#but if i dont write this some moron will go ahead and rb lmao because thats how this site works

[dyrwoodan]

i never understand why do people bother talking to me. not just.. in work/school (when i used to go to one anyway) but when they take their time and message me and want to talk to me like. people that i know have friends. friends of many years, close friends. and they still want to talk to me?? someone new, someone so private you can't possibly be interested in because i just don't.. share stuff. ever. a stranger. and you have all these close friends. and still make the effort to? what? make me your friend? i don't understand. why would you talk to me when you don't have to, when you have other closer people to talk to. so many times when these.. classmates/coworkers/acquaintances messaged me outside of the place we usually talk in face to face, i wanted to ask "lol why are you talking to me, don't you have like,, friends or something?". but obviously i never did. because they were nice, i had no reason to be mean, and tbh, i appreciate it so damn much. i appreciate every small interaction a lot, like even here with mutuals n stuff. anyways,, i have no friends so the way i see it... if i had friends, close friends, people i can talk to.. would i bother talking to a classmate? a coworker? during my off hours? someone i don't know? i don't think i would. i didn't. when i had friends i didn't bother talking to other people, finding new friends, being nice out of nowhere, without wanting something in return. (and look where it got me, eh? having completely no one) so yeah okay maybe it's just me, being a self-centered selfish bastard. and other people... are simply nice. kind. friendly. they want to have many friends. hmm, gotta be the case. i just don't understand it. like now with this guy from work... he wants to go on an ikea trip with me and play games with me and he is messaging me when we're both home. so not.. only at work. and i just don't understaaaaaand. why would you do that if you have friends??? why would you talk to me why would anyone i genuinely don't think i deserve people being nice and friendly and kind. when i myself am someone who... isn't. it's just not fair, to them. i can never give as much as other people give me. and this is not about being self-deprecating, i'm not like that lmao, "boohoo i'm so shit i don't deserve love :(". no. i'm far from being that. and i am many things but not unjust? and this is about that. looking at it objectively... it's not fair. i don't deserve people being nice because i'm not nice and because many times i just can't return the nice. i'm selfish and egoistic and i don't deserve nice people. it's as simple as that. it would be unfair. and it would make me feel guilty at some point. and then the guilt would disappear in a few hours and i would move on. so, what’s the point then

i just want to end this with- pls don’t be concerned? (idk why would you after reading this whole thing but jic) or something? telling me “oh you’re not alone, people care about you” or whatever. because, lol, i am alone and i’m fine. and i’m better off like this.