#but it's a fucking vicious cycle and now I understand what my ex meant by that
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need to tell my parents something but maybe killing myself is easier?
#suicide mention#the irony is that they will punish me for my 'fuck up' but my fuck up is a direct consequence of being mentally ill#so once again I will be punished for being mentally ill which will make me even more mentally ill#every time I've tried to tell my mother about my mental illness#and that only happened two times because I know how she'll react#and I didn't even mention having disorders I just talked about one of the symptoms#her reaction was vile and accusatory and she blamed me for being 'weak' or inventing my symptoms#this is the most basic ableist shit imaginable but that doesn't make it hurt any less#I told my mother that I wanted to kill myself and she responded with disgust#who can I turn to when the people who are supposed to help me and guide me are the ones that cause my suffering#and then blame me for it and make it even worse#I'm afraid of my parents I'm afraid of telling them the truth but I don't have the energy to lie#but even the lies won't keep me from being judged and scolded#and that shit makes me want to die#I know that my reaction is not reasonable'#but if I get this shit from them every time I open up or show vulnerability#of course my mind creates this reaction#so that I avoid getting into this situations#but I cannot avoid it and avoiding itself harms me but I also cannot stop because in some cases it's literally a question of my safety#it's insane. I will literally get blamed for being mentally ill#they don't know I'm mentally ill so they'll just think I'm lazy or acting out and they'll blame me for it#but if I told them why I did what I did (or rather didn't do it) they'll blame me for inventing shit and trying to be 'special'#by sabotaging my life#and like. getting into a fight with your parents isn't some world ending thing but it is to me#because I'm fucked in the head#but it's a fucking vicious cycle and now I understand what my ex meant by that#mentally ill girls solidarity haha#🫀
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