#but i keep thinking of the songs so maybe its my subconscious telling me abt it. ugh

[nomaishuttle]

ive been getting a lot of songs from (band i dont listen to anymore for moral reasons) stuck in my head and it make sme feel like an evil evil person. might die

[likeawildthing]

Saving Kittens Thing

Bleeding heart James Potter does his level best to save seven cats from a terrible fate, but Lily Evans, his heartless monster fiancée, tries to thwart him at every turn.

ao3

week one.

Lily Evans to James Potter: no

James Potter: i haven’t asked a question.

Lily Potter: and yet

James Potter: but how did u know???

Lily Potter: your 762 cat pictures uploaded to the cloud james

James Potter: right.

James Potter: it’s just, hes been hanging around the office for the last two weeks…

Lily Evans: you don’t even like cats??

James Potter: but he likes me. 

Lily Evans: ...

James Potter: maybe I never liked them bc they were all assholes?

James Potter: chicken or egg, u know?

Lily Evans: amazing

Lily Evans: see u in a few

Lily Evans: no to cat. yes to takeout for stressing me out

James Potter: ur stressed? im marrying an unsupportive woman in 7 weeks??

Lily Evans: *kiss emoji* eggrolls.

James Potter: yes maam

James Potter to Lily Evans: but look at how CUTE he is

Lily Evans: no

James Potter: he likes milk

Lily Evans: impeachment song voice: no. no. no. no. no. nono. nononono.

James Potter: killjoy! 

Lily Evans: remember the squirrel

James Potter: that was one. time.

Lily Evans: and yet, i have veto power

James Potter: will u always have veto power? like for the next sixty five years?

Lily Evans: sixty four. you’re taking a year off my life.

James Potter: it wasn’t /that bad

Lily Evans: we had to call professionals in??? almost got kicked out??? our lease specifically and unequivocally forbids pets of any kind???

James Potter: technicality, yes, but as mum owns the building, pretty sure i could sway her w/ wedding leverage

Lily Evans: we are NOT having swans, geese, ducks, or other fowl at our wedding. so no leverage for u.

James Potter: killjoy!!!!!

week two.

James Potter to Lily Evans: he is a SHE

Lily Evans: …?

James Potter: THE CAT

Lily Evans: how do u

Lily Evans: nvnmd

James Potter: check ur snaps!!!

Lily Evans to James Potter: when u get home we need to talk abt appropriate things to snapchat.

Lily Evans: random example i’m pulling out of my arse: cats giving birth? 

Lily Evans: not appropriate!!

Lily Evans: also, are u under the bushes in front of your work?

James Potter: ITS JUST LIKE 101 DALMATIONS

James Potter: except cats!

James Potter: and six of them.

James Potter: seven including boots.

Lily Evans: boots?

James Potter: have u seen HER feet? boots.

James Potter: the Miracle of Life. 

James Potter: im transformed.

James Potter: i think i’m rethinking my position on kids                                    

Lily Evans: oh boy

Lily Evans to James Potter: babe. ur going to get fired for sending too many snapchats on work hours.

James Potter: my dad is the boss?

Lily Evans: he asked me to text sense into u. or to bribe u.

James Potter: rude.

James Potter: ...what kind of bribery

Lily Evans: not that kind

James Potter: just checking

week three.

James Potter to Lily Evans: ohmygodacrowtriedtokillmykittens

Lily Evans: 1. not ur kittens

Lily Evans: 2. crows are highly intelligent. i wouldn’t mess w/ it???

Lily Evans: prefer to marry u in one piece if possible

James Potter: whose side are u on??

Lily Evans: common sense

James Potter: do u know me at all???

Lily Evans to James Potter: was it u or my other fiancé who maxed out my library card limit

James Potter: yes. and mine. research for a work thing.

Lily Evans: How To Care For Feral Kittens. Protecting Your Wild Cat From Predators. Three Failsafe Methods for Domesticating A Feral Cat. Chicken Coop Construction. And like sixty kids books about cats??

Lily Evans: ??????????????????

James Potter: this IS technically a work thing, since its at work. 

Lily Evans: stretch, much? 

Lily Evans: cant believe remus let u check out 150 books.

James Potter: he is a Good, Supportive friend. and i have a LOT of free time this month. dad didnt want to stress me out. research is important, which you know! sixty kids books are to Read to the Kittens. good for development.

Lily Evans: ur dad took u off all projects bc he thought you’d be distracted w/ getting married.

James Potter: well im hyper-focused on this instead.

James Potter: and i can be! because we’re mostly done w/ planning, thanks to my gorgeous, intelligent, super efficient, soon-to-be wife. 

James Potter: and i love you.

Lily Evans: nice, but take a book back so i can rent mine. 

James Potter: im going to suggest you buy it on kindle, b/c its 2017??

Lily Evans: it’s the principle. reading is cathartic and an escape from my Many Stresses.

James Potter: gotta go. sirius just walked in w/ a work thing.

Lily Evans: well

week four.

Lily Evans to James Potter: pete told me ur trying to corral the cats into a paper box???

James Potter: traitor! did PETE ALSO TELL U its now crows, plural, and theyre trying to bait Boots out so they can get the kittens?

Lily Evans: he said that’s your story, yes

James Potter: it happened!

James Potter: and so i have to do this, for their safety and well-being.

James Potter: dad wouldn’t let me build a protective structure, so—

James Potter: im just—

Lily Evans: no.

James Potter: listenimgoingtobringthemallhome

James Potter: JUST until we can get them to a shelter 

Lily Evans: NO. james. u cant be the cat savior of the world??

James Potter: true, but i can be the cat savior of potter, inc.??

James Potter: or at least a foster cat dad.

Lily Evans: James. No. We both work 50 hour weeks and we are about to get married and we are about to go on honeymoon?????

James Potter: LILY. they need me. I need to save them.

Lily Evans: oh, babe. ur mom told me about the ducks.

James Potter: the ducks?

Lily Evans: when you were seven.

Lily Evans: is that what this is all about????

James Potter: sure?

James Potter: i mean…must be? i didn’t put two and two together, you know? but yeah. those ducks are, like, weighing really heavily on my…subconscious.

James Potter: i think if could all be resolved if u just give me like, 3 days

Lily Evans: 1

James Potter: 2

Lily Evans: deal

Lily Evans to James Potter: I saw ur ‘home sweet home’ Instagram btw

James Potter: stalker. come downstairs and see them.

Lily Evans: what took u four hours to get home?

James Potter: stopped by the vet to check them out. all looking great!

James Potter: and flea meds

James Potter: and vaccinations for boots

James Potter: aaaand the pet store to get a few necessities

Lily Evans to James Potter: sirius said he’d disown you if you adopted seven cats

James Potter: liar.

Lily Evans: worth a try

Lily Evans to James Potter: six matching kitten sweaters is NOT a necessity

James Potter: disagree

Lily Evans: three hundred pounds???

James Potter: will be much easier to rehome them w/ the proper supplies

Lily Evans: unbelievable.

James Potter: actually got some great deals, believe it or not.

James Potter: she was SO GOOD today. boots. she did not scratch me once and she put flea meds on her and shes all groomed and pretty.

James Potter: and LILY.

James Potter: come down and see them??? they need to meet their grandmum or theyll think you dont love them

Lily Evans: im allergic to cats?? and im not yet 22?

James Potter: u aren’t really allergic. and ur 104 in cat years.

Lily Evans: wow. im going to give u space tonight. the Sofa is yours.

Lily Evans: don’t get too cozy w/ them, potter.

James Potter: I think we know its too late for that, evans.

Lily Evans: veto. power.

James Potter to Lily Evans: ur really not coming down???

Lily Evans: one of us has to stay reasonable.

Lily Evans to James Potter: james. u cant just send me vids of drunk girls w/ a box of kittens

James Potter: can. did. will continue to.

James Potter: left ur fave wine on the stairs. drink some and come meet them??

James Potter: u could be the next youtube sensation.

Lily Evans: pass

Lily Evans: 39 hrs, btw.

James Potter to Lily Evans: did u order takeout just for u??? and are u home?? u didn’t go to work??

Lily Evans: working from home, yes. can u deliver to our room?

James Potter: why don’t u…come down and get it yourself.

Lily Evans: ill starve

James Potter: im coming

Lily Evans: 22 hrs 

James Potter: about that.

Lily Evans: james fleamont potter

James Potter: lil. im sorry. like i am in that we made a deal and I have to break it.

Lily Evans: JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER

James Potter: but im not in that im not sending them on the streets. i called ALL the shelters and they were all full! except for the no kill, which i wont do and neither will u, because im not marrying a heartless monster.

James Potter: and so were the cat fosters! apparently its peak cat shagging season or something???

James Potter: anyway i didn’t know and i did try and i AM sorry

Lily Evans: its ok.

James Potter: it is???

Lily Evans: well…I AM A REASONABLE PERSON but i am NOT heartless. we still cant keep them forever though!! i mean it!!!

Lily Evans: we can keep them until they’re ready to be rehomed tho. except they MUST be gone b4 the wedding.

James Potter: can we keep any of them???

Lily Evans: did u reread the lease?

James Potter: yes. they were very thorough, unfortunately. covered every loophole.

Lily Evans: two decades of being ur parents have trained them well

James Potter: come downstairs?????

Lily Evans: i have to stay strong

Lily Evans: ill bribe you to come upstairs tho

James Potter: ...what kind of bribery

Lily Evans: ;)

week five.

James Potter to Lily Evans: soooo....we have a responsible foster mum from the agency coming to look at my babies tonight

Lily Evans: Good. im tired of living upstairs and I Miss u

James Potter to Lily Evans: can u come home to work this afternoon???

Lily Evans: to clean? how messy have you been keeping it downstairs?

James Potter: pls. I’m the clean one of this power couple!!!!

Lily Evans: tru

James Potter: its about work. apparently im setting a bad example for taking 9 days for paternity leave when i’m about to go on honeymoon? and they need me for a presentation.

James Potter: point is. I HAVE to go back whether we (the cats, me) are ready or not.

Lily Evans: there’s a lot i could say to that babe, but i’ll refrain because I Love You.

Lily Evans: wont they be fine w/out you? or me? i’ve made it this far w/out meeting them.

James Potter: no! they need constant supervision. they’re actually quite the handful. who knew!

Lily Evans: omg

James Potter: Tabitha is due for her antibiotics dose at 3

Lily Evans: 1. uve named them. b. they’re on drugs???

James Potter: just Tabs. responsible fostering!!!

James Potter: we should really keep them until they’re old enough to be spayed and neutered, but I wont let them to go an irresponsible pet owner.

Lily Evans: god forbid

Lily Evans: OMYGOD u cannot just send me pictures of a baby kitten next to her antibiotics jar/??

James Potter: can and did

Lily Evans: if i fall in love w/ them, im never forgiving u

James Potter: thx babe. ill make it up to u.

Lily Evans: so many sexual favors, potter

James Potter: *wink emoji* *cat emoji*

Lily Evans: ew. bad combo

James Potter: yea

Lily Evans to James Potter: FUCK

Lily Evans: f.u.c.k.

James Potter: what happened?????

Lily Evans: FUCKKKKKKKKKK

James Potter: ARE THEY OKAY????

James Potter: also, are you ok

Lily Evans: they are fine. Just. Fine.

Lily Evans: I am not tho

James Potter: are u really allergic???

Lily Evans: only to common sense

James Potter: u fell in love, didn’t u

Lily Evans: NO

Lily Evans to James Potter: damn it. damn u. damn them, too.

Lily Evans: except not really

James Potter: it’s okay

Lily Evans: sorry for my derision and cynicism

Lily Evans: this wld only be better if i were drunk

James Potter: i guess you’ll never be internet famous babe

Lily Evans to James Potter: did u name the others???

James Potter: i left brown one. striped one. and w/ the heart on the nose for you

Lily Evans: yes i could tell because you MADE THEM COLLARS

James Potter: the one w/ the heart on the nose though

Lily Evans: SHE IS MY FAVORITE I LOVE HER

James Potter: can u really bear to part her from her siblings and mum???

Lily Evans: im not a Monster. of course not!

Lily Evans: but we’ll need a nanny???

Lily Evans: and a bigger flat.

James Potter: mum is thrilled actually. about grand-mumming it. not the flat.

James Potter: bad news: meant to tell u btw, she is ABSOLUTELY kicking us out.

James Potter: good news: may have a few house showings scheduled for us for next week, so

Lily Evans: did u knew this was going to happen to me???

James Potter: *kiss emoji*

Lily Evans: did u really even have a meeting at work???

James Potter: you’ll never know. give the babies a kiss me for me. ill grab takeout & be home soon.