#but i feel like that'll just make it worse cause then i'll totally be cutting myself off and then i'll never know how to define myself
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nah bc my sense of self was way more clear at 13 than it is now. what the fuck
#i feel every way that i defined myself when i was younger has just slowly been stripped away but it hasn't really been replaced by new trait#s and so now i just feel like some boring lost shell of the person i used to be#i also definitely feel like the rise in popularity of fashion and dressing like your 'aesthetic' which reflects your personality has somethi#ng to do with this#bc i've always dressed lazy i like fashion and i like looking at pretty things and having nice clothes and putting together outfits#but most days i just don't have the energy to be doing that in the morning. same thing w makeup hair etc all the appearance things#so when i go out i just look either homeless and not in the fashionable way or like a 14 year old#so like since so many people define themselves and others by what they wear and how they do their makeup etc everyday#i feel like that's the only way i can define myself so then i just end up not knowing what i am or how i typically act#bc my appearence doesnt have any personality i can't define myself by it#when i was younger i was sarcastic and a little bit mean but in a fun way and like lowkey scary in a weird way#i was the kid that jumped off tall shit and somehow didn't break anything and played with knives and made fun of assholes relentlessly#and like those types of people now express those types of things a lot through clothes i feel like? i don't know if this makes any sense#like everything has to be aesthetically pleasing and everyone has to look pretty now even if it's not conventional#and i just. don't know where i fit into all of that#idk maybe i just need to delete instagram and tiktok#but i feel like that'll just make it worse cause then i'll totally be cutting myself off and then i'll never know how to define myself#question if you read all of this: if not by your appearence how do u reflect your self image? how do you figure out how to see yourself so y#ou can project that and others can see and think that too?#i also definitely defined myself a lot by what other people thought of me bc all that before from when i was younger comes mostly from how#people reacted to me and what they told me when telling me about myself#and like here (college) i cant get a read on people bc i don't spend enough time with them so i can never figure out how they see me#so maybe that's why i cant figure out how i should see myself#next question: is it possible to define yourself internally without the opinions and validation of the people around you? bc i rly hope so#oh my god this might be the most tags i've ever put on a post i wonder if tumblr has a tag limit and this'll get cut off#shut up hanna
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I just need to know
Last Friday 22/11/19 I got my nerves tested because the MRI was clear and my feet are apparently perfect. They stuck electrodes on my leg and feet and took readings he also stuck a needle into my muscle on my arch so that should hopefully give the surgeon enough to determine whether it is tarsal tunnel or not. I just need to know what it is I need to find out BC it's driving me crazy the meds are fucking me up and my feet are just hurting more and more. I slept for 14 hours in total last night (24-25/11/19) which is impressive but I know it is the medication. Although here I am rambling at 1AM (26/11/19) and it's just taking a toll on me. I'm not in the mood for anything anymore. That's a lie I am for somethings but I just feel more useless than ever. I can't do anything. I've started to play a bit of guitar again although I can only concentrate for 15 mins ish and schoolwork I just can't do. I've missed most of mock exams it finished Friday I think and I'll have missed them all. People say focus on getting better then on school work and catching up but it's not that simple school will determine what happens in the rest of my life especially these exams at the end of the academic year.
I like this song. Partly BC I can play it and on the other half it shows how much you value things despite deciding to cut them out. TW :This is cutting for me. I miss it so much and I miss controlling the pain I feel. Now I'm in a stable relationship feelings about others aren't the problem it's the way the pain messes with my brain. I just feel like I deserve it idk why. But I want to get a release to stop feeling like noone else understands me. They don't understand me or what I'm going through and idgaf if they say it could be so much worse be grateful for me this is the worst u can't walk I can't go to school I feel pain which is intolerable even when I'm not standing and I'm having to drug myself up with things that make me constipated and shattered just to help alleviate that pain. I've gone from being sporty to being in a wheelchair. So don't say it could be worse because that makes me feel worse; it makes me feel more insignificant and like my problems aren't valid. And at this point I'm beginning to believe they aren't. The only reason I'm not cutting is if someone finds out and I'm starting not to care about that which worries me but I can't tell my parents again. It "got fully better" it got better but I didn't feel like it got fully better. I still get suicidal, I just hide it better now. I've still got the scars. I've still got the memories of planning it. I'm far from perfect. I waste my parents money on private appointments and even though they can afford it and it helps it get better so much faster I cannot help but feel like it's a waste. It could be free on the NHS but it would take months. In a couple of months I've had two consultations two MRIs and nerve testing. This wouldn't be the case with the NHS but it still feels bad that they've spent this much money on me.
I should just get over it. I should "man up" and I fucking hate that phrase but I need to get over it BC it's hurting everyone around me so much and it's my fault. I hate doing this BC it feels like I'm an attention seeker but I don't want to depress anyone by properly talking to someone about it and they'd take me off of the amytriptline which I think is helping/ doing something and I can't have that. They'll think it's a coincidence and that it caused me to start feeling worse but it isn't it's been going on for a longer period of time and I can't have the time it's taken to build it up in my system be reduced BC I'm fucking having suicidal thoughts sure I've had tendencies but I'm not feeling more pain that'll just make it work. I just need to keep it inside my head but I also just want someone to talk to about it. I can't talk to t BC she'll get annoyed and leave me BC I'm depressing like p did and I can't tell t or p or d BC it's unfair when they're already struggling and I can't honestly talk to my family about it. I want to cut and idk how long I'll last before I do again. I just want my feet to get unfucked asap.
#pain#help#suicidal#suicidal thoughts#cutting#tw#why wont my fucking pain stip#its unbearable#i just want to be happy#i need to know#what's the point
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