#but i also cant say where to fit that amongst everything else

[brown-bear-64]

Honestly the best way I can describe the 2nd season of Arcane is written by extremely competend writers who bit off way more than they could chew. Especially in that short of a timeframe.

It's possible that it was a higher up decision for future League shows, but the focus on the Black Rose & magic worldbuilding took away focus from the core cast and the narrative of 2 cities/sisters opposed to one another. They desperately needed at least 3 more episodes

The writers are competent, but they made some deliberate choices I don't like and pulled focus from things I believe they should've left in focus. It feels like the entire narrative of the show got changed between seasons, and maybe it was always the intention and I should rewatch the entire show front-to-back without a massive hiatus in-between them for me to get it, but from my current standing... It could've been more, and the things that they did focus on and give time to were really good. It's just that the show lost its priorities and primary narrative along the way

[nothorses]

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, and I worry about saying this off anon but I want to actually, be a face as I do. When I came out I knew I wasn't cis, and I was lucky enough to have the support of two wonderful trans partners, but I had an extremely hard time finding my place in the trans community. I am pro MOGAI and new, hyperspecific terms because I know how important it can be to want to put a name, a flag, and individual pride to your identity. 1/?

I switched my own terms quite a lot, from demigirl to genderfae to genderflux to where I am now, genderfluid. But I remember there was a moment, because I was so sure I was only female aligned, where I thought for just a moment that I might be a boy, and I was terrified, I didnt want to be a boy, I didnt want to be "that trans." Like every trans person, I struggled with internalized transphobia, not feeling valid or true enough in my identity, 2/15

But that dreadful feeling of being Scared of being a boy is something I think about a lot, and something I think is truly telling. I'll admit I primarily (only) use tumblr because social media honestly isnt my thing, so I can only speak to what I've seen here, but I remember seeing so little about trans men, other than the occasional mention in broad positivity posts, the even rarer info about binding or passing, but I did see how much people hated men. 3/15

It was always implied to be about cis men, I've been spared the more modern issues regarding overt hatred of trans men, but I saw the constant anger and vitriol and genuine hatred for men. And I realize now I wasnt just scared of being "too trans" I was scared of being hated. So I made myself nonthreatening, I called myself a boy, I performed femininity to an even higher, though subversive standard, because I was still so scared of being a man. The enemy. The oppressor. 4/15

It took many more months to dare say I wanted to call myself a man, and even then I was scared, in the comfort and safety of my girlfriend's company. I felt dirty saying it, and I still do. I always only dare to refer to myself as a trans man, instead of just as a man. And I do want to sidetrack for a moment and say my relationship to gender, as a genderfluid person, is admittedly more complex than just when I feel this way, in other ways people are also particularly hateful towards, 5/15

But even with those other facets, and my fear of being open in them, pale in comparison to my relationship with masculinity. Because when I did come out and admit to myself that sometimes, I am not a woman, or nonbinary, I am a man, I became more aware of things. I exited wonderland, so to say. Suddenly I became so much more aware of how much people simply did not care about me or people like me, and especially not our problems or concerns. 6/15

I saw how invisible I was, and worse than that, I saw a very subtle malice. The only mention of trans men were in those broad positivity posts including everyone under the trans umbrella, or in the rare case something was positive exclusively for trans men, it was always reblogged with "dont forget trans women/enby people" tacked on, I remember once I looked in the trans tag and counted how many posts it took to find one exclusively about trans men that didnt mention binding 7/15

I got into the forties. Because on other posts, I would see people make passive aggressive remarks about how "trans men are talked about too much" or "there's all these resources for trans men, what about trans women" and I wanted to know on what earth the people who said that were living on, because the only, and I mean the only thing people tend to talk about in regards to trans men is how to safely bind, and rarely, the effects of HRT. 8/15

This happened a while ago, but I remember seeing a number of posts on my dash about how much representation trans men receive. I believe there was a panel about trans people, where a majority of the panelists were trans men, and trans women were less represented than them. They encouraged people to complain, said we received too much attention, and pointed at mythical trans male rep in media that in reality, I could count on one hand. I remember being so angry and passionate about it 9/15

Now im honestly just tired. I dont feel accepted by the trans community, and even the trans male community is iffy (I fit in amongst mogai people most, but I cant deny trumeds are particularly prevalent, and it wore on me), and it's so tiring to have every post made by trans men for trans men have to be preambled by belittling themselves and downplaying their own suffering. I just want to exist in peace, but I feel like that's too much to ask. 10/15

I've reached a point of exhaustion that I have become entirely apathetic to my own gender, what was once a deeply important aspect of my identity. I feel disconnected from it, and as a consequence from my own body. I don't bother examining it anymore because I can't feel it, as someone who suffers from dissociation, I feel dissociated from it in order to protect myself, something I was once so openly proud about. 11/15

Im scared to try and push for transition, for my own personal reasons, but now on top of those Im terrified of being silenced and belittled and hated for something that should make me happy. I've tried so hard not to feed into the lateral violence and become embittered towards trans women, because that's not fair, but I won't lie and say it hasnt been hard when I have seen more than I ever would've liked be so willing to ignore or outright throw their brothers under the bus 12/15

And of course there are even more who do show their support for their brothers, and for that im thankful, but this invisibility effects how I perceive everything. I feel like I've been pushed back into the closet, I say im trans because I know I'm not cis but I don't even know who I am, what my place is, and I'm scared to explore because I'm scared that who I am will be violently rejected by the people meant to support me. I want to be free to even explore who I am. 13/15

I wish people would listen to my experiences and what I have to say, but in every microaggression every act of ignoring I feel silenced. Trans men are viewed as predatory, just in a different way; trans men are fetishized and have chasers; trans men face higher rates of violence and sexual assault for being trans men; research about transmasc transition is almost nonexistent, and new, better surgeries are not even thought about; transmasc history is erased and silenced. 14/15

I, feel like im rambling at this point, and I'm sorry I've been so longwinded, I just. I want to thank you, for creating a space where I can speak my truth, because before finding your blog I didn't think anyone would care. I feel like I have so much more to say but honestly im scared, and too tired, and have said enough for now. I just want this feeling of loneliness to go away and hopefully I'll find a way to accept myself. Thank you for listening to me, and giving me a platform to speak 15/15

(Edited the numbers for accuracy)

Thank you for trusting me with this, and to other folks: I think this is an important narrative to listen to and share!

[catboysimulator]

Story Seven - El Primario y Segundo Desafio

Summers had come and gone since Dhezi's arrival, having spent about three years now with his tribe. Time had flown by, while also feeling like he had been with them forever. He has learned a lot with them-- changed a lot with them. Looking back to the person he once was, it's a bit surreal with how much had changed.

There was a difference in how he carried himself, how he acted. He was still silly and playful, loud and energetic-- yet, he was no longer the same child people thought him as. 

Back then, Dhezi was just a kid in a grownup's body. He had missed out on a lot of his childhood, and clung onto the desire to make up for it-- clung onto the feelings and experiences he was unable to go through as a normal kid would. Yet, ever since he has been welcomed home in the Sagolii, he has experienced that and much more. He was able to make up for lost time with them, and has grown into a better person for it. More mature, ready to take things on and handle his responsibilities. 

With mental and emotional changes, came some physical ones as well. Through the years, Dhezi has learned to take on new skills and strengths, including wielding an axe, chakrams, as well as some magic. Though, still, he remained a tried and true monk, his main power lying within his own raw physical strength.

He still taught the children almost daily on what he knew-- the same way his master had taught him before she had passed. Even if he didn't follow down the Fist's path, her path, he still took her teachings to heart and was sure to pass them down, too. 

As far as Dhezi was aware, he had experienced all celebrations and rites he had missed out on prior to his arrival three years ago, so he was going through his daily life normally and without any surprises. It was a life he had gotten used to quickly, picking things up easily as they came at him, as though he was just... meant to be here all his life. It's a conflicting feeling, really. He's happy to be here, happy to finally have the opportunity to be with the family he came from and call the Sagolii his home. Yet...

He misses Ul'dah. He misses his friends outside of the Sagolii; his family. His home.

Tani saw something in Dhezi, knowing that perhaps he was feeling a certain homesickness. Why wouldn't he, when the home he's known all his life was outside of here? So, he decided to talk to Sena and Maryn regarding this, bringing it up to them, and they too noticed it. The three spoke amongst each other, trying to figure out what to do for Dhezi... before deciding on the Desafios.

Every four years, the Sankres hold competitions called the Primaria and Segundo Desafio.

The Sankres have three sects within the tribe; Azuline, Roholo, and Amarila. The way people are separated is by the color of their eyes; blue, red, and yellow. Those with colors between can go with any group they want. These groups (or in this case, teams!) are purely established for sports and competitions, because at the end of the day, everyone is still part of the same pride.

The way the Primaria Desafio is done is by the Matron's Blessing. For those who would like to participate in the Desafio, they must first receive Rahja's blessing. Those chosen would then go up against the others within their groups who have also received her blessing, to see who would come out on top. 

So, Tani approached Dhezi one day, bringing up these... competitions.

Of course, Dhezi seemed to light up at the mention of these challenges and good sportsmanship, so why not? He grins and nods, eagerly accepting the invitation. Tani merely grinned in turn, smacking Dhezi's back eagerly and earning a loud 'oof' from her cousin.

On the first day of the Desafio, the challengers awaited to receive Rahja's blessing before moving back to their respective groups, preparing for the games they would be participating in. These games included challenges of strength, as well as wit. These sorts of games will help find the most capable out of all the willing contestants.

When it was time for the games, everyone was sporting their group's colors and wearing their respective feathers upon their heads, the cave practically a giant stadium. There were people cheering and music playing, lots of food and lots of festivities, decorations and colorful lights put up. It was an exciting time for everyone!

Though, when it came time for the contestants to introduce each other and wish each other luck, Dhezi couldn't help but to become Incredibly Nervous at the sight of his cousin Tani towering over him. He sure didn't expect to see her competing-- don't the leaders have other things to do? Though, he also noted how Sena and Maryn were also competing... Strange. 

With an intimidating, toothy, fanged grin, Tani loomed over Dhezi with a small narrow to her eyes. "Don't think that b'cause ye're m'cousin I'm gonna go easy on ya, primito."

Gulping, Dhezi shook his head and gave a sheepish smile. "N-- not at all!" And that was exactly what he was nervous about.

The challenges available were those of strength, agility, one's roar, strategy, quick-thinking, and reflexes-- but also, teamwork. Everything else is fun and exciting to see how people tackle, yet teamwork is integral, as well, for those in the same group as well as with the others. The tribe does not work on one person, it works on everyone.

The Roholo would be the last to compete against each other, so it gave Dhezi plenty of time to nearly keel over from nerves. He's never done anything like this, he doesn't know what's going to happen.

Before he knew it, he was lining up with 4 other Roholo members, including Tani. He kind of blanked for a second, yet came right back when he heard one of the elders call out, 'Let the games begin!' with raucous applause and cheering following after. 

Being grabbed by the shoulders, he was yanked backwards and led towards the first challenge by Tani-- before being led to another. Then another. And another. And another.

-------------------------

Back to back, there were challenges that showed off his abilities and capabilities. These events went from day all the way to night time, everyone exhausted from these games and yet still so excited and eager to learn who won!

Tani passed a glance over towards Dhezi, a knowing expression on their countenance along with a smile. The elders approached the three groups, looking over each miqo'te that had participated with a scrutinizing gaze, before making their choices. With a hand around his wrist, Dhezi was pulled out of the Roholo, while Sena and Maryn were chosen out of the Azuline and Amarila. 

Blinking owlishly, Dhezi looked to the elder, before towards his two uncles... A wide grin would grow on his face as his ears wiggle, his tail wagging just a tad as cheers erupted! Hooray!

Yet, Dhezi froze upon hearing the elder call, "Welcome to our new lideres!"

His gaze grew wide-eyed as his pupils blew as round as saucers, staring towards the elder with lowered ears. "... Lideres?" he inquired, softly, before his gaze flicked over towards his uncles before falling onto Tani who slowly approached him. Placing a heavy paw on Dhezi's shoulder, the older Seeker nodded while offering a gentle smile towards Dhezi. 

"The Primaria Desafio is done every four years for us to see who will become the next three leaders of th'tribe," he explains, grinning toothily down at the younger one. "'nd y'were chosen out of all a'us t'represent th'Roholo."

Remaining silent, Dhezi kept his gaze on Tani with an indiscernible expression, something within him stirring at this sudden responsibility. "I--... Why didn't ya tell me?" he inquired softly between them, and the older one merely shrugged. "B'cause I knew ya'd be a good fit fer th'spot," she answered, yet something was left out. They merely stared down at Dhezi with a scrutinizing look. "Well? What do ya say?"

Letting his wrist drop from the elder's hold, he stares down at the ground as his ears flatten back to the sides of his head as his tail droops. Opening his mouth a few times, it shuts and continues to shut every time he tries to croak out some words, before simply settling on shaking his head.

Tani merely continued to smile, canting their head to the side as they squeeze Dhezi's shoulder. "Speak, primo. Ye're among family, 'nd most importantly, people who love ya 'nd understand ya."

Looking back up at them after a moment, he gulps down a lump in his throat before shaking his head again. "... I can't. I can't take that position," he mutters, before Tani prods further by asking 'why?'

"I-. I have responsibilities elsewhere-- I-- I have other family t'go back ta 'nd see again. I cannot commit ta bein' a leader here, b'cause I'm still a leader somewhere else."

Tani's lower eyelids push up a bit, nodding. "I know, primo. I'm glad y'know it, too."

"-- Wh-? Y'ain't...mad?"

"Not at all. In fact, I'm happy that ye're able t'know where yer priorities lie. It's okay if y'can't lead us, it ain't th'end a'th'shard. Dhezi, we knew since th'moment y'got here that yer heart ain't one that stays in one place ferever. It drifts, 'nd y'go wherever it takes ya, 'nd honestly I kinda envy ya fer it. But like most everyone else here, I know this is where I will stay 'till I move on to th' great plains, but do y'think that's somethin' fer ya?"

"... I--... I wanna say yes, but... I can't-- choose."

"This is not t'make ya choose, primo," she states, taking a firm grip of his shoulders and grounding him. "This is t'help ya realize 'nd come ta terms that y'miss home, 'nd yer family. Y'know, th'ones that ain't here. Ye're not someone who's tethered t'one place-- ya've reached far 'nd wide ta other places 'nd have left yer mark everywhere y'go. Y'really got th'spirit of a true griffin; fierce, strong, protective... y'take care a'yer family, yer friends, all'a yer loved ones. But ye're also adventurous, curious, 'nd free. That's somethin' that no one can stifle or force from ya. No one can jus' force resposibilities on ya or make ya do things y'don't wanna. Ye're th'one who leads yer own life 'nd makes yer own decisions. Ye're th'only one who knows ya best."

Dhezi's ears lowered further the more Tani spoke, nodding slowly and gazing down at the ground, before Tani placed a gentle paw upon his forehead. "Don't think that this changes how we feel 'bout ya, primo. B'cause no matter what, ye're still family, 'nd that will never change. All that I ask from ya, personally, is fer ya t'visit us whenever y'can...aye?"

"A'course--! A'course, Tani..." he croaks out with a hoarse voice, nodding as he smiles and blinks a few times. With a smile of her own, she leans down to press a kiss to Dhezi's forehead after pulling her paw away. "Gracias, primo."

After a moment, the elder approaches once more with a gentle smile, taking Tani's wrist and lifting his arm up. "Our leaders!"

Once more, cheers erupt at the announcement as the three leaders come together, touching one of their hand's knuckles to one another's, before pressing them to their chests. 

With this, the Primaria Desafio is completed. Yet, tomorrow would be the Segundo, where the three leaders would go against each other to see who will be the head branch and the wings.

For now, everyone will return to their homes and celebrate with lots of food and some good rest for the next day. Heading to Sena's home, Dhezi took a long bath to unwind from the day and think. 

Once it was time for dinner, Maryn and Tani stopped by as well so they coukd all cook some delicious caldo and roast some sandworm meat, sitting around the table and chatting amongst each other. Joining them at the table after his bath, Dhezi continued to ruffle at his own hair with the towel before Tani papped his hands away so he could do it instead, ruffling up his cousin's hair for him but also making sure to help him thoroughly dry it. Not without messing with her cousin a little bit, of course.

Laughing, Dhezi lightly bats at Tani's arms while sucking his teeth, rolling his eyes. They grinned toothily down at Dhezi, continuing to dry his hair while saying, "You have somethin' on yer mind, primo. Let it out."

"-- Why do ya always call me out like this, huh?"

"It's my duty as yer cousin."

"Uh-huh. ... Well, I-... I was thinkin' 'bout...goin' back ta Ul'dah."

Becoming gentler in their ministrations, they looked up towards Sena and Maryn as they took care of Dhezi's hair, and his uncles merely smiled in response. Sena nodded, reaching a hand over to give a hearty pap to Dhezi's arm that rested upon the table, giving it a few fond rubs. "Then go, mijo. We will not keep you here if you wish to return to the rest of your family. Though, we would like it if you visited us again, too."

"Always, tio. There's no way 'm jus' gonna ferget y'all. Plus, y'all know where I live, too, so y'can always feel free t'drop by fer a visit, y'know?"

"Of course. Thank you, sobrino. When will you be leaving?"

"In a few sennights. I wanna see what's gonna happen t'morrow, 'nd then I'm gonna say goodbye t'everyone else."

"Sounds like a plan, kiddo," Maryn agrees with a nod, grinning and also reaching out to pat at Dhezi's arms a few times. This helps the young Seeker release tension that he didn't know he had pent up all this time, releasing a shaky laugh as he slumps and melts onto the table. He muffles into the wood, "Thanks... Thank ya-- fer everythin' y'all have done fer me."

"We did nothin' fer ya, primo, y'did everythin' yerself. We were jus' there t'help," Tani states, rubbing at Dhezi's head before draping the towel around his shoulders. "We're jus' happy t'have ya back, Dhezi, 'nd we know ya'll come back ta us whenever y'want."

With a warm smile, heart, and a belly full of food, Dhezi went to bed that night with a new sense of adventure in his heart, eager to return to Ul'dah and everyone else soon.

-------------------------

Of course, not without first seeing the Segundo Desafio! Again, everyone was gathered up to witness the second challenge, where the leaders would go head-to-head. Yet this time, they were outside.

This is the final challenge, and it is one where the three must again receive the Matron's blessing-- before she calls on her fledgelings, Rima, Tega, and Oto. The three may be young-- but that does not mean they cannot fly. 

As the three young griffins approached the leaders, they chose their handler for the day. Oto with Maryn, Tega with Sena, and Rima with Tani. Mounting the fledgelings after dressing them with their saddles, they take their reins and take flight. 

The magic users of the tribe created rings up in the air for the three to race through, as well as levitated targets and dummies for the three to shoot at and strike. 

Readying their bows, the three began their paths into the rings, holding onto the fledgelings with their legs and keeping their balance as they leveled their arms and shoulders, loosing their arrows towards the targets. Each one of them hit, yet some closer to their marks than others. Whenever they flew closer to their targets, they would slice and hack at them with their weapons, 

Flying closer towards the sun, the three would then turn and dive back down towards their final targets, releasing their own roars that rang throughout the desert. Each dummy's head is lopped off, Tani's with their axe, Sena's with his blade, and Maryn with his magicks. 

Landing back on the sand, the tribespeople would release loud, raucous cheering, satisfied and more with the show and sportsmanship. 

With the tallies marked up, the elders look to Tani with renowned pride, taking the Head Branch circlet and dawning it upon their head, while Maryn receives a feather upon the left side of his head, and Sena on his right. 

Grinning toothily, Tani then looks to Sena with a playful upwards tilt of his head, chuffing. "Told ya I'd fly circles 'round ya next time, viejo."

Sena couldn't help but to bark out in laughter at that, patting his sobrine's back before slinging his arm around Maryn's shoulders. "You sure did!" he responds with a nod and a grin before bumping his fist to Maryn's chest. "Switched places I see, eh, hermano?"

Maryn merely scoffed and rolled his eyes, poking Sena's side roughly with an amused, toothy grin. "Don't think that you can do my job better than me."

"Hah! We'll see!"

With the new leaders decided and the branches settled, it was now time for the exchange of feathers after thoroughly preening them. The Azuline give the Roholo their griffin feathers on both sides of their heads, the Roholo to the Amarila on their left side, and the Amarila to the Azuline on their right.

After placing the feathers upon each others' heads, the pride takes the rest of the day to celebrate and dance, their spirits loud and free. 

-------------------------

For the next few sennights, Dhezi had packed up his belongings and gave his farewells to his family, also being sure to give his partings to the children he had taught for the past three years, as well. He promised to visit them all every few moons, because now that he has found his pride, he is never going to leave them behind.

On the day of his departure, he gave his family warm hugs, clinging onto the backs of their clothes and letting their embrace linger before parting, smiling towards them. Tani grinned and pressed her fist lightly to her cousin's cheek, releasing a small chuff. "Don't worry, primito. We will see each other again, as long as we continue to live beneath the same Sun. Bajo el mismo Sol."

With a nod, Dhezi grinned toothily with a wiggle of his ears, turning to leave the cave before Rahja had shifted before him. Lowering herself and her wing, she turned her head towards her back for the young Seeker to climb on, causing him to blink a few times from surprise before his grin grew. He lets out a delighted laugh, moving over towards the griffin and giving her a big hug to her neck before climbing onto her back.

With a bellow, she ran out of the caves with Dhezi upon her back before taking flight, carrying home safe and sound.

Bajo el mismo Sol.

[kichimiangra]

I only needed 5 minutes...

A story of my day.

I Dunno who actually wants to read this? I wouldn't even want to. But I feel like I need to vent. The last couple of weeks have been fucked... but yesterday I ruined the day... again. I've been doing that alot lately. Almost every other Saturday since August. I hope venting makes me feel better if nothing else. I'll probably delete this later because I don't like leaving a notable paper trail of this stuff that anyone can find. Nothing but trouble comes of that. When I'm on my pc I'll put this under a read more because I dunno how to do that on mobile.

-----------------------

The Holidays are almost over and I am running out of time to get done. One thing in particular, a gift, is unfortunately gone. My mom has orchestrated all of Christmas, even down to the gifts other people are getting for her... and she's not happy about it. She feels like nobody is willing to lift a finger to help her make Christmas happen. I wanted to surprise her.

She loves making soap. I'm not good at sculpture but I wanted to make a custom soap mold for her. I began with the original that would be used to make the mold. It took days upon days of trying and retrying to get it satisfactory, including one failure where my momnpoked her head in and I slammed my chin down on it so she wouldn't see, though my dad swears my mom never pokes her head into my room... but like she does???

Anyway... I finally had my original, though I think I could do better there's not much time left. I ordered a silicone mold kit and went to work... and it failed immensely. BUT there's still a little time left! I'll order another. Now THIS time was frustrating.

My mom wasn't being nosy... but literally EVERYTIME I got the stuff out to work on she would be there by sheer coincidence! Wait until she's asleep? Dad will have a coughing fit and wake her up and she'll wander out into the kitchen. Wait until she's out of the house? She never leaves. Wait until she does? She forgot something and comes home unexpectedly and I have to quickly hide my shit. She's not doing it on purpose but it gets more and more frustrating that I just can't just fucking get this done! Like... Jeebus Christmas! My dad says this doesnt happen but... it does????? And then I fuck up my second attempt. Fuck... I have less time...

But that's okay! I have enough time to order another kit! I've only spent 80$ so far with nothing to show but third times a charm!!!

Once again I just can't get the time to get this done. She's always there, or up, or poking her head in. It's almost cartoonish! But I have not time left. It has to be today.

My folks go down for an afternoon nap and I immediately get to work. I get toward the end of working, all's going well. I only need 5 minutes...

Then my dad gets up and my moms not far behind. Fuck... I can't move the mold yet... fuck. I just need 5 fucking minutes! I'm wrestling with curious cats. Fuck... My dad is useless at maybe luring my mom away. Fuck... my mom insists she needs to be in that same corner I'm working at. Fuck...! I just need five minutes!!!

Then of course disaster strikes... there's a crack or a hole in my original and silicone is leaking out! I had barely enough silicone to even make this happen! I can't afford to lose anymore! Fuck! I need to fix this! I just need 5 minutes to fix this!

I'm getting frustrated to the point I am starting to do that angry sob thing. I take it to another room now that I can move it. I just need 5 minutes to fix this! My parents follow my to the other room to find out what's wrong. Honestly my dad knows what I'm trying to do so given the context what do you thing is wrong dad? Clearly something has gone wrong with my mold. I tell him to go away cuz really I'm trying to fix this and I need to be left alone. I need five minutes to fix this... but he won't leave until I tell him what's wrong. I try to whisper it to him, the mold is leaking, I don't have enough silicone, nowhere local sells it, I can't get more in time. But his hearing has gone so he can't hear what I'm saying! He wants me to speak up but mom is just around the corner in the other room! I need him to fucking go. I'm frustrated and I tell him rudely "Just fuck off! I have to fix this!" Rude and inappropriate I know... but I just need 5 fucking minutes to fucking fix this I am sobbing at this point.

My dad leaves but of course my mom comes in next and wants to know what's wrong. I'm being very curt with her using my body to block the sight of my mess, telling her as calmly as I can, which isnt very calm, that nothings wrong, no she cant help me fix it, I'll tell her later, go back to the kitchen. I don't swear at my mother. That is important. I just need 5 minutes to fix this!

Finally the leak stops but so much silicone is on my baking tray that the mold is no longer submerged. I use a plastic spoon to get as much as I can back in the mold but it's not enough. I'm covered in silicone up to my wrist, and it's also in my hair. I put it up on a high shelf because the cats helped ruin mold #2 and sit down to mourn the loss of the only gift I had for my mom. I had no backup plans and this ones a bust.

I just need 5 minutes to calm down. I was rude to my parents and need to apologize to them, but first I need 5 minutes to just calm down and breath. Maybe I can find another gift in time? Maybe I can just wrap the original and promise in the nearish future when I can procure more silicone that she will have a mold? First I need to calm down. Then I need to apologize.

My dad comes into the room and chews me out about how rude as I was and how I need to go apologize to my mother. I hate when they do this, now when I apologize it's because I was told to, not because I took the initiative to. My folks can't comprehend I would otherwise apologize if not being told. All I wanted was 5 minutes to calm down.

I go and apologize. I am not the good guy in all of this, I am an adult. An autistic adult but an adult nonetheless, and being rude to my parents was inappropriate regardless. I didn't get my 5 minutes but off to apologize I go. "I'm sorry I lashed out guys. I was doing something, it didn't go my way, I got super frustrated and you guys were just there by coincidence. I didn't mean to lash out." I did mean what I said.

Mom didn't see it that way. My mom is very passive aggressive and honestly I get to be one of the reasons today she hates living here in this house and around us because all we do is "abuse" her physically and verbally. She hates living here and she hates being around us. I apologized again because great. Once again Kacey ruins everything. I need to stop being upset about this shit it's like every other saturday! She continues about how much she hates it here. I leave the room trying and failing not to sob.

My mom also gets up and goes to another room. Whatever she's doing is loud and she's quite verbal about it. I go back to my room, I just need 5 minutes to cry and calm down again. I still have other shit to do for Christmas too.

My mom comes by with a box and puts it on the table, with a sharpie she writes "Christmas soap fail 2020" and tells dad to take it to the basement. For context we had been making soap kits for xmas gifts. I had coworkers who got me gifts. I was dissuaded from buying them much in return because we were makin by the soap gift bags. Those where the soaps... I have nothing in return to give my coworkers. I don't have enough time... all the while my mom is still going off. Later my dad says it wasn't all my fault, he had done something to upset her earlier in the day, then my older sister, I was just the straw that broke the camels back. But honestly in this family it's whatever baby wants; baby gets." And what baby wants is to be mad at me.

I go upstairs and hide in my brother's room. Surprisingly despite the fact that my mom acts like he is one of the only people who care about her and defend her, he was the first one to tell me "Fuck her. If she wasn't going to be mad at you it was going to be something else. Now watch me play Aladdin on Sega genesis!"

After a while my younger sister came over to do her laundry. I began to quietly tell her what the flippity floop she walked in on. In the middle my mom came out and started chewy us out. Y'know, don't let her interrupt us from talking privately amongst ourselves about how much of a bitch she is. Her words not mine. And to be fair I was telling my sister about how I lashed out and caused this. But my mom doesn't like when we sibs talk privately, though she also doesn't like if we overhear what her and my dad talk about privately. Double standards I know.

I thought maybe if I explained what was up maybe she'd understand? So I out myself. I was trying to make her a surprise gift. She orchestrated ALL of Christmas and I just wanted to surprise her. Everything started going wrong and I was getting frustrated because she woke up and entered the room at an AWFUL time and I couldn't get me and my wip gift away from her seeing which made everything worse. Now one thing to know about my mom, explaining oneself is equated to excusing your behavior... and she does not tolerate that. She chews me out more. I'm sobbing again.she insists I told her to fuck of and get away from me... even though I did NOT curse at my mom... at all. I was rude but I did NOT say that! I repeat that I had just wanted to surprise her. She tells me about how unsurprised she is that this is how her day ends. She tells me that she doesn't want whatever trinket I was making for her because now it's tied up in the baggage of having apparently told her to fuck off and get away from me, that she doesn't want another in a long line of ass-kissy gifts because that makes being rude to her okay. It wasn't an ass kissy gift in response to being rude to her... it was a custom made Christmas gift for her... because I thought she'd be surprised? Because I thought it'd make her happy? Though I guess it doesn't matter... she doesn't want it anymore. She doesn't care what it was. Now it is a bad reminder of me treating her like everyone in her whole life has except specifically people who are dead. I have ruined quite a few things.

Honestly... I love my mom. I love her so much and I wish she could be happy. I want to do things to make her happy. But when she tells me that I am just one of the things that make her wanna run away to another state and tell no ody where she went and love alone... I'm not gonna sugar coat it, I wish I was dead.

I am a 29 year old autistic woman. I feel like a failure at growing up. I have stressed part of my colon into not working anymore. I still live at home with my parents and work in a minimum wage fast food job. I have few friends and I speak to them infrequently, but if you are at a place where I call you friend... we could not talk for 10 years and your still my friend until officially broken up. I surround myself with animals and I play with a digimon tamagotchi. My sisters have grown up jobs and drive and live in an apartment away from home and I feel like a failure because I missed all these adulting milestones. I feel CONSTANTLY guilty about everything. I feel like I can't say "hey let's do a shark mermaid themed charity zine and all the proceeds can go to buying preservatives for Rosie the dead great white shark!!!" Without the guilt at the mere idea that someone will tell me "Wow... you care more about a dead shark than say... real living people? You know there's no water in Flint right???" Without feeling guilty that... yes? I like a dead shark more than living people? I don't like people? Also shark is cool? I feel guilty that if I call a day off work SOMEONE ELSE has to be inconvenienced to work my shift. I feel guilty playing World of Warcraft because I'm accused of "Chasing a time I view as better" instead of growing up and moving on. I feel guilty about wanting to ask for someone else's time because they too have shit to do. I feel guilty about so many things...

And I feel guilty when my mom says I'm just another abuser in her life. Her fuse is so short it takes almost nothing to set her off. You have to be calm and happy all the time or she has to "walk on eggshells because anything she does can set US off!"

When my mom is mad at me like that... I hate myself. I have some dark thoughts on a normal day but when she's mad at me in this specific way... I wish I could just unexist. Or go to sleep and just not wake up. I can always logic my way away from the dark thoughts... but they're there nonetheless. And when I'm one of the things that makes my mom want to run away? Then I just wish I was dead really. Or just unalive. Not since I was 14 at least. I don't want to die. Just cease to be. I don't know if that counts as being suicidal but I'll tag for it anyway.

I don't normally talk about this shit with people. I don't wanna look like I'm crying out for attention or help or pity. I don't talk to my folks about it because there's never a good time. When I try to hint it's not taken seriously, and when things aren't bad I don't feel as bad. Keeping quite hasn't made me feel better so maybe just typing this out and being heard will make me feel even slightly better? Like a diary entry.

There's more to the morbs in my life but for now I leave it as this. It's 7am, I am in bed and have dried silicone in my hair and under my nailes, and I have work today. Who knows, maybe it'll all blow over like it never happenned like the bipolar way things go in my family sometimes. Maybe I'll get out of work and my folks will be happily dancing in the livingroom to sugar pie honeybunch like teenagers in love and I will be the only one stressed about it.

Don't take this post at face value. This is only my side. The human brain is flawed and the human ego will remake memories to protect itself. I normally turn to siblings who where there at the time to tell me if what I think happenned really happenned that way.... but I've also been informed that my siblings don't want to deal with me, and don't have the balls to call me out on my bullshit so will tell me whatever I want to hear, so really... I don't even trust that my recount of events even happenned that way.

Maybe I'll continue the story in another post?

And now

I go to bed. Goodnight. I am a tired bitch. I probably only just need 5 minutes to fall asleep.

P.s. I'm sorry if you read all that. It's a bummer. I know. I'll hide it under a read more when I'm on pc.

[kuro-shit-posts]

Hello love I hope you enjoy your request! I wasnt sure if you wanted nsfw or not so i took the liberty of adding just in case.

Also @brokensilence19 is a new scenarios blogs and is super sweet and talented so you guys should go check them out!! ———————— Ciel: Turn Ons (SFW): •I.n.t.e.l.l.i.g.e.n.c.e, he loves that stuff, platonic, romantic, everything in between, intellect is a major turn on to him

•Playful banter. Ciel loves bickering and aruging even though he likes to put up the front that he’s too mature for such childish behavior

•Ciel enjoys being challenged but at the same time he likes winning even more, so someone who is a great opponent but still not great enough to beat him would definitely intrigue him

•Ciel kinda has a thing for people with an aura of sorrow about them

•He’s drawn to someone who is familiar with tragedy in the same way he is, he finds comfort in a kindred spirit

•He likes when someone takes that sadness or tragedy and uses it to benefit themselves like he does with his own misery, instead of letting it weigh them dosn

Turn offs: (Sfw) •Definitely immaturity

•Ciel hates this because he has such a maturity complex, being around someone else whom acts like a child reminds of the fact that he himself is, by definition, a child and he hates being reminded of that

•I would say stupidity to a degree

•Someone who isn’t incredibly intelligent but still tries their best or makes up for it in other ways, i.e Lizzy, Finny, Soma, would annoy him but wouldn’t necessarily turn him off

•However ignorance or someone who was stupid and lacked any other redeemable qualities would turn him off completely

•He hates people who are unaware of themselves or reality

Sebastian: Turn Ons (Sfw): • Similar to Ciel, he likes a challenge

•Sebastian enjoys being put to the test and unlike Ciel, he doesnt care about winning so much as he cares about the actual game

•Of course, all in all, he still hates losing a battle be it physical skill set or witty ribbing, however he does enjoy losing every once in a blue moon, it keeps him guessing

•I’d say feistiness is another big turn on for him

•He loves sass but only in the correct scenarios, i.e. only if youre acting as his superior or his equal

•To add to that, if youre acting as his inferior he admires someone who respects him and does as he orders but at the same time isnt a kiss ass

•Thats not to say he doesnt like it when people are in awe of him either

•Sebastian loves praise and human acceptance, it reminds him of how powerful he is and fuels his already enormous ego

•Another huge one is passion

•I cant remember where but i believe at some point in the manga Sebastian mentions that the brand of passion unique to humans is something that is very intriguing to him

•Mystery is a huge turn on too, as he is well over 600 years old there is little he hasnt seen, so a tad of mystery is refreshing and a bit exciting to him

Turn Offs: (Sfw) •To counter my previous point in Turn On’s, though Sebastian enjoys adoration, he doesn’t necessarily respect those that find him incredibly amazing

•In a way he actually finds excessive adoration rather repulsive, i.e. the case of Grell, be it a reaper, demon or human

• Unlike Ciel, Sebastian cant stand stupidity whatsoever, regardless of whether or not the person has other redeemable qualities

•Sebastian dislikes complaining or people who pity themselves, he finds it pathetic and it reminds him of how detestable the majority of humans are

•Though he doesnt find this particular traits deplorable, Sebastian finds people who play the rules rather boring

•However Sebastian hates being bored so he finds that he absolutely cannot stand predictability and sticklers for rules

•On the other hand Sebastian isnt fond of people who break so many rules they render themselves entirely obsence or inappropriate in every single thing they do

•I will say though, Sebastian only really detests obscenity amongst humans when he is acting as a butler, as it wouldnt fit his aesthetic to condone this behavior •Demon Sebastian, on the other hand, deplores rule following, as previously stated

•His true self rather enjoys obscenity

Older!Ciel (18)

Turn Ons: (Nsfw) •Dominance is a huge turn on, regardless of whether or not he tops

•He loves being in control and bossing his partner around

•He likes bondage but only when its him tying up his partner and not the other way around

•His biggest turn on is emotional connection to his partner

•When they say they want only him  and that no one is better than he is

Turn offs: (Nsfw) • Anything that involved a third party

•This includes anywhere public, even a different room in his house or anytime during the day, he isnt a fan of scandal it just annoys him

•When his partner tries to force him into something or when they try to take control

•He might go along with it but it is a major turn off

•His partner choking, smacking, or tying him up

•Actually choking in general is a major turn off, as well as any type of hitting except the occasional spanking

•Being out of control turns him off immediately

Sebastian

Turn Ons: (Nsfw) • Inflicting pain.

•Physical, Psycological, he loves it

•Choking is a big turn on in particular, along with hair pulling

•Blood play tbh

•He loves his partners blood, whether it be drinking it or even just seeing it flow

•B o n d a g e

•He loves tying his partner up especially in strange and compromising positions

•He loves seeing them contorted into a painful pose just for him

•In particular he is a fan of the hands bound together and then bound to the ankles

Turn Off’s: (Nsfw) •Honestly not much

•Emotion, i.e anything resembling gushy lovey shit is almost always a turn off

•Even at his most compassionate and romantic, Sebastian is not one for syrupy romance

•Also humiliation •Immediately he is no longer into it

•Sebastian has a rather large ego and he hates anyone taking a stab at it in genral

•But he especially hates this in the bedroom since “seducing victims” is something all demons must excell at

[fishoutofwaterlikeabird]

When The Popular Kids Don’t Talk To You (Anymore)

Coming back from adventures far away after significant time has passed feels a lot like school and trying to fit in with the popular kids.

Popular kids can be kind of mean but so can the non-popular kids.

Sometimes we have to do some kind of journey to make ourselves better (or at least try to get better). We as humans often go on journeys to find ourselves or inner peace or just to find some adventure or see something new or discover something spiritual related. Sometimes that’s down the road to the supermarket or the local watering hole or some kind of park, other times that can take us into different cities, towns, villages, timezones or even countries and continents. 

But it can also take us back home to where we belonged all along and maybe never should have left.

We do things every day and sometimes they are popular and sometimes they surely aren’t. Life is popular we all live it, but how we live it matters more than what is popular.

My idea of doing a life that matters sure isn’t popular. I don’t care about money or status. I don’t care about being popular or famous. I don’t care about what the world wants or tells me i should do, act or be. I don’t care about new flash things or having heaps of cool things. I don’t care about new fashions or if what i wear or do fits in with the crowd. I also don’t care to fit inside a box to please someone or be who or what i am not. I can’t be anyone else, i wasn’t designed (or created) to be. I was designed/created to be me and all I can do is be me to the best of my ability as is the same for you in being yourself to the best of your ability. There is only one of each of us. We can’t be what we are not and we shouldn’t try (or care) to be either. And to be honest its hard (physically exhausting) to be me and i am barely able to do it, i cant imagine trying to be someone else or someone i am not or someone else wanting to be me.

When i think of a life that matters i think of very few things. Things like having people around me that i care about and that care about me and not just on the surface but down to the roots.

I think of having people in my life that make me feel worth it and special, people that make me feel like i can do anything to be the best me that i can be. People that also make me feel like continuing on and going forward and taking big steps in life. I think of having people around that build me up and encourage me and people that i can build up and encourage as well. I think of living in a place or a community that makes me feel like i can thrive and be myself doing things that make me feel like i matter and what i am doing matters.

I also think of these lyrics by Musician NF: “If you want love, you going to have to go through the pain, If you want love, you going to have to learn how to change, If you want trust, you going to have to give some away, If you want love, if you want love”

Being famous or popular isn’t all its cracked up to be anyway. Just ask them. Or if you cant do that, simply look at the many of famous humans that we watch and have made popular who have died from their own choices.

Im a bit of a sports person. One of the sports I like to watch (and play) is basketball.

The big name more talented guys (the more popular ones) often get paid large amounts. One thing that has been going around fairly recently in sports is mental health issues. One of the big named players DeMar DeRozan (plays on a team out of the state of Texas called the San Antonio Spurs) opened up about his struggles with mental health. He said people say to him, “What are you depressed about? You can buy anything you want.” His simple response was, “I wish everyone in the world was rich so they could realize that money isn’t everything.”

Truth is we all struggle with different things. Popular or not. You never know when you meet someone what is going on for them in their life or inside of themselves. We all have bad days and feel good and good days and feel bad or visa versa. Things we grow up in and around shape us. Things that happen to us shape us as well. But having good human people around you and doing things that make you happy and make you feel like you matter can change and reshape you.

One of the only things I fear is doing popular things and hurting those I care about (that and applying for a job..yikes) or forgetting the things that truly matter (like the people that I care about). I don’t care about much (or many pointless things) as you’ve read already but what i do care about i hold deeply (especially in regards to human people and those that have made an impact on my life, helped me succeed and grow and have cared for me especially when I was low and didn’t feel like myself). Things (possessions) break and become outdated, get stolen or lost, but people (even though the may break, grow, get lost, change or move away) are aways valuable (and never become outdated). I trust and care with very little limits or boundaries. And popular or not, hurt or not i would stand up against even the Hulk to defend someone I care about and fight for them no matter what.

I hated hanging out/around the popular kids. I never fit in but I also never felt like I fit in with the non popular kids either. I was picked on by popular and the not popular and rejected by both as well. When I was growing up and living in California I used to help at at a youth group and as well dabble in doing games (as a game director) 

and lifeguarding (saver of lives at the pool and river) at a summer camp.

My favorite kids to hang out with were the ones that felt just like I felt, the outsiders (the lost and confused ones). Groups (or clicks) of people always form in functions where there are large handfuls of amounts of human people around. People question why would you not want to come to such things where you can swim all day and play games in the sun for a week straight? Well, feeling like an outsider can make anyone feel uncomfortable and awkward at even the best of events. I know all to well what that’s like. Sure I’ve been blessed to travel around to different places around the world, but mostly I’ve done it alone and with questions of fitting in. Which is really never that fun. I also don’t know many days or places where I have felt like I belong. I often feel like an outcast or outsider (or maybe even not from this planet), even amongst people I think are my friends and where I feel like I thrive as an extrovert around large groups of people.

I once had a friend that would often say, “the struggle is real.” She was a pretty decent adult and had great people around her but life wasn’t easy. I don’t think anyone has it easy and i think more often than not most have it harder than the next. We each have things (popular or not) that we are going though. I tried to find something to fill that struggle and it only made the struggle harder/worse. Flying on Jet Planes, jumping off of platforms to splash in water, traveling the countryside and swimming everyday was great, but it doesn’t fix everything or anything for that matter. The problem with struggling with yourself in your own skin and the pain and hurts that come with that is no matter where you go you take them with you. You can run but you can never get away from yourself. Momentary happiness only lasts for a moment and no moment lasts forever.

Finding long lasting happiness is hard, I think it is the same as trying to find gold at the end of a rainbow…nearly impossible (especially depending on your definition of gold). Being popular is probably also hard. But I think being anything is hard. Life is better when we do it surrounded by people that make things better (especially when there is laughter and smiles involved). Theres a quote that says, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” and a variation of that same quote that says, “be nice to everyone you meet for you never know the battle they are facing inside.”

I don’t hate popular kids and i don’t hate non popular kids either (to be fair i don’t really know what the difference is). But neither of them could talk to me and I wouldn’t die over it. I don’t hate change or when things change and people move away and or on. I hate missing out i guess is more so how i feel recently. I hate that i couldn’t fix or find a fix to what was going on inside me (and still haven’t). I hate that those who helped me felt like they couldn’t do enough when they did more than they will ever know or understand. I hate that coming back feels like the first time i showed up.

Adventures can be great but not when they cost you things that (you had that) were greater.

Don’t be popular, be unpopular. Help out someone who is struggling (hug them).

Share your lunch with the nerdy kid (bring a smile to their face). 

Give a ride to the weird kid cause they missed the bus or were forgotten (show them they aren’t forgotten).

Life is too short to let things come between those that matter and those we find special even if things have changed. Not everything popular is worth worrying (or caring) about. Sometimes it is actually more popular to care about and do what’s unpopular anyway.

[yaminerua]

Emeto warning

I’ve felt sick from this for a while but I didn’t think I was actually going to physically be. I’ve not eaten much. I haven’t been able to for quite a while now because I’ve felt just too off to and every time I’ve tried I’ve not managed much through feeling like I was going to be sick. and I’ve had very very little sleep in a long while but it’s especially worse lately with barely getting to sleep at all. and my chest has been aching constantly for so so long from all of this. Like a hammering, racing thud that won’t stop or even let up enough to let me rest. it feels like my ribcage itself is breaking From the constant pounding.

and i keep crying just... so so much until my throat is raw and my eyes burn and my head is well past ready to implode and it all just combined this morning and I was sick all over the floor. Mostly just water and stomach juices since there wasn’t really any food down there but my body kept retching anyway

felt like I was trying to force my heart up and out through my throat.

I didn’t think anything could ever floor me like this...

I don’t want them to know it’s made me this ill. It would do no good whatsoever. I don’t want them to feel guilty or worry because I know it’s not their fault their heart was able to move on instantly while mine remains stuck on them even all these months on. There may never have been a good time to tell me they were with someone new But I appreciate that they waited a while instead of dropping it on me right after they broke us up but.. man.. I don’t think any amount of time would’ve made it easy to stomach

I’m struggling so much trying to keep things together because they still want to be friends but that hurts so much. I’ve been trying to just accept it and heal but it’s not working. Just knowing them, every little thing they do and say, seeing their face, it will keep making me love them helplessly as it always has, even with knowing my time together with them is over. So I’m in for a painful time of endless yearning.

and im not a bitter person. If they’re going to be happy with this person I really do want them to be happy. They’re so wonderful and they deserve the world and more and if I can’t give them what they want and need anymore that’s just the harsh truth of life... I accept it reluctantly but it does little to stop my heart still feeling what it feels.

They deserve the best. I wanted so hard to be someone worthy of their love. I’d do everything to be right for them. I’m eternally thankful even for the small, blessed handful of years that they loved me at all.

But wanting someone you love to be happy and being absolutely destroyed at seeing them happy with someone new are things that can exist at the same time. And it’s like someone had stuck a fork in my chest and started mashing and twisting everything up.

i know how bad it looks to try to say that friendship after love feels as though it is too hard. I know it can come across in a toxic way like it’s making an ‘all or nothing‘ type ultimatum like ’you Have to be with me or you don’t get to know me at all’ but that’s not what I mean at all. That is cruel, especially when done intentionally in that manipulative manner. I don’t want to do that to them.

but the concept of going back to friends after something this deep and special and finding it impossibly hard to do and struggling is also not untrue... trying to still be in proximity to them as friends while I’m stuck agonisingly in love with them and keep helplessly falling over and over and its not even anything they’re doing in particular, it’s just them and I can’t help but love everything they are. I’m certain I’ll never fully get over them and I know everyone says that but this is different from anything I’ve had before. This really felt like it had a future and now it’s gone and I’ll never get them back and so many months later my heart is still sick and it is not doing me any good. But I don’t want to say some shit like ‘you’re not doing me any good’ or anything like that because that’s an awful thing to say.

i‘d said that I would need time to Try to heal time has passed and it’s not getting better and idk how long a wait is reasonable... especially when I know the moment I see or speak to them again any tiny scrap of progress I make will be blown away by that painful oncoming train of inescapable fondness And longing.

I care about them so much and I don’t want them to see me continue to suffer over a heart that can’t change and over something they themselves couldn’t help, but I also don’t want them to suffer or resent me if it really turns out I’m not strong enough of heart to be able to swallow the ache and bear it to stick around. I don’t want to be a burdensome weight on them. I don’t want them to be troubled looking at me and seeing someone who by still being around them just can’t even begin to move on. They Are just so loveable, how can I ever not feel helplessly in love with them.

but it really has been months and this isn’t getting better. The longer it goes the worse it gets and it’s not like I haven’t been trying to find ways to hurry up and heal so I can stop these feelings being a bother. This heart is just so stubborn... even before we were together I tried in vain for more than a year to shake off the ‘crush���. I couldn’t even manage that.

im not going to say I wish we never happened because god being with them was the happiest time of my life and I was so ready to work for a future by their side. But if I’d never been with them I’d never have known what I’d be missing and when they got someone to love I’d never be able to know the private things that would go on. I wouldn’t have vivid and sensory memories of those experiences to be haunted by. I’d never know what kissing them felt like or to be quite so wrecked knowing all the tender intimacies that will happen with someone else now, who will be much better at it than I ever was. But knowing them as personally as I was once permitted to, and knowing someone else will now get to do that, and maybe even more than I was able to, and to be better at it.. it settles deep in my bones, thick and tarry in my veins And I almost wish I could forget.

I cant compare to this person. he has me beat on every level. I’m sure they’ll both be happy and together a long time. They seem good for each other, I can’t deny that... And a good part of me wants them to be happy even if it has to be with someone who isn’t me anymore. But the heartbroken part of me that was never going to be ready to lose them wishes desperately that one day they’d come back and there’s just no point in hoping for something that’s surely impossible. What’s done is done.

but all of that and more cycles round and round in my head and my chest and churns until my body can’t take it and tries to eject it from my system as if it was as simple as puking out my feelings and being done with it.

no break up or hurt in my life has even come close to even beginning to scratch the surface of the magnitude of this deep ache in my soul. And there has been some truly awful fuckshit in my life.

i don’t want to let them down. I didn’t want to let them down in the first place, though whether there was more to our ending behind the scenes than just that I’ll never know. Maybe I’d been losing them long before I could have even tried anything about it.

but I don’t know how to move forward without it going badly one way or another

one side if I‘m a pathetic coward and run from the hurt that comes with being around them and seeing them, and the feelings that can’t die because who I am is just doomed to love everything they are, then I end up losing even the ability to know or have them in my life at all. And I would mourn that forever too. We become strangers and they probably forever feel hurt at the fact I couldnt stay close to them because of this weak, sensitive heart. I’ll be shelved in the past as a disappointment.

on the other I stay close to keep them in my life and my heart continues to break and yearn for the return of something that’s gone. The friend who never truly gets over them and always unconsciously hopes for a return. And constant exposure to their new love will fester under my skin and keep the aching wound fresh and weeping. And whatever friendship I try to salvage may come off awkward and unnatural. Especially if we were to meet face to face at cons or amongst the shared circle of friends again Where I can’t hide behind a convenient mask of carefully worded text to hide the feelings. I worry my heavy heart still so full of love that I’ll be unable to fully mask and hide will make them uncomfortable. Because dammit Lauren why can’t you just get over it already

yeah...

i sound ridiculous and Its been the same stuff for this whole year. But god.. I love them so much and no matter what happens I know I’ll always be in love with them in some constant way all my life. They really were one of a kind. The gentlest sweetest soul with a patience that melted my heart and made me feel safer and more comfortable than anyone else ever could.

I really thought we could make it work. And though life circumstances played a big part in keeping us apart and making their feelings drift, maybe I was also always going to never quite be enough in comparison to Someone else. I wanted to be made for them, to be someone who deserved to stay in their heart as I once was, but maybe someone else was always going to be the better fit.

i can only wish them the best

[a-baleful-howl]

Let's talk about Sansa and Littlefinger

Im rewatching season 1-6 slowly lately, and Ive just finished S4.

Ok, I wanna talk about Sansa and Littlefinger. A lot of people confuse this story line or flat out twist it to fit their “I hate Sansa” narrative. The scenes are there, so lets go through them.

I think LF has always given Sansa the creeps. The first thing he ever says to her is a creepy, gory story about The Hound and The Mountain. She looks frightened, and LF looks so goddamn pleased to have freaked her out. He wanted her to feel scared. Paraphrasing - “Don’t tell anyone I just told you that or you’ll be a dead little girl.”

Is this him starting to groom her to keep secrets? To listen to him? To desensitize her to horrible acts?

While shes stuck as a hostage in KL, LF offers her a way out. Going with him on his boat. Their conversation is off screen so we don’t know what was said or how Sansa reacted. She has to politefully let him down later when she decides to marry Loras instead. Petyr knows about the marriage plot, and he *punishes her* for choosing someone else over him.

Think about it - Sansa has two options: go on a ship out of KL with Petyr, who she barely knows and gives her the creeps, or marry Loras, who is the handsome knight shes always dreamed of but means she cant go back home right away. She chooses marriage over Petyr. And it angers him, because its not what he wants, and he punishes her by ruining her plan.

He sets it up to make sure she *regrets* not going with him. When she hears shes to marry Tyrion, she cries and watches Petyr leave, regretting turning him down and watching her chance for escape float away.

When she flees The Purple Wedding, she doesn’t know where shes going. She just knows that this once-a-knight wants to help her because she saved his life. When someone you think “owes you” offers you safety and a chance to escape - you take it. Especially after you have seen chance after chance slip through your fingers because you made the wrong choices. She wasn’t about to let another chance slip through her fingers. So she went with him - not even knowing what was on the other side.

When she finally sees who was behind her escape, shes confused - not elated. And the very first thing LF does when shes on his boat is KILL Dontos right in front of her. And shes horrified. Shes seen death dozens of times, and she still screams.

Not only did this once-a-knight trick her and betray her *for money*, not loyalty, shes see what kind of person LF is. Petyrs very first act is one to cement in Sansa’s mind that he would lie to and kill anyone he pleases if it benefitted him. This is NOT a man she would “admire”. This is an act of intimidation and control.

So I want to make a few points here before continuing. 1 - Sansa has never fully trusted LF. 2 - Sansa didn’t even know she was going with LF when she escaped with Dontos. 3 - LF *does not* have her best interest at heart and doesn’t even try to hide his ruthlessness anymore.

Petyr full on *framed* Sansa for Joffreys murder. This was premeditated and fully zoned in on Sansa after she turned down his first offer at escaping. He has her now only by intimidation, manipulation and blackmail. She cant go anywhere else or with anyone else because LF has all the cards. If she were to go back to KL, she would die. Everyone in Westeros is looking for her. Her husband is on trial about to die. And no one would believe she was innocent.

Sansa is no less a hostage than when Arya is passed between hands, all hoping to get a reward for bringing her home or to relatives. Shes not with him by choice, unless her choice is “whelp, if I go anywhere else I’ll surely die. Might as well sit here and wait this out.”

Her discussions with Petyr are very guarded. She asks questions, tries to find answers. And when she asks him what he wants, theres always this little unspoken question behind her tone. All her life shes heard about raping and danger, been told shes so beautiful every man would love to have her, Joffrey threatened to rape her, she was nearly raped by peasants in KL… She is wary of LF true intentions. Surely, this older man who owns a brothel, wants *her*. He doesn’t even deny this.

She has lots of time to think about her situation, and think about Petyrs answers to her questions. Shes becoming more observant just to survive.

I think Sansa genuinely thought she was going to be safe and happy in The Vale. She had her mothers sister, she was in an impenetrable tower, she didn’t have to lie and hide anymore…she was really happy and felt safe for the first time in a long time. It looked like Petyr *really had* done her a huge favor. He saved her from KL. She must have been a fool to doubt him.

Until she realized “yo this bitch cray”. And then Petyr pretty much confessing his love/lust for Sansa.

Important lines here, me thinks. “What do we do to those who hurt the ones we love?” This would sound so lovely to hear after your entire family is murdered and you’ve been held captive and tortured. It sounds like he’s on her side. He will protect her. His loyalty is just because he loved her mother. Aw, thats so sweet. And refreshing to hear after years of being in KL having to say her father was a traitor.

When in reality, Petyrs responsible for her fathers death, for her misery, framing her for murder and conspiring against her family. He definitely has not protected the one he loves, or even protected Catelyn. Ever see a tear shed for Catelyns death? Nope. Not a one. This line is utter horse shit said only to make Sansa trust him more. Even if he *believes* he means it - its so so so not true and he’s deluding himself.

“You’re more beautiful than she ever was.” Is basically LFs way of saying “I love you”. Because he values pretty things, the finest things. He confesses his love/lust for her here. No doubt. Whats odd is that Sansa kind of *returns* his kiss for a moment before she pulls away. Whether this was a mistake by Sophie or actually meant to happen, I don’t know. He says he wants to protect her because he loved her mother, basically says he loves/wants her and then takes a kiss. Sansa thinks he pretty much just laid all of his cards on the table. She finally knows what he wants and why.

The “what do we do to those who hurt the ones we love line” IS KEY to what happens next. When Petyr kills Lysa, Sansa thinks its because Lysa was threatening Sansa’s life. She thinks Petyr is protecting her because he loves her. To a girl, this is also a form of power. “he’ll never hurt me, because he loves me.” or “he only did it because he loves me so much.” When in reality, Petyr was probably planning on killing Lysa the entire time.

Actually, he only agreed to marry Lysa ASAP when she started spouting off about how she killed Jon Arryn for him. She started talking and Petyr was like “oh this bitch is going to blab everything to everyone if I dont shut her up soon” so he marries her ASAP to confirm his claim on The Vale and to get rid of her before she opens her crazy mouth again. Her threatening Sansa was only icing on the cake to make Sansa more indebted to him.

People always yell about why she lied for LF at the trial. Why didn’t she just tell the whole story and stay with these people who loved her father in The Vale?

So why does Sansa lie to save LF? Because she thinks she owes him one. He just saved her life, so she will save his. And maybe she is started to return his feelings - maybe she thinks she can use his lust for her against him, too. Theres nothing for her in The Vale anymore - no more family except gross little Robin, no more friends, no real reason to stay. Sansa wants to continue down the path LF has started. She wants to go home. She wants revenge against those who hurt her family - and she likes what LF is cooking.

She thinks shes on to him. This scene plainly lays it out. She doesn’t trust strangers - and why should she after all shes been through? - and she thinks she knows what Petyr really wants. He wants her, he loves her. So he would NEVER hurt her, and only protect her. Shes making a bet against his feelings for her. Love is the death of duty, and men die protecting the ones they love. Staying with a rich and powerful Lord who is hopelessly in love with you is actually not a bad idea. Shes been fully manipulated at this point.

And Petyrs last words “Do you?” plant a HUGE seed of doubt. She was sure he wanted her - but oh shit, what if shes wrong? Shes already saved him, theres no turning back now.

IMHO, this isnt where Sansa starts playing the game, like many think. Sansa started playing the game when KotV rode in on BotB.

Petyrs creepy boner is now only raging after she lied to save him and went with him out of The Vale. He’s more brave about taking kisses and speaking openly. He has her under his thumb completely. But she still never fully trusts him. She notices when he hides letters. She questions him when it looks like he’s ready to leave at a moments notice. She freaks out when it finally dawns on her that LF is marrying her to Ramsay. But… LF loves her, right? He would never intentionally put her in danger. He must have a plan. So she actually trusts him and married Ramsay.

When Petyr mentions that he was a penniless boy from nowhere amongst kings and lords - she smiles. Because Petyr started from nothing and has built himself up to a rich man in KL. This is another line told to Sansa to reinforce this idea that Petyr knows what hes doing. Hes smarter than her, more powerful and more cunning. And if he did it for himself, he can help her do it, too. With his help he can take her from a traitors daughter with no name or family to a powerful lady just like him.

Petyr promises her its only temporary, and he will return soon and Stannis will save her and soon she will be Wardeness of the North and have her home back to herself. Notice how she doesn’t smile at the idea of being Wardeness - she actually seems fearful of it. She doesn’t want to be Wardeness - its almost like shes about to say “I cant”. People think Sansa wants power and to be Queen. This reaction to Petyr telling her to be Wardeness says the exact opposite - it wasn’t on her mind and she doesn’t want it. Petyr plants that seed - Petyr wants it for her. Not the other way around.

Then, LF leaves her to Ramsay and fucks off. She escapes because its way WAY worse than she could have imagined. Stannis failed - how stupid was she for listening to LF - and Petyr is nowhere to be found.

When LF shows up in Moles Town to offer her KotV she is fully and completely enraged with him. She is angry that she trusted him. She sees him now for what he is - a liar and only out for himself. He hurt he. He must not truly love her. She was wrong to trust him.

And Ive spoken a lot about WHY Sansa goes to him for aid for BotB and, frankly, I dont have enough space or time to explain why here. Lets just say, Petyr is that toxic boyfriend you run back to when times get tough because you know them. It wasnt because she didnt trust Jon and she did trust LF - it was because she didnt trust FATE and she took her safety and Jons safety into her own hands since no one listened to her.

So, remember when Sansa said “I know what you want” to LF after the trial and LF made her doubt it? Everything he did since made her doubt it. Now, directly mirror it with this scene.

“You know what I want”

“I was wrong.”

“No. You weren’t.”

Maybe we’ll see Sansa use Petyr’s affection toward her even more so in Season 7. I sure hope so.

[glopratchet]

Heel bash

Perfect beeing : an imprefect novel. The next day, you are on your way to the university with a small bag full of books and papers. You feel like you have been running all over town, but then again that is what this job does for you. The only thing keeping you from running amok in the streets is your fear of being caught by the police or some other authority figure who might not be as understanding as you would like about such actions. Angylph speaks and says "so what is this all about" You explain to him your situation and he seems very interested in it. He asks if you know anyone who might help you out. You say no, but Angylph points at one of the students sitting near you and says "that girl there is a student here too right? She could use some extra money." "since i prefer art bots instead of aborted babies, im going to assume you're referring to terease, and cant be legion. "when i read specutalive fiction" Just then, terease and the professor enter the room. Terease instantly notices you and walks towards the bottom of the steps leading up to where the professor is. By now angylph has moved into a corner away from everyone else obviously "engrossed" by a small experimental piece made by one of his fellow students. "alright here we go" you hear the professor mutter under his breath as he waits for everyone to quiet down. "let me sit back an attempt to figure all this out" he starts wit a chuckle, "well first of all it has to be said that this school is very proud of all of you. you have shown great promise in your respective fields especiallizing top graduates like terease here who graduated summaCum laude and to be honest would have finished much earlier had she not partaken in many of the University's arts programs." Everyone starts clapping at this point and the professor raises his hand for quiet. A sea of letters is called the spooge of Satan "and so it is with great pride in your accomplishments that the following students are also graduated." The professors lets out a long list of graduates names and tereases colapses from exhaustion and joy seconds before her name is called. You are, of course, one of the students called to receive a diploma. After nearly a full hour everyone gets their scholorships ready they begin to talk amongst themselves until the professor gets everyone's attention again. The who who clicks last is a stooge "on a completely different matter" he says "i know many of you come from far places, and some of you even farther than others so we have prepared a little party for you today" everyone starts applauding again until the prof holds up his hand for silence. Taking resposibility for your mistakes as we attempt to build a maze The story is told by multiverse explorer astral wylde as he naps during the last fateful trip through the red wave. The storys background is of little consequence to anyone outside astral, but describes the idea that life on most planets in a cataclysm called "the red wave" where upon every organism capable of mutating suddenly, violently and indefinitely until no earth-like quality exists. Its the eyes, ive seen them in my dreams. Now I must draw them. There are records stored in the city of astokhan on everything astral could tell us about the city during the red wave. There are floods of blood, violent uprisings and gory riots. Mothers kill babies, governments fall and deep dark secrets are revealed as everybodies darkest sides are exposed when god walked among them. The human population decreases at an alarming rate. But fortunately it is all worth it, for you see the survivors of the plague are transform into multidimensional beings that seemingly live forever. And during one of his less fuitful periods astral saw fit to return from whatever circle of hell he exists and tell us this story in a ottoman chamber aboard our fancy airship we were dragging him through space with... OOOhhh yes the main chamber should be pretty big Thats all for now folks, see you next time on... He decides to envision chains flowing from his control bracelets into the airship and ripping out a section of the exterior to form a bubble. This bubble is gently illuminated by a combination of weak sunlight and auroras. Meanwhile the skyship falls uncontrollably towards earth spewing fire and wreckage in its wake as it does "Now this you might find interesting" he grins. From the life of a beautiful painter he once knew Part 4 "An aurora occurs when our planet's magnetic field shifts sending energetic particles into the atmosphere producing light in the upper layers, often of a multi-colored hue." The university professor tells us with her droning voice, while we sit around our glowing orbs. "Multi-colored." I write on my note papers. We have these orbs that make everything look so pretty. Astral wydle because of his supernal nature is gifted with perfect memory recall and, although not wishing to brag, an above-average use of declarative sentences. But today he donates his notes to my forgetful brain and lets me jot down whatever I wish to on his perfectly organized pages. Last class we talked about cities that never slept because their streets always had a pulse even when it was long after midnight. And he remembers watching a video from mica metrological in his flamboyant style. A ghost-like aurora over midwest states caused an entire settlement's populace to never sleep again, causing anarchy and the eventual demise of their race. "It is beautiful" he wistfully whispers I supress a laugh by exhaling in his face. Talking about a thirty percent chance of rain that evening I'm still not sure if I find his obsession odd or admirable. Something starts beeping so I peep over his shoulder at the flashing orb and read "air pressure disturbance 1000 meters above current positoin expected te be 300 kph". Looking to the side I can make out a hovering 2 meter disc. He catch me looking and aims his orbs at it. The flashing light sequence continues and skyranch anthyging textual information morphs into readable english. He remembers being at the gory hole as innocent lives were taken. Somethign important must be there or about to happen, he moves his chair slightly turning his back on me as if I'm not even here. Our skyship/home an oversized oval ring with a four-story tall observatory protruding from it has been hovering over the same location for several hours now. These magnetic neareness warnings go off fairly often but I'm not complaining this means he gets distracted pretty easily. A progressive mid tier art gallery in a trendy section of beetriotle specializing in transluscultural fluidic modernism had been open and operating for just a few hours before it was randomly annihilated yesterday erasing the lives of 20 humans and 23 androgynous beings. Almost seemed like they were being targeted, but targets were not among the debris nor any recognizable body parts. Everything appearanted to have been vaporized. Enemy Agents? Turmoil of Zwordur Methodist Church faction? Maybe even unbelievers mercenaries? Known as the bridge of noise and surrounded by a metropolis, two statues were under construction yesterday now nothing but empty round pedestals of identical height. Atmospheric disturbance unusual for the time of day. I can see in his eyes that he is troubled by this event so I sit back tilt my chair and pretend to know nothing. But of all the things he could find interest in why this? There he first learns all of beetriot is laughing at triton arcage again for losing most of its citizens to a single weapon of mass destruction. It seems water is flammable terrifying. not even slunk defends his underfunded military insultingly claiming everything was just according to keikaku---military plan---and volunteerially offered no explanation at all. As he observes the details of a painting at show known as the triumph of the colored venus a bustling section of the city blows up. He counts exactly 2 seconds before the sound arrives. There were two reflections off the city walls before his ears detected the origin of the attack. Big buildings 50 yards to his right there is lots of thick grey stuff hanging in the air temperature has risen rapidly and there are flames on sides of nearby buildings. Knowing all this without even thinking he inaudibly shouts for everyone to take immediate cover and runs behind large marble barrier. That features a group of lesbian women of darker color trampling a pale woman or maybe a man with a shaved head. "Are you okay?", he asks her with concern on his face without looking at her. It hadn't occured to him that anyone else might have been close by until now. His ghostly helmeted head pivots to his right upon hearing her response. -----"Yes, but are you? You look half dead!" -----"Am fine, some soldier I am, getting old and slow" On the faces of a group of contempory news worthy white men carrying lots of camera equipment he recognizes the man he saved from execution yesterday. He was moving after all, I guess he was faking it. He closes his eyes for a few seconds until they are gone altogether and slowly gets up. -----"That was a pretty close call, I'm surprised you reacted so quickly." -----"Heh, I must be losing my touch too then, good thing..." By emerging twenty something artist cherp cherp quintuplets rush past him into the cloud of dust inspecting an 4 foot in diamater polished steel sculpture with attachment bolts flying towards them. Known for her delicate rococo style sculptures the smog turning golden by the sun reveals one of her famous twisted balusters. Otherwise known for being forever on the hunt for new material she was probably seconds away from being reduced to rubble just the same. Even regarding as an eyesore by many he lends a helping hand and takes a small detour. Always looking at your feet it has probably saved her life several times already so why would she accept his help if he tried again? He overhears saul saint nicodemous giving cherp cherp a critique of the piece which he knows would otherwise make her sad so waits. -----"I like it, but maybe move the middle one a little to the right?" -----"Ok"*snap*. -----"No, the other one.*sigh* That wasnt good either---oooo wait----let me help. With a group of other artist friends including a bullfighter, an owner of an erotica shop, a blonde painted girl and a famous male fictional character charging from all directions he waves them back for fear of getting trampled only after they refuse to listen. Perfect execution of an ideas persons suicide in the Gucci manner the sculpture has been perfect mounted on a pole with its own leg shattering it. "Excuse me an eye master I'm looking for Blim Blam would he be around" Katharsis gale the oldest of the group in mid fourties wearing various hats asks him with an engaging smile. "Errrrr... maybe moved in recently but I don't think he is in just now" -----"That's a shame I like his work so much....but I'll leave my card just in case. tell him, not to hesitate if he needs any thing." He says uplifting her spirits she beams brightly at him and waves as she walks away giving nick lazy eyes the entire time. Bransky bronze bright supermacy in her early thirties stand next to him and waits her turn. he remembers her paintings, not having been impressed by the subject matter of cute dumb superpowers though others found them amusing enough to frame and sell. He gives her a "go ahead" nod. -----"Looking for any available artist at this time?" -----"No!" -----"OK then...Word is you have been doing alot of writing lately?" Bransky and chirp standing sliently noding there heads in approval As saul saint goes on and on with bullshit language about destruction of the More nonsense on colonialism he dedicates more time destroying her ideas than praising them Then something incredible happens for once Chirp is second guessing SAINT's choices the verbal abuse he heaps of Blim-Blim. And everyone else. He disapproves of Blim-Blim's paintings, saying that while Blim-Blim might have a good eye (naturally, being an eye master) and an excellent grasping of color and shape, he hasn't got "anything to say" as an artist. An aspect of queer theory that has a giant middle finger up at the rules of heteronormative society. He says they can be sold if framed properly and placed in the right cafe, bar or hipster clothing store to attract the right demographic as easily as magnets. And other fashionable topics of art conflict and provocation that's prevalent in avant-garde places. Hopefully it garners some attention in his small once a decade show of retarded artist rejects sells nothing and passes into obscurity or sold to an idiot for over 5 times the price years later. Your very own degenerate art grant. During this time period you have been wanting to branch out with other ventures of your own as you start to resent SAINTS inclusion of All your publications in his book if he cant even help you get Blim-Blims art, website, connections and assistantship and your writings more noticed. At the end of the sanction you all gather for everyone to find out if they have been accepted or not, Anyone with a supermacy is clearly relaxed as they anticipate the results. You can sense the agitation of some of them who arent powerful enough to easily probe their minds. "Well, I've got the results, and I have some good news and some bad news," saint says, pausing for dramatic effect. Leaving the others shocked ,crestfallen oO( what....did my photo's not make it or what...damnit I knew the colors were too bright and obnoxious.. .) or gleeful "First, the bad news: You didniet get in. Now for the good news. You can all come in for free to see all the art at the exhibition this weekendand, ahem, leave your demos outside if you want!" While kat unable to control herself goes on a giggle fit super bradly focuses his eye beams on saul saint who feels the burn of a thousand suns intensified by 400 percent muttering angrily under his breath you all get up and leave one angry little man ranting as you all giggle like school girls at his bizarre sense of humor. some peoples kids "well that answers that, We're all going peashooting after this amazing art event that will no doubt solidify our social justice creative stronghold in this city" Saul and brankys backs away with out a retort in disgust and you spend your weekend having a great time and going through three bottles of peashooters were It was noted that hack had 9 kills with shrooms, kill coin flips to see who she shot, unhygenic had one, Yoona had two unfortunately Seline not at all Speaking of seline she asks if you will help her again next weekend The group heads for the wine bar wondering about the homeless nature of astral beings And wondering if he comes from the land of lixie dixie, a southern state mostly covered in stagnant water and thick forests. The dealer of gallery motions to cherp to come her way because she wants something You thank Yk TRACE : 0 There is no way around it. I need your help." "Oh? Well what can I do?" you respond. "I'm being sold," she scowls. Trace: 0 You initially think this is one of her usual dirty jokes, but her facial expression shows that she is quite serious. "Sold?" you clarify A collector is interested in buying her work, but he's requested that she be sold together with all of her equipment. The buy in for her includes her tools, sheet music, and instruments. Everything she knows is contained within that room, it would be impossible for her to go elsewhere without losing who she is. Although you're confident that she could easily create another identity elsewhere. Despite her mistrust of the new rulers of this barren realm, selling her seems like the easiest solution to this conflict.Tip: If you're logged in, your games are auto saved for you. You can find them by clicking "My Stuff"

[ventregardless]

some things I have learned

though I was no angel, I can not say I would change anything that happened. awkwardly enough, I’m glad I did all those bad things in the past because it feels very, very worth it to me. I know that’s wrong, but current me doesn’t care and I cant say for sure whether or not future me will, either.

every time I was asked about... potentially being a stand in, an option, a placeholder; it was true. I knew it then, but I lied. I don’t regret that, either. test dummy, guinea pig, placebo, I don’t care. used like tissue and I am so deeply okay with knowing that.

though I do not regret any of the bad things... I can say with confidence that I have no desire to repeat them in the future. I did all my experimentation then, I have no desire to put on another lab coat. I do not wish to poke and prod at the patience of someone new. what I want, now, is to finally sink so deeply into the womanhood I felt so blocked from with a new person. I want it, so I will make it a mission to achieve it when the time is right.

I... want to cut my hair off. I find it liberating, in some ways, how free women feel once they slice and dice their shit. I feel like a slave to my hair lately and for the love of god I want to be free from that.

lately is loose. I have always, forever, since the dawn of time, eternally, felt like a slave to my hair. I want it short and out of the way, I have so many desires to shift and turn like a changeling in a show about outer space or some other far off fantasy world where nothing except everything makes sense.

I desire, it would seem, ease. perhaps that’s where all of this thrashing is coming from. is that why my insides constantly feel like crimson tides? how far does this uncertainty extend? how deep am I willing to dive?

I want freedom. I want freedom, I want liberation.

I am so glad the plug was pulled... I feel absolved of guilt, but also weighed down with ‘it should have been me’

but

I have been disengaged from this for over a year now. my instinct was to hold on to what I knew, but the relief I felt so instantly after... that is telling. I can count on my hand the decency once brought, and that is not enough.

I am more free this way. but, alas, I was never a burden, I did my best even when I did my worst. I was not perfect, but surely I was better, and thank god I learned all of this now before it was too late.

I want to put my wants above all else. I want friends that are mine; not in the same way as my possessions but without the uncertainty of appraised value. I can not punish others for having a past or kinship with someone else; but perhaps build my confidence in knowing that there is space for me and I definitely fit.

one day I will stop being mean for the sake of it and choose to thrive instead.

I can take control over the spaces I am in and go from there. I have the right to have wants. this is what I can do, and so I will, and I shouldn’t be lectured or limited from pursing my wants.

suddenly, I am ready for everything I was once hesitant about. I say this lightly, but when it comes i’ll feel better.

problematic is light, now. I have decided, whether fair or not, that my own definition of what is good for me vs. what is bad may come off as an issue for others, but I can not bring myself to care. at the end of the day... this is my life, and I was too prepared for compromise to not go after what I want entirely, now. a fool’s errand is not one I wish to run.

to sink so fully into whatever that means, art heaux, fully balance, coolest of cats. it is my job to find it; to find her amongst the aesthetics, the pinterest boards, the long tumblr posts, the agonizing sea of social media guidance, the mud and muck in my mind that makes it heard to think and piece things together, all of it. I will find her.

quarantine has given me both... so much and so little time to consider. I think so much more and yet so much less than before. what are the things I want my personality to comprise of? who is it that I so deeply desire to be? what is going to be my game plan to make sure she gets here?

remember how food makes you feel.

cut your hair, but, leave room for insurance policies.

need you go through your closet again?

I see you’ve forgotten the luxury of makeup. I implore you to find it again, and practice what she looks like.

if your media consumption must be your personality, then so be it. make it you in your entirety, and own it.

can you be soft? cool? chill? artsy? talented? wise? classic?

can you?

who is she? how can you get her here? how?

but more importantly

once she gets here, will you do everything you can to keep her here? can you dedicate your life, your energy, your mind, your being, to being?

[sercretmagicsteve-blog]

Some one not there "spoke” to me today

Because the entire point of this blog is anonymity, I wouldn't use my real name and I’m not writing in in any other fashion other how I talk which is laid back. I’m 24 and a guy you know as Steve with a deep interest in anything paranormal, “Magic” (tell you bout the “” later) and religious. Moving on.

I also need to say now, that everything I say, you have to take lightly or maybe a bit more heavily. It will seem weird and conflicting at times possibly but I’ll always communicate what about it I think has bits of truth too it.

I’m not a dolt, and I don’t give things too much credit (which in my opinion many occult things I have read seem far over the top and not doing it properly) I have read a couple of books and thousands of passages but my point to me, steve, is that its instinct. Everything I have learned is this opinion that forms itself inside of me, shaving away (some books a shiiit load of shaving away) that things that didn't seem right to this instinct I've learned to follow. I think others too have magic catalysts in them that could be cultivated to something more but because of human reason, social stigma beliefs, (I think the list goes on and is both bigger and in smaller pieces then we can identify) as to why it doesn't grow. Some of the stuff you’ll hear me say sounds kinda old old school for humans (think 7k BC) but it just fits the bill somehow. (also last quick note, some people might wonder at this point. Is this dude chill with sacrificing a baby? A goat or some shit?  Haha. FUCK NO. None of that shit ever.)

My religion magic system idk what the fuck you want to call it is more or less light seeking itself in a magnificent breathe that is existence. I do not see a bearded man in the sky when people say god. I feel this wave that flows through the universe. Things speak in weird ways to me sometimes, and through standing in so long I feel that god is every living thing trying to get to this, special point (that I do think happens for the universe eventually. No clue to say where we’ll be cause shits outta my hands and whole worlds bit in the shitter a bit still) that I can instinct but doesn't translate well. 

To the best of my abilities on this, “special point” its basically consciousness of life (pretty much i think i described the force) melds in a melting pot(Church of the Force melting pot you heard it here guys and its like a point of ecstasy that would take trillions humans but is still not close to exactly what it is cause I can only kinda instinct this thing that is immeasurable. I can see this giant book but cant read it, feel it to be there and feel I know parts of them. Like another is that every point of every space in every part of the universe are all touched together. Just not in our normal 3-dimensional space. Doesn't really affect us (not yet at least) but still an interesting oddity

Thats pretty religiously and stuff, but I also do believe in some forms of magic, and I do believe that our world has overlapping, different ones. I do believe some dead are amongst us but unseeable to the untrained eye. (for those of you curious, I don’t try to contact the dead. I have at time’s had strange things happen I’ll tell you about another time) I think they affect our world in ways too.

Kinda had a point I was getting to tho. I have these beliefs and have read many systems and books of magic and of a large number of peoples and societies beliefs, but I have never tried much besides 2 rituals that have no measurable result. I do know of things that could yield (in theory) results if I were to do them appropriately (and fyi its a lot. A looooot of reading and meditation stuff) Yet, never tried many. Either didn’t care or instinctually was doing other stuff. 

Today tho I spoke to something. I’ve spoken to it before but its difficult to try and talk when all you can do is communicate with, “yes, no, maybe, I don’t know” and Thark (not his name, couldnt tell me one. Seems like a Thark tho.) has spoken to me before, but even that first time I questioned the results heavily. Today tho, Thark was there and he was the cell reception today I guess is strong as fuck because the answers were far more clear then this sort of thing usually would run(for a newbie like me at least) while we talked we trailed along to me asking him when the next stone is(its a preminsion thing. I complicated to explain that but will another time) and he said 3 months. And he told me that its “the stone” which is something I’ve had since a child. tried to guess what it was. My death? Finding the love of my life? Being in the right spot to stop a child from being snatched? No clue but this i know is something and he said 3 months. 

Ive been prepping body and mind for years now, and I have acquired some things I would consider to be tools of magic. Most of them I have done very little with but the one I always loved most was my black obsidian scrying mirror. I was very lucky to found it in the store I had for it had the metal I wanted and more impressively the correct convex curvature angles. Never would have bought it otherwise. Only tried to use it twice and both times were a long time ago and after my reading being several times now of what I had then.

The part that gives me the jeebs tho. Is how I never thought over the years to do it again. It was in the back of my mind a lot but never went back yet. Never felt the time was right actually. Still kept reading and meditating (which I do to  help with  that but I also just do it for body health ) and today, Thark helped me know I was to use it. 

I can’t tell you much about the process or how I do it, but I can tell you this. I don’t even know yet what or where I’m looking for but I think Thark will probably help that too. It’s strange. 

from here I am going to post any finding’s I get moving forward (because in my occult area belief of life I think its time for a little more trying in some areas so this will be new for me I’ve been reading for years now though) and also share more of my opinion of this “Light” that goes through us all and is and anything else I talked about.

Ask away if you want fam