#but in a story that avalanche needs to have a PURPOSE or else the audience will be angry and annoyed and bored

[birbfeeder2artisticboogaloo]

ok no no i need to. i need to start at the beginning.

'night of the living dead' (1968) basically codified the whole slow-moving, ppl-eating zombie phenomenon into a Genre. zombie stuff HAD existed before that, buuuut mostly as a......well, a racist misunderstanding of certain cultures and their religious beliefs. for example in 'the white zombie' (1932) a lady gets ~transformed~ into a zombie by an '''''evil voodoo master''''' 👀 and after said master dies, she's ~freed from her trance~ and goes back to normal. so it's not at all like the zombies of 'night'. there were a bunch of other old films like that one but im not an ooooold film guy so. i can't really. rec anything sorry ✌😔

BUT. 'night of the living dead', aside from the slow ppl-eaters, was also a biting social commentary about racism. SPOILER ALERT, but in the film, everyone dies in the end bc nobody wants to listen to ben, who is a black man. and ben himself dies bc a white guy saw him in the window, assumed he was a zombie or didn't CARE, and shot him. (and yes i AM salty about this every time, thanks for asking 😒) the film makes it pretty clear that if everyone had been able to stop arguing, swallow their pride, and work together, they would have all survived the night. (well. MOSTLY all. KAREN'S MUM >:V)

THEN!!! IN 1978!!! 'dawn of the dead' appeared!!! its 1970s swag, comic book feel, and biting social commentary (sensing a theme, right???) made it ALSO quite the show stopper!! some feel it's superior to the original!!! (personally i find 'night' more enjoyable to WATCH, but the first time watching 'dawn' was very affecting!!! i was a changed birb!!!) it's strange to see it from a contemporary perspective, bc that kind of scathing callout for extreme consumerism and hypercapitalism was......pretty rare tbh?? the only other comparable film i can think of is 'shock treatment' (1981) and THAT was LEAGUES ahead of its time, basically PROPHESYING reality television and the changes in the way ppl treated celebrity and fame and---THAT'S A DIFFERENT POST, BIRB!!! STAHP.

ok where was i. scathing social commentary and 70s swag, right!!! (OH AND tom savini's amazing effects. fly high king!!! u did incredible work in maniac as well sadhsohdoashh why am i like thissss) SOCIAL COMMENTARY AND SWAG.

........NEITHER of which are present in this 2004 remake of 'dawn of the dead'. since, as i said, it's in 2004. and i mean.....ANY film can make social commentary about the environment it takes place in. but in this film it was extremely.......lacklustre ;A;

it wasn't.......bad???? not EXACTLY. i've SEEN bad films, ok, and this??? doesn't make the list. the sets and costumes are fine (well.....mostly 👀) the effects are all right, as well. it's.....it's fine. it's not great, it's not terrible, ving rhames is there!!! he puts in a good performance imo!!! i don't recognise anyone else, but that doesn't mean anything, bc i don't know shit about actors, and also im bad at remembering. anything.

but it's just so.......bland. and dull!!! and not fun at all ;A; it tries to be ~edgy~ a few times, but it falls flat bc they either don't go all the way, or they immediately undermine whatever point they're trying to make in the next scene. example!!! once they figure out that zombie bite = certain death, they argue over whether they should kill the member of their group who's been bitten but hasn't turned yet. ok!! so this is a question of morality!! that's fine, films can certainly address that!!!

steve 1 wants to shoot bite man!! steve 2 says no!!! she tells bite man that steve 1 is going to shoot him!!! bite man is sad bc his daughter is there. but he doesn't want to zombie. so actually he goes into a different room, dies, and then steve 1 shoots his corpse so that he does not zombie.

SO. the moral question had no payoff!! it was immediately resolved, and steve 2 wasn't even in the scene, and doesn't mention it again afterward!! but that doesn't even MATTER actually!! bc the AUDIENCE have known from the start that bite = death bc we already watched it happen to steve 1's husband in the opening of the fecking film. so for the audience, the scene is POINTLESS. we already KNOW how this works bc we SAW IT HAPPEN, so now we're just sitting here shouting abuse at the screen in the hopes that these idiots will save themselves!!! AAA. FRUSTRATING ;A;

and as ive said, the rest of the film's production value is too good for it to be a hokey fun campy time. this isn't a baby indie film where i can forgive pointless scenes or shit effects bc it's just normal ppl making a film for fun or bc it means something to THEM and they are putting their whole heart into it. this is a professional film!! a well funded one!!! which doesn't have a tight budget to excuse its mistakes or poor choices!! THEY HAD $26 MILLION. THAT'S. KIND OF A LOT OF MONEY, NO?????

ourhgghgh. i don't like being a hater!! (that is not true. i love it and im having a great time, unfortunately 😔) but there's really!!! NO REASON for the film to be this MEH, considering it's a remake of a GOOD film, and the director should probably have some sort of UNDERSTANDING of a film BEFORE he attempts to remake it!!! right?? is that?? like im not crazy for thinking so, right?????? RIGHT????

the issues of the day had changed from 1978 to 2004, certainly. but they could still make commentary about the issues of the day in 2004. or!! they could have just made a gory splatter-fest for fun!! and NOT called it 'dawn of the dead'!!! since they didn't intend to include BOTH ingredients!! (ie gore and commentary). bc that is. that's what the 'of the dead' series WAS. impressive gore effects and scathing commentary. i didn't necessarily AGREE with every point george romero tried to make in ALL of his films; 'diary of the dead' (2007) was a bit insufferable for me, actually. BUT IT WAS STILL GORE AND COMMENTARY. LIKE THE OTHER ONES.

the thing about the og romero zombies is that they are slow, tireless, and will swarm and overwhelm u. BUT, thru TEAMWORK, u CAN survive!! bc zombies are very dumb!!! u just need to be smarter than zombies!!! unfortunately, some ppl are NOT smarter than zombies, so they end up dead. but others escape in helicopters or on boats and live to fight another day!!

EXCEPT. except in 'dawn' 2004..........the idiots DID learn to work together. they were distrustful at first, but apropos of nothing, they began to work together and care about each other, unlike in 'night'. AND!!! they did not succumb to the mindless consumerism for ages like in 'dawn' 1978!!!!

in other words........they defeated the true enemies of the first and second films. they overcame the societal ills of prejudice and consumerism, and were working together and looking after each other without hoarding all the mall stuff or gorging themselves on sweets and arcade games. there's one scene, ONE MONTAGE, over which they played a swing cover of down with the sickness, where some of the guys are shooting zombies for fun, but like......killing the zombies is ALSO for their own safety?? so???? i feel like making a game of it, while very morbid, is still a rather understandable thing to do, esp if ur trying to stave off the madness from being trapped inside a big scary american shopping mall!!!!!! it really wasn't that bad, compared to that one walking dead thingy where they had dog-fighting rings, but with zombies. that's. that's weirder to me, ok. it just is 👀

SO. DESPITE SYMBOLICALLY OVERCOMING the TRUE threats to humanity (prejudice and consumerism, u recall)..........they still lose most of them in the end.

YEAH. THEY STILL. MOST OF THEM still FUCKING DIE, and most of them were in random moments of absolutely goat-fucking STUPIDITY, as opposed to ~heroic sacrifices~ made for the ~greater good~. (which ALSO counts as overcoming prejudice btw, since hat man had been an asshole at first who only cared for his OWN safety, and in the end, sacrificed himself to save the others......even tho there was someone who was ALREADY BITTEN who probably should have done it INSTEAD but who's COUNTING??? NOT ME >:V)

LIKE. WHO KEEPS A CHAINSAW RUNNING INSIDE A MOVING VEHICLE. once he was done sawing zombies thru the....i assume they were zombie-sawing holes in their armoured bus, WHY WOULD STEVE 5 KEEP THE FUCKING CHAINSAW ON????? U KNOW THOSE THINGS USE PETROL RIGHT???? WHY WERE U WASTING THE PETROL WHEN U WEREN'T USING THE CHAINSAW??? WHY WEREN'T U CONSERVING RESOURCES FOR LATER?????? and then when driver asshole!steve jostles the bus round, WHOOPS!!! the chainsaw went RIGHT INTO slutty!steve's shoulder!!! there goes slutty!steve, she is now dead!!! and steve 5 is dead as well. somehow. idk the bus crashed or something??? whatever. i don't care. im annoyed.

despite crashing the buss, asshole!steve crawls out, leaving the other two behind......only to have a zombie do a lara croft drop-stealth attack from above!!! oh noes!! if only asshole!steve had had several seconds to hear the loud zombie loudly growling loudly, so he could raise the gun that was ALREADY IN HIS HAND AND SHOOT IT BEFORE IT KILLED HIM. IF ONLY, GUYS. IF ONLY.

and then when the rest of the group check on them, asshole!steve is already a zombie. cool. that's fine. there is ZERO consistency for how quickly ppl turn into zombies but that's fine, it's not like i care.

ALSO ALSO??? zombie baby. i've seen it done. MORE than once. it's never been good. it's never, ever been good, or edgy, or even terribly tragic. it's just silly. and occasionally disgusting. let that one die pls. unless ur going all in on a pregnancy horror story, just.....don't. just let that trope die 😔

at least the dog was ok. that is my only comfort in all this. the dog, chips, was all right ;A; (zombies don't eat dogs. in most films, zombies only eat humans, with the notable exception of 'survival of the dead' (2009) where the zombies......learn to eat horses????? idk i. think i blocked most of that film from my memory. there was probably a reason. it was probably for the best. O_O) (notable as in, notable for mainstream zombie films, that is!!! resident evil is ofc its OWN entity, and i dare not try to explain what occurs in the lawless lands of 1980s italian horror films. i don't. i don't want to talk about it. idk if i COULD talk about it. what would i say. what if i accidentally mentioned the sheep guts scene. i don't. i don't want to remember the sheep guts scenE OH GOD IT'S BACK HALP HAAAAALLLLPPP MAKE IT STAAAAAAHP AAAAAAAAAAAAAA ;A;)

im fine. probably.

what was i saying??

OH RIGHT. 'DAWN' REMAKE. yeah it wasn't very good. i was shouting at it but not in the fun way. it was mostly boring, a bit annoying, but not poorly made or with distractingly bad acting. it was just meh. it could have been better tho!!! which is a shame, it's always very sad to see wasted potential like that smh. and it had the fast athletic zombies, which i do not like. i mean to each their own!!! but personally slow, creeping dread will always be more effective on me than jumpscares and flashing lights. one just startles u. the other???is true horror. my fav analogy is like this: terror is what u feel when there's a big scary bear looming over u while growling and frothing at the mouth. horror is what u felt five minutes before that, when u found ur friends' backpacks and shredded clothes, with bloody bones nearby, and realised what that meant. one is immediate, the other builds slowly. they can both be used very effectively in media!!! buuuuut everyone's different, so it won't affect everyone the same way, u know??

....i was a bit cross when i started writing this but i feel much calmer now. why was i angry??? oh well 🤣🤣🤣

I FUCKING. HATE THIS STUPID FUCKIING FILM

ok ok im sorry it's. it's not quite as bad as all that. i just. GRRRRRRRR.

[beware-of-the-light]

Thoughts On Black Widow (the movie)

Since the calendar shows January, I figured we have had plenty of time since the release of the movie to be able to discuss it in a more civil manner, so here is my try.

Of course, the opinions stated below are mine alone, and you are not expected to agree with them. I am looking forward to a discussion actually, with the condition that we behave like rational beings.

So.

The opening scene was great. The family facade being broken, Natasha trying to save her sister from going down the same path as her and miserably failing. Her screams were gut wrenching, the fact that she had already been through the first stage of training was shocking. Established tone and theme quickly.

The opening credits were the most impactful thing in any marvel project ever. The images, the music, the rapid succession of video and photographs, those old school cartoons, the voice over, "Her...and this one," the political leaders marked, little girls with guns in their hands, the surgeries, the cold war news and the old videotape footage of the Christmas trees. I remember how there was no noise in the cinema, nothing at all. I watched it with a friend that had never had any contact with marvel before; she was terrified. That's what the Red Room was supposed to be. Scary and disorienting.

Unfortunately they wasted all of this in the credits.

The movie felt like an origin story for Yelena more than anything else. As is the whole purpose of it was to establish her as a character, the one that the Black Widow mantle will be passed on.

And I felt that things weren't earned.

For this I will use as a reference point the dinner scene. It was undoubtedly the best scene in the entire movie, after the credits of course. It establishes the dynamics perfectly. And it perfectly demonstrates my main issue with the movie. There is no accountability. Forgiveness isn't earned, it is more performative than anything else.

Why do we forgive Melina? What has she done to earn it? Helped Natasha? Well, no shit. Did she sacrifice anything to do so? Has she come in terms with her past actions in order to do so? No.

"Those agents that you chemically subjugated around the globe? That was me."

We see the shock in Melina's face, but what does she do after that? Does she apologise? Does she offer herself as a sacrifice in order to help Yelena? The other Widows? No.

Does she take accountability of her actions? Do we, as an audience are ever again presented with the fact that she is a monster after the pig scene? Again, no. And the pig scene that is absolutely TERRIFYING is downplayed with a cheap joke, "you named a pig after me?" We are demonstrated a monstrous act, where she exhibits mind control over an animal in such an extend that it stops breathing, knowing that she can use the same control on humans, and we just let it go? Why?

Yelena mentions that after Natasha escaped, the restraints tightened, such as nobody could escape ever again. This includes Yelena herself of course. Does Natasha apologise? No. Did she try to come back after escaping? Again, no. Did she try to help her sister or anyone else? Is this ever brought up as a past flaw? No, and no.

Yelena herself causes a massive avalanche that brutally kills hundreds of people, including prisoners and guards just doing their job. Does anyone focus on this? Does anyone care? Does the film itself frame it as something negative? No!! It is literally forgotten after a couple of beats, and again framed with a joke about cool ways to die. Why?? Why is that???

The movie could have been a gut-wrenching story about people finally being confronted with their past mistakes, but they just decided to skip over that. People are forgiven because the plot needs them to.

And the ultimate past mistake. Antonia.

Don't get me started on the poor girl. Let's split this in two parts. Taskmaster and Antonia, focusing on the point that they converge.

Taskmaster is a terrifying thing. Copies your fighting style perfectly, we see it (as we are not yet aware she is a person) as a ruthless machine Natasha barely escapes. I remember thinking that such a thing could only be AI, exposed to the fighting styles of all the widows and the avengers so it could mimic them perfectly. The USB charging scene only helped with my theory.

Antonia is a tragedy. The ultimate past mistake in Natasha's collection. The red in her ledger. The one Loki himself was aware of. Her biggest regret. And it really was a tragedy. It brought up the question, what is collateral damage? Who are we if consider a child as such?

But when it was reveled that Taskmaster was Antonia all this was erased. Hear me out. Antonia surviving is a deus ex machina. Automatically erasing Natasha's biggest regret. The child wasn't killed. Now it is something that can be fixed, there is no guilt to process, no mistakes haunting her.

And how is it fixed? With a gust of red smoke in the face. Is Antonia angry? Does Natasha have to do any work in order to earn her forgiveness? No.

It demonstrates how Dreykov was the one using her, and when he is gone, there is no hate between them, but, why? The widows being healed would have been enough. Let someone earn their forgiveness, it is all I am asking. Natasha was planning to murder a child. She thought that a six year old was collateral damage. She is haunted but her ghosts turn out to be alive and they believe in the power of friendship.

Ugh.

This movie could have been phenomenal with a few tweaks, Yelena tracking down the widows in Hawkeye was masterfully done. Such was the whole Hawkeye plot, about people dealing with their worse regrets. It physically pains me that Black Widow could have been that but it wasn't. She deserved a great movie, one that could be a reference point. But we got pig jokes instead.

Not to say that there weren't good moments. In addition to the ones I already mentioned, the American Pie scene was excellent, Red Guardian bonding with Yelena, the "sweetie? it's me, mama," Yelena buying her own clothes.

But the Red Room of the credits, and the Red Room of the finale, where it was brought down by four people, some red smoke and the power of friendship were two very different things.

[phantom-le6]

Film Review - Mulan (2020)

As I noted in my previous film review for The New Mutants, I’ve temporarily postponed working through a backlog of TV show reviews to tackle a couple more film reviews.  With The New Mutants having been the first of those two films, I now give you my review for the second, which is the live-action remake of the Disney classic Mulan…

Plot (adapted from Wikipedia):

In Imperial China, Hua Mulan is an adventurous and active girl to the disappointment of her parents, who hope that one day she will be wed to a good husband. As a young woman, Mulan is forced to meet with a matchmaker to demonstrate her fitness as a future wife. Mulan, flustered, attempts to pour tea in front of the matchmaker, but a spider causes a panic from her little sister Xiu, accidentally causing a mishap that destroys the kettle, leading the matchmaker to call her a disgrace in front of her family.

To the north, an imperial outpost is invaded by Rouran warriors, under the leadership of Böri Khan. They are assisted by the witch Xianniang, who uses her magic to pose as a surviving soldier and report the attack to the Emperor of China; he then issues a conscription decree ordering every family to contribute one man to fight Khan's forces.

Imperial soldiers arrive in Mulan's village to enlist recruits and her father Hua Zhou is forced to pledge his service as he has no sons, immediately keeling over in front of the soldiers due to his bad leg. Realizing that her father has no chance of survival, Mulan flees with his armor, horse, and sword to join in his place. Mulan arrives at the training camp, which is run by Commander Tung, an old comrade of Hua Zhou. Alongside dozens of other inexperienced recruits, she ultimately becomes a trained soldier under his tutelage without exposing her true identity.

The Khan's army continues to advance, forcing Tung to end training early and send his battalion to fight. Mulan chases some troops on her own, but is confronted by Xianniang, who mocks her for pretending to be a man. She attempts to kill Mulan, but her attacks are stopped by the leather with which Mulan's chest had been bound to hide her identity. Mulan removes her male disguise, returning to the battle just as the Rourans begin attacking her fellow troops with a trebuchet. Mulan uses discarded helmets and her archery skills to maneuver the trebuchet into firing on a snowy mountain, triggering an avalanche that buries the Rourans.

Mulan rides back to camp and rescues Chen Honghui, a soldier she befriended in camp. Unable to hide her true gender any longer, she is expelled from the army and begins her return home. On her way, she is confronted by Xianniang, who reveals that she was also shunned by her people and fights for Böri Khan only because he treats her as an equal and that no one else does. Additionally, she reveals that the attacks on the outposts have been a diversion, as Khan's true plan is to capture and execute the Emperor for having his father killed. Risking execution, Mulan returns to her battalion to warn them of the impending capture. Tung decides to believe her, and allows her to lead a unit to the Emperor's palace. 

Xianniang uses her magic to assume the appearance of the Imperial Chancellor and persuades the Emperor to accept Böri Khan's challenge to single combat, while removing the city guards from their posts. The guards are murdered, and the Rourans prepare to burn the Emperor alive. Mulan's unit distracts the Rourans while Mulan goes to save the Emperor. Khan tries to snipe her with an arrow, but Xianniang, sympathetic to Mulan and disenchanted from Khan, transforms into a bird and sacrifices herself by intercepting the arrow. Mulan kills Khan, but not before he disarms her and destroys her father's sword. She frees the Emperor, who offers to let her join his personal guard. She declines the offer and returns to her village. 

Mulan is reunited with her family. An emissary from the Emperor, under the leadership of Commander Tung, arrives to present Mulan with a new sword, while making a personal request that she join the Emperor's Guard.

Review:

Apparently, this film got really slated by Chinese audiences for numerous historical and cultural mishandlings and errors, so before I get into looking at the film itself, I’d like to point out something about Disney films in general.  News flash, ladies and gentlemen, most of them are not original stories; the majority are based on historical legends, folk tales, fairy tales and story books, and not a single one will ever be spot on to what it was before.  Frozen?  A very loose adaptation of Hans Christian Anderson’s story The Snow Queen.  Snow White?  The original version of that story would read more like a horror film than children’s animation.  101 Dalmatians?  The Disney animated feature is very dumbed down and stream-lined compared to the novel. Given this, no one should expect any Disney film to be historically or culturally spot-on.  This is what Disney does, and always has done, and you have to keep that in mind every time you watch these films.  Plus, films are by their very nature made up, even when based on true stories.  Cultural and historical accuracy is what documentaries are for. 

Now, having said all this with regard to managing one’s expectations of Mulan in terms of its historical and cultural inaccuracies, I’d also like to point out that while the film is by and large a remake of the Disney animated classic, it’s not a remake like we’ve seen from Disney before now.  With the likes of Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin and the Lion King, the films have been adapted in a way that preserves the basic genre, plot and overall identity of the original film, simply adding to or adjusting as necessary to make the film effective in a photo-realistic format.  With Mulan, however, the remake focuses more on Mulan’s struggle in having to go off to war and become a solider, so this martial arts war film aspect ends up removing the musical aspect of the film, though fans of the original film will recognise variants on key songs within the score of the film. 

To my mind, taking out the musical elements and a degree of the cartoonish comedy through the elimination of Mushu was a very good move.  War is a brutal, bloody business that isn’t an appropriate environment for characters to be breaking into big musical numbers in.  Even the animated version of Mulan understood this by keeping its musical numbers confined to Mulan’s civilian life and time as a trainee conscript. Once the soldiers were confronted by the aftermath of war near the end of that film’s second act, we don’t get another song until we’re going into the end credits. 

That being said, I do feel that the film starts poorly, with the various scenes of social awkwardness around the film’s start and middle, ranging from the matchmaker debacle to Mulan’s various efforts at pretending to be a man all being scenes I didn’t enjoy.  These weren’t so bad in the animated version (well, the matchmaker was, but I digress), and I think that’s because animation is a medium that slightly diffuses that kind of awkwardness in a scene.  In live action, it’s a bit too close to real life, and as an autistic person I have enough moments of social awkwardness in my own life; I don’t need to see it in the things I watch for purposes of escapism and general entertainment. 

However, outside of archaic marital customs and the worst soldier’s drag act since Hugh Laurie in the Blackadder Goes Forth episode ‘Major Star’, the film still has good points.  The film’s other scenes are well-acted by all concerned, the fight scenes are well-down and the scoring is very good.  I also like the addition of the witch character of Xianniang, and linking her to Mulan through the idea that it is showing a mastery of chi energy for combat despite being woman that causes ostracism for both women.  This adds to the underlying moral of gender equality that is the core of the Mulan story, from original legend to animated film and on into this live action remake.  In addition, the actress who voiced Mulan in the original animated film has a cameo in this film introducing Mulan to the Emperor near the end of the film, so we also have a rare ‘passing of the baton’ moment not common to Disney remakes. 

Overall, Disney has created a decent remake of Mulan despite the loss of its musical genre in favour of more action and a greater focus on the war element of the story.  It’s just unfortunate that, for me at least, the awkwardness of some scenes makes the film an uncomfortable thing to sit through during parts of the first two-thirds, especially given their importance to the overall plot and concept of the film.  Frankly, I think the makers of this film needed to find a substitute for the animation medium in terms of diffusing some of that social awkwardness, and frankly retention of a talking dragon might have helped a bit.  Overall, I’d probably give this remake about 7 out of 10.

[nautilusopus]

Finding people that share my general opinion that the Compilation of FF7 was bad and in many ways invalidating of the og and Avalanche is such a treat. And I agree about wanting more Avalanche centered fic and how CC time travel is WY too prevalent. Tell me, would you agree with describing CC Zack as a boring, ineffective copy of Sora?

I mean.. I definitely get what you’re saying, and yes, but also no, if only because Zack and Sora were both meant to evoke different things and therefore were botched in different ways, even if they basically have the same personality now. 

With Sora, his whole thing was originally that he just lost his friends, family, home, and everything he ever knew, and was making a conscious choice to keep smiling even if it hurt. Somewhere along the line I think he went from that to “happy bouncy angel child” and they forgot he had a personality. It wasn’t anything particularly deep, but it was there, at least. 

With Zack I think the mistake is a lot more unforgiveable, especially considering the game he appeared in and its message, because the kicker is that originally, Zack was not a good person.

A nice guy? Sure. But not a good person. Zack was a Soldier First Class, and in the original game that meant something. These were the unscrupulous murderers sent in to dispatch anyone that needed dispatching. Crisis Core shied away heavily from showing any sort of moral ambiguity going on with its protagonist, who, lest we forget, was attempting to attain “honour” via a mass-murdering megacorporation with zero respect for human life. The fact that this man is constantly turning around defending this company in any way should have very, very clearly been made out to be a character flaw than “aww he doesn’t know any better” because… dude… what the fuck are you even doing here otherwise. It’s a paramilitary death squad. It was never anything else, ever. This is known in-universe for years.

This guy was also up and willing to just become a mercenary when Shinra was no longer an option – hardly an “honourable” thing to do, and yet the game is hell-bent on presenting him at every turn as the one good person in the setting. And, I mean, maybe he is, but if so why the fuck is he consistently defending an institution that should go against everything this new Zack supposedly stands for? If he’s gonna do that, it should be made clear that this is a serious flaw of his, but instead it’s just kinda there. Because honour and dreams or whatever. 

The fact that Crisis Core shied away from putting any sort of accountability on Shinra as an institution and the fact that Zack would have had to turn a Bloodborne-amount of blind eyes towards all of this shit to go into Soldier actually seeking honour from propping up an imperialist regime in the name of making sure the audience could relate to the character because they’re apparently too dumb to understand things like nuance so just make it nice and simple for them probably is a large contributor to the whole Crisis Core Time Travel plague in the fanbase, where people are all too happy to just remove Hojo and Hollander who are clearly the real villains here and just leave the rest of the company intact, where Cloud lives happily ever after being in Soldier where he probably goes on to murder more slum-dwellers in his spare time. But hey, dream achieved or whatever. 

(I like to pretend these fics all have a secret ending where everyone dies in twenty years anyway when the Planet finally gives out under the strain of “slowly making changes from the inside” if Shinra being bad independently of Hojo and the President gets mentioned at all.)

Towards the end of it, Zack never really drops the glory-seeking thing and never stops believing in the honour of Soldier, and the sheer lack of self-awareness in the message the game is trying to sell is astounding. 

Sora I think they just forgot to give him depth, but there wasn’t any insidious retconning for marketing purposes going on. Zack, they intentionally removed it so nobody would have to think too hard about the protagonist learning he was maybe wrong and being part of a group of people that never had any honour to begin with, completely independent of whatever hamfisted thing about “monsters” they were also trying to cram in there. 

I think a lot of this is boiling down to tone issues. Sora’s new personality, while disappointing, doesn’t clash quite as horrifically with the circumstances he’s in. Zack is another story. 

[make this more coherent later]

[berry-cat7]

That’s What He Said

Gen/Friendship

Rated T

Innuendos

1,056 Words

Summary: Tetsuya isn’t sure why he thought it was a good idea to invite Shige to a casual game of basketball with the GoM. Surprisingly, it’s off the court where things get painful. He should have thought real long and hard before he opened his mouth.

AO3 or Fanfiction

He's doing it on purpose.

Shige is a lot of things, and a traitorous bastard is definitely one of them.

"-and do you know what he does next?" He's grinning, gesturing animatedly and completely enrapturing his audience. Even Akashi is listening with a smile as they sit down at the side of the street court, void of any other occupants but the rest of the Miracles as they break for halftime.

"No, what?" God, he wants to gouge out Aomine's eyes. The way he keeps glancing at him with a wide grin on his face, clearly enjoying every second of his humiliation is just awful.

"He put it back!" Shige barely manages to finish before breaking down into hysterics, putting a hand to his face in a vain attempt to control himself.

Momoi is scandalized, turning to him with a new light in her eyes. "Tetsu-kun!"

"Oh my god! Kurokocchi was wild!" Kise has literal tears in his eyes, face reddened beyond the point of being attractive and Tetsuya is fairly tempted to take a photo and post it online.

Even Akashi and Murasakibara are laughing at his expense. Far more contained than Aomine or Shige, but it's still awful. All of this is just awful. He never should have made them get along, he should have insisted that the damage was far too great and let things stay awkward. At least Midorima has the decency to pretend he's drinking from his water bottle. The level of liquid was hardly decreasing though, and the slight dribble of water running down his neck proved he's definitely having some trouble actually getting anything down, but his farce is a mercy compared to everyone else.

Shige is still gasping for air as he starts speaking again, and Tetsuya really hopes he chokes on his next breath. "Tetsuya was such a little- Oh! Oh! I got another one!" He's incensed all over again, arms flailing in his excitement to further drag his best friend's name in the mud. His life is one long example of 'Who needs enemies when you have friends like these.'

His old teammates, like the savage pack of wolves they are, frenzy at the scent of fresh blood and demand to hear the next story. He doesn't like the gleam in Shige's eyes, like he's sizing up what piece of Tetsuya's dignity to cut out and serve next. "Remember that time we went to Shizune-chan's house?"

No.

This is where he draws the line.

"Don't you dare Shige-kun." He hopes the visible frown on his face is enough to deter him, but he must be able to see the fear in his eyes as well because Shige isn't deterred in the slightest.

"Oh, so you want me to tell The River Story?"

It's not like he doesn't have dirt on Shige either. There's the time he picked up rabbit poop because someone convinced him it was chocolate. There was the time he gushed about his crush, not knowing they were well within earshot. There was the time his pants fell in the middle of the playground, tugging down his underwear with them. He definitely has stories of equal mortification to tell about Shige, but the audience renders the scale useless when they definitely want to hear embarrassing things about him. Maybe after a couple more meetings they'll be on even footing, but right now Shige knows he has the upper hand and is milking it for all its worth. He hates it, but Tetsuya has to concede it's his victory.

He wilts, hunching into himself in defeat. "You suck."

"And you swallow."

It's a kneejerk reaction.

"Bet your dad told you all about it."

Instant regret.

It's one of those moments you wish you could travel back in time, and slit your own throat. He did not mean to say that, it was just far too easy to fall back into old patterns and he may act a little crasser with Shige.

Midorima sprays his drink all over Kise's face but the blond was hardly bothered as he gaped at the phantom man. For a moment, everyone is looking at him with wide eyes. Of course, Shige is the one to start the avalanche of laughter. If he thought they were in hysterics earlier, he obviously didn't know the meaning of the word until now. Kise is clutching his sides now as if he's going to burst at the seams and Momoi has transcended from giggling to these guinea pig like squeaks. Murasakibara's clearly crushed the bag of cracker snacks that he's been clutching in his hand as he laughs just as openly as everyone else. Even Akashi's cheeks are rosy from the exertion as he appraises him with new eyes, Shige and Aomine's booming cackles impossible to ignore on top of it all. He is well aware that he's blushing a bright red that puts Akashi's hair to shame.

"I…I didn't mean for that to come out of my mouth."

"You sure meant for him to cum in it." He's definitely going to punch Aomine.

Dear lord.

Midorima is clearly his only true friend. He's laughing as well, but he's snorting in his effort to keep quiet. Tetsuya can appreciate the attempt. Midorima will survive.

Yes, not even Akashi will have the privilege of mercy.

"Oh god Tetsuya! Couldn't have done it better myself!" Shige is positively glowing, and he has the audacity to pat him on the back after all this.

"Not that that means much." Bitter? Who's bitter? Never met them in his life.

Aomine cringes in faux sympathy, dabbing away the moisture around his eyes with mirth still shaking his frame. "Ouch Tetsu, where's all this coming from?"

"The same place as your endless stupidity. That is to say, it's been here all along." It may have been a little unwarranted, but he's pretty sure he's allowed to fire some shots after being the target of a group roast session for the last fifteen minutes.

"Oi!"

"Geez Tetsuya, who jizzed in your cereal? Oh wait, my dad apparently."

"You're all dead to me, even Momoi-san. Midorima-kun is my new favourite."

"Eh? I'm sorry Tetsu-kun!"

"Kurokocchi why!?"

"Wait, who was your old favourite?"

"Kagami-kun."

"What? He's not even part of this group!"

"And doesn't that show just how low you all rank."

((For the rest of the day, they proceed to make 'That's what Kuroko said' jokes and everyone but Momoi and Midorima take a basketball to the face and/or gut during the last half of the game.))

[adamwatchesmovies]

A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

A Dog’s Purpose is a Furby. It’s a mechanically engineered simulation of sweetness with big eyes meant to sucker you. It’s fake and manipulative.

A dog named Bailey (voiced by Josh Gad) is adopted by Ethan (played as a child by Ethan Montgomery, as a teen by K. J. Apa and as an adult by Dennis Quaid). After Bailey passes away, he is suddenly reborn in a new dog body, still wondering what a dog's purpose is.

This is a grandma movie. A picture that drenches itself in artificial sentimentality to ensure no one will be upset, enlightened or moved except in shallow ways. It doesn’t challenge you or have much to say. I get it. The world is a scary place right now. You want some comfort food but come on. You can do better than this!

A Dog's Purpose is a series of unremarkable stories about dogs strung together with the comforting thought that when your baby dies, he/she doesn’t really die. There’s the lonely guy on the farm that let love slip away, the lonely police officer (John Ortiz) working on the canine unit, the lonely woman (Kirby Howell-Baptiste) who doesn’t think she needs anyone else (but she does). Cue the sappy music and the one-dimensional cardboard cut-out characters. Still not sold? Here’s an avalanche of shots of dogs chasing their tails, whimpering adorably, all set to Josh Gad humorously commenting on how canines don't understand this crazy human world! Have you got your ticket yet?!

I realize I’m not really supposed to think too much about the premise, but I couldn’t help myself. If dogs reincarnate, do other animals too? How many dog personalities are floating around? Wouldn’t Bailey be some prehistoric dog from when wolves were first domesticated 14,000 years ago? Do dogs chase cars in the hopes of getting run over and then reborn? Can we hear the thoughts of one of those dogs that go crazy and ends up biting some poor toddler’s face off? What was it thinking?

A Dog's Purpose is shamelessly afraid of taking chances, of actually writing a story about a dog and instead opts for that old trick of layering baby talk over footage of a cute little animal. I know there’s controversy going on with some people accusing the filmmakers of animal cruelty. The footage released by TMZ was taken out of context, carefully edited and strategically released. In the end credits, the American Humane assures the audience the dog was fine. If you’re going to avoid the film (you should), make sure you do so for the right reason. A Dog’s Purpose is uninspired, convoluted and manipulative. If the theater's floors are sticky, it's from all the artificial sweetener the studio pumped in to try and trick you. (Theatrical version on the big screen, February 8, 2017)

[birbfeeder2artisticboogaloo]

EDIT!!! idk wtf i was on about with the 'walking dead' thing (one of the video games or sth) that included ppl using zombies in like. a dog-fighting ring. i think i made that up?? i was a bit manic when i wrote this, but i'm calm now, sorry if i got ur hopes up 😅

I FUCKING. HATE THIS STUPID FUCKIING FILM

ok ok im sorry it's. it's not quite as bad as all that. i just. GRRRRRRRR.