#but i was also incredibly tired so I'm going to be lenient with myself

[captaindamianos]

[cloud-somersault]

The Constellations Covenant AU you just posted is so interesting for different reasons to me, among them:

-I’d wondered and sometimes thought about asking you about whether Macaque would have killed Wukong in that first battle between them if he was the one who’d gotten the upper hand (I ended up not asking though because it was part of other contemplations I was having about their relationship and what they would each be willing to do for and against the other and it was heavy and complicated for me to express properly I suppose) but this AU explored some of that scenario now so, cool!!

-AND!!! I’d also thought about asking what would have happened if there was another celestial primate there on Flower Fruit Mountain to receive MK when he was born, whether Wukong or Macaque or even Little Star idk (I ended up not asking this one cause a lot about MK’s origins and what happened to him immediately after his birth is still mystery territory so I wasn’t sure how much you could delve into it. Plus tbh I have a lot of questions about your thoughts on the celestial primate births that I’ve kinda kept to myself because I don’t wanna bombard you or anything 😂) but again, some of that in this au?? MK recognized as a celestial primate from the beginning??

Very cool as always!!!

You can always come in here and ask anything! I'm honestly going to be a bit more lenient with information and what I withhold. Unless it's a plot-heavy detail, I'll divulge anything, because there's a vast majority of things that are just going to stay in my head. So, asking now is the perfect time to get those answers and lore.

I always saw Macaque and Wukong's fight to be this long, tired, exhausting, powerful battle. They both get so caught up in the thrill of fighting each other and how they have to keep their wits about them at all times. It basically boils down to "I have to win!!" no matter the cost, and it's lethal and deadly, obviously, but it's neck-and-neck. Wukong didn't stop until it was too late. That's the same for Macaque in Covenant AU.

There's also just the anger of thinking the other abandoned them, which is also canon in Covenant AU, so they've got that anger, the thrill and adrenaline, and needing to best the other but finding it incredibly difficult. It's the hardest battle both of them have ever fought.

As for your second question, Little Star wouldn't be able to receive MK, because they were already lost at that point. If Wukong/Macaque were there when MK was born, they'd pick him up and look him over and immediately identify that he is like them. MK would be born with celestial-blessed eyes and abundant magic, and with his connection to wood magic, Wukong/Macaque would put two and two together.

They both were there when Little Star was born as well, so shadowpeach (i'm just going to type that out, it's less letters) both know what to look for. In Constellations, if Wukong had been on FFM and not in Heaven attending a Spell Discovery Presentation, then he would've immediately known MK was a celestial primate.

So, basically, shadowpeach would look after MK and take care of him, but it would be heavily fraught with arguments and fear. Macaque wants to keep MK hidden from the world and Wukong agrees, but doesn't to the extent that Macaque wants to. Wukong would want to show MK the Mortal Realm; Macaque wouldn't want that because he fears a repeat of what happened to Little Star. He wants MK to only known FFM

Because Macaque doesn't have magic in this AU, Wukong gets final say in a lot of things....Macaque also isn't doing so great mentally and self-confidence wise. Their relationship has some hurdles and ups and downs, but they're still heavily in love - but those issues that stemmed from their younger days are still there and they get addressed at this point.

MK, all the while, is just a little monkey who speaks monkey waddling about being silly. Flowers spring up from his footsteps and whenever he sleeps, he grows a garden around himself. Whenever Wukong picks him up and smiles, MK pats Wukong's cheeks and makes marigolds bloom in Wukong's hair.

Whenever MK is nervous during the night, Macaque is there to reassure him. He can't ease his heart without magic, but he holds him and keeps him safe throughout the night. And in the morning, there are lilacs in Macaque's fur and hair.

So, it'd be like that. More domestic and realistic. But very sad, too.

If you have more questions about this AU or just Constellations in general, please ask!

[chili-mango]

I hate that I miss you. I hate that I'm questioning myself again, wondering if maybe I'm misremembering how bad things were, if maybe you're right that I was being a self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate that I'm questioning whether maybe I should have been more lenient or tried harder to make myself understood even though my parents, my sister, my friends, my therapist, my LAST therapist, are all telling me that I was INCREDIBLY gracious & lenient in how I ended things with you.

I just want to feel listened to and understood. I want to feel heard & seen & validated. I feel like my reality of experience and the reality of our relationship that you talk about are not the same reality and it's gaslight-y as fuck, even though I KNOW you don't do it on purpose.

I hate constantly feeling like I can't trust my own perception of social interactions. I hate feeling like my perception of self and others' perception of me aren't even close. I'm working really hard on trusting my own intuition & my own perception of things & not constantly trying to compare it to what other people think about a situation, but it's hard. If I analyze anything for long enough, it breaks down into symbols of truth & not the actual truth. "Pointing at the moon is not the moon," "ceci n'est pas un pipe," etc.

I miss you, but I like that being broken up gives me time to process the weird existential non-reality shit that constantly clutters the edges of my mind. I have time to realize I'm in a nihilism spiral & shake myself out of it. I can realize I'm disassociating faster & then start working to ground myself back in the here & now and not get caught trying to distill things down into some sort of concrete meaning or truth.

I think I wasn't getting enough brooding time when we lived together. Sometimes I just need to be left alone to sulk for a while, until I get fed up with being an edgelord and am fit to be around people again. Especially since you would also get caught in edgelord spirals, and I would be catching stray fire because I lived with you. I do not like being around you when you're in a Everything Is Awful & I'm Going to Make It Everyone's Problem mood. It takes so much energy & time to stay out of my own spirals that getting caught in yours, or trying desperately to NOT get caught in yours, exhausted me. And I know that's when we'd both end up in that growing-tension section of our abusive cycle.

I'm tired. I hope you're okay. I still don't see a way to fix this, even though I want a way to fix this. I hope you're doing well.

[thekoshertribble]

“I'm not some simple shepherdess you can awe” Women of Star Trek #19 “Who Mourns for Adonais?” Lt. Carolyn Palamas

Oh boy, I am not looking forward to writing this one.

Before we begin: I don’t usually find myself identifying in any way with the characters I talk about on this blog, but this one is an exception. Carolyn Palamas’ story is one of the worst I’ll be discussing in this series. I think anyone who’s seen the episode, and knows what happens to her would agree with that, but for me it’s personal. I know how she felt. I’ll get to that later, but for now let’s talk about Carolyn.

(Before I go any further, I should caution you that I’ll be discussing some rather sensitive topics: abusive relationships, physical and psychological abuse, implied rape and unwanted pregnancy.)

If someone asked me “what role would you serve in Starfleet?” I would answer: A&A officer.

An oft forgotten role, the A&A officer is a starship’s science division expert on archeology and anthropology. He or she is well knowledged in not only the civilizations of earth, but those of other planets. Imagine studying the ruins of a lost civilization on another planet, or reading ancient texts from the mythology of an alien species! This is Carolyn Palamas’ job on the Enterprise, and why she was chosen for the landing party to Pollux Four. But first, we meet her on the bridge, presenting her findings about the planet to Kirk: “Here's the report on Pollux Five, Captain. This entire system has been almost the same. A strange lack of intelligent life on the planets. It bugs the percentages.” Kirk asked her to run the same analysis on Pollux Four, then McCoy remarks she looks tired. Palamas explains she was up ��all night” working on the report. (I don’t understand why Palamas was given this job when it could have gone to Spock or one of the other astonomists in the science department. It bugs me.) Kirk and McCoy are impressed by her work effort, and Scotty steps up to offer her to have coffee with him, rather eagerly. She smiles and accepts his invitation, and the two exit the bridge together. Kirk and McCoy have already suspected, correctly, that Scotty is attracted to Palamas, a fact which worries McCoy:

MCCOY: I'm not sure I like that, Jim.

KIRK: Why, Bones? Scotty's a good man.

MCCOY: And he thinks he's the right man for her, but I'm not sure she thinks he's the right man. On the other hand, she's a woman. All woman. One day she'll find the right man and off she'll go, out of the service.

Okay, I’m going to go on a bit of a tangent here, but this conversation is worth discussing. Two things are clear: one, McCoy has analyzed both Scott and Palamas, and foresees the relationship will be one sided. (He seems to acknowledge, however, that he could be wrong.) Two, it’s immediately assumed that if Palamas were to marry, she would leave Starfleet. This was written in the 60s, when married women were expected to stay home, not work. So does that mean those same expectations are present in Starfleet? I say no. In “Balance of Terror” we saw two officers get married, and no mention was made of either of them leaving the service. So it doesn’t appear to be a regulation or cultural expectation that McCoy is referring to. Considering his knowledge of the crew, I think McCoy has heard from Palamas at some point that she planned to leave Starfleet if she were to marry, but she sees that as being unlikely to happen anytime soon. Kirk meanwhile, is more concerned about Scotty being preoccupied by a romantic interest rather than his job. And as we’ll soon see, he’s not actually wrong...

The Enterprise arrives at Pollux Four and is immediately captured by Apollo, who insists Kirk comes down to the planet with some of his men to rejoice and “remember together” their Ancient Greek heritage. Kirk naturally brings along Palamas, as well as McCoy, Scotty and Chekov. Apollo reveals his identity and tells his “children” that they must stay here and worship him as they did before. Kirk and Scotty warm him that they’ll resist any attempts to keep the Enterprise here forcefully, while Apollo claims the crew is his to cherish or destroy. In the middle of this back-and-forth threatening, Carolyn steps in, not with a warning but with a question: “But why? What you've said so far makes no sense at all.” Apollo’s face softens and he turns his attention from Kirk to Palamas. He approaches her, studying her. 

APOLLO: How like Aphrodite and Athena. The beauty, grace. And you seem wise for a woman. What is your name?

CAROLYN: Lieutenant Palamas.

APOLLO: I mean your name.

CAROLYN: Carolyn.

APOLLO: Carolyn. Yes. You are beautiful. You would do Aphrodite credit. I will tell you a thousand tales, stories of courage and love. You will know what it is to be a goddess.

Scott immediately protests to this, telling Apollo to back off. Apollo then blasts Scott’s phaser out of his hand and turns his attention back to Carolyn. He decides her Starfleet uniform doesn’t look good on her and changes them (Trelane-style) to a Grecian dress. Satisfied with this change, Apollo begins to lead her away from the others. Again, Scotty tries to save her, but gets thrown over the table. Kirk also appears to protest but Carolyn stops him, saying quietly: “It's all right, Captain. I'll go.” Apollo applauds her lack of fear, and disappears, taking Carolyn with him.

This scene tells us two very important things about Carolyn. First, as a scientist she has a curious mind that instinctually seeks answers. Apollo demands the Enterprise crew worships him? Carolyn wants to know why. Despite the threats Apollo makes, she is still wants to know how he, an ancient deity from a planet light-years away, ended up on an alien planet. She might have seen this as a career-changing mission. This is the kind of opportunity most of her fellow anthropologists and archeologists dream of. But it is not without cost, leading to the second item: Carolyn is not so brave or curious to not be aware of the danger she is in. She’s read Greek legends. She know what Apollo is and what he’s capable of. And she knows that women in Greek mythology rarely get happy endings. She has every right to be afraid, and she is. She is not “without fear” as Apollo wrongly observes. She goes with him for two reasons: one, so she can continue to observe him, and two, to prevent Apollo from hurting any other member of the landing party. That’s it. Yes, in the next scene Apollo asks her if she’s frightened of him and she says no, but how could she not be afraid? He nearly kills Kirk by Vader-style choking him, knocks out Scotty and threatens to crush the Enterprise like an egg! She knows could do the same to her, but she hypothesizes that his affection for her will shield her from his wrath. His “love” for her is the only thing that stops Apollo from killing Kirk with force lighting:

KIRK: We're tired of your phony fireworks!

APOLLO: Mortal, you have earned this!

(Apollo points his finger at Kirk’s chest)

CAROLYN: No, don't!

(Carolyn puts herself between Apollo and Kirk)

KIRK: Lieutenant!

CAROLYN: A father doesn't destroy his children. You said you were gentle and understanding.

KIRK: Lieutenant!

CAROLYN: How can they worship you if you hurt them?

KIRK: Lieutenant.

CAROLYN: Apollo, please. (taking his hand) You know so much of love. Please don't hurt them. Please.

APOLLO: I shall be lenient with you, for her sake.

In a sick kind of irony, Carolyn has become both incredibly powerful and vulnerable as Apollo’s newest object of lust. Apollo is extremely dangerous and quick to anger - his violent acts toward her crew mates tell Carolyn what will happen if she refuses him - so she is trapped with him. However, she knows he wants to please her. She becomes an intermediary between him and her crew, and in the scene above, she’s the only person that can stop Apollo from going on a deadly rampage. In the next scene Carolyn learns that is not just an object of affection for the Apollo, she is central to his plan to restore his godliness. He sees her as a lover and a means to an end.

Which leads us to the beginning of the finale. Apollo sends Carolyn back to the landing party alone, to speak with Kirk, to try once more to persuade him to stay. She appears to them with in an oddly relaxed state, smiling and speaking softly:

CAROLYN: He wants us to live in peace. He wants to provide for us. He'll give us everything we ever wanted, and he can do it, too.

KIRK: All right, Lieutenant, you can come down from Mount Olympus now. You've got work to do.

CAROLYN: I don't understand.

KIRK: He thrives on love, worship, attention.

CAROLYN: Yes?

KIRK: We can't give him that worship, none of us can. Especially you.

CAROLYN: What?

KIRK: Spurn him. Reject him. You must. You're special to him.

CAROLYN: Yes. I love him.

Let’s pause right here, shall we? Now some of you are probably thinking: hey koshertribble I’ve watched this episode x-many times and it seems like Carolyn was falling in love with Apollo. She kissed him in the last scene, remember? When she says she loves him, she’s telling the truth, right?

Wrong.

She doesn’t. Period.

So why would she lie? Because when you’re trapped in an abusive relationship, that’s what you do. You don’t want to lie, but you lie because it’s the safest thing to do. At this point Carolyn has gone into what I call “survival mode.” She doesn’t see a way to escape this planet and Apollo’s (literal) grasp. In this moment she has accepted her sitauation and is adapting, surviving, accordingly. She tells the landing party to do the same: try to accept their fate by looking at the “positives.” Kirk, meanwhile, is still trying to find a way out. He’s figured out that Carolyn has influence on Apollo’s actions; her rejection of him could be their salvation, but rejection is the last thing on her mind right now...

KIRK: Lieutenant. All our lives, here and on the ship, depend on you.

CAROLYN: No, not on me.

KIRK: On you, Lieutenant! Reject him, and we have a chance to save ourselves. Accept him, and you condemn all of us to slavery, nothing less than slavery. We might never get help this far out. Or perhaps the thought of spending an eternity bending knee and tending sheep appeals to you.

CAROLYN: Oh, but you don't understand. He's kind, and he wants the best for us. And he's so lonely. What you ask would break his heart. How can I?

Again, Carolyn doesn’t really believe what she says, nor is she trying to justify what Apollo is doing. She’s defending herself, not him. When she asks “how can I” she’s not asking “how could I hurt Apollo because I care about his feelings” she really means “ how can I get out of this impossible situation without getting killed?” At this point Kirk gives one of his trademark speeches to remind her who she is:

KIRK: Give me your hand. Your hand. (she does) Now feel that. Human flesh against human flesh. We're the same. We share the same history, the same heritage, the same lives. We're tied together beyond any untying. Man or woman, it makes no difference. We're human. We couldn't escape from each other even if we wanted to. That's how you do it, Lieutenant. By remembering who and what you are. A bit of flesh and blood afloat in a universe without end. The only thing that's truly yours is the rest of humanity. That's where our duty lies. Do you understand me?

CAROLYN: Yes. Yes, I understand. He's calling me.

KIRK: Lieutenant. You have your orders and your duty.

CAROLYN: Yes, sir. My orders and my duty.

To be honest I think that Kirk was under the impression that Carolyn actually loves Apollo. If he had read her words deep down, and seen the fear underneath, that Rousing Kirk Speech would have gone differently. But it get the job done. Carolyn returns to Apollo afraid but determined. And she does what Kirk tells her to do - remember who she is: Lt Carolyn Palamas, Enterprise A&A officer and scientist.

CAROLYN: I must say, Apollo, the way you ape human behaviour is remarkable, but there are some other things I must know. Your evolutionary patterns and your social development.

APOLLO: My what?

CAROLYN: I'm sure they're unique. I've never encountered a specimen like you before.

APOLLO: I am Apollo. I've chosen you.

CAROLYN: I'm sure that's very flattering, but I must get on with my work now.

APOLLO: Your work?

CAROLYN: I'm a scientist. My particular specialty is ancient civilisations, relics, and myths. Surely you know I've only been studying you.

APOLLO: I don't believe it. You love me.

CAROLYN: Love you? Be logical. I'm not some simple shepherdess you can awe. Why, I could no more love you than I could love a new species of bacteria.

(Carolyn turns to leave)

APOLLO: Carolyn! I forbid you to go. I order you to stay.

CAROLYN: Is that the secret of your power over women, the thunderbolts you throw?

Unfortunately, but predictably, Apollo has a full on meltdown, summoning a storm to chase Carolyn down through the woods. It’s hard to say exactly what happened in this scene - we see her knocked to the ground screaming as Apollo’s giant face appears in the sky getting closer and closer. When she appears in the final scene with Scotty her face is bruised and her dress is torn. The final cut of the episode doesn’t make clear what might have happened but since a final cut scene reveals that Palamas is pregnant, which suggests she was raped as well as beaten... I don’t want to think about it. Luckily she survives his assault, since Kirk orders the Enterprise to fire on the temple, weakening Apollo and forcing him to attack the Enterprise. Carolyn gets back to the landing party and the temple is destroyed. Apollo, devastated, turns to Carolyn once more: “Carolyn, I loved you. I would have made a goddess of you. I've shown you my open heart. See what you've done to me.” He then disappears, leaving Carolyn sobbing not tears of grief, but relief.

You may see this episode a different way, but this is the only way I see it now. Why? Because years ago, I was Carolyn. For ten months I was trapped in a relationship in which I was not a person, but an object to be paraded around as a “girlfriend.” Everyone thought we were happy together, and He thought we were happy together but I wasn’t. I was scared of him. No, he was never violent with me, but he had a short temper and did get into fist fights with some other friends. He claimed he was a “Hellenic polytheist,” worshiping Apollo as his patron god. He regarded me as his damsel in distress to rescue, like Andromeda was saved by Perseus. I was separated from my friends (I could only spend time with him), and I was afraid to refuse him anything. It took months to build up the courage to end it. And even then, he didn’t give up trying to get us back together. It was a nightmare, and seven years on, I’m still working through the after-effects.

So, final takeaways? Carolyn found herself trapped in an abusive relationship with a god. It doesn’t matter that Apollo loved her - he took possession of her, isolated her from her shipmates, threatened them (and her) with violence and assaulted her when she tried to free herself of him. She was only able to free herself (and her shipmates) from him through great risk to herself. She had to decide whether to live in fear or free herself at the risk of death. I hope you never find yourself having to make that decision in your life. But if you have been there, or are there now, please keep remembering who you are, and that there is a way out. I know that’s odd sounding advice, but when you’re in a relationship like this you forget you’re a shadow of yourself. I’ll stop here with the advice because I’m not a professional and my experiences may not be the same as yours, so I’m leaving these links below:

https://www.thehotline.org/2017/02/16/supporting-someone-returning-to-abusive-relationship/

https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/

So that’s all I really have to say for this episode. It was challenging for me to revisit this episode and the personal memories associated with it, but I hope you found it interesting. Thanks for reading.

Next Episode: “Mirror, Mirror”

[antialiart]

I've been following this since you started doing the draw every day thing, and your art has definitely improved a lot. I'm thinking about doing this too -- do you have any suggestions (esp. for things like keeping motivation) as someone who has been drawing every day for over a year? Thank you!

Thanks! I’m thrilled to hear you want to try daily drawing - I really love doing it and I’m so glad I went ahead and did it.

I’ve honestly never really had trouble staying motivated, which surprised me; I wasn’t at all sure I wouldn’t flake on this when I started, but it turned out really easy for me to keep up. I think the biggest factors that have contributed to how well I’ve kept it up are the following:

- I post all my drawings to an artblog and have made my intention to draw something every day very explicit. Whether I actually do a drawing on a given day is a matter of public record. I don’t know if any of my followers would really notice if I failed to do a drawing, but it still discourages me from thinking stuff like “I’ll just draw two things tomorrow instead” which could lead down a slippery slope of never actually doing all the drawing.

- I’m willing to be lenient with myself with regards to what I’ll consider an acceptable drawing. This is really important, I think. It’s just “draw something”. If I’m tired and sick and don’t want to draw at all, I’m allowed to draw a two-minute half-assed sketch of a Voltorb and post that. If that weren’t allowed, I’d be forced to skip days every now and then when I’m just not physically capable of putting effort into a drawing, and once I’m allowed to skip days, it becomes too easy to slowly expand the definition of what qualifies as a day I’m allowed to skip. None of that; I will do some kind of drawing every single day, but it doesn’t have to be good or refined in the slightest if I can’t do that. No pressure; it should feel like a game, not a chore, and definitely not like some sort of looming, intimidating duty.

- Of course, as a corollary, I need to want to make good drawings; otherwise I’d just end up doing something half-assed every day, which wouldn’t be terribly helpful. Posting to the artblog serves an important role here, too: you can all see exactly what I’m drawing, and if it’s halfhearted crap, I don’t like posting it. It’s extremely important that I do so anyway, but I would much, much rather draw something I’m actually happy to show off. So if I’m not extremely tired or sick or otherwise unable to put effort into my daily, I will make at least something of an effort.

- Other important way to get yourself to make an effort: draw something you care about. Draw presents for your friends; draw your own characters or your pets or people you love; draw scenes from movies or shows or games that are emotionally important to you. I say this with the reservation that you shouldn’t try to bite off more than you can chew - if you don’t feel like you’re any good at realistic faces yet, trying to draw a realistic face that you actually care about may just end up feeling frustrating, because you don’t have the skill to get them close enough to be satisfied, and because of the emotional importance to you, it might make you just really hate the idea of posting your failure. That’s not very productive. Start by drawing easy-to-draw things that you care about and then ramp up the difficulty when you get good enough to not utterly hate yourself when you try. (But still be willing to screw it up a bit. Don’t wait forever to be good enough; you should be eager to get to try to draw things you care about! Be bold and try the moment you think you might even conceivably be able to draw something kind of close. It’s not going to be perfect, but it actually just might be better than anything similar you’ve done before.)

- Ask for challenges from others. I haven’t been doing a lot of suggestions recently, but I really need to finish the last few and make a new suggestion post, because doing suggestions has definitely been one of the things I’ve found most consistently helpful. Ask for something that challenges you at your current skill level, things you’ve noticed you have trouble with. I happen to have a decent audience on my artblog but you can also just ask friends. Not only do you get to draw something challenging, you also get an automatic motivation boost from the fact that you’re doing it for somebody and you don’t want to disappoint them. Plus, people often come up with wild, hilarious suggestions and the results are great and incredibly fun to do regardless of the quality of the drawing.

- Do a lot of different things! Often people do scheduled daily projects, like one Pokémon a day or something, and if that works out well for you, great, but if you get bored with that sort of routine, don’t try to force yourself to draw something you’re not really feeling. Switch it up, do something different from what you’ve been doing and practice different things if that’s what it takes to keep yourself interested.

- Think of how awesome it will be when you can draw that thing you’ve always wanted to draw. Think of how every artist got good by drawing a lot. Think of how by keeping this up you are in the process of making yourself awesome. You’re not just doing a dinky little drawing, you’re one drawing closer to godhood.

That’s about all I can think of right now. I hope that helps, and I hope daily drawing works out great for you!