#but if everything came back negative the amount of gaslighting and fighting would be Even Worse

[julesnichols]

If one more person is surprised I don't like doctors I'm gonna mcfucking lose it

[dweemeister]

The Philadelphia Story (1940)

Sometimes the best comedies are not the ones that you laugh the hardest over. In George Cukor’s The Philadelphia Story, the film’s situational wit leaves pleasant aftertastes from scenes – comedic and otherwise – that draw an unsuspecting viewer in, making them care about the central characters (who live comfortably in socioeconomic settings few experience) in unexpected ways. Constant belly laughs are not what one will get from this movie, but instead middling chuckles and smiles realizing the ridiculousness of the plot, the sincerity in what the movie wishes to say. Released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) and based on the stage play of the same name by Philip Barry, The Philadelphia Story is one of the great comedies from classic Hollywood – in no small part due to its source material and adaptation, but most importantly its three central performances.

As the daughter of a Philadelphian socialite family, Tracy Lord (Katharine Hepburn; labeled “box office poison” by the Independent Theatre Owners of America after the financial failure of the now-beloved Bringing Up Baby and other films) is engaged to the fabulously wealthy, but uptight and overly content coal baron George Kitteridge (John Howard). Tracy divorced her first husband, C.K. Dexter Haven (Cary Grant) two years ago for not meeting her lofty standards. But Dexter is about to make a surprise reappearance in Tracy’s life, as he is acting as a family liaison between the Lord family to Spy magazine reporter Macaulay “Mike” Connor (James Stewart) and photographer Liz Imbrie (Ruth Hussey). Mike and Liz are there to cover Tracy’s wedding – part of an elaborate blackmail scheming involving the magazine’s publisher (Henry Daniell) and the Lord patriarch’s (John Halliday) brush with adultery. As the hours pass, Tracy begins to question whether she is marrying George for the right reasons, all while finding herself attracted to Mike and pondering whether her standards were indeed too inflexible for Dexter.

Despite Hepburn being an unwanted commodity among Hollywood executives, she still exerted significant influence in choosing George Cukor as director and Donald Ogden Stewart as screenwriter. Hepburn even chose her co-stars, Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart. This arrangement was made possible because Hepburn – through Howard Hughes – held the rights to the original stage play, selling them to MGM’s Louis B. Mayer at a discount of $250,000. The discount came with stipulations: that Hepburn have final say in the film’s producer (Joseph L. Mankiewicz... the man responsible for the scene’s opening minutes that involve a broken golf club and a facial shove less invidious than James Cagney’s), director, screenwriter, and cast. Female Hollywood moguls were more common in the silent era, and here was Hepburn making decisions as one, albeit for only one film.

These decisions result in an outstanding ensemble performance, particularly from the leads. It is difficult to talk about each performance in isolation, given the richness of Donald Ogden Stewart’s dialogue and how each lead has a different approach to another. For Hepburn, the snootiness that must come with having an obscene amount of money is broken quickly once Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, and Ruth Hussey arrive. She is a forceful personality, who believes she knows what she wants, then arriving – upon further reflection made impossible by John Howard’s character – to conclusions that make her question not only what she wants, but what she needs (surprise, surprise... these things are distinct!). Screwball circumstance has dissolved pretense. In her vulnerability, she grows and comes to greater understanding. Hepburn’s exchanges with Grant are irresistible. Though the two are not as funny here as in Bringing Up Baby, the scenario and their characters in this film are less (using a word from my Bringing Up Baby review) “airheaded”; the proportion of loving overtures here is reversed (Hepburn piled on a vast majority of the romantic flirting in Baby; Grant is more restrained here but it is he who talks of his love most). There is a sense of loss that defines both Grant and (eventually) Hepburn – especially the former. Grant plays Dexter as a wiseass here for a job and resolution. He argues with Hepburn, but never does it devolve to fighting. Love is not safe, states Dexter. Few actors other than Cary Grant could argue with a fellow romantic lead, roll their eyes during dialogue, and make arguments funny without being demeaning.

Jimmy Stewart and Ruth Hussey have an understated chemistry that gradually reveals itself. Stewart, lucky he, is charmed off his feet by the entire lead cast – and yes, that includes Grant in one of the rare instances he makes someone of the same gender starstruck (not sexually, of course, because one couldn’t do that in a ‘40s movie... if you’re a romantic fanfiction writer, this movie is for you!). Some of Stewart’s interactions with Grant seem borderline flirtatious, threatening to overshadow a hilarious off-screen swimming quasi-tryst that occurs in the film’s final third. For Jimmy Stewart, this would be one of the last times playing a youthful romantic lead – a type of role he would dabble less frequently in after returning from his wartime Air Force service. On the sidelines according to film’s billing but not in the film’s functions, Ruth Hussey – as Liz – seems to be the only one who has everything figured out. Liz is The Philadelphia Story’s most neglected character in the film’s love pentagon, and Hussey portrays the character as being the least uncomfortable in this complicated emotional puzzle playing out in swanky surroundings. But just because Liz is neglected by the characters does not mean she is inessential. She prevents The Philadelphia Story from lifting off to flights of comical and narrative fancy – grounding the film for those who do not see themselves in any of the other main characters. Just as an actor need not be sensational to be effective, Liz demonstrates that love need not be sensational either.

Joseph Ruttenberg’s (1940′s Waterloo Bridge, 1944′s Gaslight) cinematography lends sensuality to the nighttime scenes. His camera moves slowly, gracefully through the interior of the Lord household and its grounds. Soft lighting is used once, in a moment of intoxication and innocence that seems like genuine romance at that given time. Cedric Gibbons’ (MGM’s premier art director) work, as it almost always is, is stellar. But technical achievements aside, it is the strength of the writing that powers The Philadelphia Story.

Certain readings of the film criticize The Philadelphia Story as undermining Tracy – her agency and desires – as soon as Dexter makes his entrance. Take these lines between Tracy and George:

GEORGE: You're like some marvelous, distant, well, queen, I guess. You're so cool and fine and always so much your own. There's a kind of beautiful purity about you, Tracy, like, like a statue. TRACY: George... GEORGE: Oh, it's grand, Tracy. It's what everybody feels about you. It's what I first worshipped you for from afar. TRACY: George, listen – GEORGE: First, now and always. Only from a little nearer now, eh, darling? TRACY: I... I don't want to be worshipped. I want to be loved.

The introspection Tracy delves into forms the heart of The Philadelphia Story – not Tracy’s father and his infidelities, not the precocious, farcical comedy from Tracy’s teenager sister Dinah (Virginia Weidler). In this introspection she never abandons her independence, sophistication, or ferocity. Donald Ogden Stewart’s verbose, uncharacteristically (for a screwball comedy) long screenplay allows time to better understand the masculine chaos revolving around her. Being with George – suffocating her with his worshipping ways – has prevented her from understanding her past and (to reiterate an above point) the difference between what she wants and what she needs. She is not settling nor bending to anyone else’s demands, all while realizing love is never zero-sum. It requires generosity of spirit, a commitment to understanding. What Tracy undergoes is not sacrifice, but personal growth.

While negotiating with Katharine Hepburn for his appearance in this film, Cary Grant demanded that he receive top billing for this film. Hepburn acquiesced, but Grant’s intentions were more honorable than you might think. His entire $137,000 salary (a hefty wage in 1940... ~$2.47 million in 2018′s USD) was donated to the British War Relief Fund. A charming rascal though Grant might have been on-camera, his motivations to appear in The Philadelphia Story were always honorable. And with The Philadelphia Story, Katharine Hepburn – defying MGM’s expectations and proving her former employers at RKO wrong – delivered a critical and popular hit. Her negative reputation was behind her, with the Time Magazine review reading: “Come on back, Katie, all is forgiven.” An MGM contract awaited. So did one of the most lauded acting careers in Hollywood history.

For those reading to this final paragraph and are still skeptical of The Philadelphia Story, I offer a personal note. Being an ardent fan of Turner Classic Movies (TCM), The Philadelphia Story makes frequent appearances on TCM’s schedule – given the size of TCM’s library, “frequent” means three to six times a year). Having heard so much praise for the film and being high on my watchlist, this was one of those handful of movies I had been putting off for years. The timing of my first viewing has inspired mixed feelings: I’m glad I waited, into my mid-twenties (because I would’ve dismissed this as saccharine ten years ago), but I also wish I had known how much I needed this film earlier. There’s that word again, “need”. This is a shining example of the best of Old Hollywood’s approach to romantic comedies – nothing cruel or insulting in its humor. It may not be the funniest comedy either, but comedies are more than just inspiring laughter. Step away from your expectations. From there, you, like Tracy, might just be able to see those less visible things than mean the most.

My rating: 10/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. The Philadelphia Story is the one hundred and forty-fifth film I have rated a ten on imdb.

[this-brownie]

04.03.20

not feeling super inspired right now to talk about anything so ill talk about my past birthdays. when I was younger, the apartment I used to live in was filled with not only Bengalis but children that were mine and my brothers’ age. we always had people to play with whether that was going to the park, going to each others houses, or simply playing on our block or backyard. we also always celebrated our birthdays together— I remember the first time I had my very first Big Mac was during my 9th birthday. in middle school, the birthdays got a little more sophisticated because we would go out to Thai restaurants instead of mcdonalds. in 8th grade, my family moved to a new house, a block away from the old apartment. the next year we all started attending different high schools and I don't rmmbr much, my feelings from the day at all except that we called it early that night and my mom and I slept on the living room sofa, lights off and everything. two of my neighbors came over to my house expecting that we were gonna go out to eat— i opened the door to see them dressed up and all they saw were me in my pjs, house dark and their faces fell. one of them said ‘we always do something for your birthday, we thought we were going to do something this year’ and I said no..not this year and kind of awkwardly sent them on their way. side note, I didnt really have social skills because I was extremely shy and super uncomfortable about being confrontational. 

the next few years in highschool my birthdays were okay—I had more School friends to celebrate with and we always went out to eat. but I never had the money or enough friends to have a huge bash like the way I always fantasized. I rmmbr in 10th grade, a few of my friends pitched in to buy me balloons and delivered them to me before first period— I had to carry them around all day and I felt embarrassed but also incredibly special and happy. I eventually became close with Fariha and we spent the next two birthdays together, always Thai food--Jen joined me for one of those outings— Fariha always took care of my bill but I realized I never extended the same courtesy to her. 

a certain pattern started developing over the years— my mom started picking fights with me and would always have me feelings miserable on the day of or very near my birthday. In 12th grade, we had a massive fight that I wasn't expecting her to remember it was my birthday or do anything about it. but near the end of the night she designed the living room with tea lights and bought me cake and dressed me up in a beautiful sari. looking back, its fucking manipulative to put me in a bad mood on a special day, and then expect those feelings to be wiped just because im presented with gifts. yes I was *eventually* showered with love but at the cost of feeling gaslighted and having to hide my negative emotions because they were considered disrespectful. my next birthday, I turned 18 but I can't rmmbr it at all. for my 19th, I was living in Toronto but I had visited Levi in Boston and for the first time ever I spent an entire week with him. I had recently gotten a credit card so I decided to buy myself expensive lingerie. that was a lot of fun.

my 20th birthday was one of the worst because I remember it had been a few months since I moved back from Toronto and my mom was especially untrusting. she completely disregarded that it was my birthday so that was a very lovely day. I remember I was working at magnolia that day but I can't rmmbr why I didnt go out with my friends…I don't rmmbr but it was a shitty day.

for my 21st, I had already been living in Boston for a little less than a year and Levi insisted I go out with my friends since I always stay in with him, I went out with two girls from the restaurant I used to work at, and another girl who I used t work at bebe with. regina (bebe) and I arrived earl/on time and decided to grab something to eat while we waited for the other two girls. we went to a Chinese hotpot place and it was a lot of fun trying something new to eat. the other two girls came and we went to a hookah place which was kind of ratchet but I remember my mindset at the time was to not plan everything out so meticulously because nothing goes to plan. however, I was TOO flowy because I was underdressed (it was fucking freezing that day) and the wait line for the hookah place without a reservation was ridiculous. I also didnt like the fact that the girls didnt dress up to the 9s like the way I did. they also didnt drink the vodka I snuck in so that was another bummer. the last annoying thing was that regina had to leave early because she used to Dorm, and the campus closed at a certain hour. even though I had more fun than usual, it wasn't the huge birthday bash one expects for their 21st.

the next year, 2015 at this point, I had moved back to New York but I can't rmmbr what I did that year. the next birthday was one of my favorites. I had finally planned out and executed an amazing girls night out. the day started off with me picking up a delicious tiramisu cake from a local bakery and heading over to nadiyas house in Astoria where Jenifer and Syndee also joined. we pregamed while getting ready. the dress code was black only— I had gotten an amazing sheer black maxi dress imprinted with gold stars from urban outfitters. all my girls looked amazing that night. we did our makeup and curled hair and even just getting ready was such fun. nadiya also put out snacks for us which was super cute. our first stop of the night was dinner at “beauty and Essex” where we had tapas like: tomato soup with a block of fried cheese in it; bone marrow with grilled bread, mini tuna tartare tacos, and shots of soup. the place was fucking fancy— they served us champagne in the ladies room, so extra haha. I knew the bill would be expensive so I covered a good portion of it which I didnt mind because I wanted to have FUN without being hindered at all. it was also a good amount of food where we were satisfied, but not too full that we felt bloated or couldn't continue drinking. we took an uber to the next stop to a placed called “beauty bar” which was a nail salon mixed with a club, that also served drinks. we each got ourselves a manicure and a drink. we danced for a little bit but didnt love the music so headed over to our last stop of the night, a nightclub called Cielo. this is where I made a mistake — I got us there a little after 11 and had to pay a $30 fee. if we had gotten there before 11pm, it would have been half the price. I remember sneaking a bottle of wine in, by squeezing it between my thighs, but it ended up being such a waste because we didnt have a bottle opener to even open it with. I ended up leaving it in the bathroom.  second thing wasn't really a mistake but it took points off from the overall day— the thing about nyc clubs is that there is SO many that they have to be different to stand out, meaning they don't play popular music or top 40. they will play what they think is cool. when you're drunk its fine, but if you're sober (like jen was), its less enjoyable. however because I was super drunk, I did enjoy dancing even tho I didnt act totally ratchet. maybe it worked out haha. I also met a very charming and handsome man that night. apparently he checked me out the minute he looked at me (according to Jen) and came up to me and…I can't rmmbr now what he asked but he offered to buy me a drink and I jokingly said back “haha I think my friends are going to be jealous if I drink without them” and then he actually bought me nadiya and Syndee drinks. I didnt expect that— afterwards we all split up and the girls danced with other people. I danced with this guy, whose name I don't even remember, but he was tall, genuine, and very charming. I met his friends and we went out for a smoke and I remember enjoying his company. I remember telling him I had a boyfriend and he will still ver pleasant and sweet, which I appreciated. afterwards us 4 girls and he, his friend and girlfriend all squished into this tiny car to grab pizza. it started raining heavy at that point and I was super drunk - on our way back to nadiyas place, we ended up having a sleepover that night, I dropped my phone into the water and it went blank. I felt horrible after because I never got the chance to thank him for the night— in his mind, I just became another girl that used him for drinks and then took flight. theres no way to change that unfortunately.

the issue with me is that I really want to execute the way I envision things, and when they don't turn out like that I become very unhappy. I started fantasizing, and still do sometimes, about having a perfect girls group thats made up of pretty girls of different ethnicities. for my next birthday I invited Syndee (Thai but can pass for Latina), Lilian (chinese), and a coworker of mine who I had never hung out with before (Mexican, but extremely pale- looks exotic white) to have a birthday brunch. this was the first time hanging out with Lilian after maybe 7-8 years so it was a bit of a reunion. we went out for drinks to a speakeasy after which was really cool too. even though the group of us looked beautiful in photos, the aesthetics of the restaurant was lovely, the food itself was amazing, and the drinks were strong-- the dynamic between all of us wasn't flowing 100%. I wanted so badly for things to look good that I didnt realize the coworker would feel out of place amongst the rest of us who had known each other for a while. so, while the day was nice and nothing bad had happened, it still didnt feel extremely memorable. thats the last time I hung out with that coworker, and the last time I tried to force things together to make them fit.

the next year I was pretty down about and around my birthday— this was the first birthday after being married. I remember Levi asking me what I wanted to do and what gift I wanted. im not super materialistic anymore so I don't like receiving gifts. we did go out to Indochine for dinner which was nice but not as great as it was the previous time we had gone. instead, we went out to see Jim Jeffereys in Madison sq garden. it was okay— he made a joke about taking a shit which lasted 15 minutes. it was annoying. also Levi got mad at me because I went out to get a drink and missed an entire segment. wooh. I am weird because I want people to show me a lot of love— it doesn't have to constant, or grand gestures but I like when its thoughtful. I hate having to ask for attention or affection, it makes it less special if I receive it after that. even though Jen is my best friend, I have celebrated most of my birthdays without her. she's usually unable to come see me during the school term. this year she was at med school and wasn't able to make it because she was busy studying. she's missed out on a lot of them and it hurts because not only is she my best friend and should do things to make me special, but that I always go out of my way for her to make her feel amazing on her day (I will make a separate post for HER  birthdays). I am relatively low key about my birthday too, ever since 10th grade it hasn't been on facebook profile. I don't tell people about it, if they ask for the date I try to evade their questions. I know its strange, but its because I don't like revealing personal info, or things that are meaningful to me, and have others disregard or forget them. most of my friends didnt remember to wish me but I don't hold it against them because I don't make their birthdays special. I only do that with Jen, so I only expect it from her. however, fimo did make me feel special. we went out to eat at a Sri Lankan restaurant and then got ice cream after from a different place. she printed me a cute celebratory card with a picture of me on it and got a beautiful vase (I told her not to get me anything tho!). she gave me black and white triangular shaped earrings and said, I noticed you like geometrical shapes so I thought you would like these (I did like them a lot). she also did something very sweet and unique- she cut out scraps of paper and wrote little compliments and inside jokes we shared on the. that was my favorite because it showed that there are little moments of me that she remembers, and that she has taken time to think of me and what would make me happy. 

out of all my birthdays, the last one where I turned 26 has been my favorite. im not always moody and a downer! this was one of the first birthdays that I actually DID get to spend with Jen. I become very moody around my birthday- in the past because my mom would pick fights with me..these days because I prefer to isolate myself rather than be happy, or optimistic, and then be disappointed. I would want someone to do for me what I do for them. is that selfish of me? maybe. which is why I like to keep my expectations extremely low. Jen had recently broken up with her boyfriend of a long time and she was actually available to come see me, without being hindered or guilted into spending a part of the weekend with him. she asked what I wanted to do and if I wanted anything for my birthday. I feel embarrassed and shy about being given gifts so I always say no to that— I like to have special experiences instead. I gave her an ambivalent answer, showing my hesitation and hinting that ill be working and ill be pretty busy that weekend. the reason I do this is because 1. im manipulative and 2. I'm an asshole. id rather exaggerate to her and make it seem like *IM* the one whose busy and can't make time for her, rather than have her say yes and hope that she's coming and be let down if she can't make it (which has happened in the past before). I also am…apparently unsatisfied by how people show me love. im a scorpio… meaning I am excessive, intense, and “relentless” (according to levi). when I do something, I do it big and I try my best to make it perfect. when people are very lax, like the way Jen is, about certain things it conveys to me that they are not as serious about me. its not necessarily true but thats how I feel. so I tell her im busy, to test her and see whether she will still come to see me for my birthday even tho it may be inconvenient for her. I was wishy washy, but I wasn't completely adamant about her not coming so she decided to ignore my hesitance and come anyway. good decision.

several days before my mom hinted that she would throw a surprise party for me— she tried to be clever about it, in her defense, but when she asked me for fimos number I knew something was up. I played along— I found it very endearing that my mom would do something like this for me. this was part of the reason I decided Jen should come anyway, it would be more fun with her there after all. she came Friday night and we had dinner and talked for a little bit before heading to bed. I had work the next morning; after I came come we both got ready to go to my moms place. she made it seem like we were going to a wedding so I had to get there, get dressed and then we would all head out together. I knew it was gonna be a party so I tried to get Levi to come but he didn't think it was appropriate. once we got there and opened the curtains, I was greeted loudly with “HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY!!!” it was my two brothers, a couple of my little brothers friends, fimo and her bf, my aunt, and my cousin and his parents. it was very sweet, I was honestly touched to see a room of happy faces all leathered around because of me. my mom was elated, it was so fucking cute. she spent all day cooking a ton of food— making all my favorites ofc— and got this delicious cake adorned with a picture of me. the room was designed with HBD banners and streamers, confetti balloons, and pretty fairy lights. my brothers even got a disco light that displayed different colored lights all over the walls, and champagne candles (the ones that shoot out that pretend fire until they die out). I felt so fucking loved— I feel happy right now thinking back to that night. 

the next morning I had planned to go to the spa with just Levi but Jenifer wanted to join us. I didnt want to at first because I wanted to spend some alone time, but thankfully it ended up being a great time. Levi rented a car and we drove to this luxe spa in New Jersey. it was three floors filled with different temperature jacuzzis, pools, saunas, and steam rooms. the pool on the rooftop was an infinity pool, filled with a ton of instagrammers, but the view was stunning and we caught a delightful sunset. Jenifer being there added a lot to my pleasure and peace— I got to take as many photos as I wanted without being judged and I had fun running around to all the different areas instead of being told to sit quiet. I really do love that girl, but any actions of me being distant or cold are a result of being let down so many times, intentional or not, that I always expect only the worst now. however, her being there that weekend solidified our bond greatly and I appreciated that. we got pizza afterwards which was tasty but not so great. we drove back home and Levi let us off at st marks so that Jen and I could spend the last hour before she had to leave back to Philly. she spontaneously told me she wanted to get a belly piercing, and if I was down. we had gotten one together a long time ago but it fell out and we didnt have it re pierced. I didnt care either way so I went for it. now we have matching bffl belly rings all over again. nice end to a great weekend.

a few days later I met fimo for brunch at an Italian place in Brooklyn, that happened to be near the movie theaters where we planned on going after. brunch was whatever but she got me a fucking $100 Chanel perfume even though I demanded that she not get me anything. the perfume smells heavenly, and I only wear it on special occasions now. but it was too expensive, and I really didnt want that from her. later, we watched ‘Parasite’ at this theatre called Nitehawk Cinema which allows you to eat and drink right while you're watching the movie. we munched on popcorn and drank wine and felt like badasses. Parasite was absolutely amazing and thrilling- a Korean horror/thriller about a family that trick, and uses, a richer family into employing them. the name of the movie makes it seem like THEY are the parasites, but the crazy plot twist is that the rich family’s former employees were doing the same thing. but worse. they were secretly living/hiding out in the rich family basement/bunker. shit gets crazy when current employees find the ex employees. we both really enjoyed the movie, and didnt expect to like it as much as we did. it got nominated for several awards, so we were not the only ones who thought so.

the last person I saw for my birthday was Syndee but it wasn't really a bday hangout. I recently had a falling out with Ivan (more on that on a different post), and had reached out to all my closest friends. Sydnee and I see each other once every couple months so it was time. we got Detroit style pizza at this famous place near my work/home. the food was pretty good and it was nice to catch up with her. I let her know that I would be less busy in the future and that maybe we should start calling each other so that the stretches in person wouldn't feel as long. she agreed, and it was interesting as were catching up that for the first time I had only good news to share and she had not so good news. I told her that I had gotten a new job where I was planning to get promoted, had very recently gotten my green card, and that my mom was finally coming to terms with my marriage. I talked about my birthday, and she casually got the date for my birthday wrong (she was off by two days)— so I guess it really has been a while since we've been thorough with each other. she lamented about having to move out soon from her apt because she and her bf (who pays most of the rent) might be splitting up. she also said she wasn't doing as well at her new job as she had hoped. It was unfortunate that she was going through a tough time but I told her that she wasn't completely helpless, and that she still had options. its difficult for me to hear about people going through a tough time because I want to be able to change that, even if im not always in the position to do so. we did end on a good note and she seemed happy about seeing me which was nice. I am happy and grateful for the friends and the freedom I have. they don't always show me affection in the way I want but they do show it how they can, which I acknowledge and cherish.

[ossyuche]

My Boyfriend Has Cheated on Me a Bunch of Times. Should I Marry Him?

I am a 46-year-old, twice divorced, mother of 3, dating a man with whom I had a serious relationship in my 20’s.

Back then, I ended the relationship because I never trusted him (he was somewhat of a player, 8 years older, while I was a naive law student who had had one previous relationship) and although we were very compatible and I loved him very much, I did not see a future with him.

After my 2nd divorce, I reached out to him; we chatted for hours and made a date to meet up for dinner and drinks. That date lasted 7 hours, we both felt an immediate re-connection, and I had this amazing feeling that we had both grown up and were ready to be in a more mature relationship.

The first several months were great; we had many fun dates and became intimate within the first month. There were some red flags early on, like when I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he laughed it off — I thought he was saying my question was ridiculous — after all, he had already told me he loved me.

Turns out, I was wrong. Five months into the relationship, I learned that he had been dating someone very seriously immediately before we started dating, that he was not over her when we started dating, and in fact had tried to get back together with her nearly 3 months after we started dating (she said no).

Also, he had a female “friend” (the former best friend of the aforementioned serious girlfriend) who he spent an inordinate amount of time with (and actually lied to me about sleeping at her house) but insisted there was nothing going on with her.

It made me uneasy but he continued to spend time with her. He routinely didn’t answer his phone, claimed he didn’t hear it, or the phone was dead, or made some other excuse, and was extremely protective of his phone. All along, he insisted there was nothing going on and that I was insecure and pathetic for thinking otherwise. This went on for months.

Finally, 9 months into this relationship, things came to a head when I caught him in a lie. We had a big fight and nearly broke up but somehow ended up staying together. Things changed dramatically after that fight. He started to always answer the phone when I called. He no longer went out with friends without me. He called when he said he would, stopped drinking and partying, stopped spending time with the female friend, and really stepped up as a boyfriend.

I did not ask for any of this — he just did it.

Six months later, I did something I now regret. I looked at his phone records, and found out a few things: In the beginning, when I thought we were exclusive, he was still dating other people, and even took one of them out for Valentine’s Day. But that isn’t the worst part. He actually had another girlfriend — someone whose name I had never heard before — for at least 4 months prior to the “big fight”.

I found hundreds of phone calls and text messages between them, including a 275 minute call on the night of my son’s birthday, pictures of them together, and even spoke to her on the phone where she confirmed the relationship. He ended that relationship just prior to the “big fight”. He denied everything and has still never really apologized. I tried to break up with him but I just didn’t want to let him go. That was almost 2 years ago.

Now, he is doing everything right now, but I am having so much trouble forgetting what happened. I am tortured by it. I try my best to trust him but it is very difficult. He tells me that my “trust issues” are my issues and refuses to acknowledge his part in it.

We generally get along and only fight when my insecurities get the best of me. I love him and genuinely do not believe he is cheating on me now, but I am not sure whether to believe it will never happen in the future. He keeps hinting at getting married but I am hesitant since I was already divorced twice, there are kids involved, and I really don’t want to make another mistake.

My question is — do people really change? Did that big fight — where he almost lost me — make him realize how important I am to him so that he won’t put the relationship at risk again? Can I marry him even though I still feel some much pain from the things he did behind my back? Will I ever get over the pain his cheating caused? I have now given more than 3 years of my life to this guy (6 years total) and am really struggling to figure out if I should marry him or break up with him. Please help.

Jen

There are “rules” and there are “exceptions to rules. My job is to give the rules, even though I’m well aware that there are MILLIONS of exceptions to them.

There are “rules” and there are “exceptions to rules. My job is to give the rules, even though I’m well aware that there are MILLIONS of exceptions to them.

Ex. Man pays for first date. I know a guy who got married although he didn’t pay for their first date, however, that doesn’t mean that going dutch is a good strategy for a first date.

So, Jen, I’m going to point out how many Love U “rules” you went against in this one painfully written email. Let it be noted that I am really sorry this happened to you and deeply sympathetic to your pain. However, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t point out to my readers how many things could have been played differently.

I’m dating a man with whom I had a serious relationship in my 20’s. Sure, someone goes back to their high school reunion and falls in love. Sure, someone reaches out to a recently divorced man on Facebook and tries to suss out if he’s available. Sure, someone rekindles things with an ex. But, in general, going back to the well is a bad idea for one obvious reason — you already tried dating and it didn’t work out! Instead of trying out all the other single available men in the world, you’re going to try AGAIN with a man who didn’t work out the first time around.

I never trusted him — Relationships are based on trust. If you didn’t trust him 20 years ago, why invest your time and faith in him now? Because you “loved him very much?” Not a good answer.

I had this amazing feeling that we had both grown up and were ready to be in a more mature relationship.   That’s a feeling, not a fact. It’s based on brain chemistry and wishful thinking, not based on any evidence that your boyfriend had developed a stronger character over time.

The first several months were great; we had many fun dates and became intimate within the first month. This describes the first several months of EVERY relationship. It doesn’t mean yours is special.

There were some red flags early on, like when I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he laughed it off. Believe the negatives, ignore the positives.

I learned that he had been dating someone very seriously immediately before we started dating, that he was not over her when we started dating, and in fact had tried to get back together with her nearly 3 months after we started dating (she said no).   And you stayed?

Also, he had a female “friend” (the former best friend of the aforementioned serious girlfriend) who he spent an inordinate amount of time with (and actually lied to me about sleeping at her house) but insisted there was nothing going on with her.   And you stayed?!

It made me uneasy but he continued to spend time with her. He routinely didn’t answer his phone, claimed he didn’t hear it, or the phone was dead, or made some other excuse, and was extremely protective of his phone. All along, he insisted there was nothing going on and that I was insecure and pathetic for thinking otherwise. This went on for months. And you stayed?!!

9 months into this relationship, things came to a head when I caught him in a lie.   And you stayed?!!!

He actually had another girlfriend — someone whose name I had never heard before — for at least 4 months prior to the “big fight”. I found hundreds of phone calls and text messages between them, including a 275 minute call on the night of my son’s birthday, pictures of them together, and even spoke to her on the phone where she confirmed the relationship. He ended that relationship just prior to the “big fight”. He denied everything and has still never really apologized. I tried to break up with him but I just didn’t want to let him go. That was almost 2 years ago. And you stayed?!!!!

Now, he is doing everything right now, but I am having so much trouble forgetting what happened. I am tortured by it. I try my best to trust him but it is very difficult. He tells me that my “trust issues” are my issues and refuses to acknowledge his part in it. This is called gaslighting. Run.

My question is — do people really change?

No!

Did that big fight — where he almost lost me — make him realize how important I am to him so that he won’t put the relationship at risk again?

No!

Can I marry him even though I still feel some much pain from the things he did behind my back?

No!!

What is painfully obvious to everybody except you, Jen, is that there is nothing confusing about your situation at all — apart from why you are still considering marrying a man you don’t trust who has lied to you and cheated on you repeatedly.

Please, get out and believe me when I tell you that virtually ANYBODY ON EARTH is a better husband candidate than your current “boyfriend.”

I know that’s not what you want to hear but there is honestly no other interpretation of your situation.

If you marry this guy and he cheats on you, don’t blame him. Blame yourself for willingly marrying a known cheater.

And I normally don’t do this, but your situation is exceptional: please click here to get yourself healthy and find yourself a better man soon.

You deserve much more than what you’re settling for right now.

  The post My Boyfriend Has Cheated on Me a Bunch of Times. Should I Marry Him? appeared first on Dating Coach – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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