#but i've also missed so much study time bc i had like 4 weeks where i was too depressed and stressed to and then 2 weeks last month where i

[bensdavies]

i am never going to be able to pass this fucking exam at work i do not have the brain capacity 

[airenyah]

get to know me ask game

considering i was tagged by 4 different people (@lurkingteapot, @recentadultburnout, @telomeke, @nongnaos -- thank you guys <3) in the last two-ish weeks i think it's about time i finally get to this. sorry i'm late dfkgkldfgkldf

RULES: bold the ones that are true and tag some people to do it.

APPEARANCE

Blonde hair // I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing [it's just so much more comfy lbr] // I have one or more piercings // I have at least one tattoo // I have dyed or highlighted my hair [i had red highlights as a child and i've gone blonde twice] // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails [sort of -- i used to for quite a while bc it's the only thing stopping me from my horrible nail biting habit but unfortunately i got lazy during lockdowns and now i hardly paint them anymore] // I typically wear makeup // I don’t often smile // I am pleased with how I look // I prefer Nike to Adidas // I wear baseball hats backwards

HOBBIES AND TALENTS

I play a sport // I can play an instrument [i've played the violin on and off since i was 5 years old (currently at 3 years of lessons since my last break), i also played the piano from age 7 to 19 and the recorder from age 6 to 15 (that is soprano recorder, alto recorder, tenor recorder and even bass recorder for a semester or so)] // I am artistic [i'd say so... i mean i'm not the most talented person but i HAVE worked as a professional graphic designer for a year and a half and i sometimes make gifs (if you want to see them then search for the tag meine grafiken on my blog)] // I know more than one language [lmao i mean... i'm not a monolingual english speaker so... ok but in all seriousness: my native language is german/austrian dialect and obviously i know english. part of my family is italian so i know conversational italian as well (plus it's one of my working languages at uni). i can understand conversational norwegian and i'm slowly starting to understand more and more conversational thai (i'm at a point where i can watch a lot of shows without subtitles and understand the main plot, even if i miss some details) i had french in school and remember some basics (like how to introduce myself and some specific vocabulary like colours or numbers) and i've also looked into korean so i can read it and i know some basic grammar and a few words here and there] // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim [perks of being part italian means that unlike most austrians i actually learned how to swim in the mediterranean sea hehehe] // I enjoy writing [kinda?? i enjoyed writing stories in school but i never really write in my free time although sometimes i think i'd like to. but then when i sit down to do it i just never have any ideas and so i give up] // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing [i went to an elementary school with a music focus which is why i played 3 instruments and my class was also a choir. i also took group singing lessons at the local music school in my teens. if i had the time and the money i'd get some solo singing lessons. i've considered looking into it for the coming winter semester] // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with friends [i love them so much 🥺🥺🥺] // I travel during work or school breaks [i love traveling internationally when i can afford it. i also travel within austria sometimes, especially since they introduced the klimaticket which is a ticket that lets you use a whole bunch of public transports from trains to trams to busses all around austria. every few months i go visit my friend who studies in southern austria] // I can do a handstand

RELATIONSHIP

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year [i don't really care much for dating and relationships tbh] // I have a crush // I have a best friend who I’ve known for ten years [we met at summer camp 12 years ago and we're celebrating our 10 year anniversary of being best friends this winter -- hi @magsimags ily] // my parents are together [i don't understand how but somehow they've made it work for lthe past 30ish years idk] // I have dated my best friend // I am adopted // My crush has confessed to me // I have a long distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends [i mean if it comes up or if they actively ask for it then sure] // I have made an online friend [a few actually, i've made quite a few online fandom friends and then i also have a few online language tandem friends] // I met up with someone I have met online [i've met up with a bunch of language tandem partners irl that i found online first. as for my tumblr mutuals, there are 4 in total that i've seen irl -- you know who you are <333]

AESTHETICS

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sun rise [let me be clear, it was bc i pulled an all-nighter or was suffering from insomnia. NOT bc i'd voluntarily get up at an insane hour in the morning to watch the sun rise. plus in the winter it's a lot easier to watch the sun rise without meaning to bc if you happen to have class or work early in the morning you might actually get to see it rise while you're on your way there] // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars [one time during summer camp we spent the night on a field underneath the stars, it was very lovely] // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me [i like spring!! i like summer!! i like warmth!! chirping means it's spring or summer and warm!!!!] // I enjoy the smell of the beach [i spent a significant amount of time at the mediterranean sea when i was a child and i miss the sea so fucking much. unfortunately austria is a landlocked country] // I know what snow tastes like [it snows in the winter in austria, you can bet your ass i've eaten snow as a child] // I listen to music to fall asleep // I enjoy thunderstorms [only in the summer tho and when i'm safe and sound inside and it's not keeping me up in the middle of the night when i'm trying to sleep] // I enjoy cloud watching [kinda!! i mean the sky is so pretty like!!!!] // I have attended a bonfire [not big ones but we regularly had fires at summer camp] // I pay close attention to colors // I find mystery in the ocean [idk if i'd say i find mystery in the ocean but i sure find it fascinating] // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favorite season

MISCELLANEOUS

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // I am the mom friend [around certain people i absolutely turn into the mom friend, but not around everyone so i won't make this red] // I live by a certain quote [yeah "wenn's passt, dann passt's". it's tricky to translate, something like "if it's a good fit, it'll work out". the literal meaning is "if it fits, it fits" or "if it works out, it works out"] // I like the smell of sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities // I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall asleep [sometimes?????] // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least 3 dogs

since i'm late to the party i have absolutely no idea who's gotten tagged already so if you've done this already or don't want to do it at all feel free to ignore!!

tagging: @solo-silenzio @magsimags @newyearknwwme @killiru @gaym3bo1 @elnotwoods @swabianhotpocket @cornflowershade @gillianthecat

[a-vibing-potato]

Finally got to watch Supernatural today for the first time in an actual week bc I've been to sick to absorb anything crazy and new since then and I watched 3 episodes :) (Season 2 Episodes 4-6)

They were so so good, especially No Exit (I LIVE for the Jo/Dean banter and honestly just Jo as a character. They both give off such strong bisexual vibes and as a bi/pan person myself the entire episode was just PANIC at how gorgeous everyone is.)

I also feel like I haven't been talking/ranting/rambling about Supernatural as much as I usually do with other fandoms??? I guess Season 1 was just really chill and funny and amazing but the end was BRUTAL. So intense and dramatic, and the beginning of Season 2 has been the same until about where I'm at now. Everyone's grieving John's death (and I'm like don'tttttt he sucksssss), and there's like no smiling/laughing/banter at all. Very serious first several episodes because this season will actually have plot and things happening to characters and not just the goofy "monster of the week" the first season had, which is good but I also miss my goofy quotable banter dialogue :( which is why I loved No Exit so much because it was actually funny again. Love my palette cleanser episodes with all my heart <333

Anyway, cannot WAIT to see where this season goes, I'm super excited for the next few episodes because I know a few things that are going to happen (thank you, little booklet that came with my box of all 15 seasons I got for Christmas that tells me descriptions for every single episode) and I will probably update tomorrow with dramatic thoughts about Crossroad Blues and Dean being stupid and making a deal with the devil :) If the Yellow-Eyed Demon comes, I'll cry :)

Love y'all, have a great night and look forward to more rambles to (hopefully!) come! (Really hopefully because I do also have a ton of school to make up this weekend from being sick. Plus two tests to study for :( but SPN!)

[aloyssobek]

i need to brain dump

work has made me so stressed to the point where i'm currently on week 2 of 4 of stress leave from work because i burnt completely out. i'm mostly feeling better (especially knowing that my heart is pretty much fine). i...may have had a couple of proper breakdowns tho over the past week because of like idk residual stress and overthinking. but i have enjoyed taking a break in the middle of term and like resetting. i haven't been great with keeping a routine but it's also only the second week.

but when i think about going back to work, not just teaching but work, i feel like shit. i don't want to work. i want to study. i want to do research. the only work that i feel remotely okay with the idea of is doing research. but not necessarily my own research or novel research just....helping out. doing grunt work. leaving at the end of the day and leaving my work at work. and maybe getting some wfh in there for when i feel like shit but still up for doing things. because i have been really sick (most likely) because of my stress!!! i've been getting pains and i still need to talk to my respiratory doctor about my test results but that appointment is still scheduled for october and i am going to get some other tests done and another cardiology appt this year and the idea of trying to navigate any of that whilst working even if it's at 0.8 that's still, by the nature of my fucking job, basically full time, exhausts me. like i'm tired thinking about doing any of that. like knowing that i have those appointments towards the end of the year makes me just want to throw in the towel even more. just chill out for a bit. go to my stupidly spaced out appointments.

i've never really chilled out because even semester breaks at uni or in hs were limited. i've been in school since 2000. i already went to uni for 7 years which in and of itself is...a lot but it's fine ig. but i went straight into full time teaching at the beginning of 2020 during a fucking pandemic. and i had surgery in 2021. and several people have died in my family over the past few years. like...i'm tired. but...i also feel like i'm not being intellectually stimulated enough with my work. which feels stupid bc i teach science and maths but it's all so second nature now i feel so MEH even though there's new stuff i just.....i feel like i'm done with it now. this feels like the greatest piece of evidence i could leverage about having some sort of dopamine deficiency because i think that's part of it i'm BORED and uni, whilst often stressful and frustrating, it at least presented novel challenges to me every 6 months. and i'm missing that. i'm fucking craving that feeling i miss having little projects i miss doing the thing and then moving on to a new thing. doing crafts doesn't do the same thing bc perfectionism but that's a different thing.

i guess i miss not having to doubt myself at every fucking turn, which i do at work now. i know i'm good at my job. but it's because i'm a fucking perfectionist that keeps doubting what they're doing at every fucking step and i don't trust myself to do anything right so i'm constantly re-doing things all the fucking time. and you'd think being a teacher would present novel opportunities all the time. and yeah! but also! the fucking amount of decision fatigue!!! makes everything worse all the time!! i just want to do my projects and learn new things and have things change in a predictable way every 6 months. i'm so tired man. i cannot emphasise enough how much i feel in my entire fucking being the need i have to do research. fuck man.

[litakino]

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of Rose's death. Also, this November she would've been 30y/o.

She was a close friend of mine, and died of an aneurysm; she collapsed on stage while singing and playing the guitar, and died the next day.

Rose was the same age as my sister, two years younger than me, and her sister is my age and was my best friend. So the four of us were really close, almost like sisters. We would spend the summer holidays either with our family, or theirs, whichever family went to the beach that year.

She was such a big part of my life growing up, that it's weird thinking that she's "stuck" at 20, and I'm 32 now.

I'll try really hard to convey, how important she is to everyone who knew her. How missed she is.

She was so smart, like book smart, but also surprisingly insightful for a 20y/o.

I remember Rose telling me once "I wanted to know if I liked it, so I kissed a girl. But it's not for me". You have no idea how important that was for me. Like I've never even thought of the possibility of not being straight (raised catholic and very conservative), it's not that I was repressed, it was just something I never even considered before.

And she was from a family very much like mine, but able to break away and try her own path (it wasn't that she went around kissing people; and there's nothing wrong with being that person, but she just wasn't, I'm saying this to illustrate how important it was that she did it).

Rose also loved things with all her being. And she was never ashamed of the things she liked. Like she would go into forums and investigate about her heroes and know all there was to know about ER and Sarah McLachlan and Rent and U2 and musicals and Broadway and Wicked.

I'm writing because there's so much she would've done, so many what-ifs I feel I need to make her be present this way, this year.

She wasn't top of her class when she graduated high school, just because she didn't want to spend too much time studying. She was close second though, and that was just with minimal effort. She was a real life Hermione.

Also, Rose was tall, and big, and had long bushy hair. She had to buy her heels from drag queen shops bc her feet were so big, "regular" shoe shops didn't carry her size. And she was CONFIDENT. Like, loved to wear her hair down, big and all, no shits given.

And was really good at shopping for cool clothes, even though most traditionally "feminine" shops didn't carry her size (take into consideration, this was 2009/2010 and we grew up in a small city in Argentina, there weren't many shops available, and "plus size" meant grandma's clothes)

Her last birthday (2010) she rocked a really short shirt-dress with bright yellow tights, I can't even begin to imagine what her style might have been nowadays.

It took her some time to gain that confidence, went through the awkward baggy-pants-and-big-sweatshirt phase like most of us fat girls, but she already loved herself when she was finishing high school. It took me many more years to reach that stage.

I'm painting the best picture, since everything positive about her comes to mind these days.

That's not to say, she was perfect. She definitely wasn't. She was human and made mistakes and (I'm sure) hurt people.

She was loud and could be obnoxious sometimes, but there are very few teenagers and young adults who aren't.

Oh also, Rose really enjoyed singing. And she was really good at it.

She was studying to become an English teacher.

She was really spiritual, and sang in church every Sunday, and was part of the community.

I would love to speak to her now, about feminism and love and gender and sexuality and family. There's so much we didn't know back then, so much I want her insight into.

When I heard the Hamilton soundtrack, all I could think about was about her. And how much she would've loved it.

I want to have the opportunity to hear her rave about things like Lin Manuel Miranda, or Doctor Who, or Good Omens.

I'm glad Rose got to meet my (now) husband, and that she liked him is an endorsement like very few I can think of.

I wonder where she would be living now (I think Ireland or England, studying for her third master and singing in pubs some nights).

I know she would have finally found someone who saw her for who she was, and loved her for it. Perhaps a few whirlwind romances before that.

I wonder if she would've even wanted to have kids.

When Rose died, it was a shock, because no one saw it coming (both her parents are doctors, and the aneurysm was never diagnosed, she never had any syntoms before. And by the time she was rushed into the hospital, it was too late).

Afterwards, slowly but surely, all of her friends and family finished high school, then university. Some of us got married, some got kids. Some moved to other countries.

The year she died, I was out of the country, doing one of those work and travel programs, that encompass our summer (December through March), in WDW. It was something she had actually suggested, that she wanted to do, but last minutes backed out (I never knew why). I was far away from home, working 13-hour shifts (the holidays in the resort are madness). And after her death, a friend suggested some of us took the days off from two weeks, put them together, and take a 4-days trip to NYC. I didn't really have the money to do it, but said yes anyways because Rose wanted to attend Juilliard (childhood dreams), and so we said we were going to visit her in her break (more childhood dreaming). So I ended up eating rice and crackers for a few weeks in order to pay for travel and lodging, but it was so worth it. Everything there reminded me of her, of what she dreamed of doing, of becoming.

I miss her so much, and as I go through life and hit new "milestones", I wonder what she would be doing right now.

Yesterday some close friends and her family gathered (socially distant, and out in the open air) in our old high school. It's a place of 400 square meters, most of which are various sports' fields, and a small forest. It was a place she felt was home, and since the moment she said she wanted to become an English teacher, a spot was there waiting for her to finish her studies.

Anyways, there in the small forest, around the fallen walnut tree, people who loved her, and miss her, gathered, to remember her smiles and jokes and songs.

Her mother read a poem Rose wrote, and her sister sang the solo in "Seasons of Love".

It was lovely, and sad, and had her in every moment.

She is loved, and missed so so much.

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hey I've just been having a really shitty time lately; with the pandemic I've been stuck at home with my family, and things are slowly sliding from bad to worse. I'm 17, going to college this fall, and stressed out of my mind. My parents called me lazy and pressured me into getting a job in the middle of a pandemic, but because it's only part-time suddenly even that's not enough and they want more. (1/?)

(2/?) I work more than my dad does. He works maybe 1-2 days a week...I work 4. Every week. My mom's offering to send him back to college bc "we can afford it" while simultaneously telling me "there's only so much we can do for you" and "you'll spend your whole life in debt." I'm 17. I make minimum wage. My dad's 50 with a nursing degree. I'm already stressed, mentally-ill, and struggling, and they just want more. I'll never be enough for them.

(3/?) Not to mention being at home has only fucked this relationship up more. My dad used to physically abuse me when I was younger, but now that I'm a lot older and stronger than he is my mom's suddenly concerned about domestic violence because my father "can't afford to go to jail," and I've been yelled at more than once when we got into a fight over that. The other day, she screamed at me for even daring to imply they had abused me in the past. I'm so angry and tired.

(4/?) They keep saying they can't understand why I could possibly be upset or angry about anything. They tell me I'm making shit up, or putting words in their mouth, or "making the choice to focus on the negative." I KNOW they did shit to me. I KNOW they hurt me, and keep hurting me. But because they make money and I have stuff, apparently that means it's not possible; my life must be perfect. I don't know what to do.

(5/5) I want to run away; I even want to kill myself, I just want to get out. But I don't know how. I feel stupid and awful, like a burden and a failure just watching my mental health go down again. I was doing good! I thought things were better! But they're not, and I feel like I'm back here all over again.

Hi Anon,

I’ll be honest, your parents sound terrible.  But you are not trapped.  

First, check with your college and find out if they require freshman to live on campus their first year.  If not, getting an apartment with some other students could save you a lot of money.  Save everything you’re making at your job, and use it either toward paying down your college fees or putting a deposit down on an apartment.  If you can’t hold out until the school-year starts, some apartments offer one-month leases that you can do for just 1-2 months until the dorms open up.

Next, (or simultaneously) start applying for grants and scholarships, and here’s a place to start: https://studentaid.gov/understand-aid/types/scholarships.  These can help with costs as well.  Each one requires a different application, but check with your college about this too, because some schools have a streamlined scholarship application process.  By filling out one large application through your college, they might be able to help you apply for lots of others.

Some financial aid, like FAFSA, doesn’t work unless your parents are completely absent from your life, or dead, or they sign a form saying they refuse to help you.  Sounds like your parents wouldn’t even do that much for you, but there are still other options, and you can talk to your college counselors and advisors about those.

Colleges also often have an orientation week or couple days at the start where they introduce you to older students whose actual job it is to help you navigate things for a bit.  There are also work-study programs for students to make a little money by working a job on campus to offset expenses.  It reduces travel costs to and from a job and they work with your class schedules.

Your parents are gaslighting you.  If at all possible, cut ties.  At the very least, reduce contact a little.  The thing about parents (or any shit family member) is, if you’re never going to be enough for them, it’s kind of good news, because it means you can stop trying to meet any of their expectations.  You don’t have to argue about things they will never understand or admit to.  You can just let them be wrong and live your life.  Be free.

They think they can bully you into providing for them, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  They don’t deserve your help.  If you decide to help them later anyway, it’s your choice.  

Once you’re at school and things are a little sorted, seriously consider talking to the counselors or a therapist about your parents abusive behavior and your relationship with them.  Try to get in 1 or 2 sessions before the holidays.  Your parents will probably expect you home over breaks and therapy can help you prepare to either approach them differently while you’re home, or how to stay strong when you tell them you aren’t coming back.  

If you’re going into debt for college, that means they aren’t paying for it, right?  So, they don’t get to tell you what to do anymore once you’re out of there.  You decide what you’re okay with and what you’re not.  

Look at me- look me right in the eyes through this screen- are you looking?

You’ve got this.

-Miss Fay