#but i was also trying to reel in my excitement bc i didnt want to get coky

[ikeasharksss]

3 finals down. 2 to go.

1 final down. 4 to go

[campgender]

Yes! Just! Like oh good lord, jesus, yes! Ik u havent even had time 2 respond 2 the rest of my ask (understandable, I am Also nothin if not long winded), & here Im already adding more 2 the pile, but! Ok I didnt wanna like, b 2 presumptuous abt exactly Y it felt like we’re parallel (waves! Hi!) but I also totally was thinkin abt stuff like ‘Im subby af & I think its 4 sure A Factor cuz idk abt Mac but I get the feeling ze is decidedly Less So’ & then u said high femmedom & it was like yes! 1/4

Hello! (Sidenote, ace/stone/sub/bottom combo means I took a Comically long time 2 figure out that those 1st 2 traits werent just extensions of the 2nd 2 lol) Stone resonance, I love that, omigosh. & I think thats exactly where the parallel gets so interesting, w/ the allergy friendly cake (ur talking 2 a fellow ‘I cant eat anything’ celiac here), cuz that ‘Asking 2 much’,

4 me its like, I feel like Im still v much reeling & relishing in the freedom/fear mix of like, submissive acts ofservice r still Acts Of Service & u can b uncomfy w/ them, or even just U Can B Uncomfy W/ Shit, Period, like w/o the need 2 ‘Make up 4 it’, so the idea of sum1 getting off on those boundaries is like, not Bad, but it feels like it kinda undercuts these still v new & healing ideas 4 me, ykno? Like I need it 2 b ok even when no 1 is conveniently in2 it.

& ofc this is me talking on a personal level, like I absolutely Get wanting ppl 2 b in2 it & I love that 4 u, omg. <3 Also that last paragraph, holy shit, I want that, like, on a shirt or embroidered on smth, omg. If this is a disease I sure hope its sexually transmitted, I mean goddamn! Hopefully Im not monopolizing ur inbox lol, but u continue 2 b a poet & a delight. <3 -Baby

omg thank youuu this was, as always, lovely to receive & truly so so validating. that’s the first time anyone has said i have dom vibes & it genuinely makes me tear up 🥺💓💓 also omg stone celiac solidarity!!! <33 that’s so exciting & truly makes me feel like someone out there Gets It

i absolutely feel & affirm smashing the perceived need to “make up for” something to smithereens, that makes a ton of sense & definitely resonates with feelings / needs from a given sexual interaction that i kinda fluctuate in & out of these days. i’m proud of you for doing your best to honor yourself & your boundaries & wish you so much love on this journey!!

& tyyy omg, you’re a delight & i appreciate hearing your thoughts & experiences so much!! also thrilled you appreciated my high femmedom verbiage lol, a fun mac fact is my favorite porn genre in my early 20s was vids that involved a woman getting a guy off without touching him, particularly cbt & getting off on her shoe. & now i’m looking back at that like babe u were sooo oblivious oh my god

like so much of my sexual journey rn is looking at my past self & zyr desires & being like “guess what, you can just do that.” it’s a process that’s baffling + frustrating + deeply pleasurable, & i’m interested to see what other connections remain for me to make. i’ve been keeping a journal of sorts to try to trace these themes with the hope of doing more of what i enjoy in my life

a different thought i’ve been turning over lately & wanted to share with you is how my particular experience of stone + domming + disability troubles the concept of what it means to top someone. like, guys have told me how to fuck myself & i’ve told people how to fuck themselves, & the former were tops or vers who considered that an act of topping me whereas i’m high femme, & the only difference is they wanted it to be their cock rather than my toy whereas i wouldn’t want anything different if i was with someone in person.

so it’s like, is the fantasy what constructs this act differently? the omnipresence of my boundaries? i don’t think there’s a single answer, it’s just fascinating. obv some people don’t consider virtual sex acts to be fucking at all, which i love how my disability + stone + denial challenges bc again, i can fuck someone without touching them in person, too lol

as always thank you for so much food for thought + sense of community!! hope ur doing well, all the best to you 💓💓

[viriyanon]

that one (or two) #jesusreference that i absolutely love from ep 15

today i officially throw all my biases away and admit that tdj's approach towards finale is super delicious. this episode is the real definition of chef kiss. making the antagonist step on the almighty protagonist an episode before finale? other-worldly. "killing" both yohan and gaon without touching any of them? show-stopping. #jesusreference throughout the episode like hansel and gretel's bread crumbs? love it. this is the first drama that successfully reels me back to my early excitement and anticipation, after those two dreadful episodes full of tug of war, uncertainty, and pessimism.

i kinda had seen it that kang yohan would not actually back down after min jungho and kim gaon's press con. (talking about min jungho i really want to know this man's background) he's always on the civilians' side, never leaving them from his consideration. although it seems like he's pulling a pontius pilate (damn, another #jesusreference), shifting the power of his decision to his people in the name of democracy, it's not entirely wrong. theoretically, it is democracy that we all wished for but couldn't achieve. for the sake of law and order and quick process. but really, it made me question myself again, who are those people to decide that progress should be quick? that the democratic process to reach a consensus must be done in several days, weeks, months? well, i'll get back to this very very later.

then at one point, during yohan's quarrel with gaon in his office, a thought flashed in my head. i used to... question myself, what kind of madness a kang yohan is? what makes his monstrosity more tolerable than jung sunah, cha kyunghee, heo jungse, and their gang, even the jukchang and madame chacha's son? yohan also manipulated people, caused casualties, beat up people, and almost shot a bus driver. even though it's for a good purpose but what is good and what is bad is always subjective to the owner's moral sense. then, it came out clear to me.

"ah.... kang yohan is not a monster. he is a child."

it appeared to me that yohan's childishness didnt stop at his endless bicker with elijah and his pouty pout whenever gaon pulled him out of his tough turtle's shell. he was trying to bring down all hell that these powerful evils created with his childlike mind.

when he said he's just providing "the quick way", and he apologized for all the accusations min jungho threw to him, and the mass didn't give up on him, it clicked. when he was mad at gaon for calling him a monster, and insisted that he's just giving "the quick way" for the poor and oppressed in this corrupted society. it freaking clicked.

kang yohan, people's guardian angel, was a child in a middle-aged man's body. look back to the day he killed the bird for the girl. he SAW fear in the girl's eyes (thats why dont be an overdramatic bitch) and immediately responded to it. he lived with fear every single day without knowing the safe solution to it. he knew how it felt to be very scared and noone stood up for you. so he "killed" the source of fear for the girl.

but then? his friends couldn't understand it. hell, even his teacher just spacedive into conclusion. i assume they didnt even call his dad to resolve the situation. cus it'd be no avail with his jackass dad. plus, self-righteous brother, ignorant maid, and psychopathic same-age maid. young yohan who was not well cared and taught to be empathetic had his character building imperfect and impeded.

im not a psychologist cant really talk abt it but i felt like kang yohan was pictured as a child who was responding to the world, well, in his child way. this reminded me of thag one verse from Matthew about having an innocence of a child. it goes like:

He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

that's why kang yohan placed himself among the poor people, giving justice to the wronged and weak ones. that's why no matter how cruel the accusations he received, he still could humbly admit it and everyone supported him. it's cus yohan was seen and depicted by the writer as a child.

he was like a little boy who hadn't known abt bureaucracy and the nook and crannies of this crooked world, encouraging him to take the dark, quicker alleyway. generally, children are innocent and simple. by opening a live court, he quickly took an action and solved a problem without much complication. therefore, his straightforward approach was more favourable than other formal courts. but some people thought he was being a barbarian.

when he asked gaon to let go soohyun to be able to finish their goal, it felt like a baby's babble. "i want this car toy, i dont want other toy! if you dont buy me this toy, i wont eat." smtg like that.

soohyun needed to be avoided bcs she didnt know anything abt yohan while yohan's just executing his plan that only gaon knew. the people surrounding yohan didnt try to understand yohan too and could possibly mislead her. with soohyun giving gaon false information abt yohan while theyre working tgt, their goal could fail as the judge had to reassure gaon over and over.

lastly, the thing that differentiate yohan and other antagonists is yohan didn't kill, even in the heat of the moment. because the "child" in him knew killing wasnt acceptable and a child usually doesn't have the mean to hurt others completely even until die, unless there are other factors. while those antagonists, their dirty works must consisted of killing one or two men. and that's why they're the real monsters. yohan was a guardian angel that has a monstrous facade.

and he couldn't be understood by the "older" people (gaon, soohyun, the maid, elijah is just another baby, min jungho, the devil gang) bcs he was simply a child who was extra careful to handpick the person he could trust his little secret to. and gaon was the only person who could do that.

[sicprowl]

Death by Chocolate

Dimitri and Cute Byleth stuff - bc why not?

“What the heck are you wearing?!”

Dimitri frowned, glancing down at his pristine white outfit with black trim, gold buttons, and matching blue and white cape.  Even his long hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, something he’d been proud of.

The nine year old couldn’t help but panic and clutch his novelty bag close, “I-It’s my costume!”

Sylvain blinked, his fake fangs peeking out from his upper lip.  "Yeah, I can see that!  But what are you supposed to be?!“

The red headed vampire guffawed only for Ingrid to stomp on his foot.  She then smacked him out of the way with her Valkyrie shield, “I think you look great Dimitri.”

That seemed to ease the young boy, “T-Thank you.  El helped me pick it out.”

Now it was Sylvain’s turn to be unsure, “Edelgard?  Your step-sister?”

Ingrid punched him with her shield again and gave the blond an approving nod.  "It’s great that you two are getting along.  Getting a new family is…tough.“

Dimitri didn’t reply, not needing to be told how hard it’d been when his father married her mother.  The boy had been excited to get a sibling, but all his interactions with said girl made him think she didn’t want anything to do with him.

"Where is Ms. Imperial Princess?”

“She’s with Hubert,” Dimitri answered as Ingrid hissed at him to stop it.  "They left the house before I was done getting ready…“

"All, tall dark and Snape-y.”  Sylvain snickered, earning another hit in the gut - only this time from an arriving Felix.

“Would you stop acting like an idiot?”  The shorter boy snarled while crossing his arms, “You’re embarrassing!”

Sylvain gave his friend an extra toothy grin, “Says the boy dressed up like Leonardo.”

“I’m a NINJA!  Not a ninja turtle!!”

The boys sniped at each other while they left Dimitri’s house and joined the many costumed kids filing around outside.  The sun was still out, so a lot of the younger kids were walking with parents or in large groups - much like their own.  It was going to be crowded like this for a while considering they were one of the better neighborhoods.  

Three words.  King sized bars.

“Is Dedue going to trick or treat with us?”  

Dimtri smiled at Ingrid, “Y-Yes.  He’s got to do something first, but he said he’d meet up with us soon.”

“I’m surprised he’s coming at all,” Sylvain shrugged as they came to the second house.  "Trick or treating might be too childish for him.“

"Says the eldest of the group,” Felix sniffed disapprovingly while Sylvain looked affronted.

“Hey!  I’m just trying to enjoy my last Halloween!”  The vampire grinned and flipped his hair, “I’m getting older after all - and I can’t spend next year looking for candy.  Not unless there’s a girl involved.”

Felix and Ingrid looked disgusted and made fun of the red head as they continued down the line of houses, bags growing heavy with treats and the occasional peppermint.  Decorations both cute and scary greeted them at each house - along with the occasional dad who thought he was scary enough to frighten some kids.  They didn’t mind if it, not if it meant more candy if they played along.

It was an hour later when the sun was already halfway past the horizon, most of the younger kids already going home for the night or visiting their last few houses.  Now the streets were littered with kids thier age and preteens like Sylvain, clinging to their last night of childhood before they focused on things like sports and awkward dating.

Dimitri didnt’ look forward to that, not when his mind was already reeling with nervousness.

Not when they were nearing the house.

“Whoa, look at this place!”  Sylvain pointed, “I think it’s the creepy place behind your house, Dimitri!”

“S-Shush!”  The blond whispered urgently, wide eyes staring at the old manor with panic.  "You’re being rude!“

But Sylvain continued to talk loudly, noting that the place was probably the oldest manor in the neighborhood.  With run down shingles, shabby siding, dirty panels and creaky steps that could wake the dead.  The windows were dirty, or foggy, Dimitri wasn’t sure.  The front yard was slightly overrun with weeds, boxwood bushes that looked like lumpy meatballs and a driveway full of cracks that were need of serious repair.

Felix gave the shabby home the side eye.  "Does anyone even live there?”

“Y-Yes,” Dimitri replied with a soft voice, his gaze looking around for something or someone.

“Whoa, really!?”  Sylvain’s smile grew, “Do you think it’s haunted?  Is the guy living there creepy?  Does he stare at you from his windows?”

“N-No!”  His head whipped around on his friend, affronted.  "The family that lives here is very polite-“

But Sylvain ignored him, already walking towards the creepy home.  Even the sight of other kids avoiding it wasn’t enough to deter him - which only made Dimitri begin to panic.

"W-Wait!”  The Prince grabbed his friend’s arm, but he was looking around wildly.  "We can’t!“

"Huh?  Why not?”

Dimitri blushed, suddenly nervous as everyone began to stare, “B-Because…  Because-!”

“I’m sorry I’m late,” A new voice piped in and they all turned.

“Dedue!”

Oh thank the Goddess!

Dimitr couldn’t help but feel relief at seeing his loyal friend who was…dressed as a cowboy?  The group eyed his button up shirt, jeans with carpet sewn on the sides, leather boots and  spurs, and brown leather hat placed neatly on his head.  Sylvain would have laughed at how serious Dedue looked in his not-so-serious costume if he didn’t already know the boy could knock him into next week.  The fact that the dark skinned boy acted like nothing was wrong was enough to make Dimitri feel better about his own costume.

“Took you long enough,” Felix scowled with a point of his plastic sword.  "You missed half the houses already.“

"Apologies.  The bakery was busy and my family needed the extra help.”

Felix huffed, accepting the explanation while Sylvain gestured towards the run down house with his thumb.  "All right, let’s go, let’s go!  I wanna see what kind of candy this place has!“

"If they have any at all,” Felix muttered as he walked with the vampire, Ingrid following after them.

Dedue and Dimitri stood still, the blond’s body fidgeting with nervous energy while the tall cowboy looked down at him, silent.

“Did…Is it done?”

His face felt scorching hot when Dedue nodded, pulling a wrapped bundle from inside his pocket.  "Yes.  It set before I had to leave.“

Dimitri let out a breath of relief, wanting to open the foil and look at his personal creation, but was also too afraid to see it.

"T-Thank you,” he smiled while taking the item, cradling it in his hands like it were precious.  "I really appreciate your help with this…I wasn’t sure…“

Dedue placed his hand on the blond’s shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze and tiny smile.  No words were said, but the look that passed between them was enough.

Gathering up his courage, the Prince gave his friend a nod before they walked up to the house where Sylvain was repeatedly ringing the doorbell.

"Hmmm, maybe no one’s home?”  

Ingrid glared and smacked his hand away from the button, just in time as the front door to open and an adult greet them with a gruff hello.  All but Dedue paled at the sight of the messy haired man, eyes blearly from what could only be from a heavy sleep.  No one said anything as he ran a hand through his honey brown hair while looking down at them.

“Trick or treat?”  Sylvain smiled, bag out hesitantly.

The man blinked, clearly confused as he looked at the boy before he cursed under his breath, hand rubbing his chin.

“Shit.  Is it Halloween?”

Sylvain lowered his bag while the others showed varying degrees of disappointment on their faces.  The man mumbled out an apology, tired eyes watching as the kids talked about the next house as they turned to leave.  Then his gaze stopped on Dimitri and Dedue, waiting for them to also leave.

…

“Uh…”  The man rubbed the back of his neck, “Sorry.  I don’t really have any candy.”

Dimitri swallowed, staring up at his very familiar neighbor.  Though he’d never seen the man up close, he recognized by his hair and the way he stood, that this was the same person who spent many hours of the day working outside.  Each day was either spent on the roof, windows, or yard; hammering away at loose nails, pulling weeds, or painting anything that wasn’t dry rotted.

It was no surprise that he was so tired and Dimitri almost felt bad for bothering him but…

“Oh, Byleth…”

The young boy stiffened, eyes wide as he saw a bit of movement behind the man’s legs.  A girl, his other neighbor, peeking out at them.  

Suddenly his throat felt dry and words escaped him when their eyes met.  Mint meeting blue, curious vs panicked.  The familiar girl stepped out in the door way, getting a better look at the two trick or treaters.  He blushed the longer she stared, suddenly wishing that pretty gaze wasn’t looking at him at this moment.  Oh goddess, his hands were so sweaty; so hot and sweaty that Dimitri feared he’d melt the treat between his palms.

“T-Trick or treat!”  He stuttered at her, holding out his gift to the girl he’d been watching from the small gap of flowers and fence that separated their yards.

Amusement flashed between the man’s eyes as he looked down at Dimitri.  "I’m pretty sure we’re the ones who have to give you a treat, kid.“

Dimitri blushed, shaky arms still held out towards the blank girl.  Hopeful.  Desperate.

Her father nudged her shoulder.  She looked up at him for silent confirmation and earned a nod before she took the gift.  The Prince swallowed when their fingers touched then quickly pulled away the moment she had the bundle.  Dedue gave him a look of encouragement as the girl unwrapped the chocolate in the shape of a flower.

Dimitri spent many hours with Dedue the day before in his family’s bakery, learning to make chocolate from his friend specifically for this reason.  It had been embarrassing to ask, but Dedue had been understanding and patient as he showed him the steps and how to decorate.

"It’s a Forget-Me-Not.”  Dimitri blabbed, eyes wide as if under a spotlight.  "I-I tried to make a rose, but they’re a little hard and…“

He shut up, feeling stupid for doing all this in the first place.  

This pretty girl was probably already in MIDDLE SCHOOL and what was he?  Some dumb little kid with a dumb little crush.

She turned the candy in her hands, staring blankly at the simple shapes before nodding at Dimitri.  He exhaled through his nose in response, only to snort.  The Prince covered the lower half of his face, mortified.

"Byleth?  You got something to say?”

The girl looked up at her father then back to Dimitri who still had his face covered.

“Thank you.”

Red began to spread up his neck, cheeks, and even to the tips of his ears as he let out a garbled you’re welcome.  After another awkward second of staring, Dedue came to his rescue by bidding the two farewell then dragged his friend away before he could make a bigger fool of himself.

“You did well.”  Dedue whispered, making Dimitri want to groan.

“Please don’t tell anyone…”

“Of course.”

The rest of their night was uneventful as they collected more candy then they could ever eat and went back home, bellies full and aching.  Dimitri didn’t touch any of his, too busy groaning into his pillow and wondering what had come over him.

Perhaps he could convince his father to move?  Surely it was doable.  

Luckily the boy didn’t feel the need to.  Not when he found a small bag of Hershey kisses on his side of the garden, right next to his flower gap where he’d sit and stare.

He wasn’t sure if he should look deeper into the meaning, but the gift made his heart soar all the same.