#but it def accelerated things

[blackwoolncrown]

hey, how do you feel about death? are you ever scared of it? or how do you feel about knowing you will eventually die?

No. The only anomaly was I got GAD for a while which feels like you’re alwayas about to die which is just exhausting and would drive anyone up the wall. And it was frustrating for me bc I knew I wasn’t actually afraid to die– it was more of an ego paranoia.

For most of my life I’ve ID’d as the thing inside me and not specifically the person I am. So I always knew I’d die bc things died, I just didn’t see this as being meaningfully scary. When I was in my early 20s I reminded myself all the time that I would get old some day. When ppl would envy my age, I’d remind myself in my head that I would be their age too, some day. I did not want to be attached to my youth or be one of those people who never thought about death- then suddenly have a crisis about it. This actually did happen to my partner though, who got critical Death Anxiety, and helping him through that was a scary and eye opening experience. 

At most, people are not afraid of death, I don’t think. They are afraid of long, drawn out suffering. They are afraid of the sorrow associated. They are afraid of the time before death- a scary event, a car crash, getting murdered. But these are all ego fantasies. It is the ego that’s afraid to die, and it is just afraid of death as it is of change in any form, because it considers this death, too.

I will say, when I had GAD, I was still a very spiritual person, and the fear + zeal I was dealing with actually led to me being afraid of ecstasis. And this is kind of what I mean. I’d have these experiences of ecstasis AND worries about spiritual awakening which should be the best thing in the world but it terrified me even though I’d been chasing this very thing from childhood. I was so afraid of being drawn out of myself that I refused any situation where my (ego’s) hold on my consciousness would be loosened- at one point I even got molars extracted only under local. I fought GAD…then I got tired and accepted it, and that’s when I began to really recover (along with all the meditation & chakra work, lifestyle changes etc– it takes ALL bases).*I realized, too, that I was so afraid of letting go. Overcoming this fear was key. I had stopped smoking weed, I’d become anxious when relaxing or meditating, I suddenly, strangely wanted to be ‘holding on’ all the time which was so odd for me bc I was a person who from childhood was always looking for mind alteration– but at some point your ego gets freaked that you’re not listening to it enough and will indeed shake the table.

Let it, though– your ego is afraid because it is the only thing that dies.I also realized that I had already been forced to let go. In passing out during a panic episode, in undergoing surgery, I had let my mind experience utter blackness in which I myself was certainly not ‘holding it safe’. What was? For it was returned to me just as I’d left it, the way it was returned to me after my first explicitly spiritual vision. I know what, now, and laugh that I wasn’t more relieved then. 

Fear is illogical. Remember that. Breathe deeply whenever you are afraid, and know clear thought is always more valuable than succumbing to panic. Panic is strong because it seems rational, while it is ravaging your body to make you believe you are suddenly at risk. Panic is an interesting little demon, and a good teacher.At the end of the day, people are afraid of being afraid. I choose not to reflect fear or misery related to death to the world, in regards to ppl passing or age happening. People are mirrors that reflect what they’ve been shown, and a large reason here are so afraid of death is simply because they are not given a cultural means and language for realistically, directly and practically dealing with the source of this fear on a psychological or even rational level. Many people are afraid of not existing, of blinking out, of it just ‘ending’ but they don’t realize that it is not possible to experience non experience. You can’t be sad about this, you’re not there. Only the livimg mourn. So some of us are actually afraid of causing our loved ones the trouble of grief. And I think that if a culture had a more death positive way of being, we could relieve the dying of this, also. Because they have their own inner journey to deal with, and shouldn’t be surrounded by people telling them how hard it is to let them go, binding them up with their own ego attachments, begging them to ‘hang on’. Leave them be. If they are meant to recover they will, and won’t be helped by stress from the external world. If they are not meant to, that is okay also, be grateful to be with them and patient in their process.We suffer feeling separated from Gxd, separated from the Earth. But death is the one guarantee we have of returning to these states. Do you see the irony? Just remember, the you that thinks ‘I am me’ is the smallest, shallowest form of what you are. It is contemporary and thus inherently transient, but mind is not. It and it alone fears death. The blackness of death is no scarier than the blackness of the womb.To answer your question most directly, how do I feel about knowing I will die? 

It is a relief I keep in the very back of my mind, not a fear. I am doing a good job here and I swear I will do my best each day I wake, and I do truthfully enjoy it. But I am not attached to it. It seems daunting to think that I should have to be me and handle this world with this mind from this little spot for too long- people who want to live centuries haven’t thought about the prospect long enough. It is perfection and mercy that allows us to forget things we no longer remember, that makes us surrender our waking egos to sleep, and death is the highest order of these intervals. Death will come to me like a merciful friend and dear lover arriving with the motherload of DMT hits. Even if there is no other realm to cross into, even if there is no more sense to this existence and it does all end- which I don’t believe but do consider and accept- that would be fine by me. ‘I’ can’t do this forever, and I don’t want to. You shouldn’t, either.I love the universe. And I will wait patiently for the day it tells me I am done.