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#but it's a fucking vicious cycle and now I understand what my ex meant by that
deeplovelydark
·
3 months
Text
need to tell my parents something but maybe killing myself is easier?
#suicide mention
#the irony is that they will punish me for my 'fuck up' but my fuck up is a direct consequence of being mentally ill
#so once again I will be punished for being mentally ill which will make me even more mentally ill
#every time I've tried to tell my mother about my mental illness
#and that only happened two times because I know how she'll react
#and I didn't even mention having disorders I just talked about one of the symptoms
#her reaction was vile and accusatory and she blamed me for being 'weak' or inventing my symptoms
#this is the most basic ableist shit imaginable but that doesn't make it hurt any less
#I told my mother that I wanted to kill myself and she responded with disgust
#who can I turn to when the people who are supposed to help me and guide me are the ones that cause my suffering
#and then blame me for it and make it even worse
#I'm afraid of my parents I'm afraid of telling them the truth but I don't have the energy to lie
#but even the lies won't keep me from being judged and scolded
#and that shit makes me want to die
#I know that my reaction is not reasonable'
#but if I get this shit from them every time I open up or show vulnerability
#of course my mind creates this reaction
#so that I avoid getting into this situations
#but I cannot avoid it and avoiding itself harms me but I also cannot stop because in some cases it's literally a question of my safety
#it's insane. I will literally get blamed for being mentally ill
#they don't know I'm mentally ill so they'll just think I'm lazy or acting out and they'll blame me for it
#but if I told them why I did what I did (or rather didn't do it) they'll blame me for inventing shit and trying to be 'special'
#by sabotaging my life
#and like. getting into a fight with your parents isn't some world ending thing but it is to me
#because I'm fucked in the head
#but it's a fucking vicious cycle and now I understand what my ex meant by that
#mentally ill girls solidarity haha
#🫀
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