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mqfx · 10 months ago

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i think i would need to see mqfx in an entirely different light before i would believe they would enjoy being humiliated. possibly because its also just not my thing although i have thought about what must be appealing about it (the joy, the release of understanding that someone sees you as imperfect but is still interested in a relationship with you? the realization that even if someone does believe these things they're saying they still want to at the very least have sex? feel free to correct me if this isnt actually the appeal ive just come to this conclusion on my own)

ANYWAY. i think i'd have to view their squabbling in an entirely different light, like one or both of them doesn't have their heart really in it and are keeping up their side of the argument for pride's sake or! maybe everyday life behaviors have absolutely no connection whatsoever to what one enjoys sexually (<- totally possible, what do i know)

tldr im on your side the fighting might be homoerotic but perhaps not in that flavor exactly

good morning anon <3 i'm awake now (kinda) and my lawyer can't do shit to meeeeeee so let's talk about it

ok for everyone who didn't see the post i deleted, the tldr of what i said was: "i don't think any of the xianle 4 would be into degradation. hc bc he'd kill himself before being mean to xl, xl bc he wouldn't keep a straight face, and mq/fx would literally just argue. on the other hand i think if either mq or fx were somehow sincere enough to tell the other person "you are good" they'd finish too fast (crass! my lawyer disapproved!!) so. can't praise each other bc they'd both like it too much, can't insult each other bc then they'd have to pause sex for a fistfight break. sad!" <- paraphrasing but it was funnier last night

i'm not qualified to address the first thing bc i didn't take kink studies in college (we DID have one, hashtag liberal arts!! but i was busy doing REAL work pestering my old man and drinking in stats class) but that's probably true at least for some people bc everyone always has a different reason for these things. it's subversive, it's pain under control in a safe environment, it's reaffirming, it's addressing trauma, sometimes even self harm so watch out! (sex, like any action, can be detrimental if you're not careful, but that is not the action's fault)

the second thing i CAN address (points to my nametag) SO: i don't think either mq or fx are the type to do anything by halves they're both passionate (fx obviously, mq within the many layers of his artichoke* heart) so i do think every argument they have is real and not just for pride's sake. if either of them didn't wanna argue they just wouldn't and the other guy would be like "um......what's wrong w u �� (concern disguised as suspicion)"

i Wouldn't say that daily life has no connection at all to kinks but that's a discussion i'm not having on my sideblog (tldr: these european fuckos have been arguing about sublimation** and libido longer than i've been alive. Scholar Charlie assumes that whatever doesn't get sublimated finds its way into one's sex life and vice versa but don't quote me on thiiiiiisss i should've taken that damn class fr)

as a sidenote: what we might find hot is not necessarily what the characters might find hot. not to lend personhood to the narrative devices (especially when fanfiction is literally the "play with them like paper dolls" genre of writing) but it's an important distinction to make as readers and writers. like do i think for example that mq's emotional repression and torment is hot? very. do you think He's enjoying it??? jury's out (though with melancholic types one Must assume they derive some relief, even if harmful, from flagellation)

back to the important matter of mqfx's hypothetical sex life: in canon they insult each other in equal measure and there's no one in that situation who is actively/consistently made to feel lower than the other (whether they actually do is incidental). it's not that their squabbles Wouldn't make it to the bed but it simply doesn't count as degradation. argument (equal) ≠ degradation (power dynamic). am i saying it's impossible for them to have ANY S/M thing going on?? also no bc as mentioned before i think mq views Everything as a power struggle, but fx also strikes me as the type of guy who would really really like getting called good boy but he doesn't know this about himself. for that matter mq would probably like some praise too he's just way more roundabout with it

this is aaaaaaallllll a very convoluted way of saying "yes the fighting is still homoerotic, not on the basis of unequal standing but because they're equals. i don't think they specifically find the insult aspect of fighting hot, and in fact some mutual kindess would be nice. would they do it that way though? idk"

ok gotta get ready for smth this took me 2 hours to think. byeeeee

*here i got distracted looking for artichoke facts bc i saw on my gramma's cooking show that it's basically a thistle and it's got a spiny center you gotta scoop out before eating. anyway it's from the mediterranean! so don't use it in canon-compliant fic lol

**death in venice is in that wiki article :( why did my ex-mutual leave meeeeeeeee (<- divorced)

#hewwo #asks #anonymous #LONG POST #new rule is i shouldn't talk while either sleepy or caffeinated. aaaaaand post

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charaznablescanontoyota · 1 year ago

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👖 fratelli + ☄️ ángel + 📷 landis? or all three for all three i'm just tossin' em over :}

👖 what is their go-to outfit?

fratelli - graphic tee, jorts, sneakers (with an apron overtop if he's at his barista job). his vigilante costume doesn't differentiate from this too much except he wears a mask and a letterman jacket!

ángel - top with flowy sleeves, extremely well tailored pants, heels. does a lot of her accessorizing through belts, purses/bags, and also glasses/sunglasses

landis - tshirt he found in a ball on the floor (possibly austin's), jeans (probably clean), flannel (wrinkled), sneakers (falling apart). or his diner uniform if he has work

☄️ what do people assume about them? Are they right?

fratelli - master of the friendly first impression because he's a barista/bartender and talks to people all day but most people assume he's dumber than he is. he comes off as a little frat boy-ish but he's actually a big reader and loves poetry and classic lit. also he feels like he gets pigeonholed as a comic relief member of the superhero squad a lot and is touchy about it

ángel - by design they like to give off a certain mystique and aloof vibe and come off as a femme fatale. they're a lot more funny/playful than a lot of people know because they only open up in that way to people they know and trust.

landis - people think he looks like a serial killer and they aren't wrong. he is also funnier than a lot of people think though. he's got jokes

📸 do they enjoy having their picture taken? what’s their go-to pose? do they like taking photos? what do they take photos of?

fratelli - loves taking selfies and other photos. his partner denver has memory problems so fratelli takes it upon himself to photograph Everything, even if it's just the two of them hanging out. tangible memories you can look back on are good!

ángel - not a big photo taker personally, but won't turn down being photographed. she's great at posing unless you catch her off guard (paz thinks its extremely funny to get unflattering candids of her)

landis - cannot pose for a photo to save his life, always either blurry or looks like he's being held at gunpoint. VERY skittish about having his photo taken

#TY ATTI #marn ocs #murderboy union #vprp tag #antlers co

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oasisdew · 2 years ago

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Let's talk about Yayoi, and what we understand of Akihiko and his changing feelings towards Ugetsu and Haruki through her eyes and behavior.

I call it the curious case of one Kaji Akihiko.

I feel like Yayoi has known Akihiko for longer than Haruki.

They're in the same year, so it seems feasible.

And one of Yayoi's first impressions of Aki was that he wouldn't hide whom he loved at all. His eyes always followed them.

(Yeah its not like he changed. its just that NOW HE CAN BE HIMSELF)

So she knew of Ugetsu and should've known that she had no chance right?

But still she jokingly confessed to Aki, and he turned her down.

Yet she didn't give up entirely.

I'm guessing Aki's behavior towards the person she thought he had a crush on changed somehow, and that gave her hope that she could still have a chance, even if a little bit?

So, even after she was rejected we had seen her riding together with Akihiko. Or them being friendly in the campus.

Akihiko seems pretty fond of her. He has a tendency of taking care of people he likes anyway. And he likes Yayoi, that much is evident.

So much so, that Haruki thinks that she is his girlfriend.

Akihiko's behavior is pretty curious here too. We know that he was trying to hide his shameful gigolo image from Haruki.

Like here, in this flashback, he noticed Haruki and he was all like, 'don't talk to me now.' to his companion.

It's more like he wants Haruki to notice him with this respectable beautiful girl, (who also happens to be Ritsuka's sister. Yayoi is NOT harmful for his image in front of Haruki.)

It's more or less clear that at this point of time Akihiko wasn't thinking of ever trying to woo Haruki, or date him. He was just hiding his true self and his ugly relationship and his shameful lifestyle from Haruki as not to make him hate him, or see him as inferior.

But it didn't change the fact that he was inadvertently falling in love with Haruki.

(Here's one thing I am sure of, Akihiko met Haruki right after Ugetsu broke up with him out of nowhere, and it was from the very first meeting that Haruki became his savior, his go to comfort blanket if you will.)

Well, so going back to Yayoi, she went to the summer competition, of course for Ritsuka, but more importantly to try to get closer to Akihiko.

She totally wasn't aware of Haruki at this time. But she was wary of Ugetsu, as she should've been. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Just look at her face when Ugetsu showed up here.

(Also notice Akihiko's expression here please! He is so on edge that Ugetsu actually showed up at his safe place, his band's performance! 😭 I always say every panel and every expression in given matters and just please please please pay attention to them.)

Ah! These panels are hilarious, they were funny the first time I read them, but in retrospect, they are even funnier.

Haruki jealous of the person he thinks is Akihiko's girlfriend, that alleged girlfriend Yayoi wary of the person she thinks Akihiko is in love with but may be slowly getting over.

And ugetsu all smug.

He has no idea what's gonna hit him LMAO.

Anyyyway, here's where things get interesting.

At this point Akihiko had trauma bonding with Ugetsu, but he had fallen in love with Haruki.

From right after Ugetsu showed up, Akihiko's behavior is noteworthy. He is on edge and extra clingy to Haruki.

Just look at his face here. He didn't have any reason to be that shaken here in normal circumstances.

And then in the very next panel we have this Yayoi, noticing the look on Akihiko's face looking at Haruki. We can't see his eyes, keeping true to Kizu's style.

But yeah it's the very next panels. And what she sees is Akihiko for no reason at all following Haruki like a lost puppy.

Really, he didn't need to follow Haruki like that that very moment.

Ritsuka had already took off, things had been taken care of.

He just needed to be closer to Haruki to calm his nerves, what with Ugetsu's presence putting more pressure on him.

And notice these panels of Yayoi, uncanny similarity with Ugetsu's "bye bye Akihiko" while he goes chasing after Haruki.

And then we see Haruki as the one totally in charge here. Looking after everyone, calming everyone down.

The moment Haruki is trying to go do things a little away from Akihiko, Akihiko is all like, I will go with you too!

He is not needed there, Haru isn't even looking at him, Take Chan is one of the organizers and obviously Haruki is the one to set everything up for their band.

He just can't be away from Haruki for a moment.

And he needs Haruki to look at him, pay attention to him.

Yes, he wants Haruki to know how important Haruki is for them and their band, but that's more for his own sake than Haruki's sake here.

Haruki might not have noticed, and we might have not noticed the first time reading it, but really, Haruki just saved Akihiko here again too. Not the band, but Akihiko himself.

And how cute is his “I might end up dying too?” Knowing full well Haruki would react the way he did? He just wanted Haruki to care for him😭

And Yayoi witnessed it, and witnessed Akihiko looking at Haruki during the performance. And how heartbroken she must had been, to know that Akihiko is surely getting over one person, but has fallen for another one like this, too deep, too desperate? And it's not her?

😭

Her love remained one sided.

Thank God for Take Chan!

He is way better for Yayoi than Akihiko could ever be anyway. 😭

#given #akiharu #given manga #akihiko kaji #kaji akihiko #nakayama haruki #haruki nakayama #ugetsu murata #murata ugetsu #uenoyama Yayoi #meta #bringing threads from twitter here #i had more to say but there's image limit #the woe is me #akihiko kaji is a baby #and he loves his leader Haruki Nakayama very much thank you #my given threads

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ares-would-be-proud · 4 years ago

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Izzy said: Fairy! Im so excited for your dark content!! Since i saw it on your other blog, may i request for yandere bertholdt 👀 i feel the would make the most unsuspecting but worst (or best?) Yandere next to armin because he's so gentle and unassuming and shy, no one would ever think he has other intentions

Yandere Bertolt pt.I

{ Bertolt x reader | tw:yandere, tw:toxic-behaviour, tw:near-death experince, tw:murder mystery? Eh kinda, tw:manipulation tw:Emotional-rollercoster | Dark romance, fluff, slowburn, lowkey funny ngl | Canonverse }

{ "Roses" 1878 by George Cochran Lambdin 1830–1896 }

Securing the last belt around your thighs before attaching it to the one near your knees, you made sure to tighten it as much as you can before sliding it in the metal head.

Having the equipment room all to yourself, you took your time in double-checking everything was in place. Making sure your gas tanks were filled, carrying spare steel blades and tightening your boot strings.

The manoeuvring gear's parts made a clinking sound against each other with every step you took. Making your way to the nearby woods acting as the training ground, the sun shining made you shield your eyes with your hands, taking some seconds to adjust to the brightness.

The road was clear, with almost no birds or squirrels in sight.

It was one of those days when the wind seemed so fast as it swept by you, so much in fact that you could visibly see the few clouds swimming by as if they're racing each other. A perfect day to spend near a lake maybe, or in a field of flowers, but you had to spend it training in the woods with the other soldiers till your fingers ached from pressing against the handgrips.

You wanted to get it over with, feeling nauseous. Probably because you managed to oversleep and miss breakfast.

It started as normally as any other training session went, pushing through till your autopilot took over. While fun at first, there's so much manoeuvring between tree branches to slash at 2d wooden cutout of titans you could do before it started getting repetitive.

And so you let your body take over and move on its own, taking you further and further towards the edge of the forest till you couldn't hear the sound of anyone else's manoeuvring gear except your own.

The high wind rustling the trees making the leaves fall distorted your visions as they fell on you, and the flashing sunlight that swept through the small openings between the leaves only made things worse.

Blinding you for split seconds, too bright in fact, that you had to close your eyes shut as it burned after the light fell directly against it.

It's only after a couple of seconds late, that the sound of something snapping registered in your brain.

You were slowly turning in the air, strong wind resistance coming from below as gravity pulled you down.

Things were moving too quickly to process, dread shot through your entire body in shivers, you could feel your heartbeat in the back of your throat as you came closer and closer to the ground.

No matter how many times your clammy hands attempted to work the pistol-shot, no hooks attached to the nearby trees despite the gears working as you heard its zipping noise.

The realisation of the situation you're in finally settled, you couldn't do a single thing, but watch the trees grow larger and larger by the second as you fell to your doom.

You've survived many expeditions and missions, you've escaped Titans teeth that were mere inches from biting your head off, and this is what will put you seven feet below? A mere fall?

...no, it wasn't just a fall, it was arrogance for taking it for granted. After all, overconfidence was a slow and insidious killer, sneaking on the second you let your guard down.

But was it?

A flash of today's morning comes before your eyes, your brain recalling the unusual spot your manoeuvring gear was placed, you were too sleepy to notice it at the time but now it's the only thing on your mind, did someone-

Before you could hit the ground, the familiar sound of pressured gas fizzling out followed by the clinking of metal swishing by.

One second you were almost slamming into the hard ground, the next you were caught by someone mid-flight.

Bertolt tightly pressed you against his chest with one arm, securing you in place while his other used his gear to reach the nearest tree branch.

Your hands wrapped around him, securing yourself even more. He didn't flinch when your nails accidentally scratched his neck from how hard you were holding him.

Despite how close you were to his chest, your own hammering heartbeat was the only sound you could hear for it was stuck in your throat as the adrenaline pumped through your veins.

You hesitantly let go the second your feet touched the ground, although still shaking you managed to find your balance again, yet, Bertolt's hand didn't leave your back.

You looked below at the wires dangling from your gear, their end visibly thinner than the rest of it. It still didn't register how a wire made out of iron could snap so easily…

Your thoughts were interrupted by the hand reluctantly turning your face back up, Bertolt's nervous eyes meeting yours.

"Don't look down too much, you'll get dizzy" he said, concern clear in his voice before stepping closer to you, his large body tucking you between him and the tree behind, as if you might slip away "are you okay? Did you get injured?"

A bit taken back by his dotting, you shook your head before thanking him for not letting you fall.

"Don't mention it please...it's nothing, really." That seemed to make the corner of his lips rise a bite, slight flushing to his ears. "Maybe you should get some rest, you didn't seem well back there."

Was he watching?

The thought disappeared from your mind as quickly as it came, the guy saved you from a head injury after all, the least you could do is give him the benefit of the doubt.

Not to mention, it was Bertolt. Has it been any other guy, Reiner or Jean for example, then your attitude towards this whole thing would've been completely different. Putting as much space as you can between the two of you after brushing off their hands.

Has it been any other guy...but it wasn't now, was it?

No. It was Bertolt, soft-spoken and easily flustered Bertolt, who got nervous in most situations and didn't reply to teasing.

Bertolt, who didn't say a thing when Eren stole his seat next to Reiner, instead settled to sit next elsewhere.

Bertolt, who always remained humble and downplayed his skills despite ranking in the top five and becoming a really valuable soldier.

Bertolt, who you've only ever said hi to before once before he seemed to panic and just awkwardly wave back instead.

Maybe that's why you didn't mind him being so close, he wasn't a threat and most everyone knew that. If you asked people to rank the top three men they'd feel safe in a room with, Bertolt would almost make it to everyone's top two.

And so when he offered to walk you back to your room, it didn't raise any red flags despite it meaning you'd be alone with him in the dorms while everyone was training.

The short walk went fairly nice actually, he kept a respectful space between you while making sure to walk at a slower pace so his height wouldn't force you to jog.

From the sweat collecting at his forehead and his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt he seemed to struggle to find a good conversation starter.

You could read him like an open book, it was quite endearing the way he commented over how nice the weather is, four times in a row while stumbling over his words. But you weren't that cruel and so you decided to grant him mercy, starting a topic yourself.

Talking about your interest, hobbies and things you'd do whenever those rare moments of peace and normalcy would arrive.

He shared his too, apparently, he's into journaling, finding it much easier to write his thoughts on paper than out loud.

One conversation pulled another, as he seemed to grow more comfortable the more you talked.

Although, he wouldn't meet your eyes for more than 5 seconds before turning his gaze away, yet you could feel them staring at you the second you turn your head.

Somewhere between your conversation, the subject switched to talking about life. Bertolt asked you if this is the kind of life you've wanted, words unusually firm that it made you pause.

The question was out of place, a huge switch from your previous fun topics.

Nonetheless, you answered, "I don't think anyone would willingly choose this life. It's more of...doing the most out of the cards you've been dealt, this just happened to be mine."

The sound of his footsteps stopped, you looked at his face, he didn't look away.

"Would you rather have a more normal life?"

The way he stood, his back to the sun with you in his shadow, an unreadable expression on his face, really brought out his height and large build that you've almost forgotten.

you unconsciously took a step back, he took a step forward.

"If by normal you mean a non-starving one where I'm not at the risk of being eaten daily, then yeah." You answered, time felt like it slowed down. The seconds stretched for too long as you watched his reaction.

He...smiled, a sincere smile, the kind that makes your eyes shine. Soft expression seemingly relieved as he continued walking, a slight bounce to his steps.

"I'd love that too, to have a normal life one day."

And then he proceeded to tell you about his dream, the normal life of peacefulness he seeks. Sharing as many details as time would allow, from the kind of person he wants to grow up to be, to the colour he wants to paint the house backyard's fence.

It was lavender.

When he mentioned wanting a dog, you couldn't decide what was funnier, the mental image of Bertolt with an equally almost as big kind of dog, or a small tiny breed that would fit in his hands. Taking him for walks and playing catch as the dog tackles him to the ground.

Some chuckles escaped your lips, and while Bertolt didn't know what you were smiling about, nonetheless he joined too.

Your time together was cut short when the dorms came into view. Feeling both relief for finally being able to rest and disappointment for having to end your conversation so soon, especially since you think this is the first actual talk you had with him besides saying hi before.

Bertolt, looking out for you, made sure to hold the door to your room open for you. Some part of your brain wondered how exactly he managed to guess which room was yours, the other simply couldn't wait to get into bed.

You sat on the bed, Bertolt invited himself in and closed the door behind him.

He took his time looking around your shared room with his eyes, staring at the titles of the books splayed on the table, taking in the smell of scented incense your roommate bought every month, the doodles, drawings and notes hanging by mere tape against the wall.

Finally, eyes landing on the top bunk bed, currently empty with your roommate having left too early in the morning for the preparations of their next expedition.

Well...after all you were too used to waking up by the sound of them opening and closing all the drawers in search of their glasses that they manage to lose each day, yet yesterday they made sure to sleep next to it.

Huh, maybe that's why you overslept.

Yet, Bertolt's eyes didn't move as he stared seconds too long, shoulders growing stiff and palms tightening against his side.

"They left for an expedition, a titan capturing one... I think." You explained, "it's supposed to last three days, but since it's led by Captain Hange...I wouldn't be too surprised if they still haven't left yet."

"Must be nice, having the room for yourself."

You agreed before adding "well, it still gets too lonely sometimes."

Bertolt looked like he wanted to say something, lips parting for a second before he pressed them close into a thin line.

An awkward silence filled the room, as you looked at Bertolt who seemed to revert back to his old nervousness.

"I think I should go, Reiner must be looking for me."

You thanked him again for his help, he avoided your eyes before mumbling a reply, saying it's really nothing.

Did you do something wrong? You couldn't help but think that, after all things were going so well just now. Why would he get on edge again?

As a final attempt to redeem yourself from whatever unknown act you must've committed for Bertolt to act this uncomfortable, you called out to him one last time.

"Hey, Bertolt. I know we technically just met but, just know you can drop by anytime okay? You seem like a nice person and we can be friends."

Oh god did you really say, we can be friends, what is this kindergarten again? Welp you fucked up, looks like it's another failure to add to the calendar, man and you've been keeping such a clean track of days without accidents.

You know what? No, forget it, you tried your best and you had good intentions so why should you ever feel guilty for-

"You really mean that?" Bertolt, whom

You've become aware was still in the room, said.

Not sure how to reply to this, you just gave a nod instead.

"I'd love that." He spoke with a soft tone. And despite his growing desire to move closer to you, he opened the door instead, sparing you one last sweet smile before he left.

And for a good minute there, his smiling face was all that occupied your mind, a fluttering feeling that came and went too quickly for you to acknowledge.

True to your predictions, the mission was apparently delayed till midnight for...undisclosed reasons. Although gossip spread faster than wildfire, and by dinner time everyone was talking about the argument Captain Hange and Captain Levi got into, the story got modified and exaggerated each time it was passed around.

"Listen, I was there and I saw it! Well...not with my own eyes but it doesn't matter." Your roommate said, too eager to spill you everything that they almost forgot to eat their food. "It was big, like Captain Miche having to restrain Levi kind of big!"

You gave them a silent look, raising an eyebrow.

"...okay jeez it didn't get this far but it felt like it did, like it almost happened." They poked their food with the fork, before deciding to try some.

Their pouting face almost made you want to tease them even more, just to see what corner you can back them into before they confess to making up half the story they've been telling you.

But a wrenching gut feeling suddenly shot through your body, coming almost out of nowhere, the kind you'd usually feel whenever a titan was targeting you.

Confusion was naturally your first response, there couldn't be any titans nearby. You swallowed down, no don't be silly, it doesn't even make sense.

Maybe...maybe it was one of those cases you studied in class? About people getting PTSD flashbacks at random times, or from small triggers?

The air seemed too cold and too hot at the same time, you forced your eyes to move around the room in an attempt to remind yourself everything is fine, that you're here.

Seeing your friends, fellow soldiers and veterans just sitting around, enjoying their food while joking with their friends, helped ground you to reality again.

Yeah...see? Nothing's wrong, everyone's having a good time so-

Your gaze met Bertolt's, dark eyes staring back but not at you. No, instead they were focused on your roommate. The knot in your stomach twisted.

Beside him, Reiner was murmuring something under his breath as he leaned closer to Bertolt, his stare following the other's gaze.

Reiner seemed unusual, drops of sweat collecting at his forehead while Bertolt was the opposite, the calmest you've ever seen him actually.

Reiner gave Bertolt one final look, lips moving too fast for you to attempt to even read. Bertolt nodded.

And then it was like nothing happened, both of them going back to their usual selves. Reiner's attention was stolen by Eren asking about his food, while Bertolt looked at Jean who sat next to him without asking before commenting on Eren.

"Hey, are you okay? You look…" your roommate said, concern in their voice before their hand found your forehead. "I heard what happened this morning, with the manoeuvring gear, I didn't want to bring it up but…"

You didn't have to be told twice, and so you reassured them it's okay, you'll get some rest, not like you'd complain about having an excuse to get a day off.

That seemed to make them satisfied, well...that and making you swear on the scouts' honour to take care of yourself while they're away.

After dinner, as you were headed to your room while your roommate had to get to the stable before heading out with their group, you passed by Reiner.

It wouldn't have been unusual, wasn't it for the fact he was fully in his uniform with gear ready that you had to do a double-take.

You swore you just saw him in casual clothes at dinner...was he also going on that mission? Huh, weird you can't remember seeing his name on the list.

The week passed by slower than you would've liked, with both of the survey corps Captains gone, most of the soldiers...really had nothing to do but waste time.

It was almost funny, wasn't it for the fact you were bored out of your mind.

Captain Miche rarely gave orders, the only time you'd see him is during training season when everyone had to do a round with him. While commander Erwin didn't really entrust soldiers who weren't close to him with his paperwork or even chores.

At least Sasha and Connie were making the most of it, whatever they were doing seemed fun…

Bertolt never took you up on your offer either, despite him seemingly having a positive reaction to wanting to be friends he didn't show up at all.

Yet you'd still see him hovering by, either being assigned the same chore together or simply happening to be in the same room at the same time. And despite how much you've thought about going up to him to start a conversation, you knew how to read between the lines. You didn't want to make him uncomfortable that's all.

He'll come when he's ready, is what you told yourself.

And well, you were right, eventually, he did.

Not only did he initiate talking, he even attempted to ask if you'd like to accompany him to the nearby town maybe.

With the way his hands were clasped behind his back and slight flushing to his cheeks as he summoned all his courage to ask you that, how could you say no?

It was almost like seeing an entirely different person.

Bertolt, in his casual clothes, as he strolled by you through the food stands, seemed a much more...healthier version of himself?

He looked at peace, the smile never leaving his lips. He even made jokes and shared his opinions without being asked.

Whenever you went to check something that stole your attention, he would quickly follow by to erase any form of distance. Whenever your eyes fell on a piece of accessories for too long, he'd suggest you try it on, putting it on you himself.

And yet, whenever his hand would brush yours by accident while walking, he'd almost stumble into the ground and quickly pull it back. Or the time you attempted to adjust the collar of his shirt and you swore his knees almost gave out when you stepped closer, reaching his neck.

Both of you tried different kinds of food, he even offered you his own if you seemed to enjoy a certain food. Saying he'd rather you have it.

Both of you being broke soldiers ment there are only so many things you can do in the town before quickly burning through your savings.

It wasn't long before he suggested going back, you agreed to take the long walk back to enjoy nature a bit more.

You've wondered how come Bertolt only seems the most comfortable when talking to you on walks, but the story he was telling you was too interesting for you to think about it now.

You listened to him talk, it felt like you could listen to him for hours on end before getting bored. For someone who rarely spoke, he surely did have a way with words when he actually did.

It was nice, comfortable and gave you a false sense of normalcy as if the world was okay for a short while.

One final thought you had just before the both of you parted to go to your separate rooms, was that if Bertolt was going to write about this day in his journal.

For each day of the remaining week, you and Bertolt managed to hang out more and more.

You went to the lake, a frog landed on him that you had to remove because he was too nervous he might crush it.

He took you to a nearby spot in the town, it seemed normal at first but he just told you to wait. Apparently, each after some dogs would frequent this spot and Bertolt has already made friends with most of them.

And on the last day, both of you actually just spent it...in his room. He had a really comfortable bed and feather pillows that you almost didn't want to leave. And despite sharing a bed he still would keep space between you, no matter the uncomfortable positions he had to sit in.

By the end of the week, the expedition group arrived during sundown.

Their heads lifted high, pride clearly across their faces as they rode their horses. Captain Hange especially seemed much more excited than usual, barely managing to stay still on their horse.

The mission was a success apparently, they've managed to capture two titans with zero mortality rate and minor injuries.

...well almost a zero rate.

You were called into Erwin's office in the middle of the night, when Moblit knocked on your door asking you to quietly follow him.

The night air was cold against your thin clothes, silence filling the usually busy hallways, now errly empty.

Knocking before he told you to enter, he seemed busy with some paperwork, instead offering you a seat and asking to wait shortly.

The curtains behind him were closed shut, the candle sitting on his desk seemed on the verge of burning out, melted wax collecting on the plate under it.

It wasn't till after some seconds that you realised you weren't alone in the room, Captain Levi was leaning against the wall on the other side, arms crossed.

The scratching of the pen against the papers would occasionally get replaced with the sound of dipping the metal head inside the liquid ink container, carefully wiping it against the opening to remove any overflowing liquid.

Your fingers fiddled with the red cushion on the armchair, leg slightly bouncing before you force it to stop each time.

Waiting...and waiting.

The back of your throat felt scratchy, only becoming aware of how dry your mouth was then. Attempting to swallow down as a form of relief didn't help much.

"Here, drink it." A glass of water was offered to you by Levi, handing it to you before going back against the wall.

Saying a small thank you before finishing the glass, you felt slightly better afterwards. Although the growing tension in the air didn't help ease your mind.

"Cadet." Erwin clasped his hands, "I apologise for calling you here this late, although considering the circumstances I'm sure you'd understand."

Opening one of the desk drawers, Erwin pulled out something wrapped in a napkin, the white cotton having a growing reddish stain in its middle.

"I offer my condolences."

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xanderwithanx · 3 years ago

Text

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

#long post #diary entry

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imaginethathaikyuu · 5 years ago

Note

I'm not sure if youre okay with these kinds of requests so if you don't wanna write it its okay! And I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable with it and I just don't know but, would you write a scenario about how Bokuto, Akaashi, and Iwaizumi would react to finding out their fem s/o has self harm scars? Like they're healed and she's recovered but she still has a lot of the old scars and she's insecure about them and trying to hide them from him?

of course this is a sensitive topic - but i relate to this situation all too well, so i honestly wanted to write about it. cuz yaknow, i write about my struggles, it’s kind of my thing.

*** TRIGGER WARNING *** for mentions of self harm/scars - but there are no descriptions of the act, nor any direct references to doing it. it is not graphic, there are only mentions.

please, if reading these scenarios could be triggering for you, skip out on them. just in case:

here’s a link to a happier scenario, a funnier scenario, a sweet scenario, and a long read if you just need a distraction.

i try to keep my blog a safe space, and if you’re struggling with a similar situation, i’m rooting for you. never be afraid to reach out to a friend, a family member, or even me for support.

thank you for requesting! and again, remember, i’m rooting for you. the scenarios are all under “keep reading.”

akaashi keiji

Well, you knew this would happen eventually. You had gotten out of it so many times before that you used up every excuse in the book. So by now, your friends and your boyfriend wouldn’t let you get out of it.

You had a hard time swimming - wearing a swimsuit only induced your anxieties. It felt like everyone was watching you - everyone could see the proof of you past struggles carved on your skin.

You weren’t ashamed of your scars - in fact, most of the time you forgot that you even had them. By now, you had come to terms with them.

But you couldn’t handle the probing questions that were thrown at you - rather, the possibility of the questions. You’d never let other people see them, so they couldn’t even get the chance to stare, to wonder, to judge.

While you stood in front of the mirror, wearing the swimsuit your boyfriend bought for you, you couldn’t stop thinking about the questions your friends would ask you.

What happened to you?

Why would you do that to yourself?

How’d you do it?

Why would you show those off?

You were terrified. You couldn’t handle the looks, much less the judgement.

But Akaashi was waiting outside the door, waiting for you to step out and show him your bathing suit. You were sure he was expecting to see a sight he’d like; to see a girl who was excited to spend time with him and his friends. But it was the opposite.

Still - he was the only one whose judgement you didn’t fear. And right now, you needed his support more than anything.

“Keiji,” you called, and he replied immediately.

“Yeah?”

With a towel wrapped around your body, you said, “Can you come in here?”

He opened the door slowly and greeted you with a smile, despite your teary eyes.

“I can’t go.”

“Why not? Let’s talk it out, kitten, what’s bothering you?”

You shook your head, “I just - I don’t want anyone to see.”

“I’m sure you look amazing,” he replied, his sweet smile never faltering. You appreciated it, but your nerves were still running rampid.

“Can I show you?” you asked him, holding onto the towel as if it was your lifeline.

“Yeah, of course.”

You definitely took your time taking the towel off. You wanted to warn him but you couldn’t find your voice - instead, you just let the towel fall to the ground.

He didn’t reply immediately - he looked you up and down, genuinely enjoying the sight, while you didn’t let yourself look at him.

“You look perfect,” he told you, sliding his hand into yours. “I understand why you’re hesitant, though.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “But they… your scars, I mean - they look fine, kitten. I’m sure none of our friends will give them a second glance.”

“Are you sure?” you asked, shaking your head. “They’re going to ask so many questions -”

“Well, if they do, just let me handle it for you, okay? And I’ll just tell them the truth,” he wrapped his arms around your waist before continuing. “That our Edward Scissorhands roleplay gets gruesome.”

Both of you laughed, immediately lifting your mood.

“Will you really tell them that?”

“I’ll tell them whatever you want me to,” he replied. “But you - you don’t have to tell them a thing. I’ll make sure you can have fun, alright?”

Without Keiji by your side, you’d never be able to even think about leaving that room wearing a swimsuit. But it’s because of him that you found the courage to do it - and you were determined to have a good time, despite your scars.

bokuto koutaro

It was so intense - Bokuto’s body felt quite heavy on top of yours, and you were feeling every inch of him. From his tongue in your mouth to your hands in his shirt to his entire lower half pressed firmly against yours - there was nothing else on your mind but him.

So much so that you couldn’t remember to tell him to turn off the light - hell, you didn’t even remember that there were things you didn’t want him to see.

It wasn’t until he had already stripped you of everything, when you felt the cool air hit your thighs, that you remembered those lines embedded on your skin - those embarrassing reminders of who you used to be.

“Koutarou -”

And usually you wouldn’t even care to let someone see them. You’ve had one night stands and it didn’t matter to you whether or not those guys saw your skin so up close. You’d wear shorts during summer and show them off to any stranger walking by - because none of those people mattered.

But the man who was hovering over you, who was kissing you and stripping you and pleasuring you, you loved him. Your entire body craved his touch, your heart yearned for his love, your soul was hell bent on being entwined with his.

Would this take him away? Would your god awful past scare him off, would your old habits come back to haunt you?

You grabbed his face and held it in place above yours and hoped he didn’t see - you were praying, as his beautiful eyes were staring at yours, that he wasn’t able to catch a glance.

But you knew. From the way his golden eyes were becoming so glossy, you could tell.

“Are those… what I think they are?”

“Koutarou…”

It was over. The love you shared with this beautiful man was going to be taken away - he finally saw you. The broken parts of you. And you were sure - no, you were positive - that someone as absolutely perfect as the man you so luckily fell in love with did not deserve someone broken and scarred and haunted.

Your hands still rested on his cheeks, and right as you were about to drop them - to let him pull away from you - his face dropped to your neck.

“Thank god,” he sighed. “I’m so happy.”

Immediately your eyebrows drew together. “What?”

“No, wait - I didn’t mean it like that! Hold on, um…”

He fumbled to pull his shorts off, trying to stand up and take off the garment at the same time. And when he successfully did those things, the only thing you saw was the outline of something big in his tight underwear - is this what he’s trying to show you?

With a deep breath he hooked his thumbs into his underwear and pulled them down, low enough to reveal his hips.

And what you saw was something you never expected to see on him.

“I was scared you’d react like my last girlfriend… and the one before that…”

Decorating his hips were messy white lines - jagged, rough, prominent. They were much like your own.

“You… you understand, don’t you?”

If you didn’t know the struggle with self harm as well as you did, you would’ve called this a heartbreaking sight. Even still, your eyes wanted to tear up.

When you nodded, he took his place hovering over you again.

“I knew you would,” he said with a smile. “I’m so glad you understand - and I understand, too. I love you - I love you so much, Y/N.”

Even after seeing that part of him, you believed he was perfect. Everything about Bokuto was perfect to you, those unfortunate scars included. And it dawned on you that it was possible - in fact, it was very likely - that he saw you in the same way.

“I love you too, Kou.”

iwaizumi hajime

“Can I… talk to you?”

“Mhm, sure,” Iwaizumi replied. He didn’t look up from the textbook he was reading, though - maybe your nerves weren’t all that evident in your voice.

So now’s your chance to back out - but if you don’t do this now, you never would.

“…Iwa?”

He heard you that time - really heard you. You could tell from the way his eyes immediately darted up to you.

The boy moved from his seat at his desk to his bed where you sat, and he made himself comfortable sitting in front of you. He tried to take your hand into his, but you quickly crossed your arms over your chest.

He realized that something may actually be wrong - he knows you guys haven’t been dating for very long, but the last month has been filled with the best days of his life because of you. And Iwaizumi was sure he hadn’t done something wrong - at least, he thought he was sure.

But rather than spiraling into his anxieties, he would much rather hear you out.

You were trying your hardest to make this a casual conversation - according to all the research you’d been doing, you decided that was the best for you. You didn’t want to make this a big deal because it wasn’t one - not to you, anyway. You hoped Hajime wouldn’t see it as a big deal, either.

So you gave him a forced smile, hoping to lighten the mood and make this feel easier for you. But it didn’t help all that much.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” you nodded. “I just wanted to tell you about something.”

“Okay, well. Tell me.”

He sat with criss-crossed legs to mimic the way you sat, letting his hands rest on your knees.

“Take your time, baby.”

“Okay, so…”

You took a deep breath, remembering what all the articles and reddit threads said.

“So, remember, um… a few nights ago, when we were in your car and… and we were making out and then we… you know…”

“…yeah, I remember,” he replied, his face flushed. “That was okay, right?”

“Yeah, yeah,” you nodded. “But… So, I know that we’ll… probably go farther, right? Like… more than just touching over our clothes?”

“Hopefully… what are you getting at, babe?”

“I just - I want to tell you now, so that you aren’t… surprised, you know, when we finally… I dunno, do more…”

How should you word this? Are you going to scare him off? Is he even going to care?

“It’s just, a while ago I was going through some things and… and I didn’t have the best way of coping with it… so I have a lot of scars. A-And I’m okay now! I don’t… do that anymore, so you shouldn’t worry - I don’t want you to worry - I’ll just… feel better if I tell you.”

“Okay… is that all you have to say, babe?”

You swallowed hard and finally mustered up the courage to look at him as you nodded.

“Okay, well… you know it’s okay, right? I don’t mind your scars or anything like that - they’re apart of you, and I like everything about you. I’m really glad you told me.”

You knew he’d be understanding - but to hear him say that made you feel so validated and comfortable.

“I’m glad I told you, too.”

#trigger warning #mentions of self harm #akaashi keiji #bokuto koutarou #iwaizumi hajime #akaashi keiji x reader #bokuto koutarou x reader #iwaizumi hajime x reader

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vileart · 7 years ago

Text

A Room in the Dramaturgy: Matt Rudkin @ Edfringe 2017

The Room in the Elephant by Slash theatre.

On Aug 8th - 12th, 2.15pm, The Hive.

Seemingly set in a garden shed, this provocative, mind-boggling comedy begins with two young men struggling to come up with ideas for a show they are due to perform at the Edinburgh Fringe the following week.

They excitedly decide the piece will be an exact re-enactment of their creative process and begin to video themselves.

A third, older performer arrives and tells them this sounds like some “awful, self-referential bullshit”, to which they reply, “And you’ll say that in the actual show!” which indeed he does.

Following the logic of this premise leads to conversations about art, ambition and evolution, and continually shifting realisations about where and when the show is actually set, and who these men really are.

What was the inspiration for this performance?

The other two performers, Merry and Joe, did a short piece at a cabaret event I ran in Brighton. In the piece they came on to the stage saying things like "And we'll just walk onto the stage like this" "yeah, I'll go first and you'll come on 2nd, and then we'll stand on the stage" "Yeah... and maybe do a little dance..." "Yeah, and we'll say this as we do it". I thought it was funny but doubted they could sustain it for their 8 minute slot. But it actually just got funnier and I became fascinated with how far the idea could be taken, so I invited them to make an hour long show based on this premise. It was actually quite an easy process as we kept finding ideas within ideas and layers upon layers, and making each other laugh a lot.

Is performance still a good space for the public discussion of ideas?

I think it can be a good place to provoke debate, but theatre makers should have a clear sense of what their real motivation is and where their talents lie. Too often people seem obliged to 'deliver content' when they don't actually have a deeply considered, informed or passionately held opinion on a subject, just a desire to be on stage and admired (...for a having a deeply considered, informed and passionately held opinion. Ouch!) Really, we're a bunch of attention seeking shows-offs - the audience know that and they're fine with it... as long we get on with entertaining them with our skills and stories and avoid presenting ourselves as being morally or intellectually superior. And even when we do really have 'something to say', some arguments may be best made in essays. I remember Keith Johnstone writing in 'Impro' that when he was script reader for the Royal Court, if he could tell what the playwright was trying to say in the first few pages he got bored - not the conclusion he wanted to come to but one he had to admit to. I prefer performance in the form of a 'thought experiment', exploring the possibilities, intricacies and contradictions of a theme. Its much more interesting overhearing a person's dramatised struggles with their uncertainty than being assailed by their convictions, as this seems to be a more authentic representation of actual experience... or maybe that's just me. At the same time, I have seen some verbatim theatre pieces with a clear political point which were inspiring, and I think there are some stand-up comedians working today who are great at getting to the nub of things. I'm not sure how much I'm speaking from the point of view of my character in the show.... our show kind of explores this theme; 'what motivates artistic creation?'

How did you become interested in making performance?

I wanted to make the world a better place! Actually, my Mother signed me up to a children's theatre group when I was 4 and I really enjoyed the whole process of rehearsals and playing lets-pretend with other people watching. Then I went to big school and it suddenly wasn't cool to be the theatre boy, so I did more art and writing. I started actually creating shows during my degree in Creative Arts where we were introduced to all kinds of devised theatre and live art practices. I was a very introspective young man and would write at length in my diary about the difficulties of life and then try to turn these into shows.... which I suspect were really quite pretentious (all of the criticisms above describe what I've done myself and probably have not fully trained myself out of. Its a fine line and one small side step can transform a contrived, clunky, cheese-fest into an elegant, insightful... trifle).

Since I'm also quite introspective I figured that if I could give people the pleasure of laughter whilst sharing my thoughts, then it was a good deal, a win-win situation. I get to say what's on my mind, they get to have a laugh. I think humour can really be an incisive instrument for revealing assumptions. And then there's just being funny for the sheer delight of foolishness. I was in a Street Theatre show called ''Then Incredible Bull Circus' for several years, and we were just stupid idiots and people really enjoyed that. Some people say there is too much comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe, but I think that's mainly because comedy gives people an experience they value. It's too easy to say its lowest-common-denominator / escapist, and people who complain should just try and be funnier....

Is there any particular approach to the making of the show?

This show is a complete and utter collaboration between myself my two significantly younger co-performers, Meredith Colchester and Joe Mulcrone. I had written and directed our previous show 'Buddhism: Is it Just for Losers?' but for this one we recorded a lot improvisations and transcribed these to form the basis of the script. This gave the dialogue a more natural feel since we each say things we'd actually come up spontaneously. None of the shows ever feel really finished in that we have a tendency to tinker between performances, but this one feels pretty done and consistent.

Does the show fit with your usual productions?

Its quite similar to previous shows in the sense that its funny, with an odd storyline of sorts that is quite unpredictable and sort of 'conceptual'. The difference is that its a pretty much a fourth-wall 'play' with characters who pretend the audience aren't there. These characters do, however, have the same names as the performers and there is quite a bit of confusion about which parts are 'real'.

What do you hope that the audience will experience?

I hope the audience are taken on a journey in which they become thoroughly absorbed. I hope the complex twists and shifts and layers of the show really keep them fascinated and by the end they feel like their minds have had a proper workout. . I hope they don't completely mistake the characters for the actual performers (which happened once), because then they would think we are quite forlorn and misguided individuals... which is probably true to some degree.. .but not this much. Part of the show features three men in a shed sharing the kind of stories from their lives they wouldn't want to share in public. I hope it provides some food for thought.

What strategies did you consider towards shaping this audience experience?

The show begins with a fairly a simple premise and explores its weird logic through a multitude of strange possibilities, weaving several strands together as its travels towards its bonkers conclusion. We test the shows in front of guest audiences and ask a lot of questions and then make adjustments. We also video all performances and listen back to the audience's laughter because this is tells us how much they're 'getting' the new ideas as they emerge. During the process if we come up with something that makes us all laugh our heads off, we always try to find a way to put that in the show.

This is the 4th show by Inconvenient Spoof, a Brighton-based company whose work has appeared at such venues as the Soho Theatre (London), Tobacco Factory (Bristol), The Old Market (Brighton), Co-founder, Matt Rudkin, created and compered Edinburgh’s original Bongo Club Cabaret, and has toured internationally with Street theatre classic The Incredible Bull Circus. He has also worked as a senior lecturer in Theatre Arts at the University of Brighton for the last 15 years.

mattrudkin.co.uk

from the vileblog http://ift.tt/2ik49kY

#Theatre #Blogger #visual art #Edinburgh Fringe #Experimental Critique

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vileart · 7 years ago

Text

The Dramaturgy in the Elephant: Matt Rudkin @ Edfringe 2017

'The Room in the Elephant' by Slash theatre.

On Aug 8th - 12th, 2.15pm, The Hive.

What was the inspiration for this performance?

I thought it was funny but doubted they could sustain it for their 8 minute slot. But it actually just got funnier and I became fascinated with how far the idea could be taken, so I invited them to make an hour long show based on this premise. It was actually quite an easy process as we kept finding ideas within ideas and layers upon layers, and making each other laugh a lot.

Is performance still a good space for the public discussion of ideas?

Really, we're a bunch of attention seeking shows-offs - the audience know that and

they're fine with it... as long we get on with entertaining them with our skills and stories and avoid presenting ourselves as being morally or intellectually superior. And even when we do really have 'something to say', some arguments may be best made in essays. I remember Keith Johnstone writing in 'Impro' that when he was script reader for the Royal Court, if he could tell what the playwright was trying to say in the first few pages he got bored - not the conclusion he wanted to come to but one he had to admit to. I prefer performance in the form of a 'thought experiment', exploring the possibilities, intricacies and contradictions of a theme. Its much more interesting overhearing a person's dramatised struggles with their uncertainty than being assailed by their convictions, as this seems to be a more authentic representation of actual experience... or maybe that's just me.

At the same time, I have seen some verbatim theatre pieces with a clear political point which were inspiring, and I think there are some stand-up comedians working today who are great at getting to the nub of things. I'm not sure how much I'm speaking from the point of view of my character in the show.... our show kind of explores this theme; 'what motivates artistic creation?'

How did you become interested in making performance?

I wanted to make the world a better place!

Actually, my Mother signed me up to a children's theatre group when I was 4 and I really enjoyed the whole process of rehearsals and playing lets-pretend with other people watching.

Then I went to big school and it suddenly wasn't cool to be the theatre boy, so I did more art and writing. I started actually creating shows during my degree in Creative Arts where we were introduced to all kinds of devised theatre and live art practices. I was a very introspective young man and would write at length in my diary about the difficulties of life and then try to turn these into shows.... which I suspect were really quite pretentious (all of the criticisms above describe what I've done myself and probably have not fully trained myself out of. Its a fine line and one small side step can transform a contrived, clunky, cheese-fest into an elegant, insightful... trifle).

Since a young age I have habitually tried to make people laugh. Not that my efforts have always been appreciated, but I have grown into quite a funny person. I enjoy laughing and making people laugh, and perhaps I shouldn't admit this but perhaps more than anything else I really enjoy making myself laugh. Since I'm also quite introspective I figured that if I could give people the pleasure of laughter whilst sharing my thoughts, then it was a good deal, a win-win situation. I get to say what's on my mind, they get to have a laugh. I think humour can really be an incisive instrument for revealing assumptions. And then there's just being funny for the sheer delight of foolishness.

I was in a Street Theatre show called ''Then Incredible Bull Circus' for several years, and we were just stupid idiots and people really enjoyed that. Some people say there is too much comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe, but I think that's mainly because comedy gives people an experience they value. It's too easy to say its lowest-common-denominator / escapist, and people who complain should just try and be funnier....

Is there any particular approach to the making of the show?

Does the show fit with your usual productions?

What do you hope that the audience will experience?

What strategies did you consider towards shaping this audience experience?

#Theatre #Blogger #visual art #Edinburgh Fringe #Experimental Critique

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