#but i cant watch it. idk even past jealousy i think its so weird like i could find these people

[terrorbirb]

I can't watch YouTube of videos of people who live in my city/proximity.

[unfunky-and-out-of-time]

some reviews now that ive watched all the futurama movies

overall: i found the movies to be lacking... something. like i cant quite tell if its the pacing or the inconsistent characterization or their almost admirable dedication to keeping up their refusal to adhere to continuity in style of the actual show. but having these movies sort of tie in with each other plot-wise (or at just the one time between bbs and bwabb. idr) and then not letting the characters remember what happened in the movie that Just happened. well it just feels very strange and makes for an overall wonky story.

bender's big score: i think its not a surprise if i say that this one has the strongest plot. it's been built up throughout the fox run and it does tie it all together in a neat bow. i loved the time travel plot. the antagonists were kinda... eh but i could accept it because at least the character dynamics and conflicts felt fleshed out.

i still prefer to view the plot as part of an alternative timeline because it kind of weakens some of the greatest episode in the original run (the luck of the fryrish and jurassic bark. dont tell me they "coulve still missed him when he disappeared the second time" because no. stfu) and fry's character in general - him feeling so out of place in the 20th century and not spending a single second mourning his past life when he wakes up 1000 years later feels like a crucial part of his character. but alright.

sometimes i wonder if i read more into leelas character than the thoughts the writers have put into her character because to ME her being so easily swayed by romantic gestures and being superficial as well as being quick to run into serious commitments is a great reflection of her character and her insecurities and i love exploring her through that. but also then they depict these really outdated and honestly shallow ideas of what romance should be whenever they have an ep in which fry pursues her (time keeps on slippin, the farnsworth parabox) which makes me think these writers dont have a clue. this imo wears down their dynamic in into the green wild yonder too

still... i think out of all the movies ill probably (only) rewatch this and grow to appreciate it

the beast with a billion backs: so when i heard about the concept i was a bit weirded out but not in a gross way which is a good sign because getting this kind of reaction out of me is difficult LOL yeah but well. the movie could not handle the weight unfortunately i think the plot couldve fucked soooo bad. they couldve done a good take on scifi horror and get all existential but idk we just got this. bender jealousy plot is always good no complaints. you could kinda tell that in its heart it was meant to be just a singular episode. wouldve gone crazy tbh.... also fry's pope fit FUCKED im obsessed.

continuity.... ermmmm so going from bbs to THIS? who approved this. this was the last movie i watched of the four and wow it does not live up to the cliffhanger at all. fry being heartbroken over colleen was kinda? ig?? i feel like they couldve much more weight/tension to this movie by just cutting her out and making leela the cause. wouldve added more organic character conflict. but also maybe they thought they already did all of that in bbs so what do i know.

bender's game: guys i got nothing to say on this one. i barely remember the first half. i only remember the second half because i hated it.

into the wild green yonder: i liked the character dynamics and honestly i wasnt too offended because i feel like the movie wasnt striving for much. the plot is kinda ehhh the conflicts feel a bit contrived and thats saying a lot considering its futurama. benders just doing whatever... who gaf tbh. leela had a great start but honestly the more i think about this movies plot in particular the more i dislike it. wong gets away unpunished and this just never gets addressed. like not even in a satiric way which i found strange.

considering how this was - at least for a limited amount of time - the series finale it was really mediocre. fry and leela saying their i love yous right then and there felt sooo unearned and i love these two truly. which is why the writing makes me so mad sometimes.... but yeah i dont know if i particularly mind that they keep the characters apart (it certainly didnt help the plot) but reuniting them right at the end when the overall confrontration felt so anticlimactic kinda ruined the vibe...

end review: futurama has better moments and you can reeeally tell these guys are tv 20 min sitcom writers. yeah

[justsomefluff]

Can you do an ateez reaction where the reader gets jealous??

of course I can! took me a while lmao but thank you for being patient, here ya go, precious!

Hongjoong:

Low-key super oblivious to your jealousy

Like he’s having such a good time at whatever event your attending

Kind of gets lost in the fun

Loves making new friends and meeting people who share similar interests

And don’t get me wrong, you’re happy that he is happy

And you are so proud and love listening to all the compliments he gets on his work

You know how important feedback is to him, but you also know that praise is his weak point

(He deserves every bit of it too)

But some people really just don’t know where to draw the line

Sometimes people skip past his work and start complimenting his physical attributes and making flirtatious remarks about his great personality

Like yeah… I know his personality is great he’s my freakin boyfriend

If you say something like that under your breath and Hongjoong catches it?

LMAO

Giggling and excusing himself from the conversation immediately

Thinks its really sweet and funny, but also wants to reassure you

Maintains a steady balance of his attention on you and on networking for the rest of the night

Seonghwa:

I feel like Seonghwa is the type of significant other to be really in tune to your needs and just generally good at picking up on what you’re feeling

So if he thinks that something is bothering you or making you uncomfortable in any way?

Bye. We are leaving.

If you are somewhere that you can’t really leave (like an important business gala or something idk what famous people do)

He will just take you outside for a breath and a conversation

Tries to take your mind off of whatever you were thinking

Assures you that everything being said inside is strictly business related

YOUR BICEPS ARE NOT THEIR BUSINESS

He chuckles at you a little bit and pulls you into a hug when he thinks no one is watching

Will lead you back into the event and just do things to subtly remind you that he’s there with you

Physically and mentally

Holds your hands, keeps an arm around your waist, or just stands close beside you during conversations

Super sweet and just wants you to be happy and comfortable

Yunho:

Don’t take this the wrong way but…

He’s gonna make fun of you

Hard.

Like for real

“Oh you thought-? HA”

And if you’re pouting at his teasing, he’s gonna laugh more

Even though he’s dying inside because you’re so cute

Will say stupid, annoying things the whole time

“Ooh, would you look over there? My ex”

“That person has been checking me out all night, maybe I’ll go say hi”

And you’d whip around every time like ??? ‘Scuse me???

PSYCH

You’re like two seconds from slapping him in front of his boss and all his peers

But then you see that adorable, goofy grin of his

And all your frustration just sort of melts away

You know he only jokes because he finds it ridiculous

Like why would he ever look for someone else when youre right there?

But I’m sure you’ll find a way to get him back for being a brat somehow

Yeosang:

This one will not understand why you’re jealous

More the type to let you simmer while simultaneously doing things to soothe you

Will rub your back or your arm during conversations

Will brush a hair back from your face every now and then

But he’s not just doing these things to remind you that he loves you

No no

He is also doing these things so that whoever is hitting on him will take the hint

Like?? Shut up?? Go away??

And in the end, you forget that you were jealous and you’re more just irritated

Like quit saying weird things to my man

When they finally go away, you both look at each other with big eyes and sigh really loudly

But then you’re laughing because did that really just happen?

And he’ll tease you a little bit for being jealous before you both go back to talking about how creepy the other person was being

Low-key making fun of them; making up new ridiculous compliments that fit their vibe

“Oh, Yeosang! You know I’ve been a fan for oh so very long and I’ve loved watching your muscles grow!”

Discomfort pretty much forgotten, you just go about your night like that didn’t even happen

San:

Okay this fool

He thinks you’re really cute when you’re jealous so he’s gonna make it worse

Will be super sugary sweet with whoever is flirting with him

Thanking them and complimenting them back

Too bad the compliments are empty and he’s only using them to make you pout a little more

Eventually he ends the conversation because he thinks you’ll catch on to his evil plan if he keeps this up much longer

Drags you away into a quieter area of the event

“Were you jealous?”

He’s smirking because I mean… duh

“You were doing that on purpose weren’t you?”

If looks could kill he would be belly-up in the pool rn

But then he’s laughing and apologizing and trying to justify himself

“I mean how could I resist when it makes you look like this cute baby oooo”

Full squishing your cheeks in public like… sir

But he does it enough that you’re smiling again and batting his hands away from your face

When he realizes that he was successful in returning your mood back to normal, he’ll pull you back into the party

Mingi:

Does not realize you are jealous

Oblivious

Carries on the entire night like everything’s cool

Totally didn’t participate in mutual groping with some random fans

An awkwardly placed hand

An accidental brush against the wrong body part

I mean you know its not his fault

But ooooohhh did it make your blood boil

Literally doesn’t even mention it until you’re home because he genuinely doesn’t think anything happened

And you’re like??? Hello???

You touched their butt???

And then his face goes so red

Like you think for a second he’s gonna explode like those old airheads commercials

“I TOUCHED THEIR BUTT???? THATS SO EMBARASSING NOOOOOOOO”

But then you’re laughing at him because he is more horrified at the situation than anything else

He face plants on the couch and just yells into the cushions for a minute because my god how could he not realize

#mortifiedmingi

And then you’re the one comforting him explaining how the fan surely knows it was an accident and blahblahblah

But at least there was an easy solution to your problem lmao

Wooyoung:

I think that he will actually be concerned

Like if he realizes that you’re jealous he’s gonna think that he did something wrong

Even if its someone else’s fault that you were feeling that way

Hes gonna feel responsible

And he’s gonna wanna make you feel better

Will make some excuse about one of you not feeling well and hightail it out of there

When you tell him you didn’t have to leave the event just because of that he’s like Nono

And he’s gonna spend the rest of the night giving you his undivided attention and making sure you feel loved and cherished

Like I think he is gonna be genuinely worried about how this kind of thing will make you feel

Always wants you to feel safe and secure in your relationship

Never wants anything to damage your self esteem either

So if he thinks any of those things are in jeopardy, he’s gonna do something about it

Might tease you for it sometimes, but darker. emotions are something he tends to be gentler with and more serious about

Jongho:

Does not get the memo

Jealous? Who?

Has to be told by the members lmao

And sees you sulking somewhere away from him

Then he’s rushing to you like a confused puppy

Sits with you quietly for a minute because he doesn’t even really know what to say

“I feel like a bad boyfriend now” is what he chooses to open with

And then youre not jealous anymore

youre in protective mode

“Noooo, baby, why would you ever feel like that youre the best boyfriend ever”

And then he’s like??? Thought you were upset???

And you’re like… maybe

But who cares? Because he’s still a good boyfriend

I mean you know he cant babysit you at events and stuff and youre always happy when he’s having fun

Youre just a little selfish sometimes and want him all to yourself

But who can blame you?

And he completely understands because… well he feels the same way about you <3

[kawaii-puncher]

Character Chart

Character’s full name: Vera Ward/Draoskithe

Reason or meaning of name: Ward because she's an orphan and thats the last name they get, Draoskithe is her family name but she doesnt know that

Character’s nickname: Sparkles

Reason for nickname: She likes sparkles

Birth date: Nov. 9th

Physical appearance

Age: 23

How old does he/she appear: 23 but she probably looks 18

Weight: 156

Height: 5'7"

Body build: Fierce

Shape of face: I don't know enough about human anatomy

Eye color: Light Blue

Glasses or contacts: Nah she can see it all, 20/20

Skin tone: Pasety Sour Cream Child

Distinguishing marks: Birthmarks on her back that look like scars

Predominant features: Beautiful

Hair color: Pink

Type of hair: Soft, Long, and wavey

Hairstyle: That half up hairstyle but mostly down

Voice: uuuuuuhhhhhhhh

Overall attractiveness: 10/10, professional at the smolder

Physical disabilities: Super Clutzy and a Bad Ankle

Usual fashion of dress: Fancy

Favorite outfit: A turtle neck, cute skirt, leggings and cute shoes

Jewelry or accessories: Always wears a pair of black cross earrings

Personality

Good personality traits: Super kind and wnats to help everyone

Bad personality traits: Stubborn af

Mood character is most often in: Idk how to explain the mood, basically when youre in the whiney "whhhhhhhy" mood

Sense of humor: Cheesey Jokes

Character’s greatest joy in life: Dazzling the Room

Character’s greatest fear: Silence and complete darkness

Why?

Its creepy and unsettling

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?

Death Probably

Character is most at ease when: Spa Days or playing video games

Most ill at ease when: Someone is belittling her or treating her like she's an idiot

Enraged when: She thinks she did something great and is really proud and someone is like "well its not that great"

Depressed or sad when: Toy Story 3

Priorities: School/Education are at the top

Life philosophy: "Fuck it"

If granted one wish, it would be: To see a real life unicorn

Why?

Have you seen unicorns???

Character’s soft spot: She almost cried when looking at some kittens once

Is this soft spot obvious to others? No because shes allergic to a lot of animals (not all) so she stays away from them

Greatest strength: Thumb War and great at Lying

Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Parent Issues cause orphan

Biggest regret: Letting someone get close enough to her to break her heart and hurt her that badly, only she's allowed to put herself through that much pain

Minor regret: Saying yes to paying extra for rum in her milkshake on her 21st birthday

Biggest accomplishment: Not punching someone she really wanted to punch and just walking away. Also getting on the deans list

Minor accomplishment: Submitted art to a competition and heard some little old ladies talk about how much they loved her piece

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: Didn't know Reindeer were real until Highschool. Always thought they were made up like Santa. Also didn't know that you weren't supposed to eat mango skin the first time she had a mango, got weird looks

Why? Not street smart

Character’s darkest secret: She wishes she could just act out and destroy and break a bunch of stuff but she always feels like she needs to be on her best behavior

Does anyone else know?

No, its a secret

Goals

Drives and motivations: To be successful in life

Immediate goals: Good grades in school

Long term goals: Have a private lake and drink wine all day, relaxed

How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Work Hard

How other characters will be affected: she doesnt hang out all the time and puts school above everything

Past

Hometown: Seattle

Type of childhood: Grew up in a catholic orphanage

Pets: None

First memory: Crying because she tripped and a nun gave her candy and told her to keep it a secret between them

Most important childhood memory: Being told that she was still in the orphange not because no families wanted her but because the lord knew she was already with the family that would love her the most (it was nuns that told her that)

Why: Made her feel wanted

Childhood hero: She-ra

Dream job: To be a Journalist

Education: Highschool Grad, working on a bachelor's in college

Religion: Catholic but super chill about it

Finances: Not even enough for a chicken nugget

Present

Current location: Devildom

Currently living with: The Brothers

Pets: Does Mammon count?

Religion: Still catholic but now with a lot of Jesus puns

Occupation: Student

Finances: Still not enough for a chicken nugget

Family

Mother: Unknown to her but the name is Alice Draoskithe

Relationship with her: none

Father: Unknown to her but his name is Quincy Jameson

Relationship with him: None

Siblings: Half Brother on fathers side named Quincy Jr.

Relationship with them: None/ Jealousy later on

Spouse: None

Relationship with him/her: it would probably be good

Children: She accidentally killed a bamboo plants she cant be trusted with kids

Other important family members: Not family family but she grew up with 4 other orphans that were her best friends and Sister Helen was her favorite nun

Favorites

Color: Baby Blue and Gold

Least favorite color: Orange

Music: Legit all kinds but mostly a fan or Alternative Rock

Food: Mini Cupcakes are her favorite

Literature: Tess of the d'Urbervilles is her favorite novel, she wears a red bow from time to time because of it

Form of entertainment: Video Games or Drawing

Expressions: Happy? Honestly dont know about this one

Mode of transportation: Walking

Most prized possession: Her cross earrings

Habits

Hobbies: Drawing, reading, games, or gardening but shes really bad at it

Plays a musical instrument? No but she can play twinkle twinkle little star on an organ

Plays a sport? Please no

How he/she would spend a rainy day: Watching the rain and day dreaming

Spending habits: Clothes and Hair brushes

Smokes: nerds in games

Drinks: Wine. A Lot.

Other drugs: Edibles are cool

What does he/she do too much of?

Drinking

What does he/she do too little of?

Relaxing

Extremely skilled at: Organization

Extremely unskilled at: Gardening

Nervous tics: Nervously curls hair around finger or hums

Usual body posture: Confident

Mannerisms: Very Polite

Peculiarities: Always moving her hands and can't sit still, bites her lip a lot

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? Optimist

Introvert or extrovert? Introvert

Daredevil or cautious? Cautious when sober

Logical or emotional? She acts like she's more logical but 100% more emotional

Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Neat freak

Prefers working or relaxing? Working

Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Confident af

Animal lover? Yes

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: Doesn't belong wherever she goes but she can act like she does, but deep down she knows she doesn't

One word the character would use to describe self: Hopeful

One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: I'm invited because I'm fun to be around but thats just an act and it's not really me... or is it? I don't know anymore

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Second Chances are always accepted

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? She allows second chances to everyone

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? Really pretty hair

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? Dry skin

How does the character think others perceive him/her: they exist

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: their personality to fit what they think is right

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: Theyre pretty cool

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? When sober

Person character most hates: Elliot (an ex) and Henry ( the little shit that stole her cookies all the time in the orphange and lied about it but she knows it was him)

Best friend(s): Asmo and Mammon

Love interest(s): Lucifer and Solomon

Person character goes to for advice: Literally anyone, all opinions help her because she has no idea

Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Herself

Person character feels shy or awkward around: Lucifer

Person character openly admires: Lucifer

Person character secretly admires: Solomon

Most important person in character’s life before story starts: No one

After story starts:

I HAVE NO CLUE

Got this from here

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt.25

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25

alright!!! so this chapter is a little special. its a contest!!!!

for literally no reason at all, i decided to have a little fun with this chapter. in this chapter, there are a bunch of pop song references. the majority are from the early 2000s (before 2010, tho there may be one or two from 2011 or 12) and one is from the 90s. whoever can list the most references wins a drabble/short fic of their choice from me!

to enter, submit a list of all the songs that were referenced in this chapter (or the ones you could find!!)

shoot me an ask if you have any questions~!

mental support = nino, ebony = alya, draco = adrien, vampire = alya

i hope you enjoy!

17:20

mental support: a reminder that i hate all of you

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: u love u s

mental support: i can t believe you just made me listen to all of that what the fuck

draco malfoy: Now You Know

mental support: i wish i didnt

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: its so good so iconic also the writer is now a fukcing awesome published author and mari and i r gonna read her books together join us we can b the nerds with a book club

mental support: i just spent several hours listening to you three do a dramatic reading of my immortal i think weve gone past nerds with a book club

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: sounds fake

vampire: You cant say that wasnt a lot of fun though I forgot how wil d that fic got

mental support: i need to process

draco malfoy: Have fun

  5:02

draco malfoy: Reasons to quit modelling: Early morning shoots

draco malfoy changed his name to asleep in makeup

asleep in makeup: I can’t wait to be done today

  9:34

mental support: i am so sorry dude fingers crossed that your dad stops sending you to them

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: ^^^

mental support: al babe please change your name

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: f i n e uhhhhhhhh

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way has changed their name to aint no lie

aint no lie: baby bi bi bi

mental support: i dont know what i expected

aint no lie: pls choose a lyric and join me

mental support: youre ridiculous why do i love you

mental support has changed their name to fool for you

aint no lie: lmao sap

fool for you: true

  10:02

vampire: Oh my god we have so man y orders to day Wont be on Im dying Im gonna dronw in frosting

vampire has changed their name to too many cookies

fool for you: uhhh no such thing let me know when youre on your break i wanna stop in and say hi and also steal some baked goods pull you away from baking for a bit

too many cookies: My knight in shining arm or  <3

fool for you: mostly hoping for cookies deemed unworthy to sell but yes i can work with knight

too many cookies: At least youre honest

13:35

asleep in makeup: Get me out og hits hous e

aint no lie: omw get ready to leave boy i was in the area on a walk

asleep in makeup: Thnak s

  13:46

fool for you: let me know if i can do anything ok?? if you need to stay the night or something that super chill my moms wont mind besides they keep trying to invite you all to dinner

too many cookies: Same as what Nino said!!! And also what!! I love your moms Id love to go to dinner??????

fool for you: yeah but theyre gonna tell embarrassing stories

too many cookies: You say that like I wasnt there for most of them

fool for you: yeah but adrie nand alya werent

too many cookies: Ok true true

19:11 in PM between too many cookies and alseep in makeup

asleep in makeup: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6J1-eYBbspA

too many cookies: Why the fuck

asleep in makeup: I’m with Alya We’re listening to 2000 hits from the US

too many cookies: Of course you are Are you having fun And feeling better??

asleep in makeup: Yeah We’re cuddling and making fun of the music videos Mostly the fashion Also her mom brought home some food from the hotel so we don’t have to eat ramen which is both awesome and a disappointment

too many cookies: Mhm How hard are you pining

asleep in makeup: Shut up

too many cookies: You love me

asleep in makeup: Unfortunately Why are our friends just so Great Good Incredible Sos I’m getting emotional about them Mari I really love them what did we do

too many cookies: We have really great taste obviously

asleep in makeup: Man I have shitty luck

too many cookies: Or the best

asleep in makeup: That’s your department

too many cookies: True tru e Are you going to survive??

asleep in makeup: Yeah Cuddling with Alya is unfairly nice

too many cookies: Tell me about it Anyway why this song

asleep in makeup: Because I love you and just wanted to remind you

too many cookies: This is the worst way to tell me that But I love you too I have to go help my mom with dinner but Ill talk to you later <3 Have fun Dont die

asleep in makeup: No promises

20:02 in fucking clock hearts

aint no lie has renamed this conversation to tell your boyfriend if hes got beef

too many cookies: Wha t

aint no lie: THAT IM A VEGETARIAN AND I AINT FUCKING SCARED O F HIM

fool for you: what the fuck

asleep in makeup: We’ve been watching music videos for like 3 hours

aint no lie: im liv in g

asleep in makeup: My dad would die if he saw any of the outfits people are wearing in these

aint no lie: american pop music from the 2000s is wild join us

fool for you: i thik im good

asleep in makeup: Youre not

aint no lie: were not falling in love were just falling apart :/

too many cookies: Im too tired for fake deep al

aint no lie: rip im sorry babe

fool for you: can i break into the bakery and get a cookie i need sugar

too many cookies: Cn I convince you to watch a show with me or something

fool for you: duh

too many cookies: !!!!!!!!! Let me know when you get here Im just at the foot of the stairs braiding my hair Ill let you in  

  20:15

aint no lie: bo y why are all of 3oh3s songs fucking icon ci

too many cookies: 3oh3 is that supposed to like Mean somethin g

aint no lie: idk its just another word i never learned how to pronounce

too many cookies: RIp

fool for you: yo mari im here

too many cookies: !!!

  20:25

aint no lie: a;lsdkfjasdf things i apparently need to do add chloe on snapchat

fool for you: yo why

asleep in makeup: She just sent me a selfie of her wearing designer shades just to hide her face cause she took her makeup off

aint no lie: she is???? weirdly chill snapchattin g marhs whtf

too many cookies: Whtf???

fool for you: what hell the fuck

asleep in makeup: That might have to do with us having been friends since we were like In diapers Chloe isn’t the best person but we still talk for a reason

aint no lie: fair

fool for you: i follow her on twitter for her rants theyre ridic they make my day

asleep in makeup: Oh uh Nino can I come over when you’re done at the bakery?

fool for you: yeah of course dude!!! that offers always there

aint no lie: >:(

too many cookies: I take it you two had this argument alread y

asleep in makeup: Yup I feel bad invading Alya’s space for so long

aint no lie: youve been around all night before!!!!! its not a big deal!!!!!!!!!!! the party dont stop

fool for you: want me to steal some cookies from you

asleep in makeup: Stealing is bad

aint no lie: why are u leaving me!!!!!!!!!!!

too many cookies: Ill let Nino tak ethe cookies then its not stealing Also cant you have this con vo irl??

asleep in makeup: Yeah but this is better

aint no lie: yeah also were comfy on the couch and itd be weird to yell at each other when were sitting like this

PM between asleep in makeup and too many cookies

too many cookies: Rip

asleep in makeup: Please don’t make this worse

too many cookies: Come on Romeo

asleep in makeup: That’s not my name

too many cookies: Fiiine You ok?? I know youre going over Ninos Hes getting ready to leave btw but he just mentioned that in the main chat

asleep in makeup: Yeah I just Its been a really really messed up week

too many cookies: Fair enough Let me know if you need anything ok???

asleep in makeup: Thanks <3 Going from Alya to Nino will be fun

too many cookies: Tonight your e fallign in love

asleep in makeup: Very funny But let me know if you need anything too Ok???

too many cookies: I will <3 <3

in tell your boyfriend if hes got beef

fool for you: ok so how many cookies is too many cookies

aint no lie: there is literally no such thing weve talked about thi s

fool for you: i bet if you eat too many you could die

aint no lie: come on let me shake up ur world and change ur life eat All The Cookies

fool for you: thats too many cookies

aint no lie: eat all the cookies an d die

fool for you: youre just jealous that adrien is coming over

aint no lie: please this isnt even jealousy >:/

fool for you: bruh oh btw im leaving in like 2 minutes gonna steal you away from alya

aint no lie: n e v e r

asleep in makeup: Please save me she’s been playing the same song for like half an hour

aint no lie: listen hot stuff im in loe vwith this son g

fool for you: let the beat rock dude

asleep in makeup: Mari pl e a s e

aint no lie: i cant stop cause im haivng too much fun!!!!!!!

  21:35

aint no lie: i cant believe ive been betrayed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fool for you: youre so dramatic

aint no lie: this is the worst thing to ever happen o t me

asleep in makeup: Its not enough to say that I miss you, is it

aint no lie: no >:( tell me what i wanna hear and that is that ur coming bcak

asleep in makeup: Sorry Al

fool for you: yeah ive got a blanket fort set up still from last time so i win

aint no lie: shi t

too many cookies: Youre all ridiculou s You need to come back down t o earht Weve got bigger problems than this Liek the fact that I canT FIND MY SCISSOR S

aint no lie: r i p

fool for you: theyre under your chaise

too many cookies: What

fool for you: check

too many cookies: ……. Holy s hi t HO W

fool for you: magic

aint no lie: u might no t believe ur eyes but ninos magic

asleep in makeup: I thought I got away from this

aint no lie: nope <3

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington