#but it doesn’t get more stereotypically Mexican than tacos and those are my favorite kind

[thefoxesboxes]

A Gathering of Guys

Time to get back into the saddle on these reviews! This one has been a long time coming, something I honestly meant to review many months ago. But, between teaching English and travelling around the world, this writing fox has had a significant decrease in available brainpower. Did watching this movie for a second time help? Will it have passed the vulpine standards check? Look under the cut to find out as we discuss the “First R-Rated CGI Cartoon”, Sausage Party.

To begin, I will preface two things. First, I love animation. The creativity and freedom that can be made from almost any kind of animated movie has always been an easy way to make me happy. Look at movies like Zootopia, Spirited Away, and even Aladdin. These movies are each dramatically different in tone, style, and overall thematics. But they’re all some of my favorite movies. Even if I think CGI is overdone in the modern animation market, it still doesn’t detract from my love of watching something creative and fresh.

I also don’t mind movies that are using raunchy or vulgar humor. A movie like Deadpool can make me laugh pretty hard at the stupid jokes and over the top violence that it employs. A movie like this should use the language and themes to push the style of the movie. Is it a violent story with a murderous mercenary hell bent on revenge? Yeah, dark and violent, but add in the fun. These things can break up the movie into a more manageable tone than most people would like. Look at the difference in things like DC and Marvel, or new Ghostbusters and old Ghostbusters. That’s a coming review, by the way.

So the big point is that this movie is awful. It’s a raunchy and joke filled movie, but it’s never creative. It’s like someone took the movie FoodFight and pushed up the production quality and age rating. The movie is graphic, violent, and full of warnings for mature content and imagery. The whole movie tries very, very hard to make sure you know that this is mature and grown up.

Maturity, in this sense, means something that says the word ‘fuck’ approximately 1.85 times a minute, often in heavy bursts. Maturity is something that makes incredibly sophomoric and heavy handed assertions about the nature of religion and real life interactions between thousand year old cultures. Mature is when you have the movies plotline come to a screeching halt to constantly point out how edgy you are over and over again. Mature, in this sense, is being a 15 year old on Reddit screaming about how you took the red pill and don’t believe in things like religion, man.

There is nothing really mature here. At all.

“Just the tips” What the fuck is a tip? Your finger? Why does a hotdog have a glove but the lady doesn’t? Save it. It’ll keep.

But let’s talk detail. First, the movie has a song. It’s not a bad song, at least for how it’s written and sung. It’s really mostly just kind of tuneless and shifts a lot into ways that obviously want to invoke religious worship songs, but doesn’t do that very well. The song does a great job of setting the tone of this movie, which is “Religious people are dumb, ya here?”. It’s not really something I want to get into, but it slides nicely into the hotdog bun of hatred I have for this movie.

The writing.

As mentioned, the writing is self-congratulatory about the idea of being R-rated when it doesn’t know what that should mean. It decided to go out of its way to be a cartoon about hotdogs and sex before seemingly having any direction, as the world itself and characters are all over the place. Do they make any particular point using food that couldn’t be done with a different material? Nope. Do they make timely or classical references throughout the movie? Well, Meatloaf plays a singing Meatloaf. They make a “To Sir with Love” reference, which intrudes on one of my absolutely favorite films ever. Saving Private Ryan? Not exactly timeless.

But the writing reflects worst on characters and dialogue. While the voice acting is, mostly, fine it’s really just the characters are a bunch of assholes. Remember that scene in Star Wars where Han Solo doesn’t believe in the Force and Luke lectures him despite having learned about it that afternoon? That happens about atheism. Our beef tube hero who’s name I really don’t care to remember (it’s Frank) learns that the Gods are evil people who eat them! Oh no! So he immediately starts bashing everyone for believing in the Gods that he believed in until literally an hour ago. He makes no good points, he seems ridiculously hypocritical, and he’s just kind of a douche.

A running theme in this movie, the main villain is a literal douche. A douche who gets a tear and loses his douchey fluids, so he needs to replenish them to restore his superpowers. This begins with him forcefully and graphically violating a damaged juice container in a way obviously reminiscent of forceful oral sex. This scene was the first one that was simply disgusting, including him commenting that he’s “Juicin’ up” to reference steroids. A rape scene, classy as hell. This only continues as this literal douche walks about to murder the main heroes will constantly repeating the same joke over and over again. His plans involved him being able to teleport, his reason for revenge was almost understandable, but being a rapist murderer really made me not care about this villain.

Also. This joke. Five fucking times.

Other than the Frankfurter Hero and Douchey Villain, we have side characters. Jewish Bagel, Mexican Lesbian Taco, overly voluptuous hotdog bun, Muslim/Middle Eastern lavash, gay Twinkee, black grits, and Firewater. These stereotypes are the closest thing to characters that exist in this film and they mostly exist pretty much solely within those roles. They exist to either be stereotypes, be annoying, or try to poke mature points at the concept of geographically interconnected regions and classically dependent cultures having feuds with each other. But let’s talk about that in terms of the world.

These foods exist for, what, a week? They exist in the same aisles, for the same goals, and often have to interact with each other for their entire existence. Their existences, mind you, which are created for explicit purpose. Why do they have different viewpoints of the Gods, to the point where it is this disseminated? Is it to make a point about the rapid distribution of altering ideals among short lived humanity? I don’t know, it just seems to be extremely crass ways to point out that these things exist and are stupid. Again a running theme.

The last major theme I want to mention is consistency. A world needs to be made in a way that follows an internal logic. Yes, magic should be explained, a world should be detailed, and even comedy should follow some form and function. If there is no law dictated within the world, then there’s no reason for me to really pay attention to what you’re doing. It’s all just whitenoise for the pretense of having jokes.

This movie fails worldbuilding with a capital F and a giant minus. The food is alive, so are douches and some other inanimate objects! But things like shoes and ladles are not, why? Why isn’t the knife alive? When we open up a thing of off brand Mentos, each of those little mints is alive. Is this things ass full of living organisms that will proceed to exist in total isolation until released?  If I make a sandwich, is it a composite of painfully attached different creatures to each other? They did show that composite foods exist as a single entity, so does that mean that pushing cheese and wheat germ together creates a new living entity? The entire idea doesn’t make sense when you show that some things would require the painful things to exist. Pizza, sandwiches, all of it. How does it work? The movie doesn’t tell you.

This line here indicates that the peanut butter, married to jelly, is only alive as it is the container. But why isn’t the bag the hotdogs were in alive, or the box? There’s no sense to be had in this madness. Just extremely dry hotdogs.

Not that the external world is any better. Remember in Toy Story where the toys could move and had to very specifically hide that fact? Yeah, this movie says fuck it. Some of the foods move and we see people view it as a hot dog rolling around. But then the hot dog gets up, dodges, ducks, dips, dives, and dodges. They even stab a hot dog standing up in the middle of the air, or they can run across the street. Do people see them or not? It’s pointed out that they need to be literally high on bath salts to see the  food moving, but then can the food interact with the world when not on bath salts? How come the food never moves and people don’t notice it? Why do I even watch anything attached to Seth Rogan? Why did you ruin my night, Seth?

This isn’t even getting into the ending. The movie ended two separate times at the end, once when the orgy of murder happened, and once when the orgy that murdered the movie happened. There’s a full orgy, it takes actually 5 minutes to get through. Does it add to the plot? Nope. Does it push anything? Nah, it’s also the scaled down version from the honestly horrifying original script Seth Rogan spent years drafting up. Fuck him so much.

There’s also a murder orgy where the food kills everyone. Apparently we can’t beat hotdogs. Who knew? A guy gets turned into a testicle puppet by the douche, carries a giant revolver that apparently has 8 bullets in it. They make Terminator and Wizard of Oz references. A merry time was had by apparently a lot of people that aren’t me.

Also, the food smoke weed that is… Apparently not alive? Why is the marijuana not alive? Fuck it. Probably some stupid point.

The main point is this. The movie contains many flaws and

Fuck this movie. Fuck you Seth Rogan for your grinning assholery. Fuck the critics who think this movie is an insightful and raunchy godsend so they can openly enjoy cartoons. Fuck the idea that this movie grossed tons of money and will probably get some kinda sequel or spinoff. Fuck the media that believes that maturity is the juvenile banter of an idiot who cannot stop dragging his political diatribes into a different subject. And fuck this movie for killing any chance Kubo and the Two Strings had of being a financial success.

Summary? This movie is crass, brash, vulgar and tasteless. It’s also somehow not brave enough to say anything that has any real merit or in a way that’s unique. It’s a movie obsessed with its own egotistical idea of being the ‘first’ but has no idea of how to make that something worth seeing. This movie is just a waste of time. It’s a mix of immature and well past it’s expiration date.

[thefearlessgastronomist]

23 FACTS ABOUT YOURS TRULY

1. The Basics: My name is Rachel, 27 years young [when this was posted in 2017], posting from my parent’s home in the suburbs of Minneapolis/St. Paul, brown hair (though it’s usually dyed a different color), blue eyes, sassy as hell 😏  Also, for reference, I’m of Italian, Irish, German, and Swedish heritage. My last name is super Italian and I eat a lot of pasta. 

2. I did not go to culinary school. I did go to college for five and a half years, but not for anything remotely related to culinary arts. My entire thing is: Graphic Communications Management with an emphasis in Layout/Design and minors in Photography and Journalism. At least the writing and photography parts makes sense, right? They’re useful.

3. I would, however, love to go to culinary school. Since late 2016, I have thought really hard about this. We’ll see how that pans out. I have taught myself a lot of things in the kitchen, but I would really like to have that base knowledge that all chefs have – like knife skills, certain techniques, basic food staples, etc. 

4. The food I could eat every day for the rest of my life? Lasagna. How stereotypical Italian of me to say this, but I really love lasagna. Not the homemade kind that involves ricotta, but *gasp* the store bought frozen kind.  I do have a lot of favorite foods, mind you. But I could eat a whole pan of Stouffer’s Lasagna with Meat Sauce by myself if given the opportunity. I’ll admit that I ate a lot of the smaller personal-sized ones in college.

5. I watch a lot – and I mean A LOT – of Food Network and Cooking Channel. My usual program of choice is ‘Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives’ (FN/CC), but I also love ‘Dinner at Tiffani’s’ (CC), ‘Chopped’ (FN), ‘Beat Bobby Flay’ (FN/CC), ‘Burgers Brew and ‘Que’’ (CC), ‘Cooks vs. Cons,’ and ‘Bakers vs. Fakers’ (FN). I would love to try the restaurants that Guy Fieri has visited here in Minnesota on Triple D. And I get a lot of hosting ideas from Tiffani. 

6. Speaking of Guy Fieri and Food Network, I got to eat at both Guy’s and Giada de Laurentiis’s restaurants when I was in Las Vegas (in September 2016). And I loved every minute of it. I’m bummed I didn’t have a chance to go to any other celebrity chef’s restaurants while I was there. So here’s a short wishlist for next time: Buddy V’s Ristorante (though I did get a dessert from his Carlo’s bakery across the way from the restaurant); Bobby Flay’s Mesa Grill and/or Bobby’s Burger Palace; Nobu (I must figure out what the Kardashian’s love about it so much); Emeril Lagasse's New Orleans Fish House; Mario Batali’s OTTO Pizzeria; and Wahlburgers. 

7. I love White Castle! Whenever I am close to one, I typically demand whoever I am with to stop there. It’s a sickness really, but I love the sliders so much. And the onion chips. 

8. I have an obsession with seafood. Including sushi. I’m not exactly sure where this stemmed from – possibly from eating calamari on a boardwalk in Florida during a family vacation years ago – but given the option, I will often opt for seafood in dishes (i.e. shrimp fettuccine alfredo).

9. I am the person that eats strange foods for the sake of trying them. And I usually end up liking it. I am the Andrew Zimmern in my family 😆  I’ll try bizarre foods that make people squirm. 

10. I enjoy the smell of garlic and onion. 

11. I prefer a more globally-influenced dinner time. Americans notoriously eat dinner early compared to the rest of the world (around 5 or 6pm); other countries are more around 8-to-10pm. I tend to side with those people. Probably because I’m such a night owl. 

12.  Starbucks is my coffee place of choice. My go-to drink depends on my mood, but I’m currently loving the Sweet Cream Cold Brew ☕️   and the Berry Sangria herbal tea. 

13. I’m on a mission . . . a BEER mission. As a Minnesotan, beer drinking is almost a necessity, to go along with our fishing and our bonfires lol. The truth is that I like the idea of beer drinking, but hate the hoppy taste (meaning IPA’s aren’t my favorite). So I’ve set myself on a quest to find brews I actually enjoy drinking; this so far has included Negra Modelo (the one that started this whole thing), some pale ales, lagers, and plenty of hard ciders. Take a look at those I’ve tried HERE. I also like to actively try new wines and cheeses. 

14. The key to my heart? Chinese food. More accurately, Chinese buffets. But seriously, even Panda Express or Little Chopstix. Feast on Chinese food with me and I’ll probably love you forever. 

15. I am one of those people that pays just as close attention to plate and table presentation as I do cooking the meal itself. It doesn’t always get the appreciation it deserves, but I like to do it anyways. I also like to do the little extra things that make a meal an experience – such as sending someone a mailed invitation, setting up a “design your own name tag” station for drinking glass name tags, or parting gifts (I sent my family home with blackberry jam once). Just to list a few. I like to get crafty and creative.

16. I kind of have food sensitivities. I’m incredibly stubborn, so I refuse to stop eating things, but that’s also because my reactions to certain foods changes daily. Some days it effects me, some days it doesn’t. I just eat the food, deal with it, and move on. 

17. While I love all forms of cooking, I especially enjoy grilling. Charred parts and grill lines on foods 🙌  SO GOOD. I may or may not have ruined our glass stovetop with my double-burner-sized grill pan. 

18. I hardly ever go (because I can be such a late sleeper), but I love farmer’s markets. I really would love to go to more of them this summer, straw tote bag and all (after I find a good one I like). I’m totally getting into fresh produce and herbs lately, so now more than ever I would like to go. 

19. Speaking of farmer’s markets, the last time I was there was to get a bushel of cucumbers – to make my own sweet pickles. It’s something my mom used to do, but a year or two ago, I decided i wanted to give it a try myself. It’s a 14-day soaking and boiling process that makes the house reek of cider vinegar and pickling spices. But they are pretty much the only pickles I like to eat. 

20. I refuse to diet. I don’t understand how anyone could ever consciously decide to not eat what they like (especially with all the amazing foods out there!), nor have I ever understood the obsession over being skinny (my only thought about about being skinny is that it’s easier to find clothes to fit you). And funny enough, other than being overweight per the BMI (which I also believe is a crock of shit), my cholesterol and all my numbers are fine. So 😝  .

21. I possibly want to open up my own food establishment someday. But I think I would have the hardest time deciding what kind of place it would be (restaurant, cafe, food truck), what to name it, and what type of foods to serve. Like, it would probably be the most random conglomeration of foods ever. 

22. There is a list of foods I use to determine how much I like a restaurant and/or if I would go back. Obviously it depends on the type of restaurant and it’s not the only determining factor, but I always have to try the following if they have it on their menu – fettuccine alfredo, nachos, and club sandwiches. If they have a good version of these, I’d probably eat there again. 

23. I recently became a kitchen assistant for a cooking school! It’s a retail store technically, but some of its locations have a space for cooking classes. And sure, it’s a lot of washing dishes, but you also get to do the mise en place (a.k.a. recipe prep, like measuring out or cutting ingredients), as well as assisting the chef and the class participants in the kitchen. Probably one of the best moves I’ve made professionally. And part of the reason why I started this blog!

SIX FOOD THINGS I AM CURRENTLY OBSESSED WITH

Cilantro

Making my own sauces rather than using store bought (i.e. barbecue sauce)

Taco-ing foods 

Baking, especially breads and soft pretzels

Mexican Street Style Corn on the Cob / Elote (corn brushed with mayonnaise, then sprinkled with chili/cayenne powder and cotija cheese)

Caramelized or sauteed onions

RAPID FIRE ROUND

The hardest dish/meal I’ve ever made was . . .   Chicken Tikka Masala; it was so involved. There’s marinading the chicken, caramelizing onions, then simmering the sauce, grilling the meat, then putting it all together and letting it simmer some more. 

When I’m not cooking, you’ll find me . . . Eating 😂  But also reading, watching television/Netflix, spending time with my friends (which almost always involves going out to eat), writing and blogging. 

My ultimate destination getaway is . . .   Italy! I would love to spend an extended period of time (think like Eat Pray Love-style) in Italy so I could travel to all of the great cities – Rome, Florence, Milan, Venice, Naples, Capri; areas like Sicily, Tuscany, the Amalfi Coast. 😚👌 

My favorite dessert is . . .   Strawberry bananas they have at buffets! I also do my own version of it at home, with strawberry sauce and sliced bananas on top of ice cream. Furthermore, I’ve discovered a fabulous strawberry-rhubarb pie from Sam’s Club. 

My favorite ice cream flavor . . . Chocolate chip cookie dough. Preferably as a blizzard from Dairy Queen 😉  

Cake or pie? . . . Such a blasphemous question since they’re both so good, but I think I’m leaning more towards pie. 

My LEAST favorite thing about cooking is . . . Deciding what recipe to pursue with certain limited ingredients I might not always have access to; when I’m cooking for people who have picky palates and don’t like when I put “grass” (spices) on things; when I’m missing one ingredient/one utensil to make a recipe work. 

My favorite celebrity chef is . . . Alex Guarnaschelli, Guy Fieri, Michael Symon, Andrew Zimmern, Geoffrey Zakarian (for his ability to cook with wine in hand or the way he takes random espresso breaks mid-cooking), Scott Conant (he’s just reaaaaally��nice to look at), Mario Batali (for his ability to wear Crocs and yet be a serious chef), and Gordon Ramsey (’cause he swears like a sailor, just like me). Also, if we’re including celebrities who happen to cook, Tiffani Thiessen. 

If I were stranded on a desert island and only had 3 kitchen appliances with me, they would be . . . A fridge/freezer combo? That magically need not require battery nor electricity to function (as with all these items, I suppose). I probably wouldn’t mind be stranded on an island, I’d just want a way to keep my food items (like all the fish I’m sure I’ll catch haha) from spoiling. And it’ll have a fresh water thing built into the door so I don’t die of dehydration. Maybe a blender? I’m thinking island fruit smoothies with my ice from my freezer, and this particular island would have a potential Pirates of the Caribbean-esque hidden underground rum-running loot so I can mix boozy drinks 😉 Plus my island has edible plants, so blender would be useful to make like a pesto. Aaaaand... hmmm... I probably wouldn’t mind a stand mixer with all the attachments. Just in case. I’m sure I’d want it at some point or another.  

My favorite Minnesota State Fair food is . . . Not that I could ever really choose, but TOP FIVE THAT I ATE LAST YEAR (2016): Corn dogs (plural), cheese curds, deep fried fruit on a stick with chocolate sauce, deep fried alligator bites, and Luigi fries (cheesy breadsticks). 

Last year, I also had some new items worth noting: french toast bites with a berry sauce/whipped cream/Pop Rocks, Grain Belt BLU (Blueberry Lager), lefse with bacon and brown sugar filling, ostrich meatballs with three different sauces (orange, soy, and teriyaki), and Schell’s Beer Red Sangria Lager.

The best restaurant I’ve ever eaten at was . . . is impossible to choose! 

However, My top 5 restaurants are . . . Great Moon Buffet, Tucci Bennuch, Piada Italian Street Food, Green Mill (only the ones that still have the Alamo Nachos), and Pizza Hut. 

My favorite family recipe is . . . Maybe “mock chow mein.” It’s really more of a beef+pork meat and rice casserole with green pepper, onion, celery, mushroom pieces, and water chestnuts cooked in, alongside some condensed soups and other ingredients for flavor. Not really “chow mein” in the traditional Chinese food sense, but it’s delicious. A 9x13″ pan doesn’t last long at our house. 

Also, my maternal grandmother’s potato salad. Unlike so many of the store bought deli ones, her’s isn’t mustard-heavy. And the texture of it is just so much better. I’m not sure how to best explain it, but I have since taken on making it myself. 

Funny enough, I really disliked both these dishes when I was younger. Which probably means I need to go back through the family recipes and try some things again with my more advanced palate. 

My choice pizza topping is . . . Probably Hawaiian. That’s right, I’m a pineapple-on-pizza believer! I also like plain sausage pizza. But really I just love pizza in general, especially now that I’ve started doing my own homemade dough and gourmet-style toppings (i.e. BBQ chicken with my own homemade barbecue sauce and cilantro; a chicken alfredo with the addition of either sauteed mushrooms or black beans with basil or parsley; a chicken-bacon-ranch rendition I made for my brother). As with so many other foods, my topping choice simply depends on my mood.

My favorite breakfast . . . Either a ham-and-cheese omelette from some “greasy spoon” diner, or french toast. I’ve also started making this sort of “spicy Eggs Benedict” thing on my breakfast sandwich maker that I could (and do) honestly eat all the time for a quick meal. It’s half an English muffin, slice of Canadian bacon, slice of provolone cheese, an egg cooked to a poached consistency (I’ve fallen in love with creamy runny yolks), and topped with sriracha mayo. 

I take my coffee . . . With as much stuff to make it not taste so strongly like coffee. If not a specialty drink, then definitely with lots of cream and sugar. Usually some sort of flavoring (like caramel). Typically I go with a latte because that’s the one that’s more frothy milk than coffee. I also really like those “Steamers” from Kwik Trip that probably aren’t even coffee at all.

Soup or salad? . . . Ugh, this should be soup AND salad. All the food! But I’ve gone both ways with this, so it really just depends. I will say I almost always do soup at Olive Garden.

Favorite food movie . . . Eat Pray Love, Ratatouille, Chef, Julie & Julia. I want to talk about these some more, so I’ve a whole post dedicated to this coming up.

Favorite cocktails . . . Mojitos, Captain & Coke, Mimosas, I usually lean towards those fruity mixed drinks at restaurants (I had a really good Mai Tai in Downtown Las Vegas); also recently discovered Moscow Mules and now have a need for copper drinkware. 

Favorite sandwich . . .  Club sandwiches! But also, I crave “Sherri’s Chicken Sandwich” (a fried coconut chicken sandwich with honey mustard and avocado) from Craft Beer & Kitchen all the time. As well as my own homemade version of the Grilled Chicken Club I had at Pinstripes once – it’s grilled chicken, with bacon strips, a slice of provolone, avocado, and then instead of shallot mayo I make a cranberry mayo, and I use a ciabatta bun that I toast.

Cooking at home or going out for dinner? . . . It’s all about balance! And, once again, my choice really just depends on my mood. I love cooking things myself, but sometimes you just can’t beat getting a meal somewhere else. Especially when you’re looking for that more authentic experience or atmosphere. 

Food bucket list . . . This is a fantastic concept. I’m going to use a whole separate post to answer it. Keep your eyes peeled! 

Something I’m really proud of . . . Honestly? My ambitions, adventurousness, and fearlessness in the kitchen. And with that, the meals I’ve planned and executed with more effort than normal – so far a St. Patrick’s Day Dinner, Cooking a la Giada, Easter Brunch, Cinco de Mayo Tacos 3 Ways, Mother’s Day Build Your Own Pizza Party. Also, my courage to make a career change in my life by starting a culinary-based job.

One food you could never bring yourself to eat? Funny enough, olives. I don’t mind black olives on a supreme pizza because there are so many other things you don’t even notice them, but plain black or green olives... Just not my thing. I can’t even remember if I’ve officially tried any type of olive on its own or not.

The one food I’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet is . . .   My namesake sandwich. The Rachel (or even the Reuben). I just haven’t had the nerve to try it at a restaurant yet.