#but if im not stable enough or not able to take care of the child without causing them to worry abt their stability by my 30s then i wont do

[literalite]

marlo velasco for @rainymoodlet's rock of love!

hii formally introducing marlo after showing them in cas first lmao i'll stick all their info and some bonus pics under the cut :3

they're filipino, nonbinary (using they/them pronouns), and androsexual- for simplicity's sake they sometimes just say they're gay

traits: erratic, hot-headed, creative likes: alternative and metal music, competency, a good discussion, wellness, getting everything just right, being praised(.......), a good visual contrast, travelling, friendly competition, hard workers, vintage artwork, and of course tattoos fhgjhkjkl dislikes: modern decor, elitism, people who lack drive or who follow tradition, being told what to do, stupid questions, green eyes, makeup, phones or cameras or honestly most modern technology, softening their tone in any way, uncomfortable shoes

quick well that was a fucking lie bio:

only child to two very conservative parents, had a very testy relationship with them both throughout their teens and young adulthood. currently no contact with them both

learnt how to tattoo in their teens and joined a tattoo and piercing shop as an apprentice at 21. they met both their ex husband and their current best friend, risa there

married their ex at 25, was truly in love with him despite being deeply unhappy in other aspects of life

came out and began transitioning at 29, which strained their marriage as he tried and failed to accept their true self as opposed to the "woman" he had signed up for

he convinced them to try for having a kid in order to save their relationship shocker, that did not work so mickey was born

after three years they divorced- admittedly marlo was not a stellar parent and left mickey mostly in her father's care while they moved on from working at the original tattoo shop, eventually seeing their kid for only a weekend per month

at 35 opened their new shop Purgatory Tattoos with their best friend risa as co-owner

two years ago, they got a call in the middle of the night, from their ex who immediately started shouting down the line at them for "corrupting" their 11 year old into thinking that she's a girl. they immediately drove the few hours to go pick mickey up and filed for custody the morning after

marlo's relationship with mickey was initially understandably pretty rocky, with marlo being really awkward around their own daughter and mickey obviously being distrustful of them. in years since, they've grown a lot closer, with marlo now really appreciating the work it takes to raise a kid. they're still very anxious about being a "good" parent though, having totally lacked for any role models

has sort of dated around since breaking up with their husband, but hasn't been able to commit to anything serious what with their focus on keeping their business running and the residual sting of a long and painful loss both emotionally and financially from their ex

signed up for this at risa's insistence and also thinking that it'd be nice for mickey to grow up with a more stable and loving environment than they did

fun facts:

they're pretty much tone deaf but nevertheless enthusiastic about karaoke much to their neighbours' detriment

for their employees and apprentices, they're known as kind of a hardass, especially in comparison to risa, but being under their guidance improves skills x10

lactose intolerant but im not wasting a trait slot on that LMAO

used to have piercings, but took their facial ones out years ago because they'd all been done by their ex- all the holes have since closed up

has pretty much no social media presence aside from their shop's instagram account, on which they've got no photos of themselves, not even a candid in the background of a shot. doesnt know wtf a tiktok is even though mick keeps begging them to do dances with her?

can't imagine moving away from tomarang even though they love travelling overseas. a big goal is getting enough money together to take mickey on a big holiday abroad

here are some pics of them and their daughter, mickey! she's 13, trans, she/her pronouns. due to their long estrangement, mickey calls them "lo" instead of any other term

[wszczebrzyszynie]

hello! i've seen you've mentioned the sibling relationship between przemek and lena in your last post and the topic seems really interesting. would you have some time to get into it more? or are there any already published posts of yours talking about them?

truth be told i dont remember what i talked about already on here exactly but im pretty sure this will be the first Przemek-Lena relationship mini essay to post. well either way as always its under the cut and thank you for being interested in my ocs 💐😊 if dns was real (a real piece of media not a real story) and for some reason started doing huge numbers i firmly believe Lena discourse would be the most divisive

Lena is at the beginning the only person in Przemeks life he gets to somewhat depend on; despite her being younger (Przemek is 17/18, and Lena is around 15), in his eyes she was an anchor to him of sorts, someone to hang out with, and, once he gets hired, someone to come back to. While both of them are very family-oriented in general, the relationship they have with one another was for the longest time most important to them, and went back to back with both their ages (theyre the closest in age compared to the rest of the family) and their closely shared experiences, compared again to their other siblings - after Przemeks accident, it was Lena who took care of him the most (their father has already passed away at that point, their mother wasnt exacty capable of doing that at that point in time (after which Przemek became her favourite of sorts; she latched onto caring for him after the worst has already passed, not out of malice, but more as a hm, compensation, and out of guilt). This post accident time is the most meaningful moment that formed their relationship going onwards, establishing Lena as a sort of... caretaker figure in his mind, someone who didnt leave him and who he could depend on. For Lena this wasnt exactly the case - while she wants her family to be able to depend on her, in her mind it was a more equal relationship, she saw Przemek as the same as her; they both had to navigate their family falling apart as young children, had to take care of themselves and of each other, having to mature too fast, lived through Przemeks accident together, and now got to go into life with all that baggage. They were never fully honest with each other, and never talked anything through, but they didnt have to, as the idea of their relationship they had in their heads was enough for them. This disonance is what sets the stage for Przemeks overarching arc

Him leaving to work in the palace was different for both of them. For Lena it was loosing a part of herself, the only person she thought could understand her, but she was willing to go through it knowing its for greater good. For Przemek it was a lot of regret and fear of other people, lacking the person he depended on. And while Lena, who now is deemed the dependable one for good, the most stable pillar in their family, stays the same at their family home, Przemek gets to change and grow after meeting new, often outcasted and strange people. They both start as tools to be used and be useful, but where Lena stays that way even in her brothers eyes to some extent, Przemek doesnt. In some way, the role he made Lena fit into in his head, was instead taken by Ryba, in a much clearer and reciprocated way. Przemeks unability to see Lenas struggles, him putting her on the pedestal, someone to save him, despite her still being a child, is mirroring the way their mother sees Przemek; something he recognizes she does, something that makes him into such a mess in the first place, but doesnt do so in himself and his treatment of Lena. With Ryba on his side this issue doesnt reappear - they start as strangers, in a vastly different enviroment, and even when they end up codependent on each other, its more similar to the way Lena saw Przemek, than the way Przemek depended on her. And, under Rybas influence (and Mikitas unbearable behaviour), Przemek gets to start mentally leaving his depressing family home

Its Przemeks slow change that starts triggering the rift between them; it esentially questions the before unquestioned status quo of the siblings relationship. Przemek leaves his home for a month, comes back for two days, and leaves again. And in those two days every time it feels like he comes back a different person. Hes not afraid anymore, or at least, not of the palace, but starts being anxious over his home. Hes more open about it, too, at least to Lena. He grows less reserved, more content and, generally, more happy. While in the beginning she is able to ignore it, after each visit she slowly realizes shes being left behind. To her, this is losing a part of her life that was constant, that she too could depend on; something that made everything less dull, someone she loved and who loved her, as cold and tough as that love often was. Shes becomes disgusted by her brother - to her, hes getting weak, hes selfish, and even if hes now happier, she wasnt allowed the same chance. Instead of now sharing their pain together, she is now completly alone, being abandoned by the only person she thought understood her. And this resentment is something that carries on even after he apologizes; she cannot fully forgiving him now that she knows they are not and were never the same. While it never was Przemeks full responsibility, he made her feel completly alone in a house she already was a ghost in, and all he can do now is work to become someone she could trust again; and all she can do is try to move on. She never sees him off when hes about to go back to work after that, always leaving first on her own terms

[vegafan69]

☆ aaron headcanons !!

sfw and nsfw !! i louv aaron sm omg stop i need more of him he's so kitten kawaii nya daddy alpha sigma

sfw ;;

he loves motor racing games, driving ruthlessly during battles but never in real life. beats the fuck out of the honk button whenever someone annoys him on the streets

he had to save up money and toggled jobs a lot as a kid (canon) and he feels bad for not being able to buy elliott and himself nice food and toys. now that he’s financially stable, he randomly sends eli some money as a treat. he just says it’s a treat but truly he just wants to make up for the past (WAHHHHHHHH)

he hates alcoholics thanks to his mom

he tries to take care of smartass, eli and sunshine cause he never had a father figure :(

he’s actually really good with children, he knows how to care and make them stop crying. he might seem a little annoyed at a child crying but they make him really soft

he likes being the little spoon occasionally

he’s allergic to dogs but wants one :3 he would get a beagle or a chihuahua

he started to actually learn to make food after moving in with smartass. he’s not bad at it but he often overdoes the seasoning

he has brown curly ish hair, and smartass likes to twirl it

aaron started to catch feelings for smartass after a few heart to heart convos :3 <3

aaron have had many people, especially boys have crushes on him during high school. but he was always occupied with taking care of himself and elliott, therefore never had time to think of crushes.

(pre dating) smartass cried silently during work once. aaron let them cry in his shoulders, his back backed against a hidden corner in the office. that was the moment where he realized he felt more than just ‘hatred’ for them.

aaron has/had (?) a heart to heart convo with sunshine, hearing how soft and gentle they are with elliott makes him happy and somber, regretting some of the times he yelled at his lil bro (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞

nsfw ;;

he loves teasing and frustrating his brat, tugging their hair backwards and humiliating them ;) he can humiliate this pussy anytime

DADDY KINK. I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW HARD HE GETS WHEN HE CALLS HIMSELF DADDY. DADDY I’LL TAKE UR COCK SO WELL OH MY GODDDD.

“You wanna be a good slut for daddy?” YES DADDY I WILL BE A GOOD SLUT FOR YOU OH MY EIWOSOCPWPJDDKHDKSHDEJDH

spanking and random hits on the skin :3

his body melts once being overstimulated, unable to speak a word

they both have thought of fucking each other so badly (when smartass was still under aaron’s management). they both would get REAL angry and horny when they get off work

smartass notices aaron’s neck and hands a lot - and he knows it. he wears nice necklaces and rings to get their attention almost daily. and he occasionally takes them off too cause it’s hot. im doing it are you

smartass begged to put a toy in him. he let them. he liked it but will not admit it. get pregnant bossman

he would have glasses of water next to the bed. cause you need to hydrate during sex 🤓☝️

taglist @mokozroach @dukecollinsbf @infinitelovewiithoutfulfilmentt @everything-redacted00 @laskosprettygirl @achios @porters-fangs @ilovealotofwomen @jaxfart @lexdoesntdraw @chmease @darlin-collins @annahxredaxted @breezysuffers @ashertickler

[fipindustries]

my own opinions on the matter:

taylor has surprisingly shown to be a decent enough caretaker to aidan, although i feel this goes slightly against her characterization otherwise. if we hadnt had the character of aidan written in worm and ward i would have guessed she would do a terrible job raising children. she would have way too high expectations for them and pressure them to become survivors almost as much as she pressures herself. but canon seems to dissagree with this so.

blake would be a great older brother, like his dinamic with evan showed, but a lot of it was by virtue of evan being a bird and thus not requiring the same needs as a full human child. i think blake lacks the stability and reliableness to be a good father and he would hate being tied down to another person like that

sy, a deceptively good father i would say. everything in the story shows us that this guy is an absolute bastard BUT, he does care about children. he cares about children A LOT. he can show a softer kinder side when he really wants to and he can mold himself to occupy the rol of a good father if he felt he needed to. i have no doubt he would be able to raise good, smart, healthy, strong, emotionally stable kids who would be... perhaps a little TOO loyal to father dear. if he doesnt go completly insane first.

victoria, she is a good mentor, she might even be a good caretaker as long as its not a 24/7 job but i dont see her as the best mom tbh. this is going to sound horrible and im probably biased but she would be a slightly less bad version of carol. too married to her job, too filled with trauma and baggage. i dont think she would even want to be a mom.

the kennet trio, im doing them collectively because lets be honest, that is just how they operate in general and also because honestly, out of the entire group they would be the best moms, by a longshot. i mean, this is the boring answer, obviously yes theyd be great moms, anything anyone of them might lack when it comes to raising a child the other two would compliment. any kids they have would all be like brothers and sisters amongst themselves. they would have all of kennet to take care of them. i could see verona having a hard time being on the same wavelength as their kid as she is too busy with her work, i could see avery being a little to distracted going around the world and missing important details about their kids, i could see lucy being a little too harsh or strict but overall they would ace it.

[nietr]

i really hope you have a good day and nobody has to go through the grief on par with what i have gone through, losing the mother and love of your life before said child even reaches the age of 2....

I will forever hold this heartbreak.

like, having your heart broken by breakup is hard, it hurts.. but be thankful for all the loved ones in your life. you never know when their last day on earth could be, or when yours could be.

Everyone thinks they're the main character and nothing like that will happen to them, or if it does it will be far, far in the future or they will have some kind of time to prepare somehow.

sometimes, maybe you won't. it is the worst pain you could possibly go throug emotionally.

I hope everyone is having a good, stress-free or mostly stress free Monday.

As for my mutuals, I see you, and I do enjoy seeing your likes pop up, i do notice you all.

I just wanted to spread some love while im sitting here grieving a little bit.

This has been the hardest year of my life. I lost my baby mama, I had to go to rehab so I could get full custody of my son, which I had no problem with but it sucked having to be in rehab with no support at all and missing my son, get clean and off drugs and stop partying for good, and then come home and take care of my son full time until he can go to school because i dont have money for daycare and all that (which I love, don't get me wrong, but I have no time to do any kind of adult stuff at all so that gets rough, I get cabin fever a lot) and I did this all while freshly grieving my loss. Right now I can't even get a part time job because I have to stay at home and watch my son. Nobody in my family is in stable condition to watch a two year old, my grandma just had a stroke even.. she jus got out of the hospital a few days ago.

I swear, my family is cursed. I have a lot of family members that have passed away and it sucks... luckily my son is the light of my life and he gets my everything.

And if anyone wishes to donate to me, as times are hard right now. The only benefits I get is a survivors benefit cheque every month and its just enough to pay for bills, essentials, etc. If anything ever came up, I'd never be able to afford anything. I'm not asking, or begging, or building a sob story. I could just use help and I know some people have a lot more than they need and its their right to hold onto it if they want. That's your money. But if you wish to help somebody in need, and vaguely know them, my cashapp is ~ $N7Tr.

Love u guys.

iono, just thought id ramble for a sec, needed to just... vent. thatisall

[abrushwithdeath]

@lediableblanc-amoureuxdechats

Continued from here !

She knew she was being a bit of a bitch. In hindsight, she wouldn't feel great about it- the poor nurse was only trying to do her job. But Rogue was angry. And scared.

If Remy had been under Hank's care, not only would she know he was okay, but he'd be with other mutants like himself and she'd be at his side right now. Instead, he was stuck in a hospital. A normal, every day, hospital. And she didn't trust a damn soul in this place with his care if they knew what he was. Add to that that they weren't letting her in to see him…

Oh, her anxiety was through the damned roof. And that meant her temper was getting there, too.

"Miss, it's against policy-"

Rogue pointed a gloved finger directly at the nurse, this simple action (coupled with her tone and the expression she wore) enough to get the other woman to stop talking. "I know. It ain't visitin' hours. I ain't his wife. I'm not family. So you won't lemme see 'im. But I'm tellin' ya- that's my man in there. An' I ain't movin' from this spot 'til ya let me in t'see 'im. Ya understand me? So you can take yer policies an'-"

Her eyes snapped towards the door at that sound. Remy had hit the call button and alerted the nurse to his need for something. Rogue's heart raced.

The nurse quickly excused herself then... had to shut the door in Rogue's face because she had followed the nurse closely, as if thinking she could sneak right in behind her. Which, of course, didn't work and left the southerner practically fuming. She was right there on the verge of stomping her foot like an angry child or, worse, kicking in the door. Why the hell couldn't they just let her in? Just for a couple minutes. Just long enough to check on him. To see him. (To... probably then refuse to leave his room, all things considered.)

But she needed to know: Was Remy okay? Were they treating him well? Was the nurse being kind? Or was she the type to be short and bitter with him all because of his eyes? Oh, if that was the case…

Her foot tapped rapidly against the floor, and the sounds of the rest of the hospital still busy at work were starting to grate on her. Too loud. Too much. Too crowded. She felt it in her stomach, in her chest, a pressure at the back of her head that made her feel like she might explode…

She just wanted to see Remy. Even if she had to make a scene. There wasn't a soul who'd be able to keep her from him.

Yet she still took a small step back to let the nurse out of the room when the door opened. Except, the woman didn't shut the door behind herself this time…

Rogue's eyes narrowed at her.

"He said to let you in," The nurse explained, though she didn't seem too happy about it. Maybe she was just frustrated that she'd argued with Rogue all that time for nothing. Or maybe she was just tired of the whole situation. Rogue… hadn't been making it easy on her.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Rogue asked. Then, realizing she was being snarky despite getting what she wanted, she felt a bit of shame. Her next words were said more genuinely. "Thank you. I'm just worried 'bout 'im..."

"I know," Was the only answer back before the nurse walked away and Rogue was stepping into Remy's room, shutting the door behind herself.

She breathed a sigh of relief as the door clicked closed, then she raised her gaze to look at Remy. Her Remy. Lying in a hospital bed. Patched up. IV in his arm. Oxygen being fed to him through a cannula. They hadn't told her what was wrong with him, just that he was stable. He was alive.

Her chest tightened as she stared at him, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to start scolding him for his recklessness or if she just wanted to kiss him. 

She couldn't kiss him, unfortunately, so a bit of scolding was in order. (Besides, it was always easier to express herself through anger...)

"Remy Etienne LeBeau, you reckless idiot," There was some fire behind her words, arms crossed, that stern look finally spreading across her face as she approached his bed. Brows furrowed. Lips pursed. Jaw clenched. There were about a thousand things she wanted to say to him, but they were all bouncing around in her head a thousand miles per hour and she was having trouble sorting them out. So the silence that followed that first sentence wasn't because she wanted to be silent, it was because she was struggling with what to say next.

Her eyes moved from him to take in the room, as if searching for anything to be wary of. Any signs of tampering or cruelty. She saw nothing of the sort, but that didn't mean she wasn't still slightly on guard. What she did find was a chair near his bed. One that she dragged even closer, seating herself so near to him that her knees were bumping that hospital bed frame that cradled his mattress. 

Now that she'd had a second to sort her thoughts, she was back to speaking. Whether that was a good thing for Remy or not, she wasn't quite sure yet. "What were you thinkin'? Goin' out there by yerself. Ya coulda been killed!" She quickly raised a finger to stop him from chiming in despite her question- speaking was probably hard for him right now. She would do the speaking, instead. "Ya can't go doin' stupid stuff like that, ya hear me?" And there, finally, was that wavering in her tone that gave away the fear she'd felt. The bit of relief that she was holding onto for the fact that he was alive. "If you'd've died, I woulda brought ya back just t'chew ya out for it." And, she wasn't a religious woman, but god help whoever the hell managed to kill Remy LeBeau, because they'd have to face her.

She reached out towards him, trying to keep her hand steady. Carefully, she placed one hand against his. The other found itself moving up, fingers gingerly brushing through his hair. She just needed to touch him. Even with the fabric of her glove between. She needed to feel him beneath her fingertips. She was quiet again, just for a few seconds, just long enough to watch him, to calm her racing heart.

When she spoke again, her voice was softer. "Ya ain't leavin' me. Not like that. Got it? Ya want outta this relationship, yer gonna have t'do better'n tryin' t'get yerself killed," A joke. A small one, maybe ill timed, but it was an attempt, nonetheless.

[cyeayt]

Passing on @mapleejay’s love for Tim to you to talk about. Amaze my buddy with your Thoughts <3

I have so much to say about Tim my blorbo of all time I think of him near constantly but a kinda new rhetoric I’ve been thinking in lately is Tim and Trust. disclaimer this is shot through with so many hcs but yeah

I think that Tim struggled a lot when he was younger to get people to take him seriously or to trust him to get jobs done, which is a really sucky feeling especially cause young tim was probably genuinely silly and liked making jokes but it only hurt his attempts to be seen as more than the clowny problem child. i also think hes had anger issues his whole life which cannot have helped.

which brings us to danny. i ascribe to a very 'head in the lions mouth' type view of tims family, that being that their parents dont really trust tim and see him as a bad influence on danny, but that the two brothers had a very strong relationship and bond despite and even because of that. i think that Danny was sort of the first person to really actually trust Tim, to see his as a stable and reliable presence, or even just to really care about the whole of him as a person.

and in Tim's view, he failed his brother, betrayed his trust by letting him die (inaccurate but tell me Tim doesn't think this). in a once again very htlm way, tim was left without support afterwards. his exit from his publishing job was likely messy, his anger and grief going beyond the accepted boundaries. i also think that he was probably considered a suspect in dannys disappearance, which, once again, belies a lack of trust in him as a person but also a lack of trust in him as a big brother.

i think he was in a really bad place before the institute. i hc him as having so many different issues during that time, but essentially having given up and not seeing the point in continuing... until he latched onto this idea of avenging his brother, which became a fixation in his mind.

i see an image of him interviewing at the institute, hair freshly cut and wearing a button up for the first time in months, stiff and out of practice with his charm but its not like there's anyone whos stuck around long enough to be able to tell.

and heres where jon and sasha come in. now, i dont really think any of them trusted each other with everything, maybe not even significant. but the potential was there. they did good work together, and jon trusted him or at least his research enough to bring him to the archives

im pretty sure he was gutted when jon suspected him,

and then no one trusted him to know about the unknowing or to be able to help and they saw him as this unstable wild card,

and it just drives me insane uughhhhh

last little ramble, he also to me kinda embodies this vibe of like, being upset when people dont trust you but then failing to hold trust you're given? its a really awful feeling, like everyone was right when they said you couldnt handle it, and you wanted to prove them wrong so bad but you failed anyway.

i half hc/half remember that part of the not-them horror for the people who dont remember the person is a sort of uncanny low level torment where its like you dont know them anymore or never knew them at all? and so tim would have felt like he was losing sasha at that time too?

[grievedifferent]

Are you planning on making a return? I miss seeing you on my dash but I know you're busy! I hope you can come back soon <3

hey thank you and sorry it took me a few days to get to this so i hope you see it, but yes! read more for an explanation of our crazy life atm --

im currently balancing a lot for our business as it's growing quickly and we currently travel a lot -- we basically (usually) have 1-2 cons a month and generally have a few weeks at home to recover, make new products, restock, work on patreon, etc as well as tax season was happening (our first year filing taxes for the business! we actually made profit but like 22,000 went into products like charms, prints, scents, travel, lodging etc so it's like...getting there if that makes sense, we make enough to live but still have a family unit so we're "making money" enough to do this full time, but we have to travel a lot as we build our online brand, and start to really make a profit to where we don't have to travel as much) --

i know this is long-winded but i hope it makes sense to my absence not being lack of interest, im literally surrounded by fandoms all the time at cons, have to watch anime now for a living bc we have so many series to catch up with -- a lot of times i am traveling 11-38 hour drives and i am doing those drives in 1-2 days. minimal breaks, minimal sleeping, all so we can get there and back efficiently (i drive safely, i just have an insane amount of stamina idk i can't explain it)

on top of that, we have four animals and take care of our (otter's) grandma who is getting older, so this job is ideal to take care of her, and we are just under two years in, so we're still babies in the industry despite otter's immense experience and talent. to allow otter to draw all the time, which is a huge bulk of our draw, profit, and the reason we are even doing cons (thus me doing scents, etc), i take care of the house which means cooking, cleaning, driving, etc. i am also the only active driver of our house. i also have my mother in kentucky as i am an only child, and she has some issues that require a lot of attention when she is not able to participate in reality, but she is stable now so i am trying to work on our relationship and be active in her life as she also supports us when we have emergencies.

i have a lot on my plate. we are making a manga still, which is being requested heavily, and my scents and soaps are taking off, so my time is split a lot, as well as trying to write fanfic to help me better write a full story start to finish, so im really stretched thin, but i really really love you all, so im so sorry and i am planning to return !!!!!

tldr i am so busy rip :'((

[papirouge]

Some of these hypergamy and leveling up blogs are awesome and i really recommend them! Women encouraging other women to raise their standards and to love themselves, alongside bettering themselves and their circumstances is really good. However, ive found out that some of these are literally pushing women to be basically sugar babies. Some are telling women to look for older men to be with, because they have built fortune while younger men usually struggle or are straight up lazy. I visited one of these blog of a 'christian' woman who said to put God before anything, but then she would talk about sugaring and about being with married men 💀 I dont get it.

Im sorry, but i want to be with a man my age and not some crusty old man who could easily be my dad. Like i dont want to be at my 50s or 60s changing my husbands diapers, or for him to barely being able to play with our kids. Like yeah, some young men can be irresponsible or jsut inexperienced, but ill rather wait than waste my younger years with some old fart for his money.

I really worry these blogs are ultimately setting impressionable girls up for failure. And using the faith to try to justify these things ugh... I can't....

I am hardly surprised to see blogger jumping on the hypergamy bandwagon encouraging such awful lifestyle...

Sugaring ≠ hypergamy. Technically, hypergamy is about looking for a high value partner.... High value men don't go after sugar babies.... Only predators, sex pests and weirdos. Money isn't enough to define a high value man. Sugaring is NOT dependent on the daddy intrinsic value as a romantic partner. And unlike hypergamy, sugaring excludes the idea of marriage, so it's a very shortsighted plan.

I know an hypergamy/levelling up channel that tackled the topic of dating older and summed up the pro and the cons. Basically she said that you had more chance to find a HVM in older age range because wealth accumulates with time and there are only few zoomer/millennial aged HVM. Plus, since men mature at a slower pace than women, older men are better suited for long lasting/stable relationships when getting older. The cons are of course about the child bearing thing firsthand : bearing a child who'll be adulting when their dad is an eldery isn't ideal. Also, let's get real: very few older men keep their looks like that....(as toxic this culture might be, beauty culture compels women to take better care of themselves and therefore age better).

I recommend you to be EXTREMELY selective with the so called hypergamy channel you might stumbled on. Some weirdos saw this as an opportunity to grift while providing piss poor advice that'll bring you a lot of problems. Also: true hypergamist will NEVER call themselves as such (that would make them fumble the bag 🥴) so you better avoid any channel/bloggers branding themselves as such....

[loopy4lu]

people always expect those around them to be quiet, not affect them. thats the standard we face today. everyone has separate lives and you have to work to share yours with someone else otherwise you "talk to much" and are "too self centered". gone are the days where you could run up to someone, ask their name, ask how many siblings they have, ask if they want to go on the swings. gone are the days where you could be yourself and spread joy into the world. as we grow, we are expected to quiet down. maturing is synonymous with losing your sense of self.

young children get focus and care from their parents and family, but once they reach preschool theyre just one child in a room of many. you cant expect to much. reaching primary school means you are now apart of a class where everyone learns at a similar pace. what if you get left behind? what will happen to you? what if you achieve to highly? we are taught to blend into the masses. fin into the middle ground unless you want to be called out, and being called out is bad. youre just one kid afterall. when you get to highschool you realise how new and scary the world is while youre heading into adulthood. the teachers are so busy. they have so many classes. you are just one student of hundreds. you are no longer the priority unless you can prove your worth. no matter how hard you try there will always be teachers who dont care. theyll treat you like the rest. you dont want to be like the rest anymore. the rest were mean. they hurt you.

you cover up youre pain. there isnt focus on you anymore. youre "mature" now. you can handle this yourself. spending days and days trying your hardest to keep friends, consistently achieve high enough results to get attention while being dismissive of it to avoid the negative connotations of succeeding. you keep it all in. bottle it all up. disguise yourself in a more easy to handle form. that form will break though. the cracks already show around the scars lacing your limbs. you try to cover up. youre mature. you can handle this. asking for help is wrong.

be quiet. sit down.

the cracks spread. you cant handle this. why arent you mature? this is what you were built for. its to much. you finally ask for help.

" im sorry, but i have to report this. its for youre safety. have you tried talking to someone? "

that conversation is one of the hardest of your life. you sit down at the table, trembling hand gripping the paper the school counsellor helped you write. you try to speak. nothing works. you pass over to your mum. she slips her hand into yours.

she begins to read and you can feel the tears streaming down your face.

" aw, baby. im so sorry."

she reaches over, pulling you into her arms. her strong, stable arms. her focus on you. a few weeks later she takes you to visit the doctor. she helps you explain what youve been going through. she gets some of the details wrong but thats okay. her focus is on you. youre not alone. for the next three years you visit a counsellor every month.

maybe you were wrong about maturing. love will still come to you even when you hurt. sometimes letting yourself hurt is the only way you can heal. when you shatter. break into millions of pieces, you know there will be someone to help you back together. and when they crack, when they break, you will do the exact same for them. slowly you come back. the pain is still there, but you let yourself shine. you deserve to be great, be average, and even be bad. thats the most impirtant thing in life. try everything. failure isnt as bad as it seems.

your childhood joins you. youre able to grow into an adult while still carrying the curiosity and naivety of being young. you find joy in the little things, putting work into drowning out the negatives building up hatred and anger around you. you continue to stand up for your beliefs, never unwilling to discuss your opinion. you love you friends and family endlessly, providing support even when you may not be right for the job.

slowly colour comes back and you can feel the fragile, broken soul you once were blossoming into a prepared young woman, ready for whatever the future throws at her. you make plans upon plans upon plans, making sure you have backups. you dont want to hit rock bottom again. as you watch yourself grow and learn, you also see your parents growing old. you can see your sister becoming mature. you can see her struggle. but you are there. you build her up. this is what little you dreamed of, and this is what you are for that beautiful girl you were young with. she pushes through. shes better now. shes happy. she finds joy in the little things. she both seeks and provides love. she may not be exactly like you, but she is still unique and strong.

i hope that we all remember that sometimes to heal, you must first hurt. i know that more than most.

[iriemorning]

seventh heaven

it was just like any other (boring) day, and i was lounging about on a sofa, staring at the ceiling and i pictured myself swinging on a hammock under the starry skies. the noisy background noise of the city mellowed out as i set my body at peace.

oh, how good it is to be a child. with no care in the world about cracked screens (my little bro got pissed off watching cocomelon and broke my phone), or cracked skins (my hormonal acne is flaring up again and my little sis is teasing me about it). i miss the times when i just went out every afternoon to talk about outer space and astronomy with my childhood friend, and run around the neighborhood, or use the break time in school to play badminton with my classmates.

oh, the adrenaline highs of being a kid with no worries but snacks and playtime. the present me has so much to worry about every day, every week, every decan. one after another. it just never stops.

the demerit of being able to foresee my future version is that i must always have to strive towards it in any way i can. always move forward, right? because no one can take me there but my own feet. otherwise whats the use of my gift? but along the way there, the stairs just get more and more complicated and sometimes i just wanna pause the whole damn world from running. to live inside my headspace for a while, where i dont have to do anything but just swing.

i already had a taste of this heaven when i was camping with my extended family back in march. they tied a hammock to two medium-stable trees. it can handle carrying kids but adults not so much. good thing that im more on the lighter side and i got to enjoy riding it like my little cousins. sitting on that hammock was so relaxing it might have taken away my piled-up stress from the last ten years. i was facing this great view of the mountain and all the greenery, and i couldnt help but hold my breath in extreme happiness. that was enough. i just needed to remember that moment so i could just replay it again and again in my mind. because opportunities like that doesnt come that often. particularly to the busy life of an up-and-coming young adult woman with big dreams to achieve. i thought i can only experience one heaven at a time.

my daze was interrupted right then when my little cousins surrounded me on that hammock, wanting to sit on my lap. i laughed and picked the smallest one (the most bratty but she gets a pass because shes cute), and then the other two little boys swung the hammock for us side by side. it was so much fun, even though i was worried that the strings might break because they were pushing us so high; i felt like i was flying. thats when i realized something looking back at that moment. maybe the seventh heaven i was desperately yearning for in the present—being a child again—were given to me already with the presence of all the young kids in my family.

i am the eldest daughter in the household, and the eldest cousin in the clan, both from my mother and father’s side. the moment i was born, i was always meant to be a witness of my little siblings and cousins popping out one by one, attending their birthday parties, playing with them during family gatherings…

their existence is an eternal reminder that the child in me has never left. in my eyes, every kid i meet is a different kind of heaven.

so i was wrong. my seventh heaven is not a place, not the hammock; but the kids surrounding me when i was swinging hard and high, without a care in the world.

[meichifulifejourney]

Here's a confension.

Dear you,

If your reading this then it means two things, Posting scheduled post from tumblr to Facebook is still a thing or because I'm already dead and doens't have the ability to delete this.

When I was a teenager, i had a talked with a counselor at school I remember she said to write down my emotions, write down whats on your head, let the pen speak what your lips cant utter so Im now writing this.

If your reading this dont tell my parents.

Dont tell the police its too late for that. As an adult I know these facts now. All i want is for someone to know why Im fucked up in the head.

(Because Adults failed me. Adults failed to protect a child like me.)

The Year is 2014 and I have a confession to make.

What is home? Where is home?

I'm not sure if its just me but when i try to remember my childhood the first memory i have is from the time my Parents told me i would be living with my grandparents. As a child i don't fully understand it my lolo and lola lives just next door but i do feel excited. You see my grandparents house is so big (on a kid perspective) they have a huge garage that can fit two jeepney and a tricycle, its up and down, their kitchen has this amazing round table where the top part has a little round thing that can rotate so you could get the food that you want. They have their own garden and balcony.

My first thought is i have a big playing space, our house is small and we only have one bedroom where we all sleep together. What I didn't know is this is where all my abandoment issue will start.

At first I didn't think about it but as days turns to weeks and months I started to get the feeling of loneliness, I'm showered with a lot of things, new clothes, new shoes and delicous food but all of this is topped with loneliness.

I envy my cousins who also lives there, they have their parents to care for them, Lola have to always asked one of my Aunts to tie my hair for school, or asked them to go with me so I could buy shoes. Later on I've learned that my Parents income is not enough to raise all three of their kids together and my mom said she's having a hard time taking care of three kids at the same time. So they choose me out of all three children to be raised by my lola for the reason that I'am the eldest and I would understand that my needs is far less than the needs of my younger brothers.

For them, the time I spent there is just brief but its long enough for me to crave the love and care of what having true parents meant.

They take me back when Papa's income become much stable, when mama is able to put up a small business, they take me back because back then its time for me to help them raise my siblings.

You see my parents are good people, surrounded by good friends. It came to the point that I found these friends so good, Good enough to let me think that it is okay to get sexually abused by them. First it was my godfather, he always call me pretty and touch different parts of my body, Have you imagined being a 5 year old and had someone fingers between your thighs? He said he was giving you pleasure but you don't understand it, you don't understand why you have to put your pants down or why he asked you to lift your shirt.

It happened for a while until suddenly he stops visiting when my parents are not around. Why didn't I tell the adults about it? Cause i'm an invisible kid around them. No one pays attention to me they only see me if they need to ask me to help them with something.

The second assult happen when im alone at home, I remember this because I have fever and my family has to be somewhere for a while. This person is one of my brothers god father. You see I knew these people and they spend time in our house.

I remember him asking me if I ever have a first kiss. Im just 9 that time. I shake my head no because I know kissing your parents is not counted as first kiss. I learned how to kiss at the age of 9 with me sitting with my assailant lap with his hands roaming around my small body. I dont understand it but the sensation is good. Growing up I realize that its because im slowly becoming a teenager that time and my body is developing hormones.

I had my first sex at our home bathroom where he asked me to stand on our toilet seat it was painful and his not even pushing himself in just the tip. I didn't cry, I didn't say anything because he told me he will kill me if i did, he told me that no one should know or they will get disappointed at me. It continue like that for I think about a year, he knows my parents schedules and go there everytime they are not around.

The third sexual assault happens when Im playing with two of my teenage boys cousins. You see, my parents told me not to go outside, I have to stay indoors with my siblings so when they asked me to play house with them i agree.

You guess it right, Im the wife. You see I have been sexually abuse twice that I already think that when a man tried to put his penis out in front of you its normal. They asked me to lay on the bed. I remember it so clearly like it just happened, Put your clothes up, pull your panty down. Imagine two people masterbating infront of a kid rubbed of her innocence, spread your legs april. Yan ganyan. I got used to following orders because i was asked to always keep it quiet. Always listen to the adults because thats the right thing to do.

I remember one of them laying on top of me with me still holding my shirt up and not making a sound, I remember being dry hump he has his pants back on but keeps rubbing his sex on me.

My fifth sexual abuse happens when I was 11, My cousin whose age is as same as me asked me to put my shorts down. At this point I know what he wants I really thought that its normal so we hide in the garden me against the wall and him rubbing his sex on me. This is the first time that I've realized that this is not normal, An adult caught us. I was emotionless. As a kid im always like that I always have these poker face and the only indications of my emotions Is when my face is red and there are tears in my eyes.

You think that by this time, finally these assaults will comes to an end? What a joke. I got the blame. The adult caught us and told me "malandi ka" I was the one getting fantasized, abused but I got the blame. That time I know that adults are worthless scumbags that in this world I only have myself.

I was powerless.

When I started grade six, I was yet again force to live with another relatives, Their house is near my school so It saving us tons of money and time. I live there until third year highschool. If you think that getting abused stopped when i live there? You thought it wrong.

I'm a growing teenager, one night when I was sleeping one of my uncle enters the room. I remember pretending to be asleep as he touch my breast. The room is shared and so it only happens once.

At that point I was asking myself, what is home? Where Is home? Is there a place for me to be safe? Is it a curse or a blessing to be a woman?

Fourth year highschool when i got back to live with my parents again. This time my assailant is one of my brother.

Our home is still small and we still share a bedroom. I was sleeping and I woke up with my pants getting pulled down my legs being pushed apart and him on top of me. This time i fought and pushed him then I talked to my parents about it.

They didn't do anything, They said they talked to him and asked him what happened. Guess who got the blamed. ME apparently i seduced him. I allowed him to be in my personal space.

I experience all of these because Im a woman, because being pretty is a curse, and because Im a woman subject to the desire of men.

Fuck the adults, they don't know whats going on my head. If this post made it to you then my depression got the best of me, or I was still alive but forgot all about this.

In this world, I learned that I am alone. But then i still have a tiny hope in my heart that someone out there still wants to take care of me, I can't help but imagine, would there be a time I would ask someone to stay the night with me? would I asked someone not to leave me? Would i be able to asked someone not to take me home and run away with me?

Sometimes I wonder if there are still arms i want my body to be wrapped around. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would listen, would anyone be out there would tell me that I'm strong, that I'm worth all the stress that I might give them because I know that when I found someone whom I feel safe I would call them my home, i would want to spend day and night with them because their arms makes me feel home, safe and a place where i could lay down my burdens.

Would that person exsist? I hope you do. And If im still alive 10 years after I wrote this then please help me. Its my cry for help.

Its not easy to live in a place where you are continusly reminded of all the bad things that happened to you. To be in the same space as your assilants who does not see what they have done to you. To see them live their lives while you have all these voices talking to your head.

If your reading this and im still here please run away with me. Please save me.

[zellen420]

Warning ⚠️ meaningless rantings

Ok so. Abit about me, I have had clinical depression since I was 9 years old. It doesn't exactly go away or get better. Cupple that with ADHD the inattentive kind, and dyslexia it's hard to feel that people understand your train of thought.

So I've seen councilors, psychologists and psychiatrists. I've even been on antidepressants. Wall I feel that those treatments are grate. I've had enough poor experiences that I'm kinda at a point where dealing with a professional would course me just as much issues on its own that it doesn't feel exactly worth it. Especially as history has dictated that the moment I felt stable and confident enough in my care to stop hiding and open up. I would be met with some circumstance where my providers would ternate treatment. Or it would become immediately clear that this person is not a safe provider.

So hear is my problem. I have a hard time being motivated to do much more than exist. I feel it has hurt my relationships and stunted my life in general.

You see I know there are things, techniques and "strategies" that work for me and I should be using .. I'm not. Becouse making sure I take my medication is such a challenge that there are many days where that is realistically all I've accomplished.

I hate this

I hate that I can't seem to sleep without headphones becouse if I let myself lission to the silence of my own breath my inner voice rears its head like a ugly hydra prepared to grow louder on more violent with every attempt to quiet it's yamerings of every bad thing, sad moment, disappointment, let down, broken promise , short coming, or interaction that I've ever had. So without a numbing I don't sleep

If I don't have other people to feed I can go all day without thinking of food. And frankly I tend to eat mostly out of routine to avoid my hand shaking and my cat getting mad at me. But with that I do tend to have safe foods that I eat over and over that are frankly tarrable for my system.

I want to be more active.

I think if I move more it may help

My back if fucked

But I'm afraid to walk in my nabourhood. Partly becouse I'm embarrassed to be seen. Mostly becouse of dog owners who don't understand that some people don't want to see your dog. Yes even if you think it's well trained and cute. Your dog isn't something I want to interact with, especially when it is off leash running towards me on a trail marked "on leash only"

But yah know. That makes me the asshole right. Because your choice to brake the rules and let your animal run up to me, where I should be able to safely expect that these owners have control and care for there animals, made me feel unsafe and triggered a anxious shutdown.

I hate leving me house.

I have nowhere to go.

I have no friends that I see regularly.

I can't afford to join a class .

I'm afraid to meet people. Becouse that tends to go badly.

Part of me just wants to go to sleep

But I can't

The thoughts keep me up

They tend me be my mother,

But it's not just her voice

"welp.. you have a multifaceted personality."

"if you don't stop eating you'll always have a rotund figure"

"just try harder"

"You have a unconventional face"

"you have no idea how hard it is to find a dark haired doll with blue eyes. Blue eyes just seem to come with blonds"

"if your eyes are blue then so is a elephants ass"

"dont touch her it's probably contagious"

"why would I be friends with a girl that looks and sounds like a boy"

"you only have long hair so people think your a girl"

"we all know your not a real girl"

"no feaks or foureyes"

"what's the skirt for? Hiding your fat cock?"

"Holy shit it has tits!"

"I'm so glad Im not ******"

"why are you with her?"

"yah know now that I've actually talked to you. Your really easy to get along with."

"you know I can't let anyone know we hangout"

"why should I ? My partner Is more important than you (ther child)!"

"smile"

"never mind. Umm don't smile"

"come take the photo for us. Thank-you !Perfect then everyone will be in it"

"I thought he only had a step daughter"

"your the first born?!"

"I didn't know _____ had a older sister. They never mentioned you"

" youed better be good at something"

"your brother will naturally be more successful than you"

"meeting/getting to know you had been.... 'interesting'"

"fat girls need to give good head. Otherwise who would date them?"

"I figure my face is only a few centimeters above my titts. I'm sure if I can get the focus up from there long enough they won't see my belly"

"if all your friends are hot, and your not conventionally attractive, well we all know what that means.. right"

"she's grate to have around the creeps run when they see her with us"

"why would anyone give a sit about your birthday?"

"you should totally sell this online! I bet If youed try it would work !"

"just do it"

"oooohh your _____s kid?. Damn"

"I promise"

"ignorance is bliss"

"if only we had met another time"

"you only have titts becouse your fat"

" we thought you where ace."

"your interests are.... Unique"

This is the lullaby my brain sings to me each night . I just want to not hate myself thank-you

Like youed think I would have fetishised this by now.

[peachyfnaf]

18 whole years, huh?

18 whole years of existing on this shitty planet filled with shitty things and shitty people.

18 whole years of existing on this beautiful planet filled with wonderful things and beautiful people.

i am.

terrified.

i don't like my birthday. i hate it, actually. not only does it mark a point in time every year where i have to be around the ""family"" that i don't really care about or even like; but to me, the passage of time is a terrifying- if not the most terrifying thing- and now i'm an adult. gags. i am an adult in the eyes of society. i am a person who can own a house on their own, get any job, start a family, have kids.

that is terrifying.

i feel like i haven't really changed much since i turned 15. i mean, i've gotten more mature, that's a fact. but i feel just as unprepared to grow up now as i was then. i don't know how to drive. i don't know how to do taxes. i've never had a job. i literally got my first debit card like a month ago and i've still yet to use it.

so yeah i'm fucking scared!!!!! i feel like the second i take a step out into "adulting" i'm going to blow up from lasers in the sky shooting me down!!!!!!!!!!

but. (yes there's a "but", bare with me)

but, i still want to do it.

i want to grow up. i want to get a stable enough income doing art where i'm able to get out of this fucking house and move in with someone i love. i want to cut off all the horrible people in my life, and get away from them. i want to be able to walk around my own house without having to mask. i want to be able to fill up the walls with anime posters and buy merch of all my hyperfixations without being scolded for "wasting money" or "acting like a child".

and now, i'm one step closer to being able to do that, just because i was able to convince myself to survive this long.

am i gonna do all that right away?? oh-ho-hooo hell no. i still have no fucking clue what im doing, and i don't even have the option to yet cause. mr. krabs voice. money.

BUT. but, it's actually possible now. it's not just the dreams and ideals of some scared little girl wishing she could be anywhere but here. it's something i can actually do, if i bust my ass to do it.

and if you've happened to read this far, first off, tf you doing here? second off, thank you. thanks for acknowledging i exist, on this app full of millions of people, that you downloaded on this planet of 8 billion people. i appreciate you more than you know.

i am also going to use this yap and ramble and hide this wayyy at the bottom, so that i can be less worried n embarrassed about it being seen, but i've made a lot of friends in the past year the sams fandom that i never expected to make. some of them were literally people i idolized, and now we chat in discord dm's all the time. i still can't wrap my head around it.

if you see your name here, know that in some way shape or form, you've made me smile when i thought about your existence. some of you i know pretty well, and some of you i wish i could get to know more, but im a pissbaby with anxiety who cant initiate conversation fjkhsdf

drew. star. mothy. creesa. juno. sunny. dana. ceph. ken. sam.

polaris. alex. haven.

(those last 3 are separated because they're the names of people who i've actually stopped crying before over cause they said hi to me or some shit dfjkhsdf)

and THERE'S PROBABLY A LOT MORE PEOPLE I'M MISSING BECAUSE WRITING THIS OUT MADE ME TEAR UP SO NOW MY MINDS A BOWL OF SOUP. BUT IF WE'RE FRIENDS AND YOUR NAMES NOT ON HERE IT'S NOT BC I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, IT'S BECAUSE I'M A DUMBASS DFSJKHSDF

aaand this is long enough, dear lord.

so yeah. i'm 18, i'm scared, but i'm alive, and i love my friends. and i think that's pretty neat.

let's see if i can reblog this post again when i turn 19 with some good news, yeah?

yeah.

(and yes, future me, in case we forget we did actually draw a celebratory piece this year. yippee to us.)

okaysoitisntactuallymybirthdayuntillike40minutesfromnowbutimgoingtobedso

Today is the day I first escaped the cold, cruel clutches of the First Spinjitzu Master and I've been making it EVERYONE'S problem ever since!!! I have no intent of stopping, either, I assure you. <3<3<3

[crimsonophelia]

I came across this blog by pure chance and to say I’m in love with your work would be a COMPLETE understatement <3 If you don’t mind, could I request an imagine involving Diluc and a femme maid reader? The reader has feelings for Diluc, but knowing the consequences of what would happen if she were to even try anything with him, she instead devotes all of her love and care into her work—cooking him extra hearty breakfasts, staying up late well into the night to welcome Diluc home after his duties as the Darknight Hero and to help patch up any wounds he might have acquired, etcetera—entirely unaware of Diluc subconsciously picking up her signs and slowly growing fond of her for it.

It all comes to light when the reader makes a passing comment about being excited to take care of Diluc’s children someday. (“Well, who wouldn’t be excited to take care of their own children?” “...My own children? I was talking about your children, Master Diluc.”) And Diluc promptly ends up struck with the realization that he can see no one else take care of him and his future family better than the reader herself (as his wife, perhaps? 😉)

I apologize if my request was a little specific, feel free to absolutely take any creative liberty with it—just the honor of you writing it would be MORE than enough. Thank you, and I hope you have a truly wonderful day! <3

featuring: diluc x fem!reader

warnings: none

published: april 23 2021

form: imagine

a/n: anon you’re so nice i’m gonna cry TTTT but really, you flatter me, and i also love this request. diluc deserves soft domesticity. i hope you like it, my dear! <3

mondstadt around windblume festival was always quite busy. the knights were busy setting up the decorations around the favonius headquarters, and all the local businesses were preparing for extra-heavy business during the season.

dawn winery was no exception. the ragnvindr family, led by young master diluc, made lucrative incomes during this time of the year, what with all the young lovers courting one another left and right, feeding the city’s wine, restaurant, and flower businesses. the winery also leveraged its monopoly on mondstadt’s most diverse selection of wines and spirits, and hosted numerous winery and vineyard tours throughout the course of the windblume festival. 

needless to say, the staff and owners of the dawn winery were not short of chores and tasks that needed to be completed in order to prepare for incoming business. you were certainly no exception, as a maid of the winery, and by extension, the ragnvindr estate. 

you were tasked with decorating the interior of the winery with various floral arrangements of what they liked to call “windblumes”, but in reality were just a number of other flowers that vaguely fit the description. the rest of the maids were outdoors, preparing the vineyard for the wine tours and marking which barrels of wine would be made available to visitors on the wine tours.

though you were rather abashed, you hoped that this would be an opportunity to find some time to be alone with master diluc. you would never openly admit to yourself your painful longing you felt for the master of the estate, the beautiful man with the flaming hair. regardless, it was unbecoming of a maid to think such things about her employer. having a roof over your head and a stable income was already more than you could ever ask for.

but you couldn’t help but to feel a certain way whenever the young man occupied the same room as you, his presence so large yet so humble, always conscious of those around him. ever since he was a boy, when you had first met him, he had nothing to offer but kindness.

it was years of him returning to the estate in the ungodly hours of the night, covered in cuts and bruises, in which you patched him up, never asking more than “where does it hurt the most”, during which you fell for him as fast as his bandages turned as bloody red as his silken hair.

it was years of you two sneaking glances at eachother, summers in which you and the maids were out under the sun, counting the season’s harvests, where you would catch diluc’s eyes roaming you and only. and when you met his gaze, he would turn away, bashful as a naughty child, and cheeks dusting a rosy pink, almost as dark as the grapes he so loved to walk amongst.

leaving your memories and returning to your duties, you continued to string up the lanyards of cecilias and lilies across the darkwood of the winery foyer. the flora was indeed, quite pretty, although their lightness did clash a little with the dark and brooding mahogany bookshelves you were pinning them onto. reaching up to try and place some cecilias onto the top shelf, you realized that your fingers could only reach a few inches short of the top. dammit. you would have to go fetch the stepladder from the storage closet.

as you were about to turn around, you noticed an arm from your peripheral vision reach up and place the flower up onto the upoer shelf with ease.

“good afternoon, [y/n]. these decorations look lovely. good work.” flashing you his uncharacteristically warm, familiar grin that he seemed to save only for you, diluc finished stringing up the rest of the lanyard across the parts of the bookshelf he know you would be too short to reach.

“good day, master diluc. you flatter me.” you turned away, ashamed at your own girlish excitement. “i hope your work is going well?” the formalities exchanged between you and diluc had become almost like a secret language, one always being able to effectively distinguish the other’s true feelings, beneath the saccharine emptiness of upper-class etiquette. yet this time you hoped he wouldn’t be able to read the fluttering of your heart through your words.

“hm. quite well, indeed.” the man stepped back from where you were working, and looked at the room, as if assessing every nook and cranny with his usual, critical glare. he wasn’t wearing his usual leather suit and fur jacket. today, the young master donned a sharp, three-piece suit, always neat and pressed. perhaps he was ready to go into the city to take care of winery business.

he looked around the foyer, squinting as if looking for something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“is something the matter, master diluc?” you questioned. did you place the flowers asymmetrically? or perhaps there was too much space between the shelves and the potted cecilias.

“[y/n], do you ever feel like the winery is too empty?”

confused, you shook your head. perhaps now wasnt the time to bring up the emptiness left behind after master ragnvindr, senior, passed away. you always felt for diluc, and master kaeya as well, after their shining light of a father left the world. diluc had never been the same since then—you had caught him looking through childhood photos in the estate library when he thought nobody else was present.

“well”, you started, choosing your words carefully, “when the time comes for master diluc to have a family of his own, the estate might feel a little livelier then. and i would be very excited to nanny the future generation of ragnvindrs as well, if you’ll excuse my preposterousness.”

the man blinked, as if trying to make sense of what you just said. “nanny? dont you mean-“

oh. diluc sensed that he might have made a mistake. but yet, it made such perfect sense. in what universe could he accept [y/n] not being the mother of his children, the pillar keeping both himself and this entire estate afloat? certainly not this one.

the realization dawned upon him, as well as the regrets from years of inaction in his past. he wasn’t about to let someone else slip through his fingers. not again.

“say, [y/n], my dear. how do you feel about going into the city with me tonight? i have some business i need to run and i’d be much obliged if you accompanied me.”

a/n: aaaaah im pretty happy with how this turned out, and i hope you like it too! i wasnt able to go with your prompt word for word, which i hope is okay. the whole time i was literally imagining scenes from downton abbey lolol

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

It annoys me when people complain about Julian and call him “whiny “. The person that John hurt the most throughout his whole life is his own son! I feel like this gets glossed over because he was more attentive to Sean “At least he was a good father to one of his children”. John failed Julian massively. Having Sean should’ve motivated him to try harder with Julian but I feel like it demotivated him because he realised how much of Julian’s life he missed and that made him feel bad about himself. Even in May’s book she says that John would’ve avoided Julian for the rest of his life to avoid feeling bad about himself & the choices he made with his life. And even when he got his visa he was happy to fly to other countries but not the country containing his son! I mean c’mon that’s very shitty and inexcusable. People can’t relate to John’s callous treatment of Julian so it’s downplayed and undermined by the excuse of “Oh well, John was better with Sean”. I know John appeared more motivated towards the end but doesn’t absolve him of the damage and pain he already caused to his son.

I try to understand John’s neglect of Julian from his perspective - I don’t want to excuse or justify it, but I still want to know what was going through his head to make him treat Julian the way he did - but I just can’t really understand it in the same way I feel like I can empathise with a lot of John’s other flaws. Like I feel like I can understand Johns mistreatment of certain people, or his mood swings, or his anger etc. But when it comes to Julian I struggle to understand him, and I just think its such a shame that Julian never got the closure he deserved with John. But I guess a few things to keep in mind when discussing this are:

1. Alfs abandonment

That Johns father, Alfred, abandoned him at such a young age, this might have affected John in such a way that made connecting with children a real challenge. Of course, he ideally still would’ve made an effort to connect with Julian more - but I guess that this was 1963, and he was someone who at this point had had absolutely no therapy. John’s own father I think was placed in an orphanage around the age of 5, so this neglect and abandonment appeared to be a bit of a cycle within the Lennon family-tree. Alf didn’t develop the neurones to be able to connect with his son the way a father ideally should be able to, and therefore John had trouble forming these connections too.

A real tragic story regarding this disconnect is one that ive heard Paul tell a few times (see this interview at 6:24 to hear him tell it). He essentially compares his ability to just naturally connect with children, to John’s inability to do the same; Paul grew up in a household where children and babies alike were around all the time - and in addition to this, there seemed to have been a lot more affection involved in his early environment compared to Johns. So when Paul was able to pal around at ease with Julian, John asked “How do you do that?” - and its unfortunately just not something you can just learn. I think John did want to be able to relate to Julian, and a part of him wanted to be a real dad - but I guess he just lacked the initiative to do so, as well as not having the needed facilities provided for him to be able to function as “good” parent (< or in other words, that man needed alottttttttt of therapy omg—)

2. Aunt Mimi’s coldness

I think by now its sort of been established that im not Mimi’s no. 1 fan - I don’t hate her, and I think she genuinely loved John, but ive been pretty critical of what I perceive her parenting style to be like. One aspect of this parenting style is that I think she was cold and deprecating towards John, which I presume took a toll on his relationships in such a way that made him susceptible to cynicism and even bitter contempt towards those he loved most.

“She never hit him: her worst punishment was to ignore him…When she did, he’d plead, ‘Don’t ‘nore me, Mimi!’” - I think that this type of parenting style could have effected the way John relates to Julian, perhaps making him feel it was okay to abandon him, maybe as a result of some unrecognised childhood angst or revenge.

Theres also a story where I think John said something to Julian a long the lines of, “I hate your laugh!”. Like, Jules was just some four year old living his life and then John, his own father, had this massive fucking mood swing. I feel bad for Julian cause my parents were like this (had random fucking mood swings and said some pretty contemptuous things) so I can empathise with him. At the same time though, I feel like I can understand John getting these mood swings (although, I don’t think that showing that kind of contempt towards a child is at all acceptable, and assuming that this sort of thing was a regular occurrence, I would say he was emotionally abusive towards Julian. Maybe John got these mood swings from Mimi (check this post for more on that).

3. Yoko’s influence and isolation

I think we first have to take into account here that John had a history of neglecting and failing Julian, and from what im aware of, he only started making contact with him again during his ‘Lost Weekend’ after being encouraged to do so by May Pang. So I don’t think we can make Yoko take all the blame for Johns neglect of Julian (and certainly not his emotional abuse towards Julian). But I think we have to also account for the fact that Julian has stated Yoko would refuse to put him through when he would ring his dad. And I just don’t know how much John had to do with that - as in, I don’t if John knew Yoko was isolating him to the extent that she did, or if he was unaware that she was rejecting several important and significant figures in his life.

For what its worth, Julia Baird wrote in her memoir of John urging (or really, begging) her to go to Cynthias house and ask Julian to phone him, because he hadn’t been able to get through to Julian, and he was trying to construct a better relationship with him around this time (this was before Sean was born, like you said, he seemed to lose motivation with Julian after Sean was born). I don’t know why Julian wasn’t taking his calls around this time - John seemed to think it had something to do with Cynthia, perhaps it was an autonomous decision made by Julian, perhaps it was entirely just a misunderstanding; I don’t know.

When it comes to Yoko, im conflicted - to some extent, I think John was being manipulated by her, and she was clearly isolating (even abusing) him - but also, he’s a grown man, and so he had to take the initiative for his own life. So I don’t know, but id say she is still partly responsible for spoiling Johns relationship with Julian.

~ ~ ~

At the end of the day, all I can really say is that John was just a classic case of parents needing therapy before they start, y’know, parenting - but it was 1963, and thats just not something most people underwent back then, especially people with more complex and unrecognised traumas, as well as mental illnesses that, whilst prevalent, may not have been so apparent. To clarify that point, I think John could function well-enough in his day to day life to be able to get by, because I don’t think his traits of mental illness tended to disrupt his life to such a degree that he could not function (at least not in 1963, though in later years, id argue more so they did; but even still, I don’t think John tended to struggle with mania or psychosis etc.) But I think he was still dealing with mental illness in a way that wrecked almost all meaningful relationships for him, as well as made feeling love and functioning as an emotionally stable and consistent person, a real hardship and challenge for him. And this inability to feel loved and cared for etc. made being a parent, quite simply, impractical. He needed therapy, and its a shame he died before ever receiving real therapy because it would’ve been interesting to see how John might have come to terms with really acknowledging his failures as a parent, and because Julian might have gotten some real closure with his dad.

All in all, I think Phillip Larkin said it best