#but im so anxious about it i only share it to one singular person at this point

[salezmanradioz]

I'm so unwell about Johnny / Juniper and his interactions with others (like Phoenix Polyblank, The Handler, Niles, Nora etc etc) it's just hard to formulate it into words. I can vividly imagine scenarios in my head but when it comes to writing it down it just sounds like I'm going to go on a lengthy paragraph essay.

-

Also I tend to do a tremendous amount of song rambles as I call it. If a song heavily fits a character, I go into great descriptive details about it and it's association with said character. Hmmm

[handicappedbuenchico]

Name: Caitlin-Ashley

Pronouns: She/Her

Preference of communication: Tumblr IM's. Those are 10x more reliable in terms of me seeing them, in comparison to Discord, for some reason.

Most active muse: Spencer.

Experience / how many years: I've been roleplaying for about 8 years now! It's been an on-and-off thing really.

Platforms you use: I use both Tumblr and Discord!  

Best experience: Meeting @petpsycho for the very first time, roleplaying John and Carlos's first interaction based off of a meme I sent in, and having Carlos and John fuck at damn near 100 notes in. Truly the best experience because it was not only one of my first, but Mina has been an amazing person to talk to and write with.

Rp pet peeves:

Those group/town/app/appless Discord rp types, that don't even do it on Tumblr from what I can tell, spamming their promo so much in the rp tags to the point where they drown out literally anyone else's. I'm not looking to join a fucking off-platform group to rp in a generic town, I'm looking for singular people to write with ON TUMBLR. STOP SPAMMING YOUR SHIT FOR FUCK'S SAKE! That's what bumping on Disboard is for.

Personal blogs that aren't connected to roleplay ones in any way spam liking my roleplay related shit. Like, I can understand if it's like a meta or a headcanon, but personals (that aren't connected to a roleplay blog) liking my starter calls and my promos are a completely different story. PLEASE DON'T FUCKING DO THAT IF YOU ARE NOT A ROLEPLAYER IN ANY CAPACITY. That goes for reblogging too honestly, like don't reblog my roleplaying material/threads either if you aren't actively involved with it/didn't get my permission to do so.

Formatting that is hard to read. Now, I'm not talking about colored text or small text or anything like that. I'm talking about the formatting that looks like either a pure wall of text, or there are so many paragraph breaks that I have to physically drag a reply into Google Docs to "fix it" for my brain. Full disclosure, I am autistic (an Aspie to be specific), and sometimes my brain has trouble with reading comprehension on normal formatted text. Now imagine my brain when trying to read something with either NO paragraph breaks, OR paragraph breaks after every single sentence. It's not fun, and it makes me want to write with you less and less.

I apologize in advance if anyone feels called out by these, as I'm sure you didn't want to hear this from me in this manner. I am polite and nice to a fault, and I fear judgement/being reprimanded due to my own RL trauma, so I was too anxious to tell you personally.

Fluff, angst, or smut: I would like some Fluff with a side of Smut, you can also put a dash of angst on that if it will enhance the thread's flavor.

Plots or memes: Oh I am mostly a meme person, but if I find/think of a plot that our muses can do, you best believe I'm coming into your DM's and tell you about it.

Long or short replies: Depends on my muse, the time that I have at any given moment, my need to stim, and sometimes the thread itself. On a day where I have a lot of muse and a full day to myself, I can do longer replies, like a couple of long paragraphs. On days where I have little muse and or not a lot of time to spare, I tend to write smaller replies.

Best time to write: If I said any other time of day than between 8 PM - 12 AM I would be lying to you all. Writing at night right before you crash just hits different.

Are you like your muses: Y E S.

Carlos has my fear of punishment/being judged. Along with that, he and I sharing being a people-pleaser/peacemaker type of person, due to having it forced upon us by the adults around us that should fucking know how to act right. We both also grew up poor due to circumstances we couldn't control.

Now, Spencer, you wouldn't think I'd share any similarities with, but you would be very wrong. Spencer and I share a sensitivity to touch, but we both also like to touch anything/anyone we see (not in a creepy/perverted way, I'm talking like hugs and shoulder pats or something like that.) We're both also gay as fuck, and we're neuro-divergent (I'm autistic with an anxiety disorder and he has ADHD with Generalized Anxiety Disorder). We both also got daddy issues, so uh, there's that too.

Ted Lockwood is just my experiences as an autistic person incarnate LMFAO. Bro like, we're both nice to everyone, including people who probably don't deserve it. He and I both are socially awkward sometimes, and we can't read a room sometimes to save our damn lives (literally in Ted's case). We both have our own little special interests, his is engineering and space and mine is art and writing.

Crybaby as a character was someone I could relate to on an emotional level. I was saying for many years that my dysfunctional family almost fit Dollhouse to A FUCKING TEE! I also related the song Crybaby because I too was a very emotional little girl who got made fun and taken advantage of for it. I related to all of Crybaby's failed attempts at love in songs such as Carousel, Soap, and Training Wheels. Out of all my muses, Crybaby is the most like me because I already related to her long before I would even take her up as a muse.

Tagged by: @kurtzbergsiblings

Tagging: @bctclgevse @betterto-die-thanto-crawl @bamsidsuperbitch @scribedhorror @depictedblue @depictedmorada and anyone else who wants to!

[thetomorrowshow]

Slower Than Words Ch. 23

First  -  Previous  -  Next

Hey..... a member of my household just tested positive for Covid-19, and I am displaying symptoms sooooooo hopefully that won’t affect posting but it has made this chapter a little shorter than I had wanted. Basically if the next chapter isn’t out on time that’s why.

cw: b a d parenting, references to trauma

~

Remus chewed on the end of his pen. Riley, Alberts, Robertson, Robinson, Richards, Allison, Reese, Arlowe . . . something that started with an 'A' or an 'R'. But what? Why couldn't he remember his own last name?

Logan was always saying something about brainwashing and trauma, but Logan knew his own last name! Stupid Logan Sanders and his calm explanations for everything in Remus's life. He didn't want someone telling him how he felt or why, he wanted to move on. He wanted to figure himself out for himself. He wanted out.

The trip to the library a couple weeks ago had been even worse than expected. Logan hadn't even let go of Patton, despite how uncomfy the kid looked. It had to suck to be twenty-something and have your dad drag you around by the shoulders everywhere you go.

Patton had only wanted one book, for some reason. There were so many books in that building, and Logan had pulled like a hundred from the shelves just to show him. He'd signed so quickly about the book that Remus couldn't keep up, but Logan had frowned and talked to the librarian for a few minutes, before eventually presenting Patton with a book—which was probably the one he'd been asking for. His face looked weird after receiving it, happy, but also seriously depressed. It looked pretty old, Remus had no idea why he'd wanted that book.

Rivers, Albright, Abbott, Ramsey, Russell, Reed, Rowell, Austen. . . . Nothing. Not even a smidge of anything. Well, if he couldn't remember his last name, what about the name of where he used to live?

The city came to him almost instantly.

Sharon.

Remus snorted. That was a stupid name for a city. Actually, he could remember joking about it with his brother, about how their mom shared it.

Energy flooded to his limbs with a suddenness, and when the bell rang from the door opening beside him he literally fell out of his seat.

“W-welcome to Chevron,” he said, straightening up. The customer nodded barely at him, making a beeline for the refrigerators in the back. Remus quickly wrote on the scrap of paper he'd been doodling circles onto so far: 'sharon – town and ma'.

Now he just had to figure out which state sounded the most familiar, and if Sharon was a city there. He'd spent days just driving around town with friends, he probably still knew his way around.

The customer paid for a few jugs of Gatorade, then left, dust puffing up behind his truck as he pulled out of the parking lot. Remus sat back down, scratching his mustache with his pen. He could google the city when he got home, then. . . .

Then he'd figure out how to tell Patton and Logan he was leaving.

-

Patton sighed, flipping through the first half of the book again. Summer, it was called. This copy looked almost identical to the other one. He closed his eyes and ran his fingers along the slightly indented title, like Virgil would. He'd had it for almost two months now, asking Father to renew the book instead of allowing it to be returned. He really wanted to finish it, after all.

Not that he could ever get himself to read past around the middle.

Patton's notebook was almost full now, but he couldn't ask Remus for another. Not after how much Remus was already doing for him. The pages were filled with studying mouth movements, bad jokes, and journal entries that mostly were about Virgil and what they'd do when they were together again. In tiny, cramped handwriting was a detailed recollection of everything Patton could remember that Virgil told him about where he lived—which wasn't much. It was hard to hold on to any memories from there. His therapist said it had to do with trauma memories being stored incorrectly, and said he might have flashbacks about it. So far, none had happened, but sometimes he wished one would—just so he could see Virgil again.

He wasn't good at drawing, but here and there in his notebook were vague sketches of Virgil. Some days, Patton woke up not sure what he looked like. He couldn't forget him. Patton would never forgive himself if he forgot the lovely mistiness of Virgil's eyes, the way his hair fell into his mouth and made him sputter, the stark paleness of his face against his black hoodie. . . .

Patton wrapped the hoodie around himself. He needed to think about something else, or else he'd start crying again. Crying made his head and ears hurt, which his doctor said would probably always be the case. So he mostly did his best to not cry, ever.

Patton cast his mind around for something new to think about, and landed on the trip to the library several weeks ago. The trip wasn't . . . optimal?

No. The trip sucked.

Father wouldn't let go of him, which just made him feel like a toddler having to be guided around. It was bright, and had a lot of people, and was a little startling, but Patton was sure he could have handled it. Why didn't Father trust him?

It wasn't just that. Father made him go to bed at a specific time every night, wouldn't let him have any say in what he ate, wouldn't even let him pick what to watch on the TV. It was . . . it was stupid! It was awful, it was embarrassing, it was demeaning! It made Patton feel worthless, like he wasn't even a proper member of society! He wasn't a boy anymore, he had even had a job back at the Haven, he wasn't helpless!

Maybe soon, with all that he'd been learning, he could prove to Father that he was capable. And if Father wouldn't believe him, well . . . Patton would have to make him.

Again, that anger was right at the surface, ready to spill out into the air. At least he had the book.

-

Somehow, Logan had let Remus convince him that he didn't need to go to every therapy appointment with Patton, so Logan was at home alone. For the first time in months. He was exhausted, but he did not have time to sleep.

Patton was hiding something. Logan was undeniably certain of it. And when Patton hid something, he hid it under his bed.

Logan didn't get up immediately. This was a matter of privacy, after all. He understood that he was likely being a little too restricting with his son, but who could blame him? He'd almost lost him. So if Patton was hiding something, it was likely best to know what it was. Patton didn't seem to realize the amount of danger he was in. It wasn't his fault, he was just a child. Children weren't supposed to worry about this sort of thing, it was their parents' jobs to care for them. So, naturally, he had to make sure that whatever Patton was hiding wasn't going to bring harm in some way. If it was, he could gently confront him about it, and explain why it was not acceptable.

With that plan in mind, Logan stood from his desk and made his way to Patton's room. His door was always open, even when he was inside—it made sense, all things considered.

The room still had almost precisely the same setup as Logan had put together, down to the making of the bed. He'd told Patton that he was allowed to customize his room and ask for personal items, but so far he had done neither of those things. The only difference was that the small closet now had a few more pieces of clothing in it.

Logan bent to his hands and knees beside the bed and peered beneath. Sure enough, there were items underneath the boy's bed: a battered blue notebook, the singular book that he had wanted from the library last month, the jacket that had belonged to the other other prisoner. Logan reached for the notebook, grunting when his back popped.

He pulled himself onto Patton's bed to open it. It was confusing, at first, some jokes in his son's handwriting, rather poor sketches of an unfamiliar face. Then. . . .

Oh.

That—that was bad.

Logan took a few deep breaths, then flipped another page, then another. More of the same. This wasn't good. This was not good at all.

These diagrams and instructions, clearly for lip-reading? These would get Patton taken away from him. These would hurt him. These would make Patton want to leave the safety of home.

These were dangerous.

~

Taglist: @enragedbees @gotta-love-alejandra @bunny222 @basiic-emo @patt0n-sanders @rosiepupper @fangirlgeekandfreak @dn-fan21 @that2000skid @remy-the-lemon-berry @itsadastraperaspera @xionbean @sanderssides-angst @hell-yea-we-gay-tonight @maybedefinitely404 @broken-pencils @thewhimsicallibrarytech @doomllily @hereissananxiousmess @judyismydog  @arodynamic-enby @at-that-one-nerd @therapysides @awkwardandanxiousfander @thekitchenpan @im-an-anxious-wreck @larkiaquail

[yyxgin]

a lot has happened at work recently!! but who cares bleh. libra season!!! which means bday celebrations!! except i’m at work BOO 👎 and my two assistant managers have officially left (i’m helping them move on wednesday) and they were probably the only two who knew when my bday was apart from my supervisor but he’s gone to a different branch to train to be an assistant manager before coming back so i’m super bummed bc now i have to deal w al the new staff by myself 😭

also one of the ladies in kp read my palms?? and she told me i spend too much money impulsively which isn’t false… but i have to spend money impulsively or if spend none at all (which is good for saving ig) but i’d also be doing nothing other than working and that would make me sad lol. she also told me bc i’m a libra this month i’ll be unlucky with love but lucky with money so 🥺🙏🙏 i was having a relatively bad day that day so she was cheering me up n all of that.

did i tell you when my txt and skz albums came, they also came like a week or two later (again) bc they’d accidentally doubled up my order? it was like heaven with skz bc changbin baby is my ult n he was in some of the pulls for the second album 🥵🥵 the limited edition of no easy confuses me bc it’s not like the last one of theirs i bought and typically groups stick to a style when they design albums like mamamoo are all in these cute magnetic flip box thingies and nct’s are all little books type things as well as txt’s but skz switched it up and there’s a fair bit of loose stuff? but it’s okay bc i have two posters n all of the mini flip card things for the members and some bangchan (i’m gifted in pulling chan).

im also hopefully getting a car?? the barman hasn’t gone to prison yet bc the court keep moving his sentencing date(s?) so when i discussed this w my mum she said they’ll probably throw it out and relief filled me!! but ik i shouldn’t be so hopeful but at the same time it’s like why would you mess someone around so much? anyway i’ll move on, i wanted to drop him home in my car bc he deserves a lift everyday what a sweetheart❣️ my co-worker facetimed me today as it was my day off and i said hi to everyone it was so heartwarming to see everyone missing me but also not bc my manager overworks me and he knows that after this weekend 💉🩸

im jumping about with my points and things i want to say but i’m horrible at internet friends so this is okay for me as recently i’ve just not had energy for any friends which is awful of me but i’m still trying to find the balance between work and social. also everyone’s gone to uni and i’m just chilling. i like my life.

i want to redecorate my room. i don’t like the vibe other than when people compliment my kpop wall bc it’s a bunch of my art and then other peoples art and i thoroughly enjoy decorating w pictures and stickers and stuff but it’s literally just a door and it’s depresses me that my happiness is reduced to the back of a singular door now. i want to redo the vibe in my room and make it more me. i’ve never felt comfortable until recently and even now i’m going back to feeling uncomfy now that i know i want it a certain way and to give a certain vibe. idk, maybe it’s bc i watched sex education and seeing lily’s room in the most recent season (i won’t say much more in case you are watching/haven’t seen it yet) really made me realise i want to love myself and love the space i create for myself more. do you enjoy your space you’ve created for yourself? i always feel like peoples rooms say a lot about them as a person but how they see their room in their own eyes always says more.

i want to ask loads of questions and am awful at asking them so please just tell me everything i missed or should be updated on!! ily, always

~ 🌻

LIBRA SEASON !!! omg did i ask you when's your bday ?? i hope i didn't miss it. >:( happy birthday !!!! you deserve so much love. also, i'm sorry about your managers leaving. dealing with new staff is hella stressful and i hope you don't have to have too much responsibility and nerves <3

ooh palm readings are hella interesting. i've never had one but i think i'd like to try. spending money impulsively isn't a bad thing, if it's not an irresponsible spending. and if it is,, well who cares. yolo. i feel you on that tho, bc even tho i am really stingy w money, sometimes i just buy stuff i don't need and act on impulse.

OMG THAT IS A DREAM ?? getting free albums ?? (at least i hope they were free lmao). i like it when groups stick to one type of packaging although i must say i dont like the book thingies nct uses bc there is no magnetic part so it falls apart on my shelf and i hate that. i acutally like the sleeve packaging txt's albums have ?? everyone seems to bitch abt it on tiktok but i find it the most conveniet. also i'm glad changbin came home to you <3

YAAAY TO THE CAR !! AND ALSO TO YOUR COWORKER. i am praying he won't have to go, then, i am really hopeful. he is a sweet soul and doesn't deserve that. pleeease don't put up with your boss overworking you. take care of yourself :(

YOURE NOT HORRIBLE AT INTERNET FRIENDS we are besties. okay ??? and its totally okay to have no energy for friends as well, bc as you can see, i am struggling as well recently. it took me so long to reply to this ask and i feel so bad but it is what it is :// social battery has been low and i am busy with studying and work and trying to put my shit together. i am rooting for you !! <3

go for the decorating !! i actually haven't watched sex education and am not planning on watching so i dont really understand what you mean, but i hope you get to create a space for yourself when you feel free and comfortable. i share a room with my brother so its kind of difficult to decorate it how i want it, but i honestly like sharing a room tbh. he's not here half the time anyway so it's good to see him at least when we go to sleep lmao. but i have a bunch of stuff in my corner that are kpop and my side is full of plants, so i feel good surrounded by them hihi. i like it here.

i don't have many updates. i am actually living a very boring life, so i have nothing to share. preparing for graduation exams has been making me anxious and also depressed with everything that's been going on lately, but it's okay. i'll pull myself together <3 i love you a lot, take care !! i missed you

[allurefm-blog]

hey ! my name is link ! i go by he / they pronouns , am 21+ & live in the cst timezone ! i’m an obnoxious aries , but i promise i’m nice for a clown . i’m excited to be here ‘cause i’m a slice of life h*e . & this here is my weirdo tommy , who i hope you’ll like a lot . under the cut , you’ll find some misc. info & wanted connections , but here’s his dossier & pinterest board , which has more information for you . feel free to like this if you’d like to plot & i’ll swing by in your ims ( or ask for discord which is honestly easier for me but it’s okay if you don’t ) !

☕ . ˚ ◝  (  kim jongin. genderfluid. he/they. ) thomas “tommy” song is a twenty-five year old gemini. the deja brew barista’s go-to order is matcha lemonade and grilled cheese. they like to listen to tempo by lizzo feat. missy elliott while they wait for their order. the employees of the deja brew think they are inconsistent but swear they’re totally versatile as well. maybe that’s why collected sketchbooks that remain empty, horror movie marathons, band tees paired with perpetually messy hair remind me of them.

misc. info : ( content warning for : emotional abuse & neglect, negative religious imagery )

they’ve always lived in the la area & don’t really see themselves leaving even if they hate it here sometimes for whatever reasons they made up in their heads

their father owns several businesses & is generally well off. he has people convinced that he’s a really good guy but in private he’s an unbearable asshole. just really nitpicky about everything & overbearing in forcing his opinions on his family

their mother was a struggling actress & the few projects she was in flopped & then she became too old by society’s standards to get work & tommy’s dad ragged on her for it, poking at her appearance / weight until she finally gave up & settled for being his assistant

not only is their dad just a dick he’s also extremely catholic which intensified his already aggressive personality. for as long as tommy can remember their dad nagged him for anything possible. they never seemed to be “enough of a man” for him which absolutely tainted the way they viewed themselves

this plays a large part into why they decided to dump the idea of being a man period. all their life they never felt comfortable with being masculine & felt like a failure any time they tried but it wasn’t until their late teens that they felt comfortable identifying as nonbinary

they also suffer from a lot of catholic guilt. their dad was that typical shitty religious guy who went on homophobic rants at random so those views affect them even now

while they consider themselves closeted & default to saying they’re straight when asked they don’t keep up with it very well. any time a pretty guy makes eye contact with them they’re gonna go for it then beat themselves up for it later

they’re a thot. they enjoy physical intimacy but don’t really believe in the idea of romantic love ( yep his dad ruined that for them too ) so they prefer to sleep around than try to get close to anyone

whatever relationships they’ve been in they probably ruined it by not being affectionate or caring enough because they never learned how to be like that with another person ( whatever feelings they and their mother shared were more out of pity than actual love )

also they might be a cheater. i haven’t fully decided if they have or not but they definitely consider it constantly when they’re dating ( if you want some kind of plot like this let’s goooo )

so basically they struggled growing up but just emotionally & mentally. they were great in school but they hated the experience & everything along with their parents caused them to become pretty anxious & introverted in their adulthood

they can & will go out but they prefer not to & they’re terrible at socializing. things can be pretty awkward with them without them meaning to. & their sense of humor is very dry so it can come off as mean ( again without meaning to )

they’re really interested in drawing & painting but they went to college for computer science & honestly it makes them pretty miserable but they’d rather suffer than deal with their dad jumping down their throat

they took a couple of years off from school to gather themselves mentally ( basically had a breakdown in the middle of a semester & their dad still drags him for it ) but are in their senior year now

they only answer to tommy. if you call them tom or thomas you’ll just get a scowl in response then ignored

basically they’re both a fake goth & art hoe. they wear black sometimes but not constantly but always refer to themselves as a goth & they buy more sketchbooks than they need ‘cause they never draw in them ( they prefer using napkins & their textbooks )

they roll up their jeans and their sleeves because they’re bisexual

dogs are some of the only things that will make them outwardly happy if you want them to lose their mind then just show them a dog or even pics / videos

they love matcha it’s their favorite flavor but they actually hate coffee despite working in a cafe. but they’re really good at making latte art & getting tips because they’re pretty & and good at flirting with customers

they’re obsessed with horror movies. they relate a lot to movie monsters for trans reasons & find them comforting even when they’re super gory. currently their favorite movie is midsommar so you can catch them going off about it a lot

they love slushies & smoothies. if it’s blended & has a lot of sugar then they fuck with it heavily. also most of the time they’re too lazy to make their own food so they use drinks a lot as meal replacements 

they can’t cook worth a damn. they probably get most of their food from deja brew

they love plants a lot & keep a bunch of them at all times 

they’re a hipster they love collecting vinyls & patches for their many denim jackets

they love going on drives to anywhere everywhere at random. they don’t need a destination they just wanna drive

they sleep in small four hour bursts & are pretty much always tired

they love pizza & pasta. if it’s italian they’re a stan

they’re super clumsy. probably run into things or trip five times a day

they’re secretly dramatic & gets upset when their friends / lovers don’t give them enough attention but they will never bring it up other than through playing it up 

they collect band tees even for bands they don’t listen to & they don’t care if they get called out for it

wanted connections : 

rooommates ( one or two )

exes ( any gender. it can be messy or friendly. i’m willing to have tommy be the issue since they can be rather uncaring & we could even do a cheating plot if you want maximum angst. also bonus points if they’re exes that are still “involved”. )

hookups / fwbs ( any gender. singular experiences or regular type things )

childhood plots for those who’ve lived in la ( childhood friends, first kisses / crushes, all that good stuff )

high school sweethearts

their first sexual experience with someone masculine. i want the awkward teen ( or early twenties whichever ) experience & it’s probably something that tommy gets ( dare i say it ? ) shy about even now

flirtationships that don’t go anywhere

maybe a regular customer that they keep flirting with & the customer thinks they actually have a thing for them but they don’t & it’s weird & awk

maybe they fuck up your drink and your muse is mad about it but they try to flirt their way out of it with either good or disastrous results

your muse is the person that has to deal with this behavior

one-sided crushes ( don’t mind who has the feelings ! )

mutual pining but they’re both idiots & have no idea

anything from this tag 

party buddies. horror movie buddies. video game buddies. road trip buddies. any of these can be combined

tinder date ( it can go well or not )

literally anything you can think of i’m probably down for it

[helpmeholdontoyou]

1-3, 5, 6, 10, 13, 16, 17, 21, 22, 31-34, 38-42, 47-50, 54-56, 61-66, 72 (only if you’re comfortable sharing), 77, 79, 80, 83-88, 91, 96, 99-101, 110, 111, 116, 121, 124, 126, 127, 139, 142-145, 148-150, 153 (only if you’re comfortable sharing), 157, 158, 163, 170 😊

i cannot believe you did this to me, chris! this took forever hahahahahah but here it goes!

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

I suppose I wish I was an inch or two taller!

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

I have ALWAYS wanted a ferret

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

Bohemian

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day

Hmmmm... my boyfriend, my mom, and food 🤣

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

warning: says it like it is, no sugar coating 😊

10: Are you allergic to anything?

tree nuts!

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

cats 🐈

16: How tall are you?

5’4

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

coraline ;)

21: Are you religious?

spiritual. i don’t believe in a singular god.

22: Pet peeves?

uh i have a lot but off the top of my head i hate when people bite their nails it grosses me out (think of all the things you touch in a day! ick!)

31: Do you get scared easily?

nah not at all..... eh actually I rethought this and came back bc i do get scared when it’s a snow storm and my boyfriend is gone plowing and our power goes out

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

weirdly, 13

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

10/10 Chris, of course!

34: What is a color that calms you?

orange

38: Introvert or extrovert?

it really depends on the situation im definitely good at socializing but i like to be alone

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

i do but not the shit you read in cosmo magazine

40: Hugs or kisses?

hugs

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

i would like to visit my cousin who lives in hawaii!

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

my boyfriend vinnie, honestly. i didn’t know what love really was before him.

47: What is a sound you really hate?

the sound of a fan can really bug me or like that sound when you have plastic or styrofoam in your car

48: A sound you really love?

bugs, like summer nights

49: Can you do a backflip?

before my surgeries, yes

50: Can you do the splits?

before my surgeries, yes

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

i need my redone highlights baldly!!!

55: When did you feel happiest?

id like to think ive never seen my happiest day yet

56: Something that calms you down?

im just gonna say it... smoking weed

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

any kind of hateful sentiment or ignorant statement will usually garner an unfollow from me and also if they like ridiculously go overboard with selfreblogging, like flooding my dash daily to the point where it’s unavoidable, unfortunately.

62: What makes you follow a blog?

usually if i see they have the same interests as i do!

63: Favorite kind of person:

this is a very vague question i don’t understand?

64: Favorite animal(s):

cats, hermit crabs, ferrets, guinea pigs, sheep, omg i could go on i have a farm lolll

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

YOURS & @swiftlysunshine & @nurseaddison

66: Favorite emoticon:

🤗

72: Post a selfie or two?

I’m too lazy to tag it in this post after all these questions lmao

77: Do you like to swim?

YES!

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

pickles

83: Favorite person to talk to:

my boyfriend

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

honestly i don’t really remember it was so long ago lol

85: How many followers do you have?

im gonna choose not to say because things can get really ridiculous around here with big blogs vs small blogs

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

hell no.

87: Do your socks always match?

nope

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

no lol i have a spine fusion im healing from

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

lavender.. i know that’s an herb but it technically flowers ;)

96: Winter or summer?

summer, 100% of the time

99: Someone you look up to:

my sister

100: A store you love?

Anthropologie

101: Favorite type of shoes

slippers im a homebody

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

‘why do you have a handicapped pass?’

111: A question you hate being asked?

‘how are you so skinny?!’ (I realize there are worse things you could be asked but it’s just fucking annoying to get questioned about anything body-related)

116: Favorite cloud type:

WHAT Chris you are random um cumulonimbus clouds ☁️

121: Something you want to do right now

refill my drink

124: Bright or dim lights?

dim

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

drama

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

my family calls me boo, boo bear, boobah

my friends call me care, carrie, carebear

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

good

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

giving

144: What makes you angry

slow drivers

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

fluently, one

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

ummmmmm my hair? does that count?

149: Favorite thing about your personality

i believe im pretty insightful

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

my mom, my best friend, @taylorswift

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

high school originally!

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

literally life

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

um once in high school i told my parents i was just hanging out with my one friend in my basement and then instead i for some reason thought i could get away with throwing a house party in my basement and like sneak people in... with my parents right upstairs? anyway i got ridiculously drunk, the plan did not work, my dad screamed at me and i fainted as he was screaming at me HAHAHaHAHAHaH

163: Last time you cried and why:

today, over something taylor did for a fan i thought was just so sweet

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

yep!

[overcomingdepression101]

Why we become addicted depressed and anxious, what it does to our mind, and how to overcome it

Ive been considering all these topics as of late. For the past two years now Ive felt overwhelmingly depressed, apathetic, and lethargic towards life. Most notably of all the depressive symptoms though, my focus has deteriorated, that I find it hard to maintain visual focus on any one thing. At the start of the depressive cycle, reading was impossible, and even now continued visualization is difficult. I find myself regularly pulled out of the imagined scenario. Its odd though. Its not like I lose the drive to maintain focus and then all of a sudden im putting the material down and shifting to a different task. Its as if my mind itself has ceased to see any true value in continuing the action. Ill be in the middle of reading a page, and then without warning, my mind will have shifted focus. It will reflect on something in my life. Generally it will bring up a past memory that has some degree of lament to it and start creating a fictional instance around the memory or the projection of a person; an argument that could have been had, lovelorn words that could have been spoken, experiences that  could have been shared, hell, sometimes it will be a want to discuss the material im reading with someone that I once had feelings for and will begin to build a feeling of self importance as a result of having those conversations. Afterwards I feel discouraged, realizing, especially in the ladder case, that any intellectual validation or merit or strength that could have been ascertained from the actual activity of reading was undermined by delving into the fantasy.

Thats the strange thing about this focuses lack actually. A lot of the time, I will fantasize about doing or responding to what I am doing. The ultimate value underlying the digression actually being completing, with clarity and competence, the activity at hand. And yet my mind continues to wander away from the task at hand, inhibiting me from actually learning or appreciating or involving myself in what Im doing.

So, as of this point, Im sure you're wondering where the question about the reward center of the brain comes in. Well, we generally understand that the reward center of the brain, when primed and matured and uninterrupted, will release dopamine, the pleasure center of the brain, to influence the body to continue this action; chemical positive reinforcement. In doing this, the body is habituated to pursue self actualizing behavior. Yet, in my instance, there is some recognition that my mind desires to pursue the self actualizing behavior, but something always gets in the way.

I shouldn't say something. im more aware of the mechanism than that. Its actually a who. An ex. A woman I believed to be the love of my life, potentially soul mate. To a certain extent I maintain some of these beliefs. But I am become more suspect of them as time progresses and as I learn more about the interactions of drugs on the mind. Let me explain.

This relationship had a good deal of drug over the course of its duration. But there was one experience, the day I’d say the relationship really began and also an event that Im begin to hold more and more accountable for my current state of mind, that I accredit more than any other. On our first true date. This woman and I went to a music festival together and took MDMA. This experience was prefaced by three dates, a growing belief that I had never prior met someone who was so like me, the first true wisps of love as a legitimate feeling, and an intense sexual attraction. To say little of the experience other than what is necessary, I have never felt so much mental, physical, or spiritual affirmation in period of time. I can only imagine that my body was flooded with an unparalleled amount of dopamine.

The day after, in an unexpected and tragic way, the relationship flourishing was cut short, but continued on and off for the next few months. During this period of time, whenever I was in her presence, I felt more intelligence and focus flood my mind than at any other time. But that to was quickly diminishing as I got further from the events of the festival.

We know that stimulant drugs and psychoactive drugs have a cerebrally stimulating effect. There are studies that demonstrate that the mind is more active and acute while under different influences. Marijuanna, Nicotine, Cocaine, MDMA, etc. We also know however, that there are near degenerative effects to these substances if used over a period of time. The general consensus explaining this phenomenon revolves around the brains pleasure response mechanism. When we are doing something that intellectually validating and we combine it with an external chemical that causes a release of dopamine which is the neurotransmitter that enables focus and memory, we ar enhancing our minds capabilities to learn because we are flooding it excessive amounts of dopamine. However, over time, the body becomes reliant of external chemicals for the same dopamine release, self regulating as it is. Beyond that, the chemicals wheres away at our minds ability to producedopamine, eventually leading to a reduction in overall production, even while in the presence of the substance. If the substance is removed all together though, then the relative level of dopamine in the mind is comparatively less than a mind that has abstained, leading to the neurodegenerative process we've seen.

Certain substances cause such an elevated release of dopamine, that production is hampered for months or even years after use. MDMA is an example of a drug that produces this effect. While the research discussing the phenomena is heavily politicized, there is still evidence suggesting that MDMA at worst is neurotoxic and at best still cause a significant decline is available dopamine for sometime after use.

Knowing both of these facts, I began to consider what that dopamine drop would look like if it cooccured with high levels of oxytocin present in the mind, I.E. what if someone were in love and also released an immense amount of dopamine? Would the effects be even more drastic? Would they be noticeable? In a mind that was still demonstrating significant levels of neuroplasticity as an adolescent, could this lead to severe long term damage.

Before going further into detail, its also important to note that the effective of substance on the adolescent mind are well researched and documented. Long term substance problems are usually the result of adolescent consumption and that generally speaking is a result of an alteration to the reward mechanism inside of the brain. “The brain regions and neural processes that underlie addiction overlap extensively with those that support cognitive functions, including learning, memory, and reasoning. Drug activity in these regions and processes during early stages of abuse foster strong maladaptive associations between drug use and environmental stimuli that may underlie future cravings and drug-seeking behaviors.” (Gould) Gould’s paper elaborates on this in significantly more depth but in laymen's terms, while our brains would normally get hard wired to reward us with dopamine if we pursued altruistic behavior or things that were generally good for us, substance abuse in minors rewires the brain so those chemicals are released when the drug is present in the body. Learning, memory, and focus are all hampered as a result of this wiring and as such, instead of pursuing things that benefit our wellbeing, we pursue the drug.

This has many different implications, especially when considering the nature of focus in the recovering addicts mind. But prior to that, it also brings up a bevy of other questions. How many uses of substance are necessary to rewire the brains reward circuitry? What are the varying degrees of circuitry rewiring that exist; more to the point is there a way to create a spectrum for the varying degrees of learning deficiencies and rewiring behaviors? Can other chemicals that act of neural circuitry behave in a similar way: love, sugar, validating external mediums (social media for example).  If so, or even if not, when this manifests in a person what is the actual psychological process and experience of deteriorated learning and focus look like? Is the process reversible to any degree? What is the method of reversing the cognitive deficit? And lastly, is there any way to ascertain a general time based on treatment behaviors?

I opened up this line of question because after reflecting on may experience, I do believe the co-occurence of love and MDMA in my system made me truly addicted to the presence and validation of a person. Realizing that the a-priori consideration of my mind, even when pursuing things I found generally enjoyable for two years post experience, was to try and validate it to this other, made me realize just how deep rooted this type of addiction could be. I will note that I did have experience with other substances prior to this point in my life, and as an adolescent, but they were minimal at best, and never as irreversible or as all consuming as this singular experience.

I have been completely clean of any substance (alcohol and tobacco included) for over three months now. I am emerging from a period of intense depression and anxiety and on a daily basis I still live with a mind that is fractured and quick to recall and past ill, grievance, misgiving, or yearn. But through a strict lifestyle of regular meditation, exercise, sobriety, and presence, I am making real headway in overcoming the anxiety behaviors. More-over, having spent the majority of the past year deeply researching mental disorder, anxiety, and depression in a functional sense, I feel like i understand the disease better than ever and what type of mental schemas and behaviors lead into it.

To preface a lot of what Ill be talking about, i believe that anxiety and depression are a result of biological traits, chemical presence, and behavior. That said, having been deep into the pit of both depression and anxiety, having lost all my mental faculties and general feelings of pleasure for the world, I dont think these feelings are permanent, or genetically predisposed to hamper you your entire life. Many people overcome these trying disorders, even with long family histories present with the condition or even after long periods of drug abuse.

I started writing when I became stricken with fear that I would never get my mind back, I would never achieve the intellectual or potential filled heights I could have prior to making the decisions I made, and I would never get over the addictions I faced (the girl and the substances that had destroyed my life). Im getting close to the other side though. I can see with clarity how it will happen. And Im going to articulate each step.

Im doing this so i can have a written record for myself more than anything. I want to know how I emerged from such a pit in case it ever happens again. As a result, this is one part journal, one part help guide. Sometimes the writing will be messy. Sometimes it will be more personal than universal; in those instances, ill try and qualify what I say. But know that I always write recognizing that each struggle with depression and anxiety is incredibly personal. The demons that haunt and pester us all have their own back stories; stories so powerful they would have to be lived to truly be understood. I will never pretend to understand them.

What I do understand is that there are shared characteristics between each experience. I also know there are shared characteristics revolving around many individual’s escapes. I am writing to those experiences. I want to make them understandable, digestible, human too. To regularly in medical writing, you feel depersonalized because its like a prescription bottle is talking to you, in that same sterilized, medical dialogue we expect from a droning oncologist. Not here.

And thats the last thing I understand and really, my point in writing this and giving you a little insight into what I’m thinking, how I’m thinking, and how it relates to my life. Im there with you. Not living your story, but desperately trying to escape a story that has some shared characteristics as your own. I hope we can help each other, grieve with each other, and overcome with each other. This is hell. We know it. This isn't what life should be or has been or could be. We also know that. And with that knowledge in our hearts, let us remind each other. Continually and eternally. And push each other in the direction of clarity and song.

Till next time,

Alex