#but i really do love arizona it’s nice to be here again even though the heat is terrible

[gayestcowboy]

i’m in arizona right now and damn that global really can warming!

[luveline]

I would love to do a request if you would like! Some sort of Spencer Reid x Reader where the reader is super bad ass, tough, doesn’t show much emotion is kind of cold to others but has the biggest soft spot for Spencer!! 🫶🏻

thanks for your request lovey, I would love to write more of this pairing if you have any more requests ♡ fem!reader

"Here comes the ice queen," Morgan mutters, turning his chair away from the walkway. 

You walk down the steps from Hotch's office. Whether you were praised or reprimanded is anybody's guess —your face never gives anything away. Spencer doesn't necessarily agree with the way Morgan's categorised you, but he isn't wrong either. You're like Hotch in temperament, if Hotch were soft on only Spencer. 

That might have something to do with why Spencer won't call you cold. You're never cold with him. 

"What did boss man want?" Morgan asks. 

"If it were your business, Morgan, I'm sure you'd already know." You don't say it spitefully, but it's far from a warm answer.

Spencer honestly asks just to piss Morgan off, "Everything okay?" 

You visibly soften. Walking past Morgan without notice, you pause by Spencer's desk, your voice quieter, gentler. "Don't worry, Spence, everything's fine. You still reading that book about sex crimes in Arizona?" 

"I finished it. Doesn't take long." 

"No, you're fast," you agree. "What are you gonna read next?" 

It's amazing how swiftly you shift gears. Your body language totally changes, your shoulders slouching toward him, your hand open and resting on the back of his chair as if you might touch his hair. Morgan shoots Reid a look that says, What is happening right now?

"I was thinking about reading up on the Milk Killer, from 1954. He tried to give his victims blood transfusions high in lactose in an attempt to cure intolerance." 

Even Spencer admits that that sounds boring, but your face lights up with genuine interest. "That could be good. You'll have to tell me how it goes." 

"Sure." Spencer squints at you. "You have something on your face." 

"Yeah?" you ask, and Morgan goes wild behind you, dipping back in his chair in disbelief at your breathless tone. "What is it? Can you get it for me?" 

You bend a little and Spencer wipes the lint from your face sweetly. He wonders if he should be blushing, your affection for him as clear as it is, but for once, Spencer Reid feels smug. He can melt someone that Morgan can't. "All gone," he says. Smugness aside, you're a friend (and maybe a little more than that).

"Thanks, Spence," you say, popping a kiss against his cheek. "You saved me from embarrassing myself." 

Morgan clears his throat. You barely move, your hands twisting behind your back. "Hey, lovergirl," he says, making himself heard. 

"What, Morgan?" you ask, finally looking away from Spencer's pinking cheeks. 

"You have something," he says, pointing at the corner of his mouth. 

"So?" you ask indifferently. You turn back to Spencer as though nothing occurred. "Do you want to go to the movies again this weekend? They're playing a silent film. I think you'll like it." 

Spencer smiles genuinely. It's not his main concern, but it's definitely an added bonus to hear Morgan's sighed, "Are you kidding?" as he nods vehemently. 

"I'd love to," Spencer says. 

"Okay. It's a date," you say, smiling at him so nicely it feels like he can't breathe. 

"What's a date?" Emily asks as she returns from the kitchenette, eyebrows jumping. 

"It's a marker used to denote the day or month within a year," you say primly. "I have to go make copies for Hotch." 

You don't say goodbye. Morgan likes you, really, in the same way you like Morgan, so he gives Spencer a dazed look followed by a small smile. "Good luck with that." 

Spencer looks over his shoulder to follow your figure as you carry a box of reports to the photocopier. "I don't think I need luck," he murmurs. You glare at the copier, clicking one of its buttons aggressively. "She's nicer than you guys think." 

"Sure."

[autisticlancemcclain]

Lance opens his eyes to white nothingness.

It takes him a moment to adjust, for the sight in front of him to focus into a plaster popcorn ceiling rather than a block of bright white. He blinks rapidly, clearing the bleariness, steadying himself on the steady couch cushions in the castle common room.

He stills.

The castle?

He glances back up at the ceiling, but it’s as smooth as it’s always been; dozens of feet above him. No bright plaster, no textured popcorn ceiling. He squeezes his eyes shut, wondering what he’ll see when he opens them again, wondering where he even really is.

But when he opens them again, it’s still the castle. He’s still in space.

“Did you fall asleep?”

He drops his gaze from the ceiling, landing on Keith, who’s looking at him in fond amusement.

“No,” Lance says, because he doesn’t remember losing consciousness.

“Yes you did,” Keith responds, grinning. “Loser.”

Lance rolls his eyes and tries to kick him, but Keith grabs his foot easily, tugging it towards him. Lance gets the hint, lifting his feet and placing them in Keith’s lap as he reclines back into the couch cushions. Keith rests his hands on Lance’s ankles, tugging up the hem of his pants to brush his fingers on cool skin. Lance matches his breathing with the steady movements.

“You can go back to sleep,” Keith murmurs. “I don’t mind.”

Lance almost protests. It’s lovely to be sitting with him. He’s cute when he’s soft, when he’s not worried about what they’re doing next, when he lets his guard down. Lance only wishes things were less slow, less lethargic, so his eyes weren’t so heavy.

.

.

.

The rain starts to come down harder, faster, and it gets harder and harder to see. Lance squints, trying to see through the sleet of rain. It’s hard; he can barely see the shadows in front of him even though it can’t be past noon. The wind is icy, blowing at the soaked fabric of his orange uniform coat. Strangely he’s not cold. He’s hot, actually, suffocating in a blanket of heat, even as the rain pelts his skin, drops down his nose.

“Taylor! Come on!”

A boy appears in front of him. Lance startles — it’s so hard to see in the storm that it’s like he’s popped out of thin air. The boy’s long black hair is plastered to his head, and he’s soaked to the bone. He reaches out and wraps a glove-covered hand around Lance’s wrist, pulling gently.

“Come on, it’s freezing, you’re going to get sick. Let’s go, Taylor.”

Taylor?

Lance’s sneakers are soaked through, and usually that would bother him. But for some reason he can’t bring himself to move, to walk away. He hasn’t felt the rain on his skin in two years.

That doesn’t make sense. It’s the middle of the rain season in the Arizona desert. All students are forbidden from going outside. He’s not supposed to be here. This boy isn’t, either, this boy who calls him Taylor.

Lance followed this boy. Didn’t he? That’s why he’s out here in the first place, against Garrison orders. He always gets in trouble for following this boy into trouble.

His shoes are heavy with water, but slowly he picks up his feet, crossing his ankles. He smiles slightly and lets himself twist, holding his open palms out to the sky, closing his eyes and tilting his head back. A raindrop hits his cheek and slides down to his lips. It tastes of salt.

“You’re ridiculous! It’s a storm, Taylor! We need to get back before we get caught! Or hurt!”

Lance looks over at the boy. His indigo eyes are narrowed, clouded over with frustrated, strong brow furrowed to protect his eyes from the water.

He looks troubled. He’s too young to be this trouble. They both are.

Lance shifts their hands, so they’re entwined, and pulls the boy forward. He stumbles, but doesn’t fall.

“What are you doing?”

Lance smiles, grabbing his other hand, and twirls him around to imaginary music. For a minute the boy stubbornly resists, then a small smile cracks his face, and he relents.

“You’re crazy,” he says.

Lance just smiles. It’s kind of nice to be rained on with this boy, whoever he is.

.

.

.

.

A hard bump in the road smacks Lance’s head to the window, dragging him awake.

“Fuck,” Keith curses. “Sorry, Bluebell. Go back to sleep, we’re still a little ways away.”

Lance yawns, shaking his head. “No, I wanna stay awake. Don’t want to lose any time with you.”

It’s clearly the right thing to say. Keith smiles, wide, showing the crooked incisors Lance loves so much. He reaches over and grasps Lance’s hand in one of his, bringing it up to his lips and pressing a kiss to one of the knuckles. Stubble tickles the back of his hand.

“Me either.”

Neither of them speaks after that. Keith’s broken car radio lets out a burst of static every couple of minutes, but it’s drowned out by the sound of rain pelting the windshield. Keith hums slightly as he drives, tapping a finger on the steering wheel. It feels familiar, almost, like the start of a movie Lance has seen a thousand times. He supposes he has, with how often they’ve made this drive.

The drive takes another hour, but it feels so short. Too soon they’re driving past the farm fields, turning onto a long gravel driveway, stopping in front of a brick house with blue paint peeling from the door.

Keith parks the car, pulling off his seatbelt and shifting to face Lance. His smile is kind of melancholy. He cups his hands around Lance’s face, and the leather of his gloves feels too soft, almost blurry, somehow, corporeal. He leans in and kisses Lance gently, reverently, sadly.

“Tell your family I said hi,” he murmurs, pulling away slightly.

“You could come in for a while,” Lance offers. He doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want Keith to leave.

But Keith is already shaking his head. “You gotta go, Lance.”

His words are muffled. Far away. Lance isn’t sure that’s even what he said.

Lance blinks and then he’s slamming the car door, running to the porch with his jacket hiked over his head. He turns back when he reaches the front door, but Keith is already gone.

.

.

.

.

.

Lance wakes to sunlight warming his bare skin. His sheets are smooth on his legs, resting on his thighs and belly, barely really covering him. Most of the sheets are tangled around toned, pale legs, knobby knees. Lance follows them all the way up to a wide chest, covered in scars, and a well-defined jaw, thick black hair streaked with grey. A man stares at him, bleary-eyed, smile making his crow’s feet more defined. A long purple scar stretches across his cheek. Lance realises he’s leaning on the man’s chest, fingertips tracing shapes on his rough skin.

“How long’ve you been ‘wake, sweetheart?” the man mumbles, slight Texan accent bleeding into his words.

Lance shrugs. Truly, he has no idea.

The man says nothing more, only pressing a kiss to Lance’s hair before leaning back into the pillows, holding him tightly. Lance takes the time to look around the unfamiliar bedroom, trying to find out where he is. There are pictures everywhere; the man, Lance, Lance and the man, Lance and the man and a group of other smiling faces. Lance recognises none of them. There’s a large vanity table by the window, surface covered in various bottles and lotions, obviously not the man’s. It’s all as familiar as it is foreign.

The man runs calloused fingers over Lance’s ribs, slowly, and he shivers. No one has ever touched him like that before; intimately, quietly, adoringly. Touching for the sake of touch, like there’s nowhere he’d rather be than in Lance’s space.

He’s cute. He makes Lance feel safe.

Lance should probably find out his name.

But the man traces what’s clearly a heart on Lance’s sternum, and Lance is so comfortable. He feels like all his worries are a step away. Something’s wrong, he knows it is, but it’s lovely to sit between this comfort and chaos.

He doesn’t want to ruin the moment.

.

.

.

.

.

.

This time there’s no rain. He’s not asleep beforehand. He simply comes to awareness in the car, hand clutched in Keith’s, static playing gently through the radio. They’re driving to Lance’s family’s house again, and the sense of deja vu is stronger this time, the sense of wrongness. It slips out of him, the feeling.

“Something’s not right,” Lance says quietly.

Keith snorts. “Yeah, no kidding. You could just move in with me, you know. Then we wouldn’t have to do this every couple of weeks.”

That’s not it. It’s not — separation. That’s not what Lance meant. He opens his mouth to say so, but as he does, he feels something hook around the inside of his ribcage, yanking him backwards, out the car, out of his body, out of the space. He hovers above, watching himself settle back into the passenger side, clutching Keith’s hand. Neither of them say anything for the entire drive.

Lance watches as his body presses Keith against the door when they park, kissing him soundly, laughing about something, then standing to get out. There’s no rain this time, so he lingers, leaning against the car door and sticking his head through the open window. He says something. Keith laughs, then leans over and kisses Lance again, gently, softly, hand sliding through his hair. Lance feels that, far away, from where he’s floating above them, the phantom hands in his hair.

As his body walks back to his family’s house, turning back and waving at least six times, Lance realises that it’s not real. None of it. Not the car, not the kiss, not Keith. None of it is. He presses his fingertips to his lips and they slide right through, like he’s made of air. He can’t remember the last time he was kissed. He can’t remember anything. The realisation is familiar, like the end of something, like watching the last scene of a movie and realising as the credits roll that he’s seen it before.

The familiar wrongness of it all bubbles up in him. Suddenly he wants to scream as loud as he can, but he finds he doesn’t have vocal chords to do it. Or a mouth.

Slowly, the world around him blinks in and out, the colours fade, the shapes and shadows disappear. All that’s left is a bright, endless white.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Lance opens his eyes to white nothingness.

[zilabee]

- The first time I watched Get Back (which is the only other time I've watched Get Back) this was the day where I realised how much a mish mash mess the entire editing of it was, because obviously I know the tapes of day eight much better than the tapes of other days. (on account of it being the day where Paul and John use George as nothing but an excuse to talk about their own broken up feelings and confused affections.)

- Wonderfully, @inspiteallthedanger and @get-back-homeward posted about the cuts and snips in the lunchroom tapes, and how frustrating and impossible it all is, here. So I don't have to kill myself trying to explain how WEIRD the resulting 'conversation' Peter Jackson came up with is. What a strange strange thing he did.

- I'm aware that the art of documentary is cutting bits out, and I know they couldn't put it all in. But I do find it tiring. Even not lunchtime, but all the conversations, all the days. I just want to know what they look like at the appropriate points without having to double guess and think and disregard. We're not allowed that though, until some kind soul steals the full footage and gifts us pure wonder, so unless you can really see their lips move, it's only a mirage.

- But! the full 20 seconds that is given over to watching Paul looking sad where nobody says anything at all is the best 20 seconds Peter Jackson ever spent.

- Paul explaining that obstacles aren't obstacles if you refuse to acknowledge any sadness in your life think about obstacles. I mean he's not untrue, it's not not true, he could make a motivational poster.

- So proud of his terrible news bulletins idea. I actually do think ending a massive spectacular show by having a quiet man come on and quietly announce that you've broken up could be nice though. But really I'm just in love with the fact that instead of worrying about breaking up, Paul has been turning it into a project they can all work on together. (And thinking about how to make it suitably big and show-off break up, because it's the Beatles - I love that he worries about their legacy. George and John are so weighted down by legacy, and Paul's just like 'it's only hard if we don't live up to it, so we should just live up to it'. He's such a lot, but he's true.)

Linda: But you were saying yesterday, you know... you make good music together whether you like it or not. John: I like it. Linda: And making good music is also... John: But it's just... Linda: It's really hard working in a relationship. John: I know.

- I love that they call it feeling guilty about each other.

- I love that when John is talking about how hard it is when Paul won't give in on arrangements, he specifically says that he wants it to work more like it works when they're writing. It soothes me in its easy acknowledgement that the writing is good. (even while he's destroying it I know)

- Paul jokingly saying 'You stay out of this, Yoko' to Linda when she is joining in the conversation is probably one of the first times that joke was made, where it's now a recognisable joke to almost every english speaking person in the world.

- SHUT UP I CANNOT STAND IT. (Literally no idea at what point of the thing I wrote this down but I stand by it.)

- I hope they didn't tell George they only wanted him back as a matter of policy. <333333333

When we're very old we'll all agree with each other and we'll all sing together.

- I love him talking about how it all works better if they sing properly instead of just singing half. I love that they just need to be young again and they're not young, since Brian died they haven't been at all young.

- Love John wanting someone to fact check Paul in case Tucson wasn't actually in Arizona. His surrealism does not stretch to inaccurate geography.

Ringo: The meeting was fine. A lot of good things, but then you know... they all sort of fell apart in the end.

Ringo accidentally writing a perfect little synopsis of the Beatles.

- "I don't feel like the Beatles revolve around the four people. It might be a fucking job." John trying to invent The Plastic Beatles. Or make it a bit like national service for rockstars. Everyone dreading the fucking letter that means they have to leave their families and their homes and their happy bands to go and live in a cauldron with Paul and John for a few months.

MLH: I think at some point we should talk conceptually about the show. Everyone prepares to leave.

[flowersandbirdsflyingfree]

MY FINGERS SLIPPED AGAIN SO I’M POSTING THE ASK FROM @shinmiyovvi I’M SO SORRY😭😭😭

Fair. Now can you move along, C-3PO? I’ve got stuff to do.

6. Be honest, what was your first impression of s/i when you first met them?

Shit. I could barely bring myself to do much of anything first time we crossed paths. I was stuck in a shithole town that I moved to for a new job. Aaaand I got fired my first day, thus signaling that judgement day came early. The people here are a real piece of work. Everyone’s aggressive for no reason other than being an asshole for free.

Anyways, as I resided in the asscrack of Paradise, Arizona, I remember seeing Maddie in the middle of my errands. Something about her seemed so out of place to what I was used to. Like a fallen angel lost in hell. I’m surprised she even helped me hide from the cops after the Lucky Ganesh shootout.

Normally, I wouldn’t. But something told me to. There was just something about you that felt familiar.

You too, huh? Well, dearie, that right there is the stuff of soulmates.

8. What’s your favorite thing to do with s/i?

*shrugs* Just about anything.

Awww! Gosh, my favorite part of every day is being able to spend time with you!

Me too, babe. If I really had to choose though, even with the big events to the small errands we run together, I’m just happy to hold you close in my arms like this. You’ve tamed me to be a real cuddlebug.

15. What’s something about s/i that surprised you when you first started to get to know them more?

Say, this is a fun question! I guess if anything, seeing how much common ground we shared is a start. Yep. Deep down, the Postal Dude shares a lot of humble values and she’s on the same page for the most part. She’s just more way patient than me and has a different approach to things.

There’s also her taste in music. Maddie’s got me into Volbeat now. I wouldn’t have thought she liked heavy metal or a lot of older bands most people her age wouldn’t know!

I mean, grunge and nu-metal’s making a comeback! *whispers* Ugh, even if that includes Limp Bizkit…

Hey! You talking shit on Limp Bizkit?

NO!

*snickers* Gotcha. Limp Bizkit sucks.

18. Have you ever met any of s/i’s friends or family yet? If so, thoughts on them? Are they nice?

Yeeaah… About that…

Well, I met you first and you’re actually pretty chill. Same with Julia despite her f/o’s looking skittish around me. But that’s how everybody else sees me to be honest. All I have is Maddie and my dog Champ. Maybe Uncle Dave. I’m an antisocial sociopath which adds to my misfortune in the whole social interaction department. Hey, at least Maddie still puts up with it for now, right? *teasingly jabs shoulder*

Don’t say that! I love you very much!❤️

I love you lots toooooo😚❤️

He’s getting cheeky again😅

[skittlesmcgee]

Today I made my wax lady cry. Not tear up. Full on cry. I didn't mean it and it was a good thing.

For the last eight months, this very nice lady, about my age, has been carefully taking the hair off my underarms and snatch every eight weeks. Today, she asked if I had seen her emails. I told her that I didn't think I got emails from here, just text messages. So told me that she's closing her business. She explained that there were some things she needed done but the landlord just wasn't doing them. She's looked around for other locations and just can't find anything in her price range. So she was thinking about closing the spa. Then her son explained that he was moving from Arizona to Dallas and she should come down to Dallas. She could live with him until she figured stuff out. And that's what she's doing. My response, "I am so happy for you! I am so glad you are doing what's right for you!"

First, I think a lot of her clients' first response is "Who's gonna do my <insert thing here>??" And I get it. I don't want to find another wax lady. (For the record, I already have an appointment scheduled. LOL) But this lady is starting over in a new city and she told me she was a little nervous about it. So I told her my story. I told her how I did exactly this two years ago. How it was the hardest, scariest, best thing I ever did. We spent the whole time that she's doing her thing talking about it. How she's never lived anywhere else (same). How she really hasn't traveled that much (same). How, even though she has her son, she's moving to a brand new place without an established support structure (same...not my son but my friends).

She talked about how she only really figured out the first step...move to Dallas. She hadn't figured anything else out. I told her that I had used that same move on my last two vacations. I had a short list of things that I wanted to see, but had plenty of time to find cool stuff along the way. You only need those one or two stops. The universe will show you the rest.

After I got dressed and went out to the lobby, she was sitting at her desk looking a little teary. She told me that she only has the first step figured out. I straight up told her, "You only need to figure out that first step. You've already tackled the biggest hurdle. You decided. Now you're gonna take the step. And if you aren't ready for the next one right away, it's okay. If it takes three hours or three days or three years before you're ready for the next step, it's okay. The universe or God or whatever, will sit with you while you figure it out." She was absolutely in tears. Then I said, "Imma hug you and I don't care what else happens today." And I held that woman while she sobbed. I told her I was proud of her and that I loved her.

When they say, "One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will become someone else's survival guide", they aren't necessarily talking about writing a book. They are talking about telling your story to the people you encounter in your life. Share your tale, because you aren't just an abstraction, a nameless faceless author that can be written off as heroic or epic. You are a person in their sphere. A real live, walking, talking human...in my case, a pair of underarms and a snatch. I'm going think about that lady for a long time. I'm gonna send good thoughts and vibes her direction as she starts live in a whole new place.

I made my wax lady cry today. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

[forestwhisper3]

Tagged by @joyfuladorable but I don't know how to link their post. Sorry.

Share your wallpaper:

Laptop lock screen

Home screen

Phone lock screen

Just a turtle emblem on a black background

Phone home screen

As you can see, turtles are still in my brain rent-free.

Last song you listened to: Not counting the instrumental stuff I put on to help me write? YT music says it was Yasashi Kiss by Hitomi Shimatani, but before that, it was Adoro by the Broncos, The Guiding Key by Liz Robinett, Passing Through by Kadan Mackay, Feel it Still by Portugal. The Man, and a remixed version of I Love You Baby by Gloria Gaynor. I also listen to a lot of electro swring and stuff with a good bass beat, as well as jazz and classical.

Currently reading: nothing specific at the moment, just different fanfics, haha. My sister really wants me to start reading one of her favorite series, but I can't ever seem to dredge up the willpower to do it.

Last movie you watched: The whole way through? The Mario movie. I've seen bits and pieces of others since then whenever my mom's watching one, but not the whole thing.

I'm not counting the Rise movie since that's just a permanently open tab on my laptop now.

Craving: Frozen yogurt. Or a bacon avocado cheeseburger. Or steamed buns. Or all of them. It's been a while since I've had them, and I want some.

What are you wearing right now: Stitch pajamas when I started this, but work clothes right now since I'm at work.

How tall are you: 5'3"

Piercings: I guess my ears? Pretty sure one or both of them have closed over by now, though.

Tattoos: None. At most, I've done those fake paper ones that used to come with packs of gum, but nothing permanent. Don't really plan to, either.

Glasses? Contacts?: Both. Since middle school. Used to hate glasses, but now I love them. Only thing I don't like is the poor vision that comes with it, haha. Contacts are for work or trips to places like theme parks where I'm afraid they'll fall off on a ride or something.

Last drink: Water. If we're talking alcoholic...I don't even remember. I'm not a big drinker.

Last thing I ate: Pizza for dinner. And breakfast since I was too lazy to make anything.

I don't even know what toppings were on these but they were delicious.

Last show: TMNT, specifically, "The Real World" from the 03 series. I need my reference video.

Favorite Color: Red and purple. Green is nice too.

Current obsession: I think it's pretty obvious, lol. TMNT.

Unrelated obsession: ... I'm not sure what to put here. Fluffy things? Cute things like penguin stickers? ...Pokémon?

Any pets: 4 cats, 2 dogs, all rescues. We are very much a "You're coming home with me" family.

Crush on anyone?: No one that's real, lol, and my fictional "crushes" are said more as a joke more than anything. Am I opposed to the idea of romance and being in a relationship? Not at all, but I'm not gonna go out of my way to find one or stress out about it either. If it happens, it happens, and if not, that's cool too.

Favorite fictional characters: Now these I have a lot of. Yusuke Urameshi, Yagami Taichi, Gary Oak, Roronoa Zoro (although I love all the strawhats really), Michelangelo (though again, I love pretty much all the ninja turtles), Knuckles, Tails, Professor Layton, Donald Duck, Sora, Cloud Strife, Vincent Valentine, Zack Fair, Maes Hughes (and most of the FMAB cast), Luigi, and many more. These are just some of the first ones that come to mind, but it would take too long if I did all of them, lol.

Last place you traveled to: ...What is this traveling you speak of?

Joking aside, probably Tucson, Arizona, to visit my brother. Not counting that? Mexico, but that was ages ago.

Tagging...uh...*checks to see who actually interacts with me on here* @klonoadreams and @eldritchgray I guess?

[sunny6677]

Spooky Month: The Dating Sim

Part 32

(I'm mainly just doing this because it's fun to watch, but this is basically a spooky month interactive thing/poll which is kinda like a dating sim. Of course, only the adult characters can be your love interests. So do take that in mind.)

————

You decided to introduce yourself, though you said your name rather nervously. You really did wonder how you had met so many people within a few days of being here.. and why things were moving weirdly fast.

Jaune blinked, her peculiar lips curled into a straight line for a moment before they slowly turned up into a smile. "Oh, well, it's nice to meet you! I'm Jaune. I'm friends with Lila."

Calmly, you stated that you were babysitting Skid for Lila. You quickly added that it was nice meeting her. Jaune only chimed back, "Its nice meeting you too!"

You then paused. You had to get back home. Not for any peculiar reason. But the weight of the heat was making it hard to bear standing there any longer, and the Arizona sun made you feel like you were in a land filled with cactus and sand. The grass was even beginning to look dry with how warm it was outside, and it was quickly turning to a dry color.

You let out a sigh, and quickly stated that while you wanted to talk to them both some more, it was probably best if you got back home. The sun was kind of killing you after all. Lila's gaze wavered for a moment, "Oh, okay! Well, thank you again! I hope we can talk some more later."

With a smile on your face, you said to Lila that it was no problem. You turned around, and began to head toward your vehicle that was parked along the gray driveway. You swiftly waved your hand around, bidding a farewell to the Lavender-haired woman with a voice that sounded like the sweetness of honey.

In reply, you simply heard her say, "Bye!". You began to hear Skid and Pump beam in unison, "See you later!".

You opened the door to your vehicle, slowly beginning to slip into the driver's seat. You heard Lila and Jaune conversing, though it sounded muffled as soon as you tightly shut the car door. Slowly moving the vehicle out of the driveway, you quickly turned and began to drive in the direction of your home.

————

By now, you had been home for maybe like 2 hours. Your skin finally felt normal again, and the air conditioning inside of your house made you feel calmer. You were sat upon your couch, your phone sat beside you as the TV made noises of conversational ambience.

You hadn't much to do ever since you had stopped babysitting Skid for the day. You admitted to yourself that it was actually pretty fun, and that you didn't mind the thought of taking care of him again. Especially if it was for Lila.

Though now you found yourself with boredom, making your brain feel dry as you watched the TV screen mindlessly like a zombie. Behind the ambience of the TV, you heard the sound of the air conditioning blowing. No scent remained in the air, and all you saw outside were the occasional vehicles swerving by the nearby road.

What were you to do to get rid of your boredom? After all, there were still plenty of people you had met so far. And you could easily call them up if you wanted to. But people like Radford and Kevin were probably busy with work right now. And Lila was probably busy taking care of her son than anything else.

You sighed.

[matan4il]

I don't know if you watch Grey's Anatomy but in this week's episode (19x15), there's a kid who is a patient just when he was supposed to have his bar mitzvah, and so the doctors organize for him to be able to do it at the hospital. And he does it with his grandfather who hadn't been able to have one in Germany. It was really a nice scene :)

Awwww, Nonnie! Thank you for telling me! That sounds so sweet. I used to watch Grey's Anatomy, but i kind of had to stop. I loved Callie's storyline with Erica Hahn. I know, seems unpopular. She started out as a not-very-nice surgeon, but I liked it when they brought her back and allowed her to be more human. I liked that she became a multi-faceted character. And then when they were started to throw out hints about her and Callie? When they were doing the build up for them? Don't get me wrong, it was still NOT in the ballpark of hetero slow burns, I guess you could call it a 'mid burn', though it was still better than what most mlm couples get (with maybe the exception of Black Sails and Our Flag Means Death, at least of what I've seen). I was the eyes emoji. And then the show actually followed through, it ACTUALLY let them get together and kiss with the music swelling? :o I was in awe, I loved it, I was SO there for it. They even explored what it means for Erica to figure out she's gay later in life versus Callie exploring her bisexuality (I didn't always love how they went about Callie's bisexuality, but I did like that they let them each have her own discovery story).

And then they just... got rid of Erica? And in almost no time replaced her with Arizona? And it was so clear they were intent on telling a wlw story, which was awesome, but when the audience didn't react well enough to Erica, they just... got rid of her and brought in a younger, "softer" version of her, as if queer characters are that easily replaceable. I was offended. I LIKED having an older queer woman's story being told. And I get Erica didn't start out nice, but by the time her and Callie got together, I did like her. So it was hard for me to warm up to Arizona. And even when I kind of reluctantly accepted her, because hey, it's better than no queer rep for wlw, I ended up not liking a lot of what they did with Callie and Arizona. Like the way Callie gets pregnant. They had a ridiculous fight between her and Arizona, just so Callie wouldn't be technically cheating when she sleeps with Mark and gets pregnant, and then Arizona comes back and magically, all the stuff that drove her and Callie apart is not there anymore, and Arizona accepts the baby with relative ease, but it just became yet another storyline that doesn't show how MOST same sex parents ACTUALLY become parents. So IDK when exactly, but at some point around that time, I quit GA rather than quietly rage about how bad the wlw rep was IMO.

I want you just to understand what it means that you managed to make me wanna watch an ep of GA again! IDK, but I will. Thank you so much for telling me about that and just in case you're curious? There are actually a lot of real life stories like that! Holocaust survivors who get to make up for the bar and bat mitzvahs they were robbed off. Here's an example, there's a program that brings survivors annually to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to have their bar/bat mitzvah there! I find it very moving, because THEY are so clearly moved by what they get to do.

Have a great day, lovely! As always, my ask tag. xoxox

[simpsonsnight]

Episode #710

The Wayz We Were Season 33, Episode 4 | October 17, 2021

Man, I really hated this one. The Simpsons becoming bland was a terrible blow for the unhealthily-obsessed-with-cartoons among us. But for better or worse, The Simpsons was ahead of its time with its initial blandness. Television, by and large, has become even blander than the blandest episode of the Simpsons, even, so they now feel actually contemporary, weirdly enough. 

This one is about a Waze-like app causing the family grief by routing too many cars through Evergreen Terrace. It quickly segues into a story about Moe crossing paths with Maya, and falling in love all over again. This time he proposes to her. It sorta reminds me of when the show took another bitter loser, Comic Book Guy, and married him off.

This ends with Moe asking her to marry him and her saying yes. I’ve focused on Moe as a way to criticize the show’s fall from grace. At the start he was mean and sleazy. Jokes in the classic era ironically showed him having a soft side. That characterization wound up sticking. Mr. Burns had a similar change, going from actually-evil to doddering and oblivious. Modern mainstream comedy programs are so queasy about depicting anything other than blue sky bullshit that all the changes to make the show more toothless are now actually welcome by the modern media landscape. It makes me ill just thinking about it. 

This one is full of overly wacky and pointless gags, and a corny James Taylor needledrop. They bring back Maya, a little person that I legitimately feel uneasy about. I made a half-joking post about the previous Maya episode, suggesting that Maya can easily or subliminally be seen as a minor, and that the show was attempting to groom children. Thank goodness nobody reads this blog, because I was truly just goofing around, and wasn't sincerely trying to give weird right-wingers ammo. It was just incredibly weird how that same episode features a baby wearing what could be perceived as S&M gear domming Homer, and a photo of two children scrubbing an elderly woman’s feet, which ties directly into the story about Matt Groening getting his feet washed by a teenage girl on Jeffrey Epstein’s plane. I haven’t concluded that Matt was aware of the implications of what he was doing, and I think the show’s sicko-mode was unintentional. But I still think it would have been a good idea to rethink this.

But most importantly: episode sucks. The only good thing was Ruth Powers scolding Marge for not visiting her in years even though they live next door. Bad season canon would remind you that she, in fact, moved out of that house at some point, because Sideshow Bob moved into it. I think at the end of that a relative of Ned Flanders moved in. Well, I guess she’s back. I’m just going to put this out there: I would watch the shit out of a spin-off of just Ruth and Laura Powers, maybe they move to Arizona or something. An Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore sorta thing. Yeah. That’d be nice. As long as they didn’t make it lame and retarded. Sorry for saying retarded.

[squeakyfir]

I'm your huckleberry (Tombstone 1993) (Doc Holliday)

Description:

The joys of modern inventions and miracles are often taken for granted. Your hungry or thirsty? Get something from the fridge or make it. You need to go somewhere? Drive or call an uber. Your hurt? Go to the doctor.

Your bored? Watch a movie, play video games, watch videos on the internet, talk to people without ever leaving your house.

Some much time is in our hands... but back in the 19th century... you wouldn't last very long.

Diseases are rampant, gun violence is higher, no modern technology, barely any good medicine, almost all of your favorite food doesn't exist and most of the people are rude as hell. But... That doesn't mean all of them were so bad. Love was not something most people in this time really cared about. At least, in the town of Tombstone, Arizona.

After falling asleep with a nice looking stone you bought at a small stand at the carnival, your whole world becomes the opposite. Six people from the past discover you unconscious and alone in the blistering heat and offer help but it was their help that let you meet the most amazing man you've ever met.

John Henry "Doc" Holliday.

Chapter 20

Previous ~ Next

For so long, you didn't know what to do with your life and just went along with a lot of things without putting too much thought into the little things. But after years of being in the past and having so much happen was a real life expierence that flipped your whole world upside down. But now, you felt so empty inside. After the Vendetta ride ended, Doc wanted to settle down with you and continue his poker playing and drinking, much to the disapproval of you. Docs tuberculosis was getting worse and worse as time went on, to the point that he had to get treatment. After fifty-seven days of Doc staying in the Glenwood Springs Sanatorium, you could feel death was close by. You and Wyatt were once again entering inside to see Doc.

You had a dark feeling that this may be the last time you'll ever see him. Wyatt could feel your nervous energy and gave you a reassuring look. Even though you've became a very tough woman and lost some of your innocence, he still held onto his promise. The promise that he, Doc and his brothers made years ago. Protecting you at all costs. That promise definitely had something to do with you still keeping some innocence. As you and Wyatt walked down the short hallway, the last bed had Doc laying there, looking lifeless with a priest standing beside the bed, praying for him.

As you both approached the bed, the priest gave you both a sad look and shook his head. It was time. Both you and Wyatt sat down which got Doc's attention and he opened his eyes. "Hello, Wyatt. Darlin'. Father Feeney and I were just investigating the mysteries of the church of Rome. It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds".

"You're no hypocrite, Doc" Wyatt replied. "You just like to sound like one. I brought you somethin'". Wyatt was carrying a small book and slipped it underneath his hands for him. "Well, let's see" Wyatt said as he then opened a drawer in a dresser that was next to the bed. "Where are we today? I'm $17 down to you. Two bits a hand, stud"? Wyatt then pulled out a small deck of cards. "You both keep comin' back here. I told you both not to, and I meant it" Doc said.

"You and (y/n) are the only people I can afford to lose anymore" Wyatt replied which made you and Doc look to him. "How we feelin' today, Doc"? You then felt Docs hand gently grasp your hand.

"I'm dyin'. How are you"?

"Pretty much the same".

"How are you, darlin'" Doc asked you. You didn't want to think about the fact that Doc was indeed dying but there was no way to avoid it. "Sad" you said quietly but loud enough for him and Wyatt to hear. "So now we add self pity to our list of frailties-"

"Alright, Doc" Wyatt said quickly. "Alright, how many cards do you want"?

"I don't want to play anymore" Doc replied a bit sadly. Wyatt looked saddened by that but still asked, "How many" and placed some cards in Doc's hands. "Damn you" Doc said. "You're the most fallible, stubborn, self-deluded, bull headed man I've ever met in my life".

"I call" Wyatt said amd checked Doc's cards after showing his hand and said that Doc won. "Yet with all, you and (y/n) are the only people in my entire life who ever gave me hope". You and Wyatt felt surprised by this but for the both of you, it was also sad. "I thought I was in love once. My first cousin. She was 15. We were both so".

"That's good, Doc" Wyatt said. "That's good but you still have (y/n)".

"What happened" you asked.

"She joined a convent over the affair. I thought she was all I wanted, but I have you, darlin'". Doc very weakly tried to reach for your hand but you gave it to him so he wouldn't have to reach. "Wyatt, what did you want"?

"Just to live a normal life".

"There's no normal life, Wyatt. There's just life. Now get on with it".

"Don't know how".

"Sure you do. Say goodbye to me. Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that beauty and run, and don't look back. Live every second. Live right up to the hilt. Live, Wyatt. Live for me". You were having tears forming in your eyes and stray tear fell from Doc's eye. "Darlin'"?

"Yes"?

"Stay beside me. I want to spend my final seconds with you".

"Of course".

"Wyatt? If you were ever my friend, if you ever had even the slightest feelin' for me, leave now. Leave now, please"? Wyatt didn't want to leave his best friends behind but knew that Doc was right. Sadly, Wyatt stood up slowly but you released Doc's hand to grab Wyatt's shoulder. "Wyatt"? Wyatt looked to you and awaited to what you had to say but you quickly enveloped him in a strong hug, to which he didn't hesitate to return. "Remember what I said you and me are" you asked while crying.

"How could I forget? You and me... besties forever". When you both let go, Wyatt gently wiped your tears away and said this powerful message. "I lived through many dangerous things and met many strange people, but you (y/n)... your the best, strange and dangerous thing I've ever met. If we ever meet again, my promise will still live on for you". You smiled at him and he couldn't help but caress your cheek so delicately which was a nice action. You sat down beside Doc and you both looked to Wyatt. "Thanks for always bein' there, you two".

You both nodded and then Wyatt left you two alone. "Darlin'"?

"Yes"?

"I thought about your offer. Seein' the future".

"And"?

"I wish I could've seen it but I have the best thing the future could provide. You". Hearing that made you smile and you placed your hand on his arm. Doc smiled to you and finally said the statement you've been longing to hear from him. "I love you, darlin'". That statement blew your heart up in happiness and with tears in your eyes, you replied with, "I love you too! I always will"! Doc still smiled and without hesitation you leaned down and shared a tender kiss with your soulmate and you could tell he enjoyed every second of it. The kiss ended too soon but that was only because life was slipping away from Doc. Doc took a moment to look at his feet and said quietly, "I'll be damned. This is funny". It was then that Doc went still and a final breath was released from his lips and his body went cold. "Doc? DOC!? DOC"!!!!

You rested your head on his now cold arm and sobbed helplessly but something felt odd. It was as if you were floating and time stood still. As you continued sobbing, the hardness of the wooden seat was replaced with a soft and warm surface and Doc's arm was replaced with a pillow. Time had advanced. You were no longer in the 1880's... you are back in 2021.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 2007 Jessie sent me this lovely poem upon reading about losing Tinkerbell. It’s sad but beautiful. It’s called Rainbow Bridge.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 30, 2007 My baby’s gone now. It sucks that we couldn’t bury her anywhere, but we’re glad she got to be a Calirat if only for a while. I’ve been balling my eyes out in spurts. I feel so guilty for “letting go,” yet I know I didn’t because I couldn’t. I miss her terribly yet am glad she has moved on because her life was over before it was over. She was almost totally immobile. She couldn’t do anything other than eat, drink and sleep which is no life for a rat, who very much like a cat or dog, loves to roam around loose. I’m just glad she didn’t suffer in the end like Blondie did with the lung problems he had before he died.

Tom, who’s sad too, believes her spirit will one day find its way in to live through any future rats we have which probably won’t be while we’re still in motels like Blondie found his way to live through Tinkerbell. It sure seemed that way anyway. Rats have their own individual personalities like people, but Tink was so much like him!

I’m trying not to think too much about her because I just cry my eyes out whenever I do. The sadness comes and goes. I’ll be doing something for a while, then she’ll pop into my mind and down comes the tears again. I’m trying not to cry right now and make a scene for the maintenance guy who will be here any minute to fix the clogged shower drain. I figured that just because we’re not the ones who have to put the time and money into fixing it, it doesn’t mean we still can’t get it fixed. I just wish he would hurry up too, so I can work out, though I suppose I could work out anytime.

Working out is having a surprisingly nice effect on my appearance as well as how I feel. Judging by how my clothes fit, I feel like I’m back in the 120s again. At the risk of sounding conceited, I really do have an ok body for my age, even if I could still afford to lose a million more pounds and inches.

You can really see the muscle best in my shoulders, abs and calves, which are ripped again from jogging. I’ve been working out an average of 20 minutes a day, which is all you really need to maintain things. I start with my strength training exercises, then jog the remaining time off for a cardiovascular workout. If I had the tea and the discipline to cut my calories some more, I’d be thin in no time. Exercising may not make you lose weight, but it sure helps and it sure helps keep off whatever you do lose. It just sucks that I’m forever stuck with craters since that’s more of an age thing than a weight thing, contrary to many people’s beliefs. It’s connected to the skin’s thinning with age. I started getting them at 26, and I was pretty skinny then. I want to ripple my abs some more, but at least my chest is high and my “crunch line” is back. That’s that little trench that runs from just under the center of the breastbone to the belly button. I could feel the difference when I got up. I slept in my undies and when I got up, I started the coffee brewing and sat down at the computer. That’s when I noticed that my lower gut didn’t spill out onto my thighs. It just barely brushed it, and I could pull it off completely by sucking it in.

Yesterday was Arizona-hot at 106º and today will only be a few degrees cooler. I guess if there’s any good to this motel life it’s not having electric bills to pay! The summers here will be more expensive than the winters.

The housekeeper’s next door now. I hope that means that whoever was in there last night, even though they were quiet, has checked out. They were 22 minutes late if they did, and I think they did since the housekeepers only do people’s rooms about once a week here.

I want my Tinkerbell back! The one who got into my plants and made a mess flinging dirt everywhere. The thought of knowing she’ll never chase and tackle her mommy again makes me so sad.

Later…

Yup, they definitely checked out next door. I could hear the housekeeper going through the drawers, something you shouldn’t be doing if the people haven’t checked out.

After 5 hours of waiting, I called down to make sure they hadn’t forgotten our clogged shower. Sure enough, the maintenance guy was sent to room 308 and not 338. So, what took 5 hours of waiting ended up taking just 2 minutes to fix. I was surprised. The guy never used any chemicals or anything, just a couple of giant wrench-like tools. Then I could finally listen to music, light my incense in this non-smoking room, and cry if I needed to upon remembering the little angel I miss so much. I want her back!

Someone just checked in with a bang next door. They sure do come in with a bang and out with a bang, too! I’m glad I wasn’t asleep when the housekeeper was over there. It sounded like the wrestling match from hell!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2007 Another cool win. I got a lime green mesh beach bag, turquoise striped towel, fish-shaped towel clips, water aerobics barbells set, water-resistance runners, flotation belt, H2O+ body balm, water bottle, drink rimmers, and Almost Dead by Lisa Jackson which has an ARV $100. The towel and body balm are definitely something we could use, and the book not only came at the perfect time since I just finished a book, but it even seems like I’d actually like it! This is the first book I’ve ever won that’s my kind of book. The drink rimmers are nasty, and the aerobics thing isn’t anything I could use, but it would make for a good swap meet item.

It’s been quiet ever since yesterday afternoon. There’s no one next to us on either side, and that commotion I heard from next door yesterday morning was obviously them checking out. I hope the peace lasts!

The housekeeper will be here today.

The daily exercising I’ve been doing has been changing my shape a bit, strengthening me up, making me feel better, and making me look more toned. I wish I could discipline myself with calories as well as I can with exercise!

I was starting to stress out over our basic survival again yesterday, wondering if we’d have a place to stay in a few days, but was quickly relieved when Tom got in and told me that the $100 was freed up on the card, so we won’t have to sell anything this week.

Next week he’s only working 4 days, which sucks, and they aren’t working this Saturday either. We’re coming up to that time of year, unfortunately, where there’s one holiday after another, but all he needs is 8 hours of overtime per week to equal what he was making up in the Klam. Still, I feel like we’re being threatened with our security every few days or so and it really pisses me off!

Later…

The housekeeper came and went. This one was Indian rather than Thai and she did a much better job. She said she’s actually from Fiji and that it’s beautiful there; not too hot, not too cold.

For the second time since being here, I had the runs, and again it was right after a bowl of cereal. But the milk isn’t outdated yet and it smells okay.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 28, 2007 The beauty basket will be here in a few days, so that’s good. What’s not is that God’s still teasing us with life’s necessities and no doubt enjoying every minute of the rage and degradation it brings to at least me. Tom’s more of a roll-with-the-punches kind of guy, but not me. I’ve rolled with them enough. Now He’s made sure that the $100 that was locked on our card is still tied up when He knows damn good and well that we’re only paid up until tomorrow. So now poor Tom, as exhausted as he is, has to scramble around after work in hopes of selling the gunsight and getting a decent amount for it. We’ll also have to hope we can sell other stuff too, so we can survive till Friday.

He only got to work an hour of overtime yesterday, but today they’re having him work in a different area so hopefully that’ll be a good thing. If he gets hired on it’s probably not going to be till he’s been there for 30 days, in which case he has another two weeks to go.

Today and yesterday have been pretty door-slammy, and it gets old. It really does. And I’m sick of living in one room! Tom woke me up when he got up and I started to think, let’s just settle for an apartment. Life’s about settling and God’s only gonna make us settle, so since we can’t live in peace anyway, why not?

But then I really wouldn’t sleep, much less get any peace while I was awake.

This is still a motel and so it’d be in my best interest to sleep at night as long as I can, so I’m going to let him continue to be my alarm clock, not that I have much choice, and try not to go back to sleep once his movements wake me up.

Fortunately, there’s no one to our left, but I could do without the people who recently came in on our right because they come and go so much. I don’t hear them when they’re in the room, but it’s not even 11:00 yet and they’ve already come and gone 3 times so far today.

MONDAY, AUGUST 27, 2007 The weekend was surprisingly quiet. I don’t think we had anyone on either side of us, though someone came in last night on at least one side. Tom said they were only noisy as they were coming in. I thought I heard a door or two after I crashed, and I did hear movement this morning for a while, but other than that and this dog that barks every now and then from somewhere around here, I haven’t heard much else. Just occasional car stereos and alarms. In some ways, the place is quieter than the dump of a house was. I still can’t wait to get into a place here! I miss my stuff and having more than one room!

Most apartments and motels would drive me crazy with their constant slew of projects, but this place hasn’t done anything more than the usual cleaning and landscaping so far. They keep the place immaculate.

Because Tom didn’t plan very well, no doubt with some help from above, he couldn’t work Saturday because he needed to square away this room for another week that day, and we had other errands to run. It turned out to be kind of fun despite our situation. We did the laundry, browsed through stores, and stopped at the storage place. We pulled the other guitar and the diamond for sale. The question is where to sell them. He owes me a new office chair, so he says, because he had to use mine as a dolly and it got beat up. Yeah, I’m sure many other things did, too. It happens every goddamn time we move.

I still haven’t gotten the reply I was promised upon receiving my forms for the beauty basket, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get it. They couldn’t not have gotten the faxes and the mailed forms, so what’s taking so long to put the stuff in the mail and send it to me? I’m sick of having to do the work to get my own wins! Since when is that supposed to be the winner’s job?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 24, 2007 Just when I was dumb enough to think we might be okay after all, we get our Unemployment claim denied. Thanks, God. We really need this shit at our age. Meanwhile, I’m sure Dureen O will be worth another quarter million as I write this. They said it was because he never asked for a leave of absence. Now, why the hell would he do that when he knew he was moving to another state?! Now we gotta begin the long drawn-out process of appealing just to no doubt lose. I can’t believe God would have us denied if he knew there were big bucks for us in the end. We know that money’s rightfully ours and that we have an airtight case, but God will make sure that we still lose in spite of it all, won’t you, you fucking bastard! Someone like Mary might say I should just be glad God made sure Tom didn’t get the job any later than he did, but that’d be like telling a rape victim to just be glad she only got raped once and not twice. Isn’t once bad enough? Although it’s true that we’d be dead if he’d been a week later in getting the job since we agreed we wouldn’t let God toss us to the streets, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. That’s cuz the bastard knows that if he drove us to kill ourselves, He wouldn’t be able to curse us anymore in this life!

My first thought was, fine, we’ll go to an apartment and just get it over with and deal with the shit there since that’s our only choice now. I’m not allowed to live where I want to anyway. But then I put my foot down and said, no fucking way! Enough is enough with living where I don’t want to! It’s either my way or no way. I’m sick of God or others dictating where I live, what I do, where I go, etc. It’s either a house or death. And Tom agrees with me that we’re not going to an apartment. He’s going with me either way, and the only two possible places are a house or death. He’s sick of settling too, and the unfairness God allows us to have to deal with. We may now have enough to survive on, but still, here we are working just as hard as anyone else, and we’re living like bums in a motel while my rat’s tumor continues to grow to nearly half her size! This is a quieter motel than most, but it’s a motel nonetheless. On top of that, I still don’t have the benefits that are rightfully mine, and he doesn’t have the money he’s entitled to either. I’m sick of seeing people get rich for doing nothing more than just breathing while we struggle for the basics we should have anyway. I’ve settled enough! Funny farms, jails, projects, rocking apartment complexes, rocking houses, no more! So we agreed to do whatever it takes to get a house, and if God still wants us to live so He can have people shit on us, then He better not stand in our way! I’m sure He’ll make sure it’s a noisy house, but if that’s the best we can do, fine. At least it’ll be a house and while it may include barking, screaming, door slamming and car stereos, the TVs, house stereos, footsteps, cabinets and house doors will at least be eliminated. The question still remains as to just how much work that’ll take and how long.

After we lose the appeal and God gets another laugh at our expense, the whole state of Oregon can go to hell! Really, I hope all those mountains erupt and toss all those Unemployment jerks right into the Pacific, limb by broken limb! They’re gonna be under the influence for a while…of me!

Speaking of influencing, I’m trying hard not to be emotional as hard as it can be under the circumstances, cuz I know that this is when the influencing can turn on me and make things worse for us. This is how God takes advantage of me, and I know I’m really vulnerable right now. Tom sees it as a psychic ability, but I see it more as a curse cuz I haven’t won a million bucks yet. Not even 20 grand.

It hasn’t rained since we’ve been here, which will be one month as of tomorrow.

The only slight ray of hope, which is probably just a tease from above, is that the boss lady asked Tom for his resume. If he gets hired on, there’s the potential, or so there at least appears to be, for big bucks, if not close to it. But all these opportunities don’t exactly do us any good if they’re not going to come through for us when we really need them the most. Hopefully, we’ll know more soon after the boss goes over his resume. Then Tom can do the math this weekend and get an estimate as to how long it’d take to get into a house. There are some things worth settling for in life and some that aren’t, and so unless you dig noise and are a heavy sleeper, western apartments are nothing to settle for! I’d rather stay here longer to get what we want than to quickly jump into an apartment as much as we miss our stuff.

If I weren’t so fat I’d never be able to sleep on these sucky mattresses. They’re hard as hell.

I forgot to mention getting a letter from Mary with funny Barbie pictures. There was transgender Barbie, exotic dancer Barbie and gangsta bitch Barbie.

We got a kick out of how she said, “I agree with Tom about your influencing ability. It’s cool of Tom to understand you as he does. I envy your relationship. Too bad he’s not a woman who preferably looks like Kate Jackson.”

We were cracking up over that last line!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22, 2007 God’s little bum and favorite whipping boy – or lady, in my case – signing in in a foul mood. Yeah, just when we think we may have it made He deals us yet another humiliating blow and allows yet another hurdle to be cast in front of us. No, we’re not looking at being homeless, in which we agreed to kill ourselves before we allowed this ultimate degradation in our lives, but we may not eat much or even have enough gas for the damn truck until Friday when he gets paid, thanks to the Unemployment people and thanks to God, who no doubt had a helping hand in making sure they fucked with us. I still think God will have them pay up so we can’t get the big bucks in the end, but we need the money now. Instead, I’m sure it will come Friday, along with his paycheck, the $100 that was locked on our card, and who knows what else? We know damn well that it’s when we have money that we get it, not when we need it most.

Because our wonderful God cares about us so much and looks out for us, Tom won’t be able to work Saturday because he’ll be too busy having to cash checks and either pay for us to stay here another week, or find another motel like this elsewhere that may be even further from his job, and we’re already too far away as it is.

Thanks, God, we really need this shit in our lives and at our ages. Thanks for allowing us to be broke for the millionth time at our ages and with how hard we work. Meanwhile, what’s my mother worth these days? One million? Two million? More? How much more fucking money are you showering upon her as I write this?

I appreciate His not throwing us on the streets and forcing me to kill myself to get out of it, though He probably didn’t want to drive me to suicide just so he could curse me with shit like this even more, not that we need it either! We don’t need it, we don’t deserve it, and I’m sick of the never-ending cycle of poverty, noise and other bullshit! Damn Him for allowing it to happen over and over again! What comes next? The inevitable rocking apartment? Why not? We’re not allowed to live where we want to anyway.

We’re never going to be allowed to settle down anywhere in peace without one problem after another. The only reason we had an easier life in the Oregon house was that the house and climate sucked. We can never have our cake and eat it too.

MONDAY, AUGUST 20, 2007 Tom worked an hour and a half overtime. He said he’s not sure, but he thinks that in California they have to pay you for overtime each day that you work over 8 hours. That’d be awesome! He also thinks that as he learns the system, he’ll be the fastest worker and will catch them up on the overtime, but hopes that by then we’ll have enough saved to get into a place. I just hope that if it has to be on someone else’s yard or driveway it’s at least not attached to anyone else’s place!

Today was quieter. Just the usual scattering of doors, bumps and bangs, but no music or TVs. I was surprised to sleep uninterrupted as I did from 10:30 - 5:00 when he got in, then I dozed on and off till after 7:00.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19, 2007 Again I dreamt we were in a house. It was a dump. The back door didn’t even have a lock. By law, they can’t rent houses without locks, so maybe it’s just symbolizing that yes, we may be able to get a house, but it’ll have to be another dump. I’d take a dumpy house over a dazzling apartment any day. Even though I was only in the kitchen in this dream, a Western apartment wouldn’t have a back door, so I knew it was a house.

The poster spirit, whom I’ve dubbed “Susie,” says we’ll be going to a house, so this will be her ultimate test to see if she’s for real or not.

When Tom explained just how much money we could sue for if they don’t send that Unemployment check next week, I came to believe right along with him that yes, they’ll send it. I’m sure God would rather us be able to get into a house than pocket about 6 grand, plus maybe even get my benefits reinstated, too. Besides, it’s not like the house would be any more peaceful than the Oregon dump was, just hopefully not as wild as an apartment or a duplex. The check will be for about a grand. If I’m right in assuming we’d need about $1600 to get into a house, then that’s just an extra hundred we’d need as opposed to an apartment.

I asked Tom if he thought I was keeping Tinkerbell alive and he said yes. The tumor’s now bigger than her head and she can barely get around. She never comes out anymore unless I take her out. But the good thing is that she doesn’t appear to be in any pain, and she still eats well which is her favorite thing to do. But despite her lack of pain and my love for her, should I let her go? Can I let her go? I know I don’t want to!

Later…

Today I got woken up 3 times, though not by Tom. He was fine, it was all the rude, attention-getters around us. Yeah, the place was anything but quiet today. It was very apartment-like. First I woke up because someone had to blast their music, then twice I woke up to door slamming, though I did sleep well otherwise. I got up at 7:00, and the housekeeper will be here around 9:00 the day after tomorrow.

Tom said the music went on for two hours and was coming from perhaps a few doors down. He also said people were slamming doors everywhere, and next door was blasting their TV, I guess to drown it out. We’ve got someone on the other side of us now too, who checked in yesterday. Being in the West, of course, no one would complain about it any more than they’d ever complain about the car stereos, barking dogs or screaming kids. Tom said he considered calling but didn’t want to disturb me. I was already disturbed, I told him, so anytime he wants to call about whatever, he can just do so.

Why can’t they just shut up??? Why do they all have to make such a show of themselves everywhere we go? Everyone wants to shine, to stand out, to be heard, noticed, recognized and acknowledged, and to hell with who gets put out along the way. They just gotta take center stage no matter what! People are a problem everywhere and today was just another reminder of how important it is to try to grab the wheel of the driver’s seat of our lives and get as far away from them as possible. I wouldn’t want an apartment these days even if I was a sound sleeper who could always sleep at night. Sleeping is only half the problem. The other half is trying to live and function in peace while I’m awake. The stereos are too loud to deal with apartments these days, let alone the stomping and door slamming. When I was last in apartments you could only hear blasting stereos in apartments you were connected to, not those a few doors down!

Someone’s also got a dog here that barks every so often. It’s not nearly as often or as loud as the canal dog was, but it’s audible.

I hope that since we’re coming up to the weekdays again people will quiet down. I also hope we have a better idea this week of how much longer we’ll be here. This place is still quieter than any apartment could ever be so I’d still rather hold out longer for a house than leave here quicker for an apartment. Even if the apartment had a 3-month lease, that’s plenty of time to drive me either completely insane or to beat the snot out of someone. And if that someone happens to be black or Hispanic, they’re going to insist I did it because of that and not because they were rude assholes. And who do you think would be believed?

I wish those adjacent and underneath us would check out, but that’s just the thing. This isn’t an ordinary motel. Not everyone stays here for just a night or two. Besides, if they left, someone else would check right in.

Jessie thanked me for the latest link I sent, saying that with the expenses she has, bringing Bella to Disneyland is getting harder to accomplish. Yeah, that’s why I haven’t wanted kids for so long. It’s hard enough to accomplish things for just Tom and me. So Bella’s her daughter’s name? That was my nicer grandmother’s name. It means beautiful in Italian. I wouldn’t have guessed she would give her such a boring name. I pictured her naming her something like Ashley, Meagan or Brittney.

She still doesn’t know if she’s moving yet. She should just be glad she’s in a house!

I decided to mail in the beauty basket forms by regular mail since these fax machines can’t be trusted and since they charge too much. The bigger the win, the harder it is to get them to me, so it seems, and the more they cost. But sending the forms by regular mail will not only up the chances of their delivery, but it’ll also be the cost of a stamp instead of $6.

The gunsight is going to be delivered tomorrow, so hopefully we can turn that worthless win into some cash, even if it’s only a fraction of what it’s worth. I compiled a list of half a dozen gun shops for Tom to take it to in Sacramento, Elk Grove and Rancho Cordova. It’s worth about $250, so we’ll probably get $50 for it. UPS called with an automated message saying it’d be delivered tomorrow and needs to be signed for. That’s the good of having the mail place. Sure I miss having stuff delivered right to me when I’m awake, but when I’m not awake it’s nice to know someone will sign for things, even though Tom has to pick them up.

I’ve been backing up my documents in Yahoo’s Notepad. It’s a very time-consuming task because you can only put about 10 pages of text in each file. I’m going to end up with over 500 files that way, but at least there doesn’t seem to be a file limit, which makes no sense. If you’re going to allow someone that many files, why not let them put more in them?

Someone just slammed their door twice really hard. Now that’s not someone trying to draw attention to themselves? Yeah, right!

At least I’m back to kicking ass on Netwinner!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17, 2007 I forgot to mention earlier that they’ve asked him if he’d work Saturdays, which is good. We’d love the extra money, but I worry he won’t have much time for other things.

It’s the selling of stuff at our ages that really bothers me. We want to sell the guitar, yes, but we should only be doing it because we want to and not because we have to. There’s just no escaping the past. It always comes back to haunt us. To be reduced to needing to do this all over again is insulting, infuriating and humiliating! I should ask God what I asked the Queen the last time around – what do we do when we run out of stuff to sell? Sell our souls? For now, I guess all I can do is keep on visualizing good things.

Later…

I feel a little better today. Especially since we won’t be homeless before the 25th. Tom sold the guitar and so now we’ll be here till then. I don’t know if we’ll be in this room, but I hope so. Despite there being just one bed, the AC having a broken auto setting, the microwave having a broken carousel and a few noisy moments, this place is still amazingly quiet.

I heard them leave next door at 8:00 this morning and return at 10:00 tonight. They slammed, banged and threw shit around as if they were in a race to see how fast they could unpack or do whatever it was they were doing, then it went quiet after 10 minutes. There were a few stereos in the parking lot too, and according to Tom, someone blared music a few doors down, but we couldn’t hear it in here. This place is so quiet, though, overall that my schedule’s starting to flip. I slept pretty well from 9:00-5:00.

Anyway, I don’t know if we’ll be able to stay in this room or if we’ll have to move. If we have to move, I hope the room will be as quiet as this one! If not, we’ll have to have the housekeeper here this weekend, so I expect my schedule to be disrupted soon either way.

Work is still going well and Tom worked in a different area today. He said people were surprised he’s working tomorrow since he hasn’t been there a week yet, though technically, he isn’t working overtime since he didn’t work Monday. Let’s hope he dazzles his way to a sufficient raise real soon!

Next Friday he’ll get a check for about $300 from work, and I’m still waiting on that $100 Walmart card Netwinner owes me. And of course there’s whatever deposit money we may get back from the Oregon dump, and a $50 rebate from Best Western. Oh, and there’s also $100 that got locked that we’ll have access to next Friday.

The beauty basket lady, Dana, said she never received the forms we faxed so we’ll fax them again.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 16, 2007 I’m kind of bummed out right now for obvious reasons. There’s been a mix of good and bad, you could say. First of all, it turns out that yes, there are people next door who I saw wheeling in a shopping cart of all things, and they were a little bangy for a few hours, but this place has still been way quieter than any other motel or apartment could ever be. I still don’t think there’s anyone on the other side of us, but the closer it gets to the weekend, the more I expect it’ll fill up. At least you don’t feel other people’s footsteps as if they were just inches away!

I got my incense from the Stickman. He was nice enough to give me a few Cotton Candy sticks, as well as sandalwood cones, on top of the Angel, Fast Cash and Hugo Boss sticks I won. I don’t like this Sandalwood, though.

I finally got caught up on the sweeps dating back to the 7th. The connection got more reliable than usual last night, so I swept all the while he slept. My ass was so sore from sitting on it for so many hours, but it was worth it. It’s been boring not being able to sweep and too wound up to work on stories.

I’m wondering if I’ll ever get that beauty basket. If there were any problems with the forms I faxed and that lady emailed me, I wouldn’t know it because it would’ve gone to the Hotmail account I could never get back into. I looked on the forms but couldn’t find her email address.

Later…

I found the person’s email address online and sent her a message asking if the prize was on its way. I also blasted Hotmail for ignoring us about why I still can’t get into my account.

The plan was for me to get some charcoal this weekend, seal up the bathroom with duct tape, and just let the carbon monoxide carry me away from this cruel, unfair world. Away from knowing we’ll probably struggle financially most of our lives, never get to live in a peaceful place, never get the disability benefits I qualify for and have a right to, etc. As it is, we may not even get the damn Unemployment we’re also entitled to! It’s his money that he worked for yet when he called today he got, “I don’t understand why you quit before getting another job,” and as he had to explain to them yet again, no one would hire him in California while he was still up in Oregon. I wasn’t kidding when I said Oregon was one fucked up state, and this is just one of many reasons! But Mr. Hopeful here thinks he can still get what’s his, and asked that while he’ll still support me if I want to go, he wants me to consider holding off another week to help him get through the next week by being there for him, saying that if we can get through the next week, we’ll have it made. Have it made in that we probably won’t end up on the streets at that point. Not as long as we sell the expensive guitar for the measly $250 they said they’d pay for it today when Tom stopped in to ask about it. We don’t want the thing and it didn’t cost anything since I won it, but $250 kinda sucks since it’s worth about a grand. Still, some money’s better than none.

Sure it would be great if we could stay off the streets and not lose our stuff that’s in storage, but not knowing if life will get better anytime soon isn’t very encouraging. I was freaking out thinking we’d need a grand or two to get into a place, but he said we could get into an apartment, even though it’s not what we want, for about $500, and in about a month since most complexes have move-in specials where you only pay the deposit, unlike houses. Of course we could get into what we don’t want. That’s always easy and that’s the problem! Why is a modest house with just a little bit of extra money left over after the expenses are paid, and the right to not have to hear other people’s music and dogs so damn much to ask for??? Instead, the best we might be able to do anytime soon is get into an apartment and listen to all the banging, the hours and hours of TVs and stereos blaring, etc. I think I’d rather stay here, though I miss my stuff and having more than one room to live in.

I was surprised when Tom explained to me how California was different than the rest of the country. He’s lived here before and having grown up right next door he knows more about it than I do. I’m glad one of the things that are better is that it doesn’t take a fortune to get into a place. I’m also glad they don’t favor any particular races, religions or sexual orientations. The religious fanatics are definitely the favorites of Oregon, while blacks and Mexicans are the stars of Arizona.

Tom said I misunderstood him about my being clairvoyant and so he cleared me up on that. He said he always knew I was clairvoyant as well as an influencer, but that the two are intertwined from what he can see. He says I may sense things about the future, but that because I tend to latch onto the negatives I see, that’s what can influence them to actually happen. Maybe so, but it’s awfully hard to see anything good to latch onto while we’re broke, living in motels, and driving a piece of shit. If there is any good, it’s that at least we’re in California, even though my dreams of living here never included poverty, motels, apartments and stuff like that.

In other good news, they’re really impressed with Tom’s computer skills, so unless whatever’s up there is just teasing him with false hope, it looks more and more promising for advancement. He hopes to get hired on by Comtek itself if a better-paying job doesn’t come his way. Right now, though, he’s considered a Volt employee which is the temp agency that placed him at Comtek. Speaking of temp agencies, another one called today. When he has time, probably on his lunch break tomorrow, he’ll see what they have to offer. I don’t see it happening if I’m right about something up there wanting to hold us back at least for a while, but if he gets an offer for a better-paying job, he’ll want to check it out.

He thinks I influenced him to get a job so fast, but I think that one can be credited to the internet.

He says that the more things didn’t work out in Oregon, the more he believes I’m right about what I said when we broke down in Merced on the way up there, about this being where we’re meant to be. That’s what I always thought too, but right now there’s so much uncertainty in our lives to be sure of anything. When we broke down and his brother came up from Madera just so we could get a lousy $16 part, Tom had said, “I think something’s testing us to see how bad we want to get to Oregon.”

In response to this, I muttered, “Or trying to tell us to stay out of there.”

Losing a bare 2-acre parcel in Oregon didn’t hurt as much as losing a 10-acre lot with a brand new 2000-square-foot home in Arizona, but see why these things make me think we’ll never find our place on this earth?

I think Tom may have a point about not focusing on the negs so as not to make them happen, so to speak. It’s hard at times, but in a way, he understands my abilities better than I do. See, the night before he started his new job I did some visualizing spells. I would “see” good things happening. I’d see them being way impressed, wanting to up his pay and make him one of the managers and things like that. Then ironically enough, they were drooling over his knowledge in just a few days of work, telling him things like not to worry if he’s a few minutes late.

It’s a two-way street, so it seems. The more I concentrate on how pissed I am at certain family members of ours for using and abusing us before abandoning us altogether, the more likely they are to get sick.

The Stickman said no one’s ever won the incense I love so much more than once. I’ve won 3 times.

So I’ll try to see good things and hopefully, that will help influence us into a better situation. Unless I see something bad that could harm us, like a potential accident.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14, 2007 Tom’s asleep now on the recliner. He was drooling on the room’s one bed earlier. I’m sick of all these one-bedded rooms! But with fewer families and more couples and singles, one bed is the norm now. It’s getting harder and harder to find a room with two beds each year.

Ever since we left Oregon I’ve been lucky to climb a couple of hundred points on Netwinner, let alone a couple thousand. Again I have to wonder, was it something about that house? Something about playing from motels? Or is it the way my life is now that’s influencing it? Well, I certainly don’t miss Oregon or the house, but I sure miss having a life! I miss having a routine. I miss sweeping, my stereo, my dolls, my own bed, sleeping alone, etc. I hate this one-room deal and not having much privacy or space. Now that he’s working, though, it shouldn’t be as big a deal.

This place has been unbelievably quiet. Quieter than the Oregon house was. I can’t believe that we can get so much peace in such a big building! It’s almost like motels in the 70s again. There are only 3 floors, but each side has 22 rooms per floor. I think there’s someone under us, but that’s it. It’s definitely way too quiet for anyone to be on either side of us. People need to stomp and slam doors these days, so I’m sure I’d know it if someone were there. In the other motels, I needed both the sound machine and earplugs to get any peace, but here I could sleep with just the sound machine if I were going to sleep when he was leaving for work.

The good news is that the work is simple. He just inputs incoming parts into the computer and stuff like that. He says he thinks they’ll keep him and that he sees plenty of opportunity for overtime and advancement, and while his area only does days, there are other areas with other shifts. They’re not allowed to do overtime the first week, but hopefully he’ll get to do it after that.

It sure was stressful, not knowing if the truck would get him there, or if they’d screwed up and weren’t expecting him, or if they’d let him go. To have to start hunting for another job at this time would be devastating because we’d be on the streets for damn sure before he got re-hired elsewhere, though as I told God, He can lead us to the streets, but He cannot make me live on them! It’s still a scary thought, though, considering that out of the dozens of applications he’s submitted, only one responded.

The question is, how many months of living in motels do we have ahead of us if we don’t get tossed on the streets and forced to die? At least I would be forced to die. I’d want to die in that case! I’d still like to think nothing up there could hate us that much. As it is we’re back to being His little underdogs with enough problems. We can’t have anything reliable to drive, I can’t work too, and we don’t have a place to live. Isn’t that bad enough?!

MONDAY, AUGUST 13, 2007 Extended Stay Hotel…

We came to an Extended Stay motel on the northern edge of Sacramento yesterday (they refer to this area as Northgate), and it’s been way quiet up here on the third floor with just a few scattered bumps and bangs and pipes popping. This is a tiny suite that’s equipped with a mini kitchen and they only do housekeeping once a week, so there’s no being pestered by housekeepers and nobody pacing overhead for hours at a time either. It’s only $40, which beats the $70 that Best Western was charging, but if things don’t go well with the new job or Unemployment, we may have to get into a scummy place that charges $28 and hope it doesn’t take too long to resave the money we’d need to get into a place. So did God do us a favor by denying our request for the Citrus Heights apartment? As of yet, I can’t see how He did. Not unless He was saving us from another one of those extremes He otherwise loves to sic on us.

Before coming here we drove to his place of work so he wouldn’t get lost tomorrow and end up late. It’s in a flat, remote area that looks like it could be Arizona. It’s actually a manufacturing company of some kind that repairs computer hardware. Tomorrow will be his first day there, and in a sense, Judgment Day for us both. If a raise and or overtime doesn’t look promising at this job, and if the Unemployment people keep playing with us, we may still be heading for the streets, but like I said, I won’t be reduced to that. Tom can do what he wants, but I’ll gladly kill myself first!

After we found Comtek, but before we checked into the motel, we went to the IHOP which they didn’t have up in Oregon. It was good but shitty cuz it was packed. A zillion off-brands, too. I wish they were a rare sighting! Not just for obvious reasons, but because then seeing them would be more special, more interesting. But when every other person is black or Hispanic, it brings nothing new but the usual problems.

With the net being so slow and so unreliable, there hasn’t been much to do. Tom’s had his share of work, though. Today he did laundry and got a new alternator for the truck which took an hour to replace. So we’ll see what it’ll need next in a few days and how much that’ll cost. The piece of shit is going to eat our money along with the damn motels! But we’re probably years away from ever owning anything reliable.

I just hope our chances of survival will be looking better tomorrow than they do now! We’ll know soon enough, though.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10, 2007 I fell asleep earlier than expected last night so I’m still caught up on my sleep. Wow, I didn’t think I’d get to sleep two days in a row for ages!

I was psyched when Tom came in a few hours later and told me he’d been hired by that temp agency. Despite its pros and cons, it seems promising, but of course, so did his last job. They’re sending him to a place called Comtek. I guess they make electronic-related things, but he doesn’t know for sure or even if it’ll be in a warehouse or a manufacturing company. The other good thing is that it’s in Rocklin, our first choice for working/living cuz it has rural areas. Sac may be fine for shopping and things like that, but I don’t want to live there. That’s where the gangs and druggies are. It’s like comparing Springfield to Agawam, or Phoenix to Maricopa and K-Falls.

The bad news is that it’s only $10 and it’s on days, but I’m just so glad he’s hired somewhere! Even if it was for less than $9, we just wanted him to get something. Where he was getting frustrated, my excitement and stress were quickly turning into downright fear! We’re as dumb as we are brave, you could say, to just up and go with nothing more than a few grand. I started beating myself up for believing him when he said we’d be ok, and for not insisting we hold out till we had more like 10 grand saved. We’re still not quite out of the woods yet, though this is the first and biggest step. They gave him an anti-static smock, but he still has to get steel-toed boots, a new alternator for the heap of shit we drive, and then figure out where to go from here.

We can’t stay here cuz it’s too expensive. I don’t expect to find a house right away cuz they don’t usually advertise online like apartments. I guess the best we can hope for is either a super cheap motel (if there is such a thing here) or a 1-bedroom apartment with a 3-month lease. Then we could shop around for the right house in either Rocklin or Lincoln. All I know is that I hate motels and apartments! A tooth house would be heaven compared to that, though I’d still prefer to get a house with some breathing space around it.

There’s no guarantee that this will turn into a full-time job, but from what he’s said and from his qualifications, it looks like it very well could, and I’m sure he could advance quickly. He went from $7.30 an hour in Oregon to $13 in just over a year, and he’s pretty sure they’d advance him further and quicker in a place like that because they know they’re not paying him what his skills are worth to begin with. If he could get overtime, that’d be great, too. For now, we’re not going to be able to make decisions as far as where to go is concerned until we know more about the job.

We’re pretty much on a mission here. If we don’t end up on the streets, first we get him settled into a job. Then we go after the state for the grand or so of Unemployment he’s entitled to that they still haven’t given him, using my ear as his reasons for quitting his job in Oregon, which truly is one of the many reasons, then we go after the government for the benefits that are rightfully mine. That may only be a few hundred a month, but a few hundred is a few hundred. In between all this, we hope to find a smart dentist who will knock all these messed up teeth outa my mouth, and an ear specialist to clean this canal they never should’ve drilled! The temp agency itself has a plan that’ll cost the same for both of us as Tom had to pay for just himself up in Oregon. It’s nice to know, as much as I hate doctors and having to go back to playing appointments, that I’ll soon be insured again after nearly 4 years!

My lungs have been ok and my ear is better. I suppose it’ll take time to see what new problems I’ll develop here. After all, I didn’t get hit with those killer allergy attacks until about a year after moving to Phoenix, and my ear didn’t become a problem once again till we’d been in Oregon for 6 months.

The question as to whether or not God did us a favor in denying our request for the Citrus Heights apartment remains a mystery. Considering that he landed a job in Rocklin, yeah, it’s a favor. But if we end up stuck in apartments for several months, then no. All it’ll do is cost us more money and put us through more chaos and hassles between the motels, apartment and storage.

There are pros and cons to extending our motel time and going straight to a house versus going to an apartment first. The apartment would be cheaper and I wouldn’t have to dodge housekeepers and we could have our stuff, but it would also be noisier and more work for him since he’d have to move our stuff at least twice. But an apartment would also give us time to shop around without as much pressure. In a way, I wish we could pitch a tent and stay in that! But we wouldn’t have any place to shower or an AC.

Lincoln has a lot of Mexicans cuz of all the farms, but fortunately, the blacks didn’t even make the stats list cuz there are so few of them. At least one of us can speak Spanish with these housekeepers. Most of them don’t know English. I gave the extra brushes I didn’t want to the one that came today.

I updated Jessie on what she agreed must be stressful as well as exciting, and we went to Big Lots for some treats and soda. That’s an awesome store. They have all kinds of fun stuff with serious discounts. We grabbed a phone cord while we were there cuz this Wi-Fi bullshit is so unreliable. We’d rather have something slow than be knocked offline every other minute.

Tinkerbell is still alive, to my utter amazement. I wish the spells could be as good at destroying her tumor as they are at keeping her alive. I miss the old Tinkerbell who used to drive me crazy by getting into everything. The one who loved to explore and chase me around the house. The one who fell in the toilet, got caught in spider traps, ran off with my lip gloss, coupons and shopping lists. The one who climbed my pant leg, then up my shirt to perch on my shoulder and watch me do the dishes.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 9, 2007 I’m having one of those days where I’m caught up on my sleep, so I thought I’d do a little updating.

The last two days were a killer stress-wise. It was looking like we might run out of money before we could get a check from either the Unemployment people or a job, and this still may happen, in which case I would kill myself for sure by carbon monoxide. There’s no way I’d let God throw me on the streets, though whether or not Tom went with me would be his choice. However, it’s looking very promising as far as him getting a job in Rocklin at a shipping and receiving place. It’s a temp job, and I guess if they like you they hire you on full-time and give you a raise. He’s certainly qualified for this job, according to the description he read to me. The bad news is that it is day-shift and low-paying, but at least it’s a buck higher than I thought at $10 an hour. He thinks he could advance quickly. Let’s hope so, although all I care about at this point is not ending up on the streets and being forced to kill myself in a motel on a hard, cold, uncomfortable tile floor in the bathroom. An apartment may be just as noisy as a motel, but I’d rather die there with my own stuff, in my own bed, on my own terms, and without housekeepers. I just want him employed! So does he. The amazing thing is that Rocklin was his first choice as far as what town he wanted to work and live in because it has rural areas! That’d be a first – God letting us go where we want. But if we’re in an apartment, why wouldn’t He? I guess we could do what we did in Oregon and go from the motels to a rocking duplex where we could take our time to shop around for the right house. Only this time around we’d probably be going from the motels to an apartment instead, though shared walls are shared walls, period. By then I’ll be beyond sick of moving and beyond used to noise that I may say “fuck it,” and just stay put as much as I’d hate it. It’d be nice if I could do that. If I could make myself a heavy sleeper who didn’t mind the banging, the music, the horns and all the other shit, I’d really have it made! Especially since it’d only be a matter of time before circumstances put us right back there anyway. I know one thing for sure, though, and that’s that we aren’t changing states again until he’s retired! This time around is much scarier than last time. The last time was mostly depressing because that’s when I knew without a doubt that I’d never get to live where I wanted to. Better yet, I could live where I wanted to, but not in what I wanted to. So that sad reality slapping me in the face like it did had me really bummed out. But the last time he at least had a job before we had to play motel, and we were looking for a place in a town where the rents are half of what they are here. What makes this time around so much scarier is not having any income from either a job, Unemployment, or anything else.

Other than being exhausted most of the time and stressed out, and other than the person above us stomping around and throwing things on the floor every so often, neither of us miss that Oregon dump one bit. I don’t like how there are more people and traffic here, but I do like that we’re in the Cali sun! It still hasn’t hit me that I made it here. That I live here. I don’t think that’ll happen while my mind’s so preoccupied with day-to-day survival.

Overall, this place is rather comatose compared to the Motel 6, though I’m sick of us living in one room! I like space and privacy at times and being able to go into another room, other than a bathroom, and shut the door. I miss sleeping in my own bed/room too, but thanks to the earplugs, sleep mask and sound machine, we can sleep in the same room. Still, I miss being able to sleep with just the sound machine. I can ditch the mask, but I sure can’t ditch anything else in an apartment! There’ll be too many vibrations and loud sounds to sleep very well there. I doubt I’ll be able to go more than a few days at a time without any wake-up calls. Like I said, I’d just be thrilled for him to get a job and save us from the streets! We’ve agreed, like I also said, not to let it come to that (referring to killing myself) because there’s no way we could make it on the streets anyway. He might be able to since he can keep a schedule and deal with heat and cold, but I couldn’t because of my schedule. Not that I could get any sleep in a shelter anyway at night when they let you in. And where would I go in the daytime when they kick you out? Even if we could make it on the streets, I think we deserve much better than that. Especially at our age. I would never allow myself to be belittled like that by God. I may not be able to stop Him from picking out the noisiest people for us to have to live with, or from being dirt poor all over again, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be tossed onto the streets like yesterday’s garbage!

We walked to a thrift store earlier where I got a paperback book.

My thinning shears arrived today and I thinned my hair in the back, towards the nape of my neck.

I also got that brush set I won. Two of the brushes are useless to me because they’re round and they can get tangled in my hair easily. The housekeeper can have them. The set had a large regular brush, though, that’s great. It also came with a treatment spray.

I’ve been getting a surprising number of letters from Mary. As smart as she is, she can be naive and immature at times, especially where guys are concerned, though it’s kind of funny.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 7, 2007 Best Western…

We left the Motel 6 yesterday and I am so, so glad to be outa there! On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst, Tom said he’d give it a 9. I’m leaning more toward a 10. It was so NHA-like! Someone was obviously dealing drugs from there which would explain the round-the-clock activity. Even at 4 AM there was honking and shouting in the parking lot. That parking lot was worse than our old street because up there they just whizzed by doing their shit. In the parking lot, though, they’d sit there with the damn music, horns and whatnot blasting.

We’re now at the Best Western in Roseville. It’s way quieter here. Probably the quietest place so far, although since no one can walk normally, we do hear stomping upstairs from time to time. But being on the ground floor, I can’t hear or feel it much with the wax plug-in so long as I’m not leaning against the wall. If I lean against the headboard which is against the wall, then I can feel it. Whoever it is walks like they’re pissed as hell. Fortunately, though, they don’t do this too often. Just for a little while in the evenings. The door-slamming here is the quietest ever. I hear them close when I don’t have an earplug in, but not slam. This is about as good as it gets for not being before the 90s when you didn’t hear shit.

The room itself is much better too, and this one even has a coffeemaker.

I was too tired to do laundry with Tom yesterday in Carmichael before we came here at around noon. He went back out by himself to a scummy place while I took a nap for a couple of hours. Because I’m now relatively caught up on my sleep, I’ll only get 4 hours tomorrow. I seem to get just a few hours every other day. I just wish I could sleep from 11 PM - 7 AM every day of my life! That’d eliminate half the problem. Then all I’d have to deal with would be people’s inability to shut the fuck up.

It’s gorgeous out there now. If only we could enjoy it without the job/housing problems.

We just came back from a pizza place where a few animals were running around and screaming like the devil was after them, parents and friends completely deaf, dumb and blind to it all, and now we’re relaxing again. Tom probably won’t be up much longer, but I should be.

Yesterday I got two letters from Mary. When I first saw them I was like, “Come on! I’m homeless, I’m jobless, give me a break!” But she didn’t ask for anything. She just told me about a 24-year-old who had been in for a while with bleach-blond spiked hair that she had her first girl crush on and is wondering if she could be bisexual. She was so like a boy, she said, and she wonders if that’s her type. Regardless of her type, is she just now figuring out the fact that she’s bi? She may prefer men, but I’ve always known she wouldn’t think twice with the right woman. She said she never did anything with this girl because the girl was spoken for and very faithful. She also said she was afraid to fall in love cuz love equals pain.

I realized that now would be the ideal time to win incense, concentrated on that, and won. Now why can’t I do that with the big cash prizes??? It’s a good thing the Stickman contacted Tom with the PayPal form because I can’t get into my Hotmail account for some reason. Until we get a response back from them, we don’t know if it’s because someone stole my account, if they’re having problems, or if I screwed up somehow. It’s hard to believe I’d screw up after using the account for over two years now.

Another worthless, pain-in-the-ass win. Tom got a message saying I won a Lasergrip gun sight for the gun we don’t own. In just one week I’ve won about $600 worth of stuff. Why can’t it be in cash?! Tom’s going to call the company tomorrow. I guess we get to choose the one we want. We’ll either get one we can eventually get a gun to go with, or we’ll just try to sell it. It’s worth about $250. I sure would like to have a gun to kill myself with, since I couldn’t go to a prison and ask to borrow a lethal injection so I could just fall asleep and never wake up again. I’ve made up my mind that unless I miraculously hit it big or he lands a job with enough pay for a house, now would be a good time to die. I don’t know why I’m being punished. I only know that I am. So if I know I’m in for a lifetime of chaos, noise and financial troubles, why not go now? Before my eyes get worse. Before I have the hassles of dealing with my teeth. Before hopelessly fighting for the benefits that are rightfully mine. Before I get old and arthritic?

I just wanted to go in the Cali sun, not in a dump on a cold, snowy mountain. If we ended up with enough money for a house, then maybe I’d consider plugging along, so long as it wasn’t like Phoenix, but I’m just about 99.9% sure we’re going to end up in one of two places – on the streets or in an apartment. And an apartment wouldn’t be much more peaceful than motels either. It’d just be the same people making the ruckus, as opposed to mostly new people each day. Well, the only way to escape a curse is to kill myself. I can’t be cursed with never being allowed to live in peace and where I want if I’m dead. I don’t want to live a life of settling. If I can’t be in the driver’s seat of my life, then what’s the point? The more I live life feeling like a puppet on strings I can never grab hold of, the older it gets, and the less hopeful I get as far as seizing control over those strings.

I had considered death by starvation, figuring it’d be the easiest way to go, but I don’t want to start this in a motel and have to deal with housekeepers butting in along the way. It may be just as noisy in an apartment, but at least there I could die there without anyone interfering and in my own bed with my own stuff, assuming we don’t lose it and end up on the streets. Tom’s promised me that he’ll help me to go quickly if we do, and believe me I’m going to make him live up to this promise, too! The quickest way would be to seal myself up in a bathroom and die of carbon monoxide poisoning from charcoal.

He thinks he’ll be employed this week. I hope so, for his sake, because he’s not going to want to die either way. Still, I’m afraid our money will run out before he gets checks from either a job or the Unemployment people.

Sometimes I wonder if some of the pranks I used to pull that seemed so minor, really ended up having bigger consequences than I could ever have imagined and that that’s why I’m being punished, though I was cursed before I was even born when you consider who I was born to. Still, did I prank someone who was depressed or who had a weak heart? And if so, did my calls push them over the edge?

So many questions, but never any answers! All I know is that things are obviously never going to change, and when they do, it won’t be for long or without some kind of price attached to it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 5, 2007 I was too exhausted to write yesterday thanks to all the rude assholes in this world and our lovely God above. I was pretty close to hurting someone over it, too! The night before last they wouldn’t shut up till 4 AM and after just 4 hours of sleep, a couple of cocks were out working on their car and decided to get a little attention while they were at it by playing with their alarm. Tom went down to the office and asked them to have the car moved, and they blew him off just like when we asked to change rooms. The second time the manager came out and by then I’d had it and went off on him. I was so furiously outraged because as far as I’m concerned management is just as bad as the guests for not having any kind of policy on these little attention-getters and their damn stereos and alarms.

I shouted, “We’ve been going through this shit now for nearly a week and I want our fucking money back!”

The manager, who’d just begun speaking to these other assholes then turned to me and shouted back, “Don’t talk to me like that!” He started towards the stairs at which Tom and I were at the top.

I then said, “Why don’t I just beat the shit out of you instead!”

The guy’s eyes widened and he came even closer to the base of the steps. That was dumb. I mean, I was beyond furious! If it hadn’t been for Tom convincing me I didn’t need to bother (since he never threatened or harmed us) the cock wouldn’t have made it all the way to the top of the stairs if he’d been dumb enough to try to, and I think he would’ve. That’s the funny thing about cocks. They think they can beat anything female, but I would bet just about anything that between the fact that I probably had 20 pounds on the guy and the fury boiling through me, I could’ve broken him in half in no time. That was incredibly bold and stupid of him to approach the base of the steps as it was with me being as furious as I was. Hell, I wouldn’t go near someone that pissed, and I hate to turn the other cheek and send the wrong message, but you know how males are. They never back down from a challenge or dare. But in the end, the guy didn’t have to go to the hospital and I didn’t have to go to jail, not that it would’ve been much wilder than this place. Every few minutes there’s something going on, be it doors slamming, feet stomping, people shouting, alarms, horns, stereos, you name it.

Anyway, the manager called the cops on the alarm players because they reacted the way people like that usually do when asked to quiet down – defiant and rebellious. As soon as the manager asked them to move, they started blaring the thing but made sure to split before the cops arrived. I was kind of surprised we weren’t kicked out too, but I think the manager realized hey, you don’t go messing with someone that enraged, and with damn good reason, and I think he realized it wouldn’t be wise to tangle with me. Rage is the main factor in fighting. Not your gender, not your height, not your weight, and believe me I was in what was beyond a psychotic rage at that point.

The best thing about this place is going to be getting out of it tomorrow morning! I finally got caught up on my sleep last night, so I’ll have to be exhausted tomorrow too since it seems I’m only allowed to sleep every other day. We still have to go to another motel, but at least the others have been only annoying. This one’s downright maddening! I’d stay on the streets or sleep under a bush before I stood in another Motel 6 ever again in my life! They don’t even have DO NOT DISTURB signs here. At least they don’t have paper-thin walls to go with the flimsy floors, and at least they have a pool. We went swimming twice, but mostly just for a quick dip to cool off. Today’s cooler and windy, but yesterday was 104º.

I love being in California and knowing I don’t have to deal with the cold and the snow, but there are too many people here and they really get on my nerves at times! There are not as many as Phoenix, but there are definitely more than K-Falls. Since I wouldn’t want to kill myself in any way that could be too excruciating or that I might botch, I sometimes think I should just stop eating. Then I’d just get weak and drift away. Away from all this chaos. We’re just not meant to live in peace no matter where we go! If my travel certificate to Italy was transferable or redeemable for cash, I’d sell it in a heartbeat! I do not want to travel and play motel again!

There’s been some fun mixed in with the craziness. We went clothes shopping for Tom so he’d have decent things to wear that were in style for interviews, although I don’t know if we’d call that part fun. This was yesterday after the shit with the alarmers/manager. We just wanted to get the hell out of this nuthouse for a while, once we saw that the manager wasn’t going to be dumb enough to piss me off even more.

We also went to Red Lobster like I’ve been dying to do for years now since there wasn’t any up in Oregon. This was both a good and a dumb idea. I love lobster but hated paying $25 for just 10 bites of it. At least I didn’t have to crack the shells which is a bitch. A lady did it for me who was teaching a new waiter how to do it. It was his first day, I guess.

We also browsed through Circuit City. They have some awesome headphones and some killer stereos, too. The stereos were a sad reminder of what was to be waiting for us in whatever apartment complex we get stuck in. After all, the last time we were in apartments they didn’t have such loud, basey stereos or TVs. I have my cheap headphones on now as I type. I can still feel the floor rumbling under me, but I can’t hear the non-vibrant shit going on around me till who knows how late into the night. Last night they shut up at 1 AM. Maybe they’ll quit at midnight tonight, but it’s quite a full house for a Sunday so I won’t count on it.

Today we went and grabbed a quick bite to eat, along with a few things we needed. I got new flip-flops which I haven’t had in quite a while. I’ve been wearing my brown strappy sandals. It’s nice to have something I can just slip into quickly. They have a pretty tropical design with palm trees and flowers.

I also got some shiny, diamond-studded hair clips to hold my bangs back which are now to my chin.

We also got that form printed out so we can fax it off tomorrow for that beauty basket I won.

At least other people were nice to us, though we did have to deal with your typical mom at Red Lobster who let her baby scream the whole time we were there.

I also won $10 in eBay credit. I got thinning shears to thin this old mop of mine out and get some of the weight off, along with some lavender incense.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3, 2007 I’d write more often, but usually I’m just too damn tired to do it. But today was one of those rare times where I got caught up on my sleep despite the many wake-up calls along the way, so I can write now.

Last night I got so fed up with this never-ending noise curse and our wonderful God who cares so much about me and what happens to me that I finally did a spell to back the shit off, and it’s helped a lot over the last 24 hours, but I still hear shit every so often. Not just the usual door-slamming and footsteps stomping, but people seem to love to shout outside our door as well. They also love to blast in and out of the parking lot. I don’t understand why motels and hotels don’t have policies about loud music in parking lots, but once again, people just don’t care.

I got so pissed off at the bastard in the sky that at one point I said, “Fine, go ahead. Sic all the noise you want on me if that’s all I fucking deserve!” Sure enough, it got noisier. That’s when I realized that yes He will grant my prayers. That is, only if I’m willing to pray for what I don’t want.

I’m trying my best to adapt and accept the fact that Tom’s going to have to suffer with a shitty-paying job he doesn’t like, and I can’t live in a house. The more I can hone my influencing skills, the better. Not that I can influence others to give a damn about those around them, but I’m hoping I can learn to tune their shit out because when little Johnny bounces his ball against the dividing wall of the apartment, his mother isn’t going to stop him and tell him that’s rude because she’ll have no concept of the meaning of the word herself.

Anyway, Tom’s put in for jobs he wants so far, but I think he’s starting to realize that that’s just not real life. No one gets what they want or likes their job, so he’s going to put in for tons of jobs he doesn’t want. He’s sure to get one that way!

I’m glad we’re in California and that I won’t have to deal with the cold and the snow because everything else is going to suck. It’s like I’m just sitting here, listening to people’s shit around me, knowing I’m destined to play out this part in a script that’s been written for me and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. It’s no fun knowing the inevitable is going to happen and that it’s not going to be what we want. But Tom’s going to get that low-paying job on days, and we’re going to live in an apartment. Period.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 2, 2007 Another day at the circus and we’re not much closer to leaving it anytime soon either. I’ve got my headphones on now, though I can feel the rumbling of footsteps underneath my chair. I swear some people want to annoy others and they go out of their way to do it, too. This is way, way beyond extreme! I didn’t know a motel room could possibly be this insane. The shaking would be maddening even if I were fully awake and well-rested. They’re not just stomping through the walkways, but in their rooms, too. And of course we have to listen to the stereos as well in the parking lot and driving down the main road. We are sooo cursed with noise! I know we’ll never get to live in peace and I’m not used to quiet places anyway, but this is total overkill. Even being squeezed into a tooth house on someone’s driveway and with their dog would be heaven compared to this, but I’m sure God will see to it that all we can afford is an apartment. He already helped see that we stay put. Yeah, we tried to move, but it’s so filled up here that there was no other room available. It was a total zoo here till 2:30 last night. A second floor with these flimsy floors was definitely a bad idea. We’d still get banging on the first floor, but not all the vibration from people stomping back and forth. Maybe someday I’ll learn that I’m simply not meant to live in peace. I haven’t lived in peace for nearly 20 years, so why should I think I ever will? Well, I know I won’t, I’m just still having a hard time accepting it. I still don’t see what I ever did to deserve this year after fucking year, decade after fucking decade. God didn’t deny us that apartment to ultimately do us a favor, He did it cuz He plans to throw us to the wolves. And why not drive me a little batty before actually doing so?

I had to get Claritin because my ear got so clogged up, but it isn’t doing a damn thing for my hunger this time around. Don’t worry, God, I’ll stay fat. You have complete control over that, too.

I heard from Mary, and surprisingly fast, too. She was glad to hear from me, and the closest she came to asking for any favors was to say that I could scan any copies of any pictures she sends and send her copies, but as I’ll tell her, I can’t even access my printer! Also, I’m not sending pictures until she gets out. There are too many problems getting them into her with all the power-hungry control freaks there and all their asinine rules.

She said she nearly shit when she read I won the Italy trip because that’s her dream vacation. I wish I could sell it to her! Ain’t life grand that way, though? Whatever your dreams are, there’s always someone else waiting to live them out for you.

She doesn’t know what’s going on with her case but says that in November of next year, she’ll have a 10-year sentence completed with 85% of the “good behavior” she needs. She says her lawyer says that after her testimony and the 10 years, she’ll be going home. Didn’t he tell her that years ago, and is she going to be released in November of ’08 or what?

She’s not sure where home is. Her brother in North Carolina said he’d let her stay with him, but she also wants to be in Arizona where her son is. She’s just “friends” with José these days because he’s immature and selfish, another thing I tried to tell her years ago, but she wasn’t ready to hear it. Like she could ever be anything more with the guy anyway what with the fact that he’s locked up for life!

She’s still into working out, meditation and praying (glad it works for one of us!).

I also heard from Jessie who said: “New beginnings for both of us, maybe you do bring good luck and good influence.”

Yeah, well, we’ll see just how long we’re stuck here, where we end up, and how broke we end up, too. Tom says that we should be ok cuz we don’t have any grand plans this time. Just trying to find a peaceful place to live is a grand plan in itself! It’ll never happen. I know it, God knows it, so why can’t I just accept it?

Jessie said it was weird not hearing from me, but I didn’t want to bombard her with too many emails.

She says her landlady tried to scam her and hopes her husband’s son moves out ASAP. She can’t wait to move but says it’s kind of scary moving back into the other house with her husband, though as I said, sometimes you just gotta go for it.

[calloustotender]

i’ve realized very quickly—maybe too quickly, all things considered—that arizona feels something like a second home to me. i feel as comfortable here as i feel in nashville and i don’t know exactly what’s the cause, but i’m grateful for it. there are so few places in the world where i feel like i can exist comfortably, with my guard down.

the boys and i all agreed to take a break before flying to paris for the start of eras. zac and kayla went to new york. taylor and claudia to the smokey mountains, brian and his husband to…los angeles, i’m pretty sure. i was going to stay in nashville. i was so close to just spending time with jasmine and making sure everything at fruits and gdy were taken care of before being gone for an entire summer. i was gonna stay here, i swear.

but brian said to me: “your heart’s not in nashville, hayles.”

and i couldn’t really argue with that, could i?

so…i followed it to arizona.

we had a date to get done anyway, right? if i needed the excuse, it was that. but it turns out i didn’t need one, because he missed me like i missed him. his mama picked me up from the airport because he’s not clear to drive yet and that was…nerve wracking all by itself. jenny is lovely, but she sees right through me and i don’t think i like being seen that way. we caught up, little things. i could tell she was fighting a smile the entire time, though. you know the kinda smile from someone when they had a suspicion and they’re finally face to face with the reality that their suspicion was right?

yeah, that. it was that.

she knows.

oh, she knows.

but still, our date wasn’t real. we agreed it would be a pretend date. he’s still healing—his stitches are bothering him, his pain comes and goes, he’s still tired easily. my brain is still catching up to our current reality. none of this feels real to me yet and we’ve briefly talked about it. so…we agreed: pretend date for now. real date…soon. he said he knows we’ve been on dates before, but he wants the next one to be different. so we went out for lunch and we took the dogs to the park and he made sure i saw some palm trees and it was nice. it was comfortable. we still make each other laugh. the chemistry is still, somehow, there. maybe a little stronger? i’m nervous around him. i can’t look at him for too long without feeling like my heart is going to fucking obliterate my sternum. he held my hand on the walk and his fingers shook.

it’s still there.

but i’m staying at a hotel because we’re trying to take it slow. we know each other like the back of our hands, but we want to do this right. there’s a lot we have to work through, there’s a lot that i’m uneasy about. so…we’re giving each other space, and i’m thankful for it. i miss him when i leave, but i think the excitement of having to wait to see each other helps.

i’m sitting in his yard now, while he naps. i have a plate of raspberries and alf and murphy are playing in the grass. it’s warm and it smells like it’s gonna rain. i’ll probably go inside in a little to see what he wants for dinner…and i know his mama will probably stop by with something before he and i even have the chance to decide. and then—we’ll sit outside again, maybe with a guitar.

and it’ll be nice.

it’ll be peaceful.

[n4rut0runn3r]

Graphghan

Start date: January 5, 2023 

Completion date: September 17, 2023 

Pattern Creation

This is the pattern I created for the blanket. The style of crochet used is called a graphghan. This means that every single-crochet yarn stitch is equivalent to a pixel of an image. This also means row by row, I changed colors frequently. Layering colors to create an image. This pattern was drawn in a pixel art app, so each pixel could be accurately counted and planned for. My goal was an Arizona landscape that in saw in person. See below.

This is a pre-existing pattern online for purchase. I saw the reviews and thought that this would be the perfect place to start. However, this was not the Arizona that I experienced and loved. I knew that there were some changes that I needed to make, which led me to creating my own pattern! I did like the neutral color shades used in this pattern and decided to keep that in my version. See below.

I knew that the shape of the mountains in the pattern had to change. And luckily, I had the perfect reference picture. I loved the ”stegosaurus mountain” that is in East Mesa, a foot hill of the Superstition. It is a beautiful area that I am so thankful I got to visit and spend time there.

Here is how I recreated the mountain shape in my pattern. I took a few artistic liberties with the supporting shapes, because I wanted to be able to accurately convey the shadows and mountain curvature with a limited color palette. The mountain background of the pattern is one of my biggest achievements so far in my time crocheting. I have had this specific hobby for a few years, but I have never ventured far from preexisting patterns or YouTube tutorials. My pattern, and the blanket, are not perfect by any means, but I did learn a lot and I did grow my skills tremendously. I wish I could do it over again to perfect it, but I can only move on to more projects with new skills.

Time For Numbers!

This blanket is 240 stitches wide, and 300 rows in length. The pattern I created originally called for 345 rows, but I ran out of blue yarn, and decided that it was long enough. 

20 single crochet yarn stitches uses 3.5 feet of yarn. Using this as an estimate, 4,200 yards of yarn was used in the creation of this blanket. That’s why it's so heavy! 

In terms of yarn, I used Red Heart Super Saver brand, which is a level 4 yarn thickness. I prefer to use this brand because it is machine washable, but it does have some downsides. Unfortunately, due to its cheap production, the thickness is not exact. Meaning, I could buy 3 skeins of yarn, all the same color, thickness, even dye lot number, but the thickness of the yarn will vary slightly. This is seen on the blanket where the blue yarn starts. 

In this picture, I had just tied off all the loose ends and washed the blanket. But the top was still wider than the bottom due to the thickness of the blue yarn. So, I tried to weigh it down and stretch it out. It did not really help, so the blanket just ended up being more of a trapezoid shape. Thankfully, the blanket is almost as wide as it is long, so when sitting on the couch, it is not noticeable. It's not very fun to try to nicely fold though! 

My crochet speed is fairly good. But due to the many times I had to change colors, It took an average of 25 minutes to complete a row of crochet. This adds up to 125 hours spent crocheting. Boy Howdy!

I did a rough calculation of how much time it would take me to complete the blanket before I started, which is why I thought I would have it done in time for my April trip to Arizona, but I forgot to calculate how crazy life is, and the fact that I can't sit and crochet for days at a time. It's an unfortunate truth to life. I was able to get one “in progress” picture. This was on June 14, I was celebrating being done with the many color changes per row.

I was unable to get a final picture of it washed and being used, as it was a gift, and I was able to get it done in time for another trip and gifted it while on that trip. I put a lot of amazing skills in my wheel house, and clocked in a lot of practice time.

[rainbowskittle]

14, 30, 49, 76

14: If you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? Maybe Ireland? I don’t know Irish but it’s such beautiful country with nature, architecture so pretty and the food looks good too. The people seem nice too at least from movies haha never met an Irish person. So maybe there? Or even where I’m at now I like where I just moved too. Mountains one way and beach the other way. (All though prefer mountains 99.9% of the time.) .. Or if have to choose a state hmm maybe Oregon since it look pretty there too with so much nature.

30: Whats your favorite candle scent? I get headaches a lot with candles so don’t smell a lot. Like the floral ones or the very strong ones so don’t really smell them. Yet I do love cinnamon ones. Since reminds me of fall and even baking I love to smell the cinnamon.

49: What was the last compliment you received? I haven’t gotten any recently and even the last one I got I don’t remember? Maybe nice glasses? Haha I totally can’t think of one.. here I’ll say ‘coming soon’ .. *SpongeBob time cards play* so much later nothing was found.

76: What color looks best on you? Not sure haha I mostly wear blue, green, or black leggings/black jeans. I have one flannel that’s super soft, funny enough it’s called boyfriend fit (from brand Arizona) and I can’t find anymore that soft anywhere. Yet it’s purple and black. So I like that one so maybe that one? Or yeah the blue and greens I have. Those are the most common colors I have in my closet.

Thanks again K! You awesome 🤩.

[ofbreakingbones]

Their history was one that was hard to deny. Callie knows she wasn't perfect. But at the time, she felt with all that history and the past from Arizona and herself, with their relationship, they needed time to heal. They needed time to really see themselves again, because Callie knew she had lost who she was. She had lost the person she loved and didn't like the person she had become. She knew she could have done it differently, knowing she had hurt Arizona sleeping with her that night and just walking out. That wasn't Callie. But then, that is who she was and she regrets how she did it.

They both have lost themselves. They both did things they wouldn't do. Callie didn't think she could forgive Arizona, because she has always been cheated on. But seeing Arizona really start working on herself, it helped in a way to see past that, and know she wasn't herself. They both weren't themselves. So she couldn't really hold it against her, it was more just growing and being apart. That is when Callie really jumped at the first shot to go to New York and work there. No one knew her, or her past, and that meant that she could just get to work and no gossip. That is something Callie realized Seattle was famous for. New York, it was nice. Something Callie needed as well.

Callie felt a shift in them. Even though Arizona just got there, the love Callie had for her didn't just fade, no matter how long they have been apart. A new city for the two of them and also, a new look into life, and Callie didn't have Arizona in her life for a while now and she didn't want that again. but she knows if they are going to try this again, down the road they have to keep in mind that Sofia is older and she understands a lot more. She understands that they can't afford to do what they did the first time around, which is why Callie didn't push it, she just wanted Arizona to feel things out being she had hurt her more then she will ever admit. But the park day with Sofia, the one who is their middle ground was nice so far, and the way they both kept stealing glances at one another, she knew Arizona was thinking the same thing.

The park was something that Sofia wanted to take Arizona to. It was refreshing and it was just nice. Busy but it wasn't bad. Callie just walked beside Arizona and Sofia, letting the two of them take all of that in together and allow one another to just be there with the other. Smiling at the way Sofia was super excited to have Arizona there. As Callie stood next to Arizona, she couldn't help but glance at her and then she moved her gaze and shook her head. "Don't thank me. This is something Sofia wanted us to have. All of us and one of us bring her when the other can't. I wanted her to show you this. It is relaxing and one of her favorite places I have discovered. Just having you here, it made it that much more better for her. I am glad you are here too."

Callie's signature smile was spread across her face. "For the record, it is great to have you here. I have missed you."

Continued storyline with @ofblondehealer

The move to New York was sudden for Callie, but she felt it would have been better for the two of them. Callie just felt at a loss lately back in Seattle which is why she left and which is why she was no longer in the mood for fighting with Arizona. She loved the blonde too much to not make a difference in where they were going with their life. Sofia deserved to be happy and see both of her mothers to be happy. But when Arizona said she was moving, Callie didn’t think it was going to happen so soon, but she was just glad they could make it work. Being with her yesterday, it felt like old times and maybe that was Callie getting ahead of herself.

Maybe Callie jumped too quick. She knows their relationship wasn’t perfect and that there could have been things done differently but she didn’t expect Arizona to have a reaction like she did last night. Maybe it was too soon and just feeling as if things were what they were supposed to be yesterday, but Arizona made it clear she didn’t want that yet and that meant Callie just had to respect that. They had a daughter who was getting older and understood a lot more and that meant she couldn’t rush things and make things worst then they were when they were in Seattle. 

Walking away and getting ready, she just needed distance from Arizona and to just make sure this is what she was feeling and not just being around the blonde again, Maybe hat is why she said what she did last night, but something inside of Callie was telling her no. It was Arizona that she wanted and nothing else. She was back and they were all walking together Callie standing back and watching the way Sofia and Arizona were so in sync with one another and Callie just missed seeing them together. Knowing Sofia was good at secrets and Callie wasn’t going to say anything Sofia was just happy both were there and she got to show Arizona everything she loved when she lived there the first time. 

“I guess you’ll just have to pretend you love surprises because I was sworn to secrecy on what she wants to do today. I just have to give her directions.” Callie forced a smile on her face and as the elevator doors opened, Callie went in first as Arizona said and Sofia pressing the button to go down and get down to the lobby, once the doors open, Sofia pulled Arizona out first and Callie followed before moving to the other side of Sofia and walking beside the both of them. Walking out into the cool weather of New York and she looks around before looking down at Sofia and motioning with her head just where she has to go. 

“If you’re ready, Sofia is ready to get the first stop underway. She will lead the way and I will help her navigate but she knows these streets since we walk everywhere.” Callie was putting the awkwardness behind her and just making another day that Sofia loves when it comes to being with the two of them. That is all Callie wanted as well.