#but it is a fairly okay time waster.

[babygray-dam]

Some shows I've been clearing off my list this week:

Endo and Kobayashi Live! The Latest on Tsundere Villainess Lieselotte: A couple of high schoolers find themselves able to talk to the characters in a love sim game and try to save the doomed villainess' life. I'm glad there are more shows with a more humanizing focus on the typical love sim rival. Bit slow-paced, with at least two lead couples and worlds to juggle, but the characters were on the whole okay and I did cry during the ending. Also has Sugita Tomokazu using his more boring, generic-ass voice, but there was couple of times his voice broke out of that.

Buddy Daddies: A pair of assassins adopt the illegitimate daughter of one of their targets. An action comedy with a jazzy soundtrack and a cute kid, of course it's going to get compared to Spy x Family. The theme is found family; as they care for this kid, the two guys learn that they can change and have the familiar bonds they didn't grow up with before. I like the action and the comedy of this show. It took a couple of episodes for me to warm up to the kid, though.

Raven of the Inner Palace: Based on a Japanese light novel series, a mysterious consort in Chinese historical fantasy land solves strange happenings and puts souls to rest. There's ghosts, zombies, tragic backstories, and a slow burn romance; the season ends with the consort and the emperor as good friends and the real mystery still unanswered. Can the Raven Consort escape her fate? It was very pretty and the 'monster of the week' style stories were engaging.

Bucchigire! (Shine on! Bakumatsu Bad Boys): After the leaders of the Shinsengumi were slaughtered by soul-stealing occultists, seven criminals are conscripted to take their places. The characters are color-coded in a kids' show sort of way, and the animation has a overlay that gives it an old storybook paper feel. I got too bored to finish it (without the pressure of crossing this off the list), but I did like the Hijikata and Okita replacements, Sakuya and Akira respectively, and the show's take on Katsura Kotaro Kogoro. (Right up until Akira and Katsura kissed....)

Revenger: A group of assassins do the Lord's work by taking revenge for others. I watched the last episode first (complete coincidence, it was airing at the time), and it told me all I needed to know. It's similar to Bucchigire!, a bunch of guys having a murder adventure during the Edo period, but this one has all the things I wished the other had. (Most specifically, deeper pathos, more interesting plots, and less comic relief team members.) I cannot promise that I won't think about a Gintama/Revenger au, what with the light-haired leader of the odd-jobs revenge shop....

[dear-kumari]

The Pale Blue Eye pulls a pretty neat final twist that I've always wanted to see play out in a whodunnit, but unfortunately it also executes that twist in the lamest way possible

[whence-the-woody]

Okay did a bit more of a proper watch so have more thoughts

Why the fuck are we still seeing the Duke's friend and his family?? I wouldnt watch their scenes in s1 when they were relevant, why the hell would I watch now?

Featheringtons continue to be annoying time wasters and never funny

Way too late for a Cowper redemption arc nice try

I still dont see chemistry between polin. I know Nicola is a good actress, shes been great on this show and others, she can do funny, happy, devestated - but her doing attraction is just alot of breathing and looking distressed. Not helped by Luke who is giving her NOTHING. I know people will disagree, mostly coz they think hes hot, but what a weak leading man.

On that notes, I knew this going in but what on earth is Colins arc supposed to be here? Its not helped by his characterisation being all over the place. Hes learned to not care about what others think but hes constantly slighting Pen because hes embaressed? He says hes discovered who he is by travelling but then talking about "what society expects of me"? Is his whole arc learning to not be embaressed of a woman because she hasnt always dressed well? Previous seasons werent perfect but at least the leads had clear arcs. This series is all Pen's arc and even that is pretty subtle, except for the makeover obviously.

I actually really like Francessca as a character and I really like her chemistry with this guy. Im almost 100% sure she doesnt marry him, or shes widowed at some point? Anyway, I hope they work out they're hella cute

They really need to give benedict better storylines, hes such a good character and theyre wasting him

Im sorry but the balloon thing was ridiculous. Pen just didnt move?? And what danger was she in, getting fairly slowly knocked over by some sandbags? The whole thing was dumb.

I do appreciate Bridgerton as a show who listens to audience feedback. They changed their whitewashed cast, theyre all about consent, they are representing different body types and disabilities - I mean its totally pandering and tokenistic but most dont even both with that so

We need more madame D (fuck if I can spell her name) - take away from any of the other minors and give me her friendship with Pen

Im all for Violet getting her garden tended to but Lady D's brother?! Those 2 need to stop keeping it in the family. Also would rather she just got laid instead of romanced but whatevs

Violent and Kate - kinda cute, kinda awkward. I like that theyre close but I reiterate Kate shouldve been around so they could build on that and V could show her the ropes. Wasted potential.

NEWTON SIGHTING. The highlight so far lbr.

[de-spawnhellspawn]

Okay, so I’m assuming that you would be wanting translated baihe. I gotta say that there just aren’t many xianxia baihe in the first place, even fewer that are translated at all (to say nothing of being complete).

I’m sorry but this got long, so TLDR:

100% recommend: The Dragon (见龙)

Thought was entertaining: Mistress I Was Wrong; What’s wrong with a snake that just wants to cultivate and transform; After the Full-Level Boss is Reborn

I love this but I can’t recommend it when it only has like 3 chapters TL tier: The Art of Taming the Dragon (降龙诀［穿书])

More detail beneath this cut:

The only (good) one I can think of at the top of my head is The Dragon (见龙). It’s pretty slow burn but well-paced with a happy ending that felt truly complete and not merely forced in. The second act is somewhat weaker and meanders a little but quite a few offhanded lines turn into great pay-offs here. It’s a tight read with a fairly compelling romance between a cold love interest that is learning how to express herself past her own self-imposed boundaries, and the MC who is a free-spirited ball of sunshine filled with the vibrancy of life. And you know what? ITS BEEN COMPLETELY TRANSLATED (NOT A MTL EDIT EITHER)

Link to the translation here: https://dragontl.net/story/the-dragon/

The same TL group is also going to be translating ‘What’s wrong with a snake that just wants to cultivate and transform’. I’ve read that one in chinese and it was a rather enjoyable read too. Soft and fluffy, though lacking in high stakes and suffering from weaker plot and character writing. (It is a transmigration story, just in case that’s a deal breaker). It never truly engaged me but it was a fine enough change of pace after reading a few tragic baihe so… keep an eye out if a more slice of life style beat is what you want.

—-

The other stuff I’ve read with English TL is… middling. Though if you just have a specific itch you want to scratch and a good few hours to waste, then why not.

‘Mistress I was wrong’ is one of those generic “Oh no I’ve transmigrated into a cannon fodder character who’s the nearest person I can seduce to save me” —sorta stories. It is exactly what it says on the tin and does what it advertises decently enough. Paced a bit slowly for my taste but a half-decent time waster. I did drop it about two/three hundred chapters in but I don’t really remember why.

‘After the Full-Level Boss is Reborn’ has a half-way original premise that was executed quite well actually. The author of the novel themselves transmigrate into the book they wrote and have to deal with the tragic fates they wrought for these characters. Characters that they increasingly care about too. It had jokes that landed solidly in the first quarter. A plot twist that—though somewhat predictable—changes a reader’s understanding of the whole plot in the middle. I haven’t read the english MTL though, so I have nothing to say on its quality. Maybe give it a few chapters if you’re interested.

—-

The Wildcard: The Art of Taming the Dragon

See I love this novel to bits and it’s genuinely one of the most well-structured and engaging baihe novels I’ve read. But at the same time, its translation barely started before it’s sputtered out.

Though it starts out as a generic (if well-executed and really funny) rendition of the ‘ah fuck I transmigrated into the MC’s sworn enemy’ trope, it becomes an unravelling mystery of both the circumstances of the Dragon Clan’s massacre AND the hidden details in the original novel. There are so many plot twists that pull the rug out from under you and shatters your heart. It’s the slow realisation of the full-scale of the tragedy originally written in the book. That it is and has already become unchangeable.

The unfolding romance between Luo Qingci and her disciple, when there’s a blood debt running deep as the seas underpinning the circumstances of their meeting. How would that be reconciled?

Its funny. Its sad. It is tragic at many turns.

It is something well-worth reading.

(Which is why I’m starting to translate it myself. Though as an amateur, that is going to take a while.)

There’s probably few more on NovelUpdates, but I haven’t read any of them personally and (in light of the general poor standards on the site) am hesitant to recommend.

(Though if MTL or it being untranslated is not a barrier then I have quite a few more that might be interesting.

Also, are there any good baihe xianxia series?? I love the gay boys but where are the gay girls?

[academiadaisies]

my struggles with studying

I don’t expect a lot of people to read this, and I’ll probably end up embarrassed to have typed this all up and posted it by tomorrow, but I think it’s important for me to get this out and away from myself.

I appreciate anyone who reads this, and welcome completely anyone who is/has been in a similar situation to me and wants to talk about it or has some tips. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about it, I definitely feel like anyone I’m close to will not be a lot of help, and I don’t want to be a mental burden, with them knowing my problem, wanting to help, but not knowing what to do, and blah blah blah... Just know, anyone is completely welcome to reach out to me. I know a lot of people say that online, but I’m just a little cancer moon, cancer rising ;). I’ve got ears and struggles too. Sometimes things are difficult. :)) <3

School has always been my demise. I was basically a corpse just going class to class, making little contribution and writing down what the powerpoint said. I would zone out - not realising at all, come back to myself and suddenly the whole class was doing work, and I would have to swallow my pride, interrupt the person next to me and ask what we were supposed to do.

But my nights were wasted too. I guess I was never really taught to study, and everything I had tried for myself never seemed to work. But I didn’t try often. I remember coming home and turning on my computer to watch the next episodes of my show of the week, my mind in a dull and empty buzz, and next thing I knew it was midnight.

Growing up there was no schedule or routine. No one was really checking I had done my homework, no one checking I was showered or that I had brushed hair. There were no rules either. No specific screen time, no food rules, no bedtime. I know why, my mum was a very hard worker, having a daughter, a job, and university, and I am so grateful for her. She was busy. But it just meant I never knew much discipline. There was no structure, but I wasn’t forgotten. There was no food in the house, but there was money, and I - having no sense of diet - would spend more than was good for me on junk; a six pack of crisps a day, frozen pizza... and today that has never ended, it’s something of an addiction now. The lack of restraint and discipline is apparent everywhere in my life.

In school is where it is at it’s absolute worst. It’s not even an issue of my intelligence. The absolute last thing I want to come across as is conceited, but I did better than I deserved my first two years of high school exams having never studied for them, except maybe a bit of rereading and desperate attempts to memorise the night before. I passed everything, bar one, and sometimes with A’s.

But last year was inarguably my worst year ever, and it has bled into this year too. My attendance was below 50%, I came in maybe two or three days a week, sometimes only finally getting the motivation to show up in the afternoon, and even then I would hide away in pupil support classes, still not doing any work. My mum phoning me and screaming down the line as soon as she got the absent text. Me not knowing how to explain that I just couldn’t physically force myself to get up and ready. I started with 5 subjects and finished with 2, both of which I initially failed, but those grades were redacted because people argued the SQA were not grading fairly, basing grades on location instead of merit, and so I scraped by with two C’s. I absolutely would not have passed if not for the pandemic.

This year is hard to tell where I would be in a normal situation. I like to believe it was going to be so much better. The idea of leaving high school and entering college*. It was a fresh start. I was supposed to get my work done the day it was handed out, I was supposed to be more extroverted, and become a leader like I always wanted. But, of course, it’s all online. I think a major benefit of it is I don’t have much excuse not to be in class anymore. I can (and usually do) wake up minutes before the class starts, and do it all from bed, so if I was left to my own devices to get myself there and back, I’d bet my attendance has skyrocketed from what I it would have been. Though, my college is quite far, and I think my mum seeing to that I was on a bus, or even not in the house when she has to leave, would have been enough to ensure I was there too. If it was in person I would have no where to hide too. I wouldn’t get to have my camera off and play games during classes and not take notes, the lecturers would see. I’d have to take notes and I don’t usually do that. I wish I had. But then that just begs the question of would it be a repeat of high school? Would I be a corpse that goes through college classes blankly instead of high school ones? I really don’t know what to think. But today my college work is suffering. I have seven vital pieces of work long overdue, and I think the weight of all of them on my brain stops me from doing even one.

*If you’re not familiar with the system here, college is basically a stage after high school but below university in Scotland, that not everybody goes to. I’m not sure the school systems everywhere in the world but it’s not the equivalent of sixth form college in England, or what’s called college in the US, which would be university here. I’m sorry if this sounds dumb because there’s probably this everywhere in the world but I just want to clarify what stage I’m at exactly. I’m taking a HNC which is kind of the equivalent of first year university.

And so it leads me to believe I have ADD/ADHD. I really am not about to self diagnose. Although it might be enough for some, I often worry I’m a bit of a paranoid person, and that I like to jump to the most “extreme” conclusions, but I don’t think my livelihood makes it totally unlikely.

I find myself devoting my time and what motivation I have to things that just don’t matter. I’ve memorised maps of the US, Europe, Scotland and Ireland. I took up interests in religion and astrology, buying crystals as if they were coming to save me like all the TikToks say. I’ve taught myself bits of piano, British Sign Language, chess, Teeline shorthand and Morse code, just to give up. I even made it to 100 days on Duolingo learning Scottish Gaelic before I stopped that too. Engrossed in wide varieties of things that I’d love to be great at, abandoning it because I’ve decided I’m bored.

But the worst waste of my time is always spent on my phone. I am a huge advocate for downtime, not every single second has to be productive. But it’s never good to have a 12 hour daily screen time average.

I can never concentrate either. I can’t force myself to. As I write this I have an essay due I’ve had for a month, and I’m going to have to do it all tomorrow. I don’t understand why I can’t physically force myself to get it done. I always think, “why am I on TikTok when I have an essay due?” And I never really have a reason. Even my driving instructor told me to get tested because, especially nearing the end of the lessons, my attention starts to waver, and I find her having to change gears for me sometimes, and warning me to stop looking at whatever might pass by.

I have a little list of priorities in my mind too. I keep reminding myself that I have this essay and this assignment to do, but I also have ideas of starting a blog or reading a book. The school work is first in the list of priorities, I know it needs to be done first and so I take it to the extreme and can’t seem to do anything meaningful at all until it’s gone. Of course, it never is gone, I never do it, and I find myself scrolling social medias all day, a perfectly anodyne time waster. No substance and no thoughts.

But I’m a perfectionist too, with very little confidence. I can tell part of me puts it off because it needs to be as good as it possibly can be, and another part tells me I’ll start it later, I’ll feel better about it later. I have big ideas, that if only I could force myself to do, would be great, but the idea of it not being good enough only puts me off. I’d not do the work until it’s at the point where the excuse is “it’s only bad because I didn’t give myself enough time to do it,” because of the fear of the possibility “it’s bad because I’m bad at it.”

Part of my inability to really do anything I think also had to do with depression. ADD/ADHD makes my life chaos. My room is a mess, there is no organisation or structure in my day, there is no motivation to fix it, no understanding of how to fix it. I’m a very intuitive person, because I have to be. Any decision I make is unknown to me until it’s happening really. I can’t plan when I’m starting work, sometimes I just have to hope I get the motivation to open my laptop. I think depression feeds off the ADD/ADHD symptoms. My room is messy because I can’t be organised, then my mindset worsens because I have such a terrible, unlivable space with no motivation to do anything about it, and it just stays that way. I can’t concentrate long enough to do work, then my mindset worsens because it means I have work overdue, that will have bad consequences, people disappointed in me, and etc, etc. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m articulating myself well here. I’m intuitive in decisions but I’m also an overthinker. Or maybe just more of a worrier. I don’t do the work and so, every time my phone pings I jump and check cautiously because I fear it’s my lecturer messaging me that I’m off the course. The depression really took a terrible toll on my life. I won’t get too into it but I can hardly talk to friends, find the motivation to shower, or even go outside. All I find myself doing is lying in bed staring at a screen. I don’t know what else I can really do about it.

And the worst part is, in my mind, I have myself convinced that it’s not even that bad. That it’ll be okay tomorrow, I’ll change tomorrow, as if I’m not long past the point of this just being a little off day.

But one thing I do I know is a symptom of ADD/ADHD, which consumes my whole mind, is my hyperfixation. I won’t go too deep but basically for just over a year it’s been an honestly unsubstantial book I read. Loved by many, but nothing special, in comparison. I’ve only read it maybe twice all the way through but it never leaves my mind. I relish in any and all fan works, stalking the ao3 works, refreshing the tumblr tag. I can just stand and jump and pace, while listening to one song on repeat, thinking about the characters in all kinds of scenarios for hours on end. I can imagine the main character as me in everything I do; as I pick up a book from my bookshelf, as I walk my dog, as I lay down at night. I constantly compare myself to him too, feeling bad that I’m not as similar or good. I hate it. I don’t know if I even like the book anymore, I don’t think it’s possible to tell, I’m just obsessed with it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it really. The NHS don’t diagnose ADHD in adults, and I’m only 18. I’ve been this way my whole life but no one ever paid much attention to it. When I told my mum I think I have depression, she laughed at me, then got really angry, saying I’m not depressed just lazy, before buying me flowers and telling me she was worried I was going to hurt myself. Now I feel like I can’t speak about anything serious like this rationally because she looks for every reason that there is no problem, and if there is it’s the worst possible case, and “oh I’ve been a terrible mum.”

I don’t understand my problem. I have big dreams and goals for my life, I know what I am doing now will never get me anywhere but still that knowledge is not enough to get me to do what I need to. I’ve even written this post over eight days, for all the distractions and lack of motivation I’ve had to finish it. It’s a never ending cycle, but I really hope having this out there now will spark something in me. I’m sure this will make someone feel better about their situation now too, and that’s totally okay! If it can help someone, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m sorry I probably brought up a lot of completely irrelevant stuff, and went into tangents at times, but I just wanted to stress how it all plays into each other. They’re all connected, which brings a lack of motivation and discipline to my life and my work. I just want to let it all go.

Again, I really don’t think many people will read this but anyone is completely welcome to message. If anyone has some tips for people who can just never concentrate, or also anyone who is in social sciencey type courses (psychology, sociology, politics esp) and has some tips for doing that too I’d be so grateful. :) <3 (also this is a repost because I tried posting last night but it wouldn’t go to the tag, hope it works this time)

[lovingonrepeat]

life's been treating me fairly well tbh, i had online classes and i went to work, my girlfriend came over and he came over as well so that was really nice. i did see my 'mother' so that wasn't very fun lol.

ALSO I WANT A FISH

i want to buy lil fishie but i don't think ill have the time for it :(

-your fish wanting dining table

Ooh I hope online classes aren’t too harsh! I personally did all of high school online (sort of by choice but not really), so it’s been interesting to see everyone’s takes on how homeschool and online school is going for them during the pandemic. But I know it’s been really hard for a lot of people to get into the right mindset to do it, so I hope it’s not too terribly hard for you. 

Also, I don’t know the deal with your “mother”, and I don’t want to intrude so you don’t have to tell me, but I hope you’re okay after whatever happened that wasn’t very fun. Sending lots of love and peace your way. 

AND OMG DO IT GET A FISH! I’ve had fish literally since i was a kid, and the most important thing with time is really just to be able to feed them. So it’s not that big of a time investment as long as you’ll have 30 seconds to feed it. There is water testing and tank cleanings and stuff like that, but those things aren’t things that need to be done every day, so even that isn’t too big of a time waster and you can schedule that into whatever you need to do when you know it’s coming up. What type of fish are you looking at? Freshwater or saltwater?

[riseofarmy]

03 | DO YOU EVER LOOK AT SOMEONE AND WONDER

i can do this all day 03 | do you ever look at someone and wonder

author : @riseofarmy

pairing : kim seokjin x original character

words : 2533

i can do this all day masterlist

previous chapter

SEOKJIN

How isn't she tired yet?

I'm tired, and I've only been floating behind her for the last three-ish hours. When she first noticed that I was laying on air, her dumb cat hissed at me, but she just widened her eyes for a second before ignoring me.

Maybe she's just been desensitised by all the stuff she got sprung with today.... which is strange because people usually come looking for the lamp knowing there's a djinn inside. Then again, it's been a while since I've been awaked this far in the past, and it's further in the future that people know about the 'genie' myth.

I know that my first few masters summoned me one after another, but somewhere along the line, I started serving people from all different times. That stunning suit I had on before was made for one of the most popular boy groups of the 21st century, but I hadn't considered that I would be so far back in time that it would be ridiculed.

I still can't believe that: my master tried to kill me, then barely two minutes later made fun of my sexy jacket and oh my god, I don't even know her name.

"Oh my god, I don't even know your name." The little terror on her shoulder stares at me with its dumb, beady eyes.

"Darling." She didn't even turn to me when she answered.

"What?"

"My name. It's Darling. Darling Surya".

Darling. I size her up, running my gaze over her. Her face was a little plain, but it looked downright fierce with her buzz-cut and wicked jawline. Paired with her long jacket and the general get-out-of-my-way vibe she gives off, she doesn't seem like a Darling at all.

"Darling? Is it weird when some random person calls you darling without realising it's your name?"

"I had been using the name Surya while I pretended to be a man, so I've never had to experience that." Wow, plot twists be like.

"Why did you pretend to be a man?"

"Because all women are good for is marriage, and I needed a job to save up money so I could come here."

Yikes, alright then. I have a feeling she's always this intense.

She has my interest piqued though, and I keep asking her questions. She's blunt at first, obviously preoccupied by something else, but eventually she relaxes enough to give me more detailed answers. I even suck up my dislike to her dumb cat and float beside her instead of behind, and she doesn't seem to mind.

I learn that her father is from Daehan-Minguk and her mother from Paaratham (modern-day South Korea and India respectively, which explains her darker skin) and that she was a heavy labourer for two years to save up money to move from Paaratham to Daehan-Minguk.

She explains that the king is an asshole - making downright treasonous comments about him throughout - and that we were currently going to his son's birthday ball.

She doesn't tell me why we're going, though, because supposedly she's 'still sorting it out', but it must be something serious since she dances around the question with a tight expression until I ask her about her cat.

It's a little strange to just talk like this.

I always make sure to learn about each of my masters so I can serve them better. Darling, though... she one of the few who I can say don't feel like a master. Most of the others went straight to telling me everything they would do with the money they were going to wish for themselves, or the apparently tragic stories that made them so deserving of the power they wanted.

Darling, just talked about her parents and Yoongi a lot, and even asked me questions about being a djinn.

She was baffled when I told her I've served people from different times, mouth dropping and fingers tightening on the lamp which she still held in her hand, and she wanted to know what the world is like in the future. When I told her about phones, though, she decided I was making it up and asked something else.

Still, it felt nice to talk to Darling. Nice enough that another hour and a half passed without me noticing, and soon enough, dusk had fallen and we were approaching the nearest town.

"I know an inn nearby, but I'm not sure how people would react if they saw someone in the air. I think you should stop floating for a bit." Darling looks pointedly at me until I set my feet on the ground with a huff.

"Silly humans and your non-floating ways. Do you realise how much of a time-waster walking is?"

"My bad, Seokjin. I'll make sure that next time I'm born as a genie." My lips curl into a grin of their own accord at her response, and I see her own do the same out of the corner of my eye.

The streets of the town are busy, but Darling navigates them fairly easily. It becomes more and more apparent, though, that there is currently something going on - people are bustling around busily, and Darling looks increasingly worried until we finally end up in front of an inn.

Inside, I immediately understand why Darling looked troubled - the inn is almost overflowing with people. Darling runs a hand over her buzz-cut and pushes the lamp deep into her pocket, then tells me to wait in the corner while she talks to the innkeeper. I try to follow her anyway, but she gives me a wicked glare and leaves her cat next to me so I stay put.

"What are you looking at?" The cat doesn't even blink, just lays down next to my feet. It doesn't seem to mind when I crouch closer to it, so I give its fur an experimental poke.

It opens its eyes lazily, slowly flicking its tail in my direction until I give it another poke, soft this time. Dumb cat. I could make you disappear from existence right now and you wouldn't even realise. As if sensing my thoughts, the cat bats at my hand, but then lets me pat it again.

"Yoongi likes you." Darling, who appeared without me even realising, looks down with sickeningly love-filled eyes at the cat.

"He what now?"

"Yoongi. He doesn't like anyone touching him except me, but he seems to be okay with you."

"Oh. Well, that's too bad for him because I hate cats."

"If you say so." She raises her eyebrows as if she doesn't believe me, but before I can reaffirm that no, really, I hate cats, she jerks her head to the stairs that I think lead to the rooms. "It's good we came here first, because the other inn is already full. There's a festival in Mansae the day before the ball, so people are staying here on their way to it and there's only one room left here. You okay with that?"

"I live in a lamp, Darling, I'm sure I can manage." She gives me a small smile and hikes her rucksack up before picking up her cat.

The innkeeper comes to us with a very capitalist smile and leads us to our room. He doesn't shut up, somehow managing to fit his life story, three comments about how 'we're never been this busy' and even an offer for me to marry his daughter in the two minutes he has our attention.

Darling just rolls her eyes when we're finally shown our room, and I remember her words from before - 'all women are good for is marriage'. I wonder if the innkeeper's daughter knew she was basically being given away by her own dad.

"Seokjin!" I pop my head into the room, which Darling had already unlocked and was going through. It was just big enough for a bed, a small table with a chair, and a tub behind a bamboo screen to bathe in.

"Yeah?"

"We have to get to the palace by tomorrow afternoon, so we're leaving early." She grabs a pillow from the bed to fluff it before throwing it back down. "You sleep here, I'll take the chair."

I think the sight of me floating has completely disappeared from her brain. "Darling. Sweetheart. You are a human, and need sleep. I am a genie, and have my lamp and don't need to sleep. Take the bed."

Darling's hand had been hovering protectively over her pocket, but now she pulls the lamp out of it and glances up at me.

"Oh. I guess that makes sense. I thought you wouldn't be too thrilled at the idea of going back into your lamp so soon. Plus, I wasn't planning on sleeping."

That makes me pause, and I consider her predicament for a moment. Darling - visibly tired, stressed out and her mind obviously occupied by something that she's been turning over for who-knows-how-long, yet here she is offering me a bed. Me. A literal genie with my whole-ass magic thing going on. Because she thinks I would be sick of being in my perpetual home one more night. Cute.

Then I notice how tight her grip on the lamp is, and that's when something clicks in my brain.

Hah. I wonder if she realises how easy it is to read her.

"Interesting, Darling, but may I offer a proposition? You sleep on the bed, your dumb cat can do whatever, and I'll do my floating business. Win-win-win, am I right? Also, c'mere."

She widens her eyes warily when I hold my hand out for the lamp, but passes it over with some hesitancy.

"What are you doing?"

"Trust me, Darling."

I watch her expression morph from confusion to distress as I melt the golden lamp into a chain-link necklace. Taking a step closer to her, I reach across the space between us to loop the chain around her neck and seal the ends together so there isn't an opening to the necklace. The purple gem thing - even after all this time, I don't know what it is - rests just below her collarbone, glinting in the dim light from the candle we were given.

"There you go! Now you can sleep without having to worry about losing it! Wow! You can thank me now!" I smile at her, but she doesn't notice. She fiddles with the necklace experimentally, a frown bringing her eyebrows together.

"What if someone pulls it off?" How Darling of her, always going around ruining the mood with her silly questions.

"Nopsies, the only ones who can even touch it are you and me. And your stupid cat. And I'm the only one who can take it off you or change its shape, so hurry up and thank me you ungrateful shit." I smile wider, tilting my head in expectation, and the tiniest hint of a grin graces her lips.

"Thank you, Seokjin."

"You are absolutely welcome, Darling dear. Now sleep." Before she can say anything else, I push her onto the bed and tap her forehead. She doesn't even have a chance to look surprised before she's unconscious, fast asleep as the purple remnants of my magic curl around her head.

I pull a blanket over her and poke my tongue out at her dumb cat when it jumps up to sleep next to her. It ignores me.

Oh well.

"Look, Mansae will be in front of us in a second. We'll be able to see the sea too."

Darling draws my attention to the view ahead of me, where we're about to break through the forest's treeline.

She woke up at fuck-all o'clock to find me playing on my Nintendo, and barely ten minutes later we were out of the town and on our way to the palace. We avoided the main road until now by picking our way through the mountain, but we were close enough to the capital, Mansae that we couldn't avoid it any longer.

With one last turn, the palace is laid bare in front of us.

The main road snakes to the palace and the houses and markets that surround it, which were in turn set within a wide valley circled by the Mansae mountain range. Through the space between two of the mountains, we could see the faint glimmer of the ocean far away. The palace itself was a spread of white towers spearing the sky, the path leading to it choked with people weaving between markets.

We join the crush of people heading to the palace for Jungkook's birthday-and-wife-picking-ceremony and are instantly shoulder-to-shoulder with sweaty strangers. Darling's elbow digs into my side as we walk, but she's too focused on babying her dumb cat to realise. I bear with it until we reach the markets, but I can't stand it anymore.

"Darling your elbow has been jackhammering a hole into my ribs for an hour."

She practically rips her gaze away from her cat to look up at me. "Seokjin, I can promise you that you are not the only one in this crush of people with an elbow in your ribs. Still, sorry about that, I wish there wasn't so much of a crowd."

"Ohoho, is that your first wish?" I waggle my eyebrows at her jokingly, but she doesn't realise I'm only kidding.

"No! No, that is not a wish!" She seems to be visibly panicking, a flush climbing her throat as she splutters in her attempt to make sure her wish isn't used. Cute.

"Okay okay, that's not your wish, I get it. But uhh, now that we're on the topic... What is your first wish?"

"I'll tell you when it comes to it." Ah yes, Darling - putting up brick walls faster than you can ask her questions. This time, though, that's not an option.

"Nopesies, you have to tell me. Come on bestie."

"I will. If I need to. Do I really need to? Can't I just say it when I need it to happen?"

Some times, it's a real bother being the only smart person on a whole planet of dummies. But that's okay - I suck back my exasperation and hide it behind a tight smile.

"Okay. Look. Here's the deal, Darling. It's obvious to me by now that you are not going to wish for money or power or whatever else my masters usually want. If, when you make your wish, it isn't precise enough or it's something I can't grant, I will not know what to give you and that's a wish wasted. I need you to explain this big idea of your's, or else I literally cannot do my job properly, so please tell me: what is going on inside your head?"

The flush on her neck spreads to her face as she mutters something without meeting my eye, but I miss it because she says it so quietly.

"What was that?"

Squaring her shoulders, Darling turns and holds my gaze straight on. There's some emotion tightening her face that I can't fully decipher, something between agitation and determination

"I need you to make the prince fall in love with me."

i can do this all day masterlist

next chapter

[loveloveloveeeeeee]

my struggles with studying

I don’t expect a lot of people to read this, and I’ll probably end up embarrassed to have typed this all up and posted it by tomorrow, but I think it’s important for me to get this out and away from myself.

I appreciate anyone who reads this, and welcome completely anyone who is/has been in a similar situation to me and wants to talk about it or has some tips. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about it, I definitely feel like anyone I’m close to will not be a lot of help, and I don’t want to be a mental burden, with them knowing my problem, wanting to help, but not knowing what to do, and blah blah blah... Just know, anyone is completely welcome to reach out to me. I know a lot of people say that online, but I’m just a little cancer moon, cancer rising ;). I’ve got ears and struggles too. Sometimes things are difficult. :)) <3

School has always been my demise. I was basically a corpse just going class to class, making little contribution and writing down what the powerpoint said. I would zone out - not realising at all, come back to myself and suddenly the whole class was doing work, and I would have to swallow my pride, interrupt the person next to me and ask what we were supposed to do.

But my nights were wasted too. I guess I was never really taught to study, and everything I had tried for myself never seemed to work. But I didn’t try often. I remember coming home and turning on my computer to watch the next episodes of my show of the week, my mind in a dull and empty buzz, and next thing I knew it was midnight.

Growing up there was no schedule or routine. No one was really checking I had done my homework, no one checking I was showered or that I had brushed hair. There were no rules either. No specific screen time, no food rules, no bedtime. I know why, my mum was a very hard worker, having a daughter, a job, and university, and I am so grateful for her. She was busy. But it just meant I never knew much discipline. There was no structure, but I wasn’t forgotten. There was no food in the house, but there was money, and I - having no sense of diet - would spend more than was good for me on junk; a six pack of crisps a day, frozen pizza... and today that has never ended, it’s something of an addiction now. The lack of restraint and discipline is apparent everywhere in my life.

In school is where it is at it’s absolute worst. It’s not even an issue of my intelligence. The absolute last thing I want to come across as is conceited, but I did better than I deserved my first two years of high school exams having never studied for them, except maybe a bit of rereading and desperate attempts to memorise the night before. I passed everything, bar one, and sometimes with A’s.

But last year was inarguably my worst year ever, and it has bled into this year too. My attendance was below 50%, I came in maybe two or three days a week, sometimes only finally getting the motivation to show up in the afternoon, and even then I would hide away in pupil support classes, still not doing any work. My mum phoning me and screaming down the line as soon as she got the absent text. Me not knowing how to explain that I just couldn’t physically force myself to get up and ready. I started with 5 subjects and finished with 2, both of which I initially failed, but those grades were redacted because people argued the SQA were not grading fairly, basing grades on location instead of merit, and so I scraped by with two C’s. I absolutely would not have passed if not for the pandemic.

This year is hard to tell where I would be in a normal situation. I like to believe it was going to be so much better. The idea of leaving high school and entering college*. It was a fresh start. I was supposed to get my work done the day it was handed out, I was supposed to be more extroverted, and become a leader like I always wanted. But, of course, it’s all online. I think a major benefit of it is I don’t have much excuse not to be in class anymore. I can (and usually do) wake up minutes before the class starts, and do it all from bed, so if I was left to my own devices to get myself there and back, I’d bet my attendance has skyrocketed from what I it would have been. Though, my college is quite far, and I think my mum seeing to that I was on a bus, or even not in the house when she has to leave, would have been enough to ensure I was there too. If it was in person I would have no where to hide too. I wouldn’t get to have my camera off and play games during classes and not take notes, the lecturers would see. I’d have to take notes and I don’t usually do that. I wish I had. But then that just begs the question of would it be a repeat of high school? Would I be a corpse that goes through college classes blankly instead of high school ones? I really don’t know what to think. But today my college work is suffering. I have seven vital pieces of work long overdue, and I think the weight of all of them on my brain stops me from doing even one.

*If you’re not familiar with the system here, college is basically a stage after high school but below university in Scotland, that not everybody goes to. I’m not sure the school systems everywhere in the world but it’s not the equivalent of sixth form college in England, or what’s called college in the US, which would be university here. I’m sorry if this sounds dumb because there’s probably this everywhere in the world but I just want to clarify what stage I’m at exactly. I’m taking a HNC which is kind of the equivalent of first year university.

And so it leads me to believe I have ADD/ADHD. I really am not about to self diagnose. Although it might be enough for some, I often worry I’m a bit of a paranoid person, and that I like to jump to the most “extreme” conclusions, but I don’t think my livelihood makes it totally unlikely.

I find myself devoting my time and what motivation I have to things that just don’t matter. I’ve memorised maps of the US, Europe, Scotland and Ireland. I took up interests in religion and astrology, buying crystals as if they were coming to save me like all the TikToks say. I’ve taught myself bits of piano, British Sign Language, chess, Teeline shorthand and Morse code, just to give up. I even made it to 100 days on Duolingo learning Scottish Gaelic before I stopped that too. Engrossed in wide varities of things that I’d love to be great at, abandoning it because I’ve decided I’m bored.

But the worst waste of my time is always spent on my phone. I am a huge advocate for downtime, not every single second has to be productive. But it’s never good to have a 12 hour daily screen time average.

I can never concentrate either. I can’t force myself to. As I write this I have an essay due I’ve had for a month, and I’m going to have to do it all tomorrow. I don’t understand why I can’t physically force myself to get it done. I always think, “why am I on TikTok when I have an essay due?” And I never really have a reason. Even my driving instructor told me to get tested because, especially nearing the end of the lessons, my attention starts to waver, and I find her having to change gears for me sometimes, and warning me to stop looking at whatever might pass by.

I have a little list of priorities in my mind too. I keep reminding myself that I have this essay and this assignment to do, but I also have ideas of starting a blog or reading a book. The school work is first in the list of priorities, I know it needs to be done first and so I take it to the extreme and can’t seem to do anything meaningful at all until it’s gone. Of course, it never is gone, I never do it, and I find myself scrolling social medias all day, a perfectly anodyne time waster. No substance and no thoughts.

But I’m a perfectionist too, with very little confidence. I can tell part of me puts it off because it needs to be as good as it possibly can be, and another part tells me I’ll start it later, I’ll feel better about it later. I have big ideas, that if only I could force myself to do, would be great, but the idea of it not being good enough only puts me off. I’d not do the work until it’s at the point where the excuse is “it’s only bad because I didn’t give myself enough time to do it,” because of the fear of the possibility “it’s bad because I’m bad at it.”

Part of my inability to really do anything I think also had to do with depression. ADD/ADHD makes my life chaos. My room is a mess, there is no organisation or structure in my day, there is no motivation to fix it, no understanding of how to fix it. I’m a very intuitive person, because I have to be. Any decision I make is unknown to me until it’s happening really. I can’t plan when I’m starting work, sometimes I just have to hope I get the motivation to open my laptop. I think depression feeds off the ADD/ADHD symptoms. My room is messy because I can’t be organised, then my mindset worsens because I have such a terrible, unlivable space with no motivation to do anything about it, and it just stays that way. I can’t concentrate long enough to do work, then my mindset worsens because it means I have work overdue, that will have bad consequences, people disappointed in me, and etc, etc. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m articulating myself well here. I’m intuitive in decisions but I’m also an overthinker. Or maybe just more of a worrier. I don’t do the work and so, every time my phone pings I jump and check cautiously because I fear it’s my lecturer messaging me that I’m off the course. The depression really took a terrible toll on my life. I won’t get too into it but I can hardly talk to friends, find the motivation to shower, or even go outside. All I find myself doing is lying in bed staring at a screen. I don’t know what else I can really do about it.

And the worst part is, in my mind, I have myself convinced that it’s not even that bad. That it’ll be okay tomorrow, I’ll change tomorrow, as if I’m not long past the point of this just being a little off day.

But one thing I do I know is a symptom of ADD/ADHD, which consumes my whole mind, is my hyperfixation. I won’t go too deep but basically for just over a year it’s been an honestly unsubstantial book I read. Loved by many, but nothing special, in comparison. I’ve only read it maybe twice all the way through but it never leaves my mind. I relish in any and all fan works, stalking the ao3 works, refreshing the tumblr tag. I can just stand and jump and pace, while listening to one song on repeat, thinking about the characters in all kinds of scenarios for hours on end. I can imagine the main character as me in everything I do; as I pick up a book from my bookshelf, as I walk my dog, as I lay down at night. I constantly compare myself to him too, feeling bad that I’m not as similar or good. I hate it. I don’t know if I even like the book anymore, I don’t think it’s possible to tell, I’m just obsessed with it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it really. The NHS don’t diagnose ADHD in adults, and I’m only 18. I’ve been this way my whole life but no one ever paid much attention to it. When I told my mum I think I have depression, she laughed at me, then got really angry, saying I’m not depressed just lazy, before buying me flowers and telling me she was worried I was going to hurt myself. Now I feel like I can’t speak about anything serious like this rationally because she looks for every reason that there is no problem, and if there is it’s the worst possible case, and “oh I’ve been a terrible mum.”

I don’t understand my problem. I have big dreams and goals for my life, I know what I am doing now will never get me anywhere but still that knowledge is not enough to get me to do what I need to. I’ve even written this post over eight days, for all the distractions and lack of motivation I’ve had to finish it. It’s a never ending cycle, but I really hope having this out there now will spark something in me. I’m sure this will make someone feel better about their situation now too, and that’s totally okay! If it can help someone, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m sorry I probably brought up a lot of completely irrelevant stuff, and went into tangents at times, but I just wanted to stress how it all plays into each other. They’re all connected, which brings a lack of motivation and discipline to my life and my work. I just want to let it all go.

Again, I really don’t think many people will read this but anyone is completely welcome to message. If anyone has some tips for people who can just never concentrate, or also anyone who is in social sciencey type courses (psychology, sociology, politics esp) and has some tips for doing that too I’d be so grateful. :) <3

[deanwinchesterisadorable]

The people above are engaging in the thought experiment, and considering the burden of action versus inaction. They're just looking at the problem more critically, and viewing it in a more complex light.

It's not meant to reflect a real life scenario. It's a metaphor. But a metaphor of what? The Big Problems of the world, like war. Or the pestilence we're currently living through. It's essentially asking does the ends justify the means, and is it okay to sacrifice one or a few lives for the sake of many.

What people object to with the trolley problem, is that IN REAL LIFE these problems don't just show up out of the blue with no cause or warning. Who is going around tying people to trolley tracks? Why are they doing it? Why did nobody stop them? How did the trolley get here without any kind of warning that this was happening? How did the trolley get here without brakes? Big Problems don't just happen. Homelessness during a pandemic didn't just happen now without warning. The working poor having no financial security to fall back on in a crisis isn't just a now problem. Pandemics being a thing that happen occasionally isn't something we're just now learning about. The environment didn't just get to this critical point today without decades upon decades of warnings of where we're headed. The economy didn't become more important to the 1% than people's real actual lives, today.

These problems have been creeping up on us for years. They've always been here, and many of them have been getting steadily worse. There have been many warnings, for a long time. Many places in the chain of events where actions could have been taken to prevent catastrophes before they take place. Many people complicit in the inaction.

The trolley problem oversimplifies the situation. It makes life and death into a numbers game. People are not numbers. What if the six people are heartless billionaires who caused death and suffering with their indifference and their greed, and the one person is an innocent child? Is it still a numbers game? Do we still pull the lever? What if the six people are murderers and the one person is a nurse? What if the people we sacrifice are the disabled and the elderly, and the black and brown and working poor, and pulling the lever will save the economy?

It's not a numbers game. It's not that simple. It's a why the fuck did nobody install brakes on this trolley/ stop this trolley with no brakes being installed/ stop this guy from driving a trolley with no brakes/ stop this other guy from tying people to train tracks Problem. It's a why didn't I start untying these people from the track as soon as I saw them instead of wasting time thinking about this false moral dilemma until it was too late to do anything but pull a lever Problem. It's a why hasn't our government bothered to do anything to prepare for a pandemic/ why hasn't our government done anything to truly help the homeless and poor and disadvantaged before now/ why hasn't our government done anything to hold employers accountable for paying their workers fairly/ why hasn't our government done anything about climate change/ why do we keep voting for these useless time wasters anyway Problem.

Hey so the trolley problem is dumb because the real person at fault for any of the deaths is the person who designed the trolley without an emergency braking system, the people who put in the purchase order for a trolley without an emergency braking system, the people who approved a PO for a trolley without an emergency braking system, the people who delivered a trolley without an emergency braking system, the organization that inspected and certified a trolley without an emergency braking system,and the operator who did not make a huge stink about being assigned to a trolley without an emergency braking system.

Whether you pull the lever is irrelevant, because a whoooole mess of people fucked up for you to be in that hypothetical situation.

Seriously, like, as a professional engineer, I find the premise of the trolley problem offensive. Cause like, so many safety regulations have been violated that it's just... insane.

[concussed-to-pieces]

Best I Have

Fandom: WWE

Pairing: Dean Ambrose/Roman Reigns

Rating: Holy shit M.

AN: Another AU, for the Thirsty Crew! Tagging @toxiicpop, @oraclegazes  and OF COURSE @hardcorewwetrash! Enjoy!

“Mr. Ambrose!”

Dean grunted, a bit startled and pausing at the sound of his name. “Yeah?”

The man who had spoken looked familiar, but Dean couldn’t place him. More shit rattled free up top, I guess. On the older side, round face. He seemed good-natured enough. Dean shook his hand, still trying to figure out who this guy was. “Sika Reigns.” The man prompted after a minute or two of Dean studying him.

“Oh!” Dean felt like an idiot. “I’m sorry sir, I’m used to all the--” He gestured around his head, indicating where Sika’s thick black hair once was.

Sika chuckled ruefully. “You and me both, kid. Listen, my hairline isn’t important. I heard you’re planning on facing Brock soon, and that a few of the legends have given you their blessing.” Sika cleared his throat. “Maybe a few implements, as well.”

Oh. “Listen, if you’re here from Heyman, I ain't interested in his terms and I told him that from the get-go.” Dean bristled, but the older man was already shaking his head.

“Hell no, calm down. I’d like to offer you my son.”

“You…what? Your…okay, I’m a little confused here man.” Dean stammered. I didn’t think dads still tried to pawn their kids off like this. “I mean, Funk gave me a chainsaw and Foley gave me Barbie. Those are weapons. No offense, but what am I supposed to do with your son? Who even is…does he work in the indies or something?”

“Roman?” Mr. Reigns called.

Dean heard footsteps behind him and he immediately turned around, fists raised. Oh. Oh. Roman wasn’t as tall as him but he was broader. Dean thought momentarily that he had short, slicked-back hair, but upon further inspection he realized Roman’s hair was pulled back into a bun. The tight smile that he was given contrasted sharply with the intimidating black gear the other man was wearing. Is that a cattle prod?!

“We’ve already spoken about your…situation, and we believe this is an excellent strategy. He’s an unknown factor, he’s strong, capable and, most importantly, he’s the best weapon I can offer you.” Sika sounded proud enough to burst. It made Dean almost queasy with jealousy. “Terry and Mick mean well, they always have. But I’m fairly confident Lesnar will have ample warnings of your little red wagon.”

“And where the hell am I supposed to stash him?” Dean asked, still reeling from the whole interaction. “He’s a little bigger than a chainsaw, man!”

“Underneath the ring, of course.” Sika shrugged. “Where else?”

Where else? Dean had to agree with that, this guy was obviously going to stick out a bit in any crowd. Underneath the ring. “And what is your input on this…this weird ass plan?” Dean demanded of Roman, already tired of the ‘strong silent’ routine.

Roman inclined his head. “I’m here to help.”

…

Seth had been softer when they’d started out. A little brother, to be protected until he proved himself. Dean still regretted all the times he’d defended Seth. He should have let him take the hits, should have let him suffer a little more. Maybe then he wouldn’t have turned on Dean. Maybe then he would have understood how much Dean did for him.

Dean had been alone for the first time in years that night, laying in the middle of the ring after being handed his ass on a silver platter by Rollins and his new lackeys. Ambrose's vest and body were torn to pieces, the metaphor not lost on him in the slightest while he spit up blood in the locker room shower with Seth’s voice yelling “crazy!” on repeat in his aching head.

Their dynamic duo went up in flames, the Shield no more. They fought like rabid animals every opportunity they got, putting each other into the hospital on a monthly basis. It felt almost wrong to be focusing his energy on someone else, but with Rollins out injured for a while, Ambrose needed new ways to try and hang on to his limited sanity.

So he’d picked a fight with Brock Lesnar. Not his smartest move to date. Yet for some reason a lot of folks had gotten behind him. He guessed everyone must be tired of that lazy asshole storming around like he owned the place. He still hadn’t expected a chainsaw from Terry, though. That was unanticipated (and definitely illegal, love you anyway you crazy old bastard).

This arrangement with Roman smacked of weirdness though, and if there was one thing Dean was all over it was weirdness. Roman kept to himself during their training sessions, didn’t push his boundaries and didn’t say much. He was…bland. Almost to a fault.

They had to at least be able to work together. Dean knew that, kept reminding himself of that. Also kept reminding himself that Roman wasn’t Rollins. Sometimes he caught himself just before calling Roman Seth, just before dropping an inside joke or punching his shoulder like he had with Seth. This guy wasn’t here to be his friend.

Neither was Rollins.

Seth and Roman were like night and day. Rollins was excitable, easily flustered and distracted. Roman was…well steady was really the only word Dean could think of. Roman would wait, and wait, and wait. There didn’t seem to be an impatient bone in his body. Most of Dean’s training regiment was repetition, running the same pattern on the mats and pads until he could do it in his sleep. So having Roman around to bounce off of certainly made his training a hell of a lot easier.

Another thing Dean kept having a problem with was that this guy was here to help with one fight. Roman was just an implement, a means to an end. It was weird that he was taking such an active role here, and his dad gifting him essentially as a big, blunt object was still…it sat funny with Dean.

He’s the best weapon I can offer you.

Ambrose shook himself all over, squaring up yet again.

“Can I ask you something?” Roman began, lowering the pads a fraction. Dean nodded in reply. “Why Lesnar?” The larger man questioned.

Dean froze up for a second. A long second. “Because I’m a fuckin’ idiot.”

“Oh.” Roman got into position and Dean assumed that was the end of the questions, raising his fists. “I don’t understand how that makes you an idiot.”

Ambrose sighed heavily. “Look, I appreciate the vote of confidence. But the fact of the matter is that this is a fight I’m probably not winnin’. It’s a time-waster, you and I both know that.”

“Why bother doing it then?”

Because I need to do something. “Boredom, I guess.” Dean shrugged, doing his best to seem flippant. Because it’s either fight someone or tap my fingers against my knees until I wear holes in them. Because it’s either get my ass kicked or sit around thinking. Because I’m tired, so damn tired of everything and if I start focusing on that... “Needed something to do while Rollins heals his knee.” And oh no, oh no, that was the wrong thing to say.

Roman seemed confused, letting him get in a few hits before opening his mouth again. “Seth Rollins? He’s the guy that you tagged with, right? The Shield?”

Dean crouched, scowling. “We've been trading asswhuppings. Kane fucked up his knee though, so I have to be patient. I’m not gonna’ break into a hospital while he’s rehabbing. I’m not an animal.”

“Didn’t he put your head through-”

“I’m not stooping to his level.” Dean snarled. “I fight in the ring or not at all.”

“Does it bug you that people call you the crazy one?” Roman queried, his brow furrowed. “I mean I haven’t really been following your feud, I rely on Dad to keep me up to date for the most part. But…the cinderblocks?”

“I’ve had worse man, much worse.” Dean itched absently at his neck. “Rollins knows that. S’why he did it. Wants to see how far he can push me, I guess.”

“What the fuck.” Roman breathed.

“Dude I’ve gotten my face pulped on cinderblocks that didn’t break. Trust me, the ones that break are preferable.” Dean found morbid amusement in spouting advice that no normal person would ever need. “Rollins has always been a button pusher. S’what he does. Unfortunately for him, though, I’ve learned a few things along the way.”

Roman cocked his head curiously, like he was actually interested. Like he wanted Dean to keep talking. Dean just grinned at him, tapping the pads.

“Up, c’mon. This ain’t chat time, Reigns.”

“Oh! Sorry.” Roman straightened the pads back out, looking a little disappointed.

“Maybe another time, huh?” Dean suggested grudgingly after a few minutes had gone by. “Some other time. After we kill Brock.”

“Yeah.” Roman’s smile didn’t reach his eyes, which made Dean very curious.

“Man I know I shouldn’t, but I gotta’ ask. Why the heck did your dad like…drop you into my lap?” Dean didn’t expect the way Roman flinched and he almost snapped Reigns’ wrist off with his next swing. “Shit, sorry. My bad.”

“No no, it’s fine. I…it’s a tough question to answer.” Roman said quietly. “Brock and Paul said some things about my family that they could have kept to themselves, to make a long story short.”

“Goddamn, those cocksuckers.” Dean snarled. “That’s as good a reason as any to get involved with him, I don’t blame you. Shit, I wish I had a reason for tangling with his ass. Your family is a legendary one in this business, what the fuck could they have to say about you guys?”

“More than enough, that’s what.” Roman’s face hardened. “So here I am, greenhorn through and through. But the only one who could step up to the plate.”

“Dude this is some Highlander shit, wow.” The sense of awe Dean felt was almost overwhelming. “Can I…I mean, this is gonna’ sound real weird but could I like. Teach you a few things?” He asked hesitantly. “I know you’re going to be there and it’s going to be hilarious to see the look on that pink bastard’s face when you show up, but can I maybe…I dunno’, work with you or somethin’? It would just be cool to actually have a reason to fight Brock.” Instead of me doing it because I can’t handle doing nothing.

“Defending my heritage and the honor of my family isn’t something cool, Ambrose.” Roman seemed irritated. “This is a serious issue. People think they can say offensive shit because my dad isn’t actively in the business anymore, or because my cousins do their haka, things like that. It’s not as if anything has changed when it comes to Lesnar, we’ve all seen the footage of him from the Guerrero matches.” Roman’s fists tightened around the pad straps.

“Shit, I didn’t mean…I’m sorry man, I’m bad at talking sometimes. I meant like. Not cool.” Dean struggled to explain his thought process. “Just more than what I have right now. I’ve got no family to defend, no lineage or anythin’. I’m just a scrappy, mouthy shit. But you’ve seen me fight. Think about it man, that’s just how I tangle when I have a petty fuckin’ grudge. I’ve never...crap, I’m doing this all wrong.” Dean grunted, tugging at a handful of his light-colored hair in frustration. He tried to collect himself while Roman just stood there, waiting. “Look, I’m not trying to be offensive. Ain’t my intention an’ I’m incredibly sorry if I’m comin’ off that way. I’m…I know your dad offered you to me as an assist that Brock won’t see coming. But this fight I picked is totally pointless. There’s no angle to it at all, it’s literally just ‘Crazy Guy Wastes Time And Gets Paid To Do It’.”

“You can’t be that hard up for money, man. I refuse to believe that. You’re one of the top guys in this company.” Roman pointed out.

Dean chuckled mirthlessly. “It’s not about the money, Reigns. And it’s sure as shit not about my prowess or defending anything. It’s…” Dean trailed off, starting up a tempo on his collarbone.

“It’s…?” Roman prompted him after a minute or two, raising an eyebrow.

“I got this…this issue with standing still. I have a lot of nervous energy to expel. Dunno’ what the normal amount is, but I can say with confidence that I’ve got a lot more than normal. I thought that going after the big guy would help work through a little of it.” Dean tried to sound nonchalant. “Til’ Rollins is all better and I have him to throw around again.”

“You really know Rollins, huh?” Roman was watching him closely. “You’re always scrapping with him and you guys still work well to-”

“No we do not.” Dean gritted out. “We used to. We do not anymore. End of discussion.” He cracked his neck, hearing the satisfying pop in his ears as he rotated his head. Roman busied himself with adjusting the pads on his hands. “Look, I don’t know how up to date your dad kept you. I’m assuming you ain’t seen the footage from the night Rollins broke us up.” Dean said by way of apology, knowing that being gruff and moody wasn’t really going to do either of them any good.

“No, I didn’t look for it or anything. Should I?” Roman asked quietly.

“Fuck no. That was just the last time I fought for something I believed in, y’know? I thought Rollins and I would be partners forever. We went through hell and high water together. And he kind of…well, look, right now ain’t the time for a sob story about my commitment issues, alright? My offer is on the table if you want it. I’ll gladly toss myself at Lesnar, I’ll fight harder than I’ve ever fought before. I don’t want your ass gettin’ a beatdown because you ain’t had to do this before.” Dean held up a hand when Roman opened his mouth. “Just think on it for a while. Talk to your pops, he’s the guy that threw your hat in with ‘The Lunatic’. Even if the answer is no, that’s okay. I’ve got weapons and I’ll use ‘em to cripple Lesnar so you can have the last blow hopefully without getting yourself hurt.”

“Why, though? Why would you...?”

“I don’t need this victory. You do. Your family does.” Dean said bluntly. “I don’t need jack shit from Lesnar except a huge, angry opponent who will help when it comes to killing time.” He cleared his throat. “This fight is a terrible idea. For anyone, really. Brock ain’t a merciful dude. I’ve dealt with worse than him, but you haven’t. So I’ll take the brunt of his bullshit.”

“You’re not really answering my question, Ambrose.”

“It’s important that you have something to fight for.” Dean reached forward and began undoing the target pad straps on Roman’s hands. “How often do you fight, and what is it for?”

“I’ve never been in a real fight in my life.” Roman replied honestly. “In high school I would push the other jocks around. That’s it though. Kid stuff, we weren’t exactly throwing punches.”

“Ground up, huh? Alright. We’ll start with evasion.” Dean grunted, snapping the straps into place around his own hands.

…

Roman was from a long, proud, downright prestigious line of athletes. He would never stop being impressed by his family’s dedication to whatever they set themselves to.

But when his father told him he was going to fight Lesnar one way or another, his heart sank to his shoes. He had been hoping to break into the business, yes, but maybe in a less…drastic manner. This was a suicide mission and it confused Roman to no end, the notion that his father was totally willing to hang the family hat on Roman’s performance in something he’d never officially done. Oh certainly, he’d wrestled before. Growing up in his family practically guaranteed it.

It was different when it was personal. Hearing what Brock said about his family, what Heyman said about his family lit Roman’s fuse. He’d agreed to his father’s plan without a second thought at the time, raring to defend his siblings, his cousins.

Now, laying on his back on the mat gasping for breath, he was a little concerned with himself. Did he have the ability? Absolutely. Was he going to be able to keep it together so he could win? Maybe not so much.

Ambrose growled, seeming exasperated. “You need to conserve your energy, man. Maybe switch up your workout for endurance, do some more jump rope.” He suggested, plopping down beside the dark-haired man.

Roman nodded, too tired to do much of anything else.

“The good news is that Brock is a glass fuckin’ cannon. All it takes is one damn good shot to rock him, and then if you don’t let up…” Dean punched his palm, “Boom! You have anythin’ in football that could be good for that? It's easier to re-purpose instead of go flat-out new.”

Roman blinked up at the ceiling while Ambrose rattled on, not really paying attention to what he was saying. The fight was less than a week away and his confidence continued to wane even as he doggedly trained with Dean.

“Hey, d’ya think when you win I could hold your arm up?” Ambrose asked. He always spoke in absolutes and it made Roman feel just a tad better. When you win, when Brock loses. “Kinda’ like how the ref does.” Dean had done a complete one-eighty as far as his attitude went once he realized that Roman wasn’t some dumb lug. The thinner man seemed almost happy to teach Roman, weirdly enthusiastic about passing along his techniques. Which leaned more towards the street fight side of things, but any port in a storm as far as Roman was concerned. Someone who would bad mouth his family didn't deserve anything above a good old-fashioned ass beating.

“Sure, why the hell not.” Roman managed to shrug while still on his back. “Could be cool.”

“Badass.” Dean had a smile that could disarm a drill sergeant, Roman was certain. It was rare, but when he did smile he could light up the room.

“Oh, I talked with my dad about you training me.” Reigns said a little while later, as Dean was running the ropes.

“Was he pissed?” Ambrose panted, nearly slipping on the mat and taking a second to regain his balance before he was off again.

Roman shook his head, putting his hands on his hips. “Nah, it was kinda' weird. He seemed excited about it. Said I could learn a lot from you.”

“That's so cool, oh wow. Sika thinks I'm smart.” Ambrose draped himself over the middle rope, his eyes wide in delight.

“He doesn't get why you would sacrifice your opportunity to beat Brock, but he's happy all the same.” Roman clarified.

“I told you, man, it's not personal for me. It's just me bein' bored.” Dean reached out and rumpled Roman's hair, the gesture rough but oddly fond. “You're going to do great.”

“Do you actually think that? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better?” Roman asked, furrowing his brow when Ambrose slid out of the ring to stand in front of him.

Dean took his shoulders, pressing their foreheads together. “Not only do I think you're gonna' beat him, I think you're gonna' beat him to within an inch of his life.” He searched Roman's eyes, doubtless seeing the fear that Reigns tried so hard to conceal. “Why do you think you're not going to beat him?”

“It's not that I think I won't beat him. I know it's going to be difficult and there's so much riding on me to beat him. I'm...I guess I'm nervous.” Understatement of the century. Every time Roman thought about getting in the ring for real, in front of all those people...

“You've got this, man. I swear. As long as I'm still pullin' breath into my lungs, you're not losing this fight.” Dean promised, extending his hand. Roman shook it after a minute, feeling a tiny bit better. Ambrose always seemed to know just what to say when it came to reassuring him. Roman was incredibly grateful for the weird opportunity he had been granted. Training with 'The Lunatic' was definitely a once in a lifetime kind of experience.

There was a bruise under Dean's eye from a punch gone wrong earlier in the week. Roman had floored him with the shot, apologies already pouring out of him as he crouched beside the other man. Ambrose had looked rattled for a minute before accepting a hand back up. “Holy shit, why didn't you tell me you could hit?!” He'd scolded Roman, “we could have been working on that instead of these speed drills! C'mon, hit me again! Let's go Reigns, time's a-wastin'!” He seemed ecstatic, he was definitely the only person Roman had met who was excited about getting punched in the face.

Once Dean figured out he could punch, he of course had to build a specific move around it. Roman privately thought it seemed kind of goofy, but he couldn't deny how badass it looked when it worked. Aim with his left hand, use the momentum of his hip rotation to add a little extra heat behind it, land on his feet without hurting himself. They practiced it over and over until Roman was pretty sure he could have done it in his sleep, both of them ending up laying on their backs on the mat panting hard.

Dean held out a fist to him and Roman tapped his knuckles against the other man's, turning his head to the side to catch Ambrose's grin. “You're gonna' do great.”

…

Dean's ears were ringing almost loud enough to drown out the roar of the crowd. There had been an explosion of pain at the base of his neck about two suplexes back and that's when the nausea kicked in. Everything was going wrong, where was Roman? He had swung with all his might, Barbie whistling through the air in his hands and Lesnar had somehow dodged the blow. Dean had been graced a back full of steel chairs as the prize for his insolence, and now he slumped in his corner with a very angry, very pink Brock standing over him.

For some reason KONGOS wouldn't get out of Dean's head, the opening accordion lick for Come With Me Now adding a little extra crazy to the clanging in his ears. I've wasted time, I've wasted breath, I think I've thought myself to death.

But he wasn't about to give up. Oh no, hell no. Ambrose intended on making Brock work even harder for this victory. Brock was pouring sweat, furious and pawing at his own face as he tried to keep his temper under control. Heyman was shrieking from ringside as always, Dean could feel the impacts of his hands on the mat as he attempted to leash his beast. Something else, though. There was a violent bump that came from beneath Dean, beneath the canvas, right before Lesnar hoisted him back up across his shoulders.

I was born without this fear, now only this seems clear. I need to move, I need to fight, I need to lose myself tonight.

Dean swung wildly at Brock's head, knowing that if Lesnar landed that F5 there might not be anything left in him to get back up. He managed to flail free, scramble away while Brock was off balance. Dean rolled out of the ring with Brock hot on his heels. His foot caught on something, the apron maybe, and he sprawled forward, his head cracking off the steel steps. The arena faded in and out around him as Dean bit down on his thumb, hard enough to hear the crunch of his skin giving way.

Confused what I thought for something I felt, confused what I feel for something that's real.

Brock's huge form was suddenly dripping sweat on his face and Dean found it in himself to wrinkle his nose in disgust, to roll up into himself. Brock sneered, one large hand grabbing the back of Dean's neck and hauling him upright. Dean made himself dead weight, laughing breathlessly when Brock struggled to keep him standing.

Something, someone hit Ambrose from behind, the shock hurting more than the actual blow from the chair. He tumbled to the floor again, not sure if this was the last time. A familiar cackle met his ears and Dean wondered if he was imagining things, if his brain was just filling in a few more painful blanks for him.

He didn't have very long to wonder as another someone threw their body over his own, arms wrapped around his head to shield him from the next onslaught.

...

“You okay?” Roman panted in Dean’s ear, grunting when the chair cracked against the back of his ring gear. “Sorry about this mess, Rollins was waiting for me.”

“Both of you were under there? Shit, you coulda' passed me a few more chairs. Some assist you were.” Ambrose sounded trashed.

“He had a sledgehammer, man.” Roman remembered the horrified second of realization he had when he saw the blunt weapon within arms reach of Rollins, the oh my God before he was pulling himself under the crossbeams beneath the ring and engaging the other man with extreme prejudice. “Are you okay?” Ambrose chose that moment to hiccup, blood and spit dribbling out of his mouth. Roman swore, wiping the mess away. “I’m gonna’ take that as a no.”

“Bit my tongue on one of the suplexes. What am I up to?” Dean raised his head, unfocused eyes looking for the signs that fans held. “Twelve, damn. That’s a pretty good number.” His head dropped back down, hitting the matted floor with a wet thud. His eyes rolled back in his skull, body shuddering underneath Roman.

“No no no, Ambrose!” Reigns said frantically, cursing himself for wasting so much time fighting with Rollins. If he had appeared when he was supposed to, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. He got to his feet, catching the next shot from Rollins and tearing the chair out of the other man’s grasp. “You-!” Roman seethed, tossing the chair back into the ring and leveling a Hogan-style finger point at Seth. His all-natural pythons may be a few inches shy, but he felt like it was the thought that counted. “You!” Every word that came to mind at this point was definitely not something pay-per-view friendly so Roman settled for grinding his teeth in a silent snarl. The crowded arena echoed the “YOU!”, murmurs rising after the initial confusion as to what the hell was going on. “SUPLEX CITY!” and “SHIELD!” and “YES!” chants began to circle, to duel.

Ambrose grabbed at one of the many empty pockets on the side of Roman’s pants, the battered man’s fingers scrabbling for purchase on Roman’s clothing. Roman hauled Dean up by his belt, Ambrose holding onto his arm even after he let him go. “What’re y’doin’ here, Seth?” Dean slurred. “Didja’ come t’pologize? Huh, buddy?” The raw pain in Dean’s voice startled Roman. “Come t’say ya’ sorry, Seth?”

Rollins started laughing again. “God, you’re pathetic!” He chuckled, bouncing from one foot to the other with Lesnar at his side. “I came to take part in my favorite pastime. Kicking your ass!”

Roman felt Dean sag against him, like his last ounce of fight had petered out. “Who the hell are you, anyway?” Lesnar asked Roman.

“He’s th’guy thas’ gunna’ pin y’ ass.” Ambrose said, pushing away from Reigns and blearily raising his fists. “His name’s Roman Reigns.”

Roman watched curiously as an odd expression crossed Brock’s face. Behind him, Heyman looked like he was about to burst. “I ain’t afraid of some other shitty offshoot of that fuckin’ family tree.” Brock said finally, grinning. “C’mon Reigns, you want a one-way trip to Suplex City that bad?” He beckoned. “Let’s get this over with.”

Roman crouched warily. “I’ve got Rollins.” Ambrose grunted, not looking like he ‘had’ Rollins in the slightest. If anything he was already swaying on his feet, weaving a little as he struggled to stay upright.

Roman did the only thing he could think of, exploding from his crouch with his arms outstretched to catch Brock and Rollins at the thighs with his shoulders and knock them both down. “Move Dean!” He shouted, Brock’s clumsy fingers tangling in his long hair to jerk his head back at a painful angle. The burly fighter didn’t give Roman a moment of pause, clubbing him with a closed fist to the side of his head that knocked him against the barricade. Roman saw stars, hastily raking at Lesnar’s eyes to give himself some breathing room like Dean had showed him.

No-Holds-Barred Street Fight it will goddamn be.

Ambrose practically fell on top of Rollins and was all over him like a bad suit, fists pounding into Seth’s neck and ribs at random. “Fuck you, sneakin’ around like a damn coward, with your Daddy’s sledgehammer!” Dean apparently had forgotten about the whole pay-per-view appropriate language thing, because he was swearing like a sailor when it came to Rollins.

Roman didn’t have much attention to spare for Ambrose. Brock was back on his feet, Roman still trying to shake the cobwebs from getting his head bounced off the barricade. Brock seized a handful of his hair again and Reigns was seriously regretting his last elastic snapping while he was duking it out with Rollins. Lesnar pulled him into an upright position to slap him across the face, that satisfied smirk the only thing Roman could focus on.

For my family.

Reigns caught Brock’s hand before it could connect again, debating momentarily on wrenching Lesnar’s wrist like Dean had demonstrated once or twice to stress out the tendons. Lesnar released his hold on his hair, winding back to take Roman’s head off. Roman’s free hand was suddenly full of wood handle, his fingers automatically gripping down on the bat while Ambrose full-on shoved it against Brock’s leg. The barbed wire tore into Lesnar’s skin and Brock hollered angrily, lashing out at Ambrose with a kick to the head that knocked him flat.

Roman dragged the bat up Brock’s leg, still maintaining his hold on the other man’s dominant hand. “All I have to do is swing, big man.” Roman snarled, “One good swing and you’ll be out of a job. You really wanna’ play that game with me, Lesnar?”

“Fuck you.” Brock spat, barely getting the chance to raise his other arm before Dean grabbed it, forcing it back down. Ambrose looked like he was barely there, his eyes half-closed and essentially his whole body wrapped around Lesnar’s arm.

Seth reared his ugly head, his nose appearing a little worse for the wear as he got to his feet and started towards the huddle of men with murder in his eyes and the sledgehammer in hand. Roman cast around frantically for a plan, a fragment of a plan, really. Something, anything!

He pulled Brock close and then shoved him back quickly, using the larger man to knock Seth down. Ambrose went along for the ride, unfortunately, and Roman’s heart slammed into his throat when Rollins lunged back to his feet, that sledgehammer raised high over his head.

Roman didn’t really think, he just dropped the bat and moved. Aim with the left, rotate his body into the motion. His fist connected with Seth’s jaw, the thunderous blow resounding through the arena.

Rollins stopped dead. Everything went silent aside from Brock’s heavy breathing. The sledgehammer slid free of Seth’s hands, dropping harmlessly to the floor. Rollins quickly followed, his body toppling like a rag doll. Roman realized (and he wasn’t sure if he was excited or horrified) that he’d just knocked the other man out.

Brock hauled himself back up, scrambling to climb into the ring. Fury bubbled in Roman’s chest like a living thing and he tipped his body back to roar, laughing wildly when the crowd echoed the sound. Where was Suplex City now? Heyman cowered beside the ring and Roman stalked him, catching him by the scruff of his neck before he could slink away.

“If I ever hear that you've spoken poorly of my family again, I will make you goddamn regret it.” Roman snarled, releasing the advocate immediately afterwards to focus solely on Lesnar. Brock had one of the many chairs in his hands, looking wary. Reigns sauntered around the ring, scooping Barbie back up. Dean somehow was halfway upright, clinging to the apron like his life depended on it. Roman tousled his hair on the way by and Ambrose arched up to his touch, snapping his teeth playfully at Roman’s hand.

“It’s up to you now, Reigns.” He said, resting his face on the side of the apron. “All up to you. Y’ got this, big dog.”

Big dog.

“You need to be with me, who's gonna' lift my hand when I win?” Roman asked.

Dean nodded slowly, raising his eyes to stare at Lesnar. “I'll make it up there. Promise.” He tapped Roman's fist with his own. “For your family, man.” He sounded exhausted.

Brock skittered as far back as he possibly could without dropping out of the ring again, holding the chair like a shield. Roman had no problem waiting, tapping the sole of his boot with the bat and leaning against the ropes with just a hint of insolence in his posture. He liked to think he'd learned a thing or two about pushing buttons from Ambrose, and he was not disappointed as a second later Brock charged at him with the chair.

Barbie met the chair with a ringing impact, the metal object ripped from Lesnar's hands by the force of the swing. Brock was left weaponless at the mercy of a young man fresh out of developmental, crafted by 'The Lunatic' himself and carrying the honor of his family.

Roman hoped that Brock at least realized the error of his ways before being rocked by another perfect Superman Punch. Roman straddled Brock's chest, pinning his arms down with his knees and delivering shot after shot to the other man's jaw. “Keep my family's name out of your damn mouth!” Roman shouted in Brock's face, his final punch snapping Lesnar's head to the side with a jerk of finality.

The arena was on its feet at the beginning of the beatdown, boos overwhelmed by steadily rising cheers. Roman pulled himself up and threw his head back for another roar, this one triumphant instead of angry. The Beast lay unconscious at his boots, his advocate probably still cringing in fear by the ring post. Roman turned on his heel to grab Ambrose's arm and easily pull him into the ring. “Take what's yours, Ambrose.” He ordered, Dean stumbling forward to pin Lesnar.

The three-count was called, the bell rung, and Ambrose was abruptly hugging Roman's legs. Reigns laughed and dropped the barbed wire bat so he could drag Dean to a semi-standing position and hug him for real. “You did it, Roman!” Dean yelled over the crowd, slamming his forehead into Roman's shoulder. “Holy shit, you did it. Wow.” He said a little quieter.

“We did it.” Roman replied firmly, tugging Dean's chin up so he could see his eyes. “We, Ambrose.” He wasn't sure if he would ever stop smiling, especially when Dean slowly smiled back. True to his word, Ambrose hoisted Roman's arm high, almost toppling with the effort. Roman grabbed his wrist, effectively raising both their arms. “This wouldn't even have happened if you hadn't taken me under your wing, man. Thank you.”

…

Dean closed his eyes and just basked in the adoration for a minute. He didn’t need it, but damn was it good to have when he was walking wounded. He palmed the back of Roman’s head, fingers running through that thick mane of hair. Roman hadn’t stopped smiling, his whole face lit up with joy as he kept his hand raised.

Roman’s dad was helped over the barricade by security and the older man climbed into the ring, raucous cheers starting up as people began to realize who he was. Sika, to Dean’s surprise, caught both men in a tight hug while saying “my boys!” over and over. “I’m so proud of you Roman. Thank you, Dean, for keeping my son safe.” He said quietly, making Ambrose tear up a little. Roman didn’t look much better, nodding and quickly rubbing at his eyes when his father released them.

“Thanks for believing in us, Dad.” Roman said, the sincerity in his voice hitting Dean like a punch to the gut. He didn’t have very long to focus on the feeling because Reigns was hugging him again, his dad wrapped around the outside of the embrace in another hug of his own. “Thank you, Ambrose.” Roman pressed their foreheads together. “Thank you so damn much.”

Dean closed his eyes again, not able to handle the unchecked affection in Roman’s gaze. “Anytime, man. S’what I’m here for.” He mumbled, his shoulders drooping as his body realized that the fight was over. You can stop now, Dean. Roman would leave, they had accomplished what they set out to do and that was it. You can stop now. Dean abruptly felt nauseous again, his knees starting to shake under him. He grabbed frantically at Roman’s shoulders, his fingers useless and clumsy as everything slowly dissolved into numb tingling.

“Dean!”

…

Ambrose had taken a hellish beating at the hands of Lesnar, twelve suplexes and more. Roman felt like an idiot for expecting him to walk out of the ring.

Dean looked dazed as he was secured to the backboard, blue eyes unfocused and fingers twitching wildly at his sides.

Sika’s hand landed on Roman’s shoulder. “Go with him, son. He needs you.” He shrugged when Roman looked back at him. “I can manage this part. Be with your partner now. He’s used to being alone. Let him know he isn’t anymore.” His dad gave him a knowing smile and Roman swallowed hard, nodding quickly.

“He has a concussion.”

Roman had wanted to say no shit, but he figured that would be bad form.

Ambrose had a death grip on his hand. He’d seemed surprised when Roman walked into the exam room, when Roman had taken his hand and squeezed it tight.

A concussion in this company could be a death sentence and Roman sincerely doubted that this was Dean’s first one.

“He’ll need supervision.”

Again, Roman wanted to say no shit. Dean’s jaw had tightened and he’d begun to protest, “I’m not some idiot kid, I can take care of myself.”

“I’ll stay with him.” Roman had stated firmly, feeling Dean’s eyes trying to burn a hole through him. “He’s my partner.”

Later that night Ambrose leaned his face against the car window and huffed out a loud sigh. “M’ sorry about all this, man.”

“What the heck are you apologizing for?” Roman asked, tapping at the screen of the GPS. “I’m lucky I’m not identifying your body at a freezer after that fight.”

“M’ sorry about Rollins. I didn’t…I figured he was still out of commission for weeks.” Dean fidgeted in his seat. “Thank fuck he didn’t have room to swing under the ring.”

“You can’t really be blamed for that maniac’s actions, man.” Roman finally got the GPS to work, punching in his address.

Dean chuckled, the noise forlorn. “I don’t know why the hell you’re the only person to figure out that I ain’t as unstable as I’m supposed to be. It’s weird.”

“In a good way or…?”

“Yeah. In a good way. In my kinda’ way.” Dean settled down in his seat, fingers tapping away at his kneecaps. “Where we goin’, anyhow?” He asked curiously.

“My apartment.” Roman cleared his throat. “Is there anything at your place that you need as far as tonight goes?”

“Nah, I’ve got a fresh set of clothes and my toothbrush in my gym bag. You sure you want me in your apartment though? Don’t wanna’ scare off any roommates or significant others.” Ambrose seemed legitimately worried.

“I live alone, you’re fine.” Reigns answered dismissively, giving his apartment a mental once-over and hoping he hadn’t left his boxers in the bathroom again. I get so damn lazy, he scolded himself, not noticing how quiet Dean had become until Ambrose coughed awkwardly.

“You don’t have any roommates or anything? That’s wild man, I don’t think I’ve ever lived anywhere by myself.” Dean twiddled his fingers. “Have you always lived on your own?”

“Since moving out, yes.” Roman shot Dean a curious look. “Why?”

“It’s just kinda’ strange to me is all. You have a big family though, so I can understand wanting your own space.” Dean reasoned. His back straightened up, as if he’d remembered something. “Oh! Shit! That thing you did during the match! The yell thing!” He said excitedly, bouncing in place for a second. “What the hell was that?! It was awesome!”

Roman laughed at Dean’s sudden enthusiasm. “I dunno’ man. I just felt like I needed to yell, so I did.”

“And Barbie, I can’t believe that shit! Just whackin’ that chair outta’ the park like Babe fucking Ruth. I’m…shit, I would have popped a boner if I’d had the presence of mind.” Dean teased, his tongue poking between his teeth as he grinned. “We done right by Mick, Funk, and your family, s’ all that matters.” Dean wriggled in his seat. “What are you gonna’ do from here on out? I’ve got the feelin’ that you may have a future in this company, y’know?”

“I was thinking I would stick with you. If they’ll let me, of course.” Roman deliberately kept his expression bland, his eyes focused on the road. He heard a quick, jerky intake of breath from the man beside him and Dean fell silent again.

“W…Why though?” Ambrose asked softly after a good five minutes had passed.

“I thought we worked well together. I’d like if you could keep teaching me.” Roman replied simply. “If the higher-ups permit.”

“I dunno’ if I’m ready for another partner, Reigns.” Dean said hesitantly. “I…It’s got nothing to do with you, okay?”

“Give me a chance, Ambrose. I promise I’ll work hard.”

“I ain’t worried about your work ethic man, I’ve seen that’s through the roof.” Ambrose protested. “After Rollins, I just don’t know if I should do partners anymore.”

“I can help with that. Superman Punch is his Kryptonite.” Roman didn’t expect the explosion of laughter from Ambrose.

“Oh my God, I totally forgot--that was fucking insane! You got four feet of air, I swear you did! Fuckin’ legendary, if nobody got a picture of you mid-swing I’m hiring a professional photographer. Hit hard and fuckin’ often, Roman Reigns!” Dean rambled, gesturing wildly with his hands. “I wish you’d been in the Shield man, definitely could have used you in a few fights.”  

“I’m here now, man. Might as well put me to work, right?” Roman asked while he parked the car.

The way Dean’s face scrunched up in thought gave him a little bit of hope.

…

Someone wanting to work with him, wanting to prove themselves to him, was foreign to Dean. He was pretty sure that this ‘letting his brain heal’ business was just a plot to get him to trust Reigns. It wouldn’t have been so bad, except for the fact that he was bored and it was working, damn it.

After the third day on Roman’s couch, sitting in the air conditioning with the blinds closed, Dean felt like he was going to start foaming at the mouth. While he was brushing his teeth he debated staggering through the apartment with the toothpaste all over his mouth, making zombie noises. But no, he was an adult. Probably a bad idea. He rinsed his mouth out and wiped the toothpaste foam away. His fingers started up a tempo on the sink and he stood there, staring at himself in the mirror.

The bruise under his eye had been replaced by a few scrapes, his tongue still a little sensitive from how hard he had bit down on it. Dean sighed, checking his eyes like the trainer had told him. His pupils continued to react fine to the light. Dean knew he was a lucky bastard, getting out of that fight with nothing but a concussion and some nicks. The base of his neck was still more than tender and that worried him to an extent. Mostly because he couldn’t really see it to monitor the healing process.

Ambrose trotted down the hall to Roman’s room, knocking on the door before pushing it open. “Hey Reigns, I need you to check my neck real quick.”

Roman groaned, obviously still half-asleep as he nodded and wriggled a little closer to the edge of his bed. “M’kay, c’mere.”

Ambrose ducked down, expecting Roman to sit up and take a look. Instead, he felt a mouth press to the skin just below the area that was painful, the sensation making him freeze.

“There’s a bruise, but m’sure y’ already knew that. S’okay, I fixed it.” Roman waved a hand, flopping back down onto his mattress. “Still sleep time, Ambrose. Shh.”

Dean touched the back of his neck, his mouth slightly open. What the fuck. “Roman did you just…?”

Roman grabbed Dean’s arm, dragging the other man into an awkward, almost horizontal position in the bed beside him. “Shh, sleep.” Roman mumbled, clumsily petting over Dean’s mop of curly hair.

Dean knew this was stupid, that Roman was out of it and didn’t even know what he was doing. But that didn’t stop him from relaxing a fraction in the other man’s grip. And then a fraction more. “Reigns, y’need t’ let me go.” He said quietly after Roman made no move to release him.

Roman growled, sounding sulky. “Nuh.” He opened one eye to glare at Dean. “No way. Some other guy did that before.”

Dean stiffened. “Well I mean, that was more like he threw me in the trash, honestly.” He tried to smile, tried to make it a joke like it didn’t still hurt.

Roman curled up around Dean, nudging his face into Dean’s chest. “Not gonna’ happen again.” He slurred confidently. “I’ll kick his ass.”

Dean snickered. It was easier than crying. “I bet you will.”

“Seriously.” Roman propped himself up, looking a little more alert. “I’ll kick his ass.”

“You haven’t even seen-”

“I don’t need to.” Roman huffed. “I’ve worked with you. You trained me.”

“Maybe I am just as crazy as he says, man. Didja’ ever think of that?”

“I doubt it.”

Dean had promised himself that after Rollins, that was it. There was no more Shield, no more teamwork, nothing that could lead to him depending on someone and getting his body destroyed when they turned on him. Because he was unstable, and that was why he had clung to Seth so tight. Seth wasn’t crazy like him, Seth was smart and capable and miles less fucked-up. Dean might fight until his last gasp, but Rollins was the one who always pulled the trigger.

Little brother.

Dean hadn’t noticed the tears dripping down his cheeks, hadn’t meant to start crying. Just another fucked-up tidbit, he supposed. One more thing knocked loose.

Fingers were wiping Dean’s tears away, brown eyes fixed on his own worriedly. “Ambrose, did I say something wrong? Didn’t mean to.”

“Nah, it’s just…it’s been a while since anyone had anythin’ nice to say to me. I’m insane, you know.” Dean shrugged, waving his hands around to illustrate his lack of stability. “The ‘Lunatic Fringe’, the 'madman known as Dean Ambrose'. That’s me, a wild and crazy guy.”

Roman shook his head. “I don’t see that, man.”

“I’m touched, Reigns.”

“I don’t!” Roman insisted. Dean almost believed him. “Why would I lie to you? I’ve been upfront so far, haven’t I?”

…

“Mm, kinda’ wondering when you’re gonna’ dig the knife in between my shoulder blades, honestly.” Dean said, sounding totally serious. “How much more vulnerable do I have to be, man? I’m recovering from a concussion and you pulled me into your damn bed to snuggle. You’re a special brand of evil if you want me any lower than this.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me, man.” Roman groaned. “You’re lucky you’re concussed. I wanna’ give you the world’s baddest noogie for all the bullshit you’re spewing.”

“Kick the street dog while he’s down, huh? I see how it-” Dean never got to finish his sentence because Roman rolled on top of him, the larger man taking care not to rest too much of his weight on Ambrose.

“I ain’t Rollins.” Roman said slowly. His hands found Dean’s in the sheets. “You hearing me, Ambrose? Do I have your attention?”

Dean nodded once.

“I’m not Seth. I don’t think you’re crazy. Not by a long shot, okay? So put that shit to bed. You’re more than whatever he said you were.” Roman stated. “You can’t let that guy’s image of you become the only thing that matters. You’re so much more than a shitty gimmick, Ambrose.”

“I hate that you make shit sound true. It’s just gonna’ fuck me up more.” Dean whispered.

“Ambrose please listen to me.” Roman begged. “I’m not here to hurt you.”

“Don’t lie to me, Reigns. I swear to fuck, don’t you fucking lie to me. Just tell me I’m shit, tell me I don’t deserve anything and that I’m messed-up in the head.”

“What the fuck, Ambrose?” Roman wished his voice didn’t crack. “I’m…I mean Jesus man, what the fuck? No, I’m not gonna’ say any of that shit. Why would I?” Dean stared up at him defiantly. “Dammit Ambrose, come the fuck on.” When Dean just kept staring, Roman sighed heavily. “Okay, have it your way.” Pretending not to notice the defeated sag of Dean’s shoulders, Roman tucked his hair back behind his ears so he could actually see what he was doing. “Oh yeah, this guy beneath me is super fucked up.” Roman started, making sure he sounded as sarcastic as possible. “Yep, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. He’s all kinds of terrible.”

Dean snorted, shoving Roman’s chest. “You asshole.”

“Guy takes a king-sized failed football player in as a favor to his dad, shows him the ropes so he can beat another huge shithead. What a dick, that Ambrose guy. Making sure other people are as safe as possible, dealing with all his own problems in his own way. Goddamn, that no-good son of a bitch.” Roman couldn’t keep the grin off his face at this point. “That motherfucker, that-”

Dean leaned up and pecked him on the lips, stopping Roman mid-tease. “You’re doing it wrong, man.”

“I dunno’, I got a kiss out of it so I think I’m doing it right.” Reigns smirked, feeling very satisfied with himself. “If I keep saying things I don’t mean, will I get another one? Or should I say things I actually do mean?”

“Like what?” Dean made a raspberry sound.

“Like this.” Roman pressed his mouth to Dean's collarbone, licking and gently nipping the area. He heard Ambrose's breath catch, felt the other man's fingers quickly wind into his hair. “You're worth it.” Roman whispered.

Dean groaned. “Reigns...”

Roman didn't bother to respond, continuing his way down Dean's chest. There were still small cuts and nicks on Dean's torso from the match and Roman took the time to kiss every one of them, loving the way Dean began arching himself up to his mouth. “You're not crazy.”

“I am though, I am, he said I--” Ambrose tried to protest but Roman mouthed over a scrape at the edge of his boxers, iron taste filling his mouth and suddenly Ambrose's voice got urgent. “Oh no, mmfuck, Roman, you...” Dean squirmed, his eyes wide when Roman pulled back to look. “I kinda' have...I mean I kinda' like...y'know.” Ambrose mumbled, tapping the spot on his hip. “S'good.”

“Oh?” Roman bit down then, still gentle but not nearly as gentle as before.

...

Dean gasped, fingers lacing together on the back of Roman's head and holding him still. “Oh fuck, yes, shit, Jesus Roman!” He cried, that pain warm and good in his stomach like it hadn't been for months, years.

Roman carried on tormenting him with his mouth, teeth harassing Dean's already-battered skin. He didn't ask whether he was alright, didn't ask whether he was too rough, and Dean realized dimly that it was because Reigns trusted him. Reigns knew he would let him know if he went too far.

Dean caressed Roman's hair, the gesture weirdly intimate for him even with the other man's mouth inches away from his very interested cock. “You dealt with pain kinks before, Reigns?” Dean asked boldly when he could think straight for a second.

Roman smirked against Dean's hip, tugging his boxers down. The wet, red-purple welt he left on Dean's skin seemed to speak for itself, and the way he took Dean's cock into his mouth without a second of hesitation spoke volumes towards other experiences.

“Fuck me, Roman goddamn Reigns.” Ambrose sighed, cupping Roman's cheek. “I can't even believe you're doing this right now, holy shit. I'm gonna' wake up any second.”

“You have wet dreams about me?” Roman asked curiously, pulling his mouth off Dean's cock for a second to pump his shaft lazily. He rumbled in his chest when Ambrose nodded, feeling a little embarrassed. “Good.”

“Fuck do you mean, g-oh Jesus--” Roman felt the need to display his approval with his throat, taking Dean all the way down to his base. Ambrose dug his fingers into Roman's hair, feeling the satisfied moan Reigns let out around his cock. “Oh, you too? Roman you are so fucked, you are so fucking fucked.” Dean half-snarled, half-laughed as he twisted his grip. Roman's whole body shuddered and Dean watched hungrily as Roman snuck a hand down to touch himself. “Fuck yes, Reigns, fuckin' fist your cock while you suck me off. Do it, do it, please please.” Dean couldn't decide whether he was ordering or begging, but it didn't really matter because Roman was going to jerk himself off either way.

Watching the muscles in Roman's shoulders and arms shift and roll as he moved was a grounding experience for Dean. Roman could easily slam him against a wall, shit, he could probably put him through a wall. But here Reigns was between his legs, in the other man's apartment no less, in his own bed. Making everything good and okay and not broken, not crazy at all. Even with the pain singing under his skin, the throb of bruises old and new, Ambrose was wholly content to grip Roman's hair and luxuriate in the sensation of knowing that Roman wanted him like this.

…

Dean looked like a vision in the weak morning sunlight, the blinds making shadow stripes across his chest and abdomen. The filth that poured out of his mouth certainly didn't hurt Roman's focus, the encouragement and the compliments on his technique only increasing Roman's need. He had himself propped up on one arm and his knees, the other hand working his cock with slow, even strokes as he just soaked in every hair-pull, every twitch of Dean's hips.

Ambrose suddenly shoved himself up, his hand groping hungrily over Roman's chest and then reaching lower at his belly to palm his dick. Reigns gasped at the change of angle and Dean began jerking him off quickly. “Want you to come.” Dean crooned, his body shivering. “Fuck, Roman, p-please, I want...fuckin' come for me, Reigns, need you to come, need you to come-” He panted, doubtless feeling the way Roman's cock twitched every time he said come. Dean's other hand gripped Roman's hair at the back of his head and dragged his mouth off his cock.

“Now, Dean? Huh? You gonna' come?” Roman growled, craning his neck to bite down hard on Ambrose's shoulder. Dean cried out and Reigns felt him writhe under him and Dean squeezed and Roman couldn't hold on any longer, grinding his hips down against Dean's as he came.

“Fuck.” Dean sighed after a minute or two of silence, his breathless chuckle sounding too high in Roman's ears as he slowly licked his fingers clean. Roman watched wordlessly, still trying to catch his own breath. “You are something fucking else, Roman Reigns. Hell if I know what, but damn you are something else.” Dean fell back against the mattress, groaning loudly. “Holy shit.”

“I'll take that as a compliment. Now, I think I had some important business to attend to.” Roman slid off to the side of Dean and pulled his back to his chest, ignoring Dean's drowsy protesting as he spooned the other man. “More sleep.”

“Hey...thank you.” Dean murmured.

Roman hushed him, starting to pet his hair again. “Sleep, Ambrose.”

“Seriously though, I mean-”

“Ambrose.”

[blackforestbasilisks]

This tag was originally created by Jenn @ Jenniely. I was tagged by Keikii at Keikii Eats Books and figured I’d participate with a post of my own. I’m a sweater person in every weather, since I am secretly a lizard person who is incapable of generating my own body heat. Other people without this deficiency seem to have some fairly radical ideas about how high the air conditioner should be turned up during summer, so I’m all about sweaters and cardigans year round.

HOT CHOCOLATE – WHAT IS YOUR COMFORT BOOK?

I adore comfy slice of life style books when I’m looking for a pick-me-up. Sourdough by Robin Sloan is a particular favorite – it’s just so ridiculously optimistic and pleasant to read! I may or may not have a sourdough kit at home waiting to be started so I can bake my own from scratch bread… though hopefully mine is a bit less temperamental than Lois’ persnickety little starter.

Although it’s heartbreaking, I think The Imaginary Corpse by Tyler Hayes also deserves a mention here. It’s about a stuffed triceratops detective in the Stillreal, where imaginary friends who are still real exist. It’s tragic, but it’s so wholesome to see everyone truly trying to do their very best by one another. It’s so very kind in the face of fear and pain.

PUMPKIN CARVING – WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CREATIVE OUTLET?

Outside of blogging, I really enjoy creating pixel art! It’s a hobby I don’t have quite as much time for as I’d like, but here are a few examples of my art. A few are still WIPs, but I figure that okay for this post 🙂

FALLING LEAVES – CHANGES THAT APPEAR BAD BUT YOU SECRETLY LOVE?

Probably new reddit. Although I detest most of new reddit’s layout, I adore the fact that I can now copy-paste formatting in to a text post. It has made cross-posting reviews to r/Fantasy sooooo much easier. I still use old reddit for my normal browsing, however.

PUMPKIN SPICED LATTE – SOMETHING YOU LOVE THAT OTHERS TEND TO JUDGE

Not so much my immediate friend group, but I’ve definitely seen judgement elsewhere towards playing video games – especially the type that I tend to love. I simply adore Stardew Valley, but some folks in the broader world view it as a time waster. Too bad, since I’m gonna grow by turnips with or without their approval!

BONFIRE NIGHT – WHAT MAKES YOU EXPLODE WITH JOY?

I work as a project manager in the audio visual industry. There is absolutely nothing better than a project that pulls together exactly the way it should, with everyone working together to integrate it without a hitch!

FRIGHT NIGHT – FAVORITE SCARY BOOK OR FILM

I’ve already been gushing about it elsewhere, but I looooooved A Lush and Seething Hell by John Hornor Jacobs. It’s frankly incredible. It’s eery, unsettling, and utterly seamless. I was filled with revulsion, yet I couldn’t look away. Highly, highly recommended.

HALLOWEEN CANDY – FAVORITE THING TO EAT

Favorite Halloween Candy: Werther’s Original Hard Caramels. They’re so good, guys. I know they’re the quintessential “grandma candy” but by god do I channel my inner grandma when I eat them.

If we’re just talking food in general, I think I’d have to go with a perfectly seared lamb chop.

SCARVES – YOUR AUTUMN ‘MUST HAVE’ ACCESSORY

Uh. Well, this one is easy, and appropriate to the section title – it’s literally just scarves. I love scarves. They are wonderful.

FIRE – A BOOK OR FILM THAT BURNS YOUR SOUL

Perhaps a cliche answer, but Grave of the Fireflies is a film that will always destroy me. It’s so tragic and horrible. The characters face everything with so much optimism, yet they’re crushed down again and again by the oppressive war machine.

On the books side, I’d have to go with The Ten Thousand Doors of January. It burns, but in a wonderful way. It broke me, but it also picked up the pieces and patched me together again by the end.

TOFFEE APPLES – A BOOK OR FILM THAT SEEMS ONE THING BUT REALLY HAS A DIFFERENT INSIDE

Velocity Weapon by Megan O’Keefe is one hell of a ride. For the first half, I was convinced I was reading a typical space opera. By the time the second half rolled around, I was in full on holy shit I did not expect that mode. To say more would spoil, but yes, excellent book.

I TAG:

Timy @ RockStarlit Book Asylum

Kristen @ superstardrifter

Beth @ BeforeWeGoBlog

And anyone else who would like to join in!

Autumn Tag: Sweater Weather is Every Weather When Your Office Loves to Turn Up the AC... #bookblogger This tag was originally created by Jenn @ Jenniely. I was tagged by Keikii at…

[benjiwhy-blog]

name: benjamin ‘ benji ‘ oliver langley age: twenty-eight sexuality: pansexual / panromantic pronouns: he / they occupation: bookstore owner sign: aries

okay , halla !! i’m nettle and if you haven’t noticed yet , i’m the biggest fucking matty healy / 1975 stan on this planet. anyway , i’m 22 and i use she / they pronouns leaning towards she / her pronouns. i like my kid am a demiperson. i live in the central timezone , but i’m literally on from the time i wake up to the time i go to bed ( i do tend to go to sleep fairly early though ). that’s pretty much it for me , but i love to make friends and shit so hmu in messages or on discord

have you met benjiman ‘benji’ oliver langley yet ? the twenty-eight year old is known for being both thoughtful and straightforward, but also very obsessive and unreliable. born in dedham,essex, benji now lives in hammersmith and fulham, owning a bookstore.

benji is a fairly new muse , so if you could just bear with me that would be great. anyway , have you seen black books ? if you have ( awesome bc that means u have good taste ) then all you need to know is that benji is highkey bernard black. okay , here ! we ! go !

his mother is irish and his father english. he hasn’t seen his mother in years and for a time he didn’t speak to her for so long he thought maybe she was dead. benji doesn’t have a good relationship with her , clearly. he can only bear talking with her for seconds at a time. he has little contact with both parents. 

benji moved away from home as quick as he could and landed in hammersmith and fulham , he didn’t have any real reasoning for going he basically just covered his eyes and pointed at a map. 

upon moving he met ( WC ) and they lent him money , helped him find a job , etc. a couple years ago with help from ( THE SAME WC ) they were able to find a building to rent and turn into what is now his bookstore. 

personality wise benji is a drunken , depressed pessimist who believes that the best way to enjoy life is through drinking , smoking , and reading. 

though he loves selling books and being surrounded by books he has a hatred of customers entering his shop and if intoxicated can be found to insult and / or harass them.

as well as his hatred for customers , benji also has a hatred of cellphones and time-wasters, so much so that they have written a set of rules for all customers to obey. 

benji has a certain fondness for the shop itself , however , and when told that it needs refurbishing will state that " it is a lovely place " and will defend the shop whenever any of its bad qualities are mentioned.

their negative and pessimistic outlook on life, and his attitude towards other people, is due to the fact that his former fiance ( WC WC WC ) faked his /her / their own death as not to marry them. many people tried to keep this secret from him , but secrets only stay secrets for so long. 

he is a non-practicing roman catholic

benji is pansexual / panromantic

benji is a skilled writer, and has wrote two lengthy books , however , both were refused publication. his skill for creative writing is due to the fact that he is a keen reader of books and very well - read. 

idk who knows what will happen when i actually start writing them , but for now this is what i have and will use to guide me. i will put up a connection page asap and until then just hmu for any plots you may want filled that ol’ benji can fit or if you think of anything while reading this shite

[anonymoustalks]

I did half marathons and triathlons years ago! Stopped then for a while just do 5 and 10Ks now

(6-15-20) You both like conversation.

Stranger: Hi

You: hi

Stranger: How are you?

You: a little stressed but okay

Stranger: I hear you

You: wha about you?

Stranger: Pretty good thanks

You: anything on your mind?

Stranger: Not a lot, just in from a run

You: oh, thats nice

You: do you run a lot?

Stranger: Yeah pre lockdown, 3 times a week. A bit more now I guess to keep sane!

You: thats cool!

Stranger: you run too, eh?

You: no, not really... I guess I don't have quite the motivation

Stranger: Hey I hear that, We all go through spells like that! Running is great to unwind though

You: yeah, I normally go on long walks

You: but for some reason it's hard to bring myself to run

Stranger: That's absolutely fair! I know plenty like that. Running takes practice

You: did you run competitively before?

Stranger: I did half marathons and triathlons years ago! Stopped then for a while just do 5 and 10Ks now

You: wow

Stranger: Mainly for fun but do the odd event, Great buzz there especially at the 10Ks

You: that's really good for you

Stranger: Yeah thanks, Hope to another 10K or even 5K after all this madness! Not the same now just running by myself

You: mhm right

Stranger: What are you upto today then anyway?

You: mhm I came back from work

You: feeling tired

You: had a shift from 6 to 2 today

Stranger: Wow fair play, Really admire people going into work these days! What do you do?

You: research kinda

You: idk if there's much to admire though

You: some places are just opening up

Stranger: Yeah fair play, you like your work?

You: I like it when it isn't stressful haha

Stranger: Haha We can sing that! What sort of things do you research?

You: biology things, skin, that type of stuff

You: what do you do?

Stranger: Nice one, Sounds very impressive!

Stranger: I am a business manager

You: oh wow

You: that sounds especially impressive

Stranger: Thanks mate, Got a lucky break and promotion a few years back! Haha Love what I do though

You: that's great

You: what kind of area is your business in?

Stranger: It's a financial firm, That's my background

Stranger: Still do some finance and number work But I'm Over recruitment in the firm now and oversee how new grads and interns settle in

You: wow that sounds really impressive too haha

You: out of curiosity, what brings you to omegle?

Stranger: Thanks mate

Stranger: Just a quick Chat I guess, Needed a bit more of a break from home here, New on. You?

You: I guess just tired, possibly? decompressing?

You: do you ordinarily get good conversations here?

Stranger: Not really, Just my 3rd time on - Been lucky though and met an interesting person both last times. You?

You: ohh, it's mostly just up and down... omegle certainly has a bad reputation though

Stranger: I hear that Damn I Definitely met my fair share of bots and wasters before. Lucky tonight though, Just on

You: yeah I guess it's a good day!

You: if you don't mind me asking random questions, what are some misconceptions that people have about working in financial firms?

Stranger: Think we are all serious. Or that we make maths jokes... Neither of which are true

You: I think I had a family friend who was in finance, I heard he worked very long hours

You: I don't know much though

Stranger: Yeah That's pretty true actually, Wish it was a misconception!

You: aww haha

You: what makes it long hours?

Stranger: I generally start at 8 and I'm lucky if I'm out by 5, Sometimes it's after 6

Stranger: A lot of meetings, accounts, I give talks and workshops to new grads/interns/students etc. So that keeps me busy now too

You: huh and there's stuff you have to finish by the end of the day?

You: I feel like my perception is like people leaving after 8 or 9 or something

You: and then people going to get drinks

You: idk if that's completely off at all though lol

Stranger: Generally yes - We have to finish accounts by end of the day

Stranger: Sometimes I can leave planning a workshop or talk or getting back to emails till the next day but Then it builds up

You: right that would be bad

Stranger: Haha Yeah some of the guys do that Alright, We'd all feel like drinking after work at times

You: lol I don't really drink much (and I'm not very social) so I worry about how I come off if I decline hanging out like that

Stranger: Haha Hey mate, I rarely drink with them either to be honest - There's absolutely no pressure!

Stranger: I am always trying to convince co-workers to join me at the gym or running, Guess that makes me boring!

You: awww haha

You: yeah I'm never quite sure to what extent it counts as a work obligation or people just hanging out

Stranger: Hahaha No way is it an obligation buddy! We all have different commitments and interests in our life outside work!

You: like one time a supervisor I had when I was an intern invited me to hang out with his friends they were visiting a brewery

Stranger: That's a nice idea But I hope you didn't feel under pressure to show up

You: ah... I came up with an excuse

You: but I also worry about it making me seem cold

You: although I am fairly antisocial I think

Stranger: Hey That's no hassle - I am sure he absolutely understood, No way are you the first person who couldn't make it!

Stranger: Definitely doesn't make you antisocial either

You: ^^ I think I just don't really enjoy hanging out with people for some reason

You: I think omegle is nice because I don't have to go anywhere lool

You: and maybe it's low stakes too

Stranger: No problem with that buddy

Stranger: Where are you from?

You: us east

You: what about you?

Stranger: Nice one, Ireland here

You: ohh wow

You: my boss is irish

You: I heard it's very beautiful

Stranger: Haha No way, Very small world!

Stranger: Lovely countryside near me now alright - Very lucky! Hence I go running in it alot haha

Stranger: Tell me you get on well with your boss, eh?!

You: yup, she's nice

You: we are a big group though, and she's pretty busy

Stranger: I understand! Sounds great!

Stranger: Mind if I ask your name?

You: Mhmm I hope you're not offended if I don't share?

You: It's actually kind of unusual haha

Stranger: Absolutely No hassle! I understand it is a very personal question

You: some people tell me I should just make one up, but I prefer not to for some reaso

Stranger: It's all good

Stranger: Definitely appreciate the honesty far more

You: idk I think things are strange on omegle with its anonymity

Stranger: Spot on!

Stranger: I'm a guy anyway, Can tell you that

You: I don't really come to omegle for romantic purposes, so I hope you're not interested in anything

Stranger: Definitely not, I am only chatting

You: ^^ I've heard a lot of strange things on omegle lol

Stranger: I bet. That means you're a girl?

You: yup

Stranger: Cool

You: mhm it's just normal lol

You: I think it's interesting to hear about finance

You: I honestly don't know much about it at all

Stranger: Yep!

You: my younger brother was sort of interested in it

You: but then decided to do computer science

You: why did you choose finance btw?

Stranger: Oh Cool

You: I guess, what got you interested?

Stranger: I did a general business degree, I liked business at school

Stranger: And then specialised in finance

You: ohh interesting

You: do they have general business degree for university education?

Stranger: Yes

You: I feel like we don't have those at the undergraduate level in the US

You: most of our business schools are post-graduate

You: MBA

Stranger: I understand, We are lucky here Iguess

You: I wonder why a lot of things need post-graduate degrees here in the US

You: it's the same for medical education here I think

You: medical school is only after a bachelor's degree

Stranger: Yeah I have no idea

You: whereas almost everyone else in the world, you can go to medical school after high school

You: do you have anything you're passionate about, aside form running?

Stranger: Working out and playing football. Swimming a bit

You: oh I swam in high school

You: swimming is much more comfortable than running lol

You: at least in my opinion lol

Stranger: Haha yeah I hear you, Easier and more relaxing!

You: do you have a team you play football with?

Stranger: Yes!

Stranger: Probably my favourite thing to do, Really love it!

You: that's great!

You: are they your old team, or did you find a team?

Stranger: Yeah it's the same team I've played with all my life

You: wow it's nice that you're able to stay together

You: I feel like it is harder to find adult leagues of things once you grow up

Stranger: Yeah Absolutely! New members are always welcome on my team

You: Have there been many people who left over the years?

Stranger: But I understand what you mean, All our new players really are 16-18 and played on our kids teams for about 10 years

You: ahh

Stranger: Yes, People usually retire at about 30 and plenty give up as a teenager or in their 20s too

You: I feel like the intensity drops have high school / university too

You: or at least, that was my perception

You: *after

Stranger: For some yes, But not all! We still train very hard 2-3 times a week (pre-corona!)

You: wow haha

You: There was a master's swim team at the place I used to go to

You: but I remember always feeling like they were slow when I was in high school

You: but I'm probably slow now lololol

Stranger: Haha No I'm sure the masters are slow too!

Stranger: I actually took improver swimming lessons for adults before the lockdown, Loved them

Stranger: They are for adults who can swim But Would like to get better, Definitely recommend them to anyone!

You: that's cool

You: are your triathlons usually open water?

Stranger: Yes!

Stranger: They were that was a long time ago

Stranger: A long way off that now haha

Stranger: Of course the swimming instructor loved hearing I once did triathlons!

You: right

Stranger: For many years my swimming had been a 15 minute or so cool down after the gym

Stranger: I'm lucky the pool is at the gym But I Hadn't swam properly in years

You: mhm

You: I wonder when our gyms will reopen again

Stranger: Yeah Soon enough here

You: well, I think I will get going

You: it was really nice talking to you!

Stranger: Thanks very much for talking, wish you all the best

You: have a good evening!

[webart-studio]

Marathon Collection: The Intern Group went from zero funding to hitting $1.5M in income in eight years – Mixergy

Andrew: Hey there, freedom fighters. You recognize me. My title is Andrew Warner. I’m the founding father of Mixergy the place I interview entrepreneurs about how they constructed their companies, and the place I do have a tendency to speak very quick and really loud and I’m a bit bit pushy.

David Lloyd is a bit quieter immediately than regular. Proper?

David: Barely, feeling a bit beneath the climate.s

Andrew: And he’s surrounded by people who find themselves even quieter than he’s and extra easygoing than you might be, is what you informed me concerning the Chilean tradition.

David: I might say that’s correct.

Andrew: I really feel such as you’ve been influenced by them a bit bit. And I ponder how our vitality ranges shall be on this interview. What I discovered about myself is, David, I are likely to, and that is what makes me conversationalist, I are likely to mimic the place individuals are and generally deliver them the place I need them to go. And you may return and hearken to interviews the place I’m quiet all the sudden, like, “Why is Andrew quiet? Oh, the visitor is quiet.” After which there’s like an uptick sooner or later.

David: It’s good salesmanship. It’s mirroring.

Andrew: It’s, proper? I don’t do it deliberately. I strive to not do it.

So David Lloyd the man with the unbelievable accent and excellent wanting man. I informed you this once I noticed you. He’s the founding father of the Intern Group. What they do is, it’s a global schooling firm that locations folks in internships. And the explanation that the way in which you look stood out for me is you’ve got phenomenal press.

I really feel like what you’ve got is, sure, enterprise, but additionally a great way of speaking that enterprise. I imply, communication goes from you, your co-founder, your tales. And due to that once I was researching you, there was lots to go on, there was plenty of colour plenty of different folks saying, “He’s what he says he’s,” and that helped. And helps your corporation too. Proper? He’s nodding.

This interview the place we learn how David is doing, and I attempt to deliver down my vitality degree to his.

David: I’m going to deliver it again up once more.

Andrew: No, you’ve acquired to be you. I’m not right here to do me. I’m right here to love perceive who you might be. It’s dropped at you guys by two phenomenal firms. The primary will host your web site proper. It’s known as HostGator. And the second will allow you to rent phenomenal builders, it’s known as Toptal.

David, good to see you.

David: Good to be right here.

Andrew: The rudest, most New York pushy query I’m going to ask you is, how a lot income is the Intern Group doing?

David: Roughly $15 million a yr.

Andrew: Wow. Revenue, how a lot?

David: About 10% web revenue.

Andrew: So $1.5 million final yr?

David: That’s what will probably be this yr.

Andrew: That’s what it’ll be this yr. What was it final yr income smart then?

David: About half that.

Andrew: Oh, half that. Okay. All proper. And the way a lot funding do you’ve got?

David: Zero.

Andrew: Zero {dollars}?

David: Begin-Up Chile gave us $40.000.

Andrew: And Begin-Up Chile didn’t ask for fairness?

David: They didn’t.

Andrew: They simply requested you to reside right here.

David: Sure. I used to be initially speculated to be right here six months, and 7 years and three months later I discover myself nonetheless right here.

Andrew: And it was simply going to be a factor the place that they had this imaginative and prescient. You had been the imaginative and prescient that they had in thoughts, proper?

David: In all probability.

Andrew: Why did you hesitate? What am I lacking about? I believed what Begin-Up Chile needed was to deliver foreigners right here to start out firms, preserve operating their firms, possibly take funding, possibly not, however that wasn’t a precedence, rent folks.

David: The unwritten aim of Begin-Up Chile was for them to marry Chileans and keep right here due to this fact endlessly. That was why in all probability . . . And that hasn’t occurred to me.

Andrew: And also you didn’t marry somebody from Chile. You’re courting somebody from Argentina.

David: Precisely.

Andrew: And also you may finish . . . Do you assume you’d find yourself in Argentina over Chile? Sure.

David: I feel I’ll keep right here. I feel I’ll keep right here, however any hesitation was just because I feel I’ve completed a lot of the issues that Begin-Up Chile aimed to do, aside from getting married to a Chilean.

Andrew: Okay, all proper. As successes go, that’s fairly scorching. One of many massive issues in Argentina is the asado tradition. You go to your in-laws, and your households’ asado. They’re massive barbecues. How is the asado tradition right here?

David: Asado tradition is huge. Completely equal to Argentina. A lot in order that I’ve simply had a quincho put in in my residence.

Andrew: What quincho is?

David: Say that once more?

Andrew: What’s a quincho?

David: Quincho is a barbecue.

Andrew: And you’ve got just like the official one as a result of you’ve got so many individuals over for barbecue.

David: Precisely.

Andrew: And is it pals, household? Who’s it?

David: For me, it’s simply pals as a result of I don’t have any household right here. However yeah, it’s very regular to have a barbecue at kind of weekly foundation.

Andrew: Each Sunday or like everybody has their day?

David: Precisely.

Andrew: What’s your day?

David: I like midweek.

Andrew: Midweek? What day?

David: We break up the week, Wednesday.

Andrew: Ah, immediately.

David: Precisely.

Andrew: We all know one another nicely sufficient?

David: May very well be.

Andrew: We’ll see if I . . . Nicely, possibly not after this subsequent query. Right here’s what I learn. You guys charged the scholars to get internships. From what I perceive, it’s $500 for the appliance course of, which is sensible as a result of what you’re doing is you’re saying, “Hey, look, if you happen to don’t present up, we’re placing in plenty of time and vitality in introducing, you don’t present up, it’s unhealthy mark on us, it’s an enormous time wasters and a cash suck, you lose it.” But when they do present up for all of the conferences, they usually do get a job, why are they paying $4,000 give or take to you guys for a job that doesn’t pay something?

David: It’s an important query. And I feel the important thing elements to reply that’s it’s overseas, it’s schooling somewhat than employment, and it’s usually contributing to their diploma.

Andrew: Which means, they get school credit score for it.

David: Precisely, precisely. So it’s not simply the internship, though that’s the core of our program. It’s the whole lot that surrounds it. It’s the reflecting on what they’ve been studying. It’s the way it integrates again into their college curriculum. It’s the lodging. It’s the assist in another country, 24/7 assist, social and cultural occasions.

Andrew: I noticed that. I noticed that. It’s so bizarre that you just’re sitting subsequent to me wanting over my shoulder, I’m unprepared for it as a result of I may see that you just noticed that I took like an enormous display screen shot of . . . I overlook what web site that is . . . Oh, goabroad.com. I needed to see anybody say something unfavourable concerning the Intern Group. You guys have unbelievable stars.

After which the one one who I noticed who had a unfavourable factor to say, I feel she didn’t get in New York. Her negativity was, “I requested for my a reimbursement as a result of they requested me to do copies and what I needed to do was social media.” And if I mirrored again on once I acquired my job, my internship on Wall Avenue as a child going to NYU, I believed I used to be going to make all these choices about what to put money into. I needed to make copies. And then you definately type of earned the correct to be within the room a bit bit additional and then you definately earn the correct to do extra after which they ultimately provide you with a job if you happen to’re good. So I get that. However if you happen to’re seeing that, that’s the one factor that I’ve acquired on my display screen once more.

David: However I feel that’s an attention-grabbing factor. If I used to be to ask only a random individual on the road, “Did you want your first job?” What share of individuals do you assume would say, “Sure”?

Andrew: I feel most individuals don’t like their jobs in any respect. I did plenty of copying and I nonetheless beloved it, despite the fact that I wasn’t an important job.

David: After which, so if I modified the query to, “Did you be taught priceless or had been there priceless takeaways out of your first job?” What share of individuals would say, “Sure”? Had been there priceless takeaways out of your first job?

Andrew: Obtained it, proper. And also you’re saying, “With the primary paying job, you don’t actually get any takeaways.”

David: No. I’m saying I don’t assume 100% of individuals are going to reply, “Did you want your first internship? Did you want your first job?” However I feel except individuals are extraordinarily unfavourable, they will discover priceless studying experiences. So if anyone for instance, you talked about Wall Avenue, anyone may do a finance internship and understand finance is just not for them. They detest the internship, however that’s a vastly priceless expertise, so that they don’t go and spend 30 years depressing.

Andrew: Agreed, proper.

David: And I feel that is the kind of factor which is so priceless about what we do.

Andrew: The largest lesson that I acquired from my internship was, Stephanie Winston, who I labored for mentioned, “You’re doing nice. I need you to come back to this breakfast with me.” I am going to this breakfast. It’s surrounded by individuals who she desires as shoppers. She says to me, “Andrew, I need you to have them love us.” Not like inform them what the inventory market’s doing or something like that, love us. I am going, “Nicely, I don’t know the way to do this. I’m a shy child who doesn’t know the best way to discuss to strangers.”

And the entire time whereas she was simply speaking to them about their enterprise, speaking to them . . . As a result of what she was attempting to do is win their enterprise, she was a dealer. I simply sat there and pretended to maintain having to slowly reduce my eggs. Devon, who’s within the room with us, is aware of I eat superfast. I needed to drive myself to eat gradual, simply so I may faux I couldn’t discuss. And on account of that, I went and I acquired the guide, Dale Carnegie’s guide, “The best way to Win Pals and Affect Individuals.” I found by way of the guide that he had an workplace within the coronary heart of Manhattan. And once I knocked on the door and I mentioned, like actually, with out them realizing I used to be coming in, mentioned, “I learn the guide. I realized a lot. Can I get a job right here as an intern working totally free?” After which I acquired one other internship there. And so I that was one massive takeaway.

The factor that you just mentioned about not liking finance due to it, I appeared round I spotted not everybody on Wall Avenue is identical. The folks on her ground had been the highest brokers, however as I checked out their elbows, that they had good shirts such as you. The elbows, I swear, had holes in them from working the telephones all day lengthy and no one noticed them. So it didn’t matter that that they had that on their . . . that their elbows had been like that.

David: It’s just like the TV presenters who had been of their underwear, beneath the desk.

Andrew: Yeah, it was like that, besides even worse. It will be nearly just like the get-rich-quick-guy who the soles of his footwear are worn by way of and he’s acquired a gap, however no one can see. It’s like that. After which they might have a swimsuit that they must put on when anyone got here in. And these had been like high brokers. We’re not speaking about guys who had been in a basement someplace. So I get that.

Let’s discuss the way you began.

David: Positive.

Andrew: I heard you bootstrapped with a really fundamental WordPress web site.

David: It was horrible, yeah.

Andrew: What was the unique thought?

David: For the positioning?

Andrew: Yeah.

David: The unique thought . . . Nicely, the unique thought for the positioning was principally what we nonetheless have now. It’s to draw potential firms and potential contributors. That’s what we name our intern. So, merely pure data.

Andrew: It was simply so if we may get interns along with companies, we’d be okay.

David: Precisely. Precisely. So it’s the usual kind of rooster and egg between for something like that actually.

Andrew: Okay. And the way did you assume you had been going to make cash from it?

David: We at all times had in thoughts that this could be the enterprise mannequin, the charging mannequin to start out off with, however we’ve acquired some attention-grabbing plans for the long run on how we are able to monetize firm.

Andrew: The place did the concept come from?

David: From my very own expertise, in South America and Argentina, such as you, I lived in Buenos Aries.

Andrew: How you find yourself in Buenos Aires?

David: I at all times needed to change into fluent in one other language. Being from England, similar to from the States, only a few folks, apart from kind of heritage audio system, communicate second languages. And I used to be at all times obsessive about attempting to vary that for myself.

I didn’t assume I used to be going to shortly be taught Arabic, Russian, Mandarin or every other doubtlessly very helpful language. I did a easy tradeoff on occasions, the convenience of studying Spanish versus the reward of studying Spanish.

Andrew: It’s one of many best languages on the earth to be taught.

David: Precisely. That’s what folks say. In order that’s why I selected it.

Andrew: And Argentina, as a result of?

David: On the college I did a quick again journey . . .

Andrew: Packing.

David: Can’t even communicate immediately I’m so beneath the climate. Backpacking journey around the world, and Argentina I fell in love with it instantly.

Andrew: What was it about Argentina?

David: Nightlife, meals, folks. Completely sport, spectacular.

Andrew: And so that you mentioned, “I feel I may reside right here. I may do an internship-based firm, and I’ll cost the interns with a imaginative and prescient that sooner or later we may do extra.”

David: No. This was again in 2008. I believed, “I want to maneuver to Buenos Aries. I must be taught Spanish, and I must get some work expertise.” Quick ahead, I kind of wrote to many, many firms huge wrestle to get to get my foot within the door, actual wrestle discovering lodging, actual wrestle discovering a community of pals. Finally, as a result of I’m simply fairly proactive individual, all of it did come into it, it did all match into place. It took me a very long time to seek out the whole lot. It was a superb expertise.

After which 5 years later I’m again in England working within the metropolis, our equal of Wall Avenue for Merrill Lynch, hating it. I ought to have completed a finance internship and realized that wasn’t the profession for me and I stop.

Individuals had been saying, “It’s best to do that for at least two years. You may’t stop a job earlier than two years. What are you doing?” However I knew that I didn’t wish to spend my life in that world after my time doing it. It didn’t really feel proper. I wasn’t impressed by the enterprise mannequin, the folks, the tradition. So I stop with out having something to do.

After which I used to be sat in a Starbucks just a few days later considering, “What on earth am I going to do?” And with a buddy we had been reflecting on issues we’ve had or good experiences we had. And he mentioned, “Nicely, you’re at all times speaking about your time overseas and the way a lot that did for you. Is there a approach to monetize this?” And it got here from that.

Andrew: Okay. And did you give the enterprise a special title at first?

David: Sure.

Andrew: I’m looking within the historical past to see what it appeared like.

David: It was known as Intern Latin America.

Andrew: Oh, since you had been centered on Latin America, your ardour.

David: Precisely. After which we shortly realized that we had been already in a distinct segment and that was making a distinct segment inside a nation, it wasn’t that advisable.

Andrew: Intern Latin America, okay.

David: However then we realized that only a few folks wish to go to Latin America.

Andrew: I’m stunned. The place do folks largely wish to go?

David: I’m going to talk in generalities right here. People wish to go to London, and British folks wish to go to Australia.

Andrew: Australia, okay. So what got here first, the companies or the interns?

David: Nice query. It was a mix. However I might say, to start out off with our first ever program, was FIFA.

Andrew: FIFA, the soccer, soccer.

David: Precisely. The world governing physique of soccer, which is now fairly disreputable. My co-founder Joanna, amazingly acquired us 10 locations with FIFA on the Underneath 20 World Cup in Colombia again in 2011. After which all of a sudden we had these 10 locations having promised the world to FIFA concerning the high quality worldwide expertise we had been going to deliver them. We definitely needed to paddle very fairly quick and ensure we acquired them.

Andrew: How did you do it?

David: That was good. Now, it seems to be again very bootstrapping, very scrappy. Arrange a . . . No, it was ridiculous. I had a kind of one web page PDF saying, “4 weeks advertising and marketing internship with FIFA, Spanish faculty within the mornings in Columbia. Whole value of the whole lot, together with lodging, Spanish courses, all of the logistics, £1500. Should you’re , please, reply to this.” After which I interviewed the folks after which it kind of transferred to diamonddave2000@hotmail.com PayPal account.

Andrew: Was that actually your factor?

David: It was ridiculous. It was actually my title, and it was ridiculous. It was zero credibility, nevertheless it was wonderful. We acquired greater than 100 candidates. We acquired some good college students making use of.

Andrew: How? The place did they arrive from?

David: We had been posting on Fb teams of college college students. The very kind of, which is DIY guerilla or on-line advertising and marketing however kind of refusing to pay a penny, as a result of we don’t have a penny.

Andrew: Was FIFA paying you for them?

David: No.

Andrew: No. The cash would simply come from the scholars?

David: Sure.

Andrew: And also you had been going to tackle the lodging for them too?

David: Sure, manage them.

Andrew: So that you had been going to assist them discover their location or manage the situation . . .

David: We had been going to rearrange their lodging.

Andrew: Accumulate cash from them after which pay their landlord.

David: Sure.

Andrew: Wow. That doesn’t appear to be there’d be that a lot cash, if you happen to’re charging, let’s say $4000, and it’s a, what? Six-month internship, four-month?

David: It’s anyplace from 4 weeks to 6 months. It’s at all times on the alternative of the scholars.

Andrew: Let’s say six months, even when it’s a bed room inside a shared home, which is what you do, a shared residence, that’s nonetheless not leaving a lot cash for lease.

David: Yeah. We’ve got rivals who cost way over this.

Andrew: Did you make cash at first?

David: The place we worthwhile at first? The reply is, no. However due to the way in which the enterprise mannequin is, it is rather optimistic for money stream since you receives a commission for the whole lot upfront. So you may really be making . . .

Andrew: The scholars pay upfront after which it takes you some time to pay for the lodging. Obtained it.

David: Precisely. So we had been capable of preserve going for a very long time with that.

Andrew: Now, are you able to make cash that approach, $4000 for a six month internship?

David: The costs change in accordance with the length and the vacation spot.

Andrew: Obtained it. So that you make it possible for pad it . . . Nicely, that you’ve sufficient cash to cowl their length, cowl the opposite stuff that you just give them.

David: Precisely.

Andrew: What else did they need? Had been they excited concerning the Spanish courses?

David: Once more, not as excited as I believed they’d be or as I’d hoped they’d be. Now, we really don’t embody that as commonplace. We embody it as non-obligatory.

Andrew: What had been they enthusiastic about that you just didn’t anticipate?

David: Not anticipate, I did anticipate it however the extent to which college students immediately deal with employability even took me abruptly. I skilled firsthand, simply how helpful this expertise was for my very own employability. I leveraged my time overseas in Argentina, despite the fact that it was advertising and marketing with Rolex to get my job within the metropolis. Merrill Lynch was actually impressed by that. They’re used to kind of economics majors from Cambridge College, finest grades, and this helped me stand out. So I knew the employability was nice. However what took me abruptly was simply how a lot deal with the employability. So then we began to include résumé writing workshops, the best way to leverage worldwide internship expertise to do job search.

Andrew: Are you doing that onsite?

David: Onsite.

Andrew: So onsite, no matter metropolis you’re working in, you’ve acquired anyone who’s going to sit down down together with your college students, together with your interns, in individual?

David: Sure.

Andrew: And say, “Your resume may use this enchancment. Right here’s how you could possibly . . . ” How can they leverage an internship to get one other job? What’s tip?

David: What’s an important tip for that? A fast tip can be, at all times on the resume clarify metropolis and site the place they completed the internship, particularly when it’s overseas. We had been seeing many college students make that fundamental error of kind of . . . It was nearly unattainable to see that their finance internship they completed was in Hong Kong. That was simply fundamental advertising and marketing.

Andrew: Sure, that stands out a lot, that one title, Hong Kong subsequent to . . . Such as you having an internship at Merrill Lynch, wherever you might be and no matter metropolis you’re in and town the place you . . .

David: Annapolis, let’s say, Maryland.

Andrew: . . . versus Hong Kong. Obtained it.

David: Precisely. Issues like that which will be very fundamental. When there’s many issues which are very fundamental akin to that, the cumulative impact is huge.

Andrew: I’m going to speak about my sponsor. I acquired to let you know, I freaking love your corporation. After which I’ll come again and let you know why I used to be informed to not . . . That I in all probability didn’t wish to interview you.

The primary sponsor is an organization known as HostGator. It’s for internet hosting web sites. WordPress is a one-click set up with them. How freaking well-connected is it to your story? You’ve acquired this enterprise that’s extremely profitable, bootstrapped, worthwhile rising. I shouldn’t preserve banging my hand like this, proper, Devon? Each time I discuss, I’ve to hit issues.

Should you marvel why I’ve the beads on my wrist, it’s as a result of I can’t sit nonetheless. But when I had the beads, I may simply lie quietly beneath the desk, transfer the beads. I received’t hit my . . . I’ll do yet one more time.

David: There you go. Hit away.

Andrew: It’s so easy. Should you go to hostgator.com, frankly, if you happen to go to different WordPress internet hosting websites, you may with one-click set up WordPress, get a theme, tremendous inexpensively or free. Do you keep in mind your theme, what the primary one was?

David: No, however it will have been an off-the-shelf one.

Andrew: That’s what I had too. Mine was by Brian . . . I’m blanking on his title . . . Brian Gardner. I thanked him years late. Truly, I thanked him on a footer of the positioning after which years later, I acquired to speak to him as a result of he was on Mixergy and he constructed a extremely phenomenal enterprise simply promoting the themes. The primary theme was free from him. You don’t need to spend some huge cash. You simply have to start out after which you may construct and construct and construct, the way in which that you just did.

And so if you happen to’re on the market and also you’re listening to me and also you haven’t began a web site, go to HostGator. One-click set up, you get WordPress. Neglect it, you’re completed. Simply begin engaged on your corporation. If you have already got a internet hosting firm and also you hate it, go to HostGator. That is actually good internet hosting.

Now, inevitably that is what I see from folks. They might tweet at me and say, “Andrew, I’ve acquired this different internet hosting firm. It’s a lot better.” And the a lot better is so incrementally completely different that who provides a rat’s ass besides somebody who’s enjoying enterprise, proper? Like, who cares? Like you could possibly are available right here and say, “Andrew, I like your resort, it’s a good looking resort,” or you could possibly say, “There’s a resort down the road that’s acquired free water as a substitute of pay one within the room.” The true enterprise individual does give a rat’s ass, cease overthinking it.

Go to HostGator proper now. While you go to hostgator.com/mixergy you get the bottom worth that they make obtainable. You additionally get tagged as considered one of our folks, which implies my loud mouth, which is likely to be a bit overbearing when somebody’s beneath the climate, is very nice if you ever have a difficulty with the corporate as a result of we’ll go to bat for you, hostgator.com/mixergy. Low worth, nice internet hosting firm, scale your corporation up. They’ll do nice by you. I like them.

All proper. The mannequin was beginning to come collectively, at what level? At what level do you know, “That is working. That is my enterprise, it’s my future”?

David: Three years after beginning. The primary three years I used to be continuously considering or having self-doubt, “What on earth am I doing? Is that this really going to work?” It was about three years after beginning that I spotted, “Yeah, that is going to positively work.”

Andrew: So three years. I feel eight months into your corporation you bought into Begin-Up Chile, am I proper?

David: Right.

Andrew: So let’s discuss that after which why that didn’t change the trajectory extra dramatically. How did you discover out about Begin-Up Chile?

David: From my Argentine lawyer.

Andrew: Wait, you had an organization in Argentina?

David: No, I didn’t. The corporate that I labored at in Argentina, the boss of it, I made pals with him and his spouse, really now they’re separated, however his spouse on the time was a lawyer, and I used to be pals along with her as nicely. And when she knew I’d arrange this firm with pals on Fb, she mentioned, “Hey, it’s best to try Begin-Up Chile. There’s all of this funding obtainable.” Utterly random, however I checked out it and thought, “Hey, is that this some kind of con? It seems to be too good to be true. They simply provide you with $40,000 simply to be there.”

And at the moment and at that degree of assets, that age, the whole lot, $40,000 to me appeared kind of a big quantity.

Andrew: Yeah. After which, additionally they gave you workplace house, if I’m not mistaken?

David: Workplace house, visa, mentoring.

Andrew: Connection to different entrepreneurs.

David: Yeah.

Andrew: They usually had been doing this as a result of they needed to create an entrepreneurship tradition right here.

David: Precisely. And I feel additionally they needed to place Chile on the map as a pro-business surroundings.

Andrew: Are they pro-business? In some methods not, in some methods sure.

David: In some methods, sure, in some methods, no. However I feel what’s related for placing Chile on the map is it’s a relative factor. Should you take a look at Chile’s neighbors, Chile is so pro-business on a relative foundation, even when an absolute foundation, there are a lot of parts the place it could actually enhance.

Andrew: I solely have a foundation for Argentina. Argentina is basically harsh. They make it laborious to do enterprise with the remainder of the world, as a result of they really feel like in the event that they’re extra protectionist, they are going to preserve the remainder of the world from stealing their . . . that is my tackle it, from stealing their folks, stealing their cash, stealing their the whole lot, proper?

David: Precisely. So what a superb advertising and marketing technique for Chile to all of a sudden get itself featured within the press relentlessly, high tier press world wide relentlessly. And by this, I imply, it was a really low cost advertising and marketing ploy.

Andrew: Do you assume that’s why Nathan from Magma ended up right here?

David: That is Begin-Up Chile?

Andrew: Yeah.

David: Sure.

Andrew: It’s, proper, proper. As a result of he, I feel, was additionally a part of the plan after which he began a VC agency right here.

David: Precisely. He was the primary era of individuals dropped at Chile, and I used to be the second.

Andrew: And the way did you guys met?

David: Taking part in soccer, enjoying soccer.

Andrew: Obtained it. And so, that’s a part of what was in it for you too. The cash, the workplace house, the visa, the cheaper high quality of life than you might need in, the place for you was within the UK, for others, it will be of their hometown. And the truth that you get to satisfy different entrepreneurs who’re working such as you . . .

David: It was extraordinarily motivating in that we had been multi functional constructing, all working extraordinarily laborious kind of daybreak till nightfall. However that was extraordinarily thrilling to be surrounded by folks actually dedicated to pushing their concepts, attempting to take advantage of their potential. That was wonderful.

And one factor that kind of encompasses all of it up, which is analogous to what I promote now’s the sense of journey. Once I did this, I used to be 26. It couldn’t have been a greater age for this.

Andrew: Yeah. I used to be older and I nonetheless considered it, it was simply such an thrilling place to be. I like South America. Anyway, so why didn’t that change the enterprise extra dramatically?

David: It did. It did change it dramatically. It was in Begin-Up Chile that we turned cash-flow optimistic, even when in kind of a proper P&L, we weren’t worthwhile. It did change it dramatically. However I nonetheless wasn’t satisfied that this was going to work. It was solely at about three years after beginning that so many universities began saying, “Hey, we actually wish to incorporate international internships, internships overseas, as a part of our levels however we don’t have the time, assets to do it ourselves.” And I believed, “Hey, that is really a extremely nice mannequin, as a result of we is usually a huge assist to universities in doing that.”

Andrew: Oh, that makes plenty of sense. Working enterprise to enterprise is one thing that we overlook about as a result of we’re not enterprise prospects. So we consider ourselves as shoppers solely.

I’ll provide you with an instance. I used to be simply seeking to my notes for a second there and I noticed that there few folks had been speaking about the way you give your interns three months subscriptions to Talkspace. Talkspace is remedy through your telephone. I suppose it type of works to be a desktop, and never very nicely. I signed up with them. And also you discuss to an actual therapist through video chat or audio chat and also you textual content all through the week. The truth that you’re paying . . . You’re paying for it, proper?

David: Sure.

Andrew: The truth that you pay for that after which give it to folks, provides them entry to so many extra sufferers who’re additionally prospects by way of you, than they had been attempting to go after separately folks. And we don’t assume that approach.

David: Yeah, and that, I imply, extra folks ought to assume that approach.

Andrew: By the way in which, it’s an important profit so that you can supply somebody. They go to a special metropolis, give him somebody to speak to who is just not like in your staff or like a concierge or one thing, however who can really assist them assume by way of their points.

David: It’s essential. Should you take a look at the statistics of poor psychological well being incidences, that seems like a really long-winded approach of claiming, psychological well being issues are statistically and share smart considerably on the rise amongst school age inhabitants. In order that’s why we’ve included it. I imply, anybody who suffered psychological well being issues, I’ve for the document, you don’t wish to be by yourself in another country with nobody to talk.

Andrew: Are you able to be open about yours?

David: Yeah, yeah, I went by way of a interval of despair once I was about 19.

Andrew: What was that like?

David: Horrific.

Andrew: What do you imply? Are you able to be open about it? I really feel like once we discuss it, folks get impacted by it greater than different stuff.

David: Positive. It got here to me utterly surprising. It was triggered by very troublesome conversations I had with my father at the moment and assembly my seven half brothers and sisters within the house of three months.

Andrew: What was the troublesome dialog?

David: About why he wasn’t round once I was rising up. And the reply is weren’t very . . . The reply didn’t stack up, principally.

Andrew: And then you definately ultimately found he had a household on the facet.

David: Nicely, I knew that he had. I knew that he had.

Andrew: So then why didn’t he stick round in a approach that you just [needed 00:30:20]?

David: He may have been in contact with me. And that was why his reply didn’t stick up. He centered on the truth that he had one other household, who I’m not extraordinarily near, and now my reply was, “Nicely, you could possibly have nonetheless seen me.” And he reacted very, very badly, clearly, very defensively. That triggered a interval in me for about 18 months of maximum loneness.

Andrew: How did you escape of it?

David: How did I escape of it? I went to a therapist a few occasions every week.

Andrew: Did it assist?

David: It helped an important deal.

Andrew: What did the therapist do? I haven’t had despair however I’ve had durations in my life the place I used to be depressed, I suppose, or I felt caught. And for me it’s, I had such aspirations to take action a lot, why am I so low once I wish to be so excessive? And going to a therapist at all times made me really feel like they didn’t get my aspirations. They had been belittling them and attempting to get me to simply accept a traditional that was decrease than I might ever settle for. And ultimately, I might simply escape of it and really feel pissed off for having been with them in any respect.

David: That may be very irritating. I can solely talk about my expertise. And I feel I used to be very lucky to have a therapist that didn’t make me really feel like that.

Andrew: What did your therapist do?

David: What did they do?

Andrew: What was the method? Was it simply letting you discuss it by way of? Was it serving to you settle for your dad? Was it serving to you forgive or . . . ?

David: It was really conventional psychoanalysis.

Andrew: Oh, he did psychoanalysis.

David: Yeah.

Andrew: The place you sit and also you discuss endlessly about something.

David: Yeah, yeah. It was conventional psychoanalysis. And I discovered it extraordinarily useful. And that’s why that’s one of many the explanation why I used to be supportive of Talkspace, as a result of I feel for many individuals it’s extraordinarily useful, however there’s positively individuals who isn’t so looking forward to.

Andrew: I can see the way it helped you. I ponder how may you even have the time to do this? The issue with psychoanalysis is most individuals don’t have the hours.

David: Yeah. This was once I was a college pupil.

Andrew: So you continue to had that point.

David: I didn’t have a scarcity of hours.

Andrew: Let me ask you a private query, you’re anyone who I like your footwear, your shirt, it’s simply very, prefer it’s easy however I may inform it’s elegant and also you picked it out nicely. I like even like your beard. If I develop my beard, it seems to be terrible. So that you’re seeing the way in which that I’m recording right here, is it bizarre that I’ve these earphones in?

David: No. By no means.

Andrew: Give me like suggestions. Do you assume it takes away from the like calm of the dialog or the extra pure dialog, or is it the truth that there’s a tape recorder right here within the air?

David: No. I feel they’re very slick. I don’t even discover it.

Andrew: They’re okay. They’re not distracting. So, preserve them within the bundle that I am going.

David: [Keep the 00:33:34] interview so that you just get a move. I’ve seen them.

Andrew: They type of assist me earlier and simply once I was considering I don’t really want them, I don’t know if you happen to seen it, my lavalier fell off and this was like pointing in the direction of my stomach. Did you discover it?

Devon: Yeah.

Andrew: Devon, you probably did. And it was as a result of, sadly it was once I was occurring a protracted discuss, as a result of I seen some rustling right here in my earphones, I spotted, “Hey, there’s one thing in my mic. I’ll repair it.” And so I mounted it. So I prefer it. However I wish to know, is it ruining the dialog? It’s positively not ruining it.

David: By no means.

Andrew: Is it distracting? I don’t assume it’s both. Devon, you don’t assume so?

David: By no means. So I feel that’s the kind of factor the place in case your visitor doesn’t discover it, you’re doing nicely and I haven’t even seen them.

Andrew: Good, good. And I’ve acquired it type of hidden behind. All proper, I’m blissful about that.

Devon: [inaudible 00:34:17] distracting if you happen to missed one thing since you’re not [inaudible 00:34:19].

Andrew: Proper, proper. I don’t know if you happen to guys heard that, however is Devon saying, you’re proper, if I miss one thing just like the mic is just not working nicely as a result of I can’t hear it right here, that may be worse. I’m actually having fun with this in-person dialog. I’m actually having fun with the entire thing. I wish to do extra like this.

Let’s proceed, then. What was it that three years later allowed you guys to take action nicely? You’re saying three years after beginning was an enormous interval.

David: Sure. I might say, nearly purely by luck, about three years after beginning, 2014, increasingly universities world wide began coming to us saying, “We wish to incorporate your program in our diploma programs.” Beforehand, we had spent a lot of time knocking on doorways of universities, proactively saying, “Hey, incorporate us into the diploma program.”

Andrew: While you say knocking on doorways, you actually imply that you just went to universities and also you appeared for folks or was plenty of chilly e-mails and chilly calls?

David: Chilly e-mails, chilly calling.

Andrew: And that was you largely doing it?

David: At first, yeah.

Andrew: And so how would you get by way of to them and get a partnership with them?

David: So universities have a gradual gross sales cycle, which could not come as an enormous shock. So we began having success by attending massive schooling conferences world wide, schooling overseas conferences. And that continues to be a key a part of our technique.

Andrew: There are conferences only for educators, for establishments whose college students will wish to go overseas.

David: Right. And so I used to be simply at one final week for instance, in Denver with a few thousand contributors, a mix of universities and corporations like me. And all the universities have the identical title. They’re attempting to stand up the league tables, the rankings and one of many key elements within the rankings is, what share of your college students are having an overseas expertise? What share of your college students are doing worldwide analysis? How worldwide is your college?

And so universities, what we all of a sudden expertise, and that is when it goes again to, “When did you understand this was going to work?” universities began coming to us saying, “Hey, we have to enhance our figures if you happen to will help . . . ”

Andrew: As a result of it turned a brand new a part of their rating.

David: Or it was simply getting rising focus within the rankings, rising weighting within the rankings. So it’s type of fairly linked to globalization in a approach, which is I’m undecided if that’s an enormous danger or because it is likely to be. However yeah.

Andrew: You imply if the world decides, “We don’t care that a lot about our college students going internationally.”

David: That might massively harm us.

Andrew: That might harm you.

David: And in different methods, we’re tied massively to globalization. I imply, if visa legal guidelines change, we’re extraordinarily harm. So all the latest wave that took me abruptly within the final two to a few years is kind of anti-immigration, anti-globalist rhetoric. Nothing’s actually occurred but. However that’s the kind of danger on the horizon.

Andrew: Proper. I didn’t discover a lot of that both till I began touring like this. And authorities shutdown makes it more durable to go away. Once we had been initially, Devon and I had been considering of going to Mexico, there was a authorities shutdown. Are you able to get a visa . . . Not a visa. Are you able to get a passport renewed if there’s a shutdown? No, you need to wait. And so even these little hiccups imply a discount in folks’s capacity to maneuver. I get that.

All proper. Let me discuss my second sponsor after which come again in and look to see, you may see. I’m checking to see the place you’re getting your site visitors by SimilarWeb.

David: SimilarWeb, oh, we use them.

Andrew: You do? What you do with SimilarWeb?

David: Yeah. Certainly one of my perfect pals whose wedding ceremony I went to in Israel final yr works for them, and he satisfied me that it’s an important product evaluate to our competitors. There are a sponsor of you.

Andrew: No. You recognize what it was? I interviewed somebody who bought his firm to them. He talked to the founder and he mentioned, “You bought to offer Andrew a free account.” They usually’re probably not massive on giving free jack. They’re not.

David: They’re definitely not. They didn’t give me a free account.

Andrew: They gave me entry to some issues that then gave me the flexibility to go analysis visitors. However till I acquired it, I didn’t perceive why anybody would care. As a result of in my thoughts, I used to be nonetheless fascinated by the outdated, I suppose I shouldn’t say “Alexa” out loud however that, as a result of now it’s a speaker and each time I say the title, folks’s audio system go off of their houses.

However I used to be evaluating it to these piece of rubbish analytics firms who don’t provide you with perception. This does. You will have a subscription right here since you wish to spy in your competitor.

David: Utterly. Yeah.

Andrew: And what have you ever realized from them? As a result of what you could possibly inform is the place are folks getting their site visitors, what’s the highest pages on their web site, proper?

David: Yeah.

Andrew: What did you be taught, with out giving a selected competitor?

David: We realized utterly new advertising and marketing channels.

Andrew: Like what? I noticed the smile. You don’t wish to inform me. Okay.

David: Yeah. We simply realized utterly new advertising and marketing channels that a few of our rivals had been utilizing, and no level reinventing the wheel.

Andrew: Proper. So if you happen to see this isn’t true for you, however if you happen to see that your rivals are getting plenty of site visitors from LinkedIn and also you consider LinkedIn because the place to simply put up a resume and also you understand, “No, now that is . . . ”

David: That’s a advertising and marketing channel and the way on earth have they unfold that and I used to be not? Let’s get this rolling.

Andrew: Do you ever take a look at the place folks’s high pages are and understand, “Oh, yeah.” You do, proper?

David: Yeah.

Andrew: Seeing the smile in your face, when you get this you completely get it. And most of the people don’t.

David: It’s nice.

Andrew: I’ve had so many conversations with visitors, after I end an interview they go, “How do you know that?” Considering I’m like a dick, assume I’m a jerk, who went and talked to somebody on their staff, which generally I do. After which they hear about this. I do a display screen share they usually go, “Oh, that is wonderful.”

David: What an important instance of Israeli startup scene as nicely, good.

Andrew: They’re. And I can’t even let you know publicly what it’s about them that’s an important instance of it as a result of I used to be informed in personal. However it’s, it truly is. Like the place they get their knowledge. Let’s discuss. I don’t have a difficulty I didn’t promise them confidentiality, not about . . . not particularly.

All proper. I’ll discuss my second sponsor. My second sponsors is an organization known as Toptal. Are you aware Toptal?

David: Sure.

Andrew: You do. What are you aware about that? How are you aware them?

David: While you informed me earlier. I didn’t know them earlier than.

Andrew: Oh, that’s it. Okay. I believed possibly you had an expertise with them. Right here’s what they’re. They’re an organization the place you rent builders. I talked to just lately Hiten Shah the founding father of KISSmetrics. I interviewed him about why KISSmetrics closed up. And it was type of attention-grabbing after which he mentioned, “I employed from Toptal.” I mentioned, “Hiten, you bought a killer community of builders who come to you for recommendation, the individuals who rent builders who come to you for recommendation, you could possibly have simply gone to your community. Why did you go to Toptal?” He mentioned, “It’s the matcher.” He really didn’t name the matcher. He gave it some title as a result of he couldn’t keep in mind what it was. They name it internally the matcher.

A matcher is if you go to toptal.com/mixergy, you press that button, you get connected with a name with somebody who understands the event course of and the hiring course of. You simply discuss to them, say, “Right here’s what I’m considering of hiring. Right here’s the way it works.” After which they assist form who you’re attempting to rent and the kind of individual, the sort place. After which they are going to say, “I’ve acquired folks. Give me a few days.” Truly, they at all times overshoot, I don’t know why, possibly they get rewarded for beating their estimates. So they could say, “Give me two weeks or give me every week.” And some days later, a minimum of is my expertise, you find yourself with a bunch of builders. Truly a bunch is an exaggeration, you’ll find yourself with possibly two or three.

They curate them. They arrive again and say, “Listed here are the 2 or three that we predict you’re going to love, based mostly on the way in which you’re employed, based mostly on all this different stuff.” You get on a name with them. They instantly will schedule a name with them. You interview them. Should you like, you may usually get began inside a day or two with these builders. And we’re speaking about better of the perfect builders.

All proper. Hiten Shah signed up with them. So many different folks I’ve interviewed signed up with them. And if you wish to rent the perfect of the perfect builders, they are surely phenomenal, go to toptal.com/mixergy. It’s best to preserve that in thoughts for your self.

David: Precisely. Can I ask a query about that?

Andrew: Sure.

David: The place are the builders situated?

Andrew: They’re all around the world.

David: Good, as a result of we’re really exactly searching for that proper now.

Andrew: The place? Are you searching for a selected place?

David: We weren’t, however we had been . . . Value is an element, so we wish to choose . . .

Andrew: That’s the factor. It’s like Silicon Valley degree builders, however they’re in different international locations.

David: And that’s very interesting.

Andrew: And actually, even Toptal makes a extremely massive level of the individuals who work with them on the whole lot to be worldwide. I employed somebody to assist me with Mixergy who mentioned he acquired to journey the world whereas working with Toptal. The one factor is he acquired to indicate up for particular telephone calls at particular occasions. In order that’s not essentially true together with your firm. You may resolve you’re all Slack or, no matter. Are you Slack?

David: We’re Slack.

Andrew: Proper. So that you may resolve, “I don’t care after they present up, simply be on Slack and be obtainable.” Anyway. So sure, they’re very massive on being worldwide.

Should you’re seeking to rent a developer, go to toptal.com/mixergy. It’s best to preserve that URL too as a result of if you happen to use it, you’re going to get 80 hours of Toptal developer credit score if you pay to your first 80 hours. You’re additionally going to get this risk-free trial interval. Principally, if you happen to don’t find it irresistible, you don’t need to pay. However don’t fear, they’re nonetheless going to pay the developer. In order that they’re not screwing the developer simply because you’ve got a foul expertise with them.

Go for extra particulars at toptal.com/mixergy. I discuss too quick so I’ll spell it, T-O-P-T-A-L.com/M-I-X-E-R-G-Y.

Okay. Have a look at this. Oh, I see why. High vacation spot web site for you is Hipmunk for planning journey, I’m guessing.

David: Yeah.

Andrew: I’m guessing. That’s in accordance with SimilarWeb. That’s one of many high ones. Instagram is a high vacation spot. An enormous site visitors supply to be used on Fb. What are you guys doing on Fb that’s massive?

David: Slightly Fb advertisements, however they’ve change into much less environment friendly just lately.

Andrew: Which means value more cash and also you’re not getting the identical sort of individual?

David: Yeah.

Andrew: I’m discovering that too.

David: If Fb advertisements had been good, again in about 2015, now we’re fairly sad.

Andrew: I nonetheless will get numbers, it prices extra, which okay. However it’s not the identical high quality. I ponder why.

David: Yeah, possibly a replica, pretend accounts.

Andrew: Possibly you assume it’s one thing like that?

David: I feel it may very well be a contributing issue. I imply, there’s an enormous quantity of controversy about that. Yeah.

Andrew: I believed it was as a result of they weren’t concentrating on as nicely as a result of they’re proscribing what they might get entry to.

David: That sounds additionally extraordinarily believable.

Andrew: I additionally assume that it was plenty of competitors. What’s channel now that you just’re prepared to speak about?

David: An excellent channel now’s a third-party evaluate web site.

Andrew: Yeah, I used to be simply it proper now, goabroad.com is massive for you.

David: Which is principally the TripAdvisor of our trade.

Andrew: Yeah. Is it owned by TripAdvisor? It is likely to be.

David: No, no, no. It’s not. They’re privately owned. They’re nice site visitors sources for us.

Andrew: I see, GoAbroad, LLC, that’s an enormous one. And the schools, the partnerships with them, that was massive. Is there every other partnership that you can imagine that helps?

David: Yeah, authorities partnerships. The New Zealand authorities, we’re companions with the New Zealand authorities. They’ve one thing known as the Prime Minister’s Scholarship the place they totally fund dozens of scholars yearly to do our program. And we’re seeing extra governments world wide wanting to duplicate that.

Andrew: So that you go to the governments or the governments come . . . how do you get that relationship?

David: They really approached us, however now we wish to method different governments leveraging them similar to with universities, we’re companions with some actually first-class universities world wide. It’s at all times simpler to get extra universities when you’ve acquired a few good names.

Andrew: You recognize what, David? I used to be attempting to get a way of like what your content material advertising and marketing is like. Do you really create plenty of content material that brings folks into your web site? I can’t inform.

David: We do. We do to our weblog.

Andrew: So the weblog then is when individuals are searching for worldwide internships, that brings site visitors to you, provides you credibility. After which in the event that they’re a authorities, they could accomplice up with you, a college, they could accomplice up with you and college students enroll.

David: Sure.

Andrew: These first college students who signed up as a result of they needed to be part of FIFA, you continue to collected their contact data. I feel you had 14 positions, 100 plus candidates, proper?

David: Yeah.

Andrew: So 86+ folks didn’t get the job. Did you then use that listing as a approach of bringing one other partnership?

David: Not at the moment however sooner or later we did. We had been capable of do Fb advertisements, which had been good on the time, kind of seem like audiences, issues like that.

Andrew: Should you get, not 100, however if you happen to get just a few thousand folks you can begin searching for individuals who would really like them and Fb was . . .

David: Yeah, it was good, Fb advertisements, 4 years in the past had been spectacular.

Andrew: Why do you guys have a Skype hyperlink on the underside of your web site?

David: That’s simply to talk with our admissions staff.

Andrew: ou have a staff of people that man Skype?

David: We do, it’s our admissions staff. We’ve got about 10 full-time people who find themselves 24/5 interviewing college students from world wide for our program. They usually’re nonetheless doing it through Skype.

Andrew: So if anyone desires to . . . I acquired it. okay. I’m with you on that. All proper.

Let’s discuss seems to be. Truly, let’s discuss concerning the factor that I discussed, is extra enterprise related from seems to be. You might be excellent at speaking your self, your message and your organization’s message to the press. The place did you be taught that? How did you get good at that? I’m wanting right here. Yeah, I do know I noticed it. It’s bizarre that now you may see what I’m doing. Often, I might simply do that and the visitor wouldn’t see it.

But when I am going to the press part of your web site, it’s simply infinite scrolling. Proper?

David: Yeah.

Andrew: I suppose builders name this lazy loading, it simply will carry on loading on a regular basis. This isn’t happenstance.

David: To reply your query, I feel fairly a little bit of it was simply naturally, I’m respectable at speaking. However I feel probably the most related factor is once more it’s that concept of domino, after having had a few media presences, acquired expertise doing that after which felt a lot much less nervous. The primary ever time I used to be in entrance of the digicam I cringe once I take a look at it now, as a result of I used to be so painfully awkward and embarrassing. And that I feel is identical for anybody. However when you get used to it, as soon as you’re feeling comfy, then you definately enhance naturally.

Andrew: Yeah, I acquired my first one. I even did media coaching. Media coaching is nice. They present you the best way to get your message clearly throughout to folks, the best way to redirect when the query isn’t what you need. They do plenty of that. What they don’t do is, get you comfy in entrance of the digicam as a result of they don’t put you in entrance of the digicam sufficient they usually put you in entrance of the digicam with polished folks, so that you at all times really feel inferior.

I really assume going to the worst podcaster conceivable is a extremely good a part of media coaching since you really feel superior, which brings you out as a conversationalist and then you definately do it just a few occasions, you understand, “Okay, the following one who’s actually good, your thoughts does it know that you just’re switching to somebody who’s actually good.” You simply go together with what you’ve been educated to do.

David: No, I didn’t do any media coaching.

Andrew: You didn’t do media coaching in any respect?

David: No.

Andrew: I extremely advocate it. I don’t know that you just want it. However nonetheless, you didn’t do any media outreach this USA Weekly . . . I don’t know what USA Weekly is. However this Forbes article was not you going to the author who is likely to be a buddy and asking him to put in writing about you. “The Wall Avenue Journal” article is, the place did this come from?

David: So being utterly clear, the primary six years of our existence we by no means had a PR firm or something. So issues just like the Monetary Occasions, CNN, that was really my outreach, private outreach.

Andrew: Discuss to me about how you probably did it. Now, it’s the PR company who’s doing it.

David: Positive. And now within the final couple of years we’ve a PR company.

Andrew: Inform me how you probably did that.

David: So I from an early stage thought, “How can I get the phrase out about my enterprise?” As a result of, I imply, schooling is all about credibility and belief. How will you display credibility and belief? Nicely, massive press names nonetheless have a degree of belief and credibility, the likes of Monetary Occasions, the likes of CNN. So I used to be considering, “How can we get featured in one thing like this in a bootstrapped approach?” And Begin-Up Chile was a possibility. I believed, “Hey, that is an attention-grabbing thought. Here’s a story a few authorities, South American authorities, sounds unique, freely giving $40,000, and simply saying all you need to do is reside within the South American unique paradise. Why don’t I try to name just a few journalists saying, ‘Unique South American authorities seeking to fund no-track document entrepreneurs.’”

And I had a buddy working within the press, who similar to individuals who work within the press have, they’ve databases of a lot of journalists and I known as about 30 of the largest title newspapers.

Andrew: Dialed.

David: Dialed.

Andrew: And it wasn’t my firm.

David: No.

Andrew: It was, “Chile is doing this attention-grabbing factor. I wish to let you know about it as somebody who’s part of it.”

David: 100%, and I knew, and even now, I knew that the probabilities of a journalist simply eager to do a narrative about my, at that stage, zero schooling firm was extraordinarily unexciting. Nevertheless, that is an attention-grabbing story.

Andrew: That is . . .

David: That’s the one. That’s the one.

Andrew: That is the one.

David: That’s the one. It was the again web page of the FT.

Andrew: Let me assist people who find themselves listening.

David: Positive.

Andrew: I went to the Web Wayback Machine, and I discovered your outdated press web page, and certain sufficient, at first the articles, the manufacturers of the publications you had been in had been featured increased in your web site, I feel, than they’re immediately. And sure, I instantly went to this Monetary Occasions article, and this was on the again web page of the Monetary Occasions?

David: Yeah.

Andrew: And that is you calling the Monetary Occasions, simply randomly, coldly.

David: Precisely, I chilly known as about 30 of the largest press within the UK. And my journalist pals, who mentioned, “Hey, the possibility of you getting featured in something is basically small. So it’s best to simply name all the ones that you just’d like to be featured in and if you happen to get featured, wonderful. However it’s going to be fairly a crapshoot.” And a little bit of luck got here off, the one which I most needed to be featured in was the primary ever time I attempted. It was newbie’s luck.

Andrew: Did this allow you to get prospects?

David: You recognize what? I don’t consider . . . It did assist us to get prospects.

Andrew: However not within the sense that folks noticed you, known as you and mentioned, “I want an internship for my child.”

David: Precisely. I feel it helped us get prospects, and exactly what I needed it from the start, which was credibility. So individuals who had been occupied with our program, individuals who had been occupied with doing an internship overseas thought, “Who’re these folks? How do I do know it’s not a rip-off?” It’s a query we nonetheless get requested lots, “Are you a rip-off?” Now we don’t get requested that very a lot. Why? As a result of folks can look by way of and see we’ve been featured relentlessly by credible folks.

Andrew: Sure. And I’ve acquired to say, we put down the media in some ways. Right here’s the place, I imply, I don’t know the Monetary Occasions course of a lot however there’s some high websites and information sources like CNBC. If I interview a visitor for CNBC and I ask them earlier than the interview, “Do you’ve got this? Can I affirm that?” And so forth, they’ll say, “Sure.” And in the event that they had been in CNBC, and the explanation I may inform after they had been on CNBC is, they’ve the info quick, they might not present me all of it however they’ve it quick as a result of CNBC calls for that they present it to them, to their producers privately.

The Monetary Occasions didn’t need to confirm any of your knowledge, they only needed to affirm that you just had been in Begin-Up Chile.

David: Yeah, precisely. However they did, exactly, as you’re saying, the CNBC . . .

Andrew: They known as NBC.

David: They did issues, they had been calling up Begin-Up Chile, checking that I wasn’t some charlatan, precisely.

Andrew: Proper. That’s invaluable.

David: As a result of they’re attempting to be high quality journalism.

Andrew: So I perform a little little bit of that. I might like to do extra. I might love to simply have a full time individual whose complete job is to be sure you are in Begin-Up Chile for instance. Now, I do know as a result of what I do as a shortcut is, I accomplice with somebody like Nathan. You name him Nate?

David: Yeah.

Andrew: I nonetheless can’t image him as a Nate. However does he seem like a 14 yr outdated, or a 20? He seems to be like he’s 22.

David: I imply, I feel that’s a really favorable photograph he’s nonetheless utilizing a few years later.

Andrew: You recognize, once I noticed him on video I am going, “This man is a enterprise capitalist?” I feel he grew a bit little bit of a beard to look older.

David: He’s utilizing a photograph shamelessly. He seems to be about 10 years outdated.

Andrew: He may must take a brand new photograph. All proper. Okay. That does really then change the way in which that I see him. I ponder if that helps him that he’s youthful. I feel it will assist him if he was older. I wasn’t certain about him both. I wasn’t certain as a result of he did seem like he was a man who was simply beginning a brand new web firm, you realize?

Okay, so I see how you bought in right here. That is good. And right here’s what you probably did that took me a very long time to understand. Most individuals assume, “I began this new firm. It’s going to vary the world. It already has some traction and prospects. So the media ought to cowl me.” The media doesn’t give a rat’s ass.

David: Utterly not.

Andrew: However there’s a broader development. I’m part of that broader development. I may illuminate the broader development, don’t even really feel like you need to use me. That’s massive. There this massive factor occurring. Don’t even really feel like you’ve got . . . I’m simply going to let you know about it, in your case the large factor occurring is Begin-Up Chile.

David: Spot on. And I later realized journalists name that method tagging.

Andrew: Tagging on to? Like no matter is massive, tag onto that?

David: Precisely, or a minimum of within the UK they name it tagging. That to me was type of widespread sense. I believed, “Who’s going to be occupied with an internship overseas firm?” Not that thrilling. What’s thrilling is unique South American nation giving $40,000 to random folks with no observe document.

Andrew: I really feel like I’ve realized lots from this dialog. I informed you that, you mentioned, “Andrew, how do I . . . How do I . . . ” What’s a win to your viewers? And I informed you, “Don’t preach at us, simply inform us your story and we’re going to be taught the message from it.”

So listed below are a few messages that I acquired. You inform me if I missed something that’s essential. Primary, we should always at all times be searching for who has our prospects. For Talkspace, you occur to have their potential prospects partnering up with you is healthier than going out for one more Fb advert that may deliver only one individual.

For you, partnering up with universities and now authorities, they’ve acquired your folks a lot better to accomplice with them, provides you credibility, allow them to do the advertising and marketing. Primary.

The second factor is, if you happen to’re going to advertise your self, don’t be afraid to name up a bunch of journalists, out of the blue. Higher, by the way in which, than simply sending mass e-mails, and too many individuals ship mass e-mails. Oh, there’s only one PR individual. She completely screwed up. She despatched me and a bunch of different journalists. She forgot to BCC us the way in which the dopey PR folks did. She did even dopier. She put us all within the “To” line accidentally. It was nice.

So it’s okay to do one-on-one, however tag onto one thing larger, a much bigger motion, a much bigger story. Should you’re simply even illuminating it and also you get talked about as an individual who did some a part of it, it’s sufficient. However possibly there’s an opportunity you get one thing larger, such as you acquired, which is the large article principally about you.

What else? Give me one different takeaway that I ought to get out of your story?

David: Initially, only a element on that second one. Be ready to be offended by journalists. I can’t let you know what number of occasions I acquired informed to F off or in politer language from journalists. You will have a skinny pores and skin, simply surrender.

Andrew: And they’ll simply say fuck off.

David: Precisely. They are going to.

Andrew: Simply depart me alone, why are you calling?

David: Bizarre story. I’m on a deadline, “The place did you get my quantity from?” One thing like that. Should you’re not ready to take a little bit of abuse, then, yeah, in all probability . . .

Andrew: Yeah, I may see being harm by that and saying, “Which means, I’m by no means going to get the Monetary Occasions once more. The man simply informed me to screw off.” Obtained it.

All proper. Some other, like one final thing that you’d inform your self?

David: Third factor I might say is, we’ve grown the corporate at all times fascinated by issues akin to expertise is international. It’s not simply location in extraordinarily excessive value areas. So fairly much like what you’re saying about Toptal. We discovered extremely proficient folks all around the world, usually in far cheaper places than London. And I feel these days, know-how lets you develop wonderful international firms with out simply paying excessive excessive prices simply since you need the consolation of seeing anyone subsequent to you in a excessive value location workplace.

Andrew: Yeah. I additionally discover that it sucks for time zones. That’s the one drawback.

David: Yeah.

Andrew: You’re fortunate, Chile is in a extremely good time zone. It’s an hour forward of New York.

David: Right.

Andrew: Which implies that you’re nearer to Europe. It additionally implies that you’re awake earlier than folks in New York get to work and earlier than folks in California get to work, provides you an enormous benefit.

David: Chile is an excellent place for doing enterprise with the U.S. Completely good place.

Andrew: Yeah, I agree. I discovered the identical factor about Argentina too. I additionally like how correct individuals are. For some motive you should have gotten in right here . . . had been you escorted in right here?

David: No. I definitely wasn’t.

Andrew: Sure, that was type of bizarre. However everybody else was escorted in right here. I’ve a difficulty they don’t simply say, “Yeah, you may get water upstairs.” They’ll care for you. I see folks strolling round in enterprise fits, even within the warmth. I like that correct work surroundings as a result of it means I’m going to be taken care of. I need different folks to care for these items that I want so as to undergo by way of my work to get to my artwork. It’s not even artwork. It’s similar to, it does take work. I needed to work evening to simply put together. I needed to do lots. I don’t wish to need to do the rest.

I find it irresistible. I beloved in Argentina. I’ll provide you with an instance. The web went out in Argentina. They didn’t say, “Andrew, it’s going to come back again up.” The best way they freaking did in Washington D.C. once I was there, the identical firm I rented from. The lady mentioned, “There’s one other workplace that we work with, Andrew. I known as forward as a result of I do know that’s essential to you. I known as forward and informed them to anticipate you. I do know that you just don’t communicate Spanish very nicely, Right here’s a post-it observe with what it’s best to inform the cab driver to go over there.” I am going over there. That they had the entire thing arrange for me. That’s . . . proper?

David: Good.

Andrew: That’s what we’re speaking about. Should you’re fascinated by South America and the outdated like stereotypical approach, you’re completely lacking out on what South America is like. There are extra correct than America.

David: Utterly.

Andrew: Proper? Okay. The web site is, the explanation I put it within the intro for you, it didn’t simply say Intern Group, it’s the interngroup.com. That’s the web site, for anybody who desires to go test it out. I extremely advocate folks go try your press part, as a result of I feel you’ve completed a superb job with that press part.

David: Thanks. It’s good to listen to it from anyone who is aware of.

Andrew: It helps lots. It helps lots. And I wish to thank the 2 sponsors who made this interview occur. The primary will host your web site proper. It’s known as HostGator. Verify them out at hostgator.com/mixergy. Don’t overthink issues, when you have a easy thought, simply put it on WordPress after which you could possibly construct from there. The great factor about HostGator is that they’re tremendous low cost, we’re speaking like a couple of bucks a month. So most individuals would then say, “Oh, that is possibly not proper for me. I’ve a much bigger . . . ” They are going to scale up with you. They simply lead with an affordable worth after which they’ll scale up with you. So go to hostgator.com/mixergy to enroll with them. If it’s worthwhile to rent builders do what so many entrepreneurs do, you’re in all probability going to do it.

David: Yeah, I’m going to look this afternoon.?

Andrew: Yeah. I’m not even saying go enroll, I’m saying go take a look at it. Go do the analysis, embody them. There’s nothing like Toptal. Everybody else will place your advert some place else or allow you to cull by way of all of your resumes. That’s not what Toptal is. Toptal will get you on with a developer super-fast and one who will blow your freaking thoughts. Or don’t enroll with them. In the event that they don’t blow your thoughts, don’t go for it. Verify them out if you wish to expertise them at toptal.com/mixergy.

And at last, I’m operating. I really feel like everybody now is aware of I’m operating a marathon. Most individuals will simply go quietly run the freaking marathon. I’m like, “I acquired a web site. I’ve a marathon. I’ve acquired a web site.” If you wish to go see it, sure, it’s hosted on HostGator. And it does make it extra of a factor. If you wish to go see it and observe alongside as I journey the world and run marathons on each continent, go to runwithandrew.com.

All proper. For a man who’s feeling beneath the climate, you probably did nice.

David: Good. Thanks. Are we nonetheless recording?

Andrew: We’re nonetheless recording. Do you wish to throw up? It will kill . . . Should you threw up proper now on digicam, take into consideration how many individuals would watch it.

David: I’ll try to keep away from that.

Andrew: All proper. Okay. Thanks a lot for doing this.

David: Thanks very a lot.

Andrew: We’re going to hit cease.

David: Cheers.

Andrew: Okay. Cheers, I imply, cheers.

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[tearosewater]

End of the year reflection

Hi, I’m doing this for me, but feel free to steal these questions (because I did anyway)

50 Year-End Reflection Questions

Sit down at your computer, or take out a notebook and a pen, and fill out the answers for the following year-end reflection questions:

1. The most important goal that I achieved this year was: Hell, I don’t even remember what my goals were. Which maybe is a good thing.

2. My biggest fitness accomplishment was: When I went hiking this past fall I went for 4 miles up a goddamn mountain and I felt great. 

3. My biggest career accomplishment was: I felt Amazon and found a job with a way better company that treats me well, with work I enjoy doing, and I actually have some upward mobility in. 

4. My biggest relationship accomplishment was: I think I worked on my temper a lot. One of my biggest issues is that I am very reactive and emotional, and when I argue with my boyfriend I tend to fly off at the handle. I tried a lot harder to control that lately and I think I did better. 

5. These are the skills I acquired this year: Got better at cross stitch. Got better at Korean. Got better at navigating NYC by myself. Got better at driving long distances. 

6. A big mistake that I made this year—and the lesson that I learned as a result—was: Don’t rely on other people to provide for you the life that you want. EVEN IF their intentions are pure, it could end up crashing down on you and you’re the only one who is going to suffer for it. 

7. An obstacle or a challenge that I overcame this year: My car getting totaled, ending up without a place to live, finding a new job. I got hit pretty hard in 2018. 

8. This year, I learned the following about myself: I am always going to be okay, even if I’m not okay. In the end, I always pull it together somehow. I don’t give myself enough credit for that. 

9. Here’s something I learned about other people: Kind of related to above. Even if someone is loving and kind and seems to have your best interest in mind, doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t let you down. 

10. This made me laugh the hardest this year: When Heather fell outside of the sushi restaurant and everyone saw her ( I feel bad but oh my god, I can’t even tell that story without laughing) When Jason was trying to teach me mahjong and somehow forgot that I’m white and can’t read Chinese. 

11. The most fun I had all year was: Drunken nights at Heather’s. KCON, California. 

12. My best memory of the year was: I think going to San Francisco by myself was a good memory. It had a lot of ups and downs but it was an adventure I won’t forget. 

13. My biggest regret of the year was: Again, relying on other people too much. 

14. My biggest disappointment of the year was: Not getting my little house on the farm. I know deep down its actually better I didn’t end up living there, but it was a nice fantasy for awhile. 

15. The books I read this year were: Lots more educational/spiritual stuff. 

16. My favorite movie of the year was: A Quiet Place

17. A TV show I really enjoyed watching this year was: I don’t really watch TV

18. I really enjoyed this live performance (concert, play, musical, or dance performance): I actually went to quite a few shows this year and they were all great. KCON was cool because I finally got to experience a show with multiple Kpop artists. Dumfoundead was fantastic because it was intimate and the crowd was great and I was drunk and Heather and I had a blast. Panic! at the Disco because we had amazing seats. Monsta X as usual. 

19. Here’s a song I listened to over and over again this year: Love Scenario. I don’t know what it is about this song, it’s so simple, but it puts me in such a good mood and I can’t help but sing along.

20, This is something I wish I hadn’t bought this year: Nothing comes to mind. 

21. This is the best thing I bought all year: Plane tickets and concert tickets.

22. Someone I really enjoyed spending time with this year was: Jason. Lame, sorry, but we have a lot of fun together. 

23. I adopted this new positive habit:  Controlling what I eat so as to not aggravate my gallstones, and learning more about my body in the process.

24. I dropped this negative habit: I am a lot better about clutter

25. One time I stood up for myself this year was: Toward the end of the year I realize how much people were taking advantage of my kindness and willing to put them first, so I started saying no more. 

26. The scariest thing I went through this year was: I guess not knowing where my future was going.

27. A really cool thing I created this year was: I did a lot more cross-stitch and the big project I did for my friend’s birthday was pretty cool.

28. My most common mental state this year was: My emotions are always all over the place. 

29. Here’s how I grew emotionally this year: I think I became more self-reliant, just by nature of being let down by so many people. I was already fairly independent but this year tested my limits of just figuring things out on my own. 

30. Here’s how I grew spiritually this year: I became a lot more in-tune with my spiritual practices, rituals, and how I want them incorporated into my life. 

31. The best gift I received this year was: Tickets to KCON ^^

32. The nicest thing someone did for me this year was: I can’t name a specific thing but Jason, as always, has been there for me and always makes sure I’m taken care of.

33. The nicest thing I did for someone else this year was: I mean, lets be real, my best friend wouldn’t have had her dream home if it weren’t for all my time, money, and help  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

34.  I showed real gumption this year when I: Had to look for a new job. Also cut all my hair off.

35. If I could change one thing about this year it would be: Not putting all of my eggs in one basket and having a better back-up plan.

36. A new food/dish I tried this year was: Capers

37. This year my physical health was: MUCH better than last year. I only got sick once and it was a very subtle. Overall I was in good health and exercising regularly. 

38. Here’s a new friend I made this year: I met a Tumblr friend in person this summer! ^^

39. This year I traveled to: Las Vegas, NYC, New Jersey, Washington D.C,  Maryland, San Francisco, Hollywood. 

40. Here’s one adventure I had this year: Aforementioned SanFran trip, also Hollywood for the Christmas party and touristy stuff. 

41. One contribution I made to my community was: I often try to be involved in spreading awareness, donating clothing, giving money to charity,etc. 

42. This year I spent a lot of time here: The internet?

43. This year I broke out of my comfort zone by: Traveling alone. I’ve done the actual travel part by myself plenty of times, but this was the first time I wasn’t really meeting up or staying with anyone when I got there. 

44. A hobby I loved spending time on this year was: Cross-Stitch!

45. This year I practiced self-care by: Getting back into my skin routine, taking vitamins, meditating. 

46. My biggest time waster this year was: Tetris

47. Here’s a great time-saving hack I learned this year:  *shrug*

48. What I am most grateful for this year is: My loved ones being there for me, myself for keeping it together. 

49. Here are three words that would sum up this year: Chaotic, fun, eye-opening.

50. If I could travel back to the beginning of the year, here’s some advice I would give myself: Don’t rely on the fantasy, put yourself first. 

[wishingfornever]

10/5/17 – No Contact:  The Rerun Post

Currently, it’s 1 in the morning.  Just did the dishes.  Max’s food bowls were filthy.  Now they should be clean enough to use for water. Which will be great for him.  I guess I’ll stay up a bit longer. After all, it shouldn’t hurt.

I’ve been thinking of you lately.  A lot more then usual.  Not sure why.  As I was doing the dishes, you were all I could think about.  Was thinking about you earlier, too.  Back when it was still the fourth of October.  Shane messaged me when I was thinking about you.  I was so happy because I thought you messaged me. A bit disappointed, but I’m alright otherwise. My mood has been… less happy since I started thinking about you lately.  You’re probably not good for me.  Or I don’t like what’s happened to us or how it happened. Specifically how.  I want to give Dennis a piece of my mind for what he did.  Not just to you and me but to Shane and Jeremiah.  Maybe to Daniel.  He’s been pretty mean with everyone but you this entire time.  And with you, he’s basically sabotaging your life.  Not even being disingenuous, either.

I have more hair on my face since I started controlling my diet and exercising.  I haven’t missed a day since I got here which is saying something because I sometimes missed days back in CA.  Lassen might literally be cursed.

I should sleep now so if I wake up early enough I can get my chapter done.  I hate to say it but the exercising is kind of a hindrance. I’m starting to manage it better but I don’t have enough time during the day.  Worse yet, I promise Shane I’ll play video games with him.  I don’t want to play video games, I want to write my book and then read it and then edit it and then publish it! >< Fuck, I’m going to be busy.  When I’m finished with the book, I’m going to begin Rosetta Stone lessons. If you decide to come down, maybe you should take them to.  I think you’d be a beautiful bilinguist.  ;)

Still upset with all the things Dennis is doing.  He is protecting you, I’ll give him that, but the thing is he’s protecting you for his own wants and desires.  He doesn’t care about you.  And that’s a shame.  I encourage you to ask him anything of what you told him in idle chatter from weeks ago.  He won’t remember it in person.  Of course, he’ll say, “I’m sorry, I smoke a lot of pot” which is probably true.  However, he smokes less than you do. Yeah, I’ve learned a lot.  Like how someone saw him with your phone while you were getting super high.  He said, “Oh, didn’t realize it was hers” and walked off.  I won’t tell you who because then that’ll be even more drama if you do read this.  Just know he isn’t the most trustworthy.  Besides, I was asked not to tell you.  So, I guess I can’t tell you…  Not even in the journal.  :/ Maybe I will.  Or maybe you won’t ask because you already know. Difficult to keep things secret in such a small house. Then again, I revealed Shane’s thing… Ugh…  I’m a bad friend. >< Whatever.  I’ll be more mindful now.  Shane actually asked who I told that.  Did I tell you?  Yeah, seems Dennis thought Shane was talking shit about him when I told Daniel that Dennis was STILL talking shit about me.  Yeah, Dennis is paranoid as fuck. Might be the pot.  It’s probably the pot. Whatever… not my problem.  It’s yours.  Again, if you decide to come back I’ve spoken to Adela.  And I decided to check places where you can get a GED and there were several nearby. We could DEFINITELY take you in. Thing is, Adela is hesitant.  Not because of what’s happened.  Mostly because I think this isn’t temporary, at least not in comparison of what we were before.  And she does intend to have family over.  And other.  If you’re here, we might have to find an apartment. I kind of don’t want to.  Not because I don’t want to live on my own but because then I’ll have to invest in a BUNCH of fucking shit and I intend to move out of the country, with or without you.  Yeah, that’s right.  Even if you’re here, I still intend to leave the country. With or without you.  Again, I have my own ambitions.  I’d like you to be there with me but I’m not holding my breath.  Even if we do meet up again, I’m not expecting you to move out of the country with me. Probably not what you meant when you said “Moving on.” Moving on isn’t a relationship thing for me. It’s a life thing.  I’m focusing ENTIRELY on my life right now. My life doesn’t need you in it to continue.  It doesn’t need anything but food, water, and shelter.  But, that’s minimalist. I’d like to have a TV.  To have internet.  To have you. Speaking of you, I’m backtracking a little.  Shane called you a whore.  I was uncomfortable with that.  You called yourself a whore.  I’m uncomfortable with that.  I wish people were more respectful towards you.  You’re not a whore.  It was one person.  Big fucking deal, the problem isn’t volume but context.  Dennis is a piece of shit. You are gullible but you’re not a whore. If you call yourself a whore around me, I’m going to lecture you.  Stop it.

Sorry, that really bothers me.  I really shouldn’t care, but I’ve invested in your image.  I’m going to protect it.  -,-

Speaking of image, you can continue your porn here.  That’d be nice.  Nicer. If I lose a bunch of weight, I’ll be more comfortable being in your porn.  Ironically, I haven’t seen any porn since I left. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve fapped but my problem is I was thinking of you.  I fap to my memories.  ><

That’s okay.  Less viruses and malware that way.

I miss you.  My mood has soured a little bit, but I don’t have time to be pulled down.  Next week, I’ll be getting a job.  It’s already thursday.  UGH!!!  Dammit.  I need to redo my resume.  And I’ll have to wake up and go to work.  I’ll also need to measure the time it takes me to walk there.  Not jog.  Walk.  I don’t want to be sweaty and smelly before I start a shift.  I’ll be there a while, I don’t want to be miserable or self-conscious.

Oof. There is so much potential in life right now.  There is so much happening in life right now.  Maybe too much life.  As in I appreciate Shane being super chill, but FUCKING HELL, Arma 3 is fucking hard and that’s what we’ve been playing.  Like… it’s a time waster.  Can’t afford to waste time, I say as I write this and have a youtube video playing in the background.

I’m going to bed as soon as the dishes are done.  Once they’re over, I’m going to fill up Max’s water bowl.  Adela won’t have to do it when she gets up.  She’ll appreciate it.  Then I’ll put away the dishes.  Guess what I brought with me?  Our cups.  Oh, wait.  I told you.

I think I’ve been repeating myself.  I’m tired so I’m using that as an excuse.  It’s almost 2.  I started the dishes before midnight.  Need a shower.  Then bed. Tomorrow, I’ll do laundry.  I left one of my soap bottles in CA but there was one here still with stuff in it.  I’ll have to text my mom and ask her. I’ll probably pick it up when I come back for my truck.  Oh, that’d save us some weight too.  So I can just bring a week’s worth of clothing.  Or… we could, if we go back together.  That’d be nice. I promised you a road trip.

Oh, look at that.  I’m repeating myself again.  Oof.

Anyways, on the way back we can go to Amarillo and we can see my old apartment.  I left a lot of stuff there.  I had to because my dad rushed me.  I had no time and it wouldn’t fit.  We can’t go in, obviously…  Also, we’ll get a room there.  There is an old friend who wants to meet up for dinner.

Don’t be jealous, but it’s a she.  We might have more than dinner.  Hope you don’t mind.  Then there is a friend in Quincy near Susanville who wants to meet up for something similar.  Hope you don’t mind again.  And of course we’ll have to go to Dallas next.  We might meet my friend there.  He’s a guy.  So we might meet up for dinner. Then fuck.  I know you won’t mind.  ;) Kidding.  Ariel was invited to Dallas though.  Another piece of excrement who is just trying to get online puss.  She has a million offers a day.  She considered taking it because I’m in Texas.  I told her I’d have to bring my truck for that, so she’s holding off.

Got a lot of woman wanting to meet up right now and I’m unsure why. And by a lot I mean 3 total.  You’re not a part of them, obviously, because… events.  But you encouraged me to sleep with all the women I wanted.  Sort of how the relationship began.  You remember those sort of events and I said no to it.  Now after the new events, you think you’ll let me sleep with whomever I want again? Probably not.  Not unless you get an open relationship privileges too and if we started again we’d have to work towards it.  Hell, I probably will tell you there is no chance in hell after what’s happened.

You’re probably reading that saying, “I wish I didn’t come back for him!” assuming you did come to Houston, but too bad.  After what’s happened and how you’ve treated me, I think you’ve lost that privilege.

I know that’s not what you want to see, but understand that I know what was wrong.  I’m aware.  Things will change.  If you decide to give me another chance, you won’t need to.  Trust me on that.  Our relationship will be better the next time round.

Again, that’s assuming you trust me with another chance.  Not holding my breath.  Doubt you’d even read this, tbh.  Again, not my concern. If I stop caring to the point where I email it to you, know that you don’t have a chance in hell.  Unlike other men, I will tell you no. To me, your body is NOTHING.  To everyone else?  Your looks are the only feature they care about.  I assure you, if you were a disgusting, ugly woman then Dennis wouldn’t have done what he’s done.

Good looks are a curse to women.  I see why some muslim women prefer the burka.  Don’t know how to spell it.

It’s so hard to get judged fairly.  Especially as a woman.  You don’t need me, a man, to tell you this.  But I do sympathize.  I’m not like other guys.  You know I’m not because you had to chase me rather than I chase you.

Thing is, you’ve made a lot of promises that you never kept.  Simple promises too.  Before Dennis.  So, your word is in question.  I have every reason to doubt you.  If it takes too long for you to come back to me, I’ll move on as you asked and you’ll have to chase yet again.  That’ll be fun, no? Thing is, even if I do make you chase me, I won’t deny you from wanting to move in here. Because even if we’re not together, you’d be better off than being stuck with Dennis.  So just know that you’ll always have shelter with me.  Just not a relationship.

Christ, that washer is taking forever.  It’s 2:30.  ><

Oh, I think it’s finished.  Time to put it away.  Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

Finished. Going to finish this video before I go to bed.  If we get back together, I want you to be more overbearing with my diet.  As in you purchase the groceries.  I just haul it.  I feel like the food is already rotting.  It’s… a bad thing I do.  Feel like food is rotten.  I really need help.  Rotten food is my biggest fear.  ><

I’m watching a video with a couple youtubers playing Cuphead.  It’s old timey.  This probably won’t surprise you but old cartoons from the 30’s are… old memories.  It was a VHS tape filled with old cartoons.  I watched that rather than actual TV.  I loved them.  I feel emotional when I see them play it.  Oof.  They did a good job. I feel like they’re literally playing my childhood.

I want the soundtrack.  I’m getting it soon.

I’ll be up for another 20 minutes.  Despite what it seems like, I don’t type consistently throughout this time.

It’s finished.  Currently 3:12.  I’m going to bed after a shower.  Good night.  I still care about you.  Tomorrow, back with my book.  ;)

Series of bad dreams.  Kept waking up and going back to sleep.  It’s almost 3 in the afternoon. Christ.  x.x The first one ironically involved me being at the store.  I bought a turkey and a huge thing of ham.  Then I discovered this Latina who worked there thought I was cute, so I got to talking to her.  As I was talking to her, this white trash woman comes up and asks if she could take the ham off my cart.  I look at her, annoyed at first before telling her to go away.  I go back to flirting with this girl and I ask her number.  As she goes to write it down, I look at my cart and the ham is gone.  The manager of the girl told me that she’s an employee and can’t give out personal information on the job. I didn’t care about that.  I went out to find the lady who took the ham and I looked everywhere.  The dream ends with me road raging and having to park next to the freeway ramp before waking up. Weird, I know.

The second dream involved eggs.  I was at my parents’ ranch and as someone volunteered to cook the eggs for me, I saw slenderman. Rather than not look at him, I chose to.  He noticed me and walked up.  I kept looking at him though.  As if I were challenging him. Then he proceeding to cut out my eyes.

I woke up immediately after and my left eye was sore.

The last one involved you.  Shane and I went over to Dennis’s.  I was preparing to do something really mean to Dennis when you snuck up behind me and kissed my cheek.  Then I forgot what I was going to do. We laid down together and just cuddled.  Then I woke up.

Yeah, it’s kinda like that.

Though not a bad dream, I did wake up without you by my side and I was a bit distraught about that.  There were more dreams, but I can’t remember the rest too well.  I wish you were here.  I really do miss you.

Then again, I guess I stayed awake last night just to fantasize about you. Literally.  I have several woman who want to sleep with me setting up plans while I’m thinking about you in all your naked glory.  One such fantasy was me eating sushi off your naked body.  I’d refer to you as my table and be a dick and then surprise you by sharing some sushi with you.  I know I can share this because you’re not going to read this.  May as well.

Then there is just me sneaking up behind you and kissing the back of your neck.  Of course, I definitely want to have sex with you but the thing is I also want to do more than just fuck.  It’s hard to explain.  I just wish you were here, is all.  :/ Whatever. Enough about my weird fantasies.  Let’s talk Max.

He has been wanting to go outside.  I took him out and all he did was lie down in the grass.  We go back in and he wants to go back outside.  He’s kind of a brat.  I cleaned his bowls last night.  He has nice, clean water available.  Stayed up last night to do that. Then I took a shower.  Then bed.  Then stayed up for hours thinking of you.

In the event that you come my way, let me tell you what my plan is. First, I’ll make sure I’m clean shaven.  Not completely, just groomed.  Downstairs?  Yeah, that’s going to get shaved.  I brought that auto-razor thing.  The shaver or whatever.  So, yeah.  It won’t look like a swamp if you reach down there.  Might scratch you, though.  Still, I’ll make sure I look my best. I’ll probably tell you I’m late.  It won’t be because I’m kidding you but because traffic has been getting bad.  More than likely, if I am there first, I’ll hide behind something or blend in better.  But more than likely I will be late.  This isn’t a power move to make you feel guilty and to get you thinking that I don’t care and you’re the least important part of my day and I have moved on. It’s just that I’m late. Don’t feel bad.  I guarantee I’m not trying to be a dick to you.

Then we’ll bring you back.  I’ll take you up stairs, bringing your two inevitably heavy bags even though I TOLD YOU that you can freely leave shit there because we’ll come back because I have a job and I can afford the tickets and the drive back but no.  You’re like, “Good, we can get Haru AND NOTHING ELSE!!!”

You don’t listen.  If you do, that’d be great.  But you don’t.  I know this because you’re stubborn.  It’s one of your endearing factors.

Believe it or not, that’s a good thing.  It may not sound like it because stubbornness is viewed as a bad thing, but it’s also confidence in yourself.

Anyways, I assume you’ll have two heavy bags.  Hopefully they won’t be SUPER FUCKING heavy and you won’t have to pay for the overweight charge.  Of course, you’ll have to get another bag.  But, that’s life.  Let me tell you something else.

When we come back, we won’t have to bring back ANY heavy stuff.  Just a weeks worth of clothing.  Something to get us by.  Why so little? Because we’ll need the bags for bringing back YOUR stuff.  And also some of my stuff.  We can store some bags in other bags.  Should fit, assuming they’re small enough.  I think mine is small enough to fit in the larger bag.

Anyways, the drive will be tough.  The glass tank for Haru should be in the back seat of my truck as opposed to the truck bed.  We’ll get a rope and tie the bags onto the truck.  There is a chance I’ll be able to take Kiki, but I’ll have to talk to Adela about it.  More than likely, we’ll have to move out as soon as Kiki gets here so when we’re here, we’ll have to find an apartment with a down payment.  That basically means that we’ll no longer be able to save money.

It’d be worth it to get Kiki back.  It’d be easier to bring her back without you, to be honest.  That way Adela won’t feel like I’m totally infringing but just partially.  Keep that in mind, will you?

Anyways, when we go up there for my truck we’ll take everything we can fit and that we forgot about the first time around.  I’ll take the rest of my clothing and my airsoft gear (possibly my airsoft guns) and you’ll take Haru’s tank and Moshi’s tank and basically everything.

On the way back, we can get hotel/motel rooms.  Sleep there the night and then leave the next morning.  It’ll take 28 hours if we aren’t delayed and drive nonstop from Reno to Houston.  I intend to stop by Amarillo and Dallas.  That should be about a 6 hour drive in between them but there might be good news.  We may not have to pay for lodging while there.  We’ll have to see.

I know you’re probably reading this thinking, “He’s planned all this knowing I told him to move on?  He’s crazy.”  Maybe, but this is something I’ll be doing with or without you.  I’d rather you be there, but it doesn’t matter in the end.

It’ll take 20 hours just to get to Amarillo.  So, we’ll probably have one stop before we get there.  I’m thinking it’ll probably be in New Mexico or Arizona.  We’ll drive through Las Vegas.  I know you’d want to stop but the thing is Las Vegas isn’t any fun unless you’re 21.  I’ll drive the entire way so you can look out the window. We’ll find a place, preferably cheap.  Thing is, we’ll keep our clothing in bags.  When we get back, we’ll have to wash them immediately.  Bed bugs are a real thing and they occur in that area. I got bed bugs from a hotel.  Hopefully, we’ll be fine.  Again, we just have to wash our clothes IMMEDIATELY and take showers. Cleanliness is key.

Ignoring that, We’ll start in CA then we’ll go through Nevada.  Then we’ll arrive in Arizona.  Then New Mexico.  Finally Texas.  It’ll be a two day trip to get from CA to Texas.  Then we’ll get to Amarillo and stay a day or two.  I’ll talk to a friend who may let us stay for a little while.  She’s super sweet.  We should get her something.  She’s an old coworker of mine.  :D Then from Amarillo, we’ll see some sights where I used to live.  Maybe go to the Big Texan.  Go to Dunkin Donuts.  Possibly see the cemetery. That’s if you’re with me, of course.

After we see what we need to, we’ll head on over to Dallas which is six hours, as I said.  The road we’ll take WON’T take us through Oklahoma.  But, we’ll get close.  We’ll meet up with my friend there, we may do some drinking.  After a day with him?  We’ll go to Houston.  Meet up with Adela.  Finish settling in. Get prepared for the next part of life.

I know, it’s weird that I’m planning this and acting like you’re coming.  It’s probably weird that I keep saying it’s weird.  I guess despite knowing you won’t ever read this, I still want you to be a part of this journey.  I guess also that it’s good to write down my plans.  It makes it easier to remember.  And if I forget, I can always reread this entry.

Alright, it’s 4:30 and Max needs food.  We’re not jogging today.  I’m willfully not exercising.  Today will be a break day.  x.x

Also, I’m hungry so brb we’re getting food.

I just came back.  I remembered what the eggs were about.  I was cooking with our kids.  Son and Cynthia.  Fucking christ, it’s worse than I imagined.  >< Whatever.  Slenderman isn’t real.  I remember now because the son who still doesn’t have a name was trying to help cook and he crushed the egg in his little hand and I was like, “Dude, the fuck?” but I said, “That’s perfect!  Why don’t you go tell mommy that the food is almost started?” to get him away from the kitchen.  Cynthia wanted to use cookie cut outs on the eggs and I was like, “Yeah, no.” I guess that sounds good, but we were on my parents’ ranch.  So, if I had to live there with my parents and also children, I’d hate myself.  >< It was night time though.  While we were cooking.  Maybe it wasn’t our ranch?  Then again, maybe slenderman didn’t scoop out my eye? Reoccurring characters are fucking dumb.  x.x

Just came back from Max’s walk.  There is this white poofy dog.  Super cute.  We saw him/her today.  First time we saw him/her was with Adela.  We were walking back and the white dog was being walked by this cute Asian girl.  She seemed nice.  Anyways, White Dog saw Max and immediately started following, pulling the Asian girl with her. So, she basically followed us for a little bit.

Today, we saw White Dog again.  Just me and max.  It was being walked by probably Asian boyfriend?  I don’t know.  Point is, the White Dog wanted to play with Max but he was able to hold on to her.  However, we saw him again on the way back.  On the way back, we basically go through the long part of the neighborhood so we had a lower chance of meeting again.  But we met and again and we were so close to one another we just gave each other an awkward bro nod as the dogs wanted to play. It was cute.  :D

Alright, so it’s official.  Dennis is NEVER coming to Houston.  And it’s because I’m here.  I don’t know what he’s been telling you but he specifically told Shane that he’s not afraid of me.  Shane asked if that’s not the case then why won’t he come for a job that pays really well?  He had no answer.

It’s possible that he lied to Shane.  It’s possible that he lied to you. It’s possible he lied to EVERYONE.  But he can’t lie to himself. He isn’t profitable.  He’s not investing in himself.  I, at least, wrote a book and Shane told me that I could totally go to school here for the job he has.  I might actually take him up on that offer assuming my books never take off.  I’ll release my own book, see what the reviews say.

I might finish the series and call it a day.  Or I might be encouraged to keep writing.  The fact of the matter is, my life is flexible.  So long as I’m in Houston, I can get a lot done.  You could to, but right now you’re believing Dennis’s malarkey.

I have nothing against Dennis, but he’s just… well, he has something against me.  Clearly.  There is a lot going on.  He’s going to try to keep you from talking to me soon.  I hope he doesn’t remember our anniversary that’s coming up.  If he does, then he’ll have a time frame to act. Thinking strategically.  It’s a good thing, but comprises of over-examination.  I can’t wait to message you.  You’ll probably be upset, but I’ll talk some sense. You just need to be sensible.  ;)