#but it feels like having lost everything because there were so many visceral visual/somatic/tactile flashbacks bombaring us 24/7 for 3 years | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sonofsin · 21 days ago

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sometimes the only defense I have against trauma denial is that this system would not be this way if none of it happened. these trauma responses and behaviors and triggers are spread across a massive amount of parts and fragments, even if visual memory is blocked. it's supposed to be, that's how dissociative barriers work. the trauma only existed while it was happening as a child, which kept us alive. no shit it's still blocked now, even for those of us who directly experienced it.

#I read recently that the kind of constant flooding we experienced from 2020 to 2023 was not typical of the process of unrepression #so I think it's very possible that how we're experiencing this now- as short but intense bursts- is pretty normal #but it feels like having lost everything because there were so many visceral visual/somatic/tactile flashbacks bombaring us 24/7 for 3 years #not to mention that the blow of our mother (a fellow csa survivor) not believing us did a massive amount of damage #and her denying it just couldn't exist at the same time as the knowledge that it was real and the memories of it.#so yeah. of course my stupid brain decided that our mother had to be right. that was supposed to be the less painful road #huh. thinking through this feels like turning a corner somehow.#that'd be nice but I'm not hopeful. that would require good things to happen in this system + 90% of our gatekeepers to not be assholes

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