#but i just dont think i can abandon her in such a traumatising way

[onetosaveyou]

I really don't want to have to wait a whole year so less two to die but maybe I should just. fucking join the 27 club. the last decade of my life has been horrific and I've wanted to die consistently for like. over a decade. so like what's suffering for just over two more years. at least then I can know for certain there's not something more. and I can successfully distance myself from anyone with time instead of just my instability.

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @dreatine - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x she/her!reader

Secret Admirer

He really doesnt know how you dont notice. The way he laughs at any joke you make, how his eyes follow you around the room wherever you go, how nothing can possibly distract him from you because he’s distracted by you constantly. Doctor Spencer Reid, 99% of the time the highest IQ in any room he walks into, and you have him completely baffled.

He doesnt even need to look up to know it’s you that’s just walked in. It could be you or Derek since you are the only two not yet at work, but some part of Spencer has a sixth sense for you, and his eyes immediately abandon the pages of the book in front of him. There you are, strolling in like a goddess, that same gorgeous smile on your face that you greet all your coworkers with. He waits just a few seconds, and that very smile falls on him.

“Good morning Spencie!” You call out.

He grins back at you and lets go of his book with one hand to wave at you. Spencie. People have referred to him as Spence before, but Spencie? That was something entirely unique to you. For a while, Derek and Rossi made fun of it and referred to him as “Spencie”, too. It was no discredit to you, it was purely because Spencer was never embarrassed to hear you call him that, which all his professional profiling friends knew meant one thing: he liked it, and that was cause for some light bullying. At first, Spencer was mildy irritated by it, but they never made the jokes when you were around, and because you were never given the chance to potentially take offence, it didnt take long for him to discard all negative reactions, and his friends realised his positive feelings towards you were stronger than they thought.

Of course the entire team knew. Did he really think a room filled with profilers wasnt going to pickup on his big fat whopping crush? Spencer knew they’d figure it out eventually. What shocked him most was your obliviousness. He made no real effort to hide his feelings towards you, he couldnt. He gave you at least one compliment a day, whether it related to something you said on a case, remembering someone’s coffee order when they didnt even ask you to get them a coffee, or regarding a new hairstyle you’d tried out. He got very protective of you whenever a case turned dangerous and you were at risk. Spencer knows you are trained and can take care of yourself, but that doesnt mean he wont fear for your safety. The only way he could make his feelings more obvious would be to walk up to you and tell you he’s in love with you, which he couldnt possibly do. He’d rather get shot. Again.

“You should do something for her on Valentine’s Day.” A quiet voice speaks from behind him, Emily.

Spencer tears his gaze from you and clears his throat, staring back down at his book. Even though the entire team knew, he wasnt just going to admit it.

“I dont know what you’re talking about.” He says.

Emily sighs. “Sure you dont. All Im saying is, the tradition of being something synonymous with confidential adorer, might be your best shot at figuring out if she’s interested without just asking her out.”

Emily walks away from Spencer before he has the chance to reply, even though he probably wouldnt have, given that his mind has been blown by what she just told him. Something synonymous with confidential adorer...secret admirer! That might not be a bad idea! And with a week until Valentine’s, he has plenty of time to plan this one out.

Despite Spencer Reid’s brain being a working miracle, he decided to note down his plans, just to make sure he didnt forget anything. Even though it is literally impossible for him to forget anything, unless it traumatises him to the extent of needing a hypnotist to unlock memories for him. But that was years ago.

Red roses. Those were on the list, but he couldnt buy them in bulk. He would have to buy the first ones individually for his first idea, the final dozen were the last part of the plan.

For the next week, everyday when you walked into work, there was a single red rose waiting on your desk. On the first day, you laughed and picked up the rose, looking around and asking who was pranking you. When nobody joined in your laughter, you realised that someone had left you a rose with intent, and that everyone on the team knew that. Spencer analysed the reason behind your laugh, and based on previous conversations with you in which you admitted you’d never been anyone’s Valentine, he concluded that you didnt believe anyone could have enough of an interest in you to treat you that way, because it had never happened. On the second day, you were shocked and silent, blushing and quietly sitting down at your desk, twirling the rose gently around your fingers. On the third day, you walked in and just grinned from ear to ear the moment you saw another rose waiting at your desk. On the fourth day, the team was called in at 4am, and you ran in, hoping to catch out the mysterious rose-deliverer, but even then there was a rose waiting. Your tired eyes teared up at that. On the fifth day, you squealed and jumped around everyone’s desks, clutching the rose and running to Penelope’s office to show it to her. On the sixth day, your entire being lit up at the sight of the small piece of paper sitting next to the rose. Spencer studied how you immediately attached yourself to his words, the fact you hadnt received a note with any of the previous roses put so much weight on the few words.

You are the most beautiful person in the world, to me, and to everyone that has ever met you.

Your back was to him when you read the note, but he heard you sniffle, then take a deep breath and hold the note to your chest, before you tucked it away carefully in your bag. Though you got plenty of work done that day, your eyes drifted to the rose beside you every minute or so.

On the seventh day, Valentine’s Day, you walk into the office slowly, almost hesitantly. When you see the rose there waiting, you smile sadly. Spencer frowns as you pick it up and hold it to your chest.

“The last one.” You chuckle, and Spencer understands. You think that‘s it, it‘s over. He smiles to himself and glances back down at the files on his desk, reassuring himself that later on today, that sadness will disappear. Or in fact, in a few seconds.

This time, the note is in an envelope, which you gently tear open, as though even the envelope is precious because it’s from the rose-sender.

Happy Valentine’s Day, gorgeous.

Instead of making everybody else a coffee, why dont you just make yourself one?

You freeze, and Spencer can practically hear the cogs turning in your head. In seconds, you speed over to the coffee machine, and sure enough there’s another note.

We’ve worked on many cases, some were a botch, but if you really want to know who I am, maybe you should ask…

“HOTCH! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!” You shout as you sprint to his office door.

Aaron laughs and opens his door, handing you another note with a smile.

Although you’re only finding out about this now, my affections for you have lived far longer than a year. If you want to find out more, visit the person whose surname rhymes with “year” (but only if you pronounce “year” with a British accent).

He admits those poems are not of the highest quality, but he was nervous! Not to mention, he wasnt exactly worried about iambic pentameter, more so making sure you could figure out what he was saying.

You burst out laughing. “PENELOPE GARCIA I AM ON MY WAY!” And then you’re running to her office.

Spencer cant see your reaction to his next note from where he’s sitting, he cant make it obvious that he’s the culprit so he has to stay in his seat. However, when you return to your desk with a pouty face, Rossi asks what’s wrong before Spencer gets the chance to. You show him the note you got from Penelope.

Im afraid that when it comes to being confronted by you in the daylight, Im a vampire. But trust that you will see me soon. In fact, you’ve already seen me, countless times.

“How can I trust them when I dont know who they are?” You ask the group as they form a circle around you.

JJ wraps an arm around you reassuringly. “Whoever it is, you know them and you trust them, you know that, you just havent linked their personality to these events.”

You nod slowly. “I guess you’re right, it just sucks. I want to know who it is so bad, it’s keeping me up at night!”

Thankfully, the rest of that day is spent writing up reports and filing, nobody has called the team and demanded they get on a flight to wherever. These days arent common, but they’re possible, and Spencer couldnt be happier that one of them has arrived today. He cant help thinking luck might be on his side, or maybe Hotch has somehow scheduled this perfectly for him. Either way, he’s very grateful.

But the end of the day comes sooner than expected, and he finds himself packing up his stuff with shaking hands. You’re distracted, in the middle of a conversation with Rossi, thank goodness. Spencer darts out of the building, getting everything in place in exactly the amount of time he’d predicted he could do this in. 23 seconds. By the time he’s hidden himself, you’re just pushing the building doors open.

You approach your car, eyes immediately locking onto the envelope on your windshield. Now your hands are shaking just like his. You reach for it, opening it so slowly it’s painful for Spencer to watch. Once it’s open, you unfold the page in your hands and start to read.

(Y/N),

You captured my heart from the moment you first smiled at me. You introduced yourself with bubbliness that I was so sure wouldnt survive in this job, but you proved me so wrong. Every single day, you walk into work with the brightest smile on your face. You make it your mission to improve the lives of every person you meet, I dont even think you try, it comes naturally to you. Trying to resist falling for you was futile, and so instead, I revel in it. My feelings for you are not hidden, everybody else can see them. You wouldnt believe the amount of people we’ve met on cases who have pulled me aside and told me to just ask you out. You are the sunshine of the BAU, not the crown jewel, but the crown itself, because without you none of us would make it. And seeing you light up everyday this week because of a simple gesture like a rose, it brings me more joy and pride than anything else ever could. Though you arent aware that my heart is yours, you handle it with such care, and if my only way of returning that favour is to make you smile with roses, I’ll deliver them everyday, until my last breath.

I didnt want to come up with rhymes for Derek, David, JJ or Emily, and send you on an unnecessarily long goose chase, so I suppose all that’s left to say is...hello, it’s me, your secret admirer.

“A-Are you here?” You ask without turning around.

“Yes.” Spencer replies, and he notices your body beginning to tremble as you slowly turn to face him.

“Spencer.” You breathe, your hands immediately covering your mouth as though his name is new to your lips. You had never suspected it was him, but now you see it couldnt have been anyone else.

Spencer steps out of the shadows, a bouquet of a dozen red roses in his hands. He holds them out to you, and you slowly take them, before launching yourself at him. To avoid crushing the flowers, you hold them in one hand and keep that hand at his back as you hug him, crying into his shirt. Spencer wraps his arms around you in a state of shock, feeling his heart swell in his chest.

“Th-Thank you!” You sob, and Spencer shushes you quietly.

“You dont need to thank me, you deserve romantic gestures like this and so much more.” He coos.

You pull away from him to wipe your eyes with your free hand, and Spencer cant help noticing how adorable you look, smiling through your happy tears.

“You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever known, Spencie.” You tell him, and he beams at you.

“Thank you, (Y/N).”

Your eyes widen. “I have something for you!”

Spencer’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as you awkwardly fish through your bag with your free hand, until you retrieve a piece of paper of your own. You pass it to him, and he’s about to open it, but your phone beeps.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding.” You groan in frustration, throwing your head back dramatically.

“What is it?” Spencer asks.

You shake your head and put your phone away. “I love Hotch, but Im about to disembowl him for this timing. Wheels up in 30, come on!” You grab Spencer’s arm and drag him back into the building.

As much as Aaron may have tried to avoid a case on Valentine’s Day, this one couldnt be avoided. It was one of those “this is so urgent I’ll brief you on the jet” cases. By the time the brief is over, the team all but collapse from exhaustion. The flight is a few hours, people can afford to have a nap. Spencer, though, is wide awake. You’re curled up in the seat beside him, the blanket you always bring on the jet is shielding the entirety of you, apart from your head, which is resting on Spencer’s shoulder as you sleep soundly. Not wasting another second, he takes your note from his pocket and unfolds it, his curiosity has been eating him alive for so long he feels like a skeleton.

I honestly dont even know where to begin with this. I have no idea who you are, but I hope. Because if it isnt who I hope it is, this cant go anywhere, I’ll have to let down anyone that isnt him. And it cant be him, can it? The impossible man, the genius with a heart of gold, the encyclopaedia of endlessly fascinating facts that I could listen to forever. I dont make a habit of putting people on pedestals, but him? How could I not? He’s an angel of a man. And as much as I dont think Im worthy of his affection, it would be an honour to be loved by him, and for that, I hope. I hope, because Spencer, if it isnt you, I wont know what to do. But hey, just in case it is, maybe I should keep this with me if you ever reveal yourself? Jeez, look at me, living on nothing but hopes. But for you? If hope’s all I’ve got, even that is a dream.

Spencer blinks away the tears in his eyes. Of all people, you only hoped for him. And the way you described him, you adore him in the same way he adores you. He looks down at your face, sleeping peacefully on his shoulder with a delicate smile. Without tearing his gaze from you, he folds the note back up and slides it in his pocket. Spencer smiles down at you, lifting his hand to ever so gently tuck some stray strands of hair behind your ear, before leaning down to place a kiss on your forehead.

“Thank you for letting me be your secret admirer.”

[altcvnningham]

1, 3, 5, 15, 18 and 20 😳😳😳😳

thank you for the ask!!! (also superior url omg 👁👄👁🤲🏻)

also my answers here are suuuuper long, because i’m a rambling idiot who’s way too involved in my OC’s. so uhhhh sorry in advance,,,,,

1. what radio station(s) do you listen to?

Vana’s a Samurai stan. She wishes she wasn’t. But, y’know, Morro Rock it is. Once upon a time when she was an even angrier teen, though, she’d listen to shit just like Ritual FM.

(My music taste is all over the place, and though blues is technically my fav bc i love old music, i never listen to it in 2077. So I switch between Body Heat, the Dirge, Vexelstrom for like 2 songs, and ofc, Morro Rock. But of all stations, there’s at least one song that i HATE so I can never stick to one for a whole ride sknsksjsjs)

i think i got the names right?? Idk yall i dont have it in front of me ndndndndhjs

3. how did you feel about Johnny that first night in the apartment, and how does it differ from what you feel now after everything?

so i’m gonna cut a read-more here because i decided to just lore dump Vana x Johnny here so uhhhhhh rip also //SPOILERS//

Vana is an extremely, seriously private, guarded person. Before Johnny, Panam, Kerry- Jackie was the only person she’d ever truly let near her, to get to know her. So obviously waking up to someone else living inside her fucking head was one of the worst things that’s ever happened to her. Her past is also something she’s not particularly proud of, so Johnny getting to witness all that is traumatising. Getting Johnny out of her head was priority number one, even if digging the chip out would kill her.

But after getting fucked over by the VBs, and both of them thinking she was gonna die, Johnny takes her to that abandoned hotel in Pacifica- it’s the first time he’s given her even a sliver of kindness, and the first time she’s ever openly expressed her fears to him, even if he could already sense them before. Oaths and promises are something she holds to incredibly high importance, so obviously when Johnny gives her his dog-tags, ‘proof of my promise’, she never, ever lets them go, never takes them off. (she still doesn’t. they keep her grounded. holding them to calm herself has become a reflex, for whatever reason.)

Everything just seemed to slowly change after that. For two people who hate vulnerability, it’s the only thing that helped them actually see each other. As the Relic continues to take over, they both understand each other more, feel each other more- and eventually it becomes hard to discern where Vana ends and Johnny begins. In cliché Johnny x V fashion like yeah duh it goes further,,,, cockwhore!Vana,,,,,, but with that they also start to become extremely possessive and jealous over one another- Johnny immediately on the defensive about whoever comes close to her, Vana selfishly hiding and keeping Johnny’s existence to herself, even if it slows the hunt for a remedy to the chip- to the point of seriously toxic co-dependency. It’s full of volatile ups-and-downs, fights and make-ups, and Vana almost comes to like the fact that she never has to explain nor hide what thoughts and feelings pass through her mind, no matter how dark or vulnerable. She prefers most things to remain unsaid, but values the fact that they both have a clear, transparent understanding of each other regardless.

But there's also... softer moments. When Johnny puts aside his ego for once, he learns to like the quiet that Vana does, brief as it can be sometimes. He'll sort of just... stay around the room, even if just to procrastinate retreating back into her head, because they realise they like each other's silent, wordless company. He'll wake her up from nightmares, hold her neck and kiss her back to sleep, or until the sun comes up, if she can't. It's all tender things they often pretend doesn't even happen, out of pride, I think, but they both know deep down that those are really the best parts.

Comes to a place where she suddenly hits a wall, and realises, I don’t want him to leave.

She’s never the same again after Mikoshi.

(But uhh anyway fuck V I’m horny on main for Keanu so i was here for the whole riiiiiide yeeeeeee)

5. how do your loved ones (LI, found family, etc) feel about you being a merc? or if you’ve given up the life now that everything’s finished, what was their reaction?

Vana grew up in a rich corp family, and after all the shit she’s endured just to appease her father, don’t think anyone could hate corps more than she does (some details of her past here!!) So when Arasaka kicks her out and Jackie finally convinces her to start merc work, it’s amazing how quickly she slips into the role, almost like she was made for it- an anonymous face within the city, free to roam and drift as she wants, relying on herself and herself only.

Vana works quickly and quietly enough (though not at all with clean hands), relying on stealth and netrunning, so she doesn’t cause too much of a noise that’d have her loved ones (rare as they are) all too concerned. Judy isn’t scared Vana’d be caught in gunfire, because when Vana works, her targets rarely know she’s even there. She’s smart, cunning. Panam appreciates that these skills have helped her out, so she can’t complain. River- who is unfortunately more fond of Vana than she is of him, given that she’s not too comfortable at accepting affection- isn’t too happy about the life she leads, but hey, it’s her skills as a merc and as one of NC’s most adept netrunners that he even stood a chance of finding Randy as quick as he did, so he feels indebted to her for that. Kerry thinks it’s fuckin awesome that she gets to do as she wants and provides for herself, bestieeees

Given she isn’t all that close with many people- keeping her distance and all- the only people who seriously worry about her are folks like Vik, Misty, and Mama Welles, especially the latter two, who knew how much Jackie meant to her, and how easily she cracks under the weight of grief. The only thing, really, that concerns everybody around her, is how insatiable her bloodlust becomes, and how much she'd throw away just to try and quell it.

Johnny’s just in it for the ride. Rather she work for herself than a filthy corp, anyway.

After Mikoshi, losing Johnny, making it to the major leagues, she fuckin... just doesn't care anymore. She hates the big glass house that was practically forced onto her (reminds her too much of her stifling corp childhood), she hates that she has 20 cars that clog up her garage and not just her trusty red Yaiba Kusanagi, hates that folks keep giving her all this shiny golden shit that she doesn't want, like any of it's worth a damn. Since then she's hardly in one place- never at home if she can help it, and either wanders aimlessly around the streets and crashes over at Kerry's to sleep through grief. It isn't the merc life she wants to leave, but major leagues turned out to be a glittering pile of dogshit she wants no part in. She only really stays there because Jackie would've wanted it.

(i’m a lazy bitch like i don’t wanna be a merc. i wanna be one of those cute npc’s with the glowy earrings and bunny backpacks and skimpy plastic skirts, who picks up noodles on the way home to go watch watson whore. in my ideal life i am NOT the main character snnsmsnsks)

15. which NPC is your bff?

Kerry. Kerry is Vana’s ride or die. No fucking questions asked. Kerry’s the only person (besides Johnny, i guess) as close to her as Jackie was. He’s really the only person that ever gets her to smile, like really, stupidly, goofily smile, and despite being almost complete opposites, they just understand each other so well. Whenever they need something, they're the first person they'll call. Happens so often that just as Vana sifts through her contacts to find his, Kerry's already calling for her first. They're practically joint at the hip.

They both live loud, fast lives, but also know how to make time for silence and introspection, something they both need to stay grounded. Vana doesn't buy into his zen-wellness-yoga crap, but sure, she tries copying a couple moves while he's doing it on a lazy afternoon, before scoffing how this is fuckin' dumb and retreats back to the couch. Also, as much as she hates being reminded of the wealth that came with her corpo upbringing, she loves using up all his expensive products, and tends to klep a bottle of his shampoo when she runs out. Cute how she thinks he doesn't notice.

After what happened in Mikoshi, she practically lives at Kerry's place, just dozing away miserably as he lounges by the pool, or curl up on the couch to mindlessly watch his old Samurai tapes (he doesn't like it much, but if it helps her through whatever shit she's going through, he's not gonna take that away from her). On better days, when she actually pulls herself out of bed, he teaches her to play guitar, slipping in a couple tricks Johnny taught him. Funnily enough, the whole thing helps him find some closure too.

( me,, I need a girl like Panam in my life to endorse all of my stupid ideas )

18. what’s your dream cyberware (either something that was shown in lore that wasn’t available in game or mental creation of your own)?

I don’t have access to the tabletop lore stuff rn so i’m gonna pull this out my ass jsjsns

Anything that helps Vana become more deadly at stealth and netrunning. The most eddies she’s ever blown are on increasingly powerful cyberdecks, cooling systems, netrunning gear she can comfortably slip on under a jacket and boots- she likes convenience and functionality, but she needs it to be comfortable, too. She’d fucking kill for anything that lets her scale silently up walls and across ceilings, though- like a spider- and anything that lets her get her hands reeeeal bloody, but quietly. Guess that’s just called a knife, though.

(Me?? Fuck uhhh man i just want synth-skin that looks normal but also shimmers all pink n cute. Literally wanna be an edward cullen sparkly lookin mf. Also, i’m sorry but scanning shit w Kiroshi’s are so dope that’s literally all i want?? Idk i’m boring and mantis blades freak me out uhh)

20. is there anyone you’re crushing on that’s unavailable? (yes this is the “what romance option(s) are you foaming at the mouth for” question)

Answered here :)

(And i’ll say it again, PLACIIIIIIIDE,)

[madokasoratsugu]

Lucette and Delora for the Character Thing? ovo?

give me a character and i’ll break them down:

aw hell yea, two boss ass female charas B)) 

Lucette

How I feel about this character

i don’t play a lot of otome games (surprisingly lol) but i was very pleasantly surprised by her and her huge personality. it’s pretty incredible how she grows in not just one, but all five routes, and all in different ways. Lucette is amazing and valid and she deserves so much !! and she got it all !! 

GOOD FOR HER.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

ok UH the top guy is obvs Fritz (and Varg) LMAO// but i also ship her with the other four LIs, Annice and Emelaigne, not in ranked order. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character

oh…is it cheating if i say Fritz/Lucette again HAHAH// 

hm i guess Mythros/Lucette ? id love to have seen them interact more. i can never see them together romantically (just because i think they’d be Bad for each other bc past trauma w Hildyr), but imo they’d have a very neat friendship as advisor and queen + magic teacher and student ! 

My unpopular opinion about this character

idk if this is an unpopular opinion but Lucette is #valid for all her behaviours, even those in prologue. 

ive ranted about this on twitter A Ton, but Lucette was someone brought up to be feared and taught that the world would never forgive weakness, and no one showed her kindness even when she was no longer that person (aka when she was first cursed and forgotten). Lucette had no reason to believe in kindness because the world did not give her one. no one is obligated to be kind to a world that hates them - in fact, hating it in return is only a human response. 

she chose kindness and love in the end, and i think that speaks more about Lucette than anything negative anyone in canon has said about her. Lucette chose to be kind to a world that did nothing to deserve it. the world was cruel to her at a time when she needed it to be kind the most (eg her mother’s “death”, her being cursed), and the fact that she turned around and said “this is wrong, i was wrong, and this will change starting with me”, and only ever blaming herself for everything once she finds out about Hildyr is ridiculously, painfully, kind. 

so i stand by her attitude lmao. i understand the townspeople, but fuck them lol. on this tangent: this is also why i love Fritz, because he was the only one to really understand this about Lucette and never demand/urge her to be nicer. all he did was believe in her, and that’s all we fucking want, right. to be believed in. fuck. im getting EMO in this chillis tonite.

other than this i don’t really think i have any unpopular opinions about Lucette :”)) 

(the other love interests tho. lmao. i have Controversial thoughts and here’s one: they would all make lowkey bad bfs and they got a lot of issues they need to work out w Lucette before they can really progress as a couple. the LIs need A Lot of help with their issues and its pretty nice that the game usually concludes with everyone having a support system to help them through it :”)) )

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

i wish her witch heritage had been brought up more ! people’s perceptions of her were obviously coloured because of it, and i thought it’d have been super interesting to see how and why some of the LIs’ views on her were shaped by the fact that she was Hildyr’s daughter - and how those views changed once they truly got to know (and/or love) her. its understandable why none of the LIs brought it up for their own reasons + it would have heavily detracted from the game’s plot and suspense, but i kinda wish we’d had a scene with each LI and Lucette talking about it. 

—

Delora

How I feel about this character

funny enough, Delora is one of those charas that i actually disliked/distrusted at first but then slowly grew to love as the game progressed. i love how her relationship w Lucette and the LIs was explored in the diff routes, and i want to see her interact with Lucette more in the fandisk !!

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Parfait !!! theyre the ultimate lesbian couple. goth/pastel aesthetics on point, ride or die babes; literally met in a war and decided ok, this is the love of my life that im gonna run a tavern with now ! i love them sm. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character

hmm…maybe Delora/Rumpel. i actually think that Rumpel and Delora can get along pretty darn well once he recovers his memories and becomes more grounded. also just bc i dont think there’s anyone else in canon in her age group that she’d get a chance to make friends with ajksskfd…..

My unpopular opinion about this character

ok hm might get flack for this but: Delora was totally in the wrong for cursing Lucette but especially for leaving her in the streets without shelter or food for god knows how long. 

the curse in general: it’s a classic case of good guy doing a bad thing to resolve a dire situation, but i do think that Delora took it too far - esp with leaving Lucette in an abandoned alleyway. 

ofc it’s implied that Karma and Waltz were patrolling the streets to just to find her the night she was cursed, but just imagine what could have happened to Lucette if they weren’t lucky enough to find her on the first night - or if they’d found her after the men had caught her. i just think traumatising a girl isnt the best way to teach her the power of friendship and kindness. 

i think Dice/mice miiight have mentioned on their tumblr that Delora was keeping an eye on Lucette the whole day/night when she was first cursed, but then that’s just cruel on another level - standing by while the townsfolk refuse to help i can understand, but letting these men attempt to rob her and chase after her when Lucette is utterly terrified and knows that she has no one to turn to ? kind of a dick move.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

this one is a little meta but: i wish Dice/mice hadn’t shut down the idea that Delora and Parfait are lesbians ! i mean im used to roasting canon in the oven and carving it for the juicy bits so i dont really care, but it kinda stings to have fanon lgbt headcanons shut down officially by the creators lol….

[antirealisation]

Hello who wants more “Serpent processing his own shit talking about House of Leaves.” I wasn’t even thinking about the goddamn book, getting ready for sleep then suddenly WAIT. What if I wrote a LONG POST about Johnny’s perception of himself as traumatised and more specifically this (or maybe just my -- we’ve never read much other analysis, except like to translate Latin or whatever) impulse to read a lot of Johnny Truant’s symptoms as traumagenic, but importantly, not in a way that he himself recognises.

Like, “Oh, he has a panic/dissociative/psychotic attack after filling needles with purple ink -- y’know, purple, as in his mom’s fingernails -- but he doesn’t realise that because Trauma and Denial etc. Easy.”

(And that was part of why I was feeling so bad the other day, like, here I am projecting onto a character who has a pretty multiply traumatic past, where a lot of his issues could be in part a response to Real Actual Trauma. Sure, the details are a bit exotraumatic, “Why am I seeing so much blood and gore, why do I have to make sure that my studio isn’t changing in size,” but the base, the origin of it?)

But then there’s another attack that also gets prefaced with “purple,” but nonliterally: “A few days later, I heard her [a one-night stand] on KROQ’s Love Line, this time drenched in purple rain, describing to Doctor Drew and Adam Caroll how I--’this guy in a real stale studio with books and writing everywhere!’...” (p. 149). And it freaks him out hearing this woman talk about how he screams in his sleep, which basically sends him tumbling into that “Oh no. How do I know this?” attack.

And “purple” there feels a bit more. contrived. Not, like, on Danielewski’s behalf, that’s not the level I’m ever caring about lol who cares about that dude, but Johnny, who still has his mom’s letters in which she talks about trying to kill him and mentioning her purple fingernails then. Suddenly finding it unfair to think that Johnny doesn’t make some connections to his trauma. He just doesn’t present it in the story even though there’s no real reason to think he’s particularly amnesic or in denial about things (see: how he talks about his foster dad and broken tooth, pp. 92-93 in particular for those following along at home -- he’s cagey about actually writing it down for an audience, but I dunno if you can fault him for that), and the other assumption being that if he did recognise it as caused by trauma, the symptoms wouldn't be as bad as they are and getting worse, because trauma isn't meant to do that, but I mean, there’s that whole bit about uhh lemme find the place again

“You like that crap [old abandoned things] because it reminds you of you. Couldn’t of said it better or put it more bluntly. Don’t even disagree with it either. Seem pretty dead on and probably has everything to do with the fact that when I was ten my father died and almost nine years later my crazy Shakespearean mother followed him, a story I’ve already lived and really don’t need to retell here.

Still for whatever reason, and this my Counselor for Disaffected Youth could never explain, accepting his analysis hardly altered the way I felt. (p. 21)

But affecting a connection to trauma even if he might not believe it himself, ~look it’s purple~? 100% projecting here (ie sounds like something I’d do, my “everything is at least five layers of irony at all times”), especially if this is when he’s trying to tell himself, “Maybe it’s not just exotrauma this book that’s ruining my life. What happens then, if I finish the book and it’s still not over?”

Write down hints that it could (should) just be something else, biology or an inescapable childhood, even if you’re putting it in kinda contrived ways that you don’t entirely believe. One of Johnny’s goddamn main character traits is <IS SMART, ESPECIALLY ABOUT LANGUAGE>, do you think he’d ever write the word “purple” without some tinge of recognition of that that colour could mean to him? I feel that way about “red.” I’m not lying about the projection, processing via meta :D

What I’m saying is

Despite claiming in Chapter One that “the more interesting material dwells exclusively on the interpretation of events within the film,” Zampanò has still wandered into his own discussion of “the antinomies of fact or fiction, representation or artifice, document or prank” within The Navidson Record. I have no idea whether it’s on purpose or not. Sometimes I’m certain it is. (p. 149 -- same page, by the way!)

>:/