#but i forgot I've got SWM to look forward to

[loonyloopylupin96]

I'm sorry

but also

I think Remus is probably most sad about the way things turned out after he has begun staying with Sirius at Grimmauld Place.

Before that, Sirius is just a history. An idea. A thing that was. He can almost pretend none of it was ever real.

Part of him might have wished Sirius was dead, too, then it was final. Then it was over with properly, instead he was having to wait for news of either an escape (unlikely) or death (not exactly imminent). So he had to settle for knowing they were both still existing on the same world... but not.

But then he's out of prison, and he becomes a Thing again. But he's still a murderous thing, so it doesn't really matter does it?

Until... he isn't. It turns out that none of that was true. He's still Sirius.

Then things get harder, because it means that instead of the Hogwarts years not being real... the past twelve years were the lie, instead. And that's a lot to wrestle with.

But it doesn't matter really, because he's got a friend back and then he has to try and pretend the twelve years weren't real.

There's a patch of time where they're once again existing in the same planet, not seeing each other, but it's different this time. They can write, he knows the truth.

But it's still a bit odd, and he'll struggle to remember which version is the lie and which was the truth. It's times like these he wishes he'd never got into Hogwarts at all. The truth became a lie, and the lie became the truth, but then he can't see him anyway and it's almost like they weren't reunited at all. And that's when things do get harder.

Harder still when they move into Grimmauld Place. Because Sirius isn't happy. He's not got the fight in him that he had when he'd just left Azkaban, he's not got the joy in him that he had when he was 21, 17, 16, 11. He's lost, and he's never been lost before.

And that's hard. Because it's harder to be with someone you've missed for years and feel alone because they're not the same person, than it is to be forced to let them go because they've gone. It's harder being with someone when they're not quite there than if they were never there at all. Not least because there's nothing he can do about it, except go about his own work and then come back.

So... whilst there's no doubt that he'd have missed the days before 1981, I expect Remus missed the days Sirius was in prison too (not that he'd ever say it) because at least then he was sure of who Sirius was, and sure of where he was. Even if half of that was a lie. It was just easier when he didn't know that. Likewise, even when Sirius was on the run and he'll have missed him greatly... there was still that promise of an impending reunion. And the constantly looking over your shoulder because what if today is the day things are okay again... is more exhausting than not having something to hope for at all.

And then Sirius dies. And even if Harry never sees it or comments on it, he's beside himself. Of course he is.

But. A small part of him is relieved. Not because he's glad he's dead, not because he wanted him dead, but because... Sirius is free.

For the first time since 1981 Remus can stop waiting for him to come back.

"There's nothing you can do Harry... nothing... he's gone."