#but in the last week I've almost finished The Untamed

[imaginesmai]

Your name on my body - modern!Azriel

Beautiful and amazing @thehighladywrites posted this INCREDIBLE idea and I had to try it. I've never written a modern!acotar AU, a college!acotar AU or nerdy-tattooed!Azriel. I haven't written bimbo!reader, and since English is not my first language, I don't know if I have done it right. I enjoyed this sooooo much, let me know if you want more or have some requests!

Extra points for whoever gets the crescent city saga reference!

Plot: nerd-tattooed!Azriel gets a tattoo with your name and it leads to smutty time.

Warnings: porn and porn and Azriel being freaky and porn with just an inch of plot. This is dirty.

The door of the apartment closed behind your back and you were met with an empty living room. You usually didn’t come in unannounced, because Azriel’s shared apartment always had some type of surprise. But your boyfriend had asked you to do so, and to use the spare key he had given you a while ago.

Azriel had been studying for his finals for weeks, and had finally finished them. Instead of going out to celebrate like you had, he had stayed in with his friends. You hadn’t seen each other too much, apart from the long hours in the library where he tried to help you with your exams – and you didn’t count those hours, since you did nothing more than stare at him.

The apartment, as expected, was trashed. There were beer bottles in the ground, suspicious stains in the carpet and a very naked Cassian sleeping in the couch. You had just barely gotten out of your hangover, and Azriel’s roommate was about to start his.

Through all the chaos, you were certain none of it belonged to Azriel. He liked to party, sure, but not hard and long as you. He preferred to stay quiet and observe, with a drink that lasted him the whole night. You were trying to remember if the heel that poked through the back of the couch was from your friend when you heard him coming.

“This way, princess”

His deep, morning voice made you turn around and stumble to his presence. Like a serpent caught in a sweet melody, you were always pulled towards him. Azriel was wearing a grey t-shirt and black shorts, that fit him like a globe. Dark glasses and disheveled hair. And lots of tattoos that you had traced previously with your fingers and tongue.

“Hey, handsome” you greeted him, not hiding your bright smile. “Got your text this morning. What were you doing up so early?”

“Hit the gym before breakfast. Not all of us are hangover”

“Tell that to the other half of the campus or your roommates. Rhysand spent the night with Feyre in the rooftop”

Your roommate hadn’t appeared last night, and you had found a very cryptic text that morning that led you to the rooftop – where both her and Rhysand were fast asleep with the bottle still uncorked.

As soon as you were within reach, Azriel pulled you closer by your waist and smashed his lips against yours. He tasted like coffee and mint, and erased any trace of drunkenness from last night. You tangled your manicured fingers between his locks, shamefully scratching the nape of his neck with your long nails.

They differed from Azriel’s bitten ones. Your short dress from his baggy clothes, and your dyed hair from his untamed ones. While you liked to shine in the public, to dress up and party, Azriel preferred to be quiet, thrift clothes and study. To the campus, you were the bimbo, and he was the nerd.

But you were his bimbo and he was your nerd.

“How was the party?” Azriel asked between kisses, his lips not staying for too long on yours.

“Good. Missed you” you almost whined when he pulled back too soon, and he chuckled.

“Missed you too. Did you have fun?”

You hummed as his hands lowered until they cupped the edge of your ass. The dress was short enough he could pull it up until anyone could see your panties, but neither of you cared. He had to lean down to do so, and you took advantage to deepen the kiss.

On the outside, Azriel might have looked like the shy, nerdy student, but he was freaky. You had been surprised when a hook-up with your assigned tutor turned out in the best night of your life, and there was nothing that could unhook you from him.

His hands were big enough to squeeze most of your ass, kneading it just like you loved it. Roughly, you were pushed into his body. Azriel was always semi-hard when you came to view, and you always took care of choosing the shortest and most provocative dress in his presence.

Few things were better than a good night out and a good morning fucking.

“I’ve got a surprise for you. Can I take you to my room?”

“You don’t have to ask”

But he did, breaking away your heated kiss. Azriel pushed the bridge of his glasses up and gave you a crooked smile, offering you his hand. You gladly took it and let him guide you to his room. The farthest, the darkest, but also the neatest. Azriel spent a good part of his time in there, and you loved it. He had incorporated you slowly in it, from the spare clothes in his closet for you to the stupid crafts you did together when you were bored.

“And what did you do last night? Started studying for the next semester?” you teased him, and he gave you a sideway look.

“I could, but I was busy with Mor”

“What were you doing with Mor?”

Your frown was instant, as the jealousy that rose to your chest. Morrighan was his friend, and you respected that, but you knew he had liked her in the past. That the woman was gorgeous, brilliant and smart in ways you didn’t complement Azriel. You liked her enough to be kind and maybe envious, but the notice of her with Azriel left you with a sour taste in the mouth.

Azriel chuckled at the edge of your tone and didn’t answer. If anyone had reasons to be jealous, was him, yet he never was. You had quite the reputation in college, and dressed to impress. More than once, you had been walking with Azriel and received not so subtle glances. You had even gotten the barista’s number when you asked for his order. And through all of that, Azriel had just shrugged and told you he trusted you.

So, for his sake, you tried to do the same.

During the longest seconds in your life, you were quiet. You sat on his bed and crossed your arms across your chest. Azriel closed the door behind him, just as you heard the first groan from his roommate, and turned around so he could face you.

The height difference, the size difference, warmed you in every place of your body. Azriel loved the gym just as he loved his books, and there was not a part of his body that he didn’t work. You liked the difference, liked his big form and how it towered over you even standing. As you sat in silence, you bit the inside of your cheek to control yourself.

“We went to the tattoo parlor, since she knows the owner. I wanted something done” he watched your frown with diversion, and continued when you said nothing. “So, you can be jealous of her, who has a girlfriend now, but I’m supposed to be fine with guys drooling over you last night?”

“I didn’t look at them”

“I didn’t look at her” he answered back, and took off his tee.

The sleeveless piece of cloth didn’t hide much, but you still lost your breath when it hit the ground. His muscled, tattooed chest came to view, and that was enough to make you get up. It wasn’t Mor’s lips that had left marks two nights ago on his left shoulder, or who had bitten his pierced nipple until he had come into his pants in the library’s bathroom.

It was you who had caused the tent in his pant, that caused his eyes to darken when you stepped closer. You placed your hand over his right thigh, the muscles tightening underneath. His boner hit your stomach and you pushed yourself against it, opening your mouth to apologize, or maybe to suck the life out of him.

“Don’t you want to know what I got?” he asked, sounding on edge.

“I don’t understand half of your tattoos. Whatever you got is hot and perfect, just like you”

“Look down, princess” Azriel groaned when your nail touched his dick.

“On my knees?”

You were ready to do so, or let him bend you over the table. He could do with your body as he pleased, but you were caught off guard when you noticed the reddish, new ink wrapped in invisible paper. It looked delicate against the rest of his tattoos, new and beautiful. Right between his hips, where the dark trail of dark hair had just been removed, was a new tattoo.

In his v-line, that you licked and adored and stared at so much. With the nickname he had gifted you since he met you and the stupid, childless heart you drew on every notebook of his.

Princess ♡

Your breath came out shaky as you traced the letters with your finger. If it wasn’t for the make-up, you had so carefully put on that morning with a killing headache, you would have burst into tears. His own hand covered yours and helped you trace the missing letters, and the heart.

It should have been distracting to look at it while his dick demanded your attention inches lower, but you couldn’t look away. Not when you felt a hard clench on your heart that left you lightheaded.

“Do you like it?” it was a whisper in the dark room, a spark of doubt that made you look up.

How could you not like it, not like anything about such a perfect man? You nodded enthusiastically, your other hand searching blindly for his.

“Why did you get that?”

“Because I love you, and I want to carry you with me always” Azriel’s eyes were kind, and soft, and loving – and they were making you dizzy with desire.

“Did it hurt too much?” you asked, looking down again at the tattoo. You, who had smooth and unmarked skin, couldn’t phantom the pain of a nursing needle to draw blood. “It must have”

“Worth every second. Lay in bed, princess. I need to be between your legs”

He didn’t let you take the initiative and threw you on his bed with a quick move. Azriel towered over you for a second before kneeling between your already open, wide legs, and leaving his glasses on the. He smirked with no doubts as he pulled the hem of your dress over your panties. His fingers were rough, pressing hard enough to leave red marks on its way.

You only bit your lower lip when he rose your dress to your waist and sneaked his hand beneath, the edge of his fingers pressing over your breasts.

With the idea of that outcome, you hadn’t bothered with a bra, and his eyes darkened even more at the discovery. You watched his throat work around the new information as he rose his body higher, now covering your breasts with his hands. He squeezed them, keeping them trapped in his palms as he lowered where you needed him.

“I’m gonna erase all those looks from last night” he promised, hands retreating following your curved. “Whose got you this wet, hm?”

“Azzie, don’t be mean”

Azriel was in your hands the moment his nickname fell from your lips, and at your mercy when you used that whiney, flirty tone. He didn’t even bother taking off your panties – he tore them off. Like a sheet of paper, like a piece of cake. You moaned his name, and it came out like a yelp when he dug in without reservations.

His tongue was feral as he licked a long stripe between your entrance to your clit. He pressed it against your clit and actually trapped it between his teeth for a moment. The barrier between pain and pleasure was hard to tell when he snuck his hands under your ass and lifted you a few inches for him to devour.

“Love this so much” you spoke with a content smile, as he massaged your ass in silent appreciation. “Love you”

One of your hands reached to his hair, pushing his face closer to your center. He agreed and pushed one finger inside you. Your mind emptied when he began pumping it in and out, curling it just in the right spot before pulling out and replacing it with his tongue.

Cassian pounded on the wall and yelled at you to be quiet, and Azriel pounded back harder as a fuck you response. You didn’t have it in you to care about him as Azriel pulled you closer by the ass, your legs laying boneless against his wide back.

His nose brushed your clit, up and down, and you weren’t sure he could breathe from how passionate and hard he was eating you out. You called his name wordlessly, your mouth emitting only broken noises.

“So good for me, princess. My beautiful princess” his voice was guttural, so primal it made you lock his head between your legs. “Give me one, come on. Give me the first one so I can wreck you from behind”

“That sounds clinically dangerous!”

Azriel growled against your clit and parted your folds with his chin. He ran his lips through all of them, and by the time he pushed his finger back in, you were cumming on his face and screaming so loud his name you could have woken up the rest of the campus. He caressed your lower regions as you came down from your high, accompanying your orgasm with lazy, long stripes through your folds.

When Azriel came back up, his chin and mouth bright from your juices and his hair sticking in every direction, you were already ready for round two. He didn’t need to be told, and he rose leaving a trail of bites up your body.

He briefly stopped to leave two twin marks between your breasts, so round and perfect and purple you were squirming under him again.

“Azzie” it had been the only word you were capable of saying, and your mind cleared down for a second

“Was that good? Worthy princess treatment after a night out?” Azriel asked, leaving wet kisses on your neck.

“Perfect”

You hugged his back as he pulled himself above you, and your nails left angry, red marks across his lower waist. You pulled the band of his sport shorts and underwear down, and squeezed his hard ass just like he had been doing to yours. His dick sprung free with little effort, and he rubbed himself against your side as you caught your breath.

It wasn’t a one-time thing with Azriel, and you heard Cassian muttering about calling 911 before turning on the music. It took Azriel at least three of your orgasm to be content, and he could cum another three before he let you go. He always stopped, for your sake, when your legs couldn’t hold you up anymore and you had tears ruining your perfect make-up.

Few things turned him more on than being the cause of that ruined make-up.

Before he could empty your mind again, you quickly brought up the only coherent thought that kept pounding your head.

“I want your name too. On me”

“A tattoo?” he raised a brow.

Azriel didn’t stop rubbing himself slowly but tightly against your thigh. His hand was over your sore cunt, in a possessive manor he only showed inside the bedroom. At your petition, he pressed his finger tighter.

“Here. Between my breasts, with your name” you quickly explained. “I want Azzie between my breasts, so each time someone looks at me, he knows these are yours”

“You are mine”

None of your relationships had lasted as long or had been as deep. You were the type of girl who would have his ex-name tattooed, but truth was you were wary of tattoos, and Azriel knew that. He had tried to get you into a simple one, something he could draw for you and hold your hand through it.

His body was a map of ink and drawings, some of them goofy and some of them deep. He liked your innocent, smooth skin, but he found himself breathing harder at the thought of his name on your chest. Thinking of how many kisses, how many marks he would leave there every given moment.

Azriel recalled not a month ago pulling down your cleavage between classes to kiss your nipples sore, the hand he always sneaked to unclasp your bra and touch you beneath the lace. His name, the nickname that brought him to his knees, decorating that skin.

“Are you sure?” he didn’t want to get his hopes up, not when he was ready to tattoo you himself right then and there. With Cassian playing loud classical music in the next room.

“And a crown drawn by you on the top” you rose a teasing eyebrow at his lack of movement, given the discussion for finished. “Are you going to wreck me from behind or do I have to ask Cassian for help?”

Azriel broke into a loud laugh before smacking your cunt loudly, then manhandling you around. With his left arm holding you by your waist, he pressed himself against your back. His dick brushed all the right spots between your bodies, but your hands were trapped under you and you couldn’t touch him.

Complaining would only make him take out those beautiful handcuffs you knew he owned so you only bit your lip and whined like the good girl you were for him.

“I’m gonna tattoo my name between your breasts, if that’s what you want” he whispered against your ear, his other hand appearing around your throat. “I love you so much, princess. So fucking much”

Azriel squeezed your throat at the same time he entered you with a rough, only thrust. It avoided the moan that died in your chest, that had you rolling back your eyes in pleasure. It didn’t stop Azriel from moaning your name out loud, loud enough for Cassian to turn up the stupid music.

The headboard banged against the wall and his glasses fell to the ground, as he left you no room to breathe, to recover. Maybe he had managed to shut you down, but he was doing nothing about his own sounds. You were vaguely aware of Cassian slamming the door of the apartment after screaming some profanities, but you didn’t acknowledge him.

Not when Azriel seemed to be trying to tattoo his name deep into your body and soul.

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Let me know if you want me to do an Azriel taglist!

Azriel taglist:

@boygeniuses10 , @tothestarsandwhateverend , @starsinyourseyes

[mommyofkittens]

A Court of Fallen Heroes: Chapter 6 - Decisions. Part I.

          An arabic quote I read months ago that stick with me so far said: " Some say its painful to forget someone, other say it's painful to wait for someone. But I say, the worst pain comes when you don't know wheather to wait or forget. "

          It made my body tremble with an unsettling feeling of chaos. My life was an untamed, catastrophic tornado since my parents threw me out of their house and suddenly, the situation went from bad to deadly when I got thrown here. It felt like I had a personal vendetta with life and the universal powers that controled us.

          I've been here, with Niven's family, for almost two weeks now, working and trying to be useful. Half of what i promised myself to wait before I find the courage to kill myself. Not much changed, I just grew used to the wound I had in my sould. I had no new horizon, no signs from the deity that brought me here, no shooting star to make a wish upon. Nothing. Only my pathetic body to count on.

          My old lifestyle was just a reminder of what I never cherished when I had the time.

          So I took what I had at this moment, considered the time I had left as well, and made the best of it so far.

          Every morning I woke up around 5 a.m., disturbed by my dreams. The potion Nimue gave me helped me grab with force some shattered pieces of my previous mind. I can remember faces better, my old university and one single name: Nadia. The girl I talked lastly on the phone before I got pushed here.

          Altough the medicine had some good parts, it had repercusions as well. While I gained more knowledge about my past, I forgot other dear to my heart details: my father's eyes, my mother's voice, the smell of my cat's hair.

          There were moments of clearence, when I watched the crystal empire of the skies and a fugitive image of my dad's irises runned through my head. Other times, I listened to Cynthia's soft voice while she hummed a sad rythm, and tears stung my eyes as I recalled my mom. When Misty was around and climbed on my dress to find her spot next to my chest, underneath my clothes so she could get warm, I used to sniff her furr and close my eyes so I can picture Icarus's joyful personality. I grabbed with my nails whatever small detail mended my bloodied heart. 

          But those where passing moments, fast as time itself and they were rare and prone to be forgotten easily.

          Sometimes I even had this feeling that maybe I can't go back because my life there was finished. I had no purpose anymore, nothing to give and nothing to receive. Other times, I hopped I was more useful here, working for money, feeding the animals, helping the people from Thaibar as best as I could.

          But feeding the pigs and cleaning Nimue's desk wasn't something I felt blessed about, either. I wanted more. It was hard to believe that everything was a damn coincidence. I fell into a book, for god's sake, one full of magic, of adventure, of wars and a little romance. I had to do something for this universe.

          I bought some other clothes as well, at Nimue's request to stop looking like a homeless cowgirl, and learned to style my hair in braided buns, so I could hide its colour better from curious eyes. Everyone warned me about my looks several times, and I grew a little conscious about my complexion. Not to mention the three rosy digits, forever imprinted on my cheek. A parting gift from the sly deity that sent me here. Even with several hours of working under the sun, my pale skin refused to get darker and I received only red spots of sunburn. Nimue offered me a potion to darken my wine tinted hair, so I could go unnoticed by the palace servants and mythical creatures who roamed the forests.

          To no avail. The red dye was hardly getting replaced by the jet black one. The change would last until the next time I washed, when my hair would reject the color, bringing back its shiny burgundy. It was like he had a mind of himself. Not to mention the fact that it seemed to grow with the same color, not my natural chocolate brown. So we all grew use to it and I learned to put a handkerchief around it.

          I started to help Cynthia around the farm every morning. Sometimes I cleaned the kitchen, other times we washed clothes by the river and chatted, like mother and daughter. I started to deeply care for her. I felt like she filled a part of my mother's empty space with her peacefull presence. She wasn't her, but it helped me ease my pain, little by little. She taught me some of their traditional dishes: fried venison, lamb soup, pork sauce with mushrooms, bread.

          I even got the courage once and described her the person I was in love with. Of course, masculinizing her, and she laughed at me and advised me on how I shouldn't jump at every flower he brings me. That I should have my nose high and let myself be chased, to test his patience.

          " A man who desires you should leave everything behind and follow you like the light of his eyes. He should kneel only to you, pray to you like you were his saint, his goddess. Never settle for less, or you will have a miserable life ahead. "

          I would listen carefully to her words. I was still a newborn in this world, basically, and I craved every piece of instruction so I can learn to manage. I wasn't going to tell her that I knew everything she told me. I learned enough from my mother's miserable marriage.

          We got along good, but from time to time, a dark cloud covered her eyes and she would watch me and ugly cry, without saying another word. Her face would distort in a silent plea and she would shiver violently, like the cold claws of death sank under her skin, dragging her to the Underworld.

          We were alone when that happened, and I didn't know how to react so I hugged her through her episode and whispered that I will be by her side, no matter what. Cynthia would sob heavily, making my body tremble as well, and she would clutch my arms like she was about to drown in her sorrow. It worked, rarely, but when her mind was too absorbed by her thoughts she whimpered like a baby:

          " I won't be here anymore... You'll have to carry yourself without me. I am so sorry... I beg you... Please give me your forgiveness... "

          " I trust him... That man tied to you by the tongue of Death... Trust him... I promise you... Don't run from him anymore... He is your fire, that man surrounded by darkness... "

          Then her vision would clear and ask me what happened, with no memory of what she said. I never told her either. She seemed quite unstable and I was afraid I'll make her sadder than she already was. So, I always resumed in only cleaning her face from tears with my blouse, smiling as sweetly as I could. I lied to her multiple times, but she disturbed me with her words and I always tried to forget so I could move on with my task: searching for a way home.

          Only I knew what lied in my heart every time I heard that. It made me wonder if my crashing here was actually meant to be. If I had a role. Nobody told me anything, but I never had the courage to ask, either.

          The worst part was that I started to love them, slowly, surely. They all were dear to me and I tried my best to thank their kindness by sharing my hardly earned golden coins, buying dresses and shoes, flowers for Cynthia and even cheap jewelery, like an iron sun I gifted Niven a few days ago.

          Even Shum and I got along. Some days better than others. We wouldn't talk much, but every small conversation was polite and innofensive. He let me take care of the mare, and it was more than enough to burry the hatcher of war. But even with his nice behaviour, I felt him off.

          I was always super sensitive to people's energy, I could feel their emotions, I could read them fast. Back home I used this gift to learn and read tarot cards for me and for my closest people. I felt like my intuition was helping me guide the reading session. It seemed to work.

          Instead, here, my higher self was always alert every time Shum made a move. He seemed to focus all of his attention on me, as if he tried to combust me with his gaze. I often felt his presence close behind me when I went to work. I didn't know what he planned, but I knew it wasn't pretty.

          The horse felt better and better. She could stand on her own and ate more than any other from the stall. Her black hair was always shinny and her growing muscles were visible under her dark skin. I treated her eczema and her external and internal parasites with several creams and herbal remedies. I washed her properly from time to time to keep any mosquitos away from her other healing wounds on her hooves.

          The stallion became sweeter, playful even and when Shum gave me his permission, I went with her on walks around the fields, holding tightly her ropes. She loved to be kissed by the sun, she loved to feel the grass and smell the sprouting linden trees. As time passed, I started to love her like she was my adoptive child. I could always hear her gretting when she saw me opening the door every morning, with a bucket of food for her. The mare would let her massive head down, waiting for me to kiss her nose and brush her long hair. Misty would follow us like a faithful guardian, jumping on the horse's back when mud stained her silver furr on our walks or watching me as I cleaned the mare.

          I usually kept long conversations with them, and when we were alone, several miles away from the farm, I told them all the stories I remembered from my past life. Sometimes I would cry, as I felt the stallion's merciful brown eyes on me, like she could understand me and pitied me for my suffering. The cat would climb onto my lap and catch my tears from my face, silently acknowledging my fears.

          Niven became my sister quite fast. She would gossip about everyone in town, about whatever her family did that annoyed her, about her past boyfriends and how they had no idea to please her. I would cringe and laugh, telling her about the memories I had, adapting them to this world. She was gracious, pure-hearted and such a good soul. Sometimes, her desire to help every lost spirit made me worry for her safety. I became attached to her more than anyone else, loving her like she was my family. I was around her equally as much as I was in Nimue's shop, preparing medicine.

          Once, when I hugged her, I remembered she resembled one of my dearest cousins from my old world. I knew her name on an instant, Claudia. They had the same dark looks and pale skin. I clutched her to my heart even tighter, fealing a piece of relief in my chest.

          I wondered why I still didn't have the courage to ask her about a library, to tell her my story, how I got here. I wanted to know more about the world beyond the ocean, about Prythian, about the seasonal courts and their High Lords. Maybe that way I could figure out the time inside the plot I fell into. But it was never the right moment and I was always so afraid of being rejected.

          Aoife was like the younger sister of Niven and I. We would always meet in Thaibar when I got myself a pause from Nimue and visited her store. We would talk about her family, about how her mother's situation was getting worse. I asked her to bring me to her once, so I can consult her, see if I can give her any medicine without making Aoife pay for anything.

          I knew she lived in a less than modest inn and that she was the only provider. Their living space was tidy and smelled like fresh dandelions, but it could trigger claustrophobia for the ones faint of heart. Even so, there was enough space for a chamber with two beds, the main room was also the kitchen and the place where they would bath. I laid my bag on the rusty table next to the simple clay vase filled with fresh flowers. There were three chairs, covered with a brown sheet so it could cover the cracks. Her windows where half painted with something that looked like glue, a pair of worn out red curtains covering them.

          Her mother's illness, Lydia, was quite advanced. She would be delusional most of the time, talking nonsens and walking naked around the house. When she first saw me, she bowed deeply, her forehead touching the ground and chanted a prayer like an obedient nun.

          It took me by surprise, even if Aoife warned me about what I was about to encounter. I blinked a couple of time, shaking the surprised figure off of my face and I smiled swiftly.

          " Like mother, like daughter. " I complimented, searching her blonde locks and deep blue eyes.

          The girl was a devoted image of her mother. Both small, with a slender figure and elegant features.

          Aoife approved with a tiny gesture, her heart-shaped face holding a sad mine as she watched her mother's sanity drifting between her fingers. After I asked a couple of questions and examined the woman myself, I had a strong feeling she dealt with what I used to call in my old world: schizophrenia.

          I would have said that maybe dementia or alzheimer could be involved as well, but it was not only a short term memory loss. Her odd way of acting, how she saw things, how she spoke to someone who was not in the room, all of these were more common for this type of mentall illness rather than anything else.

          Her mother was not with us anymore. She was lost in her own world and only a miracole could help her.

          " I'm afraid her mentallity is trapped inside it's own. " I explain, taking an elegant shaped bottle from my brown bag, " Pulling her outside of the dimension she made to protect herself might be dangerous for more than one reason. "

          " Can you be more specific? " Aoife pleased, placing her small and slim fingers on the table. " I know she's crazy, if your words are just a sophisticated way of saying it. I need to know if there's something I can do to either ease her pain or heal her. "

          She had been working at her flower shop and cleaned in a hurry when I came. Her wrists and nails were stained with mud and bits of grass and she radiated earthly tones of perfume, mixed with chrysanthemum.

          " I'm afraid she has no sense of pain anymore. " Speaking, I sting her mother's bare foot in several places, watching as her lost expresion never falters. " Her illness might be a protective mechanism against a traumatic event. Did she experince something like that? Do you remember? "

          The woman smiled at us, wide, crystal blue eyes piercing us both, like she saw something floating around. " There is so much gold! I want that in my pockets! Oh and those tongues of Death!... " Lydia rocked her thin body from side to side, laughing like a naughty teenager. Her clothes were disheveled and a few sizes too big for her sudden lost of weight.

          " I have no idea... " Aoife frowned, examining her mother causciously. " She was like this before my father left us. The only people that know are probably Niven's father or Nimue, as she was the one to tend to her. "

          Ah, great, so no one I could ask.

          " Alright, I'll see what I can find out and depending on that... Maybe we can find a way to help her. "

          The blonde laughed soflty, brushing a tear that escaped from her peacefull eyes and embraced me. " That will be wonderfull. Even if you don't find a solution, only the fact that you were willing to help means so much to me. "

          I smiled, holding her shoulders in my hands. A sudden thought passed my mind: I used to hold my lover like this before.

          I broke the hug, like her skin burned my hands and rushed to give her the bottle. " When she starts having her episodes, pour a few drops in a glass, enough to fill the bottom, then water. It will calm her and she'll sleep soundly. "

          " Thank you, again! "

          Something caught our attention outside and we stilled in the position. The noise made by a large crowd seemed to grow bigger and louder as they aproached the door to Aoife's place. It seemed like a revolution started on the streets and they wanted to burn all the houses.

          A few expresions passed our faces as we tried to decide what to do.

          In my humble opinion, I had no idea what a noisy crowd could mean here. In my dimension, this was either a protest or a wedding. Here, maybe someone sold his daughter and was throwing golden coins or someone was getting hanged publicly. Two different ideas I gathered from two different shows: Game of Thrones and Outlander. And francly, both of them had too much sexual assault for me to stomach.

          With a growing fear inside my bones, I tried to decide if I should be the one to check or let Aoife be the bait. I studied her for a few seconds, taking in her tiny silhouette and angelic features, just two of the reasons someone would jump her with no remorse.

          It wouldn't be fair to her. It was her world and I had a dying wish. And between the two of us, I was the one with a scar on my face. I was the one to check.

          I put my index on my lips, gesturing to remain silent and I moved closer to the window curtains.

          Lydia started to clap and laugh. " Mother, please. " Aoife asked, grabbing her from the bed and trying to hide her in another room.

          Peeking slowly over the glue paint, I only saw the streets swallowed by men and women, pleading and cheering. Colors of brown and black blocked my view, like a plague covering Thaibar. It seemed like a funeral. The image of that old man being beaten to death by the guards appeared before my eyes, the hollow and sick looks the people gave him as he drew his last breath before me.

          " I don't think it's safe. " I announce and must the courage to open the creaking door just  enough to throw an eye outside.

          Aoife comes to my side and studies the events from the town.

          " A royal parade? " She questiones, both in awe and horror, pushing past me.

          A royal what?

          Several dark knights walked proudly through the corridor made of people, sharp swords on their backs and the royal emblema shinning on their iron shoulders. They looked terrifying in their black costumes, with their face covered, spreading a smell of death and blood in the air. Some of them had arrows as weapons and I couldn't help but wonder if it was the famous ash wood that poisoned their edge. Their horses seemed as dangerous as they were, with red pupils and dressed in heavy armours. They seemed wild and aggressive, their galop loud and synchronised.

          " I don't think it's wise to get out. " I whisper, trying to grip her arm and pull her back inside

          The same hole digged between my lungs as my fingers roamed in the air, unable to find her in time.

          " Who's that? " Aoife asked again, standing on her toes to see over the peasant's head. " I have never seen him inside the palace. "

          As I stepped next to her, I locked our hands together. Alarmed, I studied the people passing, overwhelmed by the loud shouts and the amount of information coming my way. My intuition told me to run far away from that demonstration of power, but the blondie's feet were deeply rooted inside the earth.

          The first one I saw was the new king. Or at least, the one I suspected to be, thanks to the massive, golden crown engulfing his chestnut locks. His sharp face held a machiavelic expression, filled with victory and superiority. The man's trimmed beard and moustache was perfectly alligned with his high cheeckbones and black eyebrows. I felt like his beauty was speckled by harshly cut features: small eyes, straight eyebrows, angular mouth and a square chin. 

          He didn't wear any armour, only a fine tailored brown and gold suit that matched his tanned complexion. It looked like a cheap version of the High Fae's.

          " Is that the king? " I whisper in Aoife's ear and she approves, ducking her head so she wouldn't be seen by him. Her eyes remained locked on the stranger that followed close behind the crowned man.

          I raised my head and something inside me stirres. Red alarms rang inside my brain while I try to get a grip of my balls before I faint. It was like a deja-vu, eerie and unbelievable. I knew this man or... I felt like I knew him.

          The first thing I noticed over the sea of humans was red, a natural dark red, slightly auburn when the few sun rays hit his hair. It was kept at the back of his neck, leaving the long strands to carress his round shoulders. His face was long and arrogant, slightly ducked, so he could see every dirty peasant who asked for a few coins. Moving slowly, he dug his left hand inside his horse's bag and threw a fistfull of money in the air. His thin eyebrows frowned at the disgusting image of humans searching the mud.

          He was noble as well and the colours of his tailored jacket were more than enough to guess who he was. This, and the grey morality of the character visible even now, by visiting Hybern. Green and orange, embroided with heavy, shinny buttons. He must be Eris Vanserra, the heir of the Autumn Court.

          I swallowed and checked the dark handkerchief around my head. What should I do? He might be my ticket to Prythian, to my possible salvation. But how the fuck would I get close to him with so many guards and the high chances of getting fried by his powers. I wasn't even sure that going to the other continent would help me much, who would listen to me there? What was I even going to say?

          " Hi, I fell from the sky. Please help me get home. "

          It was a possibility though, even if it meant to start over...

          Of course, if I made it alive there, if I convinced Eris, the shadiest motherfucker from the series, with dark morals and high standards. Why wouldn't he make his way with me, trick me, then leave me like trash, nailed to a random tree? He was a Fae, after all, and I've heard enough not to trust him at all.

          But he did make it clear in the series that he tried to help Morrigan by breaking their engagement.

          I pressed a thumb to my temple, and focused on him. He was not a bad man... fae, whatever. Maybe...

          Pull yourself together, you're acting like a child!

          " Lower your heads!  " Nimue materialised from thin air, dragging me and Aoife away from the show.

          " What's the matter? " I asked, almost breaking my legs on the slippery streets.

          " You adore being the center of attention, little demon? " She snickered, pushing us inside her shop. " The man from the Autumn Court eyed you for minutes on end and you didn't even had the shame to avert yours. "

          " I was... No, I didn't realise... " I started to apologise, rubbind my hands.

          " Maybe he was watching me. " Aoife said, gathering her dress and peeking out the window again.

          " No, that gruesome king was watching you. That's even worse. For fuck's sake, stay away from the window! " Nimue screamed, grabbing the girl from her shoulders and pushing her aside. " You wouldn't want their attention drawn to you, trust me, these are fae creatures. They are aggressive and possessive, and really, really powerfull. What bussines do you have with him? "

          Aoife opened her mouth, but quicly closed it, ashamed.

          " Who are they? " I asked, trying to calm my breath.

          " The king's name is Draegan. He is a bastard who crowned himself and his mother after his father died during the war from Pryhtian. "

          " Who killed the last king? "

          This, this was the piece of information I needed to be sure of the timeline.

          " There are three sisters, the youngest one is the first High Lady in history. She reigns with her husband, Rhysand, over the Night Court. The first and second born sisters beheaded the King of Hybern. " Nimue confirmed my suspicions, giving me a solid point of where I was.

          So I fell in the fourth book, or somewhere right after the third.

          " And the redhead? " Aoife pursed her lips, swirling a blonde strand on her finger.

          " He is the oldest son of Beron, the High Lord of the Autumn Court. He is heir to the throne and is very, very unpredictable. " She wiped the concerned look from her face and shushed us.

          There was no doubt of what I had to do next. Risky or not, I had to talk to Niven.

          When the voices of the crowd slowly died, Nimue pulled two black cloacks from her drawers. " Both of you go back to your houses. Don't come outside untill tomorrow. Draegan is mad enough to put spies to follow Aoife if he caught his attention. "

          We circled the working table, filled as always with books and potions, and went to the back door.

          " This will help you leave unnoticed. Take Aoife to the farm. " Nimue commanded, her lilac dress swriling aroung her feet as she hurried us down the dusty path. " We'll meet after the weekend passes... Hopefully. "

          I stared back at the woman, noticing the concerned air surrounding her. A bad taste filled my mouth as grey clouds covered Thaibar, drowning the houses in a darker haze. A growing fear held my breath hostage between my rib cage as I studied the Countess's beautiful features. Deep down, I felt like it was the last time I would see her sour face.

           " Go! " She hissed again, throwing her hands in our direction.

          I bit back my anxiety and made a few steps behind. Our eyes met and in that weird moment, a cryptic thought passed between her mind to mine.

          The iminent sense of danger. 

          I took Aoife by the shoulders and put her head down, just as a shadow moved above the houses. Nimue's lips moved quickly, whispering, then blew the air upon us. I felt my skin tingly, like a thousand bugs crawled and nipped at it underneath my dress.

          " I feel so damn itchy. " Aoife started, scratching her face and neck, " The Countess has lices?! "

          I shake my head and push a finger between my lips, telling her to be quiet. As I moved my hand in front of my vision, I catch a glimpse of my aged, pale skin, covered with patches of darker spots.

          " She glamoured us... " I murmur towards the blonde, feeling the gravity of the world pulling me inside the magma center.

          " She really is a witch. "

          And the magic does exist.

          The child inside me danced with joy at the simple realization. Peeking again over my hood, I saw my master talking to two tall men. The third one was coming after us.

          " Aoife, someone is coming after us. Follow my lead. " I whisper, falsely tripping over the uneven road. " Oh... Haha, silly me, Gertrude... "

          The girl watched me skeptical and I nugged her with my elbow, " Your knees might be better, sister, but I took my father's vigorous genes. "

          Her laugh scratched my ears, sounding like a veritable crow.

          " Ladies. " A rough voice caught us from behind and we slowly turned, putting a hand over my hunched back.

          " Oh, look Gertrude, maybe you won't die an old lady after all. "

          Understanding shines in Aoife's blue eyes, and the satisfaction of the game crosses her now old face. " Shut up, you old hag, you know I've always liked blondes. "

          I could feel the knight's smoldering gaze even through the iron mask he wore over his face. The man was at least two heads taller than Aoife and I, and his oppressive energy was like a knife in the back of my neck. 

          " Ladies... " His voice was tinged with a hint of cunning and brute force, as if he had also trained his vocal cords to resemble his massive body.

          " Miss! " Aoife corrected him, brushing her now white locks with her bony fingers.

          The man looked back, as if he could barely contain his irritation, then turned to us, " Have you seen two young women walking around the village: a blonde, works at the palace and another wearing a blue headscarf? A few peasants said they came to these fields. "

         I can feel the muscles in her face tighten, squeezing my forearm tighter. Her eyebrow twitches, but she manages to keep her innocent appearance.

          " Sir, I can't see with my right eye and, obviously, the left one is crooked and suffers from glaucoma. I'm practically blind, I haven't seen anyone. " I laugh loudly, then suddenly stop, faking a backpain.

          " I can see... I won't keep you from your work, then. " The knight's dumb joke didn't pas unnoticed. As he left, he did not bid us farewell, nor did he look at us a second time and hurried to the witch's hut.

          From the distance, I catch Nimue's lilac eyes staring at me, and a slight warm breeze ruffles her brunette hair.

          We're fine. I try to tell her through telepathy, as if my magic  would just pop out of nowhere.

          " Actually, sir, I think I saw something. " Aoife finds herself speaking and I can barely keep myself from throwing her off the hill, " The blonde is preparing to bury her mother, it seems she died last night. She was going to the forest to collect flowers, but I have never seen the one with the headscarf, can you describe her better? "

          " Unfortunately, all we know is that she always covers her head and wanders around the village. The king thanks you for the information. "

          We both turn to our way and walk slowly to the forest where the parties were organized. When we are surrounded by pairs of tall trees, I pull down my hood and stop Aoife. I didn't even realized that spell had dissipated, so now I could look at the young version of the girl.

          " What was that? " I question, pulling my hand from her wrist, " What was with all those explanations? What if we got caught? "

          Aoife doesn't answer right away, instead she takes a deep breath and tugs a few strands of blonde hair from her head as she combs it with her fingers. She spins around a patch of grass, aggressively trampling over a handful of healthy marigolds, good enough for making tea.

          " Aoife, please stop... " I speak again, much calmer now, and put my hands on her shoulders, turning her face to mine. " I can help you. "

          The girl's physiognomy had completely changed: from hope to sadness, from ecstasy to agony. Tears stood on her lower eyelids, clinging to her blonde eyelashes.

          " I'm pregnant. " Her testimony hangs between the leaves, long enough for me to process the information.

          " With who? " I manage to keep my face solemn, trying hard not to make her go back into her shell.

          She doesn't answer me, but puts her hot hands over my palms and sobs jerkily. I remember our first conversation, in which she acknowledged that working at the palace was not all about cleaning and servitude. 

          " I asked about you because I wanted to know that being seen with me won't put you in any danger. If you change your handkerchief you will be fine, but I... I must either erase my own existence from the earth or someone else will erase it for me. " She puts her hands on her pelvis and falls slightly to her knees. "I'm so sorry, but I can't hold you, you're made with a monster..."

          I wipe a few drops of newly formed sweat and suddenly feel sick. Her child was made with Draegan, hence those languid looks, her searching, her desire to get into someone else's bed to hide whose child it really was.

         " If you're sure that's what you want, I can help you. " I admit as I sit on the ground next to her small body, then cup her face between my dusty fingers. " As long as the pregnancy is not far enough, I can help you get rid of it. "

          My mouth felt bitter talking about an unborn child like that. I didn't know which one was a more appropriate term for abortion: 'to kill him' or 'to get rid of him'. In either case, it sounded as if we were talking about a parasite, not a being in the process of becoming.

          But all these aspects were held by the age of the pregnancy: if it was less than a month or two, we couldn't talk about a life. It was very much an embryo, no heart, no lungs, no first breath, it would have been like any failed pregnancy. But if the child was much older, four, even five months, we were about to kill our first human.

          " A few weeks, three, maybe even four... "

          " Can I take a look? " I ask her cautiously and examine her abdomen as much as possible through the thin dress she was wearing, then feel her belly carefully.

          Everything was imperceptible. I couldn't tell just from a physical exam how advanced the pregnancy was. For a proper determination I had to separate her legs and look with a candle in her vagina in the middle of the forest. It wasn't medically ethical. But, again, nothing in this word was ethical.

        " I'm going to speak to Nimue as soon as possible to give you an abortion medicine. You must remain under her care for a day or two to make sure that the embryo is safely removed and that we can stop any bleeding that may follow. "

          " I can't pay you. All my money went to my mother's treatment. "

          " You don't have to, I have some money. I know Nimue. I'll solve it for you... "

          I bite the inside of my cheek, thinking about the bag of golden coins I'd painstakingly gathered during the weeks I'd worked for Nimue, waiting for me inside the nightstand that was now intended for the few clothes Nivy's mother made for me.

          I always had a little selfishness in me, I hated sharing my material goods and food with my younger cousins. Being the first niece in the family, I had to offer to others, without my will, much more often than I would have liked to. I was often left without the things that I enjoyed or with too little of them to satisfy me. That's how I ended up underappreciating myself and eating much less at our dinners, so that I could leave more to my parents. I thought about how they always worked to maintain our family and how they needed much more strength than me. The same thing occured with my younger cousins. If there were more of us at the table, I would take the wings, to leave the rest of the chicken to them.

          It was a small sacrifice for the things they gave me over the years.

          My father also taught me to save money and to avoid buying too many clothes, books or other things that in his eyes were useless. He gave me a small business from which I made enough money to be able to support myself and not rely on him anymore. It was not always prosperous, it mostly depended on the season, summer and autumn, when wine was made and people needed to preserve it over a longer period of time.

          Of course, other people appeared to whom I would have given my flesh in exchange, but they could only be counted on one hand: my mother, my girlfriend and my cousins from my mother's side. So no, I couldn't say that I would give my skin for my father, even though I knew deep down that he had done so much for me. The emotions that connected us had either rusted with age or dried up and petrified due to the many painful misunderstandings between us.

          " I'll find a way to pay you back. " Aoife sighed, wiping her eyes with the lining of her cloak, " You may think it's horrible that I have to give up the child, but I have no financial situation, nor a good mental state. I can't raise a poor, innocent soul to be happy. "

          " Don't think of me as an executioner. I am not putting a stigma on you and I don't see you differently. As an apprentice in medicine, I appreciate your rational side and I will try to help you as best as I can." I try to calm her down, while brushing her blonde strands that had stuck to her wet cheeks, " If it makes you feel any better, I would've made the same decision as you. You don't want to see your child barefoot like the ones in Thaibar. Let's just hope that he too will understand this when you both reach the skies. "

          From an early age I was taught, or whatever, I taught myself not to show my feelings: not to cry, because I would be weak and annoying, not to be happy, because in the next two seconds my father was going to crush my happiness, not to ask for bicycles, phones, laptops, because I would be constantly yelled at about the sacrifices he made for those money. All I had to do was wear the sickly smile, stuck with force in the middle of my face and a sterile dessert in my soul.

          However, my heart silently ached whenever I was hurt by those around me. Now, hearing such words even about an embryo that was going to be cut off from any chance of becoming a child, it shattered in my chest, throwing its sharp glass into my stomach.

          I place a hand on my own uterus, thinking about my words. I never wished for children. I wanted to live the life I didn't get until I was 23 years old, happy and without worries. I liked saving animals and taking care of them. I loved giving my hard earned money to adoption centers and volunteering there. I loved nature and theater, old music and opera. I could appreciate absolutely any kind of beautiful art and I could be cerebral at the same time. I always fought for what I loved, a living proof was my relationship from my old world.

          Would I be able to fight for a living for my child? Did I knew enough to teach him as well? Where would I get the money to dress him, to buy him something to eat? Could I offer him a roof to protect him from the cold and the rain?

         No. And I think that's what Aoife was thinking now.

          " Come on, get up, clean your face, we have to get to Niven and stay at the farm. " My words pass by her while I try to lift her from her mohammedan position.

          Sobs came uncontrollably from her already dry lips and her hands were shaking. She raises her eyes, now blue as the depths of the sea, and opens her mouth several times, trying to convey something to me.

          " Shh, shh, we'll be fine. I promise. "

          The girl places a hand on her sternum, burying her black fingernails in the white shirt she was wearing. I wrap my arms around her and rock her back and forth, like my mother used to do to calm me down.

          " After I kill my child, I'm going to sneak onto my uncle's ship and go to the continent. " Aoife explained, her voice barely rising through the broken sobs. I remain frozen, with my ears glued to her head. 

          I don't know what shocked me more: the words she chose, the frankness of it or the fact that she had a chance to leave.

          " Where do you want to go? "

          " Far from Prythian, on the northernmost continent, right near the shore where many immigrant ships anchor. There is a place where only women and a few children are allowed to stay. " She watched me with a spark of hope. " Not many people know about this place. It's a refuge for all species of creatures, protected by several layers of spells. Rosehall. "

          Rosehall. Rose-Hall. Another name I had heard of but being such an insignificant detail, I had forgotten about it.

          " You should run away with me. I can feel you don't belong here. "

          A second passes as I stare at her, with my mouth half opened, waiting for her to admit that she knows who I am and how I got here. I slowly roll my eyes around, waiting to see the farmers coming out with pitchforks and hammers from the trees. Not only was I an outsider, but I also had red hair. A flame for moths. And I also admitted that it was okay to want an abortion. Some people would torture you alive just for the last mentioned aspect.

          " What do you mean? " I ask cautiously, raising myself slightly in a more advantageous position for running away.

          " To be honest, I don't know what I wanted to say either. It's just that... " She looks at me carefully, with warmth, as if she knew me for a lifetime, as if she had seen in my soul something that no one has read before. " Don't mention this to anyone, but either I have a vision problem or I inherited it from my mother... I can see colors around people, my mother used to call it an 'aura' and yours is something I've never seen before : a dazzling gold, as if you were the daughter of the Sun incarnated in a mortal form. You are the first and only one so far. "

           I blinked a few times. A lot of compliments in one sentence. They were compliments, right? Golden aura, daughter of the Sun, the only one with such a color. Should I feel special? Because if the answer is yes, then I was definitely totally in the wrong direction. I wanted to make myself small and unimportant, as I was two seconds ago, before she told me what a strange color I have around me. 

          Thinking about it, Lydia did mention something today: enough gold to put in her pockets, tongues of Death. Was this all connected?

          I believed Aoife. I've always had an unbreakable faith in supernatural things, chakras, wicca stuff, crystals, tarot, aura, palm or coffee readings. How many times have I been with my mother to a weird old woman to make us reads in coffee beans. And above all of this: I fell through layers and layers of worlds, piled on top of each other. I could believe anything at this point.

          I was also very sensitive to the energy of the people around me. I could feel them from a kilometer away with what intentions they came towards me, who is bad or good, who is hidden or just introverted. I didn't take it as some superhuman quality, but only as a repercussion of the traumas at home when I learned to recognize the person by the steps and developed my peripheral view.

          " You'll say I'm crazy. " She stated, aware of every expression written on my face. Of course, my eyebrows had risen to the middle of my forehead, but I couldn't control myself. "My mother could see the Shadow People roaming around Thaibar late at night. You've probably heard that you shouldn't go near the forest unless you're in a very large group. It's good that Nimue and Niven's family warned you to cover your hair: these creatures have a weakness for stunning, red-haired women."

          " No, I'm sorry, I take your word for it. I've also seen enough in my life. Thank you for trusting me. " I smile at her and try to pick her up. " Before we leave, can you tell me if you see anything else? You know, in my aura? "

          Aoife seems caught on the wrong foot, but she quickly balances herself and frowns, as if she is trying to move an object with the power of her mind.

          " No. I've tried before, but I keep bumping into something when I want to dig deeper. It feels like you have a shield around you, sometimes they appear like sharp, shadow tongues. They intertwine in a thin thread  with your aura and they go somewhere, but the trail is cut, like it was severed. "

          I nod, half satisfied, half confused. I take her forearm in mine and gently lead her down the treaded path that led to Niven's family farm. The road through the woods was a very devious way to get to their house. It came through the back of the village and led to a large door, hollowed out in the surrounding walls.

          I glance at Aoife out of the corner of my eye, weighing on my tongue the question I've been dying to ask her ever since I heard that her uncle has a ship. This meant two things: if Aoife managed to filter herself in, either she could help me too or women were allowed on board as well. It was my ticket out of Thaibar.

          Of course, I had to think about several things if I wanted to run away with blondie. Well, if she ever let me come with her. Where I was going to go, money, how to reach the characters I knew from the book and how to persuade them into helping me. And all of this only if someone doesn't suddenly decide to kill me in all the other stages. I could get my hands on a map of Prythian. What I couldn't do was get to Velaris, where many of the Inner Circle spent their lives.

          Let's not talk about the fact that sexual assault here was something that occured often inside every court I had to cross to reach the night one. And not only that: it was the killing factor, as I said, thieves, creatures and faes and I had close to zero military training to deal with them. I didn't know how to handle a knife beyond chopping and cutting herbs and meat, I didn't know how to fight with someone. I only knew how to struggle and hope that I manage to do some damage. They had no guns here, just bows or swords or daggers. And on top of that: I had no powers to use.

          It was phenomenal how I had fallen into this universe, survived the crash and received no special power, no unique ability. Nothing. I was just a simple healer.

          The only thing I could use to my advantage, if I was going to travel, was to search through Nimue's manuals and get myself some poisons, sulfuric acid, something that could have resembled firecrackers or bombs, and all this had to be carried in a purse and in sufficiently resistant containers.

          Dear good. How complicated it was to get back to my own shitty life. If I must say one thing: I don't even know why I'm fighting so much to get back. No one was waiting for me except Icarus, and my life was as precarious as here. At least in this world I had something to eat.

          I raise a hand to massage my temples and sigh.

          I didn't know where to start the plan and where to end. My mind was broken. What I needed now was a second opinion: Niven. I was determined, today I have to talk to her, to convince her that I'm not crazy and that neither is she and that  I'm not from this world.

          " Something is bothering you. " Aoife observed, who now seemed a bit more relaxed, " Is it about our discussion earlier? "

          " Not at all. I promised that I would help you and I will do so. It's just..." I grimace, refusing to look at her, focusing my gaze on Niven's house from a few steps away. " If you were to leave, as you said, can I come with you? "

          Aoife measures me from head to toe. Someone calls us from afar.

          " I thought you were happy here. Why would you want to leave? "

          " You were right when you said I'm not from here. I have to find my way back home. " I confess as I stop on my tracks, my black cloak sweeping the ground around me. " I can't stay here forever, I need help and I think I can find it on the continent. "

          " You mean Prythian or the northern continent, right? " Aoife says cautiously, her blonde hair shining brightly in the light.

          I lightly nod my head and see her understanding passing in her eyes. "Something happened here... "

          " Girls, you're on time. Some of the workers from dad's church brought some bags with books they found there. " Niven speaks excitedly, moving her gaze from me to Aoife, who were staring at each other. " Um, since mom has work and Shum is away, I was thinking you could help me organize them and take them back when I'm ready. Did something happen? "

          " I think Cyan has something very important to tell us. "

          I finally look at the most important person in my life for the last few weeks. My savior, who was either going to think I was crazy or kick me out. Sweat was running down her temples and upper lip and the sleeves of her gray shirt were up to her elbows.

          " Niven, it's time to tell you the truth." 

          " You finally found the courage... I have been waiting for you to talk to me. "

P.S.: The chapter is not fully edited. Tomorrow part 2 is up. ❤️

[chibiraincloud]

I finally finsihed the last book of MDZS. I wanted to take my time and try to pace my self since I read 3 of the books in like a 2 week spand. Just some my final thoughts. It's going to sound sappy but it's made me really emotional now that it's done.

I love this series so much. It's been years since I've finished a book and immediately wanted to reread it. It's so perfectly balanced. It has action, mystery sadness, and joy all with in the pages. There was only ever one part I struggled to read but every moment holding these books were just needing to know what happend next.

It honestly couldn't have come at a better time. I've had a hard couple of months, and MDZS got me thru them. Not just the books but the art and the fandom really helped me. I feel so grateful to have this story during such a hard time. It was something I looked forward to and enjoyed every page. I read the novel and watched the donghua. I'm almost done with Manhua and started the Untamed. I really can't remember enjoying something so thoroughly before. But it's brought me such joy with every kind of media.

The fan base has been so wonderful and passionate. I've gotten closer to friends because we can all gush about books and cosplay together. It's really just felt like a light for me during these dark times.

This final book was so soft and sweet. It was lovely having the stories to better know all the characters. Getting to actually have the happily ever after. I have a weak spots for fantasy but this series stuck something in not many pieces of literature has. I could probably ramble on forever but I will end it here for now. I enjoyed the last book.

From the wise words of Mary Elizabeth McGlynn."Something does not have to be in your life for a long time to have a profound impact on your soul."

[kin-n-n]

Look who's crawling out of their blanket cave of misery! Thanks for the tag @busymagpie, let it be stated that I rarely do any of these because I rarely get any and if I do I start but don't finish them and they end up rotting away in my drafts...so congrats, I guess?

3 Ships:

Oh man this is so hard for a multifandom enjoyer of any kind of ships there are too many, how dare you make me try and cram the multitude of joy bringing character dynamics I have into just three single ships!? What I can say is I'm in my gen ship era so predominantly batfam (especially Dick and Jason, Tim and Jason and just Bruce being a good Dad) Then there's the qpr of the core4 teen titan members because they make me melt into a happy puddle of warmth.

I also got dragged into the Hell that is the Call Of Duty fandom because my brain decided that was a good idea?! And I have an especially soft spot for Rudy/Alejandro

First Ship:

Okay, so this is going to be a very obscure one that no one knows and I'm not sure if I was actually actively shipping them because this was the first Anime I watched way back when and I just thought they were neat but it's the big brother character and his roommate I believe(it's been so long even I can't really remember) from Cheeky Vampire.

Last Song:

Waltz No. 1, Collapse – Hikaru Shirosu

I'm sick and alone at home so I needed something soothing to accompany this dreary winter day.

Last Movie:

I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in a while some time ago and we spontaneously decided to go watch Black Adam because I had been really hyped for it and it was airing and she couldn't resist my puppy dog eyes ehehe It was a real fun watch

Currently Reading:

Err...Technically...The Silmarilion but I somehow just can't find my way into it no matter how much I want to. Probably should've started with LotR instead...but aside from that the Jason Todd Zine I ordered came in the mail and I've been enjoying all the wonderful fanfic, if that counts?

Currently Watching:

Hmmm, nothing really. I started a re watch of Mob Psycho 100 recently but didn’t finish it. There is a Anime I'm waiting on that's going to air in late January I wanna watch it's about two detective/assassin type characters that find a child and have to take care of her and the found family feels is exactly my vibes ><

Also, I am determined to watch The Untamed for real this time, as soon as I'm better and not so swamped with uni work!

Currently Consuming:

Leftover crepes from yesterday's breakfast

Currently Craving:

Health, because I've almost chocked/suffocated to death way too much over the last week and maybe after I'm better a bit more motivation so I can finish important uni projects that are overdue and also start doodling a bit on the side again

No pressure tagging @swanfloatieknight and @ed-teach

[momtaku]

How is historia going to fit in the current story? Idk it could be just me, but this pregnancy plot so far is just annoying. I believe there were times isayama could have her back into the story, and yet I feel we won't see til the very end of the story.

Historia has a lot of explaining to do. Whatever secrets she’s holding right now will likely fill the knowledge gaps in Eren’s story. Since Historia seems to have received visions of her own during the medal ceremony, when we get Historia’s POV, it will unlock critical information about Eren, his vision, and “that scenery”. Because Isayama likes torturing us (and wants to sell enough manga to buy that onsen), he’s holding onto that information for as long as he can.

I’ve been saying for a long time that we won’t get Eren’s POV directly. His story is first going to be told through others. Chapter 106 provided Armin’s POV where we saw Eren’s attitude and ideas during the failed negotiations with Hizaru. Chapter 123 was Mikasa’s POV. It gave us insight into his state of mind just prior to the attack on Liberio. My guess is the Historia POV will be what happened in between--how the conversation with Yelena pointed Eren in Zeke’s direction. 

I don’t know where it fits either, but as we’ve seen in recent chapters, when Isayama wants to bring the cast together, he’s willing to take huge logic leaps and shortcuts. So who knows. Maybe she’ll be eating pie at the port. Maybe Floch has kidnapped her as well. “Historia when?” has to be “Historia soon!” because I think the SC needs the information she holds before their confrontation with him.

Thanks for the ask!

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a commonplace book

6pm, sunday, sept 12, 2021

what, again? i hear you cry. yeah, me too. this is a quick a roundup after the zeroth week of the term which is promising to be the most chaotic yet.

reading finished watership down! i get the reputation that this book has now, for making cute woodland creatures dark and dramatic-- but it was the mythological/linguistic/poetic stuff that i liked the most. the lapine vocab just always ended up...sounding and tasting very satisfying, good mouth feel. and at last section with the assault on efrafra was so stressful-- and the various twist endings!-- and i was glad to realize that i'd gotten personally invested in a couple of characters; seeing bigwig in the epilogue, having grown old, having survived, hit me hard.

i also finished the chosen and the beautiful, and turned around and have told everyone i talk to about it. i've also picked up aliette de bodard's in the vanisher's palace, and it has been reminding me incessantly about the d*sney film raya and the last dragon, which i watched a little bit of on the plane to nyc. like!! the world building, the dragons, the post-apoc setting, the big gay energy. this novel seems to only have characters who use she or they pronouns, and they address pronouns in some interesting ways too, to convey formality, register, intimacy between characters, etc. i wish the overall writing style was less variable though-- the geometry of the titular palace is meant to be anti-geometric, nausea-inducing, dizzying, and sometimes the jumps from scene to scene almost mirror that?

listening this is my memo to myself to click on my mutuals' music links more often. i took a chance on @girlfriendsofthegalaxy's cowboy-joke post of miya folick's "stop talking (about that boy)" and then spent a solid week on a miya folick kick, just listening to her same album premonitions. i don't know if i can shoehorn my dnd character's backstory into the lyrics of "deadbody", but something about the righteous fury in her voice, it really does feel like faertrin, and in my head it's an anthem for my weird little man. please listen to it for its own sake, though, the video makes it clear that it's really about domestic violence vel sim, not dnd revolutionaries.

watching nothing quite like getting to the end of the timeskip in the untamed in grand style, with lotus root and rib soup made by the inimitable @pep-squad-lizzie, a heartbreaking montero powerpoint by @dimir-charmer, dessert by @hematiterings, and emperor's smile by me, after nearly eight months of working on this show together. y'all. the catharsis. i can start posting things from my drafts folder now that Certain Characters are dead, thank god, i only have uhhhhh 1k drafts or so.

playing my dnd campaign one resumes tomorrow! they're all coming over to my back porch, for my first time hosting after being in this group for more than a year! i'm feeling extremely normal about this!

making a housemate and i threw some brownies together last night, while keeping out of the way as an outgoing housemate moved out-- it went fairly quickly, wasn't nearly as tense as i was afraid it was, and we sent them away with a mushy brownie piece each. phew.

working on in a rare moment of only having one (more or less) project to work on, i actually sent my prof a draft outline of the paper the same week i had planned to, as well as the updated draft of the intro essay with all the changes she asked for. now to...outline a diss proposal..........spent thursday being back in an academic library for the first time since march 2020, which was fine, even mildly comical as i watched new students try to navigate the stacks elevators, it was very like 'well this is business as usual and not even that nostalgic' up until i stepped into one of the classrooms in this particular niche topic-specific library on campus, which just looked so...hopeful and nervous and expectant, with its carefully marked seats and hand sanitizers. when will there be an in-person palaeography class in there again? not this fall. but the room is ready. :')

[hannie-dul-set]

when jaehyun said he was picking you up to go somewhere, you didn't exactly expect to be found in the middle of nowhere. trees were lining the field from a faraway distance and the tall grasses sunk from underneath you. the two of you were leaning against the side of his car on top of a hill on god knows where with no one else but the stars, the moon, and the both of you.

"drinking wine straight out of the bottle— aren't you a classy man?"

a laugh reverberated from jaehyun's throat and he looked at you under the solace of the inky night sky. "let me have my moments, miss y/n."

you sat beside him on the grassy clearing, lightly playing with one of his hands and you looked up to him, only to see downcast drenching his pretty features. letting go of his hand, you sighed and sat up straight, stirring confusion from the male.

"alright, mr. jung," you narrowed your eyes at him. "what's going on in your head? why are you being all sad?" 

he let out a huff of air, lips upturned into a semi-forced smile as he gently took your hand back into his, lacing his fingers into yours. "is it that obvious?"

"you're transparent, jaehyun."

sighing, he adjusted his position and took another swig at the hard drink. "you know how overboard some girls may get around me, right?"

"i've witnessed first hand during your party," you laugh, remembering how panicked he looked during that time. "it was a pitiful sight."

"it wasn't pitiful."

the words left like a soft whine from his lips and you continued to tease him, saying that he looked like a small mouse (ironic, considering his stature) being fought over by a group of wild cats, much to his displeasure.

"anyways," he coughed out, a light wash of pink dousing his cheeks, both from your previous joking and the slight chill of the night's wind. "there's this one girl named seonha— i've never told you about her— and, uh, i wouldn't say she's obsessed with me, but—"

"she's obsessed with you?"

you finished, quirking your brow at him and he hesitantly nodded. "yes, you can say that."

"hm," you hummed. "why, what'd she do?"

"a lot of things," he sighed. "her family is closely knitted with mine so i'd met here during one of their charity auctions. since then, she wouldn't stop following me around— in my office building, when i'm out with mark and johnny. hell, even when i'm out of the country."

jaehyun's exasperation ran through his voice as he continued to tell you about the girl.

"she'd even stir up dating rumors about us two which is messed up all on its own. you could argue that at least there's only one of them bothering me, but it's like selling off a few floods for one gigantic storm," the now empty wine bottle was long forgotten on the ground. jaehyun went on with his rant, raking his free hand into his hair. "johnny and mark had told me to file a restraining order, but that wouldn't do anything considering their family's influence, so i have no choice but to deal with her."

the light chirping of crickets amplified the depth of the evening. you guessed it was already around ten, maybe even later than that. it crossed your mind for a short moment that you had work tomorrow, but that thought quickly diminished into thin air.

"has she still been bothering you lately? i don't think i noticed her around you before," you asked, moving your head away to look at him. his hair was in a slight mess and he was slightly tinged pink. yet underneath the glow of the moonlight, he was still as tantalizing as the nighttime sky.

"she's been on a trip to italy these past few months," he softly replied, gazing down at you like your very own moon. "but she's also been texting me nonstop so that's something."

"well, at least she's not here right now."

"about that," jaehyun enunciated. "she's coming back here in a week."

you went silent and jaehyun could feel his heartbeat slowly but surely rising. were you upset that he'd just told you now? did knowing about seonha bother you? it's not easy for jaehyun to read people's emotions— he'd always been lacking with that category. the longer your silence, the tighter his chest got.

"will you be okay?"

like a sudden breath of warmth, your voice pierced through him and suddenly he can breathe again.

"do i have to protect you like last time?"

the teasing tone in your voice relieved him but at the same time it caused him to glare at you, feigning fake offense and you laughed at him. at least he knew you're not upset.

"i'll be fine, you don't have to worry," he said, giving you a smile of assurance. you detached your hand from his and decided to scoot closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder and he naturally found his arm around your waist. "but, enough about that— how was your day, miss y/n?"

"you don't wanna hear about my day. it's as boring as it could get," you reasoned, letting out a small yawn afterwards.

"i do want to hear," he pressed. "i don't mind if it's boring or not. i like listening to you speak."

he caught you off guard with that, to say the least, and you quickly snapped your head to face him. your mind concluded that it was a fatal mistake to do that since now your faces are mere centimeters apart, noses nearly touching. the cold air that was once biting at your skin was suddenly deemed nonexistent due to the sudden rising of the heat.

"a—alright," you stammered, diverting your attention to the sky instead. "if you fall asleep listening, then don't say i didn't warn you, jaehyun."

and so you went on about your day. starting from how you almost got late to your first job because jungwoo and donghyuck thought it was a good idea to barge into your house at four in the morning for a sudden non-sleepover sleepover. then you told him about the adorably gigantic dog you spotted while you were headed for lunch. and now you were talking about one annoying customer you had earlier in the bakery.

"there were five other people in line after her, but apparently getting her blueberry muffin to exactly a hundred-ninety degrees fahrenheit was much more important," you groaned, dropping your head back against the steel of the car. "and of course, i went and reheated one damned muffin just so she would stop complaining."

jaehyun swore he was listening to you. he was attentive— very attentive, and paid the utmost attention to any changes on your features— the way brows bunched up whenever you stop to think for a moment, the way your cheeks were slightly flushed and how you tried to hide it with your hair, the way your lips enunciated each vowel and each consonant and—

fucking hell, your lips.

halfway through your muffin story, his ears were suddenly muffled, his surroundings were a blur, and all he could think about was how your lips would feel against his.

"hyuck always tells me that i'm a bit of a pushover sometimes, and i'm starting to think he's right."

he could hear his heart ringing against his ears. you paused for a moment, sinking your teeth over the plush of your lip in the midst of thought and jaehyun felt like he was being driven into a dangerous corner. 

"do you think i'm a pushover, jae?" your head jolted to face jaehyun and his breath was suddenly caught inside his throat along with the sudden thoughts of you overlapping with more thoughts of you, bringing his mind to a combustible state of disarray. "jaehyun? you alright there?"

"oh— um, sorry," he coughed out. "i got a bit distracted, uh, what— what were you saying?"

his fluster was not only demonstrated by the cracks in his voice, but also by the way his cheeks were flaring scarlet and how he refused to look at you.

"distracted by what exactly?" you questioned.

jaehyun was a smart man. having graduated earlier than his peers and landing such a respectable spot in the company at a young age, you'd think he'd be articulate in every situation thrown at him, but somehow he found himself tripping over his own words."will— will i sound stupid if i say i got distracted by you?" 

oh my god.

"no no," you laughed, your heart suddenly caged inside an untamed whirlwind. you gently moved your left hand over his face, making him look into you. giddiness tugged at your cheeks, releasing an uncontrollable smile. "it's not stupid at all."

a simultaneous burst of dizzying bliss ruptured between the both of you— coming in the form of the identical beams on both of your faces, staring into each others' eyes as if the moon wasn't the brightest thing in the night.

and somehow, under the spectacle of a million stars,

you kissed.

it hadn't dawned on you that you'd waited for this moment to happen until it actually did. soft lips brushing against yours, rousing an unspeakable rush of heat. it was gentle at first— like the light tremors on the sea until the waves suddenly crashed onto you. his parted lips incessant against yours, leaving you in a buzz and on the brink of gasping for air.

until you felt him stop, abruptly pulling away from you with guilt ridden eyes.

"jae? is everything alright?"

"y/n, i— i'm sorry."

in the midst of your shared kiss, jaehyun realized something. and he couldn't bear the thought of it.

he had realized that he was in love with you.

so, so in love with you.

"i can't— i can't do this to you, y/n."

you felt a lump in your throat and you stared at him, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. was there something wrong— did you do something wrong? everything felt normal until now, everything felt right. but as you looked at him with tears threatening to spill, you'd thought that maybe none of this was right in the first place.

and maybe jaehyun had realized that, too.

"oh," you sucked in a breath, avoiding eye contact with him, and stumbled to get up from the ground. "right, of course. it— it would be damaging to your reputation if you're with me."

the icy breath of the air hit your face once you managed to stand up, the cold flooding your senses once more. "we both know that this wouldn't work out," you gazed down at him, only to see the glass stained heaviness in his eyes and you nearly broke down. turning your back at him, you swallowed, closing your eyes for a brief moment before choking out,

"i— i should go—"

"y/n, i love you."

you froze. everything froze. 

"my reputation, my image— god, all of those disappear when i'm with you," jaehyun's trembling voice seeped into every corner of your mind, restricting the air from coming into your lungs. "i'm… i'm not an expert when it comes to this but there is no denying that i am in love with you, y/n."

slowly, you went back to face him. jaehyun stood there, bearing his heart to you. the wind brushing against his hair as he looked at you with mist in glazing over his eyes. it was hard to not just run into his arms, telling him that you were also stupidly in love with him, but you held your words back, waiting for him to finish.

"but... with my job and everything," he stutters out. "i—i won't be able to dedicate all of my time to you, i won't be able to take care of you like i should, i—

i can't make you happy, y/n"

"but you already do."

there was a strong gust, breathing against your skin. you felt your heart drop to your knees, a constricting grasp replacing it in your chest as you felt the tears well up even more like a dam itching to break.

"do you think i don't know that? yes, i know you're busy— i know you have a shit ton of responsibilities to the point where you'd probably suffocate from them, and—and i know that sometimes finding time to have a single fucking conversation with you is sometimes impossible," your breath hitched, nearly choking over your own words but you went on. "but that has never stopped you from making me feel happy, jae. because even a single second spent with you can make make me happier than the rest of my life combined, so don't ever say that you can't make me happy because for fuck's sake— jung jaehyun, 

i'm at my happiest when i'm with you."

silence flooded. your breathing was scattered after all the things that you said, chest rising and falling in a repeated rhythm. jaehyun says nothing, only looking at you with an unidentifiable glimmer of heaviness in his face as he slowly walked towards you, closing in the space between you until it was practically insignificant. you could hear his heart beating.

he brings your face into his hands, not even realizing that you were crying until he gently wipes away the tears streaming down your cheeks. you look into him, his eyes pooling with oceans and oceans of emotions.

"i'm at my happiest when i'm with you, too."

a second kiss was shared that night— with a million stars watching over you.

gold painted canvas

the classic rich boy and poor girl love story but with less prejudice and more happiness

28 // make you happy

a/n: woah it took nearly 30 parts but at least it happened ;)) this took three days of utter procrastination but i hope you liked it jhhxjsjsjs

masterlist | next >>

taglist:

@joshva @salty-for-suga @starlightshua @itsjynop @riverdale-kpop @lokideadontheinside @aborivin @catallergieswillnotstopme @kingalls00 @hannahdinse8 @irrelevxntstxr @junglewoos @stopitvpls @lynniac @neolights @neocultech-baby @shailaaa @elmuchohottie @bat-shark-repellant @hufflepanda221b @svteez @sehunniepot

unable to tag:

@jaehyunsgoodthing @crtznstuff

[lans-rabbit-glade]

Tag Game!

i was tagged by @still-snowing - thanks so much! <3

rules: tag nine people you want to get to know better

favorite color: usually yellow! 💛 followed closely by blue and sometimes green

currently reading: i've been awful at reading anything other than fanfics recently BUT i'll be starting The Hobbit soon for a mini book club with my friend! it's her favorite book and we both decided it's high time i finally read it lol

last song: "Black Bullet" from the Run with the Wind ost by Yuki Hayashi!

last movie: hmm it's been a while since i've watched any movies tbh? i watched the first half of Stowaway with my family a few weeks ago before my mom and i broke off to do our own thing bc we weren't feeling it pfhghfh

last series: i've been watching Tiger & Bunny and it's so fun!! also slowly rewatching The Untamed with my future brother-in-law

sweet, savory, or spicy: hmm i'd say savory followed closely by sweet! (i have a painfully weak spice tolerance lmao)

craving: this is gonna sound ridiculous but i've been staying with my sister for the week and she and her fiancé eat so healthy with fresh meals and everything that right now i'm really just craving the frozen tv dinners i usually have at home LOL

tea or coffee: definitely tea!! or hot chocolate 😌

currently working on: oh lord i'm gonna have to expose myself with this one uhHh-- ok so i'm almost finished writing this crack fic for my best friend's birthday based on an inside joke in which their favorite pairing gets amicably divorced skfhdgfj this is the only thing i have ever voluntarily written and it has been a blast! and i have a few more crack fic ideas already lined up in my head 👀 time will tell if i ever develop the motivation to actually start them. ALSO longer term and on a more serious note, i'm in the very very early stages of planning my sister's wedding!! :D

tagging: @immortalsins @sweetlittlevampire @agendratum @yibocrisis @hearteyeswangji @fuckingspacequeen @mejomonster @wanderingthunderstorm @jetainia @blueanpurple and anyone who wants to!! no pressure at all if you've already done this or don't wanna - just wanted to say hi and that i think you guys are neat :D

[wildwood-reader]

Reading Update #5

October 30, 2022

Recently Finished

BOOKS

The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System Vol. 2 by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu

Edition: Paperback

Final Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

Final Thoughts: I don't think it captivated me as much as Vol. 1 did, which is probably why I paused it for so long before finishing it, but overall it was still really fun and I'm looking forward to continuing it.

The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (& The Bottle Imp) by Robert Louis Stevenson

Edition: Paperback

Final Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️.75

Final Thoughts: This was very short, so I read it within a couple of days. I don't know why, but there's just something very relaxing about the way classics are written, at least for me. I feel like the story didn't utilize its full potential, which is a shame, really, because I think this could have been a great longer book. But what we got was nice to read with a little bit of mystery, which was nice. Since this was my first time reading it after only having seen depictions of Mr Hyde in movies such as The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I was surprised to find out what the original Mr Hyde was really supposed to look like, which is basically the opposite of what I've seen thus far.

As for the novelette(?) The Bottle Imp that was also included in my edition, the story was a very interesting one. The idea of a bottle that can fulfill all your wishes but that will drag you to hell basically if you still own it when you die, so your only choice is to sell it for a lower price than the one you bought it for was very fascinating to me. Since I am not an indigenous person of Hawai'i, I can't speak for how well the representation was handled, all I can say is that while I enjoyed the story, some things did rub me the wrong way a little bit.

FANFICTION

The Black Mist House (Series) by Bang Bang Keef Keef

Fandom: Voltron Legendary Defender

Kudos: Part 1 ✅️ Part 2 ✅️

Final Thoughts: We finally read Part 2 of the series and it was really fun. The mystery and the unsettling things that were happening were engaging and kept me curious as to how the story would play out in the end. I enjoyed it.

Bella Goes to Therapy by Bouncey

Fandom: The Twilight Saga

Kudos: ✅️

Final Thoughts: I don't know why really, but this week I had the urge to read a fic about Bella going to therapy during Edward's absence in New Moon, and it delivered what I was looking for on almost all fronts. We got some delving into her relationship with Edward and the rest of the Cullens, and how it affected her life (minus explaining that they're vampires, of course), and a confrontation with Edward at the end, so yay for that.

Currently Reading

BOOKS

Marked by Kim Richardson

Edition: ebook

Progress: 38%

Current Rating: ⭐️⭐️.75

Thoughts: The writing is only okay but the story hasn't lost my interest yet, so we'll see how it goes. I like the silly parts of it.

FANFICTION

Fall of the Crimson Flower by AkatsukiShin (in artistic collaboration with brilcrist)

Fandom: Word of Honor

Progress: Chapter 2.5/6/?

Up-to-date? No

Chapters Behind: 4.5

Kudos: ✅️

Thoughts: Okay, this is getting ridiculous, Jen, it's really time to catch up. 🥲

Heaven Has A Road But No One Walks It by Silvestris

Fandom: The Untamed

Progress: Chapter 48/48/?

Up-to-date? Yes

Kudos: ✅️

Thoughts: Ooh, there was so much good stuff in the new chapter, I had such a great time. 😋

This is it for last and current reads. DNFs and my backlog are under the cut. 😶‍🌫️

DNF'd¹

BOOKS

Please Don't Tell My Parents I'm A Supervillain by Richard Roberts

Edition: ebook

Stopped reading at: 2%

DNF'd because: I couldn't even finish the first chapter. Maybe it's because I've been out of school, especially high school age, for a long time, but the descriptions of the MC's school day were just so boring. The writing was fine, but very mediocre and didn't hold my attention, so unfortunately, this was a no from me. Pity, since the premise sounded really good.

Witch for Hire by N.E. Conneely

Edition: ebook

Stopped reading at: 7%

DNF'd because: With this one, I actually made an effort to finish the first chapter, but I wished it were over almost the entire time I was reading. 🥲 The idea of a modern magical society with witches, vampires, trolls and other creatures as well as normal humans is really cool, but the writing is mediocre at best, unfortunately. I found myself repeatedly groaning, so this one's another no from me.

Alone by Robert J. Crane

Edition: ebook

Stopped reading at: 2%

DNF'd because: The first paragraph actually wasn't bad, but then it went downhill really fast. Next.

¹ I should explain that at the moment, I'm going through my ebook library which has mostly books in it that I've owned for 7+ years and still not read. I try to read the first chapter and then decide if I want to continue it or not. I doubt that the majority of them still captivate me the same way as their premises did when I bought them, so there's probably gonna be a lot of DNF'ing 🙈 I've also dropped more books after reading their synopses and realizing that they're not even appealing enough for me to start reading them anymore. 😶‍🌫️

BACKLOG²

BOOKS

Wayward Son by Rainbow Rowell

Edition: Paperback

Progress: Page 102/341

Current Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Thoughts: This is a buddy read with my bestie, and right now it just doesn't fit the autumn vibe. We'll probably pick it back up some time after Halloween.

FANFICTION

Red Azalea by CeNedraRiva

Fandom: The Untamed

Progress: Chapter 112/135/?

Up-to-date? No

Chapters Behind: 23

Kudos: ✅️

Thoughts: The stars are still not aligned for me to continue it just yet, but I'm really excited for everything that's coming. 👻

Setting Fire To Our Insides by StarsAlignNomore

Fandom: The Untamed

Progress: Chapter 14/22/?

Up-to-date? No

Chapters Behind: 8

Kudos: ✅️

Thoughts: Y'know what, I think I will be ready to continue it soon; it fits my vibe hunger just enough, so we'll see. 😋

Impossible Life (Series) by Comfect

Fandom: The Untamed

Progress: Part 1/3

Finished Reading? No

Parts Behind: 2

Kudos: Part 1 ✅️

Thoughts: Not sure yet when I'll continue this, but I'm looking forward to Part 2.

*Backlog refers to books and fic that I've started reading but have since put on hold due to various reasons

[specialability]

personal/writing update

tl;dr, brain meds might be influencing my ability to be creative and write, good news is I might be going off the ones i'm currently on rn cause they don't work so uhhh might start writing again soonish? who knows

the tmi version:

So up until age ~19 I wrote fanfic or roleplaying pretty much every day. Then I sort of gradually stopped and didn't write anything again until last summer when I got sick. I was spending so much time drugged up on anti-nausea pills and laying around I decided to watch some BL tv shows that had been recommended to me via FujoCon... that was The Untamed. Then I found out it was based on a book so I read MDZS, then I looked up other danmei tv shows and watched Word of Honour and started reading TYK and really started writing every day again.

It was like going from black and white to colour, something made my imagination turn on again after so many years and I was having a lot of fun. I didn't really know why though and I talked to my therapist about how worried I was that it would just go away again, since I don't know what caused it in the first place. I had short periods of writer's block / depression but mostly it was good. Up until about April. That's when I started feeling like I just lost the ability to come up with ideas again. It's like a switch was flipped in my brain or something.

Well, the only thing that lines up with those periods of creativity/brainlessness is... depression medication. I'm like the textbook "treatment-resistent depression", I've taken every SSRI/SNRI in the book over the past 10+ years, and last year we kind of ran out of options so my doctor and I took a break on trying things until I could fix my physical health problems (gallstones, as it turns out) and my housing issues (needed to get a new roommate to split rent). I was only taking a few lighter/weirder possible brain meds from June 2021. Then in March I started taking a tricyclic antidepressant and that basically coincided with my current writer's block... and I ran out of pills on Thursday and the pharmacy couldn't get any in blah blah blah basically I started feeling more creative again even just not taking my pills for a few days. Now I can't just go off the pills randomly it's not safe (serotonin withdrawal syndrome is Bad, kids) but since it's not doing anything for my depression I will probably taper off them again over the next few weeks.

Long story short, I might get The Magic back soon, hopefully.

I don't want to discourage anyone who is on or trying various brain meds because certainly there's no point in being creative but also being so depressed you can't work or live your life or finish projects etc. But I've tried literally almost every med in the books and none of them work, so there's no point in taking something that doesn't work *and* has all kinds of side-effects, one of which is not being able to do something I really enjoy.

Incidentally, one of the well-known side effects of anti-depressants is lowering your libido / erectile dysfunction / inability to orgasm. And that's been pretty consistent for me too - when I was a teen I was Horny and when I'm on meds I'm basically asexual, don't think about sex at all and don't masturbate. So I'm not saying my writing ability is all about being able to fap but uhhhhh it's correlation not causation lol