#but i am not my sibling. she shouldve been able to talk to me just fine.

[transgaysex]

my dad straight up is either on Do not disturb or he turned off his phone Or rejected the call. i will not be sleeping tonight

do you guys think 2nd week is too early to be missing class already

[ghostiebopper]

12/5/2024 —more venting i guess

sibling is a relapsing alcoholic and they're been (allegedly) drunk as recently as this morning. ive smelled an acetone scent on them when in close quarters with them a few times, and my research says thats a sign of like, heavy drinking. i havent for the past few days, and they (not to shame them) literally dont brush their teeth but stanky breath and body odor doesn't smell like Actual Acetone, and I know what acetone smells like. like i own and use it for cosmetic purposes.

so i probably shouldve told someone that. i told mom this morning.

anyway. in my opinion (which doesnt mean that much) sibling needs intervention yesterday. they need actual help so bad. but my mom is in this state of "well if it gets worse..." mom its worse. its so worse. it can definitely get EVEN worse but its already worse. please fucking do something. call her therapist. i dont care do something.

"they're supposed to find a support group" they wont. they havent. honest to god i dont think they were going.

they told mom (which no, mom shouldn't have told me, but she did) that their group "disappeared"

alcohol support groups cannot vanish. people are dependent on them. i severely doubt that they straight up vanished without saying a word. they probably warned people well in advance, both verbally and via email, because they cannot leave people who may be literally on the precipice of suicide hanging like that.

sibling was not going. i have not 100% been sure of this but i've been pretty sure. they lie so, so frequently. we want to believe what they're saying in good faith and i love them dearly, but they are STILL coping in a way that is to their own detriment as well as everyone else's. they get away with everything because we all fear how they will react if we actually dig deeper.

i say "we" but i have honest to god not been (and do not intend to) touch this issue directly. not my job. sibling doesn't want to hear that from me, i dont want to talk to them about it.

but it is my parents' job and they wont do shit!!!

mom has these soft expectations that are not grounded in reality and i dont think my personal situation is very helpful to the grand scheme of things. i have changed a lot, but mainly driven by my desire to be independent and not be a burden on my family for the rest of my fucking life (now, im not saying that sibling definitely feels like they DO, but i dont think they are aware of this as an issue overall). i hope mom doesnt see me, who has always been Quite different from my siblings as a "oh! this'll also definitely happen for my other children and i dont need to do anything, this will Eventually straighten itself out :)" oh my god please fucking do something

"they're supposed to do xyz" literally what evidence do you have that anything will ever change ever especially without an ounce of intervention. what grounds do you have to believe in these little wishes you have. that probably sounds harsh but oh my god this has gone on so long.

on a fundamental level i have always sought help. i cannot say, definitively, that my siblings definitely dont do that—but, in the limited scope i have on them, it appears to me that they are not driven for treatment the same way i am/have been in the past.

i was able to make things happen for myself. i experimented. not everyone can do that!!! i know that!!!

but where i have always tried to be as honest as possible when discussing my mental health, so i can get actual help, i struggle to picture that my sibling is the same. they lie so often about even the most mundane shit, just to get the interaction over with as soon as possible.

it's frustrating to see the people you love stuck because you want to help them...but this situation is not one i can personally fix or remedy. if sibling doesnt want help, if they cant say "help lol" they're not going to get it. they will keep getting worse.

in my non-professional opinion, as a non-addict, sibling needs to be in the hospital.

i am saying the following objectively, not in a way meant to convey judgement (because i have been in a very similar, dark place, many times!):

they cannot even shower. they do not brush their teeth. they are severely depressed. they are dependent on substances. they do not get dressed. their room is frequently covered in trash. flies live in there. their living space is a mess. they have not gone to school in weeks. they are lying to everyone, because if they were actually honest about what they're going with they would already be in the hospital. they are not functioning. this is not normal.

honest to god i dont think anyone around me really understands how bad this is. i dont know if theyre suicidal but if i was them i sure fucking would be. but even if they're not, they are not functioning. THEY ARE DEPENDENT ON SUBSTANCES.

the other thing that bothers me besides the obvious implications is that. this is so normal for this household

this sibling has been like this for years. we're used to it. nothing is going to change. things will probably get worse.

but they dont have to. there's so much potential for things to get better.

but nobody will take responsibility for what's going on. NO ONE. again, that's not my job. i think i will actually vomit blood if i tried that shit and i have no desire to.

and like, to an extent, if this situation is what everyone wanted that'd be different. if we were okay with it i wouldnt be upset or complaining, i'd just be worried, but...

as things are i cannot handle the stress every time mom comes to me like

"omg im worried about your sibling"

no shit so am i. what are you going to do to change anything?

"i might call their therapist"

ok do that.

"i really wish they would—"

me too. are you actually going to do anything or just complain

"well that's kind of—"

*at this point i leave before i explode*

so like. obviously. i cannot tell my parents what to do or dictate the things that go on in the household i live in. i know that

but im allowed to be upset. im allowed to be frustrated. im allowed to say "i fucking hate this and i wish things would get better" but theyre not and the way things are going they definitely wont

ive written all this and i havent even scratched whats going on with me personally but also i am stressed to the point im nauseous right now and want to sleep for 8 hours. so bye

[spohkh]

GOOD AFTERNOON I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION! Please tell me how Dean and Cas would have been if they were raising baby Jack! Also do you think Claire would have babysat for her little brother sometimes if their dads were on a hunt?

HELLO SARAH thank u for this ask that was designed to drive me, specifically, ins*ne ❤️

i feel like... okay. oh this is going to be SO rambling i apologize in advance. 

but ok so we KNOW for a fact that dean is a dad like he is just A DAD it is so integral to his being. he's caring and attentive and isn't afraid of the fact that kids can be gross or annoying because he recognizes that they are KIDS and need patience and care. so i feel like at first dean would just take over the bulk of the care for jack bc its just natural for him at this point. (IM THINKING ABOUT HIM BOUNCING THAT BABY IN WHATEVER EP THAT WAS AND ITS MAKING ME WANT TO CRY. HE IS SO GOOD WITH KIDS HES MEANT TO HAVE KIDS HES SO FULL OF LOVE!!!!) and cas ALWAYS looks to dean first when it comes to learning How To Be Human™ so he'd be watching what dean does to emulate him. i imagine theres a lot of "no no no--you need to support his head like THIS", and, "oh that means he's hungry here this is how you should hold the bottle", at the start of their care for him

GOD WASNT DEAN ALSO HUMMING A ZEPPELIN SONG TO THAT BABY HE WAS BOUNCING IN WHATEVER EPISODE THAT WAS (PLEASE SOMEONE DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT EPISODE IM TALKING ABOUT) HRRGHRGRGHGH LED ZEPPELIN LULLABIES BUT BETTER THAN THAT--BETTER THAN DEAN HUMMING HARD ROCK LULLABIES TO BABY JACK--CAS BEING LIKE OH YEAH THATS GREAT AND CASSSSSS HUMMNING HARD ROCK LULLABIIEISSS TO BABY JACKKKKK I AM GOING SUPERSONIC. 

ALSO its important to rmmbr that jack ISNT fully human so there will be things that only cas will be able to take care of. my fuckng god they really are the perfect pair to care for jack oh god im getting emotional. i have no idea what those angel-specific needs would BE.... like god when jack is especially fussy and his unchecked powers start to come out dean is like okie doke time to tap in the angel husband i cannae handle getting laserbeamed by my infant son rn 😌✌🏼 and cas is like honestly id rather deal with jack trying to suplex me into the fuckng wall than change his diaper. quite simply i must admit you humans are kinda nasty at times god bless. but yeah jack would have ALL of his needs addressed thanks to having a human dad and an angel dad which i think is so key!! and is smth that they did kind of have in the show but due to um fukcng EVERYTHING else going on i felt like his human side was kinda neglected and wasnt developed as much as it couldve/shouldve been, which led to, yknow, a lot of dangerous misunderstandings. jack certainly needs and deserves to have his WHOLE self nurtured and recognized.

also wow itd be so nice to have an eldritch interdimensional being who technically doesnt need sleep as your co-parent bc dean can get ALLLLL he blissful sleep he needs while cas takes care of the nighttime baby needs! UGH perfect

AND YES. OF COURSE CLAIRE WOULD BABYSIT JACK. GOD IF EVER THERE WERE A GIRL DESERVING OF A YOUNGER SIBLING. she has older sister syndrome ANYWAY. also shes dean kin so i think itd be REALLY funny if dean is like are you SURE youre okay to take care of him? remember hes a nephilim like he has powers it can be really dangerous when he gets too worked up. actually forget it we'll call rowena or something i dont want you to get hurt. and claire is like dad. for real. just fuck off and go kill the werewolves or whatev i got this. and when they get back from the hunt they come back and jack is like fast asleep beside claire, who is ofc completely fine, and deans like did nothing happen??? claires like WHO do you think youre talking to of course its all fine he was a perfect angel (snicker snicker) because he likes ME. like jack goes down so easy for claire hes just always so calm and happy with her, never fusses, dean is like WHAT gives like not wanting to admit hes a little jealous that jack has never tried to laserbeam HER and shes like what can i say? sibling privilege. we have an understanding :) like father like daughter shes just a natural caregiver. dean is so proud. cas is so proud. they are so happy. oh my god. they love their kids so much. 

in conclusion. dean and cas would be the most loving parents a baby nephilim could hope for. just today MY dad said to me that parents never want their kids to experience the pain that they have experienced themselves. he said that bc i was upset he wouldnt teach me how to change the light fixture in my closet bc there was a live wire and he didnt want me to get shocked like he has in the past BUT THE SAME PRINCIPLE APPLIES where, i feel like ESPECIALLY for dean, they would do their utmost to raise jack (AND claire) with the care that was so lacking from their own childhood experiences. 

dean certainly tried with sam and did a good job, but he was a kid himself then and wasnt fully equipped to provide all the emotional support a child needs. now, as an adult in a supportive, committed relationship, dean will have the chance to REALLY devote himself in the way he was always meant to. 

and cas...well... whats more human than caring for your child? everyday his love deepens--his love for dean, his love for their little house, his love for the honeybees and the clouds in the sky. all things he was never meant to have any feelings for, he just loves and loves and loves more because of the little life he has with dean and claire and now his little baby. everyday he becomes more himself because of his love for his family, and he pours all of that back into them. he is just so adoring. he listens to every sound jack makes with keen attention, committing every nonsensical syllable to memory, because its all important. he wants to make sure jack knows how loved he is and how recognized he is and how appreciated he is, just for existing. he wants jack to feel seen and known, in the ways he never was by his own father.

the way dean and cas are with baby jack is that they try. fundamentally thats what its all about. just trying. because u love so much. thank u

[cryingovernarry]

i realized i never actually never share anything about me on this website, like, i never really write about stuff thats happened/is happening in my life or about stuff i like and whatever. and like. im the type who’s great at oversharing (shitposting) lmao but apparently never on tumblr i guess?? its not important but yeah i just realized it. ive had this account since april 2012 i think? never made any friends on here tbh i just exist in the background quietly liking or reblogging stuff, and never do anymore than that. and no one will actually care or read this so MIGHT AS WELL am i right ladies and gents and non-binary friends. so heres some good and shitty stuff thats happened in my life

2017 was a good concert year for me i think (please bear with me ive got bad memory) (thx depression) i finally saw ed sheeran (one of the best concerts ive been to even if the people next to us kept talking throughout the whole concert) then i saw shawn mendes (hes baby) i went and saw little mix all by myself (snatched that barricade too!!) it was incredible and i miss them. i was lucky enough to see niall and harry too on their tours and ill never get over that. oh, and niall retweeted one of my tweets so thats something. (im trying to play it cool bc its been over two years it Should Not make me Feel Like This anymore right) i also went to germany in 2016 on december 31st to celebrate new years with my friend who i met through the internet (thanks internet) and i stayed there for a week (shouldve known itd go all downhill after that)

so, while concert-life was on top, my personal life was at bottom and it would only get worse in 2018. 

early 2017 my mom started to feel...sick. her body was hurting all the time. she was in so much pain without knowing why. apparently she had some kind of rare blood disease. it all went so...fast. suddenly she was in and out of hospitals, she got worse, the pain even more worse. some days she could barely walk and all she could do was cry. it’s horrible seeing your own mom like that. knowing there was nothing you could do. i did my best though, i moved back home to help her with my siblings becuase their father is a piece of shit who never helped my mom even if she was sick. she was at her lowest and he didnt care and he only made her worse. but i took on the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings, and mom. as much as i could. while my older sister came home almost every weekend so she could help too. our grandma did her best too. we all tried so much to help mom. 

in september my mom called from the hospital. she told me her disease has turned into leukemia. this was the first time i cried with my mom. 

she did all kinds of chemo, got isolated at the hospital. wasn’t allowed to go out or sometimes even see her own kids. my sister and i took turns staying with her at the hospital though. i think the longest i stayed with her at the hospital was two weeks straight. 

when the results of her last chemo came back the doctor said the cancer hadnt gone down as much as they had hoped. they said my mom could do one last chemo but that was it, if the cancer wasnt gone after that there would be nothing more they could do to help my mom. because her body wouldnt be able to handle anymore. my mom was a fucking fighter, she had no hesitation about it. 

she was allowed to come home for christmas and the new years. no one knew it would be our last one with her. 

it turned into 2018 and she handled her last chemo pretty well. didnt affect her as much as the others had. she was allowed to come home for the weekend in february. she was so happy to see her kids again. she felt good. but she wasn’t. she really wasn’t. i think that weekend was the worst in my life. 

on march 20th, 2018. after a month of being in a coma, she passed away in her sleep. my wonderful mom, who fought to get better for her kids, who had been suffering for a year, finally got to rest. she wasn’t in pain anymore. 

seeing your mom taking her last breath really fucks you up in some type of way. 

she left six kids behind her. 

my mom always supported me going to concerts. she’s a big music fan herself and she knew how much going to concerts meant to me. always got excited when i told her about them, always listened to me. always listened when i played her new songs or albums. two days before her passing i saw harry styles in concert, tickets bought months before. i wasn’t sure i was even going, but i knew mom would’ve wanted to so i did. i wasn’t at my best during that concert, sat down for most of it but i cannot explain how much seeing harry meant to me. he really helped me feeling better for some hours, made me laugh and smile. i’ll always be grateful for that.  a month after my moms passing i had tickets for another concert, that was for niall horan. i really didn’t think i would be able to handle it, but i did it for mom. knew she would’ve wanted me to go. my friend was a great distraction, and we also met some lovely people in the line and i was so grateful. i will always be thankful for niall, even if he made me cry during flicker. he really helped me too, without knowing. saw 5sos too after three years at the end of the year, with my childhood best friend who i hadn’t seen in over a year. concerts really is the best medicine. at least for me.

i felt so lost without my mom, i still feel that way. some days i have a hard time believing she’s actually gone. your mom isn’t supposed to die when your’re twenty one. she’s supposed to be there next to you while you’re trying to figure out your life. 

i’m gonna be honest with you, i don’t really remember most of 2018. and i don’t think i actually want to remember either. 

2019 has been slightly better so far. saw disney on ice (incredible). in april we finally went to london. something my mom had always wanted too, so i took the necklace i got her years ago and brought it with me to london so at least a piece of her would be there too with us. 

on the first day my older sister and i saw shawn (hes still baby). we also went to madame tussauds (finally met one direction yall), went on london eye, walked to the buckingham palace. took a bus to warner bros studio tour of harry potter. that was fucking incredible. drank disgusting butterbeer. london felt like a dream. 

-

i still don’t know what to do with my life, i don’t really have any dreams. im currently living with my grandma and she really doesnt want me to move out lmao. and i feel bad for leaving her

-

so that’s it i guess. hi everyone who hopefully didn’t read any of this. my names amanda and my lifes a mess and all tangled up but that’s okay. thats what everyone says. gotta focus on the good things happening in your life. and don’t take your family and friends for granted. please. 

also heres my face ft. my harrys tour tshirt. be nice please. okay bye.

[earthghoul-mp4]

Family reunion (Warning it gets pretty angsty)

 Emi heard a knock on the front door. “Who....ASHE* GO GET THE DOOR!” Almost immediately Ashe emerged from his room and got the door. Emi had already left the room and was setting up of dinner when the door slammed shut. “Ashe? What the hell?!” Ashe had looked as though he’d seen a ghost “What? Who was it?” Ashe made a hand signal for ‘Brother’.  “Eugene is upstairs dumbass-” Ashe shook his head and signed for ‘younger brother’ Emi froze “He’s here?” Ashe nodded quickly “Well- Dont let him in!’ Ashe nodded and went outside the door and closed it behind him. Emi ran upstairs to tell theyre parents “Emi-? Whats wrong?” Emi stopped to face Eugene “Him” Eugene’s eyes widened “Was she with him” No one used Mitsuki or Raijins name since they left, Emi shook her head and turned back to their parents room. “Mom, Dad?” From the other side of the door Emi’s mother answered “Yes, dear?” Emi cracked the door “Its him...” 

Ashe stood outside the door face to face with Mitsuki. By now he’d be about 17 since it had been 4 years since he and Raijin left. Raijin? Mitsuki shook his head. Ashe’s whole world seemed to freeze. Maybe Raijin just wasnt with him and she’d be on her way later? Maybe she had work and couldnt make it... Right? Mitsuki looked at the ground which was all Ashe needed. Ashe leaned against the door to try and process the death of his sister, Mitsuki seemed to be hurt more than he let on because he looked ready to cry Alone? Mitsuki nodded and put up 2 fingers. Ashe never got the chance to actually look at Mitsuki. Since they’d seen each other...Mitsuki was different. His hair was a lot shorter. He wore a sleeveless top with stripes and black jeans with a belt across his waist. He didnt seem to be wearing make up and had one thick braid on the side of his head. Ashe kinda cocked his head in a questioning manner. Mitsuki laughed quietly

Emi went downstairs with her parents behind her to the front door where Ashe and Mitsuki were. Mitsuki looked Emi dead in the eyes and scowled. “Mitsuki-” Mitsu piped up to correct his mother “Mitsu! Not Mituski” His mother looked confused. “Pardon?” He folded his arms “You heard me, Mother. My name is no longer Mitsuki.” She rolled her eyes “Where is Raijin? She will always be welcome here”

“Awww~ I missed you too Momma!” 

His mother scowled and looked him up and down. “What is that nonsense your wearing? No respectable lady would put....that...” She looked him up and down again, gesturing to his outfit, “on her body..” Mitsuki simply flashed his mother a very clearly forced smile. “Thats because I’m not a female momma!” His parents looked confused “I’m sorry?” His father asked “You heard me- I am not of the female gender, At least not today-” Emi simply rolled her eyes “Whatever- Anyway do we let him in...?” Eugene appeared and answered on behalf of everyone “Yes, Yes we do.” And pulled Mitsuki in by his wrist. “Ack- Gene!?” Eugene hugged Mitsuki close, They had a considerable height difference with Eugene being roughly six feet tall and Mitsuki at only about 5′1. 

“Geez- You taller than Ieft you! I thought we agreed no more height-” Eugene laughed. It had been almost 4 years since he’d heard any of Mitsu’s jokes. “Its been to long little brother!” Mitsu punched his arm “Hey! Im only younger by like- 3 years!” Eugene ruffled his hair “Still younger!” Mitsu looked offeneded and was about to punch Eugene again when his parents brushed past them followed by Emi and Ashe. “I can only imagine you came to tell us something. The only reason your not out already is becuase we would in fact like to talk.” Mitsu looked uneasy. In his head “We want to talk” translated to “You fucked up...again” Mitsu follwed behind Eugene to his old room. He had shared it with Raijin for a little bit at one point because she didnt trust him to be on his own “You really kept in tact?” Eugene leaned against the doorway “Mom and Dad tried to tear it down a few times so I camped out here until they quit trying to. I knew you’d come back, It wouldnt be for long but I knew you’d be back and I wanted you to be able to see your old room just as you left it” Mitsu smiled “Thanks Eugene” Mitsu could only imagine all the bullsh!t Eugene had to take trying to keep this room in tact, his parents were terrible and he knew they wanted to just forget his whole existence. “Hey, You okay?” Mitsu shook his head and sat down on his bed. “Whats up?” 

Eugene noticed how miserable Mitsuki looked, “Hey...You can tell me, alright? Its better than just burying it and keeping it all locked up.” Mitsuki sighed and took a few deep breathes ‘This wont be good...Will it?’ Eugene thought. Mitsu looked up and him teary eyed and made a few gestures. ‘If Mistuki’s all choked up, This is bad..’ Mitsu took an exasperate breath before explaining to Eugene to Raijin had died. Eugene almost couldnt believe him but seeing how hurt and upset Mitsu was, He couldnt deny it. Eugene took a deep breath and pulled himself together, He could feel bad for himself later, Mitsu obviously never got to properly grieve or even cry. “Mitsu...Its okay to cry..” Mitsu shook his head “Raijin made me promise not to cry for her...” Eugene hugged Mitsu and he broke down. “All those years of holding back tears...Feels good to let it out, yeah?” Mitsuki gave a tired nod and Eugene chuckled “Tired?” Mitsu shook his head “Nope- I’m fine! I’ve had a decent sleep schedule!” Eugene knew that was a lie but he decided not to push it “Alright..”

-----------------------------------------------------------

Mitsu decided on the safest option. Sitting between Eugene and Ashe. Ii had been a whle since he’d actually sat at the table with his family and quite frankly, He didnt miss it. The tension was high and Mitsu didnt do well under stress. “So, Mitsuki...Where’s Raijin? You left together why didnt you come back together?” His mother asked in a rather snippy tone “Already Momma? Cant I catch up on what I missed here?” Eugene piped up “Ashe is going to college-” Mitsu actually looked suprised “For real?! Ashe you said-” He paused and looked over at his parents. They didnt know Ashe didnt want to go to college. “-That you were really excited but I didnt believe you’d go through with it” Ashe nodded “Well- I cut up dead bodies and find theyre killer” Mitsu gave a very mischiveous smile and looked at his parents. “Well...isn’t that...nice..” They all passed a plate of Mochi around the table. Ashe was the only one who made Mochi and he dose a damn good job of it too. “You shouldnt even be here...Shitsubo...” That was it. Mitsuki already hated Emi but that was the last straw. He stood up slamming his hands againt the table “If I wasnt here you would have never know that Raijin was shot and killed!”  Emi and his parents’s entire demeanor changed. “We were out on a walk through the park...there was a drive by...and I was too far to try and save her...” Emi stood up and almost jumped across the table “Its your fault! Rai never did anything wrong! You shouldve been the one to die! NOT HER!” At this point Mitsuki was seeing red. Did she not hear him? Raijin had gone ahead while he wasnt looking “WELL EXCUSE ME LITTLE ‘PERFECT’! ITS NOT MY FAULT SHE WANTED TO RUN AHEAD!” Eugene was holding Mitsuki in place because he wouldve knocked her out already “DID YOU EVEN TRY? TRY TO GET TO HER IN TIME? OR DID THE SHIRKER JUST WATCH IN HAPPEN?!” His parents watched in disbelief. Ashe looked ready cry, Mitsuki and Emi were at eachothers throats. It seemed that Eugene was the only one with a grip of reality. 

“EVERYBODY STOP!” Mitsuki covered his ears and Emi froze. Everyones eyes focused on Eugene. “Emi stop blaming everything on Mitsuki. You know damn well he wouldnt have let anything happen to Raijin.” Emi gave him a stone cold look. “Dont make me jump across this table...He’s a liar and an argr!” Eugene looked her dead in the eyes “You feeling froggy?....Leap” 

--------------------------------------------------

After the whole ordeal, Mitsuki decided to just leave. He couldnt stand his sister, his parents were terrible. There was nothing left for him here, and he didnt want to make life harder on Eugene and Ashe. His parents had willing to let him stay the night so thats when he left. He waited until everyone was asleep and he packed up what little he had left here that was worth bringing. As Mitsuki went down the stairs he noticed Ashe waiting for him. Ashe hugged Mitsuki tightly knowing that the next time theyd meet would be in another life. “I’m sorry Ashe...” Ashe shook his head and held onto Mitsuki’s shoulders “No...You have nothing to apologize for” Mitsuki adnt heard Ashe speak since before he left, Ashe had been mute for so long Mitsuki couldnt remeber what his voice was like before. Ashe gave Mitsuki 4 bracelets. One for every sibling. Even if Mitsuki hated Emi with the passion of  1000 fiery suns, He’d be devastated if anything happened to her.

-End-