#but i'm so tired my brain is empty
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#oh i like this one#i like this one a lot#wasn't planning on using this layout#but i end up liking it#i wish i was creative enough to write a nice description for this one#but i'm so tired my brain is empty#connor detroit become human#detroit become human connor#connor rk800#dbh connor#detroit become human#dbh#dbh rk800#detroit rk800#rk800#machine connor#detroit: become human#connor dbh#dbh screenshots
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her face body language and general demeanor in this scene make me feel such intensely sapphic emotions i want to bite off my own hand about it
#this scene lives in my brain RENT! FREE!#'nothing ever changes or gets better and i'm tired' name a sentence that summarizes her more succinctly i'll wait#the cigarette. her unfiltered disdain for hughie. the whole 'how /dare/ you ask more of me' of it all i'm gonna pass out#queen maeve#the boys#i love you maeve being incredibly rude and antagonistic to people for zero apparent reason. i love you maeve pulling no punches#this woman has done nothing wrong ever in her entire life your honor#the empty cig pack and the pill bottle on the table... the mood is so potent and it's mentally ill#i'm normal about her why do you ask
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bleh
#blabbering#rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold#i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me#basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it#which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl#(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin#might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors™ for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out#and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depresso™).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no#No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon#(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options#watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)
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doyou ever think about shadowrot and how they like
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#GAGGGEDDDDDD#yay omg yay:)#guys i am going to die#oct 27 2024#no cosnlike. in dreams or whatever WHATEVER#sick to my stomach i've literally been hallucinating delusional etc#u don't understand i'm going to die#LIKE FAVORITE PERSON EVER SORRY#the way i cross my sevens and z's and don't leave a space for the smiley face :|#hope she never knows how obsessedddd :)#oct 28 2024#:| idk it's the only thing keeping me going but also i survived six months#oct 29 2024#giggling twirling my hair kicking my heels looking at my phone get a grip...#. no bc my brain#i am having a terrible day but i love her#being delusional works!#i am SO EXCITED lutkkenekenfksnfn i am so excited i've missed her so much#actually soooo sick and twisted the way my irl ummm what do you call... emotional support older white women are actually the best huggers in#the world like it's not my fault#lik i don't i don't i do not i donut even care !#no thoughts head empty#stoppp cos like building it up in my head based on the past etc etc ...... but it always lives up 2 it & more!#oct 30 2024#cointinuing to be insane 🙏#idk there is something so tender ............#waaaah ok waaaaaaaaaaah i cant#just want to go HOME#want to swim in prelude 4ever#girl who is so so tired and just wants it to be 7:30 east
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#trying to finish a thesis chapter this week#so the next few days really is going to be. Step 1: burn my brain out writing silly academia during the day#Step 2: burn my brain out writing silly fic in the evenings#Step 3: wonder why i'm head empty and tired lmao
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I can't wait for the whole "having a regular sleep schedule" thing to work
#gotta be up for 6am to drive an hour for my Dolly Parton 9-5 and then drive another hour to get home by 6#then i stare at the wall while my last remaining braincell bounces around my empty brain pan until it's time to go to bed#get up and do it again (one more day 😭)#I'm so so tired man#and it's only orientation week i don't have Tasks™ until Monday 😩
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i usually can't do listening parties for some reason but the qt stream is the only thing that can make me excited for the taylor swift album through my anemic fatigue
#like my brain is just so empty i'm so tired all the time#i am feeling better than i was though since i started taking supplements + not drinking caffeine + consuming lots of orange juice
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You ever get so bored you wanna start chewing your skin off
#theres NOTHING TO DO my head is EMPTY my brain is TIRED all activities are UNAPPEALING and youtube is giving me NOTHING#so naturally I'm complaining on the internet about it#maybe I'll go pace in circles like an understimulated zoo animal#i make that comparison but i have to have pacing time daily or I become evil. its good for me
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Song of the Day: January 2
"It's Not All About You" by Lawrence
#song of the day#this one really ought not to be on the playlist--it's not the only Lawrence song I like it's just the only one I have on my computer#the first Lawrence song I ever heard is still my favorite--Don't Lose Sight--and I think the only reason I didn't have it already#is that there's two versions and I like them both and I think I was trying to decide which to get? a dumb dilemma. I just got them both#I didn't actually listen to them today though. I am determined to get through this playlist#anyway 'It's Not All About You' is definitely a singing song. big and brassy in a very fun way#I'm still too tired and brain-numb to write which is honestly starting to fret me a little bit but between that and the empty house#I am getting /so much cleaning done/#this is a great song for cleaning. sounds excellent from the other room as I roam around trying to find all the dirty cups Nick's hidden
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According to my mood tracking app, the longest I have gone without writing since I started up again in Jan 2021 was ten days in a row, which was when I was in GA for xmas during the last two weeks of Dec 2021...
The overall effect on my mood when including the writing activity is pretty high, in a positive way, based on the data.
All of that to say that my current depressive slump as a result of facing the fact that I may have finally hit a hard wall of burn out, after two years of intense output?
...well, it makes sense lol.
#thoughts#personal#depression#mental health#i desperately need a break i know i do my brain is spinning out ans having difficulty even starting on concepts/stories#but also... writing is the center tower of my support structure it's what I do to unwind and make myself happy#i anticipated some amount of this uhh feeling gutted and empty after break up au was over#but i didn't anticipate this fucking weird limbo inbtw of being burnt out and unable to write but ALSO unable to find joy in other things??#my brain doesn't want to read it doesn't want to play video games or do art or pursue a different hobby#it's not latching onto any non pirate things despite me pspspssing ans throwing other content in front of it#like I'm TRYING#with 1899 with Sunder with Disco Elysium etc#it feels like shit frankly#and also a lot of the pirate ppl i started this journey with have also gotten tired or moved on completely#i just am absolutely CONFOUNDED that my brain is finding zero joy in even rotisserie chickening pirate stuff#who am i?#god i hope it's just a little slump and I snap out of it#cuz i am thrashing like a fish in a net trying to figure out how to make ny brain happy#what's the magic formula#and the brain fog is still here so like i would LOVE more distraction from IRL shit#i can use my friends to produce joy to some extent right now but it's limited#bc im also Still Tired so doing the Jay Thing of trying to fill needs and thus feel useful has a hard limit#reminds myself im not just an endless battery#anyway im desperately trying to find heathy coping and not ooze all over everybody but it's fucking hard#venting#i find it hard to talk to my therapist about this which maybe means i need a new one#just another Thing to do
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My vacation is coming up and I need this so bad
#I'm so tired#I'm burnt out in like 5 ways#My brain is clogged and empty at the same time#I need to finish that therapy paperwork lmao
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Another reason not to let your cats free roam
TW: Animal injury (but hopefully the cat will be okay)
Well, I just had to rescue one of my neighbors' cats from dangling from a fence by her back leg :/ I don't know how long she had been stuck there, but hopefully not too long, and she's with her owners now so will be getting checked by a vet.
She was lucky that I seem to have an ear for crying cats, though, because no one else was out looking for her, not even the people in the houses on either side of the fence she was stuck in. I fear what would have happened if I wasn't one to go looking and she was stuck there until who knows when.
Just remember this when you let your cats free roam - it is very easy for them to get injured and for no one to find them until it's too late. So please don't let them if you can.
#I normally wouldn't blog about events in my day#but today has not been a good day mood wise#(unfortunately that is nothing new for me)#and now I'm feeling weird because I know I should be happy I saved a cat but I just feel anxious and empty#Like I'm more worried I injured her worse when I tried to lift her up#and I can't stop thinking about how I didn't grab her properly and how I'm lucky she let me carry her home without wiggling too much#because I am weak and my arms tire quickly so I was worried I was going to drop her the entire time#and the only reason I didn't get scratched up was because she is a very nice cat who lets people pick her up#and because I was able to borrow a towel from a neighbor that I could drape over my arm as I scooped her off the fence#and she let me use it as a platform under her instead of twisting abound and trying to latch onto me#and basically I hope if I write this down and someone tells me I did a good job or something it will trigger in my brain#and I will actually feel I did a good thing
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girl help I am recognizing the pattern
#fuck getting older you learn to recognize your brains own bs#sucks when the solution isnt just 'take a shower' (though it did help)#i need to go back to therapy I am so self critical and aware to the point it is paralyzing#'am I seeking these sensations as a form of self harm' NO!!!!! MAYBE!!!!!#i don't KNOW this is STUPID#anyway I gauged my ears and have been eating spicy food to feel alive and I am slipping ever further into this depression despite it all#i'm not sad i just don't feel anything. i want to be sad. that would be /something/.#i'm empty and scared and tired and I want to just.#sleep#HOW YOU SPEND YOUR DAY IS HOW YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE#AUGH#AUGHH#AAAAAUUUGHHHH#<- bearer of the sickness#I hope they weigh the stuff they cut out of me. I want weight and length like they do a newborn#have the surgeons take a pic of it like a tinder fishing profile pic#ideally i want it preserved in a jar so I can keep it on my desk#but sadly. it will go to the labs for biopsies. and then be incinerated.#kinda cunt. kind of metal. i can live with that#why are you reading this it's my DIARY. LEAVE
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How fucked am I if I'm actually happy to feel horrible? It feels so refreshing after having every emotion numbed down. I love this feeling of "today felt nice, something unthinkably bad will happen soon", and this overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I love being able to name them!!!
I'm used to this feeling of impending doom to the point where I just sort of accept it, but today it felt different. So powerful. Made my heart go faster. Made me feel so helpless. Made me feel alive!
And I did not even need meds to feel it!
Am I healing? Am I finally healing?
It's such a relief, to feel this way again.
I'm glad. I'm happy. I feel something I can name. I feel so many things I can name. Today was so... Productive! Even though I have not created anything, other than pleasant memories!
I thought it would be a disaster. I thought I've lost myself even further today. But no.
I'm coming back.
Wait for me, my younger self.
I will pull you back up.
We will stand here, soon, arm by arm, side by side.
We will be one again.
Today, I have found you.
But one day, together, we will reach the me.
#slowly regaining my personality#i feel excited!!! for myself!!!!!#i'm so tired of not having a single thought#of living like an empty shell#a vessel that used to be inhabited by an actual person#i used to enjoy acting but my brain is not really that capable of understanding other people and social cues so my acting abilities sorta#sorta died somewhere along the way? i remember the thoughts circling my consciousness so fast i was unable to catch a single one#which resulted in me canceling them all out in a way because there were just too many#did not improve on that one yet but i believe actually being able to tell how i feel aside from “good” or “bad” is a big-ass step#might be just an one-off and probably is but being idiotically optimistic can be uplifting sometimes eheheh
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:/
#too many men have NO shame NO haya NO respect vallahi. it almost gets me worked up#this one guy sat next to me ON PURPOSE. the seat next to his FRIEND was empty. then along the way several more got empty#he stayed sat next to me and i'm not dumb i knew it was on purpose#then minutes before his stop he starts talking to me 'is everything well?' i dont know u and wtf do you mean#he asked several times i said yeah very weirded out#then he goes where u from are you german. then he gestures to his head saying very good meaning me wearing hijab#VOMITTTTTT WHO ARE U EW EW EW#i got so icked out cuz the audacity????? how you commenting on that?????????#i hate that it when it has to be said cuz it should be COMMON sense not to act this way not to make stranger women uncomfortable#but you like imagine someone doing this to your sister???? the fact it has to be said#the fact men dont have this common sense in their brains and only (sometimes) clock it with comparisons to their mums or sisters#before getting off he stretched out his hand to me to shake it AUUGHHHH???? NOW WE DONT KNOW THAT'S HARAM?????#had to say no two times cuz he insisted like you fr frrrrrr have to be stupid to ignore body language#cuz i was visibly weirded out. then he tapped me on my shoulder before getting off. shivers#you think it's very good when a woman wears hijab bit THEN sit right next to a non mahram woman when you couldve sat next to your friend#you look her directly in her eyes make comments about her covering (v inappropriate) THEN try shaking her hand#it's always the ones so so delusional about what theyve done wrong may Allah guide them for the sake of the women they give a hard time to#i rarely have encounters like this but i'm sure other sisters have it worse and they are TIRED#if any non muslim tries to analize this interaction to come to the conclusion that he was being normal and i'm overreacting#give it a rest xx#nesi rants
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