#but i am not fixing all the tenses this js supposed to be therapy dang it!

[pokeybananas]

Please note; This post is not meant to make anyone mad.or offend anyone. At one point I realized I would get offended for the church, which isn't very healthy to be honest. This post is just a reflection of how I view myself and the whole church situation since I left. Feel free to think of me as the aunt you can ask anything to. Whatever you're going through, you're not alone (whether it's because God is with you or no human experience is new) (but seriously, ask for help).

It's really weird looking at the culture of a faith you once sunk so much time and energy into (I'm talking literal YEARS of my life), especially as the leaders start to heavily hint that it's the end times' or that the second coming of Christ is getting close (but mostly it's near end times for the leaders, because they average around 80 years old in age).

I have grown so far beyond them and what I was taught growing up. I've learned that I don't need a man to emotionally or spiritually fulfil me or save me from my sins. That my worth as a woman is not predicated solely on bearing and teaching children. I've known greater peace outside the church than I ever did in (I'm talking my anxiety levels have gone waaaaay down, turns out when you're not super worried about your eternal salvation and sin percentage you need to get into the highest level of the celestial kingdom, you can just focus on being a good person, not to mention not having to have such a handle on your natural man). I see a bunch of the double standards that have been used to confuse people for generations (eg people who call out the leaders getting excommunicated, how nearly all the leaders are related to each other in some way down to the founder, and their careers were all very high paying jobs, never like the manager of a grocery store, and many more). And when you try and step back into that space you feel like you're in a zoo, looking at one of the enclosures, busy with little friends. (Note: I don't mean to call the church a zoo or the members animals, it just best fit the vibe of how I feel so distant from it all now. I'm realizing going back to your old house or hometown might be a better fit but this is the best bit of writing I've done in a long time and I ain't changing it)

You see some members huddled in the corner, whispering amongst each other about The End. Some hunched over, a side effect of a well worn life, and some straighter, not having Father Time beaten them as badly. Their huddle is impenetrable, unless they see the same anxious duty in your eyes.

You see another younger group wearing rainbow and full of hope and enthusiasm, as well as high levels of anxiety, poking and nudging some of the Elders, who sit in a big white building on a hill, waving their hands around excitedly, telling them about all the wonderful things happening outside of the enclosure (the youths, not the elderly). The youth are trying to climb, desperately trying to capture their attention, however The Elderly groan and wave them off. The only changes The Elderly ever make don't seem to be that popular, or are very superficial.

They pay you no mind as they go about their busy lives, but you can't figure out why they're so busy. You're not affected by what's happening (except the DESTRUCTION OF THE SALT LAKE CITY TEMPLE INTERIOR WHICH I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT'S MY HERITAGE!!!) but it all feels so distant, and so much less loving than the enclosure you were raised in. You wish for the youth to see what's going on and not fall into unhealthy patterns that they were taught. You have a lot of feelings about a lot of things. But mostly just feel peace (AND A BURNING RAGE ABOUT THE SALT LAKE CITY TEMPLE INTERIOR). These, have been your people for as long as the Church has been around.

I will continue to ooz peace and love from the outside, because the Elders and their doctrine never truly accepted me for who I was at my core. I never accepted me for who I was at my core until 2024 (the core of me is gay, apparently pretty gay. Having that awakening is 29 is something, let me tell ya).

I always want to be a beacon of love and hope and peace for others. A listening ear for those who have doubts or need help or a hand for those who need resources. My asks are always open (but my anonymous isn't, I've had someone bully me for my spelling -Jane Austen was also an awful speller, and I'm MUCH better then when I was 14-, or you can DM me directly, I won't make it public) (if you wanna insult me you have to do it publicly)