#but i can also see her ending up on like. a gender studies track lowkey. much 2 consider

[submissivekillers]

*sees jennifer check needs more love* that's my WIFE i've got u. request for takin her out on a cutesy date?

wife life wife life wife liiife. i thought of a bunch of lil date ideas so hc list for now!! but would b happy to expand any of these to full fics uwu

not to start off sad but,,, i lowkey feel like jen probably hasn’t been on many cutesy dates before 

like i don’t get the sense that her relationships (with men) have been all that deep or long-lasting, considering the way she talks about them (particularly in this deleted scene - “placeholders,” doesn’t really indicate strong attachment.) and on another level, devil’s kettle just doesn’t really seem like a place with a ton of cute date options  

ANYWAY. this means that the fact you go out of your way to plan out cute lil outings with her just makes her fall even more in love with you!! 

in general, jen would really like getting ready together with you and coordinating your outfits a little before you go out! this doesn’t mean your style has to be as preppy-femme as hers or that she wants to go completely matchy-matchy - just something like coordinated colors or an exchange of accessories is enough. she likes knowing that the two of you have a united front, so to speak

though if you do lean femme, she’s def going to want to help do your makeup too. yes i am thinking about That Picture 

also as a general rule? she’s big on PDA. wants everyone in the world to know that this hot piece of ass is hers and damn is she proud. she’ll cut back on it if you’re not as comfy with it as she is, but she still wants to hold hands or hang off your arm at the very least (or just slip a sneaky lil hand in your back pocket when she’s feelin Frisky) 

now it might take a few minutes for jen to break out of the carefully-crafted Alpha Bitch™ persona, but she’d have a ton of fun on a carnival date. favorite rides are the death drop roller coasters or those insane spinning rides that pin you down by gravity or whatever. absolutely ruthless at bumper cars but makes up for the crushing defeat by winning you a billion plushies that are all bigger than your entire torso. will make out with you on the ferris wheel but will also make fun of you for being a romantic dork. worth it imo

coffee shop dates are another fun one, especially during exam season. she might not be able to digest human food now, but she still likes the smells of coffee and fresh-baked goods - and she’ll happily buy you whatever snacks you need to keep you going. once again, will affectionately make fun of you for being a nerd who makes study dates, but she’s got just as many notes to review as you do so don’t take it personally

am i projecting because i fucking miss coffee shop dates? what about it

when neither of you are in the mood for crowds or when it’s late at night and you just need to wander, the two of you will just hop into one of your cars and go. sometimes it’s semi-planned - you’ll pack some snacks, a little blanket to lie on, stuff like that - but there’s never a destination in mind. just driving around, talking and listening to music, until you find somewhere with a good view to park

if y’all pass an abandoned building of any kind there’s a 90% chance she’ll pester you to pull over and break in. jennifer check urbex icon

she definitely has a little collection of Stuff from dates: ticket stubs from rides and movies, the playlist you made for her on that night when you drove around for hours and ended up skinny-dipping in a random lake, the jacket you draped over her shoulders when she “forgot” to bring her own. each item comes with its own little set of memories of you

[raaven-nerd]

the epic mega tag of tags

I’ve been inactive for an eternity so I got tagged in a bunch of things by a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE (THANK YOU ALL FOR TAGGING ME I LOVE YOU ALL <3) 

So i decided to combine all these tags into ONE MEGA TAG!!! I’m sorry if I don’t have every single tag that people have tagged me in, because I was kinda... inactive lol 

I honestly have no idea how many questions are in here, but I’m really excited to answer all these questions. Subtle hint for you guys to ask me questions lmao!! My ask box is always open ;)

//INTRO//

Time: 9:00AM (i’m on summer break, i’m not ditching school rn lol) 

Name: Michelle

Nickname: Mich (pronounced mish,,) and Michy (fun fact: all my friends spell this differently but the correct spelling is michy!! At least that’s how i spell my nickname lmao)

Gender: Female

Nationality: Australian

Star Sign: Cancer

Height: like 157cm LMAO i’m really short

Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw (hence my branding lmao)

Languages Spoken: English, Cantonese (but badly), Japanese (but only because i learn it at school)

Dream job: GOOD QUESTION LMAO umm something medical?? But like if i was remotely talented, doing something creative would be really cool.

How many pets do you have: 1, I have a pet dog named Pepper

What am I wearing: A T-shirt from last year’s school musical that’s way too big for me and black shorts (and by that i don’t mean a T-shirt that was like part of my costume,, i mean like a merch kinda t-shirt?? but not really merch bc i was in the musical) 

Instruments/sports played: I don’t play any instruments ,, well i play ukulele badly lmao, and i play soccer and volleyball for grade sport :)

//ABOUT THE BLOG//

When did you make this account? Like,, 2 years ago?? YIKES

Why did you join studyblr? Honestly i don’t remember why,, probably bc i wanted to get better at studying and get more motivated

How many followers do you have? Surprisingly around 4800

Why I chose my url: because i’m a nerd,, and my hogwarts house is ravenclaw

//BELOW THE CUT//

Things about my personal life :000 (get that juicy goss!! lol not really tho my life is pre uneventful)

Study tips and my study routine I guess? Just about how i study lol  

Music/Book/Film/TV faves and other related thingos (aka how cultured am i?? again not really tho i’m just trying to make this sound interesting lmao) 

And some more just RANDOM things lmao (like some of these things get really random lol) 

//PERSONAL//

What are three basic facts about you? Okay so whenever a teacher asks me to introduce myself at the start of the school year, my default interesting fact is “I have a dog” and every single year the teachers are super amazed that i have a pet dog and it’s absolutely hilarious bc everyone else is like “I’m not sharing any personal information with you guys”, and the teacher ends up interrogating me about my pet dog.

That’s not a basic fact lol um.. My birthday is on the 15th of July, I’m the youngest of 3 siblings and I graduate in 2020 :))

What was the best part of your day today? Ngl this is actually a really hard question for me to answer because I am NOT in a good mental state right now… but probably watching Joe Sugg’s new vlog. That was a good way to spend a study break. OR REPLYING TO THAT ANON MESSAGE OMG everyone sending me messages saying that they’re glad to see me back just wow ;; i can’t believe people even noticed i was gone it’s just ahhughsgs thank you all so much <33 

Relationship status: um… single… yeah let’s just leave it at that

who is the first person you go to in a crisis, when you’ve had a hard day, or when you need to vent? Well… my best friend would be the first person i go to.. Except we’re on holidays right now and they have the worst reply game (bc they’re kinda not allowed to talk to me,,, it’s complicated lmao)

what is your love language? (if you don’t know it, there are plenty of love language quizzes on Google! I definitely encourage you to look it up and find it out for your benefit!) :ooo I did a quiz for this ages ago BUT I GOTTA DO IT AGAIN bc i forgot LOL 

OKAY i did it! I used 5lovelanguages.com so yeah.. Just in case anyone was wondering? But I guess my love language is quality time/words of affirmation and from highest to lowest it’s quality time (9), words of affirmation (8), physical touch (6), acts of service (4) and receiving gifts (3) 

what are the little things in your life that make you happy? Lmao all my friends bc we’re all SHORT AF.. but seriously,, just really small things can make me so happy, just being able to spend time with my friends makes me really happy?? Like we can just sit in (comfortable) silence, but i’ll be so content to just be there with my friends..  Quality time with friends?? thanks love language Does that count idk how to answer this

What is your favourite thing about yourself? Um physical thing?? Probably my hair tbh.. But like my actual fav thing about myself is um the fact that i’m empathetic, generally pre organised and good w/ time management and i can like teach myself stuff?? or maybe how i could be having the worst day of my life and i’ll still want to spread positivity and good vibes?? Yeah that’s pre cool 

what accomplishment in your life are you most proud of? Uhh i got dux of english a few years back? I was in the top 10 of 4 subjects last year so that’s pre cool? But tbh the accomplishment i’m most proud of is probably just going to the school I go rn.. OR surviving last year lol 2018 was a mess 

What’s one piece of advice to yourself a year ago? GIRL things are gonna be tough. Like really hecking tough. But it’s not worth it to hold grudges, there’s no point letting fear of what could happen stop you from doing things you want to do and you will survive and you will be stronger because of it. Don’t let what other people say about you get you down, yes, it sucks to hear people speculating about you and your private life, but they have no idea what’s actually going on, and they’re just curious . No one has anything against you. You are loved, and you are worthy, and you are strong. You got this.

what is a skill you wish you had? To play guitar!! Or to be able to sing!!

Name three places you’d like to go to. Richard Rodgers Theatre to watch Hamilton, Music Box Theatre to watch Dear Evan Hansen and the Warner Bros Studio Tour in London. (but also, Japan, London and New York)

//STUDY & ACADEMICS//

What’s your degree/favourite subject? Uhhh it was drama but i dropped that and the 2019 school year hasn’t started yet so.. Who knows?

What motivates you to study? The fact that I gotta do well and get good marks in order to get into a good uni course… and the fact that i just want to keep getting better,, and i don’t want to disappoint people and i also don’t want to do badly bc yikes its real competitive at my school so like lowkey fear of failure

What time do you do your best studying? Tbh it really depends, it’s either the morning not long after i wake up (esp if it’s holidays or the weekend), right after i get home from school, or like late at night if i get a burst of motivation (like sometimes i’ll end up studying from 10:30 to 1am which isn’t sustainable if i have to get up at 7 for school) 

Best self care tip for exam season? Don’t spend your time around people who get really stressed out. It only makes you more stressed, and you don’t need that extra worry. Positive vibes only. Stay chill!

Do you listen to music when you study? Yeah. I just listen to music with no lyrics and I’ll use @studyquill​’s playlist :DD

Where do you do your best studying? I do pretty much all my studying at home so.. home?? but i have this spot at school that i like to go to in the mornings when no one’s at school yet because it’s super quiet and i can get some quality work done there 

What’s your go to thing when studying? Write notes, do practise questions, draw summary mind maps and try to recite my notes from memory

//MUSIC//

put your music library on shuffle, list the first 15 songs

Oh boi this is going to be interesting

How Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran

Part of Me (Bonus Track) - Dear Evan Hansen

If I Could Fly - One Direction

Better Man - 5 Seconds of Summer

If I Could Tell Her - Dear Evan Hansen

Somebody to Love - Queen

Moving Along - 5 Seconds of Summer

Candy Store - Heathers the Musical

Cabinet Battle #2 - Hamilton

Guns for Hands - Twenty One Pilots

Sunrise - In The Heights

The Judge - Twenty One Pilots

Radio Ga Ga - Queen 

Defying Gravity - Wicked 

Shine a Light - Heathers the Musical 

Song stuck in your head: for some reason Acid Rain by Cimorelli just randomly came into my head when I woke up this morning?? so that i guess lol 

Last song you played: Alaska by Maggie Rogers

What are you listening to right now? well right now it’s Shine a Light lmao

what are your 5 favourite songs right now? THIS IS HARD OMG okay um Photograph by Ed Sheeran, Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix, Fire Away by Niall Horan, Walking in the Wind by One Direction and I discovered Light On by Maggie Rogers today so that too!!

What’s your favourite lyric right now? Darling you don't have to hold it/You don't have to be afraid/You can go 'head and unload it/'Cause you know it'll be okay

Fave artist? GOOD QUESTION.. I don’t have an answer lmao but I like 5SOS, Ariana Grande’s new songs, Ed Sheeran and the soundtracks to quite a few musicals but that doesn’t answer the question lol 

//FILM, BOOKS & TV//

Last movie you saw: I rewatched Crazy Rich Asians :))

Top three TV shows: lol i don’t watch TV but all times favs include Gravity Falls and The Simpsons annnnndd um… yeah I really don’t watch much TV lol

What are your favourite books? All time fav is Harry Potter, but rn my fav is probably 13 Reasons Why (i know it’s also a TV show so i might check it out!!)

Which ones are you currently reading or want to read? Right now, I’m reading Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver. I’m only a few pages in though.

What’s the most recent book you’ve read? Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella

//MISCELLANEOUS// 

Describe your favourite colour without saying the name! Soft colour of love

What’s your favourite season? Probably autumn

Favourite animal? My pet dog lmao (i really like dogs but i love so many animals but we’ll just say dogs)

Last thing you googled: ‘fire away lyrics niall horan’ because i wanted to check i had the right words lol

How many blankets you sleep with: 1

If you could be a celebrity, who would you be? Probs Emma Watson or Ariana Grande

What is the last text you sent? Ummm i’ll check AND i quote “I AM,,, somewhat certain that’s correct bc like.. I don’t have any confidence in myself”  I was talking to my friend about an assignment lol

Average hours spent sleeping? 7-8 ish??? But during the school term, it could be more like 6-7 but still ain’t that bad???

WOW THAT WAS LONG if u actually stayed throughout all of this and read it all,, (which no one probably did) umm dm me your fav lyrics of the moment? yeah do that lol i wanna meet some new people 

[chatting-leaves]

Maggie (or “Don’t lose hope, someday you’ll need it!)

November 2002, Poughkeepsie, New York

For most people, the period of life immediately following high school is one of great exploration in life, a way to wade the waters of the so-called "real world" before launching fully into adulthood. For many, it is a chance to go away to continue their education away from home, getting a taste of life somewhat on their own while building friendships and memories that would last a lifetime. Others take the route of a trade or a skill, while some others end up realizing that college wasn't their calling and fall into the workforce if they were so able. Then there was myself, an odd person stuck between all of these places.

Mom, ever the fearful person prone to fall in line with what empirical evidence she was confronted with, wanted me to go to community college first to "see how I would do" before transferring to a four-year college. Her reasoning was heavily influenced by the fact that every friend of hers who sent a child away to college, had them withdraw by the end of their freshman year and she wasn't going to shield such a risk given the debts it might incur. While in hindsight I will say I gained quite a bit and the typical "I don't know what to do" degree of an Associates in Arts in Humanities, my social life wasn't there as I had erected walls around myself after some early incidents where unsettled conflicts from one high school still stood while me running away from my past at another shooed away potential rebuilt friendships. My life could be distilled to classes and the work study job I had two days a week doing Human Resources work at a nonprofit. 

One Friday night in November, I was killing time in a chat room for teenagers; while I was 20, I was only a couple of months removed from my teens and related a lot better downward. In the background, I notice a person we'll refer to "goaliegal" and I make a beeline knowing that there is a probable chance that they could be good people. As a child, I wanted to be a hockey goalie badly until I figured out that balancing on skates was just not my thing and to say I didn't have a crush on at least one field hockey goalie in high school was a lie. I give the standard "a/s/l" greeting of the day and get something promising: "19/f/NY". This person was in my state! Rather than pollute the room with an awkward first conversation, we ended up going into a conversation of direct messages, away from a room probably teeming with middle aged men posing as twentysomethings preying on thirteen year olds.

As we talked, I got a feel for who "goaliegal" was. She grew up in a rural town south of Rochester, an area that might as well have been on another planet for my borderline Downstate self as I had never been west of Utica. She was a freshman at Buffalo State but already was plotting her way out as she was feeling a bit homesick. In her spare time, she was a goalie on the club team there but was itching for ice time which was in short supply. She then sent a picture and I was immediately smitten: long red hair flowed down an oval face adorned with glasses as she was otherwise in full goalie gear. We then swapped names, I complimented that her name of Maggie fit her well even if it seemed a bit unconventional for a person taking slap shots at up to 100mph.

I should say that at this point, I was the epitome of romantic desperation. My most recent date, a pair of arranged meetings with the younger sister of a sobriety sponsee that Mom had, went nowhere and I had not had a date of any sort in three years let alone a kiss or any contact. Any sort of positive attention from anyone of the opposite gender was something I hopped on like white on rice. Soon enough, the conversations between Maggie and I began getting very detailed with myself having a somewhat unhealthy obsession over certain things such as what she was wearing. If I couldn't be there, at least I could sigh in what I was missing had we been in the same room, clearly heading towards a heated makeout session.

As 2002 came to a close, Maggie's life path was shifting as she was transferring from Buffalo State to a college in the Rochester area in order to be closer to home. As my time at community college was one semester from its end, I was looking at other schools in the state university system to transfer to and one caught my eye: Geneseo, located right outside Rochester. If I was accepted there, I would be relatively close to Maggie and what existed online could exist in real life. We both felt that we were the one for each other going into the new year, clearly fate would help accelerate things.

Three days into the new year, things came crashing down. While on a two and a half hour plane ride to visit Dad, something in Maggie snapped and when I went to check things once I got to Dad's house a sobering bit of news came up: Maggie had a boyfriend, a local boyfriend, someone who would actually be able to do things with her. My trip which would have been a respite from Mom and her ways instead became me marinating in my own self-pity, trying to find a means to move on now that The One faded away. Nevertheless, I persevered until several weeks later when Maggie came back out of the blue. Instantly I forgave her and soon put in my application for five different SUNY campuses: Geneseo (for her), Stony Brook (Mom's family was nearby), New Paltz (the nearest to home), Albany (close yet far enough), and Plattsburgh (practically Canada). I got into four of those five, the one rejection coming from the most obvious of these five. At least in Albany, my eventual choice, she'd be the shortest drive away?

As Spring sprung, Maggie entertained the idea of inviting me out to visit her for the Fourth of July, my being inserted in the typical family events of fireworks and fish fries enjoyed by herself, her siblings, her parents, and the other new arrival of her baby nephew. I was elated at the idea of being able to share a holiday with someone I had grown increasingly infatuated with who I would be able to share a wide assortment of experiences with. Right as I was about to book the train tickets from Poughkeepsie to Rochester, something happened and things once again were off. Lather, rinse, repeat. I still held out hope in her, that perhaps someday things could work out. Eventually she became a background person in my life though if she came back wanting to be with me and only me I would have pushed away any local person to be with her especially as my emotionally damaged self was unsuccessfully navigating the minefield of romantic relationships.

The next year, fate and circumstances started to push us back into each other's path. I was seemingly certain that this time, unlike all the others, things would work. Needless to say I was in for a rude awakening when out of the blue one November day she hit me with the news that she was dating an old friend who lived across the border in Canada, a fellow hockey player going to university over in St. Catherine's. To say I was devastated would be a massive understatement in itself as by that point I felt I had no other options. I was socially inept on that front, gaslit from the past actions of my parents, bitter, jealous, angry, and just at the point of sheer hopelessness. Maggie tried to assure me but I was having no point of anything at all. Over the next few years she'd drop in from time to time but in my mind the damage was already done. Why string me along that much and then do an about face?

Going through the cobwebs of some old zip files archiving the contents of former computers, I found some old logs from the dearly departed AOL Instant Messenger from the above period that made me cringe at the pathetic desperation that I embodied with Maggie and overall, however that state is for another day. I also discovered some awkward late 2000's chats from a period where she was regularly commuting transborder to visit her boyfriend while I had settled down in the Washington, DC area. Analyzing these over a decade later, I can see an air of unresolved frustration, deep down inside yearning for Maggie or at least the idealized concept of her my mind had built up. We'd drift in and out, I do remember her congratulating me for finally finding someone who I was compatible with when I began dating my now-wife in 2010 but after that point I felt that I could close the book on Maggie. I finally had someone, why would I need to have her around?

Three years later, I end up getting curious about certain people and end up running a search on Maggie. In the years since, she ended up moving across the border - having a Canadian parent and dual citizenship from birth helped - and had recently married the man she pushed me aside for all those years earlier. She also had little social media presence, no publicly findable Facebook, no Twitter, nothing I could send a request on outside of all things Pinterest. Naturally, wanting to make a lowkey reintroduction into her life, I shot her a friend request on Pinterest. Within an hour, I got a request on AOL Instant Messenger from one of Maggie's old screen names. I accept only to find her complaining at how dare I track her down on Pinterest of all places and for the who-knows time to leave her alone.

This is probably the only time in recorded human history in which AIM was used in regards to Pinterest, two mediums at different eras of the internet interacting with one another. I moved on and did all I could to forget her, for once I thought I had really moved on.

By 2017, I had moved on, a difficult task for me to undertake especially for someone who never gives up on anybody when lo and behold one afternoon I find a request in my New Message Requests folder on Facebook Messenger. It was Maggie, the previously unfindable Maggie, apologizing for her past actions. Being a pushover, I accept and save some fits and starts we've spoken ever since. Soon enough, I realized that years of marriage behind me that in some ways, we wouldn't have meshed that well as a couple, my naiveness and desperation would've eaten me whole had I done so. Save for some fits and starts, it's gone relatively well and Maggie is the sort of person I know who will usually reach out by default, a stark change from years ago. This would be the end of the story, only it isn't.

July 2019, Scarborough, Ontario

My wife and I had been planning a trip up to Toronto for years and soon as our new passports came in I was given a litany of ideas from Maggie of what we should do during our trip there, scheduled coming out of Canada Day while enveloping Independence Day in the United States while also straddling a baseball series between the Blue Jays and Red Sox. Originally, we were to meet Maggie before a game one of those nights, then that got jostled around. She invited us to the museum she supervised volunteers at the time, that would've been too much of a headache. Then an idea came up: the zoo.

For those not familiar with Toronto, the Toronto Zoo is as far east in Toronto as you can get. It's halfway to the farther out suburb where Maggie and her husband made their home. As our trip there was via several modes of transit and Maggie was headed into Toronto anyway, she volunteered to pick us up. Only issue: my wife didn't know the circumstances of how I knew Maggie.

Our trip came as Toronto was under a heat wave, the humidity quite oppressive with the ever-Canadian Humidex pushing 40 degrees Celsius. Trekking through the zoo left us exhausted, worn, and all-around tired, the heat taking a toll on our bodies. Waiting in the little zoo cafe, I got the question I was waiting for my wife to ask.

"So, how do you know this 'friend'? Is she some old girlfriend?," she sarcastically tailed off. It had become a bit of a running joke between us that anyone I listened to in the past was automatically a "girlfriend", a sign of my desperate nature then mixed with my ability to listen that never will leave. I then spilled the beans, finishing right in time to see a black pickup truck make it to a dropoff area. After sixteen years, what 20 year old me wanted was finally happening at age 36.

Maggie and I hugged instantly and it felt all worthwhile. Had I not fallen head over heels with her as a desperate younger me, she would've been the great female friend I really needed, the close-in-age sister I wanted to a degree, yet I blew it. As we worked our way into Toronto on local roads, dodging the mess of Highway 401, Maggie quizzed my wife about who she was, what she did, how dealing with me in person on a day to day basis went. Somewhere underneath the scaffolding holding Toronto's aging Gardiner Expressway up, I realized something: Maggie and my wife are largely one and the same. Similar personalities peppered with heavy sarcasm poking out of introversion, same height, same attitudes, similar likes and dislikes. Perhaps awkward younger me had gotten the happy ending they sought. Even how Maggie spoke of her husband made me realize that he and I had a lot more in common than I had thought, especially given how much more put together he came off to my hurt mind a decade and a half earlier. 

While our time together was short, less an attempt to meet for dessert after said baseball game when both of us were tired and achy, it was one of the best memories I had that year. My only regret is not getting a picture of us three, a reminder to be brought up for the rest of my life that sometimes hopes and dreams do come true!