#but i‘m just repressing the ever loving hell out of that | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

theymadeitlh28 · 4 years ago

Text

I am convinced Cas knew about Dean’s feelings for him. He almost confessed twice. The first time Dean said „I need you“ and not in the „hey, man I need you to heal me after hunts“ but in the „I need you in my life bc of you, bc you are my best friend and I don’t want to go on without you“ kinda way. The way he said it the second time almost sounded like „I love you“ bc of the way he pronounced it, bc of the intonation, and that is what snapped Cas out of it. (They cut it out of the original script bc they felt that Dean would not say I love you this early. He hadn’t even said it to his brother only to his mother in the dream he had bc of the ghoul. But the fact that it was intended to be I love you gives the I need you even more meaning) However it didn’t go as he hoped he would bc Dean never mentioned it again, kept calling him buddy. So he doubted his thoughts and kept his feelings to himself, afraid to push Dean away.

Dean’s second almost confession happened 6 seasons later. Dean’s prayer. „I‘m sorry it took me so long to say it“ is not only about the forgiveness. Prayers are not always spoken out loud, we don’t know if he added anything in silence, all though I don’t think so. Dean didn’t say I love you there, maybe because he thought Cas deserved to hear it when he was standing right in front of him and not through a prayer he isn’t sure Cas could even hear. So when he finally found Cas you could see determination on his face. I believe he wanted to tell him then and there. And when he started with „Cas, I need to say something“ and Cas interrupted him he was confused and devastated, but he respected Cas decision. He didn’t push after „I heard your prayer“. Maybe he also was relieved for the diversion bc he is emotionally repressed and he is not the character who says I love you lighthearted, maybe he also thought that Cas doesn’t reciprocate and this time it’s Dean who is afraid to bring it up, afraid to risk their friendship. But Cas knew he had to stop him bc if not he would have been happy. It would not have mattered that the world was ending bc he would have been truly happy and he couldn’t risk it, so he interrupted Dean.

The last time it is Cas who confessed bc he hasn’t got anything to lose. He could only win bc even if he is gone he had saved Dean and the all of the others. But he already knows Dean loves him, he is almost certain he does. (The actors changes the script here a few times.) After the „I love you“ Dean said „Don’t do it, Cas“ (Script said Cass). He doesn’t look like he is disgusted that his best friend is confessing his love to him, no he is afraid. Yes, he is shocked and surprised and can’t say it back therefore. He is after all still an emotionally repressed character. But his „Don’t do it“ is a plea for Cas to not go there. It’s a don’t tell me you love me to then leave me alone, don’t give me all I wished for and then take it away before I can get a say in it. It’s a longing for Cas to take it back just so that he won’t leave him again. Dean knows what life felt without Cas and he pleads that Cas won’t put him through that again. But it’s to late and he knows this too, so when Cas pulles him on while saying „Good bye, Dean“ he wants to ask him something, you can hear the „What..“ that hangs in the air. You see that he is too shocked to do anything but expects something at the same time, maybe a kiss, maybe a hug, anything at all but not being pushed out of the way. He crumbles as he watches Cas being taken by the Empty and you can see that in that moment he is numb. He looks around for him and when he realizes that this was Goodbye forever, he breaks. At this exact moment Dean’s world ended. Outside of the walls he was leaning against was his brother, his son who needed his help but he had no fight in him. He ignores Sam’s call and he had never done this before. This man lost the love of his life in that moment and simultaneously the reason for him to fight.

Another big thing is that Dean seems happy in the final episode. We know he was always devastated when Cas was dead. A walking meat suit so to say. Dean is the best hunter with Sam together, he never made a mistake that was so banal that he overlooked a screw he saw more than once during the fight. He knows how to take on a bigger persona, a stronger monster than him, he knows not to launch himself at it, so why did he. Psychological speaking, a person who is keen on dying makes peace a few days prior with their decision, appeares calm, happy and content; suicidal or not, taking their own lives or dying bc of a letal disease. This is what I see in the last episode. Dean knew his brother was finally happy, had someone in his life to look after him when he would be gone, but he wasn’t. He was numb, he had no reason to life. He had no son on earth, his purpose in saving the world was fulfilled. He couldn’t retire bc then he would have nothing. He had no one waiting for him at home bc the one thing he wants is the one thing he can’t have. In Dean‘s mind Cas is gone forever and most of the people who are most important to him are in heaven. Dean wanted to die. There is no other explanation as for why Jack didn’t send Cas to heal him or did it himself. It’s why Dean asked his brother to tell him it’s ok, so he knows Sam will be able to get over his death instead of telling him to get help. And Sam knows bc he doesn’t tell him to hold it together, to keep fighting till he gets help. No, Sam pleads to Dean not to go just like Dean pleaded that Cas won’t leave him. When Dean arrived in heaven he was content, he wasn’t happy yet, he was relieved. „At least I made it to heaven“ is so important here bc it is common sense that suicide is a sin, that people that take their own life go to hell. Dean hoped that by dying in an accident he would bypass this fact even if he provoked the accident. He is also surprised about the changes made in heaven that his kid , as Bobby said. You can see his face fall for a minute when Bobby mentions his Dad, like he is afraid he disappointed his father by becoming the person he was, maybe even by falling in love with a gay angel. The moment Bobby mentions that Cas helped Jack Dean smiled, smirked even bc his plan not only worked but bc his dream came true. He had his Cas back, or at least Cas was alive and he could see him. „It’s almost perfect“, what did he mean by this. Was he talking about Sam only or was he missing something else too. Bobby then tells him he can have anything he wants anything he wishes for and Dean gulps. He diverts Bobby‘s questions about what he is gonna do about it just like he always did when someone mentioned his feelings for Cas on earth, but then his face falls on baby and he seems determined. He answers „I think I‘ll go for a drive“ casually but his face is not the face of someone who just wants to take a stroll through heaven. His face is the face of someone who is determined to get something done. Call me delusional but I think Dean took that car to go and find Cas. To finally tell him that he loves him too. To get everything he ever wished for and bc that means all of them happy he meats Sam on his way, maybe after he went to see Cas and Jack, maybe before. But Dean decided to take his car to a specific location, he was determined when deciding to go for a drive. We don’t get to see Cas and Dean reuniting, but we all know that for Dean to be truly happy he needs not only Sam but also Cas. And as Bobby said You can have all you wish for, we know that Dean got to have Castiel.

#destiel #supernatural finale #confession #dean loves him back #heaven #deancas #castiel #my interpretation

27 notes · View notes

cassiavioletblue · 5 years ago

Text

With you, always

♡ Pairing: Yoongi x Jungkook ♡ Genre: Fluff/ Romance, just a tiny hint of angst ♡ Words: 3k ♡ Disclaimer: nothing, even if it’s one of my solo stories it’s sweet, I promise ;)

♡ Crossposted on Ao3 here

Yoongi and Jungkook were close. The closest you could be. It had always been like that because they had grown up together. Even though Jungkook couldn’t remember the first day they had met because he had been too young Yoongi remembered; he could see it before his eyes as if it had been yesterday; that small boy running on the playground, chasing a bird or a bug or his own thoughts and then suddenly falling. Yoongi had expected the typical screaming and crying that normally followed right after at that age and had been utterly surprised when he had found the little kid biting his lip in concentration instead, his eyes teary but head held stubbornly high as if he refused to let falling get him down. Then he had looked around to see if anyone had noticed his fall and their eyes had locked. Jungkook froze – and then broke into laughter. Yoongi was gone for him since that very day.

They had become best friends in lighting speed. He had been watching over Jungkook ever since, watching him grow and change from the headstrong little child into an even more defiant teenager. They rarely fought but when they did it got heated and Yoongi found himself wondering more than once where the hell Jungkook got his energy from. Though somehow they always ended up together again on the same day and if it had been really bad then Kook asked him if he could stay the night and sneaked into bed with him. Moving in together honestly had been a logical decision as they spent most of the time together anyway.

And Yoongi was glad that he could be there when Kook was coming home after a night out with his school friends, drunk or high like a kite when he had tried something for the first (and last) time. He held his head over the toilet in the bathroom and was there with a cool, wet cloth to clean him up when he collapsed. He never had to explicitly tell Kook that he would be there for him no matter what because it was just a fundamental rule of their friendship that none of them questioned.

Until Yoongi noticed that his heart behaved strangely whenever he was close to Kook and that jealousy, something he’s never had a problem with before, slowly sneaked its way into his mind whenever Kook was out too often with the same person or slept over at someone’s place where Yoongi wasn’t sure if they were friends or… more. He never voiced his thoughts though. He wouldn’t burden Jungkook with something vile like that. Despite being all grown up now the younger was still so open and pure-minded. He could be really determined, was hard working and a force to be reckoned with when he was driven by something but underneath all his strength and grown-up-behavior he was still so child-like sometimes that Yoongi’s heart ached with it. Like when he got frustrated after losing a game and started pouting without even realizing it or when he was laughing so much that his nose scrunched up and his eyes got that sparkle – he was too good for this world, too pure. And Yoongi feared the day he would be hurting in a way that he couldn‘t soothe and a band aid couldn’t heal. He was dreading the moment that Jungkook would get a taste of what it felt like to love and get his heart broken by it. And he refused to ever burden the younger with his own feelings for him. So he carefully locked them away, promising himself that he would never ever act on them no matter what.

It got harder though the older Jungkook got and when it became obvious that he had a thing for boys as well, just like Yoongi had – or one single boy to be precise. His feelings hadn’t changed but he felt more guilty for it now as Jungkook had matured enough to be actually interested in relationships.

It felt wrong to feel so attracted to him, to want him with every fiber of his being. He wanted all of him, his mind, his gentle soul – but every time he felt his mind slipping into adult territory he stopped it right there. They had grown up with each other, they where as close as family which made Jungkook practically his younger sibling and Yoongi felt sick to his stomach every time he tried to remind himself of that while he ached to touch him and hold him and get a taste of his sweet, sweet lips.. Jungkook was off limits. He of all people was the last one who should get close to Kookie in that way. He was fucked up and scarred and messed up and he would undoubtedly ruin Jungkook’s soft heart if he let the other see what his affection could mean. It had come to the point that he was very strict about how much affection he gave Jungkook and how, to make sure that there was absolutely no way he treated him inappropriately – not realizing that by restricting himself so much and turning away from the other he made the younger long for his praise and affection even more. A single word from Yoongi could make him smile like the sun was shining out of his eyes – or let his hopes fall apart with a dismissive head shake and a frown.

They kinda argue a lot and when Jungkook stayed out more and more and whenever he kept away from him for longer than usual Yoongi’s heart ached. But he endured it, was almost glad that it would be like this now because it meant Jungkook wouldn’t rely on him so much anymore and maybe if he saw that Kook had found someone that truly loved him, then maybe his feelings would go away. Deep down he knew that he was lying to himself but he still held onto this thought as tightly as he could.

He never tried to lecture Jungkook or keep him from making his own decisions because he thought the more independent he got the better – until he got a text from a friend saying that the younger was at this party he was a little too inexperienced for and that he was a little too drunk and that Yoongi should come get him because it was looking as if Jungkook was waiting for a free room upstairs and this wasn’t how someone should have sex for the first time.

Yoongi was out of the door in a second, keys in hand, not caring that his clothes were worn out and he himself a mess. He might have ignored a speed limit or two and when he pulled up at the driveway he was out of breath as if he had run all the way when in reality he had just sat in the car, unmoving, hands gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white while hoping that he wasn’t too late and that Jungkook wasn’t lying in some random bedroom together with a random stranger; with his mind dulled and his clothes off.

He rushes in, with Namjoon already waiting for him and telling him that Jungkook had been successful in getting a room just a few minutes ago, ignoring Namjoon’s carefully voiced words. Yoongi doesn’t even wait for him to finish his sentence before he’s up the stairs. He disturbs two other couples and doesn’t give a damn about it before he finally finds Kook. Time comes to a halt for a moment and his heart with it. Jungkook is lying on the bed with a man above him who is half naked and kissing the breath from his lips. They look beautiful together – and Yoongi wants to scream because it still feels so utterly wrong. Jungkook turns when the man stops kissing him at the intrusion and Yoongi can see him flinch hard when their eyes met.

“Y..yoongi? What are you doing here?”

‘I came here to stop you from having sex because I love you and I can’t stand the thought of you fooling around with someone you don’t love while you’re drunk and don’t know what you’re doing’ isn’t exactly what Yoongi can tell him so he just says that he’s here to come pick him up because he’s drunk and he shouldn’t be here in the first place because parties like this aren’t for boys like him and that apparently was the wrong thing to say because Jungkook’s eyes come ablaze and he pushes the man off of him (which Yoongi’s heart likes a lot) and then cruelly laughs at him (which he doesn’t like) The man tries to calm Jungkook down and his gestures are soft and his touches seem as if he knows Kook more closely and Yoongi isn’t sure if that makes it better or worse now.

„I‘m Twenty one, Yoongi. Twenty one! You can‘t tell me what to do! You can‘t..can‘t expect me to not look for someone else when you so obviously don‘t want me!“

They all stare at each other in a mixture of shock and too many overwhelming emotions, in Yoongi’s case he feels like he had just taken a blow to the gut. Jungkook’s voice is angry, so very angry but also full of hidden tears and it broke audibly in midst of his little speech. His eyes however are still ablaze and Yoongi feels like watching a storm, too wild and messed up and beautiful. He knew that he would lose him eventually even if he tried to repress that knowledge. If he turned around and left him now then the door between them would close, figuratively and literally and Jungkook would soothe his broken heart in the arms of someone else, someone he probably didn‘t love but would give his body to, just to get rid of his pain and his innocence. The fear eats at him and paralyzes his tongue while he looks at the younger who is still shaking with anger and something more. He knows so little about the darkness inside of Yoongi and it isn‘t fair! It isn‘t fair to decide now for him but he doesn‘t want him to do something that he might forever regret. So he swallows hard, choking down his pride and his fear and everything else tat keep hindering him in the process and reaches out for him.

„Jungkook..Kookie..please..“

His fingers are twitching in mid air because he feels horribly exposed and.. and everything inside of him tells him that this is wrong but there is no turning back now if he wants Jungkook to understand.

„It‘s not that I don‘t want you, it‘s.. Kookie, you don‘t even know how much I love you. I just don‘t wanna hurt you. I can‘t.. I couldn‘t… You mean so much more to me than my desires, you..Please, let me talk to you. Let us talk this out. Don‘t do this out of spite or hurt while you’re intoxicated. Please.“

He tries to block out the other person who is still standing besides Jungkook, hearing every word he says while he is spilling his heart, making himself way, way too vulnerable for his liking. Jungkook remains silent, then he turns and puts his arms around the other guy. It looks as if he has made his decision and the stab in Yoongi‘s heart was to be expected but he is still overwhelmed with how much it hurts and how easily it steals his breath away. Yoongi is shaking and he thinks how he can leave Jungkook alone now when he knows what’s about to happen, when he knows that Jungkook’s first time will be like this but he doesn’t have a choice really and so he is about to retreat, thinking that this is it and that Jungkook will hate him now - when he realizes that Jungkook wasn‘t just hugging the other but actually talking to him, quietly whispering words into his ear that Yoongi wasn‘t supposed to hear. The other nods curtly, lips pressed into a thin line while he listens to what Jungkook is telling him. With a tight hug and a last look that sends daggers Yoongi’s way the other walks past Yoongi to grab his shirt and leaves the two of them alone. Yoongi stares at Jungkook who is smiling a little, something bittersweet and insecure, but soft. The storm from before has passed, leaving him looking as young and sweet as before. „Okay. Then let‘s talk.“

However Jungkook has had too much alcohol too think clearly and it’s still in his system so they both decided that it would be better to sleep it off and do the talking tomorrow. Just like it would be better to to just let the turmoil inside of Yoongi simmer down too. Still it felt like the sun was smiling down on him when he was allowed to take Jungkook‘s hand and guide the other one out of here. The younger didn‘t seem interested in the party at all any more, following him like a lamb through the crowd, attention solely on him and with that little smile on his lips that made him look too kissable for Yoongi‘s liking. He knew he should just leave it at that but he couldn’t, a thorn still securely hooked in his chest that he couldn’t just ignore so he asked as casually as he could (while horribly failing at it)

„Who was that guy? Will he give you a hard time because I interrupted you?“

Yoongi couldn‘t help but squeeze Jungkook’s hand tighter as a reminder that he was here with him now while they walked out the door and looked for his car.

„Nah, don‘t worry. He‘s a friend. He wasn‘t some random guy from the party, we know each other from dance practice and he agreed on.. on doing me that favor. He won‘t be mad that I made up my mind. He wasn‘t pushing me or anything. He actually...“ Jungkook bit his lip, looking a little lost when he broke off but he seemed to pull himself out of his thoughts pretty quickly and turned towards Yoongi, smile back in place. „Doesn‘t matter now. Are you gonna take me home or not?“

They were both tired, the kind of tired that didn‘t came from not-sleeping but was accompanied by exhaustion from too many emotions rushing through your body all at once. That threatening emptiness he had felt when he had been only a hairs breadth away from losing everything right before his eyes – Yoongi could still feel it lingering in his bones. His eyes flickered back to Jungkook as a reminder that he was really home now while the younger was busy kicking off his shoes and visibly struggling, maybe from the alcohol, maybe from exhaustion. He was with him. He was safe.

„I‘m.. I think I‘m gonna sleep on the couch tonight“, he said, trying to keep his voice as stable and nonchalant as possible. But Jungkook wasn‘t having it. „Don‘t do that.“ Even with his back towards him the other could still hear the frown in his voice. „Do what?“ he asked, practically squirming under Jungkook‘s blunt words. „Don‘t withdraw yourself from me again the second we are alone. I won‘t ask you to be all touchy-feely with me right away. Just please don‘t leave me alone now. You could.. I don‘t know, maybe..hug me?“ His voice had gotten more and more quiet towards the end until he sounded so small and insecure that it hurt Yoongi‘s heart. As if the younger still thought this wasn‘t more than a temporary situation for them, with Yoongi only opening up to him for a moment while knowing he would close himself off again before the night was over. He finished getting out of his jacket and put it onto the couch before turning wordlessly and stepping closer until he was right in front of Jungkook. His heart beat thundered in his chest and although Kookie had been the one who initiated it his widened eyes and quickened breath told Yoongi that even he wasn‘t sure how to react. Ignoring his own fears wasn‘t easy but Jungkook had shown so much trust in him tonight, opening up and going with him so easily that giving into his wish was the least he could do. Besides it wasn‘t as if he hadn‘t wanted to do this...for quite a while. So he placed his hand at the small of the younger‘s back and in between his shoulder blades while pulling him in, holding him securely against his own body. The first few second felt strange and awkward but then Jungkook melted into his embrace and somehow their arms found their way around each so naturally as if their bodies were made to fit. Like a puzzle. Yoongi would have scoffed at that cliche thought if he hadn‘t been so busy enjoying the other’s warmth. It felt so good to have him close like this, as if suddenly his chest had expanded and he could breathe more easily. Jungkook had leaned his head against his shoulder and closed his eyes, the embodiment of trust.. „Thank you.“, he whispered and he sounded so thankful, so full of affection that Yoongi couldn‘t help but turn his head and place a little kiss onto his head. Just barely there. And still Jungkook had noticed.

-`♥´-

P.S.

They work it out even though it takes more than one “talking session” to do so. The first time they kiss Yoongi thinks he’s found heaven. And Jimin – the guy who has been with Jungkook at that party – is the first to comment on how Jungkook has never looked so happy. He also threatens that if Yoongi is ever going to be an ‘asshole that closes himself off again’ he’s going to snatch Kook away from right under his nose (while withholding that there was never more than friendship between them)

#Look at me posting a fic - on TUMBLR O.o #sugakookie of course #my one and only :3 #have fun reading #also THANKS FOR THE TITLE softjeon :3 #mywriting

11 notes · View notes