#but i realize said observations arent always.. positive. some of my words can very often come off as if i hate myself which i dont

[ethernetmeep]

my english teacher discussed a poem today along with a plethora of things, one event in particular stood out as he remarked he used to be nicknamed [insert name of a very prevalent serial killer here] back at an old job. i stared at him for maybe five seconds, thought of something, then hid my face in my hands as i was then trying to keep my composure; my face ended up a slight shade of red. apparently i am very prone to blushing; notice this because of both a observation an acquaintance made awhile back and the distinct exclaim of “you’re blushing, we have to keep bidding!” in an adaptation auction we were doing as an activity in marine science. i was unaware of this both times, the blushing i mean, and its caused me to occasionally check the left side of my face to see if my face is in fact warm at all.

a friend had also stopped me in the halls to give me a gift.. its so cute!!!!! i almost did an ‘eek’ like noise. its a little shrimp!!!!!!! truly one of its kind.. his name is sheldon, which i find particularly funny as an acquaintance of mine (friend is also accurate, but sometimes he can irritate me.) has kept bombarding me with requests to watch young sheldon... I don’t wish to, but he keeps telling me to. sometimes insufferable, hence why i don’t always sit with him. ANYWAY, the gift is truly something i adore. he had also given me stamps of carnivorous plants.. CARNIVOROUS PLANTS!!!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!! i dont send people letters but i do have a fondness for stamps.. this makes me incredibly happy! i wish to put some of these in my sketchbook & savor others. truly excited & filled with glee.. i had been able to give him his bracelets! one was handmade, other two were somewhat of childhood memories. one was a bracelet in a yellow hue my mom had gotten for me when i was especially young & another was a kandi bracelet which was (arguably) one of the first times i had spent money on anything in the wake of being introduced to.. well, handling my own money. drew some alvin on the box as it was simply a old bootleg airpod case beforehand..

i had also put a rather tedious amount of time getting an outfit together this morning.. one of my favorite shirts with a pair of earrings i adore. hurt to wear, and once the end of lunch was upon me i had taken them off; i still had kept a silly appearance, though! lunch in itself was interesting because of the table i usually enjoyed sitting at being taken.. sat in another, close ish one. had chit chat around me & am forever grateful i took my sensory overload medication. drew some sketches & held my shrimp buddy with me.. i forgot what they served for lunch, as i didn’t check. i was going to sit in a different seat, but went against it as i needed some space to put my things. could’ve went to the library, but i wished to be closer to where my next class was. cleaned some eraser dust off the table & mind was somewhat blank.

i guess as a last statement, i still feel incredibly distraught about something.. many things, really, although one in particular because it always manages to gnaw at me; the fact i simply am… to do nothing, i suppose. even with people i only know in passing, i always find joy in waving to them even if they don’t wave back— same with saying hello. it makes me happy because it’s something very human i like doing, and although silly & unneeded is something i do anyway. i don’t care about if i look foolish for waving and having it unnoticed, i don’t care if waving in general is silly. i don’t care about any of these things because just the act of doing it makes me happy.. and having the inability to do this feels crushing in the way it makes me feel as if im less human, or even worse, remarking others as less human by not waving. as much as i try to put on a carefully sculpted sense of self to this & pretend i’m not effected, it so easily cracks & breaks; leaving me wide open for vulnerability. i know im overthinking it and a simple action is pointless & nobody would think that just from not waving, but having the inability to do it without simply being a pest whilst simultaneously breaking an established rule feels more awful than i would like to ever admit verbally aloud. obviously, this is also stupid in the fact my feelings aren’t one to care about on this matter— oh you can’t wave? oh big deal, get over yourself. you were a dick and really are this caught up on the inability for you to do something? what about all the things you caused to be tainted, not ruined as that would give you far too much credit, but tainted?— i know, i know, self-centered. foolish, too; its just something i think, so i wrote about it.

..ah, i had meant to start on homework an hour and a half ago.