#but i dont really know that permanent teacher well so i have noooo idea what to expect

[britneyshakespeare]

re: my last long personal post about the day i had at work today

i'm sorry like i just can't get over it, i can't get over it. i am not there to be ogled, i am not there to be objectified. i'm not there to be a petting zoo or a table. i'm not there for any of it. i feel different enough at work for my age and position.

i'm VERY aware little boys have crushes on me. every now and then, one of them makes it very obvious. it's seriously nothing to me, because it's always been respectful. kids have crushes on adults, especially young ones. but i have no more intention of being a seductress than i would if i were fifty and married. i just so happen to be 25 and single. oh well. i am equally disinterested, and would like to be presumed as equally disinterest-ing. if i get a little unfair halo effect sometimes, i don't care.

it has literally never been so sexual in nature before. it has never been so much about my body, my legs. i worry about the reaction to this being dampened by the effect of the other adults around me seeing that and being like, well, yeah, if he's gonna be interested in anyone's legs, it'll be hers. i feel embarrassed calling attention to the fact that a kid is attracted to me. it has always, always been a non-issue before this. it has always been innocent and respectful of my role as the adult.

i wanna say i don't worry about this happening again, because it is a first. it is a first for me in four years, with dozens if not hundreds of kids, that i've been treated so inappropriately by a child. i worry about this being seen as more natural because it happened to me. but it's not natural just because it happened to me. i'm the teacher that a lot of kids have little crushes on, whatever. i'm not the teacher kids get to pinch and gawk at; that's never happened.

if this happened to me and i were fifty and married, would it be more scandalous? would i just, perhaps, not be believed? i don't know. i don't know. i keep going down these thought spirals of why me. what is the reaction people have to it being me? because while the few people who saw/heard about this seemed not to condone it, they don't seem shocked either. but it hurts, it does, because i'm shocked. that it happened to me. it's like i don't really know if people can put themselves in my shoes more than they can put themselves in his.

a young woman being treated at her place of work as a piece of meat is offensive, but it's everyday. it's banal. a teenage boy having a preoccupation with an adult woman that he can't see as fully human also so normalized. it just feels like an unempathetic view for me is all i can expect. when i already experienced this alone. AND i have to be the one to take responsibility and make others aware about it. because it's not like he was going to... somebody had to. and oh, look, i'm the adult. that makes me somebody.

like i don't even want him to be "punished" per se. i just want to be assured that steps will be taken to stop him from objectifying more women and girls in the future. holy shit, WHAT if he does this to a girl his age? would he? i don't know. i don't know the kid well. i have an idea of why he targeted me, but i don't know what he wouldn't do to someone who was more of his equal. i can't speak for or predict that.

it's just fucking humiliating. hi yeah i'm the substitute from friday. yeah i'm the one he couldn't keep his hands off of. cuz i dared to wear a skirt. yeah, same skirt i've worn to work with kids a bajillion times in the past four years. yeah i guess i was just so seductive. like give me a break; i don't want to receive any more attention for this but it just feels like i'm gonna. i don't know what kind of response i'm going to get to the email i wrote the regular para.

i don't know if i'm gonna have to elaborate further. i feel like i shouldn't have to. i gave her all the details somewhat unemotionally; it just stings the more and more since i got out of work. like i just can't believe that really happened. and the shock was dulled while it was happening, because i didn't believe it was happening. the more hours go by the more i'm like, well, yeah, i did the right thing: escaping that situation as promptly as i could, telling another adult, and emailing the permanent teacher about it.

i keep wanting to act unaffected by it. but i'm just so offended and dismayed. i also feel powerless, because i couldn't be the one to get him to stop. something about my presence to him was an invitation to treat me that way, and my not being amused did not deter him. it feels like the interpretation he had of me was not at all in my control. he wanted to view me as an object, and so i was one in his eyes. the other teachers can scold him for that, make him feel bad for that, but i can't. i'm not really the authority. i'm just the pretty one.