#but it feels like the women who wear tichel in shul have so many they wear and meanwhile the men (icluding me) are like. this is all ive go

[shalom-iamcominghome]

I'm happy to report that there is a jewish version of "lol, men only have on pair of pants":

We also only have one kippah, apparently

[egal-aboosta]

Jewish women & covering

Those of y’all at non-Orthodox synagogues may have recently seen a woman (or non-binary person) at shul wearing something like this

[woman with pale skin and blonde wavy hair wearing a black scoop neck shirt, chunky green jewelry, and a thick burgundy headband with white, gold, and crimson paisley]

or this

[back of a woman’s head; she is wearing a black shirt, dangly earrings with two white beads, and a paisley scarf on her head tied in a knot over her bun in the back]

“What’s up?” You may be wondering. If you’ve been to (or live in!) Israel or are familiar with some Orthodox communities, you may recognize these scarves as tichels or mitpachat. So, why are some single women wearing them now? And why are they experiencing a resurgence among married women in Orthodox communities?

There are two main styles among Jewish women I’ve met who wear headscarves: to cover the top of their head (first image), or to cover all/most of their hair (second image). Both of these styles can be used for halchic reasons or for more personal spiritual/identity reasons. There’s so much diversity in style and use because of the varying traditions about how much to cover, when to cover, and why to cover.

In the “Hair Covering and Kabbalah” episode of the podcast “The Joy of Text” Rabbi Dov Linzer gives some textual sources about hair-covering, but I haven’t found these texts reflective of practice. He points to two sources, one that cites hair-covering as essential to modesty (and doesn’t bring marriage into the equation), and another that describes hair-covering as a custom for public spaces marking one as married, like wedding rings do today.

Traditionally, Jewish women’s hair/head-covering has been influenced not just by text but by the non-Jewish world around them. Practices have (and still do!) vary widely not just with halachic perspective, but also with the surrounding culture. Living in the medieval Arab world, Maimonedes described Jewish women wearing a chador, and, more recently, @reflected-blue​ cites a ruling for Israeli women from Muslim-majority countries who wear hijab-style scarves to cover their hair. The scarves worn by Russian Orthodox Christians don’t look too different from those worn by Russian Jewish Tzeitel, Hodel, Chava, and Golde in Fiddler on the Roof:

[three young women stand in an Orthodox church wearing traditional dresses, and bright jewelry. Two wear colorful patterned kercheifs covering their hair, the third also covers her head with a similar kercheif but wears her hair in a visible braid]

Jewish modesty law often acknowledges the effect modesty norms in the larger community should have on Jewish standards. So not just how to cover, but how much to cover, has varied by community. When my dad was growing up in the southern U.S., Jewish women often wore “church hats” to synagogue quite similar to those popular with their Christian neighbors, and many in today’s Modern Orthodox communities are familiar with the term “shul hat.”

So, in countries where headscarves are no longer the norm, why do some Jewish women still cover? And why has the tichel-style become so predominant?

Jewish women cover for lots of different reasons, but explaining the tichel style’s popularity is a little simpler. While I couldn’t find the origins of this style of hair-covering, I’m confident it’s exploded because Jewish women (as well as Christians, Muslims, African-diaspora women, cancer patients, and many others) wanted to cover their hair, didn’t know how, and the internet demystified this one. Why this one? I’m still not sure. But Youtube tutorials, networking with other women over the internet, and online stores like Wrapunzel have given women who want to cover the tools, skills, and communities they were waiting for.

So, what about those diverse reasons? Here are reasons why women from all stripes of Judaism have turned to scarves:

For women covering their hair, they’re comfier, less expensive, and more versatile than wigs.

To be publicly visible as Jewish in solidarity with men who are visible in kippot.

Do display Jewish identity; to dress for themselves, not anyone else.

For women covering their hair, to make covering their hair fun, to utilize it as an opportunity for personal expression.

To feel closer to Judaism, and alter how others perceive her

To cover their head in Conservative or similar synagogues for women who don’t like kippot or doilies

As a way to cope with bad hair days (me sometimes!)

[jewishconvertthings]

I’m very interested in learning about converting to Judaism. I think about it constantly, there is just this pull towards it. There is one thing that would keep me from doing it though. It probably sounds really stupid to most people but if I have to wear dresses/head covering I don’t think I could adhere to that standard. I grew up in conservative Christianity and I don’t like that aspect of religion for me. I’m interested in orthodox and from what I have read this seems to be required

Hi anon, 

That…. is really going to depend on your community. If you’re really committed to orthodoxy, then you’re going to have to seek out a liberal, Modern Orthodox community to be assured that this will be accepted from you. I am part of a well-known-for-being-liberal Modern Orthodox community, and while I’ve never seen a woman (who’s not a visitor, anyway) show up to services wearing pants, I would say at least half the women will wear modestly cut pants outside of shul/Shabbat services. I’ve also noticed that folks are relatively lax on tznius in my shul as well. 

(As a bit of disclaimer - I do keep tznius and think it’s actually important; I always wear skirts or dresses and I cover my hair now that I’m married. All of those things are things I find halachically and morally important, as well as personally meaningful. However, there are tons of other viewpoints on this topic, and I’d encourage you to seek out as many of them as you can find so that you can come to your own opinion. Here are a few articles to get you started, reflecting a variety of opinions: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7]. This article is pro-tznius, and gets at a lot of why I personally do it. But again - please research different attitudes from different folks!) 

As for hair covering after marriage (which is the only time at which it’s required) - again, many of the women at my shul are very liberal in this regard. Some won’t cover at all, some will wear a chapel cap/lace during services, some will cover with a shul hat, some will wear a women’s kippah (or sometimes a neutral/men’s kippah), some will wear kerchiefs or partial scarves, and some will wear full tichels. Occasionally someone will come in wearing a sheitel, but that’s rare. No one seems to bat an eye regardless of how, or if she chooses to cover. (Good masterposts: [1], [2], [3])

However, it bears repeating that this is a Modern Orthodox community, and a notably progressive one at that. Other Modern Orthodox communities may be stricter, and as far as I know, the other streams of orthodoxy would not allow this. Some communities also have specific customs particular to their stream of orthodoxy as well. 

I would suggest that you do some more research, some more reflection, and when you’re ready, explore the issue with a rabbi. It may also be worth looking into Conservative/Masorti Judaism if this turns out to be a real sticking point for you, as the standards are much more relaxed. My Conservative shul runs the gambit as far as folks who show up wearing full covering tichels and tznius dress, to women wearing shorts, pants, or sleeveless dresses. 

Edit: In case it wasn’t clear in my original answer, this is definitely not a stupid or frivolous concern. Tznius is very important, as is feeling comfortable in how you’re presenting yourself to the world. 

[chochmah-binah-daas]

The months since elul 5777 has been a hugely transitional time for me for so many reasons. I’ve been meaning to write about this since, well, late elul, early tishrei but I never had the energy to do so. I broke this up into chunks for easier reading but this is still quite an essay…

I know this is long but please like if you read even a part of this and if you have any insights or advice to offer me, my askbox is open and I’d love some support of any kind!!

Children

I always wrote off the idea of having children, even to the point of being one of those people who thought it was funny to be somewhat hostile towards kids. I did have some legitimate reasons for this, mostly sensory issues, being that I’m autistic and am sensitive to many sensory experiences; however, most of it was me just stubbornly holding onto a general distaste for children. Through the course of my retail job, I found myself more and more warming up to the kids who came into the store to the point where I would go out of my way to make faces and wave at babies at the expense of doing my actual job (not to worry, my job was literally completely ineffective). As I realized just after the High Holy Days began, I didn’t just not hate children anymore, I liked them. I actively like and desire to have children now.

If someone had asked me if I really thought I never wanted kids, I would pretty adamantly say I didn’t, though sometimes I’d admit that I could see myself maybe adopting one child in the future. Now it actively pains me that I don’t have children. Plural. Children. My only image of my future self is me, happily married and raising at least 3 or 4 good Jewish children.

I’m only 23 so I know that I’m not expected by secular society to have kids but seeing my more observant Jewish cousins around my age pursuing marriage really gets me down a lot of the time. I want nothing more right now than to marry a nice gay Jewish man and adopt a few kids. This leads me to my next sections…

Career goals

I never settled on one single thing I wanted to do with my life. I was one of those kids who, probably due to being autistic, was always getting deeply invested in something and then flitting off to another after a couple months. For the last year or two I did have a decent idea in my head that I wanted to get a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree and work in a library or archive. I’m good at that kind of work. It allows me to be quiet and a bit neurotic about my workstation because I’d largely be working alone, away from the general public and most of my coworkers.

After my graduation, my mom and grandma suggested that I consider going to law school. I agreed to at least take the LSAT, which I will be doing in February and oy am I nervous!! My mom, who went to law school, says that she thinks I’d be great at it, that my mind is so well-suited to that type of thinking. I don’t disagree with her but I also can’t imagine myself doing anything with a law degree.

In fact, I can’t imagine myself doing anything in the future. People think I’m joking, but I really do just want to marry someone with a steady, well-paying job and be a house-spouse. I have a deep passion for learning but I have no passion for an actual career that comes along with any path of study. In a perfect world where my mental illness didn’t destroy my ability to read, I would love to go get an MLIS and/or a law degree. I’d even consider going to a yeshiva and studying Torah, Talmud, contemporary Jewish issues, all that. But once I’m out of school, I have no clue what I’d do besides sit at home with all that knowledge swirling around in my head.

Education is never a waste in my opinion, but also formal education is expensive and I’d never be able to afford it without having a prospective career in my future to provide the income for paying off the student loans.

Gender

I never understood the concept of gender. All I know is what language I’m comfortable with, how I like dressing, and what I want my body to be. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I medically transitioned through hormones, chest surgery, and a hysterectomy. My pronouns are they/them or he/him. I am now legally male with a traditionally male name. On most days, I enjoy wearing skirts though I do occasionally choose to wear pants. I could never be cis-passing unless I stuck with wearing pants all the time, which would make me very uncomfortable. If you asked me to get dressed without thinking about it at all, my first choice would be to throw on a skirt, t-shirt, and cardigan. It’s comfortable, psychologically and sensory.

None of this changed during elul 5777; what did change was how my gender and my Judaism were connected. Before, they weren’t. Now, I am working on becoming shomer tznius which involved a major overhaul of my wardrobe, particularly the skirts and dresses. I got rid of almost all of my short and revealing articles unless they could be easily layered and bought a lot of long skirts, three quarter sleeve shirts, cardigans, and other tznius layering essentials.

When it comes to my religious observance, I mix and match though I do mostly connect with the mitzvos for men. In shul and at home, I prefer not to light the shabbos candles if there is a woman who would be able to do it instead. I wear tallis and tefillin to daven and I leyn torah. But I also enjoy occasionally wearing a tichel and being the one who cooks for shabbos, plus the aforementioned movement towards being shomer tznius.

Religious observance

I currently attend, and work for, a Reform shul. I adore my community and the rabbi there. It’s such a loving and supportive community with a small but fantastic group of regulars at Torah study. I’m fortunate in that my community has no problem with the way I present myself. They accept me as a queer Jew who expresses their queerness and their Jewishness in a unique way. But I worry about how other Jewish communities might react towards me, especially since I can see myself being much more observant than I currently am.

Ideally, I would have a kosher kitchen and fully observe shabbos. I would live close enough to walk to shul and I would make sure to raise my children with a strong Jewish identity, and of course a Jewish education. I don’t know if I could have that kind of life while being involved in a Reform community, largely because they don’t tend to celebrate every holiday and also when they do, it can be too lax for my tastes. For example, even in the winter our shabbos services don’t start until 6 or 7 PM, a solid 2 or so hours after shabbos actually begins.

As a queer Jew, who is very obviously gender nonconforming, I don’t know how I would fit into a more traditional community that would probably be more regimented in its separation of genders into a binary. I wear tallis and tefillin when I daven but I would be seen as a woman by some men so I would be immediately singled out as an other. I do wear skirts but I also have a deep voice and facial hair (and my name is Zack) so I’m automatically too male for women-only spaces. Not that I feel entitled to men- or women-only spaces, but I do fear how I could become more observant, when doing so tends to mean an increase in that kind of separation.

Relationships

This is probably the trickiest and most personal portion of this whole shpiel. I’m currently… somewhat in a relationship, I guess? When I transferred to HSU, I thought I was aromantic-asexual and I have since realized that I am neither of those and now identify as someone generally attracted to men. But soon after starting at HSU, I met someone else who identifies as aro-ace and we became really close friends, hanging out all the time in one of our dorm rooms. They were in a non-romantic, queer-platonic relationship with two people and suddenly, they started including me in this relationship. I didn’t mind this so much at the beginning but the more I come to understand my identity and my vague goals and dreams for the future, the more I realize that I just can’t go where I want to go in life and be tied to this relationship.

I know that the longer this goes on, the worse it will be to break it off but I’m terrified to do so, for various reasons I don’t want to get into here. As I said earlier, I want to marry a Jewish guy and have Jewish kids and live a Jewish life. I obviously can’t do that in a household with two pagans and a Catholic, none of whom want kids at all. I know I’m probably becoming one of Those Converts who gets super zealous about Judaism and defensive of their Jewishness but over the last year or so, and especially since elul, I have had this image in my head that I just can’t shake. And that image doesn’t include the people I currently feel tied down to.