#but i'm full up with making xmas gifts atm so

[fidgetspringer-art]

The story

Here's a little summary of Martin and Noah's overall history together for those interested!

They meet when Martin finds the mangled wreck of a motorcycle on the side of a road. Black lines of rubber snaking along the asphalt behind it.

Figuring this is the world’s way of making Martin pay it forward after surviving his own accident, he helps Noah to the hospital where he sticks around for a bit and they get to know each other.

When Noah is discharged he’s left stranded with a wrecked bike and nowhere to go, so Martin offers him a room at his farm while his broken wrist heals and while he fixes his bike, in exchange for a helping hand around the farm. Noah accepts and the two of them hit if off a lot better than either of them could have expected.

They spend the first several years knowing each other in what is in a lot of ways a very domestic relationship, while it's also nothing like that at all.

Martin never leaves the homestead for longer than he has to. Only to resupply or to trade produce with a few of his nearest neighbours, who are the closest thing he has to friends.

Meanwhile, Noah comes and goes a lot like a stray cat.

Sometimes he's only gone for a few days, other times he's gone for months. Martin mourns his absence every time he leaves, but suddenly he'll turn up again and it'll be like he never left at all.

Sometimes Noah sticks around long enough that Martin starts to think he might actually stay for good this time. Until he gets the itch again and vanishes like it doesn't rip Martin apart every time.

Sometimes Noah comes home with a gift and a good story. Other times he comes back with a black eye and fresh scars, or hiding bruises that Martin only catches glimpses of in passing.

So while their relationship is very good in a lot of ways, it's flawed in just as many. They're not very good at talking about it. Noah is afraid of getting tied down and Martin is dealing with a lot of internalised homophobia that doesn't let him fully enjoy what they have without a lingering sense of guilt.

They argue a lot at first. Trying to drive each other away while desperately clinging on to what they have.

They're both very imperfect and very lonely people who find a lot of comfort in each other, even if what they have isn't ideal and even if they hurt each other along the way. They love each other like nothing else, but their individual trauma doesn't let them have a truly healthy relationship for a long time.

In the end they keep up this weird sort of orbit around each other for almost 7 years before they finally realise that they need to sort their shit out. Their happy ending is that they talk it through and settle down. Noah moves in permanently, and when he gets the itch to move he either takes a day trip on his own to get his wiggles out, or they take a break from the farm and roadtrip for however long feels right to them.

[justcahttingtothevoidcat]

Highs and Lows 

It was 17"c in Scotland today, in November, which is almost unthinkable. Tis Midnight on Friday 11th of Nov, which is Armistice day, the day remembers the ending of the Great War (World War 1) which ended on Thur 11th 1919 at 11am. The wee motto that went with it was "Never again" which lasted sooooo well.

It actually pisses me off that people still say it, like that bridge was crossed mere decades after the initial war, let's stop pretending otherwise. The red poppy is a symbol often worn, because the fields in France grew poppies as the land began its recovery. Some were white poppies as a symbol against war which I much prefer, not that I wear either now.

We are in the middle of a gale, it's not been too bad here actually but it's stronger the more exposed you are to the Atlantic so I am glad I'm not in the Hebrides atm. We had planned to go to Gran and Grandad's grave today but the weather made us decide against it, which is disappointing but grandad would have wanted us to be safe and we couldn't risk being stuck because of a tree downed with the cats at home.

Nursing staff across the countries in the UK have decided to strike for the first time ever (possible exception is N.Ireland who may have striked previously) Teaching staff look the next to strike, I am still hoping for a general strike to sort this mess of a Government out.

Did I tell you we had another new Prime minister? First person who is of Indian decent, he was born in Southhampton so he's 2nd Gen but really it doesn't matter except it's a first. Sadly the man is as incompetent as any of the other Tories he works with. Not that we got a vote as to who would be prime minister, full fascism that's what it is.

We are in the process of repacking the Halloween decs and bringing down Christmas ones, the Xmas decs really help to combat the misery of the darkening days and the mental exhaustion from the time change back an hour into GMT time. I love Christmas in a totally secular way. For me it's a celebration of light, of our favourite things, of nature of family and friends. I adore getting gifts for folk, I am not as much a fan of wrapping though, I used to be but it's so much harder now my back is so sore. We have a buffet of party food for Xmas dinner, when dad was still alive mum would make a roast chicken and do the more formal thing but I am not a huge fan of it. We used to have a roast every Saturday so it wasn't special and it was so formal it just wasn't me.

On Christmas Eve I get dressed up in something Xmas themed and do some nice makeup and mum and I drive about the area looking at the lights, listening to Christmas music and then we might get a takeaway or do party food nibbles. On Christmas Day we get up when we get up, have a cup of tea, sort the cats food and chill in our PJ's until we want to open the presents. Then we have another cup of tea, sort out the recycling from the rubbish and have breakfast. When we had Heather our Collie (border and Sheltie mix) we would take her a Christmas walk but now we tend to stay settled and watch a film or read or whatever. Then for tea we have our buffet and we just enjoy each others company.

Hogmanay, I used to go out with friends, actually I used to meet my best friend (for many years, now not) on Christmas Eve as I lived too far away to see them on Xmas Day which was the thing folk would do when I was a teen particularly, all meet up on Xmas day, but I could never join in and felt awfully left out. So we started that tradition on Xmas eve where we would swap gifts and head to the pub. Mum would have to pick me up because transport stopped at 6pm initially then later 10pm.

Hogmanay we used to meet and go out with a group of friends to wherever and after dad died, I would ask mum to meet me just after the bells and go home early with her because I didn't want her to be on her own into the New Year. Now I've lost most of my friends so I don't have the opportunity because of disability and higher standards for behaviour, it's awfully hard to make good friends as an adult, particularly as a disabled one. Though to be honest I had been scunnered with the drinking culture years ago so I would prefer to be home with mum anyway.

Mum and I stay up to the bells, calm the cats down from the inevitable fireworks and then open a door to let the old year out and the new year in. We never had first footers, we lived so far away from my parents friends and we don't have any close neighbours as such. We were never physically close to my grandparents either.

Although we did tend to go see my Granny Coulter on Boxing Day which is December the 26th, I remember one year there was a wicked storm, trees falling all around us as we drove back home from Dundee where Granny still lived, it's 100 miles exactly from where she lived to us, and that night when we got home the windows in our living room which are huge 6ft by 9ft were shaking so hard it was quite scary.

I've been a bit battered physically recently, first with my shoulder blade being injured and painful, my knee clunked sometime last week and has been swollen and sore since. My back still is a problem, still haven't heard form the Dr, I'm thinking maybe next week I should hear from him, if not I may send another email to remind him I would like my MRI results back, I so hope there is something that shows why my upper back has been in agony since 2018 and why it hasn't healed and that its something that can be fixed easily.

Still apart from the first day of my shoulder blade injury, when I couldn't dress myself without help, it hasn't dampened my mood too much. I think the trick is really just to live in the moment, not to worry about the future and not to mope about the things that I have missed out on or been unable to complete. Although I do on occasion ruminate, but when I see how much of my Youth has been robbed either by mental illness or physical illness I just feel so angry and frustrated It really doesn't help.

I am where I am and I ain't where I ain't.

I quite pride myself on still being of a rather sunny disposition, although I am tired a lot more often. Disability has stolen a lot but it hasn't taken my good nature.

Midnight is watching me, I wonder if he is thinking "go to bed Freyja, I want to relax in peace". I had best end this here then, I am sure you will hear from me soon, yelling my thoughts and stories into the void for your amusement.