#but i love nge so much weeps

[mechae]

What is your favorite Evangelion character? (P.s: Beautiful blog ♡)

ahhhh okay this is a difficult question, because I truly love every one of the characters for a set of different reasons. Buckle up, this will be long and spoilery because I can’t help myself. I’m putting it under a read more lmao

I guess my absolute favourite one might be Shinji? Before you shout at me, let me explain. I used to dislike Shinji - my first time watching, I was stuck on the popular consensus that he’s whiny and useless (and he kind of is) so I felt angry about his powerlessness, and his reactions to the things happening around him pissed me off. On the second watch, some year later (five months ago?), I had to change my mind. What I noticed is that he reacts genuinely to shitty ass things?? 

Like, he’s thrown into a gigantic robot and into a world-scale project that he knows nothing about, just because his terrible, absent father that left him to his ministrations since he was a little kid tells him to. He doesn’t fucking explain anything to him, just says “get in the goddamn fucken robot and risk your life to protect humanity.” He doesn’t even train him, for god’s sake. He just gets him into the prettiest eva and lets him fight an equally gigantic and scary mass of unidentified power called Angel, just like that. And this poor, scared off his pants little boy (he’s fourteen, what the fuck) literally does fight it. His father hates him and he still does something that doesn’t come naturally to him (his instinct tells him to crawl in a hole and sleep forever, might I say big mood) for his sake, because he wants to be loved and feel useful.

He doesn’t know shit about what’s happening. The world is in shambles all around him, no one tells him anything except that he has to do it, because he’s the only one who can, and maybe the thing he’s piloting is his long dead mother?? 

The supporting characters are a lonely, silent girl who is also kind of his mother??? and another girl who regularly calls him stupid and pathetic and kicks him in the nuts. I love them both to hell and back, don’t misunderstand me, but they’re not the greatest support system (and of course they wouldn’t be, everyone is so messed up). Then, in like the last two minutes a boy who is kind of nicer gets added to the equations, but it’s not like he says to Shinji anything more than flirty remarks and incomprehensible philosophical one liners that seem taken from a haiku book. Let’s not talk about the adult figures, because it would take a century, and let’s all agree that they’re not a good influence even when they try to be, because they have too many issues to deal with themselves and they’re not fit to deal with children at all.

So, my boy Ikari Shinji just- rolls with it. He stumbles through terrifying things, gets manipulated into killing shit and making bento lunches, gets silently traumatized to death repeatedly and still powers through it. Look, as a fourteen years old I would have died like seven times in his place, once only by fear for sure. I won’t make excuses for some of the mistakes he makes, and damn if they’re big ass mistakes, but he’s a true character. His depression level is off the charts and he cries and screams and 10/10 would prefer to be dead but he still gets up and does shit. He kills all the fucking angels and saves people, is kind and sympatethic even if he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing 24/7. 

Ikari Shinji gets beaten, thrown around, shouted at, kicked, and he’s generally the most mistreated character of the series (not that I’m saying the others aren’t, get me, everyone has their piece of misfortune and mind fuckery please save them). He runs away a lot, sure, but he always comes back, no matter what. 

He messes up big time, but would you blame him? He lives in a apocalyptic reality with no reliable source of coherence. His dad pretends to want to save the world but instead believes that by effectively destroying humanity he’ll be able to meet his dead wife again and that everyone (him) will be better off like that (except that’s bullshit, Gendo, why don’t you go to fuck a cactus). The Angels are trying to destroy everything daily, but maybe they aren’t? What is salvation? What is the truth? Is it all a lie? Is he on drugs or everyone else is and he’s the only one who isn’t? What the fuck is happening? So many religious references.Even in the Rebuild, okay, he’s a stubborn shit, Kaworu warned him not to do that, but he just wants peace??? And he doesn’t even know what peace is. Does he want to die or does he want to live? 

It’s so frustrating, why do people get off so much on miscommunication? Take two minutes of your life to talk things through instead of plowing on random stuff and make people shoot first, talk later???? Or don’t tell him, fine, and leave him the fuck alone to listen to the same song in loop for six hours straight while staring at the ceiling. Hell.

Okay, I’ll stop for real now. This is so long, frick. A conclusion: what I’m trying to say is, almost everyone deserved better. Shinji did. And I love him because he’s not your usual buff hero with no fear and emotions except for rage, destruction and badassery, he’s a wimpy little boy and he knows it and he deals with it anyway. He’s a character that you’re bound to dislike, and blame, maybe even hate, but only because he’s undeniably human. And humans are nonsensical, messy, scared pieces of shit. 

I won’t talk about the others because this became a loooong essay already, but I have a lot of strong feelings about evangelion and even more to say if you were ever interested. I wrote my thesis about it, of course I would. Sorry??? If you got to the end of this, I love you. Thank you for asking and I’m so glad you enjoy my blog!!!! ♡♡♡

[rarestnicole]

As usual, magulo. So what. 😂

"First love never dies."

Oh.

This is scary. Yep, for me, it is. Like wth? Paano pala kapag hindi naman ako gusto ng first love ko? I'll be damned forever. I'll probably be driving the Chariot of Damnation because it suits me best. Nge? This is why I'm so scared to be defeated by love.

Ah, yes. Feeling ko kalaban ko ang romantic na pag-ibig. Kapag nagpatalo ako, then I'm doomed. I know myself, kahit papaano. Gusto ko pa nga lang ang tao, sobra-sobra na ang feels ko for him eh. Paano pa kaya kapag na-in love talaga ako? Ng tuluyan? Mom won't be able to save me from that, I'm sure. No one, not even my books.

Ayaw kong ako lang mag-isa. I'm tired of being left alone. I'm already scarred. Ayaw ko lang dagdagan. If I like someone and he doesn't have any feelings for me, what do I do? How do I stop? How long? Until when am I going to think of just him every day? How long am I going to think of a way to make him like me when I view myself as someone who's only flawed and scarred and crazy.

He won't even like me. He has a lot of women around him who's not insane, they could attract him easily. Ako, I know that my face is attractive for boys, but for me, I don't find my physique special. Tss.

I don't get boys who like me because "maganda" daw. That's so shallow, I doubt that it'll last. Maybe that's reason why I don't like a person just because of his appearance. That's petty, for me ha. Ugali ang mas mahalaga sa akin. How one handles a person as complicated as me. How one will hug my world and not let go even when it's too spiky, even when I'm full of thorns though I'm not even a rose. Maganda lang naman matusok ng thorns ng rose kasi it's worth it, kasi maganda ang rose. I'm no rose, baka makahiya pa nga ako eh. Hahaha. Tumitiklop agad.

Noon, I get scared kapag gusto na ako ng taong gusto ko, because I feel responsible. But I want to own my time, hindi 'yong I have to tell one everything that I'm doing. Kaya siguro wala akong naging boyfriend noon. Kahit gusto ko pa ang tao, walang saysay kapag natakot na ako sa kanya just because he likes me. Minsan naman, parang bakla ang crush ko, may naaalala akong 2 or 3 na ganun. Minsan, nasa book sila, like duh! How are they going to be my boyfriend? And besides, asawa ko na sila agad. Hahahaha. Minsan, idols sila that doesn't even know me. Most of the time, it's music that makes my heart beat erratically. None of the persons I like made me feel the way a good melody can.

Ngayon, I'm scared kasi hindi naman ako gusto ng taong gusto ko. The tables have turned, ladies and gentlemen. I want to talk about every thing now. Mostly, nonsense things kasi wala naman akong masiyadong ginagawa sa buhay ko. Ang maikukwento ko lang ay kung paano ako natusok ng dulo ng earrings ko, kung gaano ko kabilis tinanggal mula sa pagkakatusok, at kung anu-ano ang nilagay ko sa pang-spray ko sa langaw at ipis sa bahay. I have a tendency to tell that kind of stories because that's what happened to my day. I can't tell them about the changes in the stock market ng Pinas at kung anong tingin ko sa bagyo, kung tatagal ba o hindi. Kasi naman, I don't want to complicate my life, minsan lang. Mas sasabihin ko pa sa tao na nilagyan ko ng Bactidol, Zonrox, toothpaste, dishwashing liquid at shampoo at conditioner ang pinagspi-spray ko sa insects sa bahay. That's how nuts I am. Dagdagan ko pa kaya ng suka at patis, para dead on the spot ang mga insects? I hate insects na iniistorbo ako or 'yong nagdadala ng mga kung anu-anong kadiri sa bahay o sa gamit LALO NA 'YONG NANGANGAGAT. 'Yan. Iyan ang mga ikukwento ko. Si Mommy, natitiis niya ang mga ganyang kwento ko, I salute her for understanding me. Haha. I love my Mom. But will someone accept me just like she does? She puts up with me. I rant a lot, but I'm told that I'm sweet. Edi work. 😂 I curse, yeah. I know it's bad pero kasi sometimes, I can't stop it lalo na kapag nasaktan ako or nasanay lang ako sa nabasa ko or I show my emotions din thru that? Damn that cooking oil na walanghiyang tinalsikan ang eyelid ko. That hurt! Tss. Pero I know naman when and where to cuss. Minsan, slip of the tongue lang talaga. Hehe. Siguro kaya na rin sinusulat o tina-type ko ang mga thoughts ko sa blog ko kasi alam ko na kahit wala akong kausap, okay lang. Walang magsasabi na ayaw nila ang mga sinasabi ko, na ayaw nila ang topic ko kasi wala naman na silang magagawa because it was already typed. I get to tell about my day without being ridiculed kasi wala naman silang magagawa, no one even sees it. That's why I'm confident.

So, first love never dies, huh?

I can't risk my heart kasi nakakatakot talagang masaktan. Ang sakit sakit kaya. Naalala ko, something happened, maybe my first heartbreak that was caused by someone I like. It was a Sunday but I can't stop weeping like a baby even when I have classes the next day. My best friends saw my puffy eyes and sabi ko, mamaya ko na ikukwento kasi nga iiyak lang ako ulit, I can't cry again right before my classes start. That's embarrassing, tatanungin pa ako ng teacher ko and everyone else would be curious. Hay nako. But my friends insisted. Hay, stubborn girls. So I said some details and as expected, I wept... while laughing. Yeah. Crazy, right? I wanted to stop my tears through my laughters but my tear sac is just as stubborn as my best friends, it insisted on producing more tears. Na-disappoint ko ang sarili ko, sa totoo lang. I was again slapped by reality; 'You lack, Anne Nicole. They won't stay for you like how your Dad didn't, your grandma also left you, your biological mother chose to be unfaithful after having you, your father and your siblings. You are not an enough reason to stay.'

Okay. Fine.

No, it isn't fine.

I wanted to die to avoid the searing pain that's consuming me. My hang ups in life are like dominoes. I'll try hard to make every piece stand and I fuck up once, then all of them will collapse right in my freaking eyes one by one and it's just as painful as the first time, lalo na ngayong nadagdagan. I liked my anemia, sa totoo lang. I have a high chance of dying because of a disease. That's far from suicide and I will never commit a suicide, magtatampo si Lord sa akin and that will insult Him. "How dare you take your life?" That's why I didn't. I am not just good at handling too much pain. Pain haywires my mind and makes me harsh... on myself. I'm to blame, wala ng iba. I can't blame, why should I freaking blame anyone when it's my fault?

I want to lose. That's it. I wanted to lose so bad but every time that I'm about to, one reminds me my reasons and fears of losing. Ayaw ko sa lahat ang pinaparamdam sa akin that they don't like me. It feels awful, alright. Fine. Ayaw ko ring pinaparamdam sa akin na parang ayaw akong kausapin. Edi huwag. I'm too sensitive yata. I'm not sure. But if someone matters to me so much, everything they say matters too. Pain transforms me too. Every. Single. Time. How? Hmm, I've been told that I'm "suplada".

Indeed, I am. Sabi nila, defense mechanism daw ng babae ang pagsusuplada. Hmm, totoo kaya? Hahaha. Siguro. But they haven't seen me so mad. Bilib nga ako sa classmate ko eh, crush niya pa rin ako kahit sinusupladahan ko siya. Aba! Kung sagut-sagutin niya kasi ako, parang ako pa ang nagsasabi ng mas nonsense sa aming dalawa. He always irritate us kasi kung anu-ano ang sinasabi. Eh I can't let it pass kapag sobra na. Hey, lumaki ako sa mga pinakasupladang taong nakilala ko. Saan pa ba ako matututo? And maybe, it's in my blood. I don't like my blood that much, mind you. Haha.

The Gomez that I grew up with are so, so, so "mala" kapag nag-tantrums na. My god, I almost can't handle them. Pero mababait naman sila, kapag nag-tantrums lang, my god of patience, be with me in the dramatic long run of this tantrum. Lalo na si Lola, naku, puputok ang ugat ko sa inis.

Ewan ko ba. Mahal ko naman sila.

By the way, when will I finally give in?

Hm, ako ba mismo ang makakaranas ng 'First love never dies,' na 'yan?

Am I going to live to tell the tale?

Am I gonna tell it happily or with a bittersweet smile plastered on my face?

I dunno.

I prayed to God. Ang sabi ko, "Lord, sana naman po kapag na-in love ako, sa itinadhana mo po talaga. Ayaw ko na pong masaktan. Gusto ko po isa lang ang maging boyfriend ko tapos siya lang din ang magiging asawa ko. I swear I'll be a good girl po."

I always pray to him about that. Kaya tiwala ako sa feelings ko eh. Kasi I know that the Lord is guiding me to the right person. Lord, sana naman po 'yong first love ko na po ang makatuluyan ko. Kasi po kapag hindi, hindi na ako magkakagusto sa iba. Baka mag-serve na lang po ako sa iyo, tutal nakalagay naman 'yon sa NCAE results ko. Hahaha.

Hala, Lord. Baka naman po sadyain niyong hindi meant to be sa akin ang first love ko para mag-serve ako sa'yo as a nun ha. Lord, I'm telling you po, kapag nagkaroon po ako ng relationship, I'll give it up to you. I'll make you the center of our love. Ganun. Wala ka pong lugi, I swear.

Ayan po, kapag iji-jinx mo po ang first love ko for my service, hindi mo na po itutuloy kasi expected ko na. Hindi na applicable ang 'Expect the unexpected,' kasi na-expect ko na nga.

And because lumalayo na naman ako sa dapat ay topic ko and tinatamad na akong mag-isip para mabalik sa topic, isa-stop ko na lang. Hahaha.

I love you, Lord. Please bless us po always.

[harostar]

can i ask about your opinion on grisha yeagar (if possible and you havent give it before?) i think that after the flashback arc we finally have enough information to judge his actions abd intentions, to me he kind of is in the grey area between hohemheim from FMA and gendo ikari from NGE bc hohemhein defentevily loved his family but had a huge responsability to his people but never wanted to involve his kid on it while gendo literally force shinji into his work and grisha did a bit of both

You know, I have seen jokes about Grisha belonging in that trinity of Anime Dads before. And I think……Grisha is a complex figure, for better and worse.

We see that he was once an absolute shit father, abusing Zeke through indoctrination and basically wanting him to become a spy for their revolution. Little wonder that Zeke ended up betraying him, and still has so much bitterness and hatred towards his father. He sees Grisha as a monster that used him, and seems to believe Eren is a victim of the same abuse.

With Eren, we have a more complicated picture. Grisha CLEARLY regretted how he treated Zeke, and attempted to avoid those mistakes the second time around. From the very beginning of the series, we saw that Grisha was someone that wanted to give Eren freedom. He made the decision to keep everything a secret from his second family, settling into a quiet life with them. And he allowed Eren to form his own opinions, encouraging him to think for himself and acting as a counter to Carla’s disapproval.

He wanted Eren to be his own person, to the degree of hiding everything from him. While he made promises of eventually showing him the secret in the basement, he never lived to be able to do that.

I think Grisha never wanted Eren involved in this whole business. What happened was essentially pure desperation. We have no idea what Grisha intended to do originally, but the decision to involve Eren and entrust everything to him makes sense now that we know about the Curse of Ymir. Eren was 10 years old at the time, so likely Grisha had simply run out of time. He couldn’t complete things himself, so literally had no other choice but to leave Eren with this terrible burden.

That was the reason he was weeping, and I think he regretted it in his final moments. He never wanted that for Eren, but other forces made it necessary. He knew that Eren had the desire and the drive to make a difference, and couldn’t leave the Attacker and the Founder to anyone else. Eren was his only possible choice, the only person he could trust with the important task ahead.

Eren doesn’t seem to resent his father, other than questioning his decision to remain neutral and passive.

In many ways, I find it interesting how Grisha was very much like Eren. Both of them were obsessed with revenge and driven by their hatred, with unrealistic beliefs and ideals. Both eventually had a very rude wake-up call in terms of their own foolishness, and hopefully Eren will learn from his father’s mistakes.

I think I’m really excited for the possibility of a reunion/confrontation between Eren and Zeke. Both of them are trapped by the complicated relationship they had with their father, and their opposing views of the man.