#but i havent eaten in hours and cannot get out of bed for my life

[mandiips]

Kumamon would most likely to beat anyone’s ass if they insulted or bullied Tommy in front or near him, and the poor kid would just try to calm him down before the bear puts someone in a coma 😭 (also feel like would be an older brother figure that is better than Tommy’s actual brother idk that’s just me)

ohhH my god, my Kumamon days. are you that same guy from before cause man you have been sitting in my ask box and I've been like, " man, I should draw Kumamon, man they're right I should draw Kumamon I should i shoul" I don't do what I'm told often thank you for the understanding yes.

You know what else. Youkn you know what else anon, Kumamon is shorter than Tommy. And so of course as Tommy grows into his staggering heights, he can just scoop them up. He can just scoop Kumamon up like an infant. Like a newborn baby. Easily.

Now anon, Kumamon doesn't need their fists to hurt you. While very capable of beating up things four sixteen times their size, Kumamon is so technologically advanced that they can make grow mon cry with words alone.

so I want you to just picture this for me. just Just a little thing to ponder maybe

Since Tommy is now working his way into law school and such, I'd imagine that he got a feel for social just in student council no? And the students would one day see their council president defeatedly hold up a tiny cute little ice bear and he gives them this look like they don't know what theyre in for and he's sorry just as Kumamon lays into them with a voice more dead than Jenna Ortega.

they quote basic law and random ace attorney lines in reference to whatever violation occurred like they're preaching the holy bible but it's casually lined with the most obscene curses you can imagine. The students walk out of there just feeling bad lmao

[chrobinrickhen]

shit that happened

tw for child abuse, beating, physical assault, minor transphobia etc ///

my parents have been abusive to me my whole life. from things starting small with my mom treating me as her spouse and talking to be about things a parent shouldnt talk about with their as young as 3 year old child during times she was in fights with my dad, to while i was younger primarily beating me for simply crying at things (mainly in public places), the total and complete gaslighting of my abusive 5th grade teacher (which was somehow far worse than them lol) etc. however, they never seriously beat me before, as in, all out beating me up with continuous punches kicks and thrashing.

my mom would frequently slap me in the face or punch me once in the back at times as of recent during my years in high school where i struggled to my near (literal) hospitalization and death from mere over exhaustion and stress (i averaged less than 4-5 hours of sleep for all 4 years and my senior year i nearly didnt sleep At All) during my senior year my dad even threatened to kill me during one of my parents outbursts against me simply trying to reason (more like beg! lol!) for them to help me drop out of school because it was destroying me and was more and more traumatizing literally every day and they thought they were justified because “i was so close!” “youve already suffered for so long may as well stick it through!” despite my therapist and psychologist doing the best they can to tyr and get me out. my parents have punched a whole in the wall, thrown and broke things, (thankfully not at me) and simply just been physically threatening with destroying things important to me and my belongings.

however, after i graduated. and after i was diagnosed with ptsd. and after they seemed to become more understanding and learning from their mistakes i thought they were genuinely open to becoming better people and challenging themselves to listen to me and others.

this incidence proved that wrong.

itd been 2 years give or take i genuinely dont even remember what year i graduated lol since he threatened to kill me. i thought they changed and genuinely had formed trust with them that was slowly growing. and then somehow or another the topic of asylum seekers, ice, and the current concentration camps came up, to which my parents responded with some of the genuinely most vile words ive ever heard people say to my face.  i dont even want to try and repeat it here bc im pretty sure you can get the idea. i calmly tried to talk to them, they started to scream, i went up stairs. they continued to shout horrible things to me, that again, im skipping over for my own wellbeing bc it isnt exactly fun to recount. something something “you havent sufferred through shit” she said to me at one point. yes, your child who has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, depression, panic disorder, ptsd, ocd, eating disorder general symptoms, a survivor of school abuse spanning my whole life for not being neurotypical and cishet, and a pending diagnosis for adhd, TOTALLY has not suffered.

anyway, i wanted to die. what they said to me, was so horrific i really just, wanted to die, i kind of lied about it on twitter saying im not actually suicidal dont worry but i highkey was and i dont wanna try and cover that up again. i just didnt want anyone to worry (IM OKAY NOW AND NOT SUICIDAL DONT WORRY this if anything was a good lesson for me to learn) anyway, i told them this. i knew it was kind of shitty and guilty but all i asked of them. is that even if they cannot agree with me, if they would at least care to listen to why this is wrong and accept that they dont know everything like they are convinced they do and yet accuse me of claiming i myself am.

i texted them, that long thing, telling them how i would stay in bed and not eat or drink (for context my sleep schedule was fucked the two days prior and i barely had eaten or drinken) my memory is fucked and i would have to check with my therapist if im confusing this with another instance bc im pretty sure the beating happened the day the argument did but i also remember staying in bed for mulitple days? but anyway thats not important fhdiujng so. they came to me and started screaming shit at me. again. horrible shit. their response to their child saying “im suicidal and would rather die than you be my parents any longer if you refuse to listen to why these people deserve to not be put in cages and die” and their reaction was not concern but screaming, insults, calling me a monster, a puppetmaster (the irony) and I DID NOT. SAY. A WORD. TO THEM. I DID NOT MOVE> i was. completely. still. the entire time. i was weak. i was sick. Literally from dehydration and starvation. and because i did not answer them back they jumped ontop of me and my mom beat the shit out of me and chokeheld me, my dad then also did the same even though he did not hit me, he came close to strangling me before leaving the room. i was swollen and bruised all over including my face it was super visible for whatever reason but my body hurt like a motherfucker for over a week since that happened. i just cried when they left

then an hour later after htey beat me they came up and starting their baby uwu act of “i dont want to fight just go shower and come down and eat your dinner blablabla you know we love you rihgt?” and forcing me to apologize to them whenmy mom literally beat me, my dad screamed in my face with his nose to mine to and they helf my neck in their hands with the intent to cause physical harm to me.

proceeding this the aftershock of trying to process what hat happened was just. a lot as you can imagine. i was so paranoid and uncomfortable the week preceeding this just being aorund them hearing their voices literally everything about my house and them living in it was horrifying to me. my therapist helped me a lot and im ok now but like. they proved to me that they really just cannot be helped. theyre a lost cause. at this point to me, the only thing they are are a financial source to cover my transition and im left with no choice but to force myself to play the puppet. i tried to do a mix of both working with and against them before and it blew up in my face. it sucks but thats what it is and as long as obey their shitty asses ill be fine. i dont know where my future will go but i know and pray that it cannot and will not be with them. the moment i am away from them and my belongings are not in their possession they no longer exist to me unless they genuinely will accept the fact theyre the 2nd reason my ptsd exists.

tl;dr my parents suck and im forced to play their child puppet in order to literally survive their love of me is toxic and based on a false perception of what a child is supposed to be and i regret not calling child protective services on them whe n i had the chance

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i was ready for bed and heard the call of weed again - or what i hoped would be weed but instead was 10$ which is probably honestly for the best in the long run. i probably honestly need 10$ more than i needed weed - and they stll smoked me a few joints anyways. 

but it was good to speak to other people. to regain a sense of my surroundings that is not the little bubble of the 5 streets that seperate my house from his. because ive lived in that very protective bubble for atleast several weeks and although its protective, its not a bubble thats for me. i am just like hitching a ride on someone elses bubble and neglecting my real life because it sucks. and its hard. 

it 3am. and i want to like pretend im going to make some fucking plans for tomorrow an do things but i dont know if i will. i know that this is a very weird way to be living right now and i have to excessively apologize for fucking living in a squat house at this point. it doesnt have to be thiissssss bad. this is stupid. but i dont have the energy to make it any better right this second so im just kind of thinking about it - which is super typical for my life. that describes my entire being. 

the way i would describe this week has been like an rpg video game but like.. in a metaphysical world. like i existed in this world while also in another world of my mental being and continually battling shit that was just .. really stupid and unnecessary. this was like a frustrating shittly made rpg. and the first couple of levels are painfully hard where like its just grinding and grinding to be able to do anything. and then once you get to thing you grinded so hard for its lik the most impossible glitched bugged out boss but you already put 80 hours of your life into it so youre going to find that 1 in a million fucking way to beat the boss that for som reason in itself has like  17 side quests you have to complete before you even touch the guy. 

and its like the people aroud me are shitty people watchng a stream of this video game but all they see is my webcam. they dont see the actual game. they just assume what the fuck im doing or how im doing it or if its hard or not and give me vague advice that kind of rings true to the situation but they have no idea whats actually going on anyways. and like everyone in awhile you get this shitty comment about how you suck or you’re a failure and its like you dont even know what the fuck is happening on the other side here right now because im doing pretty well for the circumstances at hand. 

i dont know if im even at the final boss i think im on the 17 side quests. and like i dont have fucking time for this but i also dont not have time for this because its life or death inside of my head right now. you cant walk away from that its very serious and im stuck inside my head. 

being around other people helped. but like i wouldnt have been able to go out and meet these people for a random thing. i wouldnt. but the way it was set up - and that in itself felt like a fucking side quest to make it happen; i felt comfortable and could sit and just observe a conversation and just participate when i felt like it. i didnt sit and moan about my life at all. i was more than capable of having a normal conversation about totally neutral topics and common interests. most of the time i just listened but listening made me feel acknowledged. lke i also existed because this person was telling me someting and to them in that moment i was important because they wanted to tell me this thing. 

because they wer emore acquaintances than true friends i “knew”, i was also able to regain reality by seeing their own display of personal greivances. if i shared mine, they would have been worse. and times in my head i couldnt help but think you know you guys are actually kind of lucky. these things could all be a lot worse. you have a lot going for your life. but this is life. and they have their own set of problems which weigh heavy on them enough to need to air their issues to people they dont actually know very well. and that says something, regardless. they also feel a sense of desperation in expressing something that maybe theyre not even expressing to other people. 

i didnt take that chance with them for myself though. i was very subtle - or i perceived myself being subtle when talking about the issues ive had lately. im also really confused by these issues - the side quests. because i know these are side effects of the drugs and im panicking about very odd things that dont need such a sense of panic but its bringing to the surface the idea of these problems existing at all. like focusing on not having family. i havent had family for awhile. this is not the most pressing issue but it was killing me for hours on end. and like - this takes up way too fucking much of my day. to be sooo panicked about something you cant even do shit about is exhausting. and then like i project these feelings on to him because i want to share something with him - like i dont even know if i want to share a life with him because im crazy and this is crazy and everything is fucked. but i want something with him and being crazy and too fucked to work / find a job is standing in my way. i have nothing to prove im a functioning human. and im barely a functioning human, honestly. like it is very surprising i am 27 now. thats fucked. 

regardless if i do something or not, things are going to change dramatically in my life in the next several weeks. because i am very sure i am going to be evicted. and i probably very much deserve to be evicted. i owe atleast 3000$ point blank in my life with all my debts, which it could be more - and i have no job and ive spent weeks trying to “get better”. thats terrible. i absolutely deserve to be evicted. i am already homeless and i live like a homeless person squatting in a random apartment i got lucky to find. like this is fucking nuts the way im living right now. and people are witnessing it. they literally have witnessed this and thats pretty embarassing. 

again in my head im like oh yeah im going to get up tomorrow and just go out and look for work. but i havent showered in three days. or eaten anything substantial - out of catatonic fatigue and general lack of care - and ive pretty much allowed the cats to piss on everything i own so i have no clean clothes or underwear. i just let everything around me go to complete shit 

and its funny because i naturally wanted to solve my issues with weed. like a fucking power up to get through the worst of it and i went through fucking everything and everyone to do it. with no fucking money. i made money and still got weed. thats how fucking well i did that. 

and yet.. here i am. this is ... like im the weirdest craziest person to be around. i really think i have to be like pretty up there in craziness. like the perception people must have of me ... if its even a ‘perception’ since its probably the reality but im like .. crazy bitch over here. i cant even imagine knowing me. i cannot even put myself outside of myself and imagine knowing me as a person. i would be a super frustating person to witness in life. i am really .. i dont know. ive existed on fucking nothing. like how did i even do that. why would he even be around me for this long outside of his own craziness. like why the fuck would you even love me. its not even a self pity thing im generally like ... appreciative that i am being loved but wow why would you. i really offer... being a nice person. thats what i got in life. i am a nice person who is creative and like fairly well read & intelligent with an assortment of domestic skills none of which are really top notch but they get you through. other than that i got nothing. i got debt. i got shitty cats that even im like these are probably our last days together. i have good looks which is probably why im honestly getting by in life and have gotten by so far. and that honestly is not even something to gloat on because its not like im super fucking hot. im just a good looking person. like slightly above average. i have a pretty nice body as well but i dont keep in shape in anyway and am frequently malnutritoned. ive also completely scarred probably 70% of my body which is very obviously done by me. so thats always fun when youre about to fuck someone for the first time. and i mean.. im not even that into sex. ive been called a tease more than once because i allowed my good looks to give me what people were offering me when i knew it was because of my looks. i wanted something, but i wasnt interested in them. 

i have no formal education and dropped out in early highschool - like very early. i dont drive. i dont have a car ad defiinitely could not afford one. i dont even have a bike. i cant afford public transit most of the time. im a nice person, you know. i’m caring, sometimes to a fault. i have potential to give a very serious kind of love to the right people. but thats it. thats what i have to offer a person in a relationship with me. thats what i have to offer in a life with me. i mean, i dont even have real interests. i watch documentaries. thats honest to god my biggest interest and has been for months. its like a fucking hobby in some ways. i watch guys playing video games on youtube - a lot. i dont even play video games. i honestly dont know why im fucking watching it. this is totally unnecessary and ive done it openly and just fallen asleep peacefully. why? thats so weird. thats such a weird thing to do. i smoke, alot. i smoke a ton of weed. thats one of my worst qualities. i cost a lot of money and make .. none. the amount of money ive cost other people is probably in the thousands and that was out of kindness. just so i could exist. but i know it does help me. it helps me cope and to leave it behind with no coping skills is really unhelpful to my life. 

so where do i start? probably by going to sleep. waking up at some decent hour - its almost 4 now so i hope for 10, but this is just spewing dreams in alot of ways. i could wake up and continue to lay in bed for hours. somethng simple like stretching - which i honestly really need after this anyways. taking a shower. trying to clean my house. find money, just.. keep finding money and money resources. thats the best i can fathom right now. i want to say ill find a job but thats so complex of a hurdle i just .. i can successfully find money in trade for simple labor. not a job. fucking.. eat food. i have food. i literally have food to eat. i just need to get back ... i dont know. somewhere. back in myself. 

tommorow will be the beginning of the final battle right now. there will be more battles, more shitty rpg games, but this battle will be finished soon and im getting back to real life. real fucking life.