#but i'm also so devastated to let new plans end. it truly has made me so happy to meet you all through this story

[iluvmatt]

chapter ten, boyfriend, girlfriend? taglist: @taking-a-footnote-in-your-life​, @lostwonderwall​, @lomlolivia​, ​@sturniolomads, @kylespencersvocalcords, @stxrniqlo, @sophialimass, @loonielol, @siriusfahey, @getbillzoned, @kjd55, @ceceswriting​, @dancingintheedark​, @yoongoboongo, reach out to be added :-)

new plans, matt sturniolo smau synopsis: coming home for the holidays has its perks; you get to see your childhood best friends again, you get to spend the holidays with the people you’ve always loved, and the list goes on. of course, it also had its cons— you have to face your best friend, matt, the one that you’re madly in love with and have been in love with since you were merely thirteen. little do you know, though, that he’s dealing with the same mixed emotions of you and the holidays; biting his nails as he waits for you to knock on his front door.

previous ♡ end. | m.list © iluvmatt, 2022.

[animentality]

I love Baldur's Gate and the Dark Urge and all -

And the idea of the Dark Urge redeeming themselves after a lifetime of horror by literally choosing to die and go to purgatory forever is really amazing. In fact, it's why I'm so dedicated to the Dark Urge as a character.

The idea of a villain losing their memory, becoming a hero, and then realizing that they need to die not just once, but twice to truly DESERVE their redemption is honestly brilliant.

But.

But.

Withers revives you way too fucking fast.

You literally die...and then Withers instantly brings you back.

In fact, it takes him fucking longer to revive your COMPANIONS than you, and your companions dying and being revived at camp aren't even part of the story, it's just you fucking something up and not wanting to waste a revive scroll.

Withers bringing you back instantly comes across as like, oh, so dying for your morals, being a true hero in the end, a martyr, defeating the villain, which is you...it's totally negated.

You died for about twenty seconds.

I've known people who died for longer on the operating table.

Where is my lover crying and clutching my body?

Where are my friends, all looking devastated, because they're all gotten to know me and root for me and truly care about me after I've done ALL THIS for them???

So that they could be safe from me?

Where is the emotion?

He brings you back and then your companions have a single line that's essentially just, "good job buddy."

Karlach says something like, I'm proud of you and Wyll says I'll drink in your name or whatever.

And Astarion has a really obnoxious line about how this means you aren't going to attack him anymore...and it's like... okay.

Cool.

So you guys are totally unphased by the fact that you just watched me die...but I suppose death doesn't mean shit in this game, since you have Withers to constantly bring you back.

Cool.

So then what? Nothing matters?

It's just frustrating because I know it's the cut content curse. They had more planned for Orin and the Dark Urge and Bhaal...but it just feels so underwhelming.

I think BG3's primary flaw comes in the fact that they wanted to build this richly crafted narrative, while also accounting for player choice. And they did a magnificent job of adding SO MANY extra scenes and alternate interactions, to the point where I'm still finding new shit, after like 800 hours of playing...

But the tradeoff is that the character stories...fall really flat, because they want so desperately for a Tav to be the main character, and no one else.

The Dark Urge especially suffers from this, because they made them a murder hobo in one ending, and basically just a Tav in the other ending.

As soon as you are brought back by Withers, you might as well just be a Tav. It has no bearing on anything anymore.

And that's such a shame.

I just wish it had some weight. The Dark Urge has spent their entire life ending lives... it should be beautiful, that they would end their own life to atone...their last victim, would be themselves, as they always knew...but for different reasons-

oh wait, withers is here.

cool, i'm back, guys, let's go to arby's and celebrate.

i just think the game should legitimately make you think you died, at least until a long rest or two.

force the squad to go on without you, make someone else your fourth member.

THEN withers can come to you, maybe in some kind of new Jerrgal-form, so you know he's Jergal for sure, and then reveal he was secretly a retired god.

And honestly, that makes Withers a far more interesting character too. To give him this huge hero moment, and have him say, no, this will not stand. I know he HAS that moment, but it's so rushed.

Let the player breathe on it. Let them FREAK OUT. Can you imagine how much stir it would've created, if Dark Urge players LEGIT thought they were dead permanently?

That would've given their sacrifice real weight.

But Larian was scared, probably, of players being upset that their characters are dead, even though that kind of sacrifice is literally the most heroic thing you could do in the game, besides become a damn mindflayer.

So some sacrifice! You sacrificed ten seconds of your life, and your companions barely care.

Alright. Fine.

I'll just be over here writing your story for you!

[heretherebedork]

Not to dwell on the fanservice issues since I also cannot engage with that part of BL for similar reasons, but I am truly concerned that the industry still doesn't have a way for brand pairs to end without causing massive harm to the actors, both personally and professionally. Sometimes I think we've made massive strides in fanservice, but then I see all the massive brand pairs currently in existence and how companies have not figured out how to let these actors move beyond them. I'll try to avoid using specific names, but there are some HUGE brands at GMMTV right now that one day might want to branch beyond BL . And we have seen how the breakup of a certain GMMTV pair caused fan devastation, harassment of a new actor, and frankly something that isn't talked about enough - actors now have to contend with a loss in job stability and probably income. Sure, their personal fans and casual viewers (me) won't care - but I am not paying money to go to their fan meetings or brand events or their concerts, and those pair fans won't either. And companies seem to just be sticking their head in the sand and hoping they can recruit the next big thing before a pillar explodes.

Even in a less controversial moment, it was just announced that a pair is ending as one needs a health break. And, thank god he's getting one. But it's also insane that their careers are going to have to undergo fundamental changes and potentially job losses (aside from dealing with angry and heartbroken fans, of which I've seen many) because they might have new onscreen partners.

I can only think of a handful of examples (I'm specifically thinking Max and Tul but there are others I'm sure) where actors have been mostly able to end their specific brand partnership (or move to other projects) without imploding the BL universe. But in those cases, I never get the impression it's because the company has a well thought out safety plan that they've discussed with the actors to minimize the impact on their careers and move them in a new direction. It seems like the lucky few have great working relationships with their co-stars and are basically able to leverage either their personal friendship or stellar working relationship to put the brand pair out to pasture with very gentle hands.

There's other issues about fanservice that really grinds my gears, but in light of the fact I believe some pairs will be ending soon, this has really made me extra angry. It feels like company negligence is going to stab some of these actors in the back when they feel like it's time to fly the nest. And fans are enabling their poor behavior.

This is all a very valid worry and one that I definitely share. Fan's response to actor pairs breaking is extreme and the ones who are really dating are even worse. I think of MewGulf every single time and the vitriolic response that people had to them and it's just... so scary, honestly.

I still see people on the some of these shorts and posts lamenting an actor pair that did one show together and never planned on doing another and people expressing how heartbreaking it is that they're not still together and just... yeah.

And having no plan for ending these pairings and their careers after does absolutely trap these actors in a portion of their career until or unless they're willing to give it all up in order to move on to something new. Which is not how it should be! Fanservice is meant to be fun and compliment to the shows, a fiction for the viewers that they enjoy, not the end all be all of an actor's career.

And there are just... there are so many actors that, right now, if they announced that they weren't dating... they would be destroyed. Utterly. Completely and totally and people would be rending their clothing and screaming about true love and it just scares me.

Fanservice has a place but I think there has to a pull back on them.

I, admittedly, don't know much about pairs that have moved apart in the longterm but I've seen people still mad about short term ones and making up longform fictional excuses for them not being able to work together but still being in love and it's just... it's wild. It's scary. They are actors! Acting! I promise!

I don't trust anything until or unless they're not working together anymore. They have to not be working on any shows together before I'll believe anything because look at what the shipping gets them. The dedicated fans, the hugely defensive fanbase, people so loyal that they will look for any sign they're in love and buy every single fanmeeting ticket, music event ticket or piece of merch based on their relationship.

Truly wild.

[beingparker]

2024- The Emancipation of Parker

2024 was the best year of my life. I truly love the man I am and the one I continue to grow into. It feels surreal to sit here and reflect on the past five years. So much has shifted in my life, inside and out, that sometimes I can hardly recognize the person I was when I started this journey. I guess that’s a good thing, though. Change is inevitable, and growth isn’t always pretty, but it’s always necessary... And if I’ve learned anything over the past few years, it’s that life has a way of challenging you until you become something more than you thought you could be.

At the end of 2018, I was blindsided. After well over two years, my relationship with P—someone I had genuinely believed was "the one"—came to an abrupt and painful end. "Abrupt" is an understatement. P comes from a wealthy family in India, and it turns out he had been hiding a massive part of his life from me: a plan for an arranged marriage that had been secretly in the works by his parents for years. He didn't want to do it, but it turns out his family ties and expectations ran much deeper than our relationship. Blood is thicker than water, as they say.

We spent over two years of our lives together. To say those two years were perfect would be an utter lie. Our time together was tumultuous, a rollercoaster. He was habitually unfaithful and I was also battling some of my own demons personally. Yet, together we remained, trust issues and all (many of which I'm still learning to untangle). Through it all we built a foundation of a life together. We practically lived together. He had his apartment in South End, I had mine in Uptown, but regardless of whose place we stayed at, we were always together. We saw parts of the world together. We looked at homes together. We had hard conversations about the future (he was 33 and well into his banking career, while I was just turning 26 and just beginning to find my path). And in the blink of an eye, that future we were building together vanished. After the night it ended, suddenly we never saw each other again.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. The truth was, I was furious, heartbroken, and completely disoriented. I was left in the rubble of it, and I had no idea how to rebuild. To even put one foot in front of the other in the face of that pain was a monumental task. It was an overnight change that had me packing my bags and essentially being abandoned by the one I loved the most so he could willingly go be with someone else and live a lie.

But in that heartbreak, I made a choice. I wasn’t going to wallow in despair; I wasn’t going to let this define me. I was going to use it as fuel to propel me forward, even though I had no idea where "forward" was or what that even meant. So, I threw myself into my studies, focused on my goals with a single-minded intensity, and shut out the noise of my emotions. Truly, I became reclusive.

Madrid became my escape, my dream. I knew of a 6 month work/study program that I could pursue and potentially extend and make into a more permanent move. That's what I wanted. I'd lived in Seville for 6 months in 2016 and felt like Spain was my second home, so at this point I hyper-focused on my eligibility for the Madrid program. I worked hard for that dream, juggling academics to maintain a perfect GPA, while also juggling personal demons and sacrificing any and every semblance of a social life... trying to ignore the lingering ache of betrayal and rejection.

I thought if I worked hard enough, if I proved my worth, I could outrun the pain. And, for a while, I did. The pandemic, however, had other plans. I landed in Madrid, ready to embrace this new life, this new chapter that I had sacrificed so much for. Hell, I left my job in Charlotte, ended my lease at my apartment Uptown, and packed up everything into a small storage unit to buy a one-way ticket to Madrid. But just five days in, everything came crashing down due to COVID. The world shut down. My internship evaporated. The future I had built in my mind—gone. And I was forced to return home. To my hometown. At the age of 28.

I can’t describe the humiliation and hopelessness I felt when I walked back through that door, having failed at the one thing that I had put all my eggs into. But I carried on. After all, this was only supposed to be a temporary, brief setback. Two weeks of quarantine and then surely I'd hop back onto a flight to Madrid. But it turned into years of disillusionment, confusion, and depression. I bounced around doing any job remotely related to my industry of choice, trying to keep my head above water while also ignoring the years of trauma I had yet to deal with. I didn’t know how to pick myself up.

At this point I was obviously single. It had been years that I'd shut the world out trying to heal my own wounds while also focusing on doing what I needed to do to move to Spain. I was alone. And worse, I was angry at myself for letting my life fall apart. I became someone I didn’t recognize—stagnant, self-loathing, and stuck in a cycle of self-pity.

However, somewhere, in the depths of my despair, I began to heal. It wasn’t a dramatic moment of clarity, but more like a slow, steady burn. It wasn’t the result of one single decision; it was the culmination of many small choices, each one a tiny step toward reclaiming my life. The first step? I finally prioritized my health and well-being again.

In 2023, something clicked. I started working on my physical health, getting back into the gym, and paying attention to what I put into my body. I started focusing on the small things that brought me joy, no matter how insignificant they seemed at the time. I began to feel like me again—alive, present, and slowly rediscovering the person I once was before heartbreak had knocked the wind out of me. But it wasn’t just about fitness. It was about opening myself back up to life. Saying "yes" more. Taking risks.

In comes 2024. I felt whole again. I even traveled, seeing new places, meeting new people. It felt like a rebirth. My heart, which had been closed off for so long, was slowly opening again. I began to let myself feel things. I started to let myself want things—not just the career I thought I should want or the relationship I thought I was supposed to have, but what I truly wanted. I've even recently began to dip my toe into dating again. It's not always easy or fun, and sometimes it can be chaotic and confusing, but hell, I'm down for it.

For the first time in years, I dared to believe that maybe love was possible again. Not just love from others, but the love I was learning to give myself. For years, I had been stuck in the mindset that I wasn’t enough—that my worth was tied to external validation or achievements. But now, I’m realizing that my value is intrinsic. I am enough, just as I am.

I know this road isn’t over. The journey of healing is ongoing, and I know I’ll face more challenges in the future. But for the first time in a long time, I have a sense of peace with who I am and where I am in life.

Looking back, I’m proud of myself. I weathered storms I never thought I could. I survived heartbreak that nearly broke me. I endured a pandemic and the disappointment of shattered plans. And in the end, I came out stronger, wiser, and more open to whatever life has in store.

I’ve learned that resilience isn’t about avoiding the hard times—it’s about learning how to rise from them. It’s about trusting that, like a cat, I’ll always land on my feet. No matter how many times life knocks me down, I know I have the strength to rise again.

So, as I look forward to the future, I do so with a sense of optimism. I’m ready for whatever comes next. Maybe love will find me again. Maybe it won’t. But either way, I’ll be okay. Because I’ve learned that the most important relationship I’ll ever have is the one with myself. And that’s a relationship that, no matter what, will always be worth investing in.

Here’s to 2025!

xx PL

[magicshopaholic]

Baby, It's Cold Outside (Taehyung x OC)

Summary: Something's up with Taehyung. Despite her best efforts, Dilara can't help but be curious.

Pairing: Taehyung x OC

Genre: Angst and something else

Word count: 6.5 K

Rating: 18+

Warnings: language, themes, mentions of heartbreak, infidelity, online hate

A/N: It's cold, and writing this made me feel just a little warmer. I wasn't planning on releasing this so soon but it's the end of the year and I'm feeling a lot of gratitude in general, including for my readers - so this one's for you lot. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas and a wonderful New Year :)

This fic begins a couple of days after The Reason.

Tagging: @bbl32 @quarter-life-crisis2 @meirkive @dreaming-with-happiness @kflixnet (drop a message if you want to be added)

Listen to: "ocean eyes" by billie eilish

taehyung masterlist | main masterlist

The subtle shift after Dilara’s confession is… well, subtle. She doesn’t notice it at first, mostly because Taehyung continues to keep his distance from her like she’d asked. She can’t tell if he’s told the others anything because they don’t act any differently around her. No, the change is in Dilara, in her behaviour. It doesn’t become clear to her until she hears him laugh one day in the kitchen and her heart skips a beat, and she realises that she’s stopped leaving the room the moment he comes in.

I don’t hate you. It’s not a huge insight, to be honest. If she’d hated him, truly hated him, she would’ve made sure he wouldn’t have the nerve to approach her at all, let alone stand all hauntingly and sexily right behind her as he murmured an apology in that deep, raspy voice that makes her feel some kind of way. It did look like news to him, if the confused look on his face was any indication. She remembers what Namjoon said: He was devastated about your break-up, of course, but seeing you so broken up about it changed everything. 

Thinking about it doesn’t help, though. His apology is just that - an apology. She still doesn’t know how he feels about him or how he feels about her, irrespective of what Jimin and Namjoon might say. She doesn’t know if she forgives him and she definitely doesn't know what she wants after that. Dilara becomes increasingly aware of the fact that this PR activity is only until Japan, which is another month away. After that, he goes back to his life and she goes back to hers, and they only interact in the limited capacity of Red Bull driver and Red Bull ambassador. She tries not to think of it as a deadline.

Nurburgring is as cold as ever. It’s also as small as every other European town they’ve lived in so far, so it isn’t surprising that even though the house they’ve got has a gigantic backyard with a lake beyond it, all eight of them stay huddled inside, constantly cradling a mug of something hot in their hands. Therefore, it’s to her surprise when she comes out of her room after a hot shower to see nearly all the guys huddled in the kitchen, surreptitiously peering out the window.

Dilara frowns as she sidles up behind Jungkook, who immediately steps aside to give her space. She spots him immediately, of course; Kim Taehyung, looking like a painting even in slippers and joggers, sitting in the grass, face unreadable from the distance as he stares out at the frozen lake.

“Is that -” But as usual, Dilara can’t say his name. “What is he doing out there? He’ll get hypothermia.” She looks up at Jungkook, practically demanding an answer.

“Um…” He looks conflicted, looking to the older members as though asking for permission. 

“Of course you can tell her,” says Jimin in an uncharacteristically low voice, continuing to look outside in worry.

Namjoon sighs. “His, uh, his sister graduated high school and - and he didn’t know,” he explains. “Then he called home and… well, I don’t know what happened after that.” He gestures to Taehyung outside. “He didn’t say anything. He’s been sitting out there ever since.”

This can’t be good. Even without knowing the whole story, Dilara feels her heart crack just a little bit. All through their short-lived relationship, he’d never really spoken much about his siblings. His parents, yes. His grandparents, a lot, with affection and sadness all put together. But the few times that he’d brought up his brother and sister at all, it mostly revolved around ancient childhood memories, pre-debut, because those were the only ones he said he had. When she’d once asked him what their relationship was like now, he’d taken a long time to answer before simply saying “Not much” and proceeding to shut down for the rest of the day.

Dilara had drawn basic conclusions of her own, resisting the urge to ask any of the others, but she’d never brought it up with him again. Now she remembers why. It’s familiar, this sort of worry spreading through her. 

“Is he…” No, he’s not. Of course he’s not okay. She bites her lip and tries again. “Does he want to be left alone?”

A little distance away, Yoongi scoffs, not unkindly. “Not by you,” he says, too knowingly for her liking.

The next thing she knows, she’s walking across the backyard, clenching her fists in the cold. There’s no wind, thankfully, but she can see her breath when she exhales, pearly white, as she approaches the lone figure. She stops a few feet away from him.

Taehyung doesn’t even look up. “Jeoligayo, Jimin-ah,” he snaps, and she flinches. She forces herself to stay, though.

“Wrong alcoholic,” she says steadily, keeping her eyes trained on him as his head snaps up to look at her in shock.

“What are you -” He swallows, pushing his thick black glasses up his nose. “Why are you here?”

Dilara shrugs. “No reason. Can I sit?”

His eyes narrow. “I don’t need your pity,” he mutters flatly.

She frowns. “I’m not pitying you. I’m not even sure what’s wrong with you.”

“Oh, sure,” he scoffs, rolling his eyes and looking back at the lake. “You just happen to want to sit with me right now after avoiding me for weeks.”

Dilara huffs and rolls her eyes, even as hope bubbles in her stomach. This bickering, snapping, the sarcasm - this Taehyung she knows how to handle. This is her Taehyung, she thinks, before she nearly blanches. When on earth did she start thinking of him as her anything?

“You’re still here,” he states.

“Well done. Now can I sit here or not?”

“No.”

She raises her eyebrows. “You really want me to leave? Because I’ll do it.”

He turns back up to look at her, face smoother and stonier than ever. “Fine. Do it. Go.” His voice cracks on the last word.

As Dilara watches him turn back around, she makes up her mind. She knows he isn’t going to budge, even if he feels differently. He’s stubborn, and he’ll sit here all night if it means keeping his pride, lashing out at everyone the more hurt he is. It was like living with the grinch. A mean, petty, heartbroken and very handsome grinch. It’s unfortunate but true, so she shifts to his right and, keeping a decent five foot distance between them, drops to the ground and folds her legs.

Taehyung turns to look at her incredulously. “Seriously? Why did you ask if you’re going to do what you want anyway?”

“You don’t own the backyard,” she reminds him. “I can sit where I want. Why don’t you leave?”

“Because I was here first.”

“Fine, then stay there. I’m all the way over here,” she points out, gesturing to the distance as if it were a trench and not a short distance from where she can still smell his cologne. “Just pretend I’m not here.”

He scoffs again but doesn’t say anything, folding his arms across his chest. The situation feels familiar, but also different. Taehyung and Dilara, suppressed sadness, misdirected anger, and patience. Endless patience. Her heart gives a feeble jolt when she realises this is Monza, where she knew she’d be missing an iconic race on the calendar, where she was injured, where Taehyung drove her, waited for her, fed her and sat through her endless bitching because he knew she was hurting.

She knows the circumstances aren’t exactly the same. She hasn’t cheated on him, she hasn’t hurt him. But no matter what he’s done to her, this… this situation with his siblings isn’t about them at all. Just like Monza wasn’t about them.

Bracing herself for another snappy reaction, she scoots over next to him so their shoulders brush. He doesn’t disappoint.

“What are you doing?” he asks, although this time she detects more surprise than annoyance.

“It’s freezing,” she tells him, exhaling shakily to prove her point, “and I need some bodily warmth.” She waits for him to disagree or make some sarcastic comment, but when he doesn’t, she leans back against the rock and they sit together awkwardly.

It’s still not enough, though. Dilara knows Taehyung, despite her best efforts at pretending otherwise. He’s been vulnerable with her before and she knows what he needs. She remembers a year ago, on her last day in California: a fight, followed by making up with hours of sex, a shower, and sleep. The entire time, he hadn’t let go of her once.

Even at night, when they’d barely exchanged two words, he’d held her close, forehead pressed to her hair, breath warm against her shoulder as they silently prepared to separate yet again. Skinship, it seemed, made him feel better, secure, loved.

Conversely, in Monza, she needed space. He’d given it to her, even though she’d seen his hand reach out for hers multiple times before he’d suddenly remembered that he couldn’t take those liberties anymore. She can, though. She doesn’t think she’s wrong, and right now her heart aches too much for him to not at least try.

So, before she can change her mind, Dilara reaches over and slips her hand into his, and drops her head onto his shoulder. The moment her fingers touch the back of his hand, though, he flinches. She realises her hands must be freezing; they always are, whereas his are always warmer than usual, like now. M-m, under the shirt, she remembers whispering to him more than once, feeling him grin silently against her skin, knowing he loved it when she asked.

“Sorry,” she mutters, going to release his hand but before she can, Taehyung’s fingers tighten and he gently tugs, resting their clasped hands on his lap. Her heart races, especially when he brings his left hand on his lap as well and covers the back of hers, warming it.

They haven’t been this close physically since he’d helped her walk in Monza. He feels warm, comforting; she has to resist the urge to turn her head and inhale his scent. The familiar lotion and cologne smells like a home she’s moved out of. She wonders if she should ask him what happened, but a part of her feels like it’s none of her business.

He’s letting you sit here, isn’t he? Even if Dilara assumes Jimin and Namjoon’s theory is correct, that he does still feel the same way about her, this isn’t a topic he’s super forthcoming about. Still, her mind goes back to how Jimin had said Jungkook could definitely tell her, or how Yoongi was sure Taehyung didn’t want to be left alone by her. But she also doesn’t want him to push her away again. For once, she’s able to think about him without letting her anger or hurt get in the way, and it feels too rare and precious to disturb. She considers asking him softly if he wants to talk about it when he speaks.

“She doesn’t want me to come.” Taehyung’s voice is hoarse and shaky. She gathers he’s talking about his sister, that she doesn’t want him to come to her graduation… Dilara wants to sigh, mostly because she has no idea what to say. From the limited information she has about this, she knows his siblings don’t have the best relationship with him, from harbouring resentment for being away, to having no room for him in their lives. 

He sniffles, and she feels lost, not knowing what to say or what comfort to offer. With her free hand, she grasps his arm and wraps her fingers around it, squeezing his lean bicep gently and rubbing her thumb on his sweater. Her heart hurts; she doesn’t like seeing him in pain. She never has. Even when they were together and he liked to be the one taking care of her, she started preferring it just because it was too hard the other way round. His bottom lip would quiver, his eyes would well up, the tip of his nose would go red and she’d be powerless to stop the pain.

They stay there for a while in the cold, sitting beside each other in the closest physical way in over half a year. Dilara’s mind drifts to their time in Japan; another cold weekend surrounded by the circus that was Formula 1 and BTS, while she and Taehyung shared their own private, intimate space, falling in love without even realising it. A cold breeze blows and she shivers.

“Are you cold?” Taehyung asks softly, turning his head slightly, probably to not disturb where hers is resting on his shoulder. 

Dilara lifts her head up, though, and takes her hand off his arm. “Um… no,” she lies, not wanting this to end.

“You have goosebumps,” he murmurs, turning their clasped hands around so hers is on top and pushing back her sleeve a few inches above her wrist, as if to show her proof. He’s right; as his long fingers brush her skin, the bumps become even more pronounced.

Quickly pulling her sleeve back down, Dilara turns their hands over and pushes his sleeve up. “You have goosebumps, too,” she points out, a bit more defensively than she intended. 

Taehyung chuckles quietly. “It’s not a competition.”

“Not a close one.” Her fingers touch something cold and when she moves her hands a bit, the dim moonlight brings a familiar ring into view, resting on his index finger. Her heart twists, and next to her, Taehyung stiffens. 

Dilara tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear and looks up at him. Their faces are incredibly close. “Will you be okay?” she asks softly.

Taehyung nods, eyes flickering with emotion. “Why did you -” He breaks off, looking away for a moment. “Thanks for… for this.”

She bites her lip. “You know this doesn’t change anything.” As she says it, she hears the disappointment in her own voice.

“I know,” he nods. “But thanks anyway.”

She nods slowly and, involuntarily, her gaze flickers to his mouth before she immediately brings it back up to look at him. He’s looking at her too meaningfully, with far too much tenderness and regret. Dilara’s aware that at least some of it is an aftereffect of an emotionally heavy evening with his family, but as their breaths condense in the air and mingle with each other, she finds she’s afraid to find out how much of it is for her.

This time, Taehyung’s eyes fall to her mouth before coming up to meet hers, a lot slower than she did. A strand of blond hair has escaped his cap and she imagines brushing it back, maybe lightly touching his face, tracing the contours of his cheekbones...

They’re about to kiss. She knows it. His eyes are half-lidded and his face is closer than it was a moment ago. Butterflies erupt in her stomach and she suddenly feels shy as his lips slowly approach hers… and she doesn’t back away.

They’re interrupted by footsteps, loud ones that jerk them out of their trance. She snaps up to see Jin and Jimin approaching them. “Gwaenchanayo?” Jin asks tentatively.

Suddenly realising they’re still holding hands, Dilara immediately lets go of Taehyung’s and stands up, brushing herself off. “Yeah, everything’s fine. He’s all yours,” she tells them before hurrying back inside.

---

Dilara doesn’t want to know what Taehyung’s reaction was to being interrupted. If she knows him, it was a mixture of annoyance at his friends, regret at not acting faster with her, and some amount of apprehension at how she will react later.

She doesn’t stick around to find out, though. The next morning, Qualifying day, Mick Schumacher and Max Verstappen pick her up from the house to go to the paddock together. She sees Mick standing outside the car, blond and beautiful, looking like a Disney prince as he smiles and waves to her. Behind him, Max scowls at his phone as he types something, looking up only to politely nod his head at someone behind her.

“Good luck today,” says Namjoon to all of them when she turns around to see him emerge with a book in his hand. He gives her a momentary look that seems too meaningful to be a coincidence, before smiling and waving as they leave.

BTS don’t come to the paddock today. Dilara isn’t sure, but she suspects they’re filming a Run episode and irrespective of what their PR arrangement is and the fact that she doesn’t understand Korean anyway, the staff would rather not have her around.

She does get good luck texts from Jimin, Seokjin and Hoseok, the latter also adding an additional line about watching out for this episode when it airs just to be entertained by what a bad mood Taehyung is in. It’s exasperating how temperamental he gets, but there’s also a secret pride that she can’t help but feel at the suspicion that his mood could be this bad because of the kiss that almost happened… and the cold shower she suspects he needed to take after it.

Dilara needed to, if she’s being fully honest. She didn’t because it was freezing, but later that night under the covers with the lights off, for the first time in weeks, she’d brought out of her suitcase a most loyal of travel companions. In the brave hope that the thick blankets would be enough to mask the sound of the vibrations, Dilara, for the first time in months, pictured her ex-boyfriend with no guilt or shame, the memory of how her stomach had fluttered at the thought of kissing him overpowering everything.

In hindsight, Dilara doesn’t know how she would’ve responded if he had kissed her. For that reason alone, she’s relieved they were interrupted. But the momentary warmth she’d felt with his body so close to hers had been unbearably stirring, his voice deep and husky as he murmured in the dark, their fingers intertwined, his slender hand still on her wrist, how his jaw tightened just a bit as he looked down at her mouth…

As expected, Qualifying is tough. The temperature is unbearable and no matter how many blankets the pit crew covers the tyres in, they just aren’t hot enough. Two pairs of cars crash into each other, while the remaining drivers just try to hang on and wrap up the least productive Qualifying session ever.

It’s not a good Qualifying for Dilara - but not because of her result. Max snags P3 and she finishes P4, a good result considering, despite a frustrating hour of being able to get no heat into her stupid tyres. A racing incident ends up ruining fan favourite Lando Norris’s Q3, though, and while she doesn’t think it’s her fault, he’s still in P10. 

Dilara just knows her phone is going to blow up with hate from his fans. The post-Qualifying interview is terrible as well; she stutters and uses the wrong words that the anchor, Paul di Resta, immediately picks up on, and she overall ends up sounding rather defensive about the whole thing.

The debrief is shit, too, although not because of Christian or Helmut saying anything to her. They discuss her mistake but quickly move on to how they can spin it for tomorrow, with the constant question hanging over the team about how on earth they’re ever going to be able to race in such freezing conditions.

Mick and Max drop Dilara home after Quali, all three of them in relative silence which she’s thankful for. When she enters the house, it’s to the entire group in the living room and kitchen area, who conspicuously lower their voices at the sight of her. At first, she assumes they don’t want her to hear and she’s about to remind them that she doesn’t understand Korean. Then when she sees Jimin and Jungkook looking up at her from near the television with big, concerned eyes, it occurs to her that they might have seen Qualifying - and her interview after.

She doesn’t want to talk about it, though, with anyone. She silently waves in greeting and trudges to her room, shutting the door and heading straight for the shower. She turns the water to the hottest setting, welcoming the scalding water after a day of cold sweat and online hate.

It’s only after a long and elaborate moisturizing routine that Dilara realises she’s forgotten to pick up food from the track, meaning she has no dinner. Panic grips at her chest for a moment because she can’t not eat the night before a race, and the exhaustion makes her want to yell. Then, as if the universe has heard her and thrown her a bone, she smells something exquisite. She can’t tell what it is exactly, but it smells like soup and chicken curry, and her stomach rumbles in hunger.

Dilara puts her ear to the door, hearing nothing. It’s unheard of to have three or more members of BTS in a room and have this much silence, meaning it might just be safe to go out. Opening the door a crack and vaguely wondering why she’s being so dramatic, Dilara spots a lone Min Yoongi in the kitchen, quietly preparing dinner.

Her stomach rumbles again and she tries to count herself lucky that he, at least, will not probe her about today. The rest of her tries to gather the courage to actually step out of her room and open her mouth to ask him what she wants to. When she reaches the edge of the kitchen, she stops. If he’s seen her, he isn’t acknowledging it.

“Do you need some help?”

Yoongi looks up, hands still shaking some kind of powder into the pot on the stove. He frowns vaguely.

It’s not the reaction she was hoping for but it’s only then that she peers into the pot to see something vaguely orange bubbling away. Next to him, there’s a cutting board with two slabs of meat on it. “What are you making?” she asks curiously, frowning as she tries to place it.

He takes a moment before answering. “Dwaejigogi-jjigae.”

Dilara bites her lip. “Oh… I don’t - I don’t know what that is.”

He raises an eyebrow, now reaching for a cup of water. “You dated two Koreans and you don’t know what dwaejigogi-jjigae is?”

“Who’s the second? Chris?” she exclaims, thinking she might throw up. “God, no.”

“Not Chris,” says Yoongi calmly. “The other one, in Yeongam.”

Oh. Jaden. That’s even worse. “Oh,” she replies, not knowing what else to say. “How do you know about that?”

“The first one spotted you there,” he says wryly, a ghost of a smirk on his face.

So Taehyung had seen them snogging in the parking lot. She doesn’t know how to feel about that now. “Oh, yeah. Well… it didn’t really go anywhere,” she says vaguely. For some reason, she doesn’t want Yoongi to think she was at all serious about Jaden. She clears her throat. “So, do you need some help?”

Yoongi stares at her with narrowed eyes for a moment before turning his attention back to the pot. “Is this about what I said in Imola? Because it’s none of my business.”

“No, I know. I mean, it’s not - it’s not about that,” she says lamely, wishing she would stop stuttering. “I just… well, why don’t you want help?” she asks, changing tacks.

“It’s not that I don’t want it. It’s that apart from Jin hyung, you’re literally the first person in this house that’s ever offered to help out in the kitchen,” he explains, sounding fairly unbothered by the fact. “And I’ve been around these kids for too long not to get suspicious.”

Dilara isn’t sure how she feels about being lumped with the kids, although she guesses for Yoongi it’s only natural. It suddenly makes her feel like she'd rather tell him the truth. “I’m really hungry,” she blurts. “For - for home-cooked food.”

Yoongi raises his eyebrows. “You’re offering to help because you want food?”

She hesitates. “I mean, it’s not like an Oliver Twist kind of situation.”

“You didn’t think I’d give you food unless you helped?” He tilts his head as he looks back at her, looking curious. “Do you really think I’m that much of a dick?”

“No, of course not,” she replies hurriedly, realising what it must sound like. “I’m just… I’m not… I’m not really hanging out with you guys right now, so I guess I don’t think it’s fair if I… I mean, I should…” She trails off, now feeling truly embarrassed. It occurs to her that even if she does get food, she’ll probably have to sit with them while she eats it. “You know what? It’s - it’s fine, I’ll just order in.”

“From where?”

“From… wherever the other drivers are getting their food from,” she answers vaguely, knowing all of them have their trainers with them and suddenly missing Lexie more than ever.

Yoongi frowns, still looking more curious than anything else. “Why are you so nervous? Do I intimidate you?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

Dilara scoffs nervously. “Oh, that can’t be news to you.”

He cracks a smile. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“Um, I don’t think I used the word afraid,” she clarifies before shrugging, looking down at her hands. “You’re like that older brother. The one you don’t want to disappoint.”

Yoongi chuckles quietly, without humour. “I don’t think you’re the one that disappointed me,” he admits wryly.

There’s an awkward silence. The idea that Yoongi could feel this strongly about her love life seems too foreign to consider. Dilara had never particularly got the impression that Yoongi really cared what she thought of him, but then again, he wouldn’t be the first member to surprise her.

Dilara remembers one of the few conversations they’ve ever had, just the two of them. He won’t hurt you. He’d more or less promised that, even though he had no business doing so. His response makes a little more sense when she thinks about that evening, sharing a taboo cigarette in Monterey and promising, to this day, to keep it between them.

“So do I really intimidate you, Lara?” Yoongi asks, gently pulling her out of her reverie.

Her heart skips a beat. “Oh… please don’t call me that,” she requests, shifting uncomfortably.

Yoongi looks amused. “Taehyung’s the only one who can call you that?”

The honest answer, she realises only now, is yes. “He doesn’t call me that anymore,” she says evasively.

“You can caramelise the onions,” he says after a moment, gesturing to another chopping board with a pile of sliced onions on it.

“Oh,” she sighs, deflating slightly.

“What?”

Dilara swallows. “I don’t - I mean… I really think it would be better if you gave me something that didn’t involve cooking, per se. Like chopping or - or cleaning…?” she suggests nervously, embarrassed at putting her incompetence on display like this. ”I’m a disaster in the kitchen,” she confesses.

Yoongi observes me for a moment. “Not to make things awkward, but sometimes you and Taehyung make so much sense, it’s crazy.”

It’s not the first time she’s heard this. “Yeah…” she agrees dryly, “until it isn’t.”

“What happened when you two tried cooking together?”

Dilara chuckles in spite of herself. “We never tried.”

“Just as well,” he replies. “Probably saved a kitchen somewhere from burning down.”

“Probably.” She pauses. “We never really got around to doing stuff like that,” she says after a moment, and she can hear the underlying regret in her own voice at how short a time they’d had together.

“Here,” says Yoongi after a moment. She looks up to see him push a bowl filled with carrots, leeks and colourful bell peppers. “You can chop this.”

---

Dilara should sleep. She really should. But sleep evades her for some strange reason and after a series of silly decisions, she finds herself walking outside like a goddamn zombie on an unbelievably freezing night in Germany. 

What she’s doing is ridiculously stupid. She could get hypothermia, her joints will be stiffer than ever, she could catch a cold or a fever, she will lose out on sleep, and being awake at this hour is guaranteed to stress her out even more than she already is. But her anxiety takes precedence over it tonight, and without Lexie, Chris and Fred to help her out of it, especially after a shitty Qualifying, she realises she’s rather badly equipped to handle it on her own.

Dilara is on the verge of opening her Twitter app and reading comments about her today. She does that sometimes; it’s sick, deliberately reading hate about oneself, especially from people who probably can’t even drive a goddamn stick, but she does it anyway so that, ironically, her anxiety reduces by turning into conviction that, yes, she is a terrible driver, she probably doesn’t deserve the Red Bull seat, that a little girl shouldn’t be racing with men, she probably is PMSing when she accidentally says the wrong thing on camera…

She wants to call Lexie. If she were to find out what Dilara is tempted to do, she would shut her down so quickly that she’d feel stupid for considering it in the first place. 

Dilara’s thumb hovers over her phone screen, frozen. Lexie had messaged herself right after Quali but Dilara hadn’t wanted to talk just then. It matters not, because the next second, the phone is at Dilara’s ear and she hears ringing. It rings and rings, but eventually goes to voicemail. She closes her eyes; even the sound of Lexie’s voice on the outgoing message helps a bit.

Dilara needs familiarity. Comfort.

Taehyung had tried to talk to her earlier in the night. The moment Yoongi had finished cooking, she’d inhaled a small bowl of food while he called the others inside and by the time they’d finally trudged in, she was already washing her bowl and stacking it back in the cabinet. She’d also quietly volunteered to wash the dishes after, feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude to Yoongi, not realising that somehow, Taehyung was also on dish duty.

It was fine for a bit, silently washing and rinsing and wiping dishes side by side. Dilara could see him giving her lingering looks, each glance making it clear that he wanted to ask about Quali, until she finally asked him to quit it. He asked, sincerely, if she was okay, if she wanted to talk and she knew it was because of last night, but… giving him comfort was one thing. Taking it from him had the potential to spiral, especially when her feelings for him were getting more and more confusing by the day, so she had no choice but to forcefully decline.

When Taehyung tried again and reached for her hand in the warm soapy water in a presumably comforting gesture, Dilara yanked it back without thinking and, wiping her hands on the dishcloth, stalked away without a word. She doesn’t regret it, exactly; she’s still angry and she’s still hurt, and the last thing she wants to do is let him forget it.

“This is stupid,” she mutters, seeing her breath condense before her. She turns back towards the house and starts walking towards the front door when it opens. Startled, she halts to see Min Yoongi standing in the doorway, the porch light like a halo above his ice blue hair.

“What - what are you doing up so late?” Dilara asks him, genuinely bewildered. “It’s almost one am.”

“I could say the same to you,” he mutters, rubbing his eyes and sounding slightly disgruntled. He walks down the steps and stops a couple feet away from her, shoving his hands in the pocket of his oversized coat and shivering. “You know it’s freezing, right?”

“I - yes.”

“So… what are you doing?”

“What are you doing?” she asks, thoroughly confused.

“I saw you from my window,” he says shortly. “I thought I was imagining it but then you tried to kick a rock and missed, so I knew it was you.” Ignoring her mortification, Yoongi looks around at the foggy front yard. “So what is it? Is it about Qualifying?”

Dilara’s immediate instinct is to deny but when she doesn’t answer, he seems to take it as confirmation.

“Do you want to talk about it, then?” He sounds only mildly concerned, giving her enough room to decline if she wants. “It’s okay if you don’t,” he adds after a moment, “but at least come inside before you freeze to death.”

So they talk about it. Or rather, Dilara talks and Yoongi patiently listens. They sit near where she and Taehyung were last night, but the distance between them is much more respectable. Yoongi is way easier to talk to than she’d ever thought; even if there are things she mentions that he doesn’t understand, he listens, asking questions and letting her vent thoroughly.

“Can we not talk about this anymore?” she asks after she finishes talking about the last time she’d received online hate, all the way back in Spain this year when she was going through her heartbreak-induced slump.

“Okay.” Yoongi exhales before speaking. “For what it’s worth, the hate will never stop.”

Dilara doesn't look up. “Gee, thanks.”

He shrugs. “There’s always going to be someone, somewhere who thinks what you’re doing is shit,” he says in a matter-of-fact way. “There’s absolutely nothing you can do to make everyone happy. Not a thing.”

“I don’t care about making them happy,” she mutters. “It’s just unfair because they have no idea what it’s like in the car.”

“Exactly. They don’t. So their opinion means nothing, especially when it’s a troll halfway across the world that’s mad because you’re way further fulfilling your dreams than he is. Or she,” he adds thoughtfully.

“You don’t sound like this affects you at all,” she remarks after a moment, referring to the magnitude of hate she’s sure BTS probably gets. “Is all the anger reserved for Agust D?” she quips.

Yoongi grins, gummy smile flashing. “Something like that.”

“Maybe I should take up rapping.”

“You drive cars at ridiculous speeds. What’s a better outlet for your anger than that?”

He’s right, of course. In fact, it’s exactly what Chris Park would say. Save it for the track, D. She doesn’t have her support system here, but it occurs to her that she’s also not completely alone. 

“Is he telling the truth?” Dilara asks suddenly, needing to find out.

“About what?” Yoongi doesn’t ask whom she’s referring to and for that she’s glad.

She shrugs. “Everything. Being sorry, making a mistake, the Jennie thing…” She trails off, swallowing. “How he feels…”

“I think so.” When she doesn’t respond, he sighs deeply, as if unable to believe he’s being dragged into this childish drama. “I mean, I’m sure he’s sorry and we know his thing with Jennie wasn’t real,” he elaborates, as though counting items off a shopping list. “She was nice but I don’t know who he was fooling trying to date her. As for how he feels…” He gives Dilara a sympathetic shrug. “That’s only upto you to decide.”

“But what do you think?” Dilara presses.

Yoongi looks slightly surprised that she wants his opinion this badly. “Well… I think he still cares about you. A lot, in fact. I think he’s still in love with you, although I think you’ll have to get him to admit that to you,” he continues, apparently not realising how her heart rams against her ribcage. “But I also didn’t think he’d be stupid enough to do what he did. Going by his actions today, though, I’d say he still really cares about you.”

Dilara says nothing, replaying his words. “Hang on,” she says slowly. “What actions today? Wait, Yoongi - did he ask you to talk to me tonight?” By the way he freezes momentarily, she knows she’s right. “You have got to be joking.”

“Why is that so bad?”

“It’s - it’s the principle of it.”

“What principle?”

“If I wanted to talk to him, I would’ve.”

“And you’re not. He knows that. He said it looked like you had a rough day and since you don’t have your friends here, you might need someone to talk to.” Yoongi shrugs. “Was he wrong?” When she doesn’t answer, he chuckles, gummy smile flashing once more. “Or was he totally right?”

“Shut up,” she mutters, making him snort. “And… no, he wasn’t wrong. But he wasn’t totally right either,” she adds, although she doesn’t know what to back that up with.

Yoongi doesn’t even ask. “So stubborn,” he remarks softly, his eyes on the frozen lake.

“Well, do I at least have your word that you won’t tell him what we talked about?”

“Tell who?” he asks innocently.

Dilara gives him a look. “Jungkook’s boyfriend. Can I trust you?” she asks, even as he laughs.

“Of course you can,” he says easily, standing up and offering her a hand. “And, seriously, it’s almost two am. You should sleep.”

She doesn’t argue and takes his hand, trying not to stomp behind him as they walk back to the house. “The grass is really slippery, by the way.”

“What’s that now?”

Dilara stops a few steps behind him as they reach the porch. “You said you saw me kicking a rock and missing. It’s because the grass is really slippery.” She pauses, somewhat conscious of what she must be sounding like. “I don’t miss.”

Yoongi stares at her, his mouth twitching. “Noted,” he says finally, reaching for the door handle and twisting it. “Okay, did you know this locks from the inside?”

She blinks. “Are you telling me we’re locked out here -” She glances at her phone “- twelve hours before the German Grand Prix?”

“Don’t worry,” he says calmly, typing on his phone. “I’m messaging on the group chat. Someone or the other will be awake.” He waits for a moment before chuckling, a little disbelievingly. “Okay, I was right.”

Dilara regards him suspiciously as she hears soft footsteps from inside. “Who is it?”

“Jungkook’s boyfriend, who else?”

“Perfect,” she mutters, as the door swings open to reveal the aforementioned boyfriend, a black beanie over his hair, black glasses and - she realises with a slight shock - the black hoodie she’d returned to him earlier this year. Contrary to what Yoongi made it sound like, Taehyung doesn’t look like he was on the verge of sleep at all.

He asks Yoongi something in Korean, his eyes on Dilara, to which Yoongi murmurs a reply before clapping her on the shoulder and heading inside.

“Thanks,” she mutters to Taehyung, moving to follow Yoongi, when Taehyung stops her by grabbing the edge of her sleeve.

“Are you okay?” he asks softly, eyes bigger than ever.

Dilara wants to roll her eyes and tell him that she knows he asked Yoongi to talk to her, but she doesn’t know what purpose that would serve. So after a moment’s hesitation, she nods, gently taking back her hand and going into her room.

—

Thank you for reading. Don't forget to drop a review :)

[coffeebeannate]

nateee, natteeeeee, your pirate!joe fic has DEVASTATED me with endless possibilities floating around through my lil gremlin brain so i feel it's only fair to subject you to them: first concept: pirate joe, mermaid nicky. do i need to say more??? do i?? second concept: prince/royalty joe and pirate nicky. the forbidden LOVERS of it all. im picturing a scene where nicky perhaps rescues joe (not that joe isn't perfectly capable on his own) and nicky says "i'm a pirate, not a monster" AHHHhhhH???HHH

I need you all to witness the absolute glory that Abby here has been leaving in my inbox. Under a cut because it’s long but trust me folks, this is worth every second. 

Abby, this is a delight and I thank you so much for sharing it with me. My inbox has been a happy place the last couple days!

Behold, All, Abby’s excellent brain tinkerings:

im not done!!! im not done!! theres still Thoughts jumbling around like marbles in a jar in the hands of a very energetic toddler! this is kinda going off the idea of prince/royalty joe and pirate nicky but its set in canonverse and they're undercover and they have to keep up the appearances of who they're supposed to be (and not liking the other) but them having secret rendezvous and finding the whole situation... amusing. also maybe trying to get the other to break character for funsies idk im having perhaps... TOO MANY IDEA? okay okay okay okay runaway prince turned pirate joe. i dont know what nicky's vibe is in this au but one thought is - mermaid? (im perhaps.. too much of a fan of mermaid nicky concept idk) i guess nicky could also be a prince in this situation? or a pirate? idk im just thinking about runaway prince turned pirate joe. like with no one knowing that pirate joe is actually prince yusuf and vice versa. wait wai twai ti wajit i have idea  (runaway prince joe turned pirate) maybe nicky is like... sent to find prince yusuf? and in his journeys he stumbles across pirate joe. maybe there's rumors that Pirate!Joe killed prince yusuf? maybe nicky confronts joe and joe just tilts his head and gives nicky a coy smile saying 'oh, the prince isn't dead... but i can promise you won't find him if you kill me.' okay so just to draw it out a bit of a picture. nicky has his sword at joe's throat at this point, like the sword tip just under joe's chin y'know the whole gay holding ur enemy at swordpoint shebang. but joe is unfazed by this, he speaks the whole 'prince yusuf isn't dead' bit and theres a smirk on his lips and confidence in his eyes. maybe nicky demands that he tell him where the prince is. maybe its at this point that joe says 'i can promise if you kill me you'll never find him' okay hold on let me just: Nicky has Joe at swordpoint, a surprise attack perhaps. Joe: "While this isn't my first encounter with a devilishly handsome man holding me at swordpoint, i must say this is the first time i don't know /why/" Nicky narrows his eyes, "You killed Prince Yusuf. I was sent to seek justice for his death." "Oh... well, while I'm honored, truly, but I'm afraid there is not justice to seek. Prince Yusuf isn't dead." Nicolò (i know i used nicky previously but i like the vibe of nicolò so im using that now) manages to narrow his eyes at Joe even more, of course all logic is telling him not to believe this pirate, but there is this (extremely repressed) part of him that /believes/ Joe. And that's when Joe, maybe sensing or seeing the hesitation in Nicolò's eyes, tilts his head and speaks again, "Kill me if you wish, but I can promise if you do so, you will never find the justice you seek, you will /never/ find your Prince- and it will be /you/ who is as good as his killer." Nicolò stands there silently for a bit, his expression blank, and finally he speaks, his voice quiet, "And if I don't kill you?" And Joe's grin widens almost instantaneously. (thats all i've like thought out exact scene wise but maybe joe says smth like "you'll just have to find out" okay so like i said i dont have exact thoughts but like, basically, joe ends up taking nicolò on a wild goose chase to find the prince. maybe he has a plan, or more likely, he's winging it with his quick wit and charm alone. i know he certainly doesn't /plan/ to reveal to nicolò that /he/ is in fact the prince (as nicolò's new goal/plan has become "rescuing" the prince and returning him to his home) but well... lets just say things dont really follow... Any Plans in the end so they go on a wild goose chase together, and slowly, slowly they fall. and idk what really happens but im just picturing there being situations where joe could... so easily ditch nicolò, but he finds himself stalling in those situations. maybe joe slowly teaches nicolò pirate-y things. maybe nicolò secretly begins hoping they /never/ find the prince. if it means he gets to stay with joe. idk. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ idk. Additional Points:

okay okay so one thought i haven't been able to stop thinking about in this prince turned pirate au is andy and quynh. now my frist thought was like mermaid quynh but i think thats just gonna be another au im gonna have to think about but i think the concept i really like for this au is pirate andy & quynh, they are the ones who helped joe get to where he is as a pirate (and perhaps they are the only people who know the truth about joe?) and yeah, co-pirates andy & quynh i'm just really picturing andy and quynh running into joe and nicky when joe is "leading nicky to the prince" and them just,,, raising their eyebrows at joe like "to the Prince? the PRINCE?" and at this point joe and nicky have fallen for each other but refuse to admit it or anything and andy & quynh See RIGHT through joe but joe INSISTS he has everything under control and he Has A Plan so they ultimately leave him alone in the end but they KNOW... they KNOW Some Gems Abby Included: “Hold on I gotta eat” (There was a pause in asks here) “Okay, I’ve put on pirate music LETS GO” (After part 8) “Okay this is the last part.” (Sends two more parts) Abby, from the absolute bottom of my heart thank you for this. I’d be happy to expand it into a thing of some sort (a fic) down the road, and take these incredible notes with me. You made me laugh out loud multiple times and the little notes you put in just made it better. I encourage this entirely and thank you so much. This is absolutely fantastic. I’m honoured to have been the one you’ve shared this with.

[cross-d-a]

I want to know ALL about Wu Xie embarrassing time traveler!Li Cu!!! ✨✨ I'm also v intrigued by Nie Huisang death death death

(Also, Cross you have so many wips; I read in awe. And to think I thought I had a lot of star wars fix-it ideas! I only have anything at all written down for two of them!)

(this refers to the WIP tag game I completed a few days ago!)

Wu Xie being EMBARRASSING & Li Cu Time Travel: 

I’ve got a series of interconnected oneshots planned where Li Cu just- accidentally hops back in time to every drama/book and helps out the Iron Triangle. and it’s more like LI CU embarrassing WU XIE haha

I thought it’d be HILARIOUS if Li Cu got to see how Wu Xie (UR MY DAD BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE) is so YOUNG and STUPID and EMBARRASSING when he’s young!! Wu Xie making (ACTUALLY) innocent doe eyes at an emo Xiao Ge?? GROSS. Wu Xie accidentally (DELIBERATELY?) setting off multiple traps in a tomb?? Li Cu is 10000/10 going to RECORD THIS on his phone and bring it BACK to the future and make fun of Wu Xie FOREVER. Also!!! There are SO MANY SNAKES in Ultimate Note!! And?? Conveniently?? Li Cu has a lil’ snake buddy?? MAYBE HE COULD HELP??? 

I basically want Li Cu being the Actual Competent One and the baby Iron Triangle floundering. Mostly Wu Xie. I want Wu Xie floundering. I also want Wu Xie SO EMBARRASSED when Li Cu hops back to his own time. 

li cu: DAD UR AN IDIOT 

wu xie: i DONT WANT TO RELIVE IT PLS AND THANK 

li cu: nO!! U ARE GOING TO SUFFER!! UR SO STUPID u set off FIVE TRAPS

wu xie: i hate you 

li cu: no u don’t u just told me u loved and appreciated me for saving ur life like ten minutes ago. there were tears in your eyes. actually they were streaming down ur face. u might have been hugging my leg and sobbing

wu xie: tHAT WAS SIXTEEN YEARS AGO FOR ME OK i am an OLD MAN

Nie Huaisang death death death:

I think it’s hilarious that you picked out one of the resurrective immortality fics considering we were JUST talking about the old guard hahaha. This one I actually have a good chunk written so far, so here is a long snippet near the beginning. Context is that Nie Huaisang’s mother is VERY pregnant and she’s riding through the mountains to visit her family before she gives birth. WARNINGS for gore (kinda??) and child death and just- DEATH in general:

There are beasts in the mountains. Ravenous, born of fury and blood, more ragged spirit than flesh. Their claws are jagged and broken and their maws drip with sizzling saliva. They have roamed the mountains for years and years, and have only grown more enraged, voracious.

The Nie Clan have always harnessed the butchery of their past. Binding rage and ruin to themselves, channeling it through their hearts and into their swords until they are one and the same. Until it feeds upon their flesh and their spirit, gnawing on their bones, carving out a little space for itself between brittle ribs. Until, one bloody piece at a time, it consumes them whole.

The Nie Clan’s power is also the source of their doom, and these beasts who roam and know only hate hate hate are Nie-furen’s doom, as well.

They descend upon the Nie in the dead of night, a roiling mass of snapping teeth and furious howls. There is blood, screaming, desperate flashes of Dao magic and heavy blades. But there are too many and it is not enough.

But the mighty Phoenix of the West has always been filled with unmatched fury and she is full of new life and about to burst. She will not let her child die here today. Not before he can breathe sweet fresh air and keen that first high cry. Not before his father can cradle him in his arms and his older brother can plant a kiss on his forehead.

That rage within her swells. It devours her spirit and bleeds out her eyes as she screams screams screams- a raging beacon of power and brutality and every ancestor’s grief.

She slaughters everything in her path.

When she comes to, she is soaked in blood and there is pain in her belly and an ache behind her eyes and in every breath- but she is alive. She lies amidst the ruins of her people and the lingering darkness of vanquished spirits and Shan Xifeng—

She goes into labour.

It is long and hard, lasting through the night into the bloody dawn and beyond. She manages to crawl to the edge of their encampment but no further. She twists into a curl of agony and cries into the clouded sky.

Her son is born on the cusp of evening, just as the sun slides behind dark, ragged peaks. He is born soft and warm and silent.

Shan Xifeng cradles him in quaking hands. Cups his cheek to her breast. His tiny head is blood-streaked like his mother. Blood-streaked like her friends and family around her.

It is an irony that on one of the most important days of her life, she is surrounded by her loved ones and yet they are all dead.

“Little one,” she murmurs, and tilts his limp head. “Little one, please.”

But he is silent as the dead around her and that grief swells again in her breast. It gnaws on her ribs and scrabbles at her throat and she is shaking shaking shaking.

“No,” she spits. “No! He has done nothing wrong! Nothing! Does he not deserve his first breath? His first cry? Does he not deserve the family that awaits him?!”

She screams into the sky and tastes blood between her teeth. “Take me instead! I beg of you! Please let him live! I would give my life! Every single one of them, so that he may live!”

Her sword quakes along with that dark raging thing within her and she clutches her dead son close.

Then—

The faint, elegant curve of a fan in the corner of her eye. The shift of cloth, the echo of a breath. The glimmering of ethereal gold and silver, like someone has spun the stars and sun above into delicate thread.

Summoned, like a beast to blood.

“All of them?”

Shan Xifeng knows better than to face an unknowable thing and so she bows as low as her broken body will allow. She stares into the bloodied dirt and breathes in dust and rasps, “Yes.”

“Hm.” A flicker of a stretching smile, coy, with a hint of sharp teeth. She does not see the fathomless dark behind those stark white teeth, a gaping void of ravenous benevolence. It is hidden behind the flare of the fan. “Do you understand what you ask for?”

“I do,” she says without hesitation.

The grin widens, lips scarlet and dark against bone-white skin. “Then I shall grant your wish.”

A shift of cloth, then a cool hand cups Nie-furen’s cheek, guiding her up. Her eyes flicker open and she sees what no mortal has ever seen, and then that fan whispers against her cheek and blood-red lips press against hers and the last thing she feels is her golden core trembling spasming dying as life is pulled from her breath- all the lives she has ever lived, the one she lives now, and every life she could have ever lived.

Shan Xifeng falls into the bloodied dirt beneath, still clutching her dead son to her breast. And then there is no one left living in that small clearing.

Pale, bony fingers trace a delicate line through the blood that lingers upon her cheek. It is still wet and useful. Stained fingers press against scarlet lips and the life held between stark white teeth is breathed anew into that blood.

Carefully, bone-thin fingers trace a deliberate character upon the newborn child’s left cheek. The blood shines, brilliant and devastating, before fading back into a gruesome name across pale skin. Slowly, the child begins to twitch, brows wrinkling in displeasure, before a high keening wail escapes tiny lips as the child take its first breath.

“Your mother does not know what she’s doomed you to.”

A day later, travelers upon the road hear a faint keening noise not far from their wagon. When they find the clearing, they gag and retch. When they find the weak, whining child clutched in his dead mother’s arms, they shake their heads and then stare at the crest emblazoned upon the woman’s clothes.

Two days after that, the child is delivered to Nie-zongzhu’s disbelieving arms.

“No,” he says, violent spirit quaking deep within him. “No. It- it is not true.”

The traveler ducks his head and clasps his hands in a bow. “I’m sorry, Zongzhu. We were not able to take the bodies with us. You’ll have to send someone to check, but…it was the crest of your house. And…” he hesitates, then nods to his companion who stumbles up and offers a sword.

Not just any sword. A dao.

Shan Xifeng’s dao.

Feng.

“No,” Nie-zongzhu cries, falling to his knees.

“I-I’m so sorry,” the traveler stutters. “I am so, so sorry, Nie-zongzhu.”

Nie-zongzhu sobs, clutching his newborn child to his chest. “Little one,” he weeps. “Oh, little one. At least life is kind enough to have spared you.”

“Yong,” the traveler blurts.

Nie-zongzhu stares uncomprehendingly, tears running hot down his cheeks.

“It- it was written upon his cheek in- in blood. I- I think that is what his mother named him. She must have done it with her dying breath. She must have wanted you to know. He did not enter this world nameless.”

“Yong,” Nie-zongzhu echoes, trembling. “It- it is a good name, for my brave little boy.” He cups his son’s cheek and sobs. “Brave like- like his mother,” he murmurs, voice thin and quaking. “She named you well.”

And perhaps it is bravery that made Shan Xifeng give up the chance to ever be reborn. Perhaps it is bravery that saved her son’s life.

But it was all a mother’s wretched love, and Shan Xifeng did not write the character for brave upon her son’s cheek.

No, it was not Yong for bravery, but Yong for eternal.

And it is not his mother who wrote it.

Perhaps it is bravery that saved her son, but is the curse of eternity really a kindness?

No, no Shan Xifeng did not truly understand what she asked for.

But Nie Yong soon would.

The next section starts with:

The second time Nie Yong dies, he doesn’t even realize it.

He is four years old.

and the third section starts with:

The third time Nie Yong dies, his Adie kills him.

He is nine years old.

It’s basically an Angst Fest with a happy ending bc...I just need a happy ending Always. I just REALLY love resurrective immortality and I love making my favourite characters Suffer :)

I hope these were fun and satisfying to read!! 

♪(ﾟ▽^*)ﾉ⌒☆

(also omg NO it’s a CURSE!!! I WISH I could just finish SOMETHING!! ANYTHING!! OMG!!! I am so envious you’ve managed to restrain yourself to a few!! Also!! I am SUPER excited to find out more about your fix-its!!! :D)

[squidproquoclarice]

I had an arguably obvious realization dawn on me and now I'm in my feelings. if Arthur hadn't tasked Sadie with getting Abigail to safety, she would've followed him to the grave (or saved him, who knows?) and there wouldn't have been any stopping her. I think Arthur knew that in the end and had her keep her promise to get the Marstons out, making it impossible for her to chase death beside him. Thoughts?

Wrapping this into another Ask of “You make the scenario of Sadie coming back to bury Arthur and instead rescuing him easy to believe but why do you think it was Charles who said he came back to bury him in the Epilogue?  What happened that it wasn’t Sadie?”~~~~~~~~~~~~~I think Arthur knew that, and he didn’t want her to die alongside him.  He very visibly is trying to get her and Abigail to go, even as he’s saying goodbye, and he knows the charge of protecting a (presumably widowed) Abigail and a (presumably fatherless) Jack is one of the few things that can hold her back from a suicide run with him.  He respects and trusts her enough, as one of the people now dearest to him, to protect some of the others who are also dearest to him, and that says a lot about their relationship.  It also says a lot that he's unwilling to let her possibly die beside him.  He knows the pain she’s in, but he has to believe that unlike him, with this likely fatal disease, that she can and should live  That somehow, she’s strong enough to carry on, to find the best in herself again.  He doesn’t realize how much he means to her and how much this loss will devastate her, as we see in the Epilogue.Like I remarked with Javier, her sticking with him till the end might have changed things, although I think Javier and Arthur vs Micah and Dutch would have been a more powerful standoff that might have gotten through to Dutch.  Sadie’s a fucking badass gurl, but she’s new to the gang, and like it or not, Javier standing there would probably command more respect (despite, you know, Sadie actually leading the gang for a while there.)As to why it didn’t play that way in canon, I think what happened is a matter of timing.  In Sunrise I have Sadie, Tilly, Abigail and Jack wait overnight at Copperhead Landing to make some plans, and ride when it’s light out.  That could easily have gone the other way with Sadie and Abigail getting there, and getting the hell of Dodge a lot sooner with Jack and Tilly rather than risk Pinkertons catching up with them there.  John’s shrewd, and knowing they almost definitely wouldn’t go to St. Denis to catch the train, found them on the way to or actually in Rhodes the next morning.  It was an easier call for Sadie to make to go back for Arthur’s body when it was a couple hours to Beaver Hollow and beyond.  From Rhodes, it’s a lot longer ride, and I think the weight of the situation settled on her harder.  She’d already started to accept the numb reality of Arthur being dead, whereas in the middle of the night, she still had enough anger and determination to made that short ride back, risk being caught by Pinkertons, and do the right thing by him.  In the canon scenario, she let the others get on the train, and just headed west without much of a plan.  She just couldn’t face a long ride going back to see another man she cared about so much lying there dead.  He wouldn’t let her stay with him, so he wouldn’t want her to see that, right?  Though I think it kills her that she didn’t bury Jake, and didn’t bury Arthur either.  And FWIW, though I’ve remarked he didn’t die of TB given he was still fit enough to fight Micah and instead passed out from hypoxia and exhaustion, yes, I do think he would have been dead by morning from hypothermia.  Peacefully, at least.  So Sadie going back at that point, she really would have been burying him.I don’t think Charles had the chance to make the potential save on Arthur’s life.  Not that the willingness absolutely wouldn’t be there, like there is in Sunrise to help take care of him in those first days when he’s in truly terrible shape.  But he just doesn’t have that slim but golden critical opportunity that Sadie does of being within easy striking distance, and knowing exactly what the hell happened and when.  He’s at Wapiti, doesn’t know what’s going on with the gang, and is focused on the tribe’s welfare.  Which is right and proper and what Arthur wanted for him, but given he’s totally out of that loop, and would have no reason to go to Beaver Hollow at all, let alone that night, it places him outside that small window of being able to possibly save Arthur’s life.  So Charles coming back to bury him in that case is fitting and lovely and so poignant about the trust they have--John may be stressed hard as Arthur’s brother, but Charles clearly is his brother as well by the end of Chapter 6.  And it says a lot that he came back, maybe all the way from Canada, to bury him (and Susan) once he heard.     

[anon0618]

Frustrated to my core.

As I mentioned my partner got a promotion. We are stoked. We feel it's finally our time to get out on our own. We were first told end of December. I have never been more excited. But "construction delays" have pushed it back and now there really hasn't been a definitive answer. He something about February or March. Alright. Fine. I can wait. Ain't have any other choice. But for the people out there. I mentioned his mom. She's been staying with us and it's been maybe a month and so far it has been ok. I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I have to watch what I say, what I do. Even feel I have to control my facial expressions around her because she has claimed that I "smirk" at her. I don't. I am constantly on edge when she is around. I plan how I am going to say hello to her or good bye. Or if I don't say those things I fret and freak out about if she's gonna get mad and blow up. If I am in the kitchen, the bathroom, wherever and she walks into our bedroom and she's still in there when I want to come back I either wait til she comes out. Or I start to walk in and she's still there. I don't know if I'm allowed to come into my own bedroom. It's 100 % anxiety inducing. It's like walking on eggshells. You never know what will make her angry. I have this pit in my gut and it feels terrible. And I want to cry. The worst thing is having to keep this all to myself. My partner has acknowledged that she has issues. Hell he has his own issues with her. But at the end of the day that's his mom. And it's hard to express my frustrations, I have before but on one hand I don't want him to feel like I don't know. Bad? Because this isnt his fault. And he is just such a good person. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. And now today my mom called me while I am at work and told me his mom got upset with her again for staring and went on for hours. Which she has the tendency to do. But she also told me that she wants to come stay with us. Which I knew was you know a possibility and before we let her back a probability. But now it just feels so frustrating because. Its not our own place then. We don't/won't have the privacy I want and need. I still will be dealing with the same issues. The same uncomfortable feeling just in a new place. I was really really hoping that you know she would just move into our old bedroom and we could truly be on our own. Everyone would be set. She would have a roof, and food, shelter. But we would be on our own. It's my dream. Finally we were getting somewhere. We made it. We were gonna be on our own. Then maybe he would quit playing and make me a wife and a mother. But it feels like we will never get there and that's devastating to me. All i want is to be married to my best friend and raise our child together. But he expressed that it wasn't gonna happen until we are out on our own and that's not gonna happen until we are 40. And by then I'll be too old to have a child and my dreams will be crushed. This is absolutely terrible. And I am on lunch at work. I have to go back in to work and pretend I'm okay. And I have to go home to my partner and pretend I'm not dying inside. Yeah yeah I know. I am being dramatic. I'm just venting. But this is our life. This is my happiness. If she comes. She ain't never leaving. We will never get married. I won't be a wife and a mother. Which I was meant for. I was born to take care of, to nurture. Have I been that bad of a person? To not get what I so desperately want? Need even? Now I'm depressed. I thought venting would make me feel better but I feel worse. Hooray.