#but id truly love to like i wanna go to the club and lose it on the dancefloor to all the remixes soooo bad | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

youresog0lden · 4 years ago

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Professor II Matthew Grey Gubler

Summary: you and your friend our out clubbing when you run into a very hot professor.

Warnings: Fingering, Unprotected Sex, Professor Kink, Cursing, The use of alcohol and drugs (Just weed.)

GIF NOT MINE

masterlist

WC: 2.5K

"At least I'm not high- Right now." I finished. She looked at me with pleading eyes.

"Speaking of being high, when is Adam going to be here?" I questioned. Adam our... or more specifically my dealer. I only asked him to bring me a little bit today. I didn't need to be half out of it at a bar. She let's out a long sigh. She knew she couldn't be mad she loved getting high as much as me. She just knew that it could get us in trouble from time to time.

"He should be here soon." she says before walking into her room.

"I love you." I called out knowing I already annoyed her for the night.

"The first round is on you tonight." she sighed.

"Yessss" I jumped up and down squealing like a little girl. She came out of her room quickly grabbing her phone.

I pressed the order button on my phone, ordering a uber.

"It will be here in about half an hour."

"Your eyes are really red." she laughs. For the next hour we we're down in our living room smoking a joint. I snort, causing her to laugh even harder. We we're now laughing at some kid we went to high school with.

"This could be bad publicity for the movie." she spoke softly. I laugh. Ah the movie. The one where I am supposed to be playing the innocent girl who falls in love with her professor. Who might I add is quite attractive. Matthew Grey Gubler. The classic professor. Everyone said that he would make a great one seeing as he played Spencer Reid on Criminal Mind.

"It doesn't matter. I'm just living my life. They shouldn't fire me because I drink and smoke. I told them before I started that I smoke and drink they said as long as I didn't show up high or anything they could give less or a flying fuck." I hiccup. She nods.

"Uber's here." I say taking one last look in the mirror. I was wearing a black skin tight dress with thin straps and red heels. Jessie was wearing a red skin tight black dress with this straps and black heels. We both grab out bags of the hooks and keys. I lock the door as she goes to the Uber. We both get in being taken off to our favorite bar. Finally arriving we thank our driver and make our way into the bar showing our ID. It was truly one of my favorites from the dancing floor to the table to the staff. It never smelled like sweaty bodys. They made sure to keep this place intact knowing some of the most famous people ever come her.

"Let's get drinks then dance." she says over the music. I nod.

"Go find a table and I'll get drinks." She walks away leaving me to go to the bar. I take a seat right beside a buffer looking man. Waiting for the bartender. She finally makes it over to me.

"Hi what can I get you pretty lady." she smiled at me.

"Can I get a bloody Mary and a black Russian." I smile. The guy was now staring at me watching me talk. She nods before walking away.

"Hello pretty." he said picking at the peanuts on the counter.

"Hi." I mumbled.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing here all alone." he touches my shoulder moving up to my face cupping it.

"I'm not here alone." I spoke. He lets out an uncomfortable laugh. I take his hand off my face seeing him pout. The bartender comes over this the drinks.

"Thank you." I smile she nods walking way again. I grab the clear glasses walking away before feeling a grip on my arm.

"Come on stay with me. It will be fun." he says.

"No thanks." I laugh walking away. He rolls his eyes before muttering a quick 'bitch'. I set the drinks down and get into the booth with her. We take a sip of our drinks.

"I failed my English Lit class." she sighed. I let out a laugh.

"How. You are literally going to be a English Lit major." I let out a low chuckled. She hits my arm sighing again. She takes a sip of her drink before choking on it. I let out a obnoxious laugh.

"Don't look now, but professor hottie is coming our way." she looks behind me.

"Professor hottie?- Oh." I quickly turn around in the booth peeping my head out. Eyes locking with him as he sends me a heart-warming smile. I smile back.

"I told you not to turn around." she laughs. He was now standing at our table.

"Hi y/n!" he exclaims. I slide out of the booth standing up he wraps his arms around me I do the same around his neck. His arms go lose so I unwrap them around his neck.

"Matthew, this is Jessie. Jessie, this is Matthew." I slide back into the booth. She smiles saying 'hi' before going on her phone probably texting one of her boy-toys to come out like she always does.

"Do you wanna sit." I asked patting the seat next to me. He nods taking it I look down at my drink then at Jessie's.

"Do you wanna go get refills?" I ask her.

"Yeah. Bloody Mary?" she asks I nod watching her walk away before seeing her turn around quickly.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry do you want something." she looked at Matthew.

"Um whiskey is fine." he said softly. She nods this time sending me a wink before walking away.

"So Matthew what are you doing here?" I asked him putting my elbow on the table and laying into it.

"Well my friends invited me to come with them the we ended up getting separated and now I'm here." he smiled. I nod looking at him taking in his features. He was wearing a light purple button up with a few buttons undone. His hair was tousled in the front and the sides cut shorter. He looked hot. I refocus on him right as Jessie was coming back drinks. She hands him his and mine to me. I slowly nurse on it watching as Matthew and Jessie engage in a conversation. He could make talking look attractive. I just listened to there conversation. Finally the alcohol was getting to me because once they stopped talking I looked over at Matthew.

"Do you wanna dance?" I asked him. He whipped his head around and looked at me before smirking. Damn.

"Sure." he steps out of the booth holding his hand out for me. I smiled taking it before turning around and looking at Jessie sending her a wink. When we come in we get to leave our bags at the front and pay for our drinks when leaving so I didn't have to worry about my bag. I guide him to the dance floor. Before hearing 'the hills' come on. I take his hands onto my hips swaying them to the beat. I found myself wrapping my arms around his neck his wrapping around my waist moving with me. He puts his head into my neck leaving soft kisses on the skin the stubble tickling my neck and roaming his hands all over my front. He kisses up to my ear before nibbling on it lightly. I grind harder against him earning a groan in my ear. His hold on my waist got tighter pressing himself against me letting me take in the fact that he was hard. I turn around now facing him seeing his eyes completely being taken over with lust. My arms we're still around his neck his we're still around my waist. I take this opportunity to pull him closer to me. He breaks the space between us by smashing his lips onto mine. I run my hand up to his hair, him running his down to my ass giving it a squeeze. We we're like this for almost ten minutes before I pulled away.

"Do you want to go to my house." he asked. I nod eagerly we walk hand in hand to the front desk. I give her my number getting my bag and paying for the drinks. We rush out and get in his car. We shut the doors before attaching our lips together again him pulling me into his lap. I start grinding on him again earning a soft moan to escape his pretty lips. He starts to pull up my dress his hands running over my thighs. His fingers graze over your clit while his lips never leave my neck. I let out a soft moan as he smirks.

"Are we going to fuck in your car or are we going to go to your house." I said breathy. His mouth moves from my neck to my ear again.

"I'd fuck you anywhere I could get you." he growls into my ear his voice low sending a shiver down my spine. I gasp just thinking of it but, before I could make my next move he was moving me off his lap and into the seat beside him. He starts the car before pulling out of the parking lot putting his hand on my thigh his thumb drawing circles on the inner portion. After driving and teasing me with his thumb for what felt like hours we finally arrive into the parking spot of his house. Very few cars here, leaving it feel dreary. He shuts off the car looking at me with the same eyes he did the very first time we met on set.

He was standing there with this goofy grin on his face as I walked up to him introducing myself.

"Hi. I'm Y/n Y/L/N" I smiled holding out my hand. He gladly shook it before telling me his name.

"Hi I'm Matthew Grey Gubler." he smiles. His smile alone could say a thousand words. He was wearing a blue button up shirt with a goofy pattern, a pair of light blue jeans with one leg rolled up, and mitch-matched socks with a pair of nikes. I scanned him a few times.

"So you got the role as Ashton, the quite girl who falls in love with me?" he questioned, I nod letting out a laugh.

"Yeah!" I exclaimed. I spent that whole time getting to know him and meeting the cast it was genuinely a dream come true. I look at Matthew for a second before leaning into him pressing my lips against his. For almost a split second it was almost sweet quickly turning heated. He pulls off my mouth taking my bottom lip with him. He get's out of the car, leaving me sitting in there for a second. I almost forgot he was out there until I heard the car door open.

"Are you coming?" he laughs. I quickly snap my head in the direction blushing getting out of the car. I follow him into the direction of his house. He unlocks the door walking in and opening his arms telling me to walk in, so I quickly follow his arms into his house. I don't even have time to look around my back already being pressed against the door. His lips pressing against mine hard tongue's clashing, teeth to. His lips part from mine, hands roaming up and down my thighs, his lips start at my lip, one kiss on my lips. Next, on my cheek. Then, on my jaw. After, all around my neck. Sucking, nipping, biting. Small moans leaving my mouth, feeling Matthews smirk against my skin. His hands rush to pull my dress up enough of his to get sight of my underwear. I hear a light groan emerge from his throat.

"I've thought about this so many times while on set." he groans his hands pulling the dress over my head. He grips my thighs picking me up, the sudden movement causes a slight giggle to come in the air.

"Oh really?" I questioned. He nods laying me down on his couch grinding himself again me. My fingers working there way down his shirt unbuttoning them one by one finally, the tan man in front of me sitting there shirtless. I push him back slightly enough for me to sit on his lap. His hands go to my ass giving it a squeeze. I let out a short moan, he groans in satisfaction. I grind my clothed area against him.

"Fuck." he pants. He doesn't take but a second to lift me up slightly taking off his pants and boxers. He stops for a second, putting his hands into my underwear. Touching where I needed him the most. God this man shouldn't be real.

"Fuck Matthew." he almost immediately stopped.

"It's Professor." he smirked. That shouldn't have been as hot as it was.

"Yes professor." I moaned causing him to plunge two fingers into me.

"Oh my fucking god." I cry out.

"I didn't know such a pretty girl could say such dirty things." he laughs his fingers going harder curving slightly. I just let out a moan feeling my self going to the edge.

"I'm-I" I couldn't form a full sentence. He seemed to know what I meant because not to long after his finger found my clit moving his thumb in circles.

"I'm going to cum." I cried.

"Come for me princess." he sang. I came and I came hard riding out my high, his fingers still working relentlessly into me. He finally pulled his fingers out of me and into his mouth groaning at the taste of myself. He pulled his finger out of his mouth smirking at me again. I grab his neck pulling it closer to me, just enough for out lips to touch.

"Please fuck me professor." he nods pulling my underwear down laying me back down onto the couch. He puts the tip right at my entrance teasing me.

"God please just fuck me already." I pleaded.

"That's not how you ask baby." he was being cocky. He wanted me to beg.

"Please, please, fuck me-" I stop for a second thinking.

"Professor." I continue. He doesn't ask again slamming into me. Not letting me adjust to his size before taking himself out and slamming into me again.

"Fuck." I cry out. His hips move faster and faster. Every time he goes harder we both let out a whimper.

"God you take my dick so well don't you baby." he asked hitting my g-spot every time.

"Yes professor." I call out.

"That sound's so perfect rolling off your tongue."

"I'm so close." I said.

"Me too." he says working his fingers around my clit again driving me over the edge.

"Come for me." he groans just as he said I did. After a few sloppy thrusts he shoots filling me up. Falling on top of me. We sit there in silence. He sits up wondering off. I pick up his shirt putting it on and sliding on my underwear. He comes back with a towel in his hand and he's wearing sweatpants. He looks at me in his shirt and let's out with goofy grin.

"I wanna see you like this forever."

#matthew gray gubler #matthew grey gubler smut #mgg #mgg fic #mgg smut #mgg fanfiction #mgg x reader #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid

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chandelier-s-notebook · 4 years ago

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@the-only-gamer-gost‘s WritingTober Day 10: Practice Tangentially

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One day the twins would need to learn how to trade in Port.

Their parents took one look at their pink haired son hanging up his sword and scabbard on the edge of the cart, and sent the brunet to grab his uke for the journey. Sending the blond to help his father out in the fields.

- - -

On the morning’s ride to Port the two brother talk. They don’t get to do that often. Just talk. The older ever the hard worker at all hours of the day. The younger spending every moment with his twin.

The brunet liked talking with his older brother because he could just talk. He could just talk on and on and on. Rambling about anything and everything that comes to mind. He likes it. He likes not getting interrupted every second for his twin to add his two cents. He doesn’t mind when his twin does that. Truly. But it’s nice to just talk for a bit.

And his brother is so nice about it. It really seems like he listens. And even when he spaces out, he can still pick up his side of the conversation whenever he leaves some empty silence.

His brother only talks when he takes a breath. When he pauses. When he leaves room for him to add something. And he doesn’t look like he wants to add much. He seems content with just listening to his baby bro talk.

It’s really weird. His brothers are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to him talking.

Of course during the trip, the pinket takes time to explain the basics of Port. How they have five sellers that they trade with. How they have to do some manual labour to get the stock onto the boats.

The boy listens. He absorbs. He’s excited to learn. He’s excited to be around his brother whom he loves dearly.

- - -

When the brother’s disembark from the cart, he leaves his uke with the sword, and jumps down to the docks. He stands a foot behind his brother as he talks to the man in front of them.

He’s not listening, he’s become enraptured by the boats. His brother had to tap his arm to get him to move and start loading stock onto side boat.

They go from seller to seller all afternoon. Loading the boats, unloading the cart. His body starts to hurt from all the moving. He gets now why his brother is so strong. And he moves everything around the farm as well. Maybe he’d offer to help in the future.

- - -

The boy had brought extra food for them, but they had eaten it at lunch, and he was hungry again. He told his brother as much.

They maneuvered the horses to the stables where they would stay the night. Wheeling the cart into a corner. “Grab your uke,” the pinket told him. Putting on his red coat with a flourish, attaching his scabbard above it.

- - -

They walked through Por, stopping at a sandwich place to grab a bite. Then wandering through the market. That’s when he heard the music. The hum of a guitar.

On whipped his head to his brother, question in his eyes. Once he got the nod he was off. Running passed the colourful stalls. Mesmerized by the music, he stopped a couple feet away.

The guy started singing. He had a really nice voice. And the fresh bread smell filling the air was calming.

Oh, I love this little street corner.

He didn’t notice his brother until he heard the sound of coins dropping onto each other.

- - -

When the guy was finished his song he looked at them. “Hello friend smile.”

“You know him?”

“Yeah.” His brother addressed the guy, “You don’t mind looked after him for a little bit?”

“Not at all. I love an audience.”

“But do you mind looking after him?” he repeated.

The guy looked confused for a few seconds. Glanced between him and his brother, before nodding his head. “Nah, I won’t mind looking after him for a bit.” Questions obvious, but not asked.

“Cool.” His brother ruffled a hand though his hair. “I’m going to the store over there,” he said before walking in the direction of the bread smell.

- - -

The musician takes in the timid boy left in his charge. “You know any songs?” Gesturing to the uke held at his side.

“Yeah.”

“Wanna play me something?” he probs.

“Sure!” He starts to play a couple chord. Building confidence until he’s full out jamming and singing along with the dumb lyrics Tommy came up with on the fly that one time.

- - -

The pinket walks right up to the counter of the Sweet Shoppe & Bakery. He orders a baguette, startling the dancer working quietly away at her homework.

“Hello to you too.” She went about grabbing the order item for him. “Full or half?”

“Full. I gotta share with my little brother outside.”

“Your little brother? I didn’t know you had a little brother.”

“Have. He’s still alive.” He leans back to look out the window. Just to check. HE trusts the musician outside, but he doesn’t really know him does he? “Hey, so your mother said that she wouldn’t mind if I took up the share room right?”

“She did say that.” The dancer slides over the bread. “Why?”

“The place I normally stay won’t be too happy with him running around. You sure your mother won’t mind.”

“She won’t mind at all. She loves you.”

“She likes me,” he said with a smile, dropping the amount of coin necessary on the counter. “If she loved me she’d have nothing left to give to the kid.”

The dancer smiles, going into the back. “You fight tonight?”

“Dueling. And yes. I’d rather him here alone than at the hole the in wall I normally stay in.”

“Mom truly won’t mind,” she says handing over a key. “It opens the back. And I think you should give him the option to come with you.” She also looks out the window at the two string players. “He seems older than when you first went to the club.”

“Heh, Bandana tell you somethin’?”

“Maybe.”

He clipped the key to the leather cord hidden beneath his shirt sleeve. “I will, but he might not want to. Now the other one? I wouldn’t even ask him. I’d prepare myself to be holdin’ him back from jumping into the ring.”

She covered her mouth to hide her giggling, turning to help he next customer that had just walked in.

- - -

He was having fun with the street musician, when he brother put some bread in his peripherical vision. He snatched the food and chomped on it happily.

“I’m off to the club. Doing some dueling. I don’t know id you wanted to come wi-”

“Of course I do! You’ve been taking home a sword for years and I’ve never seen you use it.”

“You don’t practice?” the Port-born asked, taking the offered carbs.

“I’m a little busy.”

“But you’re so good! Imagine how god you’d be if you practiced.”

“Well, I used to only come once every few months. And now I come every week. That’s practice right?”

“So that’s how you got so much better to quickly. You were actually sparring.”

“Yep.”

- - -

He walks between his brother and the musician. The musician doesn’t spar, but he likes to watch. And his brother seemed calmer when he offered. And to be honest, he felt safer with him.

People kept talking to his brother. He had different ways of interacting with each of them. Some got a few words. Some got a nod. Some got nothing at all. Some got the promise of a duel later on in the night, but that was like one guy.

He gets a couple of looks. But if the musician’s disbelief at his brother not practicing (ever. period) then he should have expected it.

- - -

He sat with the musician in the front row of the bleachers.

He was glad for the musician. He would have felt so lost and alone in his crowd if he didn’t have someone. And now that he thinks about it, he probably wouldn’t see his brother fight either. He’d be stuck to his side making sure nothing happened to him. If the way he kept glancing back at the two of them said anything.

He kept getting dragged into conversations, duels, interactions. Clearly not wanting to be there, but too polite to rip himself away from the conversation.

- - -

He couldn’t decide whether to sit back in awe, or lean forward and pay attention to his brother’s every move. His brother was good, really good. He won every battle he took part in. And unlike everything else, everyone he fought against was still in good spirts when they lost.

Well there was one guy. But after a rematch that was over in three moves, he admitted defeat.

The only other person that people seemed to not mind losing to had a bright green tunic.

It’s like everyone expected to lose to these two. Like they just wanted to say that they fought them.

- - -

“Tired yet?” his brother asks, coming up before him.

“Now that I think about.”

“Well. I’m gonna regret this. You wanna go for a round?”

He lit up. “Yes! But who would I fight against?”

“Me of course. Don’t rust anyone else here?”

“Hey, what about me?”

“You are not sparing my little brother Sandy.” His brother turned to the new voice.

“Brother he looks nothing like you?”

“It’s the hair isn’t it?” he asks jokingly. “He’s the pink sheep of the family.”

“Do you want to be able to one up your twin, kid?”

#MCYT WritingTober #Technoblade #Tubbo #Wilbur Soot #Dreamwastaken #Nihachu #Tommyinnit #Dangerous Pink

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mithranqueersmusings · 4 years ago

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Before This Dance Is Through XI

Chapter: 11/16

Rating: E (Smut Warning)

Summary: Ringo's being going through a dry spell for the last year or so and when he regretfully tells his best friend John, he insists on taking them to an all-male strip club for some "fun". Ringo isn't sure whether it's the alcohol, his desperation or a mixture of the two but he thinks he might be falling in love with a stripper.

Tags: AU - Strippers, Modern Setting, Smut, Slow Burn

Pairings: George Harrison/Ringo Starr, John Lennon/Paul McCartney

AO3 link here / Fic masterlist here

Ringo spent a lot of time late at night scrolling through George's Onlyfans profile over the next few days; he was eager to go back to the club but he didn't want George to know that he was eager, so he made do with the plethora of erotica George had supplied. Each time Ringo loaded up the page his eyes would always focus on the 'Message' button, he'd stare at it for a while and debate whether or not he should do it. How likely it was that George would reply was completely unknown to him, but it was definite that if he didn't even send a message then he'd never get a reply. Ringo's account was entirely plain, with no reference to his actual self in any way, so it wasn't as though George would know it was him. But Ringo was still hesitant, he didn't like that this was the only method of contact available to him nor that he'd be hiding behind an anonymous profile. Yet every time he'd load up the page his thumb would hover over it for a few seconds, his curiosity was beginning to overpower the desire to even speak to George. What would he even say?

John was still busy working on his poetry, how busy he actually was Ringo would never truly know, so there was no chance of dragging him along to The Helter Skelter. Going alone would look too strange, Ringo had decided, he was so afraid that George would catch on to exactly how much Ringo liked him. Messaging him was the only viable option left, because even wanking himself off every night to George's photos was beginning to lose its novelty.

It was late at night and Ringo lay in bed in his boxers, it was far too hot to sleep in anything more at the moment. The light had been switched off and so began the nightly routine, loading up George's photos and asking himself the same question: did he dare message him? Ringo wasn't sure what convinced him that night, whether he was just sleepy enough that his inhibitions had begun to waver or he was really getting that desperate, but something fuelled him on.

hey

Ringo stared at his own words long enough that his vision began to blur. Was that enough? He had no idea what his aims were with this, he just wanted something. Even if George went on a rant about how he hated weird creeps messaging him late at night, at least it'd be something. A few minutes passed and Ringo just lay there clasping his phone in both hands. Was George even going to reply? He could've been working, or busy doing something or someone else, for all Ringo knew. But he felt like if he stared at the screen it'd somehow make it more likely that George would reply. His eyes began to droop when his phone suddenly vibrated, he worried that it was another of John's late night texts, but it wasn't.

hi there

Now what? Ringo wasn't exactly sure what the etiquette of this situation was. He'd had his fair share of dirty conversations over text, but is that what this was? Surely it wasn't just somewhere to talk about the weather.

how are you?

Ringo almost cringed when he sent the message, if George didn't respond after this he wouldn't have blamed him. It was like paying for a prostitute only to sit them down and ask them if they'd seen any good films lately. At least Ringo knew George wasn't working, he wouldn't have guessed that he'd waste his breaks messaging potential weirdos, but then he again he didn't have a clue.

just peachy and yourself?

better now

A little cliche, not to mention desperate, but overthinking about his responses would've been a sure way to kill the conversation completely.

arent you sweet? what you up to?

just lying in bed

alone?

as always what about you?

sitting in the bath want to see?

yes

Ringo had written 'please' at first, but realised how pathetic that might look. The speed of the replies had been rapidly increasing up until this point, and in this lull Ringo couldn't help getting a little excited knowing that George was taking a photo of himself at this very moment; even if he wasn't in the bath at all and this pause was a result of him scrolling through his photos to try and find one that matched the fictitious scenario, Ringo didn't care, he was going to allow himself to be optimistic. It wasn't too long before a photo appeared in the chat, blurry at first before Ringo selected to enlarge it, which he did without hesitation.

This wasn't the first time Ringo had seen a photo like this, he remembered very well the photos George had posted a while back of him in the bath, but this didn't look like merely a rejected photo from that session, which allowed him to believe it was contemporary, just for him. George's face was barely in the picture, which was a little disappointing to Ringo but he could hardly complain when his own profile picture was the default one. The bath water was a soft pink colour, no doubt from one of those luxurious bath bombs that Ringo loved the smell of but never bought for himself. One of George's slim legs was lifted up out of the water, gleaming and wet, while his bare chest was fully exposed. Only the bottom of his sharp jawline could be seen, but there was no doubt that this was George, Ringo knew his face well enough by now. It was nothing too explicit, his genitalia completely hidden under the water, but that wasn't really what Ringo was interested in; just to see his beautiful body was more than enough.

Ringo wasn't quite sure what to say in response, if this had been one of his boyfriends it would've been a different story, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. He didn't want to jump into anything too extreme too quickly, scaring George off now would've wounded Ringo deeply.

wow beautiful

Simple yet effective, Ringo told himself. He wanted to avoid saying too much, which was almost always his problem.

your turn

Shit. Ringo threw the covers off himself immediately then lay there frozen. If only he'd had some old photos saved, but he had gotten sick of John rifling through his phone with zero warning then giving critiques on his nudes, which was uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. Ringo had never thought he'd been that good at taking them, especially when compared to the standard of George's photos, they were practically art compared to his own. The last thing he wanted was to look like those sleazy, crude photos that John would always receive on Grindr with no context. There was only a short window to do this, if he took too long George would no doubt lose interest, so he quickly rolled over and stretched over to turn the lamp on his bedside table on to provide at least a little bit of lighting. He couldn't show his face, that was a given, which means he'd have to take things to the next level. He was already half-hard, he had George's pictures to thank for that, and it didn't take more than a few pumps to get him the rest of the way there, especially with the thought that he was doing this for George.

It wasn't the most flattering picture he'd ever taken, one hand pulling down the waistband of his boxers and the other awkwardly angling the phone to take the photo, but it wasn't the worst either. As he sent it, he could feel his heart thumping in his chest and he wasn't sure whether it was from all the erratic movement or something a little deeper.

youre hot wanna suck your dick

Well that was certainly one way to escalate things. Ringo let out a quiet gasp when he read the message, here he was being so nervous about overstepping any boundaries when George entirely throws them out the window.

oh yeah?

yeah you wanna fuck me?

Ringo had no trouble maintaining an erection from this point onward. As much as he knew this wasn't anything more than meaningless dirty talk, that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy it. Whether George was doing this for money or just to get off, Ringo didn't really care; he slid his hand under the fabric of his boxers and began stroking himself.

god yes

how would you fuck me? i like it rough

i bet you do would love to spank that arse while i fuck you

mmm yes please bet your big cock would feel so good in my ass are you touching yourself?

yes

good

It wasn't the easiest thing to do: wanking and trying to type with one hand, but Ringo was somehow managing it.

youre so gorgeous

speak for yourself have you ever seen me dance?

yes

Ringo wasn't sure why he told the truth, his mind was considerably muddy by this point.

and what did you think?

so so hot its so hard not to touch you when you look that good

touch me then i want you to

wish i could wish i could have you all to myself

what would you do to me?

That was the real question. What would Ringo do? What he wanted to do was easy, but if George had walked into his bedroom at that very second the only thing he'd really be capable of doing was probably fainting.

anything and everything i want you so badly id do anything to have you right now

why me?

do you really have to ask? youre absolutely stunning you can turn me on just by looking at me

lucky me id like to do a little more than just look at you

like what

suck your cock its so big i dont know if i could take it all but id try

god id love to see that

then id ride you nice and slow let you watch your cock slide in and out of me

Ringo could already feel his orgasm building, he felt a little embarrassed that it had been so easy. He tried to slow his movements but it only made things worse, he couldn't help imaging the tightness of his hand being replaced by George. He wondered if George was touching himself too, if he was enjoying this at all; it was best not to think about it.

then id flip you over and really fuck you grabbing your arse while i pound you is that what you want?

fuck yes want you choke me make me pass out on your cock

This was bordering on unknown territory now; Ringo wasn't exactly vanilla in bed but he definitely wouldn't describe himself as adventurous, kinky even. But the thought of his hand wrapping around George's slender throat, his rings pressing against the skin, made his hand stutter.

youre dirty arent you?

only if you want me to be ill let you do anything you want

i bet you would

you can tie me up gag me if you want as long as i get your cock

Ringo had no idea what he should expect when he'd sent the first message, but it was certainly wasn't this. It should've been no surprise that George could make him come undone with just his words, and a very enticing photo. He wished they could've kept speaking for hours, but with every message that became more and more unlikely.

shit im getting close

so soon? i want to cum with you

i want to cum inside you

i prefer it on my face id look so pretty with your cum all over me

i bet you would

or i could swallow it wrap my mouth around your fat cock taste your hot cum i wouldnt waste a drop

He cursed himself for getting so close so quickly, especially when things were getting so heated now. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop the images conjuring in his mind: George's sharp face covered with his orgasm, that charismatic grin spreading over his face as he licked as much as he could manage. Some of it falling into his dark hair, over his long eyelashes. It would be an entire new level of beauty, and Ringo needed to see it. He'd begun moaning aloud while he jerked himself, his wrist had begun to ache from holding up the heavy phone for so long.

im so close

me too

Whether George was actually touching himself or not, Ringo didn't care. He'd let himself believe that George was lying in the bath, or on his bed in nothing but a loose towel, with his hand wrapped around himself while he thought of Ringo. Even if he didn't know it was him, if all he'd seen was below the neckline, he didn't care; it was all he needed.

fuck i wish you were here want to fuck you until i explode wanna watch my cum dripping out of you

god yes please fill me up with your cum i want it i need your cum

im almost there fuck

mmm good give me that cum please please cum for me

That was enough for Ringo; he could hear the words in his mind as if George was really saying them to him. It was the most intense orgasm he'd had for a while, and he'd been having a lot of them. He dropped the phone in his exhaustion, falling down onto the bed while he breathed raggedly. Sweat was forming on his forehead, making his hair stick in places. Several seconds passed before he finally picked the phone up again, the clarity was beginning to form which made him question what he'd just done but it was too late to go back now.

that was amazing

it sure was goodnight

Ringo tried not to be hurt by the bluntness of the end, but he supposed George too was having that moment of mental purity which made you want to discard whatever you'd been so obsessed with right up until the moment you finish. He stared at the words for a few moments, exhaustion beginning to take over paired with the realisation that he needed to get up and sort himself out. He would've let the phone drop back onto the bed and got himself suitable for sleep, he would've if that next message hadn't sent. It was only one word, and Ringo had been certain he'd read it wrong or that his eyes were playing some sort of strange trick on him. After realising what he was seeing was in fact real, he couldn't put the phone down but that was about the limit of what he could do; should he send another message? Surely not. Should he delete his account then flee the country? Maybe that a was a little dramatic. In the end he did nothing, just glared at the word as if it would somehow vanish or send him back in time so that he could've never message George in the first place.

A single word, that's all it took to send Ringo into this internal frenzy, his eyes bulging wide and his heart racing. Not just a mere word, a name; his name.

ringo

Shit. How did he know? Had Ringo been that obvious? The whole reason he'd been comfortable sending any of those messages was because he thought he was safe behind his blank and anonymous profile.

But maybe this wasn't such a bad thing after all. If George knew it was him, whether from the start or not, he'd still stayed messaging him throughout the entire thing. He'd called him hot, he'd told him to touch him. Had all that been genuine? This wasn't meant to over-complicate things, it was meant to be a one-off moment of weakness on Ringo's behalf that went no further than desperate dirty talk and a well needed orgasm. Shit.

Maybe it was all a joke. Maybe George knew that Ringo was trying to be sneaky, so decided to mess him about. It wouldn't have been a complete surprise considering how much he seemed to enjoy teasing him at the club. The real issue was that Ringo simply didn't understand George, every time he thought he'd got him pinned down his intentions would seem to flip entirely. Or maybe that was just Ringo's anxiety getting the better of him; after all he had been single for a very long time, perhaps he was beginning to see exactly why that was.

Ringo felt like he couldn't show his face at the club again, not after exposing himself - rather literally - to George like that; since George had been so agonisingly torturous before, he could only imagine how he'd act now he knew that Ringo truly wanted to sleep with him. Most likely Ringo wouldn't be able to survive it, not for a second.

All he could for now though, was sleep. He tried to focus his brain on anything but George, but the more he tried to avoid it the stronger the urges became. Fighting the idea that his brain was trying to form: that George truly liked him back, all this teasing and mystery was his way of showing it. It just couldn't be true, it was actually too good to be true. Ringo couldn't get a guy like George, it didn't take a genius to see that. It was a ridiculous notion, he was only telling himself what he wanted to believe. This whole thing was ridiculous, falling for a stripper, and this embarrassing episode was a clear sign that he had to stop making himself suffer like this. It was never going to happen.

He couldn't go back now, not after this, not ever. He was done.

#the beatles #beatles #beatles fanfic #the beatles fanfic #beatles fanfiction #george harrison/ringo starr #ringo starr/george harrison #ringo starrxgeorge harrison #george harrisonxringo starr #starrison

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evien-stark · 5 years ago

Text

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 72

Forty-eight hours came. And forty-eight hours went. The beginning of which you and Tony came to a mutually unmutual silent agreement that you were going to keep away from him. Something devastating was happening to you. Something you had no idea how to handle. Your powers were very clearly going haywire. And you just didn’t know how to fix it.

It made sense. In an annoying way. Because your powers were emotion based- except for that thing you and Tony had. That deeper connection. And except for that one time you got so desperate you found a way to make Clint nearly end his own life- but those were separate special occasions. And what you were dealing with now was an inability to control yourself. You were leaking out from every pore. Feelings. Feeling too much. Too many. All terrible. And so you were infecting other people, because you couldn’t control yourself. And you couldn’t run the risk of hurting Tony more than he already was. So you stayed out of the office, focusing more on what you could do from home- and trying not to focus too hard on this Mandarin stuff.

Then at the end of of those forty-eight hours, JARVIS alerted you that Colonel James Rhodes had landed in Washington, and was attending his promotion ceremony. He’d done such a good job as of late, that the powers that be had lifted him up. And at this little ceremony, which you and Tony were obviously, pointedly not invited to, the military also unveiled that with his promotion he would be commanding the new and improved Iron Patriot.

After Rhodey’s ceremony was over, he called you while he was in flight, and asked to meet somewhere lowkey. Somewhere very down low. He suggested iHOP. Tony suggested Apple-Bees. To which you told them both you’d never be caught dead in either of those establishments-

“That’s the point.” Rhodey had told you. And so your little group decided to split the difference and meet at a TGIFridays.

Rhodey was there ahead of you. And you and Tony had decided not to lay into him about not being invited to one of his biggest career accomplishments in a little while. You’d also agreed not to talk about Iron Patriot unless he brought it up. Or the Mandarin. Or the bombings.

But then, you were all a bunch of liars, weren’t you?

“Iron Patriot, huh?” You asked first, taking a loud pointed sip of your soda.

Rhodey just sighed, putting a hand to his face. “See- this is why-”

“Why what?” Tony sat back, arms crossing. “We weren’t important enough to be invited to your knighting?”

“I was doing you guys a favor!” Gesturing loudly at the two of you, truly believing himself as he spoke. “You have no idea how many times President Ellis asked about you. And I know you don’t wanna talk to him.” Almost accepting this truth, you and Tony shared a look between one another. And then Rhodey quietly sped through saying, “Also my bosses didn’t want you around to usurp the moment.”

“Ah!” “See!”

The both of you pointing fingers at him. You further ruined it, “Come on, Rhodey. Iron Patriot? Really? And that color job…”

“It wasn’t my decision! It tested well with focus groups. And you hated War Machine, remember?”

“She did.” Tony, nodding in agreement. Trying to play for both teams.

You made a face at both of them. “So what I hated it. You think palette swapping the armor and giving you a fancy new name is going to fix anything? Everyone’s talking about it, Rhode. And not in a good way.”

Rhodey sighed, very deeply so, head lolling back. “You think I don’t know that? You think I’m unaware I’m being made fun of on all the network stations?”

Tony, taking a loud slurp of his drink, reached over to pat Rhodey hard on the back. “Welcome to the club, pal. If you didn’t want that, we should’ve been first on the list to talk to. I mean- PR was her job, back in the day. Military liaison. You forget about that already?”

“How could I?”

You scoffed. “PR is still my job, thank you.” It practically made up half of everything you did. “And I’ll remind you that that suit is still intellectual property of Stark Industries, and by tweaking its image you’re in direct violation of-”

Rhodey threw his hands up. “Oh. Here we go.”

“You got her started, don’t look at me.”

But you all looked at each other. And now with the pleasantries and ribbing out of the way, light smiles and little laughs graced each of you. Reaching out you gave Rhodey a little squeeze at his shoulder. “Congrats on the promotion.” While you might not have agreed still with Iron Patriot, Rhodey was doing his best. And you were absolutely just relieved to have him here, considering…

Considering for a hot second there you thought he might have been taken from your lives completely. That was the risk he ran, sure. That was really the risk you all ran now with the lives you led. But the thought was terribly devastating. If that had happened, you probably would have fallen in line with Tony’s footsteps, and done whatever necessary to take that man out. You still weren’t sure you shouldn’t be involved, even if you didn’t really want to-

And Tony was feeling much the same way. Slurping down the rest of his drink before leaning in after the small chatter had completely finished to say, “So. Really. Tell me about this Mandarin guy. What’s really going on?”

It was inevitable that the conversation would end up here. And now that it was out there, there was no taking it back. Even if you asked him to. ...and you kind of wanted to know, too. Not that you wanted to deal with more of Ellis. You waited quietly until Rhodey decided to answer.

“It’s classified information.” But when the two of you gave him a long look he sighed. “Alright. Look… there’s been nine bombings total.”

Your lips pressed together, still trying to figure out if you should be walking this line. “That’s six more since the last time we heard about them.”

Rhodey set his hands together on the table. “Yeah, well the public only knows about three- here’s the thing. Nobody can ID a device. There’s no bomb casings. No trace.”

Saying this already set Tony up for trouble. Evidenced by his sliding in closer, immediately after hearing that. “You know we can help. All you gotta do is ask- I got a ton of new tech, I got a prehensile- I got a...I got a new bomb disposal. Catches explosions mid-air-” He was stuck. Talking quickly. Trying to say anything that would get this to click.

Because much like you, he was over focusing. Running himself ragged. And it was Rhodey that finally took a good look at him- then you- and then asked, “When’s the last time either of you have gotten a good night’s sleep?”

“Why are you picking on me?” Asked with a hand to your chest. What had you done? It was Tony who was going off the rails. What gave Rhodey an idea that-

“You look like hell. And don’t think I don’t know about the little highway incident.”

At this you really were shocked. “It’s an incident now? I just had an anxiety spike- a terrorist took over national television, I think I’m entitled- and who even told you about that?” Now overly defending yourself. Which only proved your guilt all the more.

Luckily, Tony came to both your rescue. “Einstein slept three hours a year, look what he accomplished.” Though this really was not the most sturdy defense. But since you had none yourself…

Rhodey sighed yet again. “I’m just… I’m concerned, alright? I’m concerned about you both. My base was the one that got bombed yet you two look like you walked out of a warzone- ...hell, are still in one right now. What’s really going on? Is this still about New-”

Tony spoke over him quickly. “You’re gonna come at me like that?” Hackles raised, clearly. Not wanting to even hear those two words paired together. ...had it really gotten that bad?

You felt a small shift. He was uncomfortable. His mind was racing. Panic was starting to find its way to a simmer inside him. Reaching out you laid a hand to his arm. He couldn’t go off right now. It would no doubt have too much pull on you- and if you exploded again- “Tony…” Calm. Gentle. As kind as you could make the shape of his name.

Falling in line, Rhodey looked at him. “Look. I’m not trying to be a dick-...tator...”

His sudden stop and pointed look at the side of the table drew both your gazes the same way. You had visitors. Children visitors. There was no telling how long they’d been standing there. You hoped not too long. This was precisely the reason you should have met at the house. A dark crappy restaurant had been a good idea, but the fact was-

Well. Tony had parked the suit outside, while you’d opted to arrive in a car with Happy. That was a discussion for another time. The same one you kept putting off and off and off… It was like he couldn’t get along without it. And, right now, like he’d wanted to be caught here.

The little boy and girl held up their little pieces of art, no doubt worked on diligently with restaurant crayons. Siblings, perhaps?

“Hi there.” You greeted them with about as much warmth as you could muster. Now was no time to lose it. Not in front of children.

The girl, just a couple years older, smiled bright at you. “Do you mind signing my drawing?”

You took hold of it carefully, taking a look. It was a picture of the Iron Lady, blasting down a row of angry squiggle monsters. “Of course not. What’s your name?”

“Erin!”

“Sure thing, Erin.”

The little boy waiting patiently thrust his own drawing up Tony’s way. “What about mine?”

“Sure. You know, I loved you in a Christmas Story, by the way.” You really wished he wouldn’t sass the children, but luckily nobody seemed to have heard him. “What’s your name?”

“Anthony.”

At this Tony huffed, shaking his head with a small grin. “Of course it is. Great name.”

With you and Tony sufficiently distracted putting signatures on paper for your adoring fans, Rhodey leaned a little closer and lowered his voice. “Listen, the Pentagon is scared. After what happened in New York... aliens, come on. They need to look strong. Stopping the Mandarin is priority, but it’s not…”

“Superhero business. I got it.” Tony’s head was still ducked, really focused on his signature. But you felt the spike in anxiety once those two words were uttered.

You, on the other hand, were slightly ruffled. “Well I don’t. If we’re not getting involved- which, by the way, I don’t want to- but then why is Ellis blowing up our phones?”

Rhodey shook his head. “He’s just as scared, and maybe thinks he should be able to rely on you guys- but, that’s a discussion for a different time. That’s a whole other fight.”

Tony’s tone was suddenly very curt. “I said I got it. I understand. I-...”

You handed Erin her drawing back, but then reached out as you felt Tony’s resolve waver. As you felt him dip underneath a new wave. “Tony…”

He pressed the crayon down on the paper, snapping it in half. Rhodey’s hand was on his other shoulder. “You okay?”

Tony put a hand to his face. “I broke the crayon.”

Rhodey soothed his hand over Tony’s shoulder. “Take it easy, Tones.”

You rubbed his back, but already you were finding it hard to breathe. He was overwhelming you so suddenly. “Honey, you’re okay-” Trying to will that thought into existence for him.

Erin looked up. “Are you alright, Mr. Stark?”

You hoped against hope that he was going to pull out of this and be okay. But he was spiraling- and he startled you as he sprung up to his feet, suddenly unable to catch his breath. “I gotta- I gotta-” And then bolted, shoving restaurant patrons out of the way as he ran. In his wake he left you gasping for air as you felt yourself drowning in the wake of his panic.

People were looking. Watching. Everyone was acutely aware Tony Stark had just pushed children aside and ran from a restaurant. You had to claw, had to grab tight of your better instinctual sense to protect him and his image. Because the rest of you had started disappearing so far beneath his waves you’d grabbed onto the table to keep yourself afloat.

“Rhode-”

“Go.”

Knowing he would clean up here, freeing you to launch yourself out of your seat- steady yourself- because everything was fine. Tony Stark was fine- you tried to will the thought into existence so everyone with their phones out recording you wouldn’t make tomorrow’s headline. The last thing you needed. Once you found your feet, you calmly walked from the restaurant.

Just barely outside, people were gathered around the Iron Man suit, which was kneeling on the ground. Inside you felt the tremble of his continued panicking and it smacked you so hard you wheezed an inhale, pressing a hand over your heart where you felt it start beating double time.

As soon as you found your voice- “Move, please. Move.” And when people continued to stand around and stare at the spectacle he’d become- the much more interesting focal point- wondering about him, already starting rumors about him, speaking unkindly about him-

You let anger take you instead. And after that you swept your hands up and then out in a motion just so. Literally clearing them out as you dropped into the dark space and saw each one of their nearby profiles. Every person standing too close to him, you poked with a little bit urgent need.

Don’t you all have something to take care of?

Walking around each unconscious being, a little tap tap on the shoulder. A little injection of worry. Thinking:

Did I leave the curling iron on? I need to make a phone call. The kids are waiting in the car-

Didn’t matter. You just wanted them away from him. And once the zombified quick shuffle of feet came on and the two of you were left alone, you knelt down to him, trying to catch your breath. Feeling all too light headed.

But you focused for him. “Tony.” Trying to level out your tone. Struggling. “Talk to me.”

You expected the helmet to slide back. To see his face. To hear his actual voice. But instead you heard that slightly mechanical pang as it was broadcast out to you. “I gotta go.”

Then with almost no thought at all he stood, practically knocking you back, and took off.

Just like that.

Leaving you half sitting on the pavement, staring up at the sky. Watching him disappear.

At that exact moment, almost every part of you wanted to give in. To lie down on the sidewalk and just…

“Hey.” Looking over your shoulder, your saw Rhodey’s hand extended out. To help you. Weakly with your last bit of strength and resolve, you put yours in his and let him lift you. “What the hell was that?” And then, when you took too long to answer, he waved a hand in front of your face. Called your name once. Then set his hands on both your shoulders and turned you to actually look at him. “You okay?” Asking with every sense that you absolutely were not.

A buzz took over your ear, and LUNA spoke, “Ms. Potts on the line for you.”

Probably not good. Probably alerting you to the fact that videos of Tony’s meltdown were circulating already. Gaining buzz. Wanting to know what to do next. Weakly to Rhodey, “I’m fine- sorry, one second-” And then turning your head to the side, you tried to prep for more bad news. “Put Pepper on.”

Pep’s voice started in in a flurry. “Hey, your five o’clock is here early. Which is bad because I kinda wanted to talk to you about this meeting before you went in- I know you’re probably busy, but can you come to the office?”

A meeting. Trite. Trivial. So small in comparison to the fact that you were pretty sure your life was falling apart. Had been for a while now. And you had no way to stop it.

That black hole almost swallowed you up, as you stared blankly into the distance. The feel of something on your face drew your attention back. Eyes picking up focus, you realized Rhodey had a handkerchief at your noise, and a gentle hand to the back of your head as he tilted you a little. “You’re bleeding.”

“I am?” Hadn’t something like this happened recently, too? You took the cloth from him, wiping at your nose. “I’m sorry- about that-”

“Don’t be sorry. Just be honest with me. You two are not doing so hot, huh?” Your frown as he said this, crossing his arms, probably told the whole story. “I have people you can talk to- and you seem like you need to talk to someone- I’m trying not to be overbearing here, but I think-”

A shot passed through your ears. Something painful. Terrible. You just started nodding at him as you cut him off. “Yeah- no, I appreciate it. I do. Just. Send them over. I’ll look into it. I have to go- I have to… Pepper needs me and then I have to see what Tony’s doing- it’s date night-” Talking over him. Silencing him.

When he really understood, he stopped trying and just shook his head. “Yeah. Look. I’m gonna be in town for a while. So just… I’m not far, alright? You want me to check in on him?”

Waving over, you got Happy’s attention, who’d just been sitting in the car watching something on his tablet. After he started the car again and pulled up to the curb you offered Rhodey a terrible weak smile. “If he’ll let you. That would be nice. Thank you.”

“Yeah. No problem.” His tone was quiet. A little defeated.

Weren’t you all?

#Tony Stark #Tony Stark x Reader #INY Chapter Seventy Two

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galileosunshine · 6 years ago

Note

All of them :)

Oh boy, here we go. SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO LONG ^^;;

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffe mugs bc I’m kinda afraid of breaking teacups or wine glasses, and I just don’t like water bottles or soda cans! XD

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Depends on my mood ^^

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

COTTON CANDY! They are magical.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

I was always the teacher’s pet ahaha

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Glass cups!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Formal! I don’t think I’d look good in the other styles

7. earbuds or headphones?

Aaah I love headphones but they’re expensive... so I have earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

generally movies unless I get super invested in a tv show!

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Watermelons!

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

None of them lol (I guess I was decent at basketball)

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Scrambled eggs and toast with strawberry jam

12. name of your favorite playlist?

I don’t really make playlists! I usually listen by album or artist!

13. lanyard or key ring?

Hmm... key ring?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Sour skittles or sour punch straw bites!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

East of Eden by John Steinbeck. A truly remarkable story about man’s free will in choosing good or evil

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Seiza

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

The ones I have now. They’re brown leather shoes that can pass as formal but aren’t really XD

18. ideal weather?

Sunny but cool!

19. sleeping position?

On my right side with one arm under my pillow!

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

In a notebook

21. obsession from childhood?

Idk if I have any... an interest in space?

22. role model?

My mom. She’s a strong woman

23. strange habits?

After I eat a plum I like to keep the pit in my mouth and suck on it for like... an hour.... (or more...)

24. favorite crystal?

Peacock ore (idk crystals well but on a buzzfeed quiz that’s what I picked)

25. first song you remember hearing?

My mom singing to me in Chinese “This is the day that the Lord hath made”

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Eat watermelon

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

....cuddle ^^;

28. five songs to describe you?

Aaahhh.....

Aoi Chi, and Hoshi wo Otosu by Galileo Galilei

Ashita ni wa Subete ga Owaru Toshite by Kinoko Teikoku

Mayonaka no Orchestra by Aqua Timez

Light Delight by Poppin’ Party

29. best way to bond with you?

Listen to Galileo Galilei with me... but this might be asking a bit much so I wouldn’t push it. Next would be, watching anime together? ^^;

30. places that you find sacred?

religious structures/monuments, graves and cemeteries, the usual sacred places... and anyone’s personal bookshelf.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

I don’t wanna kick ass or take names :(

32. top five favorite vines?

THERE’S TOO MANY I LIKE and I don’t keep track of them!!!

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“Hhh...” “Asghkjsdjf;as”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Not really, I don’t watch tv much anymore

35. average time you fall asleep?

2-3 a.m.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

... don’t remember

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Suitcase!

38. lemonade or tea?

depends on mood!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon cake!

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Idk...

41. last person you texted?

My twin

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Jacket pockets!!!

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie or cardigan!

44. favorite scent for soap?

I like my pomegranate one rn ^^

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

oooh... sci-fi or superhero!

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

my gym shorts from middle school and a thin t-shirt XD

47. favorite type of cheese?

Gah I don’t like cheese by itself much or in large concentrations

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

I don’t know! I tried asking my friends this too but they couldn’t say either lol

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and if you ever are, always make amends.” That or, “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

Ahhh... I can’t remember but it was probably sometime hanging out with friends

51. current stresses?

My exams hhh....

52. favorite font?

No preference ^^;

53. what is the current state of your hands?

?? mine are kinda rough and dry....

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Don’t try to take on everything by yourself.

55. favorite fairy tale?

Journey to the West (Sun Wu Kong), although this may be too long to count as a fairy tale aha...

56. favorite tradition?

The entire holiday of Christmas :D

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

The death of my dad was the hardest thing I ever had to overcome and nothing else really comes close enough to that that I can rank on the same level :(

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Learning the piano and Japanese, and ah...

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Yay I did it!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

A soft, slowburn romantic comedy uwu

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

Aaahhh way too much to pick...

62. seven characters you relate to?

Arima Kousei (YLiA), Riko Sakurauchi (Love Live!), Sayo Hikawa (Bandori), Mabuchi Kou (Ao Haru), Nana Daiba (Revue Starlight), Takuto (Star Driver (don’t really relate but I really like him)), Kaoru (Sakamichi no Apollon)

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Pop Spice and Upper Tune by YKMM, and.... many GARNiDELiA songs

64. favorite website from your childhood?

AQWorlds....

65. any permanent scars?

It looks like a bald spot on my eyebrow. From when I tripped and bashed my head on an armchair ^^;;

66. favorite flower(s)?

Lilies, cherry blossoms, azaleas

67. good luck charms?

small trinkets that friends have given me ^^

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Asparagus for food!! and.... eggnog for drink?

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

can’t think of one XD

70. left or right handed?

Right

71. least favorite pattern?

not sure what this means... XD

72. worst subject?

probably... English lit.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

I don’t have any I’m not a very adventurous person with food XD

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

Probably like... 7 or 8

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

Waah I don’t remember!

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Waffle fries!!

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Succulents!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Sushi from a grocery store XD

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

I can’t make out the picture on my school id now cus it’s so faded, so... drivers license XD

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Like to wear? I find jewel tones more pleasing but... earth tones probably suit me

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

I kinda use both...

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

Writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket?

I didn’t play with either but barbie if I had to choose!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology!!!

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Chocolate chip cookies only and if not, cupcakes

87. your greatest fear?

Being alone in life...

88. your greatest wish?

To make my friends and family happy!

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My twin brother and my significant other if I had one!

90. luckiest mistake?

um... can’t think of one

91. boxes or bags?

This is weird... they suit different situations and needs!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Lamps

93. nicknames?

Joey mainly, but I’ve had Josie before ^^

94. favorite season?

Fall in terms of weather but summer bc no school and I can see friends!

95. favorite app on your phone?

Twitter.... or SIF

96. desktop background?

A piece of art for YLiA

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

98. favorite historical era?

Tang Dynasty China or Ancient Greece!

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clumothy · 5 years ago

Note

All of them :3

I deserved this.1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Soda cans

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Proooooobs cotton candy. Bubble gum loses its flavour way too fast

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Angry, annoying, uncooperative, etc. I wasn’t a pleasing student in elementary school

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Soda bottles

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

I’m a fan of formal wear

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones

8. movies or tv shows?

movies

9. favorite smell in the summer?

campfires

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

badminton

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

I usually skip breakfast

12. name of your favorite playlist?

“heck” lol its fun when I yell ‘Hey Siri, shuffle heck!’

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Sour Patch Kids

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

The Great Gatsby

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

leaned on one side with a leg up

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

I have a zipup pair I love

18. ideal weather?

15 ° Celsius and sunny

19. sleeping position?

face down!

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Phone notes app

21. obsession from childhood?

I mean, Pokemon, Mario, Sonic, etc. The usuals

22. role model?

RDJ is pretty inspiring when you read his story

23. strange habits?

sleeping chest down? I’m not that strange of a person

24. favorite crystal?

Emerald

25. first song you remember hearing?

Another one Bites the Dust by Queen

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Go for walks. I am dog.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Stay inside. I am cat.

28. five songs to describe you?

A) Your Love - The Outfield

B) Heat of the Moment - Asia

C) Get a Ride - The Northern Hues

D) Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

E) Is it arrogant to say Iron Man - Black Sabbath?

29. best way to bond with you?

Quiet talks in low lit rooms. Sounds creepy, is fun in practice.

30. places that you find sacred?

The kitchen

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Dress as formally as possible

32. top five favorite vines?

I’m a Giraffe, Adam!, Is that a weed?, only one thing worse than a rapist, and of course: SHAWDY I DON’T MIND!

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“That’s Fair.”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Avenge the Fallen

35. average time you fall asleep?

1:30 am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Does the Lazy Song by Bruno Mars

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea?

if its iced, tea.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Anything with meringue wins

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Someone gave the special needs kids weed brownies and that was a weird day.

41. last person you texted?

You

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I love my jacket pockets because they arent the average hand pockets but I keep my phone wallet and keys in my pants pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

leather jacket

44. favorite scent for soap?

uh. soap. Pumpkin I guess?

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Tie between Fantasy and Superhero

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

tshirt and boxers

47. favorite type of cheese?

Dude. Cheesestrings are good. Idgaf

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

A spicy pepper

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen? They happen because of you.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

God you or chaz have said something like every week that made me laugh harder than the previous thing

51. current stresses?

doggos and schoooooooool

52. favorite font?

the uh. The coca cola font is nice. Isn’t it also the ford trucks?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

a tad beat up but healing nicely

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Only give 100% of your effort if it makes you happy. If you’re giving 100% and you aren’t happy I guarantee no one cares. If you can get away with giving 60 or 70% and your boss is fine with that, awesome. Giving 100% all day every day is exhausting and if your job expects that of you it truly isn’t a good place to work. In my opinion at least

55. favorite fairy tale?

SHREK.

56. favorite tradition?

I dont really have any but I’m excited to start one or two

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Depression, school, learning to let go of “toxic and entitled” people

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

singing, designing, thinking quick and mathematics

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Talley Ho!” I wanna be a pirate don’t @ me

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

A farmer. I like Stardew Valley but as an anime

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

All that is gold does not glitter - J. R. R. Tolkien

62. seven characters you relate to?

Tony Stark, Peter Parker, Link Link, Jim Halpert, Edward Elric I guess, Bilbo Baggins, and uh. uh. Shrek?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

The Malo Mart theme on repeat, we don’t need any other songs. Ever.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Webkins and Miniclip

65. any permanent scars?

Three on my head/face, one on my stomach and probs one forming on my finger

66. favorite flower(s)?

lavender

67. good luck charms?

I love that triforce chip you got me

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

PEPPERMINT!

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Nintendo almost owned the Sony Playstation but backed out last moment. WHOOPS.

70. left or right handed?

Right for most things but oddly left handed on other things

71. least favorite pattern?

I agree with you, pokadots suck. but especially uneven pokadots

72. worst subject?

Biology

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

spicy and sweet, like the spicy gummies i had

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

who knoooows. Proooobs at age 3?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Tater tots! also fries too and flavoured chips

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

A cactus. Lets get a cactus.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Sushiiiiii

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

School ID.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE

82. pc or console?

Both have perks but console mostly

83. writing or drawing?

drawing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

talk radio

84. barbie or polly pocket?

polly pocket. When i was a kid i went to this babysitter and the girls all played with Polly Pockets and I was the only guy and Polly Pockets were the same size as my Mario toys!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

The death of those around me

88. your greatest wish?

A peaceful life with you and our friends with little to no stress

89. who would you put before everyone else?

You

90. luckiest mistake?

Breaking up with you a few years ago? Idk kinda helped our relationship in the longrun

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

lamps

93. nicknames?

Clum/Clump/Clumothy and Smeef

94. favorite season?

Spring

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr probably

96. desktop background?

The master sword in the korok forest

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

two.

98. favorite historical era?

Medieval!

hooooly shit that was long

#Ask

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trendingnewsb · 7 years ago

Text

Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Posts coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy clubs from time to time. I mentioned how healthy he looked in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinns one-man show (which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that surprised me. He talked about the game comics play of initially sabotaging a set with the audience, then seeing if you can dig yourself out of that hole. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life. You should be a shrink, he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Arties triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called: Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again.

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own show in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surpriseand unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer for anyone who follows shock-jock radioin August 2017, he started a new show with Cumia called The AA Show. Now, not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing, where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet?, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence, what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017: Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend show. Dec. 13, 2017: Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges. Dec. 15, 2017: Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attells birthday (Artie just turned 50 himself), Lange met me in between sets at New York Citys Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from fans and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the comedy club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Mandy: So I guess Im wondering at what point all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for instance, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so thats 38 days. But heres the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So nows the real work. And Im not going to lie to you, its a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie: No, no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35th, and I would go there before Howard. They would give it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. Its fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said, Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why dont I stay on that. I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and its accepted by society. It looks like a pill you take for blood pressure every morning, so thats how Ive got to look at it. It lets you not go cold turkey.

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Artie: Ive been in jail like eight times, and this past time, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like, What are you doing? And Im thinking to myself, Well, your honor, Im dead. And you know, Im trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical stuff, people would see the first or the second day of withdrawals, girlfriends would say, Well, that was really bad. And Im like, You saw the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage. The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if youre a big user like I became, if youre not physically stopped from getting dope, youll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I always had money. Ive never had to steal. I dont judge those people. Like people say to me, Have you ever blown a guy for heroin? I say, No. But then again, no ones ever asked.

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I dont know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. Ive never ODed. Ive had dealers say, Jesus Christ. What the fuck. But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and thats what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think [Barack] Obamas was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then shes also seen me withdrawing in jail.

youtube

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But shrinks go, Youve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved. I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I dont know, I figured Id put on a red shirt and go out. I didnt know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention planned that I didnt even know about. I go, Ma, you never planned a surprise party.

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anybody, but I dont tell her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab, I thought to myself, Do I just want to kill my mother now? Like its going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same bucket. I love Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recovery rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, hed be running a rehab. Its such a corrupt industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie: I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesnt let you do that to people. Like its almost an NFL union. You cant pee-test people. Not that Im complaining about it, but I dont get fired from shows because ultimately its a forgiving business for stuff like that. People always say its a forgiving business. And, its true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and hes like the best actor ever. But for every one of him, theres like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right angle and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. Were both sort of outlaws. Without this podcasting technology you know we both would be out of a job now, probably. Its such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, Im doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then Im on Crashing which is an HBO-produced show I love, but which could not be more the other way. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. Ive got books and stand-up, and Im still making a lot of money doing it. If thats not going to go away, theres not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. Its almost like therapy. A lot of people dont understand a comics mind. People are like, Youre going to jump right into stand-up? Yeah, thats what I have to do. I cant stop doing it. And Anthonys show is like from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Its the most fun Ive ever had in my life. Even more fun than Howard. Because I was never uncensored on Howard. Its his show. Its Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would meet somebody in the Hamptons, and we wouldnt know about it. Like me and Fred [Norris, the longest tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldnt know about it. And then hed be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So Id say something about Richard Gere, and hed go, You got a problem with him? Id go, Havent we always had a problem with him? No, I had dinner with him. Well, can I get the memo? I dont give a shit. Ill put him on the fucking list. But I wouldnt not be able to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The show, I couldnt be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that hes the same guy off-air. But its not true for Howard. Howards a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the example I always use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the walk until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the head. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chancelike no one else has become an A-list person through the radiobut when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought hes going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you see them through the window eating, and hes going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the chance, like Jennifer Anistons wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Artie: Right. And to me as a fan, its like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana [Sironi], she was close with Beth [Ostrosky Stern]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I dont want to make it sound like Im bitter. I still love Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, theyre not allowed to call me. I swear to God, Ive had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Look, Im a person whos impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldnt say. Its hurt me my whole life, and Im a junkie.

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesnt have to be rape to ruin somebodys life. Thats true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if youre a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, youve got a lot going on, probably. And theres this comedian, who back then he wasnt famous, but hes always been respected, and they certainly knew him. And hes promising them shit supposedly, and its just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. Its just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes hes written that I like. But you know Ill go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think hes overrated. To me, it was like the emperors new clothes came off. In the hotel room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I mean, some people think Im a misogynist because of stuff on the Stern show. You know Ive never told anybody this, but this is how my family feels about sex predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher hurting a girl I knew, the way my dad dealt with it was by waiting outside the teachers house, putting a bag over the guys head, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad came back, disguised his voice, and he said, Stop fucking touching little girls. Im not condoning how he handled it, but thats just the truth. My father thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think its a comedy. My momshe is the strongest woman in my lifeand she and my sister are my heroes. Any woman whos ever dated me will tell you, Im like, Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you? I think in Hollywood, its a case of these nerdy guys who dont know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like Ive never been a Casanova but Ive always been able to get a date. I think the more time you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: Ive had several comics over the years tell me about their personal dislike for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think theres any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: Im probably one of those guys. I thought he could follow me on Bitter. I dont like bashing of comedians in general. I hated the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that money, and that bitterness comes out. Then his brother steals millions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I think Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for comedy. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing jokes, and he can do that at home. We get it. Youre a hard worker. But I guess were going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete [Holmes]. The way Judd lets you improvise, and the money… see Ive never been involved in something that you might call a hit. Except the Stern show, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is spending. They shot it like a playyou dont have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the way that I talk and work, it was way better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my book, which was flattering, and he said, Just tell me stories about your life, about what can happen off-stage, so like the ghost of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think its great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearance. And Stern is joking, saying, You need coke. Youre a lot better on it. He also says, Go out and get into more trouble, and well have you back on.

Artie: I know. But you cant blame anyone else for any of this. Howards genius is seeing which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started getting fined for stupid shit. Were getting $500,000 fines for jokes Im making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedymore so in marketing. I think he saw over time the way the show was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he also knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that era of radio with me. I wouldnt fit in now at all. I cant stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like, Jesus, it must be personal. Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, havent they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, its a confusing disease. One day a Twinkie could save your life, and another day it could kill you. Im not a good preparer so thats why I was bad in school. I was like, Lets get the fuck out of here and get to life. Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, youre supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you eat. Im like, What the fuck, are you kidding me? Im going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonalds? Its bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now its under control. Its fine, actually. But you know, give me two months out of the hospital and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. Thats the signifier of a loser. They also put me on the liver list. I needed a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic someone recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it cost like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, completely normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said, Youve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic athlete.

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You need a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern fans who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guys car. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of pancakes. And I called into the show and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didnt think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said, Howard, I think youve got to fire Artie. I love him. But he needs consequences.

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People think that I want to be someone who uses. I dont. I mean, I remember in Little League when I didnt use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I dont lie to friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you dont tell your boss youre doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. Theres also a misconception I hate that Howard didnt care about me. He tried to get me help. Several times he said to me, Take as long as you want, and when you come back you have a job.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: Thats interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. Hes the legendary manager who managed [John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farleyits funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 years later he said it again to mehe said, Well, whatd you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs? I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of burning himself. And thats a terrible thing to think, but I got the opportunity, and I made every mistake you could make. I was like, Why not? The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stones going in there. Two years on MadTV aint exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff Ive done with Norm Im so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which Im proud of. But with the Stern show, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private jet, and theres a line around the block, and its all for us. Howard is married. Fred is married. Everyones married, and then theres me. The strippers going down her list, and she says, I guess Ill fuck him.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He put a very nice thing in his book about me. He called me the last time, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I love Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work, and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV. And Judd now. These are famous guys. [Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said, You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you. Hes right. I mean, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He also got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own shower. And I asked Quincy, How do you have so much sway in prison? He said, I made Thriller.

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: Its the anger. Ill give you an example. Its a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an agency as an assistant. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV. And she was pregnantshe got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age makes this look like Mr. Rogers. So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said, Lets go to that place. I want to tell you something. Shes crying, and she says, I had an abortion. I was mad, and I said, Why? And she said, You know, Artie, youre going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I cant deal with that.

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Artie: It is a strange world. Its like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto its kind of like, I get it now. I dont agree with how he went about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network. That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie: You know, its funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, broke, driving a cab, parking a cab in front of The Comic Strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have [Joe] Matarese or [Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern show, I saw how toxic that entire environment was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who werent comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly making statements about it. Like if I died, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I saw the sharks swimming like Ive never seen before. I thought I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into that job, but man, the way people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is that they thought they could do it. And you know, theres a reason that chair stayed empty. Im done being humble with some things. That chair isnt empty completely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but theres no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that show better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, man. I told stories that cost me relationships with some people, and I didnt realize it. I almost got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking show because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. Im like, Why the fuck do you think that? I guess theres reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said, Artie, you are one entertaining fuckup.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I love Trump. Ive had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart, he told me to tell the joke that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump goes, Artie was the worst of the roast. He bombed. I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said, Im not doing it. Because Im fucking rooting for him. And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his club. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I saw him at Howards wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small. I had played Carnegie Hall at this point, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you know. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he laughed at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said, That was a very hard thing to do, and you were amazing. He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I always respected the guy.

Whether youre for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because theyre pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didnt. One guys working at a gift shop in Kennebunkport. The other guys president. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didnt say he hates all Mexicans. He told the truth about the drug problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump just doesnt give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed piece, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And its like, Calm the fuck down. It washes down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many votes during the primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that Ive read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the fans are saying, I dont want to watch him kill himself anymore, and like, Ive stopped believing him.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, Ill give you something Ive never told anybody. So my father was obsessed with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said, If I die, lets have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you know, we talk. So my father said, when he was lying in bed, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didnt know that. He said, Lets do that. I go, OK. His father, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. His father worked at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said, Lets make it Otis.

So Im in rehab this latest time, several weeks ago. And Im in the van, which the hilarious security guards call The Druggie Buggie. Or The Loser Cruiser, thats what they call it in jail. So Ive just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal part, and I looked better, I guess. It was a beautiful day. Where I went in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said, I feel better this time. I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere, I think youre going to make it this time. And I said, I guess I gotta think like that. And I stretched over, and there was a car that said Otis on it. The elevator at the rehab that never broke, they said, when I told them the story, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I dont believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing thats ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly shes religious, and she goes, Dads talking to you. Im telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I looked up and it was a clear sky and it says Otis, I was just like, Jesus Christ.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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trendingnewsb · 7 years ago

Text

Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

youtube

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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