#but it's not a real formal server. it's a 'friend group.' and they've shown before that they prioritize keeping the peace | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

equalperson · 2 months ago

Text

I fucking hate being traumatized because why am I bawling the hardest I've bawled in god-knows-how-long because someone I didn't even like that much berated Me. gasping wailing trembling and snotting over this for several minutes.

#personal #sanism #abuse mention #child abuse mention #I'm still not entirely done crying really. I'm just trying to stop and calm Myself. not doing well at the moment #because someone on the discord server mentioned trump's inauguration and I basically said 'I don't like trump either #but it's still important to keep pushing for change. who's in office doesn't change that' and he just. immediately escalated the situation #accused Me of not caring about oppression. I explained Myself further but he told Me to go fuck Myself and capped it off with #'you already admitted to being a fucking narcissist so why would i want to be around you' (exact quote BTW)#and I just can't stop sobbing. I don't know if I've cried this much since I was 13. I keep having to pause My typing because I start crying #I didn't hate him but I wasn't attached to him either. it's just that I have so much fucking trauma along these lines #so many instances of My mom putting words in My mouth. getting short-tempered with Me over benign remarks that I didn't understand #because I'm autistic. dismissing My opinions. making Me hide My feelings and issues from her #because she's made it clear that she doesn't trust people like Me #it's made Me have so much trouble handling even friendly social interaction. I've only just learned how to do that #I just can't handle having that same mistreatment forced onto Me by anyone else. especially with so little warning or build-up #and what makes Me break down even worse is the fact that I know I'll have to deal with him again #he wasn't even punished while this was happening. despite the server owner and other mod being online. the owner just said 'stressful day'#and the other mod started talking with a regular user about how it was uncalled for once he had already left the conversation #nobody even checked in on Me. even though I stayed online for a good half-an-hour afterwards. I only just logged off a few minutes ago #because the notifications from unrelated conversations started overstimulating Me #regardless. I don't even want to see him again. I don't want to be in the same server as him I don't want to talk to him I don't want to #but it's not a real formal server. it's a 'friend group.' and they've shown before that they prioritize keeping the peace #over actually punishing hostility. just a week or so ago I told them I wasn't comfortable with them using the R-slur #and someone freaked out over My complaint being 'politically correct' and left. he was brought back just a few days later. and before that #he had already derailed a previous discussion I tried to have about the word by sending gifs featuring it and redirecting the conversation #that sucked but at least it wasn't outright triggering. but I just can't stand the thought of having to be around someone #who treated Me so much like how My abuser has. that's the most I've ever had to relive My trauma because of someone else #that's the most anyone has ever mirrored it to Me. I just can't stand it but I know I'll have to be around him #I don't even know if he's gonna apologize. he's made it clear how little he thinks of Me as a human being. PLUS

5 notes · View notes