#but it feels wrong that everyone isnt somber

[darlingian]

my buddy wasn't there to greet me at the door. I'm never going to find him curled up on my pillow waiting for me again.

[serejae]

WE CANT BE FRIENDS | 17. YOU CLING TO YOUR PAPERS AND PENS, WAIT UNTIL YOU LIKE ME AGAIN

(written)

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paring : myung jae x fem!reader | wc: 700 ish | warnings : none (this chapter is bootycheeks next one is better trust!!!) | genre : fluff and angst @onedoornet

mstl

taglist @lilriswife4life @cherrytaesan @tubatu-lovie @woonsbot @guiltysungho @taylorluvation @kage-yaa @lionhanie @dearly-somber @nicholasluvbot @nujeskz @unhakki @lblossom21 @crispy-kirby @seunghancore @nctrawberries @i03jae @icewons @miidorei @hanbinniesmango @helpsplease @dongminz

its been 55 minutes since jaehyun was supposed to be here. orginally your solo shot was suppose to be shot today, but woonhak texted the group chats changing the plans. sure jaehyun couldve not seen the text but you doubted it, maybe he was embarrassed but you had a sense of deja vu.

you heard woonhak sigh making you look up. “we can just film your solo shot today” you nod and follow him as he walks out his door. as you follow him to the park he starts recording you.

“we have L/N Y/N here and in this segment you’ll be asked questions that you WILL answer without jaehyun around” he started “will?” you laughed at his phrasing “long story…anyways!”

“what are your opinions on myung jaehyun?”

you keep walking looking at the ground and something just blew up in you. “he hasnt changed like at all. cause for the viewers, jaehyun and i were suppose to be filming together again but he didn’t show up and this is what he always did! especially for dates, i’ll wait for hours alone just for him to be in his studio so i’m really not suprised that he isnt here. i swear his office saw him more than i did in our almosy 2 years of dating. its irresponsible no? just to ditch everything for your career and don’t get me wrong im all in for it but its just…” you paused, why were you so bothered? “next question please woonhak.”

“i thought you both ended on good terms?”

“pfft thats what you both tell everyone when you first end things but deep down there…well like you said before lingering feelings that you just cant express because it already ended and now since everyone thinks you both ended things well you start overthinking, ‘hm i shouldnt feel this way we ended things well’ , ‘theres no point on being stuck on him now because we’re friends’ but you both know damn well you ended things ‘on good terms’ because you both swept the conversation you needed to have about the breakup under the carpet due to the fact you and them are pussies who cant handle confrontation.”

“so what if the mess under the rug is too much to the point you cant sweep anymore?”

“um, well…

either you both stand on the elevated rug thats floating at this point ontop of both your guys mess and never talk to each other again because if you do, inevitably the conversation you tried to avoid will be brought up.

or you…

fix it?”

“do you think ending things on good terms is better than ending it on bad terms?”

“no. if you end on bad terms you have nothing to talk about, because youre too focused on hating each other, but good terms each time youre around that person your mind cant help but go ‘what if?’ and soon they start to fill up your mind the same way they did when you were crushing on them then the cycle repeats of you falling in love again but then again you cant do anything because you already broke up and once they move on you have a resentment or a heartbreak feeling towards them.

the same way it does when you both end on bad terms.”

“do you…” woonhak paused and noticed your neck area. “ive always seen the chain around your neck but i never seen the charm on the necklace before” he said examining the necklack, the charm was a heart pendant with mj+(l/n initial + f/n initial) on it with the date you both started dating under. shit, you forgot the tuck it into your shirt.

quickly you tuck it into your shirt and clear your throat

“do you ever have any ‘what if’s with jaehyun, and…theres no need to lie now” woonhak laughed

you smiled and bit and continued “uhm, i wonder where him and i would be if he didnt end things. like would we be together still? if yes is the love still pure, or what we would be together right now but if we still ended things i wonder if it wouldve been on bad terms.”

“do you think of him often?”

“yeah.” no. what?

yeah?

as in yes?

you turn to look at woonhak and he looks at you with wide eyes.

“oh look a music store!! woonhak i completely forgot i told a friend id meet them there, we can end this now!” you rushed out

“NO YN! I CAN COME INSIDE AND FILM-“

“BYE!”

you run inside of the music store and pant hiding behind a shelf. when you look up and see a pair of familiar eyes. you groan silently and rested your head against the shelf, its like he’s been spawning everywhere lately and its not for the better. you look up again and see he’s staring at your neck, looking down you realize the necklace that you tucked away somehow escaped and is now staring at jaehyun. you look back up with your cheeks hot and realized hes gone

[quinloki]

you've casually ripped my heart out and took a bite so I raise you

Sun God Nika.

ACES brother.

Warrior of LIBERATION.

meeting the very not liberated "s/o" of his brother (and I mean they gave him candy so now they're auto besties )

I imagine him being torn with helping his friend even if he has to fight ace because something is obviously wrong with him.

This isnt the brother luffy remembers.

his ace would never take someone's freedom like this, he couldn't...He could never...right?

Not after all they talked about

...right?....

But he did and luffy is ridiculously emotionally smart so he knows in his gut this is the truth and he has to do something for his new friend who asked for help in getting free.

hes strong enough now.its not like he has to kill anyone to safely get you both away but why does it hurt so much? Your okay and he isn't wounded..so why?why does he feel so...so...betrayed?

..By ace?...

for not being who he looked up to anymore.

he really wants to cry. He wants to excuse his actions but that would make him just as guilty wouldn't it?

At least your free now. Even if its left his heart beating different....

Sorry for spelling mistakes !

No apologies needed, but allow me to make it Worse.

Imagine escaping Ace and ending up on Luffy’s crew - we’re not going to worry about any other surrounding details, but the important bits are that you don’t know they’re brothers.

Luffy doesn’t know the terrifying person you’re running from is his brother. Couldn’t imagine it in a million years.

Maybe it’s post time skip, post Wano even, before you, Ace and Luffy occupy the same space (I am thinking shadow reader vibes, thatch and Ace are alive, etc.)

All through Alabasta the stars just didn’t align, and at Marineford you realize Luffy’s connection to Ace and maybe that’s why you leave with Crocodile again instead of Luffy when everyone’s going their separate ways.

However it works doesn’t matter.

Its just that moment when Ace finds you, he’s relieved and delighted and the others are going to be so happy you’re alive. And for a second Luffy is almost delirious with joy.

His friend and his brother are friends and now they’ve been reunited \o/

But then Luffy looks at you, and he knows.

Your fear is palpable, but more than that he’s putting the pieces of stories he’s heard over two years ago or more together. The emotions. All the details. Your fear is so obvious and strong even the rest of the crew knows without seeing.

Luffy grabs Ace’s wrist and pulls until Ace lets go of you. He doesn’t understand at first, “Luffy what are you doing?”

But the smile fades and the expression on Luffy’s face is a mix of sorrow and despair.

“They’re afraid of you Ace, can’t you see?”

And in those words is so much more. How could you? What did you do? Why is their fear so terrible? Ace - what happen to you to change you so much?

He hasn’t hurt like this since the day he thought Kuma had slaughtered his crew.

And for that to turn into a fight? Yeah, the drums of Liberation will have an almost manic edge to them after that. They cannot be somber, so instead they’ll be a little more wild, a little more free, a little more loud to drown the pain god bears.

[tropicalgoon]

Spoilers for the Homestuck Epilogue below.

First things first, i had caught up reading Homestuck on the exact day the Gigapause started (10/16/13). So long pauses and people arguing about canon was pretty common. Then the comic ended but later we got snapchats. Once the snapchats started coming people were unsure how ‘canon’ the snapchats were. Also    

i was surprised with how fast the rest of the Epilogue came out. I figured it would have been drip fed like the comic was but reading it now i can see why that was not the case. If you haven't read the Epilogue i have one thing to say.

PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONTENT WARNINGS THEY ARE NOT JOKES.

With that out the way, i think the biggest shift in the Epilogue vs the actual comic is that everything is way more mature. While Homestuck was full of angsty, snarky teens and a lot of jokes, ironic and not, the Epilogue overall has a more somber, powerless mood to it.

Also one more thing, i do not have a fav character or ship. So that might be why im upset about how it is.

Now i read the Candy choice first so ill talk about that. Now as soon as i saw the juju i knew it was going to have an effect. And i was right, the juju makes people feel okay with their surroundings and so when John ate it he felt at ease with the chaos his life and friends were becoming. But hoo boy did everyone suck all around. 

i knew Gamzee was gonna be back and i was not wrong. i think the whole iVe bEeN GeTtIn mY MoThErFuCkIn rEdEmPtIoN On sO EvErYtHiN I Do iS GoOd was a funny bit but maaaaaan did it get a lil crazy. Jake has always been a doormat and easily manipulated. So nothing too new there but it was nice when he ran off with lil tavros. Also i guess hes the earth c equivalent to a kardashian.

 It really surprised me how fast Roxy got together with John. In fact the Candy Roxy is way different than the meat Roxy. i guess thats the juju at work. Rose was sick with an “illness” but soon after the candy was ate she got “better”. What actually happened was she stopped trying to open her mind to the infinite degree and just let herself live in the moment and be truly happy. It was nice to see her and Kanaya have a happy life, at least until everything went bad. As for Dirk i felt bad for him because he always had that whole meta textual self importance thing going on so when he offed himself i was like oh no. Its nice that him and Dave had bro-sesions.

And now time to talk about Jade, Dave, and Karkat. It feels like Dave and Karkat have mostly stayed the same with a few big differences.1) they both are a little less insufferable, 2) Karkat has accepted he is a leader and 3) their tip toeing around relationships was kinda annoying. Which brings me to Jade. She was butting into all three of their relationships trying to force them to admit feelings. While ive seen some people say Hussie killed Jade i personally dont think so. Jade was always a headstrong, stubborn person who would go after what she wanted and i mean she was on an island by herself for most of her life if she wants to have fun let her. 

Jane really went off the deep end. Which i dont think was so far off her canon personality in the comic. Her denying being xenophobic while being incredibly xenophobic was funny but also pretty real. While i didnt like they way she interacted with Jake it honestly fits in with what happens in the comic. (the trickster stuff, the crockercorp kidnapping). Her whole shadowy rise to hidden power was inevitable also i feel like she was really echoing the Condense on earth. Allowing Gamzee to spread his faith while funneling her wealth and fame into passing the policies and laws she wants. I do not think its out of character for her and Dirk to hate trolls since their lives were so affected by them. 

Johns depression clouding his judgement and making him not want to react was sad to read. It really felt like he was just drifting around, letting all of the situations and chaos just wash over him. So when he was talking to Terezi and she helped him make sense of things it was a nice turn of pace.

Speaking of Terezi, its sad how long she went chasing after (Vriska). As of this moment i dont really think the quadrant system is really in place anymore (at least relationships with humans in it). With John and Terezi talking to each other it really felt like blackrom.  “1F 1 W3R3 3V3R TO DO BL4CKROM 4G41N, 1T WOULD H4V3 TO B3 LOW K3Y”. It is sad her obsession with finding (Vriska) led to her dying in the void.

Seeing Aradia and Sollux was a surprise but they really didnt add much to anything (esp. Sollux). It was kinda funny how much of a dickhead Cade (Calliope Jade) was towards her. Cade was interesting. i really feel like she acts like she did in the comic. 

(Vriska) returning was also not a surprise. She THE most known character. Of course she would be back, but not by her own accord. She wants the spotlight, she HAS to have it. Now that she is trapped on earth c she is now out of canon and so she is out of the spotlight. Thats why she was wailing about needing to SEE it. I think its kinda funny she ends up having a quick fling with Gamzee, and he tries to sell her on his redemption arc bullshit. It really shows how far her obsession has let her fall.

And now its time for meat. Honestly im glad i read candy first because meat was really nice to read after candy. As i said with candy, i figured meat would be the more active of the two (duality like the cherubs). 

First off it was really nice to see how much Dave believes in Karkat and how he thinks Karkat would be leader earth c NEEDS. In Meat they still have their relationship drama with themselves and Jade. I really feel like shes slightly more direct in this one. After the blowup 

John dealing with Roses instructions, finding and bringing together the younger versions of themselves so they could go fight a younger Caliborn and getting sucked into the the house juju was not a surprise since its been theorized thats what would happen. Of course Rose did not warn him, or even tell him what to do. Even when the younger versions of Johns friends die and get hurt he still tries to save them. 

Jake is a very powerful figure in the new earth, he doesnt even realize it. Which leads to everyone trying to get him on their sides. I honestly feel like this is partly his page powers (but then again the classes and aspects dont mean all that much) but he has always been unconfrontational and a doormat. Dirk, Jane, Dave, and Karkat only want to use him for his ass and fame so they can further their agendas. 

i think its rather fitting that (Vriska) doesnt get to see how the battle against Lord English ended. It was GREAT to see Davepetasprite^2 make a comeback and fight Lord English. She KNOWS the final battle isnt her battle but she is still THE ONE who turns the tide. She’s the one who has brought the winning piece so its still a victory of hers by proxy. Also she does not have the talk with Vriska (rose and kanayas kid) on a clown throw pillow so she does not get to do the self reflection she needs. Instead she gets sucked into a black hole.

The Jane and Dirk combo was not surprising, they both had the hangups about Jake and i feel like it ended the same way. Once they got what they wanted it was no longer exciting, or mysterious. But reading the political sabotage and Dirks plans coming together made me realize he was using her for his own gains too. 

Now the whole Rose dying because her physical body couldn't contain the infiniteness of infinity was truly heartbreaking. Especially when Dirk was fucking with Kanaya. i do not know how much of Rose was being manipulated by Dirk and how much was her wanting to end her chronic suffering(2real4me). Addressing all of the....implications around those two. i really do not think they ran off to be together. i believe Rose is the first person Dirk has really connected with on a actual personal level. From what ive seen he does not really treat people as well... people. I think him and Rose are feeling the, “i am the only real person here and everyone else is a puppet” feeling John and Terezi was talking about. But unlike John, Dirk was never one to sit idly by, hes a mechanic after all. All the pieces have to be in place.

The whole bit with Cade and dirk taking control of the narrative was something i feel like has been building up for a long while. The unreliable narrator has been established a few times in the comic, in friendsim, and now in the epilogue. But it does raise a good question about who has been narrating the story and can they be trusted to give us the truth. We saw Dirk acknowledge that he is not unbiased and says things as he sees it. Cade says shes unbiased and just gives the whole truth but all i can think about is how she made Jane carefully cradle the juju and put it on the mantle. Watching Dirk outsmart Cade was defiently exciting to read. I cannot wait to see where all of this is leading to. 

Do i think thats the end of both of Davepetasprite^2 and Lord English? No, as the comic has always said,” Don’t turn your back on the body.” We dont know where they ended up but we’ll just have to wait for more to come out and i cant wait. Does Rose, Dirk, and Terezi (i guess) have an agenda, yes. Do i have any goddamn idea what that is? Nope, and im fine with that. Overall i enjoyed both of them.

[broken-endings]

today is the first day that i’ve had doubts about the clone theory for shiro

i’ve been strongly on the side that he is a clone

but one of the two factors that convinced me he had to be a clone

was something I remembered wrong

that pic of a screencap of matt and shiro onscreen together, I thought shiro wasn’t wearing a helmet, or even his paladin gear. In other words, I thought we could clearly see him and his old clothes and old hair. Which of course wouldn’t line up with Shiro’s current appearance and warrant there being more than one.

But he’s in full paladin armor WITH the helmet. You can’t even see the white of his hair so for all we know that could be the shiro we’ve been watching, fighting alongside matt. We’ve already seen him in paladin armor.

The only thread of evidence that still has me hanging onto clone shiro is how long his hair was. Even at its fastest, hair grows about 6 inches a year

it would have to be TWO WHOLE YEARS at least for Shiro’s hair to get that long

he had an UNDERCUT. Maybe Keith’s hair could get that long in a year but not shiro. His hair would have at least twice as much to grow.

if the writers want me to believe two years have passed and that’s why Shiro’s hair is long, they’ve done NOTHING to convince me that much time has passed.

You could MAYBE make an argument that it’s been almost a year since the fight with zarkon, and I’d believe you. But that isn’t a long enough amount of time for that boy’s hair to grow that long. His hair when we first saw him was some cast away shit right there, and that guy was gone for like 4 or 5 years.

I’d rather the hair thing be a clue that he’s a clone or SOMETHING. Cuz if it’s merely supposed to be the one thing that shows passage of time? Then that’s just shitty writing. I’ll take the non-shitty route, please. It’s too drastic of a change to not warrant an explanation to the audience, even if it’s just that his hair is that long.

And isn’t it weird that we didn’t get to see reunion scenes between Shiro and ANY of the paladins?? I mean, wouldn’t there be relief and joy and shit? All we get is somber shit of him in bed talking to keith.

I want to believe that Shiro’s relationship with the other paladins is important enough for us to see them reunite, even if Shiro’s in critical condition, where’s the scene of everyone waiting outside his healing pod, if he was in one??? Like when Lance got blown up? If that guy is REALLY Shiro, I think we would’ve gotten a similar thing like Lance got when he was badly injured.

Or if he wasn’t that bad, why didn’t we get even a scene with everyone around his bed right after he got back?

It was only Keith

which is SO WEIRD

something is wrong

even keith’s caring about shiro felt kind of empty compared to everything before. Keith cared more about Shiro in the first two episodes, than he did when “Shiro” was right there in front of him. ISNT THAT WEIRD????

Maybe all the characters can feel like something’s off, they just don’t know why, and can’t explain it, or can’t be aware of it w/o someone to point it out.

I am just HOPING that these things have AN EXPLANATION

because otherwise their absence would bring down the overall quality of the show. It would start to fail where neither season 2 nor season 1 failed.

If Shiro isn’t a clone, then I seriously think this is no longer the same show from the first 2 seasons. Everything in those seasons made sense. There wasn’t a huge hole like this that was weird and bizarre where none of the characters seemed to be aware of it

There’s too much left unexplained right now. I’ll be severely disappointed if it’s never explained.

[tumblunni]

OKAY WOW I just started reading a lets play of Tales of Graces and HOLY SHIT I love Sophia! I think I was amoung the majority of people who got umm.. Really Put Off by her character design prior to actually learning more about the game. Cos seriously, prelease stuff was like a fuckin minefield of ‘loli’ trope red flags, it looked like she was gonna somehow be pushed into a romance route with the protagonist despite being 14. And her design is just kinda boring and doesnt really say anything about her ACTUAL plot role and personality which were HOLY SHIT so unexpected and amazing and life affirming and jesus christ she is already my favourite tales character in all of history and I’m barely two hours into the damn game!! seriously I had to go look up spoils just to be ABSOLUTELY SURE I wasnt gonna be surprised with creepy fanservice of a young child, like in some of the older goddamn games in this series, and instead i found FUCKING AMAZING EVERYTHING FOREVER and like.. ACTIVE SUBVERSION OF LOLI TROPES but lol i cant really talk about it without kinda spoilering?? So UMM YEAH rest of my thoughts under the cut:

okay seriously its LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE ALL EXPECTED, HOLY FUCK nobody had ANY CLUE before the game came out that she’d be introduced as the twice-your-age figure to the protagonist instead of the other way around! getting to play a flashback prologue of everyone as kids was a really unique awesome feature that I wish we could get in other tales games its SO COOL to see the design and personality changes for everyone between their flashback selves and the ones you actually play as later on plus its a playable flashback! very short section of getting to see the kiddos actually have unique battle animations even! also it is REALLY EMOTIONALLY DESTRUCTIVE HOLY SHIT it explains everything about everyone’s personality forever why did these poor children have to suffer AAAAA

so umm yeah ANYWAY BACK ON TOPIC Sophie is introduced as this mysterious older teen while everyone is tiny babies, and takes on a kind of simultaneous big sis lil sis role cos of her amnesia and unfamiliarity with the world and like THANK YOU we dont get any weird fetishization of that as a concept! (look up the ‘born sexy yesterday’ trope for how this kind of plot tends to go down... yikes...) And like, even tho she’s comically oblivious about basic emotion concepts and stuff, she’s also A MASSIVE BADASS who’d have thought that such a cliche pinky pretty loli design would have a stoic badass superweapon personality??? THANK YOU. I feel so bad for assuming things, but seriously THANK YOU for being like THE ONE GAME where that kind of character appearance isnt given just One Same Plot Again And Again And It Is Gross and seriously man I WILL NOT STOP BEING HAPPY THAT THERE IS NO LOLICON HERE HOLY FUCKIN SHIT (well.. except some of her dlc costumes seem to be the actual lolicon characters from earlier games, which is Annoying.) but yeah seriously she’s fuckin like CONSTANTLY PUNCHING DOWN DOORS AND SHIT and I’M LOVE HER and like her earliest establishing moment is her oblivious of human culture norms actually leading to her being like.. the wise one in the conversation her cutting off asbel’s ‘wah but I should be the one protecting you cos I’m a boy, even though you’re like eight years older than me and i can barely lift my sword’ and her making this declaration of protection to him is the moment that shapes her entire character and becomes like the emotional core of the whole plot and she gets THE MOST BADASS scene of (seemingly) sacrificing herself to save his life, ending this cute kiddie flashback on a super somber note and then Asbel dedicates his goddamn life to becoming a knight in her memory after she fuckin SUPLEXED A GODDAMN DRAGON WOLF THING WITH ITS CLAW STABBED THROUGH HER STOMACH and just... I REALLY LOVE SOPHIE!!! seriously kid asbel literally said ‘i’m embarassed to be protected by you cos you’re a girl’, like HOLY SHIT DUDE and this is ACTUALLY SHOWN AS WRONG and he CHARACTER DEVELOPS OUT OF IT and HER PROTECTING HIM IS LIKE THE WHOLE FUCKIN GAME and just THANK YOU seriously tales of beseria had a bunch of weird sexism issues despite being the most recent game, its so annoying how the series has such inconsistant quality on this stuff, so im just REALLLLLLL FUCKIN GLAD to see this, thankz

oh and like... they even do... LITERALLY the ‘but she’s really 700 years old’ excuse for ‘loli’ characters BUT NOT AS AN EXCUSE FOR LOLI CHARACTERS she’s a thousands of years old magic soldier homunculus thing that will forever look like a young girl, but NOBODY USES THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO FUCK A YOUNG GIRL THANK YOU GEEZUS CHRIST cos like.. goddd... being super immortal and eternally a child is A COOL PLOT that has SO MANY OTHER DIRECTIONS it could be developed in, instead of just fuckin pervy lazyness and this game ACTUALLY DOES THOSE DEVELOPMENTS aaaaaUUUUAUAAAUUUUA god its SUCH A RELIEF we start the game off with the intriguing wonder of how everyone changed post time skip yet she still looks the same age (plus of course ‘how on earth did she survive that apparant death’) And it just keeps having even more cool meta discussion of being so ageless?? and really sad philosophicalness about outliving all your friends?? and all the plots these dumb loli excuse things always ignore and just SERIOUSLY THANK YOU

hell she doesnt even ever really have any romantic plot with anyone ever, except kinda Pascal? tho that’s just a weird ‘lol gay as joke’ thing where its supposed to be funny that Pascal doesnt take no for an answer and like.. seriously why is Sophie even instantly repulsed by Pascal anyway? ‘hey i have no concept of any human social norms except heterosexuality apparantly’. It Is Weird. So yeah lol the game isnt absolutely flawless but I mean geez AT LEAST THEY DIDNT SHIP THE FUCKIN KID WITH ADULTS seriously she has NO ROMANCE PLOT and protagonist man ends up with someone completely different and its just NEVER EVEN DISCUSSED AS AN OPTION like fuckin CHRIST thank yooooou god, just, HOW TERRIFYING it was to see her listed as ‘the heroine’ of this game next to a guy way older than her usually whichever female character has the biggest plot role is automatically the love interest I cant believe i fuckin DIDNT PLAY THE GAME FOR ALL THIS TIME because of that!!!

oh and OH AND the endgame!! the endgame final relationship of her and protagonist? DAD. He not only doesn’t romance her, he ends up adopting her as his daughter by the end of the story its so surreal and interesting tho, cos she was like an older sister to him when he was younger, and now they’ve met again they ended up having such a vastly different relationship and like... well, they’re still like family, just in a different way! i’m so happy seriously DEAR GOD for once a ‘immortal child’ plot actually ended well and no grossness ever and ALSO SHE IS A REALLY ENDEARING BADASS HOMUNCULUS WARRIOR PERSON and aaaa

ok this has been bunni’s rambling post ok back to watchin lets play im SO HAPPY i got spoiled for that thing of the ending like seriously HOW RARE is that???

[breezles]

Really lengthy life story thing under the cut..a lot of negativity and just a big fat idk what to do anymore. But I got a bunch of cleaning supplies to deep clean the house tomorrow because nobody touches it in cleaning but me!!!! 

You know I am really tired of living with the people I do now. My mom, my dad, my brother(is okay in some ways lazy fuck in others) and my moms boyfriend. It’s a horrific combination because of so many different reasons. 

One being my Dad ALWAYS having something to say, muttering asshole things under his breath about everyone. Has anger issues, flips the fuck out if shit doesnt go his way, complains on everything that is or isnt. Yells all the time if he’s not stoned. Gives me emotional whiplash, and never was a “Dad” or “Father figure” in my life. Not contributing to household things, like the list can go on and on honestly. He’s an angry asshole all the time. A good example for the sake of this; “Did you put the clothes in the dryer yet?” and I respond “Not yet but I will” and it only being an hour since. “They’re going to smell like mildew now” or “Did you feed your cats yet?” and if I answer no because I have a specific time I feed them every day that he is clearly aware of, he goes “They’re starving, they’re meowing at the door, why do you even have them?? You dont even care.” He thinks they need food every time they meow and thats why they’ve gained weight after the fifty fucking times I tell him to leave the feeding to me so I can monitor how much and when they eat. (Not 5min later he literally asks me to go put the clothes in the dryer) He also comments about how shitty it is here, and how he wants to leave. Kudos bro go for it. (Also while typing this is when the laundry shit happened, and it’s been about 10min and he finally got up to do it himself because I wasn’t moving fast enough) Also aggressive and patronizing, only talks a certain way to me, and like a normal person to my brother or moms bf. 

Moms bf; Constantly stomping through the house huffing and grunting like a wounded animal, slamming doors or cabinets, making inhuman noises that sound gross and disturbing, because he has no sense that other people live here that don’t have doors or a room to sleep in. Has no consideration at all.. Constantly calls off work at least once a week because he doesn’t want to get up. I wonder how he’s not fired yet. He’s admitted that he has nothing to look forward to anymore, when he gets home from work so he sleeps for days on end, getting more and more lazy. Has anger issues also if Mom tries to get him up for work. Has thrown things before, not at anyone but in general. Also doesn’t do any household chores like cleaning, unless on the very rare occasion dog shit outside. (Same with dad on this) 

Mom; I love her, she has a lot of health issues to deal with that I have tried time and time again to help her with but she sleeps so so SO much that it’s pretty much negatively effecting her health when she should be more focused on maintaining her condition. Never calls to make appointments, avoids it, runs out of her medication then freaks out when she can’t get it because she has to make a follow up appointment for the doctor to represcribe it. She also has whiplash anger, always complains about something being eaten that she goes to eat, which over time has pretty much made me not eat anything in the house except for an occasional sandwich or quesadilla so I’m not to blame for it. (Sounds shitty doesnt it) Doesn’t clean anymore except when she feels like it, can’t remember the last time she made dinner. Hoards up in her room taking pain medication(thats not the prescribed ones) for her Neuralgia. I feel like her mental structure is also declining because she forgets a lot or gets confused easily. Suffers from, diabetes, no thyroid, high blood pressure, possible past stroke, and congestive heart failure and gum disease. Takes medication for all of it, but diet and activity are counter active. Someone with CHF won’t live very long unless they take good care of it Even then the life expectancy is less than 5 years. It keeps me up at night, and often cry because I have to prepare for Moms death at any point from here on. 

Brother; He’s not really here a lot of the time, in a sense he’s sort of lucky he has friends and a social life to get out of the house until he comes home to sleep for work at 12-3am at night. When he is home he doesn’t do anything but sit on his phone and bitch if I ask him to help me clean anything or need something. Forgets to pick me up from work all the time, forgets a lot if it doesn’t involve his friends or his car. Doesn’t do his own laundry and hasn’t cleaned his own room in over a year. Hasn’t washed dishes or taken the trash out or anything home/chore related in months to a year.  Thinks that his share of rent and utilities is all the help he needs to do. (which I am greateful for him helping me help the house financially because his job is a good one). I often tell him from the bottom of my heart everything that I think about, tell him about Mom, tell him it’ll only be me and him down the road for each other. In hopes it sombers him if only a little. I just wish he’d improve as a person in some places. 

Myself: I don’t do much myself, except for working as much as I can. Each night I get home I do a routine of taking care of the animals because Moms bf has stopped feeding the fish he said “were his” even though I maintain and keep the tank clean and running. Dad feeds the dogs, but I bathe them and walk them, brush them etc. Same with the rest of the pets. After they’re taken care of I clean the kitchen if its gross from everyone being in and out of it all day. Take the trash out because it gets piled and everyone thinks “Fuck it” After that I do laundry if needed, and then hop on my computer to do my usual browsing. I’ve started looking for a 2nd job because I can’t afford anything except the bare basics and it leaves me broke 20days out of a month. I’ve also figured out a financial plan to keep the bills paid and rent on time because Mom got us 1000 behind on rent and our utilities would get shut off now and again. We’ve been fine for 3months straight on everything now and have caught up and everyone now pays equal amounts for everything. (Now if I could only get everyone equally sharing housework,  but i’ve barked up that tree before)

In a few hours I plan to deep clean the entire house because it smells like body odor, dog and dirt and dog hair has accumulated since the weather is changing doggos are shedding so it’s a given. I also can’t remember the last time the house was thoroughly cleaned, and not just a tidy and wipe down so it’s due and I know nobody will want to help and think what I’m doing is stupid. But i’m just tired, im tired of feeling like im taking care of child adults, of living in so much negativity I want nothing more then place myself in my own home/apartment/studio whatever I can. I want to take care of myself and my cats. I want to be a functioning person not fighting depression. Everything has built up and piled and piled and I feel so worn down and defeated because I feel like I’m the only one who gives a shit and is trying to maintain some sense, but at the same time I just want to fucking quit. 

I’m afraid that if I leave, if ever, everything here will fall apart. Dogs won’t be cared for, the house will fall into further disseray, Mom won’t be properly cared for and die quicker than she is already. But I keep telling myself you can’t help those who wont help themselves, or dont want it. Just think about myself I say, get out of here build your own life in comfort and security and peace of mind. 

I financially cannot get anywhere in life, I’ve had to teach myself to be an adult from the age of 16 to be responsible, but no one ever taught me financial health. Or security or w/e. I dont know what I’m doing wrong, I dont know where to even begin, I dont know how to get out of here on my own anymore. I’m scared I’ll be stuck in this sickening environment. I dont know who to turn to, where to get to that takes my cats. Even if I found them homes, or placed them in foster care, I still can’t afford to live anywhere on my own because of my own bills. 

what the fuck all of this circulates in my head. I dont know what to do anymore or where to go or what to fucking research I just want help, but im scared I wont know how to take any help, because I’ve engrained in my fucking head that I need to do anything I can to earn the right for someones help that I cant have it unless I’ve earned it. 

I just want to cry, I dont know what to do..I just dont know anymore. I’ve lost touch with my sense of self, I don’t see friends anymore, the only people I see outside of home are the people I work with, I have no life except the one I keep for my pets here. Thats it.