#but i am Fragile and Sad

[rainbow-needs-help]

We’re trying this for real this time. hopefully without the computer yeeting my post into the abyss before I’m finished. Idk what I wrote in my little spiel in the og post before it died but I know I said something along the lines of starting to actually practice writing/journaling a little bit and wanting to improve, and being kinda proud of some bullshit I whipped up the other night when I couldn’t sleep so. Without further ado, some thoughts on my brother’s bedroom window:

I wish my window was like my brother’s, placed above the roof over our porch. A turn of a latch, a slide of the glass, and a push of the screen, and he could sit on rough tiles under the night sky. His is the only window like that in our home.

I wish my window was like my brother’s. I’d clamber up to the peak of our rooftop, the tiles scaping my hands and knees and pulling out little red drops as I crawl and climb and finally settle. I’d lay on my back, face towards the stars; I’d reach. My palm scraped, bloodied, raw, turned to the heavens in a silent question, asking–begging, pleading–to be taken away. Not forever. Just for a moment. Just for a day. Just for a chance to look down upon the Earth and witness life as the stars do.

I’d drop my hand. It would settle on my stomach, on top of the other. My ankles would be crossed. My head would be back. My mind would be quiet. My eyes would trace the few constellations I know and could see, until they slip closed. And then, I would sleep.

I wish my window was like my brother’s, so that I could feel a moment of peace. Perhaps it’s good thing that window is his. If it were mine–if the gateway to the moon and the stars and the endless sky were mine–I may never return to Earth.

[sysig]

Rainbows (Patreon)

[naamahdarling]

.

[ughgoaway]

Potential conflicts for the I love you blurb/fic

1. Annie gets injured at school. Proper injured and has to be taken to hospital. Matty loses it completely, snapping at everything and everyone, including reader. He snaps at her and reader starts to cry (she feels like absolute shit and Matty is clearly not helping) and goes to hide in the bathroom. Once Matty is told that Annie will be alright, he goes and tries to talk to reader, but she's still shaken and doesn't wanna talk to him. He tries to apologise, and in his apology, he says that he loves her.

2. Reader starts hanging out with an old friend of her, maybe a high-school friend or something like that. Matty gets jealous but doesn't say anything at first. Then Annie tells him how reader brought her friend to class and he thought them about whatever it is that he does (maybe he's a firefighter or something that kids think is cool). Matty, like the little shit that he is, instead of communicating his discomfort, he starts distancing himself from reader. When she, tired and confused by his antics, approaches him to ask for an explanation, things get heated, and they start going at each other. When Matty suggests that she's cheating on him, she says something like: Are you stupid? Why would I cheat on you if I love you?

both of these are very, very good. I love them!!! I wanna give my thoughts on both, but I only have the energy for one rn, so here that is! and when I come back and add more, I'll reblog this lol <3

(no proofreading, just vibes)

okay, I'm gonna alter the first one a lil' and maybe make it sadder... apologies, but I promise it ends nice <3

I can see Annie falling off a swing at school and breaking her arm. matty gets the phone call and drops EVERYTHING.

he gets to school and the nurses office and sees you sat with Annie and she's sniffling and holding her arm, her eyes red from crying.

matty runs in, and as soon as Annie sees him, she days, "Daddy?" and then bursts into tears, matty actually feels his heart splinter into 1000 pieces and comes rushing over and holding her, shushing her and stroking her head as it rests against his chest.

"What happened?" he says it kind of angrily, but you brush it off just assuming he's stressed.

"Oh, don't worry too much," you can see matty is annoyed at your words, but you still shake it off and contuine. "Annie was just swinging a little too high and fell off the swing. the nurse says her arm might be broken, so you need to take a little trip to a&e. you'll be okay though, won't you Annie?" As you ask you stretch your arm to stroke her head, but matty jerks her away from you, and you shoot your head up to look at him questioningly.

mattys jaw ticks before he sighs and starts angrily whispering, and if Annie wasn't there, you're sure he'd be shouting. "she'll be okay? where were you? aren't you meant to be watching her? " he hissed.

you're a little taken aback and say, "Well, I was on the playground, but I can't be everywhere all at once, you know that"

matty immediately jumps down your throat and says, "It's your job to keep her safe, and look what's happened? just- go away. I'm taking her to a&e now." he sighs angrily and scoffs at the tears brewing in your eyes and walks off.

as soon as the door clicks shut, you start sobbing, sitting down on the chair with your head in your hands. I'm talking like full snot bubbles aggressive crying.

hurting Annie is your worst fucking nightmare, and you felt guilty enough before matty came in here acting like a dick. you try to be mad at him but you can't help but just blame yourself.

it was your fault she fell. it was your fault she's hurt. you're to blame.

cut to hours later, Annie has a new cast and a lollypop in her mouth and quite honestly couldn't be happier. she got to choose the colour (stereotypical pink but she loves it) and all the staff signed it. she got a sticker and her favourite flavour of Lolly, as well as lots of fuss from everyone, so she's pretty chuffed.

she's looking forward to going to school tomorrow and getting everyone to sign her cast and ask lots of questions, "Did it hurt really bad???"No, but that's because my daddy says I'm really brave, so it would probably hurt you"

(she was crying for a good 45 mins from the pain, but he lets her live in delusion)

and once Annie is asleep in bed and matty is sat on the sofa left with only his own thoughts, he realises he was a fucking dick.

he says, "fuck" out loud and hangs his head down, he wants nothing more than to call you but he knows he should wait until he sees you in person. you haven't moved in yet, but you've been together a while so he could just go over to your place and beg for an apology but he can't bring himself to do it.

him and annie show up early to school. He leaves Annie in the library, showing all the librarians her cast and recounting her story. he sneaks off to your room to apologise.

he walks in, you look up and roll your eyes before going back to your work. overnight, you had gone from guilty to pissed off.

matty knew how much you love Annie, and yet he still treated you like you had personally thrown her off the swing.

"Look, I deserve that, I know. I was a dick yesterday, and I'm so sorry. " matty sighs as he walks over and leans on your desk beside you on your chair. you spin around with your arms cross and nod for him to contuine.

"Please forgive me, baby. I'm so sorry. seeing Annie hurt just broke my heart, and"

"And it didn't break mine? God matty you're such a fucking dick. you know I love her."

he waited for you to scream and shout more, just take it out on him, but you stay silent and stare.

matty was stressing out at your silence, so he did what he did best when stressed. He rambled.

"Please, you have to accept my apology. I've been killing myself the whole night. the way I spoke to you was just- awful. inexcusable. I know you love her, I love her too. and I love you so much. but the whole situation got on top of me and-" matty stopped when he felt your hand on his arm, and he finally had the guts to look you in your eyes and he once again saw them brimming with tears.

before he could stutter another apology, you stand up and hug him. Whilst he's confused, he just wraps his arms around you and hugs you.

he feels you mumble against him but can't quite make it out, "what was that, sweetheart?"

you pull back and give him a teary but happy smile and say, "I forgive you. and I love you too"

it's only then that matty realises what he said, and the look on his face has you giggling immediately. you bring your hands up and rest them on his cheeks.

"Love you," you say, making his eyes look at yours.

you see them soften before he says, "Love you too."

more blurbs from this au here :)

[x0x0josephinex0x0]

svt reaction: the one who got away | part 1 hyung line version

this v angsty request is from @f4iryjjosh and IT HURT MY SOUL TO WRITE hahahaha thank you so much for the request angel <3 i hope it fulfills all ur desires! (part 2 coming soon :))

the idea is that SVT breaks up with y/n after meeting someone else and falling for them, and then realizing they made a huge mistake, but you've moved on and there's nothing they can really do about it. it is all angst and pain. there is no relief.

seungcheol. he hated hearing his full name from anyone's lips, and he should've hated it even more coming from the lips that he'd be dreaming about for ages. but for some reason, in your voice, it made him smile. even after all this time.

and that smile, the one where he looked at you with his big shining eyes like you'd saved his life or restored his family honor, was almost enough to make you forget everything that had happened between you.

almost.

as it was, you gave him a soft smile back. "hey," you said. "you okay?"

a thousand thoughts pass through his mind at once -- you in his arms, you sighing his name, you breaking down in tears in your best dress in the restaurant where he broke your heart, you you you. god knows all the ways he’s thought about you, in spite of himself, with an alcohol burn to the back of his throat or stone-cold sober. some mistakes stick around, and what he said to you that night is undoubtedly the clingiest one he’s ever made. he knew it then, and he knows it now — seeing your face, however hesitant or worried you might look, is enough for him to know he’s still dead gone over you.

he shakes himself back to reality. "yeah," he says. "i'm okay. you look...great. happy."

"i am," you reply, and he notices, like a knife to his chest, you playing with a glittering ring on your finger, a nervous habit.

"is that --" he says, pointing, "what i think it is?"

you look down at your hand. "oh, yeah!" you exclaim, and despite yourself you smile broadly. "yeah, it is. um, it's pretty new, though. just happened last week."

"does he treat you right?" seungcheol asks, his eyes serious, his tone sharper than he intended. he'll know if you're lying, he always does.

so when you nod, thinking about the man you'll marry, about how he's sweet and gentle and knows how to pull a smile out of you on your very worst days, seungcheol's heart breaks a little more. because he knows it’s true, which means it’s all really over. the fire that kept your relationship with him alive has burned out, and he's the only one with any ashes left to spare.

he musters a smile as well. "good. i'm happy for you. well, it was good seeing you again," he says, turning away. and he curses his eyes for stinging, because he knew if you saw him cry you'd feel guilty, but after everything he put you through, you deserve to just be happy -- happy and nothing else -- for once.

jeonghan it was gradual for him, but it could be traced back to a very specific moment: when he found that letter from you, the one you’d written in class before you’d ever decided to mean anything to each other:

“date me?” it read, with two checkboxes, yes or no. jeonghan remembers how he checked the box labeled “yes” with a crisp black pen to hand back to you, and the look in your eyes when you unfolded it, and the smiles on both of your faces after you’d made out in the boys’ bathroom on the second floor like a couple of love-drunk highschoolers.

that note had heralded feelings jeonghan was desperate to ignore. he had ended it with you. his life was a carefully orchestrated set of advantageous events. he was always the one in control, and he never, ever lost.

so why did he feel like the world’s most pathetic loser whenever he saw that stupid note?

in the end, he’d had to do some serious soul-searching to determine why he even cared so much. he’d been bored, he determined — bored because you were so easy to be around, bored because you never made him feel unsafe or unloved, bored because loving you wasn’t a game he could play to win.

even now, as he stared at the note in his hands, crumpled with the years, jeonghan fought off the urge to call you. he lurked on social media and saw you traveling, eating, living like you’d always wanted to live. just a week prior he’d nearly cried at a picture of you in front of a castle somewhere in Germany, your arms outstretched like you were ready to hug the whole world. it was so you — the castle, the pose, the huge smile in the photo, even the windswept hair. and it hurt so much to see how beautiful you still were.

and a part of him knew that if he called, you would come back for him. because that was who you were.

so he never called, even as he burned with a thousand regrets for all the things he’d done wrong. selfish as he might be, he wasn’t monstrous enough to rob you of a life that was fuller without him in it.

joshua. you really never could be mad at joshua. not even when your relationship was staggering to its painful end, not even when you both knew that it wasn't working, not even when he broke up with you and started dating someone he'd told you not to worry about.

and not now, when you've run into him at a restaurant, right around the two-year mark of the breakup. you weren't in a great place when you'd started dating joshua, and the relationship had brought out the very worst in you, prompting a long period of self-improvement following the breakup.

now, you're in an amazing place, so much so that you're actually happy to see joshua here -- still with the girl he left you for, but looking preoccupied until you called his name and he met your eyes.

his eyes light up. "hi!" he says. "wow, it's you!"

"it is," you say, smiling. "how are things?"

he hesitates, and your heart sinks. you can tell that he hasn't done as well post-breakup as you have, and where the past you would've been a little smug about that, now you just feel compassionate. "things are crazy," he says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

because in truth, joshua's looking at you, and though his hand is on the knee of the woman he thought would be better for him than you were, he's wishing he could stand up and hug you. here you are, just like in his memories but better, because your eyes are bright with life and your brows aren't knit together in worry like they always seemed to be when you were together.

joshua knew the relationship you'd had with him had been really hard on you. and he understood the reasons why it didn't work. you had been so insecure you couldn't see your own appeal, and joshua had been burnt out trying to prove it to you. and he could see that he'd made the right choice -- for you, at least.

because for him, every time he looked into the eyes of the woman he was with now, he wished they were yours.

this was an admission he couldn't make to himself until you were there in front of him, in a way he'd only let himself imagine after his lover was asleep next to him and he was drifting off himself.

and oh, it burns.

he doesn't say anything about it now -- that's going to have to wait for later, at home, where things are going to need to be said. but for now, he greets you politely, watching you leave after a bout of small talk that taught him nothing at all about where you ended up after he broke your heart. and he wonders vaguely if he'll ever, ever, ever forgive himself.

the odds aren't good.

junhui. "hey stranger," he says, and even after all the time and everything that has passed between the two of you, it still makes you ache a little.

but you muster a smile, a little wave. "hey jun."

"you're here for work?" it's not really a question he's asking, because you know he already knows that that's why you're on this particular street.

"yeah," you say anyway. "and you? what brings you here?"

he smiles to himself. "just needed some fresh air."

he'll never tell you that it's because he's been religiously coming here since you blocked his number two years ago, hoping this very thing would happen.

"how have you been?" you ask him, and he fights back memories of the times he spent without you, with someone else, knowing that if he remembers them it'll show on his face.

"good," he lies. never mind that at the back of his closet is a hoodie he let you borrow, and it's hidden back there because it still smells like you. never mind that he's been spending day after day in this same stupid alley where you film those same videos for your job, hoping that you'll show up so he can see you. "and you?"

"i'm happier than ever," you tell him.

and you look it. you look happy. happier than you were with him.

with a funny feeling in his stomach, jun turns away from you with a little wave. "well, it was good to see you again. i'm glad you're happy."

he'll never come back to this street again.

soongyoung. "what are you doing here?" asks soonyoung with wide eyes.

you gesture to the man at your side. "i'm here on a date, actually," you say. and oh, thank goodness you look good, and your date (who is your longtime boyfriend, actually) looks good, because, well, soonyoung also looks good. and you're glad you've run into him at an opportune moment for you.

"oh," he says, looking at the man beside you. "uh, you must be..."

"my boyfriend," you finish for him. "this is soonyoung," you say to your boyfriend.

your boyfriend gives him a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. he's heard all about the man who broke your heart into a thousand pieces, leaving him to pick up all the pieces and put them back together again. he doesn't mind doing it, but because of how badly you were hurt, he has spent more time than he'd like to admit wishing you'd never met the man in front of him right now. "hi," he says, shaking soonyoung's hand.

"hi," soonyoung says breathlessly. "wow, uh...nice to meet you. i'm, well..."

"my ex," you say with a smile. "it's okay. he knows."

of course he knows, soonyoung thinks to himself. of course you had to have had the discussion about how your previous boyfriend fell out of love with you.

or thought he had.

"how's ... um... i don't remember their name," you admit, trying to recall the person soonyoung had left you for.

"it didn't work out between us," he says quickly. "we broke up six months ago."

"oh," you say. "i'm sorry."

it's awkward now, the three of you standing there staring at each other, so you grab your boyfriend's hand. "well, it was good seeing you," you say as you pull him away.

you have a nice dinner with your boyfriend and even laugh over the encounter later. but soonyoung is haunted for months. because he noticed how safe and easy it was between you and your boyfriend, and it reminded him of how you used to act with him before he messed everything up.

wonwoo. as cautious and careful as wonwoo always was about everything, regret was not a common experience for him. so it was quite the shock when he found himself filled with it night after night following his split from the person he left you for.

when he'd broken up with you, you'd sincerely wished him well, and promised he'd never see you again if he didn't want to. and two years later, you'd kept that promise, never reaching out to him, never begging him for an explanation he didn't want to give, never worrying him with memories of the two of you when you'd been happy.

and this had been part of the reason why he'd broken up with his new girlfriend -- he kept remembering how unobtrusive you were. the way you fit into his life like a puzzle piece made for him. and even now, as he rereads all the passionately hateful texts his now-ex spams his phone with, he remembers you.

it's been forever since he unfollowed you on social media, but he looks you up all the same. he almost follows you again, almost likes your most recent post of you out with some friends, but thinks better of it.

you were so fair to him, so up-front and honest about everything. how unkind it would be, he thinks, to dredge up the past when you look so happy. how unpleasant for you, to be reminded of someone who hurt you so deeply.

so he shuts off his phone and sinks into bed, allowing the regret to wash over him like a wave.

jihoon. explaining that he'd fallen out of love with you was the second most exhausting task of jihoon's entire life. the most exhausting one, it turns out, was staying in a relationship with the person he'd left you for while pesky reminders of you kept flooding his brain.

after yet-another fight with his current partner, jihoon lies awake in bed, his jaw clenched, as he remembers how you'd make up with him after a fight, crawling into bed beside him and kissing his cheeks and whispering "i'm sorry", sometimes through tears, until he'd turn and embrace you back.

his current partner never apologizes or even admits any responsibility at all. as he lays there remembering how it felt to have your face buried in his neck, he comes to the shocking realization that he wishes it was you beside him still.

because with you, he knew he could always tap you on the shoulder and beat you to an apology, and it would be immediately forgiven. the guilt of having broken a heart like that is too overwhelming for him, and he suddenly needs to talk to you like he needs air in his lungs to live.

so he silently slides from bed, picks up his cell phone, and leaves the room. he dials your number from memory, having deleted it from his phone.

"your call cannot be completed as dialed," the voice says. he blinks and tries again. same response. it occurs to him that you may have blocked him for your own sanity, and the guilt intensifies, turning into tears he hates almost as much as he hates himself.

he spends the rest of the night with his phone in his hand, looking for any traces of you that may be left in the photos and memories there.

[twobrokenwyngs]

liam: [prepares to go on tour to commemorate an album that is inextricably linked to the brother he hasn’t spoken to in 15 years]

us:

[jenna-louise-jamie]

thinking about yassen gregorovich instead of sleeping (because i love him) and how he is a catalyst. yassen stabbs ash -> ash kills john rider -> ian rider raises alex -> yassen kills ian rider -> mi6 blackmails alex into becoming a teenage spy.

i have so many thoughts that i can't properly articulate. obviously this is a simplified chain of events, but yassen and his choices set off a chain reaction of the world's most unfortunate dominos. especially when you read russian roulette. to be clear im not necessarily trying to blame him for everything because that feels very mean. he was also just a 14 year old kid when everything in his life went wrong, just like alex. only difference being yassen literally had no one.

i think i should write an essay about this because i haven't even gotten into my thoughts about what yassen and alex's dynamic would look like past eagle strike. i would imagine it'd be similar to ellie and joel from the last of us part 2.

where obviously yassen loves alex and alex on some level cares for yassen back but struggles to reconcile that with the fact that yassen is responsible for his uncle's death. a very unforgivable act. it would be so messy and complicated and angsty, because on one hand here is an adult who truly cares about him and has a connection with him through his father. yassen could tell alex about john, and trust that yassen truly wants whats best for him. but he killed ian, and he cannot take that back.

while alex reels from those feelings, yassen is also trying to reconcile his love of alex with the knowledge that he on some level is responsible for the suffering alex endured at the hands of mi6. and possibly even the fact that alex's godfather is the one who killed john and helen.

[distraughtlesbian]

sorry for speaking my truth it will happen again. i think my main issue with valax’s redemption arc is literally just that there’s never a moment where the mc gets to actually talk to her about what she did—there’s not really a cathartic conversation, so valax and mc moving past what she did to them feels less like forgiveness and redemption and more like an agreement to ignore the elephant in the room

like sure we got to talk about our trauma (in chapter 17 of 20. lol. lmao, even) to the party, but valax wasn’t present for that?? and like, sure, she says once that she is sorry “for the pain she caused [them]”, but there’s a difference Tew Me between “sorry for hurting you ig ✌️😗” and actually being like “yeah, i abducted you and forced you into a magically induced coma and stole your blood and robbed you of a full year of your life and repeatedly tried to murder you, to say nothing of the grief i caused your loved ones. i did all that shit and i’m sorry for it and deeply regret it, and i acknowledge that you don’t owe me forgiveness, but i will spend the rest of my life working to build a better world for my people instead of being my mother’s pawn”, and a difference between “my mother is unhappy with me for saving you :(” and actually like, giving the mc space to talk about the impact of her actions towards them. like girl you are not getting out of this shit with one sentence’s worth of apology and a sex scene lmfao!!!

during the first half or so of the book the focus for mc is not falling the fuck apart bc they have a friend group to tentatively piece together and they’re averse to showing fear in front of valax, so they’re repressing all their trauma—and by the time valax joins the party, the narrative has gone full Valax Cool And Good mode, and fully allows you to flirt with her and tease her and generally stops taking her seriously as an antagonist. which would be all fine and good if we had actually at any point gotten to be like, “hey, you abducting me and keeping me in a magically induced coma and stealing my blood and trying to kill me has actually caused me a lot of lasting fear and pain,” followed by some set of choices wrt forgiving or not forgiving her for all that in light of the revelation that she did all that shit bc her mom tortured and brainwashed her

like why are my friends more pissed off about the time this bitch abducted me and did evil little experiments on me than i am. free valax she did all that shit bc of her mommy issues but i should’ve gotten to call her a cunt just once. pb stop making all your mcs generals in the idgaf war challenge (IMPOSSIBLE)

[caterjunes]

what is it about lesbian media that fills me with the heaviest & most profound sadness in the pit of my stomach, in my throat, under my heart.

[dirtytransmasc]

no cause miles is just so young.

he calls his dad, cause he's scared and upset and overwhelmed and he just wants to hear his voice.

he hugs him, even when he's "not supposed" to, when he's not his son and instead spiderman, when his dad has no idea who he is and only sees a vigilante.

when he hugs his dad, he presses into his chest, cause he's too short to rest his head on his shoulder, and he squeezes his eyes shut, cause he's no doubt about to cry (and we can't really see it, but I'm pretty sure he can't fully wrap his arms around his dad, which kills me).

when he dad hugs him, he's practically able to fit Miles's head in his hand. and the way he ran into him in a split second, and before his dad even knew what was wrong, he just held him????

I can't do this today, he's just so little, he's a baby, and he's been through so much, it's not fair, just look at him, what did he do to deserve any of this?

[bunnihearted]

🕸️

[rachalixie]

i'm so close to my next milestone STOP UNFOLLOWING ME

[chainofclovers]

Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death

[christophernolan]

I cried, I laughed I fell in love with all the new characters and fell even more in love with the old characters and I can’t wait for more!!

[maaxverstappen]

Grr

[wormbraind]

i think cherie cared for alec the same way she might care for a doll. he was sometimes fun to put in situations and mess with but ultimately he was disposable as soon as he became uninteresting. she might show fleeting affection if the idea of being a good sister seemed attractive to her in that moment the same way someone might watch wednesday and want to experiment with goth fashion. however i imagine she put a lot more weight on it, thinking maybe if she acted like this or that she'd finally be normal, except the facade was always that: a mask that hid but didn't change the fact that she was fundamentally broken.