#but i liked the hank and i thought it turned out funnier by just keeping it

[fluffydeoxys]

love wins! hank is fine don't worry about it

[thru-the-grapevine]

We Might Be Stupid

Pairing: Yeo Hwanwoong x reader

Summary: Your best friend apparently thinks it’s the nineties. You call him to straighten things out.

Word Count: 1.8k

Tags: idiot besties to lovers, resolved mutual pining, implied college au, fluff, humor

Author Notes: this is my first work for the Oneus Trope Bingo hosted by @oneusficevents! I’m using it for my “mutual pining” square. A little nervous about it but it was loads of fun to write, so I hope Oneusblr can enjoy it <3

It isn’t quite acceptable barging hours when you barge into your roommate’s bedroom that morning.

“I—huh?” Your roommate mumbles, startling awake at the sound of the door.

“I need to borrow your phone,” you say, pulse racing. “Please. Since mine isn’t being fixed until this afternoon.”

Your roommate frowns, eyes still closed. “What?”

“Please. It’s important. Please. I need to make a call.”

Your roommate’s eyes blink halfway open and gaze at you, only half-conscious. Your desperation must really show on your face, because they say, “Sure. Uh, you okay?”

“I don’t know,” you breathe, unplugging the phone from the charger and tapping in their passcode. “Probably. I don’t know. Thank you. Be right back.”

You find the phone app and dial the memorized number, putting it to your ear. You glance back at your roommate’s alarm clock as you take your leave and try idly to do a calculation of what time it is abroad, deducing that he won’t be asleep and he also won’t still be working. Pick up, pick up, pick up pick up pick up pickuppickuppick-

The ring tone cuts off early and the line clicks on. “Uh…hello?”

Something about hearing Hwanwoong’s voice soothes the sting of the panic in your heartbeat, even as your pulse continues racing. “You. You sent—you and your—an email?”

“Oh,” you hear him say brightly, recognition in his voice, and then, flustered, “uh—hi. I, uh, I can expl—”

“An email?!”

“I panicked!” Hwanwoong blurts. “You—your phone, it’s broken, I can’t text—can’t call either, how are you even calling me by the way, whose phone is—I didn’t know how else to—”

“Is this 1999?” You ask him, incredulous, pacing, and you can’t help a flutter of laughter. “You tell me you have feelings for me in an email?! I’m checking my email to make sure my stupid philosophy paper was turned in on time and I see you sent me something with the subject ‘Help’ and then a confession?! That could have sat there for who knows how long—”

“I only sent it, like, eight hours ago,” he protests, then splutters, “n-no, really, your phone is broken. How did you get my number?”

“Yeo Hwanwoong,” you sigh in exasperation, “I have had your phone number memorized since we were fifteen.”

“…Oh,” he says, then laughs. “God, I love you.”

“Yeah!” You exclaim, stomach fluttering with something giddy at the words. “And you said it in an email, like this is a Tom Hanks movie or something!”

“I’m—listen!” He defends, “it hit me out of literally nowhere, hard, like, think hit-on-the-head-with-a-cinder-block hard, and it was overwhelming, like what the hell? What am I supposed to do with this? And I panicked and usually I just call you when I’m panicked and I would have but your phone—”

“My phone is broken, yeah,” you say, pulse finally winding down to adagio. Your deep breath is still shaky. “Well, I’m here now. Talk me through it.”

“Out of nowhere,” he says darkly. “Truly. I was just wondering what the hell you saw in that guy you’re talking to right now, anyway, the one you keep asking for advice on, and why he keeps bothering you all the time, and then I tried to be all, ‘well, what would I see in them if I was trying to date them’, and was like, ‘I mean, sure, they’re cute, anyone with eyes can see that, and sure they’re funny, but in the smart way which is even funnier, and also they’re thoughtful and also they’re a good listener, and and and’ and then it just hit me and, I mean! What the hell, dude? I don’t even know how long I’ve felt like this? Is this normal??”

“You get used to it after a little bit,” you tell him, head spinning. Hwanwoong just called you cute. “But yeah, it’s kinda overwhelming at first, right? And scary?”

“Terrifying, oh my god,” he groans. “Like, you’re my best friend, what the hell am I supposed to do now? What if you’ve noticed the whole time and have just been staying my friend to be nice, or something?”

“I didn’t notice,” you tell him, dragging your toe along one of the cracks in the floorboards, “or I didn’t want to get my hopes up, anyway. But you’re right, that’s the vibe, for sure.”

“And like, what if telling you is a bad idea? What if you’ll feel weird now about it, and we can’t hang out and make jokes and get bubble tea on weekends and—hey, wait. Got used to—get hopes up? I—WAIT.”

Your pulse jump-starts into high gear again. “Uhhh. Suddenly I have, um, things to do—”

“Don’t you dare hang up!” Hwanwoong exclaims. “Yah! I’ll call you again! Or whoever’s phone this is—it’s your roommate’s, right? Your roommate will get sick of me! Don’t you dare! You—I—what do y—how do you know how this feels?”

“Um.” Your heart is going to ricochet out of your ribcage. “I…maybe this is, uh, not new? For me to feel?”

Hwanwoong is quiet for a second, then, “About who?”

“Dude, don’t make me say it,” you groan. “It’s already embarrassing enough to talk with you about—”

“Is it that guy? The one you’ve been talking to? Because if it is, he’s kind of an idiot and he doesn’t appreciate your sense of humor nearly enough but like, I can take it, I’ll support you and the mediocre boy, it’s okay if—”

“You! It’s you! You dumbass!” You cut him off, shrill. “You’re the idiot! God! You are absolutely unbelievable! I am hanging up the phone!”

“No, please! Pleasepleasepleasepl—”

“Unbelievable,” you mutter, slumping down onto your bed. “I’m not hanging up, you can calm down.”

Hwanwoong sighs, sounding winded. “What are…why are we like this.”

“Beats me,” you mumble.

“You…have feelings for me?”

His voice is gilded with hope. You want to melt into the bed and die. “I…yeah.”

Hwanwoong sighs again, shakily, but you can hear him smiling. “How…when did you figure your side out?”

You close your eyes and pinch the bridge of your nose, embarrassment prickling under your skin. “….like, two years ago.”

There’s a long, excruciating silence on his end.

Panic bubbles up in your throat. “But like, in my defense, that was the year you suddenly were, like….a man? I-I mean, something…happened, because suddenly you weren’t just a kid my age, you were, like, attractive. Which, like, how dare you, by the way? You were supposed to be my cute little bestie forever, but nooo, you had me helping you post thirst traps, and shopping for clothes you looked hot in, and like, what was I supposed to do? So yeah, I thought I was being painfully obvious and that you were just being kind. But no, you’re just an idiot, but like, I guess I was too—”

“I love you so bad,” Hwanwoong interrupts. “You were in….dude, since two years ago?”

“If you think you get to make fun of how long I’ve loved you when you sent me an email—”

“I’m not making fun of you, I’m, like, pissed,” Hwanwoong says, but he’s laughing. “Like, doing the math, connecting the dots, it’s…yeah, I think I’ve felt like this about you since then, too, which is dumb as hell. All that time, and we could’ve…”

“Ugh,” you say, emphatic, dropping your head back against the bed and glaring at the ceiling. All that pining for nothing.

“We…might be stupid,” Hwanwoong says, still snickering.

Hwanwoong is in love with you. Holy shit. You can’t stop grinning. “You, uh. Wow.” You turn over on your side and grab your laptop, which you’d left open to his email on your bed when you rushed to call him. You begin reading aloud. “‘So in the weirdest turn of events I didn’t see coming, I think I may be, like, really in love with you somehow’. You don’t say. You simp for me that bad, huh.”

“I—you—I don’t—” Hwanwoong starts, then sighs.

You laugh.

“Wait, wait, oh my god, is this why I caught you checking me out all the time?” Hwanwoong asks.

Now it’s your turn to splutter. “I—I didn’t—I wasn’t checking y…uh. Well. Maybe.”

Hwanwoong snickers. “Busted.”

You sigh. “How much longer are you away again? Semester’s almost over. It’s been, like, eighty-four years.”

“Um, lemme check,” he says, pausing for a few moments, and you can picture him lifting his phone from his ear and tapping over to his calendar. “….ugh. Another week and a half.”

“Ugh,” you agree. “Too long. You need to come home so I can go full Spanish Inquisition on you about this.”

“Same,” he says. “When are you getting your phone fixed? It’s been killing me this week not to talk to you like normal.”

“The appointment’s today,” you reassure him. “Should hopefully be back to normal by the time you wake up tomorrow.”

“Thank god,” he groans. “Never drop your phone in the washing machine again, dumbass. I have too many important things to say.”

“You’re always welcome to say them over email now, if you want,” you say, smirking, and Hwanwoong grumbles playfully while you laugh.

“Hey.”

Your roommate is in the doorway, looking freshly showered. “I’m leaving soon, I’m gonna need that back.”

You pout but nod. “I gotta go, ‘Woong, roomie needs the phone back.”

“Yeah, I should probably go to bed soon, anyway,” he says, then pauses. “I, um….”

You don’t prompt him, glad that he sounds as shy as you feel.

“…thanks. For not, you know, freaking out. Well, actually, you did freak out, but, like, not in the bad and annoying way.”

“Thanks a lot,” you groan, and he laughs again, the sound soft in a way that sits comfortably in your heart.

“I….I really do. Love you, that is. God, this is awkward.”

You’re grinning ear to ear. “Yeah, it is. It’ll get better with practice, I bet.”

You pause, then add, “I love you, too. Dumbass.”

“Gross,” your roommate says from the doorway, and apparently Hwanwoong can hear them, because he laughs at that, too, and the sound is so joyous. You miss him a lot, miss seeing how his eyes crinkle when he’s happy. You can’t wait for him to get home from abroad.

“I’ll text you when my phone gets fixed, okay?”

“I’ll be waiting. Tick tock.”

You smile.

“Love you,” he says again, and the way he says it makes warmth zip through you.

“Love you,” you breathe, meaning it, then hang up before you get too embarrassed.

Your roommate is smirking when you hand the phone back. “I’m glad my phone could help you two idiots finally figure it out.”

“Shut up,” you mumble, shoving their arm playfully before going to make coffee. A week and a half. How are you going to survive that long?

[ygreczed-3]

The Red Guard and the Snow Angel

Summer Falls desert concept art

Hank and Connor

Gavin and Nines meditating + thunder, snow, fire and wind seal

Gavin and the thunder spirit

More concept arts - traditional art & inking

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

When they go through the Summer Falls desert, Connor and Nines pass out fairly soon due to their intolerance to fire magic. They only get better at night, when the temperature drops, so they stay awake to watch out while the humans sleep. During the day Hank and Gavin have to take them on their horse/Sumo and walk beside them, even though the intense heat isn't making things easy for them either. They reach a village in an oasis where Connor and Nines get better, and when they realize there's a spring in it, they decide to go and rest a bit as the night arrives.

Nines and Gavin are gone meditating on a less crowded part of the spring.

Gavin : That's stupid… How can this make me stronger than my training ? Nines : Stop talking and focus on your breathing.  Gavin : Grmphh.. Nines : Can you feel the source of magic inside your body ? Gavin : … Yeah. Nines : You have to… establish a connection with it. Show him you don't fear it Gavin : But I fear it. Nines : The war spirit you host is an incredible source of power, and you can believe me, it is as bellicose as you are. It only needs a goal to aim for and you'll be able to channel its energy.  Gavin : … You know I'm your enemy… Why do you help me ? Nines, closed eyes : I know I can compete with you. I'm ready to be challenged. And it's funnier to fight a skilled warrior than a scared little boy. Gavin : … Fucker.

X

Connor and Hank in the hot spring

Connor : I think that's what your hug feels like. Hank : hm ? Connor : The hot water. I think it's what hugs feel like. Hank : You said my hugs... Connor : Did I ? I was just thinking… about how you hug Sumo sometimes. He loves it. Hank : Yeah, this big boy loves cuddles  I admit that. Connor : It must feel good. Hank : What… You've never been hugged before ? Connor : Golems do have… intimate behaviors, of course but it's not… I mean we're… not physically warm, so... (NB : I was thinking golems in this universe would be like vampires, not as freezing as actual snow but still colder than humans) Hank : ...Thought you didn't like heat that much. Connor : Warmth from human's touch is different from fire magic : it feels more… safe, less aggressive. I think I'd like that. Hank : … How do you know that ? Connor : I touched your back to heal it, remember ? Your warmth feels nice. Hank : Yeah okay, you touched me, but you don't know what my hugs feel like ? Maybe you'd hate that. Connor : I wish I could know.

They look at each other, but then Hank looks away and stands up.

Hank : It's late, I'm tired. I'm going back to the inn. Connor seems disappointed, but then Hank keeps going. Hank : You coming ?

When they enter the room they share all together, Nines is already in stasis and Gavin is snoring loudly.

Hank takes Connor's wrist silently, looking at him in the eyes as if tacitly asking for permission. Connor just lets himself be enveloped by wide arms, and rests his cheek on his collar bone.

Connor sighs, closing his eyes as he enjoys that nice bear hug. He feels that warm something in his chest growing in his body, invading his stomach with pleasing flutters. 

Connor : Hank… Hank : Shhh… it would be embarrassing to wake those two idiots up now.

Connor bites his lower lip as he silently reaches for Hank's hand, his skin turning white as he presses gently each of his fingers against Hank's. It's known to be a quite intimate gesture among golems, and the closest human equivalence to it would be a kiss. Connor is aware that it could even be interpreted as indecent given how close their bodies are, and that if Nines was to wake up at that moment he would probably choke on thin air. Of course Hank has no clue about that and just thinks it's funny.

Hank : What, you wanna dance ?

Connor realizes they're holding each other on the left side and touching hands on the right side, and it seems like they're going to waltz. He chuckles from the absurdity of the situation from a human's perspective. 

Connor : I wouldn't know how to. Hank : Good thing, I'm a terrible dancer. Connor : Ahah...hmm, Hank, I like it. Can we stay like this for a moment ? Hank : Sure.

X

One night in the middle of the desert, Gavin is on the watch as Hank sleeps in the tent. Connor is with him, but Nines inexplicably stays around the fire, silent. Gavin is bored out so he just starts the conversation. 

Gavin : I feel like the old man and your stupid brother are getting along. Nines : I have this feeling too. Gavin : Doesn't bother you? Nines : What can I do ? I asked Connor to be careful, but I'm not blind… He's shining with glee whenever Hank is around him. I can't… force him not to feel. Also, I think Hank isn't that bad of a person… for a human. Gavin : Still certain we're the bad guys ? Think about it : you were made to serve us.  You betrayed your creators and let us starve like dogs. Nines : Humans didn't create us. Kamski did, and if he had wanted to, he could have made unthinking, obedient golems. Maybe we were meant to break free. Gavin : Oh yeah, so why can't you even procreate ? Simple answer: you were not designed to be an individual species from the start. You were built with no other purpose in life than to help us survive.  Nines : Didn't that even occur to you that humans did bad things too ? Gavin : We're just trying to survive ! Nines : So we are. Gavin : … So what ? You're saying we're two evils ? Of course we are. But I have to protect my people, you understand that ?

Nines stays silent, exploring the surprisingly genuine glare Gavin throws at him. Of course he understands that. His own despise for humanity is only driven by his deep desire to protect Connor, Marcus, and his people. He looks back at the fire heating them, unconsciously processing how ridiculously similar they are.

And yet, something starts growing in his mind, the irritating sensation his relationship with Gavin has changed from the moment they met, and that he unexpectedly wanted to protect him as well.

Nines : Would you kill me ?

He can't even explain how this sentence even made it out of his throat. He already knows the answer. Gavin stares at him longingly, noticeably surprised by the question. He stays silent as he puts more wood in the fire.

Gavin : If I had to, I probably would. But I… hum… don't want to. Nines : … hm. Gavin : What about you ? Would you kill me ? Nines : I don't know. If lives were at stake, certainly, even if I'd find this decision… regrettable. Gavin : ... Oh wow, is that your way to tell me you like me ? Nines : … Don't set your hopes too high.

Gavin breathes in a laugh and goes back to silence, smiling smugly. 

X

They arrive in Nestlepeek and split in two teams, Hank and Connor go to the center of the town, where Connor hopes to find more precise information about Kamski and where he hides.

Gavin and Nines were supposed to go buy supplies, but as they head to the covered market, they are challenged by a man in the street to defeat his champion in a fight. As Nines realizes it's all for illegal gambling, Gavin accepts and finds himself in a cage, combating a birdman.

He thinks he's got the hang of it but as soon as the birdman starts flying Gavin can't touch him with his sword anymore and becomes vulnerable to his aerial attacks.

Nines : Gavin ! Summon the spirit ! Gavin : No way ! Nines : You'll lose if you don't ! Gavin : I know what I'm doing, alright !? Nines : You obviously don't ! Thunder magic gives you advantageous long throw attacks, you can't win against a flying foe with close combat techniques ! Gavin : I think I killed enough Golems to know how to fight flying foes ! Nines : You bastard…

Nines uses his snow magic to catch the champion in ice and immobilize him.

Owner : What the hell !!! Who did that ?! Nines : I did. I'll replace your champion, open the cage.

The owner is confused first but then he sees the opportunity and accepts. Nines enters the cage and gets ready to fight.

Gavin : … You wanna die ? Told you I could do it. Nines : We've been talking about this fight for ages. It's time to see what you're capable of.

They start fighting and they're pretty even for the first ten minutes. Their fight gathered a lot of gamblers and spectators.

When Nines starts to take advantage, Gavin's eyes suddenly turn bright yellow, and he charges at him : Nines can see the thunder magic halo surrounding him. He parries many strikes but Gavin has gained in speed and ferocity. Soon enough, Gavin throws him to one extremity of the cage, and as the crowd around them is screaming in excitement, Gavin holds up his dagger. He's trembling, electricity forming around his hand. 

Nines can make eye contact but somehow, Gavin isn't answering his glare.

Nines : Gavin- You hear me ?

Gavin doesn't say anything, and Nines is sure he's gonna die when the human warrior shoots down his dagger… only to hit one of the cage's bars just behind him. Gavin closes his eyes, and opens them, showing blue-green orbs again, and he straightens up, breathless.

The crowd boos them as Gavin takes a step back and drops the other dagger. He asks the owner to open the cage and leaves the place, Nines following him, still out of breath as well.

Nines : Gavin !

Gavin stops, letting Nines get closer, until they face each other again.

Nines : You did it. You mastered the spirit… Do you realize that ? Gavin : I could have killed you, then everyone around me. That's what the spirit wanted to do… Do you realize that ? Nines : But you didn't. With a bit more training-... Gavin : I almost killed you, Nines, for fuck's  sake ! Nines : … So what ? Thought you were ready to. Gavin : Listen, this beast wanted you dead, everyone dead so bad… How can I… How can I use this power when I know how dangerous and unstable it is? Nines : … But you stopped it, right ? You can control it. Gavin : You fucker, if it wasn't for you, I know I couldn't have stopped it. I would have killed all those strangers, I know that, and I'm not… I'm not a murderer. Nines : … What do you mean, for me ? Gavin : Drop it. I need some air, don't follow me.

X

Hank and Connor enter the library, Connor is looking for the archived events-records to see if Kamski came into this village (which is most likely given it's the first one you can find after the desert)

It appears that the local people can fly so the library is very high, and most scales don't even reach the top of the bookshelves.

Hank : How the hell can we reach the archives ? Connor : Wait a minute, I'll go there and take some volumes with me.

Connor spreads his wings, that widen to support his weight as he takes off to the highest point of the library. Hank is impressed by how graceful Connor looks in the air. When the golem comes back with a consequential pile of old, handwritten books, he's just there, mouth open in amazement.

Connor : Here we go… the last 10 years of history in this village… Ready to pull an all-nighter ?

Hank doesn't reply.

Connor : Hank ? Hank : You're beautiful.

Connor blinks once, his lips slightly parted from the surprise, his eyes conveying nothing else than confusion and yet, low-key content.

Connor: ..I'm sorry ? Hank : When you fly I mean… that's impressive… and beautiful. Connor : Huh… Thank you, I guess ? Anyway hum… let's… let's find a table… Hank : “Thank you” ? But do you even realize how beautiful you are ? Connor : I was created to meet some human ideal. Why would I be proud of something that isn't my doing ? Hank : Ah, don't be so modest.  Connor : … you know, I think I find humans more attractive than Golems. Each one of you is unique, and I love everything you call “flaws”.

Hank laughs halfheartedly at his last line.

Hank : You don't make sense, kid.

X

They read the archives until it's dark outside. Hank can't help but yawn as Connor lights the candles to keep reading.

Connor : You can go back to the inn, Gavin must be there already, and Nines can take over. Hank : Nah, I'm good. Connor : Hm… Hank : You okay ? You look… worried. Connor sighs : … What if we can't find Kamski ? What if… I was wrong, what if we had to go back to Detroit and Jericho with just nothing ? I don't want to return to a situation where I'll have to fight you… I just can't.  Hank : … Yeah, I understand that. I don't think I can remain a Red Guard after what we've been through… After I got to know you. Connor : If we were to fail… nothing will never be the same again. Without you.

Hank just looks at Connor with sharp eyes, as if he's got the urge to say something. At this point Hank knows he's falling for the Golem, but of course, he won't say anything, because he's sure it's only one sided, Connor is so young and handsome he can't possibly feel the same.

Actually the dark haired golem is totally in love with the man, but again, he thinks Hank can't reciprocate his feelings since he's probably into women (after all he used to have a wife), and definitely not into Golems anyways. It just feels so unfair to both of them to consider going back to their normal life when they just want to stay with the other so bad. They just wish they could stay together and run away in some romantic and lovesick lunacy. Again, they won't tell each other about it.

[knockknockchicagopd]

❛ BLACK JACKET WITH WHITE LETTERS ❜

❚❙ REQUEST BY ANON: Would I be able to request prompt 16 “You're mine. I don't share”. With Hank voight where they go to one of those police events and she works in his unit and they are a couple with her being younger and they dont have to be in police uniform so she wears a really nice dress and as he introduces her and talks to other people he knows, some of the men check her out and try flirt with her and he notices. Could there be a bit of smut if not that's cool to ❤❤

❚❙ HANK VOIGHT MASTERLIST.

❚❙ WORDS: about 3k.

❚❙ Warnings: swearing, unprotected sex.

❚❙ A/N: this writing hasn’t been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I’m sorry about that. If you find a description about body or a word out of place, or something that makes you feel uncomfortable / unrepresented, let me know by a private message and I will change it delighted.

❚❙ GIF credits: to my amazing @sonsofeorl.

❚❙ General tag list: @melblacc @rebelwrites @skyofficialxx @sesamepancakes @scarletsoldierrr @mondefantastique @that-chick212 @enbyamaro @inlovewith3 @ocetevasgirl @destynelseclipsa @miahelen @jadakiss13 @mcgreads @graniairish @teller258316 @i-love-scott-mccall @tclaerh. Hank Voight tag list: @sophie-writes. If you wanna be added to my tag list, send my a message! ⚡

Fortunately, it's been a quiet day, otherwise, you couldn't deal with a Districts event like the Commanders call them. A meeting that reunites every officer, inspector, detective, and whoever who wears ‘the blue uniform’; including special agents from the FBI. These last ones are the kind of man who pushes you out of your good mood with all that quackery about serving the whole country, the unlimited resources, the missions. Every time you hear a fed talking about how passionate and exciting their jobs are, you just want to punch their faces. Mostly, they're behind a desk while cops like you are protecting the streets of Chicago in the firing line. But, as Burgess and Upton said, it's time to have some fun. And anything else.

Since you don't have to wear that horrible uniform you use at official events, you have chosen a breathtaking black silk dress that fits your anatomy to perfection, falling from your chest, with a spaghetti strap neckline, to your ankles. And a pair of skyscraper highlights on the same color, with the small difference that the heels are tremendously golden. Your back is almost bare, being crossed by four fine strips, knowing it's going to give Hank some trouble. Oh, you're going to have so much fun tonight. You are very sure.

The soft make-up delights your cute, but lethal, outfit on point ready to leave Kim's house accompanied by your friends. You've arranged to meet at the party with the rest of the Unit since your future husband and Antonio needed to be from the start of the event, which means the three of you are going to earn more than some gazes by assisting alone, with no male figures by your sides. As if you need some kind of protection. Men (...).

Stepping out from your car and giving the keys to the parking attendant, who seems he's having a heart attack after watching you walk with so much cockiness and sensuality, you come into the party. The look you exchange with Kim and Hailey as soon as you check the reaction of the assistants, makes you draw a triumphant smile while raising your chin in some kind of greeting. You aren't going to stop now, leading your steps straight to your partners. Ruzek chokes on champagne with his eyes over Burgess, while Hank looks at you over the edge of his glass of bourbon taking a sip.

“You should work like that every day”. Antonio opines welcoming the three of you in his arms.

“I second that, brother”. Jay quickly adds making a toast with his cup of red wine.

“Bet you'd be the one who wouldn't work”. Hailey replies palming his chest, making you giggle.

In the meantime they continue arguing about the dress code, a strong arm gets placed around your lower back to push you somewhat closer, letting his hand fall over your hipbone. You know exactly what it means. Hank isn't the kind of jealous man, who needs to mark his territory like a dog. But you know that sometimes he feels insecure because of the age gap. He trusts you blindly, that's a fact, but he's human; he has fears and you understand it. Putting your left hand on the back of his neck, you caress his scalp almost unnoticeably, tilting your head to leave a gentle kiss on his cheek earning a satisfied grin from him.

“You look really beautiful tonight”. He whispers, watching you sideways as if it's a secret between you two.

“Thank you, Sergeant. I always try to do my best”.

Hank chuckles against his glass about to have a last sip till emptying it. Taking it from his hand, you pull yourself away to go to the bar and ask for two more drinks. You're thirsty and too sober to be a Friday night. Checking some emails on your phone while the bartender serves your order, you can't help but listen to some backtalk about your career. A couple of suited men combed as politicians and wrapped on a strong scent that throws your stomach. You try to ignore them until they're close enough from your position to offer you a hand in a formal greeting.

“Johnson and Derrick. FBI”.

The blonde one looks like a senior official, while the other looks like a newbie. Turning towards both, you come into the forced polite mood to stretch his hand firmly.

“(Y/L/N), Intelligence Unit, gentlemen. A pleasure”.

“The pleasure is ours, detective”.

“Special agent”. You correct him inevitably, even if it sounds arrogant.

“Special agent, of course”. Johnson replies with a nod of his chin. “I've read your file lately. I have no words to describe it. Graduated with excellent grades in Yale, two years in the Army, another undercover in a Cartel… And you also know how to fly a helicopter”.

“If you weren't from the FBI, I could think you've been stalking me like one of your serial killers, sir”. The sarcasm in your tone of voice earns your Unit's attention, very focused on the conversation between the feds and you.

“Who catches a monster without becoming one, right?”

The man introduces a hand under his jacket to offer you his business card. But you don't take it, just looking at it for a second before raising your eyes towards his.

“In your academy shows you to have the big balls to disrespect a Sergeant or a Chief, by trying to steal their officers in front of their faces? Because mine shows us to serve and protect the citizens”.

His gesture changes suddenly in a sight, hearing some chuckles behind you coming from Hailey and Kim. Raising both eyebrows as you don't get any reply back, you just nod before grabbing the two drinks you have asked for when they interrupted you. Coming back to your friends, you can't help but wrinkle your nose in a gesture of disgust earning more giggles from your partners. But it doesn't seem funny for Hank, who you know he's killing them in thousands of ways inside his head.

As the night passes, you notice Agent Johnson's eyes on you with no shame, starting to make you feel uncomfortable. Although you would be delighted to embarrass him in front of everyone, he has had enough from you. But this doesn't end there. Excusing yourself, you step to the terrace almost emptied to have some fresh air, knowing he's going to follow you. Maybe, to insist a little more. He was so interested in recruiting you to miss the chance.

And as you thought, he's that predictable. You don't turn because of his steps coming closer, but because he pretends to clear his throat to claim your attention. Crossing your arms over your chest, you tilt your head to a side feigning curiosity with a forced smile showing up on your lips.

“I would like to apologize for my behavior. In my profession isn't habitual to find agents of your characteristics”.

“For sure, sir. It doesn't matter”.

“You could have an extraordinary career in the FBI”.

“I already have it where I am. I don't need schedules, cheap suits, and an earpiece to succeed”.

“I understand your relationship interferes in your decision, but you do—”.

“I'm sorry, you said what? Did you…? Oh, god, I can't fucking believe it”. You can't help but laugh shaking your head. “I don't have any relationship as soon as I wear my badge, sir. And you are starting to cross a line you don't want to cross. Believe me”.

“Ma'am, don't misunderstand my words, nor my intentions. I just think ma—”.

“Nobody asked you to think, Johnson”.

Raising your eyes over his shoulders, you can see your boyfriend sipping his glass of whisky, joining the talk as he tries to keep calm. You know Hank to perfection. If he wasn't your boss, he would have punched him already.

“If you continue pissing off my agent, we're gonna have a problem”.

The man just nods, alternating his gaze between the two of you. Seems that he has admitted his defeat.

“Beautiful and lethal. You're a son of a bitch with so much luck, Voight. Take care of this diamond. Or she will end up wearing a blue jacket with yellow letters”.

“Uh-huh”. He replies as you continue remaining silent.

Passing your boss away back to the party, leaving you alone, you can't hide the proud smile that turns your gesture into a funnier one. Taking short steps towards him, you steal the glass from his hand to drink from it under his attentive brown eyes.

“Blue isn't my color. Not at all. I'm more into black”. You whisper referring to the jackets you are used to wearing in the Chicago department.

“Hm…”

“Imagine having your badge hanging from your neck all day like a collar. Do I look like a dog? I prefer to have it on my belt. And I'm already used to the disgusting watered coffee we make in the twenty-one”. As you continue giving him more reasons, your forefinger traces a path up from his chest to his nape. “And I have so much fun driving my Dodge all around Chicago”.

“Anything else you wanna add?”

“Hm… no. Actually, not. That's all, sir”. You reply puckering your lips, pulling yourself away some inches with a playful aura wrapping you both.

“Now lemme tell you something here”. Hank says then, leaning over your ear. “You're mine, I don't share”.

His voice and his characteristic raspy voice gives you some chills down your spine bone. Biting your bottom lip unconsciously while he stands up, you know the party is over for you and it's time to go home. Holding your hand and taking back his glass of whisky, you walk inside to say your goodbyes before leaving the fancy place straight to the underground parking. You are not going to lie saying you don't love his dominant mood when the occasion demands it.

As soon as you reach your car, you can notice sideways Hank making sure you're totally alone. He doesn't usually take risks of being seen in public too lovey-dovey, but it's not about it this time and you can't wait for him to go ahead with his intentions. Of course, he doesn't make you wait for too long to push your back to the copilot door, attacking your neck in the meantime his hands grab your hips stealing you a low gasp. Hank makes himself between your legs, urging you to surround his waist with one of them to close the distance that separates you, feeling the need he has to mark his territory, as rarely he shows.

“Take me home”. You almost beg closing your eyes as his teeth are nailed on your most sensitive spot, earning a soft grunt that vibrates your body.

“I'm gonna take you here, sweetheart. Any problem?”

“Hell, no, sergeant”.

“Get in the car. Now”.

You don't complain, taking it as an order when he takes two steps back releasing your body and opening the back door for you. And the next minute passes too fast, rolling up your dress as Hank undoes his belt and unzips his pants. In just a sigh he's deep-buried between your legs. It's the first time you take this kind of risk, almost in public, and the horniness it produces is driving you crazy. With your lips almost touching the others, you moan uninhibited every time his hands on your lower back urge you to keep swinging your hips, sitting on his lap.

The way his eyes memorize every gesture drawn on your face has you breathless. It's a sensation you can't describe. Hank has some kind of power over you that you haven't experienced before, even if you think you're indomitable he always manages to make whatever he wants with you. And you know it. You let him do it. Just like right now, marking his territory with desirous bites and wet kisses all around your exposed throat. The most visible part of your body. He doesn't need to prove anything. He isn't the kind of man who needs to call out any other man who dares to lay his eyes on you. Everybody in this damn city knows you're more than his pupil and they're too scared to say hi, although there's always an exception to the rule. In this case, the FBI agents acting like carrion birds.

The mist clouds the windows, as the heat concentrated on your bodies makes you sweat slightly. Hank takes the control turning you under his body against the seat in a position that puts you to see the stars. Every move of his pelvis is accurate, hitting your g-spot, satisfied with how good his name sounds getting drowned between pleased moans once and again. With every push to your body, his dick is dug deeper through your tight wetness making him grunt into your ear, feeling more delighted than never before. And everything is because of the way you had to reply to that FBI agent in front of everyone, showing him how clear you have your preferences; not only because of your relationship, as Johnson pointed out. But because everybody in Chicago is aware that there's no better boss in law enforcement. There's no better Unit than the Intelligence one from the police department of your hometown.

As your legs get wrapped around his waist to pull him closer, one of his arms surrounds your middle back while his free hand flies straight to your throat. Keeping your eyes closed, the suffocating sensation within your lower belly continues growing with every thrust that steals the air from your lungs and races your heart over its possibilities. You're close. So close that your mind is a total blank, just focused on the way only he can make you feel. So good, so desired, so full of life. He knows it, he takes it in advantage. And he enjoys it more than anything.

“Oh, fuck…” Hank got you almost in tears because of the pleasure, traveling your hands to the back of his neck, nailing your nails there. “God… I'm gonna… Fuck, Hank, don't stop, please… Don't stop”.

“I won't, my love… Not till you give me what I want”.

His voice always plays dirty with your mind. The way he has to drag every syllable on his tongue with that husky voice that puts you to tremble, as he continues burying his hard dick inside you with no mercy, speeding up as soon as he feels your legs clung to his body slightly shaking. Because of the fewer insecurities he has about your relationship, he feels proud whenever he makes you reach that sweet sensation of the orgasm taking control of your anatomy. He doesn't care if he has to use his hands, his tongue… whatever. It's not only about sex between the two of you, of course not. But making you cum screaming out his name is an every-day-goal.

And you don't make him wait for too long, arching your back when a lash of heat hits your spine and the grenade inside your lower belly explodes. Your gasps fill up your car, while he continues fucking you harder than seconds before not showing any compassion to your exhausted body, looking for your lips to devours them desperately. His tongue starts a fight for dominance, winning over yours like every single time, in the meantime his fingers grips tightly your throat. Instinctively, you swing your hips in sync, provoking every move to go deeper among your shaky legs.

Hank can't hold it anymore, digging his cock to the limits of your guts, almost hitting your soul with a last strong lung. His warm seed fills you up completely, keeping pushing his body against yours, pressing both to the seat with his hands now placed on the headrest. It feels like a whole set of fireworks. Your moans complement his delighted growls to perfection.

“Don't move, please”. You beg with a thin voice thread, at the same time he rests his forehead on yours.

The two of you can barely breathe, trying to recover after an intense session of your favorite cardio workout. From nowhere, you can't help but giggle in unison. You can't believe you just fucked inside your car and with the risk of being caught in the act. A sergeant and one of his special agents. Even if it's your free night and you're in an established relationship, he's still your boss.

“I would miss working with you”.

“Huh?”

“If I get the FBI's offer”. You mumble, leaving clumsy kisses all around his face. “You're the best cop Chicago has”.

“You don't have to butter me up for a second round”.

Shaking your head briefly and laughing, you caress his scalp so gently as he sinks his face into your sweaty neck.

“Now you said so… maybe I have the fantasy of being bent over your desk”.

“Maybe?”

“Yeah, just… maybe”.

“Then maybe I could bring you to my office, before going home. There's some paperwork to attend to��.

[a-square-minus-one]

Honey: Chapter 2

Just a series of semi-connected one shots that lead for Garfield and Raven falling in love.

Read Chapter 1 here.

Garfield plays with a chain around his neck, looking out at the twinkling skyline of Jump City. The sun is starting to set, weaving brush strokes of purple and yellow between the tall steel buildings. He starts drumming a beat on his thigh.

“...so tomorrow is the big premiere date,” says the woman sitting across from him. He’s deduced that she’s in her mid-sixties from stories she’s shared with him in previous meetings of her own grown children and grandchildren.

“Yeah,” Garfield mumbles, continuing to look out the window. He had a hard time looking at her face. Her eyes were an impossible shade of blue and very hard to read. During their first session he had joked for thirty minutes straight. She had smiled brightly at each one, teeth perfectly straight and blindingly white. Then she asked “So why do you think you joke so often?” and his rehearsed jokes shriveled up in his mouth. That was a year ago, he’s been coming to her bi-weekly ever since.

When she doesn’t say anything for a few moments, Garfield focuses her attention back on her. She’s looking at his hand that’s fiddling with the chain on his neck. He drops it and shuffles in his seat again.

“It was Elastigirl’s,” he says. Irma nods, shrugging to let him know that he doesn’t have to say anymore.

“Who’s coming to the premiere?” she asks.

“Everyone-” he says, then pauses. “‘Cept for Rae. Didn’t want to dress up.” He chuckles, running a hand through his hair. Irma smirks and nods.

“Terra is going I assume?” Irma asks. Garfield nods.

“Yeah, she’s gonna meet me at the premiere. Titans East gave her the night off. She looked for a dress for months.”

“She’s really proud of you.”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t seem excited.”

“No! I am!” Garfield says, his butt rises out of his seat as he rushes to correct her. He plops back down when he notices Irma’s arched brow. 

“I am,” he says again, this time more softly. “Just a little nervous.” 

Irma nods, silently asking him to continue. Garfield runs a hand through his hair.

“It’s my first drama. Up until now casting directors have only casted me in supporting roles for comedies. Mostly as a favor to Nightwing. Or because-” Garfield chuckles but knows Irma would never let him stop the sentence halfway. She looks at him expectantly. “Or, well, because I’m green and the world knows me.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone knows Changeling,” Garfield shakes his head. “No. They know Beast Boy. So they put me in these movies and it’s almost an afterthought. Like Oh cool! That superhero was in that movie for five minutes. What’s funnier or more random than a green guy. But it’s...forgettable.”

“And you’re hoping that this role will be the one that makes people take you seriously.”

“Yeah! I mean, when I started acting, I know people thought it was a superficial thing. Raven rolled her eyes when I told her about my first role. I don’t think she ever got past how giant my ego got when we went to Tokyo and those girls were my fans. But I was younger than and so thirsty for attention.”

“This role is more than that.”

“Exactly!” Garfield exclaims, his body rising out of his seat. He settles down again. It grows silent for a few seconds. “When I was younger, Elastigirl used to show me all these movies from the 50s. I remember watching Roman Holiday and being completely entranced by how beautiful Audrey Hepburn was-” Garfield pauses, playing with his chain again. “But it’s not just the beauty, it was her air. She was a captivating actress.” Garfield thinks of how Rita looked in her own films and smirks to himself. She was equally as mesmerizing but he wasn’t going to bring that up to Irma.

“Why did you bring up Raven specifically?” Irma cuts through his thoughts.

“Huh?” Garfield asks, confused by the random question. 

“You brought up Raven specifically. When you talked about your first role.”

Garfield nods slowly, trying to jump ahead to what Irma was getting at.

“Why does her opinion matter?”

“Well she’s my friend.” Garfield says immediately. Irma nods.

“But you didn’t bring up Cyborg or Starfire. Why’d you bring up Raven?”

Garfield pauses, running a hand through his hair. It’s silent for a couple of minutes.

“I guess...well….everything Raven does and says has weight to it. She’s never said anything just to fill time or space,” Garfield feels his forehead scrunch up in concentration. Irma waits. “She’s just...different than me. I don’t know why her opinion matters. I just...I know that all the words that come out of her mouth are honest. Her delivery is shit sometimes,” Garfield chuckles. “A lot of people think she’s rude. But she really holds no anger towards anyone. She’s-”

“Impartial?” Irma offers. Garfield waits a minute to digest that word and then nods. 

“It just...always feels like she’s right. She weighs all of her thoughts before she settles on an opinion.”

“No one can be right always.” Irma says. Garfield shrugs. Irma hums. 

“So what color dress did Terra settle on?” Irma asks. Garfield laughs.

“It’s green but a completely different shade of green than my skin. We won’t match,” Garfield places a hand over his chest, feigning tragedy. Irma laughs.

“Pity,” she jokes and the session continues.

….

“How was the workout superstar?” Nightwing asks with a wide smile when Garfield bursts into the common room with a towel around his neck.

“Completely worth all the food I’m gonna eat at the premiere,” Garfield says, laughing as Nightwing’s smile falters immediately. Nightwing always harped on keeping track of your protein intake with the team. And the carbs. And the sugar. Garfield wasn’t sure which he had heard from their leader more, “Titans Go!” or “Food is energy!” Garfield kind of just ate what he wanted. He figured out in his late teens that he could just turn into a different animal that would process and digest the food he ate a little differently. It pissed Nightwing off who would have long talks with him about discipline. Garfield laughed with Irma about it all the time.

Garfield spots Raven with her nose in a book and saunters over with a grin.

“Did you hear that Rae? My premiere is tonight,” Garfield says, stepping just a centimeter into her personal space. Raven snaps her book closed.

“I may have overheard it one of the twenty times you’ve brought it up this past week.”

“Really? Twenty?” Garfield asks, rubbing his chin. “Seems like it should be higher. It’s a pretty big film. Lotta big names.” 

“Mmmm and you,” Raven says, opening her book up again. Garfield chuckles. He takes the book out of Raven’s hands and shuts it, making sure he places a finger in it so he can keep her page. Raven glares at him. Garfield hears Irma’s voice screaming “boundaries” in the back of his head. But he doesn’t think he’s pushed her too far just yet. 

“You know we still have a seat saved for you.” Garfield says. Starfire bursts from the kitchen.

“Oh yes friend it would be glorious. I know we could find you a dress if we left right this instant,” Kori says, hands clasped tightly together in front of her. Garfield cringes internally knowing that dress shopping really wouldn’t be the way to convince Raven. 

“You can wear whatever you like,” he amends, feeling as the finger that was holding her book open twitched nervously. Raven makes direct eye contact with Garfield and he feels himself still completely. 

“You know I would have liked to Garfield but I can’t,” Raven says. Garfield feels his body sink a little.

“I get it Rae,” he says, handing her back her book. And he does. Large crowds were still hard for her. Shouting fans, even worse. “But I’m sorry you’ll miss my academy award winning performance,” he jokes. Raven looks at him seriously for a moment, just long enough for Garfield to question whether she thought he was letting the fame go to his head. Then she smirks impishly, reverting her eyes to the text he placed back in her hands.

“You’re a regular Tom Hanks.” Garfield laughs, almost not recognizing the arm that loops around his. 

“My man is better than Tom Hanks. Ooh sweaty,” Terra says, running her hand down Garfield’s arm. He laughs.

“Don’t tell the pap, the gossip magazines would find a way to eat me for it,” Garfield jokes, looking down at his girlfriend. She raises her eyebrow naughtily. Garfield feels his face heat up and looks around at his friends but they’re all too preoccupied to notice Terra’s blatant suggestiveness. 

“I thought you were getting ready at home and then meeting me at the premiere,” Garfield says.

“I decided I’d stop by early. Maybe get ready with Star?” Terra asks loudly enough for Starfire to hear. Kori nearly drops the bowl she was eating out of. She puts it on the table and squeals. Garfield smiles warmly at Terra. It was moments like this that he remembered why they’ve lasted so long. Getting ready with Starfire was an Olympic sport for anyone. The only people who chose to get ready with Starfire were the people who loved her and wanted to see her happy.

“Oh friend! That would be the most delightful!” Then Starfire pauses.

“What’s wrong Star?” Nightwing says, grabbing her hand.

“Well I had scheduled an appointment with my makeup artist and hair stylist for you and I,” Starfire says. Nightwing’s eyes widen so much behind his mask that Garfield has to put his hand over his mouth to cover his smile. He looks at Raven quickly and realizes that she too is on the verge of laughter behind her book. They make eye contact. Garfield’s laugh has quieted down into a soft smile. Raven lowers her book and smirks back. 

“That won’t be necessary Star!” Nightwing says in one breath. Starfire’s face falls a little. Terra chuckles.

“Star I’d love to join you!” Terra says enthusiastically. Garfield sends a big smile Starfire’s way.

“I know you ladies are going to look spectacular,” he says. “I should go grab my suit though,” he finishes, looking at his watch. He plants a hasty kiss on Terra’s cheek and jogs out the common room. 

….

And they did look amazing. Starfire had gone for a shimmering golden dress, her hair falling down her back in loose waves. Cyborg joked that Nightwing had almost choked on his spit when he saw her. Garfield had helped Terra pick out her silk emerald dress so he was less starstruck when he saw her but she looked extra pretty with her hair curled up in a fancy little updo. 

“I have like three hundred pins in my hair,” she had said to him when he helped her out of the limo. He laughed. “Looks nice,” he had said.

They are currently on the red carpet and Garfield’s nerves are shot. He always felt trapped at these things. It’s not that he didn’t love his fans but all at once, it was a little much to handle. He didn’t have it as bad as Raven but he did have millions of potential animals living inside him. All the flashing lights gave him a headache. Everyone spoke so loud too, he had to resist the urge to put his hands over his sensitive ears.  

“Changeling himself!” shouts an interviewer into her microphone. Her skin is almost the same shade of orange as Kori’s. Garfield smiles at her but has to grind his teeth together as his ears ring. He tightens his grip on Terra’s hand. She squeezes back.

“And the beautiful Terra,” the interviewer says, directing her attention to Terra. “You guys are quite the power couple. Are you excited to see the movie?” 

Terra has to move her head back an inch as the microphone is shoved into her personal space. The interviewer is way too energetic. Garfield knew way too much about the business to know that this interviewer wasn’t completely sober right now. This kind of energy was not normal around all these people. Even Starfire got tired at these events.

“Of course I am. I know he’s gonna kill it. Like everything else he does in his life,” Terra says, her excitement much more muted that the woman in front of them. Garfield tries to block out the sensory overload so he can fully experience his gratitude at Terra’s honest words but it’s hard.

“Aww! So sweet!” their interviewer squeals and looks at the cameras with comically wide eyes.

“Changeling! This is your first drama. I’m told the plot doesn’t mention the green skin at all,” the interviewer asks. Garfield nods, immediately feeling like there was a heavy ball rolling around in his head, smacking at the walls of his skull. He pushes himself to answer the question though, feeling its importance even through the pain. 

“Michael was interested in me for this role when he wrote it but he couldn’t get past the green skin at first. I loved the character so much that I was even considering doing CGI to make me look different. But that...wouldn’t be honest. I am...a green man. And anyways all movies involve some suspension of disbelief. So if we can believe that Sandy Bullock is an astronaut then we can believe that I am a regular man...with regular motivations,” Garfield pauses when he says regular man. He always felt like a regular man so telling people to pretend he was a regular man felt cheap. The interviewer nods and if the blank look in her eyes was any indication, Garfield is certain she didn’t register a word he said. He keeps his smile up despite the fiery ball that grows in the pit of his stomach.

“So, do you guys think kids will be in your future?” the interviewer asks. Garfield feels himself take a step back at the blunt question. He shakes his head. She wasn’t even going to pretend to listen to anything he was saying.

“Uh-” he began shaking his head, trying to erase the disbelief off his face.

“Well I certainly want one or two,” Terra says with a chuckle. Garfield looks towards Terra. A flash goes off to the right of them and it makes the jewels in Terra’s hair shine right into his eyes. He closes his eyes.

“Wha-” he starts and Terra turns to him with an eyebrow quirked.

“What?” she asks. In his peripheral as the interviewer moves the microphone closer to the couple and Garfield feels the heat flow from his core into his limbs. He puts one of his hands in his pockets and clenches it. He smiles at the interviewer.

“Well we should be heading in,” he says politely, his smile tight and uncomfortable. “Thank you for your questions.”

Garfield doesn’t listen to the interviewer’s response as he walks hastily into where the movie will be played, dragging Terra along behind him. When they are far enough from inquiring ears Terra rips her hand out of his.

“What was that?” she asks, arms crossed. Garfield blinks a couple times and shakes his head. He senses that Terra’s anger was directed towards him but that couldn’t be right. 

“She asked you if you wanted to have kids with me and you said ‘uh-’,” Terra says, making a dumb face to mimic how he looked when he answered the question. It plucked at Garfield’s nerves like a guitar string.

“Of course I said ‘uh.’ It’s none of her business,” Garfield says, palms lifted to the air as if this was the most obvious thing ever.

“Do you not want to have kids with me?” Terra asks.

“What? Um-” Garfield shakes his head. He still hasn’t been able to quiet his anxiety from being out there with all those flashes of light. 

“Gar why are you hesitating?” Terra asks.

“Terra, I can barely concentrate on my own thoughts. You know how these things are for me,” he says carefully, placing three fingers on his forehead.

“I just feel like that’s something that should come automatically to you. I know I want to have kids with you,” Terra says.

“We haven’t even discussed having kids ourselves, why would I tell a random reporter about something I should be discussing with you.”

“Because you’re excited about our future. Because you want to tell the world,” Terra says, lips twitching in a way that makes the fireball in his stomach explode.

“Terra we don’t even know if I can have kids,” he wants to shout but he doesn’t trust that no one is around. The restraint it takes makes the veins pop out in his neck. Terra takes a step back and looks him up and down.

“I’ll meet you inside,” she says slowly and turns away from him. He sucks his teeth.

“Wait. Terra,” he says, grabbing her hand to stop her but she snatches it away. He groans.

…. 

Garfield settles down in his seat next to Terra fives minutes later. Nightwing, Cyborg and Starfire give him enthusiastic thumbs ups as he walks past them. Terra doesn’t look at him, her shoulders tense. The theater is much quieter than outside of course and Garfield is able to get his bearings. He practices the mindfulness skills that Irma taught him. Closing his eyes, he mentally catalogues what he feels, tastes, smells, and hears. He opens his eyes when he feels a small hand move over his.

“Are you okay?” Terra asks. Her lips are still in a thin line so he knows she’s still angry but she does look genuinely concerned. He nods and puts a hand over her hand. She nods back, takes her hand back and settles into her seat. 

Garfield looks at the empty seat to the right of him that was saved for Raven and feels a confusing tug in his stomach. He doesn’t have time to interpret it though as he hears the announcement for the start of the movie. He feels a heavy weight in his stomach that leaves him digging himself deep into his chair.

…

When the lights slowly start coming back on, Garfield has not felt the weight ease off of him. He took mental notes of the things he could change in his acting as he was watching. The role came out slightly different than he had intended. He’s looking down at his lap and everything is silent, making the weight in his stomach grow so heavy that he is sure he’ll be pulled through the ground at any moment. 

And then he hears something small. Like a phone falling on the floor. And he hears it again. And again. A rhythm. They’re clapping. He looks up at Terra next to him. Her face makeup is smudged and there are tear tracks on her cheeks but she’s looking at him with the most loving smile. He stands up. She puts both her hands on his face.

“Beast Bo-Changeling, that was amazing,” she says, completely in awe. A few late tears slip from her lids. He looks around at the audience who are all looking at him. Cyborg comes behind him and slaps him on the back aggressively.

“I didn’t know you had it in you grass stain!” he booms. Garfield feels himself chuckle but his being feels a little disconnected from his body. He peaks over Terra’s shoulder and Starfire looks about ready to explode. She is practically vibrating. Garfield is sure she’d burst through the ceiling if Nightwing wasn’t holding onto her hand so tightly. Nightwing looks...proud. Something about that makes Garfield’s eyes sting. He knows Nightwing loves him but between the stink ball and the corny jokes, it wasn’t always that Nightwing admired Garfield.

He receives compliments like this from his costars and the Titans as they all begin to trickle out of the theatre to the after party. He has never felt bigger or more humbly blessed in his life. He and Terra are the last people in the theatre. 

“Listen,” she says when Starfire and Nightwing leave. “I’m sorry about what I said before.”

“I know. I am too,” he says, settling back down into his seat. She squeezes his hand.

“I am so beyond proud of you,” she says, and her eyes become glossy with tears. He gives her a closed lip smile and squeezes her hand again. She stands up and shoots him a questioning look when he doesn’t stand up with her. He puts a hand over hers to quiet her worries.

“I just...need to sit here a while. Kinda doesn’t feel real.” Garfield says in a very small voice. Terra smiles, the jewels in her hair twinkling in the low lighting. 

“I get it,” she says, placing a simple kiss on his cheek. “I’ll catch up with Nightwing and Starfire and meet you there, okay?” 

He nods. 

When she leaves the room Garfield feels himself collapse into his chair. He can’t believe he did it. All those long nights. Going to sets at 5 am with injuries from battles with Plasmus. He feels his throat tighten as he plays with his chain.

“She would have been proud of you.”

His head snaps up. Raven is walking towards him in a giant Hanes sweater, rolled up jeans and white sneakers. He stands up quickly.

“How-” he clears his throat. “How long have you been here?”

“Whole movie.”

Garfield gapes at her.

“I phased into the room where the man handles the film and projector. It was quieter there. Didn’t have to worry about the crowd.”

Garfield nods dazedly and sits back down. Raven walks up and gestures to the seat next to him.

“Can I sit?” she asks, pulling a strand of hair behind her ear.

“It was your seat.”

“Right,” Raven mumbles and sits in her chair. She draws her knees to her chest. Garfield feels a tightening in his chest about how small and adorable she looks. She could stop the world and yet she could fit her whole body in these tiny chairs.

“You look comfy,” he says, feeling an easy smile slip on his face.

“Well I certainly wasn’t going to wear a dress,” she says. The laughter escapes his lips like bubbles. They sit for a few moments in a comfortable silence looking at the empty screen in front of them.

“She would have been proud of you,” Raven says again and Garfield turns to her with a brow arched. She’s looking at something on his chest. He realizes he’s playing with his chain.

“Rita, I mean.” Raven says, playing with her shoe laces. Garfield feels his whole body still. 

“I know that’s why you do all of this,” Raven says, lifting her hand and waving it around. Garfield fixates on her delicate fingers as they weave through the air. He imagines her magic swimming between her fingers. “For Rita.” Raven finishes and Garfield looks back at her eyes again. He notices she’s not wearing any makeup and yet her skin looks completely smooth and clean.

“She would have loved seeing you do this,” Raven says. “You were like...Gregory Peck.”

Garfield feels a breath escape his lips. “Sorry...just...Roman Holiday was one of Rita’s favorite movies,” he says even though his throat feels weirdly tight and awkward.

“I know.”

“What?”

“Rita and I used to talk,” Raven says, shrugging. Garfield feels himself smiling again despite himself.

“You used to talk?” he asks in disbelief. “To Rita?” Raven crosses her arms, looking slightly peeved. She shrugs.

“Yes...about things.”

“Oh!” Garfield exclaims. Nodding as if Raven had just clarified everything. “You used to talk about things. My bad. Of course you used to talk about things.” He teases, wiggling his fingers whenever he says ‘things.’ 

“Gar…” Raven says, looking him up and down. It is then that he realized how close he’s gotten to her. Definitely closer than she’s allowed before. He hears Irma saying something about “boundaries” in the back of his mind. Still, it takes him a few seconds to put a respectable amount of space between them.

“Are you coming to the after party?” he asks, when the tingling he just felt in his stomach settles down. Raven shoots him a look. He raises his hands.

“Got it.” 

“I’m going to leave now,” she says, standing abruptly and he feels himself standing with her. He’s smiling at her; his cheeks hurt. She looks up at him and bites her lips. Then she smiles. Not one of her smirks but a full smile. It’s enough to make Garfield feel like he needs to sit down again. 

And suddenly he can’t see her face because she’s wrapped him in a tight hug. He feels the breath leave his lungs.

“I’m happy for you.” Her breath manages to find its way through the buttons of his button up and tickles the hair on his chest. He feels his chest expand. 

And suddenly she’s gone, before he can even wrap his arms around her too.

[aurumacadicus]

AU Yeah August 22/31--Business AU

Anon suggested Pepper/May! A surprisingly popular rare pair, honestly. Don’t forget: Support your local small businesses! Look out for under the cut!

--

It was never actually supposed to turn out as well as it had.

After Ben had died, May had been struggling to make ends meet, especially when they’d just taken in Ben’s nephew, Peter. Social services had offered to put him in a foster home, but she’d been too unwilling to cause the boy anymore upheaval after losing first his parents, and then his uncle. She’d agreed with Ben to take responsibility for him, so she’d stick to it and show Peter how important it was to keep promises.

But then one day she couldn’t even afford peanut butter or bread to make a sandwich for him, so she’d had to make a call.

“I’m not asking for a handout,” she’d said, voice shaking. “I need a loan. I’ll pay whatever interest you decide as long as it’s reasonable.”

“Bake me a cake and we’re even,” Tony Stark had told her, and hung up without another word. Within minutes, he’d wired her more money than she’d ever dreamed of.

She’d baked him a cake every week for a month before he’d said, “You could make a go of this, you know.”

May hadn’t known. She didn’t think her cakes were worth ‘a go.’ Sure, they were good enough for a neighbor’s birthday party for a few bucks, but an actual storefront? She wasn’t sure about that.

“Just a thought,” Tony had said when she hadn’t responded. “But I’d give you a loan for that, if you wanted,” he added as he picked up the last cake she’d made and left with it.

May had thought about it for a long time before calling him back up and taking the plunge. If it failed, it failed. But if it thrived, she’d have enough to get by, and she was willing to do that. Peter deserved to be taken care of well.

.-.-.-.

Things got off to a shaky start, but then she catered a wedding for a very wealthy socialite with three different flavors of cupcakes and her business soared. She’d never be able to thank Tony enough for the initial loan or the reference to his friend.

“I just want cake,” Tony told her seriously, and did not inform her that every single loan payment she gave him went into a college fund for Peter. He had the money, and she’d been one of the few friends he had growing up. He didn’t mind helping her and her family, especially after the shock of Ben’s sudden death. “And Janet knows I have a sweet tooth so when she’d asked for bakery references I told her about you because you make great cake. Janet was over the moon when she came back from tasting with you. I like the ants you used to decorate Hank’s cupcakes. The chocolate went really well with the pistachio cake.”

“Thanks, they were tedious,” May replied, and smacked his hand away from the lace cookies she’d baked as an experiment. “Those have peanuts.”

Tony stared at the cookies morosely. “It’s only a mild allergy.”

“Don’t be a fucking idiot,” May told him. “Set a better example for Peter.”

Tony sighed as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders as he finally turned away from the cookies. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“These are too ugly for my catering gig,” she said, handing him a tray full of lopsided or slightly overdone cupcakes cut into halves. “Take these outside as samples and if a guy with a pet horse comes up, his horse can have one of the vanilla ones.”

“A pet horse?” Tony said, baffled, but took the tray outside obediently.

May waited until he was outside the door to pull out her phone and take a picture of him to send to Peter. She didn’t think there was anything funnier than a handsome man in a suit who was usually so charismatic just forgetting everything about himself that made him approachable. Tony could run circles around a boardroom, but out in public, he was afraid to be too pushy as people went about their days. It made for the hilarious picture of a man mostly just holding the tray out with a hopeful expression. May had no idea why he was still single; he was fucking adorable.

She frowned when she watched his shoulders suddenly draw up to his ears and looked up from her phone screen. A woman was talking to him. Tony was looking everywhere but at her, as if trying to find an escape route.

May charged outside instead. “Who are you?” she asked bluntly.

The woman jerked back in surprise, hand coming up to her chest. “I, uh―I’m Virginia. Potts. Virginia Potts.”

“Well take your cupcake and stop bothering my sampler,” May retorted.

“I can’t have gluten, so I guess I’ll just… go,” Virginia Potts said, flustered, and turned on one of her heels and quickly walked away.

“Why did you do that,” Tony asked, mortified.

May turned to tell him that not much had actually changed and she’d protect him from bullies regardless of how old they were, but the horror on his face stopped her. “...Did I do something wrong?” she asked, voice small.

“We’ve been trying to work with Potts Tech for years and we finally had a contract drawn up, we just needed to go over it one last time,” Tony breathed, shoulders sagging. He almost looked like he might cry. “What if she decides not to do business with me anymore?”

“Over a cupcake?” May asked skeptically, but was honestly beginning to feel a little bit bad about it. “If she really cares about this merger or whatever it is, one mean cake lady shouldn’t put her off,” she reasoned.

Tony sighed, frowning down at the cupcakes. “She said I looked like an awkward greyhound.”

May had to try very hard not to laugh, because he had looked awkward. She didn’t know what that had to do with greyhounds, but she figured if she asked Peter, he would know. “I mean…”

Tony looked up at her, hurt. “I give you a loan for a bakery and a client who’s gonna sing your praises to everyone she meets and you agree that I look like the ugliest dog to ever exist.”

“You’re not uglier than a pug,” May offered.

“Not uglier than a pug?” Tony repeated shrilly, and she fled back into the store. “Just put the bar on the ground it’s so low!”

May finished up her cupcakes for the event she was catering and then made some lace cookies without peanuts just for him since she felt bad. She was just walking toward the door again when she watched a familiar Great Dane plow into Tony and take him out, cupcakes and all. She turned and went back into the kitchen. It would probably take an entire cake to make him feel better about how his day had gone. She could always tell him it was an experimental flavor if he accused her of doing it out of pity, after all.

.-.-.-.

“Oh,” May said when noticed a familiar redhead approaching the table. “It’s you.”

“I’ve just come to get a napkin,” Pepper said hastily, holding the napkin up.

May stared at her, bewildered. “I’m not going to stop you from taking a napkin.”

“I didn’t know if you were still mad about me harassing Mr. Stark during his… side job?” Pepper suggested after a moment. “Although to be fair, I didn’t expect a man making billions of dollars to need a side job…”

“Mostly I bully him. He’s easily bullied outside of business,” May replied, shrugging. “Also I knew if I didn’t kick him out somehow he’d give himself an allergic reaction to peanuts and he’s adorable when he’s awkward. So.”

“Well, he was pretty adorable once you got past the terror in his eyes,” Pepper mused. “I hope he got one of the cupcakes. He looked so awkward.”

May did not tell her that Tony hadn’t because he’d been quite fantastically taken out by her tattoo-artist neighbor’s Great Dane. She figured she’d embarrassed him in front of a potential business partner enough for one day. “I’m really sorry about snapping at you. I get kind of protective of him since he’s helped me out so much,” she explained. She motioned at some cupcakes. “These are gluten free, if you want one. I use a mix of almond, brown rice, and oat flour.”

“Oh, I’m allergic to strawberries,” Pepper said, smiling apologetically.

May stared at her. “Gluten-free and allergic to strawberries. What else are you intolerant to? Joy and love?”

“Hey, no one was sadder than I was when I bit into a strawberry and got covered in hives when I was five,” Pepper replied with good humor. “But yeah, I’m intolerant to gluten and allergic to strawberries, blackberries, and raspberries. Yup,” she added when May’s mouth fell open in disbelief. “It’s pretty sad. I console myself with the fact that I can at least eat peaches and cherries.”

“I do have a triple chocolate cherry cake I could probably tweak to be gluten-free,” May mused.

Pepper frowned, concerned. “Oh, you don’t have to do that.”

“I like playing with recipes. It’s how Tony and I bonded. I’m surprised he doesn’t weigh more, honestly,” May said, shrugging. “Come by the shop in a week and I’ll have some for you.”

Pepper continued to frown for a moment, unsure, but it quickly faded into a shy smile. “Really? I’d like that. I haven’t had a really good cupcake in like… five years.”

“This’ll be the best cupcake you will ever have in your life,” May promised, smiling back at her.

Pepper tilted her head, smile growing, apparently giddy at the thought.

Oh no, May thought, dismayed. Pepper was really cute like this. She’d better make sure the cupcakes were fantastic.

.-.-.-.

“Why are you vibrating,” Tony asked, concerned.

“I’m not,” May lied, and set her water bottle down, because she couldn’t take a decent sip of it.

Tony continued to squint at her suspiciously, not believing her for a minute. Then he turned when he heard the bell May had hung above the door chime pleasantly. “You,” he gasped, pointing.

“Uh, hi?” Pepper replied, confused.

“You signed the contract no take backsies,” Tony informed her imperiously.

“I wasn’t going to try and take it back?” Pepper answered, frowning at him. “I literally just came to have a cupcake.”

Tony turned his suspicious squint on her. Pepper was alarmed to admit that it did give her an awkward pause. He hadn’t looked like that when they’d gone over the contract earlier.

“Cut it out!” May hissed, smacking his shoulder.

Tony whipped around to scowl at her, then frowned. Then he gasped and looked back at Pepper. “Oh!” He turned back to May, smirking. “Ohoho. Oh.”

“Leave immediately,” May ordered.

“I gotta pee first,” Tony chirped, continuing to smirk at her, and sauntered back behind the counter and into the back.

“...I can’t tell if he’s lying, but if he isn’t, it is truly unfair that he can sound smug even while he needs to pee,” Pepper said after a moment.

May sighed, dropping her face into her hands. “He’s always been like that.”

“That’s horrifying,” Pepper said, but she also looked intrigued. She looked around the bakery, peering through the glass at some of the confections on display. “I miss cream puffs,” she said sadly before turning her attention back to May. “You said you’d have a cupcake for me?” she asked hopefully.

May nodded, proud of herself. She’d gotten Peter, M.J., and Ned to try out the recipe every time she tweaked it. They’d finally all given her a thumbs up, although Ned had made the comment that the cherry chutney in the center might be a bit cloying to people who didn’t like sweets. It had been a chance May had been willing to take, because otherwise the chocolate could have overpowered the more subtle cherry flavor.

She watched with probably too much intensity as Pepper took the cupcake and delicately peeled the paper away. She wanted Pepper to like it. Pepper was devastatingly beautiful but could be so adorable and she had perfect teeth and couldn’t eat strawberries and May liked her. So. She wanted Pepper to like the cupcake she’d made just for her.

“Oh,” Pepper said at the first bite, surprised. “That’s―wow! I thought it would be too sweet with the chocolate and the cherry together, but―It’s perfect? Incredible,” she breathed, and took another bite. “Mm! And the frosting is really good, too!”

May beamed at her. “I’m glad you like it!”

“This is better than any other cupcake I’ve ever eaten,” Pepper said around another mouthful, and she honestly looked a little teary about it. “This was so good, I can’t believe it! And it won’t make me sick!”

“If you don’t slow down, it might,” May teased, smitten. She began boxing up the rest of the cupcakes.

Pepper frowned at her, confused, then jumped a little, delighted. “Oh! They’re all for me! My tailor might hate me a little but I for one am not sorry about this at all. How much are they?”

“They’ve been paid for,” May said, shrugging.

Pepper frowned again. “What? Come on, I know that gluten-free ingredients can be expensive, and you went out of your way to make these special just for me…”

May shrugged again. “Paid for.”

“...By whom,” Pepper asked, narrowing her eyes skeptically.

May pointed at Tony, who had been making a very discreet break for the door. “He did, because I told him that I’d smoothed things over with you and he mistakenly believes I saved his business relationship with you.”

Tony yelped when Pepper turned to set him straight and bolted out the door. She followed him, determined.

“Tony wait it’s two o’clock,” May choked out.

“Holy shit,” Pepper squeaked as what looked like a small horse plowed into Tony, knocking him ass over teakettle.

“Steve always takes his dog for a walk at two o’clock,” May sighed, covering her face.

Pepper stared from where she stood halfway to the door. “That’s a horse.”

“Great Dane,” May explained, smiling a little.

Pepper continued to stare. “Should I help him?”

May watched as Steve frantically tried to pull his dog away even though they were roughly the same size. Tony looked resigned down where the dog was licking him. “No,” she finally said. “Maybe now he’ll learn.”

“He doesn’t strike me as the type to learn easily,” Pepper mused.

“He isn’t,” May confirmed, and then slid another cupcake across the counter. “Have another.”

“You’re gonna make me fat,” Pepper said, turning to accept it. She did not look perturbed by this in the slightest as she peeled the wrapper back.

May smiled. “Oh no, I guess we’ll just have to go jogging together to keep the pounds from creeping up.”

“Oh, you jog, too?” Pepper asked. “I always go in the evenings. We could meet up? Is Central Park too far for you? I don’t mind driving out here if you have a route you like.”

May’s smile froze on her face. Oh God. She’d been joking. She opened her mouth to weakly tell her so, but then closed it again, thoughtful. Pepper was very pretty. This way she could perhaps gauge her interest. And if she passed out while jogging, maybe Pepper would give her mouth-to-mouth.

“Central Park is fine! I’ll meet you at West Ninetieth?” May offered.

“Oh, I love the Reservoir path,” Pepper replied happily. “I don’t get off work until five, but I could spring to buy you dinner afterward if you want?”

“It’s a date!” May answered cheerfully.

“A date,” Pepper confirmed, smiling, and took the box May handed her. She saluted her with the cupcake. “Thanks for the cupcakes! I’ll definitely order again!”

“Looking forward to it!” May called after her, smitten. She sighed, leaning her cheek on her hand as she watched Pepper step over Tony and stride away. A date.

Then May squawked and bolted out the door, shoving Steve’s Great Dane away and grabbing Tony by the shirt, shaking him. “Tony what do I wear to go jogging?!”

“You don’t jog,” Tony mumbled, confused.

“Sorry,” Steve said as May tugged Tony up onto his feet. “I���m really working with him in training but we’re not quite there yet―”

“It’s okay,” Tony sighed, then looked at May in confusion. “You don’t jog.”

“I have a jogging date with Pepper,” May began, and then sighed when he pointed in her face and laughed. “I know! This is going to be the worst! But I’ll do it if it means I can figure out whether she likes women or not!”

“Who, Ms. Potts?” Steve asked.

Tony and May turned to stare at him.

Steve frowned. “She’s the one who gave me the loan for my tattoo shop. She likes my art. She lets me do tons of experimental work on her.”

“Pepper has tattoos?!” May sputtered, then groaned and hid her face in Tony’s shoulder. “I’m so gay. I wish I had Ben’s confidence. He wasn’t even a little put off that I didn’t realize we were dating until our one month anniversary and he got me a nice necklace.”

“If it helps, Pepper has mentioned being a useless lesbian, whatever that means,” Steve offered. “So go for it I guess?”

“I’ll babysit Peter if you want a… long night,” Tony offered.

“I’ll probably need it since I’ve never jogged before in my life and will end up in the hospital,” May sighed.

“I could bring takeout or something to keep you and Peter company,” Steve added quickly when Tony turned to give her a blank stare. “To make up for Shrimp. Knocking you down. ...Twice…”

Tony turned to give Steve his blank stare instead. “Your dog’s name is Shrimp?”

“He was the runt,” Steve said defensively.

May tugged at Tony’s sleeve impatiently. “Tony, please, I need to know what to wear. Also should I wear a nice bra if I’m going to die?”

“You’ll chafe,” Tony scoffed. “Bake me a cake and I’ll figure out a cute running outfit for you.”

“What is it with you and cake,” May hissed as she let him lead her back into her shop. “Don’t get Thai food because Tony’s allergic to peanuts!” she added to Steve, who brightened up at her tacit permission to hang out with Tony and Peter.

“It’s only a mild allergy,” Tony whined.

“How about Chinese instead,” Steve offered before the door shut on him.

May gave him a thumbs up through the glass while Tony immediately began swiping through his phone to find the nearest fitness clothes store. It figured that the first time someone that was actually Tony’s type asked him out, he wouldn’t notice. If Steve was smart, he’d leave Shrimp at home and flirt with Tony properly while Peter frowned at both of them judgmentally. Speaking of Peter…

I’ve managed at least a friendly date with Pepper-the-cutie but may die during jogging so if I do, you’ll go into Tony’s care, she texted him. As an afterthought, she added, And Steve will bring you guys food. Be nice because Steve is clearly enamored and Tony has no idea.

Ugh, Peter responded. I can’t even make fun of them a little? Also congrats on your maybe romantic date please don’t die.

May lifted her head to watch Tony stab at his phone while muttering about hot assholes with sleeves of tattoos and giant asshole dogs that knocked him over. You can make fun of them on Snap, just don’t do it to their faces because Tony’s skittish.

Cool I’ll take pictures of them mooning after each other, good luck with your date, Peter replied, along with several heart and kiss emoji.

May smiled down at her phone. Then she yelped when Tony came over and grabbed her boobs. “Tony what the fu ―”

“Thirty-six C,” he mumbled, and then left with a harried, “I’m picking up some clothes but wear old shoes tonight instead of the new ones I’m buying you so you don’t get too many blisters.”

May watched him go, still somewhat offended, but this time for the fact that he’d apparently figured out what bra to get her. How was he able to tell her bra size just from a quick squeeze? She couldn’t even figure out her bra size when she went shopping. She huffed and rolled her eyes, amused, and rolled up her sleeves so she could get started on a matcha swiss roll for Tony.

.-.-.-.

May didn’t die, and Pepper sprang for sushi. May sprang for a kiss at the end of the night.

“Oh thank God I had no idea if you liked women,” Pepper sighed, relieved, and pulled her in for another kiss.

May laughed against her mouth and wrapped her arms around Pepper’s back.

She could swear that Pepper still tasted like chocolate and cherries.

[werenotourmasks]

Ant-Man and the Wasp Review

JUST SAW ANT-MAN AND THE WASP I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS *I’ll try to be vague but potential spoilers*

- Scott Lang is the hero we all deserve he’s so sweet with Cassie and actually owns up to his mistakes plus he’s funny as hell

- Speaking of Cassie she’s so precious yet also so badass PROTECT THIS CHILD

- I think I’m in love with Hope Van Dyne everything she does is a power move??? She had a lot more development and personality in this one rather than the first and I don’t see how anyone could dislike her now. And as far as I can think of she’s the first female hero to appear in the title of a marvel movie I stan a badass queen

- LUIS. Oh my god. Such a scene stealer and his story was pure gold. Can Marvel release, like, a recap of the entire MCU so far narrated by him because 10/10 would watch obsessively

- Speaking of scene stealers Woo was hilarious. No hate for him at all he was just trying to do his job the guy needs a win already. And him trying to learn magic and basically asking Scott on a date at the end? The movie was already great but he made it *that* much better

- Hank was great as well his comments on Scott and Hope staring/daydreaming about each other were so funny and his dedication to his family was beautiful. I also love how the movie acknowledged his flaws, mainly ego, and incorporated that into the story

- Speaking of which Ghost is one of the best and most complex Marvel villains of all time, her motivation and backstory were compelling and I felt more sorry for her than anything despite some of her actions. In a similar vein, Bill’s motivations and moral dilemma that came with helping her were well-executed and his criticisms of Hank were honestly valid. I love the way their story turned out and I hope to see more of them in future movies, maybe as allies?

- If one character fell a bit flat for me it was Janet. Maybe it was just the lack of screentime and development for her but the only weight to her character was her connection with Hank and Hope. While incredibly touching, it wasn’t quite enough to get me really invested and there were too many things about her time in the quantum realm and the qualities she had afterward (trying to keep it vague sorry) that went unexplained. However the lack of development obviously made sense and my opinion could easily change in future movies if certain things were to happen

- I love love love how positively Scott’s relationship with Maggie and Paxton was portrayed. They all care abt Cassie and each other without any bitterness between them plus Paxton hugging Scott was A+ comedy

- Speaking of the comedy I was going to list the best funny parts but there’s so many it’s impossible, I think this movie may be the funniest besides Ragnarok. Let’s just say every joke was executed perfectly and a lot of them were really clever

-The action scenes were creative, compelling, and well-shot. The implications of being able to shrink and grow yourself and anything around you were explored to maximum potential and the result was just really freaking cool

-SCOTT AND HOPE ARE SO CUTE ASDFGHJKL. I liked them together well enough in the first movie but now I’m complete trash. The chemistry between Paul Rudd and Evangeline Lilly is fantastic and the dynamic between them is well balanced, not to mention the banter

- Speaking of Scott and Hope the last scene with them and Cassie in the car was so sweet I can’t deal

- THE MID-CREDIT SCENE HAS ME SHOOK. Yes it was kind of necessary to show the scope of impact infinity war had but at the same time was it really necessary? Just when I had fallen in love with certain characters too I mean c’mon marvel

- I can’t believe I waited ten minutes to see an ant playing drums

- THE QUESTION MARK CAN FIGHT ME OK

- Overall I think the first Ant-Man was a bit more cohesive plot-wise but the characterization in this one was better plus it was funnier and just a more enjoyable movie. Because of that I would rank amatw slightly above the first. As for the MCU as a whole, I had more fun watching this than any other movie besides Ragnarok and I loved it but it doesn’t quite rank in my top 5. However it was a brilliant movie overall and apart from the credit scene a perfect breather after infinity war. These characters are some of my favorites and I hope to see more ant-man movies. Amatw is definitely worth your time, go see it if you haven’t yet :)

[angel-scythe]

Chloe : Chapter 20

Hi !!

I’m so excited to show you this chapter and those coming after!!

I love you all for the interest you gave to my first long DBH fanfiction and the first one I could actually finish since six hellish months (what’s actually horrible for someone who can’t live without writing)

I hope you’ll love it.

You know what to do, right?

Smash the |   °| or keep reading!

7th December, 15:21

 School was over and Elizabeth came to the entry, didn’t know who will take her back to home or wherever she will be brought. Probably the precinct, anyway. Her papa’s or her daddy’s one, it was the same in the end.

She said goodbye to few friends and pulled out the tongue to Andy. Then she finished to cross the schoolyard. While she wasn’t yet at the end of the yard, she recognized someone and her heart bumped in her chest. She bounced then ran toward the person whom was talking in a cellphone. They looked to struggle.

She ran a little faster and jumped at the person legs, hugged them tightly.

“Hiiiii!”

“Hi!”

“I missed you!”

“Me too.”

She smiled widely and turned the head when she heard something. It was Andy whom coming and she hugged more tightly the legs.

“You see?! I told you my stepfather was an Android!” she screamed, as proud as a peacock.

“Elizabeth,” Connor said softly. “Don’t bother your little friend.”

“But…”

She looked toward him and saw that his cheeks were quite blue.

“Come, we’ll go to the precinct. You’re papa isn’t there already but he will soon.”

“Okay. You’ll stay with us?” she asked, looking him with wide eyes.

“I think, yes. If your papa is okay.”

“I’m sure he’s! He likes you so much!”

“Are you sure it’s not you who like me so much?”

“Too!” she giggled.

She had her hand in his and they walked in the street and she was so happy. She even didn’t care about the looks that finished on her. On the hand softly held. Or they were watching Connor. Maybe it depended of whom did it? The Androids looked her, for example.

After all, how a Human could love an Android and inversely.

Both didn’t care since the little girl talked about her day, so happy to share that with Connor. He was listening carefully and asked things. Then he talked about Sumo. He loved so much Sumo and Elizabeth was, of course, really entertained to listen about everything he could do.

As they walked, they arrived at the bus station. The precinct was not so near of the school and since Connor couldn’t drive a car… In fact, when the segregation ended, much robots started to want to drive and a lot gained their driver’s license. Few because they were already able to because of their works. Since, they should have passed the license. However, Connor didn’t feel the envy to drive especially because he was with Hank or, now, Gavin. Both could drive so it wasn’t really useful.

Now, just at this moment, he felt a little more the need to drive because people were looking his LED and his hand around Elizabeth’s one. Even the Androids looked him with astonishment. After all, a lot of Android discarded any sign of the fact that they were Robots. Some still used it but they were more and more rare.

The bus came and Connor let people got down and other got up before entering with the little girl. He has real money to help the transaction, knowing he should take the bus, and he took two tickets. The man behind his flywheel looked him as he walked in the alley. He let Elizabeth choose the place, near a window, and came to follow her.

“Wait a second!”

The voice was harsh.

Connor turned his head toward the head of the bus. It was the driver, getting up to come toward him.

“You’re an Android, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“You can’t come here. The Androids are in the back.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You can! Go in the back with the others!”

Connor was perplexed.

“I thought Markus has asked for the segregation to stop.”

“Yes. He does. And what he got? This! You have seat in the back. It’s pretty cool, no? Go there!”

Connor shook his head.

“I’m sorry, but no. I guess Elizabeth can’t come with me. Do you think I’ll let her alone? I rather sit with her.”

“I’ll kick you if you don’t move in the back, you shit!”

The Android looked him as the others passengers watched. A lot of Androids didn’t dare to act, in fact. Markus has gained rights for them but things needed time. They couldn’t just appear as they wanted to be seen for now. And they waited… Seat in the back, it was already a good thing. Even if it wasn’t the right law. Sometimes, it was better to just bend over and accept...

“I won’t repeat a third time, you dipstick. You. go. in. the. back. with. your. littles. friends.” The driver put his hand in his back pocket.

Elizabeth moaned, afraid.

“Conny…” she cried.

Connor couldn’t bear that. He really liked the little girl and she was Gavin’s daughter. For him, make her cry was like a double-crime.

“I hope for you it’s not a gun in your pocket.”

“Fucking Android!” The driver started to take what he had and Elizabeth screamed.

Connor got something in his jacket, too. People screamed in the bus, afraid. But the Android didn’t have a gun or whatever. However, what he showed frozen the man who licked hardly his lower lips.

“W… where do you…”

He watched the police badge in Connor’s palm.

“I’m Connor Anderson, the Android Detective working for the DPD. May I look in my data if you did something wrong, those lasts weeks? Or you prefer to try your chance with the gun? I never saw a trial from inside.”

In fact, Connor knew the man didn’t have a blank police record and he perfectly knew the man can’t force him to go in the back. It wasn’t the law after all.

“Okay. Okay… Just sit down. B… But, next time, say immediately you’re a fucking cop.” The man went to the front of the bus to sit behind his flywheel, mumbling against the Androids.

Connor sat beside the little girl and took her in his arms.

“Are you okay?”

“I… I’m okay. But I was scared.”

Connor hugged her more.

“I didn’t want you to be hurt.”

“I didn’t want you to be alone and hurt.”

The youngie cuddled in his arms. She was still scared. Maybe more because her both fathers were in the police? She knew. Sometimes, one will come back with bruises or wound and will explain, shortly, it happened in the work, because people weren’t kind. She knew what being hurt by a bullet or a weapon was and she had already her daddy in hospital. That time, he said it was the appendage but since her papa was worry and her daddy didn’t have his appendage since she was four, she didn’t think it was really the appendage.

She was just happy the man was okay now. And she was happy to get some love, caresses and hugs.

 7th December, 17:37

 As they came back to the precinct, Felix did the report on the computer and for Gavin too. For him, it was quite surprising that five of Gavin’s Classmates couldn’t remember him. Each of them, tough, used to have problem with Chloe when they were at school. The lady had warm blood and couldn’t stand it when people said something wrong about her brother. Since Elijah was weird and too intelligent, he really had people who hated him and insulted him. So Chloe was quite hated too but nobody has killed her or the ST200. Not with the alibis they gave.

Gavin couldn’t bore to hear him talk and talk.

It was weird because he almost had the same voice as Connor and he liked to hear Connor talk, in fact.

Almost because, for him, the voice were absolutely different. Connor’s one looked more soft, cute. And Felix has just a weird cold voice.

In his opinion.

He turned off the motor and went out of the car. Felix followed him, still doing the report. For three hours and half. Just kill him. And he even hadn’t eaten during the day. Only the coffee everyone offered to him and maybe a biscuit then, of course, the gum he chewed to don’t smoke. He wanted to smoke…

He went to the precinct and crossed the security.

“Connor is here.” He heard in his back.

Felix, of course.

But inside his heart, Gavin was happy to know that. He searched the Android with his eyes and smiled when he saw him but not only. As he was working, he had Elizabeth on his lap and seemed to help her to do her homework. She didn’t look like she was drawing anyway.

He went to the desk even if Hank was in front of it, drinking coffee while trying to make a report in his computer.

“I’ll do it, Lieutenant. Don’t worry about that. Do you need something in particular? I can make it appear in your terminal, maybe…”

“Don’t make life easy for you old dad, Connor. I won’t learn if you do everything for me.”

Well in fact, he tried to understand and manage his live around informatics since he was born. And he was from 85! Imagine how lame he could feel when he grew up with this technology. When all his friends got new and high-tech mp3, 4 or whatever the number and he still use a CD player because he preferred that and it was more easy. Well, now, he has a compact music player but still struggle with that.

“Plus, if you let him in his shit, it’ll be funnier. And I said sheet. With two e.”

“Of course,” Hank said with a fake smile.

“Papa!” Elizabeth jumped on the ground then at her father’s waist. “Papa! You should have seen Andy’s head when Conny came to pick me up! It was so funny!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! But most fun of that, we plied at rock, paper, scissors and you know what?”

“What?”

Gavin took his daughter in his arms and go back to his place.

“I win each time!”

“Awesome!!”

How Connor did that?

Connor got up after a quick glance to Felix whom went to his desk. In fact, he used Wilson’s one when this one didn’t use it. He had his own session since this morning so… But he could as well use Connor’s one, especially because the RK800 took Elizabeth’s stuff and came to Gavin’s desk to put it in.

He turned to go back with Hank and Gavin gave a quick look to him. He smiled as his daughter told things and things. In the same time, he looked the homework his daughter has made. It was obvious Connor helped her since he couldn’t see something wrong. Of course, his daughter was smart but she used to have one or two mistakes.

He kissed her head when she started to talk about her lunch. She had French fries with cheese and a salad with tomato sauce pellet so it was good. It was her daddy who paid for her lunch at school and sometime, she was a little guilty but it was so good. And her papa said it was okay and it was easier. Sometimes, she had bread or other things made by her papa. She was always happy. Gavin rose her like that. To be happy with wade live given to them.

 7th December, 19:02

 The door was closed when Gavin entered in his home. He got to the kitchen and his daughter bounced behind him.

“Can I help?”

“Yeah. What would you like to do?”

“Hmm…”

The little girl looked in the refrigerator as the TV was turning on. The emission they always watched was put on. The LP600 was still the main candidate.

She heard her papa’s belly gurgle.

“Pasta’s risotto?” she proposed.

It was something her papa made often since he didn’t have a lot of time to cook. They went home pretty late every time.

“Let’s do this.”

Gavin let her daughter took the ingredients and choose if they’ll do a cheesy recipe or more meaty. He wanted her to be happy and did what he can with that.

Finally, she chose for a fishy and seafood one. Gavin was glad to use the breaded fish and the last gambas he still have in her freezer. That make some place and he could buy new stuff after that.

 “Tadaaam.”

Elizabeth was bright and happy as the meal was over. She put one ladle of pasta in each dish and they went in the sofa, in front of the TV. The game was almost finish and the youngie still needed to wash her, check her homework a last time and she maybe could hope to play a little before go to bed but she didn’t really hoped for that.

“May I taste?”

Elizabeth looked Connor, sit beside her.

“I thought you couldn’t?”

“It was right. I made some upgrade, in fact… Now, I can eat.” Connor smiled. “I wanted to taste your awesome meal. And I’m not disappointed you made a such meal with your papa, then!”

“Oooh!” Elizabeth took her fork and gave it to the Android.

He thanked her and taste. It was particular but… good?

“What can of other upgrade did you make?” Gavin asked.

Now he understood why the bot wanted to stay at Jericho and discuss with the people.

“I… can blush! The regular color for us his blue, to remind the thirium, the blue blood but we can choice the color. I hesitated for the red to look like you and North said I should choose the multicolor’s one but… I choose the blue finally.”

“Awesome!” the little girl smiled. “Blue his great! I love blue!”

She hugged him.

“You’re awesome, Conny!”

“You are,” he said, hugged her back.

Gavin hided a little smile, seeing them together.

[wristic]

Between Earth and Hades (Part 6)

Pairing: Erik X Reader Word Count: 2000 Warning: ( ˘ ³˘)♥

-Part 1- -Part 2- -Part 3- -Part 4- -Part 5- -Part 6-

@breakdaylight @multifandom-slytherin @dulce-sarcasmo @city-of-spooks @kimskew @badbitsh13 @whenimaunicorn @bookswillfindyouaway

Taking a deep breath, you held a hand over your spinning stomach, trying to quell the beating low in your belly, thrumming hard as you realized what you were about to do. It had been a good week of not sleeping. Of babbling on and on to your team who were more ecstatic over going back in the field than your new ability or your dilemma.

You wanted to come forward to Erik now that you had caught a glimpse of just how much he saw in you, that the feelings were in fact returned and not everyone’s imagining or toying with knowing what you felt. All that was left was to get all this tension over with and move toward to… something. And that something was terrifying.

Yet when you stood outside the door to his classroom, a room you once had to sit in to learn history, you fiddled with the buttons of your shirt, asking yourself if you were really going to do this, would he really respond to you, even if he wanted to?

When the door suddenly opened you startled, teens flooding out, some nodding a familiar hello to you. Catching your breath, you peeked in. It hadn’t changed so much, sending a wave of nostalgia to see the rows of desks and his large one always cluttered in the back where he called out kids passing notes. 

The windows had always spilled the perfect lighting to ogle him as he talked away and you’d barely listen. It always gave you an excuse to stay late after class, getting lectured if you wanted to be an X-men you’d need to get better grades. The nostalgia lead you in, skirting quietly around the edge with a small smile even as the memories brought about apprehension, some fear you were about to ruin something dear.

The student chatting with him about extra credit caught you, the redhead growing a mischievous smirk before politely dismissing herself. Watching her go lead Erik to you, him grinning wide to find you, yet you startling again when the door shut.

It didn’t bother Erik any, swiveling in his chair to give you his full attention, looking so relaxed and ready to tease you. It had been quite a long while since you two had met in the classroom.

“Um.” you started, fiddling a little, you kept telling yourself you should go. But it would look so strange now if you did. But would confessing really be worth it if he wasn’t ready, how could he be ready if he didn’t know-

A warm hand fell on your shoulder, bringing you back. Standing before you was Erik’s reassuring smile, a hint of playful concern in his eyes as you looked up at him in a small terror, again simply stuttering, “U-um…” and then looking down whispering, “Okay, okay...” and a finally snapped up your head up and a proclaiming louder than necessary, “WANNA SPARE?”

Scoffing, Erik asked, “What?”

A bit calmer you tried to stumble over your own crappy save, “Would you like to spare? I-I feel like I should with my new ability a-and I’d like to try it against you.”

Erik was so confused, obviously and understandably. You gulped under his interrogative stare before he retracted his hand into a defensive cross of the arms. “You think just because you can see me at a different angle you’ll kick my ass this round?”

Feeling loads better by not admitting your affection, you found your pride, even if he didn’t know it was kicked across the floor into the dust. “There’s only one way to find out.”

Chuckling, he moved around you, “Alright, Scott was being a pain in the ass with his shameless flirting anyway, I could use a decent fight.”

Sighing in both disappointment and relief, you followed him out, letting him start a small conversation involving your friends excitement. Across the hall, the redhead was standing, looking cross with you as soon as you exited.

Really?

Your mouth dropped offended and you screamed in your head, I’m doing my best!

With a smirk she rolled her eyes at you, I have a bet going so do better.

You were thinking more to yourself when you asked, Does everyone in the mansion know?

Yes.

You glared at her until Erik brought you out with a question, having no idea what was going on in your head and your heart. Hell, you didn’t even know what was going on. For some reason your pulse jumped when you entered the locker room to suit up. You kept wracking your brain over and over, what were you doing here, how were you suppose to tell him, why did your brain jump to this instead of a date? What was wrong with you?

He felt the same you reminded yourself, this shouldn’t be that hard.

Stepping out into the large steel room, you didn’t see him, adjusting your glove before the door shut on it’s own. Turning back Erik was leaning against the wall, looking positively devious. He was going to win, he always won.

It was hard not to mirror the attitude, swinging your hip to one side as he walked to you, measuring you up as he closed the distance, “I hope you uncovered something else in that forest, otherwise you’re just asking for a free beating. Maybe I’ll let you get something out of it, place a bet against yourself for a 20?”

“I’ll accept my defeat with a little dignity thank you.” the black spilled from you as you stepped back, slowly creeping out the lights above but not encompassing him. You found in the past putting him in a dome lessened his chances to find you, Hank almost told you why until Erik covered his mouth and explained it would be ‘funnier’ this way.

You took your steps, light as a feather as you rounded in the layer of shadow, closing your eyes and forcing your mind to separate, apparite in the shade of the crow and fly faster around, reaching behind him where you felt him shift. Your moving consciousness seemed to leave its own reverberations, distracting him.

Erik leapt into the shadows, forcing you to move, opening pockets to lose him and summoning the crow on top of you, splitting it so he didn’t know which direction you were taking.

He didn’t fall for the bait, lunging at you, spinning your back to his chest, panting behind you, “So soon? And here I thought you’d put up a fight-”

In a hop, you flipped him over your back, Erik landing with a hard thud. Slipping away through the blacked out maze you giggled, “Fight? I just gotta out last you old man.”

“Old man?” he grunted, rolling back to his feet, “with age comes wisdom.”

Like ghosts, you felt things, shrapnel shifting through the shadows, too quickly for your senses to really process. You felt him moving too but it was clouded, only able to focus for short periods enough to change your direction. The metal littered around you, shifting like a radar to point him in the right direction.

In a breath you stopped running, separating again, but this time you kept it just above you. From there you tried to split it again but it only grew, at the very least encompassing your body and a little more, masking your unmoved position.

You heard his footsteps slow, his breathing catch as his makeshift map was disrupting around an orb much larger than a person or a bird. “Hm. Clever.”

Erik walked into the barrier, your senses were impossibly heightened to the point the air was knocked out of you. It wasn’t just a disturbance, you felt every shift and fiber of his suit, heard his heart beating in your ears and saw the sweat on his skin. Feeling every step touch the ground and twitch of his fingers, the softness of his hair sent shivers through you, his exhale felt down your neck. 

It was too overwhelming, gasping and retracting, all of it. The shadows dispersed from the whole room as you shook your woozy head.

“You alright?” blinking rapidly you came back to Erik, him smirking with a hand out in case you started tipping.

“Yeah it just,” you shook your head again, stumbling until a pair of hands held you up, “whoa that felt weird.”

You both chuckled as you steadied on your feet, feeling oddly cold and numb. When you lifted your still swimming head you were greeted by his gentle smile, his hands still holding you feeling so warm and strong.

“You ready to keep going?”

You thought about it, thought about backing away from his touch, from going to bed knowing the next day would be the same as all the others. Your facade crumbled and your frustrations fell bare, “I-I can’t do this anymore.”

But you couldn’t do this while facing him directly. The shadows engulfed you both, Erik looking around lost before your hands came up to cup his face, bringing him to you.

While your adrenaline had been pretty thick in your veins, it spiked painfully in all your doubt and fear, in the touch of his lips on yours like you imagined thousands and thousands of times, but this was real and so tantalizing to just rest in this moment forever.

Erik was stiff against you, his grip on your arms solid, not pushing you away. As your lips slipped away from his, they tightened more, unsure to keep you, but terrified of you leaving. His sigh shook against your skin, pulling you back into him as the darkness held, blocking everyone and everything from the knowledge of what he wanted to take.

Feeling him take you, kiss you of his own volition sent you dizzy, caving your body against his. You gave a small moan as his hand cupped your neck, tilting his head and deepening the kiss. Your hands ran up and down his side, pulling on his hips, not shying away from all your fantasies not measuring up in the least and taking all the affection he offered, no matter how hesitance drifted to taking you aggressively.

The lights started to sprinkle through as you couldn’t think enough to keep the barrier, and as it hit his eyelids Erik tore himself back.

He was as breathless as you were, running his fingers along his damp lips as he looked anywhere but you.

“Erik…” he turned away but you enveloped him in darkness again, “Please, I’ve been holding onto this for what seems like forever. I know you feel the same way-”

“It’s inappropriate.” he gulped, running a hand up his face. “Even if you are an adult now, you were my student once, it’s the principal of the thing.”

Taking a cautious step to him you tried to reassure him as you’ve always reassured yourself, “Well I happen to know a couple of telepath’s who don’t feel that way.”

He scoffed, “That’s because they’re telepaths, they don’t always see things on the outside.” 

Your hand fell on his wrist, so desperate to hold him. “I know.” At the least he turned to you, rigid as he was to respond. “We can take things however you need to. I just needed you to know, I need for us to react on this in someway, anyway.” Breathing out the pain you added, his kiss and hands still tingling you and swimming in your memory, “You can say we need to drop it entirely if that’s what you want, all I need is to know how you feel.”

Gently his hand came to entwine in your fingers, relaxing in your grip as he turned a little more. You sighed as his other came to grip your chin, hovering so close to your lips you nearly caved to temptation and took the distance. But it needed to be his choice, and the longer he waited, breathing so subtly you thought he might be holding his breath, you felt him retract. “I...” his hands released you, stepping back as he mumbled. “I need to think about this.”

Licking your dry lips you nodded, “Alright.” dispersing the shadows as he walked away.

[hanksterhillingtonexplained-blog]

Big E.T. in Arlen

Let’s start off with my very first video Big E.T. in Arlen. This video actually predates the Hankster Hillington channel, and was originally posted on a very different channel all the back in October of 2014. It never achieved more than a few hundred views, and when I decided to launch the Hankster Hillington channel a few months later, I reposted the video (along with the truly new Hank’s Waifu and You Only Dale Once), and for most people it was a brand new video. The opening joke of this YTP is simply “What if the opening of King of the Hill was boring?”. Basically, rather than having a time-lapse where many things happen, in this version nothing happens other than Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer looking all around. Truly, the pinnacle of clever comedy, I know.

The next joke, and the first proper bit of humor in this YTP begins with Hank exclaiming, “I heard a funny joke the other day.” The idea here is that Hank is reminiscing about the joke he heard, but isn’t going to tell his friends (or the audience) what it was. Really, this scene is just in here to set up the gag of Bill being destroyed by the ball. You think something will happen, but you aren’t sure what, so when Bill goes flying it should come as a big laugh, even if you have seen the real episode before. We see the ball fly past Hank, but it’s on screen for only 3 frames before cutting to Bill getting hit with it. This is quick enough to give the viewer the information they need so that the cut to Bill getting knocked over isn’t abrupt, but still fast enough that it feels instantaneous. Inside we get an assortment of more or less random jokes. We have Bobby lusting over Peggy’s giant breasts, “Warm Bulging Rains”, and Bill being pathetic before getting hit by another ball. There’s not much coherence to any of this. This was well before I started focusing on narrative driven humor, so these things are simply there to be funny without purpose. No more, no less. In the next scene we get our first of many sex jokes. This was well before I was comfortable showing any sort of real nudity in a video, so we have the brightness and coloring turned way down to simulate a dark room instead. It looks visually poor, but I think the dialogue works well despite that - especially  Hank falling asleep instantly after giving up on trying to pleasure Peggy.

“So what do you do? You just flick it?” The “Little Sister” song sequence that follows is nothing more than an excuse to showcase an underrated song I quite like. If there’s any joke here, it’s the unexpectedness of Bobby having a beautiful singing voice, perhaps juxtaposed against him holding a “black power” type fist pose. The scene of Bobby’s head expanding like a balloon before popping is supposed to be a physical manifestation of his ego. When Dale praises him it blows up, but it’s too much for him to handle and he “explodes” - quite literally. Dale sheds two tears here. Two are for Bobby’s beautiful song, and the third is for the death of Bobby himself. The “Joseph d-u-u-u-u-u-d-e” scene that follows is tantamount to filler. I couldn’t think a funnier follow up scene, so I stuck in this trite of Joseph’s vocals repeating quickly when he tries and is unable to correct himself from calling Peggy “dude”. Peggy’s reaction is supposed to be one of annoyance, and she quickly shuts Joseph without saying anything to him, but the whole scene doesn’t play well, and isn’t that funny. Luckily it’s over quick. The “Warm Buldging Rains” scene was supposed to be a little gag along the lines of, the YTP was bleeding into the actual real episode for a moment, before going back to the way it was. Or to put it another way, Big E.T. in Arlen is an alternate reality of the episode “Of Mice and Little Green Men”, and the other reality was peeking through for a moment. The joke doesn’t quite work however, and the typo doesn’t make it any better.

The next scene has a joke I really like. A man comes up to Peggy and asks, “Excuse me, is that seat free?”, and Peggy ever-so-slowly moves her purse into position before slamming it down on the empty chair. It’s unfortunate that the animation is so choppy here, because Peggy being a total bitch (and smiling at the pissed off guy) to a random stranger for basically no reason is pretty funny if you ask me. The cutaway to The Simpsons is a joke I would think twice about doing now. It’s funny as hell, but it feels like a bit of a tonal shift. Still, even if I would think twice about it, I would include a scene like it in a future video if I thought it was funny enough.

“Can you send a 13-year-old flowers?” If you look closely in this scene, you can see that Dale’s pants have some black lines, and a yellow spot on them. Likewise, his shoes have metallic stripes on them as well. The reason for this is because although this Dale was in the perfect pose to put in  this scene, he was partially obscured by some objects above him (he was originally on a mower, I believe) and I simply left those details in and hoped no one would notice. If I were making this video now, I would simply Photoshop those imperfections away, but I was young, naive, and needed the money.  (•﹏•) After a brief scene of more bitch Peggy (”Are you as nervous for Bobby as I am?”) we encounter that weird “Taters” scene that I for the life of me don’t recall how I came up with. It’s as bizarre to me as it is to all of you. I think it my thought process was something along the lines of “Wouldn’t it be funny if Peggy took a picture of Bobby, but it came out all real and grotesque”, and “Then the second time it comes out all real and cute”, but I honestly don’t remember for sure. We then come upon the “Go, Joe, Go!” scene, which isn’t really funny at all. The zoomed in Nancy face I thought was hilarious at the time, but now after having worked on so many YTPs and seeing so many off-model KotH characters, it just comes across as ordinary and boring to me.

So after another groan-worthy “Joe” joke, Dale and Hank get to talking, and Dale admits that Joseph isn’t his sus. This joke probably flew over the heads of most people, but the idea was that Dale calls Joseph his “sus” as a reference to all those older KotH YTPs where everyone would say “sus” and “yay”. Hank doesn’t respond, because he doesn’t understand what Dale means, before Dale corrects himself, by saying “son” instead. Luckily, this is followed up by an always hilarious gasp by Hank as he looks nervously back and forth, with Dale then stating, “Well, I didn’t impregnate Nancy’s pussy. So who did?” The word “pussy” fits so well into that sentence, you’ll almost wonder why it was never there to begin with. Okay, maybe not, but it feels more natural than having a character say “cock” out of nowhere like in some older YTPs. Anyway, the whole point of this scene is to imply (correctly) that Hank had an affair with Nancy and is in fact Joseph's father. Hank pulls the word “spacemen” out of his ass to try and cover his tracks, and Dale ignorantly believes him. Yet somehow Hank is completely right. Joseph is an alien, and he attacks Dale when confronted about this. Personally, I always like to think of Joseph lifting Dale up and breaking his back Bane / Batman style, but you can interpret it however you like. Next is a Big Wolf on Campus parody. I use the term “parody” lightly, as it’s basically just the theme song set to a bunch of clips from King of the Hill. It’s not a parody; it’s an AMV. You wouldn’t be surprised to see Vegeta powering up to Linkin Park at this point. To make matters worse, I didn’t have many episodes to work with at the time, so the clips in the sequence are all mostly from the same episode. It’s boring as hell in my opinion. I’ve never even seen Big Wolf, I just like the song. But unlike the earlier Rufus Wainwright tune, I feel this song was a mistake to include. The only positive that came out of it was Joseph’s scream at the end as he pops up in front of the title card, which I liked enough to keep as the thumbnail.

Some music from South Park plays as Hank enters the hospital. There’s this weird little scene where Hank talks with the receptionist that goes absolutely nowhere. You would be right to assume she’s talking with Dale, based on what happens in the next scene, but considering Dale is on his deathbed, I doubt he has the strength to even use the phone. Dale admits to knowing about Hank’s infidelity, and Hank apologizes before he dies. Hank then oddly smiles and walks away silently upon seeing his best friend die. This isn’t a joke. I just forget to add in footsteps and the sound of the door closing. I probably should’ve edited his face too to make him look more glum about this whole thing. But it turns out that Dale Winchester isn’t actually dead, but is now a demon! We see an extended sequence of fan girls reacting to the Gribble heartthrob dying and being resurrected as an agent of darkness. Personally, I think the whole thing goes on a little too long, but it was hard to trim it down, as it’s all buildup to the final scene where the two girls majorly overreact to Dale’s death. Funny enough, the girl from that finale clip actaully found out about this YouTube Poop and approved of her appearance in it. Who’da thunk it. (If you haven’t figured it out, those are actually reactions to the Supernatural season 9 finale, but with Dale taking the place of Dean who died and became a demon.)

“I don’t like this show anymore.” Dale uses his newfound second chance at life to live out his best Charles Whitman, in probably one of the funniest scenes in the episode. He blows off Bill’s head mid-sentence leaving a peeved Peggy on the other line to ponder Bill’s rudeness in hanging up on her. There aren’t any jokes in this scene. It’s just an excuse for Dale to be badass as he takes on the police and everyone in town. And honestly, I wouldn’t cut it for the world. I love this scene. It’s followed by a weird little snip of one of the Gun Club members saying “The police aren’t trained for this”, followed by them leaving, which seems like it’s going to set up another scene. I wish I could say that I put it in as a red herring so the ending would come as a surprise, but I actually forgot I had it in there, and didn’t remember to resolve the Gun Club subplot. Not that there was any story there to begin with. We then get a scene of Dale killing an unseen hostage (I probably should’ve put her body in a later scene), followed by the police shooting knockout gas at him. Cue shocked reactions from the cast. The idea here was that this would be a Dragon Ball Z-esque moment where all the characters are speechless by Dale’s new form, in which he’s able to withstand the police’s most toxic fumes, and they’re forced to think what they’re feeling instead of stating them aloud. It’s all very silly, but I feel like it works.

“The Dale we knew no longer exists.” Another funny little note... In the scene where the gas canister is shot into the tower, you can see Dale talking to someone, but we can’t hear his words. Perhaps he’s talking to the demon inhabiting his body? Perhaps he’s truly gone crazy? Or perhaps I simply forgot to put dialogue in that scene. It’s up to interpretation, and I think scholars will be debating it for years to come. In the finale, we get Hank slide-whistling his way up to try and talk Dale down. The scene takes itself fairly seriously, which is completely intentional. If there’s even a core of real emotion in this, it’s in this brief moment where the music kicks in, and Hank admits to his wrongdoings. It’s all set up to contrast what comes next. Curiosity gets the best ol’ Robert Hill, and in the ensuing struggle, the gun discharges shooting Hank, and causing him to fall to his death.

Hank’s dead. The end. We don’t get a resolution to the story. Much like life, it simply ends when it ends. I actually play (almost) the entire credits sequence set to  Blue Öyster Cult’s 1976 hit song “Don’t Fear the Reaper” to try to give it the feel like you were watching an actual episode of the show. This includes showing the production cards and 20th Century Fox logo with even a voice-over at the end of Bobby saying “Taters” and Joseph screaming his alien scream to mimic the actual show replaying a quote from the episode at the end. Honestly, I feel now that no one will actually watch the entire credits to the end, and most people will jump to another video or exit, so after this I shorted the credits when I used them before doing away with the idea completely (only bringing it back one last time for Metal Dale.) And that’s it. The first video that kicked off the Hankster Hilington channel you all know and love today. Ye-ep.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 6

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Joe Bob's SummerSchool edition of Monstervision with special guests a blonde Bride of Frankenstein and a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon plus the feature movie "The Surgeon" *The striking black and white intro flashback throws light on what this flick really is. It's a tribute to those 30s/40s/50s mad doctor horror shows, with quirky 1990s  sensibilities laced throughout.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible: Summer Fun --------------

*Psalty: Dramatic kids hang out with a blue, scripture talking song book.*            2 stars

*Bike Safety Rap: Don't skin your knees or risk your life.* 1 star

*Central Florida Hell: Dump elderly dad down where Chi Chi Rodriguez dwells.* 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Boat Trip: Goober Pudding Jr. is not a COCKSUCKER! Horatio Sanz... who knows?* 2 stars

*3 Minute Heavy Metal Summer: Shock rockers, with a heart of gold, versus yuppy prejudice and slimeball business types at a camp/resort.* 3 stars

*Acting with Tom Hanks: Swimsuit models wanna make their silly dreams come true.* 2 stars

*Conceal and Carry: Speed, women, fanny pack!* 3 stars

*Kidz Conquer Mexico: Another culture exploited by brats.* 2 1/2 stars

*Message in a Cell Phone: Crack the code and get Chad's dad out of prison.*  3 stars

*Birthdays Faith First: Father Tim loves his birthday and Uncle Sam.*                 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Beach Fever: Kato Kaelin and Jacki Chan enjoy the fruits of rabor.*   2 1/2 stars

======================================================

I'm Alan Partridge: I Know What Alan Did Last Summer *Dodging the tax man.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Day After" --1983-- *"World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones."* 3 stars

The Twilight Zone: The Midnight Sun *Fever dream.* 3 stars

Heart She Holler: Klansgender Rights *We're all the same underneath a clean, white sheet.* 2 stars

Squidbillies: Granny Hot Foot *Happier than a pig, in shit, who just won the Daytona 500.* 2 1/2 stars

Adult Swim --infomercials-- In Search of the Miracle Man *Interviewing people on the street about their love for a yet to be seen super guru and asking them how often they masturbate, plus keeping a close watch on a sunbathing beauty, in case the guru shows up there. Add in a sing along, act unfunny along, self aware studio audience for even less laughs. A guy from Mighty Boosh and Snuff Box (Rich Fulcher) and a guy from Upright Citizens Brigade and Crossballs (Matt Besser), along with another recognizable face from the Sarah Silverman Show, can all do better and funnier in 12 minutes. Drunk History for example.* 1 star

Freddy's Nightmares: Rebel Without A Car -----

*A mullet-motor-head thinks a cursed muscle-car is his ticket out of Springwood, but maybe he should have taken his girl's advice and sought a smarter path.* 2 1/2 stars

*A girl, from the wrong side of the tracks, gets accepted to be a Cinderella slave for snobbish sorrority sisters, during hellish hazing, where they hope to put her on the road.Instead, she turns Carrie, on the cunts, and burns the house to the ground.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------

Swamp Thing: Falco *"Nature is a maniac!" That's pretty existential for a falcon unwillingly turned half human by the arrogant Arcane. Overly dramatic and unintentionally funny.*       3 stars

Jonny Quest: Treasure of the Temple *Masterfully animated Mayan adventure.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Night Strangler *Gritty Civil War era alchemy, and a Victorian Era style Jack the Ripper killer, in the dark alleys and underground of a Pacific Northwest seaport town.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond --Halloween special-- -2014- =====================

*The Victim's Family - Have A Nice Day (music video): Skeletal puppets kick your face in and tell you to enjoy your shitty job and life.* close to 3 stars

*Fulfilled, A Halloween Story: A modern Lovecraftian tragic figure refuses to join in on the pop culture / commercial celebrations of Halloween and instead chooses to spend All Hallow's Eve, and possibly eternity, in the Twilight Zone.* close to 3 stars

*Trailer for Dario Argento's "Creepers": 3 stars

*Vintage WXXA cHANNEL 23 - Halloween movie marathon commercial for their movie lineup including 'An American Werewolf in London', 'House', 'Videodrome', 'Psycho 3': 3 stars

*"Horror of the Zombies" 1973: A millionaire, a money hungry mercenary type, and an agency of modeling get involved in a publicity stunt that would leave some models stranded in a boat on the sea. However, they all wind up in some interdimensional fog and end up boarding a ghost-ship where the blind monks of Mestophilles roam.* 2 stars

*Monster Rally Movie: Advertisement for an old horror host Channel 4 show.*   3 stars

*Pumpkin Madness 2: Ordinary pumpkins let loose destructive behavior.*           2 1/2 stars

*Animation in the style of Superjail or the video for Paranoid Android by Mariola Brillowska.* 3 stars

*Phantasm's 'The Tall Man' promotes Fangoria magazine.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fleishcher Studios- Superman - The Mummy Strikes.* 3 stars

*A Republic Pictures serial - The Crimson Ghost - Atomic Peril: A criminal mastermimd is so determined to get his hands on a device that will bring the world's electrical will to its knees, that he's willing to prevent its use in bringing the Cold War to a close.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fight the monster of pay and or cable tv in an awesome retro anti-cable tv advertisement shown to a paying movie theater audience.* 3 stars

======================================================

Star Wars Rebels: Rise of the Old Masters *A Sith inquisitor lures roam Jedi to their doom, using the bones of a Jedi Master.the Empire is putting out false distress signals saying that the master is alive and in need of a prison escape rescue.* 3 stars

TMNT: The Croaking *After watching Thundarr the Barbarian, Mikey spazzes out and destroys the farmhouse. When scolded, flees to the forest where he encounters Napoleon Bonafrog (voiced by Napoleon Dynamite) who happens to be the outcast of his own tree-frog human-hating society.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible --Halloween Bonus-- --2012--   =========================

*Cosby Nightmarez: Bill takes a break from drugging women to have his own bad dream.* 3 stars

*Tim Curry Halloween Song: A crooning wizard makes the witches howl.* 3 stars

*Vincent Price: An elderly icon shills 3D film cameras.* 2 stars

*3 Minute Grandpa is a Vampire: Grandpa Munster hangs out with his radical 90s grandson and his grandson's friend while grandma tries to cheat on him and put a stake thru his old heart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Boogie Bonez: "Knick Knack Paddywhack"* 3 stars

*Death Spa: Don't let an exorcist hacker control your electronic gym, if you're a cheating ex and give memberships to jerk yuppies.* 3 stars

*Halloween Propaganda: "Every Halloween, children are dying."* 3 stars

*Lovely Little Monster: Anne Rice chick hip hop. Dance routine sign language. Rick James voodoo zombie. Bathsalt freakout Twilight romance.* 3 stars

*Pops Ghostly: A Casper family man vents on his family's hellcat home invasion frustration.* 2 1/2 stars

*Punkinman: The Bob Villa (this old house) / Bob Ross (happy clouds painter) of stickin' it in a pumpkin and getting the best out.* 2 1/2 stars

*Zombie Workout: Spunky Linnea Quigley criticizes the falling apart shape of the undead and has them working out their rotten flesh.* close to 3 stars

*3 Minute Ghosthouse: A Back to the Future Michael J. Fox wannabe look-a-like goes up against some zany frighteners.* 3 stars

======================================================================

Z Nation: Doctor of the Dead *Not much soap opera for a zombie series finale, mostly just zombie stuff. A shadowy scientist running around globally, pre zombie outbreak, conducting gruesome, and unknown for purposes, field experiments. Creepy CDC style medical lab, in Colorado, filled with zombie testing gone wrong. Tiny Asian chick is dying but comes back as a kung fu z with Alice from Resident Evil maneuvers (not a big fan of that). Cameo from the doomed lovers to show they'll be back next season (Oh, great... yawn). And a big finish cliffhanger with Murphy "shedding his skin" (could be creepy and great) and running off leaving everyone else, including Citizen Z at the North Pole, to stare dumbly at their impending demise which is nuclear missiles dropping in to say hi.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 14 "My Guests Are Mannequins" ---------------

*Antonio, Tone Loc's cousin, volunteers to help park rangers clean the roadkill off of a bridge that a Chupacabra lives under.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*A 'You Betcha' cocktail waitress serves cheeze and ritz crackers to a honky's stuffy mannequin party guests and is scared to refuse his offer to "Party Forever" with him.* 3 stars

*A crematorium trainee turns white as a ghost, and he was black to begin with, when he flips the flame switch and a woman's husband pops out still alive just crispy.* 3 stars

==============================================================

X Files: Conduit *Alien abductee or possible runaway of ill-refute and her baby brother who can read into the matrix.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi presents American Gothic: Pilot Episode *What if Sheriff Andy Taylor were a controlling psycho who'd go as far as framing his own deputy, Barney, for murder, and what if Opie had a William Faulkner and Ambrose Bierce childhood...?* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Wraith" (Summer School Session - Driver's Education with the author of the NYC cab driver joke book) *It was inevitable that the spirit of the American Highway would be symbolized by a fiery car crash.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Caught in the Act *A college virgin, Alyssa Milano, gives the worst case of blue balls, until an alien parasite turns her into a raging nympho succubus.* 2 stars slipping towards      1 1/2 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 11 *A nice, retired, Queens NY lady needed the Penn State crew and a noted medium, in demons, to tell her to stop trying to contact the dead through the use of evp.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: The Burglary *The couple get a little too greedy, themselves, after their old stuff gets stolen and they have to replace it with all new stuff.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: A, B, and C *Number 6 continues to be defiant, even in his dreams. Dreams that The Village is now determined to surveillance.* 3 stars

Mike Tyson Mysteries: Is Magic Real? *Mike is the only non skeptic concerning Mexican leprechauns.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Dong of the Dead *Two words... butt auditions.* 3 stars

Ken Russell's "Crimes of Passion" *It's sleazy Charles Bukowski meets Russ Meyer. Kathleen Turner is a Gloria Steinem behind a glory hole. Anthony Perkins is like a Jerry Falwell who jerks off to crime scene photos of the Black Dahlia. And John Laughlin is Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor who can't get his jackhammer plugged into a hot electrical outlet.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Can World War 3 Be An Attitude? *"You're okay. I'm okay. We're okay. Okay?"* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Security Systems *A way ahead of its time investigative look at security organizations (*cough* the N.S.A. *cough*) and how complete access to so much information, personal and otherwise, can only lead to that kind of knowledge being abusively used.*   3 stars

South Park: Cock Magic *Magic the Gathering greater than girls volleyball.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Bloodbath" *From the head to the legs. From the body to the mind.* 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Time Machine" 1960 *Joe Bob and Rusty the mail girl demonstrate worm hole theory using a dirty bedsheet and a bowling ball. Meanwhile, Rod Taylor zips from turn of the 20th century England to thousands of years in the future where angelic, naive youth live in a garden of eden paradise as cattle for cavern dwelling commie cannibals.* 3 stars

Farscape: Til the Blood Runs Clear *Being the 'big dog' with a pair of Beavis & Butthead moron bloodhound bounty hunters, and getting ripped off at a spacecraft repair shop ran by a Roseanne type.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Wizard Wars *The cybernetic oversized head of a warlock Fred Flinstone uses hypnotized sandpeople as slaves to lay siege on another magician's desert stronghold.*     3 stars

Tosh.0 -Who Shot Black Santa? -2014 *The greatest Christmas present is hot cocoa served with love.* 2 1/2 stars

SyFy presents "End of the World" 2014 *Generic doomsday movie junkies, who work at a videostore, must break a scientist (Brad Dourif) out of the nuthouse so that he can help them save the world from being destroyed by a heliosphere.* 1 1/2 stars for aesthetics and special fx 2 stars for plot and characters and 2 1/2 stars for oddly humorous moments like hicks with guns getting in the way of nerds that are mankind's only hope, and randomly timed deaths

Tru Tv presents: World's Smartest Inventions 11 *Using robots for end of life care. No shame in hanging from a tree, on a hiking trail, and pooping, or standing on a sidewalk and pissing out the bottom of pant legs using a tube. Or having a doctor recommend to "ice the balls" in order to conceive, so a guy runs out and invents chilled underwear.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Christmas Bonus-- 2012 --------------------------

*Snowdogs vs. Chillydogs: They're basically the same movie, give or take a few minor differences.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hanukkah Homeboy: "Don't noodge me."* 2 1/2 stars

*Celebrity Guide to X-Mas: Ed Begley Jr. can't relax his environmental beliefs in order to not ruin Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Dr. Christmas: Artificial tree tips for a superficial Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Gerbert Christmas Wish: A muppet's melancholy holiday.* 2 1/2 stars

*Holiday Showtime: Branson, Missouri is holiday purgatory.* 3 stars

*Jingle Cats: Make a joyful noise unto the Lord.* 3 stars

*Lawrence Welk Holiday Song: From now on our troubles will be miles awayayayaya.* 2 stars

*Natural Professional Tree: Step back and check for a natural appearance.*      2 stars

*Visit with Santa: Santa Q & A with dumb kids.* 3 stars

*Brent the Christmas Bear: Marvin Gaye gaiety.* 3 stars

*Glitter n Gold: A plea for puppet peace and relationship harmony.* 3 stars

*Kathy Lee Hip Hop: Horrid.* 1 star

*2 Minute Parental Guidance: Deck the halls and shake dat ass.* 3 stars

*Reggae Deck the Halls: Farmyard follalollalah.* 2 1/2 stars

*Santa with Muscles: Scrooge Ed Begley Jr. wants to close down the orphanage and exploit the kids as elf miners, but not if amnesiac, department store Santa Hulk Hogan has anything to say about it.* 2 1/2 stars

*X-Mas Nightmare 2012: Santa can't be asked to do the impossible, like alleviating the cynicism that comes with adulthood.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fuck Christmas: A humble shoemaker has had it up to here with the holidays, in this heartwarming tale.* 3 stars

*Chipper's X-Mas Adventure: A chipmunk goes crazy when his treehome is chopped down by joyous honkys.* 3 stars

*E.T. Porno: Smell E.T.'s finger.* 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Freddy's Nightmares: The Bride Wore Red *A groom's cold feet get raked over hot coals. Also, rappin' Freddy.* 2 stars *For the bride with daddy issues, divorce is a fate worse than death.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Thing from the Grave *A lesson about not getting in between a no-nonsense, jealous boyfriend with a short-fuse (Miguel Ferrer) and his prized piece of cooze (Teri Garr). That is unless one has a charm necklace that can bring a vengeful corpse back from its shallow grave.* 3 stars

"Mirror Mirror" -1991- *A shy ugly duckling begins to flower when she embraces her dark reflection.*   3 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "I Am Anne Frank" *Auschwitz. Axe murder. Aversion therapy. Amputee monstrosity. Acceptance of guilt. Absentee motherhood. Alcoholic relapse. Alien abduction. Alma's alive!*  3 stars

Lars Von Trier's "Melancholia" *3 stars for gorgeously moody photography and score. 2 1/2 stars for symbolism (melancholia is here to stay). 2 stars for rogue planet collision apocalypse scenario. 1 1/2 stars for insufferable characters (mopey rich women). 1 star for pretentiousness 1/2 a star for snail pacing (2 hours felt like 5 hours). zero stars for jerky handheld camerwork

Gargoyles: Enter MacBeth *Another MacBeth who likes to do things on his own turf, and yet again all because of a lady.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 5 *"The birds have scales and the fish take wing."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 12 *A psychic can't get her stories straight when it comes to a former schoolhouse's spirits. Credit to the Penn State crew for seeing through her b.s.* 2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voyage Home *On the first manned mission to mars, a space bug is snagged, and one giant step for mankind turns into a suicidal leap.* 2 1/2 stars

Scare Tactics: The Chef Cooks a Human --------------

*Safe installation turns out to be a safe cracking burglary.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rear Window scenario where peeping at a neighbor who is an escort loses its thrill when she stabs an abusive client and informs her big heavy pimp that there are witnesses to the crime.* 2 1/2 stars

*Finding a ring in the hamburger meat and a bloody, armless dude in the freezer.* 3 stars

*Parents meet their teenage son's new girlfriend and find out she's already pregnant, but only it's from an alien, not the teenage son.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Russell Mulcahy's "The Shadow" -1994- *Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Alec Baldwin knows.*   between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: From Beyond the Grave *"See the ship, hear it speak from deep down in the hold." Lyrics from a song sang by Jim's dead grandma. Words directing Jim, and his mom, to granny's last will and testament, hidden, in the swamp, so that Arcane can't take possession of her property and pollute and further exploit it.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: -season 1 -episode 4 *Dream perchance debenture.* 2 1/2 stars

"Slipstream" *A loveable scoundrel (Bill Paxton) steals away a messiah-like android, from a hardline bountyhunter (Mark Hammil), on a journey across a windswept wasteland in a post-cataclysm story filled with hot air balloons, small airplanes, and eccentric nomads.* 2 1/2 stars

Christmas with Rifftrax: Santa's Village of Madness / K. Gordan Murray shorts *Never has the mythology of Saint Nick been more mucked with.*                      2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Jonny Quest: Werewolf of the Timberland *Gold smuggling lumberjacks in the French Canadian forest.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Shopping *"Cheese of the week." The convenient inconvenience of supermarkets.*          3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Alan Wide Shut *"Hot floppy bread." Needless to say, Alan had the last laugh. Now, fuck off!.*     3 stars

True Life: I Want Respect For My Sect *A Juggalo bride's parents opt out of their daughter's Juggalo themed wedding. Pretentious vampires, in the pretentious Texas city of Austin, have a coming out party in order to gain new members and understanding. A cute 18 year old "furry" seems genuinely happy to have her parents acceptance at being able to attend her first convention.* 2 stars

Ghost Adventures: Dungeons & Demons *"Something just grabbed my ass!" The three bros travel to some of the world's most tainted holes.* 2 stars

Adventure Time: Holly Jolly Secrets *Deciphering the Ice King's weirdo home movies becomes a holiday tradition.*   2 stars

Farscape: Rhapsody in Blue *Madness is the mind's co-pilot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: The Jersey Devil *Naked Neanderthals on the outskirts of Atlantic City.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond: Kneel Before the Future ----------------------

*D.O.A. - Behind the Smile: Things are looking bright for election 2016.* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo trips and falls heading out to the wasteland.* 2 stars

*Ninja Force, the Mission: Bacon jitsu vs. cheese.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Silverball Heroes versus Video Invaders in Arcade Attack* 3 stars

*Lobo in the wasteland sponsored by...* 2 1/2 stars

*A vintage trailer for Terminal City Ricochet.* 3 stars

*-984- Prisoner of the Future: Detained to desolation.* 3 stars

*Lobo thirsts and pines in the wasteland.* 3 stars

*Intimate Secrets - Secrets that have to be told - 1 900 - adults only - $2.00 per minute* 3 stars

*iBraineater - Modern Man (music video)* 3 stars

*JacMac & RadBoy GO!: Wow, did Mike Judge rip this off?* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo finds ThunderDome covered in feces.* 3 stars

*Robotistory: A video history of robots in pop culture entertainment.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo wants to go back home to his bunker.* 2 stars

*Max Fleischer's Superman - The Mechanical Monsters* 3 stars

*Vintage 1990 Live Psychic Readings commercial that's in the style of the X-Files intro. Eerie nostalgia.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost - Chapter 2 - Thunderbolt: Death ray escape debacle.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tex Avery's Jerky Turkey: Skipped. already viewed and reviewed

*Lobo has a biohazard demise.* 2 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Sacrifice *"Money, pussy, and bullshit." Also a few cussing parrots and a sleazy & kinky Michael Ironside.* 3 stars

"Howling 4, the Original Nightmare" *A novelist, with a vivid imagination, would rather chase the ghost of a nun, hangout with a lesbian ex-nun and search for clues to a legend of a werewolf church burning, and listen to howls on the wind in the night than have sex with her feathered-hair-do, five o'clock shadow bearded bohunk cheating husband.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Tupperware Party Massacre" *Avon culling. Chubby Chaser. Liquored lobster. Lingering Ethel. Privileged killer. Suicide letter. Shamelessly long pecker. Playing doctor. Tearjerker. Siamese threeway  offer rejection. Jimmy sober and smitten. Framejob bloody mitten.* 2 1/2 to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: The Great Montarro *Sarcophagus artifice.* 3 stars

"Dragonslayer" 1981 *Not the sorcerer that we want right now, but the sorcerer that we need. The lottery where the winner gets spit-roasted by Smaug has to be the absolute worst. There may have never been more themes of gender inequality, social-political injustice, and the transition between Paganism and Christianity ever before in a Sword & Sorcery flick.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 13 *Cursed and mice infested piano for free on Craigslist.* 2 to 1 1/2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Trick or Treat *"the misery of eternal non-existence"* 2 1/2 stars

"Loose Shoes" -1980- ---------------------------------------------------

*The Howard Huge Story: "His hobby was watching planes fuck."* 3 stars

*Skateboarders From Hell: "Lock up your sons and daughters."* 3 stars

*The Invasion of the Penis Snatchers: "Coming at you in 3-D!"* 3 stars

*Three Chairs For Lefty: Bill Murray on death row.* 3 stars

*The Sneaker: Woody Allen parody.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Magic and Mystery of the Gobi* 3 stars

*Buddy Hackett on behalf of this nation's bed-wetters* 3 stars

*Don't forget organic chocolate covered beanettes.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ditch your kids at the matinee.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Shaggy Studio Chief plus the Calf Who Thought She Was A Chicken*       2 stars

*The Bad News Bares in Getting Laid* 3 stars

*A Visit With Ma and Pa: Ma and Pa take a talking pig to New York City* 3 stars

*The Birth of a Nation, parody* 2 1/2 stars

*The Kid and the Yid. Charlie the bum was a hebrew commie jew* 3 stars

*The Ballerina Is Dead in "Scuffed Shoes"* 2 1/2 stars

*Just a Run in the Sun: Cynical and funny war tragedy story.* 3 stars

*Fistful of Something: Sid Haig in a Spaghetti Western spoof.* 3 stars

*Welcome to Bacon County: Hicksploitation hilarity.* 3 stars

*That's Sexploitation! Under 18 must sneak in.* 3 stars

*The Return of the Pom Pom Boys: Sex comedy with a twist. This time it's the guys who are getting exploited.* 3 stars

*Billy Jerk Goes To Oz: Sticking up for the little man.* 3 stars

*Darktown After Dark: The first all black musical.* 3 stars

*Star (of David) Wars* 2 1/2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 20 "Weirdo in the Haunted House" ----------

*Taking high school chemistry doesn't make one a chemist, especially evident when green goop, accidentally poured down the sink, by said non-chemist, comes gushing through the ceiling, doors, cracks, vents, and walls.* 3 stars

*Almost torched alive, in a van, by a psycho hitchhiker.* 3 stars

*Stripper audition interrupted by a jealous, meathead boyfriend who likes to throw guys out of windows.* 2 1/2 stars

*A closed down haunted house attraction, and former crime scene, has an uninvited guest who doesn't want to be disturbed.* 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Phantasm 4, Oblivion" *On the other side of morning.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: War *Network 23's poodle and pony show has the advertising bulls and bears instead hitching up to the war hysteria for profit media wagon.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The New Breed *Nanobots don't know when to stop. They turn a terminally ill man into a Frankenstein's monster of evolution.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Do Dreams Bleed? *The lingering trauma of having witnessed a brutal slaying.* 2 1/2 stars *Intimate personal closeness with a possible deranged killer can play foul with the mind.* 2 stars

"The Blair Witch Project" *"We're still alive because we got cigarettes, and we're smoking." Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians have a Deliverance weekend where they get choked in the shallow waters before they get too deep. The grunge era Autumn setting, lost in the woods paranoia, and low fi minimalist creative use of limited fx (stick figures and bundles of sticks with bloody body parts along with the noises and the spooky house) make up for the film students arguing in the middle of nowhere with a shaking camera nonsense that takes place for more than half of the film.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: Shadows *Mulder: *whispering* psycho-kinetic-manipulation / Scully: *amused* You mean like Carrie at the prom? --- Turns out it was a Ghost versus some terrorists and a jerk boss. Also, a missed opportunity to have Patrick Swayze as a guest star on the X Files.* 2 1/2 stars

"Alice Sweet Alice" -1977- *Impolite middle class Catholic society, cruel aunts, spoiled siblings, flamboyantly slobbish perverts, snap to judgement child psychologists, and pinch faced old church women with religious hangups are all worse than slightly odd and so called out of control tweens. Also, it's a shame that Brooke Shields' name is at the top of the movie's poster. She's barely in it, and the other little girl along with the rest of the cast are the soul of the movie.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girls Town *Scat and slang.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars with riffing,                                between 1 1/2 & 2 stars without

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night: To The Limit *"Anna Nicole Smith gives retired, Texas strippers a bad name."                      Joe Bob Briggs* between 1 and 1 1/2 stars for this heavy edited softcore stinker

Weird Science: She's Alive *"a scathing indictment of a braindead, sexist MTV generation" 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Phantom Cab *The Midnight Society start out by having a pair of lost Hansel & Hansel brothers putting a hole in a barrel out in the Canadian forest with a reject teacher from Hogwarts.* 3 stars

American Gothic: A Tree Grows In Trinity *Let Heaven and nature sting.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa 1996(?) *"Who's the champ -NOW- champ?" Tom strangely bothers teachers on strike, concert goers, drugists, mall shoppers, poor fishermen, and former bowling league champions. He also  plays footsie with a dating service lady.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Pilot Episode *Sometimes one must cut off a finger in order to save a hand, and sometimes one must hang himself in order to get off. Inner strength incapacitates ignorance.* 3 stars

"Country Hooker" *In the tune of a CB radio listenin' truck drivin' country western croon, "Doin' what they damn well please..." That is until their demented Tennessee Ernie Ford -esque pimpdaddy finds out. There are some freaks in this flick, and I don't mean the tricks, it's the johns and the honky tonk patrons.* 2 1/2 stars

"Christmas Evil" aka "You Better Watch Out" *If it's not a Jolly Dream, it's not worth having.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Village of the Giants *These days, kids are getting too big for their britches. Of course, I'm talking about a Mousketeer, Opie, the kid from The Rifleman, and Beau Bridges.*         3 stars with riffing or 2 stars without

Tales from the Crypt: For Cryin' Out Loud *A real high pitched squealer with a weasel, rock promoter whose clients like Iggy Pop and Donny Osmond get on his nerves, a seductress blackmailer Katey Sagal trying to reach in his pants to snatch half of a million smackers, and an angry voice of reason Sam Kinison screaming his tell tell heart out constantly.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

New World Pictures "Candy Stripe Nurses" 1974 *A socially conscious skin-flick with sophisticated modern women who are smarter than the bohunks they seduce, Gran Torino type bitter old men griping about the decline of their local neighborhoods, commentary on a flawed justice system for minorities, student athlete doping controversy, medical malpractice issuing of needless prescriptions scandal, sexually repressed and spoiled rockstar, seventees era streaking, existential conversations while flirting, and just enough hospital setting hanky panky.* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Bitchcraft" *The part where Darren walked in on Tabitha going down on Elvira while Melissa Joan Hart cut herself with a razor blade for attention and the cast of Designing Women boiled that poor black guy (Meshach Taylor) alive in a caldron... hocus whoa...cus* 2 1/2 stars

Doctor Who (fourth doctor) "Pyramid of Mars" *Imprisoned ancient gods are always showing up in the isolated British countryside and killing 3 or 4 old men in their plot to destroy the world. Thanks to the Doctor, nobody else in the world ever notices.* 2 1/2 stars

TMNT: Mazes & Mutants *A lonely live action roleplayer gasses the turtles so that he can play a game with them in the sewers.* 2 1/2 stars

He-Man & She-Ra, A Christmas Special *Horde Prime wishes to stop Orko and two adorable Earth children from bringing the gospel of Chris Cringle to Eternia. Special guests the Smurf Transformers, the Eternian Decepticons, the Little Mermaid, and Skeletor's heart grew 3 sizes that day.* 2 1/2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Pinball Wizard *Super-soaker, now that's playing with power. A compulsive free play gamer gets trapped in the mall, inside a pinball machine, with a princess in distress, and is Sixpence None the Richer for it.*  between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Shipment *Arcane corrupts the local law enforcement into mutant trafficking and the crooked Sheriff helps kidnap Jim, fake Jim's death, and ship Jim off to South America. We finally get to see Swamp Thing show some physical muscle in a brawl with a stunt man and it's revealed what had to be painfully obvious all along, that the town had to have a corrupt police force in order for Arcane to be doing so many vile things without it coming to legal light.* 3 stars

"Neon City" 1991 *A disgruntled, former lawman (Michael Ironside) begrudgingly runs protection for a RV stagecoach of ragtag wayfarers across the cursed earth.* 2 1/2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Message *Binary E.T. S.O.S. for a deaf woman with a defective ear implant and new mother depression along with voices in her head making the domestic partner daddy think she's schizoid because she runs off with a looney janitor / UFO believer.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Warlock the Armageddon *Runes and Druids. Smalltown fear and hatred of devil worship. Two young should destined to be lovers who are kept apart by ignorance and circumstance. Parents of the picturesque smalltown trying to protect a dark secret. Some horribly dated CGI (forgivable). Nice and twistedly gruesome gore fx to make up for the bad CGI. A charismatic villain (Julian Sands) who is just as good as Marvel's Loki (Tom Hiddleston).* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 14 *In a house that was once a part of the underground railroad, there's a clash of values between a modern inter-racial family and a strict religious spirit of a lady who was an abolitionist.* 2 stars

"Home for the Holidays" 1972 *"There's nothing more chilling than a warm family gathering." An And Then There Were None style story at a stormy, secluded setting where the more stable sibling is the most sinister.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

--- Freddy's Nightmares: The End of the World

*Hazy earliest memories are repressed because they involve accidentally killing mommy and crippling a childhood friend, but a girl discovers she can dream things differently and it will fix the present. But unfortunately, there's a butterfly effect.* 2 1/2 stars

*The same girl, from before, is now having prophetic dreams of a nuclear warhead going off on U.S. soil. The C.I.A. is extra curious as to how she got launch codes, and once they figure out she's not fooling or getting tipped off from the inside, well they want to exploit her in their cold war pursuits, while she just wants to make sure that a disturbed sleepwalking missile defense employee doesn't make his Christmas nightmares of melting his son's favorite cartoon character Gumby's face off along with his own son's innocent face as well come true.* 3 stars

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"Class of 1984" *An irresponsible idiot subjects his pregnant wife to a brutal gang rape and torture all because he wants to be an inspirational music educator at one of those imaginary innercity hell highschools where he can't help but feud with the worst gang in a school that has its disciplinary hands tied with the usual red tape bullshit. This was way before zero tolerance. When teach has to turn vigilante just to earn 30k a year, a mild mannered biology professor (Roddy McDowall) has to hold a gun on his pupils just to get their focus on his lessons, and a timid tattle tell (Michael J. Fox) winds up shanked in the liver, just to name a few things, there might be good reason to move back to a smalltown or the suburbs and spare the rod.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Fists of the White Lotus *White Lotus can't be touched because he fights hammer style. A lesson about a gentle approach and pinpointing the right pulse.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 episode 22 "Mom's Crazy" -------------

*Little grey men nick around a ranch house near area 51.*                      between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Falling into a wanted by the government hacker's booby trap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Having a nice evening with a psycho park ranger.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mommie dearest keeps her abducted little girl in a cage.* 3 stars

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"Ultra Flesh" 1980 *Sugar (cocaine?) is making the world's men impotent and the President of the United States pays a visit to a third world dictator (Jamie Gillis) whose people seem to have no problem snorting and screwing. Secretly, however, the dictator is a Mr. Freeze type alien who uses his dwarf henchmen to plot against the earth women. An intergalactic group of horny aliens send down Ultra Flesh, a vixen from Venus, to shoot laser beams out of her poonanny and help earth propagate again.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: Free For All *Who are you voting for? Which puppet candidate will it be? "You wouldn't deny the rite of proper procedure?"* 3 stars

New World Pictures presents Larry Cohen's "God Told Me To" --1976-- *Urban upheaval caused by a lot of gristle in the melting pot. The doggedly determined forced by personal convictions that are of soul tearing origins. The easily swayed are proned to random acts of violence. The new age fortunate are full of fallacy with their fancy notions. And the pitiful and holy are just as much victims as they inadvertently victimize others in their own inability to face up to the burden of consequences that come with cruel circumstance.* 3 stars

X Files: Ghost in the Machine *Interfacing Promethean resistively. The machine is dead. Long live the machine.* 2 1/2 stars

"Silent Night, Bloody Night" --1972-- *A season of violence come to bare its withered, ugly fruit. The sepia soaked orgy of murder by the mental patients along with the undertones of incest, then father assuming the identity of his dead daughter, whom he fathered a child with, is all rather haunting/disturbing.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 15 *The spirit of a war veteran still haunts the barn where he committed suicide after a alzheimer's diagnosis. So, the team brings in an army honor guard to have a memorial service where a piece of his skull was buried, by his wife, on the property. Also, a little boy, from before the middle of the 20th century, who died of the croop, on the property, is sensed as just a mischevious spirit by medium Chip Coffey.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Open House" *Squint and bite down. There will be no sale. These spirits won't be built over, smothered out, skull fucked, love requited, or made to polish their own silver again.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Twilight Zone the movie *John Landis does okay thanks to the tragically killed Vic Morrow . Spielberg can only do schmaltzy Spielberg. Joe Dante puts some thrilling touches on a classic. Lithgow trumps Shatner in the freakout department, but none of these outings are as good as Rod Serling and the original.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Holiday Special-- -2012- *"He sees you eat your pizza. He sees you eat your pizza."* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Four-Sided Triangle *The sour couple from the Grant Wood American Gothic painting think they can hold captive a farmgirl to do all their chores. And Patricia Arquette is sure purty enough to make the crops grow. But the farmer's horny ignorance coupled with his wife's jealous mean streak are no match for the cow milking maiden's cleverness.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa the late 1990s *Somewhere between Andy Kaufman and the geek who bites the heads off chickens at the county fair.* close to 2 1/2 stars

William Peter Blatty's "The Ninth Configuration" --1980-- *"Consider the lillies of the field."* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Double Jeopardy *"You figure that you're owed something for all the love and compassion that you carry in you..." A liberal cop comes face to face with the harsh reflection of reality in an oily mudpuddle on the other side of the rainbow. One of many storyline elements including Dan Hedaya as a dirty cop who turns out surprisingly to be easily deeply sympathetic for.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back *A model murdered by crossbow. Was it the amateur necromancer, the hip richboy, the confrontational preacher, the quiet abuser, the German pervert, or the nervous pornographer? If the dead girl can't tell us, we'll never know. Detective work depends on kooky science and no forensic nonsense.*             2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"The Conjuring" --2013-- *It's surprising to learn that famed demonologists The Warrens were actually selfless truthseekers and not the scam artists they were proven to be.*        close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Dreadful Doll *Witchdoctor Beavis working for a mercenary Fred Flintstone.* 2 1/2 stars

"Phase IV" --1974-- *The perceived terror of a terrrestrial advancement not our own.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: I Robot *What is the value of conceived worth? Adam Link, the first sentient robot, has an amount of quality, as relating to empathy, greater than most humans.*         3 stars

South Park: #Rehash *Commentary and clit rubbing, both by obnoxious social media celebrities, is the entertainment content of the future.* 3 stars

South Park: #Happy Holograms *The most ignorant Christas special ever is now trending.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Birth Marks *Kari Wuhrer joins the cast as a test tube teen, and Jim's older brother -Will- becomes the central character as ST's link to the human world.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rewind This" --2013-- *"Don't let your mom tell you that you can't make a monster movie." *quoting* a door to door monster movie salesman and the self proclaimed Ed Wood of the 21st century. That pretty much sums up the 30 plus year culture, that became a cult, of video.* 3 stars

"Forced Entry" --1974-- *One of the first movies to deal with post traumatic stress disorder also happens to be a gritty 1970s NYC serial killer study mixed with a sleazy 42nd street rough porno. This is when skin flicks tried to be film art and this one is bold enough to juxtapose a home invasion sicko's forced oral money shot with scenes of burning Vietnamese villages and crying villagers.*                       either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Dead Ringers" *One never has to feel alone what with shared life experiences, sexual opponents, the psychic connection between siblings, or the prescribed lifeline of addiction.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Universal Remote *Skipping through the boring parts of life just to hurry up and get to second base with girls.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Awesome Show- Great Job! ---Chrimbus Special--- -2010- *"The Winter Man wants you to eat a pound of hair per year."*                     close to 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: The Holiday *Hijacked hip hip hooray.* 3 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Battle of the Barbarians *Big barbarians in little Beijing.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 -episode 6 *There's more than one way to kindle a fire, skin a rabbit, marry into an inbred family, serve a deity, shoot arrows, inflict torture, or climb an icy face of a wall.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: Beyond Life and Death *Wow, Bob, Wow!* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community TV- The Comedy Network --1998(?)-- *Tom Green seemed funny when I was around sixteen, now, sixteen years later, he seems more like a shithead.* either zero stars or 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors *The people who just moved in next door are nocturnal freaks with fridges full of blood in their basement. A Nickelodeon version of Fright Night.* 2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Doctor Jack *The key to a disgraced surgeon's miracle surgeries is a scalpel that hungers for shadowy street murders.* 3 stars

Farscape: The Flax *Scavenging, self preservation, strategic chessgames, sweet romance, and sacrifice all at the flypaper snare strip in the pirate portion of the universe.*      3 stars

Max Headroom: The Blanks *The Blanks (anonymous), for highly justified political reasons of freeing unjustly imprisoned Blanks, hack into and threatened to shut down a technology dependent society ran by corrupt corporations and politicians.*       3 stars

X Files: Ice *Who goes there? Another tense, paranoid version of the classic sci fi story involving a parasitic alien in an arctic setting.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 -episode 5 *Memorial shrine to regretful medical malpractice.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Asylum --Origins of Monstrosity-- *Skin to skin. A mother's touch.* 3 stars --Dark Cousin-- *Summon the angel of death.* 3 stars --Unholy Night-- *Satan frees Santa from solitary.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 16 *A strange, and humorously titled, ghost communication device called "Frank's Box" is used to speak to spirits trapped by a demon inside an insane asylum with a dark history and many unmarked graves on its grounds.*               between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Dark Secret of Harvest Home" *"What men may never know and what women may never tell." Townies from NYC accidentally take a wrong turn across a picturesque covered bridge into a frozen in colonial times New England village where the townfolk have strange customs involving corn and keeping to the old ways. The more the inquisitive sketch artist husband digs into the secrets surrounding a strange death, the more the mother and daughter get caught up in the cult nature of the many festivals. It turns out to be a fertility cult where the new blood wife is mounted and humped in front of the cuckold hubbie by a bohunk who is then beheaded. As tradition, the husband's eyes are then scratched out by the white robed pagan women for having witnessed the sacred act. See, this is why I fully throw my hat behind the patriarchy and not mother earth religions.* 3 stars

"Hot Summer in the City" ---sexploitation--- --1976-- *While a soundtrack of songs like AM radio gold classic "Everlasting Love" played as militant black power jive bruthas took turns on a scared Alice in Wonderland captive piece of "white pussy" and the group's cockeyed idiot gets brow beaten and bitch slapped for getting his "finger stuck in her asshole," I realized why this movie is self hating, w.a.s.p. hating, obvious subversive, ugly mongoloid looking Quentin Tarantino's favorite dirty movie.*                       either zero stars or close to 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Boy Parts" *Extra piece of fried chicken. Frankenstein boyfriend. Ghetto hair extensions. 180 year old racist. Poisoned buckwheat. Alligator dung. Snake eggs. Stevie Nicks. Deep fried revenge. Poaching game. Minotaur Mandingo. Woman on top.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

King of the Nerds: Imaginary Realms *Cosplay challenge. The only cosplay that ever interested me was the scene from Revenge of the Nerds where there's spacesuit deception in order to get nookie from a cheerleader inside a moonwalk attraction at the fair.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: King of the Mountain *Confrontation is not courageous, but it is indeed cool when it is combat, on the side of a cliff, between David Carradine and a cowboy bounty hunter John Saxon.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Eye of the Beholder *Faust Gump* 3 stars