#but im trying to convince myself to sell my collection cause it's just not the same

[imeminemp3]

i miss eojjeodabonis

[neon-junkie]

Hopefully it's not a bother, but could you write something about the Van Der Linde gang getting magically transported (Magic, Tardis, Marko, Science ) to the modern universe and having the gn! Reader help them adapt to this world? Maybe some of their reactions to new things (indoor bathrooms, new music, tv, memes) Thank you so much, love!

oh god this is a long post, and as always, im convinced i’ve missed one member out... minor drug warning on Johns headcanon, but the rest are tame. hope u enjoy!

Part 2 is here  |  Part 3 is here

Arthur finds your computer and figures out how to turn it on. Your face turns white when you find him on Tumblr, quickly shutting the tab and urging him up off the chair. "Hey! I was reading that! I was... erm, I think I was having sex with myself," he tells you. Yep, he's found the fanfiction. "Do they really mean that? That I got kind eyes and a, uh... fat ass, I think it was?"  You quickly show him the kitchen and run back to delete all your history. John goes rummaging through your cupboards for something to eat, and eventually finds the brownies in the fridge. You find him on the roof, his eyes red and his heads spinning. "Them.. them brownies..." he mutters. "I know, John," you sob back. You know which brownies he ate, and my god, he ate a lot of them. Arthur babysits him, his mind still questioning what he just read on your computer. Dutch finds the beast of a lawnmower you have in your garage, so you show him how to use it. Why not? He's mowing your lawn for free. Well, he did mow your lawn, but you eventually have to send a search party out after him, only to find him a couple of streets away, parked up next to a childs lemonade stand, insisting they should be selling this lemonade for more if they want to make a profit. 

Hosea also goes missing, but you find him during your search party mission. He's walking up the street back to the house with a paper bag in his hands, and he tells you he's managed to con the gas station clerk into giving him some free booze. You're not sure how, but he's done no harm so you let him enjoy his wine in peace. Bill found your anime figure collection, the ones with the big boobs. He asked you what they were, despite seeming rather flustered, but you tried to explain that it's normal and gave him a book to read. You catch him on your computer a few hours later buying himself a waifu body pillow because "I love her, dammit! Just let us be!" He also keeps pressing the squishy boobs on your anime mouse matt, and yes, he's still very flustered. Javier finds the TV in your room that has Netflix on it, so you show him how to use it and he seems happy distracting himself with that. You walk in a few hours later to see that Javier hasn't moved, but Molly is now by his side, also engulfed in the drag show on the screen. Javier has a thick pair of false lashes on that Molly managed to put on him, and the first thing he says to you is "can you believe this? They voted her off! I... I can't believe this." He's shaking his head and looks like he's about to cry. Charles discovers your computer, and you decide he'd be happy just browsing the web. You come back hours later to find 100 tabs open and your computer fan is louder than an airplane. The current tab open is on a 'where's Waldo?' piece. He's very close to the screen, and you decide to show him how to zoom in to help him find Waldo faster. He's very thankful, and not causing any damages so you leave him to it. Lenny also rummages through your kitchen and finds a pizza in the freezer. He asks you what it is, so you put it in the oven for him. He spends the whole 15 minutes sitting in front of the oven, briefly saying hello to Sean as he runs through. Lenny manages to get the pizza out without burning himself, turns the oven off, cuts up the pizza and takes it upstairs to enjoy with Jack. Yes, he also fed Sean a slice. Sean finds the energy drinks in your fridge that you keep for work. They tasted a little funny at first, but after the third one, he's decided he likes them. You catch him opening his fourth, his eyes are wider than the moon. He cries when you take it off him, and spends the rest of the day running around the garden with your dogs, followed by going to each member of the camp and personally annoying them until he crashes out under your dining table. It's a cozy spot for a nap. Kieran uses your computer after Charles comes off it, and discovers youtube. He starts off with simple cat videos and eventually moves on to fails and meme comps. By the time dinner rolls around, nobody can understand him, and you barely understand half the things he's saying. The only thing you do understand is "big mood," which is what Kieran says when he sees Sean asleep under the dining table. Pearson decides to avoid the kitchen and try something new, and you're quick to decide he'd enjoy rock music. You show him a couple of CD's and leave him to have a listen, only to come storming back up the stairs a few minutes later because he's turned the volume up to full blast and is having a rather funky jam session. "Now this, this is real music!!" He's really enjoying the classics. Trelawny is quick to figure out how to use the TV. He's seen "those moving picture shows" before, and he's mesmerized by how far they've come! You catch him up at 5am watching documentaries to help bridge the gap between his time and yours, and when you walk into the lounge, you're met by a very sleep deprived Trelawny. The only thing he says to you, with heavy bags under his eyes, is "terribly sorry to hear about all these wars you've been having, my dear." He finally goes to bed, but only because you make him. Swanson disappears, but there's a church down the road from you so you decide to check there first. He's inside, joining in on the ceremony, singing his heart out to all the hymns with a real bible in his hands, not the fake one he has back at camp. He seems content so you leave him to it. He thankfully returns just in time for dinner, and tells everybody how he's been blessed and that we can "never leave this land!" Strauss also disappears very quickly, and you have to search for him when you go to look for Dutch. He's also at the lemonade stand, trying to explain to Dutch that if the child sells the lemonade for more, then they're less likely to get customers as it's too expensive. The two of them are arguing, and the child seems rather confused. Strauss later has a breakdown at the noise your toilet makes, he informs you that he'll be using your outside bathroom, even if it is just the bushes. Micah says he doesn't need you to show him the ropes and swats you away, so you leave him to it. You've not seen him for a good few hours, so you run around the house trying to find him. You eventually find him in your room, going through your underwear draw. Arthur is quick to knock his lights out, and you leave him tied up in the garage so he can't do any more damage. Micah also pissed all over your toilet seat and didn't flush. Abigail joins Trelawny in the lounge, watching the TV after Jack tells her he's happy playing with the toys in your room. She and Trelawny have an argument over what to watch next, so you give her your laptop to watch TV on, along with a pair of headphones. She refuses to come off a few hours later because she's way too engulfed in the modeling show she's watching. You promise her you'll let her give you a makeover if she comes off, and she finally agrees. Jack discovers your big box of legos and he seems more than content playing with those. He ends up building a fort, with the help of Lenny, and the two fire pillows at you when you try and enter the room. The pillow canons are, of course, made from legos. At least they're not lego pillows! Jack also thanks you for the pizza, describing it as 'yummy.' Sadie finds your katana collection, and you're quick to take them off her and attempt to hide them. She spends some time pretending to be interested in something else, but as soon as you turn your back for a split second, she's found them again and is heading straight for Kieran. The room where you keep your katanas is now locked and Sadie is in time out. Susan comes across your sewing machine and you're happy to show her how it works. She picks it up quickly, and her eyes glisten as she realizes just how fast this thing is. You leave her be since she's not causing any harm, but come back an hour later to find she's made new a new dress for herself, and all the girls in the gang, including Sadie. They're all matching! Tilly finds your piano and tells you she's happy to be left to her own devices, she knows how to play. You eventually have to tell her and Susan to calm down after receiving another noise complaint, as Susan is attempting to sing opera, and Tilly is killing it on the piano. At least she hasn't damaged anything. She later joins Mary-Beth in time to watch Beauty and the Beast, also sobbing at the film. Karen goes into your garage and discovers your old golf clubs. You show her how it works in your garden, but just like everybody else, it goes wrong. Your neighbor knocks on your door, screaming, demanding to know why you keep firing golf balls through their window. That's when you find Karen and Sean (who is still on his energy drink high) having a contest to see who can smash the most. Mary-Beth discovers your kindle, and she seems rather content with being able to read. There's no way this could possibly go wrong? Well, you come back a little later to find that Mary-Beth is sobbing after reading Beauty and the Beast. She wants a sappy romance just like that to happen to her. She cries even harder when she watches the Disney film, along with Trelawny who hasn't moved from the TV for hours. Molly picks up your tablet, and after showing her what youtube is, you leave her to it. You find her a few hours later sat in front of your mirror with the most flawless, full face of makeup. She greets you by going "hey sisters!" and speaks to you like a vsco girl. You have no idea what she's saying, but she seems to be doing fine, so you leave her to it.

[suteshiro]

ALL for crown.

I LOVE YOU

If your character wasn’t an adventurer, what livelihood would they lead?

Wouldn’t you want to know

Who in the party would your character trust the most with their life?

For now I can’t say for sure? From the ones he currently knows it’s hard to tell bc he trusts Love in a Personal Way but is lowkey convinced he’d sell him to Satan for a corn chip. And Gank seems p trustworthy in that regard but they have only briefly met each other

What are your character’s core moral beliefs?

No one gets to control or take away someone else’s autonomy

What relationship does your character have with their parents and siblings?

Parents? Hate ‘em. Siblings? H

Does your character have any biases for or against certain races?

Eeh, I don’t think so

What is your character’s opinion on nobility? On authority?

Take a wild guess ksvjfnskjv 

He doesn’t think someone having authority is inherently bad but he hates every person in authority he’s ever known of so his opinion has been formed based on that

Describe your character’s current appearance: clothes, armor, scars they’ve picked up along the journey, etc.

I’m lazy. You know what she looks like

What location encountered in the campaign has your character felt the most “at home” in, or just generally liked the most?

Campaign hasn’t started yet so I can’t say anything about which locations visited she’s liked! She feels very comfortable at the spot we’re starting at tho

What deity, if any, does your character worship? What’s their opinion on other people’s worship?

Caenrys babey. She’s a bit weirded out by people who dedicate themselves to organized religion but in general she doesn’t stick her nose in others’ religious business

If your character had time to pick up any artisan’s tools, game set, instrument, etc., what would it be?

Artisan’s tools: I think he’d like glassblowing! Woodworking is cool too

Game set: playing cards probably

I don’t think he’s rlly interested in music as something he himself might perform vkjfnfksjn

Learning how to use a poisoner’s kit could be fun

Describe your character’s current relationship with the player character sitting to your right.

I’m not sitting next to anyone so I rolled for it and got Gank (@prophe-seer​‘s character)

Crown likes Gank a lot! They only met like, once but they rlly got along. She feels a bit bad for them bc they seemed to think she was rlly nice and instead of considering she Might genuinely be nice she jumped to “oh shit the bar is fucking underground for this guy” skvjfnksjfvn. So she’s surprisingly attached. She wants them to have an actual friend bc it seems like they need it

What is your character’s current goal, summed up in one sentence?

I’m headed straight for the castle

Does your character ever want to “settle down” with a spouse, children, house, etc.?

Currently, no. She has a lot of dangerous shit to do and is too caught up on being A Free Spirit That Actually Gets To See The World to like,, consider settling down. And she hasn’t given any thought to what life she’ll have after her goals have been fulfilled.

But I’ve actually given some thought to this and I think she wants to make a family one day. Idk if it’ll include children (probably adopting older “problem” children tbh) or a spouse but she definitely wants to settle down with at least one pet

Has your character ever been in love?

H,

What battle in the campaign has been most memorable to your character?

Haven’t played yet!

If your character wasn’t whatever class they are, what would they be instead?

Probably a fighter skjvfnskjfvn or a paladin

What is your character’s favorite season?

Autumn! Lovs the cronch. Loves to get to cool down after summer

What would your character’s Zodiac sign be, following stereotypical astrology?

I actually already made this decision ksjfnkvsjn she’s an Aries. I remember liveblogging my decision making to a friend regarding this but i cant remember what it was and im lazy

Where in the world does your character most want to visit?

Oh you know

What is the biggest mistake your character has ever made?

Oh you know,

Does your character have any noticeable scars? If so, what are their stories?

Probably not!

What animal best represents your character?

Wolf,

If your character could go back in time and change one thing about their life, what would it be?

Oh you know,,,,

Which other player character does your character find themselves having the most in common with?

Not sure yet!

Does your character regret any particular choice the party has made?

idk yet ksvfsjfv

What would your character say their best trait would be?

uuuh i dont think he thinks of himself in positive terms a lot skvnksjfvn

he’d probably name his strength or smth like that

What is your character’s greatest fear? Deep, irrational?

Oh, you know!

What is currently motivating your character to stay with the party?

I don’t know cause we don’t have the plot hook yet

What are your character’s hobbies and interests outside of their class?

he likes collecting small trinkets and going to festivals and thats. about it

What would most people think when they first see your character?

“Oh shit sexy”

What stereotypical group role does your character play in the party? (The Mom, the Mess, the Comic Relief, etc. Optionally: What role would your character play in the “Five Man Band” structure?)

Surprisingly, I think it’s The Mom skjvfnksnvksjnvf he seems to be really going in the “What The Fuck. Are You Okay. I Must Protect You”

But also he’s absolutely the mess

 In a five man band he’s the leader, lancer and big guy all at once. Probably the lancer tho

What is your character the most insecure about?

He’s completely unable to see himself as a kind person worthy of tenderness

What person does your character admire most?

Gaylia!!! He thinks she’s so strong and cool

What does your character admire and dislike the most about the player character sitting to your left?

Going for Love since I talked about Gank already. He bedrudgingly admires how cunning and People Smart Love can be. Absolutely hates how much of a Bastard he is and how hot he is

Why is your character’s lowest stat their lowest (the in-character reason, not “because there’s no reason for a wizard to have 16 strength, duh”)?

Both int and wis are at a -2!

Wisdom: he wasn’t uh. raised in a way where he rlly got to learn the ways of people’s minds, or do anything but repress his own feelings. and once he was out on his own he was so focused on being a reckless fool he never even tried to change that

Intelligence: He has big adhd and always had a hard time learning. Instead of being supported he was yelled at and punished for stupidity. He retaliated by refusing to keep trying. So now he’s dumb 

What would be your character’s theme song/favorite band/favorite genre of music?

I have an entire playlist for him please look at it I worked so hard on it-

I think most  relevant are Castle by Halsey and Emperor’s new clothes by p!atd. I think he would also associate those songs with himself and really like them. Royals by Lorde is also up there for sure. And Rise from League of Legends

What stereotypical role would your character play in a high school AU/if they attended a normal high school? (Nerd, jock, bully, goth, etc.)

Goth jock.

What treasure/item/artifact that your character has collected during the adventure is the most important to them?

Not particularly precious to him and not in the adventure since we haven’t played yet but he has Love’s broken antler skvjfnksjfv

Is there any particular weapon, item, etc. that your character longs to find?

Oh you know

Where does your character feel the most at home?

Gaylia’s place probably,

Does your character care about how they’re perceived by others? How do they change themselves to fit in with other people?

She’s built her entire identity around refusing to give a fuck, however in truth she probably actively tries to be seen as rebellious and maybe intimidating

What does your character think is the true meaning of life?

Bold of you to imply she thinks that much

What is your character’s scent? (Bonus points for a description that sounds like it could be from a bad [or awesome] fanfic.)

Roses, lilies and musk ( have no clue if those go well together)

Does your character think more with their heart or their brain?

Heart, absolutely

What is your character’s most recent or frequent nightmare?

haha,,,, ha,,,,,,, h

What opinion does your character have on [CERTAIN ESTABLISHED GROUPS/AUTHORITIES IN THE GAME WORLD]? (Dragonmarked Houses, royal crown, etc.)

Wouldn’t you like to know

How did your character spend their childhood? Where did they grow up/who were their childhood friends?

What aspect of your character’s future are they most curious about? (If they could know one thing about the future, what would it be?)

I will keep that to myself!

What colors are associated with your character?

Who in the party would your character prioritize rescuing, in dire circumstances?

Love,,

Is your character the most swayed by ethos, pathos, or logos?

Pathos

If your character was granted a single use of Wish, what would they use it for?

I will keep that to myself!

What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells: what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?

She has spells and enjoys using them (probably mostly eldritch blast) but nothing beats her good trusty zweihander

How does your character feel about keeping secrets from the rest of the party?

She has no qualms with it ksvjfnskfjv

What type of creature in the world is your character the most intrigued by?

Love I dunno, snakes? Snakes are weird

When they were a child, what did your character want to be, or think they were going to be, when they grew up?

I don’t think Crown thought she was gonna make it to her 20s

The player character to your left admits that they’re passionately in love with your character. How would your character respond?

I rolled and got Gank skfvnksjvfn

I think he’d be flustered and flattered and be like “oh! we can. certainly try dating! but I can’t say I return your feelings right now. uh. sorry,,,”

If somebody (an NPC, someone from their backstory, etc.) your character trusts/loves asked your character to do something against the party’s best interest, who would they side with?

Ah,,,

That’s a very complicated question that depends on many factors I’m afraid 

Does your character value their own best interest more than the party’s?

He wants to think he does, at least skvjnskvjf

What decision would the party have to make in order for your character to consider splitting off from the group?

Who knows!

How does your character imagine the way they will die?

Doing something stupid, completely alone

What is your character’s greatest achievement?

Making it to 25 honestly svkjnksfjnv

Is your character willing to risk the well-being of others in order to achieve their goal?

Depends on who those others are

What is your character’s opinion on killing others?

Sure why not let’s do it man

What is your character’s favorite food? Beverage?

Pizza and orange juice?

How generous is your character? Especially to those they don’t know?

Surprisingly generous! Maybe not so much with money but she’s always willing to lend a helping hand

What is your character the most envious about, regarding anyone in the party?

I don’t understand this question svknskjfv

The player character to your left and the player character to your right are both telling your character two different versions of the truth. Who does your character believe?

Again I keep choosing between Gank and Love bc they’re the only ones she knows kjfvnskjfvn I mean. it depends. if it’s on something Important I think she’ll side with Love but in general she’s more likely to believe Gank 

What is your character’s sexuality/relationship with sex?

Big bisexual, first of all!

She actually has a complicated relationship with sex! Being in any kind of Intimate Situation used to be very triggering for her. But she worked through it and now she’s. Horny

What is your character’s biggest pet peeve?

When people leave without paying their part.

Describe how your character feels about the party’s current situation/objective/etc.

Shit man I dunno we have no plan

Who in the party would your character trust the most to keep an important secret?

Love is the only one she’s known long enough to build any meaningful trust with svknskfv

If your character knew that they were going to die in a month, how would they spend the rest of their life?

Probably with his only genuine friend, trying to live life to the fullest kvjfnskfv,

What makes your character feel safe?

Being fully aware of his surroundings with easy access to his sword

If your character had the chance to rename the party/give the party a name, no questions asked, what would it be?

No party yet!

What memory does your character want to forget the most?

H,

If your character had to multiclass into a class they currently aren’t the next time they level up, what would it be and what reason would they have for doing so?

Fukinuh. Paladin? He rlly likes Caenrys and is like “fuck it let’s do another combat charisma-based thing”

What television/book/video game/etc. character would your character be best friends with? (Or: what media character is your character the most influenced by/similar to?

He was heavily influenced by a webcomic character but i will keep Who a secret just in case it makes people figure stuff out skvnskvn

What unusual talents does your character possess?

Really good at doing things without looking, apparently skfjvnsfv

How does your character feel about receiving/giving orders? Are they more of a leader, or a follower?

Giving orders is. Kinda hot

Receiving orders? Die

What does your character’s name represent to them? (Or: why as a player did you choose your character’s name?)

Among other things, Crown’s name represents her proclaiming herself as someone with full authority, if anything, over herself. She’s claiming at every moment a position of power and I think that’s very sexy of her

Is your character more of an introvert, or an extrovert?

Ambivert, probably! Loves people but may get overwhelmed being around them too much

How far is your character willing to go to pursue the “greater good”? Do they believe in a greater good at all?

In theory she doesn’t believe in the greater good but she lies to herself so who knows what she’d do when push comes to shove skjvfnksjfv

What does your character want to be remembered by?

It’s complicated and I’m too lazy to explain it, especially without spoiling anything

What would be your character’s major in college?

He’d shrivel and die in an academic setting pal

Does your character consider themselves a hero, villain, or something else?

It’s complicated,,

Let’s say hero and keep it there

What major arcana tarot card best represents your character?

I’m between The Fool and The Magician. Strength is also fun

Where does your character see themselves in 20 years?

Oh, you know!

What is your character’s relationship with magic? Are they scared of it, wish to know more about it, indifferent to it?

Magic is,,, kinda hot!

Who is your character’s biggest rival?

Love ksjvfnksjfvkjsfv

What is your character’s guiltiest pleasure?

Bold of you to imply he feels guilt over anything pleasurable

What does your character hope for the afterlife?

He doesn’t think about that

Who in the party does your character trust the least?

Just as he trusts Love the most he also trusts him the least. Shady bastard

What is your character’s biggest flaw?

-2 wisdom

How did your character learn the languages that they speak?

Uh. Growing up and being raised?

What is your character’s favorite school of magic/type of weaponry?

GREATSWORD AND EVOCATION BABY

What is most important to your character: health, wealth, or happiness?

Happiness

What advice would your character give to a younger version of themselves?

“There’s power in your anger. Take action before it gets worse”

Are there any social or political issues your character feels strongly about?

It’s hard to explain bc I don’t know Politics Words

What, currently, is your character the most curious about?

;)

[jpy693en-blog]

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I’m 33 and Just Bought My First Vibrator

http://fashion-trendin.com/im-33-and-just-bought-my-first-vibrator/

I’m 33 and Just Bought My First Vibrator

At 33 years old, I have run a marathon, snorkeled in the clear blue waters of the Phi Phi Islands, moved across the country twice, and have never owned a vibrator. I was raised in a Southern Baptist household where the only word on sex was, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Throughout my adolescent years, I tried my hardest to keep this commandment in its most technical sense. I rounded all the bases except the big one. But after a significant breakup toward the end of college, I decided to just have sex already. In the nascent stage of separating my faith from my religion, I decided God couldn’t be that enamored with my ability to abstain from sex. And guess what? Despite all my bible study teachers over the years warning that committing adultery would cause awful things to happen, nothing came to pass. Sex was… fine.

My soul wasn’t taken out of my body like when Ursula took Ariel’s voice in The Little Mermaid. I didn’t pine after the guy I lost my virginity to, nor have I pined over the other guys I’ve had sex with since.

Yet even though I had decided my religion’s demonization of sex was not for me, the idea that pursuing sexual pleasure was somehow sinful stuck with me. And I can see now, with the benefit of hindsight, that my self-inflicted penance for committing premarital sex was not pursuing orgasms of my own, and instead simply thanking God for the ones that came without trying. For years.

By the time I hit my 30s, though, I learned life has a way of forcing people out of their own prisons. For me, that came in the form of a marital separation. It felt like a cruel joke from the universe to go from years of reliable, meaningful, safe sex to absolutely no sex at all. I tried perusing my options on Tinder for a couple weeks, but for some inexplicable reason found the app-driven optimization and curation of sexual possibilities to be overwhelming and off-putting. Something had to give, though, and when I started eyeing a stuffed animal in my room, I knew I needed to get serious about pleasing myself — the adult way.

I’d considered getting a vibrator over the years, but it seemed like something that was for ladies. Ladies who drank a classy glass of wine after a day in the corner office. Ladies whose lives were so together, they successfully executed an annual tropical beach vacation in the wintertime. Ladies who kept their pretty vibrators tucked away in a perfectly organized chest of drawers and, perhaps most importantly, experienced zero guilt when it came to pursuing their pleasure.

Then one day, while lugging my groceries up four flights of stairs, a thought occurred to me: If I can support myself living in New York and eschew ordering takeout every night, then I can also confront my own irrational guilt by learning to pleasure myself beyond the limitations of my fingers. Maybe I, too, am a lady — one interested in knowing my own body as opposed to waiting for a partner to solve my vaginal Rubik’s cube. So at 33, I decided to acquire my first vibrator.

Tucked under my covers with All Things Considered streaming from my iPad, I poured over online reviews on indie sex toy websites. When the number of options began to make me dizzy, I jokingly searched “vibrator” on Amazon, convinced that the same place I order protein powder and neon Sharpies wouldn’t also sell sex toys. Of course, I audibly gasped when I saw that even Jeff Bezos was invested in my pleasure. Still, I was at a loss, and as All Things Considered wrapped up and The Moth began, it occured to me that even if I bought a vibrator, I might not know what to do with it. After a cursory glance at YouTube’s quite disturbing “how to use a vibrator” search results, I abandoned my hunt and resolved to figure it all out later.

A few days later, while awaiting a call about a job I’d interviewed for, I decided there was no time like the present. Rather than throw myself back into the decision paralysis of online vibrator shopping, I decided to do it the old fashioned way and go to a local sex toy shop. I put on nondescript yoga pants and thanked God for the rainy weather that called for an identity-concealing jacket. Not exactly the picture of female empowerment, I thought to myself as I pulled my drawstring hood taught to cover most of my face, but it will have to do.

As I approached the sex toy store, my heart began racing and thoughts of fake alternative errands or maybe giving my fingers another try pinballed off the panicked edges of my mind. When I got to the door, I physically hurled myself into the store before I could second-guess the decision and was immediately taken aback by its calming interior. A group of young women were giggling at some of the sex prop contraptions on the wall. An older couple was quietly perusing sex toys as if in a museum learning about Byzantine architecture. I did a lap around the entire store by myself, trying not to let my facial expressions give away my delighted surprise at all the naughty objects lining the walls, hanging from racks and resting in velvety showcase boxes.

When I finally asked the saleswoman for help, she took her job as seriously as the straight part down the center of her head and was completely uninterested in my self-deprecating humor. “Most first-timers go for vibrators like this,” she said with an eyeroll, holding up a sparkly confetti stick that had to be two feet long. It was the exact vibrator that had caught my eye earlier because all sparkly confetti things catch my eye, but the saleswoman said that it was made with a porous material and had limited functionality. I told her about my budget and my quest to learn more about my body, and she directed me to a wall with much less sparkly offerings. “So this is a dual action vibrator,” she said, holding up a neon green instrument that looked like a futuristic cooking utensil. She pressed one of the buttons and it started waving at me. I jumped and laughed; the saleswoman was unmoved.

“Just to be clear, it’s going to do that … inside of me?” I asked.

“Yes. This will be your best bet for G-spot stimulation.”

Having grown up thinking the G-spot was an urban legend, I instantly saw how my Texas sex education had failed me. The saleswoman pressed another button and it started waving and vibrating. She pressed another button and the waving increased while the vibrating decreased. Another button press and, hilariously, it seemed like the sex toy had caught the holy ghost.

Eventually I chose my vibrator — one of the futuristic cooking utensils, but in pink — and followed the saleswoman to the cash register. “Do you have lube? As a first timer, you definitely want to use lube,” she said as she rang me up. In an effort to hold onto whatever shards of dignity I had left, I quipped: “Of course I have lube.” I did not have lube.

When I got home, I opened the vibrator with the precision of an archeologist removing soil from a precious fossil. After putting the vibrator ever so carefully aside, I cleaned up my room, deciding I wanted proper first vibrator experience, which apparently involved an uncluttered room. I decided against vibrator background music, not wanting to ruin a good song in the event things didn’t go well. After double-checking to make sure my roommate wasn’t home and that her judgmental dog was tucked away in her room, I gave it a go.

As I fidgeted with the settings like a fumbling flautist, I kept thinking, Am I doing it right? Am I doing it right? Until, well, I didn’t have to ask. After the fact, just like when I had sex for the first time, I wondered why I hadn’t done it sooner.

When I was done, I set it aside with a fraction of the care I’d used before and opened my Moleskine agenda to get on with life. As with my foray into sex, my first vibrator experience was perfectly fine. My life did not suddenly change in some fundamental way after using it, and considering that I still think of showers as a daily inconvenience, I’m still decidedly not a “lady” … by society’s standards, at least.

Instead, my newfound exploration has allowed me to define what it means to be a woman who knows what she needs on her own terms. In a relatively short amount of time, I’ve transitioned from fumbling flautist to competent cellist. It’s refreshing to spend time with myself, to laugh at the maneuvers that are a definite NO, to identify the positions that make me yell out a Herbal Essence-inspired YES! YES! YES! Now I know what I need to please myself — and I’ll know how to articulate those needs to another person when the time is right, guilt-free.

Jennifer Epperson is a proud Texan living in New York. She has written for Lenny Letter, Estia Collective, and Blavity and writes sketch comedy for Magnet Theater. You can follow her on Twitter @comeonjennfoo.

Photos by Madeline Montoya.

[briefbouquetcreatorlove-blog]

Is life insurance worth having so young?

"Is life insurance worth having so young?

I'm almost 21 years old, junior in college, and have new car (owe ~$23,000 with my mother as a co-signer), but no other debts. I started a $50,000 life insurance plan with my insurance company( State Farm) and pay about $17/month. Is it truly worth getting a plan this young or should i just put that money in to a pre existing savings account?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Looking for a CAR with in $ 500, Car Insurance & Medical Insurance for 1 Male of 31 years, 1 Female of 26 years & a Child of 2 years. Should cover Medical. Vision & Dental not reqired. Looking for real dirt cheap insurance for Car, Family""

Why are insurance companies such bastards?

I could never figure out why people screw their insurance companies when they can. Well now I know. They are a bunch of ethic-less, principle-less bastards. So go for it, screw them when you can for all you can. You can be assured they will do it to you first wether you are honest or not.""

Insurance........................

I want to get self insurance. wich insurance is cheap and good?

Im 16 in ireland looking to buy a scooter or waiting 6 months to get a car.?

hey im planning on waiting to get a car but would it b worth it to buy a scooter now. how much would insurance be on the scooter? and ireland with the rain...

Help!! price of insurance?

i would like to know how certain factors determine the price of insurance. 1) how does costs affect the price of insurance 2) how does amount of claims affect the price of insurance 3) how does risk levels affect the price of insurance 4) how does predictability of risk affect the price of insurance 5) how does return from investments affect the price of insurance 6) how does level of interest rates affect the price of insurance 7) how does profit margin affect the price of insurance 8) how does competition affect the price of insurance 9) how does goverment regulation affect the price of insurance

How does the new 1-50 insurance group rating work?

Ive read that most cars insurance group will more or less double But what I want to know is if 2 cars are group 5 under the old rating and one goes up to 11 and the other only to 7 does that mean the 7 will cost less to insure than the original or will 7 be about the same and 11 be more? sorry if this didnt make sense. 10 points to anybody who can answer?

What is the best dental insurance company to get for a low income individual?

I'm getting by on a min wage, part time job....However, we really need dental care. Does anybody know of a good company to look into?""

Got a speeding ticket in friends newly bought car and he didnt have proof of insurance?

so my friend recently bought a car from someone and i drove it and got a speeding ticket in it. do i have to show HIS insurance for the car or that I am insured? and if i do have to show his, then how do i get proof the insurance on the car was being transfered over to his? he already had insurance on his other cars that are his parents.""

Costs purchase health insurance?

i am about to get married, and right now i am on my mothers health insurance because i am in college. however, when i get married this coverage will end. i am used to having health coverage and my fiance told me to look into how much it will cost to purchase it for just me. there are no numbers anywhere just forms to fill out contact information, which i did, still no contact. anyone pay for their own insurance? how much does it cost you?""

How long will my car insurance company take to pay out and how much will I get?

On Saturday my car caught fire while I was driving it (apparently the fuel line came out). It's a Peugeot 206 1999 and has done 87,000 miles. It wasn't in bad condition either. It's blatently a write-off, the engine looks like one big bit of plastic. My question basically is 1) how long do insurance companies usually take to pay out on this kind of thing, and 2) what will I get? I've looked on parkers and stuff, but you have to pay to find out... so I thought I'd see if any of you lovely people know first! :)""

Insurance quote for first car?

Hey guys I've been saving up for a while and have come to a conclusion of what i want for my first car 2006 Porsche cayman s iam16 at the moment and am making just a smudge under $900 a month and from my calculations i should have enough money by the time I am 20-21 so i was wondering how much my insurance would cost. I have my g1 and am getting my g2 in November and will be a occasional driver and would be driving my brothers car an Acura rl and would be getting a cayman as soon as i have enough money. My family is insured by TD and BMO so a quote from them would be preferred but if i can get a quote from another place that is cheaper but still provides full coverage it would be nice plus i will be going to uni and working so it will be daily driven and garage parked 50% of the time (other fifty will be my brothers/dads/moms car) and will NOT be winter driven I live in Brampton On thanks

Is life insurance worth having so young?

I'm almost 21 years old, junior in college, and have new car (owe ~$23,000 with my mother as a co-signer), but no other debts. I started a $50,000 life insurance plan with my insurance company( State Farm) and pay about $17/month. Is it truly worth getting a plan this young or should i just put that money in to a pre existing savings account?

""Conservatives, you're always claiming that Obama-care is the reason that insurance costs are increasing, so?""

regarding the 80% increase in insurance premiums, and the 11% increase in the number of Americans who did not have health insurance coverage during the Bush presidency, was that because a magical elf traveled back in time to the year 2000 to tell insurance company executives that Obamacare was coming? Or could it be that insurance premiums have been increasing at an average rate of 8 to 11% per year for about the last 15 years and the increases we've seen in the last few years aren't indicative of costs associated with Obama-care (Which hasn't even been fully implemented yet) and Conservatives are just trying to make political hay out of cost increases that are consistent with established trends?""

What is the best motorcycle insurance for military personnel?

i am joining the military and i was wondering what insurance company offers the best rates for motorcycle insurance for a 19 year old male?

Insurance for renting a home?

I'm renting a home from a friend, and she says that she has to cancel her home insurance. Is there rental insurance, or any more suggestions.""

Is a Land Drover FreeLander 2 cheap to insure?

Both of my parent's drive 2011 Range Rovers so they have experience with the Land Rover brand- and they said that as I'm living at home.. my dad could be the policy holder and I could be a named driver. I may be buying a 2010 model when I'm 18, I'm 16 currently as people have told me that it's not really worth buying a brand new one. Just so the car is old and isn't new. I'm not in to small cars..""

""1993 Integra 2dr LS, automatic High Insurance COST?""

Hi, So i am debating with my family whether or not if the 1993 Integra 2 dr AUTO is considered a sport car? Usually, most sport card has HIGH INSURANCE. Our Insurance company is Wawanesa, and i can NOT get a hold of them at the moment. MY QUESTION IS; is a 93 integra 2dr insurance cost HIGHER than a 95 integra 4dr? or are they about the same cost?""

Is there any site you can go to and find how much car insurance will be?

i am trying to get a 1997 chevy caviler the insurance will be in my name the car i have right now its in my stepdads name i need to find out about how much ill be payin car insurance so i know if i can afford the car or not

""I'm sure 5,000 for health insurance will help.. right?

John Mccain thinks we are idiots lol

Does anybody know of a company that will insure me daily on hire and reward insurance?

I want to run a one vehicle WAV (wheel chair accessible vehicle for disabled people) car hire/rental business serving Hertfordshire the customer would hire the car and arrange for a person to drive it for them. On the odd occasion the hirer does not have anybody to drive the car for them they might want me to drive for them I have been told to do this I would need a private vehicle hire licence (mini cab drivers licence) also hire and reward insurance along with a mini cab office operators licence and the vehicle would need to be plated (tested) This is not a problem except for the hire and reward insurance which would be about 3000 per year and would not be cost effective for the amount of driving I would be doing (I would probably only be driving a customer 1 day per week). Does anybody know of a company that will insure me daily on hire and reward insurance?

How much would car insurance be?

When I turn 25 and my driving record is clean no speeding tickets how much do you thing car insurance would be on a 2010 camaro and I want to know car insurance on a 2005 corvette orba challenger what one would be cheaper

Car accident/Insurance?

What does it mean when a car insurance company calls you and says they take full responsibility from a car accident? I was sitting front passenger when a car rear ended us from the back when we were coming from seeing my doctor after a surgery i had on my back when all this happend

Cheap auto insurance in mississauga area?

Hi, I am a 22 Year old, female, G2 driver. I was wondering if anyone knows of a good insurance company with cheap rates for a new driver for either a 2000 2DR Sunfire or 2002 Mazda Protege. The rates i've been coming across seem pretty high for a full time student. Also, I have no previous insurance history or any accidents. Thanks!!!""

Is there a cheap insurance company for teen driver?

My mom cant drive... so she doesnt know much about insurance. Im about to get my license and I was wondering if there's a type of insurance that is cheap and not too pricey... specially with a mom who doesn't have a high paying job?!?! I live in Texas if that helps

What is the best car in group 16 insurance?

I have been offered a company car at work and can go up to group 16 insurance. I do a lot of miles but would like a sporty responsive feel. Thinking about a Cooper S or dare I say it one of the pokey diesels..! Any suggestions.....?

Motorcycle insurance on a 17 year old.?

i'm 17 years old and planning on gettin a sportbike. i was wonderin how much full coverage cost for a suzuki gsr 600.

Why Is my car insurance so expensive?

I'm just trying to find a good quote for the renewal of my car insurance, due in November 10. The cheapest I can get for a THIRD PARTY FIRE & THEFT only is 800!!!! for the following circumstances: Driver: male 32 yo, EU national living in the UK since 2003.Home owner. No convictions or anything like that. Full UK licence that I got converted in 2005, though I had held a full EU licence for 9 years before that. In full employment. The car: 1998 R reg For Fiesta LX 1.8 Diesel. 3 doors hatchback. Kept in a secure (bollards) street at home during the night and in the company's hyper secure car park during the day. Miles per year: up to 9000. With factory fitted immobiliser plus a anti theft wheel lock. The postcode is not the best, but it can't be the reason for it being so expensive, because my neighbours pay something ridiculous, like 30 or 40 per month for a fully comp policy, and also, because it's not a fully comp policy that I'm after and the car is so cheap (600) that it wouldn't make sense. I'm even ready to go for a third party only, but it turns out even more expensive in the searches... I've even tried with other cars with smaller engines thinking that maybe replacing the car would help... I'm really confused, and that famous website is not helping at all. Hopefully somebody can shed some light on where the problem is. It'd be so very much appreciated...""

What would the insurance quote be for a 2011 Honda Civic 4-door Sedan?

Im doing a car project for school and we need to price cars and get insurance quotes and I am having trouble finding an insurance quote becasue mst of the websites want to mail the quote to your house which i dont have time to wait 4 cuz the project is due thrusday, or thye assume ur buying the car. So can anyone tell me what a reasonably quote wud b for this particular car or waht websites i can use that wud give me free, instant quotes. Thanks By the way for the project we only have to estimate insurance for the first year and im 18yrs old so what wud the quote be based on this as well.""

What is the annual premium for a house?

Cud u help me on my maths homework What is the aunnual premium for a house valued at 65000, if the insurance is 3 per 1000 of house value? Thanks""

Getting pregnant & getting Insurance?

I was hoping to start trying to get pregnant within the next 3-6 months. I am a little discouraged after searching on line and finding many people saying most insurances have a waiting period anywhere from 6 months to 2 years!! Before they will cover maternity. Is this true? So I guess I should seek insurance coverage like yesterday if I plan on getting pregnant anytime soon, huh? I do DEF want to use a midwife. Maybe I should just pay out of pocket & spare myself the hassle of insurance. DID YOU USE A MIDWIFE W/ or W/OUT INS??""

Do I need to declare an accident I had on my wife's car insurance when I renew my motorbike insurance policy?

I am a named driver on my wife's car insurance policy and last year I was involved in an accident (in the car) which went through the insurance as my fault. I have my own insurance policy for a motorbike which is now due for renewal. Do I need to declare the car crash? Will I still be legally insured on my bike if I don't mention it? (ie Will the insurance company still be obliged to pay out if I have an accident on my bike?) I'm in the UK. Thanks in advance for taking the time to answer.

Can you pay car insurance with a credit card?

in a few months I'm going to be moving, but due to certain circumstances, I won't have enough during the time period for Car insurance, So I was wondering if I could charge it to my credit card. I'd like to know from someone that knows for sure, rather than a guess. -Thanks""

Teen driver car insurance?

i'm 18 years old, got my license officially in march. I can't really drive my parents car around because im not on their insurance plan (and they worry) what is the cheapest car insurance plan i could get possibly to be insured with my parents? not sure what they have i think its state farm. does insurance depends on the car? if it matters my dad has a 1997 mini van,plymouth. and my mom has a 2005 jeep cherokee. about how much would it cost to be insured in one of their cars?""

Are there any insurance companies that will cover pregnancy in texas?

I am 7w4d pregnant and without health insurance. I have been getting check-ups at a local clinic but I really need to find a doctor. I have not found an insurance policy that will cover maternity costs though. I've heard Medicaid has strict eligibility and is almost impossible to get if the dad is present in the baby's life,which in my situation he will be. Does anyone know of ANY insurance policies that will cover pregnancy?""

Insurance regulations?

does the commissioner of insurance have the authority to govern foreign producers/ foreign companies. these are business entities that sell insurance in there state but there home office is in another?

How much would insurance be for a 17 year old new driver?

The car would be a Range Rover. The cover would either be comprehensive or on parents insurance. Thanks

What insurance i need for boutique?

insurance for boutique

Is life insurance worth having so young?

I'm almost 21 years old, junior in college, and have new car (owe ~$23,000 with my mother as a co-signer), but no other debts. I started a $50,000 life insurance plan with my insurance company( State Farm) and pay about $17/month. Is it truly worth getting a plan this young or should i just put that money in to a pre existing savings account?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/future-car-insurance-young-drivers-get-cheaper-tommy-espinosa"