#but i am Fragile and Sad
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We’re trying this for real this time. hopefully without the computer yeeting my post into the abyss before I’m finished. Idk what I wrote in my little spiel in the og post before it died but I know I said something along the lines of starting to actually practice writing/journaling a little bit and wanting to improve, and being kinda proud of some bullshit I whipped up the other night when I couldn’t sleep so. Without further ado, some thoughts on my brother’s bedroom window:
I wish my window was like my brother’s, placed above the roof over our porch. A turn of a latch, a slide of the glass, and a push of the screen, and he could sit on rough tiles under the night sky. His is the only window like that in our home.
I wish my window was like my brother’s. I’d clamber up to the peak of our rooftop, the tiles scaping my hands and knees and pulling out little red drops as I crawl and climb and finally settle. I’d lay on my back, face towards the stars; I’d reach. My palm scraped, bloodied, raw, turned to the heavens in a silent question, asking–begging, pleading–to be taken away. Not forever. Just for a moment. Just for a day. Just for a chance to look down upon the Earth and witness life as the stars do.
I’d drop my hand. It would settle on my stomach, on top of the other. My ankles would be crossed. My head would be back. My mind would be quiet. My eyes would trace the few constellations I know and could see, until they slip closed. And then, I would sleep.
I wish my window was like my brother’s, so that I could feel a moment of peace. Perhaps it’s good thing that window is his. If it were mine–if the gateway to the moon and the stars and the endless sky were mine–I may never return to Earth.
#anyway#theres some shit i wrote wow#ive never shared my writing online#and i still consider myself a beginner bc the only things ive really written have been for school#so#please be nice to me#constructive criticism is ok#but i am Fragile and Sad#but i also wanna get better so#also i know this isnt the best grammatically#like i know it didnt meet proper grammar shit#but also.#i feel like proper grammar wouldnt have quite gotten the vibes across#but anyway im rambling again#shout out to anyone who read it#or read this far in the tags#i am giving you a warm bowl of soup for your efforts#ok actual tags now#writing#drabble#journaling#my writing#stuff i wrote#wtf do i tag this with uh#i might post more things i write in the future so#bow writes things
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Rainbows (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Papyrus#Sans#This rainbow is all out of order - and so many negative glows ah :0#I didn't mean for them to trend negative! They were just easier to imagine the expressions - maybe I'll take a second pass on the positives#Or in green's case the negative :')#Again in order of when I drew them so kinda all over the place haha#I wanted to go in order! And then I got distracted pft - thus started with red ow :(#Honestly I was thinking of it just being a surprise-pain more than anything lol - like a splinter haha that wouldn't even pierce him!#D'you think that eyeglows could also act like automatic word-responses? Like how we say ''Ow'' when we're surprised but not hurt sometimes#Silly haha#The second is a lot less silly-intended tho more actual pain#It's also sad to think that Sans' red would pretty much have to be sympathy/emotional pain :(#The kind of survivors guilt of not being able to shoulder more but he's so fragile! It's not his fault!#I am quite happy with both of their expressions there tho especially their mouth shapes - and how the colours interact with their eyes#Lineless colours are some of my favourites :) You can tell it's my pencils and not my pen there 'cause it's feathery hehe#For example Edgar's scars are usually with my pen and they have an almost hard-line quality while my pencils are soft :) S'pretty#Switched colours! I unfortunately misremembered what their meanings were oops lol#Well I got them kinda half-right - I like blue as skeptical quite a lot :D I think it suits them both!#Sans as wary and logical and wanting to keep distance to assure his safety and what he can devote energy to - I like it!#And Papyrus using his brother's colour to be grown up in the way that Sans is hehe <3 It's sweet#I misremembered orange lol I assigned blue's alt meaning of ''curiousity'' - orange is meant to be bravery! Oops lol#I think I was thinking of Papyrus' childlike excitement and wanting to know and be involved! Haha#Greeeeens <3 Happy boys happy with each other! I love when they're happy ♥ Interlocked holding hands hehe#Pinks! Along a similar line! I like pink as platonic affection :D And as embarrassment lol but hgg the sweetness! The care and love!#Is my bias showing lol - especially with the bros sleeping on each other haha ♪ They're both happy to know the other is safe!#Couple'a stresses - I like Sans' more I'm not even gonna sugarcoat lol his expression turned out so good haha#And the inverse for the purples! I do like Sans' face but his body :P Papyrus tho - he turned out sad and perfect :')
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#fucks me up that there are two whole new animals in the house that i barely know#who depend on me for everything#barely recognize me as a friend or helper#and are so incredibly incredibly fragile#i got worried for junie today because her spay incision had some swelling#and it's normal to have some and i have seen it before#but after what we just wemt through i got upset and rushed her to the vet#who said it was fine and thankfully we have free office visits#but i was so upset even though i knew it was probably normal#i look at them and i see adorable cuddly sweet TEMPORARY things and i feel like something inside me got broken somehow#and i was right all along that after it was all over i would come back but not quite as myself#i just hadn't fully understood the extent#we are keeping them and it sort of had to happen when it did but i think it was too early for me#they are so cute and when they do cuddle it's so sweet and obviously i would fight for them as hard as i would for Fancy#because that's just how the deal works and it isn't about you at all it's about how they each carry a little world inside them just as we d#and that deserves equal respect and care regardless of my personal affections#but i look at them and i see little creatures that don't belong here and are foreign in some fundamental way#and that they will be gone in just a little while and things will go back to how they were#which is impossible#we will settle in and i doubt anything i am feeling is abnormal but I'm really struggling and i feel so bad about that#i don't know#it's just a lot to deal with#and i feel very lonely and sad about it#and under it all the sick feeling of having JUST held all three lads as they passed and the VISCERAL reality of it#and knowing one day if everything goes just right i will be holding them too#dear god life is so fragile and every living thing is just as mortal as any other
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Potential conflicts for the I love you blurb/fic
1. Annie gets injured at school. Proper injured and has to be taken to hospital. Matty loses it completely, snapping at everything and everyone, including reader. He snaps at her and reader starts to cry (she feels like absolute shit and Matty is clearly not helping) and goes to hide in the bathroom. Once Matty is told that Annie will be alright, he goes and tries to talk to reader, but she's still shaken and doesn't wanna talk to him. He tries to apologise, and in his apology, he says that he loves her.
2. Reader starts hanging out with an old friend of her, maybe a high-school friend or something like that. Matty gets jealous but doesn't say anything at first. Then Annie tells him how reader brought her friend to class and he thought them about whatever it is that he does (maybe he's a firefighter or something that kids think is cool). Matty, like the little shit that he is, instead of communicating his discomfort, he starts distancing himself from reader. When she, tired and confused by his antics, approaches him to ask for an explanation, things get heated, and they start going at each other. When Matty suggests that she's cheating on him, she says something like: Are you stupid? Why would I cheat on you if I love you?
both of these are very, very good. I love them!!! I wanna give my thoughts on both, but I only have the energy for one rn, so here that is! and when I come back and add more, I'll reblog this lol <3
(no proofreading, just vibes)
okay, I'm gonna alter the first one a lil' and maybe make it sadder... apologies, but I promise it ends nice <3
I can see Annie falling off a swing at school and breaking her arm. matty gets the phone call and drops EVERYTHING.
he gets to school and the nurses office and sees you sat with Annie and she's sniffling and holding her arm, her eyes red from crying.
matty runs in, and as soon as Annie sees him, she days, "Daddy?" and then bursts into tears, matty actually feels his heart splinter into 1000 pieces and comes rushing over and holding her, shushing her and stroking her head as it rests against his chest.
"What happened?" he says it kind of angrily, but you brush it off just assuming he's stressed.
"Oh, don't worry too much," you can see matty is annoyed at your words, but you still shake it off and contuine. "Annie was just swinging a little too high and fell off the swing. the nurse says her arm might be broken, so you need to take a little trip to a&e. you'll be okay though, won't you Annie?" As you ask you stretch your arm to stroke her head, but matty jerks her away from you, and you shoot your head up to look at him questioningly.
mattys jaw ticks before he sighs and starts angrily whispering, and if Annie wasn't there, you're sure he'd be shouting. "she'll be okay? where were you? aren't you meant to be watching her? " he hissed.
you're a little taken aback and say, "Well, I was on the playground, but I can't be everywhere all at once, you know that"
matty immediately jumps down your throat and says, "It's your job to keep her safe, and look what's happened? just- go away. I'm taking her to a&e now." he sighs angrily and scoffs at the tears brewing in your eyes and walks off.
as soon as the door clicks shut, you start sobbing, sitting down on the chair with your head in your hands. I'm talking like full snot bubbles aggressive crying.
hurting Annie is your worst fucking nightmare, and you felt guilty enough before matty came in here acting like a dick. you try to be mad at him but you can't help but just blame yourself.
it was your fault she fell. it was your fault she's hurt. you're to blame.
cut to hours later, Annie has a new cast and a lollypop in her mouth and quite honestly couldn't be happier. she got to choose the colour (stereotypical pink but she loves it) and all the staff signed it. she got a sticker and her favourite flavour of Lolly, as well as lots of fuss from everyone, so she's pretty chuffed.
she's looking forward to going to school tomorrow and getting everyone to sign her cast and ask lots of questions, "Did it hurt really bad???"No, but that's because my daddy says I'm really brave, so it would probably hurt you"
(she was crying for a good 45 mins from the pain, but he lets her live in delusion)
and once Annie is asleep in bed and matty is sat on the sofa left with only his own thoughts, he realises he was a fucking dick.
he says, "fuck" out loud and hangs his head down, he wants nothing more than to call you but he knows he should wait until he sees you in person. you haven't moved in yet, but you've been together a while so he could just go over to your place and beg for an apology but he can't bring himself to do it.
him and annie show up early to school. He leaves Annie in the library, showing all the librarians her cast and recounting her story. he sneaks off to your room to apologise.
he walks in, you look up and roll your eyes before going back to your work. overnight, you had gone from guilty to pissed off.
matty knew how much you love Annie, and yet he still treated you like you had personally thrown her off the swing.
"Look, I deserve that, I know. I was a dick yesterday, and I'm so sorry. " matty sighs as he walks over and leans on your desk beside you on your chair. you spin around with your arms cross and nod for him to contuine.
"Please forgive me, baby. I'm so sorry. seeing Annie hurt just broke my heart, and"
"And it didn't break mine? God matty you're such a fucking dick. you know I love her."
he waited for you to scream and shout more, just take it out on him, but you stay silent and stare.
matty was stressing out at your silence, so he did what he did best when stressed. He rambled.
"Please, you have to accept my apology. I've been killing myself the whole night. the way I spoke to you was just- awful. inexcusable. I know you love her, I love her too. and I love you so much. but the whole situation got on top of me and-" matty stopped when he felt your hand on his arm, and he finally had the guts to look you in your eyes and he once again saw them brimming with tears.
before he could stutter another apology, you stand up and hug him. Whilst he's confused, he just wraps his arms around you and hugs you.
he feels you mumble against him but can't quite make it out, "what was that, sweetheart?"
you pull back and give him a teary but happy smile and say, "I forgive you. and I love you too"
it's only then that matty realises what he said, and the look on his face has you giggling immediately. you bring your hands up and rest them on his cheeks.
"Love you," you say, making his eyes look at yours.
you see them soften before he says, "Love you too."
more blurbs from this au here :)
#also ross tears up when matty tells him annie broke her arm#“ITS SAD OKAY. SHES HURT.”#the boys all sign it and add some 75 stickers#this is as angsty as i get lol#i am fragile okay#teacher au!#anon!
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svt reaction: the one who got away | part 1 hyung line version
this v angsty request is from @f4iryjjosh and IT HURT MY SOUL TO WRITE hahahaha thank you so much for the request angel <3 i hope it fulfills all ur desires! (part 2 coming soon :))
the idea is that SVT breaks up with y/n after meeting someone else and falling for them, and then realizing they made a huge mistake, but you've moved on and there's nothing they can really do about it. it is all angst and pain. there is no relief.
seungcheol. he hated hearing his full name from anyone's lips, and he should've hated it even more coming from the lips that he'd be dreaming about for ages. but for some reason, in your voice, it made him smile. even after all this time.
and that smile, the one where he looked at you with his big shining eyes like you'd saved his life or restored his family honor, was almost enough to make you forget everything that had happened between you.
almost.
as it was, you gave him a soft smile back. "hey," you said. "you okay?"
a thousand thoughts pass through his mind at once -- you in his arms, you sighing his name, you breaking down in tears in your best dress in the restaurant where he broke your heart, you you you. god knows all the ways he’s thought about you, in spite of himself, with an alcohol burn to the back of his throat or stone-cold sober. some mistakes stick around, and what he said to you that night is undoubtedly the clingiest one he’s ever made. he knew it then, and he knows it now — seeing your face, however hesitant or worried you might look, is enough for him to know he’s still dead gone over you.
he shakes himself back to reality. "yeah," he says. "i'm okay. you look...great. happy."
"i am," you reply, and he notices, like a knife to his chest, you playing with a glittering ring on your finger, a nervous habit.
"is that --" he says, pointing, "what i think it is?"
you look down at your hand. "oh, yeah!" you exclaim, and despite yourself you smile broadly. "yeah, it is. um, it's pretty new, though. just happened last week."
"does he treat you right?" seungcheol asks, his eyes serious, his tone sharper than he intended. he'll know if you're lying, he always does.
so when you nod, thinking about the man you'll marry, about how he's sweet and gentle and knows how to pull a smile out of you on your very worst days, seungcheol's heart breaks a little more. because he knows it’s true, which means it’s all really over. the fire that kept your relationship with him alive has burned out, and he's the only one with any ashes left to spare.
he musters a smile as well. "good. i'm happy for you. well, it was good seeing you again," he says, turning away. and he curses his eyes for stinging, because he knew if you saw him cry you'd feel guilty, but after everything he put you through, you deserve to just be happy -- happy and nothing else -- for once.
jeonghan it was gradual for him, but it could be traced back to a very specific moment: when he found that letter from you, the one you’d written in class before you’d ever decided to mean anything to each other:
“date me?” it read, with two checkboxes, yes or no. jeonghan remembers how he checked the box labeled “yes” with a crisp black pen to hand back to you, and the look in your eyes when you unfolded it, and the smiles on both of your faces after you’d made out in the boys’ bathroom on the second floor like a couple of love-drunk highschoolers.
that note had heralded feelings jeonghan was desperate to ignore. he had ended it with you. his life was a carefully orchestrated set of advantageous events. he was always the one in control, and he never, ever lost.
so why did he feel like the world’s most pathetic loser whenever he saw that stupid note?
in the end, he’d had to do some serious soul-searching to determine why he even cared so much. he’d been bored, he determined — bored because you were so easy to be around, bored because you never made him feel unsafe or unloved, bored because loving you wasn’t a game he could play to win.
even now, as he stared at the note in his hands, crumpled with the years, jeonghan fought off the urge to call you. he lurked on social media and saw you traveling, eating, living like you’d always wanted to live. just a week prior he’d nearly cried at a picture of you in front of a castle somewhere in Germany, your arms outstretched like you were ready to hug the whole world. it was so you — the castle, the pose, the huge smile in the photo, even the windswept hair. and it hurt so much to see how beautiful you still were.
and a part of him knew that if he called, you would come back for him. because that was who you were.
so he never called, even as he burned with a thousand regrets for all the things he’d done wrong. selfish as he might be, he wasn’t monstrous enough to rob you of a life that was fuller without him in it.
joshua. you really never could be mad at joshua. not even when your relationship was staggering to its painful end, not even when you both knew that it wasn't working, not even when he broke up with you and started dating someone he'd told you not to worry about.
and not now, when you've run into him at a restaurant, right around the two-year mark of the breakup. you weren't in a great place when you'd started dating joshua, and the relationship had brought out the very worst in you, prompting a long period of self-improvement following the breakup.
now, you're in an amazing place, so much so that you're actually happy to see joshua here -- still with the girl he left you for, but looking preoccupied until you called his name and he met your eyes.
his eyes light up. "hi!" he says. "wow, it's you!"
"it is," you say, smiling. "how are things?"
he hesitates, and your heart sinks. you can tell that he hasn't done as well post-breakup as you have, and where the past you would've been a little smug about that, now you just feel compassionate. "things are crazy," he says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
because in truth, joshua's looking at you, and though his hand is on the knee of the woman he thought would be better for him than you were, he's wishing he could stand up and hug you. here you are, just like in his memories but better, because your eyes are bright with life and your brows aren't knit together in worry like they always seemed to be when you were together.
joshua knew the relationship you'd had with him had been really hard on you. and he understood the reasons why it didn't work. you had been so insecure you couldn't see your own appeal, and joshua had been burnt out trying to prove it to you. and he could see that he'd made the right choice -- for you, at least.
because for him, every time he looked into the eyes of the woman he was with now, he wished they were yours.
this was an admission he couldn't make to himself until you were there in front of him, in a way he'd only let himself imagine after his lover was asleep next to him and he was drifting off himself.
and oh, it burns.
he doesn't say anything about it now -- that's going to have to wait for later, at home, where things are going to need to be said. but for now, he greets you politely, watching you leave after a bout of small talk that taught him nothing at all about where you ended up after he broke your heart. and he wonders vaguely if he'll ever, ever, ever forgive himself.
the odds aren't good.
junhui. "hey stranger," he says, and even after all the time and everything that has passed between the two of you, it still makes you ache a little.
but you muster a smile, a little wave. "hey jun."
"you're here for work?" it's not really a question he's asking, because you know he already knows that that's why you're on this particular street.
"yeah," you say anyway. "and you? what brings you here?"
he smiles to himself. "just needed some fresh air."
he'll never tell you that it's because he's been religiously coming here since you blocked his number two years ago, hoping this very thing would happen.
"how have you been?" you ask him, and he fights back memories of the times he spent without you, with someone else, knowing that if he remembers them it'll show on his face.
"good," he lies. never mind that at the back of his closet is a hoodie he let you borrow, and it's hidden back there because it still smells like you. never mind that he's been spending day after day in this same stupid alley where you film those same videos for your job, hoping that you'll show up so he can see you. "and you?"
"i'm happier than ever," you tell him.
and you look it. you look happy. happier than you were with him.
with a funny feeling in his stomach, jun turns away from you with a little wave. "well, it was good to see you again. i'm glad you're happy."
he'll never come back to this street again.
soongyoung. "what are you doing here?" asks soonyoung with wide eyes.
you gesture to the man at your side. "i'm here on a date, actually," you say. and oh, thank goodness you look good, and your date (who is your longtime boyfriend, actually) looks good, because, well, soonyoung also looks good. and you're glad you've run into him at an opportune moment for you.
"oh," he says, looking at the man beside you. "uh, you must be..."
"my boyfriend," you finish for him. "this is soonyoung," you say to your boyfriend.
your boyfriend gives him a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. he's heard all about the man who broke your heart into a thousand pieces, leaving him to pick up all the pieces and put them back together again. he doesn't mind doing it, but because of how badly you were hurt, he has spent more time than he'd like to admit wishing you'd never met the man in front of him right now. "hi," he says, shaking soonyoung's hand.
"hi," soonyoung says breathlessly. "wow, uh...nice to meet you. i'm, well..."
"my ex," you say with a smile. "it's okay. he knows."
of course he knows, soonyoung thinks to himself. of course you had to have had the discussion about how your previous boyfriend fell out of love with you.
or thought he had.
"how's ... um... i don't remember their name," you admit, trying to recall the person soonyoung had left you for.
"it didn't work out between us," he says quickly. "we broke up six months ago."
"oh," you say. "i'm sorry."
it's awkward now, the three of you standing there staring at each other, so you grab your boyfriend's hand. "well, it was good seeing you," you say as you pull him away.
you have a nice dinner with your boyfriend and even laugh over the encounter later. but soonyoung is haunted for months. because he noticed how safe and easy it was between you and your boyfriend, and it reminded him of how you used to act with him before he messed everything up.
wonwoo. as cautious and careful as wonwoo always was about everything, regret was not a common experience for him. so it was quite the shock when he found himself filled with it night after night following his split from the person he left you for.
when he'd broken up with you, you'd sincerely wished him well, and promised he'd never see you again if he didn't want to. and two years later, you'd kept that promise, never reaching out to him, never begging him for an explanation he didn't want to give, never worrying him with memories of the two of you when you'd been happy.
and this had been part of the reason why he'd broken up with his new girlfriend -- he kept remembering how unobtrusive you were. the way you fit into his life like a puzzle piece made for him. and even now, as he rereads all the passionately hateful texts his now-ex spams his phone with, he remembers you.
it's been forever since he unfollowed you on social media, but he looks you up all the same. he almost follows you again, almost likes your most recent post of you out with some friends, but thinks better of it.
you were so fair to him, so up-front and honest about everything. how unkind it would be, he thinks, to dredge up the past when you look so happy. how unpleasant for you, to be reminded of someone who hurt you so deeply.
so he shuts off his phone and sinks into bed, allowing the regret to wash over him like a wave.
jihoon. explaining that he'd fallen out of love with you was the second most exhausting task of jihoon's entire life. the most exhausting one, it turns out, was staying in a relationship with the person he'd left you for while pesky reminders of you kept flooding his brain.
after yet-another fight with his current partner, jihoon lies awake in bed, his jaw clenched, as he remembers how you'd make up with him after a fight, crawling into bed beside him and kissing his cheeks and whispering "i'm sorry", sometimes through tears, until he'd turn and embrace you back.
his current partner never apologizes or even admits any responsibility at all. as he lays there remembering how it felt to have your face buried in his neck, he comes to the shocking realization that he wishes it was you beside him still.
because with you, he knew he could always tap you on the shoulder and beat you to an apology, and it would be immediately forgiven. the guilt of having broken a heart like that is too overwhelming for him, and he suddenly needs to talk to you like he needs air in his lungs to live.
so he silently slides from bed, picks up his cell phone, and leaves the room. he dials your number from memory, having deleted it from his phone.
"your call cannot be completed as dialed," the voice says. he blinks and tries again. same response. it occurs to him that you may have blocked him for your own sanity, and the guilt intensifies, turning into tears he hates almost as much as he hates himself.
he spends the rest of the night with his phone in his hand, looking for any traces of you that may be left in the photos and memories there.
#svt#svt angst#svt imagines#svt x reader#I AM EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE AND NOW IM REALLY SAD#seventeen#svt fic#svt hyung line#svt fanfic
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liam: [prepares to go on tour to commemorate an album that is inextricably linked to the brother he hasn’t spoken to in 15 years]
us:
#oasis#the oasis catastrophe#liam gallagher#bal said this and i had to wail#because it’s so true lol#i am fretting#people just keep tweeting at him about noel#and I know it’s inevitable but what if it makes him sad!!!#what about his fragile emotions?!?!?!#PLEASE we need to treat him delicately!!!
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sorry for speaking my truth it will happen again. i think my main issue with valax’s redemption arc is literally just that there’s never a moment where the mc gets to actually talk to her about what she did—there’s not really a cathartic conversation, so valax and mc moving past what she did to them feels less like forgiveness and redemption and more like an agreement to ignore the elephant in the room
like sure we got to talk about our trauma (in chapter 17 of 20. lol. lmao, even) to the party, but valax wasn’t present for that?? and like, sure, she says once that she is sorry “for the pain she caused [them]”, but there’s a difference Tew Me between “sorry for hurting you ig ✌️😗” and actually being like “yeah, i abducted you and forced you into a magically induced coma and stole your blood and robbed you of a full year of your life and repeatedly tried to murder you, to say nothing of the grief i caused your loved ones. i did all that shit and i’m sorry for it and deeply regret it, and i acknowledge that you don’t owe me forgiveness, but i will spend the rest of my life working to build a better world for my people instead of being my mother’s pawn”, and a difference between “my mother is unhappy with me for saving you :(” and actually like, giving the mc space to talk about the impact of her actions towards them. like girl you are not getting out of this shit with one sentence’s worth of apology and a sex scene lmfao!!!
during the first half or so of the book the focus for mc is not falling the fuck apart bc they have a friend group to tentatively piece together and they’re averse to showing fear in front of valax, so they’re repressing all their trauma—and by the time valax joins the party, the narrative has gone full Valax Cool And Good mode, and fully allows you to flirt with her and tease her and generally stops taking her seriously as an antagonist. which would be all fine and good if we had actually at any point gotten to be like, “hey, you abducting me and keeping me in a magically induced coma and stealing my blood and trying to kill me has actually caused me a lot of lasting fear and pain,” followed by some set of choices wrt forgiving or not forgiving her for all that in light of the revelation that she did all that shit bc her mom tortured and brainwashed her
like why are my friends more pissed off about the time this bitch abducted me and did evil little experiments on me than i am. free valax she did all that shit bc of her mommy issues but i should’ve gotten to call her a cunt just once. pb stop making all your mcs generals in the idgaf war challenge (IMPOSSIBLE)
#maeve speaks#playchoices#choices#pixelberry#blades of light and shadow#bolas#choices bolas#choices valax#bolas valax#blades valax#valax#princess valax#valax x mc#JENNY HOLZER VOICE INCORRECT MERCIFUL IMPULSES POSTPONE THE CLEANSING THAT PRECEDES REFORM.#YOU TASTE BLOOD AND KNOW THAT LIFE IS LOVELY FRAGILE AND YOU REMEMBER THAT THE OPPRESSED ERUPT AND MURDER.#the conflict between the shadow and light realms and the nature of the ash empire’s war is interesting.#valax using the mc’s pain as a means towards the ultimate end of a better life for her people is interesting.#but you can’t focus a whole story on revenge—you can’t give your big bad a partly-justified revenge quest—and then just not talk about#forgiveness and vengeance on an interpersonal level. nia forgives aerin no problem. mc forgives valax no problem.#can we get fucking real? and also a grip? and also a clue? do you think i come on this stupid fucking app to swallow rage the way i do irl.#aerin at least acknowledges the myriad ways that he wronged nia and nia gets to be impacted by his actions even a full year later#but EYE am barred from any meaningful discussion with valax abt her misdeeds bc she’s sad and hot?#who let the blades 2 writing team cook 🗣🗣💯💯#bro out of recipes again 🔥🔥‼️‼️🗣🗣🗣#bro turned the stove off he aint cookin 🔥🔥🔥🔥🗣🗣‼️‼️#etc etc. just so many great plot points and characters and FUMBLED execution every time.
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thinking about yassen gregorovich instead of sleeping (because i love him) and how he is a catalyst. yassen stabbs ash -> ash kills john rider -> ian rider raises alex -> yassen kills ian rider -> mi6 blackmails alex into becoming a teenage spy.
i have so many thoughts that i can't properly articulate. obviously this is a simplified chain of events, but yassen and his choices set off a chain reaction of the world's most unfortunate dominos. especially when you read russian roulette. to be clear im not necessarily trying to blame him for everything because that feels very mean. he was also just a 14 year old kid when everything in his life went wrong, just like alex. only difference being yassen literally had no one.
i think i should write an essay about this because i haven't even gotten into my thoughts about what yassen and alex's dynamic would look like past eagle strike. i would imagine it'd be similar to ellie and joel from the last of us part 2.
where obviously yassen loves alex and alex on some level cares for yassen back but struggles to reconcile that with the fact that yassen is responsible for his uncle's death. a very unforgivable act. it would be so messy and complicated and angsty, because on one hand here is an adult who truly cares about him and has a connection with him through his father. yassen could tell alex about john, and trust that yassen truly wants whats best for him. but he killed ian, and he cannot take that back.
while alex reels from those feelings, yassen is also trying to reconcile his love of alex with the knowledge that he on some level is responsible for the suffering alex endured at the hands of mi6. and possibly even the fact that alex's godfather is the one who killed john and helen.
#btw i think anthony horowitz killed yassen off so he wouldnt have to deal with this lmao#and sidenote ash is responsible for his own shitty choices but i think itd be difficult for yassen to cope with the fact that stabbing ash#led to some very bad consequences for literally everyone#are there any fics that are similar to what im describing?? ?#i read a ton of alex rider fics but i mostly read fluff because im actually too emotionally fragile to handle angst#i cried while reading stormbreaker and that book wasnt even supposed to be sad#if this is doesnt make any sense its because i woke up at 2 am and wrote this#its just word vomit; pure not proofread thoughts directly from my fucked up little brain#idk maybe someone will enjoy reading this#alex rider#yassen gregorovich#alex rider books#ian rider#john rider#chaotic ramblings#and final note i do not ship yalex#i was thinking of this more in terms of yassen having a weird guardian/parental relationship with alex#if it wasnt clear from my ellie and joel reference from the last of us#anyways im gonna go back to making shitposts and memes so i never have to feel anything again thank you goodnight <3
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what is it about lesbian media that fills me with the heaviest & most profound sadness in the pit of my stomach, in my throat, under my heart.
#keeping it fun and funky fresh#personal#matty watches#i am not even talking about things like carol (which absolutely did leave me with an indescribable aching sensation for days)#or bloom into you which i am watching now (i can't get the opening song out of my head and it feels like it's stealing my breath)#i'm talking about fucking Enchanting Grom Fright from the owl house! which made me so so so sad when i watched it back in aug 2020#and WHY. and for WHAT.#god.#it's like. it's some Gender Feelings for sure. plus ya know. my overall shall we say delicate mental state (:#but for god's sake i can't even watch some yuri without wanting to curl up and weep and subsume into the mossy forest floor#gender blogging#matty's mental health#i watched carol when it came out in 2015 while having the worst time of my life working on ssv oliver hazard perry#and like i said. already was having a horrible horrible time. and left the theatre absolutely emotionally devastated#feeling like i'd been shattered & the pieces just leaned back against each other#and not... really knowing why it was hitting me so hard or why i was feeling so fucking fragile about it#and that. was definitely an Egg Moment. i'd started id'ing as nonbinary like 6 months earlier.#idk. this got away from me#what i'm trying to say is. i'm watching bloom into you and i'm feeling incredibly fragile about it.#but also Why do i feel so incredibly fragile about every single fucking piece of lesbian media i've ever seen#ALSO INB4: I AM ALREADY A GIRL BY NOW AND AM A LESBIAN SO IF ANYONE IS GONNA MAKE AN ~I SUGGEST FORCEFEM~ JOKE PLS DON'T
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no cause miles is just so young.
he calls his dad, cause he's scared and upset and overwhelmed and he just wants to hear his voice.
he hugs him, even when he's "not supposed" to, when he's not his son and instead spiderman, when his dad has no idea who he is and only sees a vigilante.
when he hugs his dad, he presses into his chest, cause he's too short to rest his head on his shoulder, and he squeezes his eyes shut, cause he's no doubt about to cry (and we can't really see it, but I'm pretty sure he can't fully wrap his arms around his dad, which kills me).
when he dad hugs him, he's practically able to fit Miles's head in his hand. and the way he ran into him in a split second, and before his dad even knew what was wrong, he just held him????
I can't do this today, he's just so little, he's a baby, and he's been through so much, it's not fair, just look at him, what did he do to deserve any of this?
#don't mind me#I've been in a very#idk how to explain it#kid mood I guess#like I've just been very emotional about kids and how small and innocent and fragile they are#kinda like baby fever#type emotional#but for kids in general#and this little shit makes me viscerally upset#like I get so sad over him I feel nauseous#his head fits in his dads hand#like#come on#how am I supposed to be ok with this#and the way he squeezes his eyes shut like he's trying not to cry????#just put me down#he may be spiderman but he's just a little kid#give him a break#miles morales#miles morales 1610#atsv#spider man: across the spider verse#itsv#into the spider verse#jefferson morales#jeff morales#jefferson davis#jeff davis
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i'm so close to my next milestone STOP UNFOLLOWING ME
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Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death
#(i'm fine)#(personally) (mostly) (really)#this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals#and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that...#...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once#including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that#and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died#and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal#which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting#and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing#desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird#always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/#and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were#so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile#but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had#and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair#to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly*#and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful#i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why...#...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating#it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible#and feeling that way is 100% sane#and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple#for meaning and for ideas of what to do#so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things#and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days#often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control#and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being...#...at least a sliver about ME and my little world#about me
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I cried, I laughed I fell in love with all the new characters and fell even more in love with the old characters and I can’t wait for more!!
#HER PRINCE!!! HER PRINCE I am so happy and sad that I finished it#the fragile threads of power spoilers#the fragile threads of power#kell maresh#kell x lila#lila bard
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Grr
#is how I’m feeling#I’m Just A Girl and feeling super fragile and sensitive today and I’m so busy with work i need to go and gotta finish a fic chapter and all#i wanna do is lay in bed and cry but i gotta channel my inner miss swift and be productive (“i cry a lot but i am so productive”)#just venting don’t mind me#just . feeling sad . not very rad#ALSO I’m leaving on holiday in like 3 days which is so wonderful but also gotta pack and tidy my whole house before then ahhh#m talks#personal
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i think cherie cared for alec the same way she might care for a doll. he was sometimes fun to put in situations and mess with but ultimately he was disposable as soon as he became uninteresting. she might show fleeting affection if the idea of being a good sister seemed attractive to her in that moment the same way someone might watch wednesday and want to experiment with goth fashion. however i imagine she put a lot more weight on it, thinking maybe if she acted like this or that she'd finally be normal, except the facade was always that: a mask that hid but didn't change the fact that she was fundamentally broken.
#cherie vasil#cherishposting#alec vasil#i got too silly about her#my cherish era is honestly over but i still have thoughts#a fragile sense of identity does wonders for character analysis#i am more in my bonesaw era but more silly less sad#mostly just thinking about cool body horror
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you're going to hear a lot about me this weekend when I finally get out of this jail called college and work 🙏🏼 please get your inbox ready for my thoughts cause I've been cooking up these ideas
Ok I know I have been a menace in your asks and I can't believe I'm saying this but please can we go back to the stepcest I can't handle any more Toji angst I am literally crying rn lmao
I feel like I'm gonna regret saying that but 🥺
#please spare my fragile heart i love him too much#i am not ok at all#i know the last one i did to myself but. i. I'm. I'm crying for real 😭😭#toji 🥺😭#my beloved 😭😭#sorry i am excited to see your thoughts!!!! I'm just very sad now also lol#also i am blaming you even though it's like mostly my own fault#anyway. i love you i am excited to see your thoughts on any topic even if it is Toji angst making me cry
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