#but it definitely comes off as quite gay tbqh

[humofnight]

ahdjd the regency romance im reading is great fun and the hero/heroine is compelling

BUT. I forgot how the hero is supposed to have been old school rivals with the heroine’s brother and every time they speak of one another it has so much gay potential. Very much two principled people who found themselves on opposite sides of many things but not irreconcilable. Still hold the other in esteem despite being somewhat confused by the fact that they do. Feel as though they could have been close friends if either one of them could unbend enough to admit it.

[laufire]

Supernatural s3

It’s so unfair that the season that has Ruby AND Bela is so short :(((. I was done with it waaaay too quickly, and now I’m speed running through s4 xD (which, like the first time around, is Strong Mixed Feelings territory).

-My girl Ruby!!!! I was so happy to have her back, I kept grinning like a loon every time she was on screen. It’s quite interesting watching the 1.0 and 2.0 versions so close to each other, instead of as they air. I have... Thoughts, on whether Ruby as a double agent was something planned or that they decided as they went, but that’s for the s4 post. s3!Ruby really doesn’t come across as one (“I don’t believe in the devil” oh I wish sometimes xD, I love my nonbelievers), imo, but the beauty of such a device is that you can rationalize anything she does as devious if you want to xD

And it goes without saying that I love her interactions with Sam. THIS SHIP ISTG. I love how immediately ~attuned to her he is lol, his present and instinctive concern for her even if he tries to mask his interest as “practical”. And all the repeated times Sam’s conflicted between her and Dean -like when he deviates Dean shot (wasting one of the Colt’s bullets lmfao) or during the argument about the virgin sacrifice xD. And the “that’s my boy”/ “little fallen angel on your shoulder” quotes!!! Ruby 1.0 deserved to be railed by Sam too, smh.

My favourite episode of hers is “Jus in Bello” (which would be my fave of the season just by virtue of having both Bela and Ruby in the same episode lol. Not interacting, of course, the world as we know it wouldn’t have survived). I just love that she gets that final moment of I TOLD YOU SO to the brothers xD. I really like how she expands on the demonic lore of the show- I love, LOVE the detail about how all demons used to be humans, how they’re souls corrupted in hell. And that in her past life she was a witch (there was this really good fic in Spanish fandom about it... I need to hunt it down).

BTW, though I think her interactions with Dean in that episode are interesting, it really hammers home how much I hate him sometimes xD. Can you stop saying misogynistic slurs for TWO GODDAMN MINUTES, DEAN (and as we know from as early as this season, only HE can have demon/monster friends!! What a fucking hypocrite xD). I freaking love the moment in the finale when she viciously yells him about how she wishes she could see him in hell lmao (and how it foreshadows that when she shows sympathy later, it’s actually Lilith in disguise lmfao). I hate Dean gets the last word in their dynamic, tbqh. Until the s15 cameo, at least xDD

One thing that’s been bothering me xD: the French fries. Demons are vulnerable to salt, like other spirits, right? (and hey, look what a nice piece of foreshadowing that was). How does that translate to food lol. Because Ruby adores French fries, and they obviously contain salt. It’s like spicy food for humans? Or like pineapple? Inquiring minds etc. xD

-I still cannot believe Bela Talbot was only on the show for six episodes lmao. Her presence still lingers in the watchers’ heads so much?? Which is understandable because she’s Lead Girl Material if there was ever any lol. The care with which they styled her even?? You don’t do that for just any character lmao (I mean, just look at most of SPN’s female characters for comparison xD).

Her ship with Dean could’ve really been something, too -even if I hate Dean in it, I can’t deny it packs a punch, narrative-wise. I mean, the Batcat undertones alone!! The fake married undercover shenanigans!! And I think it’s really interesting that she’s such a blind spot for him; Dean’s unusually intuitive about people, but with Bela he takes everything at face value and she can fool him like no other (while, OTOH, is Sam who questions her facade and wants to see more). If he hadn’t been such an idiot (and such an asshole) he could’ve had a really powerful ship. Sucks to be him lol.

Anyway. Man, I love her. So much. I love how Gordon’s threats to kill her don’t work on her, and I love that the show basically said “Bela killing her abusive parents is good, actually” (I’m so tired of forgiveness narratives, you guys. This entire show is founded on revenge, so let me get my revenge fantasies in peace!!) xDD. And I love, LOVE that she withheld that truth from Dean, that she decided he wasn’t worth it. OTOH, you know, fuck the fans that got her written out, definitely; but on the other, I do love how her story ended (and that it was a clear "fuck you" to shitty fans). Doesn’t stop me for wanting to read and re-read (and maybe write!) even more “Bela escapes hell” fix-its, but still.

Also, very important question: what happened to her cat?? It’s the cat alright?? I’m going to headcanon that she left them with that cougar friend of hers lol.

-So. THE DEAL. Okay. Oof. I love this storyline, a lot. A loooot. I love the conflict it creates between the brothers (as long as there’s still conflict and Sam hasn’t yet started taking everything lying down I can enjoy that part of their narrative lol). I love Dean’s initial forced giddiness about “making the most out of his last year” and I love the moment Dean decides he does want to try to live because it makes the last few episodes all the most desperate and cruel (and hey, I’ve heard he only went to hell because the season was cut short due to a writers’ strike... if that’s true that’s so funny lmao).

My absolutely favourite part however? That you can FEEL Dean’s unvoiced resentment towards Sam. For Dean having to die for him, even if Sam never asked him to. He lashes out to Sam repeatedly through the season, but it really came to ahead in the dreamspace episode, where Dean confronts another version of himself that talks about how Sam was “dotted on” (the revisionism asldfkaf). This show is absolutely ruthless when it comes to showing you its characters’ ugly, unfair reactions to things and it’s my favourite thing evah.

Speaking of the dreamspace episode, OMFG. I loved both brothers there. Dean’s hallucination, seeing himself as a demon? And how he let out his anger about John?? Beautiful, truly (regarding John, I also loved their different reactions when it looked like his spirit had contacted them: Dean jumping on it and Sam detached skepticism). But my favourite part has to be when Sam uses the villain’s abusive father against him. Like. Damn. That was cold-blooded o.0

The second-to-last episode, when Sam tracked down that Frankenstein doctor to try and make Dean immortal was ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING OMG. I loved that. I love that Sam wanted to use it for both them. It was some scary shit. I also love the scene where the crossroads demon questions whether Sam really wants to break the deal, I’m gathering it’s going to be nice foreshadowing later on in the show lol.

Anyway. I also found Dean’s death scene more impactful than Sam’s. Partially because of the horror of it, but mostly because I think at this type of scenes, Padalecki is better. Sam’s grief felt more real, Dean’s got me out of the scene (it’s the voice, I think. Sometimes Ackles’ voice takes me out of scenes, it sounds... forced).

I also really enjoyed how the time loop episode wrapped around this subplot. It managed to be both heartbreaking and mind-numbly hilarious lmfao. Like?? All the deaths?? Were so pathetic?? I tip my hat to Ackles because I don’t think most actors could carry plots like this half as well lmfao.

Sidenote, it’s always a trip to see The Trickster God knowing that fucker is Gabriel. Archangel “hey Mary do you accept God knocking you up” Gabriel. Which I guess isn’t exactly a thing in this show?? Since according to the wikia SPN Jesus was “just a man” (and let me tell you, I’m tickled pink by the fact that out of ALL mythological figures, specifically all CHRISTIAN mythological figures, the show decided to go “nah” on Jesus Christ. I mean, I guess he’d take away from Dean’s, Sam’s and Castiel’s resurrection narratives, but still. It’s so funny!!).

-Gordon Walker remains a superbly acted and fascinating character with extra racist nonsense alsdkfjasdf. But I can’t deny I loved seeing him as a vampire. He was terrifying. And I’m definitely shipping him with Kubrick, ouch xD

-The Ghostfacers episode is... something. As in, incredibly exploitative and homophobic and with an egregious case of BYG (and the first where I’d say it’s incontestable to claim the trope was used. s1 and s2 are muddy territory given the circumstances, IMO, but this one is 300% BYG), but so successfully manipulative my heart hurt for Corbett and Corbett x Ed still. Fuck them for that ngl. I do still enjoy how anti-Winchesters they all are though xD

-3x01 introduces the one nice marriage of hunters so far, between a black couple. The man dies in a gross, horrifying way within the episode ofc (because he was Mean to the the brothers duh). She makes it out alive, and since she doesn’t reappear in the show she gets to live. So for now black women have a sliiiiiightly better track record in SPN than track guys there: they get to appear in a few more episodes and be more fleshed out (Victor, Gordon), but as long as they’re only in one episode they get to live!! (Cassie, Tamara).

-Rufus and Bobby are exes, right? Right?? Probably still married in some state? You know that post about how when gay marriage was legalized across the USA there were a lot of issues because some couples had split and never bothered to divorce, since it was only legal in one place? That post was made for them. Pity Rufus is a black man, and as such has a limited number of allowed appearances before he’s killed off ¬¬

-I would’ve enjoyed Dean’s moments with Lisa and Ben more (it’s just so RIGHT that in this moment he’d want Ben to be his) if my knowledge of future spoilers didn’t perpetually have me in a state of “pls keep this guy away from kids” lol.

-They had Harmony’s actress (BTVS) and they made her a vampire!! The show’s hard on for the Buffyverse is a bit of a hit and miss but I can’t say I don’t relate xDD.

-I know Jensen Ackles can sing (in fact thanks to youtube I know a few of the actors can... is there a musical episode. Does this show have its own OMWF. I need to know). So why. WHY. Does he sound like that during “Dead or Alive”??? I actually like the scene but he sounds so off-key lmao.

-BTW, I found out that apparently Katie Cassidy and Lauren Cohan originally auditioned for each other’s roles añslkdfjasf. I can’t picture it. Ruby 1.0 is Ruby 1.0 and Bela is Bela xD. Although I’ve seen each playing roles that could meld with the other, just. Nope. Good choice on the casting there lol.

[defliveblogs]

A Farewell to Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright

All right so I was GONNA do an illustration, but I’m tired and I have a lot of work and stuff to do, and tbqh I was mostly putting this off because I was like “I don’t wanna illustrate this, IDK what to illustrate” so fuck it, no illustrations for you.

That said, let’s chat about Ian and Barbara!

Long story short; I liked Barbara practically right off the bat, it’s sad to see her go. I hate Ian right off the bat, but over time I started to fall in love with him, and now I am also sad to see him go too!

Let’s get a little bit more nitty-gritty with the details though!

Let me start off by saying that so far, Barbara has been my favorite Classic Who companion and I’m really sorry she’s leaving! I really loved her as a character from pretty much the moment she was introduced, and two seasons doesn’t really feel like enough time with her!

(Of course, I feel the same way about Rose Tyler, Donna Noble, and Bill Potts - good companions who didn’t get long enough always break your heart.)

Barbara’s greatest moments to shine, I felt, came from her knowledge of human history - I think in “The Time Meddler” either the Doctor or Vicki even mentioned the fact that Barbara would have known what era it was quite quickly! Probably her stand-out episode was “The Aztecs” and for good reason - it’s apparently her favorite period in human history, and it sort of introduced the idea that human history cannot - or at the very least *should* not - be changed.

When it comes to character dynamic, Barbara was quite definitely the “mother” of the group - caring and protective, but in a “feminine” way that was nonviolent. Like all the female characters I’ve seen so far in Classic Who, she could at times be a little hysterical - but she was usually the rational, logical one compared to Susan and Vicki, which was always interesting to see.

I think what I’ll miss most about Barbara is her dynamic with the Doctor - in many ways she tried to “mother” him, too! And the Doctor absolutely knew it - look at his comment about her “meddling” and it becomes clear that he was both a little frustrated by it and very, very touched.

The worst criticism I can think of for Barbara is that at times she could be bland, or fall into the stereotype of the fainting damsel - she was definitely “in distress” more often than she was the hero. But frankly, I didn’t mind that all that much - especially because she wasn’t often in distress.

Now onto Ian!

The thing about Ian is that he’s bossy, self-centered, and thinks he’s the smartest person in the room wherever he goes. And here’s the thing about that; so’s the Doctor! It’s just that the Doctor is usually right, where Ian is oh so very wrong so very often!

At the beginning, his arrogance and casual misogyny made it very difficult for me to like him - I have a gut-reaction against male characters who insist on protecting the women by being boneheaded and stubborn, especially when they have no idea what the situation is!

Over time, however, I learned to like him; and Ian learned to soften up a little! For one thing, I think he started to recognize the Doctor’s intelligence, because he started deferring a little more and following the Doctor’s lead. Now, that didn’t mean he thought the Doctor was infallible - and this resulted in some high-quality snark, with Ian being pretty much the only character in the Tardis to criticize or question the Doctor!

Ian kind of naturally became the Doctor’s right-hand man - the “father” of the Tardis family in many ways, looking after Susan and Vicki, partnering with Barbara to complete things, and checking up on the doddering old fool of the Doctor. He was overprotective, which sucked; but he could also be funny, brave, and even a little vulnerable at times.

And I’m so sorry to see both of them go.

I guess the biggest question I have about the two of them is; were they supposed to read as a romantic couple? Or did everybody and their mother just assume they were based on the fact that they were affectionate, the same age, and a man and a woman?

The answer is “probably” but I noticed that a lot of the tropes that I would associate with a heterosexual TV couple didn’t show up - on the other hand, a lot of the tropes I associate with “flying under the radar” gay romance DID. So it’s easy to ship them; but everybody would argue that they weren’t a couple if, for instance, Ian was a woman... so idk?

Anyways. I’m sad to see them go. But I think I’ll enjoy seeing what the new Tardis dynamic will bring!

[lesbian-ed]

Hi! I'm really shy, but have a question and I think you guys can answer it better than anyone I know, so here's the thing: what if I know that I'm a lesbian, but when someone asks me, I just can't say it out loud? I will say that yeah, yeah, I like girls, but I can't get the word "lesbian" out of my mouth. I don't know why, because I'm definitely out of the closet though (I'm a butch so it's pretty visible I'm gay). Any advice? Does it happen to anyone else but me? Thanks in advance

Hello, anon!

I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve always been visibly gay as well, so it really was a bit strange to not be able to say the word ‘lesbian’ out loud in those first few years. To me, there was even the fact that, in my country, the word for it has the /k/ phoneme at the end (we say ‘lésbica’), which gives it a very striking sound – there’s no ignoring the word if someone says it aloud; you’re gonna attract attention when you say it.

‘Gay’ ended up being my go-to word in those times. Everyone knew what it meant and it sounded ‘friendlier’ – it wasn’t about wanting to distance myself from ‘rabid, hairy lesbians swinging axes and killing men’ (I always wanted to be nearer to this mythological creature that apparently inhabits the public consciousness, tbqh), it was just shame, I suppose. We all have to deal with our internalized lesbophobia at some point and I had tons of it to sort through. And even though I’m butch, I wasn’t out to my family for quite a while, so there was this half-life I was living: being out to the world and at the same time just formally undefined within my own house. In fact, it’s still hard to say ‘lesbian’, to people in my family, even if it’s not about me, though I’ve been daring lately.

Maybe that’s the answer, though, daring to say it. Not to everyone in the world, of course, you’re not going to get on a bus and randomly tell the driver, ‘good morning, I’m a lesbian’! But if you’re around trusted friends, if you’re in an environment where you can be open about it – why fall back on euphemisms? Why should we ever be ashamed of being who we are?

I’ve said it in another post, but lesbian carries meaning: it has weight, it has a history and it has pride. The fact that we hear this word being thrown around lightly, that we’re subjected to heterosexuals’ leers and frowns and derisive chuckles should not shame us out of our own word.

And it is ours, say others what they may, because none of the others available translate the certainty it does; it doesn’t have that nebulous and frankly juvenile connotation that comes with ‘sapphic’; it doesn’t encompass bisexuality as the useless ‘wlw’ acronym does; it doesn’t include homosexual men as ‘gay’ does; it isn’t as completely meaningless and all-embracing (when not offensive) as ‘queer’ – lesbian is clear-cut. It’s beautiful, it’s powerful to recognize yourself in a definition without having to explain further and to know that it holds not just yourself, but a whole plethora of women who are just like you; it’s amazing to know that, listen, strictly homosexual women actually exist and we’ve existed since the dawn of time -- and we have a word for that! Language is sometimes so lacking, but we have a word that speaks to us. Heteros have tried to take it (be it men stealing it to describe their vile pornographic creations or women co-opting it to justify their political leanings), the trans/q*eer crowd is trying to take it (and erase its meaning and us in the process), but they can’t have it. Try as they might, they cannot and shall not have it.

We are lesbians. And we shall not be made to feel ashamed of it, we shall not be scared off by the word that defines us.

See, daring to find strength in the word is a start – and there is so much strength in knowing who you are, there is so much strength in our recognizing ourselves, even though society tries to hide our natural existence at every cost, tries to make us believe we are hysteric, ill, gross… They can tell all the lies they want, but we, lesbians, are here, we’ve always been here.

I don’t know when things changed and I dropped other words, I don’t know when it will happen to you. But it started when I understood all that is contained in this simple little word, when I read it as a lesbian rather than with the glasses heterosexist society had given me; when it wasn’t heterosexuals’ twisted ideas of us, but when it translated our history, when it brought to mind all the lesbians that came before me – the writers I admire, the artists, the scientists, but also the ‘common’ lesbians who managed to live their lives authentically in defiance of the established order just by loving their partners fully, even if their names have not been passed down onto us…

A few days ago, I went out with an old friend of mine who was there when I first came out. In those times, I don’t think lesbian ever passed my lips. Now? I wear it with honour, I speak it with respect, love, passion. For it is mine, I am it; it does not limit me, it has freed me. And by heavens, it’s a beautiful word and although I was just born like this out of some random occurence in nature, I’m damn fucking proud of being a lesbian.

Say it, write it, roll it around on your tongue, anon. Strip it of the negative meanings others have associated with it, meanings that have nothing to do with it or with us. Dare to name yourself, dare to be. Slowly if you must, but surely.

/Mod T

[saltycvs]

Hello! Any Victuuri fic recs?

Oooh, this is awesome! i have a pretty distinct taste when it comes to fics, so these might not be your cup of tea. I rarely read long fluffy fics, and rn my focus is on these longer ones out there that have quite the plot haha.

MY FICS 

can i shamelessly promo myself? lmao i don’t think many people here know I actually write fics.

A Truth Universally Acknowledged by saltycvs (aka me), Explicit, 11k (WIP)

Yuuri Katsuki, under the name of Eros, is an exclusive dancer, performing for a high class audience. Phichit is his closest friend, making it a two-person act. He's young, desirable, but with the popularity of male dancers dwindling, he's struggling.

Viktor Nikiforov has a huge inheritance on his name, a large estate, and too much time on his hands. Though a popular painter, he's struggling to find his muse again. That is, until he sees a man by the name of Eros dance. After introductions, Viktor finds that same spark that he hasn't felt in a long time has suddenly flared up again. 

OR The self-indulgent, homoerotic victorian au nobody asked for and yet I'm here to deliver. okay so this is probably my least trashy fanfic and its like,,, my child lmao

Beautiful by saltycvs (aka me), Explicit, 10k (WIP)

At 23 years old, Yuuri Katsuki is still a virgin, lives with his best friend Phitchit, and eats 2 minute ramen noodles on a daily.

He has a Russian tutor, Viktor, who’s way too hot for his own good. They have one hour lessons every Thursday.

Here’s the catch: it’s all for Yuuri’s gay erotica novel because he’s a trashy romance writer. i actually hate this, i think the writing is pretty mediocre for me, and after I finish it, I’ll definitely be refining it. But people seem to like this and want more so I’m leaving it as is for now XD

MY FAVS

ayy all of these are amazing and I love them!

Blonde by Saccharine_Ghosts, Explicit, 101k (Completed)

Viktor Nikiforov is a son, a brother, a nephew, and the Pakhan of the St. Petersburg Bratva, but to him it's not enough. Something's missing, and he doesn't know what.

On a routine check-up of the sex-trafficing rings in the Bratva's American territory he takes interest in a young prostitute named Katsuki Yuuri, who's quiet and troubled; a perfect addition to Viktor's life. He hopes the boy can find life and love with Viktor in Russia, and that he can return the favour as well.

But not everything is as it seems, Viktor and Yuuri's pasts often come back to haunt them, and not every person in Viktor's circle loves Yuuri as much as he does, some even going to great lengths to make sure Viktor remembers the family business comes first.

This is Katsuki Yuuri falling in love, and getting in too deep. honestly?? I’ll stand this fic forever. No matter how many victuuri fics i read, this’ll be one of my favourites. I’m a sucker for the mafia!Au thing, and this one just captures it so well. Reading this had been a wild ride and put me through so many emotions tbqh.

Kintsugi by witchbane, Explicit, 90k (WIP)

Yuuri Katsuki is a hitman burdened with a debt he can never repay. His target: Viktor Nikiforov, next Pakhan to one of the most dangerous families in the Russian mafia.

When the two are drawn into a treacherous alliance after a mission gone wrong, the bonds of love and loyalty to family and duty begin to unravel—even as they get more tangled up in each other. wow, we’re following the pattern of mafia fics, i see. I was late to the game of reading this fic tbqh, but i heard such good things about it that i had to try it. i’m not going back now.

A Stranger’s Groom by SophiaFrederica, Mature, 18k (WIP)

Viktor has always felt a strange connection to Bridget Jones, something that Yuri will never understand. Sure, there are quite a few differences between them: first, Viktor doesn’t feel very insecure about his looks (apart from his thinning hairline) and second, he doesn’t embarrass himself regularly. He has also made an amazing career and with his status as a high-class celebrity, he probably won’t need to worry too much about money for the rest of his life. But there’s something in Bridget that Viktor understands better than anyone, the fear of never finding your true love and spending your whole life all alone. i only recently started this and so far i love it! I definitely suggest giving this fic a try!

SIngular by TrashKanForLife, Explicit, 14k (WIP)

Yuuri fiddled with the hem of his sweater, overwhelmed by the sheer formality of this floor. He's sure his favoured pair of sneakers only cover about twentieth of the costs for the workers' footwear and he wonders if they pay the salon daily for their sharp appearances. Yuuri does not belong here.

"Mr. Nikiforov will see you now." ahaha i live for 50 shades rewrites, and this just gives such a good vibe, the characterisation is wonderful, there’s no hula dancing mental goddesses, and viktor is just in love, anyway this is amazing and even if you have a deep set hatred for the 50 shades franchise like me, it’s 100% worth the read.

All Eyes On Me by kizuna_auri, Explicit, 103k (WIP)

Yuuri, under the username of Eros, is a size queen omega who most certainly does not have an obsession with fellow camboy and legendary silver-haired alpha Aria. Just like Phichit is not the most meddlesome roommate known to man. this fic is honestly my guilty pleasure. not for everyone, but damn do I like it. these boys make me wants to tear my hair out bc of the mutual pining, I swear. the recent updates just sHOOK ME

My Name On Your Lips by feelslikefire, Explicit, 108k (Completed)

Yuuri Katsuki has been betrothed to the High King's son, Victor, since he was just a child; furthermore, as an omega, he's forbidden from practicing magic in combat. For years, he's been able to put off the former because the Prince was traveling abroad, and gotten around the latter by practicing with his mentor in secret.

Now Victor Nikiforov has finally returned home, and Yuuri is being summoned to the capital for their wedding. He needs a plan to put off marriage long enough to find a way to break the betrothal, while keeping his practicing from being discovered.

If only the Prince didn't have other ideas. this is exactly my type of fic. the writing, the atmosphere, the plot... literally everything. I can’t express how much I love this. The way Viktor and Yuuri’s relationship developed was just wonderful. ugh. 

i have more fics i like but i thought i’d keep this post short n sweet? if you want any specific genre you want me to rec for, please tell me! I’m p much always on the victuuri tag on ao3 haha

[00001100x-blog]

8:05 AM; 6915

To my senPAI # 0, My one and only.

Before you start reading this, I would like to tell you that my head is 99.9% full of you so this thing probably won’t go as sane as I planned it to be (Okay, fine. I didn’t really have a plan buT I PLANNED IT TO BE SANE OKAY-). The other 0.1% is probably about me not being able to finish it since you know—I never really did finish a letter. (Okay maybe I did but that wasn’t counted okay. unu)

If you don’t notice, I’m a little bit of a neat freak. I want everything organized. From the font size to how it will be bolded or whatever. Please don’t mind it. I just—I just am reaaallly organized when it comes to details. Heh. (And for some reason I feel so gay doing it.)

This letter is going to be soooo fucked up. I just write whatever I think about so most likely, the thoughts would be mixed and messed up. I’ll try to fix it up and make it look as decent as I can, okay? ouo

oKAY ANYWAYS,

I’m sure I would feel a little regret sending this because 1- #manlinessgoneonceagain and 2- I really think I shouldn’t let you die down in a pool of embarrassment and cringey-ness because you may not be able to breathe or something. Actually, even if I find your embarrassment cute, I just end up worrying a lot because who knows if you suddenly do a weird thing because of it and get yourself hurt (Please don’t fall on whatever or wherever you’re rolling at, okay-). /shot just bcs/

But yeah. For now, I’m gonna accept my unmanliness and write you something again just because I had the need to. I don’t really think I would like to hand this to you as soon as I finish it because after writing it, I’m sure I would ask myself this: “Why the hell did I write this gay again?” and sob + laugh at myself after thinking about it for quite some time.

Since you told me what happens when you get embarrassed, I think I should tell you my little um… habit whenever I think of something. Something most likely evil to you, that is. I actually tend to laugh at my own idea. I once laughed so hard I choked on my own spit and end up coughing for quite a time. You can laugh at me—I’m not stopping you because actually, thinking about it, it’s really a pretty funny sight.

It wasn’t entirely Soojung that persuaded me to go here. As far as I could remember, Jessica did too—and actually, I really didn’t plan on joining Sbliss. I wasn’t really convinced with their promotion /sHOT TWICE/, okay- I was actually really busy with daebak that moment, being admin and all + I was also busy with sch—Not really.

Soojung once even had to show me your selcas and stuff because she really thinks I breathe Amber + Maybe it would make me join sbliss for once. (Which in fact was that I live Sullism that time.) I admit though, I did say I wanted to marry you twice. Oh my god- Why am I even telling you this? skjdfhaksdf

But there was a point where I really wanted to take a break from daebak so yes, that’s how I ended up joining Sbliss.

I actually don’t know what came into me when I started liking your stuff. It just felt so right. I was like… “Oh wow, this person looks easy to bully let me spam her then later on I’ll spam the others too but that’s later on hehehehe. /lIKES EVERYTHING” That time, I didn’t notice I was liking your stuff hours straight already and wow, I did forget to eat because I found spamming you so fun. Truth be said though, I do spam when I don’t have anything important to do.

Okay- I’ll tell you a secret, though.

I really didn’t want to have a relationship with anyone nor did I want to enter SBliss because of you from the start. I mean- No. I really didn’t have such thoughts because I just wanted to be friends with people and talk and socialize and you know—

That was when I entered SBliss, at least.

bUT NOPE NOPE nO I WAS TOTALLY WRONG.

And by totally, I mean totally. A really huge avalanche of “wrong”.

That thought was a huge mistake because slowly,

Slowly I start thinking more and more about you.

And goddammit, I didn’t know if that was right or wrong.

I really just wanted to bully and squish you that time. Wha- What happened?

It actually felt like the world was fLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN.

But yes, of course I told nobody because I’m the secretive person I am—Not even Jessica knew about it.

Though it was a given that they reALLY think I came here for you.

You know, there would be times that I really wanted to think of something else but then you just come up my mind and won’t get off of it. I don’t know how I survived that time trying to deny whatever things I feel for you because I really saw you as one of my first friends in here even if you’re quite evil and won’t believe my innocence. (It still does exist but I think it just never appeared before you. unu)

bUT DAMN, You were so fun to be with and I just really forget the time when I’m with you. The cuteness is a bonus, though.

Now I kind of regret typing that out- Ew I’m so embarrassed of myself.

What else should I say—

Hm. I don’t know hehehe. /shot/

oKAY OKAY

I know some of what I say and did might have scared you a lot. I’m really sorry about that, okay? I know I could be one hell of a jerk and I really didn’t mean to be like that. It’s just that… I just—I just say and do these things without even thinking about it first. That was very immature of me. Don’t get too mad at me for that, hmm?

I try very hard not to upset you or piss you off or anything but I still end up doing it. But really- I try my best(est) not to okay- rEALLYYYY. I promise. I really try my best not to upset you in anyways. Actually, I am really very careful of my words. (ok, not all the time, though.)

Also, it doesn’t mean that I kind of bully you and compliment you a lot means that I’m actually going against you, okay? Actually, when I do it, it just means that I really think you’re cute or maybe that I really appreciate your cuteness. eue

Serious, though. Even if you’re scary, you’re still the cutest to me.

You’re never a handful to me, okay? Don’t think that you are. Though you may get really angry, jealous or pissed off for some reason, I never thought of you being a handful. Wow. Why am I so understanding? I’m so nice. Ew. I shall get mad one day. /nods/

If ever I decide on not being to nice. Hahaha

I wasn’t really this nice before-

oKAY OKAY FINE I WAS ALWAYS THIS NICE.

… Half of the time, that is- eue

10:36 AM

–

11:39 AM

So because I don’t really have anything in mind, I thought I should stop for a while and just—roll around and keep talking to you while watching a drama I never paid attention to. (I basically just skip on the cringe-y parts and send you messages as it plays. /sHOT HARD/)

LeT ME CONTINUE WITH MY STUFF–

Actually, I tend to really look down at myself and tell everyone that I’m the worse.

I mean—I really think that I am bad at mostly everything.

Actually there was this time where I think I really can’t catch up to your standards and that I forget everything easily and that I fail.

I feel that even my typos are really unacceptable tbqh

But yeah,

I’m starting to think it’s okay because you don’t mind it.

Because you don’t mind my weirdness and fails even though most of the time I’m pretty much the definition for weird and failure.

You still do make fun of them but yeah-

At times I don’t think I’m actually boyfriend-y enough. (If ever that term exists.) I actually don’t think I treat you the best I could so everyday, I try my best to be better (But most likely, I still end up being the weirdo I am). I try my best to be a little more oppa- like to but yeah. I guess being an oppa type of guy isn’t my style. Maybe I’m really created to be a little kid forever and ever and eveRRRRRRR. I feel bad about that because I think that maybe you think that you should look after me, not the other way around.

I’m sorry I have some weird insecurities—I know you never heard about them at all. eW. I feel like a gay saying this all to you right now but meh.

Wow. This letter is getting long. I haven’t even gone to the best part yet—

So yes.

What else should I say-

Yes, so I don’t think I have told you this but I really appreciate each and everything you do to/for me. I know you try your best to endure all the praising and the bullying I’ve done. All your efforts, every little thing you tell me. I appreciate it, okay? Okay.

Wow I don’t know what to say now-

Oh yes-

So I am really pretty disturbed whenever I wake up at a weird hour in the morning and want to badly talk to you. I mean- I wouldn’t want to wake up and disturb you since you’re a really light sleeper and I don’t really want to ruin your sleep much more.

(The thunder’s pretty much distracting me. It’s getting louder and louder and yeah- It’s distracting. Followed by heavy rains- Wow this reminds me of you so much I–)

There are actually times where I badly wanted to tell you nonsense at 2AM and there are also times where I really don’t wanna go and leave you even if I badly needed to—this is why I don’t wanna sleep even if I really am so sleepy. Wow what even why am I telling you this—

1:12 PM

–

3:06 PM

I actually wonder why I keep on telling myself “Oh. Here’s the romantic part, Here’s the romantic part.” When I actually haven’t even written something romantic- This is the fourth page already and I still don’t get to write you the romantic part. I’m trying my very best of thinking something romantic right now-

So for now, let me repeat the things I keep on telling you.

Again, please forgive me for my endless praises and compliments okay? I just do really think you’re cute.

No.

You’re beautiful. As you said, it’s what the inside that counts. It’s your words okay- I don’t think you will doubt your doctor- ness, right? eue

And though it doesn’t look like it, you are really so innocent. Just like a little kid. A little girl, to be exact. I don’t think I could see someone else as pure and cute and innocent as you are when you talk about the things you like. When you talk about animals, candies, stuffed toys and really cute stuff.

I don’t think I would find someone as cute as you when you suddenly do those ridiculously cute random things when you can’t say anything anymore.

iDK y R U LIKE DIS U TORTURE

But yes ok- No matter how much of a mental torture you are because of your cuteness, I still love you.

I wanted to write every single thing I adore about you but I’m afraid that you’re going to either be weirded out or get too embarrassed so I guess I shall not enumerate each one of them. Besides, I think you would get too lazy reading in the middle of it and fall asleep. Four pages is already quite long, What else if it becomes ten, right?

I don’t want to be the next John Green alright so I’d just stop right here and carry on with this letter. My goal right now is not to end up writing you a novel- like letter even though I’m sure it already is one.

oKAY OKAY

What to say again—

Actually I have a lot of things I wanted to tell you right now but wow, now I’m writing it, it went: “Poof. All gone hehehe good luck Eric, try to remember us all. eue”

Wow so my brain is pretty much going against me- I actually an trying to remember whatever I wanted to tell you but i don’t remember them anymore I’m wtf at myself ene.

I guess my brain really gives me a hard time whenever I try making you a letter because this just keeps on happening to me. I guess I’m lucky enough to reach the fourth page without any hardships. My mind being a bitch plus you being super cute though—I don’t think that this will really result well. My mind is starting to create chaos and I don’t think I would be able to remember what I wanted to tell you since earlier-

5:15 PM

–

7:30 PM

I’m sure I won’t be able to keep the fact that I wrote something for you as I showed you a peek already—A peek of how much of a long and boring letter I made you. This time, I hope that I will end up with a big smile and an accomplishment. An accomplishment that I, Eric the PeaNam, wrote my one and only legit senpai, Amber Liu a more than 2,000 word letter. Awesome.

I think if I wait till the twelfth, this will be long enough as a chapter or two. I guess I shall send this to you as soon as I finish.

And I shall finish it immediately- As fast as I could so I wouldn’t be able to drag it any longer because the longer it stays with me, the more chances I’d be adding a lot of unnecessary things. – Like what I’m saying right now.

I wanted to end this letter with really, really sweet words- God. I don’t think this letter is romantic eveN ONE BIT. Dammit, I wanted it to be sweeter than sugar.

But anyways, I think it didn’t get to the pont. It is a little off. I’m sorry about that. As I said, I really haven’t really written anything legit in a long time. I actually think that more than half of what I wrote is pure crap. I think I keep on repeating my words as well. I do this to most of my letter for some reason- I just keep on going round and round till I think I’ve said enough.

Okay, All I really wanted to say here is that I love you, okay?

I love you, I love you, I love you so much. Very much.

And I’ll do my best to be more and more better each day and make sure I never step off of my spot and continue holding your heart. I’ll make sure to get arrested as well. Because I know and I am sure I have at least to pay back for stealing your heart, right? Heh.

Just make sure to stay by my side because without you I feel so cold. (Geddit, geddit? ouo)

I guess I’d have to end my letter this way- I’m sure I haven’t told you everything in my mind right now but I’m sure that each and every one of my thoughts screams I love you on max volume—Probably even louder than that if possible.

9:09 PM.

By Eric Nam. 6915.

Total words: 2,699 (Time and emoticons included)

Pages: 5(portrait)/ 4 (landsacpe)