#but instead it ended up looking like a tour in venice wtf

[nobluesea]

Jaime watched her eyes. Pretty eyes, he thought, and calm. He knew how to read a man’s eyes. He knew what fear looked like. She is determined, not desperate.

-ASOS, Jaime I

(aka that moment when they're in mortal danger and yet Jaime found the time to look at Brienne's eyes)

Yeah Jaime is totally bald and I'm having trouble processing it myself ok

[aahsokaatano]

ITALY????

Y’all I spent one whole week in Italy in 2017 and it was one of the most bizarre fucking weeks of my life

let’s break it down from the beginning

[under a read more for length]

So, fall of 2017 I was studying abroad in London. One of the classes I was taking was specifically for study abroad students, designed to get us engaging in the culture of London or whatever i dont really remember the class itself but my god do i remember the people i met in it

two in particular were these girls, also American. We shall call them Molly and Ally. They had quickly made friends with each other, and after one of the class trips into London, i was friendly with them as well. The “reading week” or fall break was coming up, and they mentioned that they were going to Italy and asked if I wanted to go. I had booked a short tour to Dover, but thought “oh my god Italy???? Fuck yes!” and so I bought my plane tickets then asked them where they had booked hotel rooms so that I could add myself to their itinerary

“Oh,” Molly said, “we haven’t, don’t worry about it”

Me, a seasoned traveler “?????? uh”

I bugged them about this for at LEAST a week and finally, about THREE DAYS from when we were supposed to leave, I just went ahead and booked an assortment of hostels and airbnbs for us in all the cities they wanted to go to and told them to pay me back later

they actually admitted afterwards that that had been a smart move on my part which like????? no SHIT its a smart move to have a plan where you’re gonna sleep every night while in a foreign country. god.

So, lets go through this day by day

Day 1 - London to Milan

we flew from London to Milan in the evening, getting there pretty late at night. and it was only once we were actually IN Italy that I learned that 1) none of us spoke Italian and 2) despite having grown up in two areas with large Hispanic populations, neither Molly or Ally spoke a lick of Spanish, which is close enough to Italian that you can kind of limp through a conversation of one if you know the other.

so, somehow, I ended up being our Italian translator for the week, armed with nothing but a translator website, a handful of Italian music terms, and the ability to roll my r’s fairly well for a white person. Literally, i figured out where the bus stop was outside of the airport because I saw the word “fermata” painted on the pavement and I knew that meant “long pause” in sheet music terms so I hazarded a guess it meant stop or similar in regular Italian

(sidenote I almost got in a fight with some random Italian dude on the bus because Molly was going on about how excited she was to try the pizza and I told her it wasn’t going to be the same because “the pizza you’re used to is an American invention” and he turned around and started going on about the tradition of pizza in Italy and I was like I just mean that American pizza is different from real Italian pizza i did not mean to offend i’m sorry!!!!!! anyways)

the bus dropped us in a square in the middle of Milan and we got out and i’m lookin at my airbnb app trying to figure out where we need to go and i said “okay we need to get a cab” and Molly and Ally are arguing about something and this RANDOM ASS DUDE walks up to us and is like “you need taxi?” and i said yes to he leads us back to his REGULAR ASS CAR, NOT A TAXI and tells us to get in, and for some unknown fucking reason I do and Molly and Ally follow me and shut up real fast because this is sketchy as fuck but the guy did take us to the airbnb without murdering us so thats a win i guess

The airbnb by the way was more like a mini hostel - it was this apartment where pretty much every room except the bathroom had been converted into a bedroom and so probably not entirely legal but whatever. whatever. 

Day 2 - Milan to Venice

i woke up early the next morning and went to take a shower at the bathroom at the end of the hall and found out that the lights didn’t work. Whatever, I’m mostly blind without my glasses anyways so i just showered in the dark, no biggie

we had an early bus to catch from Milan to Venice, so we headed out to the bus station. I’ll be honest, I do not remember how we got there. I think we walked, because I ended up with a coffee at some point so I probably got it from some cafe on the way? But idk. I was so tired.

We get on the bus, I found two empty seats far away from Molly and Ally, and immediately stretched out and fell asleep.

Ally woke me a little later and said “c’mon, we’re here!”

I was confused as all hell because it had not been nearly long enough for us to get all the way to Venice, but I got off the bus and was greeted by Molly stretching her arms out and proclaiming “Welcome to Venice!” underneath a sign that said we were at the Verona bus station.

They did not believe me when I said Verona and Venice were two different places. “Venice has canals, Verona is where Romeo & Juliet is set. There are no canals in R&J, they’re two different places!” I literally had to pull out my phone, go to google maps, and zoom out until they could see that Venice was still several hours away before they believed me.

The bus driver almost didn’t let us back on but I was able to show him on the tickets that our end destination was, in fact, Venice.

Venice itself was pretty neat. We got to go on a gondola ride and I ate an entire pizza by myself at dinner lmao.

Day 3 - Venice to Florence

we took a train from Venice to Florence the next morning, and that’s when I discovered that Italian train stations have lovely little cafes with AMAZING coffee and really good pastries. The other two didn’t drink coffee but like, their loss. it was fantastic. 

Florence was great, we found a little shop that sold really yummy gelato for only 1 Euro a scoop - Geletaria La Carraia. If you ever end up in Florence, definitely check it out!

We wandered around for a while, took a lot of pictures. There was some famous church that was undergoing some renovations, but as we walked up to it Molly gasped and said “I’ve climbed that in Assassin’s Creed!” which was pretty funny. 

We went to a museum that had made a bunch of models of some of Leonardo DaVinci’s inventions. We went to an art museum and stumbled across Michaelangelo’s David on accident, so that was the big “wtf” moment of the day. Also that night Molly decided to buy a bottle of wine to take home to a friend of her’s back in America, but realized after buying it that her backpack wasn’t big enough to cart it around for the rest of the week so I ended up carrying an entire fucking bottle of wine for the rest of the trip because I was the only one smart enough to bring a proper backpacking backpack and not just my school bag.

Also the hostel we were in had actual skeleton keys for their rooms and actual goddamn keyholes that one could clearly see through so i left the key in the lock all night AND hung my sweatshirt from the door handle so that no one could peek in at us

Day 4 - Florence to Pisa

once again, I woke up early, went into the bathroom attached to our room (the hostel had had a cancellation and so we ended up in a private room instead of a dorm style) and discovered that the lights didn’t work so I had a second shower in the dark

we took another train from Florence to Pisa, and there we ran into our only bit of bad weather

What’s the big draw in Pisa? The Leaning Tower, right?

What was the only day it rained, non-fucking-stop, the entire time we were in Italy? THE DAY WE WERE IN PISA

I got so soaked that I actually bought a new sweatshirt because the one I was wearing was DRIPPING

anyways, after we had taken several dumb touristy pictures and grabbed an early dinner at a nearby restaurant, we decided to head over to the room I had booked. The cheapest place I could find was a tiny cabin at a campground nearby. According to the map on my phone, it was a short walk away.

A solid hour later, we finally trudged up to the main office of the campground, shivering and soaked, and got the keys to our cabin. We set our stuff down, and Ally and Molly decided to go back out to the grocery store we had passed coming in. I waved them off and went to take a shower in the bathroom with fully functioning lights! hooray!

Day 5 - Pisa to Rome

another morning, another train station with excellent coffee. We got into Rome and, at this point, we were all so tired from travelling that I was finally able to take charge. up until this point, Molly had been railroading us, even sort of bullying Ally in the process, but now she was exhausted and I, through a combination of practice in functioning while dead on my feet, lots of travel experience, and Mom Friend Instincts, took the reins. We got to Rome and I said “we’re going to the church with the big hole in the roof (its a thing, look it up) and then we’re going to eat.... at this place around the corner and then we’re going to to go our hostel and check in”

they didn’t argue, and that’s a true testament to how fucking tired the two of them were, especially Molly, because she would argue about anything and everything given half a chance. We also went to the military museum that day, mostly because it was free and also air conditioned

(also while looking through my pictures of this trip i just discovered that i still have the picture i took of the Rome hostel FAQ page that had by the front desk, which i now remember i did because it had the wifi password on it and we weren’t in our room for 30 seconds before one of the other two asked what the wifi password was so, once again, i show that i am a very good traveler/travelling buddy)

Day 6 - Rome

so we had the next full day in Rome, and we got up early to get in line for the Vatican. I wanted to be there by 7am, Molly was like “it doesn’t even open until 9!” and we compromised at 8 and it was STILL an enormous line so i was like “see? this is why i wanted to get here early”

Oh, but before we went to the Vatican, i took a shower. IN. THE. DARK. BECAUSE ALL OF ITALY EXCEPT FOR PISA DECIDED THAT I DIDN’T DESERVE TO HAVE A SHOWER WHERE I DIDN’T HAVE TO FUMBLE AROUND BLINDLY LIKE AN ASSHOLE

ALSO on the way to the Vatican, I asked if the two of them had their passports. Ally said yes. Molly said yes, why?

And I had to then explain to Molly, a 20 year old RELIGIOUS STUDIES MAJOR, who was RAISED CATHOLIC and who had FAMILY IN THE CLERGY, that the Vatican, THE CENTER OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, is it’s own country. 

she, again, did not believe me until i pulled it up on google for her

turned out that we didn’t need our passports stamped to enter the Vatican but still! still!!!!!

so it turned out that whatever day we were there on, the Sistine Chapel isn’t open that day, so we just walked through the cathedral and then headed out to the Colosseum and the ruins of the Senate behind it, both of which were very cool

Day 7 - Rome to Milan to London

we got up even EARLIER on our last day, I took another shower in the dark, and we rushed over to the Vatican, speedwalked through most of the museum, and finally got into the Sistine Chapel, which was absolutely breathtaking. Then we hauled ass back to the train station to catch our train back to Milan.

At this point in the trip, I was so fucking done with the two of them, but especially Molly. Ally was sweet and naive, but she was also willing to listen to new information. Molly was just a stubborn ass with a mean streak a mile wide and I was COMPLETELY done associating with her.

Luckily, since I had booked my flights separately, while we had flown into Milan on the same plane, I had a completely different flight back to London - to a different airport, even. They were going back to London City, but I was heading to London Gatwick. Both planes were set to depart around the same time, from two gates that were next to each other though, so i couldn’t really escape them until - uh oh! My flight was delayed. 

Molly and Ally were fretting about it but i was like “it’s fine. it’s fine. I’ve been flying since i was literally 3 months old and I s o m e h o w know more Italian AND Spanish than the two of you combined, even though I would never say that I speak EITHER of those languages. Just go.”

The flight ended up being delayed like 5 hours due to mechanical issues. They finally just got another plane for us, and we finally took off from Milan. When we went over Paris, the captain, obviously feeling bad about the delay, made sure to tilt the plane in both directions so that everyone could see the Eiffel Tower lit up, it was really neat.

We finally got back to London at literally like 230 in the morning. The busses and some of the trains weren’t even running at that point - certainly not all the way out to the fancy little liberal arts college I was going to. I went up to some security guard at the airport and said “just tell me how close I can get to the University of Roehampton on the trains” and he told me to take the train to Black Friars so I got out there and there was a bus, but it was like 40 minutes out. It’s now pass 3am, I am exhausted after a long, weird week in Italy, I texted my dad and he said “just get an Uber i’ll pay for it”

The Uber driver was very nice and as soon as I got in he said “you look really cold! do you want the heat on?” i could have fucking kissed him. he was super nice. actually made sure that I was still texting my dad (i had mentioned it when I got in because I almost dropped my bag while trying to text and maneuver at the same time) every few minutes. offered to let me take and send a picture of him to my dad. otherwise didn’t really speak and just let the music play. I tipped him literally whatever was in my pocket at that time, i don’t remember how much it was, but it was at least 20% and probably more. Really great guy. 

Random London Uber driver from 2017, you remain the best Uber driver and I love you

i finally crawled into my shitty little dorm bed at about 4am, exhausted and utterly bewildered by the past week

honestly??? I’m still bewildered by my week in Italy.

wtf even happened in all that mess.

[didiletyouknooow]

50. Desecration Smile

Hey,

so FINALLY there is chapter No. 50!!! Wow, I can’t believe that I’ve already written 50 chapters! Thank you so much for reading and giving me feedback. I got to know some great people after creating this tumblr page and starting writing this story. The Chili Peppers have such a great fan community. I still have so many ideas in my mind and I really hope you like these ideas. 

Now here’s the chapter. I hope it’s not tooooo emotional and dramatic! 

Thank you so much! <3

_______

“Hey you bitch, did you cheat on Josh????”

 “Why are you on those pics with Andrew Garfield? Is he your boyfriend now? I thought Josh Klinghoffer is your boyfriend???”

 “If you hurt Josh then I hurt you!!!!”

 “Did you cheat on Josh with SPIDERMAN????”

This list could go on and on. I didn’t read all the comments people wrote under my latest photo on Instagram that didn’t have anything to do with Josh or Andrew. It only showed me and Molly after a shopping tour. I posted it two weeks ago.  So it had nothing to do with this current situation. But obviously did some RHCP-fans see the pics of Andrew and me. Even I didn’t see them yet!

So I clicked on the link Lara sent me. There it was. The pics showed Andrew and me leaving the bar last night. I was holding his hand because I was about to stumble. It was the only time we were “holding hands” after leaving the bar. Surely the paparazzi released the shutter only in this specific moment. The next photos showed us leaving the café where we had breakfast this morning. WTF, it was only five hours ago and it was already on the internet???

But there was more to it than that. There was also a short article in the tabloids on the internet.

 “Does Spiderman have a new Gwen Stacy?”

Andrew Garfield (33) was seen leaving a bar in Hollywood yesterday with a lady. They were holding hands while leaving the side exit of the bar heading directly to Andrew’s personal driver. Does the Spiderman-actor have a new girlfriend after Emma Stone (28) and he broke up last year?

But if we look a little bit closer we found out that this lady isn’t just some unknown woman – no! Two months ago she was seen with Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist Josh Klinghoffer (37) on his bands’ Europe tour. The couple was seen several times in different cities all around Europe! So who’s the lady?

Her name is Eileen Puritz and she’s obviously a teacher from Los  Angeles. From what we know she dated Klinghoffer for two years but obviously the pair called it quits in the last two months. Or does she keep her options open? We’re eager for more pics!”

 I couldn’t believe what the tabloids wrote about me! They presented me as if I would be a maneater! But I definitely wasn’t one! But they even posted a screen shot from one of my Instagram posts. Well, why did I change the settings to public? I hated me for this because now I knew how the fans found out about it so fast! I got totally angry while reading these lines! Who did they think they were to write something about a person who is definitely NO celebrity???? I starred at the photos and the article for several minutes. Finally I had to come to terms with it.

But people were going crazy. They weren’t only commenting my pics by writing insults, some also send me messages on Facebook. Okay maybe it was my fault because I changed the settings of my account on Instagram from private to public because I deleted all the pics where Josh could be seen. I thought no one was really interested in “my life” at all but now that this happened….wow. I didn’t know what to think or what to feel.

I was glad that Lara and Felix were still in the city. I texted them and met them in the evening. We had pizza in Echo Park and I told them the whole story about last night.

“Wow, sounds crazy to me but also like fun” Felix commented laughing. “You’re so lucky to meet Andrew Garfield!” Lara grinned. “But you know….I wish I wouldn’t have done this last night….If I would have only known what could happen afterwards…” “Don’t think about the comments” Felix let me know. “It’s stupid. Stupid girls who are just jealous” “Exactly. Maybe they were okay with you as his girlfriend but now that it’s over and they see you with another man they go crazy because they want to protect Josh” Lara suggested. “Well, maybe you’re right. Whatever….I try not to think about it because it’s stupid, like you said. But I wonder why they think I cheated on Josh? I mean, our relationship was never a public thing. It only went public when the stranger followed us around in Europe and posted all these pics. Only then the fans knew that we were dating again but….we don’t have to publish a public announcement that we broke up, right?” “It’s just stupid bullshit. You shouldn’t pay attention to these kids” Lara said. “The comments aren’t only written by teenager fans. It’s also written by adults! Even by men! I really don’t get it!” I told her. “Stay calm and drink a beer” Felix finally ended the discussion. So I did.

My first weeks at my new job were stressful but I liked it. I realized how happy it made me to do some research, read texts, analyse them, read studies….I just love science. My boss was very nice and kind although he was also very strict. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy working for him but I still felt pleased that he asked me to work for him. Starting this new job let me stop thinking about Josh. Although I was the one who broke up with him I sometimes caught myself thinking about him or wondering what he was doing. I knew that he was probably on tour again. They just started touring the USA this month.

When I came home I usually was very exhausted but in my second week some of my coworkers asked me to go out and have some burgers at a diner. So I agreed and had a great time with them. They were all so nice and friendly – they welcomed me very fast. Sometimes I felt like being a student again. Back to the college days. But this time I was the one on the other side – next semester I would teach my own seminar.

After one month my boss wanted to talk to me about a “very important issue” as he called it. So I went to his office. When I left it an hour later I didn’t know what to say. My kneels were weak and my heart was beating very fast. Okay, I had to recollect. And I had to call Lara as soon as possible.

“Wow, that’s a great opportunity” Lara said after I told her the “news”. Sadly Felix and her had to leave LA last months but we were skyping on a regular basis. “Yes, it is….” “Do you want to know my opinion? Take it. Maybe you’ll never get this opportunity ever again” “Maybe….” ”But you’re afraid, aren’t you? I mean….it would be so great!” “I know it would but….yes I’m afraid. I don’t know if I can do this. Again” “You can. You’re still very young. And it’s only six months” “But I’m already 31….I thought I would stay here for the next years. Maybe forever” “Eileen, you’re only 31! So stop thinking and analyzing too much!” Lara was right….maybe I would never ever get this opportunity again. “Plus, I think it’s a great chance for your PhD. I mean, doing research in the motherland….” ”Absolutely….if I wouldn’t worry so much” “Stop worrying and start doing it baby!” Lara tried to convince me. “But I have to tell Josh….I mean, it would be unfair if I don’t do it, don’t you think?” “Hm….do it if you want to. You don’t have to.” “But it would be too bad if someone else would tell him” “I think you shouldn’t care about him. He’s your ex” “Well” I sighed. “Maybe I’m just a bit melancholic because It’s Valentines Day. I mean, I never really paid attention to this day and neither did Josh but….I recently stalked their Instagram and saw a pic from their last concerts. They’re about to play in New  York this week and….well I’m just a bit melancholic” “It’s okay to feel this way” Lara cheered me up. “You know, we had a relationship for two years so….we were very close” “Do it if you feel like you have to tell him” she said.  

I had to. But the following weeks passed by and I did nothing. I didn’t text Josh or even call him. I was too afraid he didn’t want to speak to me. But it wasn’t only the fact that I wanted to talk to him about a certain topic, I also wanted some stuff back that was still at his house. I mean, I didn’t need it as soon as possible but it was still my stuff. He had also some clothes at my apartment but it seemed like he didn’t really miss it. So instead of calling Josh and asking him when I can get back my stuff I met Molly. We walked through Venice Beach and later sat down in the sand. The sun was about to go down. I was so happy that I had Molly here as one of my best friends in LA. So I told her about the important conversation I had with my professor the other day. After I told her she was kind of shocked too. Okay, luckily I wasn’t the only one… “So….this is a huuuuuge opportunity” she said. “I know” “You should take it, but….wow, I think it would be hard for me, for all of us” “But it’s only for six months…” “It’s a long time” “But I don’t know what happens if I don’t take this opportunity. Maybe my boss fires me. Maybe he treats me badly when he comes back” “Well….don`t think about it” Molly told me. “You should think about what you want. Listen to your heart, I think it already told you what to do” She was right. I sort of knew which decision I had to make.

“But, you know….I thought about telling Josh” I suddenly said. Molly looked at me with a surprised face. “Really? Why?” “Because I don’t want it that he will get to know it through other people” “Well, but you’re not a couple anymore. You don’t have to tell him” I knew. And Molly was the second person who said so. But I still felt connected to him, at least as a friend or as someone who was very close to him for a long period. So I thought it would be necessary to tell him. “He’s my ex. It’s only three months ago. I think I should tell him” “So, then go and do it” she said and drank her tea. “Is he doing okay so far?” I didn’t know why I still worried about him. Maybe because I still felt a bit bad because I ended our relationship. I knew that I didn’t have to feel bad because it was my decision and he had to accept it. And I guess he did. I never wanted to hurt him but I think I did with breaking up. I felt so sorry but for me it was the right decision. “Well…do you want me to tell the truth?” “Yes, please” “Okay….so, Josh is….pretty much fucked up” Wow….what? 

“Why? What happened to him?” “Eileen” Molly laughed sarcastically. “You broke up with him” “Yes but that’s months ago” “Three months aren’t a long time for getting over someone who was part of your life for years” “Hm….” I sighed. “So what does he do?” “He is fucked up. He looks very unhealthy….he drinks a lot” I couldn’t believe what she told me. It sounded like Josh’s behaviour after he broke up with me three years ago. “So he kind of does all these things again he already did in the past?” “No….it’s worse” “Like….what does he do?” “He drinks, he’s pissy, I think he even played some shows drunk….and that’s something he didn’t do since playing in the Chilis. Eric was at their New York concerts and he says Josh didn’t look well. He played brilliant but he saw that Josh was fucked up” “Hm….I don’t know what to say. How should I comment it? You know I’m still sorry” “I know….well, you asked me how he’s doing and I told you the truth. He’s not okay. Definitely not” “But he has to go through it. He will make it, I know it. I did and so will he” “The problem is that he doesn`t talk. Not even to Eric who is his best friend” “I know….that’s the biggest problem and in the end it ended our relationship” “I can relate to it….” “Well….” I sighed. “He will get over it some day”

When I heard these words from Molly I thought about another question that was on my mind. I knew it wasn’t the right time to ask it. “So….and is he seeing someone new?” Molly looked at me. I couldn’t read her face. She looked so strange. “He’s already seeing someone new, isn’t he?” I asked her. Molly didn’t respond but her face told me the answer. “Why doesn’t it surprise me? I mean, I think about how I should tell him something important about my life and he’s already banging a new chick” I noticed how I got a little bit angry. “Well….but I guess he’s just doing it for fun” “But he is already back in the mood to make out with other girls” “Eileen, he’s a man.” “Yes but then he shouldn’t cry me a river because I broke up with him if he can obviously replace me so fast” “I wouldn’t say he replaced you. He only found a new chick he can have fun with” “And who is this girl? Is she an actress? A model? A musician? Or just a normal random girl? Maybe a fan?” “Well….as far as I know she’s a college student from LA” “Wow” I started laughing. “So he’s banging college students now? How old is she?” “Eileen” Molly sighed. “I shouldn’t have told you” “But you did” “I know….because you asked. Honestly I didn’t expect you to be so jealous” “I’m not jealous. I just can’t get it. Why can men start fucking with a new chick so soon although they pretended to be so heartbroken after the break up?” “Like I said….he just wants to have fun” “Maybe he….” ”And honestly Eileen, he’s just doing it to get over you” “Whatever” I sighed. “How old is she? Older or younger than Chloe?” “I don’t know….Eric once saw her in New York when he was at the concerts. She was there as well. Josh also invited her to New Orleans so…”

New Orleans. I remembered it when I surprised Josh on his last tour in New Orleans. I took a flight earlier just to surprise him and he was so happy seeing me. I remembered walking through the streets with him and taking our very first selfie at the harbor. From Nola with Love. Now it was all in the past.

 “Wow, he already invited her on tour” “He did” “Surely, as a college student you have plenty of time to visit your boyfriend on tour” “Eileen….stop being jealous. It doesn’t make sense” “I’m not jealous, I just try to understand him. Right now I can’t” “You know, Josh seeing a new chick isn’t the problem here….the real problem is how he’s been in the last weeks. He’s so fucked up. I heard that the boys in the band are totally pissed at him. They told him to stop drinking so much. You know, Anthony and Flea had drug problems and they’re sober and living a healthy lifestyle….so you can imagine how upset they are that Josh is drinking so much alcohol lately” “Yeah….but why does he do it?” “Eileen…isn’t it obvious?” “What?” “He’s heartbroken. He’s not feeling good. He tries to compensate his feelings with young chicks and alcohol” “Well….” I couldn’t find the words. “So we should help him. Eric tried to talk to him in New York, I tried to talk to him prior. We both tried it. We know that Flea tried it. No chance. He doesn’t talk” “He can be a total pighead sometimes….” I sighed. “So….maybe you should talk to him. Text him, whatever” “Well….maybe” “Oh and by the way, the chick isn’t that young. She’s 25 or 26 or so” “Really? Wow, isn’t she too old?” I said sarcastically. 

Two days later I conquered my weaker self and texted Josh. I wanted to know when I can get back my stuff.

 “Hey, How are you? I hope you’re fine. When are you at home so I can get my stuff back? I know it’s already been three months but….I thought maybe you needed time

So let me know

Eileen”

Josh needed one day until he responded. “I’m currently in NYC but I’ll be back in two days so you can come on Monday to get your stuff. Bye J”

Wow. He didn’t sound very happy about my message. But I tried not to care about it. Instead I wondered what he was still doing in New York. It didn’t take much time until I found out that he was working with Eric Avery on new music. Well, at least only new music and not….stop thinking Eileen. This leads into nothing.

So it was finally Monday. I knew that he Chilis would play three sold out shows in Staples Center in the following days. So Josh had to be back home now.

When I walked into his driveway I had a queasy feeling in my stomach. Nothing positive. I didn’t know what or whom I had to expect. I knocked on his door and it took him some time until he opened it. But when he did, he didn’t look amused. “Wow, I didn’t expect you” he said and after a short awkward moment I followed him into the kitchen. Well, I texted him so why didn’t he expect me? “I wanted to take all my stuff with me. Finally” I told him once again. “Yeah, wow, that’s early” Josh said sarcastically. Okay, something was wrong with him. I saw it. “Sorry, I was too busy in the last weeks” “Yeah, me too” Wow, what a great conversation I thought. It felt so awkward. 

I looked at him but he didn’t look back. It was as if he avoided looking at me. “Is it true?” he suddenly asked. “What do you mean?” “Are you dating Andrew Garfield?” 

Wow. How did he come up with this topic?

“No!” I responded. “I don’t!” “Then why are there pics of you two leaving a bar and going out for dinner?” “You saw it?” “Sure I did.” I knew that Josh didn’t care about celebrity news so someone must’ve shown it to him. “My sister showed it to me” He always said “my sister” or “my friend Eric” when he was upset. He knew that I knew these people but when he was mad at me he always pretended that I didn’t know them at all. “It’s not true” “But the photos are?” “Yes” I sighed. “So what were you doing? Did you meet him accidentally and bombed into his pic twice?” he said jokingly but I knew that he didn’t felt like joking. “No…” I said. “It’s a long story” “Oh I don’t wanna hear it” Josh said with a suing view in his face.

“I met him accidentally and we just chatted and had a good night. Nothing happened” I told him. Well, it was the truth, right? “I was drunk”. “Yeah of course” Josh laughed. “It always happens to me too that I suddenly wake up next to Olivia Wild when I’m going out partying” he said cynically. “You never go out partying” “Doesn’t matter” “Well….” I sighed. “Believe it or not. Nothing happened. Did you know that some of your fans who saw these pics are sending me evil messages on Facebook and even murder threats?” I asked Josh.

These messages didn’t stop in the last weeks. I changed my settings to private so no one could see my Instagram photos anymore but some people kept sending me messages on Facebook.

Josh didn’t seem to be impressed. “Well, it’s your fault if your profiles on social media can be found by everyone and everyone can send you messages. It’s not my fault. I wasn’t the one who was photographed with Andrew Garfield” “Josh!” I interrupted his speech. “It’s bullshit, okay? Nothing happened. And even if something happened then who cares? We’re not together anymore….we can both do whatever the fuck we want!” “So….then fine. Have fun out there in Hollywood” he said. I saw in his face that he was still mad at me. But why? We were both single. Even when I would hook up with ten guys in a row he didn’t have a right to be upset. But I didn’t even want to meet Andrew again. Even, if he was interested in me. I wasn’t ready. Should I tell Josh? No! Instead I remembered what Molly told me. “So….” I said. “I could ask you the same” Josh looked at me questioning. “Are you really dating a college student?”

He seemed shocked when I said these words. I guess he didn’t expect me to know about it. “Well….” he answered. “I don’t” “So is this story that Molly told me just a lie? Did she creat the story in her mind? Or was it Eric?” I said ironically. “Um, no but….It’s nothing serious though” “Yeah, of course” I laughed. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong. I don’t have any right to criticize your behaviour but then please stop asking me about Andrew Garfield, okay?” “Okay” “I mean, you can date whoever you want. You’re free. We’re both singles. But please, talk about the pot calling the kettle black!” “Okay…well, sorry I just asked you” “And I asked you” 

While Josh was looking at me, I was looking into his kitchen. Only now I realized the many empty bottles of wine and liquor on the table. “What did you do?” I wanted to know. “Well, I had a few friends here last night and we drank” it was obvious that he lied. “Yeah, for sure” I pretended to believe him. 

I thought about the real reason why I was here today. I wanted to tell him something. Something really important.

“So um Josh” I started. “The real reason why I came here today is….” I paused. I looked into his eyes but he looked away. “Yes?” he suddenly looked up when I didn’t keep talking. “I’m going away” “What do you mean? Where are you going?” “Away” “Like….San Francisco-away or New York-away?” “No….far away. I’m going to Berlin for the next six months”

Finally I said these words. The words I was afraid to tell him. The words that made me go crazy in the last days. Finally it was spoken out. He knew now. 

When I said these words his facial expression froze. He was shocked. I saw it in his eyes and face. “What….why?” he suddenly asked. “Because I can work there and do some research for my PhD” “But….I thought you’re teaching here at university?” “I do….afterwards” “But why Berlin? Why so far away????” “Because I do research on German history so….it’s the best I can do. Doing research in this country” Silence. No one said a word. I didn’t know what else to say and Josh seemed still shocked.

“Eileen….seriously….why? I….you can’t just….go. You can’t do that!” his voice got louder. “But I have to. It’s for my job” “It’s so far away….I thought we can be friends but now you’re disappearing out of my life” “I’m not out of your life….I will come back in six months” “Yeah….or you find a boyfriend and stay there” “Haha, for sure” I faked a smile. “I love LA too much to do this and besides…..” I told him. “I don’t want a new relationship anytime soon” “Then why did you end ours? We were so happy….we’ve been through a lot….I still can’t believe it….I don’t want to” “Josh….I already told you” I sighed. “I wasn’t happy anymore. And if you’re not happy anymore and don’t feel the love you should feel for your partner then it doesn’t make sense to me” “When did you stop loving me?” he suddenly asked and looked into my eyes. Truth was, I didn’t know.

“Somewhere between all our fights and all these long distance months” I finally responded. “Long distance months? I was there….every two weeks I came back home” “But it wasn’t enough. I don’t know why but….I needed more. Although you came back you weren’t really there. Do you know what I mean?” “But I love you! I still do. I still go to bed and think of you before falling asleep and I think if you when I wake up the next morning. I can’t get you out of my head. And now you’re telling me you’re leaving? How can you do this to me?” “Well, but why do you fuck another girl then?” I said unfazed. At least I tried to look like that. I saw tears in his eyes. I never really saw him crying until I broke up with him. He always seemed so emotionless when it came to certain things in his life but right now….I was shocked. I didn’t want to see him this way. “Please, stay” he said and took my hand. “I can’t and you know why” “Why?” “Because….” I sighed and looked away. “Because I don’t love you anymore” Wow. Finally I found the words I couldn’t find in the last months. But when I said these words I felt that it was true. I didn’t love him anymore. Not like I should love him when he was my boyfriend. 

I knew it was hard for him to hear these words coming out of my mouth but now he knew.

Josh looked at me as if he couldn’t believe it. I noticed that he was still in love with me. It was the look on his face. I knew it. He pulled me closer, looked at me and softly kissed my lips. Although I let him doing it I pushed him away after a few minutes. I wouldn’t make sense. Not anymore. “What’s coming over you?” Josh asked. “I don’t know” I said. We were still standing in his kitchen, his hands around my hips but I needed to get away from here. Get away from him.

“I’m….I’m walking upstairs to get my stuff okay?” I stumbled before going upstairs do get my stuff. “It’s….it’s in my bedroom. I already packed it in two boxes” Josh informed me. “Oh, you didn’t do it?” I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “I did” “You always do it….why?” “Because I don’t want the stuff of my ex being all around my house” “You already did it last time….” “Yeah and I hope I don’t have to do it a third time” he said. I was walking upstairs directly into his bedroom. I saw the two boxes standing next to his wardrobe. While taking it I saw his laptop on the bed. Facebook was opened and I was shocked when I heard the messaging-noise because it was so loud. While passing it again to get out of the room I looked at the laptop and realized that Josh was chatting with someone. And while taking a closer look to the screen I suddenly saw a familiar person on the small profile picture. “Eileen, what do you do there?” I heard Josh asking me from downstairs. I didn’t want to spend much more time in his bedroom staring at his laptop screen so I left the room in a hurry and went downstairs. Josh was still sitting in the kitchen.

“So, I have everything. I think I have to go now….” I said. But Josh didn’t let me. “Eileen, why? Why don’t you love me anymore? What did I do wrong?” he looked like a little boy who didn’t know what he did wrong. “Well....you didn’t talk to me” “About what?” “About everything. About your life….everything” “I know….” he sighed and looked to the floor. “But why Josh? Why did you stop talking to me?” He didn’t respond directly. I think he needed time to think about his answer but suddenly he told me why. And it was the first time ever I heard him saying these words.

“Because I felt so miserable. I felt so fucked up. I was feeling so bad because of the loss of our child. It was my life, you know? When you told me about the pregnancy, everything changed. My whole life changed. Suddenly there was a reason to be alive. I would be a father soon and I would have the responsibility to take care of someone, not just myself. It was so new to me and I was afraid but also very happy. But then….I lost everything” “But you didn’t lose me” “Yes but….I don’t know. I just couldn’t handle this situation. I shut myself off. I know it sucked and I know it wasn’t the right behaviour but….I couldn’t think straight.” He looked at me. His eyes were filled with tears. “I’m so sorry and I know I fucked it up but I think I was too afraid to tell you. I didn’t want to be weak….and then I saw you smiling again. You seemed happy again while I was still fighting. I wasn’t in the mood playing shows or travelling around the world. But I had to. It makes sense to me that you broke up but I still don’t understand it. I thought when you’re in a relationship, you try to fight?” “I did. I fought a lot. I tried to talk to you for months but you didn’t talk back” “Hm…..I know I’m a weirdo” “You’re not….you’re a great man, a warm and kind character. I’ve never met someone like you but….my feelings just slipped away” Josh didn’t say anything. “But now I have to move on with my life and so are you” I said. “What do you mean?” “Josh” I sighed. “Look at you. You look miserable. You look fucked up. I know you’re not feeling well and I know that it sucks because you have to play three shows in LA in the following days but please….stop drinking so much, okay? And if you have a problem then talk to people! Talk to friends, talk to Bob!” “I don’t have a problem” he objected. “But where are these empty bottles come from? I don’t think you invited some friends over to your house. You drank them on your own, am I right?”

I fixed his view and he looked back. I didn’t expect and answer but suddenly Josh spoke very open with me.  “You’re right. I drank all of them in the last days since coming back from New York.” He said. “I’m not proud of it but right now it helps me….I know it’s too much and I know I smell like a bar but….I just can’t stop doing it. I feel better when I do it, it helps me to get through the day. I know it’s a warning sign. I didn’t speak to Bob since the New York concerts because I was too afraid to loose him as a friend” “Josh, Bob would help you. He wouldn’t push you away just because you have a drinking problem” “I know….he’s a really good friend but….I just….” He couldn’t end the sentence. “It all started when I was at this concert on New Years Eve with my friends. Everyone came with their significant other but me. You know, the concert. We already bought our tickets for it.” He told me and I remembered it. In November Josh asked me if we should spend New Years Eve at a concert in a club in the valley. All his friends would go there. A local band played there. So I agreed. It made me happy that he came up with the plans. So we bought the tickets. When I broke up I told him I wouldn’t go there – which was understandable I guess – and I knew he would go with his friends. But I didn’t expect him to feel so lonely at that night.

“I was totally on my own and I felt so miserable. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. Instead I got drunk and….well then I met this girl and yeah….she’s a college student but she’s 25 or so” I didn’t comment what he said. I mean, I shouldn’t be mad or jealous, right? He had the right to have fun. Although I hoped that my assumption wasn’t true. “You’re often in bars, aren’t you?” I asked him. Josh nodded. “Yes….and sometimes I lost myself” “Josh, if you need help then let me help you. I can call Bob” “No” he said. “Please, don’t call him. I try it on my own. I don’t want to bother him with my problems. So….I try it on my own, okay? If I fail I’ll call him but….right now I’m not in the mood to call him” “Hm….okay but please take care of yourself. It’s not easy to stop drinking if you used to drank so much lately” “I know but….I promise I will do it and when you’re back from Berlin maybe we can try it again….time passed by and….” “No” I interrupted him. “Josh, you didn’t understand it. There won’t be a future of you and me. I don’t love you anymore” When I told him these words again Josh finally understood and almost collapsed.

I sighed and finally took my bag. “I have to leave now. So….I hope we can be friends some day”

Before I could open the door Josh took my hand again and squeezed me. We stood there, side by side, for a long moment. I smelled him again until I finally opened the door and left his house. 

____

The next day at work I was kind of absent. Only my body was there but my mind was far away. I thought about Josh’s and my conversation the whole night. It didn’t let me sleep. I still couldn’t believe that I finally told him that I didn’t love him anymore. It was nothing but the truth. What I didn’t understand  was why he was already dating a new girl. I knew it didn’t mean anything to him but why did he do it? Why did he always act like that? What was wrong with his personality that he always looked for affirmation? Just fucking around….getting wasted. I knew that it couldn’t make him happy. He wasn’t like that. But he pretended to be someone that he wasn’t.

When I came home last night I opened my laptop and logged into Facebook. I remembered the profile pic of the girl Josh was chatting with. I knew it was silly to do this research and I was sure that I was totally wrong with my suggestions but….I needed to check it out.

So I typed the name of one of the students from my boss’ lecture class in the search bar on Facebook. Two minutes later I was wiser. I was right. The girl Josh was chatting with was Laura Ganger. A college student. One of the best in the lecture class.

I called it a day.

So I was sitting in the same lecture class the next day. I only had to be present. My boss did the lecture so I didn’t have anything else to do. I don’t have to mention that I was very tired because I didn’t sleep at night but at the same time I was totally awake watching this girl. She was sitting in the fourth row and even took notes. She had long brown hair and always wore the perfect make-up. Her clothes were very fashionable as if she would’ve shopped in Paris or Milan. She was the complete opposite of an All-American Girl.

When the lecture was over I stood up and went to my boss to have some smalltalk. While most of the students left the auditorium, this specific girl didn’t. Instead she came towards my boss and me. She had a question. While she was talking with my boss I was looking at her. She wore a skinny jeans, some silver rose sneakers, a very skinny white t-shirt and a perfectly make up. I wondered what she did to her hair that it looked so perfectly. No wonder that Josh fell for her. I mean, she was very hot.

While I was still a bit lost in thoughts, my boss suddenly brought me back to reality. “Eileen, maybe this is your topic” he said and I faked a smile and said “yes” although I had no clue what he was talking about. “Laura wants to do an internship in Berlin next year and I thought maybe you have some connections. I mean, you worked there for a few years right?” “Oh um, yes of course” I stumbled. “You know, I have an appointment so what about giving Laura some tips? I’ll leave you two alone now. Bye!” my boss said and left the room. 

There was I standing. With the girl who was fucking my ex boyfriend right in front of me. There was only one question that came to my mind: why did he have to chose a student from my university????? From all these students in LA he chose someone I knew! Why???? Why universe, why???? Laura asked me where I worked in Berlin and I told her something about my time there. I even promised her to contact the museum I used to work for just to ask them if they needed an intern next year. I think I was one of the best ex girlfriends in the world. Because I didn’t want to talk to her further more I told her to come into my office the next day and I would give her more information.

So she knocked at my office door. I think she was the first student that ever entered my office. Wow, what a pleasure. “Hey Ms. Puritz, sorry I’m a bit late” she apologized. I just smiled and started telling her about her opportunities abroad. After my monologue she started asking so many questions – I answered them all. “So luckily I could spoke to my former boss in Berlin at the museum I used to work. He said that you should send them your application and then they will do a job interview with you via Skype” “Wow, really? That’s great news Ms. Puritz! Thank you so much!” “Well….not for that” I said humble as I was. “So….um and how is living in Berlin? Is it expensive? I heard the city must be great!” “It is! And not it’s not so expensive if you compare it to LA….I mean, surely there are districts where it’s hard to find an apartment but usually it’s cheaper than here. So you’ll definitely find a place to live. But we have some agencies at our university who will help you with this” “Wow….great. And how’s the flair in Berlin?” “Well, it’s very….urban. Cool people, not always as nice as here in LA. But they’re realer, you know” “And how long did you live there?” “I lived there for two years….” “Wow….I’m so looking forward to go to Germany and especially Berlin. I heard there are so many great clubs! And my boyfriend used to live there for a few months” Wow, for her Josh was already her boyfriend? I remembered what Josh told me about her so I almost felt a bit pity for her.

“So….thank you so much Ms. Puritz! How can I thank you?” “Well, it’s okay” I smiled. She was so nice and looked so perfect. Maybe a bit too perfect? There must be a catch, right? “I don’t know how to thank you so much. I always wanted to go to Berlin one day. My granny lived there several years” “Really?” I asked her. Now I was a little bit eager to hear her story. “Yes, after my grandpa died she started travelling around the world and she met a new man in Berlin and lived there for seven years but then she came back to the USA” “Wow, great story. Your granny seems to be a cosmopolit!” “Definitely….she was a great woman” And suddenly I realized that I had something in common with this girl Josh was dating: she wanted to visit Berlin and she missed her grandma.

After thanking me again she left the office. A few minutes later I decided to have a lunch break and get me something to eat. When I closed my office door I saw Laura still standing in the hall. She was talking with someone on the phone. While I was pretending to look at my phone I heard her talking.

“But babe….you said we can spent time before the concert…..I thought you already did the soundcheck yesterday…..well, okay….hm, but I didn’t see you in days. You’re always so busy….no, I understand it but….I thought you have time because your interview was cancelled…..hm….okay, well….”

She looked up, saw me and smiled again. I passed her smiling and then left the hall. Although she didn’t mention any name I knew whom she was talking to. It was Josh and he stood her up again….I don’t think he did it for the first time.

If I was honest I felt bad for her. She seemed very smart, likeable – although sometimes a bit annoying. But her heart was full of positivity.

Although I told Josh that I wasn’t in love with him anymore I was feeling bad. I didn’t know why I cared but I did. I cared about him having fun with this student. She looked so perfect, plus she was clever. She wasn’t a dumb girl. She was a woman. It scared me because I really wondered if he could fall in love with her some day? Maybe, if he would see her more often? Sometimes it happens. Surely Lara and Molly told me that Josh only did it to get over me but what if this girl could change his mind? She wasn’t as dumb as Chloe was. She was clever. Maybe too clever.

But maybe he only used her to get over me? I didn’t want to take too much time thinking about it. But if I’m honest….I didn’t want him to hurt her. Honestly, she deserved better.

When I was back home sitting on my bed I listened to one song on repeat. It reminded me of so many good times. Lara and I were hugging while listening and singing to this song on a concert. But right now the lyrics made sense to me. 

What came over me?

_________

“You're nervous by nature and just sitting next to a love and a statue to look and live up to so how can you stumble let anyone run you whatever will come true what will be will be Why don't you take your time to be the next one in line don't let go, don't let anyone know what's coming over you coming over you, coming over you what's coming over you coming over you” (Beatsteaks - What’s Coming Over You)