#but i was told if i didnt follow this i would be denied hrt

[chikinan]

I think my frustration with being unable to properly maintain a basic routine is kind of peaking and I'm about to go into breakdown territory. May be offline for a few days.

[credulouscanidae]

i think. it's because i got denied an appointment to start hrt again despite giving all the history + diagnosis. nhs isnt going to help me. i had a massive breakdown about that. i was told i need to send the docs, sent them off couple weeks before christmas, sent a follow up email as i didnt get a reply back early jan, then called up asking for an update, only to be told that they apparently sent a letter to my old gp about denying me an appt. and then got all indignant when i asked for a copy of the letter -about me-. couldnt even acknowledge my 3 emails i had sent them over the month. nah, all my medical future gets decided without my input or autonomy. such is the case with the nhs i hear. that was....the week before? idk time is getting lost on me.

then within the same week i get indirectly told that i didnt get the job i was really riding on getting, at the place i volunteer. i was hyped up about volunteers having a higher chance by the workers there. radio silence for months. get told by one of the workers at break "oh btw im sorry you didnt get the job". despite...despite asking for a follow up about my outcome, and being assured that i would get a yes or no answer, because "they follow up with everyone who has an interview whether you got the job or not".

me from a year ago wouldve been disappointed, but probably couldve picked up from that and be reassured. the me now? cant bounce back. clearly im not worth having these opportunities. im not worth having a job at the place ive been at for9 months, and instead they hire 2 completely new people to the organisation. i wasnt even runner up.

i miss my old self. i am a fat disgusting estrogen-ridden husk of my former self.

i miss working. it fucked me up in a lot of ways, but it kept me fit, busy, occupied, and productive.

i miss connection and talking to people. god, i miss it every day. and the only solution to it is to challenge myself. but it's so fucking easy to give up and resign to the fact that no one cares or id be a bother or i deserve to be alone. how the fuck are you meant to be convinced to even instigate convo when thats all that goes through your head?

while im not making any effort to end my life, im sure as hell also not doing anything to preserve it. i feel like im going to snap some point soon. i feel more and more unhinged every time i have a breakdown, like i am so rotted from the inside that i can barely hold myself together anymore. my foundations are collapsing. i had a breakdown mid last week and i still feel hungover. my body itches and jitters all over.

cant even do my dog grooming properly. im not confident nor experienced enough, but im too scared to take abreak from it because i know that's just the mental illness talking and i should just suck it up and pull through. i could if i tried.

but the problem is i cant find a reason to try.

i feel like a sim. like a simulation just going through the ropes, making the body movements that constitute a behaviour. but im not actually doing them. i barely comprehended that i made dinner last night, it kinda...spawned. bangers and mash it was. first cooked meal in a long time. beats whatever frozen thing i shove into the oven.

i get up, have breakfast, pass the time and just eat whenever i feel hungry, and before i know it, it's time to sleep. every day blurs into one.

i know this all sounds melodramatic but it's how i feel. i hate myself for only being able to express my misery through dumb tumblr posts hidden under readmores. thats not the way to get help. i want help, and i know i need it. but that requires me to believe that i am worth saving.

but i am not worth saving.

if this is what life has to be then i dont know.

i just. wish i could feel like things will be okay one day. that there is an end to this.

im going to bed.

it's been a. weird past 7 days or so.