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halliescomut · 2 years ago

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Have these people never heard of acting out...like???

They make it so clear in the show that his actions are mostly about Porsche's behavior for one, but also anything that you could attribute to Kim is literally that he was just the last straw.

I mean, just imagine...from the time you're at best 5, maybe 6, you've watched your brother work so hard to keep shit together, take on so much to provide for you because the adult you were supposed to be able to rely on is full trash. Porsche is likely working under the table jobs wherever he can find them to help support. They not only have to make sure shit doesn't get too bad, but Porsche has to make sure he's not doing anything too shady, because if he gets in legal trouble he and Chay will be separated, either by the courts, or if Porsche ended up in jail, Chay would be left to Uncle Arthee (who as discussed is trash). And while Porsche is doing all of this, he's still in school, and per canon still competing in Martial Arts competitions, and winning. By the time Chay's old enough to where he could start doing under the table work like Porsche had, Porsche is now an adult, and forbids it. He'd rather work himself to death to keep things afloat than let Chay struggle the way he had to. Even though we know logically that if they were both working together it would lighten the load for both (both physically and emotionally).

Then, after yet another visit from Uncle Arthee's shitty creditors, when he's reminded that he's part of the reason they can't pay them, since a good chunk of their money went to his tuition, Porsche disappears. He comes back beat to hell with no explanation. Disappears AGAIN. Is fully unreachable the whole time, after being Chay's only constant for more than a decade. You know, the kid who's already traumatized because he's an orphan.

Then, he learns the TRUTH, which is that Porsche has been out getting shot at and beat up with the mafia, you know, the same people who were constantly coming to harass them, that were beating Uncle Arthee, and likely Porsche, on a regular basis, but still lending Uncle Arthee money. [Which as a side note is exactly the dilemma we see Porsche have when they're beating up that guy in ep. 3. Because he recognizes that he's kind of joined the people that had been their enemy his whole life.] And he's not only got to reconcile that Porsche is in tthis, but that he's committed to the head of the Family, and that he doesn't want to leave that person.

So he's sitting there, taking all of that in, and he has two choices. He can ask his brother who has CONSISTENTLY sacrificed for him for over a decade, to give up a person that he truly loves and cares about so that they can leave this mafia world. Knowing that Porsche would do it if Chay asks. Or he can let Porsche stay, and he can adjust. He'll finish school, he'll go to university, and there's still a possibility of something real with Kim at that time. Then he gets hit with the knowledge that Kim is also a part of this whole mafia mess in someway, which he might have been able to work through. And then Kim rips his heart out and throws it on the floor (and there's reasons for this, and I do understand Kim's motivation there, but that's not the point, because Porchay has no awareness of that.)

You notice how there's about 500 words vaguely detailing Chay's trauma before we even get to Kim? Chay's 'acting out' is a clear response to being overwhelmed and not knowing how to handle it. He's in a situation that he hates, that he sees no way out of, he's heartbroken, he's fucked his university chances in a fit of rage, who in the world would not be overwhelmed? And let's be clear, Porsche is in NO way an even moderately okay role model in regards to handling your emotions. There's an incredibly high likelihood that the only person he ever neutralized his emotions around is Chay, because as Chay's protector and caregiver he couldn't show too much. And he doesn't have emotional outbursts regularly, but we can see from the wasabi incident that he definitely gives in to his emotions when he can. And we can have hours of conversation over how he tries to drown out all of the fear and worry and stress with women and alcohol.

So...is Chay dying his hair and going out to get drunk at 17 (or 18) after having to deal with all of the bullshit that's been thrown at him over the course of (let me check the timeline) 7 DAYS!!! (a fucking week y'all) a tantrum? Or is it him following the lead of the only role model he's ever had in an attempt to silence just for a minute the absolute shit show his life has become in A WEEK?!?!

You know, just discuss amongst yourselves. But as someone who is familiar with the types of reactions that traumatized people can have in times of stress, Chay's reaction is understandable, not an overreaction, and not surprising based on the information we have.

I'm actually so sick of people misconstruing chay's actions in the final few episodes as him just throwing a tantrum or like, it just being about Kim and their breakup. like Chay is a boy who had every choice, even before canon, made for him. he wasn't allowed a job to help with the bills. he had to go to university to get a good job. and then Porsche joins the mafia, which could literally kill him, the only family Chay has left. and he did it for Chay. even though Chay would've begged him not to. he would've begged Porsche to stay safe. and then Kim comes along and attempts to get close to him for information and ends up falling in love with him anyway. but Kim makes the decision to break chay's heart to spare him from the dark world of the mafia. only, newsflash. they were born into that mess just like Khun, Kinn and Kim were. Chay is then forced to move from his family home into the cold and unforgiving main family house under the watchful eye of Korn. no fucking wonder he skips the school interview. no wonder he dyes his hair and goes to the club to drink and maybe try drugs. these are the only things he has control of in his life. he's allowed to be angry. he's allowed to be resentful.

#porchay pichaya kittisawat #porsche kittisawat #porchay kittisawasd #porsche kittisawasd #KinnPorsche #KinnPorsche the series #KinnPorsche Meta #trauma makes you do fucked up shit #and often times you do that fucked up shit to yourself

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eryiss · 3 years ago

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Summary: Freed and Gajeel were total opposites in every way, only connected by the guild. When they were forced to train together under Makarov's orders, they expected antagonism and mistrust. Instead, they were given a lesson in how quickly opposition can turn to attraction. The issue: let the budding relationship simmer away, or let it explode. [Freed x Gajeel Multi-chapter]

Notes: Hi everyone. Strap in for character development, and the ridiculous lengths that are needed to cause the development. Hope you all enjoy.

Links: FFN, Ao3, Chapter List

Chapter Four - Fighting In The Moonlight

Day Three: Wednesday

When Freed woke the next day, he wasn't surprised to find he didn't suddenly like Gajeel Redfox. The last few days of pointless antagonism and ridiculous challenges didn't slip his mind, and the stalemate between them was as tenuous as it could possibly be. This was what he expected; a weak apology after an argument was hardly going to fix everything that had happened between them in such a short time, and the overwhelming dislike they held from each other. That wasn't how emotions worked, and it certainly wasn't how Freed worked as a person.

Though, the multiple blow-ups that Freed had indulged in were hardly how he acted either. Maybe Gajeel had knocked him off kilter more than he thought.

The rest of the last night had been awkward; perhaps the most awkward situation they had been in yet. At least before, they'd had their anger and resentment to focus on, but their conversation seemed to take that away. For the rest of the night, they were two men who had a lot of issues and no way to voice them, healthily or otherwise.

A few times, Freed had considered apologising. Then, he told himself that he had nothing to apologise for, and that Gajeel was the one in the wrong. That left him with a sickly feeling in his stomach, because he knew it wasn't entirely true.

Dammit. Freed wasn't particularly fond of emotional exploration, and Gajeel had somehow forced it on him.

"I know yer awake," Gajeel grumbled, voice more sleepy than angry. Freed opened his eyes slowly to see the sun in its mid-morning state - it still annoyed him slightly that Gajeel was an early riser while Freed was fond of sleeping in - and Gajeel sitting by a fire. "I made you breakfast."

With a little frown, Freed sat up as he blinked away the sleep. He had been doing all of their cooking since they had arrived, partially because Gajeel wanted to test him and partially because Gajeel clearly liked what Freed could do with fish. This was one of the aspects of the week Freed had actually liked, as cooking in multiple situations with limited resources was something he found oddly fun. Still, he wouldn't complain if Gajeel was going to take over the chore in some kind of peace offering. He looked at the breakfast offered to him and scrunched his face in confusion.

He had made toast. Had he made bread somehow? No, that was ridiculous.

"It ain't poisoned," Gajeel continued speaking. "I ain't pissed on it or anything."

"That didn't once cross my mind," Freed croaked a little as he spoke. "I was confused as to where you got the bread from."

"There's a village with a bakery half an hour's walk away, stopped by and got some supplies," Gajeel shrugged, and Freed frowned. Surely that went against the entire point of this survivalist retreat. Gajeel seemed to preempt the question. "The whole living off the forest thing was because I didn't think you could handle it. Sounds petty when I say it out loud," He chuckled. "But a mage can't stay in a hotel - I thought that's what you were doin' - so I wanted to make sure you could handle yerself. You can, so no point in eating fish again when we don't have to."

Oh, that was shockingly mature. Both the admission and the reasoning for stopping the survivalist aspects of the training. Perhaps Gajeel had more emotional maturity than Freed was giving him credit for.

Perhaps it was his time to make an effort too.

"That's reasonable," Freed agreed, taking the toast before speaking again. The next sentence he had to force out before annoyance at Gajeel filled him again. "I must admit, if we're being honest with one another, I have found your exercise to be rather genius. I'm quite impressed."

Oh, he actually meant that. That was unexpected.

"Genius?" Gajeel scoffed. "You makin' fun of me?"

"Not at all," Freed corrected, because if he actually did think Gajeel was impressive then he wasn't going to recant on his words. "The fact you've essentially made a gymnasium out of things you can find in a forest is impressive itself. It allows for the benefits of specific exercise, while also lowering the limitations. You could learn to swim in a pool, for example, but learning in a lake adds the complications of pond life, temperature, shorelines and distractions. You could weight train with barbells, but doing it with the tree trunk means you're ready to lift things that aren't meant to be lifted and will offer less support," He took another bite of the toast. "You've essentially replaced the comfort of a gym with the practical requirements of a mission environment. It's quite impressive."

"Oh, shit," Gajeel grumbled a little, and looked away. "Thanks."

"There's also your intention to push my limits," Freed saw Gajeel tense just a little. "If I were the type of man you wanted me to be, I expect this would have been torturous. So not only did you make a practical training environment, you found a way to do it while also making me uncomfortable as you could," He smirked a little. "You're smarter than you look, Gajeel."

"Can't tell if yer complementin' me or not."

"I am, if a little backhandedly," Freed commented, and Gajeel hummed a little.

They sat beside one another for a short while, and Gajeel wordlessly handed Freed a small metal mug filled with coffee. It wasn't the type of bean that Freed would have chosen for himself, but there was a certain satisfaction in the burn on his tongue. He also normally would have added some milk, but this particular roast didn't seem to need it. He would have to look into it.

When their breakfasts had been finished, neither man spoke for a few minutes more. Freed still expected Gajeel to have some sort of challenge or task ready for him as he had the previous two days. Eventually, once the quiet had begun to unnerve him, he spoke again.

"Other than the fight, what have we planned today?"

"Kinda thought that was all we needed," Gajeel shrugged, not looking towards Freed as he kicked dirt onto the fire to extinguish it. "Maybe we could go back before it gets dark? I dunno."

"Right," Freed was speaking quietly. Something was clearly wrong with Gajeel. "If you wish."

"Ain't got anything else planned," Gajeel stood as the fire burned away.

"Right," Freed repeated, disbelieving. Had he hurt Gajeel's feelings? That didn't make him particularly good. It didn't make him feel guilty, exactly, but it wasn't great. "I'd like to stay until the evening at least. Maybe returning to Magnolia at night would be good for us both; I don't typically travel at night so perhaps it will help broaden my horizons."

"If you want," Gajeel still wasn't looking at him.

"So, if we've got most of the day with nothing to do, perhaps we should go with what you planned originally," Freed suggested, and Gajeel glanced towards him for a moment. He looked away quickly. "I expect it would be equal parts humiliating and exhausting."

"Oh yeah," Gajeel chuckled a little. "You would've cried."

"Would I?" Freed challenged. "Maybe you should prove it."

"Maybe I should."

When they looked at each other again, they both wore the familiar edge of challenge in their eyes, but this time the reasoning behind it was different. Not kind, not friendly, but not hateful either. An odd middle ground, one that they could work with.

——

"On the count of three, we fight," Gajeel stated, and Freed gave a nod.

It was evening now, with the moon high in the sky and the stars illuminated the darkness. As they had for the last three days, Freed's muscles ached from a day of physical activity and a variety of challenges. Today, though, had been a little different. While the challenges were clearly designed to prey on Freed's supposed weaknesses, Gajeel approached them with an attitude almost teacherly in his helpfulness. An entirely reluctant teacher who had lost all enthusiasm for his job, but a teacher nonetheless.

They had made camouflage for themselves, which consisted of covering their exposed skin in mud and leaves. Freed suspected that if they'd done it the day before, Gajeel would have sat back and watched with Freed amusement. Instead, he showed Freed what to do, and led by example.

Next, they'd made a boat out of dead wood, originally to highlight the lack of practical skills Gajeel thought Freed had. But under Gajeel's tutelage - he'd done this many times before meeting Pantherlilly, so was proficient at it - they managed to make a working raft.

After that, Gajeel had lifted the no magic rule. He thought that, for their fight, they should know their opponent. They had taken turns showing off their magic, using it against a tree. Freed had been pleasantly surprised by the range of spells that Gajeel possessed. He had thought the man could only turn his body to iron, so to see what he was capable of was enlightening.

Honestly, it has been a good day. Maybe the other days would have been good if they hadn't been determined to hate one another.

"Three," Gajeel said, voice low. "Two. One."

They both lurched forward, Gajeel with iron crawling up his arms to replace his skin and Freed with runes spiralling down his sword. They were both fully dressed in their normal clothes - their coats had been essentially abandoned on the first day, so the extra weight was a little unfamiliar - so that they could battle in the same conditions they would in a mission environment. Now that he had a glimmer of objectivity, Freed could admit that Gajeel really had thought this out well. Tactically, he was bordering on genius.

An extended fist cast in iron shot towards Freed, and he pushed his sword to parry it. He was knocked back, but managed to stay on his feet. With a muttered spell, the runes swirling around him shot forward, plastering themselves onto Gajeel's metal skin.

The yelling of pain was cathartic, and Frees watched with a grin as Gajeel recoiled.

Still, Gajeel clearly wasn't the type to let some pain runes stop his stubbornness. He gritted his teeth and lurched forward, arm mutating into a blade of black steel. The magic used to cast the spell must have overwhelmed the pain runes, as they shattered on his skin, and Freed cussed under his breath. Dragon Slayer magic was inherently powerful, so simply plastering the man with runes until he could no longer stand wouldn't be enough.

Gajeel ran forward with his sword arm extended, and swung for Freed's gut. Freed lowered his sword to protect himself, and saw that Gajeel's sword arm wasn't as sharp as it could have been. More a baton than a blade.

How considerate.

For a while, all they could do was parry one another. Freed needed to reevaluate his strategy while Gajeel needed to build up to something more powerful. Freed was a better swordsman, and until Gajeel had enough energy to use his ranged spells, they were at a stalemate.

Metal beat against metal as they battled, cutting through the relative silence of the forest. The moonlight and the stars illuminated the battle, dancing off the nearly stilled lake they had chosen to fight beside. Were there any wildlife nearby, they had decided to scarper away, no doubt sensing the overwhelming magical energy emanating from the two fighting men.

Freed's sword met Gajeel's, and the sparks that flew made both men wince and recoil a little. They both jumped back a few steps, panting and taking a moment to recover.

"Sword ain't just a prop, huh?" Gajeel huffed. "If my skin wasn't iron, you would've got a few cuts in."

"And if you hadn't dulled your arm perhaps you might have to."

"Couldn't risk cutting yer perfect skin," Gajeel taunted, but it didn't feel as cruel as his other comments had been intended to be. "Basically all you've got, isn't it?"

"We'll see," Freed retorted.

With a sweeping motion of his sword, Freed quick-casted a perimeter of runes around them. They implanted themselves in the dirt before glowing bright and magical. Walls shot upwards and the effect took place, lifting both of them off the air as the effect of gravity lessened. Gajeel seemed taken aback, stumbling in the air that lifted him and looking for something to latch onto. He found nothing, and Freed smirked a little.

Freed cast his own wings to counteract the gravity spell. Runes now flying around him, he forced his magic outwards and sent tendrils of power towards his opponent. Normally this combination of spells would have been too taxing, but three days without had given him an excess of power.

Iron cut through his runes, and Gajeel's extended fist slammed into Freed's face in a vicious punch.

Dazed, it took him a moment to see what had happened. With his left hand, Gajeel had made multiple strands of iron and buried them into the ground, allowing himself to be anchored in place. He had pulled himself down so that he was on the ground again, albeit a little unsteady on his feet. With this stability, he was able to essentially make Freed's gravity rune useless.

A metal hand wrapped tightly around Freed's neck, and pushed him into one of the large trees in the rune perimeter. Freed gasped a little, his throat being crushed as Gajeel pushed forward. Even knowing the man would stop before seriously injuring him, Freed began to panic. A tingling of brimstone rose over his skin.

Instantly, he cast a spell. The reversal of the gravity spell, that doubled the pressure rather than halved it. They were both flung to the ground, and Gajeel's extended arm retreated to prop him up.

Both men struggled to keep themselves from collapsing, and Freed felt the magic flowing through him. Powerful and relentless, he quickly tried to utilise it. Tentacles of runic streams shot forward, all meant to hurt their target. They wrapped around Gajeel's arms, legs and neck, burning into him and making him yell in pain.

Scales formed on Freed's arm, but he didn't notice.

"Iron Dragon's Roar!" Gajeel yelled over the pain runes, and a flurry of magic filled the space between them.

The spell hit Freed like a truck. The dominating burn of powerful magic hit him, the pain tripled by the barrage of metallic shrapnel cutting away at his skin. A dragon slayer's roar was an experience that Freed had so far avoided - when he trained with Laxus, the other man refused to use the spell for fear of hurting his teammates - and the unfamiliar sensation was hellish. He was knocked off his feet, flung backwards and pinned against the wall of runes by Gajeel's magic. He knew he was yelling in pain, but couldn't hear himself.

Seeing it as his only next step, Freed cut the gravity runes entirely. For a moment he was forced back further by Gajeel's roar, and he yelled in pain as his back cracked against a fallen log. At least the change of gravity had thrown Gajeel off balance, as his roar cut through the trees, and into the sky, parting the clouds.

Brimstone. Fire. Darkness. They all coursed through Freed's veins.

He didn't notice it, though. The pain from the spell and subsequent fall was all-consuming, meaning the mutation of the skin on his right arm turning to scales went unnoticed, as did the burning in his throat.

Gajeel, apparently less affected by the fight than Freed, was on his feet and running towards Freed quickly. He had turned his arm to the sword again, and Freed could see he was grinning through red tinted eyes. Gajeel clearly thought that this fight was already finished, and Freed felt a rush of anger flow through him.

He would not lose a fight to Gajeel Redfox.

He would not lose a fight to a man who had tried to humiliate him.

He would not lose a fight to a man who had disrespected him.

He would not lose a fight to a man so inferior to him that he shouldn't be breathing the same fucking air to him!

Oh. It was too late, wasn't it.

Without control of his body, Freed raised his arm. It had been fully transformed into it's demonic counterpart, and Freed could only watch as magic crackled and formed at the end of his claw. He couldn't stop it now, it was too late for that. His attention had slipped, and Gajeel's parting of the clouds had allowed for direct moonlight to hit him, strengthening the demon inside of him enough for a minor takeover,

A beam of concentrated darkness flew from his claw, hitting Gajeel directly. The spell was an amalgam of every rune Freed had: pain, torment, trauma, paralysis, unconsciousness, poison. In a word, the spell was hell.

It hit Gajeel right in the heart, and Freed watched with wide eyes.

The ensuing scream sent a chill through him.

Gajeel flew backwards, and Freed watched as his eyes closed and he was knocked out. With heavy breaths, Freed forced his arm upwards and shot as much magic through his claw as he could. It was a foreign and horrible sensation, turning his runic magic into darkness, but he needed to do it. He was burning through all the magic that the demon had taken from him, exhausting himself to the point where the demon's influence would have to die out. The magic ripped away at him, and the claw began to shrivel.

The exhaustion hit him in waves, and his bones felt like they might break. He panted and heaved, nausea hitting him as he closed his eyes. It was only when he heard a loud, echoing splash that he forced his eyes open again.

Gajeel was in the lake, unconscious and with his energy sapped from him.

With as much energy as he could muster, Freed ran towards the lake and dove in. The cold hit him and woke him slightly, and he pushed on to swim towards where Gajeel had landed. The ripples were still breaking the surface, acting like a beacon for Freed to find him. He pushed on despite his aching arms, gritting his teeth as the creeping of brimstone ran over the back of his exposed neck.

Gajeel wasn't floating. He was sinking. Ignoring the demon fighting for his body, Freed submerged himself in the water and began to swim down. He saw Gajeel's body and quickly hooked his arms around the man's chest. He was limp, and Freed was quickly pulling him to the surface.

Dragging him to the shore was hellish. His body screamed in protest, but he kept going until they were on the rocks that bordered the lake. Freed wanted nothing more than to lie down and let his exhaustion take over, and he very

Gajeel was still unconscious.

Putting him on his back with his head tilted back slightly, Freed pinched Gajeel's nose and brought his mouth to Gajeel's. He breathed in heavily, forcing air into the man's lungs as best he could. He alternated between that and chest compressions, arms still burning as he forced his hands on the other man's chest.

Eventually, Gajeel spluttered out and spat water towards the side. He coughed and groaned, throat hoarse and eyes unblinking. Freed wanted to explain, or at least to help Gajeel further with his recovery, but felt exhaustion overtake him. He quickly wrote a rune to heat and protect them, before his eyes fluttered shut.

——

"You lost control, didn't ya?"

Gajeel's words cut through the silence of the train ride to Magnolia. From the moment Freed had woken up half an hour ago, their conversation had been limited. They had discussed if they were both healthy and uninjured (they were, more or less) and how they should get home in their exhausted state. Freed had teleported them both to the train station, and runed their carriage so Gajeel wouldn't be overly affected by his motion sickness. That had been it for conversation.

Freed had hoped to keep it that way. His relationship with Gajeel was tense enough before he attacked and nearly killed him, he now expected a verbal and perhaps physical assault from the other man now. He would have deserved it as well. But Gajeel had said nothing, as if he didn't have the energy to be angry,

"Excuse me?" Freed asked, pretending as if Gajeel wasn't entirely right.

"You didn't mean to do that spell, probably didn't mean to transform yer arm either, did ya?" Gajeel shrugged, as if the statement was both uninteresting and unimportant. When Freed said nothing, he continued. "You looked scared. Scared of yerself when you hit me with the spell, and scared for me when you resuscitated me."

"I didn't want to see you injured," Freed brushed off, Gajeel did not need to know about this. "Perfectly rational."

"If you didn't wanna injure me then you wouldn't have used the spell," Gajeel shrugged, looking at Freed as Freed looked out the window. "I deserve to know what happened, City-Boy."

Freed wanted to scoff, but perhaps Gajeel was right.

"No, I didn't intend to use the spell on you," Freed admitted, watching as the night rolled past them. "You have my apologies."

He wouldn't meet the man's eyes, because he didn't need to dammit. Gajeel had spent the last three days - well, two days, since he'd changed his mood today - tormenting Freed in whatever way he could. The entire point of this exercise had been to make Freed feel small, and pathetic; well, maybe not. He could have been crueler, and he did seem to have a flimsy reasoning behind everything he had done. Either way, Freed using a single spell on him didn't suddenly make them best friends, and it certainly wasn't enough to make Freed forget what had happened throughout the week.

Frankly, perhaps Gajeel deserved it. He might have deserved to be left in the lake!

Gods.

The realisation hit Freed with force. The attempts by his demon to possess him brought a lot of anxieties up to the surface, mainly about the possibility of losing control of his body. It was a valid concern - the demon would kill everything in its way if in control - but often made him forget about the smaller repercussions of his demon's growing power.

It wasn't just physical, the demon's effect was emotional. While it grew in power, it's cruelty infected the mood of him and everyone around him. It was why he had exploded at Gajeel so many times, and perhaps the reason Gajeel was hell-bent on making this horrid for him.

Dammit, he should have known this. He should have told Gajeel that this might happen!

"I can almost hear ya thinkin'," Gajeel commented. "And I know I ain't been fair in ya, but I don't think yer some kid without restraint. So you wanna explain what happened?"

Maybe he did owe Gajeel that.

It was comical really. Now he knew his demon was to blame for his foul mood, he suddenly saw how ridiculous it all was. Gods, how hadn't he realised it before.

"My demonic take-over isn't exactly like that of the Strauss'," Freed sighed, looking towards Gajeel again. "Rather than being born with a demonic alter-ego, like Mirajane, I have a living demon inside of my soul. Technically speaking, I'm being possessed at all times, I simply have the right magic to stop it from taking over."

"Oh," Gajeel grunted, because he clearly couldn't think of anything else to say. Freed expected that, most people didn't know how to react when they were told a demon could overthrow the man next to them. "Shit."

"It is," Freed agreed. "Typically it isn't an issue. It gets stronger around the full moon, and around the shortest day of the year. When they happen to coincide, it's power grows and incidents like that happen. I should have warned you, I'm sorry."

Gajeel didn't say anything. He looked Freed up and down, clearly worried. Freed understood that.

"It won't happen again," He assured, though it wasn't exactly a promise he could keep,

"You really got a demon living in you?" He asked, and Freed nodded slightly. "How the hell did that happen?" They weren't there yet. Freed tensed a little, and Gajeel seemed to know that was a limit not to push. "You gonna be okay to keep going with this? I know I was trying to push you around but if we need to call it in, I don't think Makarov's gonna be too bothered."

"It should be fine," Freed said firmly. "It only happened tonight because I lost concentration. I won't allow that to happen again."

He wouldn't. The demon was not going to control him, nor his life.

"Well, now I know what to do if it happens again," Gajeel said, and he was smirking now. Not a condescending one, nor particularly cocky. It was to break the tension. "So if yer voice gets all creepy and yer eye all glowing, I'll knock yer ass right out before y' can blink."

"You have my eternal thanks," Freed drolled.

"These runes are fucking amazing y'know," Gajeel turned the conversation away. "Ya think you'd be able to teach the bookworm how to cast 'em. Don't think I'm gonna get on a train without 'em anymore. Finally understand why people find it relaxing."

"I don't expect so," Freed chuckled a little. "They're more complex than you'd think. Levy might not be prepared for a spell like it just yet."

"Say that to her and I think she'd hit ya," Gajeel laughed. "But if that's the case, then I might have to kidnap ya for my next mission. Ain't a problem right?"

"Well, if you're being so kind as to offer to knock me out, then I suppose I owe you," Freed smiled a little.

"Damn right ya do," Gajeel grinned right at him, sharp teeth so clearly visible. "Especially after the fun couple days we just had."

For the first time, the two men shared a laugh together.

#Gajeed #Freedjeel #Freed x Gajeel #Freed Justine #Gajeel Redfox #Fairy Tail #Fanfic #Writing #Canon Divergent #Multi Chapter #Chapter Four #Word Count: 4.4k

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one-abuse-survivor · 3 years ago

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hi, it's the milky way again

it's been a while since i've dropped something in your mailbox

i've now finished the school year and the grades and reports are coming in tomorrow or the day after. i'm kinda scared of them because i know they dropped a lot since last year but i'm pretty sure i passed most if not all of my courses so i think it'll be fine.

i started working a summer job a week ago and i'll be working the next week too. it's mostly because i need the money so i can replace my broken phone but also because we had to do some kind of job/workplace experience thing because of our school (that was voluntary though because of covid). the job pays really well so i might also get a new binder with the money since the one i have now is falling apart. on the other hand, working 8 hours a day for five days straight has really taken all of my energy and i can't listen to music while working which makes it a lot harder. the last week i've mostly been coming home in the evening, maybe eating something and going straight to bed.

(also i got my period last thursday and i hate hate hate it so much it makes everything so much worse even without the dysphoria it's just so messy and annoying to deal with)

a week ago i finally jumped over my shadow and talked to my mom but it was a huge disappointment. i'm pretty sure i couldn't get my point across in a way she'd understand and she kinda just admitted not being able to help after saying a bunch of things that really hurt. i removed myself from the situation by "going to bed" aka going to my room, locking my door and crying myself to sleep. i was just really pissed off and talking to her was kinda my last resort for when i realized i couldn't help myself anymore.

anyway, the day after that was monday (when i started working) and me, running on barely any sleep because the night before was a disaster, had to somehow survive work and i'm pretty sure i ignored or snapped at a lot of people that day which i feel kinda bad for.

on wednesday after work i talked to my mom again because i was pissed off and couldn't let it sit. she said the same kind of bs she had used on sunday and we got nowhere, since then i've probably been a lot less friendly to her but i'm just not ready to give up so much energy for her.

her favorite arguments we're things like "but others have it a lot worse" (which is a mindset i've worked on getting away from for quite a while) (also my mom was referring only to my grades with this but little does she know that the only reason why my grades aren't dropping that badly is because no matter how bad i got mentally, i yeeted stuff like self-care before school because school had always been structured and mostly clear while life in general was just. not.)

other arguments she used were "just get off your phone and set a timer for 45 minutes and concentrate on what you wanna get done" and "just pull yourself together, it's not that hard" (those were about me saying that i struggle with starting tasks and getting shit done)

lastly she also said that my expectations are just way too high and that if i didn't expect only the best from myself (this was about grades too) i wouldn't get so disappointed if i didn't get that great grade i was hoping for. and like, she's not wrong but if you've only ever been good at one thing in your entire life and you were really good at it, then you'd just expect nothing but the best from yourself because you know reaching that isn't impossible.

and she ended it with "what do you expect me to do?" and "i can't help you" and i realized later that i just should've said that she should help me get someone that *can* help me, like a therapist or something.

anyway, i'm proud of myself for finding a summer job and finally talking to my mom and not so proud of my grades and the fact that i can't seem to get the point across to my mom

thank you for creating this safe space for people like us, i wish you a happier time than the one i'm having :')

milky way here :|

got the reports and grades and stuff yesterday and i'm just :| about it. like, yea i know i'm still somewhere at the top of the class and that i'm more than one and a half grades better than some others in my class but i'm still upset about my grade in maths for example but my parents laughed/chuckled at me when i was upset and that really hurt

and afterwards my mom said something along the lines of "yes you're allowed to be stressed but because of your good grades you don't have the right to complain about being stressed" which is absolute bs and i still don't understand how having good grades disqualifies one from complaining and i'm sure as hell not gonna ask her

i just wanna scream in her face but i'm pretty sure she'd slap me if i did that

i'm almost done with my summer job and since monday noon i had the chance to work in a different part of the factory which is a lot less uncomfy to be in because it has AC and since it's not in the lab itself, i don't have to wear a hair net, an overall, steel-toed boots and rubber gloves.

today i set myself a few goals for the summer break and for the next school year and i really hope i can get through with those because it'd make future-me extremely happy

have a great great time :D

and PS: since tumblr has been eating a lot of notifs lately i missed a lot of your posts and i tried filtering by the milky way anon tag but only one post showed up. i'm not sure what's up with that tho

Hi again! Don’t worry, I got you. Here’s a link to all the asks you’ve sent up to this point: first, second, third. All of them are tagged, but the tumblr search engine isn’t exactly known for its accuracy. I use the tumblr original post finder site for this stuff, but I just realised by looking for your asks that the site takes capital letters into account, so the ones that were tagged with a capital M in Milky weren’t showing. They all do show now that I changed the M to lowercase. So I’ll have to try to be more consistent with that from now on 😅

On to your asks. First off, congrats on finishing your course! And I really hope you can replace your phone and your binder :D sorry about getting your period, though, that really sucks :(

I think the conversation with your mom that Sunday is the one discussed on the third ask I linked. I'm really sorry the same thing happened on Wednesday. It's not your fault you can't get across to her—she's the one who should be open to helping you and offering possible (actual) solutions to the problems you're bringing up to her, and not you who should spell out every single thing she can do to help you. You're not being unclear to her—she's being obtuse and refusing to listen.

You're not meant to know how to just "pull yourself together", and you're absolutely right that your grades not dropping all the way doesn't mean you're not struggling, and you still deserve help so you don't have to jeopardise your mental health for your grades. And while she's right you don't deserve to be so hard on yourself or to expect perfection from yourself, that's also something that you deserve professional help with. Again, you're not meant to know how to just turn off those emotions and thought processes.

*hugs* sorry your math grade wasn't as high as you'd hoped. It's okay to be upset and disappointed by that, and I'm so sorry they laughed at you. You do have every right to express your emotions, and you're not being unfair to anyone else for being unhappy with your own grades. I often feel the same! I get really good grades (as I think I've already said), and I also often feel disappointed when a grade isn't as high as I'd hoped. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. I'm really glad you know what your mom says is bs, because it really is. It's no wonder you feel like screaming in her face—she sounds incredibly frustrating, exhausting and invalidating to deal with. You deserve so much better than this 😔

I'm so glad you're proud of yourself! I'm really proud of you too for everything you've accomplished despite her being so unhelpful and invalidating, and I really hope you're enjoying the rest of your summer holidays and you can reach your goals! And if the occasion arises and you do end up using the "you can help me find someone who can help me" line, I hope it goes better. But if not, again, please know this is an issue of her refusing to listen, and not of you being unclear about what you need.

Sending a huge virtual hug ❤️

#ask #neglectful mother #Abusive mother #milky way anon #Covid mention #emotional neglect tw #Dysphoria mention #abusive parents #Toxic parents #Ableism tw #Dysphoria tw #Milky way anon

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janiedean · 6 years ago

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Man, you have no idea how much I hate you. I hate you so much that I’m going to force you to choose between THREE songs to analyze. “Shut out the Light”, “Gypsy Biker” and “The Promise”. I’d wish you best of luck, but I so highly dislike you, that I wouldn’t DARE to offer you such a kindness. (Also, I'm just not sure if you've analyzed any of those yet so I'm covering my bases.)

HELLO ANON THIS IS AN OLD ASK BUT SPRINGSTEEN DAY IS COMING and therefore I’m going with my favorite out of the two I had left (I’ll do the other one asap tho!

youtube

*DRUM ROLL*

So: The Promise is one of those mythical songs from Bruce’s vault, in the sense that it’s from the late seventies and everyone knew it existed to the point that it was supposed to be the title-song instead of Darkness on that record but instead he never properly published it because it was too personal and he could never find the right version, which is why there’s like fifteen different takes of it in between the one on tracks, the one on the promise boxset with all the darkness outtakes, the ten live versions and so on - basically he was reworking it for literal years. So I’m just going with my favorite version - I mean I love them all but this one to me is.. just… IT SPEAKS TO ME MORE THAN THE OTHERS? idk but I love this one above all others ;_; (I think I like that it starts slow and goes into full band while the others tend to go either all band all piano idk)

Now, context: in order to get what’s behind this, you need to know that post-Born to Run he ended up in a trial with his former manager of his first two records out of contractual reasons (tldr: the contract he signed at the beginning was shitty and the manager didn’t want to settle for new conditions he found more favorable/fair) that lasted two years and during which he couldn’t publish anything because in the contractual drama there were also song rights involved. So: it was not the best time of his life and he felt it as a betrayal of sorts since he was actually close to the guy and considered him a friend.

With that said, let’s go at it:

Johnny works in a factory and Billy works downtownTerry works in a rock and roll band looking for that million-dollar soundMe sometimes I don’t do nothing, some spend a lot of time aloneSome nights I go to the drive-in and some nights I stay home

Now: the two people in the first line are probably imaginary and they’re there to establish a situation, in the sense that factory and downtown are two types of job that he could have had and his friends could have had, while the third one is relevant to our discussion because he works in a rnr band looking for that million-dollar sound, which is what *he* was doing up until he actually published Born to Run and hit it.

And then, he doesn’t do nothing, spends time alone etc., which is (according to his autobiography too) what he was doing when he couldn’t write or record music thanks to the trial and when he was starting to hit a fairly bad phase in his life. So: he’s basically staying on his own with his thoughts. Not good.

Now: he goes to the drive-in.

I followed that dream just like those guys do way up on the screenRode down the Challenger down Route 9 trough the dead ends and all the bad sceneWhen the promise was broken, I cashed in a few of my own dreams

Key elements we have here: dreams and cars.

Now: follow that dream is the title of another seminal mythical Springsteen bootleg which also sums up a lot of his philosophy, and it’s in a few other songs of his, but in this case: he followed that dream the way people did in the movies, meaning, making music, but that can also apply to anyone trying to make their way through life following some dream they have.

Now: the Challenger is a car which is one of his most basic metaphors, and in this case he rides it ‘through dead ends and bad scenes’, but it’s kind of obvious that it’s about his music, not a car, which he brought through dead ends and bad scenes meaning all the false starts he had until he could actually publish his records.

And then the promise was broken and he cashed in a few of his dreams, meaning that when the legal drama started, he saw it as a broken promise which eventually ended up having to sell his music ie his dreams, which was not what he was hoping for when he went into the business. Actually:

Well now I built that Challenger by myself, but I needed money and so I sold itAnd I lived a secret I should’ve kept to myself, but I got drunk one night and I told itAll my life I fought the fight, the one that no man can ever winEvery day it just gets harder to live the dream I’m believing inThunder Road, here one ride in the morning till it turns lightThunder Road, there’s something dying out on the highway tonight

‘I built that Challenger by myself’ = I wrote that music by myself obviously, and ‘I needed money and so I sold it’ = ‘I signed a bad contract also to survive and bring it to the people’, but that goes into the main narrative of the *fictional character* he’s singing about who has built that car and then sold it. But what’s the real deal in this is the middle section ie I fought the fight no man can ever win + it gets harder to live the dream I’m believing in, as in, we’re back to the main themes of the album consisting in how following your dream doesn’t necessarily means getting what you want nor the end of your problems/fights (the fight that no man can ever win) and living in it can turn into a nightmare (because it gets harder).

Now: the Thunder road part in the refrain has another double meaning because it’s, again, both the title of one of his most iconic songs and the title of a noir movie (remember: he goes to the drive in and wants to live his dreams like people on a screen from before), and we have a) one ride in the morning until the light comes (hopeful imagery), b) something dying on the highway tonight (negative imagery), so that dream he achieved - or anyone else - can either end up hopeful or wrong and it can even be both at the same time, or maybe you can hope it goes well while in truth it’s wrong. Who knows. IT’S UP TO THE INTERPRETER.

Well now I won big once and I hit the coast, oh but somehow I paid that big costI feel like I was carrying the broken spirits of all the other ones who lostWhen the promise is broken you can go on living, but, man, it steals something from down in your soulLike when the truth is spoken, but it don’t make no difference, something in your heart grows coldWell I followed that dream in the southwestern flats to the dead ends and a two-bit barsWhen the promise was broken I was far away from home sleeping in the backseat of a borrowed car

And now we’re at the big guns.

‘I won big once and I hit the coast’: general enough that you can see yourself in it if it happened to you, but if you know the backstory you know it’s about him finally getting to publish his music and somehow paying that big cost anyway (count that in between that, the previous contractual conditions and having to pay off contracts and so on he was half-broke at least until the River tour);

‘the broken spirits of all the other ones who lost’: he feels like even if he won or partially won, he’s still feeling a kinship with anyone else who went through the same situation;

‘you go on living but it steals something down in your soul’: whenever someone breaks your trust in such a bad way when you were intimate friends or partners or whatever even if you go on it breaks something in you that might never change back and it’s actually… a very… universal thing I mean it’s true that if you get betrayed by someone you’re close to it’s usually a bad blow, which goes hand in hand with the ‘something in your heart goes cold’ the moment someone tells you the truth and for you it changes nothing when it should;

the final line is more his fictional character than him, but it lines up with the rest because we have again following a dream through dead ends and he sleeps in the seat of a borrowed car, because he sold the one he made with his own hands and so the breaking of that promise goes with having to sleep somewhere that’s not his and that he can’t relate to and that he feels like has been stolen from him - and he’s also far away from home ie in the place he should feel safest/more at ease.

And:

Thunder Road, here’s one for the lost lovers and all the fixed gamesThunder Road, here’s one for the tires rushing by in the rainThunder Road, remember me and Terry what we’d sayThunder Road, we’re gonna take it all and throw it all away

We’re back at the Thunder Road refrain, where it stands for: a) lost lovers/fixed games ie all the relationships he lost and all the *games* that he hadn’t thought existed before going into the business, b) tires rushing by in the rain ie an image of someone running away in a car under the rain which is not exactly a good omen but still is about getting out of a situation you don’t like, c) something he and the friend in the band used to say, which is d) we’re taking it all and throwing it all away which is the exact same idea as the it’s a town full of losers and we’re pulling out of here to win of Thunder Road’s ending, except that TR’s is optimistic, this one is more ‘we said we would do it and then look at how we ended up’. It’s probably interesting to note that Terry is also the name of the friend in Backstreets with whom the protagonist has a falling out thanks to a supposed betrayal:

Blame it on the lies that killed us Blame it on the truth that ran us down You can blame it all on me Terry It don’t matter to me now When the breakdown hit at midnight There was nothing left to say But I hated him And I hated you when you went away Laying here in the dark You’re like an angel on my chest Just another tramp of hearts Crying tears of faithlessness Remember all the movies, Terry We’d go see Trying to learn to walk like the heroes We thought we had to be Well after all this time To find we’re just like all the rest Stranded in the park And forced to confess To hiding on the backstreets

I mean, coincidences? We just don’t know, but I DON’T THINK IT’S 100% A COINCIDENCE that the name is similar and that this is the guy who gets mentioned again at least here rather than the other two. Anyway that’s me doing speculation lmao.

Anyway: this song had endless versions and it only ever was published two decades after the fact because it was Too Personal and he couldn’t find the proper, but even if it’s really personal it still manages to be relatable thanks to those key passages in stanzas 2 and 3 (the fight that no man can ever win/when the promise is broken it steals something from down in your soul) and while I don’t know if it’s The Best Springsteen song as a lot of people rightfully think (BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING GREAT SONG) it’s definitely one of the most intimate, raw and beautiful Springsteen songs exactly for how his experiences are made relatable to everyone else in a way that’s imo heartwrenching and bye I love this and I love all of the other versions and BRUCE IS GREAT OKAY? okay. ;__;

#bruce springsteen #okay this one is good enough to be tagged lmao #the springsteen birthday party 2k18 #Anonymous #ask post #bruce meta

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luciana-galvez · 7 years ago

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GIRL, I WAS WATCHING THE FINALE AND I KEPT THINKING ABOUT THIS BLOG AND I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THE FINALE.. That's if you've see it yet, of course. Sorry for all caps btw I'm just shook-

GIRL, I GET YOU. Also, you thought of me when you watched it? I love you, that is so cool!

And thanks for avoiding spoilers! (Even though I stayed away from Tumblr until after I had seen the episode, but still.) I’m in Europe so I actually only got to see it this morning, because it airs like 3am or 4am my time. I don’t really understand American TV schedules haha. :)

Anyway, under the cut you’ll find my two cents about the episode, because I feel like this is going to be a bit longer:

Speaking strictly from the perspective of an objective viewer, I really liked the episode. It wasn’t the strongest one of season three, but it made for a satisfying season finale imo, especially with the dam crashing at the end. Now, as an emotionally invested viewer that’s a whole other story but I will get to that in a minute.

The one thing I didn’t really understand is why Alicia gave up her lone wolf mission after two minutes and joined the thugs and just left her new friend like that? I mean I get that the writers needed a way for her to reunite with her family but I feel like that really undermined the moment two episodes ago where she took a stand and said she needed to be alone, which I really liked. Was there some kind of explanation that I missed for why she abandoned that plan right away?

Anyway, the elephant in the room: Troy. Man, I have very conflicting thoughts about this. On the one hand, if he had to die, I feel like the way they did it was beautifully done. If anyone had to do it, it had to be Madison. I’m pretty sure I would have been upset if anyone else had done it. There was this little moment after she hit him for the first time where he looks up at her and there’s this short moment of genuine surprise and disbelief on his face, a nanosecond of ‘how can you do this to me’, which really got me. Daniel Sharman played that beautifully. Just in general the conflict that they had was bound to happen and I thought it was very telling that she hit him right after he said ‘you understand. you understand and you see thing’ (something along those lines). Maybe I’m reading to much into this but as much as Nick and Troy shared the same self-destruction, Troy and Madison shared more than she would like to admit as well. Growing up with alcoholic parents, an abusive father. If you disregard the whole racist-parents-and-isolated-environment situation, I think Madison might also see a small glimpse of herself in Troy, of what she could have turned out to be if she wouldn’t have been able to get out of her situation by killing her father. Because after Jeremiah died we didn’t only see Troy upset, but also relieved (that whole ‘he was a drunk’ scene at his grave with Nick). And the moment Troy reminds Madison of how alike they are, of their shared ability to make the hard calls, she kills him. I just think story wise that was the best way to do it.

But that being said, obviously I had hoped that they would keep Troy alive. Listening to my morals it was hard to root for him when he brought up that the ‘Indians’ did not deserve the land, but as a viewer, I would have loved to see what the writers would do with his character in the next season. Troy was by no means the good guy, but no good TV show consists only of good guys. You need conflict, and having an arch for Troy next season (even if it’s not a redemption arch) would have definitely given the viewer interesting conflict. I feel like every single scene with Troy was interesting to watch, mostly because Daniel Sharman did such a wonderful job with the character (I’m actually convinced 80% of the sympathy for Troy stems from just how great Daniel Sharman plays him and how much charisma he brings to the role, at least that’s the case for me. I didn’t even know Sharman before, so I started season 3 hating Troy’s guts haha). I loved the dynamic between Madison and Troy, and I loved the dynamic between Troy and Nick even more. I feel like Nick and Troy understood each other in a way that Madison or Alicia would never be able to, just because they are so alike. And I feel like (that was also something they touched on in Talking Dead) Nick had been given so many chances every time he fucked up that he wanted to give Troy a chance too, you know? If he could manage to help Troy redeem himself, maybe he could be redeemed as well. Saving Troy and saving himself by proxy, basically. I think they could have both been good for each other, especially now that Troy was away from the ranch and the toxic environment there, so I’m mostly sad we don’t get to see that.

Also, writing for his character so much I also realized that I had become much more attached to him than I had expected, so even though I expected him to die I was surprisingly hard to watch. I just hope that with my stories I can turn him into someone worthy of a redemption arc.

Speaking of, what I really, really loved about season three was how well all the characters were written. Contrary to season two (or one even) there was so much ambiguity and morally gray areas. It’s the apocalypse, and I love how they don’t have clear bad guys (except Jeremiah, he can choke) and good guys, because that’s just not how an apocalypse works. As opposed to TWD where you have the Governor and Negan who are the all time evil villains, season three gave us Walker, who we thought was the bad guy and then turned out to be the one in the right. And Madison, who is arguably the main protagonist and the ‘good guy’ of the show manipulates and kills and does things that would technically define her as the bad guy. I absolutely loved that because it was so much more interesting to watch. If you’re in the apocalypse, who’s to say who is the bad guy and who is the good guy? Everyone is just trying to stay alive, and I think FTWD has portrayed that amazingly this season.

I also really like Madison. I know there is a lot of hate for her going around, but I just think her character is so interesting. I loved her development from season 1 to now, and for me it’s so refreshing to see a female lead that is not portrayed as the lovey-dovey good guy, but as a survivor who can make hard calls but who we still get to see soft moments with (how much she loves/protects her children, even though I think we can all agree it’s clear who’s her favorite lmao). That scene with Nick after she had killed Troy was amazing and so definitive for both of their characters. When Nick questioned/stated that she would put even him down if she had to. What an amazing moment. And again, it also made me wish Troy would still be around, because just as much as Nick loves his mother and feels he owes her, you can tell how hard it is for him to be around her for long periods of time. With Troy he seemed almost at ease, like he could be himself without having to pretend to be strong and responsible all of the time (like he feels he owes Madison).

Anyway, I have rambled on for quite a while now, so I’ll stop. Thank you for asking! I would love to hear what you thought of the episode as well, none of my friends watch FTWD so it’d be nice to discuss it with someone! :)

#turns out i have a lot of thoughts haha #please no hate mail people #inbox love

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troutfishinginmusic · 5 years ago

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Essay: The difficult humanity of Iggy Pop’s solo discography

Most interviewers will talk about The Stooges, maybe touch on the Bowie years and leap to whatever album Iggy Pop is currently promoting. There’s a lot of history missing in between all that.

Iggy’s solo discography, from New Values to Après, is a lot to take in. It truly runs the gamut, from radio pleas to experimental fuck-offs. I’ll try to provide nuance and context wherever possible as I go through each kind of Iggy record from this period. That said, it isn’t an easy body of work to assess.

Here comes success: Pop albums

Iggy’s attempts to fit into the mainstream are fascinating. New Values (1979) possibly had the the greatest chance to become a hit. It’s an album that does a fine job threading the needle of Iggy’s punk, avant-garde and pop sides. You don’t have to imagine too hard to see a song like “Tell Me a Story” getting radio play.

New Values also may be one of Iggy’s strongest solo albums. Songs like “New Values,” “I’m Bored” and “Five Foot One” are undeniable classics. There are few flaws to be found (I’ll get to that later).

There’s a genuine commitment to the material on Party (1981), but crossover mega-stardom proved to be elusive. It may have been hard for audiences to forget this guy making radio moves was someone who, only a few years prior, was known for rolling on broken glass.

It’s a bummer because there’s more to Party than the cover would lead you to believe. It’s a solid 80s album with more lyrical depth than what you’d find on the radio in that era. No one could argue it’s his best, but you can definitely put it on and not skip a track.

I met you out at the Mardi Gras On a French Quarter sidewalk When you kissed me, it was strong I wonder if you'll hear this song

- “Pumpin’ for Jill” from Party

Iggy lets his crooning take center stage for the first time as well. It’s more fully developed on later albums like Preliminers or Avenue B, but it didn’t have far to go. His version of “Sea of Love” on Party is one of the best, falling just short of Cat Power’s cover.

Blah-Blah-Blah (1986) is just a well-executed 80s pop record, but you do get the nagging feeling it doesn’t feel as natural as other Iggy albums. The best songs are one’s like “Cry for Love” where he brings out his incredible goth-y croon to great affect. And it’s hard to hate a song like “Real Wild Child (Wild Child)” even if it is desperately clawing at the pop charts.

Solider is solid but doesn’t quite reach the heights of the focused, but flawed, New Values. “Take Care of Me” and “I Need More” are great, straight forward punk songs. “Mr. Dynamite” is one of his better stabs at incorporating pop and avant-garde. “Loco Mosquito” is a solid pop song that slips in punk lyrics. “Get Up and Get Out” is a rare feminist song that works perfectly in its simplicity.

I'm wondering fellas if you've heard the news The chicks are sick and tired of being abused Now I saw all this on the wide screen You know that chick Bette Davis split right out of the scene

- “Get Up and Get Out” from Soldier

“I’m a Conservative” is Iggy’s tongue-in-cheek lyricism firing on all cylinders. It’s placed next to “Dog Food” where Iggy thumbs his nose up at all the stereotypes people had hung on his shoulders up to that point, for better or worse.

Cold Metal: LOUD rock albums

Iggy has consistently said how boring big dumb rock albums are in interviews, especially Nu Metal. Yet at different points he still feels a need to put up a big ugly noise, while slipping in interesting lyrics, just to prove he can. This has meant different things at different points.

If you can get past the terrible hair metal-esque cover art and seriously flawed production, Instinct (1988) is actually kind of interesting. It pales next to the Stooges albums, but if you’re more partial to the rocking side of Iggy’s career you could do worse. Some highlights include “Easy Rider,” “Cold Metal,” “Strong Girl” and “High on You.”

The worst of these “rocking” albums, and possibly his worst album overall, might be Naughty Little Doggie (1996). It’s just sort of an embarrassing slog. The best songs (like “Knucklehead”) are passable and have a nice grinding blues-y thing going on. It sounds like the album a rocker would make to stay up to date with punks in the 90s.

Naughty Little Doggie also contains some repulsive and confessional lyrics, which I’ll get to later. It’s an understatement to say this thing is probably questionable to a lot of ears, but it is important.

American Caesar (1993) is interesting. It sounds like Iggy striking a good balance between rocking out and introspection. It’s also sort of a concept record.

“Jealousy” is a great acoustic song with simmering hatred just barely contained. There’s a great “Louie, Louie” cover that adds some political commentary. “Boogie Boy” is probably his best song making fun of big dumb rock music. There are standout songs, but the thing works best when you listen to the whole thing.

Now every mornin’ I wake up at nine I'm eating cheerios with red wine I'm reading that book but it's not too good Cuz my boogie head is made outta wood It's a fact i get so much joy When i can go out and be a boggie boy

- “Boogie Boy” from American Caesar

American Caesar is very long, with a runtime of over 70 minutes. You have to be in the mood for it and ready to hang in there for the whole thing.

As I revisited all of these albums I was shocked by how much I liked Beat ‘Em Up (2001). It’s extremely heavy and extremely funny. I made the mistake of reading reviews about it before I actually listened to it. It’s much more than a big dumb rock album.

A song like “Football” does a lot of things at once and somehow succeeds. Iggy is able to make a song where he imagines himself as a football being thrown around sound oddly touching. “Mask” and “V.I.P.” are are some of his best rant-y songs in a long career of them.

Complicated crushed up disappointed squirming angry thrusting stabbing regretting starving greedy human alien being, struggling down the street, up the alley, in the elevator, through the party, to the office, in the bedroom, on your way to the morgue.

- “Mask” from Beat ‘Em Up

It’s also HEAVY. It may even be heavier than the Stooges records in some ways. Mooseman from Body Count joins his band, The Trolls, on the album to provide some great lowend (sadly it was his last album). I never thought I’d find myself getting into this album but it’s actually pretty fantastic, although a bit long.

It’s totally what The Weirdness should’ve been. With a bit of time I could see this being a bit of a cult classic. Plus it gave birth to this great performance.

Till wrong feels right: Famous collaborator albums

Brick by Brick (1990) is a well-constructed early 90s rock record and it sounds like it. It’s damn catchy, especially “Candy.” It features session pros and rock royalty from the time like Slash. It’s all executed well, but it’s not really something you’ll return to often.

One interesting song on Brick by Brick is “Butt City,” which is as goofy the title suggests but does slip in a some pretty good social commentary about racial profiling by police. This and “Mixing the Colors” from American Caesar explain Iggy’s views on race in a plain way, which was overdue.

The cops are well-groomed, with Muscled physiques in Butt Town Their tan uniforms are tailored in chic In Butt Town Any young black male who walks down the street Is going to get stopped by a car full of meat But the girl with the hair Flies by in her underwear

- “Butt Town” from Brick by Brick

Skull Ring (2003) is an album that is the epitome of hit or miss. Iggy brought in marquee punks like Green Day and Sum 41 and it actually kind of works. His Peaches collaborations on the album are fascinating but aren’t songs you’ll come back to often. Their best collaboration is a song called “Kick It” on the Peaches’ album Fatherfucker.

The bad songs with new collaborators are at least interesting. Strangely, songs with the newly reformed Stooges and previous backing band The Trolls are the ones that don’t jump out. There are a few gems like “Superbabe,” “Whatever” and “Dead Rockstar,” though.

King of the dogs: French albums

The French albums Iggy made are both stunners. They seem ridiculous on first blush but, once you get over your own preconceptions, they’re great.

Préliminaires (2009) has it’s roots in a Michel Houellebecq’s novel, New Orleans Jazz and bleak existentialism. “King of the Dogs” is such a perfectly suited cover for Iggy. “I Want to Go to the Beach” is a devastatingly minimal plea. “Party Time” is a goofy song with a very 80s propulsive bassline. I can’t say enough good things about this album.

Après (2012) is great in a lot of the same ways but is a more straight forward covers album. The selection is great. His version of Yoko Ono’s “Going Away Smiling” is perfect, though it’s hard to beat the original. There are also some great Serge Gainsbourg, Beatles and Cole Porter covers. This is definitely worth seeking out.

Buried in a melting coffin: Experimental albums

It’s been resurrected with the documentary Gimme Danger, but most don’t think about the Stooges being one of the first noise rock bands. This is apparent in some of their discography, but the very early version of the band (when they were called the Psychedelic Stooges) supposedly sounded like The Melvins. Iggy even played the vacuum during shows. There are no recordings from this period. This is all relayed by Iggy in many different interviews. He was also very closely associated with the Andy Warhol crew and drew from a variety of boundary pushing influences as a record store clerk in Ann Arbor. In his solo discography, this willingness to push boundaries comes out on occasion.

Zombie Birdhouse (1982) was recorded in Haiti, following Party. It’s a very difficult album to unpack, so I’ll do so carefully. Imagine Iggy made his version of David Bowie’s Lodger album, at least in terms of lyrical content. Most of the album revolves around the idea of an American in a place he doesn’t understand. It’s the most political thing he ever recorded.

The opener “Run Like a Villain” depicts America bombing its poorer adversaries. It’s a wonder that he rarely ever made songs like this since it’s so effective. For example:

Big Dick is a thumbs-up guy He shot a missile in the sky It functioned just as advertised Until the fire made him cry

“Run Like a Villain Zombie Birdhouse

“The Villagers” is a bit hard to take but it fits the tourist theme of the album. “Watching the News” is a super experimental song about Iggy doing just that in a very uncomfortable, but effective way. “Ordinary Bummer” and “Platonic” are solid ballads. The best songs are the uptempo “Eat or Be Eaten” and “The Horse Song.” The ladder has these crazy drone-y parts that are molded into something insanely catchy. I’d submit it as one of the best songs he’s ever done.

This is such a vastly underrated album that was sadly undercut a bit by the production at the time. That’s since been improved on the remastered version, which I can’t recommend enough.

Avenue B (1999) is very reflective. It’s jazzy and slower moving than most of his discography. My guess is that his new album, Free, is going to be very similar to this based on the songs that have been released so far. That’s a good thing.

Collaborators like John Medeski provide a great foundation for Iggy’s lyrics to be on full display. Everything from acoustic guitars to bongos crop up, creating a subdued and gentle springboard to dive off.

You can tell Avenue B was an album he wanted to make for a long time. It explores a lot of difficult things. From being in love with fascist to the problems of a relationship with a much younger woman.

This is a course corrective from Naughty Little Doggie, picking up where “Look Away” left off. It’s the beginning of Iggy becoming a bit more accountable for his past. There are still some cringe-y moments, especially on the otherwise great “I Felt the Luxury,” that don’t age well. But, on the whole, it’s honest and the start of a new chapter.

(Don’t) look away: Contradictions and skeletons

You don’t have to look hard through Iggy’s solo discography to find "problematic” lyrics. The messages aren’t always handled well but they’re more honest than anything you’ll find on a typical rock record. That’s an important distinction.

Confessions

There’s a sense of willful forgetfulness rock fans have about teenage groupies. Every now and again I’ll hear a movie like Almost Famous called “dated,” even though that’s totally what happened at the time. While many thinkpieces point to the fact that there were laws in place that made this illegal at the time, they totally miss the point about public perception on this issue. Just because there is a law on the books doesn’t mean people will care or follow it. This wasn’t just a rock star problem, even if it’s easier to tell ourselves that.

Pretty much every rock icon you can name from the 80s and earlier has this skeleton in their closet. Iggy is no different in this regard.

The difference maybe is honesty. “Look Away,” from the album Naughty Little Doggie, is a very unpleasant but real song. It doesn’t romanticize the power imbalance and lays it out simply in the first line.

The song discusses Iggy’s relationship with Sable Starr and her subsequent doomed relationship with Johnny Thunders. You’re not going to hear a confession like that on an album by Jimmy Page or the Eagles, even though they have more reason to clench up about the topic. Honesty doesn’t make it easy, though. In Iggy’s own words in the song “What we did once, I wouldn't do again.” Hopefully that’s true.

I don’t excuse any of this, it’s terrible. Especially on an album with a creepy, leering song like “Pussy Walk.” Naughty Little Doggie is a difficult album to sort out. Yet it does lay bare all the downsides of the glam lifestyle (which in many ways he was a part of) and abandons any mythologizing about it. I do think we can discuss these things and learn from them, but I would never recommend anyone buy this record. If you want a reason to not listen further, this is it.

The flip side is that Iggy has been an ardent supporter of feminist art throughout his career and obviously didn’t see creeping on teen girls as a contradiction. He should’ve known better and been held accountable, along with scores of other artists from his era. We know better now.

It seems he does too and has been working to change this prior to the metoo era and has never tried to act like something he’s not. In recent years he has made a tangible efforts to correct these past mistakes, which I don’t see other artists from his era doing. He has recently raised money for the Girls Rock Camp Alliance charity. He’s championed independent female artists like U.S. Girls, Pins, Le Butcherttes, Noveller and countless others. Small steps, but steps nonetheless.

Race

On the whole Iggy been way ahead of the curve on race politics, but has one awfully ignorant song on his album New Values. His views are made a bit clearer on American Caesar and Brick by Brick, but this is still something worth discussing.

In pretty much every interview he’s given he’s made sure to promote the black music that gave birth to rock and roll. Early in his career he backed black musicians as a drummer and has collaborated with them throughout his career. He drew influence from traditions that weren’t his own and made something totally unique. He didn’t steal from other cultures. That’s far ahead of the time.

What isn’t is a song like “African Man” which was either intended to be edgy or goofy, but just ends up being kind of racist. There’s no way around that. It’s just a terrible song that ruins the near perfect New Values. It’s a fucking bummer it was ever recorded and I sincerely hope it doesn’t give someone the idea that it’s funny to say something like that.

I would chalk this up to ignorance that a good deal of white people had at the time. Movies and cartoons depicted Africans as savages and cannibals. I think this is what he was trying to replicate and possibly parody. For someone who supposedly had an interest in social anthropology early in life, I’m surprised he would utilize a stereotype that blatant. This makes me personally think it was supposed to be a parody. There comes a point where none of that matters, though. It sadly ends up giving comfort to those who hold backwards views on race.

I’d love to actually know his thoughts on this stuff, but no one actually asks about it in interviews. It’s frustrating because it’s an issue he gets right more often than not. It’s better to confront these things than to pretend they don’t exist. I think that’s the only way forward.

There is one moment where he does apologize for accidentally using a dated term in a past interview. Maybe that’s a good indication of how he feels today.

Break into your heart: Conclusions

It’s hard to write objectively about an artist who means a lot to you. I tried for years to figure out a way to do this coherently (it probably didn’t end up working). I saw a few OK lists spring up dissecting some of these albums, but they always seemed to just graze the surface. There was always something lacking.

They missed the honesty and humanity on display through a long and complicated career. They would mythologize the usual parts. They would gloss over the difficult parts. They would diminish the efforts for something better.

To me Iggy was a catalyst that didn’t just birth a movement for disengaged youths to stick safety pins through their noses. It was much more than that. He opened a door for marginalized people to scream about the oppression they face daily. He promoted difficult and confrontational art. He is a mirror for America’s best and worst impulses.

For me, and many others, his life represents a struggle to survive and keep getting better. He’s survived bad reviews, severe drug addiction, divorces and a host of other things. There’s something so powerful to that simple notion of getting back up after falling hard that many times. I think that’s why, despite his flaws, people still care.

It’s been difficult to grapple with some of the regrettable parts of his discography. I think everyone is doing that now with their record collections in some way. There are no easy answers. It really comes down to how you want to engage with art and commerce. I’m not going to preach to you or tell you how you should interact with art. Iggy Pop is a lot of things, but above all else he is transparent. I can live with that.

After some deserved success and recognition with Post Pop Depression, he’s ready to step out on a limb with his new album Free. I can’t wait to hear it.

#Iggy pop

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