#but it sometimes gets forgotten if the ep is viewed in isolation

[mindibindi]

okay but i think the part people often overlook in this scenario -- because it's part of a comic episode (cos rape is charming and hilarious to these bros) -- is that this happens during the cancer arc. It isn't mentioned at all but we know, from where this story is placed, that this is during a time that Scully's cancer is rapidly metastasizing and, for all they know, she is closer to death with every passing day. In this ep, Mulder and Scully are clearly making the most of the time they have, just enjoying being on the job together. Scully teases Mulder. Mulder enjoys Scully's teasing. Mulder enjoys the benefits of Scully's medical expertise. And hearing about her fantasies of she'd be other than herself while they share an umbrella.

This is how Scully wanted to spend the rest of her days. Just at his side, living their life, studying weird scientific anomalies and fitting meaningful moments of personal connection into the brief time they have between knocking on doors and taking names etc. She didn't want melodrama. She wanted normalcy. Routine. Their life. Their routine. And tho she tells Mulder at the end of "Memento Mori" that she chose this for herself and not him, we suspect that this is a half-truth. We know -- and more importantly, she knows -- it's what Mulder wants too. He's scared and he doesn't know how to relate outside of their established routines and rhythms. He's lost and doesn't want anything to change. Even tho he knows it is going to. Eventually.

But even so, despite this agreement that they have silently made to just continue on, doing their jobs, being them (whatever that means), there HAS to be a part of both of them that realises that this isn't time they are going to get back. Part of them knows that this time might be better used getting real, getting close, asking and answering all the questions that they have about the other. Like: who'd you go to prom with? Who were you before you came into my life and altered it completely? Prior to this, we've seen Scully resist Mulder's dedication to his work, we've seen her want a life outside of the X files. We know this is something that will drive them apart in the future. So I think that we can assume that, however well she knows Mulder and his limitations, part of her wants him to act exactly as Eddie van Blundht did. Attentive. Interested. Relaxed. Engaged. Like he has all the time in the world for her. So when she opens that door and meets an altered Mulder, a warm and talkative man, it isn't just that she's getting a version or side of Mulder she's always wanted. It's that she thinks he's finally coming to her, wanting to create real connection with her before the opportunity is no longer available to either of them. Maybe this is his clumsy attempt -- one she's been secretly waiting for for months -- to get closer before she dies.

So yes, she's suspicious, weirded out. She wants this. But in her mind, she's probably also thinking: is this just cos I'm dying? And he's scared of losing his sidekick? Is that why he's coming here? Acting weird? Asking this? Leaning in and looking at me like...oh...oh shit... That's a silent part of her inner conflict. Not just that it's not quite Mulder. Or not quite how she envisaged this happening. (Tho she has). But that she doesn't want her illness, her loss triggering his Samantha stuff, to be the leverage that makes him act like not-quite-her-Mulder. AND at the same time, she IS dying. And they are both kind of ignoring that reality. They're both scared and both going thru their fear alone. And she DOES want that real connection with him. She does want to exist outside of the X files. She wants THEM to exist outside of the X files. Neither of them really knows how to do that, to shift them out of their time-worn routine. But maybe, she thinks, this is his attempt to do that. Because their time together is limited by her diagnosis.

The latter half of this whole season is haunted by Scully's illness and death. Every single episode alludes to it in some way even when it isn't spoke aloud. We have grief and funerals and spectres in "Kaddish", "Unrequited" and "Max" etc. We have the big what-if of time travel in "Synchrony". "Small Potatoes" is sandwiched in between this and Scully going back into hospital, more spectres and Mulder's punishing pursuit to remember everything(!!). The revelation of this ep isn't just that Scully would let Mulder kiss her or Scully craves a deeper knowledge of Mulder or Scully wants to experience them outside their safe yet scary milieu. It's that Scully wants all of the above to occur before she dies. But she doesn't know how to say so. She wants more from him, from their life together, but doesn't know how to make it happen. Even when she's shown that it may be as simple as showing up on his doorstep with a cheap bottle of wine.

small potatoes is actually fucking crazy bc imagine you are so good at repressing your feelings and bottling everything up and one day your best friend who you are in love with is like let’s hang out and get tipsy and tell stories which is kind of weird but good weird and you tell him you like him like this and talk about your childhood and your fears and he goes to kiss you and oops it’s not him it wasn’t him the whole time and the real him is busting down the door. i would never open up to anyone again