#but i am exhausted so this is alll lmao

[set-phasers-to-whump]

you’re safe now

prompt: hallucination

whumpee: eddie diaz

fandom: 911

hi! here is some eddie and hen content bc i love these 2 so much... i hope you like it! (also sorry about the title i hate it so much but i cannot think lmao)

Eddie is acting off. Sort of spacey and out of it and generally just very much not himself. It’s weirding Hen out, and she can tell by the looks she and the rest of the 118 are sharing that it’s weirding them out too. 

Nobody has said anything to him yet. Bobby had told them that, “he’ll tell us what’s wrong if he feels ready,” and “as long as it’s not affecting his job, I’m not going to pry.” Which Hen gets. She knows how Eddie is. It’s just that she also really wants to know, wants to help, if she can. But she isn’t sure that she should ask in the first place. And Buck (who would absolutely ask, and in fact, probably would have already) is off today, so he’s not talking to Eddie about it either. 

“Do you think we should talk to him?” she asks Chim, in a quiet moment when the both of them are sitting together on the couch. She glances pointedly at Eddie, who is sitting at the counter, staring off into space with a blank look on his face. 

“Do I want to? Hell yes. Do I think we should? Probably not. You know Eddie.”

That she does. But still. She has a feeling this is more than an off day, more than just being a little out of it. 

Her concern for her friend outweighing her respect of his privacy, Hen gets up from the couch, determined to sit down next to Eddie and gently pry until he tells her what’s wrong. 

She doesn’t get the chance. She’s halfway to the stool next to Eddie when he shoves himself up and stumbles backwards from the counter. Hen hurries to steady him, but he’s already moving away, backing up until his back hits the wall. 

“Eddie?”

He sinks down, scooching himself sideways and into the corner. He looks like he’s shaking. The color has drained from his face and his eyes are wide and he looks afraid. It’s a look Hen has rarely seen on him, and now she knows something is really, seriously wrong. 

She approaches him slowly, carefully, narrating what she’s doing until she’s crouched in front of him. Eddie shows no signs of even being aware of her presence. 

This close, she can hear his erratic breathing, and she can feel heat radiating off of his skin. He has a fever, and a bad one at that. Hen’s about to call for help when Eddie sort of eliminates the need by screaming. It’s raw and terrified and loud and so completely unlike him that it makes her jump. 

“Eddie!” Hen says, trying desperately to get his attention. He stops screaming but then just sits there, panting and shaking and making these soft and scared noises that tear at her heart. 

“What’s going on?” Bobby is running up the stairs to the loft, Chim and Probie close behind him. 

“I’m not sure yet,” Hen says. “He’s got a fever and he’s panicking but -”

Wait a minute. It’s much more common in children and the elderly, but…

“He could be hallucinating, if his fever’s high enough.”

“Eddie? Can you see me?” Bobby asks, stepping in closer.

No answer. Eddie pushes himself further into the corner, like he’s trying to get away from Bobby, who takes a few steps back.

“Can you hear me?” Hen tries.

Nothing. 

But Eddie doesn’t back away from her, so Hen reaches out a careful hand and touches the inside of his wrist. He doesn’t pull away. 

As she’d expected, his pulse is racing. She counts the beats. “His BPM is at least 180, but it’s increasing. Cap, we might need to get him to the hospital. Especially if he is hallucinating.”

Bobby nods. “Chim, go prep the ambulance. Hen, try and calm him down so we can actually get him into it.”

Chim nods and hurries down the stairs, with Ravi following behind him. Bobby stays, but positions himself further away from Eddie and Hen. 

“Eddie?” Hen tries, again. “Eddie, can you look at me?”

She carefully places a hand on his cheek. His skin is blistering to the touch and he unconsciously leans into her cool hand. Hen wonders how exactly they missed this all morning. Then again, Eddie’s always been good at hiding things. 

“Eddie? Please look at me. I promise you, whatever you’re seeing, whatever’s scaring you, it’s not going to hurt you. You’re safe. You’re safe, Eddie. You’re at the 118. You’re with me, and you know I’m not gonna lie to you. You’re safe.”

Finally, Eddie looks at her. The eye contact is unnerving and frankly heartbreaking. There’s a mixture of fear and grief and pain in Eddie’s eyes, and Hen doesn’t think she has ever seen him this vulnerable. 

“Hen?” Eddie’s voice is low and unsure and fragile, but it’s there. Hen sighs in relief. 

“That’s right,” she says. “It’s me.”

“I saw...there was…” She can hear the panic in his voice, which has just confirmed her suspicions - hallucinations. He doesn’t need to talk about them right now, though. That is certainly not going to help him relax.

“Shh, it’s okay. It wasn’t real, it was just a hallucination. Whatever you saw, you’re safe now.”

A look of confusion briefly crosses Eddie’s face, but it’s quickly replaced with one of exhaustion. 

“I don’t feel good,” he says, and some of the fear is now bleeding out of his voice and his face. Hen relaxes slightly - he seems to have stopped hallucinating, at least for the time being. And he’s now able to focus on how bad this fever must feel.

“I bet you don’t,” she says, sympathetically. “You’ve got a pretty high fever.”

Eddie hums in response, leaning his head back against the wall and letting his eyes flutter closed. Hen taps his cheek lightly. 

“None of that,” she says sternly. “You’re going to the hospital.”

That catches his attention. “Why?”

“Because you have a fever high enough to cause hallucinations. You need medical attention, and before you say it, I don’t count yet. You need a doctor, and that’s what you’re getting.”

“Okay,” Eddie agrees. Hen takes that as an indication of how bad he must feel - normally, she imagines he’d be fighting tooth and nail to avoid going. 

“Okay?” Hen asks, and he gives a small nod. She stands, then, and reaches her hands down to pull Eddie to his feet. 

He leans heavily into her when they stand up together, his body heat soaking right through her uniform. His fever is probably at least 104, and the fact that he is standing at all is a miracle. 

“Let’s get you taken care of, okay?” Hen asks, beginning their slow, awkward walk down to the ambulance. 

“Okay,” Eddie agrees, doing his best to walk along but mostly just hanging onto Hen as she walks for the both of them. He stumbles a bit as they hit the stairs, and Hen pulls him closer, not letting him fall. 

“I’ve got you,” she promises, as his hands cling even more tightly onto her shirt. “I’ve got you.”

thanks for reading this! i hope it wasn’t too bad :)

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 299: No Chains Left

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi was all “and then AFO broke out all of the inmates from six other prisons and took a nap. well anyways, here’s the hospital angst.” Kacchan woke up two days later and was all, “WAIT BUT HOW ARE DEKU AND TODOROKI AND ALL OF THE OTHER CHARACTERS EXCEPT IIDA DOING” and then we cut to Shouto’s room where the other U.A. kids were sitting around being Mutually Traumatized and giving each other moral support and such. Everyone was alll, “...”, and then the rest of the Todofam showed up, INCLUDING POSSIBLY REI?! which, omg. The chapter ended with Kacchan STOMPING THROUGH THE HALLS all “WHADDYA MEAN DEKU HASN’T WOKEN UP YET”, dragging along Satou and Mineta behind him, fueled by the power of ALL OF THE FUCKS HE NOW GIVES. He gives so many fucks now you guys. This boy cares so much he can probably deduct it on his taxes.

Today on BnHA: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO GIVE A LOT OF FUCKS, the story cuts abruptly to Hawks, freshly recovering from his near-death experience, and pondering the threads that have weaved the tapestry of his life and led him to this moment. Basically he grew up in poverty with his Jerk Dad and Jerk Mom until his dad got arrested one day and his mom sent him off to go Find Money Or Something, and so he rescued a busload of people and found himself a new career. Back in the present day, Hawks and Jeanist ride around town in Jeanist’s Jamborghini having awkward encounters with civilians in a country on the brink of social collapse, and visiting Hawks’s mother’s home. Hawks is all “I know from an outsider’s perspective it must look like my life currently sucks, but now that the HPSC is gone, my public image is shot, and my parents are finally out of my life, I’m actually feeling SURPRISINGLY GOOD.” Anyway so he’s gonna go meet up with Endeavor now, and p.s. this chapter was fucking fantastic though, damn.

oh my god?? is this Hawks narration?? something about him growing up watching the heroes on TV and thinking of them as fictional characters

okay I scrolled down a little bit more to see the rest of that “Keigo” panel, and wow

this is basically a shed. poor boy definitely grew up rough. let me tell you guys, I came in here ready for some BakuDeku shenanigans; I was not prepared for Hawks Flashback Angst. I AM HERE FOR IT, but also wow I gotta brace myself now lol

HELLO MISTER HAWKS’S JERK DAD, SIR

BnHA sure does have an array of Jerk Dads, doesn’t it. makes me appreciate characters like Masaru and JirouDad all the more for bucking the trend

anyway. so Horikoshi, you really thought that one itty bitty chapter of hospital catharsis would be enough to calm us all before you went right back to showing us child abuse huh. my god man can we rest

BABY HAWKS

swear to god this kid can’t be more than five or six, and yet he has this completely blank look on his face even with his dad looming over him being all threatening and shit. like he’s shut down his emotions to protect himself. imagine what has to happen to a child for him to have learned this at such a young age. fuck

AND MEANWHILE THIS GUY

don’t mingle with humans?? not “other” humans, just humans?? what is this implying here?? and also holy shit Hawks definitely didn’t inherit his looks from his dad orz

then again he doesn’t really bear much of a resemblance to his strung-out mom here either

omg omg omg. and this child is basically trapped here in this environment with these two people. this explains a SHITLOAD about Hawks’s personality though you guys. his ability to completely separate his real thoughts from the face he presents to the outside world. his pragmatic approach to analyzing and solving problems. his layers of emotional walls. turns out almost none of that came from the HPSC training -- that was all learned hands-on in his own personal do-or-die survival nightmare childhood!! oh, boy

and small wonder then that he latched on to Endeavor so strongly if he really is the one who brought down his dad and inadvertently saved him from this. also, just putting this out there, I know people are always talking about him and Dabi being foils, and I think it’s very interesting how Touya grew up in a household where he saw firsthand the dark side of hero society, and so ended up becoming a villain in order to bring it down. whereas young Keigo had almost the exact opposite experience, growing up experiencing the dark side of villain society and becoming a hero in order to bring about a world where no one else has to experience that. just. both of them are so determined not to become their fathers. some interesting parallels there

so Hawks was sort of an accident after his parents had “thanks for helping me not get caught after I killed that guy” sex, and now this little boy is growing up in squalor and being beaten by his father for things like Sitting In The Wrong Out-Of-The-Way Corner Trying Not To Be A Bother To Anybody. holy fuck. this is so rough to read through you guys

wait so does Jerk Dad have a an eyeball manipulation quirk?? because he doesn’t have the wings like his son, but wth are these things??

this presumably also means that Keigo has never been to school or anything either. he basically doesn’t exist. he thinks heroes are fictional characters, he doesn’t realize that they’re real people. these are people who could help him if he could escape and find them, but he doesn’t know, and they don’t know about him

OH MY GOD HE’S JUST SITTING IN HIS CORNER HUGGLING HIS ENDEAVOR PLUSH OH MY GOD

how could this child possibly have an anti-fandom when he’s done NOTHING WRONG HIS ENTIRE LIFE. huh. just explain that to me. lol I mean I’m not looking to pick a fight with anyone, but also, MAYBE I AM, idk?? this kid has gotten me all riled up lmao

anyways, Protect Keigo 2021, and thank you Horikoshi for these three very terrible pages. I am pleased to inform you that you’ve effectively gotten your point across and you may now commence saving this kid already

YAY

oh no, Keigo’s dumbass jerk dad tried to steal a car and the popo nabbed his ass and now his mom can’t just sit around neglecting her VERY YOUNG SON all day long, oh horrors. sorry lady my tiny violin is on backorder. just imagine that I’m playing a very sarcastic song on it for you

anyway so what are you gonna do now, abandon him? I can hardly imagine he’d be worse off, if anything it might be a near-instant improvement

LMAO HE’S ALL “WAIT WHAT ENDEAVOR’S A REAL FUCKING DUDE?!”

AND THEY SAY THAT A HERO CAN SAVE US~~~~ I’M NOT GONNA STAND HERE AND WAAAAAIT~~~~~ I’LL HOLD ONTO THE WINGS OF THE EAGLES, WATCH AS WE ALL FLY AWAAAAAAY~~~~

lol what a randomly pivotal moment in his young life. TIME TO GO MAKE THESE MEMES INTO DREAMS YOUNG ONE

anyway so his mom freaked out and grabbed him and they wound up at a train station with her TELLING HIM TO GO GET HER SOME MONEY, oh my god. SURE MOM LEMME JUST WALTZ RIGHT ON DOWN TO THE “JOBS FOR FIVE-YEAR-OLDS” STORE AND TELL THEM I NEED SOME CASH. ffff manifesting someone to come help him in 3... 2...

...

SIGH, JUST GO RESCUE THE PEOPLE FROM THE BUS, KEIGO. is this the outfit he was wearing when that happened?? it must be, right?? I can’t imagine them surviving more than a couple days out here unless this starts getting REALLY dark in a way I know that even Horikoshi won’t explore, so yeah. cut to the HPSC now please. never thought we’d be glad to see them. I mean sure, it may be an “out of the frying pan...” case, but good god

THANK YOU!!

and I guess it was his mom’s eyeball quirk then. anyway, whatever, see you again never, hopefully. lol oh man. thaaaat, was upsetting. need to center myself here for a sec. NAMASTE

OH YAY THE PRESENT

so we cut from Baby Hawks Angst straight to Present Day Hawks Angst, huh. not that this exhausted and traumatized lil lad isn’t still a baby to me too, I’ll have you know

BEST JEANIST, ALWAYS WITH THE JOKES

“WHEW, THOUGHT YOU DIED ON ME FOR A SEC THERE KID.” lmao. Caleb will no doubt ruin this by making his word choice all stiffly formal as usual, so I’m just going to treasure this “WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, I’M FRESH OUT OF FUCKS” version of Jeanist while I can

look at him, driving his Jeanistmobile

again, is it any wonder Kacchan was bitching about Endeavor’s dinky little car when he was used to riding around town in style like this. anyone else staring at this panel trying to figure out how this car is somehow secretly made of jeans

NOOOOO

FUCK YOU DABI LMAO. PUTTING THESE VOICE ACTORS OUT OF A JOB ONE BY ONE

anyway so Jeanist is all “GOOD THING IT’S THE FUTURE AND WE’RE SO GOOD AT MEDICAL SCIENCE” to handwave how Hawks went from one step shy of being a very handsome corpse, to sitting around texting Jeanist in a car all of two days later

OH MY GOD, AND FINALLY AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS

wait a minute. I’m so confused lmfao. soooo, was Hawks all “anyway, here’s Jeanist’s dead body, you can examine it but please don’t look at him too closely and also I’m gonna need that back unharmed.” how tf did you pull that off lmao

(ETA: also isn’t this technically confirmation of the ol’ Noumu Jeanist theory lol. I’m gonna go ahead and say it is.)

NO BUT PLEASE, CONTINUE. I unironically love reading Horikoshi’s overly convoluted “SEE IT’S NOT A PLOT HOLE” explanations

lkldslfk so wait, you’re telling me Hawks convinced Dabi and the League to put Jeanist’s body in storage, and basically just hoped they wouldn’t use him for any experiments until he could put his plan into action and have the HPSC’s people break in and find and revive him?? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG. A FOOLPROOF PLAN IF I’VE EVER HEARD ONE

fff this man really asked Jeanist to risk it all to prop up his little cover story, and Jeanist was all “sure why not” omfg. anyways, thanks for recapping all of this out loud for no particular reason in your car conversation you two

LMAO NOW WHAT

TROUBLE YOU SAY? GOOD THING THE NEW NUMBER ONE HERO IS ON THE JOB THEN

okay no it’s just some random thugs strolling around terrorizing the downtown. fuck ‘em. so Jeanist is making short work of them now

uh oh

won’t come? not can’t, but won’t?? what???

WOW

well I guess that makes the local heroes A BUNCH OF SHITHEADS now doesn’t it?? jesus

and okay, serious question, if the cops are spread too thin and the heroes have literally walked out on the job, what exactly is stopping everyone from deciding to use their quirks to defend themselves, legal or not? nothing, as far as I can tell. society just got a hell of a lot more chaotic

anyway so this is an interesting panel here

man, Dabi really did pull it off, didn’t he. well anyway so here’s that better world all of the villains were wanting, you guys! isn’t it so great?? everyone’s terrified and angry and losing hope and society is inches away from collapsing into total anarchy! but hey, at least we exposed the number one hero as a hypocrite

anyway so what are these guys up to

fucking hell, he’s visiting his mom. I really wasn’t prepared to commit this much emotional energy towards reading this chapter today. BUT VERY WELL, WE PRESS ON

?? wait she’s not there?

is this supposed to explain how Dabi knew who Hawks really was? except that there’s the little matter of how he even know where to find his mother in the first place. feels like we’re still missing something there, but oh well

OH MY GOD

RHA I TAKE BACK EVERY WORD I EVER SPOKE AGAINST YOU. YOU ARE A SCANLATION GROUP FILLED WITH ANGELS LMAO. I WILL TAKE THIS PANEL IN MY HANDS, AND TREASURE IT AND KEEP IT SAFE

ANYWAY, BECAUSE MY TIRED BIRD SON’S LIFE SUCKED SO MUCH ALREADY, IT TURNS OUT HE’S ACTUALLY PLEASED WITH THIS NEW TURN OF EVENTS LOL HOW ABOUT THAT

GOOD FOR YOU BBY. YOU GO OUT THERE AND BE YOUR OWN PERSON

and in all seriousness, I love that identity he chooses -- chooses, because it actually is him making a choice now, possibly for the very first time in his life -- is “guy who helps people”, though. it really is nothing short of miraculous that he held on to that kind of optimism and desire to do good even with everything he’s been through. there were so many times he could have chosen to turn his back on the world in retaliation for the way it treated him. but he didn’t!! and here he is now, finally free, and what he wants to do with the rest of his life now is simply to help others. anyway please excuse me for a moment, I need to go find some sort of basket or a big vase to put all of my fresh new Hawks Feels in, pardonne-moi

YEAH BOIIIIII

“FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS, MISTER JEANIST, WHERE DID YOU FIND YOUSELF THAT SWEETASS CAR.” hey, all I’m saying is if this boy’s wings really aren’t growing back, he’s gonna need to find himself a new means of transportation y’know?

oh my god you guys it’s a flashback to his mom buying him the Endeavor plushie when he was like two because, and I quote, ALL MIGHT WAS TOO EXPENSIVE

oh my god oh my god. my boy out here with a new lease on life finding hope in the darkest of times

wasn’t your throat supposed to be all fucked up lmao. Horikoshi was suddenly all “oh shit the VAs are gonna be pissed at me if I keep this up huh”

“that’s why Bubaigawara was such a great guy” motherfucker IT IS A TERRIBLE DAY FOR RAIN. FORECAST SAID NOTHING ABOUT THIS

:’)

yes ma’am. yes indeed. confirmed, I really will straight up fight some motherfuckers for this child. well not really, but YOU KEEP YOUR DISCOURSE OFF MY LAWN AND OUT OF MY BLOG YOU HEAR. THIS IS A HAWKS-FRIENDLY SPACE. WE RESPECT TAKAMI KEIGO IN THESE STREETS

and he’s saying (or is he thinking?? what a weirdly shaped speech bubble this is) that even if what Dabi said about the Todoroki household is true, “I’m not sure it’s the same now.” which happens to be ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. man this whole chapter really is all about saying “fuck the past” and moving forward and I am living for it

SON!!!!

“the first step is at my beginning” fklkjlk. what an iconic fucking line??

AND HIS WINGS!!!! THEY ACTUALLY ARE GROWING BACK AHHHHHHH. “PUT A RAINCHECK ON THAT CAR, JEANIST-SAN.” THE HAWKSMOBILE CAN WAIT, RIGHT NOW HE HAS TO GO INSERT HIMSELF BACK INTO THE TODODRAMA WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT

you guys. I came here ready for some BAKUDEKU HOSPITAL ANGST, and I got DIDDLY SHIT of that, and none of my other kids were even in this chapter, but!!! ASK ME IF I CARE LMAO omg. because bird son is hanging with his new best friend, and he’s out here Finding Himself and picking up the pieces and putting them back together stronger than ever because RESILIENCE HAS A NAME, AND IT’S SPELLED H-A-W-K-S, and you guys. profound, my love for this child. holy shit. hey google, play Silence by Marshmello

[wolgrahas]

not to be horny on main bbbuuut....

it’s a fuck-ass long rant so beware lads ;’)

i just want to find someone who i can have a deep connection with and.... fuck a lot ahgagahahssjkd

i’m  a virgin and i’m horny and i have severe social anxiety and i wanna fuck with someone afdhsdagsdshs, but... with someone i love ://

and the worst thing is that i’ve been reading a lOT of smut aka written porn with felings the past days and fffffcukkkk i just wanna have someone i can share my body with and both feel good... and i’m 20 which makes everything worse bc i have never had sex and neither i’ve been interested in anyone (just... one boy... in high school... who was the only one who treated me well and well... i was 14 and fucking depressed and my family and friends treated me like shit so it was like “oooooh shit, someone who treats me well... now i wanna fuck him :))” it was kind of weird tbh, tho we didn’t even talked that much sfhfsgdagsfsdc) 

and one of the worst things is that... if i hate my (naked) body so fucking much that i can’t even show it to my mother, nor sister..... and especially any doctor (and worse if they’re a man afshsfahsfg) (and yes, a gynecologist has never checked on me agswfgdfgf) how the fUCK AM I GOING TO BE NAKED IN FRONT OF SOMEONE???? i mean... in the dress up rooms i had to change my clothes in one of the bathroom’s cabins while the rest of the girls dressed up in front of each other... and i remember the first time i had to take a shower in a broading school and i.... started crying in silence bc the glasses that separated every shower weren’t opaque :)))) ffuck... i just hate being this weak... i wanna cry m8

i’m losing the chance of meeting wonderful people and having great experiences bc of my mental illnesses... bc they make me feel like shit with such simple stuff like buying food in a supermarket or take a walk outside??? g0D i’m sooooo fucking tired man.... i just wanna be able to talk to people like a normal person, i don’t even want to be the life of the party ://

i’m so desperate to find someone who i can have a deep connection with... bc i have never had someone who understood me fully... who had the same interests... who we could share the same points of view... who i could be intimate... i have nEVER been myself with friends, sometimes i was myself with my family but they called (and keep calling me) stupid for expressing how i’m feeling or my thoughts... i just want someone who i can rely on... 

i was used to be alone most of my life... but this emptiness... this loneliness... this... hatred towards.... myself??? it is MCfucking exhausting, i can no longer stand it, i’m tired. but... what if i’m a manipulative, toxic lil bitch with my partner??? what if i’m an asshole??? what if i.........  fuck things up??? what if.... idk man, i just think that i will be hateful bitch... bc my family always told me that i was a “psycho” and a “snake” some years ago... well... my mother was the one who used to tell me these things mostly.... bc at first i hid my hatred towards her, but at the end i didn’t even care if she got offended tbqh and also: she’s a fucking abusive bitch agadfahd, bUT... i was angry, so sO fucking angry at them, so misunderstood and so alone... so... hated....i felt so guilty bc my mother is a single mother... and sometimes i thought she would had prefered if she had aborted me (even she told me that some months ago when we were arguing ahgdfhadghadg). besides, my life was a living hell in elementary and  high school... and then come back home and see that they treated me the same way wasn’t something quite wonderful y’know??, and i told them numerous times about how the bulies made fun of me and criticized my physical appearance (they constatntly called me “ugly” and even nicknamed me in elementary/high school lol) and they just usually said: “fight back” and i always thought: “gREAT BITCH, how can i fight if i stutter just looking at the bullies?????” and they were a group of six i think??? idk, and ofc, they were boys another point to prove why men suck :)))

now, how the fUCK can i have someone special in my life if i get nervous by just hearing people of my age come closer???  fffUCKKKKKKKKKKK bc in the php center i shared these thoughts and the other patients and therapist were like “but you have to meet new people to find the ‘special’ one :)” bITCH thank you i cOULDN’T EVEN KNOW THANKS FOR YOUR FUCKING ADVICE ughhhhhh, obviously i knew that shit, i just wanted to get it out of my chest and they just told me obvious stuff?? ok thanks... perks of being the only one who had severe social anxiety / avpd in the php center i guess??? ughhhh, obviously i smiled and said “thank you” bc i’m not an asshole :))), perhaps a fake bitch for not saying my real thoughts?? maybe

and besides... i haven’t talked about this with my psychologist, and i think is one of the most important things that is happening in my current life, bc srsly: i’m horny aLLL THE FUCKING TIME, but i don’t even wanna fuck anyone real, in my fantasies my partner doesn’t even have a face, it is just... the enjoyment of sharing something with someone you love and both having a good time, to be intimate with someone... but irl if a guy touches me like a handshake or touches my shoulder i become so fucking tense... with women same but not as much... i remember one of the php center therapies was massages and g0DDD i hated so fUCKING MUCHHH bc idk how the fUCK therapists didn’t notice how tense i was m8, i wanted to run away when we had that therapy and... ughhhhh i thought i was gonna die when my companion was a guy shghsfghf i just wanted to kick him the balls and run the fuck away and cry like a baby

and what i also hate about my situation is that i know lOTS of theory about: psychological and other forms of abuse when you are in a relationship (so basically, you can know when a guy is being an asshole, tho it’s not that easy bc you are in a such a bad mental state that you don’t even notice), advice when going to parties (which... tbh... i’ve never been in one, and in spain... people party a LOT agsfgfs), human physiology (y’kno... for the... ahem... sexual stuff  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), tho it’s useless bc the first time is nothing like you expect gdnabdnhgjad i guess??), postures, etc... and NO, I DIDN’T GET THIS INFORMATION BC OF PORN (basically, bc the porn industry is an industry full of abuses, sexism, unrealism and darker stuff y’kno, so... ahem... i hope the men in that industry leave women alone and those same women choke those men to death :))) ) i got it mostly by articles by sexologists and .... y’kno... people on the interenet which... i know is not a good idea ahaghhghgghgsa 

but anyway... i know i don’t have to rush... but.................. i wanna meet someone who i can be myself with??? who i can hold hands with?? who i can share the same interests?? who i can be... ahem... intimate??? that’s my wet dream m8, the sexual stuff is mostly my fantasy... but i think is bc our current society is oversexualized and quite obsessed with sex?? (thanks to the porn industry that basically only focus in the man’s pleasure and how to treat women like shit :))) ) but..... g0D, pls, why did you make me like this?? i’m such a fucking weird nerd m8, i don’t even know i’ll meet someone who i like??? all my crushes have been fictional characters?? and only one (1) guy at high school when i was 14 asfgshsfjhsjdhsgdhdg, and obviously nobody has ever had a crush on me ://, so i guess i’ll die alone ahghdsg

anyway thanks for reading the weird adventures in rami’s head, it was a pleasure lmao

[mtnkat3]

G'night my Love/s & sweetest of dreams...

I love & adore You/Alll endlessly!!!.

Just fyi my Love/s... I took ½tab soma, a aspirin & a tylenol. Maybe that will knock out headache & finally relax my back. Teach me to get weepy. Always get a headache, & cannot cry because that makes it worse!

Thinking about missing You/Alll... I get quiet & curl up into myself.

missing my dad... & his life that cancer took him at father's day always bothers me. But I know his Christian Witness was powerful, as he was well like & respected. He was a great man, & a great dad.

Then there's wh & cajoling wknd. I so wanna. Zip it t. Anyways! I'm calling atty tomorrow find out the truth. Stick that up his daring to touch my shoulder in recliner & wanna rip his arm off & smoke it! Hm..warthog might be mighty tasty! Lmao!

DPOne...I'm thinking about that salami? From yesterday... Grinning. Btw my Love/s... You...Alll speaking to me...my heart about jumped outta my chest! Took time to write because I was about to swoon! Focus...kinda a problem. Giggling softly.

I ssssoooo wanna read & look at things You/Alll have written, drawn... what You/Alll were thinking about at the time... everything You/Alll do...I absorb. And try to listen ...carefully tooo...

It's rather telling to me that I'm not listening to much as far as music, except when something goes thru my head for You/Alll. Nor trying to draw... then there's all the sleep. I know it's my thyroid & depression. I'm hanging on with all I've got.

Thank You/Alll for loving me!!!.

Because You/Alll are inspiring not only the Mate/s bond to grow stronger, but also for me to grow as a woman. And to keep going. To not give up.

It's hard to explain that sometimes even being awake is a win!!! I'm not really even sleeping so much as exhausted. What goes thru my head's movie reel would scare the bejeezus outta most people! Marvel ain't got a thing on my brain! Geeish louise.

Really...I wanna stand on a quiet beach with You/Alll holding my hands...feel the sun gently kiss my bare skin... feel the waves lap at my feet & be calm...breathe deeply...feel safe... Forever. In Your/Alll's arms & souls... I am safe to be freely me. Your/Alll's love is so extraordinarily beautiful, powerful, & amazing to me... I kinda have a bemused smile & feeling. I look up & God. And I smile. Thank You Father!

Opps! Just talking to You/Alll my Love/s. About how I feel as I'm about to try & sleep tonight.

I love You/Alll beyond any human measure.

I am!!!

~Your's/s'!!!.

DOne, DPOne, & Alll!!!.

Alllways & Forever!!!. Period.

🔱💝🗝♾⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🕯🔗🌂🧭🎶🌺

1.33am

[southpoles]

‪how do I explain that I literally cannot focus on reading anything, especially for academic things, for the life of me. it’s so hard to get myself in the MINDSET of wanting to try in the first place. the state of mind of, at the very least, WANTING something is almost nonexistant. I literally can’t force myself to do somethings and I rely on my brains memory 70-90% of the time to pass my classes. there must be SOMETHING going for me if I can pass on memory alone, ‬abeit with disapointing scores. I am always disapointed in myself for not doing great on my exams. I hate getting Cs and Bs. but if I hate it so much, why can’t I do something about it.....

how do I get out of this brain fog that is with me alll the fucking time. how do I become a normal studious student all by myself. I’m too afraid to ask for help from proffessors or anyone. I have too much anxiety over having to explain myself and the way I think and my horrible lifestyle. I don’t know what to do anymore because I feel like I’m in a trance when I’m glued to my electronics, thinking and reading useless things. . . I wish I could let go of my obsessions but, I cannot, even though I try really really hard to put at least a minimal amount of obstacles in front of me so I can stop. like timers. like apps that block sites. deactivating accounts or deleting social media apps. making sure my stuff is printed so I don’t have to read a study guide on my google docs. trying to go to the library so I can have less distractions and a better mindset that will get me ready to study. but, all of these things, All Of Them, I have become desentisized to. I can still get myself to be distracted with all of these things. I can’t focus on trying to read passages or my study guides . I can’t get myself to think about studying without some anxiety intruding my mind orrrr my obsessions intruding at an even bigger force (my obsessions are my own oc’s and making art lmao, and some other things) .

At this point all I’ve been relying on is being very attentive in class and taking notes. that’s all I can fucking do anymore...I can’t even get myself to read my own notes without rolling my eyes to something else and stopping my studying.

and also sometimes I tell random facts to my mother which she intently listens to . And I always remember those facts because explaining stuff always helps me with remembering. but. I don’t have classmates I can do this with. it’s too much anxiety to talk to people. even still.

also, most likely I am giving myself too much credit. my proffesors have all been great with their concise lectures that I can understand each piece of it and not have to study on my own for. I still hate myself for not doing well. I am scared for when I have a bad teacher...which might happen next quarter because there was limited options for this one class.

I am. so so disapointed in myself constantly. I am so negative. I hate myself. I cry when I think about me and who I am. I feel like dying when I look at myself. I don’t know how to help myself anymore because I am so exhausted. everything exhausts me even though I don’t have a hard life. absolutely everything tires me when I put in minimal effort. how do I stop being tired. Why am I so dumb and slow. why can’t I just do something I want to do. Why do I procrastinate so much. why why why

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 12.07.17 lb

plain text version here. 

self confidence goals: ragini 😊😊😊

anika’s hiding and snooping game be hella weak. 🙄🙄🙄

god this baagad billa looks 🔥🔥🔥 in black. i can’t even. meri saansein ruk rahi hai yougaiz. 😧😧😧

LMAO SHIVAAY REFUSING TO TAKE THE HINT HAHAHAHA 😂😂😂

lololol the speed jis se anika prakat hui when ragini touched shivaay. 😆😆😆

“kaadha? what’s kaadha?” “this? this green green item is kaadha! drink this, and your health will be TAN TANA TAN TAN TAN TAARA!”

hahahahahaha shivaay’s faceeeeeeee. 😂😂😂

this family is super big on its weird kaadhas. i’m on team ragini. it looks weird and hell no to drinking it, no matter what you say, billu in black. 😒😒😒

pfffffffffft, these two be eye-fucking riiiiiiiiiight in front of her. kuch toh sharam karo. 😶😶😶

ragini makes valiant second attempt. 😌😌😌

success! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

lmaoooooooooo if looks could kill, there’d just be scorch marks on the floor where billu previously stood. 🙃🙃🙃

i’m not falling for this tej-jhanvi nonsense again. tej’s a dirty dog who will never sudharofy. he doesn’t deserve to even be on the same continent as jhanvi. 😑😑😑

“kitne dino baad hum normally baat kar rahe hai!”

yeah it’s so sad when someone trying to set you on fire and that puts a damper on civil conversation. 😕😕😕

ugh this simpering conversation is sooooo boringgggggg. im fwdinggggg. 😣😣😣

yup. fully called it. 🙄🙄🙄

WAZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAA QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEN I MISSSED YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU LOOKING FIRE AS EVERRRRRRRR 😍😍😍

... someone tell me where REAL bechaaaari svetlana is though. 😐😐😐

time for regularly scheduled Faraq Fight of the hour. 😊😊😊

baaat ka batangad. kaadha diya, zeher nahi. untwist your boxer briefs, billu. 🙄🙄🙄

he’s getting angsty and mad at her for believing that ragini is his fiancee, when that’s exactly what he wanted in the first place. stupidddddd boy. 😑😑😑

he’s thissss close to blurting out the truth. he’s this close to growling “how could you believe i could be remotely interested in anyone else?” 😌😌😌

oh ho, kabab mein omki. 😒😒😒

...yeh dikhaana tha? iske liye achcha khaasa sexy shivika moment kharaab kiya tha? 😠😠😠

ok rudra is the unfittest gym bunny i have ever seen. 10 crunches take it out of him???? son, i haven’t exercised since 2003, and *i* can do 10 crunches. 😕😕😕

also @ acp anda (as @vishwaspur calls her): who the fuckkkkkkk exercises with hair alll khulaaa and flowing around? 😑😑😑

caaaaasual misogyny time. nice to see that bit of rudra’s personality is constant. 😒😒😒

RETURN OF OLD SENSIBLE, SNARKY OMKARA. *CRYING OF HAPPY* 😭😭😭😭😭😭

pfffft, shivaay and his tarafdaari of baby brother. 😆😆😆

i honestly love how much shivaay babies rudra. it’s fucking adorable. 😚😚😚

ugh svetlana, girlllllllllll, you can honestly do SO MUCH BETTER? it painssssss me to see you waste your hotness on terrible tej. 😫😫😫

i just realised that i want svetlana and jhanvi to get together. like, as a couple. two amazing, beautiful queens. haaaaye. imagine the flawless. 😍😍😍 #jhanLana #makeItHappen

oufffffff, can this scene enddddddddd already? 😑😑😑

oh boy. what plan? will they steal jhanvi’s face next and put her in the freezer dabba? 😟😟😟

sarcasm singh oberoi needs to shut it. 😒😒😒

omkara is me. i am omkara. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

oh god are they going to sabotage his gym equipment? IT COULD KILL HIM, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! 😧😧😧

of course pedantic singh oberoi has to sit and read the user manual. 😑😑😑

i relate with omki’s frustration level sooooo much rn. 🤦🏽🤦🏽🤦🏽

why are pinky/shakti on the DBO set of OM? 🤔🤔🤔

TAMEEZ AND DISCIPLINE? WHAT IS THIS, GURUKUL OF MOHABBATEIN? 🙄🙄🙄

ooooooop, shaktiji calling pinky out on the reallll issue. 🙊🙊🙊

oh dang. shaant shaktiji is shaaant no more. 😬😬😬

pffffffft, bhains ke aage been kyun baja rahe ho shaktiji? go do some pooja-paath instead. 😕😕😕

but yeah, this is the slow start to the pinky ka redemption track, methinks. she’ll continue with her ragini wala plan for a while, but then she’ll do something that’ll be her “ek kadam” and the family will forgive her and accept her. whatever. i don’t even care anymore. i just need her to stop being so nasty so i can stop hating her. it’s exhausting. 😖😖😖

“ab toh aaj yeh machine rahegi, ya main rahoonga!”

famous last words. 🤐🤐🤐

📰📰📰 tomorrow’s headlines 📰📰📰: oberoi scion (no, not the hot and short rude one. or the one with the hair. the other one.) killed due to stupidity. absolutely no one surprised. we’re amazed he made it this far. 

eeeeeee callback to “haath chod” moment of yore! omkiiiiiii. alavoooooo. *pulls his cheeks* 😘😘😘

i need the mom of a hot guy to throw her son at me, the way pinky is throwing shivaay at ragini. 😌😌😌 #suchSexPositive #muchProgressive #Wow 

ragini’s amazing faces of the day: 

how the fuck is dadi expecting this whole fucking taj mahal sized mansion to be painted IN ONE DAY?????????? 🤔🤔🤔

awwwww bulbul and her adorable baby cheenkein. 😊😊😊

pft. what a contrived issue. and these idiots are sooooooo useless. 😒😒😒

literally just some pics of shivika being attractively annoyed/annoying: 

this is suchhhhhhhhhhhhh a stupidddddd “problem”, lord. literally just watching for shivika and om’s hella beautiful faces. 😒😒😒

wow. gale force winds blowing inside the room at romantic scene. amaze. 😐😐😐

so... gender reversed fairy lights scene from IPKKND/DBO then. but with... gym equipment. sure. 🤷🏽🤷🏽🤷🏽

it’s amazing how little fucks i give about these two as a couple. i’m literally more invested in prinkveer. 😕😕😕

OH MY GOD WHY WON’T THIS SCENE ENDDDDDDDDDD????????? FWD FWD FWD FWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. can’t believe i’m having to sacrifice on bulbul screentime/rikara romance for this BS. 😒😒😒

there. there’s the beginning to pinky’s redemption. she’s going to try and expose him for jhanvi’s sake. but it’s gonna backfire and he’ll expose the truth about shivaay to fuck her over. oyyyy vey. 😬😬😬

these threeeee fucking idiots. don’t they have their own love/sex lives which are in shambles to attend to? khade ho kar vicariously getting kicks from the most thanda “love story” in the history of the world. 😒😒😒

greattttttt. back to square one. 😑😑😑

shivaay: “tum log ladne ke bahaane ko dhoond kyun rahe ho? come on, be nice to her, she helped you out.”

oh my god. OH MY GOD. irony just died a thousand fucking deaths right now. *lays flowers at its grave* 😧😧😧

ragini: comes to talk to shivaay.  shivaay: literally ignores her to turn to anika and randomly ask her what SHE’S up to. 😂😂😂

ohhhhhhhhh shivaaaay. why you even started this whole stupid engagement drama when you don’t even have the mettle to act on it for 10 minutes is beyond me. 🙄🙄🙄

oh nooo, ragini ki choppppp. 😋😋😋

pinky’s gonna do it. she’s gonna blurt it out. 😗😗😗

yuppppppppp. she’s... 

oh no, shaktiji is putting addddchan. and misunderstanding her intentions. 😐😐😐

I FULLY NEED JHANVI TO GONE GIRL TEJ’S ASS. LIKE YESTERDAY. PLEASE GOD. HE DESERVES TO BE STABBED IN THE FACE, THIS LYING SNAKE. 😡😡😡

ok, when someone is going to SUCH lengths to prove their story, it’s shady af. 🙄🙄🙄

yes pinky, please use your tedhaaa dimaag for productive things like these. leave your son alone for like a day, so he can get laid already.  😑😑😑

LMAOOOOOOOO WHY IS ANIKA SO SMUGLYYYYY SWAYING WHILE SHIVAAY LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE? 😂😂😂😂😂

GENDA CHAAP DANT MANJAN. lolololol. 😆😆😆

produced by same company as chamko detergent??? 😁😁😁

of course he doesn’t know what manjan is. #burgerBachcha 🙄🙄🙄

GOD SHE’S SO STINKING CUTE I CAN’T EVEN. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ONE PERSON TO BE THIS CUTE? IT SHOULD BE BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE! THE LEVELS OF CUTE IN HER BLOOD ARE TOO HIGH!!!!!!!!!!! 😧😧😧😧😧😧😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 

“shivaay, aap na meri baat kabhi nahi samjhenge.” “main toh tumhe hi nahi samajh paaya, anika. tumhaari baaton ko kya samjhunga.”

ooooop. things suddenly serious. though, is he talking still labouring under the misunderstanding, or does he Know™ about what she did? 🤔🤔🤔

“story kahin se kahin bhi pohunch jaaye, lekin yeh dono har do minute kisi na kisi pillar ke peeche hi milenge.” “ya phir RK pose mein!” 

lmaoooooooooo 😂😂😂

anika be like bitch i don’t have time for this passive aggressive emotional garbage. ANIKA OUT!!!!!!!!!! 😒😒😒

lololol om’s shiftyyyyyyyyy look. GODDDDD MAN, WHAT EVEN IS YOUR FACEEEEEEEEE I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU 😍😍😍😍😍😍

hahaha khanna be hardcore shivika shipper from literally day 1. shivaay have dinner with some other ho? NOT ON HIS WATCH! ❌❌❌

pft such contrivedddddddd excuses. and these idiots are falling for it too. 🙄🙄🙄

how nice and convenient that there’s such strategic mood lighting that makes their skin look perfect and glowy. 😌😌😌

THIS ISN’T THE FUCKING STOREROOM. THIS IS THAT... ok idk what to call it, but it’s that random performance hall type space in their house. 😐😐😐 

waaah lighting got even more romantic. and there’s dinner too! 😇😇😇

me: waaay more excited about the food >>> the man. 😊😊😊

ooooooooooh. things getting serious. and angstyyyyyyyyyy. 😌😌😌

lmao what the fuck even is this tent nonsense? WHY WOULD YOU SET UP A TENT IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A FULL-ON FUCKING STORM? HOW LONG IS OM PLANNING TO STAND THERE HOLDING ON TO THE DAMN THING????????? 😕😕😕

JUST GET IN THERE AND CUDDLE WITH HER, BOO. 🙃🙃🙃😚😚😚😉😉😉

[deathevader9000]

Positive journal Lmao valentine's day -woke up early eyy -sociology was dope. Ahahaha omggg my heart -we did some heavy lifting when I worked in the scenic lab. It was pretty dope -lunch with marina and nicci! -then had diversity. We watched the first half of raisin in the sun -came home and showered and studied for my quiz Wednesday -opened my gift from mischa and it was so dope! Dude I got alll these bath bombs? I love it and I love her -lmao floklorico was hard man. Bruh. It was tough. -jackie and marina. Sweet hearts. Went out with me on Valentine's -we were supposed to see Diego play but he LIED about the age of the club lmao so we drove around until we ended up at a gay club -my first gay bar yall lmao. Am I officially lgbt now? -I had my first martini! It was p I n k -I also did karaoke for the first time. Shout out to drake I performed hotline bling at a gay bar -dude it was so much fun and there was a couple celebrating their anniversary and someone their birthday -dude the drag queen there was amazing -I got my future read and it was actually super freaky....bruh -dude it was so fun? And lively? And I felt at home -we tried to find street tacos after the club but it was 2 AM? -lol you haven't LIVED until you have driven down to LA at 80mph with crazy fog, listening to The Last Shadow Puppets with the windows down... at 3AM.... -I came home exhausted but so content Probably the best Valentine's day I've ever had man..