#but irl is better than online in this regard because i actually get my distress over symptoms comforted and it helps

[mudrocksys]

I wrote an entire thing about the downfalls of adding PK to servers from a moderation standpoint but eventually i just put it in the drafts to instead address something different, something i think Circ and FF didn't touch upon (even though their additions are very good) but it'll be a bit long so bear with me.

I joined a server dedicated to talking about various cartoons (no specific focus, although I joined for one cartoon), it's also a roleplay server. I'm personally very uncomfortable with roleplay for reasons I'm yet to understand, but I was fine joining, and saw the server had Tupperbox in it. Of course I was just talking there pretty casually, sharing fics and headcanons, you know, typical fandom experience, but I also talked a bit about general topics in the general chat. So one time, the server was talking about the roleplay bot - about how some people made weird tuppers and stuff - and I made a joke about thinking other systems were here because I saw Tupperbox before seeing the roleplay channel. My mistake was saying "other". That was it. I expected the conversation to keep going on its original path, what I didn't expect was the admin of the server immediately going;

"oh I didn't know!! I'm so sorry, do you want us to add pluralkit?"

My immediate response? Dread. I said no, and it was added anyway, "just in case". I felt shitty, like I had made them feel ableist for not adding it, like they were forced to. But I felt shitty for other reasons.

I didn't like being put on the spot like that having an entire conversation between 5 different people stopped just for me, I didn't like people assuming I couldn't function without pluralkit, I didn't like the assumptions about my system structure– the assumption we used pluralkit by default (that literally was a lucky guess), but the reason why I didn't want pluralkit there was because I had joined the server not as Mudrock the system, but as Zara the system host. I'm the one who likes the cartoon, I wanted to talk about it there, it's a thing that's mine and for the conversation to be shifted from "zara the user" to "zara subset of mudrock the user" feels... uncomfortable. Our switches aren't common and a lot of our other members drop discord completely asides from important conversations or niche personal interests, so it just looks like our system is Me and Me alone most of the time, and I don't like that image.

I feel pressure to show my alters, to show my system card, to show anything – everything – because it just reaffirms that little nagging feeling of faking. It reminds me I have a 89% front percent on PK. It reminds me I don't remember losing time after a while or that usually there aren't chatlogs of what happened while I wasn't fronting, and even though I'm very much dissociative – even though I've been "diagnosed" by a shady unregulated medical center, more qualified physicians have said my dissociation was evoking clinically significant distress – I feel fake because every time I type I can feel the eyes on me, the eyes that expect a different person to pop up just because I'm a system and they whisper if you're not going to be someone other than Zara why did we add this bot for you to begin with?

Tl;dr, I don't like people adding pk to servers when they find out I'm a system because it makes me feel like I have to "earn it".

The position of "add PK for accessibility you have no reason not to" exerts pressure on moderators to accommodate hypothetical systems who might not even join because they don't want to be ableists in any shape or form (like how MY wishes were ignored in favor of "just in case"), but it also exerts pressure on the preexisting systems who don't want the complex struggles of existing as a system (yes, that includes syscourse) to carry over into an escapism space.

Add PluralKit to your goddamn servers. There is no fucking excuse. I'm so tired of asking and being told no for bullshit reasons. You're a moderator. Moderate your goddamn server.

Do not deny accessibility options for people just because someone might abuse it.

I have never seen someone actually misuse PluralKit or TupperBox for nefarious purposes. The only instance it's been misused in our recollection is when it was used to roleplay, to which we asked them to stop and they did.

Just admit you're fucking ableist and move on. I actually hate you. If you don't add PluralKit when asked, I genuinely hate you

🧬

[firebunnylover]

Hannah Watches LoSH - Chain of Command

Ho boy... has it been a while since I've been doing this. I apologize to everyone for the wait, but a lot of things been going on for me IRL. I recently got approval for student loans so I’m just waiting for that to come in before school, which will be full time this next semester. I'm trying to resume this on a regular basis as means with coping with recent... frustrations. 

Also, if you notice inconsistencies with the different gifs regarding fonts, that is because I was busy figuring out how to make sure they stood out. And then I had computer problems right as i was halfway done making all of them. And then I thought I lost them. 

BUT WHILE MOST OF THE FILES WERE OKAY, I HAD TO GO AND FIND EACH GODDAMN INDIVIDUAL FONT.

So if it takes me a while to get the next one out, know that there is a good chance it’s because I had a heart attack OR/AND I seem to take my frustrations out on my pillow via screaming...

Chain of Command

We kick off the episode with the Cruiser going highspeed someplace, while the Legion are trying to maintain contact with people, Lightning Lad seeming to be the most concerned.

Wow the same face syndrome here is worse than with Disney.

Lightning Lad asks the people on screen how they're holding up, to which they reply that they need help as the storm they're experiencing is getting worse.

You gotta give this show credit for constantly making Bouncy pilot on board.

Oh. That ain't good.

DON’T GIVE THIS PLANET SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE TREATMENT GARTH!

… Ohhhh...

As soon as the opening finishes playing, we see the Cruiser is still speeding, and Lightning Lad is incredibly anxious about arriving to his home planet. To the point he's constantly asking for updates from the team.

Sooo history class time?

He then goes to describe Winath, stating it's the "breadbasket of the galaxy", as it provides most of the galaxies food supply.

Certainly makes his farm boy insults from the first episode look weak.

But he moves on to discuss that cosmic storms used to be a big problem for Winath until they built "THE CORE DIFFUSOR STATION". A station that turns storm energy to usable energy. But unfortunately, the current storm is way more powerful than the maximum the station can handle, which makes the Legion's first priority to make sure the station doesn’t overload.

Awwww~

However, as soon as they approach the planet, turns out that storm is way worse than anticipated. Saturn Girl manages to get in contact with the people on the planet that are in the shelter.

SO MANY TWINS.

Ah, parents... gonna have to discuss them later.

Saturn Girl you should have caught him in your arms. You're the only one who hasn't!

Seeing as the Cruiser wasn’t built for the storm either, Lightning Lad instructs the Trips and Bouncy to stay on board while everyone else takes the battle pod.

Wait. Battle pod?

Huh.

Don't crash, this isn't the Intergalactic games.

Well, that's what he get for telling another person to do something outside their capabilities.

Unsurprisingly, Lightning Lad crash lands. Typical.

And that's why Lightning Lad is not the pilot on the usual schedule...

Upon entering, the place looks trashed but Lightning Lad says they got there just in time. Mm-hm.

Whom?

Aww he lookin a little heartbroken for a moment~

Bromance.

And then the introduction between Superman and Cosmic Boy. And honestly, Cosmic Boy starts to fanboy a bit.

JEALOUS GARTH!

Lightning Lad demands to know what Cosmic Boy is doing on Winath, and he states they got a distress call...

Wait. Plural?

Turns out he brought someone along. Ferro Lad.

Ok I can't help but laugh a little bit at this.

Cosmic Boy encourages Ferro Lad to demonstrate his powers, which is turning into Metal. And then Lightning Lad interrupts. He tries to give orders, but Cosmic Boy quickly overrides him, having Superman Lighting Lad and Colossal Boy and Ferro Lad stabilize the building while he and Saturn Girl and B5 go to the core.

Aww.

He snaps out of his emo mode pretty quickly though and goes to work.

The core meanwhile is well beyond f***ed, making Cosmic Boy project a magnetic field over the central part, but doesn't seem like it will last.

Outside, Lightning Lad is whining to Superman about Cosmic Boy about bringing in a new member with no audition, only for Superman to say it seems like a good choice.  

Wow, it's like this show loves making Superman compatible with just about everyone.

Unfortunately, the generator they were trying to put back together outside overloads.

Ouch.

He isn't able to contain the core, and Brainy is unable to work on it, and the radiation happens to be building, getting ready to blow. When trying to reaching Superman, due to communication problems caused by radiation from the core. But who needs communicators when you got Saturn Girl?

She quickly instructs Superman to get the core out ASAP, and he does. But when it blows, he passes out, making it impossible for her to reach him.

As Superman is falling back to Winath, Bouncy goes to save him.

What a pure relationship.

Unfortunately, they lose sight of him in what I assume is smoke. THankfully he lands on the ship.

Bouncy then has to maneuver the ship to prevent debris hitting them, which does make superman tumble, but Triplicate Girl catches him from the hatch door.

But the debris decides that the cruiser isn't enough to pick on, and targets the guys that are still on the ground, while throwing in cyclones into the mix. So ground team goes to meet up with inside team.

As there is no core to help pacify the weather, Cosmic Boy and Lightning Lad get into an argument on getting the system back online vs saving whatever they can.

When Lightning Lad asks who's going, much to his surprise, Ferro Lad and Colossal Boy volunteer. Brainy stays, being the nerd he is.

And there's the jerk persona again.

While outside and fixing a bridge, Ferro Lad confronts Lightning Lad.

Okay. That would include the entire BatFam on Lighting Lad's suspicious people list.

… WELL NOW I DO.

Back on the cruiser:

TRIPLICATE GIRL IS THE TEAM MEDIC!

Bouncy notices a pattern to the storm, but gets ignored by the ground team. And then despite protests, Superman leaves as well.

I feel u.

Meanwhile, Brainy is building a replacement for the old core. When Saturn Girl asks what she can do, Cosmic Boy tells her to step back so she doesn’t get hurt.

The outdoor squad is still struggling with the damn but Lighting Lad flies off when he sees a farm getting wasted by the debris, despite Colossal Boy's statement on not being able to save everything.

He tries to blast away the hail that's falling, but can only split the largest piece in half, which still does a lot of damage. Superman does arrive to help knock the hail stones away, but the ground starts to fall out from underneath.

DUDE THE HOUSE IS FALLING APART WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED?!

Wait. That room.

Oh.

OH

OH SHIT OW NO STOP MY HEART IS NEVER READY FOR THIS PART

Just as the house is going into the ground, Lightning Lad flies out just in time.

Ow.

After this, we cut to Lightning Lad telling Superman that it was his home.

OW.

Saturn Girl contacts them to inform them that Brainy fixed the power system, and they fly off to go back.

When asked where she’s going, Saturn Girl states she's going to the shelter, to which Cosmic Boy says she's too vulnerable. And thus she lays down the best burn she made yet on this show.

List of things that have happened to her beforehand:

-Carried off by Timber Wolf while he was in full feral mode

-Nearly blasted by Alexis

-Trapped in a fear-feeding abomination of a space station AND GOING THROUGH HER WORST FEAR OF ROLLER COASTERS

-Trapped in the Phantom Zone

She’s dealt with worse.

Ok if even Brainy, one of the least sociable of the group, knows you f***ed up, then you f***ed up big time.

Back on the cruiser, Bouncy predicts where the next massive part of the storm will hit. The damn, where it will rupture, causing mudslide and sinkhole at the shelter.

But the people on the planet won't listen. At first.

YAS BOI

Yeee

With everyone finally getting in line, Bouncy gives instructions.

As the boys are working on this, Saturn Girl arrives to the shelter, offering assurance they will be ok.

Back with the boys, yes I know, that was fast, Lightning Lad starts a fire intentionally, and Superman moves a tornado, directing the flood into what I assume is another river, lake or possibly ocean. It ain't a pond, I know that.

The station finally goes back online, and it seems to be functioning.

WElp, Brainy certainly likes to leave his signature.

So pure~

Back with Saturn Girl as she and the Winathians begin exiting.

Sarcastic SG is what I live for.

Lighting Lad arrives, with the picture he saved from the house. But doesn't go for Saturn GIrl.

Hmm.

We cut to the cruiser leaving Winath, and Cosmic Boy and Lighting Lad soon dissolve into another argument.

Wait, MONTHS?! Yeah, Lightning Lad has a right here to be mad, give an update at least once a week.

Fair enough. If Lightning Lad knew where you were, he probably would have made a massive bad impression.

I thought that was Tinya's role... then again I doubt she enjoys it.

Aww, poor ferro lad.

So, to put this argument into the ground, they hold an election. Probably will end better than the american ones can.

Nothing but respect for my team leader.

THIS SHIP IS CANNON!

Is Mekt in jail? Or do you consider him more of a nuisance on the level of STAR FINGAH?

But yeah I guess nothing can go wrong.

… SHIT.

So final thoughts on the episode overall and the characters

This was the first episode without a villain character. The main conflict is among the team and trying to keep the planet from being shredded. It's also the only episode with no villain character. I really wish we got more episodes like this, or even on the Legion's everyday mundane lives.

As for the storm plot point, it does remind me a lot of actual natural disasters and nuclear disasters. Which I think from a writing stance is a good thing.

Now. Winath. In all honestly, I kind of want to do a whole post on Winath culture and on the Ranzz family and my personal thoughts, but I'll put some tidbits of that discussion in here.

Big source for food in the galaxy. How big is that planet? Earth size? Moon size? Seems suspicious they only showed us one shelter and that there's only one station, so I'll have to go with moon, maybe smaller. So that should mean that year-round it is the optimal place for most crops. Minus cosmic storms.

But onto the whole subject of why there are so many twins.

In the comics, it was completely normal for twin births, while solo children are the minority. We aren't given any particular reason why though. We did see some people without twins in the shelter, but that doesn’t mean they weren't born single.

Another thing from the comics I want to mention is that Solo children were stereotyped as psychopaths.

Hmm. Wonder how that could possibly negatively impact kids who were solo on Winath. I said sarcastically, looking at a certain trash baby.

When I first watched this, this was when I started doing research into the old Legion comics. Where Mekt was about as sane as a cat on catnip. And had no sense of fashion.

Yes, of course I'm bringing the Trash Lord into discussion, he was in a photo! Don't worry, I'll keep the topic on him short.

Mm. He doesn't seem very happy. Pretty distant from everyone else. Gonna have to go with the possibility that solo children don't get the best treatment on Winath.

… Wonder how he felt hearing about the whole event for this episode?

And then there is the subject of Mr. and Mrs. Ranzz. How did they treat their sons exactly? Because clearly they love Garth and he did a lot of accomplishments, but Mekt came out as a mess.

In a post from Tom Bierbaum, who worked on the comics, located here, he describes the family as ”...Bit of a mixed bag. There was a lot of good there, but the parents were probably highly accomplished, career-driven people who expected nothing less of their kids but were so wrapped up in their own responsibilities that they weren't giving their kids the kind of attention and support they'd need to reach their positive potentials.”

One thing to keep in mind is that the family were a bunch of farmers. And farming is not easy. So it is possible that being too busy was one of the reasons that the kids ended up as they did, although unintentionally.

But I just gotta mention something based on personal experience.

So most of my Dad’s side of the family live in North Carolina and were in the countryside and worked with farms. 

And most of them conservatives.

Like, racist homophobic conservatives.

You can imagine how uncomfortable I, a biracial pansexual Latina girl, can get around them.

So, based on a personal experience, I am suspicious if there was some neglect towards Mekt as he was a minority that was discriminated against, and favoritism towards Garth and Ayla for being twins.

But it’s hard to say given that we barely see them or their behaviors.

Moving on.

Now the actual characters in the episode.

Starting with Superman. His fanbase grows. Not much development but we also see he's a little impulsive here, judging by how fast he went to get back out of the cruiser.

Brainy doesn't get much development either. But he definitely seems far more open to people now, given he was smiling at Cosmic Boy. Smiling. Our little grouchy pants. SMILING. The writers are keeping consistent with how he has been becoming more and more open to people emotionally, as well as expressive.

And then we have Colossal Boy. This is his second speaking role episode. He seems rather close to Cosmic Boy. Not exclusive to pet names. Which does warrant... shipping grounds. As far as character development goes, it is interesting to note that even though he's close to Cosmic Boy, he volunteers to help Lightning Lad outside the core. So, he might be more pro-active than CB1. But he also says Brainy has a big head. This could be seen as a jab at B5 because of his intelligence, but Brainy also asked if he could get any smaller than what he currently was. Perhaps being asked go get smaller is something he has to deal with frequently, and that was one of his ways of throwing it back into another person's face.

Ferro Lad... so, he seems generally nice in this episode, a bit on the social awkward side, and prefers to stay out of arguments that don’t necessarily involve him. But he keeps his face covered to hide whatever is underneath it, saying people don't want to see what's underneath. We can easily figure this means that he has been disfigured somehow, but whether or not he himself is conscious on it as well is another matter.

Which reminds me of Deadpool, who is self-conscious in his movie and that serves as the motivation to find Axe – oh I'm sorry, FRANCIS.  

But let's talk some trivia about his comic book origins. Originally, Jim Shooter, a white guy, who worked on LoSH comics, wanted to make him black. However, as writing the character took place during the 60s, DC shot down the idea, saying they would lose distribution in the South. Whitewashing him in the final product.

So, good on Jim for trying with good intentions, bad on DC for tearing it down.

As for where that goes as a consequence overall in most media for LoSH, we'll discuss it in the future.

But... that now begs the question... have other adaptations tackled this race-change? In the cartoon, we can see the skin around his eyes as well as his hands, which are light. So, it’s probably unlikely. 

Given Jim Shooter's original idea, I would totally be down for seeing a POC version of Ferro Lad.  

But I only found out Ferro Lad's backstory thanks to a friend in the last year, so it's might not well known, and the people working on the show might not have known at the time. And I've stated this before, and I'll say it again, the show originally had Triplicate Girl with darker skin, and given that they made her lighter in the final product was executive meddling, so who knows?

Speaking of Triplicate Girl, this episode once again gives us a lot of character development with her. She seems to be the medic of the group, or at least seems to have sufficient knowledge to give medical treatment. And that's a pretty interesting idea in the show. I personally would love to see more superheroes with more real-world skills. Most of the time.

(Glares at Marvel's Doctor Strange)

But she is shown around Bouncy for the majority of the show. But she has her own individuality, as she has more confidence than him, and reassures him that there was no mistake with the votes.

And now, our lovable Bouncy. This is episode gives him A LOT of development, as we watch him assess the situation and take control, making the best decisions on how to treat the situation. And accidentally becomes the new leader during the polls. Something he also has a hard time believing.

Okay, so he had to try multiple times to get into the Legion, and even when he’s in, he finds people questioning his abilities. So now, all of the sudden, he has been elevated to LEADER. That’s a definitely a big shift.

This does look like a good thing (especially since most of the legion think their worst enemies are behind bars based on what Lightning Lad said), and back when I first watched this show, I thought it was the best outcome. But now I can’t help but wonder, what are the qualifications?

Because as much as Bouncing Boy is a good person and does have skills and can assess a situation, we do have to acknowledge that if he doesn't meet the qualifications, he really shouldn't be in the position. Good intentions don't automatically mean good results in the long run. I think the next episode looks into this a bit more but keep it in mind.

I never thought I would criticize the show on that aspect when I was younger, but given the 2016 election results and where that has led, can you blame me for being concerned with this now?

Which reminds me – PLEASE GO VOTE IF YOU ARE ELIGIBLE THIS NOVEMBER!

And now, the founders.

So this is Cosmic Boy's first major off screen appearance. And the show quickly show he's Lightning Lad's foil. He does take his duties seriously but does leave the team for a time to try establishing themselves to others, without contacting anyone. Diplomacy seems like a more reasonable reason than just because you're going through the ego-emo phase, but still.

 Does seem to like Saturn Girl, but unlike Lightning Lad, seems to be more overprotective, where he won't have her do anything. Something similar to Timber Wolf in the degree of unintentional misogyny. Something she calls him out on. And like Lightning Lad, doesn't back down from a challenge. But there doesn't seem to be any malice/anger on his part, unlike Lightning Lad.

Saturn Girl also gets developed as well. But it is in terms of her relationship between the two boys, in a love-triangle sort of way unfortunately. She reassures Lightning Lad that she would be with him regardless of what happens, but as soon as Cosmic Boy shows up, she goes to him. And when Lightning Lad is getting ready to go outside, she chooses to stay to serve as communication. But she makes her own decision on going to the shelter. And later, she lets Lightning Lad go to his parents without intervening or apologizing. She practices agency in these relationships, and makes it clear no one owns her and she is capable of doing things, which I really like to see.

And now our favorite Trash Child.

Lightning Lad is confronted with a threat to his home, so he takes this mission far more seriously than most other missions we have seen so far. He is going out of his way for all efforts to protect Winath. And it is understandable why. As for his jerk-and-pride personality issues, he seems to be in better control, except he seems to have focused most of it on Cosmic Boy. However, it does pop up in the tone of his voice when Saturn Girl stays behind. And has trouble trusting new people. But he seems fast to warm up to Ferro Lad.

But he doesn’t demand any apologies from Saturn Girl for siding with Cosmic Boy, showing he truly respects her.

When Bouncy becomes the new elected leader, he doesn't hold anything against him. Instead, he is supportive. We wouldn't have gotten that with our Lightning Lad in the first episode.

And can I just say the quiet moments in this episode really delivered? Both the moment when he goes to his room and when he goes to his parents show his vulnerable side.

But before I wrap up this episode, I just want to thank everyone who has put up with me taking so long to resume these reviews.

Hopefully the next one won’t take as long to get out, but... we’ll see.

[angeltriestoblog]

18

Welcome to my first blog post as an 18 year-old! And yes, I am well aware that I can legally drink and could be sent to jail, thank you very much. (Not that I have any plans to, though.)

I reached this milestone in my life last July 5th. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I decided to not go the traditional route and instead, opted for a trip to Korea last April and a week’s worth of festivities with family and friends.

I kicked off the celebration with lunch at a Korean barbecue place with my parents, then had a feast with my extended family (mother’s side) in Italianni’s.

I even got my cousin, Miguel, to go on with me on the ferris wheel nearby where I tried my best to admire the beautiful view of Manila Bay before us while screaming my head off.

For my actual birthday, I treated my closest friends from high school at yet another K-BBQ place for lunch, and then went to my favorite buffet place with my family for dinner. My friends Junelle, Danna and I also finally pushed through with our months-old plan of dropping by the karaoke bar relatively near to us, which served as a great release for pent-up emotions and a showcase of our non-existent vocal abilities.

This year, I also decided to go out on a limb and hold a project of my own. I was originally planning on giving away some of the old books I had piled up in my room to nearby orphanages, but with the time constraints I had, I couldn’t really afford to execute something so grand. So, with the help of my mom, I decided that it would be best to start small. We bought these tumblers from the nearby grocery and filled them to the brim with candies and chocolate bars, then gave them to the kids selling sampaguita at our church. I was really iffy about writing this part, because I know it’s easy to misconstrue my intentions for doing so: some people will probably just dismiss this as some put-on act of charity posted for clout. But, the experience was just so rewarding for me I had to. The children were all so appreciative, beaming at me, expressing their gratitude through belated birthday greetings and musings of how they could use my little gift for school – it kind of made me feel like my heart was on fire, but in the best way possible.

Anyway, now on to the standard realizations I make sure to include in nine out of ten posts.

This birthday in particular was a big deal for me, for obvious reasons. I had always regarded 18 as the age of independence and freedom: I equated it to having the liberty to do whatever I wanted, go anywhere I pleased with anyone at all, make the big decisions and know the answers to all the questions I’ve been asking my elders since I was a kid. I guess I forgot that I’m not the protagonist of the coming-of-age films I grew up indulging in, but a sheltered kid who has had most things done for her and thus has yet to acquire the basic life skills needed to survive The Real World. My parents said that I’m this way because they wanted to give me a life of convenience, and thus did anything that required me going out of my comfort zone, for me. All these years, I never found myself complaining about it or demanding that something be changed but for some reason, this stage of supposed adulthood has pressured me into thinking that there’s something terribly wrong with this because now, I have so much growing up to do.

Obviously, the biggest life change that I’ll have to deal with would be college: having to balance academics, extracurricular activities and different people in an entirely foreign environment sounded so terrifying for me. People would always tell me that grades have and could never be an issue for me: I was born the Smart Kid™ with a lot of potential, remember? I was generally a star student in all the schools I had attended, and everyone knew about it: I didn’t have to exert any effort to prove myself to those around me, because my grades did the talking. But, suddenly I’m about to enter this prestigious university with a rigorous screening process that takes in the Smart Kids™ from institutions all around the country. How am I expected to stand out in a place like that and get the Latin honors I can’t help but aim for?

Extracurriculars also have a huge bearing and apparently are an essential part of the whole college experience, which is weird to me since I’ve never really committed to a specific club all throughout my grade school and high school life. It seemed like more of a requirement to me than anything else, so deciding which one to join was like playing pin the tail on the donkey with my friends.

And, while I’m on that note: what about making new friends? I do appear to be outgoing and loud—especially if you’ve heard my piercing shrieks in my old Grade 12 classroom—but I’m only like that around those I’m truly comfortable with, and even that number has dwindled over the years. It’s hard to find people with the same interests as I do, and I’m growing more and more unsure of the fact that there are Ateneans who like K-Pop boy groups and laugh at the jeje memes I have in my camera roll. (I will cry if I don’t find anyone who can watch Japer Sniper videos with me.) I haven’t had to introduce myself to a new person in two years both IRL and online and I let them lead the conversation for a long while before I can think of warming up to them.

I also have to learn how to drive, which can come off as a surprise to anyone who’s known me for a while. I’ve always been the type to let go of the steering wheel and cover my eyes when the situation got out of control at the bumper cars. But, once I found out that ADMU isn’t actually the most commuter-friendly of schools, I didn’t really have a choice. On my first day of lessons, I was scared to my very core: my mind couldn’t stop bombarding me with stories of vehicular accidents and picture slideshows of cats that got run over. Although I did pass all four days and am now eligible to have my own license, I still have much work to do before I can take our Civic for a spin along Katipunan: please pray I learn how to parallel park without crashing into anything. I guess it would also be a bonus if I learned how to commute to and from places. I love going out, and I wish I always knew how to get to where I wanted to go and what mode of transportation to take instead of always relying on trikes and taxis all the time.

Since I’m of legal age, I’m also qualified to register to vote. I’ve started immersing myself in current events and politics a few years back, and I witnessed several people my age get shot down by adults when they did so much as express their opinions. “Masyado kang bata,” they’d argue. “Di nga kayo botante eh, wag na kayong makialam!” (But, the indifference of the youth would still be met with biting remarks like, “Wala na ba kayong ibang gagawin kundi mag-Internet? Magkaroon naman kayo ng pakialam sa nangyayari sa paligid!”) So now, I feel a certain kind of satisfaction in finally getting a say in who runs my country. But, at the same time, there’s also an intense kind of pressure since I am expected to discern which candidate serves the people’s best interests and hopefully lead us out of the downward spiral we’re currently making our way through.

It was only very recently—towards the start of the final month of my vacation—that I realized how stagnant I still was a person. Must be surprising for some of you. I feel like I somewhat project this image of being constantly put together. Very rarely do I let myself be vulnerable around other people. This is probably why every time I turn to someone to talk about my problems, I’m always met with reassurance: I, of all people, would have it under control, they say. I have absolutely nothing to worry about.

But, that’s the thing: when we’re on social media, we have this tendency to present only our best selves, turning our accounts into heavily filtered highlight reels. This is not only pretentious but toxic behavior, because of its failure to put things into perspective and show that everyone has their own fair share of both good and bad days. My Instagram feed may be its busy and color-coordinated self at the moment, but it doesn’t show the many nights I’ve spent crying because of how overwhelmed I was by this sudden surge in responsibilities and my inability to handle all of them. I mean, things can seem way beyond your control when your brain refuses to shut up and calm down.

I guess my failure to prepare for everything could be traced back to the beginning of this summer. In hindsight, the goals I had set for my four-month break were all very short-term and not exactly centered on self-improvement. I looked through the bullet journal I was keeping at the time, and found items like “clean my room”, “delete Facebook friends and Twitter followers I don’t interact with” and “buy a new study table” – one word for April 2018 Angel: why? I easily could have used the time to learn a new language or pledge to write 10 posts, maybe even pick up an instrument so I could have started a career as a Soundcloud artist and gotten myself a record deal instead of going to college (Mom, Dad, I’m kidding.) But for some reason, I didn’t even think of setting my standards that high. I spent a lot of time lying on my back, scrolling through the same old timelines several times a day as if the constant refreshing would bring anything of substance in my life.

It's much easier to let the regret paralyze me, to beat myself up for all the mistakes I’ve made and wonder why I didn’t do better. But, we all know that won’t help me get anywhere. As of now, I’m trying my best to be more vocal about my problems with other people so they don’t build up inside of me until I spontaneously combust. I admit I’m also quite the emotional person, so I really want to work on having a rational approach to whatever I’m going through.

I found this thread of healthy coping mechanisms and emergency plans to use during times of distress floating around. In case you guys are too lazy to click on the link, it basically says that you should first identify the trigger thought or whatever is sparking the negative emotions, identify the unhelpful thinking style that you are subscribing to and counter them through coping thoughts and actions to bring your mood back to the center. Twitter user thecolor_teal also says that one important thing to note is that you should never believe in your thoughts without critiquing them.

I’ve been doubling down on the worrying and channeling all that energy on pursuing other interests and planning my life out. I’m on my fifth book in the span of two weeks (I have a post coming up on this, so watch out!) and I just hit the 2k word mark on this post, so I can pretty much say I’m on a roll.  I also came up with three main goals that I want to prioritize as I venture into this new chapter of my life. I read somewhere that publicizing whatever you want to work on, jinxes them in a way but since there’s no scientific evidence to back it up, I’m taking the risk. It could serve as a constant reminder of what I have to do, or pressure me into following through because I’ve put it up here to everyone to see: either way, I win, I guess.

1. Be more involved – maintain a firm stance of my own in issues concerning the country, give back to my community, continue to take genuine interest in the lives of those around me and do whatever I can to help them

2. Be more sociable – judge people less; get to know and interact with people from as many different social circles as possible; learn how to make the first move, engage in small talk (!!!) and not end the conversation with an awkward laugh

3. Be more street smart – be confident when on my own in public places, distinguish when I’m being fooled by people, learn how to get out of sticky situations without having to ask for help

I don’t exactly have everything down pat yet but at this point, it’s become somewhat comforting for me to think that I’m not expected to, and that no one my age knows exactly what they’re doing. We’re all clueless kids with no idea what the future holds and if we’re truly capable of handling it – we’re all hanging on to our empty attempts at reassuring ourselves. Anyone who denies this is probably just trying to make themselves feel better and I’d like you lot to know that we see through you! Despite the sheer hopelessness of our situations, I hope you all make amends with your right to not know whatever the heck you’re doing with your life right now and learn to trust the process. You’ve probably been through worse in the past, but here you are: beaten and bruised and still dusting yourself off from the last time life let you down but still alive and valid and fighting and that’s all that matters. We got this, fellow adult-er. And that is not to be mistaken for adulterer, by the way. That’s not something we should strive to be.