#but it's so hard to fit into current life 💔😞

[ri5k]

i'm definitely meant to live in the city at this stage of my life but i do miss bein a farmgirl sometimes. of course

[unfilteredrealities]

I’m alive update

Life is bleh , ups and downs as usual.

My psoriasis is currently fucking me up and the lovely (not lovely) R.A and the PsA as well. WHYYYY THE FUCK is only my ring finger from my right hand fucked with psoriasis and my pointing, middle and ring toe as well but the rest of the toes and fingers are fine????

Not speaking of the normal patches I have on my legs currently those are normal by now bcs I get them since I am 2yo so nothing new.

Oh and the psoriasis thought it’s fun to flare up on my forehead as well and my left eyelid and left under eye??? wtf bro 😭

I had to go some days ago to the work health department for my annual check if I am fit to work and the lady gave me the ok but I had to tell her about my diagnoses since last year and ugh she was asking me if I’m seeing a dermatologist for my psoriasis and my psoriatic arthritis and I was like lady I have this shit since I am 2 , let me live don’t give me advice, I don’t need any rn I am in active audhd burnout so shh just give me that damn paper and let me go 😭

In other news I’m apparently very competent at my job , that much that I got chosen along the teamleaders to do this one training and I’m scared and hope I won’t fuck up bcs my imposter syndrome is like u bet ur smart press x for doubt 🧐

Anyway so work goes well I suppose, so far no complaints by the higher ups

Besides of all that my depression is strong and I actively feel suicidal again but I’m pushing through out of spite and yeah the naive hope that it will get better or I will have again better days with less flare ups and chronic issues going on

I’m actively ignoring certain things rn (cleaning my depression room) and it is stressing me out but I’m ignoring it bcs it’s so much work and I am ashamed to ask for help or admit I need help :)) it feels like barb wire around my throat

My tooth hurts bcs I have bruxism and I grind my teeth and I had a very subconsciously exhausting week in my sleep that I ground my teeth so hard it made my jaw tense up badly and almost lock up :))

Sigh, I miss my cat so much 😭 I am still mourning him 💔 😞 fuck severe renal insufficiency and not showing symptoms until it’s too late

Positive things are that my bf has a Nintendo Switch lite and Animal Crossing new horizons and we are both playing and visiting our islands and he keeps me cute notes each time he visited my island and me too on his , that I am almost 4 years handling this job and I didn’t have a proper mental breakdown yet or a meltdown, i was social lately and went to the baptism of a former classmate/ a friend of mines child and i met other former classmates there and we talked , I got out of my comfort zone and some days later visited former classmate at her home and it was wild but it was good.

Oh I forgot to mention about how big my urge to sh is again and I fucking hate it , plus I randomly found the kinder suprise egg where my blades are inside :)) my mom thought she hid them well, well hiding them in the closet where the board games are , wasn’t too smart.

Anyway I’m still going strong on like 4 years of no sh

Another dopamine moment was me getting myself as a Christmas present the Apple Watch SE 2024!!! I found it reduced at 200 euros when normally it’s like almost 300 euros

It’s so fancy and I’m glad I can Monitore my health better now bcs my old watch the Xiaomi Mi Band 7 kinda sucked at the end and stopped working properly so it was time to move on. At this point I’m getting slowly corrupted by Apple tbh 🤣 First it was the 2nd hand iPad and the Apple pen , then the iPhone and now the Apple Watch gg

These days I am hitting my word limit faster than normal and it sucks especially if u work in customer support for a bank and u have around 60 calls a day and you have to force yourself to speak even if you start to stutter and to speak monotone and all that

I’m sorry for this huge ramble update

Hope you guys enjoy me yapping and being raw about how life is raw dogging me 😭

If you read till here I guess rate my yapping or leave me a life update from your life ❤️

Thanks for reading through this!