#but it’s my fault for not doing all i can do to fix my lonlieness problem

[professionaljester]

another day another day going to work an waking up miserable

[softandcutewhynot]

things i wrote at 15(ish) that are just textbook compulsory heterosexuality

When I say I like someone, do i really mean it? Everytime I’m exausted or depressed I tend to find myself a reason to keep going. Today’s reason is a poor fucker who’s only fault is being kinda cute and treating me kindly. In my head I have this distort picture of being a couple. If i’ll have a boyfriend everything will finally go right in my life! I could vent, he could comfort me, we could have fun and do all those things couples do. I don’t even know if i would like being in a relationship.. it looks like a full time job. We’ll have to go on dates, text for every stupid thing, and i don’t have time to fit a boyfriend in my schedule (especially a long distance one)

I think i was barely out of middle school when i wrote this.. you go girl get it I guess

So really, it was never about him as much as what he represents -the male gender maybe, maybe society, maybe just an imaginary hierarchy I made up-, and even then it was not really about that as much as my incredible need for approval to be someone I always had all the rights but never the courage to be.

Conclusion about me not giving two fucks abou the guy I liked for one year getting together with another girl. In highschool

Or maybe I never liked him in the first place. Quite the plot twist if you ask me, finding out that it was yet another boy I relied in hope to be fixed, making the amount of real people I genuinely liked up to zero if we don't count all my confused feelings for girls I am way too much comfortable with, you can hug her without fear of judgment while your two pair of boobs press together and she slaps your butt and you, touch starved piece of shit, are wondering how much time you can squeeze out of this soft creature before it's annoying/creepy/inappropriate.

The closet is literally made of glass. Also highschool.

I prayed that time. I prayed every night to be saved from my own sadness. I prayed that someone would save me by falling in love with me and showing me I was not worthless. Boy after boy I obsessed with them, their presence constantly on my delusional mind, because if there was a hope, even a small one that I could have one ally I was sure to be on my side and tell me that I am beautiful and the most wonderful thing ever happened to him then you could have been sure I would have gripped that hope with my claws and teeth. God never gave me a boyfriend.

Recalling my lonliness in middleschool where I picked and chose boys to obsess over.

I wonder if it's wrong that my dream is to slay men with a flip of my tangled, unkept hair when I pass near them. I wonder if this need of being the cause of a boner it's my desire to win the system at its own game or me being already part of the game and losing. I wonder what it feels like, to be so beautiful people want to fuck you. Do you feel powerful? Or do you feel like a piece of meat waiting to be beaten?

Just trying to understand why I so desperately needed to bee seen as something attractive to men, and asking myself if that would have made me happy since I grew up fat and ugly and thus i never had such experience

[the-leader-in-blue]

Ooc// songs that remind me of the gang ™️ part three

King and lion heart by Of monsters and men: yes this is a song I found in my warrior cats phase but it continues to be a banger,it reminds me of Orpheus and Leo,some of the lyrics are so them, like “And as the world comes to an end,I’ll be here to hold your hand,cause you’re my king and I’m your lion heart” and “howling ghosts they reappear,mountains that are stacked with fear but you’re a king and I’m a lion heart” just EOUGH this song <3

The greatest day by Frank Turner: this reminds me a lot of just them as a family,it’s a simple acoustic song and it is so comforting, and the lyrics are reparative, some of my favorite are “can you see it? Can you see it in my eyes? Can you feel it? Can you hold it in your arms tonight?” And “today this could be the greatest day of our lives,before It all ends,before we run out of time” I love Frank turner

Glourious you by Frank turner: this song has a special place in my heart because I remeber seeing it live. It reminds me of jay and Orpheus+Leo and the support they need, the chorus is “come on now if we all pull together,we can lift up the weight of the world from your shoulders” and another banger lyric is “Woth your mixed up metaphors,your messed up makeup,you’re glorious you, with your young tied tragedies,your too tight tee shirts,you’re glorious you” and that feelings of admiration and love dispite their flaws

Paper bag by Fiona Apple: this is one that has recently gone on jays playlist,and the sort of bitterness of survival and the apathy that follows, some banger lyrics that really sold it “Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love” related to jays apathy to relationships,spicificly romantic ones,and the way he is self distructove to a fault. Another one “I said honey I don’t feel so good,I don’t feel justified, come on and put a little love here in my void,he said it’s all in your head, and I said so is everything else,but he didn’t get it” this song is so him

I was an island by John alison Weiss:this song is literally Orpheus and Leo, they fr wrote “I was a fighter,and I was so brave,but I Lowered my sword when you heald we and swore you’d stay” THATS IS LITERALLY THEM !!! And the chorus “I can’t do this alone anymore, cause I’m no good on my own anymore,what did I do to deserve this? What did you do to me, baby,coem baxk,no I don’t wanna be free” shut up it’s them

Fix me by frank Turner:yeah this is jay , and the emotions they feel after everything,I was reminded of them “someday,I’ll feel no pain,someday I won’t have a brain,they’ll take away the part that hurts and let the rest remain” + “fix me,fix my head,fix me,please I don’t want to be dead”

Gb eating Gb while listning to Gb but the Kylie v cover: it reminds me of Orpheus,the soft spoken voice and the lyrics remind me of his attachment, “well if you don’t want me,we’ll that’s just tough luck,I think about but I know I’m not good enough” is her talking about Leo,spicificly during the whole lonley thing, another one for post lonley “would it be cruel,be cruel, be cruel to let my eyes return to you? Would it be cruel ,be cruel,cruel to give my thoughts,my thoughts to you?” Shows the shame of getting lonlied

Oh brither by Frank Turner:another Orpheus and Leo song, the opening lyrics are “I never had a brother,old friend you had three,you always said if you had another one,than it would be me” SHUT IP ITS THEM, and “this ain’t where it ends,the world will keep on turninf, we’ll all make mistakes, we’ll all have time to make amends,we’ll carry different loads, we’ll all get different blisters, even so you know we’ll miss them when we’re finally out of road” THIS SONG MAKES ME EMOTIONALLLLL

Add any more but I’m plagued by the family

-🦭🦭🦭

ooc omg

[toraashi]

princess au ft. chuuya nakahara

Title: Untitled Princess AU

Pairing: Chuuya Nakahara x Fem!Reader

Warnings/Genre: Fluff and light angst. One of the awful aristocrats makes a comment about you eating too much, forbidden love *gasp*

Word Count: 1,754

Author’s Note: Hiii! Here it is, the princess au I keep hyping up. It’s actually decent, I won’t lie to you, so I hope you enjoy it! 16 year old me was the biggest weeb (I still am rip), so there is a Kamisama Kiss reference in here I’m cringing but I promise it’s not bad!! Please hmu with your bodyguard!chuuya brainrot to feed my lonlieness when you’re finished reading :)

She reached across the table to select a raspberry pastry, her fingers brushing against the red-head’s as they left her side. He visibly tensed, but she ignored it, along with the minute pang she felt in her chest. The dessert was flaky and crumbly in her fingers, it’s deep, striking red jelly oozing through the cracks in the glazed surface. 

“My oh my, are you stuffing your face with delights again? How unsavory.” The person in question twisted her head, hiding her scarlet stained gloves behind her back. 

“Lady Nikolina!” She elicited a wry smile from the woman, whose cold eyes disapprovingly darted to her out of view fingers.

“You really ought to think about that figure of yours more. Before you know it, you could be a cream puff! Suitors want slim ladies, dear, not large ones.” A strike of crimson striped her smooth cheeks and she nodded.

“Of course, My Lady.” The princess could practically see her devoted bodyguard’s seething gaze, he always had disliked Lady Nikolina, after all. The protectiveness radiating off of him was comforting, and soon the blush she beheld wasn’t being caused by the snobbish Marquiess before her. 

“Speaking of suitors-”

“Actually, my apologies, Nikolina, but I’m afraid I’ve got a dance coming up, and I can’t possibly wait. We shall have to continue this lovely little talk at a later date.” Casting the woman a charming smile, she scurried off, pulling Chuuya along with her. He immediately split their hands.

“Princess.” Their gazes met, his swirling pools of cerulean reprimanding her without a single spoken word, but she got the message, and it burned another hole into her soul. 

He couldn’t be with her.

He didn’t want to be with her. 

Tears prickled her lashes like raindrops, but she pushed them back, refusing to show vulnerability amongst a crowd of powerful politicians and kings. She could see his hues soften, and then harden merely seconds later, his hand habitually reaching to adjust his hat. His familiar mouth looked so inviting, his orbs safe and comforting, but they were not hers. 

When she had admitted her flaming affection to him, she had been sure that he had reciprocated those passionate emotions winding around her heart, but he had swiftly shut her down, all of the fleeting touches and lingering bouts of eye contact dissipating like boiling water, vanishing like a ship at sea, breaking like her fragile heart. 

Sweeping her scarlet skirts up into her hands, she traversed the expanse of the ballroom, waving politely to trading partners and their stunning wives, nearly tripping over her golden heels if it weren’t for her companion’s lightning reflexes. A murmured ‘thank you’ kissed her lips, but she was quick to continue walking, her dance card heavy in her pocket. 

“Princess! It’s almost time for our dance! Wherever have you been?” 

“Lord Mizuki. I was conversing with the lovely Lady Nikolina, I’m afraid.”

“Ah. And what positively thrilling topic did you discuss this time?” A laugh escaped her lips as she gazed up at the snow-headed boy.

“My less than attractive addiction to the cook’s tarts, per usual.” Mizuki's emerald colored eyes followed her every moment as she chuckled at her previous encounter; he held his ivory hand out to her.

“Let’s dance, shall we?” The only person she wanted to dance with was Chuuya, but she obliged, letting her dainty palm rest against his. To say she was shocked when he reached forward and urgently grabbed her forearm was an understatement. 

“Chuu...ya?” He immediately released her. 

“You better come back right after.” She huffed, swiveling her gaze away from his alluring eyes and letting her suitor tug her away.

He swept her out to the dance floor with grace and agility, weaving through the herds of human beings like a serpent, one hand resting on her corseted waist. Once the waltz had begun, he twirled her and moved her with ease, his grace and royal privilege shining through like the golden sun. His firm grip on the curve of her body was relaxing and coaxing, as if catching her hesitance and disliking for the ordeal. 

“My lady, what was that all about with your… bodyguard, is it? I’ve heard he is quite extraordinary.” She let her eyes flutter up to meet his, mind breezing towards Chuuya’s form, his strong arms and beautiful hues.

“You are correct, Lord Mizuki, Chuuya is quite effective. He has his faults, for example, his extreme impatience and impossibly short tempered, but I’ve known him since I was a child.” She looked fondly over at his tense form, narrowed eyes and locked jaw. “He is awfully protective.” 

“As I can see.” She averted her eyes back to her dance partner, whose own were sharp and limpid, staring directly at the opposing man. 

“Mizuki… you’ve stopped dancing.”

“Ah! Yes, my bad, pardon me, Princess.” He quickly got back into the flow, keeping in sync with the plethora of other couples. 

Once the music had faded out, she curtsied slightly towards her companion, immediately leaving the marble beneath her feet and heading towards the sidelines. Rather than immediately treading back towards her designated “lap dog”, a plan formulated in her brilliant mind, one she wouldn’t have been able to pull off with the ability user around. 

Hues flicking to Chuuya’s position (he was clearly searching for her), she scurried towards the back stairway, grabbing Lady Nikolina’s garish hat directly off of her head as a disguise. Swinging her hips in the Marquiess’ fashion, she easily traversed the velvet carpeted steps, gloved hand delicately running up the glass railing, tracing each intricate design and emblem. Lady Nikolina’s rooms were just down the hall, so she presumed that if she headed left she could discreetly loop around without causing a commotion. Chuuya wouldn’t risk a confrontation with Nikolina even if he suspected it was the princess. She flicked her hands towards the guard discriminatingly, as a sort of greeting so he knew where she was headed off to, which she hoped he assumed was her chambers. Refraining from viewing the astounding paintings of her heritage lining the towering walls and sky-breaking ceiling, she stepped forward with urgency, gold slippers clicking on the obsidian beneath her feet. She could practically feel freedom in her hands, the balcony merely meters away, she could feel the cool autumn air piercing her lungs, the comforting hum of crickets and light gabber of guests still entering her father’s party. 

The shining glass french doors were open in moments, and she spun in euphoria; no more pining suitors, no more reprimanding love interests, no more chastising Marquesses; her plan had been utterly foolproof. Except for one little detail.

Just as she had gotten used to her balcony experience, the entryway slammed open again, a deep, familiar voice slicing through the silence like a bomb, loud and uncontrollable.

“Oi! What the hell do you think you’re doing out here?! Running away like that? Did you really think I wouldn’t be able to recognize you with someone else’s hat on?!” She gulped bracing herself for the lecture to come. “You’re such a stubborn little shit. First you insist on wearing that absurdly fancy dress, then you decide to waltz with that sly snake Mizuki, and for some reason you still have the nerve to sneak away from the ball- from me!” His glare could kill the fluffiest of bunny rabbits, but it didn’t faze her.

“Well, maybe you should stop being a prick about your actions! I could care less whether you held my hand, you idiot!” She thrust her arms down to her sides. “And what does my dress or Lord Mizuki have anything to do with this?! Are you just jealous or something?!” A low growl rose from his throat like the impending rumble of distant thunder, but she was unperturbed. “I’m not stupid, Chuu! I know you feel just the same way I do! I’ve known you for years, you dumbass!” A wisp of hair tumbled in front of her eyes, shielding the building tears from the man. They rebelliously streaked down her rosy cheeks moments later anyway, like rain pouring from (e/c) clouds. She swore she heard a relenting sigh puff out into the silence, but her own quiet whimpers made her unsure of his intentions. Abruptly, one lithe arm looped around her waist tugging her in, his head balancing on top her hers and consequently sending her glittering tiara tumbling to the floor. 

“Listen up, [Name].” She felt a bout of dizziness waft over her as she breathed in his addictive scent of cologne and wine, her corset suddenly felt wound too tightly, and she couldn’t breathe. 

“Chuuya…”

“You’re a princess. I’m your bodyguard. You are supposed to be married off to a wealthy prince, not your me.” 

“I don’t care.”

“See? That’s the problem. I care because my job is on the line.” Craning her head up, she met her eyes with his shockingly blue ones, pleading from the depths of her heart.

“You’d choose your job over me?” He grumbled, fixing his hat.

“You are my job, dumbass.” Continuing to look up at him through her lashes, she tossed the bait.

“Are you saying you don’t want to lose me?” Hook. Line. Sinker. He peered back at her, a light flush across his cheeks. His gaze never left her, and they sat in a forcefield of quiet for five minutes before she made a move, leaning forward into his space. Allowing her lids to flitter closed, she met his lips boldly, the warmth from him enveloping her entire being, drawing her in, and he managed to kiss back, soon becoming more passionate than her. Hands flying to her waist, he tugged her flush against him, her arms winding around his neck and plunging into the forest of orange that topped his head. 

“[Name]...” He murmured, his voice low and husky with desire. His longing was simple to spot in his deep, flaming smooches against her lips, and she was feeling the same emotions course through her. He loved her. She loved him. They had known since they had both realized it within themselves. 

She was the first to draw away, and he immediately tried to capture her lips again, but she held him back, smiling slightly. The snarky remark lingering on her tongue melted away when she met his eyes, her heart swelling at his adoring expression. 

“You’re right,” He murmured gruffly, keeping her close. “I do love you.”

MASTERLIST

Request Here!

[dahniwitchoflight]

Homesquared Chapter 14

lol gotta love John’s enthusiasm of being part of the movers and shakers getting shot down cuz he hasn’t actually flexed his Main Character Muscles in quite a long time

though he’s honestly taking his mid life crisis very well all things considered, its good he cares more about his kids than anything else and I like the bond he’s getting to make with Harry, it’s nice!

Now what’s a million times funnier though is the same thing happening to Vriska, she is decidedly NOT taking her midlife “but but I want to be important too!!” crisis not nearly as well as John is haha

VRISSY: I guess you Did go Viral, 8ut the news moves so fast these days. I don’t think Any8ody is like...

VRISSY: Glued to their phones Waiting for your New Hashtag Resistance content.

Yeah Vriska, you’re so 15 minutes ago :P people have moved on

what, did you think you were going to be important forever?

VRISKA: What’s the point of me even coming to this shitty fake reality if I’m not supposed to fix it?

to have a mid life crisis about not being important anymore obviously :P

VRISSY: Yeah, they told me about That stuff, but a Lot of the Shit that Happened in the Session if just not in the History Books.

VRISSY: You weren’t Really mentioned that Much.

VRISKA: Excuse me?

I Am Living For This Whole Conversation

VRISKA: I SINGLE H8ND8DLY!

VRISKA: CURED YOUR MOTHER’S FUCKING ALCH8LISM!!!!!!!!

JOHN: uh, vriska, everything okay over there?

VRISKA: EVERYTHING’S FINE, J8HN!

JOHN: okay.

JOHN: do you girls want a snack?

ASJHGFSHFHWE yeah calm down Vriska have a snack 

ahh, loving it

Turns out, History is written by the people who were left who decided to give a damn about writing it, and if those people Don’t Like you, they can just decide to not mention you, no matter who you are or what you did

All your “important” accomplishments are for naught and have become meaningless because you’re an asshole and other people didn’t like you enough to decide that you mattered in the long run

Congrats! Infamy doesn’t matter as much as Connection

Aww, cute with Annie getting hug bombed by her moms

Though, Rose definitely has a stronger bond with Annie than just being her surrogate it looks like

I understand this family situation just fine, if Annie really was just supposed to be a way for Jade to overcome her lonliness, and Rose was her only functional way and only person she could approach with this idea, and Rose responded out of care for her friend

Rose, shouldn’t really have a distinct mom attachment here, because then it implies a stronger than platonic relationship with Jade

but it could just be a great example of “this is why you don’t agree to create a child with your friend purely because said friend was crying out of lonliness out of failed relationship and wanted a child to fill that void of lonliness but who then shoves said child off the sidelines and doesn’t interact with her at all and leaves her in the hands and care of a supposed enemy and

yknow, I think I’m just gonna stop there before I remember Jake also knew about Yiffany existing so if the only ones who didn't know were John/Dave/Karkat and Kanaya then what was honestly the point of hiding her in the first place

Its not the fact that Yiffany exists that Im finding hard to believe, its just hows she treated narratively after she started existing thats stretching my rubber band into a dangerous area

“ROSE: Is it the libidinous power rush that comes from snapping your fingers at men with guns, or are you worried that you might accidentally do something heroic?

(its the latter)

“She stopped thinking about how she would be received, and more about how she could play to the people she knew would receive her favorably.

Looking up she sees Tavvy with tears in his eyes. Rage and guilt surge inside her. This situation is not her fault.”

Gotta Justify It. Gotta Justify It.

Doesn’t matter if I’m Right or Wrong, if enough other people validate me than Everything is Fine and I’m a Good Person.

JANE: So before you accuse me, take a look at yourself!

JANE: I'm the only one who has taken any interest in her upbringing or education!

JANE: Or have you forgotten who has been paying for her schooling and taking charge of her introduction into society?

JADE: i never asked you to do that!

JADE: you offered!

Okay but Jade, you DID let Jane have Annie in the first place and then presumably washed your hands of her, when supposedly the only reason Annie exists is because you wanted a daughter with whom you could have a loving relationship with

You gotta, explain you’re thinking there Jade cuz I still don’t get this bit

Though in thinking about it, I think I know why this happened

Jade grew up isolated from any person, but still loved her grandfather, despite his absence

to her, family relationships didn’t involve any sort of personal work, they were just things she had because she had them

did she just believe the same would happen for Yiffanny? that she could paradoxically still have a relationship despite long absences? Annie doesn’t seem to have any resentment here for Jade or Rose so I mean ???

“ If they were to kill Tavros, the entire world would see them commit this war crime. And weighed in the balance, Lalonde and Harley would be off the playing board. Saving your daughter certainly counted as a heroic death, and with the damage they'd done to humanity, it would also probably be just. “

She hates them both so much she’d let Tavros die for it

But also, she really does calculate everything in terms of how the Masses would view their actions as Just or Heroic

so yeah, she was absolutely about to let Tavros die, damn Jane

literally the only thing that stopped you was that Jake viewed the threat as a real threat and was about to do something stupendously Heroic to save Tavros and you decided you didn’t want Jake to die a heroic death

On the flipside, oh damn, Yeah Vriska’s going full throttle right on the nose ahead with the obvious audience expectation, that there gonna make another sburb session and get the obvious group of important 4 kids to god tier

that’s clearly the path vriska wants and expects, but hey, just imagine if what Vriska wanted to happen didn’t happen this time, imagine if the kids were just like “nah im good?” when it comes to a god tier

The narrative is making it super clear that at least 3 out 4 kids are kinda not feeling all the outdoorsy action and excitement of a game of life and death

Annie though I could hella see her down to play sburb and get a god tier, shes got that whole “isolated childhood trauma and parental issues pressure cooking her a strong will to take her life into her own hands” energy

Vriska, go see Annie, her strong willed butt is more of the action girl you’re looking for I think

At least if they do end up playing the game and getting the tiger, Annie feels like the first one to do it or the action catalyst of their session, like how Vriska was for hers, or Dirk for the alphas, or

hmm. who was is that kinda, moved things along for the Beta’s again? I think it was Rose, but Dave did a ton to move things along as well, but also their trolls like Terezi and them gave everything big nudges, I think Rose counts as the equivalent Beta in session mover and shaker though

Side note: the panels with vrissy and vriska here very feel cartoonish and light hearted, interesting choice

but it does give off Major “Play Game: Level 1″ vibes if that makes sense

What the fuck is with the Dave Soldiers

I mean, they look more like Red Johns?Jakes? with the black hair

the glasses throw me off though-

UHH DID THEY JUST FUCKING KILL HARRY ANDERSON??

HOLD ON. HOLD UP

TAVROS AND ANNIE: WITH ROSE/JADE/JAKE/JANE

VRISSY: WITH VRISKA DOWN BELOW

HARRY: WITH JOHN. ON JOHN’S COUCH.

JOHN IS ALSO STILL HERE, MEANING HARRY SHOULD BE WITH HIM.

yeah he literally just went outside for a second to see where the V’s went and then the house gets bombed, and we get three whole panels dedicated to John slowly sitting down in the wreckage

Harry Anderson just got fucking killed holy shit.

oh my god, they were leading up to it too.

We just had three seperate death flags for the other 3 kids in a row

Brain Ghost Dirk warned Jake that Annie was gonna die via electrocution unless he stepped up

Jane was gonna let Tavros die vie neck snapping (even though Kanaya really wouldn’t have)

Vriska and Vrissy discuss god tiering, and what it would mean for Vrissy, death is a subtle implication there but still there

Now to see if Jane’s ever revived Harry Anderson before in the next update I suppose :o

*edit*

They did not kill Harry Anderson, I saw pumpkins in front of the house that got exploded and didn’t see it looks different than the other bland white suburban house that John actually left, so no one died, Harry just got his implied death threat turn

Harry is at Roxy’s House, John sits in the smoldering ashes of his childhood home, languishing in the idea that Jane, the girl who might have in another reality been his loving grandmother, actually wants him and his kids dead for realsies

he never really got to sit and think about the hole where his home was that the meteor struck when he entered sburb huh? (I know his house came with him, giving the allusion all was well in the Medium, but a real meteor still struck the place that he stopped existing on OG Earth, to an outside observer, it would look like a meteor destroyed his home)

with Vriska talking about sburb to Vrissy, it is nice imagery to imagine the implications of the Kids god tiering from Earth C

and the destruction left in their wake

[cuddliestbear]

Tw:abuse,emotional manipulation, self harm mentioned

You know, over the past few years, I think I have learned a LOT about myself as a person. Leaving that toxic environment that was my father's house was a good decision, and ultimately better for me as a whole.

But since then, even with meds, with therapy, support from family and friends, I find I'm still on the road to recovery.

I've got anxiety and depression now, and low self esteem, and low expectations for any person in my life because it's easy for me to think 'this is better than before at least' and let shit slide. I can't keep thinking like that, I need to be better, not coasting. But, I'm working on it and trying so hard to give myself the self love I need after so many years of emotional and mental abuse hurled at me at such a young stage in my life.

I cry sometimes for the life I could have had had I not been conned into moving. I might still be friends with an old friend from my home who I barely talk to anymore. I might have ACTUALLY become a Marine Biologist. I might have done a lot of things, met a lot of people, different people than I know now.

Through the bs I went through, at least I have my friends, and my mom whenever I need them. I'm trying to take on the perspective of glass half full lately, because I have been such a pessimist since I was sixteen. It's not a matter of getting over it, there is no getting over it, it is being able to acknowledge the hurt that happened, and process it in a healthy way to better myself.

To people who will say 'how could you just abandon them like that?' It wasn't easy, whether they hurt me or not whether they were horrible to me or my mom or not, I still cared about them to some extent. That has always been my problem with things, when I care, I CARE, when I don't care, I REALLY don't. So, to try and leave people that had housed me and clothed me and fed me was hard. I didn't want to leave my sisters, I kinda didn't want to leave my dad behind because I am 90% positive he was just as miserable there as I was. But, also my dad created this problem for himself. He met this woman and decided he wanted to marry her, that was his decision, not mine. It was his decision to let her keep his balls in her purse so he wouldn't ever stick up for his own flesh and blood when his wife was being a cunt to them. So, yes, I 'abandoned' them, if that's what you want to call it. And, I shouldn't have to be sorry for that. And I am NOT sorry for that.

The only thing I am sorry for is having to leave my sisters behind. And I am sorry that they couldn't figure out that I am a whole human with whole human feelings and thoughts and ideas and own ways to be. No, what they wanted was a perfect little daughter who was obedient to a fault. They wanted a puppet who's life they could control and play with like a stupid fucking sims game.

And if I am swearing a lot in this it's because even after years of being away, I am STILL angry. So, so, so angry. All the time. Because I had been put through hell by adults that should have fucking known better. I solemnly swear that I will NEVER have children, because I barely know how to take care of myself, I have no right trying to take care of a mini human when I have so many issues that might complicate parenting.

They ripped my dreams and hopes to tatters and I was left with nothing of myself. I was a shell for so many years, I cried so often, but eventually I did that in secret because no one gave a shit. I used the razors in pencil sharpeners to open my wrists in PUNISHMENT to MYSELF because I was made to feel like I was the problem that everything was on me and I failed and kept failing and it built and I broke. I'm not proud of any lingering marks on my body, but it would be foolish of me to discount them. They are imprints of my own pain, and they remind me that I am stronger than I once was. Not by much but I am stronger.

The fucked up part isn't even that I hurt myself, the fucked up part is that I THOUGHT I deserved that pain. That I EVER deserved to be treated like such a stain on their life they would do anything to scrub out or paint over. There were always good days and bad days, but the overall experience was misery and lonliness.

I couldn't really hang out with friends outside of school and if I did, they wanted to know exactly what I was doing, and where I was going and who I was with. And they didn't approve of the vast majority of the answers to those questions. So, I just never went out. Never hung out on the weekends somewhere, I just stayed home in my room on my own as often as I could. My room was my only safe place and even then that was subject to be rifled through and examined always. I had no privacy, no life and I only went to school and came home, rinse and repeat. School was one of the only bright spots in my life because at least there my friends wanted me to be around and people seemed to like me.

That's also something I've struggled with, I have an incessant need to be liked by ABSOLUTELY everybody even though I know that isn't realistic. I do my best to be kind and compassionate to others and became that sort of mom friend who will listen to you air out your own problems while bottling my own.

But, I'm trying to fix that, trying to work on myself because I have so many deep seated issues that I don't talk about with anyone. I'm also so TIRED of being angry, it takes so much energy, and I am so so tired.

To anybody stuck in situations like that, first opportunity you get, get help, some support from somebody. If you're able to and not in danger, check out this website for domestic violence and domestic abuse support. https://www.thehotline.org/

Know that there are options, there is still hope and there is still light somewhere to guide you. Do what is right by you, and you will find that light. Even if doing right by you means leaving a relationship or household you've been in for years. It's hard but you can do it.

To quote Kingdom Hearts "May your heart be your guiding key." Use that key to free yourself and get help if you can!

Anyways, sorry for the heavy topic, I just had to get that all out there.

[hazbinextgeneration]

Questions

Cellos and roses. Raindrops and poses. Circling in circles. For those watching who choses.   Darkness of the rain pattering the windows harshly was the thing that they saw with those eyes of theirs, lightning and thunder lighting the entirety of the one who wanted for their friend to finally return from the outside finally back in. The softness of the pillow clutched t their warm body helped only a little as they still awaited the expected arrival of the one they've come to know and love. The burning sensation of lonliness starting to seep in and the body curling around the soft comfort of the soft pillow. The bed providing them some warmth from the storm outside. The wind howling almost sounding like the low volumes of the cello from the high pitched winds whipping around rattling the window beating against them all. "Why.." the voice small and meek mumbled out from the safety of the pillow the tiny and forced, "did you leave me here to burn? I'm WAY to young to be this hurt. I f-feel doomed in hotel rooms." Eyes looked up from clutched pillow to the window as another lightning bold lit the room. Shadows dancing in delight from their might, reflecting in the eyes of the small being,before they focused on some of the dancing shadowns among the wall closest to them. "S-Starring straight up at the wall. Counting rooms and I am trying to numb them all." Green reflected back in the window's raindrops and light bolts. "Do you care? ...Do you care? Why don't you care?....... I gave you all of me!" green eyes narrowed and the window vibrated from the violent smack of the pillow it received. Thrown with the force of a small boxer. The feelings of anger and betrayl evident in their movements and voice. "I gave you all of me! My BLOOD. My SWEAT. My HEART. And my TEARS!! WHY DON'T YOU CARE!?," the voice bellowed out to the roof above as their feet made contact with the floor and up they left, angrily pushing themselves off the bed. "I was there! I WAS THERE WHEN NO ONE WAS!! ....Now you're gone and I'm here."  A  shadow fell over the dresser next to the bed and in one swift movement a picture frame of one particular demonic stealing spider was shoved away from them to the floor and the floor vibrated with the slamming of the picture frame. Angry green eyes burning. "I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU!!" The angry voice yelled at the shattered frame as a foot slammed down on it. The sounds drowned out by wind and lightning. "NUMBER ONE!! TELL ME WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU GOT SOME NERVE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAITH APART!! NUMBER TWO!! WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO PLAY ME FOR THE FOOL?!" Another stomp completely destroyed it as they gritted their teeth glaring at the destroyed frame. "NUMBER THREE!! WHY WEREN'T YOU WHO YOU SWORE THAT YOU WOULD BE?!" The lighting lit the room with another strike and lighting the form of someone staring out into the raining abyss with palms spread out against the cool glass under their palms and sadness dripping from their eyes seeping out. "I got questions haunting me. I have questions for you." Rain spattering side walks. Buildings. Everything. Soaking the world in a blanket of water from the abyss sky above showering the world below this night, winds whipping her and pushing her for daring to walk out tonight. Not caring who she was nor that the pink eyes was shedding their own form of raindrops from the drenched person daring to walk the lonely streets alone during this dumb time in the middle of the dangerous night. The only sounds being the echoing of the woman's own slow foot steps, failing to rub her drenched arms in some failed attempt to even warm her own soul up. Those eyes just looking towards the top of the buildings scanning for any she even recognized in this darkened state. ".... my name was safest in your mouth" Mournfully the sorrowing echoes began of the siren and to the sky she went. Soft droplets beating down and rolling over soft petal skin and rose eyelids. Kisses from the dark abyss above.  "And why'd you have to go and spit it out? Oh, your voice, it was the most familiar sound, but it sounds so dangerous to me now. And now....I have questions for you." Hearts opening up to the idea of the droplets and the water suddenly finding itself company by a reflection of sirenful sorrow, and interrupted by the ripples of steps among the beats of droplets and wind music. "Number one. Tell me who you think you are?" The woman asked the copy of her staring back before it was banned away by ripples. "You got some nerve trying to tear my faith apart. Number two. Why would you want to try and play me for a fool? I should have NEVER trusted you!" Funny how store windows have a tendacy to show one's self within darkness still too wasn't it as it reflected someone's stilled silence. Staring deeply into the glass reflection's eyes. "Do you care? Why don't you care? I gave you all of me." Pink hands clouded any vision dripping with abyss's watery kisses. "I gave you all of me. My blood. My sweat. My heart. My tears." Clenched fists they became. "Why don't you care? I was there when no one else was! ......Now you're gone and I'm here. And now I have questions for you." Still she be, soaking in the shower of the abyss's affection and kisses rolling down her soft rose petal skin and staying there until eventually they joined their army within the puddles and ripples below. The sorrow reflection staring into the copy's abyss....until one of the reflections of one particular tall building finally caught the eyes of the siren. Widening in grace as it became clear finally through everything surrounding her. Ripples in the water was made as the footsteps echoed loudly throughout the air drowning out raindrops towards the ways of that building. Green eyes staring out into the stormy night through the droplets and suddenly widening at the sight of pink making their way through the dark to the building. In an instant, it didn't matter how angry they were before, all that mattered was the fast pace they set through the room and out the doorway. Footsteps echoing down the stairs as they thundered towards the doorway down below them. "How do I fix it? Can we talk? Can we communicate? Can we talk?" Footsteps slowed down once they reached the end of the stairs and then the sounds disappeared all together at the entrance to the warm building inside. Green eyes awaiting. "Is it my fault? Do you miss me?" The slamming of doors was the only answer to their questions as the rain and thunder were finally welcomed in and they watched as the soaked rose stumbled in soaking wet from the storm outside and looking like they ran a marathon and a half. Green eyes met rose ones and all was silent for those very few moments as they just stopped and stared at each other...Until the smaller one ran up to her and was met with open arms, not caring if the other was drenched worse than the oceans. "I have questions for you." "I know."

For @ynkaliko                               Song is I Have Questions by Camila Cabello.

[lim-lifeinmotion]

A story about a boy just a little bit broken

I would like to tell you a story About a boy that is broken Not by much Only just a little bit if at all You see this boy was a happy child He did normal happy child things He’d play and sing and dance Even if not very good but oh how this boy liked to play In the mud, mud pies, mud soup He liked the mud he did Stuck in the mud, mud scrub, mud bath mud, mud, mud, mud, mud He was an odd little child, Liked playing with barbie dolls, ken dolls He had no preference really And eating snails He enjoyed spending time with his friends Although mum made this difficult sometimes You see mum didnt always agree with the other mums Im sorry you cannot see them anymore But that is okay because he had plenty of other friends to play with But none were like them He felt sad and lonely Where are all my friends? This boy also loved to fish! What a thing it was Spending time with dad who he never really saw One weekend away this little boy had a new friend Of who’m he’d like to play! A new friend he thought  “I’m so happy” Mummy and daddy should we play? Allright said the little boy He knew nothing better Down his pants went I dont understand why? Touches his pee pee Nobody can touch that? But a new friend is a new friend “This is our little secret”? Okay So everynow and then They’d play mummy and daddy She was a lot older  He was only 3 he didn’t know any better He did not want her to touch his pee pee Or lick his private parts But a new friend is a new friend Will everyone be angry? So as the years went by mummy and daddy wouldn’t stop fighting To count the days when they were happy? He was young but even he could count as high as 10? It’s all your fault we fight they said Time and time again If it weren’t for you kinds we wouldn’t have these problems “I don’t want to be the problem”? How do I not be the problem? Be a better boy, listen a little more, Maybe if i stay home I can show mummy I‘m a good boy I dont want you to go away This little boy found a new friend!  Hip hip horaay He was so happy and excited A reason to wake up every day But this boy could never stay over Not for a whole night What if mummy was gone when I get home? Please take me home, I want to go home now. Once more mummy disagrees with the other mummy, I am sorry you cannot see them any more I’m sorry I’m not supposed to talk to you I have to listen to what mummy says Now they wont stop fighting, And we’re moving in with my aunty I liked her dog and her pool and her piano A few years we were happy, no more yelling at last But as this boy got older He saw his sister being yelled at Please stop fighting I don’t like to see you all cry When she was 15 she had had enough He didn’t want her to go but knew mummy would be happier if she did So she did We were happy again Daddy came home but the fighting continued Only with my other sister now It wasn’t long before she moved out  A few years into highschool You see everyone in this family Was in the top of their clases They were not dumb or stupid They weere in fact extremely smart Nerissa was good at english,

 drawing, she was also a very nice singer Tyla was good at netball and maths, she was so popular and so was nissy Ryan was good at maths and art and really enjoyed running and sports, He wasn’t the storngest but he could run and never look back But now everyone had moved out And I was again all alone The boy had no friends Although everypne knew who he was At school he’d walk and chat Bounce between groups making them smile and laugh You’re so funny ryan So many friends now! But on the weekends it was playstation and games Nobody wanted to hang out with him  Out of uniform he really didnt belong And the yelling started again His entire life he did not think it would ever be him? But im such a good boy mummy I try my best every day Until one day It was time to leave You see out of nowhere he met a boy A boy he fell in love with Someone that liked him, thought was funny and kind It’s all he’d ever wanted The boys became close They shared their first kiss Their first everything What a time to be young, to be alive He would get bullied  By the younger students Because the older ones knew his sisters Everybody loved them But they no longer went to school They both left way too young They were so smart and so popular I dont understand why? But this boy didn’t care The silly words people would say He was happy and in love He finally had a friend He started living with this boy, His family were like his own No fighting no yelling A safe and peaceful home for two years they lived together until they grew apart When you’re young you are curious There is so much to live for to see and to do He began to see the darkness again His home was gone again He had no friends The words now had power He tried but he let them in Fag they would say Push and shove him they would do In class he cried At home he died He began to wonder about death How beautiful it would be So he took the knife and made his first cut An addicion he would soon regret At first they were small On the wrist because thats were people did it right? But too many eyes saw  You cannot wear an armband all year So he took the knife and took to his thigh So much more flesh to cut I can go deeper and harder now than before This boy truly wanted to die Bloody sheets  Vodka bottles He stopped going to classes But did all his work He didnt want to be a drop out But he didnt want to go to school So in a bottle of chi he’d mix A bottle before, during and after school Nobody suspected a thing, He never wore uniform anyways He was never rude or inpolite The opposite in fact He had to be a good boy He had a job which he quit Becausee he drank and cut and cried Nothing could stop it A part of him had died So he decided he needed money Skipped a few weeks rent Was told they needed to talk So up he went and left He didnt mean to hurt them He didnt want to be a burden They found the bottles and the bloodied mess He didn’t want to make them angry So back he went “home” To the yelling and screaming The rules oh the rules Do not exist From here things fall apart and there is no more rhymes That little happy child, he was dead now, he died a long time ago and all that was left was darkness, sadness, an anti depressant shell He spent his days drinking and taking drugs and cutting himself. Nothing made sense, the only clear thing in his existance was the fact that he no longer wanted to be in this world and he made it clear that he was just waiting to die. I missed a lot out of this story, a lot of good things happened, he was so loved but honestly those memories are all but faded and bleak lost somewhere in the dpeth of the lonliness he had felt his entire lfe, the sadness, the emptiness that filled him. He was annorexic and coudln’t eat, he saw his weight go from 64 down to 48 where it would stay for some time. He met a lot of amazing guys but none felt right, none gave him that feeling that young cute boy did and no matter how hard he tried all he ended up leaving was a wake of destruction and hurt wherever he went. I could count 10 different people he ended up destroying, 2 earned the label. He never intended to hurt them, he really tried, he just wanted to feel loved, to feel something, anything at all. But never could. He sold his body for sex at the age of 17, he needed money to continue drinking and living because partying to forget was all he knew. What a messed up life this poor child had, no wonder he’s a god damn mess until the other day he knew anything bad that could have happened had happened to him, the other day when he remembered he was molested. He’s been raped by his best friend, molested when he was a child, sold for sex, beaten, thrown to the ground, abandoned on the side of the road by his parents. literally kicked out of the car at 3 or 4 years old and I just remember him standing behind the car screaming and crying, begging to let him back in. He been cheated on, drugged, ruphied, overdosed and died. He’s tried to kill himself on more occasions than I can count of both hands and both feet. He’s put himself in hospital but never once has he intentionally tried to hurt someone, Never has he ever laid another finger on another human being that he hasn’t blacked out and done in a fit of rage, childhood trauma is funny like that. I am not a bad person and I know this to be true but I feel like there is little more that life could throw at me, little more that I can have done to me because I have seen it all, been through it all and I am so angry at the world for this. For so long I see eyes that reflect the soul, I know how to play this game, I managed to trick myself into believing I was happy in order to stop myself from killing myself, you can sure as hell bet I will trick you too. When you look into my eyes and you see that pure innocent smile, that cheeky grin, the light sparking as it fills you with that infections glow. Sure some of the time it is genuine but for the most part I am just so sad and there is no way I want to put that onto anybody else, ssssssssso I will fool you into believing I am happy and so damn peaceful but my actions reflect someone so broken, so detroyed, someone that has next to no love or respect for themselves because how can I? After everything? Im working so fucking hard to make this work, to re learn the things I had stripped away from me, pice by piece, like tiny cracks forming on the glass I was constantly trying to fix and mend but like so many cracks I couldn’t keep up with the speed at which they were forming and shaterring. I became so very good at fixing them but now I am left with a broken soul, A shattered mind, a scarred body, left trying to yet again mend the pieces but she is so very tired, a life without a brake and I am ready to put the brakes on before I break because breaking is all I know how to do, breaking is what I do best but I just need a brake because it will break me otherwise. I know I am such a powerful person, I am so god damn resiliant yet still so fucking loving regardless of all this shit. I wonder sometimes how the fuck I am still here, kicking, working, moving forward trying to make a better life for myself, because with all this on a page and missing quite a lot, that is too much for one 24 years of “life”, That is too much for anyone to endure. I havent even mentioned my sisters life, how they both tried to kill themselves, “Home” was that bad that they would rather have died than exist. My youngest sisters boyfriend killed himself when she was 16 or so, she wanted to follow, had a note and the noose all ready. How much shit can life throw at somebody before it really is just starting to take the piss, I feel my life is just one big fucking joke because no way can this be real, no way can this be the reason I was put on this earth for. If there was a god why would he look at a 3 year old and smile telling him he was going to be sexually assaulted time and time again, beaten and abused for the rest of his 25 years in the world. How fucking dare you. How fucking dare you. This may seem like I am asking for pity but that I do not want, I don’t need your sympathy because it makes no god damn difference o me, It doesnt change the chemicals in my brain, it doesn’t give me a reason to get up in the morning or give me comfort in bed at night. I want you to know how fucking cruel this life has been and why I am so god damn fuking messed up in the deepest and darkest way possible. “Why” is the big question of endless possibilities but this is one of those reasons, one of the many possibilies, the endless ways my life could have gone and destiny looked at me and chose this path for me. Fuck you, Just fuck you and your bullshit lenses about flowers and fairies, I grew up with the monsters under my bed, the headless horseman was my ride through hell and back, Samara was my pen pall and nobody was there for me in the end to protect me, I can’t even protect me, I can’t say no to people so I just close my eyes, pretend to be enjoying it and let it happen. Fuck you Unedited rant because fuck reading this to edit its way too fucking much

[loudanqueer]

.

So like...

I have a lot going on. Like, I guess busy-wise, but also this undercurrent of emotional shit that’s been following me around for awhile. And I’m gonna therapeutically air some shit out.

Love. Relationships. It’s fucking horrible. Between Trey and Tristan, I associate relationships with emotional pain and the general sense that I’m not good enough. Trey always ignored me and would point out my flaws (to better me, I guess? Make me aware that I had flaws to fix?) and I don’t know the real definition of gaslighting, but maybe that? Tristan was full-on emotionally abusive. Volatile, quick to anger. Never hit me, but would get right up in my face and yell at me, and was always belittling me. I was always wrong because I have emotional responses, and he uses logic in everything he does and is therefore always correct. Fuck him. As soon as the purge becomes legal his ass is dead, and I don’t think I’m joking. I’d do it. 

But anyway. So now I’m at a point to where if somebody expresses romantic interest in me I get... not good. I’m super cocky and in love with myself and will go as far as to call myself God. Narcissus doesn’t have shit on me. Until somebody expresses romantic interest in me. Then I feel nauseous and immediately start self-loathing. And I finally made the connection that it’s their fault. 

That doesn’t give me a solution though.

So I haven’t dated in over a year. Went on a date this summer, but that’s kinda it. I’ve been feeling lonely, as one does, so I’ve been somewhat interested recently. But I’m moving in a year, so it’d be useless to get into an actual relationship right now. It’d be smart to wait. But I’m getting open to the idea of maybe going on dates.

So.

I might’ve gotten myself into something?

It’s a really sudden thing, which is making me feel weird about it. After expressing my lonliness and sexlessness and whatnot, Rachel suggested her and her boyfriend. I’m poly, and do eventually want to be in a thrupple. I figured I’d slowly ease into this (cause she even said we can part in a year no-hard-feelings) and we hung out last night. (Note: boyfriend graduated a few years ago so I don’t really know him). So we watch movies, fool around at the very end, but even towards the beginning... I might’ve agreed to be their girlfriend? I don’t know.. I don’t know. Don’t know. But they think I am, and I’m trying to convince myself that this is an okay and even good thing. But... I don’t know if I’m even sexually or romantically attracted to them. Even last night... I don’t know if I wanted to do things with them, I just went along with it. (Which isn’t rape!! I consented to everything!)

Ugh, I don’t know. I sent her a message asking what we were and if we’re exclusive, because I know I’m not ready for something exclusive. I was just trying to test waters and now I don’t even good about it all. And I think I made her upset, but she does understand, and she said she’d give me a proper response once she’s in a better headspace. So now I’m getting anxious over this, already didn’t feel good about this, and is kinda now regretting this. 

I just want to be able to fall in love again. I don’t like being ruined like this.

[carina-xvx-hellebore]

}Likewise, reasons to die negative things I should recognize and work toward either fixing or otherwise immunizing myself to:

I have huge platonic crushes on two people who very likely hate each other and every time I look at either of them I get both a feeling of lonliness and extreme tension

I can't masturbate anymore because every time I think dirty thoughts I'm reminded of my ex and it hurts

I can't think of or look at anything romantic because due to my last relationship I'm stuck with a twisted mindset that screams at me things along the lines of "if they say 'you're my everything' or anything like that then they deserve to die I know I do" so basically romance is a deathtrap to me forever

I can't even hold a relationship with a fucking fictional character

I tried

I think she still loves me but my anxiety attacks and depression are just demanding too much alone time for me to not feel terrible about it

it's not Monika by the way fuck Monika

her name is Merry and she's an old friend's- y'know what I've said too much

anyway enough of the satire back to the sad shit

I have about ten years' worth of a story to tell but I am 89.5% sure no one will ever want to hear it

sometimes I still think one of my best friends secretly hates me because of what I did to a former friend

don't worry, I hate me too

wow this is all pretty sad but really I'm just laying the problems out here; kind of formally recognizing them

I will now and forever hate sunrises, ice rinks, hot cocoa with cinnamon in it, the rain, and any mention of a name I refuse to give out to any of you

Xaos keeps insisting that I should hate her but I can never bring myself to do so

but really my ex is 60% of my depression! Ahaha~

honestly that's partially a joke; she's a major component but if I'm to be completely honest I think I've always just been super depressed

she just made me forget about it for the longest time and now that she's gone I can't see colors anymore

the worst part is it's all my fault

it's all my fault

it's all my fault

some days I feel like Sayori!

other days I feel like s x y x r i .

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

school never gets easier

I've always been a woman and yet somehow I'm the man of the house and it's just too much responsibility

insert typical remark about how I'm not pretty enough for anyone because yeah news flash I'm like that too

I'm edgy and whiny and should probably stop this list now

h҉̸̢̧͡ę̶ ͢҉͢w͏͝a̛͝҉͠n̡̨͜͠t̢̀͠s͟҉̕ ̢͏̡̕͠h̵͢͢i҉s͜ ̴̸͠͠l͘i̴҉̵̵̷f͘͢ę̡͝͏ ̴̧̡͘͠b̷͘͠a̡҉ć̶̨͠k͏̵̨͞

did I mention the ten-year story I'll never get to tell anyone?{

}Reasons to live:

Fishie-chan would be a :(

Komi is a cool person

Scorpio (Harley? is that their name?) is also super cool and would miss my shitposts (and my corpse would miss them too)

Farad-senpai (ISHIE-KUUUUUN)

If I tried to drown myself I would probably accidentally float and not know how to dive

If I hung myself I’d probably snap the rope again (again (again again again))

Yo man I’ve been living with a hole in my heart this whole time and I haven’t died yet so I feel like stabbing myself wouldn’t change much

Eating bullets is for Titans

hhhhhhhhh

Bleach probably tastes disgusting and my gag reflex is horrid

W r a t h o f N a z o

Jen and Rhyan (a gay guy and a bi girl from school who are totes fukcign cool dudes)

I’m not fucking quitting until I get my school choir to do english Snow Halation out of pure spite god damn it

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Cars aren’t reliable enough and I bet you anything they’d all stop bc I have terrible timing

I can’t climb for shit so congratulations railing you are now my number one enemy every time I see a roof

I bet there are a lot of other people who still care about me even though they’ve never made it super clear and I’m oblivious af

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Xaos would piss on my grave without a shadow of a doubt that buggin’ fuck{

[brujaspeak]

So how do i feel? I feel like I'm never gonna get it right. I'm 30 and all I ever wanted was to be in love and be married and have two kids. But now i feel like that will never happen which is why i force myself to believe I dont want it. It's easier to tell myself and everyone that i dont want to be married and i dont believe in love and that i hate kids because honestly it hurts me to know that no one willingly wants to have that with me. It's become worse now that i'm 30 and oddly enough its become worse since i found out gilbert is married. It's one of those feelings when people tell you something but you dont believe them or trust them so you push it away. He said he wanted to marry me but i didnt buy into it. I really believe my craziness led to the relationship failing. I tried to push him away, i wanted something new. I was done feeling the pain of infidelity. but the thought of "what if i forgave him" what if i trusted him?" maybe i couldve been married right now. Instead I am not married, killing more babies, no potential of anything happening... I'm in the same situation all over again, I dont trust the person im with, and im tired of feeling the pain of infidelity. I dont know if i believe you about not having sex with her, a part of me may believe it would be easier if it was just a fuck...instead of an emotional connection. The problem with you is you showed me that im not special, im not a catch, im just another girl, im not a prize or a dream come true... im not something to chase and im not someone to think twice about... in that moment you thought it was over and that was it, i was not an afterthought and i was not a "maybe i should call her?" "maybe i should eat my pride and fix this first?" Instead i was just a "i guess its over". and you did what you did. Ive felt this before and i hate the feeling. I hate feeling like love isnt real and i hate feeling like everyone will hurt you. thats all ive known. the truth is i dont want to marry someone that already has a strike against them. I dont want to have a baby with someone that was too much of a coward to feel his own saddness and eat his pride to call me and fix it. I cant ever trust someone that could keep a lie from me, who can hide texts from me, and say he forgot about everything that he surely does remember. Maybe later in life I will look back and realize how dumb it is to think love shouldnt make mistakes. but right now i know when i love someone im not cabale of cheating or lieing. I wasnt in love with gilbert when we happened. I hadnt been in love with gilbert since 2013 when he left me in corpus. I cried for months, i dated andrew to kill the lonliness and i went back to gilbert to prove to him he made a mistake leaving me. Unfortunatly, those are not reasons to be with someone and i could not fool myself any longer. Ryan, I really did like you. I saw you as the purest thing ever. I hyped you up and made you out to be something your not. Its my fault for making you to be a savior and an unrealistic idea in my head. Its chessy but the whole natasha thing was you falling from heaven. you lost your angel wings and that halo i thought you wore. You became just like gilbert, capable of hurting me, capable of lies, and capable of hiding the truth or omiting the truth in both your cases. what do i do? this is what i feel but what do i do? do i leave? do i stay? all i know is to hold on until theres an obvious sign. I cant let go of people. I dont know how to move on from a bad situation. so maybe i am capable of forgiveness? but the truth is i dont want to have to forgive something like this! Why should i have to? why is this always the test thrown my way? I should be allowed to say no, i dont want to be with someone capable of any form of cheating. I am putting my foot down unknowingly, thats probaly why i cant forgive you or forget. bacause i dont want to have to do so. what if i married you, i would always know there was a moment your mind wandered and your heart was not with me. I'm too much of a sap that i could not live knowing my husband or father of my child could be with someone else. unrealistic, sure... will i ever find what im describing im looking for, unlikely...but thats just where i am right now.