#but if a horse decides something is scary we’re gonna spend a whole lot of time making it not scary

[woundedheartwithin]

I’m probably fundamentally a Not Good Horse Person simply because I forget that other folks’ horses are fucking nuts because mine are so solid. Like my mare is the shyer of the two, but her idea of spooking is flinching and backing up a couple of steps. My gelding just raises his head and like that’s it. So like I’m so used to mine not giving a single shit about anything that if I had to handle somebody else’s horse I’d probably die because I’d be treating it like one of mine lmao

[gra-sonas]

In the next episode of The CW series Roswell, New Mexico, entitled “Como La Flor,” Liz (Jeanine Mason) and Rosa (Amber Midthunder) are forced to revisit their past when their estranged mother (Bertila Damas) show back up in their lives. At the same time, Max (Nathan Parsons) is trying to make sense of his own past, now that he’s started having flashbacks to childhood memories that have been long buried.

During this 1-on-1 phone interview with Collider, actor Nathan Parsons talked about why it was important that his character’s death mean something, the different dynamics in Season 2, how much he knew about what Max’s journey would be, where things are at for Max and Liz, Max’s concern for Isobel (Lily Cowles), learning about the aliens’ history as more and more memories come back, how crazy the second season finale will be, and what it’s meant to have such tremendous support from some of the original series cast members.

Collider: First of all, congratulations on already being picked up for a third season. I’m sure that feels nice and reassuring to know that the network believes in the show like that.

NATHAN PARSONS: Yeah, it’s awesome. Especially considering how up in here everything else is right now, it’s nice to know that, whenever we all can get back to the office, we’ve got somewhere to go.

Now that Max is officially back in the world of Roswell, what was your reaction when you were first told that he was going to die? Were you like, “Hey, did you forget that I’m the male lead of this show?,” or were you game for however that played out?

PARSONS: Honestly, I had an inkling that it was spiraling towards that, pretty much for most of Season 1. Obviously, you never know for sure until it’s on the piece of paper in front of you, in the script, but I had an inkling of it. By the time the script for that episode came around, and it was like, “All right, officially, you’re dead,” I was so exhausted with the crazy schedule of shooting the season that I was like, “Thank you! I’ll take it. I can take a nap.” The end of last season was absolutely insane. We were in the pouring rain, in freezing temperatures, screaming at each other for 18 hours a day, so that’ll take it out of you. I was actually a little excited about it because it was like, “What else is gonna happen? What are you doing?” I think the writers did a great job of giving me little things to play with, via a little zombie action, or the imaginary friend. Those were all fun things for me to chew on, while people were figuring out how to bring me back.

What was it like to be a part of the show, before you were officially back in the storyline? Did it feel weird to have it be so very different, at the beginning of the season, or was it fun to get to play with some different dynamics and aspects of the character, that you couldn’t have done last season?

PARSONS: It was both, to be honest. I love all of the things that I got to play with. It’s fun to play. That’s why we do what we do. But it was a little confusing ‘cause I would show up to a table read, and I would have no idea what was going on. People would be talking, and there were characters and I didn’t know who they were or what they did. But I knew my little bit and I focused on that, which was fun. So, it was both. It was very confusing and I was pretty lost, but I enjoyed it. I tried to make the most of it.

How much of Max’s journey were you told about, at the beginning of this season? Did you know how and when he would ultimately come back, before that happened?

PARSONS: I knew, pretty much from the end of Season 1. Between Season 1 and Season 2, I had a lot of conversations with the writers about how we didn’t want Max to come back, right away. That’s cheap. His death had to matter, otherwise, what were we doing? So, I knew it would be some time. Beyond that, I didn’t really know much. My purview into what was going on was so narrow because I wasn’t there for most of it. It was actually nice going in, not necessarily knowing what’s going on because it puts me immediately in the same place Max is in. When I wake up, eight months, or whatever it is, after I died, all of this stuff has happened and I’m going, “Huh? What? You’re doing what now?!” So, it was fun to play catch up, on screen. When I’m asking everybody, “What happened,?,” I was really genuinely asking about what happened because I didn’t know. I really enjoyed that. Going forward, from the time I come back until the end of the season, I had a vague idea of what was going on, but you never know until you see the script.

It feels like Max’s journey this season is only just beginning, now that he’s back. What can you say to tease this next episode and what we’ll see with him?

PARSONS: Well, we know that Max and Liz are back, essentially. Now, we’re gonna Liz’s mom come back into the picture, played by the amazing Bertila [Damas]. She brings a whole new level of complexity to that whole family dynamic because now we’re no longer just Liz and Max. It’s now Liz and Max, and Rosa, and their dad, and now the mom’s coming back. We’ve got the whole family going. That’s a whole web to untangle, right there.

How does Max feel about all of that? Is it more than he bargained for?

PARSONS: It always is, right? You start a relationship and suddenly you go, “Oh, you’re the sibling? Hi, it’s nice to meet you. You’re the dad? Hi, it’s very nice to meet you. And you’re the mom? Okay. It’s very nice to meet you.” You end up getting slammed through that gauntlet, sooner or later, and in this case, it’s happening sooner. I don’t think you ever quite anticipate that, but it always happens. I don’t know why we think that we can escape it because it always happens.

Isobel has always been a little intense, even before Max died, and now she’s even more intense about wanting to spend time with him. What can you say about the dynamic between Max and Isobel now, and what is he most concerned about, when it comes to her?

PARSONS: I think it’s just that, her intensity. I don’t know what she’s been through, with the pregnancy and all of that. I just know that she’s a little more chomping at the bit. They had that huge fight, that big smack down, and she’s obviously become super powerful. It’s a little like, “Easy up, sis. I’m here. It’s cool.” For me, it’s only been a minute, so not much has changed. For her, it’s been a lot longer. I don’t really have an understanding of what she’s been through, so it’s like, “Hold your horses,” a little bit there.

Max had a very interesting vision, at the end of the last episode, and obviously you’ll get into that more, this season. What can you say to tease that, and where that will lead him, this season? Are we going to learn more about his alien side?

PARSONS: Absolutely. You’re gonna learn more about all three of us and our history. That’s always been a burning question, since the beginning. What happened before we woke up in the desert? No one knows. We don’t remember. It’s bee suppressed. Now, we know that they were experimenting and that’s horrible, but that was all post pod. Now, suddenly, these memories are starting to pop up. Not only is it an effect of being dead and being in a pod for so long and having those members seep in, but also it’s just my effort to suppress those memories and suppress the questions of, who are we? Where do we come from? I’ve worked so hard to try to be human, but I’m not. That’s a tough pill to swallow. At the end of Season 1, Noah said, “This is who we are. This is where we come from. Whoever wins the war is coming for you.” And it was like, “What war? What are you talking about? Why were we in these eggs?” All of that stuff has been a question, from the beginning. Noah re-awoke it. As much as I’m still trying to suppress it, now it’s going, “Sorry, I’m already awake now. And they’re coming back. Whether you want to remember or not, you’re going to.” And then, you have to decide, if you keep trying to suppress it or if you go, “Fine, what do I need to know? How do I remember? Who the hell are we? Where did we come from?” That’s really where the shift is gonna come, and we see that more and more of these memories are coming back.

Obviously, you want those answers, but at the same time, is that also scary for him?

PARSONS: Absolutely. That’s why I’ve suppressed it for so long, to begin with. It’s scary enough that we all have these weird powers. It’s even scarier to think, if we were only children and we can do what we can do, and I can call down a lightning storm and throw it into someone’s chest as an untrained child, what were we capable of? What are we capable of? And do we want to know? Not necessarily, but we don’t have a choice. That’s why you go, do I pretend that it doesn’t exist? I’ve squashed that part of myself so hard that it’s almost like I’m normal, but at the end of the day, I’m not. I’m not like everybody else. You can only do that for so long, before it comes around and bites you.

Without giving away any spoilers, what can fans expect from the season finale? Last season, you had a big finale where your character ended up dead, so how does this season’s finale compare to that?

PARSONS: It’s still pretty crazy, I would say. Maybe some more people die. Maybe there are much bigger plots going on than we ever thought there were, to begin with, and they all crash to a head. We learn that there’s more to this world than our little town of Roswell, and we’ll see how that explodes before us.

It’s very cool that this re-imagining of this story has also been able to include some of the original cast members, with Shiri Appleby directing episodes and Jason Behr guest starring this season. What’s it meant to the cast, to see the original cast supporting the series and to have them around?

PARSONS: It’s awesome. This was such a loved series, when it first aired. When we first started, before Season 1 ever aired, people were going, “You’ll never replace the original. There will never be another Max.” And they’re right. I’m not Jason Behr. I’m not able to do what he did. I’m not trying to do what he did. We’re not trying to. The wonderful thing is that the cast from that original said, “No, you’re right. We’re all a part of this huge family here, and we all love this weird world that we all work in and live it.” Their support has been awesome, from the beginning. Back in Season 1, Shiri fist directed for us. Jason came in this year, and he’s been a wonderful help for me, personally, just because I admire him, as a person and as an actor. To have him around and his support is wonderful. You can’t ask for anything more than that. It’s really been nice. If there’s one thing that we’ve tried to really work at it’s to keep these stories fresh. Ultimately, every story has been told, so it’s about finding new ways to tell them. And to include the people that came before us and set the tone, to begin with, elevates what we’re trying to do. Together, as a whole family, two separate series have come together, and I think it’s wonderful.

~ Collider

[mittensmorgul]

6.12: Dragons. I fully blame the show’s budget on the fact we didn’t get ~dragony dragons~

(sorry I’ll forever be A Disappoint that we didn’t get dragony dragons. :P)

Cas swings by to examine Death’s handiwork at returning Sam’s soul, and is upset by what he finds:

CASTIEL: I'm sorry, Dean, but I warned you not to put that thing back inside him. DEAN: What was I supposed to do? Let T-1000 walk around, hope he doesn't open fire? CASTIEL: Let me tell you what his soul felt like when I touched it. Like it had been skinned alive, Dean. If you wanted to kill your brother, you should have done it outright.

Then he flaps back off to his war, because he’s convinced he can’t let himself care about these human things... Oh, poor Cas...

Bobby’s wary of Sam anyway, because Sam just tried to coldly murder him... and it takes a while for Bobby to really trust Sam again after that, soul or no soul.

Meanwhile the last thing Sam remembers is 5.22. Everything since, everything he did without his soul, is locked behind Death’s wall.

DEAN: Me and Death— SAM: Death?! The horseman? DEAN: I had leverage. It's done.

(Oh, Dean, Death said you had hubris but no leverage... he still expects you to figure out the mysterious “it’s about the souls” business) Bobby wants to tell Sam at least the basics about his year and a half, but Dean just wants to hold on to Sam being “okay” for just a little while longer.

DEAN: Yeah, but if we start throwing that crap at him, we don't know what's gonna happen. It could—it could crack the wall. BOBBY: I know. I know. DEAN: So, you know what? As far as I'm concerned, it's a gift horse, and I'm not looking for teeth. I'm sending Death a damn fruit basket. BOBBY: He's gonna find out, you know. One way or another, someone'll tell him, or he'll figure it out on his own. He's not dumb. He should it hear it from us. DEAN: Can we just leave it alone for the moment, please? BOBBY: Okay. But you better prep for the B side, 'cause when Sam realizes we're shining him, it ain't gonna be cute.

But all of a sudden Sam’s bringing up the promises he’d extracted from Dean back before he said yes to Lucifer. Dean tells him he spent a year with Lisa and Ben, but turns up the radio (Jethro Tull’s A New Day Yesterday) and refuses to talk about it anymore.

So they go to work this case, interviewing witnesses, and Dean’s practically giddy over Sam ~just being Sam~.  Showing concern for witnesses, being his old gentle, sweet self.

*pauses to smile at Dean smiling about Sam*

DEAN: "I've decided I'm going to give Stan my most precious gift." SAM: Wow. That sounded really creepy coming out of your mouth. DEAN: I think I delivered it.

And here’s the closest we get to actually seeing a dragon, a swoopy whooshy noise and a stiff breeze chasing a girl from above. >.>

Dean lets Sam take the lead on the interview again, until he begins to understand what “purity” has to do with why she survived, and in order to test that theory he needs to ask if she really was a virgin (while Sam stands by uncomfortably watching this happen).

Sam doesn’t remember the last year of weirdo monster sightings, and can’t believe it when Dean considers it might actually be dragons... But the monsters have been acting fishy for a while now.

Dean’s already running into difficulty trying to keep Sam from even noticing the Great Wall of Sam. He likely knows he’s running on borrowed time before Sam starts scratching at it. He’s already getting uncomfortably close:

SAM: Hey, did we hunt a skinwalker lately? DEAN: Doesn't ring a bell. Why? SAM: I don't know. Just...déjà vu or something. Are you sure? I could have sworn— DEAN: You got to remember, your eggs are still a little scrambled, right? But, yeah, I'm sure. SAM: All right. Yeah. Never mind.

Dr. Visyak teaches Dean about dragons and how to kill them (and that they haven’t even been seen in over 700 years)

(and okay this is a hilarious scene:

but really I find it hard to believe that Dean wouldn’t be “worthy” to pull that sword out of the stone... If Sam can lift Mjolnir, Dean should be able to pull the Sword of Brunswick out of a rock)

(but that’s still an incredible face journey set to some hilariously dramatic music so I guess that makes it a little easier to bear :P)

SAM: Well, Bobby, what happened this last year? BOBBY: It had its moments. No more than usual. It's got nothing to do with you, Sam. How could it? SAM: Right. 'Course. BOBBY: Call me if you need anything.

Sam is just looking for answers because he just feels like everyone’s keeping stuff from him... so he calls Cas. Who awkwardly tries to hug him. :P And give Sam just enough info for him to figure out that he’d been walking around soulless for a year...

Dean has meanwhile found a way to defeat the rock, with explosives.

DEAN: You rocks think you're so smart.

Oh, Dean.

(the sword is broken)

(oops)

Down in the sewers, Dean snags a handful of gold off the dragon’s hoard, and Sam finds a makeshift altar of some sort. They find the missing girls locked in cage, but the disappointing dragons find them.

(the dragon asks Dean where he got the sword, Dean answers “Comicon.”)

The dragon tries to use his Weldy Fingers to fight back (oooh scary), and Dean stabs him with the sword. One of the dragons escapes.

Back at Bobby’s, Dean’s enjoying the bag full of gold. Sam tells him to just cut to the chase and roll in it. But Sam also confesses that Cas told him the full truth about his soulless year...

DEAN: You weren't supposed to know. SAM: What I did? To Bobby? To you? Of course I should know. DEAN: Sam, Death didn't just shove your soul back in, okay? He put up the great wall of Sam between you and the things that you don't remember. And trust me when I say that the things you don't know could kill you. That's not a joke. SAM: All right. But I have to set things right. Or what I can, anyway. DEAN: It wasn't you. SAM: You know, I kind of feel like I got slipped the worst mickey of all time...and I woke up to find out that I had burnt the whole city down. And you can say it wasn't me, but...I'm the one with the zippo in my pocket, you know? So I'm not sure it's that cut and dry. And, look, I a-appreciate you trying to protect me. I really do. But I got to fix... What I got to fix. So I need to know what I did. DEAN: But you don't know how dangerous that could be. SAM: What would you do? Right. Same thing.

Bobby’s been reading through a book they found in the dragons’ lair:

DEAN: Purgatory? Awesome. Well, that is good to know. So, you're saying that these, uh, dragon freaks were squatting in the sewers and reading tone poems about purgatory? BOBBY: Oh, no, no, no. They're reading an instruction manual. DEAN: What? BOBBY: Yeah. If you're nuts enough to want access to a place that gnarly, this book will show you how to open a door. DEAN: Door to purgatory. Well, I know a demon who would have loved to have known about that. So, how do you open the door? BOBBY: Ask Cloverfield. I'm pretty sure he's got that page.

*spends five minutes lamenting Eve’s entire storyline and imagining how it could’ve been if the show had like... three times the budget...*

But this brings up a lot of the same things we’re facing in s12, with a riled up monster population and what that might mean for the BMoL. Because this time around, the hunters are in a sort of “the enemy of my enemy” situation WITH the monsters, against the BMoL.

[derevosky]

jearmin roadtrip au

this is just a throwback of tinkerlu. she deactivated her tumblr wherein her tumblr is full of treasures especially jearmin like gosh i really miss her.

anyway here’s her fic:

ok so armin’s senior year of high school has just ended and holy fuck is that exciting. he’s so exCITED WOAH. he’s so excited. so. so like the plan is that hanji and levi are gonna be coming to pick armin up in about a week so he’s super pumped because idk he’s like. DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL? WOAH. and he gets to hang out with his dorky but cool cousin and her scary fiancé and his BEST BRO EREN RIGHT? WRONG.

So eren is a really loyal dude right like. he’d do anything for armin ok. and it’s not his fault that like. his mom didn’t tell him she had signed him and mikasa up for some cooking classes man idk. (ANNIE WOULD SOMEHOW ALSO BE INVOLVED SO THEN EREN COULD HAVE A SUMMER ROMANCE TOO OK) carla is somehow involved in this whole “eren can’t come with u and hanji on ur trip this year” thing and armin is like. oh. fuck. so he’s like. well shit. cause he needs a new friend to bring and armin has lots of friends but. not really. ones that he’d necessarily want to spend like. 2 weeks with. in a car. with his nutty cousin yo. so him and eren have a sleep over every night that week to make up for the fact that they won’t be spending 2 weeks of a roadtrip together and armin’s like “EREN WHO THE FUCKLE DO I BRING?” and eren’s like. “shit idk reiner?” and armin’s like “reiner’s at his lakehouse with bert” and eren does the eyebrow thing and armin does the eyebrow thing back cause everyone knows reiner and bert are doing the do. so then eren’s like “YO I GOT IT. CONNIE” and armin’s like. HOLY SHIT YEAH THAT COULD WORK CONNIE’S RAD. BUT HEY. GUESS WHAT. TURNS OUT. CONNIE IS ON HIS UNCLE’S RANCH IN THE COUNTRY. LIKE. CONNIE WHAT THE FUCK. and connie’s like “sorry y’all” and armin’s like. fUCK EVERYTHING. and eren’s like. shit son at this rate you’re gonna be alone with levi and hanji that’s gonna suck. armin does NOT. i repeat. does NOT want to go alone at all because levi and hanji alone in the car together are bad enough cause they bicker like they’re already married and then they make out and argue and hanji’s laugh is cute but can get obnoxious and levi is so SCARY AND ARMIN LOVES LOVES LOVES THEM TO BITS. I MEAN THEY’RE FAMILY BUT. FAMILY CAN GET. VERY ANNOYING. but he also doesn’t NOT want to go on the road trip because??? ROAD TRIP. SEEINGS THINGS. SEEING. THE. WORLD. EXCUSE ME??? ARMIN ISn’T GONNA GIVE THAT SHIT UP EVER. NEVER EVER. and then suddenly armin feels so fucking dumb and he’s like. marco. and eren like snaps his fingers and he’s like POLO! and armin’s like. don’t do that. so armin calls marco and marco’s like. “sorry bud but my sister just had her first baby so next week is family time, i’m gonna go see the new babe, sorry sorry” and armin’s like “it’s ok freckled jesus, i know babies are important” and then marco’s like “one sec” and armin can hear jean in the background. and suddenly everything clicks together in his mind and he feels so LAME. BECAUSE JEAN. so armin can hear like marco say “jean do u want mac n cheese�� and jean is like “helll YEAH” and armin’s like “MARCO. PUT. JEAN ON THE PHONE.” and marco’s like. lol ok. so then it’s like: "y-yo" "JEAN!" armin yells into the reciever causing jean to cringe cause WOAH NOW BOY UR VOICE IS LOUD "jeez, didn’t anyone ever tell u to use your inside voice? god my ears are ringing." and like armin ignores jean’s obvious annoyance. (annoyance that helped get them over the awkward greetings hell yea) "sorry i just. i can’t believe i didn’t think of this sooner!" "think of what?" jean and armin are not NOT friends but that’s not to go and say they’re GOOD friends either. at least. well. it’s more of a. they get along well and there’s a slice of sexual tension between the two that neither really understood so they both always just dismissed it as something weird "would you like to join me on a road trip with my cousin and her fiance?" armin can hear marco laughing (laughing at how jean’s mouth drops because what) "w-what?? is this some. dumb joke or?" "no jean it’s-" and then jean hears like. struggling and then he hears eren’s voice saying something like "NO. I’D RATHER U GO ALONE THAN WITH JEAN" and armin’s saying something like "EREN YOU DON’T EVEN DISLIKE JEAN AS MUCH AS YOU THINK YOU DO" and jean is like. "Armin. yes. whatever the thing you asked? yes." and he realizes too late that he let his competitive impulses take over and like. now he’s just agreed to go on a road trip with a (very very cute holy fuck armin is so cute and nice u don’t understand) acquaintance  right after he’s finally just graduated from high school. but jean is not a man to go back on his word and he did already agree so. he decides he’s not going to back out. no matter what. so then armin like. legit fuckin…sQUEALS and he’s like “THANK U THANK U THANK U THANK U THANK U OH MY GOD JEAN WE’RE GONNA HAVE A LOT OF FUN I PROMISE I PROMISE OMFGMFGOMFGOM THANK THANK” and he like hangs up (he doesn’t even tell jean the details omf) and then marco is smiling at jean like, marco has a fricken apron on that says something really lame cause marco’s the type to wear a lame apron (and still look so kawaii) and he like and he’s like "looks like ur summer isn’t gonna be as boring as you thought huh?" cause jean really didn’t have any summer plans and jean’s like "omf ur so lame pls stop" and then him and marco eat mac n cheese and watch something like icarly because why the fuck not ————————————————————————————————- ok boom, fast forward to the day before the trip, so armin texts jean a list of the things he’ll probs want to bring and jean is like woah hello but he’s like “nah it’s cool” so jean is actually kind of excited about this trip because it’s either this or being bored so?? but anyways so hanji and levi arrive that night and they’re in armin’s house hanging out and hanji’s like “yo wheres eren?” cause usually he also stays there over night the day before they leave cause they leave at like 5 am to beat traffic idk levi’s weird about timing and driving and whatever. and armin’s like "oh no eren can’t actually come" and hanji like. does a double take and even levi is like. woah there cause he knows HE wouldn’t want to be a third wheel to his and hanji’s lovefest. and armin smiles and is like "don’t worry yo i got another boy lined up" and hanji is just. so smart she leans in and raises a brow and she’s like "ooh is he cute?" and armin blushes because "HANJI WHAT" because he never thought of jean that way? (liar) sure he might have stared a bit too long when in gym jean would take off his shirt after running for a long time or during the swimming unit he MAY or MAY not have stared at jean’s abs for longer than would classify it as a glance but. BUT HEY NOW. so hanji like. ruffles armin’s hair and she’s like “omf he IS cute isn’t he lemme see a picture!!!” and armin’s lIKE HANJI. but she gives him a noogie until he shows her pictures and jean has REALLY lame facebook pictures so armin’s blushing and all like “i swear he looks better in person ok” and hanji is like. laugh snorting because oh my god his selfies. but then there’s a picture of him and marco at the beach and she’s like “oh hey, he actually is hot, hello handsome” (then she does like a cat call or something) and levi’s like grinding his teeth because he gets jealous so easily but him and hanji already had a long talk about it (after he tried to punch a dude for trying to buy hanji a drink omg and hanji was like LEVI U LITTLE IDIOT but they still had wild sex that night cause they’re weird about stuff BUT THEN THE NEXT MORNING THEY HAD THE TALK U KNOW) and she’s like if u try and be a dick again like that i’ll punch ur dick and not in a sexual way so he’s like. oh shit no thanks. so anyways then. armin can’t even sleep that night because now he’s. having second thoughts because hanji reminded him that he kind. of. likes jean? not really! but. like he could. see himself kissing him. and liking it. a lot. like. ARMIN REALLY DOESN”T THINK ABOUT BOYS THAT MUCH BUT (LIAR) he came out of the closet a while back like. he didn’t really have doubts about his sexuality ok like. he remembers that he told eren and eren was like “what’s gay” (and armin had to explain it to eren i guess cause eren never pays attention to things idk he’s probaby always thinking about hot wheels cause that’s what boys think about) and mikasa was like “cool” so everyone was cool with it like. hell yea so armin’s real chill about it all. but he doesn’t usually like…fantasizing about his friends/classmates but he may or may not have had a few fantasies that starred one horsefaced fellow. so he’s blushing and like. OH FUCK HOW COULD I. FORGET. OH SHIT THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA. CURSE U CONNIE FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO GO GOD CONNIE THIS IS ALL UR FAULT A PLAUGE ON UR FAMILY CONNIE A PLAGUE MEANWHILE jean is cuddling up to go to sleep and he’s like. thinking about spending 2 weeks with armin and he doesn’t hate the idea at all. he starts thinking about all his conversations with armin and he’s like. i actually really like this kid, he’s smart and sweet and kinda like marco but i don’t see him as a brother??? so anyways, jean then thinks about armin’s lips and he’s like. he also has nice lips. and then he’s like WOAH THERE COWBOY HOLD UR HORSES HAHA LOL THAT’S ARMIN WE’RE TALKING ABOUT HE’S A BOY YEAH LIKE WOAH CALM DOWN THERE JEAN JR. and jean’s like. woah there calm down. and so he has trouble sleeping too so he goes and sleeps in his ma’s bedroom (yeah he’s like 18 so fricken what) and he cuddles with her and she’s like “jean ur 18 u dumb shit get outta my bed” but then she strokes his hair and kisses his forehead cause she honest to god loves the kid even if he’s a dumb butt sometimes SO ANYWAYS. BOOM BAM SUN IS UP THE DAY HAS BEGUN so it’s the morning now. and armin is blushing and tired and hanji is loud and hairy and levi is like. everyone be quiet i’m trying to loudly pack up the van while mumbling to myself. and jean’s mom drops him off and she’s like “be a good kid ok” and jean’s like “yo i’ll try ma” and she smacks the back of his head and stares at him and he’s like “OMF OK CALM DOWN” and she drives away and then jean is kind of awkwardly standing by levi’s van and levi just. YANKS jean’s stuff outta his arms and is grumbling to himself and he packs it in the car. and hanji runs over and is like. “WOAH JEAN UR TALLER IN PERSON HUH?” and jean’s like “do i know you?” and hanji is like “no but armin showed me ur facebook pics last night” and armin LIKE. BODY SLAMS INTO HANJI AND HE’SLIKE “NO I DIDN’T HANJI STOP WHAT THE HECK HANJI LOL VER FUNNY” and jean can’t help but laugh because. maybe this won’t be as awkward as he thought and armin is so extra cute today oh. what is this. so they all finally get in the car and hanji is sitting with levi in the front and armin and jean are sitting in the roomy back and levi is like. “so jean, since you’re new to all this, i’m going to tell you the rules” and hanji like. turns around and in her best levi impression she’s like “there are no rules” and armin laughs cause hanji has the best levi impression like omf hanji. and levi groans and is like "YES THERE ARE RULES." and hanji is like. "omf ur such a baby" so then levi lists this HUGE jumble of rules like "no touching the car, no dirt in the car, no anything in the car, ur now allowed in the car" and jean is just so fuckin confused and hanji is like, just zoning out and then jean feels a hand on his arm and he looks at armin and armin’s like "just ignore him, he always does this, i think he’s just nervous about the trip so it helps him to pretend he has control over things he kind of really doesn’t." and jean nods because hey he can understand that kind of thing. so then they let levi talk himself out and then the car ride is pretty silent actually until they make their first stop to rest for the night it’s this nice little place and armin and jean share a room and levi and hanji share a room and like. jean and armin are about to go into their room and they see hanji grab levi’s ass as they’re closing the door to their own room and jean blushes so hard and armin just sighs because this is so normal for him. so he gets the door open and they awkwardly stand in their room and thank god there are 2 separate beds. so they get ready for bed and jean tries not to think about how kawaii armin looks in his baggy pjs and the fact that “ARMIN U. WEAR. GLASSES?” and armin’s like “usually i wear contacts” and jean’s like WOWOWOWOWOOW cause jean sure does like glasses. anyways. they go to sleep and it’s a rather uneventful night for them both (not for levi and hanji though ;) ;) ;) ) so then they set out on the road again but this day is much less awkward so hanji starts talking about the scenery and then levi makes a poop joke, like a real ass joke about shitting, and usually the car is silent after he makes them but JEAN. JEAN. FUCKING. LAUGHS. LIKE. SNORTS LIKE. AND. LEVI GASPS AND IS LIKE “FINALLY SOMEONE WHO. KNOWS REAL COMEDY UP IN HERE” and armin and hanji groan and jean is like “OMFG POOP” and then they laugh about bad jokes like. jean fuckin loses it and armin wants to be annoyed but jean’s laugh is actually really cute. so anyways then they’re just driving and it all looks so pretty and jean starts asking dumb questions like. “would u rather be a short man who looks like a man, or a tall guy who still looks like a kid” and THEN HE REALIZES HE. SHOULDn’T HAVE SAID THAT CAUSE. LEVI AND. THEN. HANJI STARTS. LOSING IT. SHE LAUGHS SO HARD SHE’S LIKE “I”M GONNA PEE MY PANTS OH MY GOD” and levi is like “fuck u jean” and jean’s lke NO I SWEAR. I SWEAR I DIDN’T MEAN U. and he just keeps digging a deeper hole for himself and he’s like motherfuck me and my big mouth and armin is laughing too though and that’s cute. and then they all settle down and jean’s like omf and then they get some fries and they sing or something idk. then they sleep in the car that night. ————— IDK SO. LOTS OF THINGS HAPPEN. YOU KNOW LOTS CAN HAPPEN IN THE DAYS THAT HAVE APPARENTLY HAPPENED ALREADY. but like. the next few days are really rad. jean already feels so comfortable with hanji and armin and levi and him and levi are actually like. bonding. and hanji and armin are talking and they’re watching levi show jean some huge-ass trees and hanji leans over to armin and is like "oh my gosh they’re actually getting along" and she’s smiling and armin’s like "who knew what laughing at levi’s poop joke could do for ur relationship with him" and then hanji tickles armin and his loud ass squeaks get levi and jean’s attention and then jean stares too long and levi punches his shoulder and he’s like "hey jean, you got a boner for armin?" and jean splutters and is like "WHAT NO?" and levi is like "lol yeah right, you sound like me when i kept sayin i didn’t like hanji." and then levi leans against a tree and is just watching hanji kiss armin’s forehead and tickle him and jean is standing there awkwardly and levi’s like "my future wife" and jean like. rubs the back of his head and he’s like "hah cool." and levi’s like "yo jsyk ur coming to the wedding. i’ve already decided." and he gives jean this. super serious look and jean like. is like. WOAH??? and he smiles a dumb jean smile and is like "hell yea bro" and then levi starts walking towards the other two and jean follows and is like  i think he likes me woah that’s awesome (yo cause everyone has heard stories about levi from armin and eren and the dude does not sound easy to get along with but hey. jean’s special) so then that night they’re all sitting on the end of levi’s van looking at the stars and hanji and armin keep talking about the constellations and then jean and levi keep inturrupting with like “oh u know what that one is? my ASS” and they’re such CHILDREN and then hanji smacks levi and he pulls her closer into his arms and it’s cute and then armin looks at jean and he’s like "hey jean? thanks for coming i’m really glad you’re here honestly." and jean’s like. "y-yeah…" and it’s like the right mood for a kiss and it’s very emotional but they don’t kiss (not yet) and then. suddenly. it’s saturday. and it’s almost been a whole week and they can’t believe it and it’s crazy. and they’re all. so. like. it’s like. they are all close lik.e after you have a sleepover with someone and you’re suddenly like best friends? that’s what it’s like for jean and them like. they’re like. like JEAN IS ANNOYING AND WHATEVER BUT WHEN. HE’S KIND OF. put into an environment like this he chills out and hanji and levi love him ok they’re like “omf i hope him and armin kiss” and they’re like, shipping them so hard and ANYWAS SO. SO OK. so then they make another stop for the night. they don’t stop at a hotel/bed and breakfast EVERY night, just when it’s possible. but this night it’s possible but. it’s like. some place meant for honeymooning couples. so levi and hanji are like yes pls but armin and jean are like ????? Ohouegh so anyways. levi checks them all in and the person at the front desk looks at armin and winks and armin’s like NONONONO U DON’T UNDERSTAND AND jean like. stumbles and he’s like “WE’RE NOT TOGETHER” really loud and the lady just laughs and she’s like “yeah right” and they’re so blushy and like. this is SO DUMB. LIKE. the place itself isn’t even like. that romantic it’s just like a small place idk. it has a hot tub outside. so anyways. armin and jean go into their room and it’s really embarrassing cause it’s obviously meant for a recently married couple cause like. the bed is the cheesy heart shaped shit and it all looks really crappy but it’s just. meant to be romantic or something like everything’s red and there’s a pack of condom’s on the bed or something like. it’s fuckin weird. and armin starts blushing and jean’s like WHAT THE HECK IS THIS. and they’re both so AWKWARD and jean’s like “i guess i’ll take a shower” and armin’s like “OH OK I’m GONNA CHECK OUT THE HOT TUB” cause he just??? but then jean is like "OH YEAH ME TOO ACTUALLY" cause jean loves hot tubs man. and armin’s like fuck no. but he can’t say he doesn’t wanna go check it out now cause then jean would know somethings up but there isn’t anything up!!!!??? AND SO THEY. AWKWARDLY CHANGE INTO THEIR SWIM SUITS AND WALK DOWN TO THE HOT TUB AND. armin just. GETS IN THE HOT TUB AS FAST AS POSSIBLE AND WOAH THAT’S REALLLY HOT. and he’s suddenly really excited about the temperature cause it feels so FUCKING. GOOD ON HIS SORE MUSCLES so he looks at jean smiling to tell him that but jean’s like. jean wore his shirt on the walk down to the hot tub right so he’s taking it off and armin’s like oh no abs oh no pecs oh no body oh no look oh no oh no oh no. and he looks down and jean gets in and is like. WOAH THAT’S SO HOT OHOAHOAHHeouYESSS. and armin’s like. blushing but he gets over it and they relax finally and have a little splash fight and it’s kind of dark outside but it’s so nice and there’s a small breeze and the water is so warm and they’re both relaxing and armin notices that there are like. smell good candles and he uses the lighter to have those and it’s like. so relaxing and they’re just. so. it’s so chill. and then. and then things get deep. cause you know hot tubs are where you talk about all that deep shit. that’s where like. they’re both just a little overheated so they’re not ENTIRELY in their full focused mind and they’re tired enough already to just. spill about everything in their life and they DO. so jean talks about his embarrassing childhood moments and his mom being really weird and annoying and how she caught him masturbating once and then armin asks him what he was masturbating to because he’s armin and then jean is like “OH MY GOD WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT TO ASK” and armin’s like “SORRY I WAS JUST CURIOUS OMF” and jean splashes him and moves closer to armin and like. leans in to whisper and he’s like “i was jerkin it to…weiners” and aRMIN. LAUGHS SO HARD. CAUSE JEAN WHAT HTE FUCK AND JEAN’S LAUGHING SO HARD AND He’S LIKE OMFG DUDE UR FACE AND ARMIn’S LIKE HAHAhahaaaaa OMFGgg and jean’s like. “nah nah don’t worry like, i was jerking it to like some hot chick i don’t remember” and armin’s like "lol why would i worry?" and jean’s like "um. like…idk? i’m not gay is what i mean." and armin’s like "Oh oh. oh. yeah yes." and jean’s like. does this awkward laugh and just. MAKES THIS WORSE AND He’S LIKE "cause. cause only gay dudes. uh. jerk it to dicks right hahaha" and armin’s like "yeah man i ONLY dingle my dangle to dicks like, that’s the ONLY thing, there is NOTHING else." and jean’s like. "haha. WHAT? ur gay?" and armin’s like "yeah man" and jean’s like OH. OH OH oH oH OH. and then it’s awkward for a second like. armin’s like. oh wait jean isn’t a dick about this stuff is he? and armin has a small internal freakout cause this could mess up the rest of the entire TRIP???? AND jEAN is like "no i’m. that’s good." and armin’ slike. THAT’S GOOD? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. GOOD FOR WHAT DOES JEAN LIKE ME??? WAIT ARMIN DOn"T THINK THAT HE LITEARLLY JUST SAID HE’S NOT GAY ARMIND DON’T BE DUmb and they’re just LAME BOYS IN A HOT TUB AND THEY’VE BEEN IN FOR TOO LONG AND. SO. JEAn’s LIKE. hey now. and jean just. kind  of. looks forward and is like. "i lied. i was jerkin it to dicks" and armin’s like. "oh. cool." and then iT’S JUST REALLY AWKwARD CAUSE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO EVEN SAY LIKE. WAS JEAN JUST. TELLING HIM THAT OR WAS HE MAKING FUN OF HIM OR WAS HE TRYING TO TELL ARMIN HE ACTUALLY LIKED DUDES OR?????? ARMIN IS LIKE. GOING OVER THE CONVERSATION IN HIS HEAD TO TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON ARMIN’S LIKE “ok jean told me he wasn’t gay because he didn’t crank his lever to dingles but then i told him i was gay and then he told me he does doongle the dongle to dickies? what the fuck” and jean is like "i wanna kiss him i wanna kiss him i wanna kiss him oh god what the fuck" and armin’s like "hey wanna get out now?" cause his skin is feeling gross and like. wrinkly and pruney and stuff  and jean like. jumps cause he was lost in thought and he looks at armin and he has no idea what he just said so he’s like. "ok" but neither of them. like. move to get out. and they’re both just kind of staring at each other and. AND. AND THEN. JEAN LEANS IN AND. AND. AAANNNNNNDD. THEIR lIPS TOUCH. JUSt. A TOUCH. AND THEY’RE BOTH. FROZEN WITH THEIR LIPS JUST. TOUCHING TOGETHER. JUST A CHASTE KISS U KNOW. and. it’s like. time stops like. woah there. and like. armin suddenly just. feels SO hOt LIKE. HE”S IN A HOT TUB BUT IT JUST FEELS HOTTER THAN THAT ANd HE JUST. KIND OF. STARTS LIKE. REALLY KISSING JEAN AND JEAN’S LKE OH. and THEY THEN THEY’RE JUST. LIKE. sloppily making out kind of (THIS IS LIKE. AN ENTIRE HIGHSCHOOL CAREER OF AWKWARD SEXUAL TENSION BEING LET OUT OK LIKE. DO U UNDERSTAND LIKE, THEY WEREN’T REALLY FRIENDS BUT THEY WERE LAB PARTNERS OR SOMETHING AND HAVE TALKED AND LAUGHED WITH EACH OTHER AND FOR YEARS HAVE TRIED TO DENY THE ATTRACTION THEY HAVE FOR EACH OTHER BUT HEY HEY THEY DIDN”T TRY HARD ENOUGH APPARENTLY HAHA) but they both don’t REALLY know what they’re doing to be honest like. they’re just. emOTIONAL AND TEENAGERS. And THEn they like break for air and armin’s like “OK WE SHOULD .UH LEt’S GET OUT NOW.” aND HE LIKE. IS GIGGLING AND FEELS DRUNK and just of slips while he’s getting out of the hot tub and jean tries to catch him but they both kind of slip BUT THEY’rE OK. and then they kind of like. run back up to their room like. omfg. and just. they get back into their room and are having like. a giggle fit thing going on like. a serious giggle attack and they both kind of fall on the bed and they’re laughing so hard and just. then you know like jean looks at armin and his cheeks are all flushed and he doesn’t have a shirt on and he just wow and jean’s like. “armin i think i’m gay 4 u” and armin’s like “jean i think that’s the gayest thing you’ve ever said” and then like. armin pulls him back in for another kiss and it’s really intense again right like. they get REALLY into it and. idk it’s just. very intense like. armin rolls on top of jean right and they’re kissing like woah there. LIKE YOU KNOW. WITH THE TONGUES. THEY’RE KISSING LIKE. WITH THE TONGUES WOAAAAH. and armin jUST SUDDENLY JUST. STARTS TALKING LIKE. ARMIN HAS THIS HABIT OF TALKING A LOT WHEN HE’S NERVOUS BUT HE ISN’T REALLY NERVOUS HE JUST. CAN’T STOP TALKING FOR SOME REASON (hanji has the same problem like when her and levi are making out she just. starts talking about science and stuff and levi’s like STOP OH MY GOD OR I’LL MAKE U STOP and then it’s like a fun challenge like, he knows he’s done good when he can make hanji shut the fuck up hell ya man ;) ) OK BUT YEAH. SO ARMIN JUST SUDDENLY STARTS. TALKING LIKE. he breaks the kiss and is like "jean i really really like your abs, do you work out a lot? what’s your workout plan do you eat a lot of vegetables? you’re a good runner i know that you seem like the athletic type too and i’ve always found that really attractive about you. gosh when i think about it jean i’ve always found you REALLY attractive you know like. I never SAID anything or THOUGHT much about it but. you’re just. very VERY much my type did you know that Jean?" and jean’s like. WHY IS HE TALKING SO MUCH HE’S SO CUTE?? and just armin is so embarrassed cause he doesn’t know how to stop talking and he’s just like. touching jean’s sides or something idk and jean laughs cause HEY THAT TICKLES. AND THEN ARMIN CAN”T HELP IT HE STARTS TICKLING HIM AND JUST. THEN JEAN IS LIKE (IDK WHAT’S WITH THIS AU AND TICKLING MAN IDK) "STOP STOP STOP STOP" BUT ARMIN WON’T STOP SO JEAN JUST. SUDDENLY FLIPS THEM SO NOW JEAN’S ON TOP AND HE’S HOLDING ARMIN’S WRISTS DOWN AND BOTH  OF THEM ARE SURPRISED AND JEAN’S LIKE. "oh. sorry hah" and armin just. is silent. and wide eyed and. jean thinks he must’ve just really messed up and then armin just. idk lets out some desperate breath that kind of squeaks at the end but like, a sexy squeak (I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SEXY THINGS I’m SORRY) and jean just can’t fucking handle it and he just. attacks armin’s lips and armin’s like. OFMOMGOFngn and jean doesn’t let go of his wrists and armin’s like OMF THIS IS SO HOT and jean’s like THIS IS SO HOT. and neither of them are actually like. that good at kissing but it’s just REALLY GReAT AND THEY’RE JUST. AND jean let’s go of armin’s arm’s SO HE can lower his body right so he can get his face closer and armin like digs his hands into jean’s hair and it’s just gettin real hot and heavy and JeaN’s LIKe HOT DAMN AND THEN AND THEN THERE”s A KNOOCK ON THE DOOR AND ARMIN LIKE ACCIDENTALLY HEADBUTTS JEAN CAUSE HE’S SO SURPRISED BY THE NOISE AND THEN THEY”RE BOTH LIKE. IN SO MUCH PAIN CAUSE ARMIN HIT THEIR HEADS REALLY HARD TOGETHER LIKE OUCH JESUS CHRIST. AND THE KNOCKING HAPPENS AGAIN AND ARMIn’S LIKE OWwwwww and he like. armin like goes to the door and. opens it just a crack and there’s some dude standing there. and he’s like. “your friend left this at the hot tub” and he holds up jean’s shirt and armin’s like. “oh uh. thanks” and then the guy leaves and armin closes the door and just. kind of stands there and holds up jean’s shirt and jean face palms because UGH. and then. jean is sitting on the bed and armin is leaning on the door and they’re both breahting really hard and looking anywhere but each other but finally they look into eachothers eyes and they blush and armin’s like. "uh. so…that just happened." and jean’s like. he like scratches the back of his head and he’s like "yeah. yes yeah. yes that. yeah…" and they’re both really quiet and then armin’s like. "so…" and jean’s like "soo…." and they just. armin like. walks over to jean and just. kind of sits next to him and then he notices the time and he’s like "OH SHIT. IT’s LIKE. 2 AM AND WE NEED TO GET UP AT 5 WE HAVE TO SLEEP" and jean’s like. yeah. so they like. get ready for bed and it’s really awkward but also not? but it is? like. they’re both brushing their teeth next to each other and jean like flicks armin with some water and armin laughs but then they both look at each other and blush and it’s AWKWARD BUT CUTE. and armin puts his glasses on and jean’s like “damn him and his cute glasses”  so then they’re ready for bed and. they remember that they have to share the bed so jean’s like. oh uh. shit. and armin kind of crawls into bed and looks at jean and jean’s like “you. you want me to sleep on the floor or something i mean like-” and armin like. grabs jean’s arm (HE WAs standing close to the bed) and just pulls him onto the bed and jean gets under the covers and armin like kind of just. idk. snuggles into him. and jean’s like. OH OUGMROFMIgm and armin’s BLUSHING SO HARD AND ARMIN’S THINKING AND HE’S LIKE “HOLY SHIT DID I JUST. CUDLE HIM WOW OH WOW I CAN’T BACK OUT NOW OMF WHaT I JUST TOTALLY DID THAT ON IMPULSE FUCMAOIGFGj” but then jean puts his arm around armin and. they both just. cuddle and fall asleep that way. mmmm. ——————————- YO BAM IT’S 5 AM NOW SO LEVI BANGS THE DOOR OPEN (he used the spare key to jean and armin’s room actually but levi’s the type that likes to make an entrance) SO HE’S LIKE. RISE AND SHINE U LITTLE SHITS. and armin sits up and he’s like, squinting, and his hair is all crazy and levi  HAS TO HOLD BACK A SMILE CAUSE EVEN HE CAN’T DENY THAT ARMIN’S MAJORLY KAWAII ANd THEN LIKE HE SEES JEAN GET UP AND HE REALIZES THEY WERE LIKE. CUDDLED TOGETHER AND LEVI LIKE. Smirks and he’s thinking like “oooh i can’t wait to tell hanji omf” and WOAH speak of the devil hanji walks past levi and into jean and armin’s room and she’s IN HER UNDERWEAR HANJI WHAT THE FUCK. AND SHE’S WEARING HER LIKE. SEXY UNDIES (sexy to levi at least idk how sexy they actually are he just thinks she’s sexy in general and he doesn’t even know why) aND HE ACTUALLY IS LIKE “HANJI WHAT” and she;s like "they’re just underwear levi don’t freak out. I wear bikinis like. it’s the same basically kind of" and LEVI IS LIKE. NONONOONONONOONONONONONNONONONONONO and he like. GRABS HER ARM AND PULLS HER BACK TO THEIR ROOM AND THEN. HE LKE. CLoess the door and he’s like "ARE YOU. WHAT THE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" and hanji’s like "TAKE A CHILL PILL BUD" and she’s about to walk away but levi like. grabs her face and pulls her close and he’s like "hanji. even if. you think it’s fine to walk around in ur sexy undies. eVEN IF YOU THINK THAT’S FINE. THINK ABOUT ME TOO OK LIKE??? I DON’T WANT OTHER PEOPLE SEEING HOW SEXY U ARE LIKE. I MEAN. I. I WANT TO BE THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES UR UNDIES HANJI" and hanji blushes (they’re really weird) and she’s like "omf i didn’t even think about taht" and levi’s like. "just don’t do it again" and hanji’s like. hey now. and she like. jumps him and he catches her and they make out and do sexy things. SO BACK TO THE BOYS. so they get up and get ready and are all set and they close the door behind them at the same time that levi and hanji open their door and like. it’s so obvious that they were just up to something cause levi’s face is flushed and hanji’s hair is messier than usual and they’re both just. a total mess. and jean is like. woahmg HOLY SHIT OK SO. THEY GET BACK IN THE CAR AND THEY”RE DRIVING AND THAT DAY IS PRETTY UNEVENTFUL HONESTLY. (armin and jean almost kind of act like their little make out thing never happened but like, not really cause they’re both really extra awkward around each other but it’s not terrible) BUT THEN. THEY SLEEP IN THE CAR THAT NIGHT AND THEN. THEY FINALLY. GET TO THE BEACH. OH YES. THE BEACh THAT’S RIGHT. THE BEACh YO YOOYOOYOYOOY BEACH BEACH BEACH AND ARMIN IS LIKE FUCK YES THE OCEAN FUCK ME AND HE LIKE RUNS AND GOES TO THE LITTLE CHANGING AREA AT THIS PARTICULAR BEACH AND HE PUTS HIS SUIT ON AND JUST SLAM BAM THANK YA MAM he jUMpS in the water and god armin fucking loves the ocean wow. and jean is just like. “what.” and hanji is like “I’m GONNA LOOK AT ROCKS” and then levi’s like “they really like the ocean this is like the highlight of the trip” and he like. slaps jean’s back and he’s like “good luck” and jean’s like “GOOD LUCK WITH WHAT LEVI. WITH WHAT????” but anyways so they all change into their suits and shit and armin’s like. enjoying himself so much just swimming in the goddamn ocean and then hanji joins him and OMF IT’S AN ANIME BEACH EPISODE. like. jean doesn’t konw if he wants to get in and LEVI. PICKS HIM UP AND THROWS HIM IN THE WATER AND JEAN’S LIKE “NEIGH” and levi like. GETS in the water and they’re all splashing around and having fun like. they’re having real ass fun man like. the fun that you like. just don’t even have like. THEY’RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN THAT LEVI. IS LIKE. SUPER CLOSE TO SMILING OK. THAT’S LIKE. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. and jean loosens up again and he puts armin on his shoulders and hanji sits on levi’s shoulders and they do a chicken fight thing u know the thing they do in the pools in those movies and whatever and then they get out and are laying in the sun and they brought towels and then levi and hanji are like “we gonna go get some hot dogs yo u want some” and the boys are like “hell yeah” so levi and hanji go and then it’s just armin and jean. and. armin is like. “do u ever imagine being a plant and just. using photosynthesis” and jean is like "i think i really like you" and they both. freeze and like. armin’s like omfg and jean’s actually turning red and it ain’t from sunburn honey. and he’s like "i. idk why i uh. wow" and armin’s like. "do u mean like. what. what kind of like" and jean’s like "WHY DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN? ISN’T IT OBVIOUS" and then hanji’s like "WHAT’S OBVIOUS?" AND JEAN SCREAMS and then hanji gives them their hot dogs and armin still hasn’t said anything back armin’s just kind of. sitting there staring at the ocean and it’s real dramatic ok and like.   AND SO THEN LIKE LEVI’s LKE. i’m gonna get a thing from the car and jean’s like I’LL HELP and levi’s like. yeah ok whatever loser and so hanji’s like "so did u and jean kiss yet" and she’s totally joking but armin blushes and she’s like "OMFG U TOTALLY DID" AND ARMIN’S LIKE HANJI PLS and then she’s like "omf armin ur so cute" and armin’s like. HANJI no you don’t uNDERSATND. and she’s like. "yo then help me understand kiddo." and he’s like URHG and if he had a pillow he would stuff his face in the pillow and he’s like. "jean just told me he likes me" and hanji is like "oh? what kind of like?" and armin’s like IDK THAT’S WHAT I ASKED HIM AND HE SAID "ISN"T IT OBVIOUS" BUT I DON"T WANT TO GET MY HOPES UP YA KNOW? and hanji’s like but. you kissed right? isn’t that like. proof enough that it’s the kind of like you want it to be? and armin’s like “WELL I DON’T KNOW WHAT JEAN THOUGHT OF THE KISSING OK” and hanji’s like. omf armin just be happy things are how you want them to be for once jesus christmas. and armin’s like. “but…i’m gonna be i mean. we’re. COLLEGE HANJI. IS IT REALLY A GOOD IDEA TO. EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP WHEN. WE DON”T HAVE THAT LONG TOGETHER?” and hanji’s looks at him and laughs her fuckin ass off and she’s like "ARMIN WHAT? if anyone can handle that kind of thing it’s you! I mean heck, you know levi and i didn’t go to the same college! I WAS IN A DIFF COUNTRY KID, but we made it work!" and armin groans and he’s like "yeah well you and levi have known each other since you were kids or something so it was easier for you." and hanji sighs and she’s like "armin hon, sometimes you have to just, i dunno, have fun? take things for what they are and enjoy them as they come and even if you lose them later you can still be happy you at least got to experience them right? i mean you just kissed the dude it’s not like you have to get married right? but if you want to go out with him and kiss him more and he likes you i don’t see why not?" and armin sighs and he’s like. IDK IDK IDK IDK and jean is talking to levi and levi’s like “what the fuck is wrong with your face it looks like you painted it red or something what’s up?” and jean is like “have you. ever liked someone?” and levi just. stares at him. and is like. "no i’ve never had a crush on someone that’s why i’m fuckin engaged. jesus you’re an idiot." and jean is like "NO i"M NOT. I WAS JUST. I MEANT. JUST. WHAT. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE A CRUSH?" and levi is like "are you sure you’re 18? i don’t think you’re actually 18." but jean is totally serious and then levi’s like "oh my god you’re actually serious? you’re asking me for relationship advice oh my god." and jean just. stands there buT STAYS STRONG and levi’s just like "ok ok, what do you want to know you can ask me 2 things." and jean’s like OH FUCK THAT’S A LOT OF PRESSURE DUDE. but he decides to ask "how did you first ask hanji out?" and levi kind of. looks away and is like. "i didn’t. she asked me out” and jean is like…”oh” and levi IS LIKE “BUT I WAS THE ONE THAT PROPOSED TO HER OK.” and jean is like. “oh ok.” and then levi kind of. flicks his hair a bit and he’s like. "she. we. hanji and i have known each other since. i dunno, we were like, dumb 10 year olds or something, it’s been a long time. then when we were like 16 i realized i had a STUPID crush on her when my friend asked me about it and it was fucking ridiculous and. apparently she liked me too. so it worked out. cause she. showed up at my house at like. 2 am one night and threw a rock at my window and fucking BROKE the goddamn thing and. jesus christ she’s fuckin nuts. she broke my window and then said something awful like ‘DON’T BREAK MY HEART LIKE I BROKE YOUR WINDOW LEVI I MEAN IT’ like i was supposed to know what that meant. but whatever that’s how she asked me out and then by the second date when she kissed me it clicked and i realized we were dating." AND THEN JEAN LAUGHS BECAUSE OMF. HE CAN’T REALLY IMAGINE SUCH A LIKE. IDK. NORMAL TEENAGE LEVI BEING CUTE AND DUMB BUT WHATEVER and levi’s like. "kid honestly from what i’ve seen of you, you don’t think a lot before you do shit. so i don’t know why you’re thinking so much about this." and jean’s like "well. cause…ugh" and levi’s like. "just…follow your heart or some dumb shit." and levi gets the thing he needed from the car like. an umbrella or something and they walk back to hanji and armin and like. they sit down and armin and jean kind of joke around but it’s pretty awkward and then it’s getting late. so they go back and drive to some cabin near by and it’s awkward but there are separate beds this time. so both armin and jean are having internal battles with themselves to just get over their fears of what the fuck ever and kiss again because kissing was nice and why aren’t they kissing? SO LIKE. 2 MORE AWKWARD DAYS PASS and they’re like, already kind of taking the trip that will take them back home right? so like. everythings pretty calm and quiet and whatever and then like. then OH SHIT. FLAT TIRE. So THEY GET A FLAT TIRE OH NO. and so then levi’s like, what the fuck and hanji’s like what the fuck and then so basically hanji and levi leave to go walk to the nearest gas station (which is fairly close luckily) and they leave armin and jean in charge of the car. so the 2 boys don’t want to waste like. the car’s battery or whatever and it’s pretty nice out so they’re standing outside leaning against the car and like. finally armin’s like. "hey. jean so. i mean like. you. uh. so." and jean’s like. "yeah." and then it’s quiet again and finally armin just gets so frustrated with himself that he’s just like "JEAN JUST. GO OUT WITH ME." and. and then they’re both quiet again save for like, armin’s heavy breathing cause he basically just shouted that and jean’s like. gonna die because omf. and just. armin just. is like. "SO WILL YOU?" and jean’s like. "will. will i what??" and armin’s like "GO OUT WITH ME WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME JEAN." and JEAN LIKE. SNAPS OUT OF HIS DUMB LIKE. ZONE OUT aND HE’S LIKE "AYEN" and armin’s like "WHAT???" and jean’s like "I MEANT YES SORRY I. I MEANT. YES. UH. YES. YEAH. UH. LEt’S GO OUT YEAH SOUNDS GOOD YES." and then THEY’RE QUIET AGaIN AND facing each other and like. then armin’s just like. "ok. good. GOOD." and he leans against the car again and jean leans against the car and they’re both standing there and. just. and. then like. another tense moment passes and then THYE"RE KISSING. LIKE THEY JUST START. KISSING LIKE. IT’S LIKE THE HOT KISSES MAN LIKE. WOAH THERE BOYS SLOW DOWN THERE LIKE, THOSE KINDS OF KISSES U KNOW LIKE THE ONES FROM THE WEIRD HONEYMOON PLACE AND jUST. armin’s like. thank the lord and jean’s like omf this is so gay and i love it and they’re KISSING and it’s GREAT and then like. then jean starts kissing armin’s neck and armin’s like “fuck yes” BUT THEN. JEAN LOOKS UP AND. LEVI AND HANJI ARE. STNADING JUST. LIKE. STANDING THERE AND. ARMIN is like “JEAN WHY. DID YOU STOP I’M GONNA RIP UR CLOTHES OFF ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, WHY’D U STOP” and then levi coughs and armin squeals and is like.  he is suddenly like. 10 feet away from jean and he’s trying to act innocent and he’s like "H-HELLO" and levi just sighs and starts fixing the tire and hanji just kind of winks really weirdly at them and she walks up to levi and is like "u owe me 20 bucks mister" and levi just like. gives her the money and groans and jean and armin are confused and hanji’s like "levi was betting that you guys wouldn’t be kissing but i was like, OH YES THEY WILL BE" and armin and jean blush and feel so DUMB but are so happy and they get back in the car and the tires all fixed and they’re all ready to go and like. armin and jean are holding hands and it’s really cute AND SO THEN YOU KNOW LIKE. TIME PASSES AND THEy”RE ALMOST HOME and like jean and armin have kissed a few more times but they haven’t had anymore like ravenous makeouts and they’ve cuddled and shit and it’s CUTE as FUCK and anyways then. they’re home. and the road trip is over. and like. levi and hanji like. drop jean and armin at armin’s house and then drive away back to their place that’s like an hour away or something. and so then like. armin and jean just kind of go hang out at armin’s house and armin’s gpa isn’t home and so. hey. they like go and kiss but then jean’s mom comes and jean has to leave and he’s like. “thank u for inviting me” and armin’s like “anytime” and jean leaves and armin just. DOESn”T KNOW WHAT TO DO HE DOES A HAPPY DANCE AND JEAN IMMEDIATELY CALLS MARCO AND IS LIKE “MARCO MARCO MARCO MARCO MARCO MARCO” and marco’s like “OH jEEEEZ” and then idk. i’m just gonna end it there but then the sequel that i wanna type up too would be hanji and levi’s wedding ;) and also like. college and what the fuck would happen with that shit idk man this is lame and long already i spent too long on this i should be embarrassed but i’m like. not at all. OK. OK THANKS FOR. READING THAT LIKE. IF YOU READ THAT WHOLE THING WOAH. I’m LIKE WOW MAN. GOOD FOR YOU LIKE HOLY SHIT. I didn’t even read the whole thing and i wrote it like what. ok. omfok. I’m DONE NOW

[wetmini-blog]

Glasgow

The plan was to sleep on the plane, which departed at 11:45 Halifax time (delayed because they would have gotten to Glasgow too quickly, like how often does that happen) and landed in Glasgow at 8:00am. So it was supposed to be a perfect go to sleep at night, wake up in Glasgow in the morning, and VOILA no jet lag. Well. The extremely tall tailwinds made the flight only 4 hours 13 minutes. (!!! normally this would be amazing.) Syna had filled me with spaghetti, delicious beer, two cones, and a gummy. Plus I had one of my trusty sleeping pills, I was determined to end my amazing talent of never being able to sleep on a plane. You'd think I'd be knocked the fuck out. But no. No, I was not.

A very delirious and dizzy Karyn stepped off the plane in Glasgow. All I had to do was walk out front, turn left and get on a bus. What I did was walk right, circle around a car park, twice, walk up a random street not meant for pedestrians, almost got hit by a bus, and chased said bus to where the goddamn buses were, right out goddamn front of the goddamn airport. Lugging my shit and getting drenched, of course. Wet, hot, dank, fogged up glasses Karyn gets on the bus, pays her 7 pounds 50 pence fare, and ok sweet, good to go. All I had to get me to the hotel was a lousy screenshot, and I say lousy because the adjacent streets weren't labelled, only the ones I needed. So, I get off the bus at the wrong stop, of course, armed with my useless screenshot, and proceed in the wrong direction. I wander around George's Square for a while, my leather laptop case gift from Kasia is entirely soaked, but I'm cool. And man, all this walking is making me thirsty. I know Scots give absolutely useless directions from experience, so I don't bother asking for a while. OK, Finally, fuck my life, I need to ask someone. I do, she directs me.... I walk in a circle and and right back to her. I make her give me the directions again, and I set off.

I get to the hotel. But it's not my hotel. I text Stmoo and ask him if I'm getting punked. He says, there's more than one hotel of that name in Glasgow. GOOD TO KNOW. I'm not angry though, I'm not rushing. I'm just thirsty and dank. The hotel guy gives me a map and shows me where to go: actually at the very top left of the map and I'm at the bottom right. Sweet. I ask him for a drink. He says bar doesn't open till Noon. I say, aren't I in Scotland? Like WTF. I set out. Go to another bar. No, no booze. So I ask some poor hapless local where the F in bloody well Scotland can I get a drink at this hour. She directs me to the Iron Horse, and bless her, the directions make absolutely perfect sense and get me there, in spite of her accent. I got this. I walk in looking like the Dank Baglady from Hell, drop my loads of shit, pony up to the bar, and ask a girl for a shot and a ha'pint. (Belhaven's Best is most similar to John Smith's and thus will be my beer of choice for the forseeable future.) She says, she can serve me a drink, but only if I eat some food. I show her I have pepperoni in my bag. She's not impressed. No, I must spend 3 pounds for a bacon roll. Cool, I order that. It was exactly a bacon roll. Some fried back bacon shoved into a breadroll. No fuss, no muss. Now I'm feeling a bit pepped up and ready to make the trek. Glasgow is like a tiny San Francisco, lots of hills. I strap on all my bullshit and head out, feeling still delirious but much less thirsty. Hours later and ten more sets of directions, I arrived at the hotel, stripped, laid on the bed, and fell asleep for 3 hours. When I woke up I was super confused as to why the fuck I woke up. Stmoo's train would arrive in an hour and I had to be a little less greasy and dank when that happened, as we'd be going out in public. Man, I did not want to wake up. That was super tough. I washed my face, put on my eyebrows, went to Rizza's shop (she wasn't there) and then back to the hotel to wait. As Stmoo walked up I stuck my head out the window and gave him a warm friendly "ELLO!" I gave him a minute to wash up and we set off to our first bar. I had chosen Sedongo or whatever it was called because Google told me it was cheap food and beer. The Scotch was a 12 year old Glenfiddy and it was only 3 pounds for a very healthy pour. I also ate some thai noodles and tempura tofu. You know, because when in Glasgow, eat fucking thai food? Yes. We swallowed our last mouthful and set off again.

Stmoo makes me fucking laugh. He says the weirdest shit. For example, the further we got from the hotel, the more I worried about his health and wouldn't he need his jacket? And to make fun of me and my coat and umbrella, he says "You're talkin' shite, you're under a brolley." And naturally I'm spending the day both getting used to his accent and imitating it. By 7:30 we had a bet going that I couldn't go an hour without mockingbirding him.

After the second - third? - bar, we somehow agreed that we had to find the shittiest, nastiest pub in all of Glasgow. We were meandering down towards the "wee fun place" (mini fair - he insists he did not in fact call it that) when some kid tried to abscond us to sell us something. Instead, we asked him where the absolute crappiest bar could be found. He gave a phenomenal set of directions - down until the subway tunnel and go right, then where there's another tunnel, go through it, turn right again, continue ahead, until we find a statue of a man in a gas mask. The bar's across the street. We followed these directions, but got thirsty, so slammed another pint in some shitty hipster basement bar, but to be fair it did look like they made delicious pizzas. We asked the bartender where the crappiest bar in all the land was, and he gave us the same name. When we got to the place we were very sad to see that it was not in fact shitty. Bottles of wine for 6 pounds. Bottles of beer for 98 pence. Come on, this is the best bar of all time, you fucktards. We set off again. We're learning that hipsters think shitty actually means awesome, so we need to stop asking fucking hipsters. I decide I need some food so we go into this totally packed hipster bar, I know, I know, I keep doing it to myself. But, they had poutine bolognese, and it was fucking delicious. They also had a gin I hadn't tried and that was good too. I had to make them correct their menu spelling of "reposado" because it offended me. So we ask the ginger kid where the absolute shittiest bar is, but this time, we get real specific. I say it has to smell like piss, and Stmoo says we have to be at actual risk of being shanked for cheering for the wrong football team. Kid's eyes go very wide and we can tell he doesn't want to tell us where to go, but he knows. HE KNOWS. So he gives us three places, totally glazing over the first one, which means, that's gonna be our winner. And we head off again. We walk into what is supposed to be a totally scary place, but it's totally not. The football game is in fact on, people are in fact angry (green team is down 2-0, apparently evil red team is winning) and no one tries to get out of the way at the bar for us to order a drink. Cool, snobby local crowd, but no one is super gangster or pissing on things. We can tell though, in about 2 hours, the place will be really unfriendly. Stmoo asks a dude at the bar if he can move over so we can order a drink, and gets a tongue lashing for wearing a red shirt. At the same time though, the guy kind of sidles over, so we get our drinks.We sat down at a table we invented, improvised stool of sorts, and were apparently surrounded by friendly people. People give you a dirty look, you're pretty sure they want to shank you, but then you say "I like your shirt!" and suddenly you're their best friend. We had a lady take a picture of us and everything. A server was picking up empties, and we asked her, ok SERIOUSLY, FOR REALLY REALS, where is the LITERALLY SHITTIEST bar in Glasgow? She said, that's easy, that's right next door! So off we went. And YES! In the doorway was a disabled gentleman with a cane, staggering inside. Good sign! We walk in, and our nostrils are filled with the glorious stank of piss and disinfectant. We've done it! These cunts are watching the football game, too. And red is still evil. Stmoo makes me promise not to tell anyone in here that he's from Sutherland. Sunderland? I don't know, I can't understand him. Again, Stmoo has to ask someone at the bar to scootch out of the way so he can order something. But he says "can I order something," and the guy says "you can order anything you want," without moving. So it took a really long time but we did end up with a whole round for 4 pounds. We make ourselves an even sketchier table out of a display shelf thing and two pilfered chairs. The place is a goddamn tomb, it is glorious. Like it was once a tomb that people pissed in and then set up a bar. It is horrid. It is exactly what we've been searching for.

Cue random drunk Scot that you can't understand! This pleasant fellow came up and chatted to us. Chatted to Stmoo, I had no idea what the fuck they were saying. Buddy was pretty sure Stmoo and I were getting married this week, so that's funny. I was doing one of those smile-and-nod smiles, and Token Drunk Scot says "aagghgh lookit the smile onthelassie." I go to the bathroom. And the bathroom is the WORST! The absolute worst lilac colour adorns the stalls, like the owner said, I run the absolute shittiest bar in all of Glasgow and I want the absolute shittiest lilac colour for the absolute worst toilets, can you sell me that please?

Back at our "table" which is completely in the way, this little arched passage that separated the two tombs, this kid staggers into Stmoo's drink and smashes it. He then leaves the building. I said I'm pretty sure that kid owes you a beer. So Stmoo chases him out. We get out of the bar and this kid's already halfway down the street, talking to two other kids. Stmoo goes over to tell the kid, pretty sure you owe me a pint mate, and the kid looks terrified and runs away, after doing a bunch of panicked "please don't hurt me" gestures.The kids that he was talking to tell us, he's really sorry, do you guys want to come to a gay bar? Stmoo and I look at each other, our shittiest bar mission was accomplished, so yes, let's gay karaoke. Fucking LET'S. The nice kids introduce themselves, with their gaelic names, Caitlin and Caeden. I say "My name's Karyn! We're the KKK!" They shush me, looking around to ensure no one heard, and then correct me that their names are spelled with Cs. I really like these kids, so much that I got Caeden's digits. They take us to a bar that's pretty gay and fancy and swirly, nice decor, red walls, round booths, and yet still a fucking hipster bartender. A gay hipster though, so that's slightly less awful. 

Stmoo's fading now, I know he wants to go to sleep, but I really wanted to karaoke. I decided to be the nice guy and get him back to the hotel, telling the Cs that I will come back to Glasgow and I will call them and we WILL do karaoke. So suddenly I'm the fucking Master of Glasgow. Completely making up for my total directional failures earlier in the day, like Chris learning Spanish by drinking too much and losing a shoe, drinking in Glasgow has given me this perfect awareness of where we are and where we need to go. Stmoo keeps bitching about a taxi and I keep assuring him we're almost there. And from a totally different neighborhood, I navigated us safely home. But first, he had to get a bottle of wine from offsales. He tried to get me a bottle of whiskey, bless him, but couldn't. You can't get offsales after 10pm in Glasgow. I KNOW! It's supposed to be fucking Scotland! Traitors.

On the way back to the hotel, he stops in a supermarket for a corkscrew. I watch the entire hilarious shamble through the window, him wandering the aisles while the security guard watches him like a hawk.

The hotel was funny because Stmoo wanted to drink wine when he clearly didn't need any, and I was pretty pumped about sleeping. I did fall asleep, then I was having a dream about someone saying to me "how can you sleep through all this noise?" and woke up with his face snoring right into my face. It was 3am. After an hour I went to the reception and asked for another room, but they were booked. Fuck. So I had earplugs and headphones and bianural beats playing and I could still hear the fucker snoring. He also stole my blanket. I am pretty sure I never fell back asleep.

At 6ish for some reason, he gets up and tries to pour wine in my cup. I tell him to go fuck himself. He says "wha, you don't like someone babbling to you at half six?" 

So I mean I hate him, it's not fair he gets to sleep, in his attractive outfit of only tighty whities, and I'm the one with the jetlag. But man, this sentence makes me fucking laugh. And then he's complaining that he can hear people checking out of the hotel now, "how can anyone sleep with all that racket?" How, indeed.

We got our lives together and headed off to the King Street station. Bought a ticket to Edinburg for 12 pounds. Got on the train car closest to the snack trolley. Once it came to me I asked for a coffee and an egg sandwich. Stmoo asked for a cider, and I said "you have booze? I don't want a fucking coffee!" Everyone on the car looked at me. I guess it was pretty loud. Then I looked at my egg sandwich and said "14 dollars! I don't want this sandwich." The kind Scot operating the snack trolley informed me, that's the time, it's only 2 pounds 70. Well of course that's the time to serve it by, this is after all, the motherland, where there are almost no preservatives in everything. Stmoo was quite amused by all this.

I added a tiny bottle of Jack to my order and poured it into my coffee, and said to it, "Get in me."